Oh. Wow, okay.

Just Lia from Itzy layin' down the prettiest OST song I've ever heard in my life, no big deal.

This is "Blue Flower" from (sorry if I butcher it) "Alchemy of Souls: Light and Shadow."

Memories of 2020 - Initial asks and a small discussion

*cracks knuckles* Here we go.

If any of you have spent any amount of time today on any ARMY sns platform, I’m sure you’ve seen the mess which, as seasoned ARMY, I can tell you was the exact same mess we see...every single time. I can’t particularly say I’m surprised by any of it, especially when watching the entire process, as in the first clips hitting the TL and then the rest slowly following suit like a flood building steadily as the hours went by.

From anon: be ready for insecure vminies 😂

I’m pleased to report it wasn’t actually as bad as I expected, though now that I’m typing this I probably jinxed my own luck and the flood of asks will come soon enough, but maybe not. I’m holding on to the latter.

Based on the cycle in which these things happen every time, as in that the first clips that hit the ARMY spaces are Xkook ones, followed by vmin and other ships, and lastly more OT7 content, I expected our asks to go haywire after that clip, you know which one I mean. But we’ve only gotten two (?) about it, kind of, so I guess most people understood that it was just for laughs and nothing serious that anyone would have to get insecure over.

From anon: Sigh. This is my first memories of bts as army and i'm already tired of how all of twitter seems to be about 1 j*/k*ok moment now. There were so many j*n/kook m*ments and hugs and a sweet h*pe/k*ok backhug moment and a good number of vmin moments including slow dancing so why is the focus always on that one ship?

Here’s the thing, maybe my TLs are just well curated, I don’t know, but on mine no one really focused on that moment? Even non-shipper OT7s just briefly had a chuckle and then moved along to other things, awww’ed at vmin moments, there was lots and lots of talk about J*nk*ok being super cute and there being so much content when it comes to their interactions, there was a lot of chatter about basically every duo and OT7 moment. I know ship specific spaces went nuts, Xkookers butting heads like their lives depend on it, but outside of them?

“All of twt” is an exaggeration and I know, believe me I do, that Xkookers have the ability to make it seem like everyone just cares about their moments because they themselves (the shippers) are loud and seemingly everywhere, but when you look past them, that isn’t the case. Shippers have a tendency to generalize, especially those who follow a lot of their fellow shippers, but when you step outside of shipper spaces, things look very differently.

Like anon said, though I’d like to preface this by saying that I haven’t seen the entirety of Memories of 2020 so I can only go by what I have seen though I’d say I’ve seen nearly everything that was posted on twt or at least as much as I could find (including Xkook things), there were a lot, and I mean a lot, of amazing moments between basically all the members, regardless of who your favorite duo might be, I’m sure there was something for you there. Even those who are supposedly a rarity. And even as vminnies, this time around we had a feast with so many amazing vmin moments, some funny ones, some random ones, some super cute ones, whatever you want, there is something there for you to find. And the same can be said about so many other duos, we even got Yoongi and Hobi FaceTiming each other, and Yoongi saying they look like a couple while looking at the pictures Hobi chose for the coffee truck he sent to Yoongi’s Daechwita MV filming set.

There’s one discussion I’d like to get out of the way below the cut, but after that I will have another post very, very soon in which I want us to just have some fun and look at vmin, namjin and the other moments because there is just so much to find. And this is just day one of people having the DVDs, these discussion will continue for a while because, like I mentioned before, Memories are a treasure trove for OT7 content and fun stuff, and there’s more than eleven hours worth of it to be watched, discovered and discussed.

But, okay, let’s get into that moment since anons wanted to talk about it and know my thoughts on it, so let’s do just that. And yes, other anon from a while ago, I remember you once mentioning how I shouldn’t talk about other ships and shouldn’t “debunk” them and their moments, though I’d hardly call this debunking, but as I said many times since our first post, I’m ARMY before I am a vminnie and namjinist, and our blog is called thoughts on Bangtan and, as far as I’m aware, both JK and Jimin are part of Bangtan, so I don’t see a reason why I can’t show my perspective on it and also voice my grievances with shippers when it comes to that moment. And, before anyone comes into our asks to yell at me for being toxic/problematic or only doing this to make my ship look better or whatever, no, that isn’t the point, like at all. 

“Debunking” moments makes literally no difference whatsoever in the grand scheme of things and doesn’t affect reality, all I am doing is having a chat just like everyone else. I’m not even asking you to agree with me, you’re more than welcome not to, I can’t and won’t stop you. Also, just so you know, my initial reaction was just to laugh amused by it, no hard feelings, so I’m not the bad guy.

That being said...the Xkook moment.

Here’s the thing, when it first surfaced many hours ago, the moment itself was cut down to show just the moment of Jimin leaning close to JK and JK leaning back and turning his head away so his cheek faced Jimin...and cut, some even cutting off the video before JK turned his head. That’s it. People, as in shippers, freaked out, and everyone else had a good laugh and moved along to other things, even vminnies were joking about it and everything. I saw none of my fellow vminnies getting angry or insecure about it. Then, as time went by, someone else posted that scene but this time also showing the things leading up to it, so putting it into context instead of removing it. With the context suddenly the whole thing looked and felt completely differently since moments prior Jimin was pretending to stab JK with the pointy end of his mic and then acted as though to check if he was d*ad, as in the end of the scene. Turns out it was just for giggles and not some grand romantic moment in a room full of people and a camera close to their faces.

