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resslawx · 4 years

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Since I‘m on my way to vacation right now - and stuck in a train for some hours - I thought I‘d post part 2 of the keenler oneshot now. Thanks a lot for all the kind messages! :D

Again, I‘m sorry for any mistakes.

[Keenler oneshot pt. 2] - pt. 1:

Some minutes later the agents quietly left the room. When the door was closed behind them, Liz let out a relieved sigh. “Thank you so much.. Honestly, I don’t know how long it would’ve taken me to get her back to sleep if it wasn’t for you.”

“Nah, c’mon. In time, you would’ve gotten the idea yourself. Or another.” Ressler answered, shrugging his shoulders.

“Maybe sometime, yes. But this isn’t just about your idea with the cave and you know that.” She took some steps towards him, looking directly into his eyes. “You matter a great deal to Agnes, she relies a lot on you. Her getting calm once you’ve had picked her up proved that once more. No one else would’ve been able to have such an influence on her as you did.”

Now it was his turn to be glad - again. Feeling needed when it came to these two was something that always lightened up his mood, no matter how bad life was.

“Looks like I’m not only your tiny island of calm, huh?”

“It’s the genetics” Liz grinned, but it didn’t last long. Donald Resslers damn smile made her knees wobbly. Besides, that smile was hidden so often - behind his serious work attitude, his grumpy mood when Reddington got on his nerves - especially when he exposed him in front of everyone - or the feeling he never wanted to admit, but Liz know he felt way too often. They both did.

Loneliness.

And now he offered her that wide, honest smile for once. She couldn’t let that down by making jokes.

Without thinking, Liz gently cupped his cheeks with her hands, keeping her soft but serious voice.

“No, seriously... You shouldn’t wonder that you’re not only my safe place. It’s obvious that you’re good for those who are around you and everyone who says otherwise just doesn’t know you well enough. Stop screwing down your value - I mean it.”

Ressler didn’t miss the intensity in her eyes when she spoke those words. His lips slightly parted while he was taking in her expression, looking at her lips longer than ever. With her hands on his cheeks, it was impossible for him to ignore her warmth. And with it everything he felt for her.

It’s never been easy, hell sometimes it had been damn hart. But he managed it somehow. Managed it to hide everything he felt deep down in his heart.

He always let her go - without even having her - because he believed it was best for her.

Of course Liz didn’t miss her partners look on her lips either. She almost thought she saw something longing in it.

But could that really be for her..? Or was it just his general desire?

She knew Ressler hardly had anyone who gave him the appreciation he deserved. Who showed him what it meant to get love and affection.

Someone to go home to.

As far as she knew, Hannah was the last woman on his side - and it didn’t work out. So it wasn’t hard to understand that he had some desire inside him. She had it herself. It’s what the loneliness gets one into.

It was just when Ressler gently cupped her hands with his own and took them off his cheeks, Liz got ripped out of her thoughts, still looking at him.

“I will.. stay some more minutes in case Agnes wakes up again” he said, quietly clearing his throat. When she didn’t respond, he added a “unless you wanna get rid of me”, putting a light smirk on his lips again.

Avoiding the urgent need to look down, Liz simply nodded. The moment was gone - as always. But this time she felt.. disappointed. And she couldn’t tell why.

“Have a seat. I’ll put some other pillows on the couch since Agnes used most of them for her cave.”

After Liz left the room, Ressler sat down and took a deep breath. What the hell did just happen? Did he really let his feelings take control for a moment? On the one hand he was kinda mad at himself because he did let that happen but on the other hand... there was the way she looked at him. Something told him that he didn’t misunderstand her closeness, her touches - her whole presence in that moment.

But that something seemed to be so little and quiet in his head that he tried not to listen to it.

What didn’t change the fact that he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Neither when Liz put the pillows on the couch, nor when she sat down next to him, facing the TV and they watched the late night news in silence.

——

The next time Ressler opened his eyes the room was immersed in darkness. It had to be in the middle of the night.

While blinking away his tiredness, he tried to figure out his surroundings. His body demonstrated against his waking up since he still had to catch up on a bunch of sleep.

As he became more awake, he noticed a weight on his chest.

It was her.

As far as he could see in the dark, they still were on the couch. But instead of sitting next to each other, he laid on his back and Liz was curled up against him, sleeping calmly while resting her head on his chest. One of his arms was gently put around her back, holding her close. They must’ve fallen asleep while they waited for Agnes to wake up again. Since their week was pretty rough it didn’t really surprise him.

Resslers eyes got more used to the darkness with every minute, so he continued watching his partner sleeping on his chest. She looked not just calm, she looked almost deeply relaxed. That she was sleeping like this on his side, with everything going on in her life, confirmed her trust in him again. That she felt safe with him.

And he loved it.

He couldn’t resist touching her - she looked just too beautiful in his opinion. Besides, one of his arms was already pulled around her anyways. What difference would it make.

Stroking a strand of hair out of her face he took in her expression once more before he softly brushed his thumb over her cheek. What had this woman done to him? For years now he felt the urgent need to protect her, keep her safe and just be there for her when she needed it.

There were so many little things about her that hardly anyone saw because they were hidden behind her serious, yet sometimes cold blooded attitude, she had go used to since Reddington walked into her life. Well, especially since Toms death.

At the time all of it had just begun, so Liz didn’t know much about Reddingtons presence in her life but Ressler and her had already gotten closer, she showed him so much of herself. Evenings like the one they had spent together on her birthday became kind of a ritual. Dinner in the office, takeout at one of their apartments (usually at his since she had mostly lived in a motel room that time) or evening walks after work when there was too much on her mind again and they both needed some fresh air. One or two times, they had even watched a movie together. No matter how weird that state of their almost-nothing-knowing-relationship with Reddington was.. Ressler had really loved that time. Because he and his partner had gotten closer and with that they both had something that kept them balanced. That saved them from feeling lonely many times. Besides, he had learned a lot about her then. Personal things. Her taste in food and movies, her favorite spots to go to when she needed to be alone with her thoughts, what were characteristics she had most likely inherited from Sam.. sometimes if felt to him like as if he was the only person that knew about those certain things.

Even if they hadn’t been the closest friends back then, they built up a strong bond which somehow never ended. It even survived the time she was on the run, the time she faked her death and so many others. Times where they hurt each other.

Meanwhile, she wasn’t as vulnerable anymore. Liz had become a strong woman, who seemed as if she wouldn’t need anyone in her life. He knew that wasn’t the case but the only chance for someone to get that, she had to let you see her weaknesses. Let you look behind the surface. She rarely did to anyone - but to him. Especially in the past two years she allowed him more and more to see her struggles again. Not only by telling him but also by showing him. And every time she did, he felt honored.

Because even if he didn’t want to admit it he knew he loved her.

“Hey..”

Her sleepy voice brought him back to reality. He blinked, still looking at her. Eyes not longer closed she looked up at him, her blue eyes piercing his own as always even though he couldn’t see their color in the darkness.

It was just when his gaze was finally able to move away from her eyes again that he realized he was still stroking her cheek with his thumb. He must’ve continued his gesture while his mind drifted off.

“I-I’m sorry..” he mumbled, his voice all rough from the sleep.

One could tell Liz got goosebumps at the sound of his unfamiliar tone.

Already starting to pull his hand away, she stopped him by cupping his hand with her own, holding it to her cheek. It was the same movement Ressler had done some hours ago, with the difference that Liz wasn’t about to get him away from her.

