#am i gonna lose sleep over it? no
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*feel free to respond even if you're not Canadian, I'm just trying to head off all the cries of "you forgot XYZ chip brand!" from the USians (or anyone else, but let's be real, it'll prolly mostly be USians). if someone stateside wants to make their own version of this poll, pls do!
#this has been an original post#my pollies#potato chip poll#might i have forgotten/left off your favourite regional canadian potato chip brand? yes absolutely#am i gonna lose sleep over it? no#i already made the executive decision not to include hardbite chips bc idk how widespread they are outside bc
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I feel too sick to sleep right now, everything's' too cold or too hot and I can't even breathe without thinking I'm gonna throw up
#it's because i've been drinking diluted juice#i swear the shit they put in that makes me delirious with fever#ughhhh so sick wish a nice big strong mechanoid could help me rn :( real shame#gonna drink water till the middle of the night. there goes my plans for a better nights' sleep :<#i do genuinely feel awful and i have been feeling so for a while and it's all my own doing. not eating healthy. stressing out and barely-#-sleeping. i have stretch marks from losing weight and circles under my eyes. everything's fuzzy. i keep forgetting basic things.#i'm worried about my future. i'm too disabled to function with a job but not disabled 'enough' just because i can speak 'clearly'#i've got no irl friends or family to fall back on. i can only travel so far and i get meltdowns far easier now#months ago i was treated like a pet. now i'm an adult before i ever got to be a child.#i want to be held. be loved without even having to say a word to each other. not even by an f//o but by someone who'll be willing to love m#but all i am now is sick and hungry and hot and cold and tired and awake.#i can't imagine how much worse it is for other people though. i've seen awful images and they're not even a taste of how terrible it is#i worry i won't be able to afford food in the future. or have a stable flat or apartment. that social services will let me down again#this year was meant to be a break but i'm constantly worrying about the time i become 18. my autism and lack of any social life-#will impact me and i'll be fucked over easier than ever. and that happens often#college brought me panic attacks where i'd physically harm myself till i got migraines in front of people and they didn't bat an eye#i could be kicking and screaming and begging for help but they'll just ignore me or infantilise me
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i’m so tired of these people ordering studies and i, the person who will actually read this study, explain to them that the thousands of dollars they’re about to spend on this test will not benefit further management of this patient and it goes ‘well we want it’
#there’s like so much resource waste that goes into hospital admissions#and like i get that half the time it’s just ‘we wanna be sure’#but I AM THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THE IMAGING LIMITATION#you’re gonna do this test and be back at square one#and mind you i don’t lose sleep over this#it takes minutes for me to read a negative study#and our department gets richer#but like why do you think healthcare is so expensive#i am trying to help YOU#mimi medicine
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to be honest people are always telling me to play it cooler, to stop caring so much, to stop apologizing so much, to stop being so patient, to stop being so ready to take responsibility, to stop always being the bigger person and take it upon myself to fix things instead of letting them lie, even if they aren’t my fault or my problem. And I hate it. I hate the idea of not being myself. I hate the idea of not being as genuine and caring as I want to be. I hate the idea of not telling someone when I love them and hate the idea of saying goodbye to people I care about just because I want to be more right more than I want them to be in my life. I hate the idea of presenting myself as cool and suave and aloof just to get more people to like me. I’d rather be as genuine and honest about who I am and my intent and care than hide who I am as a person. Who cares if I’m less successful that way. I want to be liked for me, not for some other version of myself other people want to see.
#unimportant thoughts#I believe that who i am has value#the way i care and love for people has value#and im not interested in changing that#if other people prefer people who dont love as genuinely and care as deeply as I do#thats on them! im not gonna lose sleep thinking if i pretended to love them less they’d love me more#if they cant value who i am thats something they need to change not me#anyways#update: reread this and this sounds a little self congratulatory on being a good person or whatever#which is not my intent or even true#i am not a good person lol#i am just incapable of not caring with my whole heart or hiding my feelings from people#just not who i am#i will throw my wholenheart at people multiple times#i will reach out over and over again no matter how many times someone disappears
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being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.