By that time, of course, those who cared most about that moment had long decided what meaning this holds and didn’t care once context was shown. Gifs and art had already been created, the yelling was loud, and the fights between Xkookers were reaching levels of toxicity I hadn’t seen in a while, which was disgusting and fucked up the say the least. But, the thing is, I don’t think the moment itself was the issue. In context and as rational ARMY you know it was just Jimin playing around with JK as they usually do, things we’ve also seen other members do in similar (though not quite like this) fashion, and after eight years since debut and nine of knowing each other, this isn’t shocking or new in any way. No, the issue were Xkookers and the way they treated this moment, some even going as far as taking screenshots and editing them to make it seem like they were about to kiss, as in they changed the placements of their heads to fit their narrative, as well as others making gifs where they play the moment backwards (leaving out the part where JK leans his head away and to the side) and thus they created their own version of the moment which was different from what had actually happened.

That is my biggest issue with this whole thing. The blatant manipulation of moments to create narratives that don’t match reality, twisting them and using them in stupid pointless fights. But imagine vminnies were to do any of that, all hell would break loose and we’d be attacked without mercy because how dare, and yet they don’t follow their own “logic” and “rules”. It’s more than okay to find any and all moments cute, we all do, to make jokes and whatnot, but twisting context, manipulating it and basically creating your own version of it goes too far. 

Take what we are given as what it is, instead of what you want it to be.

So, now that that’s done, please fellow vminnies and ARMYs, don’t be insecure or let people ruin your mood and fun over it. It’s not worth it. Instead let’s check out and have a talk about some of the fun vmin and OT7 moments we got, along with other ones, including my reply to another anon when it comes to namjin. Of course what I will mention in the post (HERE) is basically just the tip of the iceberg since tumblr has a limit on pictures and everything, so just know there is so much more still left to see than just that.

Before I’ll go, for those who still feel a little insecure/doubtful/whatever else, while I was working on this post and the other one, another anon sent in this well timed vmin ask:

From anon: I have to say this as a Vmin supporter. Whatever is going on with Vmin we can rest assure what they is special/untouchable. They graduated HS & college together, going for Bachelors together. Jimin-ah I like you the most. I want to live with my lovely Taehyung for the rest if my life. Their future is together, friends/soulmates or more they said it. I won’t tear down other members closeness (good for them) their bonds don’t erase Vmins. I’m just happy with the moments Vmin allow us to see.

Final Fantasy IX ~ Melodies and Memories

"Jesters of the Moon"

There are a lot of very good video games in the world, but it takes some luck and circumstance outside of a game's control for one to reach me at just the right time(s) and place(s) in my life that it has a tangible impact on who I am -- who I want to be. One that carves out a space for itself in my soul that will never be removed or replaced.

I've just finished playing Final Fantasy IX for the first time, and there's no doubt in my mind that such is the case here.

(Continued below readmore.)

I drew this art last year, when I was mourning my attachment to an old favorite game that I just don't feel the same way about anymore: Majora's Mask. I wanted to draw something that captured my feelings about it, because sometimes art is the best way to talk about something when the words don't want to come.

Why is "Jesters of the Moon," the name of a random song in the Final Fantasy IX soundtrack, plastered in the middle of this Majora's Mask fanart? Especially considering I hadn't even played Final Fantasy IX yet when I drew this?

The reason is exactly that "luck and circumstance" that allowed me to fall so uniquely in love with the game.

"Mt. Gulug"

In 2008, someone on YouTube uploaded a Majora's Mask parody-slash-let's-play series called "Majora's Mask: The Things Which Were Taken Out." The series has since become unlisted and won't be linked here out of respect for the creator who probably doesn't want things they said and made in 2008 being spread all over the internet, but because of Unregistered Hypercam 2 reasons, the series inserted other background music over the video and didn't record the actual game audio.

I didn't recognize any of the music, but I watched these parody videos on repeat because in addition to being funny (...at the time, in my mind, at least), I really really loved the music. It got to the point where I would sometimes be playing Majora's Mask and get disappointed when I approached Goht and the Mt. Gulug theme wasn't playing in the background.

I had forgotten about these videos for a really long time in the interim, but I remembered them at some point when I was thinking about Majora's Mask and I found them again. The creator had cited the Final Fantasy IX soundtrack for virtually all of the background music used in the videos, and I realized that despite knowing literally nothing about the game, I had become really fond of - and weirdly nostalgic for - the songs from it that I now recognized.

So I looked up "Jesters of the Moon" and played it on repeat while I drew out my feelings in colored marker. A few months later, I realized that my backwards compatible PS3 can also play PS1 games, and eBay had FFIX for PS1 at a good price. I had nothing to lose by ordering it and seeing what the source of all that fantastic music was like.

"Vamo Alla Flamenco"

I started my playthrough knowing nothing about what to expect from the game. I'd never played a Final Fantasy game before and my overall JRPG experience has been mostly limited to Tales of, Persona, and more recently, mainline Shin Megami Tensei. The only things I knew about Final Fantasy were a) the Tidus laughing scene, and b) Sephiroth. IX seemed like it had vibes I would enjoy, but beyond that I knew nothing about what the experience would be. So I approached it with a "let's have fun and see how it goes" attitude, naming my party members the first silly thing that came to mind, ending up with "Swaggy," "OwO," "Bitchin," "Gunz," and "SWOOORD" to start with.

(For the record I do not regret those names whatsoever.)

I was immediately struck by how differently the game uses music in comparison to all of my previous JRPG experiences. This was not a game where the composer was given a list of theme songs that were slapped on top of a mostly completed game-- this was a game constructed with the soundtrack in mind as a part of the writing process.

The opening act plays almost like an opera (side note, yes I know one of the other FF's has a literal opera, I haven't played that one): you traverse the same locations from different perspectives as different characters, introducing the cast with lighthearted humor and dramatic irony out the wazoo. While you traverse the city as OwO, OwO's theme is playing in the background, coloring your perspective of the city and the narrative. When you switch to Gunz patrolling around the castle, Gunz's theme accompanies your movement and informs his character and mission. I am so accustomed to "location themes" being the norm in virtually all video games that experiencing character and/or narrative themes as BGM instead while I bumble around town changed my entire perspective on what music in games can do and be.

