hi!! i’m a classics major and am so entranced by your art and how you interact with history and literature, it really inspires me and expands my brain all the time. SO spicy.

anyways, I was wondering if you’d be comfortable talking a bit about your degree (s) and how they’ve influenced your artistic/critical analytical processes??

oh man, I have exactly zero degrees. like a true jester, I went to a trade art school, so I don't even have an art related degree, I've got a certification of surviving hell completion

the way art and history interact for me is that a lot of it circles back to trying to find ways to talk about something. history doesn't necessarily repeat, but it often rhymes, haunts, and cannibalizes. some eras of history are equal parts history and a stage, and a stage serves as a place to say something without necessarily having to be in it. the bossism politics of the philippines rhymes with the faction politics of the late republic more often than it doesn't. watching the marcoses crawl back into power was like watching the medici return to florence. duterte said he was like julius caesar crossing the rubicon, and over 6,000 were murdered under his regime. somethings are the same.

a lot of it feels like a puzzle, and I like it when pieces come together. more often than not, there's something current going on that prompts me to look back into history for something comparable, either as a stage, or just to feel like I'm not losing my mind, that other people had to deal with this shit too.

I was a teenager when the original assassin's creed games were coming out, and I used to go to libraries with other fans and we'd just sit in the non fiction sections and read everything that was on a shelf, and then go outside or whatever and start talking about where the games diverged from history and try to figure out what the next game would do based on whatever we learned. and I just kind of. kept doing that even when I stopped playing the games because the story sucked ass, but because there's already a second intersection of fiction working along side historical analysis, it unlocks a bunch of other stuff in the back of my mind while I take notes on something.

the gore you read in the thebaid reminds me a lot of imperial chines torture literature, and now we've got imperial horror and while we've moved out of the ancient Mediterranean but it's a whole body of work that I'm now looking at while thinking about rome, and somewhere in there, I'll probably find some literary theme that's cool and I'll start researching whether or not someone's examined like. the renaissance from that lens. what does the gore mean. what happens when history unfairly maligns and scapegoats someone. what happens when a foundational sacrifice goes wrong.

one of the most gut wrenching things I ever read was about how rome took any record of spartacus' words and buried it, and now I spend too much time thinking about what words we put in the mouths of dead people.

I’ve seen that post on here that’s like “What did they put in this game to make us all Like That,” and I think we’re all Like That about Disco Elysium bc we’re all hyperfixating on it because it surprisingly speaks to the chaos of living with ADHD. And we SEE that and feel seen.

- First of all, Harry Du Bois Adhd headcanons pop off hard, especially with the whole “I do speed to do detective work,” aka I need stimulants to focus, aka unintentional self-medication. Also the poor impulse control, emotional disregulation. And the voices remind me of the way my brain jumps topic to topic so I have like 4 ongoing topics going at once. Stereo investigations, thoughts in the thought cabinet, if you will.

- Additionally, a lot of interactions surrounding Harry’s memory loss even feel very ADHD. ADHD is a problem with working memory (attention/focus), which cascades into causing problems with encoding memories for long term storage. You can’t remember what you never even focused on. Because of this, being forgetful of things that seemed basic or obvious or easy to remember for other people is a staple problem for people with ADHD, and while the game is obviously much more extreme with total retrograde amnesia, I find that the game’s demonstration of “the people being frustrated or confused by basic things you’ve forgotten or misplaced” (and this being taken seriously as a Big Issue affecting your life, even if the others don’t take it seriously/brush it off) is very relatable and almost cathartic. Even if the only reason why it’s taken so seriously in the game is because you’ve just literally lost all your memory… and your gun lol

- Harry doing buck wild things to get results based on the conversations going on inside his head, which don’t get read to the outside world, is very relatable. Again, my brain jumps topic to topic so much that it’s almost hard to track the logical thread connecting the thoughts internally, much less explain them to another person at the same time. The “how did we get here, what exactly brought you to this course of action? This seems unrelated, detective” is very much a conversation I experience on the daily, whether with myself or the people around me.

- Kim Kitsuragi is the ADHD fantasy. @snowberry-pie’s got in one. He’s perfect for fighting off that executive dysfunction by helping you actually get shit done while not being suffocating/controlling/shaming about it. He sorta takes responsibility of you to help you take responsibility of yourself. He’s a body double, your partner in it with you. Lets you go on your barely related stereo investigations and indulges your inexplicable actions instead of controlling you, trusting that it’s part of the process lol. Offers positive reinforcement instead of using shame (like calling Harry a burden) to get Harry to focus on the case.