“Don’t be..” she whispered, earning a surprised and deep look from her partner.

After some seconds had passed he got her message and brought up his other hand as well to run it softly through her hair, getting a bit more confident in touching her.

Not daring to move and risk to destroy the moment Liz simply watched him.

A thin strip of moonlight came through the window and met the freckles that adorned his face. She had always liked how unique her partner looked with them but she had never adored them more than she did in this moment. Locking her eyes into his again, she took in the way he looked at her. And there was it.

There was the longing she already thought she had seen earlier that day. But this time, she was sure. It was there and even if she couldn’t know if that’s the case, she started to believe that it truly was for her. Not just for any kind of fulfilling his desires, no, for her.

But she wanted proof.

Without thinking, Liz grabbed his collar to pull him closer while she popped herself up on one elbow, bringing his lips to hers.

Ressler shivered slightly as her lips met his and she kissed him. His body reacted reflexively, wrapping his arms around her while he responded to the kiss as soft as he could. His mind wasn’t nearly as fast but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter since his body brought up the only reaction he wanted to show her, the one that was shamelessly true.

Their kiss deepened and got more passionate but it still was soft and careful in a special way. Liz could feel his strong arms holding her just as tight as they did the night she told him that he was her tiny island of calm. But this time it was even more intimate.

Loosening her hand from his collar she slowly wandered to his hair, going through it. Since he hadn’t done his hair much after she called him, there was rarely any hair gel left. It felt way softer than she imagined so she kept going, earning a quiet moan from her partner.

This time it was her who shivered.

Breathing heavily they broke apart some minutes later and Ressler watched her with a whole thunderstorm showing in his eyes.

“L..Liz I-“ he stammered but was interrupted by her.

“Shh, don’t overthink it.”

He swallowed, his voice only a whisper.

“I guess right now I’m not able to think at all..”

Liz smiled and placed a light kiss on his cheek before she sat up. He immediately missed her warmth.

“Come on, we both deserve a good sleep and that in a real bed”

Was this a dream? All of this had to be a dream. He simply couldn’t believe who was now standing in front of him, holding out her hand. She was waiting for him - an image he never dared to dream of.

Still being overwhelmed, Ressler took her hand and silently followed her into the bedroom.

When they laid down Liz cuddled into him and placed her head on his chest once more. She didn’t really know what would happen once they woke up but she didn’t feared it either.

Because this was Donald Ressler. Her partner, her friend, her tiny island of calm. And she trusted him.

“Good night Liz” a soft voice whispered, stroking her back.

“Good night knucklehead”

And even if she couldn’t see it, she knew there was a smile on his lips.

That damn smile which made her fall in love again.

#keenler #the blacklist #donald ressler #elizabeth keen #fanfic

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purple-scarf-mistress · 4 years

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Dark Truths

A Criminal Minds FanFic.

Chapter 5

Summary: Jamie has been missing for a year, subjected to horrible torture. Her friends/team/family aka the BAU team scramble to find her. Once she is found it will be a challenge to help her get back to her normal life.

Master List (Multi Chapter)

Pairing: ReidxJamie (OC)

Warnings: This story is explicit and deals with s*xual assault and psychological torture. I will add notes for where to skip and pick back up to for those who want to read this but avoid the warning content as best I can.

There are two flashback chapters before this one that can be read on AO3 or Fanfiction.net. They are explicit flashbacks of Jamie’s first days after being taken. Due to the nature I decided to keep them off tumblr. You do not need to read them to follow the story though.

The plane shook as it touched down, scaring Jamie awake. She was used to being scared and not making a sound or a movement.

Spencer noticed her muscles tighten in preparation for fight or flight, or perhaps an incoming blow. “Jamie? Jamie, Sweetheart, it’s okay. We are back in Virginia alright?” He scooped her up carrying her off the plane. “I am going to take you home, okay?”

Jamie didn't answer, instead she looked around as Reid carried her from the plane to the SUV. She thought she would never see this stupid ariport again. This airport that always carried them to the darkest places of someone's life, but she loved that it meant she was going to help someone. She just never appreciated the tarmac itself until this moment.

Morgan opened the door for him and Spencer set her in the car gently, buckling her into the seat. She felt like everything was in slow motion. Reid got in next to her letting her rest on him once more. He actually wondered if he needed to be holding her more than she needed to be held by him.

“Hey Kid, we're going with you. First shift.” Morgan's voice was affirmative leaving Reid no room for arguments

It took them about 30 minutes to get to Reid's apartment and inside. Ried watched Jamie in his arms as they brought her inside.

“S-Star Trek... “ she mumbled to herself remembering the last time she was over with Reid and what they had been watching.

“Yea, we watched that before,” Spencer cleared his throat, “the last time you came to visit.”

Jamie nodded remembering. She felt safer, but the more and more safe she felt the more worried she was that this could all be ripped away again.

JJ walked in with Morgan watching Spencer set Jamie down on his couch.

“I think we should get her some food. Maybe a hot bath? Lots of rest.” JJ said concerned.

“I hear that. We should all eat. I’ll take care of it” Morgan stepped into the hallway of the apartment calling up his favorite late night eatery.

JJ slowly walked over, kneeling down next to her friends, “Jamie, do you want to take a bath? Or anything?”

Jamie looked quickly to Spencer for guidance. Not sure how to answer, “Sweetheart, it’s your call, if you want to we can set it up for you.”

Jamie's mind raced. Showers had not been a particularly good experience she reached her hand up to rub her neck, the bruises from the choke collar the night before clearly visible around her skin.

“Y-Yes?” She said nervously.

JJ nodded, going to get the cast wrap to protect Jamie's leg. Reid got up and went to his bathroom running warm water into the tub. Jamie sat there watching her friends fuss over her. She wasn't sure what to do.

Morgan came back inside and stayed out of the way. He was worried too many people swirling around Jamie would set her off. He watched as Reid carried Jamie into the bathroom in his room and JJ followed behind him. He sat her on the counter, and nodded to JJ.

“I’m going to let JJ help you okay? I will be right outside.” Spencer brushed a strand of hair from her face tucking it behind her ear.

Jamie didn’t want him to go. She was worried he would go and she wouldn't see him again but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t respond. She watched him walk out the door.

JJ gently walked over to Jamie, “Do you need help getting out of these clothes?”

Jamie nodded, letting JJ help her out of them and get into the tub. Placing her leg on the edge.

“There we go. Water okay?”

Jamie nodded. She was glad JJ was here. Over the last year men had hurt her in the shower, she didn’t think JJ would, she really didn’t think Spencer would either. JJ nodded, “I’ll be right outside the door. Call if you need anything”

Jamie nodded watching her go before starting to wash up. Her mind felt all over the place. She wanted desperately to be the happy woman she had been before all this happened but she didn’t even know if that girl existed inside her anymore. She was more scared than brave, more sad than happy, more confused than certain. She was nothing like her old self.

She looked at her body as she washed herself, looking over the marks on her skin, some scars some healing. Her mind went blank wanting to avoid all the memories, her body felt numb too. She sat there. Staring at the facet.

Part of her mind tried to objectively diagnose her. Much like Reid she was a genius, her mind a trap for memories, it was easier to fracture her thinking and internally talk to herself as a different person to overcome all this.

PTSD - most likely, acute stress disorder - probably. Stockholm syndrome? Not showing signs of yet. Please don’t get that one Jamie. Great, you're talking to yourself. Fragmentation/ dissociation of thoughts, Check. Diagnosing yourself. We’ve lost it. Doctorates and all - you’ve gone off the deep end haven't you.