The operatic feeling is definitely intentional, because the game uses a play-within-a-game narrative device to hit you over the head with its themes in a way that is somehow poignant and artful while also being extremely blatant. That is a hard balance to strike, but it manages. The whole game is like that: it is completely straightforward and tells you exactly what it's about at heart, but it does it beautifully.

At any rate, I was enamored with this intro and had a very fun time, but I wasn't obsessed or anything and ended up putting it down. I spent several months on the first half of disk 1 with weeks passing between play sessions. I liked the game plenty, but life stuff happened and I decided to get obsessed with Dai Gyakuten Saiban and Ghost Trick for a while. No regrettis.

It was already clear, though, that FFIX was going to be special to me. My compositions for my team's game in the Global Game Jam in 2021 were directly inspired by FFIX's opera-like intro. I wrote two character themes for our game that would serve as background music when you play as the two protagonists, coloring your journey differently even when moving in the same spaces. I was intentionally trying to mimic the way music is used in FFIX as an exercise. The themes I wrote are definitely some of my strongest work so far.

(You can check out the game here if you want, I promise it is significantly shorter than Final Fantasy IX.)

"Melodies of Life"

Music caused me to pick up FFIX the first time, and music caused me to return to it. After months of not touching or really thinking about it, just earlier this week I was inspired to play it again, because - again - I listened to the right song at the right time.

I was again mourning the loss of something, in this case a friendship, for reasons I'm not going to share here. I had already heard the song "Melodies of Life" because it came up when I was looking up FFIX songs to reblog on Tumblr a few months ago, and I decided to listen to it again. Even without knowing the game context, the song itself really spoke to me in that moment: "a voice from the past, joining yours and mine, adding up the layers of harmony" - it kind of made me feel at peace with the fact that I had a lot of positive memories of that friendship and I could keep those at heart while also moving on in the present. ...I'm also a sucker for music metaphors, so there is that.

I was really moved by this song, cheesy as it is, and I was also definitely in the mood for a distraction. Picking up FFIX again felt like the best move.

It was, and my life is forever changed.

The game never stopped being beautiful and funny and touching, and the soundtrack never ceased to amaze. I recognized concepts I've seen in other games but never had I seen them used so artfully. I adored the fantasy world and non-human cast, I found myself enticed by random encounter for the first time because it made me feel like I had to struggle to survive a difficult journey. Music, gameplay, visuals, and story felt like one cohesive work of art for the entire duration.

Life circumstances got me to play the game again, but the game itself was so captivating and wonderful that I binged the entire rest of it - disks 2-4 - in less than a week. Everything else that the game had to say, it told me itself, in its own context, and I was ready to listen.

"You're Not Alone!"

This is going to make me sound like an emotionally-stunted twenty-something, but it has been years since a work of media has got me to have a really good cry. I used to cry playing games all the time as a kid but recently I'll find myself getting emotional, sure, often tearing up, but getting completely red-faced and snot-nosed because I physically cannot contain the emotions being evoked by a work? Years. I can't honestly tell you the last time it happened with certainty.

I feel like an emotional band-aid has been ripped off. I was f*cking sobbing during the entire duration of the "You're Not Alone!" sequence. It didn't matter that what was happening was obviously coming from a mile away, because the delivery was so raw and emotional and human!!! A whole game's worth of Swaggy punching first and asking questions later to save his friends, being Protag McProtag endangering himself for others in any and all circumstances, for the payoff of all of his friends forcing him to stop being such a primadonna and let them help him for once. It's true, too! He relies on them just as much as they rely on him! And the game doesn't just tell you this, no, it lets you try to solo all these fights and waits until you realize how boned you are until they come bail you out.

When Bitchin showed up with her "looks like you need a hand" I wanted to straight up yell at my tv. YES I DO!!! YES I DO NEED YOU BITCHIN!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!! I half knew that SWOOORD was going to heal me before I got truly KO-ed but I had been unmercifully wiped in "unwinnable" battles before in this game, so I legit thought I might have to re-do that whole part of the game again, and I was so relieved and thankful when she showed up and healed me.

This moment exemplifies everything that I adore about this game. It doesn't just tell you its story. It shows it to you, it sings it to you, and it and lets you play it out and feel it for yourself.

"Game Over"

This song is all too familiar to me. Gizamaluke's Grotto was very unforgiving for a first-time Final Fantasy player, especially one who didn't happen to pick up Big on the way for a fourth party member early on.

I hadn't heard the piano part in a few months, though, because when I picked the game back up I started just mashing to reload before it got to that point any time we wiped. I didn't hear it again until the game was truly over, this time for good.

I let it play for a while. Not too long, because I have a CRT TV and didn't want "The End" to get burned in. But a while. Enough to meditate on what I'd just experienced, and how I was feeling about it.

There's so much more to say about the game, far more than I could put in a blog post. But I don't think I need to describe these thoughts in words. I can do what the game did, and use music, use art, use stories, use metaphors, and use symbols to communicate what I mean; and hope that someone else is able and willing to listen.

And although a written record of my thoughts likely won't be preserved for all that long, maybe the feelings and the memories will be, so long as they have been shared.

Still Alive...

BEFORE YOU READ!

The following does get really personal, so please read (if you so choose) with an open heart and genuine sense of compassion and sensitivity. It's also many things I've wanted to get off my chest for ages. The following will also explain my mood in the past two journals I made. It does end on a lighter note, I promise.

