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goaliekisses · 1 year

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woof juicy news day for us pens fans. not only do we have sidney crosby’s Seduction of kyle dubas, now we have this article on Why Hextall Sucks (and how he pissed off even sidney crosby) + some angsty Geno details that i will only relish now that he’s still with us:

Early last summer, at his spacious home in Montreal, Kris Letang finally saw the document that secured his future in Pittsburgh.

No stranger to the multi-page, standard player contract, this one was particularly special. It was his fourth, and probably his last. It contained specific elements Letang and his agent required. One line read “six years.” Another read “$36.6 million.” The line that Letang really loved?: “full no-movement clause.”

Together, those words recommitted Letang and the Penguins, the only NHL franchise he had ever known. At 35, he would finish his career in Pittsburgh.

As word spread last July 7, Letang’s phone blew up. The flood of well-wishers included teammates past and present, various Penguins personnel he’d befriended over his previous 16 seasons, and family and friends. He took only a few calls. Among them: Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin, his oldest and dearest teammates in Pittsburgh, who were thrilled for him.

Crosby, the Penguins captain and franchise icon, had made it clear to general manager Ron Hextall and president of hockey operations Brian Burke as far back as the 2021 offseason that he wanted the team to re-sign impending free agents Letang and Malkin so the three veterans and lifetime Penguins could take another shot at a Stanley Cup together.

Would Crosby pressure ownership to sign Malkin and Letang? “I’ve never wanted to be GM,” Crosby said. “I think they know how I feel.”

While the negotiations with Letang took longer and were more difficult than expected, Hextall’s discussions with Malkin had turned dark. Only days before the start of free agency last summer, Letang, Crosby and coach Mike Sullivan worked overtime trying to calm Malkin, who was stewing over lowball early contract offers, limited communication with Hextall and veiled public shots from Burke.

“How bad is it?” Letang asked Crosby about the state of Malkin’s emotions and the negotiations.

“Pretty bad,” Crosby said.

Hextall first irritated Malkin late in the 2021-22 season by offering a short-term contract extension to his agent, J.P. Barry. In the offseason that animosity built as weeks passed without a follow-up conversation from Hextall. On June 17, Hextall told Barry that the team’s offer was “take-it-or-leave-it,” and the next day Burke used those words to characterize the negotiations during multiple media interviews. Not surprisingly, Malkin, a sure Hall-of-Famer, went from annoyed to insulted.

For weeks leading up to and after Letang’s deal was finalized, Malkin stewed at home while Crosby, Letang and Sullivan checked in with him from afar. With no deal in sight, Malkin began speaking to his small inner circle as if his time with the Penguins was concluding.

Hextall fielded daily questions from Fenway Sports Group brass about why Malkin hadn’t yet been re-signed. Hextall was also taken aback by the barrage of calls and texts — from Penguins alternate governor Dave Beeston, from Crosby and Sullivan, from president of business operations Kevin Acklin — after reports surfaced that Malkin would test free agency. He told his agent he wanted to “show Hextall and Burke” by trying the open market.

Malkin had joked during the ’21-22 season that he was “a rich guy,” insisting he didn’t need to worry about money on his next contract. He was having a laugh, but was also somewhat serious. He had taken less than market value on two previous deals with the Penguins and expected that trend to continue on his final NHL contract.

He was about to turn 36. He wanted to play until he was 40. He sought a contract with a no-trade clause. But more than money, he needed the Penguins to show they really wanted him, something he felt was lacking, especially from Hextall. By July 11, 2022, Malkin was convinced he’d already practiced in Cranberry for the last time.

After tucking in their son, Nikita, Malkin and his wife, Anna, sat on their leather couch and looked at a summary sheet of Hextall’s latest offer: four seasons, $24.4 million total, a full no-movement clause.

Malkin was fine with what he read. The sticking point was his bruised feelings.

“They not think I good player,” Malkin wrote in a text message to Crosby.

“They not want me,” Malkin texted to Letang, who had stepped up efforts to console Malkin after signing his deal.

Malkin wanted to stay in Pittsburgh, but he no longer trusted either Hextall or Burke. Crosby and Sullivan intervened. Each spent hours on the phone with Malkin as July 11 became July 12. Careful not to tell him what to do, Crosby and Sullivan implored Malkin to “not worry about those guys” — Hextall and Burke — when making a final decision. Letang, too, jumped into the mix. Together, two-thirds of the Big Three and their coach brought up every special moment, funny story and great time they could remember to remind Malkin what they had built in Pittsburgh. Malkin paced from room to room at his condo in Fisher Island, finally beginning to feel wanted again.

As early morning shifted to late afternoon, Malkin had heard enough to make a decision. He called his agent, Barry, with instructions to re-engage with Hextall and take the offer. Upon calling, Barry was surprised to find a receptive Hextall.

After hanging up with Barry, Hextall bragged to his assistant GM, Chris Pryor, and a handful of staffers, that he “got him on my terms — that’s how you negotiate.” Malkin informed Crosby, Letang and Sullivan that he was staying. When talking to Crosby and Letang, Malkin sounded happy for the first time in a long time.

“We win next year,” Malkin told his friends. “Big year get back Cup.”

also these bits 🥺

After McGinn was put on waivers, he played a memorable final game with the Penguins, blocking shots and setting up Crosby for a dramatic tying goal in the third period. In the locker room afterward, his soon-to-be-former teammates named him player of the game, eliciting a massive roar from the group that could be heard through closed doors.

Hextall traded Teddy Blueger during the same trip. In the middle of a dinner with the players’ fathers, arranged by Crosby at Bern’s Steakhouse in Tampa, Blueger learned via social media that he had been dealt to Vegas. He and his dad abruptly left the restaurant. Crosby rushed to console his now former teammate and after a few minutes returned to the dinner. “That’s not how we do things in Pittsburgh,” he said. Crosby remained mostly quiet the rest of the night.

…Long after most of their teammates had left the locker room after the demoralizing 5-2 defeat, the Big Three remained.

Malkin was emotional, his voice rising as he spoke. He had been dreaming of his beloved parents, Natalia and Vladimir, returning to Pittsburgh for another postseason run. Instead, they’d stay in Russia.

Letang, in the adjacent corner of the room, spoke thoughtfully and contemplatively. He had been through hell and back all season, and the Penguins’ loss was another blow.

Then there was Crosby, who sits at the center of an arc of connected lockers. The Penguins captain, with gray hairs that seemed to grow more plentiful throughout the season, sat stoically. After finishing interviews, Crosby sat by himself, staring straight ahead before slowly walking out of the locker room.

sorry need to add the header too because i would totally watch this telenovella

#wowwwwwww #i just… the teddy detail really slayed me #sidney crosby #evgeni malkin #kris letang #teddy blueger #pittsburgh penguins

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tgmsunmontue · 1 month

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To wake, perchance to dream WIP 1/?

Hangster - Jake wakes up 10 years in the future and thinks he has amnesia. Instead it's a glimpse of what his life could be. When he wakes up right before being called back to Top Gun for the special detachment he's going to try his damndest to make that future come true...

CHAPTER ONE

Jake wakes up too warm, pinned beneath the weight of someone’s arm and he opens an eye and squints out into the glaring morning light.