Her mind was like several voices but all of them were here. The part of her that was hopeful, the numb, and the part of her that believed Quinn.

Jamie didn’t hear JJ knocking on the door. She only saw her when JJ sat right next to her on the tub edge. “Can I wash your hair for you Jamie?”

She nodded blankly, not really processing what she asked. She felt JJ tilt her head back, a cup full of warm water was poured over her careful to not get on her face. Then came the gentle massage of finger rubbing shampoo in her hair.

You can’t even take care of yourself now. Can’t make decisions, or answer questions. You're absolutely useless, it’s only a matter of time before they realize it. Stop Stop, you know what this is Jamie, its just the trauma. You know this. Stupid.

As JJ rinsed the shampoo out of Jamie’s hair she saw the tears start falling down her cheeks.

“We’re all done Jamie, ” JJ pulled the drain, “shhh it’s alright” she got a towel ready to cover her once the water was gone. Jamie didn’t respond, she didn't realize that she was shivering now that the warm water was gone.

Jamie looked up seeing Reid kneeling next to the tub not sure when he got there. He quickly scooped her up keeping the towel wrapped snugly around her tiny body.

He rocked her in his arms, “I’ve got ya, shhh it’s okay”

Why are you crying?! Do you even know! Stop, stop it right now before they realize they should have never come back for you. Reid wouldn’t ever think that… would he?

Spencer paced back and forth in his room rocking Jamie in his arms. He watched her face intently waiting for her to break out of her thoughts and be present.

“S-Sorry,” Jamie said at a volume that was barely audible.

“Nothing to be sorry for Jamie,” he sat her down gently on the edge of his bed and grabbed his CalTech hoodie from his dresser. He had let her borrow it a couple of times when they were on a case or hanging out. He loved it when she wore it because she looked so cute swallowed up in his clothes. Jamie being 5 foot 4 inches and him standing just over 6 feet, and also because then it smelled like her light perfume.

“I think this will be comfortable for you to wear until we get some more clothes,” helping her into it gently than grabbing a pair of his pajama bottoms. He slid the pants over her cast and helped her stand enough to slip them all the way on. They were way too long even with the legs folded up.

“Morgan ordered dinner. Hungry?” Spencer smiled seeing the small nod carrying her out of the bedroom.

She glanced over at Morgan, it was the first time she had really looked at anyone besides Reid’s face. His face was so serious, like he was worried and angry - his im going to solve this case face. It quickly softened when he realized she was looking at him.

“Hey Little Red” he smiled. Morgan always had a nickname for her related to her fiery red hair.

“H-Hi” She smiled before looking at Reid to make sure that was okay.

Reid was aware she was deferring to him and didn’t want her to feel like he controlled her. He sat her down at the table sitting close to her, “Jamie, you can do and say whatever you want okay? You don’t need permission. Not from me, not from anyone. Okay?”

“S-s-sorry… I I will try to do b-better”

“Oh sweetheart that- that's not what I meant.” Reid took a deep breath then grabbed the chicken soup Morgan ordered for Jamie and brought it closer to her.

You're not allowed to eat at a table, remember. This is a trick. No it’s not, Spence hasn’t done anything to make it seem like this is a trick.

Reid frowned, picked up the spoon and took a bite of the soup, “ it's safe to eat Jamie. See?” She nodded but still didn’t know what to do.

JJ and Morgan looked at each other than at Reid not sure what to do next.

“You must be hungry Jamie,” JJ said softly.

Morgan saw the confused look on the small woman's face, “What is it little red?”

Jamie swallowed, not sure what to do, she decided answering him was the best bet, “I’m not allowed to eat until everyone else is done, and I am really not allowed to eat at the table, “She said quickly, looking down to the floor.

“Those rules don't matter anymore” Morgan was furious not at Jamie but at the people who had taught her that.

“What Morgan means is that it was good that you followed the rules. You did what you had to to survive so we could find you and bring you home. But now that you are home you can make your own rules, like you can eat at the table, or on the couch or in bed. Where do you want to eat?” Spencer asked, wanting to see if she had a preference.

“H-here is good.” Jamie picked up the spoon and took her first bite. She kept her head down eating in silence for a while. She didn’t eat much but it was more than she had eaten in weeks.

Jamie was exhausted. She could feel her body starting to withdraw from the drugs. She didn’t want to live that nightmare but she was going to have too. If anyone knew what that was like it was Spencer. She started to fall asleep sitting there as her mind thought through what she knew of withdrawal.

JJ carefully moved the bowl of food away from Jamie so she wouldn't fall face first into it. Reid gently picked her up, “Let's get you to bed sweetheart.”

He carried her into his room laying her down on the bed. Jamie warped her arms around Reids neck, “D-Don't leave me. P-Please?”

“Are you okay if I lay down in the bed with you?”

“Y-yes”

“Okay, but you tell me if you want me to get out okay? Any time.”

She nodded, wrapping her arms tight around his neck. “K-Keep the light on too?”

“I am scared of the dark too, Jamie, I’ll keep it on for the both of us,” He pet her hair gently hoping she would fall asleep feeling safe. Once she was asleep he grabbed his phone and texted the other two that he wouldn’t be out for a while and to put his food in the fridge for later.

He pet her hair over and over again, hoping that she would know she was safe in her dreams. Only he wasn't only doing it for her, he needed to remind himself that she was really here with him. His eyes began to water as he realized he had the love of his life back home safe.

Jamie startled awake from her nightmare only to see Spencer laying next to her asleep with his arms wrapped snugly around her. She felt the tears fall down her face as she griped Spencers shirt in her hand weekly not wanting to let go of him for fear that this could all get ripped away from her.

Her stomach felt awful. Her head hurt. Her body was weak and the worst of the withdrawal symptoms had yet to come but nothing was worse than the idea that this could get taken away from her again. Her chest heaved as she choked out another sob. She felt the slender arms around her body pull her closer and begin to cradle her.

“It’s okay Jamie, Go ahead and cry. It will make you feel better if you let it all out.” Spencer’s voice was raspy as he woke up. She had every right to cry for days on end if she wanted too, but he also knew that crying was a withdrawal symptom as well.

She couldn’t stop crying. Her sobs became more forceful and louder. Her head throbbed with her heart beat and her stomach had taken to doing back flips. She tried to focus on the soft circles being rubbed onto her back and the gentle rocking side to side distract her from the fear, from the memories, from the sickness she felt in her body.

Hey eyes finally stopped dropping tears down her face and her breathing slowed. She felt like she had been crying for an eternity. Spence’s t-shirt was soaked through where she had her face pressed against him.

She swallowed hard, “I-Im Sorry.”

“Don’t be sweetheart.” he petted her hair gently, looking up when his door pushed open more seeing JJ peak her head in.

“I brought you some water. Thirsty?” JJ asked gently, holding the glass out to her.

Jamie took it in both hands nodding and took a sip. She kept sipping slowly until all the water was gone. Handing the cup back to JJ. “Thanks”

“Is there anything I can get you sweetheart?”

Why did he have to ask that. YES! Get me a shot! Please. You can beat this you do not need a shot. You do not need to be high. Yes we do! Yes I would do anything Quinn asked right now for it, and you know you would too.

“Drugs” Jamie blurted out impulsively, eyes widening that she actually said that.

JJ and Spencer shared a concerned look, not sure what to say.