It's been ages since I've posted anything online, let alone anything here... Remember months ago, when I had posted a journal about the slump I was feeling and then posted an artwork of me… slump drawing? There’s more beyond me simply losing motivation to make more art. And a few of you might have noticed I posted a rather… shocking status update in which I threatened suicide. Following that post, a lot of the unpleasant feelings and thoughts that I believed were gone came back to haunt me. Additionally, many things in my past came back to haunt me, prompting me to go soul searching and try to better myself.

For those not in-the-know, I have been suffering from clinical and manic depression for about the past 6 years. Speaking in real-life timeline, back in the 6 years, I remember that it started with my severe trouble making friends, communicating with others socially, and trying to fit in with others. My depression wasn’t just caused by my low turnout in the friends department, but also because I'd never truly felt loved by anyone… not even myself. As I grew up, I had no friends all throughout middle school and no friends all throughout high school, and then came to terms with the fact that I have no friends at ALL! Things like having no friends really did have an effect on me… I gave friendship and putting myself out there an earnest try, but after the many times I got hurt and betrayed, that was the end of it for me.  People like myself who are alone usually spend their time practicing something they like, in my case being my art, writing, and studying. From other sources and from my own experience, it helps to be noticed for your talents and interest. This pretty much tied into, if you’d notice, why I was actively moping around DA Forums grousing on why my work doesn’t get as much attention as I’d hoped or why those that are recognized do get it. Sometimes, I feel annoyed that noone cares about my work, not even my relatives. My original work. Like, on DeviantArt, I recall fan-art and fan-artists get tons of favorites on their work. While the highest I've ever gotten was 11. I've put hours, days, and sometimes weeks into these and noone cares. And it's mostly criticism that doesn't even make sense. I just want to tell them how hard it is to make the art, but showing people who aren't interested in the hobby will just make them annoyed about it. Everyone is expecting a @$%^ing anime master from every artist and I just don't get it. Some of the time people will make annoying re-colors to get the respect and attention they want, but they do get both of those things in the end. Mostly, how it goes is: A person will make a rather undeveloped character. Then, they will take someone else's artwork and color in their character. Then they will claim it as their own. Then, they will get hate and attention. The person will 'cry' over it and say that they are going to leave that site. People will feel bad for that person, make the person fan art, subscribe to or watch them or whatever, and the person will be filthy-famous and have tons of friends in the end, even though they didn't do jack @$%^! Or they just stoop so low just to get-rich-quick. Argh! I just don't get it any more! I try to hard making quality animation, art, videos, but no one cares what so ever!

I’ve had nobody.  Nobody cared about me.  Going this long without someone besides therapists to confide in, or someone to comfort you or share their likes and dislikes with could really mess you up...

An ordinary day for me back in high school that I rarely overlook, was my recurring plight when it came to being around others. For the majority of my life, I had been nothing but an outcast to people my own age, I never fit in with them since they never truly accepted me as their friend. From what I can remember, each year, I was either on my own or hung out with a group of kids as they talked amongst themselves while I just remained silent. And each year, I make the mistake of even having the tiniest bit of optimism that things just might be different. Having been alone and neglected for a long time, I spent every day seeing what it felt like to be going through what I think are quite possibly the worst years of my adolescent life, with my best and only friend gone (he moved), while I was stuck amongst people whom I felt care very little about me. Now, I’m by myself and with some content. Everyday I would go through the same routine—morning academic classes, lunch break, after classes, dismissal—counting the hours as they go by. For kids that suffered from anxiety or depression, like me, they were sent to the Social Work team where they can vent out their problems and try to uncover any solution or coping mechanism to get by the school year. For me, it might've been a different story because ever since my depression started, I received little check-ins from anyone, not even my own parents, relatives, or any old friends I once had (ones that I talked to in elementary or middle school that won’t talk to me anymore). Most of the time in school, I refused to show any emotion, trying to keep them all bottled up as I go through eight hours by hours while the other students talk amongst themselves and don't pay attention to me.

In life, I find what it is like to be in complete isolation, triggering memories of how I had endured loneliness in my childhood and used to be the timid, awkward, and sullen oddball, knowing that there is noone around to brighten my day, only the sound of other kids talking amongst themselves and having fun much to my envy is all I can hear. On one night as I walked home, I realized that I am really alone, having no idea where my life is going at that rate, or if there is someone out there who really cares about me because not a lot of people have spoken to me for a while ever since I became a high school student years back and regret not getting in much contact with them to see how things were. Plus, my closest relatives, such as my parents and brother are not really much help in my condition. As much as I try to talk to them, I don't get the feeling that they truly understand. The way they respond whenever I attempt to console to them is very dismissive and inconsiderate, further supporting my belief that not even they care about me. In the time I'd wrote this, I swore off telling them any ounce of my problems, as if they would actually care...