Disco Elysium has lots to say about how disability is exacerbated/unsupported by the system for a lot of characters, including Harry. Adhd fits right into that, especially with the ways an ADHD!Harry interpretation would highlight the understandable nature of his drug addiction (not only was it a way to cope with chronic pain that no one was treating him for, but also a way to cope with unmedicated ADHD).

Anyways I wrote this instead of writing my paper.

OC ASK (late) 29, 32, 39, 49 and 50? (jackdaw)

No worries! I'm legit willing to go as long as people send me these :)

29: Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they're going?

I know for a fact I've written an old version of Telysia doing *exactly* that so. So probably her. I don't think the updates/changes I've made would change her so far that she wouldn't go investigate abandoned buildings without letting anyone know. I think she'd still do that

32: Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

HMMMMMMM asha. for two reasons. a) arguably if it had gone differently her actual canon could be considered horror (given the demon possession. just happened that the demon was friendly, sort of) and b) because if we're talking post-azar for her it's because a good amount of her self-preservation has been sanded down by knowing and surviving azar. also i think she could win

39: Introduce any character you want

THIS HERE IS SAGE AND I RECENTLY REMEMBERED HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM. (I need to draw them a new ref cause the old ones are either outdated, have weird proportions, or are missing information):

they're (one of) my AHiT OCs but they're also the only one I've... written... anything about that wasn't... like. exposition? sort of? they're autistic and they spend most of their time in subcon's swamp and they love frogs and they're technically supposed to be dead. holding them up my beloved silliest guy

49: Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes

Azar I think. Azar would make a ton of them as soon as they, like, figure out the internet. or even just computers. they're a bit out of time. just a bit

50: Give me the good 'ol OC talk here. Talk about whatever you want.

BECAUSE I REMEMBERED ABOUT IT A COUPLE WEEKS AGO azar's adhd. azar's incredibly undiagnosed, unmedicated, unmanaged adhd. there is so much happening in their head at all times and they are constantly chronically understimulated and have been like this for a millennia. is it any wonder theyre chaotic? no. they have uncontrolled adhd and insane amounts of power with which to cause problems with. once they're living with asha post-story asha kinda looks at them and goes '...this guy probably has Something going on up there' but she also does not know how you would go about getting a diagnosis for a centuries-old chaos deity so they just kinda don't do anything about it. azar discovers energy drinks and this is the closest theyve gotten to medicating or managing their brain stuff for pretty much their whole life. they have a whole system to do necessary things like chores once they're living with asha and a lot of them end up happening at bullshit hours of the night/morning. asha has insomnia so they both just sort of work on a schedule which is shifted Hours off of "normal." asha's classes are either in the afternoon/evening or completely online. azar just doesn't sleep but they also straight-up dont have to cause they're, once again, a centuries-old chaos deity. they meet literally anyone else and its so incredibly obvious that the two of them are a little to the left but almost no one jumps to the (correct) conclusion of 'azar = khashya = a god/demon' most people just jump to the neurodivergent conclusion and they're fine to leave it like that (even if: it is also true). i think they're so funny

per your post "every single one of the monsters is autistic and/or adhd" will you elaborate on that?, if you do i will love you forever (not that i wont if you dont do it)

oh boy i would love to!!! unironically nothing brings me more joy than writing long, convoluted character analysis posts

---

okay so i’ve written several posts before about why andrew is autistic. his moral code, the roundabout way he communicates, his body language, his stimulation-seeking behavior, his strict adherence to transactional deals, the emphasis on honesty, and a dozen other details. at this point i just take andrew being autistic as fact, not just an interpretation

h o w e v e r  i also hc that andrew is dyslexic, which is also a neurodiverse condition

- - -

similarly, i’ve seen more than one person interpret kevin as autistic, and i absolutely agree that it fits. not just the hyperfocus on exy but mostly the way he communicates. he’s very indirect, especially in his affection but very direct with his opinions. he tries to be helpful in a material way to the people he cares about, even if he comes off as negative. he wants the people he cares about to be safe and successful so he pushes them to work hard and reminds them in measurable ways how to stay healthy. he doesn’t factor in a lot of room for emotions, so instead he focuses on quantifiable things that he can improve. i personally act very similarly. approaching someone emotionally is hard for me, so when the people i care about have problems all i can think to do is try offering solutions, check up on their well-being, etc. practicality instead of conventional sentiment is extremely common with asd