“Jamie, I know how hard this is but you don’t want that. I know you don’t” Spencer said calmly

Oh so now he knows what we want? What I want?! Who does he think he is. SHUT UP! He is taking care of us and I am a handful enough as it is! Don’t ruin this or we will have to go back to Quinn. We would get drugs then so thats a bonus.

“Jamie, you need to calm down. You are hyperventilating.” Spencer watched her chest rise and fall in rapid desperate heaves.

“I can’t breathe.” Jamie sputtered. “I don't, I don't know what's, what’s wrong with me!” “Nothing is wrong with you Jamie,” JJ said soothingly kneeling down by the bed.

Liar.

Jamie saw the room start spinning, she felt like her body was floating, until she felt the hardness of Reids chest pressed up against her back. She didn’t realize he had moved them to a chair.

“Jamie, sweetheart, try to match my breaths okay? Nice and slow. You are safe, and you have a family to help you through this. Just breathe.” Spencer kept his voice low and even, he took long deep breaths and paid close attention to hers. He watched as her breathing started to slow little by little.

“That’s it Jamie.” Reid took her wrist gently in his grasp, finding her pulse. Still high but slowing down as her breathing stabilized. “I’ve got you. You are safe. Just focus on my breathing okay?” Jamie nodded her head slowly. She still felt light headed resting her head back against him, eyes shut gently. .

Morgan stepped into the room quietly.

Spencer gently mouthed a “shhh” so Morgan knew to be quiet and not startle her. He took a place in front of Reid’s dresser, standing still and watching Jamie slowly calm down. JJ looked worried. She had no idea what sent Jamie into a panic and the fact she had asked for drugs showed her how difficult a healing process would be. She wondered if they could really pull her though this.

Once Jamie had calmed down again she felt embarrassed. She truly didn’t want to feel anymore. Every inch of her being felt like a raw nerve. “Want to watch a movie Jamie? We can move to the couch and put something on that you love and you can watch or sleep? Does that sound nice?” Spencer asked gently petting her hair smiling softly at the slow gentle nod against his chest. He carried her gently to his living room sitting her down on the couch next to him. “What do you....” he saw her face panic at the idea of having to choose, “I think we should watch Tangled. I know how much you love that movie and it’s super cute.”

Jamie nodded smiling slightly. She had forgotten all about the things she liked and It was nice to be reminded by someone who clearly noticed.

Spencer clicked it on and looked over at Morgan and JJ who just looked exhausted and out of place not really having much to do, “Go home you two. I know you guys all insisted but I will call if we need anything for the rest of the night, and you can stop in again tomorrow.” Morgan shook his head no, but then thought about it, “Spencer. I mean it. You call if you need anything.” “I know I know” said the genius as he rolled his eyes slightly.

JJ looked at Jamie worried about her feeling uncomfortable without another woman around but knew that she clearly felt the safest with Spencer. It was so plain the way she clinged to him like he was her life line.

“Alright, goodnight Jamie, night Spencer,” the other agents made their way out of the apartment.

Spencer looked down at the red headed girl watching the screen, eyes drooping slightly, snuggled up to him with her head pressed right against his heart. He kept his arms around her as they watched the movie in silence.

Jamie felt so drained by everything. She could feel herself falling asleep but she didn't want to. She fought it so hard.

Spencer watched her eyes shut and then snap back open and repeat. He adjusted the way he was sitting careful not to disturb her too much and rested his head gently on top of hers.

When her breathing deepened and her eyes no longer forced their way open he couldn't help but say what he had wished he had said a long time ago. Barely anova a whisper in the dark quiet living room Spencer whispered, “I love you Jamie.” He drifted off to sleep again with her in his arms.

Quinn paced the floor of the apartment he was in. She had been out of his grasp for far too long while they laid low and waited for the Boss’ orders. He was scheming how he would take her again and how exactly he would make her suffer for her poor decision of going with them. He hoped he planted enough distrust in her team members, the main one being her stupid “adopted” father. He smiled remembering how she would call out for him to save her and the stroke of pure evil that had ensued when he told her he was the one behind all this. From that point on anyone he talked to on the phone about her he referred to as Hotch, it was great when he knew he was talking to her biological dad, and would tell him about how she begged for him knowing full well what he was doing to her. He wanted to make her so broken and so afraid that she would struggle to find the life she once knew even if she was able to return to it.

“I am tired of waiting. I want my pet back” her grumbled to himself looking out the window at the dark sky of DC.

~Can also be read on AO3 and Fanfic by anonymouslymine ~

#dark truths #Reid x Jamie #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fan #dr spencer reid #spencerxjamie #dr reid #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fan #ao3 fanfic #fanfiction.net #triggering content #trigger warning

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candytuftgirl · 4 years

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Somnia

A Secret Santa fic for Amylion! (My dumbass couldnt find your tumblr ashfg).

I hereby present this... mess. Probably not what you were asking for (definitely not; Im so sorry I just realized I didnt use the prompts they were going to come up later on RIP) and maybe a tinsy bit cringe-worthy. There was supposed to be more, but yeah; here’s some good-natured kid Leia and Dad Vader, with a pinch of prophetic dreams for zest.

Well, I tried.

(Also, this one shot was not beta’ed, I die like the horrible mess of a writer I am)

The hallways are dark.

The shadows that surround a few illuminated viewports create frightening monsters, if one had the right imagination for it. What was worse was that she was alone. There were no droids, white masks or suit-people in sight.

If she were younger, maybe she’d ask a droid to accompany her on this late night journey. But no; she was a big girl now (Seven! That was two fingers more than a whole hand) and besides, her daddy didn’t really like them much.

He didn’t like a lot of things, but there were some he disliked more than others. And she noticed, which was why she was walking alone, in the dark, the metal caging her in from the side. And she’s not scared. Not at all.

Still, if she squeezes Mr. Catty just a bit too tight that was just because he was shivering so much.

The big silver doors are in view soon enough, and she shuffles a bit faster when she notices them. It doesn’t even take a moment before they silently open. She walks in, the doors close and the familiar whirring noise echoes all around her.

“Leia.” Her daddy steps out of the dark, his breathing machine the only constant source of sound in the room. He’s tall, dark and shiny- just like he was when he put her to bed. It calms her; and Mr. Catty.

He absently waves a finger, turning the lights on as he steps closer to her small form. “Angel, what’s wrong?”

She doesn’t answer. Instead she walks over with her bare feet (she was going to get a scolding for that for sure), Mr. Catty firmly in hand and looks up at her father’s dark mask. The staring only lasts a moment.

There’s a small hitch in the constant whirring noise, like an exhausted little sound, and her father firmly picks her up and sits himself down on a nearby chair. She’s on his knee, one black gloved arm still around her while she makes herself comfortable, and now it’s just her father’s strange mask that stares down at her.

Leia doesn’t hesitate. “I had a strange dream daddy.”

She didn’t dream often, but when she did, she always dreamed of strange things. A cave filled with crystals, shining so brightly she swore she heard them sing. An underwater city, beautiful; but there were fish people standing on top of buildings, crying, screaming: “Traitor, traitor!”.

A moon made out of metal, with a heart that screeched in pain.

Everyone always said her dreams were silly, and she was making too much of a fuss about them. Overactive imagination, her retelling a version of a story she read somewhere; one suit-man even accused her of lying once! The more she talked about them, the less everyone who heard them believed her.