Even worse was enduring bullying and abuse from other students that triggered bad memories of what caused me not to be so trusting of others. And, I could not fight back against them all that much, doing nothing other than reacting, glaring, snarking, or giving the occasional finger, which wouldn't last long as I am often overpowered by their popularity, dominance, and miraculous ways of getting reactions out of me. Unless I were lucky to find some kind of way of hitting them. There were some days which ended with me getting sent to the principal’s office in order to acknowledge my mental illness with the staff, not to mention what feelings of trauma I get whenever I’m bullied or harassed by some dastardly kid. Sometimes after the bullying, I would have meltdowns or end up running back to my haven so nobody can see my silent (nonexistent) tears of regret and sorrow, even ignoring whatever pains those bullies left on my heart and body. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I can no longer bottle up my emotions, yet now I refuse to show it in front of others and would rather do it alone in my haven so I can be on to do so freely. The only words I can whisper to myself is “I hate myself…” This is also the case for cyberbullies and predators I've fallen victim of in the past—people have anonymously been mean and hurtful to me, and what's worse is that I REALLY cannot do anything about it besides reporting, especially for pedophiles who have managed to lead me on in the past and take advantage of my open wounds just to get an easy nail... Speaking of bullying, I think it's safe to assume that I'd also sufferred the same at the hands of my own father! In the past, and during my childhood, he would abuse me by striking me every time I screwed something up, even if it was a minor or honest mistake. Being both verbally and physically abusive, I can't exactly say I felt truly safe when around him in hindsight, worrying that one slip-up in front of him could result in another clean bruise on my body. Recently, I recall my father once barging into my room at night while I was asleep and interrogating me about some sort of misunderstanding with his credit card and certain online marketing website. Instead of actually filling me in on what happened or what was going on, he would yell me these questions with no fathomable context whatsoever. Even worse was that initially I was suffering from sleep inertia, so I definitely couldn't quite catch on quickly. Eventually, things led to things, and a heated argument erupted between us, prompting us to get into a shouting match and for me to release all my pent up anger on him, even getting physical and delivering a few blows to him thus further angering him. The incident left me with mixed emotions of confusion, sadness, trauma, and all topped with insomnia since I could not go to sleep for the rest of the night. The things he said to me during all this made assured me that he definitely didn't care about me, and that I was expendable just like all his other abandoned love-children... The feelings, it burns. It is when nobody says happy birthday. It is when family members say they love me yet don't show it. They don't know how to love me, and that is the same as not loving me. It is being alone at lunch. It is being alone and lonely all the time. It is spending hours online finding out how others managed to cope with the stinging feeling I get before I go to bed when my head starts spinning with all the evil truths that nobody cares about me. Sure, some may say they do, but who wants to listen to me talk about my passions? Who wants to help me out? Nobody... Nobody even wants to take time out of their day to spend it with me. It's reading books on how to make friends. It's moping for hours wondering why nobody even likes me, much less loves me. It's changing appearances and attitudes only to be rejected and alone and remain unloved. It's questioning who I am entirely, it's masking who I am and changing who I am and feeling like I'm crazy. It's wishing I could be okay with the fact that nobody loves me but it still feels like a hot hand gripping my throat and a heavy weight on my chest. It's replaying every comment in my head over and over. It's terrible, I can't talk with anyone about it because nobody cares. It hurts, God it hurts!

There was one thing during my time in high school that I could confide in, besides art and drawing…

Back in mid-2015, I remember working hard on a series called “Tails for Hire”; one that parodied the already-parody, Sonic for Hire. With the help of an online ally from Kentucky, I was able to finish it and upload it to YouTube that summer. At the time, my YouTube channel was nothing but cobwebs of old, rather second-rate videos. That was until the first episode of Tails for Hire was released. To my surprise, it garnered over 5,000 views the first week it was uploaded, and I was blown away by the good responses and relatively fair criticism. For the first time, I felt… significant! In retrospect, I realize that what lifted my spirits seeing the comments on my TFH videos was the fact that I had some company. Afterwards, my partner for the video, Tales499 and I talked fairly often, I made another (now former) friend on Skype from Norway, I had so many notifications of comments on the videos. I didn’t feel so alone during all this. I guess I wanted people to talk to and share my feelings with in order to quell my loneliness and compensate for my lack of friendships. I’ll admit, the internet was harsh at times with me, but I learn over the years (and now), that it’s a way of helping you grow thicker skin. This all might explain why I felt the yearning desire for popularity on different social media platforms. Though, I have to admit it does sound rather pathetic for me to console to people behind screens instead of face-to-face.

As some of you who know me from my YouTube channel, you’ll know that Tails for Hire is currently on an undeterminably long hiatus, as of June 2016. Currently, no return date was thought of, but don’t fret, one day… ONE DAY, Tails for Hire will return… At this point the hiatus is more of a hibernation.

Months later, after I finally graduated high school, leaving behind the four years of emotional torture I had endured, I was ready to head to university! Or at least, I thought…

I won’t get too deep into the details of what happened there, but I will say this—everything that I struggled with in my early-to-mid adolescence came to haunt me in university as if I was cursed. No matter how hard I tried to suck it up, I didn’t make any real friends or meaningful relationships in university. When I noticed all the other students at the school, I felt generally inadequate—it reminded me of all things that others are better at and how I'm don't have anything to offer anyone. At the end of December 2018, some of you might recall me making a status update on DeviantArt of me contemplating suicide, and that if I don’t post anything the next year, I might have actually gone with it… Few of you showed your concern… But, while I did appreciate it, I felt that people will only care when it’s too late… I’m sorry if I scared or confused some of you. If I EVER feel suicidal again, I’ll see it that seek immediate help.

Short story—public Safety, many counsellors, my roommates, and one of the deans had come to me saying how worried they were about my well-being after hearing reports of me acting strange and making suicidal remarks. This also ties into the fact that the way I've been feeling has caused me to occasionally miss some of my classes, not be able to focus well, and worst of all... develop some suicidal thoughts... I even explicitly fantasized of jumping off a roof or a window to kill myself! I'm sorry if all this info came up out of nowhere. Eventually, the Dean highly recommended that I be put on medical leave until it is decided that I'm fit to come back to campus. I wasn't too fond of the idea given that I worked so hard in coming to this school and at least tough my way through the first semester. But apparently, it's for the best... When others ask why I would even think to kill myself, the only overarching reason I can give is "I'm worthless!" When people notice that I've been OK for few days or acting normal, it's just that I've been manic. When I look at others, I always think of the things I can't do! I'm an artist who can even get noticed, I'm a guy who has never had many friendships that lasted long, I'm a wimp who can't work up the courage to confront others, I'm a university student on medical leave! All of these things and then some are what trigger thoughts of how my life is a joke! But somehow, during those times when I contemplated suicide, I actually felt free! Almost giddy, and that I could finally kiss this worthless life good-bye!