- - -

so now let’s talk about neil. i had to think on this one for a WHILE but ultimately came to the conclusion that neil is adhd, probably hyperactive type. 

like obviously neil is high energy. i would say he probably does the most exercise of anyone on the team. morning run, morning practice, afternoon practice, night practice with kevin and andrew, plus he doesn’t have a car so he runs to class (on a BIG ass campus), and goes for an extra run when he feels stressed. that’s... insane, honestly.

neil reminds me SO MUCH of this post that goes:

“Was just informed by my mom that I do in fact have ADHD and the reason I thought I didn’t was because ever since I was seven whenever I got super energetic my mom would have me go chop wood so now when I’m feeling The ADHD I go chop wood”

(phenomenal post) and that’s neil to a t. tell me this isn’t exactly how neil handles his problems and also exactly what mary would have had to do to keep her unmedicated and very energetic son focused on the task of staying alive

neil also definitely has that ADHD on/off switch with his interest. the obvious being exy which is like the definition of a hyperfixation, but you can see it in other things: the way he runs totally hot or totally cold with people, his complete disinterest in his schoolwork, the way he can’t seem to sit still long enough to follow movies. but then there’s also the hyperfocus. doing the same drill for hours on end. watching exy game after exy game. staring at andrew until time falls away

what’s more, neil on many occasions shows racing thoughts, both in an anxiety way (and anxiety often goes hand-and-hand with adhd) but also as a way to quickly and accurately take in details about people to build a character profile of them. this is what allows him to connect with the foxes, how he manages to get through andrew’s puzzles, and even how he knows what to say in order to knock riko down a peg. his brain just works so fast and it takes in a lot of very specific details and disparate information to make connections.

but also like,, neil has a HUGE problem with time blindness. like the instant he didn’t have his mother around to manage and direct him anymore he lost all sense of time. he stayed in Millport for a YEAR. and what did he keep telling himself during that time? basically “i really need to move on, but not just yet.” for a YEAR! then he gets to palmetto and he’s like “i’ll cut and run in a month or two” then he doesn’t “i’ll be gone by halloween” wrong again “i’ll leave by the raven’s game” nope. like,, the boy just has NO sense of time and he can’t seem to make himself DO anything outside of an externally enforced schedule. and even then,,, HE HAD 48 FUCKING DAYS TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TO DO TO NOT GET MURDERED! 48 WHOLE DAYS. he didn’t make a plan, he didn’t write down any letters with goodbyes, he didn’t GO TO THE FBI LIKE HE’D INTENDED TO THE WHOLE TIME! nah he just made out with andrew and when he finally got to zero he was just like “ah shit, that was fast. oh well guess i’ll die” and that’s time blindness, babey!

---

let’s move on to nicky. 

now i think it would be really easy to say nicky is just adhd because he’s high energy and forgetful but tbh,, i don’t think that’s all of it. like if you really look at nicky’s character and especially at his problems, he has asd problems just as much as he has adhd problems.

so nicky is dual diagnosis asd and adhd. also nicky reminds me a lot of a girl i used to know who was autistic/adhd

so, adhd:

very generally speaking, ppl with adhd will struggle with sitting still, listening to and following instructions, planning/organization, following a schedule, and some social boundaries like “appropriate” times and topics of conversation

i would say you see hints of this with nicky. he’s definitely a rambunctious personality, constantly on the move, constantly stimulation seeking. he’s very tactile. he likes to dance, he likes to party, he complains about it but he’s an elite-level athlete. he’s also decidedly very chatty, and doesn’t seem to really pay attention to what he’s saying. he distracts himself and the people around him have to keep him on track. he has some trouble with boundaries. he’s a little all over the place. he’s almost a bit of an adhd stereotype

also one thing i find interesting is that when neil sees him in the library doing work neil is surprised to see he’s capable of that, especially bc when we see the upperclassmen doing work they generally do it in their dorms or on the bus and/or with other people around. that hyper-social nicky would be alone in a quiet place is weird. but this is like the most common tip for dealing with adhd. don’t do it in a familiar space. have a designated space and time to do work. limit distractions. just a lil detail

so now, asd:

in all honesty, most of nicky’s actual problems in the narrative could be viewed as stemming from asd symptoms. his number one issue being that he has a lot of trouble with nonverbal cues (and tbh, verbal ones too). the twins are mostly quiet. andrew especially (when he’s sober) communicates primarily nonverbally, and nicky seems to have a lot of trouble with this. despite knowing them for the longest on the team, nicky honestly seems to have the least insight into the way either of the twins actually thinks or processes things. he loves them, and he’s very forgiving of them, but he fundamentally doesn’t understand them. 