Sometimes, Leia thought that if it weren’t for her daddy, their gentle reprimands would turn scathing.

She knew she shouldn’t have shared her dreams, knew most never believed her, but she couldn’t help herself; they all felt so real to her in a way. Why couldn’t other people understand that?

She knew better now. All the droids and suit-people dismissed her worries so she dismissed them as well; except for her daddy.

He never said she was making things up, and he always listened.

“It was a dry place.” Leia began, fumbling with Mr.Catty’s stuffed legs. She tried to remember. “Like, really dry. Everything was orange and the ground was bright and smooth; with all these little pebbles on them.” She shook her head lightly. “Oh no, they were even smaller than that: tiny, little pebbles. And there were no trees, or rivers, or-“

“A desert.” Her father stated, quickly cutting off her rambling. “You were dreaming of a desert.”

She scrunched her little button nose up at him. “A desert? Like, dessert?”

“No. A desert is a barren wasteland, largely inhospitable, dry and covered in sand; the tiny pebbles.” He explained, and she files away this new revelation in her mind. “I believe the chocolate waffles you had for breakfast this morning don’t fit the same description.”

Uh-oh. She cringed, fumbling her fingers around her stuffed toy. “Oh- you know about that?”

So she might have eaten sweets for breakfast this morning. Really, though, it hadn’t been her fault! She was alone with the droid in the kitchen, and it did ask her what she wanted for breakfast. And she really didn’t want to eat porridge filled with fruits, vitamins and all the “healthy necessities her body required to grow”. Besides, she was sure chocolate waffles made her grow more than that mush anyway.

“We will discuss your punishment tomorrow.” Leia made a face at that; she really didn’t want to scrub her room clean. Again. Her father’s mask turned towards her wriggling feet. “Where are your socks?”

“-So anyway.” She continued undeterred. “I was in a desert. But I wasn’t alone. There was a boy there too.”

Her father straightened a bit more at that. He always did, whenever she dreamed of someone. “What kind of boy?”

She shrugged. “A boy. I guess he was like me- except, well, he’s a boy.” Leia thought about him for a bit; the boy that inexplicably drew her attention more than any scary dream ever had. “He was blonde, with blue eyes- and his clothes were too big.”

She furrowed her eyebrows in concentration, trying to recall the image of a boy in large white sleeves chasing furry creatures across the ground. “He was kinda scruffy looking.”

“Language.” Her father quietly added, though it was more of an automatic response than anything. “Is that all?”

“Umm, he was chasing some weird rat; I guess he was playing a game and-“

“I mean, was there anyone else in the dream?”

Leia shook her head, expression serious as she looked up at her daddy. With her chubby cheeks and button nose, she looked far too adorable to emulate any kind of sobering face but that hardly stopped her from trying. Like a little queen waiting for her adviser’s opinion, she stared at her father while he thought about her dream.

Her father’s mask stared off in a vague direction, head tilted as he considered what she said. The longer he remained in that position, the more Leia’s heartbeat echoed in her head. This is important then. Daddy must think so too.

It didn’t scare her; it made her strangely giddy. Like that boy was a puzzle piece, something she unknowingly needed to complete the distorted picture in her life.

“It’s nothing like your… usual visions.” His rough voice brought her back from her daydreams. Black mask meeting her large chocolate eyes, her father stated his final judgment. “No. I do not believe it really means anything, angel. Maybe it really was just a dream.”

Mr.Catty made a straining nose from the pressure of her tiny fingers.

In hindsight, this information was wonderful. She often came to her father, crying her eyes out because she hated all the scary dreams she was having, and she didn’t want them anymore. The fact that this dream might have been just that; a dream, not a nightmare, not reality…

Leia hated it.

“No daddy!” She yelled suddenly, wiggling free and sliding down to the floor. It caught her father off guard, too surprised to stop her.

With red cheeks she stared up at him, and all his black glory. “He was real. I know he was.”

“Leia…”

“No!” She threw Mr. Catty to the floor, angry tears appearing in her narrowed eyes. “You think I’m making things up! Like everyone else!”

“Leia.”

Her father got up, voice cold as the atmosphere in the room shifted. No longer approachable, but massive; He stared down at her in the oppressive silence, hands on his hips, looking like a mountain that would break the earth before it would bend.

A scary sight, one that many feared. Leia was no match for that; small, with her chin trembling, and wet, sloppy tears already rolling down her cheeks. She couldn’t even compare.

Still, she refused to back down.

She knew her daddy was angry, and he was probably going to be even angrier the more she continued this staring contest; but- I’m angry too!

After all, out of all the people in her life, it was her father who was supposed to believe her no matter what. The fact that he didn’t, that he thought it was all a dream…

That hurt her.

The staring continued. The tension rose. Before she knew it, the temperature in the room dropped some more. She vaguely wondered if she was going to freeze up. Like those poor people in the vacuum of space, ones that fell under fire and drifted out of reach into an asteroid field. No one went back for them. Nobody even tried.

Would her father leave her like that, all alone? Here in this room, like a sculpture? Would she be able to see? Move? Become a statue for eternity?

It was a daunting thought, the coldness seeping through her jammies and into her skin now. She couldn’t stop shaking; the fear was swallowing her, but she wouldn’t-

It wasn’t until she glanced at Mr. Catty laying on the floor that realization set it and the fear stilled. Eyes straying away from the black void of her father, she took a few steps to her fallen toy, the coldness subsiding as well.

Gingerly picking him up, she muttered a quick apology to her favorite friend, facing her father as the tears roamed unchecked now.

“I-I’m sorry Daddy…” The hiccuping made it harder to speak. “But, but-“

She was full on sobbing now, and just like that, the atmosphere in the room shifted back to normal. The coldness subsided, the warmth came back and she couldn’t stop crying.

Her father made that whirring exhausted little noise, before slowly bending his knees in a crouch so they were more at eye level (Leia didn’t like how he towered over her so much, so piggybacks were still an often occasion).

It was a bit comical to see her tall and menacing father lost as to what to do, his tiny daughter shaking and desperately trying to rub away all the evidence of her uncontrollable tears.

“Oh no, angel not your-“ The warning was too late, as she blew her nose into her sleeves. They were icky already, but she kept smearing her tears in them. Her father quickly battered her attempts away. He looked around, his shoulders slumping some more.

Soon enough, she was blowing into a soft and leathery like material; her father sacrificing his shiny black gloves, gently wiping away the grime and the snot from her small face.

He was probably going to make that sad little whirring noise about that later, but for now, he remained composed.

“Calm down, angel.” He spoke as gently as he could with his distorted voice, his own version of Sssh, sssh- don’t cry now.

“I’m sorry, daddy.” Leia stared at his black, droid like mask with her puffy eyes. She made a few more hiccuping noises, before croaking out the truth she knew in her heart. “But… but he’s important.”

“The boy from your dream?” She nodded. “How so?”

“Be-because!” She wiped the remains of her tears away, frantically trying to explain to her father the underlining importance of it all. It was so clear to her, didn’t he understand? “I saw him, daddy. I saw him jump around rocks, kick rats; fix- or maybe he was breaking- droids-!“

Another memory appeared in her head, one that makes her smile. “And he stares at the sunset daddy! Like you stare out the viewport. He must be real.”

This knowledge didn’t seem to appease her father; if anything, it seemed to do the opposite. The coldness in the room came back with alarming ferocity, before it changed into something incredibly hot, like a blazing sun- and then she could breathe again.