At the moment, I’m going through professional help and trying to keep myself busy during my downtime. Part of me says there’s no hope me, but part me says one day, I’ll be back to my old, wholesomely manic self again. Step by step… it just might happen.

Lately, I’ve tried to get back into the passions I once enjoyed, get the ideas I’ve had out there as if someone would want to see them. But, I still struggle in finding the motivation thinking of the very disheartening outcomes—low viewership, negative or no feedback, or just not feeling happy with the finished product. I sometimes look at my art and wonder if I can do better or it's good enough. I'm turned between both sides on that case, mainly because I don't have anyone else to share with me their well-thought-out opinions, instead of one-word comments or notifications where someone simply favorites something. Mostly due to my depression, almost everything I do in life seems meaningless. Because that's how depression works! No matter how good I (supposedly) am, I don't remember the good things about myself, I just over exaggerate the terrible stuff about me and it becomes who I am in my mind. No matter what I do, I'm not good enough for myself... But no, my fear of death and it being a one-way ticket are what stop me... I try to figure out what I have to live for and what ideas I have to share. It's really hard, given how I compare myself to others and how much success they've achieved besides me, and the negative thoughts are what cloud my mind no matter how hard I try to clear them. Then there's the days where I feel unimportant or under appreciated, as if I make no difference by staying alive. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world and that noone can stop me, and other and most days I feel nothing but pain. During those good days, I find myself surrounded by people who seem to care and be interested in me, but soon after the feeling wears off, and I just don't know why! In the time, I've written this, I've been feeling really low, as if noone would even care or bother to read this or be concerned with how I'm feeling. But as I finish and sign off... I kinda feel like a huge weight was lifted off of me. It felt good for me to let it all out, even if it is just typing it out. (Sigh)... If you've made it this far in reading the journal, thank you for reading and hopefully understanding. Once again, I'm sorry if this seemed overly dramatic, self-indulgent or just really heavy. But like I said, this was for me to get some of that heavy weight off me. Throughout half of this year, everything that has happened was really just too much to explain, too much to handle, too traumatically stressing, and generally just heavy... which is why I needed time off... Again, thank you for reading...

Current Music Obsessions: November 1 - 15, 2017

So I have A LOT to show you guys today. I've been working on stuff and busy in my personal life that I haven't been able to really purge my watch later playlist, but at least we got a lot of great jams to get through this time around. Here are the MANY honorable mentions.

Angelical Tears - Once Upon a Time Kat Von D - Vanish Deus Ex Machina - Shadows from the Past Secret Rule - Imaginary World feat. Ailyn Gimenez (ex-Sirenia) Melyra - Living and Drifting The Fifth Alliance - Your Abyss Eye of Eternity - From Ash Omnium Gatherum - Blade Reflections Beast in Black - Beast in Black Dead End Scene - Dawn Lost in Grey - Dark Skies Butcher Babies - Pomona (Shit Happens) Sorxe - Hypnotizer Universal Mind Project - Xibalba Serenity - United In Dreams of Reality - Synced Generation Erszebeth - Parafilia The Dark Element - Dead to Me Deadspace - Reflux A Perfect Circle - The Doomed Falloch - The Carrying Light Adimiron - Stainless Heptaedium - Subpixel Carryover Two Souls Creature - The Beginning ~ Darkwell

And here are my MANY obsessions.

1) Anna Fiori - Fuego Negro

This is Anna's first single from her upcoming album and it is so beautiful. Her music is kinda like Within Temptation's gothic metal period, just heavier. I can't get enough of this track. Of everything I've heard from her, this has to be my favorite so far and I can't wait to hear more.

2) Aether Realm - The Devil

I discovered this song and band through a mutual on Twitter and got into pretty quickly. They're a blend of symphonic, black and folk metal and are also from the States, which blows my mind. It's rare that I find a band from the States that I actually think is really great, but a lot of American bands have been to my liking lately. This song is just pure epicness and is a journey from start to finish.

3) Marmozets - Habits

This song is so catchy and fun. It's more in your face than Play, but is just as fun and great. I'm so on board with this band and I hardly know anything about them other than that they have such a cool sound and that I'm totally digging them.  The video is a bit strange, but oddly fits the song. Can't wait to hear their new album.

4) Regardless of Me - Losing You (In Loving Memory)

This is their newest single and I'm really into it. It's very different compared to the stuff I'm used to hearing from them with their previous singer. It's definitely more on the gothic metal side than the symphonic metal with hints of power metal that I'm used to, but is still really great. This song is so simple, but the execution is what makes it amazing. The chorus is everything and is what really sucks you in.

5) Evanescence - Lacrymosa

HO. LY. TITS. THAT FUCKING HIGH NOTE AT THE END. That's all I got to say on this AMAZING rendition of this already amazing song from them. Go listen to it, NOW.

6) Light Among Shadows - In the Dark of Dreams

I randomly came across this band in the recommended videos one day. Their singer is definitely different from the singers I'm used to, but her voice suits the music so well. It's a great jam that's pretty catchy.

7) Amberian Dawn - I'm the One

I am so beyond excited for their new album. This song alone is such a great representation of joining the old with the new. It has such a classic Amberian Dawn vibe to it, while still keeping it fresh and suitable for Capri. She fucking slays this song and it shows just how versatile her voice is and how broad her range is.

8) Shade Empire - Ruins

I wound up rekindling my love for song recently. It's a great jam for those of us who really enjoy symphonic black metal. According to the metal archives, they're an industrial metal band. Although I can understand why they say that, the industrial metal influences are so minimal and outshined that it goes unnoticed. But that aside, this song is epic and amazing and really need to listen to more from them.

9) Monolith Moon - Stages of Mind Catabolism

I'm finally getting around to listening to more from them and this song is some proggy goodness. I'm curious as to when they plan on releasing their full length album, because this debut EP is proving to be wonderful. I'm definitely am gonna continue to listen to more from them and keep and ear out for any upcoming release.