This is not his room.

He has blackout curtains in his room, not gauzy nets that blow around in the breeze from an open window.

This is not the couch in Javy’s apartment.

Nor is it the guest room at the Machado’s home.

He didn’t drink anything last night, but he’s feeling stiffer than he usually does.

Something is… not right.

“Hrmgh.”

He shifts so he can glance over his shoulder at the owner of the arm and sleepy-mumble and his mouth drops open in surprise.

Bradley Bradshaw.

Not only Bradley Bradshaw, but at least half-naked Bradley Bradshaw, spooning him and… wearing a wedding ring. And hopefully maybe pants.

Fuck.

He pushes the arm and attached hand away, wiggles away a little and then sees the ring on his own hand and just stares at it.

What the fuck is going on.

He’d remember getting married right?

Surely?

“Jake… turn off the sun.”

“You’re the one that didn’t shut the curtains,” he says, and he has no idea what made him say that, but Bradley just groans, pulls a pillow over his head and Jake decides that now is a good time to run for the bathroom.

… … …

He looks old. Not bad, but he’s definitely got more wrinkles than he did when he last remembers looking into the mirror and he’s either got some weird type of amnesia or he’s dreaming or he’s in an alternate timeline. Those are his top three theories and he knew being obsessed with science fiction as a teenager would come in use someday. He uses the bathroom and cups his hands to drink some water from the tap.

Right.

Information gathering.

Best place to start is going to be his phone, if he can find it. Surely he still has a phone in the future and hasn’t allowed anyone to insert a chip into his brain. He dries his hands and tiptoes back into the bedroom, takes in the naked torso of Bradley Bradshaw and okay, he did good if he somehow managed to lock that down, regardless of timeline or potential amnesia. He spies a phone on the side of bed he woke up on, lying on a flat platform type thing, along with a watch and something that looks like it attaches to his ear, which he leaves. He pulls the curtains closed and hopes that buys him a little more time before he grabs a pair of jeans tiptoes back out, carefully closing the door behind him.

He pulls the jeans on and walks down the hall, phone gripped tightly in his hand and takes in the pictures on the walls. This version of himself and Bradshaw are definitely married, couple of photos that can be nothing but wedding photos. They have lots of people in their lives if the number of photos are anything to go by, although he doesn’t recognize half of them. It’s only just after six in the morning, the clock in the kitchen informs him and he spies a coffee machine and it’s already on, filling steadily and he wonders who turned it on or if these things are automatic now.

While he waits for it to finish he open his phone, going to contacts and scans through them.

Abbey. Admrl Simp. Alex. Alicia. Amber. Austin. BamBam. Best Person Ever. Blake. Bob. Brendan. Bryce. Dan. Dave. Dickhead. Directory. DJ. Fanboy. Fritz. Hadley. Halo. Harvard. Hin. Hondo. Jack. JB. Javy. Jared. Jason. Klaus. Kyle. Mark. Matty. Mike. Mom. Morgan. Neil (not Omaha). Nick. Nix. Olivia. Omaha. Payback. Penny. Per. Pete. Phil. Robert (not Bob). Rooster. Sally. Scott. Steffan. Tony. Voicemail. Wayne. Yale.

There are so many names he doesn’t recognize and he feels his breath coming a little short and forces himself to calm down. Panicking will not help. There are names he does recognize so he will start there. Actually, now that he looks he realizes he recognizes more, but they’re callsigns of other pilots, not friends he’d expect to have in his phone. Except if he has somehow time travelled then maybe they’re his friends now too?

Javy though, he knows Javy now, and he looks at the most recent messages from Javy and is glad he didn’t immediately call him, because admitting he didn’t know Javy had kids and that apparently they’re under his care… Fuck. Where are they? He swallows down the rising panic again, years of training kicking in and walks down the hall and carefully pushes open the almost closed door he’d walked past earlier and sure enough there are kids in there. Three of them, and he’s not sure what’s the most surprising, that Javy finally got hitched and settled enough to have three kids, or that he apparently trusts Jake to look after them. Jake and Bradshaw that is. Apparently.

This bedroom is bigger than the room he woke in, but it’s clearly been decorated for these kids in mind and he wonders how often they stay over, to have individual beds. He doesn’t know kids, he was the youngest of four and they were all pretty close in age. He’s been deployed while his brother’s and sisters had started having kids, sees them irregularly at best. But he can probably hazard a guess at ages. Their names are above their beds, two being cribs and he peers in, wonders just how little these children are. Alleisha, James, Brandy.

Alleisha is in a bed, and he’d put her around six or seven years old, can’t really project her length int height, and being tall doesn’t always equal age anyway. She’s definitely the oldest by far though, the little boy, James, maybe two or three, splayed out like a starfish, thumb lax in his mouth and he looks so much like Javy it makes him smile and something in his gut relaxes an infinitesimal amount. The fact that he looks older, that Javy has kids is making him think he’s got amnesia. That’s more likely than time travel, but he’s feeling a little bit sick regardless, everything unfamiliar.

He moves over to the final crib and there is a baby, a legit, tiny human, it can’t even be a year old, and it’s eyes are open, watching him quietly and he freezes, wonders what he’s meant to do with it. He’s seen other people do things with babies. Knows the theory. In theory. Okay. He can fly multi-million dollar planes, he can pick up a baby. He leans down, making a shushing noise and he gets a wide grin and a slap to the face for his troubles as he picks Brandy up and cradles her to him. She’s heavier than he thought she’d be.

Right. What do you do with babies. Diaper change right? Oh god. There’s a change table and he lies her down, looks at the snaps and zips covering the baby and wonders if he should just go and wake Bradshaw up and get him to deal with it. Except this is Javy’s kid. Plus he doesn’t need anyone’s help. He works at the zipper and snaps and finally finds a sodden diaper before he realizes he’s going to need a new one, fortunately located right beneath the change table, along with some wipes. Okay. This is going well.

He pays attention as he undoes the little tabs, knowing he’s going to have to do the whole thing in reverse, and he has a fucking engineering degree, he can figure out a fucking diaper. Fortunately only a wet diaper and he wipes, wipes again, wonders how many times he’s meant to wipe before deciding that someone else can take the next diaper change. There’s a little diaper pail which he’s grateful for, one hand not leaving her little body, terrified she might just roll off. When do babies start rolling around? Planes don’t move unless you tell them to, she’s moving all limbs independently and with no apparent control, sucking on a fist but thankfully quiet and happy. He doesn’t want to see not-quiet and not-happy if he can help it.

He takes her out of the weird sack thing, assumes it’s a blanket thing for sleeping and carries her back to the kitchen, desperate for coffee now, and he realizes he’s going to need to feed her. Okay. Javy wouldn’t have left a baby here without food and he opens the refrigerator and sure enough there’s a few bottles already lined up and he grabs one out, the high-pitched squeal that Brandy lets out a clear agreement that he at least is on the right path.

There’s an electronic bucket type thing beside the coffee machine which makes him think of a mini ice-bucket, it has the same brand logo as the bottle and he wonders if it’s really that simple. Puts the bottle in and presses the button on the front, and it’s definitely doing something, button turning from blue to red. Brandy is almost headbanging in excitement so he again feels like he’s once again picked the right step. While he waits for the button to hopefully change color again and provide a warm bottle he opens his phone again, wonders if he should message Javy and tell him they all made it through the night. Is that something he would do now?