Her father’s shoulders slumped lightly, before he started to reach out his hand to her. He stopped, probably remembering the sobbing incident, and pried his gloves off, gently laying his hands down on her small shoulders. Leia tried her best to not shiver from the cold metal prosthetics. They glinted in the light, fake fingers squeezing her softly.

(Once, a long time ago, when she was still curious about her father’s strange suit, she had asked him if he was a droid. She couldn’t see it, but she just knew her daddy became very sad, and she instantly felt bad about it.

“No, not completely” he said.

She never asked again.)

“Leia.” He had her complete undivided attention. “The dream you had was real. But it was only a vision of the past.”

“The past?” She repeated, blinking as her father retracted his hands from her. But that would mean… “Really?”

“Really.”

The boy she dreamed about was real, as real as her heart in her chest. But it was a boy from before, not now. A boy from the past.

She felt an uncomfortable weight settle inside her.

“How do you know?” It couldn’t be true- the boy she saw was here, now, like she was- and he was important. She just knew it. “Did you… know him?”

“Once.” Her father looked away, like when he looked through viewports at the stars; like the boy. “I knew him, once.”

Her father was many things, but he wasn’t a liar.

She sagged with that newfound knowledge, tired and sad all at once, Mr.Catty limp in her hold. A boy from the past- it hurt her in a way she couldn’t explain, like a goal she could see as plain as day evaporated just beyond her reach. He had seemed so real (was he still real?), and now…

Just a boy from before. It felt like the truth.

And yet, there was still a part of her that believed differently.

There was shuffling in the background, her father’s loud stomps echoing in the room. Looking up, she saw him searching for something in his sleek metal closet. He only had one in his room.

Or was it an office- that term would perhaps better serve to describe his room (he didn’t even have a bed; sometimes Leia thought the plush chairs and sofa were there only for her benefit).

Most would have called it an office- if it wasn’t for the large bacta tank standing at the other end.

She opened her mouth when he walked back to her, but he stopped her new bouts of questions by deftly picking her up- new and shiny, clean black gloves in place.

“Enough. It’s late.” That was his order-voice now. The one that didn’t allow protests. She slumped a little in his hold.

The walk back through the shadowed corridors wasn’t as scary as before, and Leia rested her cheek on her father’s broad shoulder as he swallowed the distance between their rooms in short time.

He put her back to bed, exchanging her star shirt for a clean one with lothcats, and tucked her in. Opening her closet, he made sure to look inside before closing it again. A nightly ritual for checking monsters. No matter how many times he assured her that there was nothing scarier than him around, Leia insisted. That late-night holo she saw still made her shiver.

Besides, her daddy wasn’t that scary.

Smoothing down the hair on her head, Mr.Catty snuggled up beside her, he straightened and pointed a finger at her in warning (like he did at the suit-people, though his voice wasn’t so cold): “Now, sleep.”

He left. She shifted to find a more comfortable position, obeying the silent order and closing her eyes. Before drifting off, she repeated the words she knew rang true in her head; her heart.

The boy is real. Like me. I know it.

#my writing #dad vader #kid leia #sw #star wars #mess #secret santa fic #how do I tag this #this was just a scene in a long line of catastrophy #do not crucify me for my poor attempt at fluff

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ot5 · 6 years

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@tllthesundies HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCH!!!🎉💖🌸💞🎂✨💌💖💞💗🎊🎉🍾💗🎂💕💖✨🎊💖🌹🍾🎉💘💕💌🌻❤️✨🌷💞🎉❤️💝🎂💘

so for this special occasion i used my amazing photoshop paint skills to make u this taylourry manip since there’s an unfortunate lack of those:/ they’re baking you three (3) cakes how great is that😫 louis, of course, asked ‘how do you whisk’ all three times and taylor n harry just shared a look and fondly rolled their eyes at him. i like to imagine they were singing along to britney classics and also laughing about how louis’ album and lyrics will shake us to our core bc they live for that drama👀 and cant wait to watch us freak out. of course at some point louis started throwing flour at taylor &harry which ended up in a messy kitchen fight.

thanks for reading my mini taylourry fic excuse the lack of angst i kno you live for that shit but anyways as i was saying, happy birthday bith! i hope u have a great one!! i cant believe you've turned 20 today🤧 you were already settling down at the old age of 19 an now you’re entering the final Grandma stage *kylie jenner dabbing tears.gif* as an og violin i feel blessed to have followed ur journey and watched you grow up & to have experienced ur crazy crackhead days which i lowkey miss sometimes it was truly a blast with ur shit posts and you saying things that still haunt me in my sleep. since im getting Sentimental�� you know what else i miss in this chilis today? you getting asks & Interacting on here bc i recall thats what started my soft spot for u. you’re [louis voice] genuinely Genuinely one of the sweetest people ive seen on here like everytime you called someone crouton or replied with a row of heart emoji’s my heart grew 10 sizes bigger💗💗 i hate that my memory is shit and there’s no blog/archive anymore(rip in pieces we’ll get to that later) that i can search thru for those Receipts but i know not one (1) mean word has ever left your mouth, or keybord in this case, those are the Facts #confirmed by me! even back in the day when i was blissfully unaware of any drama and this hellsite was just a happy place u still stood out to me bc when you answered asks or whatever you were just so nice! kind! and sweet! and funny too i feel like u raised me on memes (i also appreciate that u tolerate me w my crusty sense of humor and memes from 2013) and tbh when i saw you were younger than me i was Shook bc you felt like an older sister to me with wise words and just this calm&kind presence on tumblr dot com where everyone always takes offense u were idk the word..... rational/nuanced/patient/understanding? ive thought it many times before but if everyone here were a bit more like you this place would be a nice valley filled with blossoming flowers sawying in a gentle breeze on a warm spring day🌻🌷🌸 (i know u prefer fall so u can represent a Quality Leaf too if u want and i’ll ship you w niall #neaf) anyway as my melancholic ass was saying, i sometimes miss @harryandlouisofficial /harryandlouisau? idk you’ve had your fair share of changes(as i was searching through my own blog for a certain pic i came across some deactivated urls that i think were yours lsdknvds) but that harryandlouis brand™ was truly You and just such a familiarity on my dash and tbh if i come across any blogs that start w harryandlouis im always side eyeing them for that copyright infringement of intellectual property. Even before we really started talking i already felt like i knew you bc you were always....out there...talking, yellin n sprouting bullshit which was [me as that gif of pam from the office tearing up] beautiful😫 like i didnt even know about the existence of the vampire diaries but u were practically screaming about it on a daily basis and lowkey got me to crush on nina dobrev bc of it also ur love for tom odell, soup, domestic hl, Angst, the midnight memories album, that purple suit harry wore to the late late show, birdy, those literature ppl whose names im not even gonna bother with, and of course taylourry & how do you whisk, they’re all filed under ‘Things That Belong To Violet’ and i kno yelling about thing or reblogging ask memes or doing those tag things doesnt go with ur Brand but i wish it did bc there’s so much i wanna know or ask or just see what you think about things👀 u could make a post saying ‘potato’ and eventho id disagree id still be over here giving a standing ovation