10) Banks - Better

I decided to give this a song a listen whilst listening to her one day and got hooked. It's a great jam and is a bit more raw compared to the stuff I've heard from her so far. I haven't heard a dud from her yet and am always looking forward to hearing more from her.

11) InAeona - Soldier

This is a sludge-ish post metal track that I discovered through their record label. It's such a great song to just chill to, but also great to jam to. That's the beauty of post metal, the aggression fused with the ambiance truly make it wonderful for anyone to listen to. Definitely am gonna check out more from them.

12) The Design Abstract - Metropolis I

Randomly came across these guys one day and now need to hear their new album. They have such an interesting sound for a prog band. They have such a strong electronic element, something that a lot of prog bands that I listen to don't have. It's so refreshing to hear something so different in the progressive metal scene.

13) Arch Enemy - The Race

This new album is proving to be a ballbuster and WAY better than War Eternal already. I can't wait to listen to it. This song just exudes Alissa's influence on the band, but is still so true to themselves and what they've always brought: a death metal assault full of raw energy.

14) Hallatar - My Mistake feat. Heike Langhans (Draconian)

This is hands down the most beautiful doom metal track I've heard so far this year. I so plan on buying this album (and hopefully a shirt) when I can do so. This song is just so heartbreaking and beautiful. If Trees of Eternity were to ever do a live show, they NEED to have Heike sing the songs, for she's the only singer who can truly match up to Aleah's ghostly voice and embody the heartbreakingly beautiful lyrics, just as she does with this song here. This song is perfection.

15) Marina and the Diamonds - How to be a Heartbreaker

Finally listening to more from her and this instantly became a jam. It's so much fun and so upbeat. I'm constantly finding myself singing it throughout the day. The video is such a great change and reversal of roles. It's so nice seeing men being objectified in a music video for once and the woman being the one who's in charge and isn't being sexualized whatsoever.

16) Gulsen - Bangir Bangir

Discovered this banger through an episode of Teens React when they reacted to Turkish pop music and I had to listen to this song on my own. The singer's voice is so wonderful and so different compared to so many pop artists you hear today and so different compared to the singers I listen to on the regular. This song is such a fun song to just jam out to and I literally can't stop listening to it. Why and how is it so good??? Oh, and have fun getting this song out of your head.

17) Dark Sarah - Trespasser feat. JP Leppaluoto

They're back at it again with a beautiful and powerful song. This song is exactly what was to be expected and more when we found out that Sarah wound encounter the Dragon again. The video is so different and unexpected, but then again we don't know how to story leads up to the point where this song/video take place, so it could easily make sense once we get the full context. I'm so looking forward to the song that features Zuberoa (Diabulus in Musica, Tragul) and I can't wait to hear what else Heidi has in store for us with this chapter of the story.

18) Snow Tha Product - Play

It's official. Snow is one of my favorite rappers. I knew she was really good, but after listening to this, it sealed the deal. Homegirl goes IN on this song. It's such a fun and great jam. DEFINITELY best when you got headphones in and the volume is turned up. Just give it a listen. You won't be unimpressed.

And that's it for this long start to November!

Casualty S31 rambling

OK so this is definitely a bit early, given that the series finale  isn't for another nine days, as I write this, but the past few days I've had various different conversations about the 30th anniversary year of Casualty and it's made me realise I have a lot of thoughts. So here goes... [maybe...I might not even have the confidence to post this anywhere]

I went into this series really struggling as a viewer, not because I had suddenly fallen out of love with my favourite show, or my favourite group of cast and crew, but because  my two favourite characters arguably of all time had just left within three months of each other, I think that would prove difficult for most people in all honesty, and trust me when I say if it had been any other show, I probably would have just given up. This was never an option here though!

I always love the start of a new series, because it feels all sparkly and new, but the start of S31 really did feel like reset  after  how brutal S30 was for me. It absolutely didn't disappoint, from the minute Iain crashed to earth in the helicopter [yes that was literally the defining moment for me] and I spent the remainder of  the episode thinking they were going to 'pull a Patrick in S16' and he was going to drop dead at any moment, and Lily was going to find him slumped in a corner somewhere, and wanting to scream that this wasn't fair, I knew it would all be OK.

The levels of nostalgia for me this series have been pretty intense too. The return of Duffy is the perfect exampe of this. Duffy was 7/8 year old Kirsty's favourite character, and 7/8 year old me was so sad when she left first time around. I wasn't overly fussed about her returns over the years, but having her back this time around has made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I don't know it just feels different from before. Duffy marrying Charlie was also a massive highlight of this series for me [and I hardcore shipped Baz&Charlie back when, I mean COME ON Everlasting Love], it just felt so right, and actually Duffy brings out a side in Charlie that I didn't really see before and I like it. I've also loved the returns of Josh, especially  the most recent one , when he brought up his family dying in the house fire, the history of this show has become so important to me these past 12 months! Incidently my favourite scene in the whole of the anniversary episode, is Charlie,Duffy and Josh standing on the stairs blocking Jacob's way. Whenever I say that to people who know me they always question me, and I get it, I mean I'm normally more likely to say Noel and his ice sculpture or Lily relentlessly persuing Iain to make sure he's  OK, but that scene in context is absolutely iconic. I just love it so much. I hope we can have Josh back on a bit more of a permanant basis cos honestly I'd love to see him in the ambulance with Iain.