He opens up the photo gallery instead and okay… if he has amnesia then he’ll just wait to get his memories back. Whenever he’s in a photo his smile is so wide it splits his face. His camera roll is filled with photos of Bradshaw and these kids, and a dog, and some people he doesn’t recognize, but then there is Javy and a woman… he zooms in and heads back into the hall to look at the photos on the wall more closely. Phoenix. Natasha Trace. She’s in a lot of the photos as well and he opens up his contacts again, scans through the names. There’s no Phoenix, Trace or Natasha… but there is a Nix and he opens them as he walks back to the kitchen, hoping the bottle is hopefully done because Brandy is getting less patient.

Fortunately it’s clearly designed to be operated by either an idiot or sleep deprived parents and the light is now green and flashing and he swirls it and tries to squirt some in his mouth just to check the temperature, Brandy seems horrified at his actions and makes a high pitched squeal of displeasure, struggling to get to the bottle but he doesn’t want her to get a burnt mouth or anything.

“It’s okay baby girl, I’m not stealing it from you…”

She makes the same displeased squealing noise, hands reaching for the bottle and Jake wonders if he’s meant to hold her, or get a cloth to cover her or something. Ah well. Problem for future Jake. He hands her the bottle and moves into the living room, settles into the corner of an incredibly comfy sofa and she squirms a little until she’s nestled into the crook of his arm, eyes wide and watching him, both hands clasped on the bottle and he doesn’t resist the urge to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

He opens his phone again and navigates back to the messages, looking for Nix and then opening the message history. The messages between them alternate between scathing teasing and then more serious things about the kids, he’s sent her lots of photos and he clearly has a lot to do with these kids. To have the bedroom set up like it is, it looks like a permanent thing, except his messages with both Javy and Phoenix are as recent as yesterday, so nothing has happened to them to explain why their kids are here, with him and Bradshaw.

Fucking hell.

Bradley Bradshaw.

Phoenix he can kind of get his head around in a way, especially if she’s married to Javy. Bradshaw on the other hand, he doesn’t know if they’ve managed to exchange any casual civil words with each other. When flying they simply seem to rub each other the wrong way and when not flying they really rub each other up the wrong way. And yet here he is, apparently married to him and looking after his best friend’s kids. What has become of his life? In another world he’d definitely have made more than one pass at Bradshaw, but he’d never got even the slightest inkling that it would be welcomed, let alone reciprocated.

And yet here he is.

He glances down and startles, Brandy has finished the bottle, is sucking in air and he knows enough that that can’t be good so he takes the bottle from her, which she gratefully allows him to do. Then a dog appears, looks at him and gives a soft whuff before settling on the floor just near him and Jake wonders if the dog is his. He doesn’t want to move, Brandy apparently content to simply lie with him, the dog as well and he’s wondering if he needs to let it out when he hears footsteps approaching and he twists his head.

“You look good like that…” Bradshaw says, and he’s almost upside down, smiling at him softly, like he expects Jake to say something back and he has no idea what it might be.

“Morning…”

“Morning…” Bradshaw replies, giving him a weird little smile like Jake didn’t say quite what he expected. “Thanks for letting me sleep in…”

“You’re, uh, welcome…” Jake says, shifting and standing up because he feels too vulnerable lying on his back on the sofa with Bradshaw sort-of looming over him. Of course, now he’s got an even better view of Bradshaw and he can’t help but look his fill, Bradshaw in nothing but low-hanging sleep pants and looking sleep-tousled. He also looks older, maybe in his mid-forties, but he’s still firm and smooth and Jake wants to lick a stripe over his stomach. Nothing wrong with his sex drive at least.

“And this is why we don’t have kids ourselves. Get your mind out of the gutter Mr Bradshaw, we’ve got kids today and cannot go back to bed…” Bradshaw says, moving close to him and taking Brandy from him and he lets her go, misses the warmth of her tiny body.

“Pity…” he says, and finds he means it, because even if he’s freaking out about this weird waking-dream he’s in, Bradshaw is still a certified snack and Jake wants him. And apparently he took his name when they got married. He’s not surprised he was willing to give up Seresin considering how little he cares for it even now.

“I’m sure you’ll make it up to me tonight. And tomorrow morning if you’re feeling athletic enough.”

“When am I not feeling athletic enough?” Jake asks, because he can’t imagine his personality is that different even if he can’t remember time lapsed.

“Mmm, there’s that fighting spirit. Like it when you feel like you have to prove a point.”

Then Bradshaw is kissing him, his fingers sneaking under his shirt to stroke Jake’s bare skin and he feels his entire body erupt in goosebumps, suddenly hyperaware, every little hair on his body standing on end and seemingly aching for attention. He’s not used to this, not used to someone who just touches him and moves him like they know exactly what to do and god it feels both terrifying and exhilarating.

“Come on, we better get breakfast going for trouble one and trouble two…”

“Yeah, course,” Jake agrees, because he’s the one out of time and place and he’s going to need to figure out a way to break that news to Bradshaw and a little more time sounds good. Regarding breakfast though, fortunately Bradshaw seems to be the one that makes it, but he watches carefully which cupboards and drawers have what items, his mind racing trying to figure out whether he’s suddenly going to remember everything in a rush, or have it trickle through.

“Morning uncle Jay…”

“Morning,” Jake replies, knows the greeting is for him because he’s also getting a hug to his side and he likes being called Uncle Jay, wants to hear it all the time. God, no wonder these kids have a bedroom here if he’s already this much in love with them all. Best case of amnesia ever. He needs to figure out how to let Bradshaw know about that too, not to freak him out, but just to let him know, because he should probably get checked out even if he does feel fine physically. The fact he’s missing a chunk of time isn’t normal. Of course, there is the chance that he’s still dreaming, but his dreams have never seemed real like this.

Or as domestic.

Or as detailed.

The dog makes another quiet whuff and he can hear the front door opening, but it’s clearly someone with a key and he has to stop himself from freaking out that he’s going to have another person he doesn’t know enter his new reality.

“You two wearing pants?” a woman’s voice calls out and Jake catches Bradshaw’s eye roll.

“Jesus Amelia, of course we’re wearing pants, the kids are here!”

“Well, I have to ask.”

“It was one time, and you didn’t knock…”

“And I’m still getting therapy for it,” a woman apparently called Amelia says, pulling a face and Jake doesn’t know whether to smile or say something or… okay, he’s being hugged in greeting and he hugs back, swallows back the automatic nice to meet you because he clearly knows her already, even if he has no fucking clue who she is. She’s definitely younger than him and Bradshaw though.

“Aunty Amelia!” Alleisha says, and Jake feels a spark of jealousy at the joy and excitement in her voice, directed at someone else, and then reminds himself the love and affection are not a finite resource as he watches Amelia hug Alleisha, then James and then slaps Bradshaw on the ass, making him squawk. She just laughs and takes Brandy from Bradshaw, and the baby just goes happily. Jake is so confused.