#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness.#COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye#yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all#until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs#I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying.#even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat!#my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone#and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor#the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T#I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home#lonely TT-TT#it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry#I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now#but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up#and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time#I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week.#I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me#I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over#so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T.#I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind.#<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind
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#cops tw#bro I cannot handle one more thing happening istg#got pulled over on my way home after a 13 hour day#was already scared to drive at night and that just confirmed that I’m right to be scared#it was for running a red light n it was one of those situations of just not having time to stop on yellow#I was fully aware as it was happening that I was either going to slam on my brakes in the intersection or run a red and I could see the cop#so I knew I was getting pulled over either way I just hoped the yellow would be longer than .5 seconds. not so lucky#except I also Am so lucky bc he let me off with a warning#ig bc I don’t have any sort of serious history + with it being 420 once he saw I was sober he prob went easier#it’s the second time I’ve been pulled over in my life tho and it’s scary bc this is the first time since the accident#which maybe that was also ok bc it wasn’t my fault#I just know every warning or unlucky moment costs u more in the future if u happen to get unlucky again#like I know I got out of that bc I’m white. it was still a scary moment bc there were multiple cop cars#so it’s like is this guy abt to ruin my life am I gonna lose my license for being at the wrong place wrong time#when I’m already salty to be driving this late involuntarily#so it’s like I got unlucky And very very lucky#I just hate the confirmation that u can get pulled over at any given moment#I constantly rehearse every possible convo w cops in my head bc if u come off disabled u can die#or get arrested or whatever#and then they like don’t follow the script and u didn’t expect this to happen to u today anyway and I get flustered#anyway my point is. I’m fucking exhausted and too many things keep happening#it’s long day after long day w no end in sight rn and I’m like half asleep every day#I just want to sleep. without feeling like I’m already tired tomorrow#it’s too much. just all of it#and on top of it all. it’s 420 so the whole dorm building is basically a cloud of weed#happy u guys are having fun but u are physically harming me in my home#mine#txt#vent post#personal
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tried to outline something the other day and it went so bad it put me in a writing slump. so that's great
#if i dont post for a few days u know where i am <- mulling over other things#i'm probably just gonna scrap all of what i have for this chapter ngl and just. rewrite it#it might be for the best atp its so not worth it#i feel very scatterbrained about the whole thing so maybe i will just put that whole fic#on the back burner once again for the time being#i need to get more in the habit of outlining things once they start getting too long#like oneshots i dont need to but if it ends up being more than say. two chapters#it is going to need an outline and blegh#anyway i'll try to do some writing tmrw but i'm going to sleep after i post this#bc its the start of daylight savings and springing forward so losing an hour of sleep#and i'm so tired anyway i did not sleep well last night#bwah#shay speaks#not writing
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I HAVE TEN MINUTES UNTIL I GOTTA GO BUT H O W AM I MEANT TO FOCUS ON SCHOOL WHEN YTTD NEWS DROPPED
#HDHSISBWJJWNABSNSJAJJSJ#Rambles#on the plus side it woke me up I'm no longer half asleep#I did so m e t h i n g to myself i could not sleep last night my. Everything hurt <3 that happens often though i get injured or sick in#Silly ways#If I'm still like. Owowowow by tonight I'm probably gonna call a doctor then but usually stuff resolves for me on its own and it's not bad#This morning lol#ANYWAYS that's why i kept randomly ghosting yesterday <3#VEHSKWKWBSBSJAJBDBDHWBSBSND OKAY#I AM GOING TO LOSE MY KIND OVER THE NEW YTTD GIRL#SHES A STRAWBERRY!!!! STRAWBERRY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#Fambles
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very normal guy having a very normal time
#i just#i know its SILLY#i KNOW it doesn't matter#but i am like genuinely upset over alex dying#for the past few days i haven't been able to sleep bc i just think abt him all the time#and i just start crying#IM CRYING RIGHT NOW#and its like.#i get why he had to die#its a genuinely really good narrative#and it ties really well into the achilles and alexander the great motifs and parallels that ive been using for him#but goddamnit does it make me feel bad#i had so many things i wanted to do w him#that i just cant anymore#and it makes me feel so much worse#like yeah im glad he died bc the way its gonna impact the other characters is gonna be so good#but what about ME#he was my character and it sucks that im not gonna get to do everything i wanted w him#and then i just feel pathetic for crying and losing sleep over this
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I'm so sad right now, I've read all the available content on:
BUT THERES NO MORE AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU BUY THE BOOKS
Now here's where my dilemma comes in. I would LOVE to buy the books. Support an artist, get more content, the whole shebang, sound great!
So whats the problem, you ask? They only ship to the U.S. I live in Canada.