I can't write this  without mentioning Lily&Iain. I walked into the anniversary episode a Lily&Ethan shipper, I walked out of it wanting nothing more then Lily&Iain to live happily ever after!It was like being slapped round the face by their obvious chemistry and countless times since I've wondered why I never saw it before. I can't believe there are two episodes left of this series, and apart from a very brief hook up they are still not together. I have loved all the almost moments so much though, from Gem  saying that they're obviously going to get together, and Iain flat out denying it, to Iain sitting at Lily's bedside telling her that if she survives they're going to be something special. Iain she survived, I am still waiting for you two to be something special, I believe they will be eventually, I don't want to think I wasted a year of my life invested in something that was only ever going to last two  episodes, as great as that hook up was! Some say it was inappropriate, I say they were just being more Cal! 

Whether together or seperately, there is no denying that Lily and Iain have been my absolute favourite thing about this series..I'll start with Iain... I've never actively disliked him, I mean he's pretty inoffensive as a character [if we forget the Rita stuff, and I really try to in all honesty], but in that moment when the helicopter crash landed with him in it, I realised just how much I loved the character, and how much I needed him to not be dead! I have absolutely loved getting to know more about his backstory this series, adding Gem as his little sister was an absolute highlight for me, and then when his mum arrived a couple of episodes later. It had never occured to me how little we actually knew about him until this happened. I hope we get to see both Gem and Kim again because there is definitly unfinished buisness there. Plus I want to know that Kim actually got the help she needed!As for Lily the evident character progression that has emerged this series has been one of my absolute favourite things of recent years, yeah I loved her from the moment she arrived, purely on the basis that I thought she was hilarious, but when you stop and think about it, and there have been several episodes this series where I really have done just that, she is basically the definition of character progression done right, and really subtly over time. The most defining moment  for me was when she told Iain that 'life doesn't run on plans'. This coming from the woman who when she arrived had a very definite five year plan, and nothing was going to deviate her from it.I have truly loved seeing the growth in Lily and long may it continue.#

Equally I can't write this, without mentioning Cal's death, I'm not sure that by the time it happened anyone was surprised it was  him, but the way in which it happened was pretty shocking. The episode was totally set up to make you think it was going to be Lily, and then BOOM Cal. I could never quite make up my mind about Cal, sometimes I really liked him, and sometimes I really hated him, but his death got to me way more then I thought it would, I think it was the other characters reactions though. Obviously Ethan [but more on him in a second], in the same way that I will never forget Dixie screaming Jeff's name when he died, I will never forget Ethan seeing Cal led there. Elle really got to me aswell though, I honestly don't think she gets anough praise as a character, her standing there telling Cal he would be OK and stroking his hair even though she knew  it probably wasn't going to be OK, broke me more then anything else apart from Ethan, and nobody ever really talks about that, which makes me sad.

So yeah Ethan, I spent a lot of this series kinda frustrated with him, mainly because I thought he deserved better then Alicia, who knew how he felt about her and still thought it was OK to go off with Cal, and I couldnt understand why he'd still want her after that, but the minute Cal died that all kinda went out the window. It's been nearly three months and I still can't imagine how Ethan is meant to live without his big brother, they didn't always have the best relationship but still. It's broken my heart seeing him so set on revenge, and oddly enough despite not really shipping it at all until this point, I was so very glad that in the beginning he didn't shut Alicia out,he let her be there for him, which I wasn't expecting. I hope she doesn't give up on him, because he needs someone.I really hope in S32 that Ethan can find some form of peace, I hope he gets justice in the right way for Cal, I REALLY hope he doesn't do anything he can't come back from in Saturday's episode.

Another storyline that really got to me this year was David's mental health issues, and the Robyn stuff that happened as a consequence of it. I thought it was so well done. David&Robyn are one of my favourite friendships on the show, and the  'graveyard episode' and Five Days are two of my favourites of the series. Watching the build up to David's breakdown was like knowing that a car crash was about to happen and being powerless to stop it, obviously as a viewer but also I think for some of the characters. One of the scenes that got to me the most was in 'It Starts with the Shoes', when David's son can see what's about to happen, but can't do anything about it, and David can see what's about to happen too, because he says something like 'next time I see you I'll be wearing the most boring shoes.' that really got me. We need his son to come back now. I also really love the end scene when Dylan talks to David, and basically asks him to go for treatment for him. Sometimes Dylan really surprises me and that was one of those moments. As a side note, I've really loved the Dylan&David friendship that's blossomed from that, and as much as Dylan is helping David 'to live', I like the role reversal that's gone on since Dylan has been struggling in the wake of Cal's death. As for Robyn, I'm so glad that she's finally back, but the episode Five Days is one of those episodes where you could cry from beginning to end if you wanted to! At the time I was convinced they were going to kill baby Charlotte [how glad am I that I was wrong], and that it would be  three thousand times more devastating because of the kind of character Robyn is, she's so sweet and innocent, and doesn't really mean any harm whatsoever, obviously it would  have been devastating for any character but I feel like she would have been the least equipped to  ever be able to come to terms with it, thankfully they didn't, and the very last scene had me actually sobbbing happy tears, with them all sat watching the video of Charlotte, they're such a family unit!

One of the other things I have truly loved this series, has been seeing Noel getting more stuff to do away from being sat behind reception all the time. I genuinely don't think I have ever laughed as much at something  in Casualty, as I did when Noel got so drunk on Charlie's stag night that he genuinely believed his name was Leslie!! It was getting towards the end of the episode though and I was also getting quite concerned that no-one was actually going to call him Noel again! In complete contrast though, It made me really sad for him when he thought he was going to lose his job and the machines were going to take over! I can't imagine a Casualty where Noel isn't there, and I hope I don't have to for a very long time in all honesty.

I'm going to end  with, I'm pretty sure that if I was writing this after the 29th July I would be including the One shot episode in this, but I wanted to write my thoughts down while I was feeling 'ALL THE THINGS' about Casualty. I always love my favourite show but just lately it feels more intense. I'm going to blame the 30th anniversary...