this is getting long im so sorry snlkdfnsld i was going somewhere but im kinda losing the plot. So anyhow the point was that ur an angel! and idk also intimidating to me back in the day? ive sent my fair share of anons (nice ones of course nskldnsf) and i vaguely rmr asking for advice a few times too and you were always so kind n wonderful🤧 and then one day i sent smth nice off anon and you followed me back even with the ugly ass url i had back then lfnvslknsd bless you and now here we are:) so i love getting sentimental and reminiscing about the old days but also know that i admire u for jus deleting and starting afresh! kween of rebranding!👏👏 and this tiddiesundays era feels like ur a professional business woman or maybe more like a professional writer who has that clean & calm aesthetic down to a T and i might’ve turned notifs on so i wont miss that one quality (1) post per day sdlknlksdn i love showing my Love thru liking and rb’ing a lot so you make it hard on me sometimes(rmr when we were each other biggest fans? good times😫) but jus kno my heart’s still beating the same yes thats a sad attempt at a oial ref bc that is also filed under the things that belong to u. i dont wanna like, overwhelm? you bc im sometimes afraid ill b too much but know that im always out here rooting for u &hoping that ur doing great bc this bitch has a lot of love and adoration for u!!💗 i know some v sweet people on here but you are just.....on another level like just your presence here clears my skin and puts a big smile on my face esp when u drag me or vice versa for having certain Opinons (like the 1d album or song discourse) dont @ me but ur truly one of my favorite people. One day when you give me the go ahead im gonna send you that card/letter and i’ll get even sappier (yes thats possible!) i was gonna wish you a sunny day but for some reason u love rain so...i hope it rains:’) or else you can move your ass over here so at least one of us can appreciate the dutch weather also i would toast to you but i think ur still not legally allowed to drink which is also a reason to get ur ass over here bc i feel like you’d be a blast to get drunk with (also shout out to you for indulging me in my wine aunt moments u were truly there for me when no one else was🤧came thru with lyrics to tmh bops faster than lightning ill never forget that!) so to conclude this Essay i lov u & hope u have an amazing birthday *serenades you with tom odell songs*💗💕💖💘💗💕💖💝💗💞💘💕💞💖💕💗💝💖💘💞💕💗

#*cracks knuckles* HERE WE GO #u better make yourself a cup of tea and get some snacks this is gonna be a long ride #i feel like i had a clear outline of things i wanted to say but ended up forgetting all of that and instead we got.......this #this MESS violet sweetie im so sorry #i kno this is v Extra already but im gonna be highkey annoyed with myself if tomorrow something pops in my head like shoot i forgot to #mention that! so i might add to the tagsnslkdnvdls idk i love an excuse to show all my love and appreciation😫 and this is IT #also im sorry for being so late this took me a While bc im incapable of simple cutting n pasting in paint or putting my thoughts into words #me: i need to stop this is Too Much #also me: but is it enough?

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bluethepaladin · 7 years

Text

I just lost a friend over something so stupid, and I’m so mad. I want to scream.

Somebody literally had the audacity to use my situation with Hurricane Harvey to promo their blog.

As most of you know, I was hit kind of hard by Harvey. I don’t post about it too much, because it’s Depressing and Unfun, and tumblr is mostly my way to escape. So a while back, when the floodwaters had just retreated, my friend on tumblr came to me wanting to vent, and I thought they were asking for advice. After a few back and forths, I realized they didn’t want my advice and just wanted to vent. But like, I have a lot on my plate right now. And because I thought we were friends, I thought I could be honest about that. So I sent a polite message saying

“Okay somewhere along the line I think I misunderstood what you wanted from me. I thought you were asking for advice, which is why i offered it. Since we're friends, I'll be honest with you. For about the next 3 days it's going to be super duper rough for me, and I've got a lot on my plate. On a normal day I would be 1000% down to listen to you vent and be a Supportive and Good Friend™ but I just don't have the mental or emotional capacity to do that right now. I'm sorry, I want to be there for u to listen to you vent, and you can totally lay it all on me like at any other time and I will be glad to hear it, but for now and the next 3 days, I just can't handle it.”

They responded with “that’s fine.” and nothing else, so I said “Thank you so much for understanding” and they just. Stopped talking to me. The next day I sent a message saying that I hope they had a great day, and sorry for being a downer. No response.

Two days later, I asked them how their day was. They said “fine. you?” Since, again, I had asked to not talk about Deep things, I glossed over the fact that my house was being ripped apart by helpful neighbors, and also mentioned I had class tomorrow. Their response?

“i'm fine. hope you have a good day in class tomorrow.”

Clearly, that is the end of the conversation. So I just figured, hey, they’re probably not in the mood to talk right now, So I said I’d leave em to it, and logged off.

Two days later, I see a post on my dash. It’s them asking for a promo. The tags are this: #i think an ex mutual is badmouthing me ://// #because i didnt want to talk to them when they wanted to talk #so i think theyre like name dropping me now #but anyway im also close to my next k

Cool. Fine. Whatever.

But then I see an ask on my dash

Anon: You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but why would they badmouth you? If you don't mind me asking?

Answer: nah it’s cool here’s the storythe other day i was ranting to them about something that was bothering me, and they were talking to me about it and stuff but then they just snapped at me and told me they couldn’t deal with me for the next couple of days (because they were dealing with the aftermath of Harvey and like okay that’s fine that’s cool i understand please by all means go deal with that don’t even worry about me my issues aren’t as important) so we didn’t speak for a few days. i gave them their space. which is what they wanted, right? well like almost exactly 3 days later they come to me and want to talk. well, i haven’t been feeling awesome lately, as you might know, and when i get into a depressive state i tend not to talk much. i’ll answer anons and stuff but messages don’t really… i can’t really handle that. so they start talking to me, and i reply but… i’m not as into the conversation as i usually am when i talk to them i guess? (also i’m watching a video at this time so i’m like trying to watch that and not leave them hanging while also feeling like shit. and i told them this) so anyway they unfollowed me sometime between that conversation and the next morning. (also the conversation didn’t even… like i wasn’t shitty to them? and they weren’t shitty to me? so i don’t understand) now since then i’ve lost like 20 followers. and i haven’t been posting on this blog much. i have a queue running but i don’t think any of those posts were problematic, if so i think someone would tell me. and any discourse i post is on a sideblog so it can’t be that. unless tumblr is royally fucking up, but i don’t think that’s it. so i’m pretty sure this person is flat out just bashing me. anyway that’s it im done talking about it. just if yall could reblog my promo post that would be awesome because i’ve been steady losing followers since that night ://///

Bolded emphasis is mine.

Literally all of that is a lie. I never unfollowed them until yesterday, which is how I saw the post! It was on my dash.

I never said I didn’t want to deal with them, I said I couldn’t handle venting for probably 3 days.

I sent a message to them after they said “that’s fine” I sent a message the next day and got no response. And I sent a message the day after that, and that’s when they finally decided to grace me with their presence.

I never unfollowed them. Well, I did yesterday because I value myself too much to let myself be used and dragged around by people.

I never told anyone about it using their name.

So of course, I sent a message. I asked them if they wanted me to unfollow them, since they’d unfollowed me. I said I was hurt because pretty much none of that was true. They said they’d deleted the chat and at the top it didn’t say I was still following so they just assumed I unfollowed.

They said “I guess it was just a misunderstanding”

Then I apologized. After reading the wording of the post, I thought, oh no maybe they read my initial message wrong, and assumed that I actually didn’t want to talk to them, not just talking about the vent stuff.