The dog paws at him and whines, and he glances down and pats her; she’s definitely his, with the way she’s hovering near his side. Bradshaw is looking at him with a raised eyebrow though when he looks up from paying her attention, but goes back to setting out bowls and glasses of water, cuts up fruit and slides another cup of coffee across to him with a soft smile. Jake smiles back, wonders when he might get a moment alone with him. His phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out.

Best Person Ever>> Stop staring at his ass. You’ve been home for two weeks. Honeymoon period should be over.

He glances up and Amelia is smirking at him, and he doesn’t know where she fits into all of this, who she is to them, other than someone he has in his phone as Best Person Ever and judging from her smirk he wouldn’t put it past her to have changed that herself. He shoves his phone back in his pocket. If he’s been home for two weeks then he’s probably been deployed, which means he’s still in the Navy. That settles some of the uneasiness in his gut, not everything in his world is that different then. And this is what he comes home to. That’s pretty fucking cool.

They eat, Brandy being placed in a highchair that materializes from the laundry and she’s given some slices of banana to mash up, which is gross and horrifying to watch. The expression on his face must be amusing, because both Alleisha and James are giggling at him, and even Bradshaw is hiding a grin, but he gets up and brushes a soft kiss on his forehead, murmurs something about every time and he wants to know what the hell he means. Amelia is also eating breakfast, making herself at home and wiping at James’ face and even though he has no idea who she is it doesn’t feel wrong that she’s here and part of their domesticity.

“Right, I’m taking Lady Alleisha and Knight James to their swimming lessons. I’ll be back after we’ve visited the library… We might also swing by a playground on our way back.”

Bradshaw is nodding like this is the standard routine and Jake just smiles, because the kids are happy and excited and now he has his opportunity to talk to Bradshaw. Tell him that he’s not… well. Can’t remember anything.

Yeah.

This is going to be awkward as fuck.

CHAPTER TWO

#To Wake perchance to Dream #Hangster #Sereshaw #Top Gun maverick fanfiction

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rad-roche · 9 months

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do you have any mod recommendations? other than romanceable nick lol

exposing my mod list is a real 'please don't tell anyone how i live' moment because it, top to bottom, is all just pretty little outfits for gloria, furniture, or very small changes to nick that i like. gameplay? story additions? those sound interesting, i wonder what those are like. my toxic video game trait, consistent across absolutely everything, is i can play a 5fps mess if it means i get to snap pretty pictures

now of those categories...

SAD WOMAN DRESSUP GAME FEATURING AN RPG OR WHATEVER:

Caliente's Beautiful Bodies: you know it you love it, and there's a nevernude option should you desire. i always forget what i have installed, so i made sure to get the nude one so i could nod appreciatively when a modded outfit failed to load. it's my present to me. got rained on? had an argument? never fear. glussy is here.

Apocalypse Attire

Commonwealth Cuts

Dave's Poses

Looksmenu

Mirrored Vanilla Scars

Eyes of Beauty

Photo Mode (even if you have absolutely no interest in the cc stuff, this thing is a godsend if you ever want to take screenshots)

Cigarette In Mouth

Handmaiden - the outfit in that picture. comes in other colours, too!

Concealed Armors

HOUSE FLIPPER: IS IT STILL MIDMOD IF IT'S THE FUTURE

Creative Family mods. you can't install these like you would the rest, so pay close attention to the instructions, but the quality on these is unmatched. creative clutter, do it yourshelf, modular kitchen, they're all really, really good if you like decorating player homes.

Building Budget Extender

Dino's Decorations

Global Stash

Just Some Rugs

MadKea (this thing adds 500+ items so if your computer has a hard time with fo4, give this one a skip unless you don't mind waiting an age for menus to load)

PlaceEverywhere

Reversed Workshop Highlight (gets rid of that annoying green glow! godsend!)

Workshop Plus (completely reworks workshop; lets you clone items, save layouts to layers, float around buildable spaces, undo/redo. it's hard to overemphasise the usefulness of this if you plan to build)

SO THERE'S THIS SENIOR CITIZEN

Companion Accuracy Boost

Companions Go Home

Alternative Synth Eyes

Nick Valentine Robot Voice (it makes nick sound as if he's talking through a speaker. it's subtle, but i really dig it)

Valentine's Revolver

Valentine Jaw Sync

Settler and Companion Dialogue Overhaul (makes npcs seem more 'aware' and much less likely to make repetitive comments)

Delay Nick's Quest (only allows Long Time Coming to trigger after you complete Gilded Grasshopper; a lot of his location-based dialogue remains open instead of him defaulting to brooding about the tapes and that long, hard quest)

I'll respect your wishes and not mentioned critically acclaimed Fallout 4 mod Romancable Nick Valentine, which can be found here. I will, instead, mention this adorable one where you can marry him, which I assume is keeping in the spirit of you specifically asking me not to mention them. Now go forth and play your wildly overambitious otome game

#fallout #fallout 4 #fo4 #gloria roche #nick valentine #please don't tell anyone how i live

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elkian · 1 year

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Oh yeah since it’s Homestuck Day here’s a post I’ve been sitting on for a bit.

Davesprite’s tragedy is even deeper than is immediately obvious.

The scale, time-wise, of the base game - the Alpha Timeline - is something of a joke. It pokes fun, I think, at the concept of Webcomic Time - that an event taking place over dozens of pages over the course of months is, in-canon, only taking place across a day or two.

But Davesprite. Oh, Davesprite.

Dave-the-sprite came from a timeline 4 months (chrono) past Day 1. He’d been hopping enough for it to come out to maybe 1 year for him. He’s very lanky in the animation, and when Rose’s dreamself merges with her Alpha self, the sprites are very slightly different sizes. Future Mutie is visibly older.

But then The Alpha Timeline? The Course Of The Game?

One. Day.

What an absolute whiplash, you guys. He’s been grinding and prepping and mentally readying himself and fucking grieving for his pretty much only friends for nearly a year. Remember how Dragon Ball Z had the Hyper time chamber and it was mentioned that it’s hard to use alone? Because being in there on your lonesome, that’s tough. That’s Dave. He had Rose, who was also grieving and having her own crises that he may or may not have been equipped to help her through at all, and he’s doing all this.

And in like, maybe 12 hours, it’s suddenly all over.

And then he finds out it’s gonna be another three years, but hey, this time he has Jade and John, the people he missed so desperately that he was willing to give up being The Real Dave, a real human, for.

And to them? He’s an extra.

He’s Bonus Dave. He’s Davesprite. He’s Basically Dave, (almost) As Good As The Real Thing!

Like, it’s very hard for me to articulate, but the way that both of them refer to him during the course of their cruise is... dehumanizing, in differing ways.

John calls him Dave, because He’s Basically Dave. (This is after John asked him to let The Real Dave in on their convo, recall). He doesn’t need to be treated any different, because he’s indistinguishable from The Real Dave, Pretty Much!

Jade isn’t as bad - possibly her stint as+fusion with Jadesprite helped - but the way Grimbark Jade loses her temper with Dave post-jump is... telling. She blames a boy she hasn’t spoken with in 3 years for something that a person who is not actually him did.