#im going to cry#please why is it so good#i need to figure out what happens next#im gonna lose sleep over this#i already dont sleep enough come on man#am i doing these tag things right? idk im still new to this whole tumblr thing
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#damn babygirl i wish people checked up on me more#this self conscious catgirl is so tired#sometimes i WISH people just came into my dms to ask me if im ok#i do it constantly to others because i hope theyre not as sad as i am feeling in that moment#genuinely afraid to have made someone feel bad and drive them away from me#and omg i feel nyself running thin again just bc im afraid to lose the interactions we have altogether because i cant process certain media#in a healthy way whatsoever and i get super hung up on thinfs that really dont matter that much in the end#YEAH IM RAMBLING IT'S 5:30 AM AND I COULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW BUT INSTEAD IM JUST CRYING FOR A STUPID REASON!!#i think ive only had one person check up on me based off the vibes in chat i gave off alone in the past couple of months#which was baffling and surreal btw and i think it broke something within me#it came from someone i wouldve never expected to even notice because sometimes it feels like its such a vast difference between us#i sometimes even wonder how are we friends in the first place#like do i even deserve to call this person my friend do they feel like that? or are we just discord acquaintances?#anyway all this just made me sad and my dumb ass is crying and yearning to be loved by my online peers thats all lol. meows pathetically#idk i guess i just.want to hear / see it more rather than just teying to tell myself that over and over hoping im not deluding myself abt i#personal#sorry for the emotions dump idk whats wrong with me tonight actually#me having to come to terms with the reality that i actually have a following and this might get boticed by more than 2 ppl#bc not everyone follows 3k blogs like i am :skull emoji: yknow#im probably gonna delete later because im actually a super self conscious person to the point i get nauseatingly anxious about it holy shit#i dont vent often and im 120% keeping it in but when i do oh boy#the dam bursts and im left like a sopping wet dog on the floor looking like a sad blob#which i am feeling like right now!#vent#emy rambles#ALSO LIKE THIS ISNT TO SAY IM NOT GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS OMG I AM#k really am#sometimes its still like. idk. unbelievable to me that people are genuinely interacting with me and the things i write or headcanon#and i shouldn't expect them to know whats wrong with me or if i feel bad if i dont say it or communicate that to them#but yknow one can yearn
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#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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#idk if i burned myself out finally or what this is but im just sad and upset that writing isnt all of a sudden working out for me#like i get it not everything can be a certified banger but ive felt that the last few just. havent been that good in general?#i just miss feeling good about writing stuff. i miss enjoying it. i mean i am but. also i dont think i am. i dont know#im just. afraid. last time i lost my will to write it took almost two years to fully get it back#and now its last for a good few months without much of issues until now#im probably just over dramatic and over thinking it but just. i dont want to lose this. but recently everything ive tried to do feels just#like a chore. and that its not good enough. and that it sucks. and that i suck#i dont wanna feel that. this isnt great. nothings great everything sucks#im just gonna try to sleep. not that its gonna change anything but maybe i'll feel at least a little better. doubt it but yeah#whatever really#night is an absolute mess on main
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august is gonna be such a good month and no one is going to convince me otherwise, thank u very much
#erin rambles#HI i have so much time with my partner next month#and i am literally vibrating with excitement#ren faire with my partner and my friends!!!!!#working on cosplay!!!!!!!!#more time together during the week!!!!!!#A SOLO TRIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR A WEEKEND#i swear i'm gonna lose my mind when i finally have my own place#and he can actually sleep over#maybe not lose my mind but i'll absolutely cry
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what if i just called out today
#look i Know it's free cone day and i Know i'm the store manager but i am so so so afraid#im gonna start getting ready in a few min my goal is to be at my shop by 9#i've been losing sleep over this lmfao#it's so stupid to be losing sleep over ice cream but when it's your career. good god#peace love & ice cream😗😀 sos
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there are so many things about this that infuriate me. i hate casual transphobia i hate casual transphobia I HATE casual transphobia!!!!!!
#transphobia#my post#dathings#dathings1#you didn't even call her dude you used the wrong pronoun and then doubled down on it wtffff#disturbing casual transphobia#“SURE ABOUT THAT???”#"no offense but i'm not gonna lose any sleep over your quote unquote correction?!?!?!#UGGHHHHHHHH#keep adding tags bc i cant get over this#just the sheer arrogance of 'well i think theyre a guy therefore i am right and i dont need your so-called “corrections”'#quote unquote correction#sure about that? are you suuuure the woman who has been out as trans for LITERALLY YEARS is trans? idk man#vent#things that get me upset#casual erasure#casual transphobia#tw transphobia
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