“ I apologize if I worded it in a way that made you think I couldn't handle YOU. What I was trying to say is that I couldn't handle anymore emotional drama right now than my own, which I think is fair. Since you deleted it, this is what I said:

‘Okay somewhere along the line I think I misunderstood what you wanted from me. I thought you were asking for advice, which is why i offered it. Since we're friends, I'll be honest with you. For about the next 3 days it's going to be super duper rough for me, and I've got a lot on my plate. On a normal day I would be 1000% down to listen to you vent and be a Supportive and Good Friend™ but I just don't have the mental or emotional capacity to do that right now. I'm sorry, I want to be there for u to listen to you vent, and you can totally lay it all on me like at any other time and I will be glad to hear it, but for now and the next 3 days, I just can't handle it.’

I was trying to say we should talk about only not-emotional things for a while, since, you know, my house is being ripped apart and I no longer have a car. And I also am trying not to bog my friends down with the fact that I'm in a Shitty Situation right now and I don't think it's fair to constantly be like This Sucks, so I was trying to stay away from emotionally heavy topics”

and they told me that it wasn’t the case. That the initial message was not the problem. Then why, in their massive plea to their followers did they lie and say I ‘didn’t want to deal with them?’

Their response:

“that's not why i thought you were mad at me. i understood that. you're situation sucks, i saw the pictures. so i understood completely that you didn't want to deal with the drama. i thought you were mad at me because when you did talk to a couple days later i wasn't feeling very good and i wasn't talking to anyone but i wanted to reply to you. after you didn't reply after i apologized i figured you had gotten super pissed that i wasn't being talkative. like we usually are. “

Here are the next few messages:

Me: I'm going to lot out of Tumblr for a while. You really really hurt my feelings. I understand there was a miscommunication but instead of talking to me about it, you posted about it on tumblr, which I saw on my dash just scrolling through Tumblr. I feel like I've shared a lot with you and now I feel very vulnerable, like if I ever am anything but 100% emotionally available to you, you'll blame me for things too. I'm just hurt. And I need to take care of stuff at the house, and I need time to nurse my hurt feelings

Them: i understand

3 days later

Me: I'm back on tumblr and I noticed you don't follow me anymore. why? do you still think i told people to unfollow you? that isn't true. I never told anybody anything. I feel like I also deserve an explanation. Why did you make a post about me, saying that I told people to follow you? I'm still following you, by the way. Unless you don't want me to, which is okay, I guess but kind of unexpected, seeing as I have literally done nothing to you at all, besides asking you to not vent to me for like 3 days. I just.. I want an explanation. And where do we stand now. Do you just not want to be friends anymore?

Them: i unfollowed you because i was sure that you had unfollowed me. and then when you came and told me you didn't i felt like if i had it would have made things worse, so i waited. the night you talked to me after the whole don't vent to me for three days thing you said "i guess i'll leave you to it." and i told you that i wasn't feeling well, also i was watching something. you never got back to me so i was like well shit i think i pissed them off. i didn't mean to i just did not feel good. so the next day i went to see if you still followed me, but this must be a sideblog or something because it didn't find you. i think that's what it does for sideblogs. so i did the next best thing, which was to delete our conversation and start a new one to see if it said we were still mutuals or whatever. it didn't say anything so i assumed you had unfollowed me (i lost like 3 or 4 followers that night and i thought you were one of them) so i was like oh damn i guess i did piss them off. so i went ahead and unfollowed. then in like the next day or so i lost like 20-30 followers. i wasn't posting any discourse or anything so i didn't understand why this mass amount of people were ditching me all at the same time. the only thing i could think of was that someone was shit talking me. (turns out it was an ex mutual that was trash talking me, but it wasn't you) so i assumed oh damn i guess i pissed them off really bad and they're here trash talking me. in hindsight it was stupid but my RSD was snowballing everything into a horrible mess. i thought i had pissed you off so bad that night that i wasn't being chatty. literally none of this had anything to do with the three days you didn't want to talk to me.

Me: okay, 1. please stop saying i didn't want to talk to you for 3 days. We already talked about this and established that I didn't want to talk about heavy things, aka venting--Not that I didn't want to talk to you. You told me that you understood this. If you don't then we can go through it again, but I never ever said that I didn't want to talk to you, and the fact that you keep saying that is really rubbing me the wrong way. 2. Cool. I understand your reasoning. I get it, I just took 3 days off myself because I was crazy overwhelmed. But you made a post about me, in which you are very clearly talking about me. Like, people asked me about it. In that post, you said I snapped at you, and you accused me of name-dropping you and getting people to unfollow you. Then, in the tags, you said that you never name-dropped me, and it's because you aren't "sheisty," meaning that I AM shitty for "namedropping" you, which I didn't do. I literally never did anything, and the post is STILL there 3. I didn't respond to you because I logged off tumblr. I started up a chat, asked you how your day was, you said fine? you? i gave you an update and said i had class tomorrow. You said "have a good day at school tomorrow" which is what people usually say when they say bye. So, i was like, alright, Lio's not in the mood for talking, guess it's time to go. 4. If you were worried I was mad, you could have just asked. 5. you have yet to say sorry. I dunno, are you sorry? like I didn't DO anything to you, Lio, and you even said it was someone else, yet you made a huge post about me which I saw on my dash because I'm still following you! It was a lot to handle, because I thought we were friends, and I was already dealing with a lot! It really really hurt me and it left me feeling vulnerable. I understand why you thought the way you did, but you still made a post about me that people could tell was me, because I got questions about it!! Lastly, this IS a sideblog, I have a personal blog, which is in my about and I have answered questions about and I don't give it to people unless we're friends because the Voltron fandom is full of nasties.

It’s almost been a week since I sent that. No response. I’m a pretty understanding person. If they had sent a message like “Hey, I want to keep talking to you about this, but I need a few days to get organized.” I would be totally fine. Also, I’m getting mad at this point, because they have yet to say sorry. The lied and accused me of doing things I didn’t do to get sympathy from their followers, and the post is still up. If they just literally talked to me about anything, sent a “hey, are you mad at me?” or “do you still follow me?” none of this would have happened. Keep in mind, I didn’t do anything they accused me of, and they realized that it was someone else.

So finally today I said:

Me: guess that's it, huh? never figured you for someone who wouldn't apologize. For clarity's sake, now I've unfollowed you.

Them: Just because I hadn't replied to you yet doesn't mean I'm not sorry or that I wasn't going to. But alright.

Them: Regardless, I am sorry for everything I did. It was stupid of me to assume everything and even stupider of me to air it publicly. No matter how upset I was or how how wholeheartedly I believed my own foolish accusations. You didn't deserve any of this and I'm sorry for putting you through it after that you've already had to deal with. It wasn't fair and for that I profusely apologize. You don't have to reply to this I just wanted you to know that I am sorry before all is said and done. Anyway, goodbye.

Somebody literally used my situation with Hurricane Harvey as an excuse to promo themselves on tumblr.

Literally all I wanted was a sincere apology, and maybe the post taken down or a correction posted because people who followed us both asked me about it. They knew who I was based on that post. It’s taken me a long time, and a lot of therapy to get here, but my therapist keeps reminding me that I have to value myself enough to demand acceptable treatment for myself. Wanting an apology is not unreasonable. Like, how dare you use my situation to promo yourself? How dare you claim I’m being unreasonable after going radio-silence on me for almost a week, with no explanation? (Again, I’d be totally cool if they needed a week to deal with other stuff, if they’d just asked).

I’m so mad. I’m seeing red.

My advice: Talk to people about how you feel and don’t make shit up about them. Be honest with how you feel and what’s up.

And last of all, don’t be a manipulative asshole.

#vent #update #hurricane update #manipulation //

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