And he just! Fucking gets forgotten! I know Davepeta feels like an asspull to many readers, but honestly, it’s probably the best thing to happen to Davesprite since his John bit it. Like, was he the one from John’s timeline, or did he not die when the rebooted planet blew up or what? I’ve never understood that.

At least as Davepeta they have multiple people who are genuinely glad to be around them. At least Equius cares about one half and AR doesn’t not-care about the other and they’ve basically got a bestie in Arquiusprite! Getting fused with a reanimated alien catgirl in an alternate timeline(????) was probably the best thing to happen to Dave for a long, long time.

And I’m not even done!

Let’s talk Terezi.

Once we get through Act 5 and the trolls connect with the humans, we get a whole Fairy Godtroll situation that’s kinda cute. John gets Karkat and Vriska in his ear, Jade gets Tavros and Feferi and Kanaya and Karkat (Jade gets a lot of new people, doesn’t she?), Rose still has her Kanaya convos.

And Dave.

Gets.

Terezi.

They’re a great duo, very fun to watch - even with Vriska and Terezi’s weird rivalry shenanigans getting tangled up in it from time to time. As far as he knows, she’s just a bit of an internet weirdo who’s fun enough to hang out with.

As far as Alpha Dave knows, that is.

Davesprite came back, remember, to fix the timeline after Terezi got his John killed. Dave comes back, and argues with his John - that’s the first thing he gets to say to his best friend, one of his only friends, after a year of grieving in a dead, lonely session with only Rose for company. If he loses the fight, John dies.

After some effort, he gets his dumbass (beloved) pal to stop doing the stupid thing, then gives up his humanity (his existence as a core player, his role, his autonomy) and jumps into the sprite. Calsprite was a void of dead-eyed laughter and horror, so he wants to give the kids the best shot they can get, and having a non-cagey sprite on their side is a huge boost.

And Dave, Alpha Dave?

He ignores this.

He takes Terezi’s advice, over and over. Davesprite gives him the medallion, and we never see it used (we never see any sprite medallion used, as far as I can recall). Davesprite has to actively contact his player (his luckier, prime, Alpha self) and make him accept help, like guarding his body in his sleep. Meanwhile, Alpha Dave is getting codec support from the person who killed John, precipitating Davesprite’s entire existence in the narrative.

With the way the comic is structured, it’s really easy to blip over this, but this is what’s happening. Davesprite’s POV must be a goddamn horror movie, complete with futile shouting at the protagonists to stop going into the scary tunnels and following the advice of people who are blatantly out to hurt them. No fucking wonder he eventually fucked off the find Bro, who despite being an abusive piece of shit (did Davesprite ever get the chance to work that one out for himself?), is at least a constant. He’s the sole tie to the life this Dave left behind. Damn. And Dave doesn’t even come looking for him after he “dies”! If Davesprite didn’t vandalize that poster, would Alpha Dave have even known he was alive?

....fuck, is that why he keeps pasting orange text onto things? And provoking John into anger? Is he just doing his damnedest to keep from being trivialized and forgotten?

In the story, in the grand scheme of things, Davesprite is key to keep John from getting killed, and past that?

He has no purpose.

There’s no point to his existence.

His player seeks neither his advice nor his protection. His friends consider him part of the game they’re playing, rather than (an iteration of) their friend. The trolls mock him by doing nothing he can stop or really argue against. His rage has nowhere to go, so he has no rage.

No wonder he chases after Bro. No wonder he chills with Jadesprite. No wonder, no wonder. What a mess. What a disaster. He spends three years on the damn ship and as soon as the groups meet up, Jade begins projecting the time he spent with her on a guy she hasn’t seen since she was 13! And Alpha Dave just says “well, he’s bird me” and accepts this, except when he might get blamed for something he didn’t actually do!

God.

#April 13th 2023 #elk text #davesprite #meta #homestuck #13th #April #2023

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weirdmageddon · 8 months

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this is the perfect example for me to ask some questions i have about homestuck’s time travel: are actions like these necessary for the alpha timeline?

how finely does paradox space slice conditions for creating doomed timelines if they don’t conform EXACTLY to the alpha timeline?

is it the case that dave doesn’t necessarily need to be warm to make everything go as it should and it’s okay that he did this because he just wants to be comfortable? or does he actually need to suddenly become warm for the alpha timeline in order to not create a doomed timeline? lemme expand on this

to recap definitions, doomed timelines are created when something “inevitable” doesn't happen. if you change the past after knowing what you know in the future, you can easily create a doomed timeline. if you see someone die in the future in the alpha timeline and go to the past to warn them so that they avoid dying, you just created a doomed timeline since that person was supposed to die. that’s why when dave saw his future self get shot he didn’t tell jade her bullets would kill him when they fought jack since that’s how it had to go. it can happen in reverse too: when someone who dies isn’t supposed to. john was never supposed to go to the seventh gate and get his ass blown up by his denizen which happened due to terezi’s meddling, which created a doomed timeline that alternate future dave/davesprite was from. he went back in time to become davesprite and tell john to not fucking do that, which allows them to continue with the alpha timeline.

dave says they’re like “private hours for himself while everyone else is stuck in the thick of the alpha”. but this makes it sound like dave is escaping from the alpha timeline for a while which isn’t true. because the moment dave goes off to get warm, his hour-into-the-future self goes back and contacts jade. during this hour of dave getting warm he probably watches the alpha timeline around him for everything else that’s gotta go down within that time. on the alpha timeline’s time i mean. dave has to relive sections of the alpha timeline multiple times because of his time travel. the alpha timeline is set in stone. it is immovable and unchangeable and everything that deviates from it is doomed. it is what it is. that’s why the trolls can look at the entire alpha timeline of the kids’ universe (and they help make it go the way it was always supposed to, or at least the platonic ideal of it, whether they knew it or not)

what i’m asking is how finely does paradox space apply these rules of conforming to the alpha timeline?

as an example to showcase these rules when applied rigidly, let’s say here dave was never destined to become warm in the alpha timeline. say his body temperature is 96°F in the alpha timeline. if he’s uncomfortable being cold, gets himself warm, and goes back with the past where he left off, he’d create a doomed timeline all because his body temperature was higher than it’s supposed to be than in the set-in-stone alpha timeline. even though being cold or warm shouldn’t change what dave is able to accomplish, he just wanted to be comfortable while doing so.

i’m just wondering if it was inevitable that dave would have to get warm to prevent a doomed timeline and thats why he time traveled? or if it’s the case that paradox space allows for more freedoms from these minutiae and he can do that so long as it doesn’t affect the events that happen or create a butterfly effect?

from the alpha timeline’s linear perspective (which jade here follows) things just seem to happen that are a bit unreasonable without some invisible forces at play. technically, if you had a moment-to-moment graph of dave’s body temperature and tracked it across the alpha timeline linearly (the alpha timeline, not dave’s personal chronological timeline which is much longer) in this moment it would jump from cold to warm literally instantly and spontaneously which is impossible to have happen normally. that violates some law of physics if time travel isn’t used. so doesn’t this lock dave into needing to take an hour for himself in the first place to get warm and then go back? or is paradox space just like meh whatever

or actually, here’s another example to demonstrate what im saying, probably even a better one: say that while doing some scouting, dave sees his future self (relative to him on his own personal chronological timeline) walking at a certain pace. once dave becomes that dave he saw earlier, does walking even slightly out of sync with how he saw himself create a doomed timeline, even if he goes to the same place and accomplishes the same things? that seems like an impossible standard but if he becomes that future dave that he saw in the past, doesn’t that necessary mean minor things such as that must be the same? it’s a bit of a mindfuck to think about. but at the same time it’s sort of silly that merely involuntarily blinking at a certain time that deviates from what your eyes are supposed do to at the equivalent moment on the alpha can create a doomed timeline

how fine do you think the boundary is between doomed timelines and the alpha timeline? how much wiggle room are things given to not conform exactly to the platonic idea of the alpha timeline? what are your thoughts? i think it’s a neat thing to discuss

i feel like some of this might go back to thinking of the reality in homestuck as working in terms of the concepts involved in platonic realism

#hs #homestuck #homestuck meta

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knickynoo · 3 months

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what do you think alternate 1985 Marty was like?

Ok, so, I LOVE thinking about 1985A Marty!! We see him for a bit in the "Biff to the Future" comics, but I've mentioned before that I feel like they sort of dropped the ball there. There was so much they could have done with Alt '85 Marty, and they honestly didn't do much. He was just...Marty. And while I like the idea that a lot of who Marty is remains the same no matter the timeline, I have a hard time believing such an awful upbringing wouldn't impact him in some way. Some thoughts!

• I do think there would be that element of "Marty is Marty," even with growing up in '85A. At his core, Marty is kind. He's protective of his loved ones, strives to do the right thing, and puts others first. I don't think that would change.

• However, I see '85A Marty maybe having to hide those characteristics under a bit of a hardened shell. This is out of necessity and a result of being exposed to a lot of horrible things from a young age. He was so little when George died, so likely all he remembers is a world where Biff is his step-father, his mother is miserable, and violence is a daily occurrence. That good heart is still there, but Marty figures out pretty quickly that he's got to keep it under wraps a bit if he's going to survive.

• It's interesting because while our Movie!Marty is a fairly anxious little guy, I don't see '85A Marty as really having any significantly higher anxiety levels. I mean, you would think he'd be a barely functioning anxious mess, but I actually think all the pressure and stress and fear would force him into a state of "I can't waste TIME worrying." He becomes a very take-charge person. Focused on whatever situation is currently taking priority while the anxiety takes a back seat.

• As Alt Biff says in part II, Marty is absolutely a "little hothead." He tries to be careful, and he's able to tread lightly when needed, but it's just not possible in certain situations. Mainly, these are situations involving his mother's safety and well-being. If she's being threatened or hurt, he just does what's needed to help, even if it means he's going to pay for it after.

• Though Lorraine does her very best to protect and care for Marty, there are times she simply can't. And when it gets to be too much and she's lost in the sadness and alcohol, Marty steps in to be there for her. In a way, he learns how to act as a parent of sorts from a young age, guiding and taking care of his mom when she needs it. With Dave and Linda's own issues (and the fact that they're rarely around), he's often all Lorraine has.

• The moment Marty was shipped off to his first boarding school, he started acting out and doing whatever he could to get himself kicked out. He knew it was Biff's way of getting rid of him—taking away Lorraine's main source of protection—and wasted no time in sabotaging the plan. In some ways, it was hard for Marty because he really had to do some bad stuff (and it tugged solidly at his conscience) but he had no choice. He had to get back to his mother. So, every time Biff sent him somewhere new, Marty immediately got to work making himself a Nightmare Student. He gets very good at causing trouble. I think he also forms alliances with other students who become aware of his situation and help him to get kicked out as well.

• So. I have this hc that just popped into my brain where Biff actually tries to like...mold Marty into taking after him when Marty is little? Because Marty is so young and impressionable when George dies and Biff enters the picture, I can see Biff being like, "Maybe I can get the kid on my side." And it's not even that he likes or cares about Marty, he just sees someone he can turn into an heir of his twisted empire. Even have it be a slap in the face to George's memory to have his youngest son turn into a mini Biff Tannen. But Marty is stubborn, loyal, and sees right through Biff, so he resists every act Biff tries to put on to impress him. In turn, this makes Biff hate Marty even more in the long run.

• In the comics, there's a secret resistance group that keeps trying to find ways to take Biff down. George and Doc were both part of it, and I like to imagine that Marty gets involved in some way as well. He's a source of valuable information since he lives with Biff, and I think Marty also does a whole lot of sneaking around to keep up to date on what Biff is up to. He doesn't tell Lorraine about his involvement, though, because he doesn't want to put her in danger if Biff grows suspicious, but Lorraine definitely knows. She just turns the other way and silently prays nothing bad will happen.

• Marty has a tough time in terms of how the citizens of Hill Valley see him. He's disliked by a lot of people automatically because he's Biff's stepson, and they're wary of him. They don't know if he can be trusted. Others simply assume he's a spoiled brat living a cushy life with a rich family and resent him for having it so good while the rest of the town crumbles. So, he has very few friends.

I'm sure I could go on, but I'll stop there. I'd like to write a fic someday that focuses on 1985A Marty because he really does fascinate me. Thanks for the ask!

#asks #back to the future #bttf #marty mcfly

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little-miss-impersonator · 1 year

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《 Lilith Redesign 》

While I liked my Beta design for Lilith, I felt like she looked too much like Alt!Gabriel so I went ahead and re-designed her so now she looks more like an alternate/demon rather than a copycat of Alt!Gabriel 😭😩

I also did some other small miscellaneous doodles of the Intruder, a random alternate, Eden about ready to be SNATCHED, Lilith being fed up with her disguised husband, and Dave, Adam, and Jonah appreciating big women LMAOOO 😂

I can't wait to do more doodles of her in the future! UoU

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stratossphere · 1 year

Text

tequila sunrises | j.k

johnny and tequila don’t mix well.

warnings: overall horribly drunken behavior, fluff

word count: 3.6k

— —

Liquor was one hell of a drug. It sounded funny, because most people would’ve argued that liquor was the safest alternative when it came to booze and narcotics combined, but most people hadn’t seen Johnny Knoxville after nine tequila sunrises.

You were partying after what had felt like years of doing press that none of you wanted to do, and with the promise of a free weekend without a single occupational obligation, everyone was going hard.

The bar you were all holed up in for the night was turning into a complete free-for-all. Chairs had been turned on their sides, Steve-O and Ryan had already been in two fist fights with Dave (turned Darf) joining in on the second, and everyone was so wasted that it was like talking to completely new people every time you interacted with the friends that you had arrived with.

However, there was one person who was acting just like he always did; just adding enough tequila to kill a small child into the mix to spice things up a little bit. Johnny had drifted from your side as the night had gone on, which was probably how he had managed to down nine drinks loaded to the brim with tequila without being cut off, and you had actually lost sight of him in favor of talking to Jeff.

“—which is like, the main reason why you shouldn’t have kids. I will literally go over to the Safeway across the street and get you a box of condoms if it means you won’t get Laura pregnant.” You were drunkenly relenting to him after he had offhandedly admitted that he and his girlfriend Laura had been thinking of having kids. You weren’t sure why your drunk brain was so against the idea, but your mouth was only as coherent as your brain, so you’d been on the topic for the past ten minutes.

“I feel like I should be recording this to play back to your happy accidents someday in the future.” Jeff snickered, finishing off the last of his beer and then glancing around behind you. Suddenly, you watched as his eyes stopped and his jaw dropped slightly. “Uh, have you checked on PJ lately?”

“Fuck.” You sighed, knowing by the look on his face that Johnny was doing something that you weren’t going to like. You saw that look a lot in bars where Johnny’s tab was on Paramount. You took a deep breath before you requested what exactly that something was. “What’s he doing?”

“He’s teabagging Bam’s forehead.” That had not even been close to what you had been expecting to hear, and you choked on the drag of your cigarette you had just inhaled when he spoke. You then immediately whipped around in your seat, and true to Jeff’s observations, Ryan was holding Bam down on a table of one of the booths behind you while Johnny literally stood over him with both dick and balls in hand.

“Oh my fucking god.” You shot out of your seat, ignoring Jeff’s cackling as you bolted across the space between you and the booth of debauchery. Johnny and Ryan were laughing too hard to be paying any attention to anything other than the ‘task’ at hand, but Bam’s eyes immediately sought yours in a desperate plea for help once he spotted you.

“Get them the fuck away from me!” He screamed, wriggling aggressively in Ryan’s iron grip as he tried to get away from Johnny. Jeff saying that Johnny was teabagging Bam wasn’t exactly accurate, because that would’ve implied that he was actually successful. In reality, he was so drunk that he couldn’t stand still enough to even get near Bam’s face, and every other second he was just managing to catch himself before he toppled right over.

Once Bam had called out to you, however, both of his attackers’ attention was immediately drawn in your direction, and Johnny’s eyes met yours about a millisecond before you were forcibly pulling him away from Bam by the back of his shirt.

“What the hell are you doing?” You snapped, giving him a glare that stopped his giggling in its tracks. It was bad enough that he was trying to teabag his friend (honestly, you had seen much worse, and really weren’t all that surprised), but you were in a crowded bar. With potential indecent exposure charges just waiting to stick themselves to the first person of the Jackass crew to whip out their dick for the night. You were drunk, but nowhere near enough to excuse public exposure.

“Uh…” Johnny smiled sheepishly when he trailed off, seemingly frozen in place where you had pulled him away from Bam and Ryan (who were now shoving and hitting each other in retaliation for Ryan’s actions against Bam). When you raised an expectant eyebrow, his sheepish smile turned into a wolfish grin. “Giving the people what they want!”

“Put it away. Now.” You warned, using your hand on his shoulder to angle him away from the rest of the bar so that no one else besides you was getting a clear-shot view of his dick. He groaned like a teenager who’d just been asked to clean his room, moving like he was going to try and get away from you. Your grip on his arm solidified. “PJ. You do it or I’m going to.”

“You can.” You hadn’t even realized how stupid that suggestion had been until he immediately jumped at the opportunity, a suggestive look on his face as he did so. But, nevertheless, you did exactly that, forced to let him lean his entire body against you so that he would stand still enough to let you get his zipper done up. Once you were successful and he was once more fully clothed, you took your cigarette out of your mouth and crossed your arms as you stared at him.

“I can’t fucking believe you. You can’t just walk around with your dick out in a crowded bar!” You lectured, noticing the way his expression stayed completely the same despite the fact that you were scolding him. His eyes had been trained blankly at the wall, but soon you watched them slowly drag from the top of your head all the way down to your feet, lingering on the low-cut collar of your shirt for a lot longer than what could be considered inconspicuous.

“Can you touch me again? Like in the bathroom or something?” His voice was so airy as he begged, you were almost surprised that it had come from the man standing in front of you. You deadpanned, because he was clearly trashed way beyond being a sensible, coherent human being, before pointing to an empty table. You couldn’t hold him on his feet forever.

“No. You’re too drunk.” You said as you coaxed him into sitting down, wincing at how hard he squeezed your hand when he grabbed it to give himself some support. He whined at your refusal, dropping his head down onto the table dramatically and still not letting go of your hand.

“But baby. I need you.” He protested, lifting his head just enough to look at you with a hopeful spark in his eyes. He was clearly just jonesing for your attention, and looked a little hurt when you pulled away to sit on the opposite side of the table from him.

“You just had your dick on my friend’s face. I’m not touching it.” You said with finality, almost breaking your glare when you felt him rubbing his foot on the inside of your thigh. Johnny Knoxville: actor, producer, and stuntman, everyone.

“It was just a little bit of my balls. He was being overdramatic.” Johnny whined, his voice slurred and just a little high-pitched as he clearly tried to convince you to go jack him off in the bathroom. Or right there in the booth, considering how bold his foot was getting on your thigh. Usually that was your move.

“Babe. Look at me.” You drew his attention before leaning out and tipping his chin up towards you with your thumb and index finger, forcing his complete focus onto you. “No.”

“But I’m really hard now!” If you hadn’t been looking directly at his face, you would’ve thought he was crying. He sounded so broken-hearted that it almost made you feel bad for him. Almost.

“How can you still get hard after drinking so much?” You sighed, a small frown pulling on your face as he attempted to reach out and steal your cigarette from you. He had a habit of dropping them when he was drunk. “PJ. Nuh uh.”

“Ugh.” He rolled his eyes dramatically, as if you were being an asshole by keeping him from being a complete nuisance. As you tried not to laugh at his insolence, his eyes then sparked with an idea. “Can I sit in your lap instead?”

6’1, lanky Johnny Knoxville curled up in your lap in a bar booth seat. Sure, he’d actually done that many times before, but you were in a cramped space, and he was a messy drunk. You were already picturing him leaning back a bit too far and then falling right out of the booth while taking you right down with him.

“We’re in a bar.” You reasoned, motioning around as if he wasn’t aware of his surroundings. With the amount of alcohol he’d clearly consumed in such a short period of time, you actually wouldn’t have been surprised if he wasn’t. He shrugged like that made no difference to him, and you sighed. “Fine. You can sit on this side with me.”

“Yes!” He cheered like getting to sit in a grimy booth seat with you was the greatest gift he could’ve ever been given. You laughed and rolled your eyes as he dragged himself out of his side of the booth slowly, taking a second to let his bearings come back to him. “You’re such a sweetheart, you know that?”

“Keep your voice down. Someone’ll find out.” You teased, feeling a little bit of satisfaction run through you as he giggled at your stupid joke like a little girl. If you ever needed a pick-me-up, all you had to do was start telling even the lamest of jokes to a drunk Johnny Knoxville.

“I love you so much.” Once he was on his feet and had made it around to your side, Johnny practically fell in on top of you, ending up basically in your lap anyways with his arm thrown out haphazardly around you as he almost burned himself on your cigarette. Your back hit the wall at the end of the booth with the impact of his weight, and you groaned.

“Honey. Be gentle.” You complained, trying to stop him from rolling around too much in your lap. He settled slightly at your words, finding a final resting place with his head on your chest and his body draped over your legs.

“You smell so good.” He mumbled after a second, taking in a deep breath after he spoke to inhale the scent of your perfume. You laughed a little bit, glancing up momentarily and then noticing that Ryan and Bam were coming towards you. Not a smart idea considering what Johnny and them had just been doing, but to each their own.

“We are in a public bar. Can you not fornicate in the booths?” Bam drawled as he came within earshot, a deep frown settling on his face as he looked at you and Johnny. You smiled sourly, not even having to open your mouth to invite them into the other side of the booth before they were sliding in on their own.

“I think he’s had like, half a bottle of tequila.” You explained, shrugging it off and then raising your eyebrows expectantly. “Did you get tired of beating each other up?”

“Yes. We came to inform you that Jeff accidentally put his card down instead of the Paramount card, so he’s throwing a bitch fit at the bar. In case you’re interested.” Ryan announced, jabbing a finger back towards said bar where you could vaguely make out Jeff yelling at one of the bartenders. You motioned down to Johnny.

“I’m a little wrapped up.” Quite literally. You had a feeling that your ‘never-ending’ night of partying was going to have to be cut short soon before Johnny completely slipped into a liquor-induced coma. “Now would be your chance to teabag back.”

“Yeah, like I’m putting my balls anywhere near him.” Bam scoffed, shaking his head while Ryan shared an amused look with me. “Do you think I’m fucking crazy? He’s got a stun-gun in his back pocket.”

Upon checking, Johnny did in fact have a stun-gun in the back pocket of his Dickies. He was too drunk to even notice you pulling it out, and you gave Bam a ‘now stop complaining’ look as you dropped it down on the table in front of him before taking another drag off your cigarette.

“I don’t know if I should be giving that to you considering you’ve been drinking, but whatever.” You snickered, talking over Johnny’s sleepy groan at being touched. He wrapped his arms around you tighter then, and you let out a small exhale when he basically squeezed the air right out of you. Jesus Christ, he was strong.

“Sweet! I wonder if you can electrocute someone through their beer bottle.” Ryan immediately snatched the stun-gun off the table before Bam could even make a move for it, and you silently regretted your decision. Alcohol and weapons had never been a good mix, but with the Jackass crew, it was kind of a given.

A shoving match ensued between Bam and Ryan over the gun, which resulted in the table being jostled, pulling an irritated sigh out of you. You loved your friends (and boyfriend) to death, but sometimes they were a huge fucking handful. It was hard to believe that they were all truly adults with fully-formed brains. It just didn’t seem real.

“Hey, Y/n, I’ll give you fifty bucks to let me taze you.” Ryan still had the gun, and was now looking at you with a wickedly eager look plastered on his face. You rolled your eyes at him, jabbing a finger towards the rest of the bar.

“You’d have to pay me a lot more than that. I bet Steve-O’ll do it for 25.” You pointed out, knowing that he’d actually probably do it for 10. If you wanted painful entertainment, he was definitely your guy. Bam made a face.

“Dude, you gotta take him home. Or like, give him a bump or something.” He said, pointing towards Johnny with a slightly unnerved tone in his voice. You glanced down at your boyfriend, only to see that his eyes were closed and his head had moved to dangle off of your side with his mouth wide open. You sighed, sharing a ‘can you fucking believe this?’ look with Ryan as you gently nudged Johnny.

“PJ, honey. Get up so we can call a cab back to the house.” You prompted, ignoring his groan of protest when you woke him out of what was a clear attempt at being done with his night. When he didn’t budge, even after you shoved him lightly, you gritted your teeth in frustration before putting your cigarette out in an empty pint glass and nudging him with your knee. “Philip John Clapp. Let’s go.”

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Johnny snapped, looking deeply offended that you’d just called him by his full, legal name as his eyes finally snapped open at your prompting. Bam and Ryan were both snickering as he fought his way out of the booth after you had coerced him into doing so, stumbling a little bit when he stood and then grabbing your shoulder harshly to hold himself up. “Fucking ridiculous. We just got here.”

“We’ve been here for like, six hours, dude.” Bam laughed, watching you struggle to wrangle Johnny in as he did absolutely nothing to help you. Fucking typical. Johnny just brushed him off, shooting a consistent dirty look at both him and Ryan as you finally got him fully out of the booth and away from the table.

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, or if you can’t make it back to your hotel room and you just want to come back to our place.” You said breathlessly to your two friends, blowing them both a kiss and then promptly alost getting pulled down by your trashed boyfriend, who was basically crawling all over you. They both called out their half-assed goodbyes, probably more focused on getting even drunker now that there was the option to come back to Johnny’s house than actually seeing the two of you off.

“We’re gonna snuggle when we get back, right?” Johnny asked as soon as they were out of earshot, head basically resting on top of yours as he spoke in his high-pitched, whiny voice. You were waving your goodbyes to everyone else in the bar at the same time as you walked, and you could see everyone’s amused looks at Johnny’s state as you dragged him along after you. You sighed, a hint of a grin on your face.

“Sure, baby. If you make it that far.” You agreed, wincing when he took your hand and squeezed tightly. You were trying to enjoy your time while you could, because you knew the only thing worse than black-out-drunk Johnny was hungover Johnny, but he wasn’t exactly making it easy. “PJ. You have legs.”

“Don’t even need ‘em.” Johnny slurred through a snicker whilst continuing to drag his feet, leaning back lazily and giving you a proud grin as he looked down at where you were basically holding him up. “You’re so fucking strong.”

“Thanks.” You grumbled, finally making it out to the sidewalk outside of the bar and sighing in relief. The least you could do was take a couple minute break before you hailed a cab and had to deal with getting him inside on top of everything else. “Sit down for a little bit.”

“You gonna sit in my lap?” Oh, how the tables turn. He collapsed right down onto his ass before you could even answer, one arm catching the belt loop of your jeans and yanking you down along with him. You had consumed considerably less alcohol than him, but you were still drunk, so it didn’t take much for you to go right down with him.

“Ow, you fucking asshole. Warn me.” You complained as you felt his belt buckle stab right into your lower back, one arm shooting out behind you to grab his shoulder so that you didn’t go tumbling over to the side. He just wrapped his arms around you and squeezed hard enough to make you wince. Again.

“Shh.” He cooed, tucking his chin onto your shoulder before pressing a kiss to your cheek. “Don’t be such a pouter.”

“I’m gonna tell you that when you yell at me for talking to you when you’re throwing up tomorrow morning.” You pointed out dryly, giggling when his scruff tickled your neck as he continued to press kisses to your skin.

“Aw, don’t be like that. I’ll be a good girl tomorrow. Promise.” He crooned sleepily, finally ceasing his kissing attack to rest his head heavily on your shoulder.

“Oh, yeah. I’m sure.” You snorted, letting him lace his fingers with yours once more and feeling relief when he only held your hand gently. “Guess what. Jeff wants to have a baby.”

“Tremaine makin’ babies!” Johnny guffawed at the idea right in your ear, leaning back slightly as he laughed his ass off. Once he finished his giggling session, his head was immediately back on your shoulder. “You and I should practice makin’ some babies.”

“Can you wait until we’re not sitting on the street, you psycho?”

#johnny knoxville #johnny knoxville x reader #johnny knoxville fic #jackass #jackass mtv #jackass imagine #jackass movie #jeff tremaine #i kinda hate this one but oh well

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