the twins, andrew especially, put up a LOT of nonverbal boundaries, and nicky sort of inadvertently keeps trampling all over them. he’s touchy in a way they don’t like. he talks a lot about their personal lives to other people. he treats them like they’re joking when they’re serious. etc. and like,,, you kind of get the sense that the upperclassmen feel similarly about him. beyond the homophobia, beyond the fact that he’s loyal to andrew, the upperclassmen still treat him with this sense of,, bafflement, i suppose? it’s clear that they don’t really understand him and he doesn’t really understand them. although, nicky IS curious about the upperclassmen, while the upperclassmen are pretty dismissive of him. it reminds me of when my sweet, floppy dog tries to play with my cat. their body language is different; they’re each receiving different signals than they believe they’re sending out

only,, nicky loves people!! he likes being around them, he likes talking to them. he’s interested in their lives and stories, but it’s very clear that he can’t read between the lines on people. he has an incredibly hard time with people who expect their actions to speak for them, which is most people, but is especially his cousins.

actually this is very much also an issue that i have: things need to be spelled out for me. the way i deal with it is i ask a lot of questions. ‘how do you want me to react to this potential situation?’ ‘what are specific things that make you most comfortable?’ ‘please explain to me exactly how you feel and what has prompted those feelings?’ and i’m always communicating vice versa like that with other people. a lot of specifics in both questions and answers

and the interesting thing is, when i was skimming through the books reviewing dialogue styles for another ask, i noticed that, actually, nicky DOES do this. with neil and the upperclassmen, nicky asks a LOT of quick, clarifying questions. things that ask after tone, that ask after intent. it’s kinda sad that he does this for communicating with acquaintances, but with the twins, the people he’s closest to, he makes a lot more assumptions. and i’m really proud of nicky for having this coping skill, because i can’t imagine it’s something he grew up doing. there’s no way he was raised in an environment that fostered this kind of open communication so it must have been something he learned about much later, probably in germany with the kloses, which would also explain why he’s a lil imperfect about it

---

now last but not least, aaron

this is another one i had to think through for a long time before it felt like it fit

much like how i felt that it would be easy to read nicky as simply adhd rather than also asd, i think it would be easy to say aaron is autistic simply because he is quieter, less rambunctious. however, i actually think he’s adhd, likely primarily inattentive type

in all honesty, aaron’s #1 character trait for the first two books is basically that he’s disconnected. detached. separated both from his family and his team. not in the same forcefully apathetic way that andrew is, more,, spaced out. he’s just kind,, there. not really paying attention to what’s going on, tuning in every once in a while only if something really catches his eye/ear then tuning right back out again. just sits in his corner and plays on his phone. and the thing is, from the moments when he does tune in, you can tell that he actually does care. he backs nicky when seth insults him in tfc, and we know he cares deeply about andrew even if he’s become disillusioned with their fraught relationship. he even hangs with his family, doesn’t seem to really try and slip away to other friends besides katelyn, he’s fine spending his leisure time with the monsters. so it’s not totally apathy, he’s just,,, tuned out most of the time

and, yea, that sounds like adhd. it’s not the type that most people are familiar with, and for a lot of people this causes it to slip under the radar. it can make it hard to get help or a dx because it doesn’t fit with how adhd “should” look or how someone “should” act, but difficulty focusing your thoughts and staying in tune with the current moment is absolutely part of adhd

addiction is also a huge problem for people with adhd. a lot of stimulants affect people with adhd very differently than neurotypicals, especially in small doses, and an adhd kid who’s struggled their whole lives with the disorder might try speed or god-forbid meth or fuck even coffee and suddenly find that things are a lot easier for them. they start to self-medicate, they don’t actually know what they’re doing, and then they’re addicted, and everything spirals out of control. we don’t know too many details about aaron’s addiction other than that his mother enabled him, but wouldn’t this fit? it’s also an explanation for aaron still taking drugs at eden’s, given that cracker dust seems to be a mild amphetamine. (aaron talk to betsy about the neurocog and get an actual prescription please)

(total throw away but aaron plays videogames and videogames are like,, adhd culture)

To fakeclaim or not to fakeclaim: Why I think this goes deeper than a simple “yes” or “no”

TW/CW: fakeclaiming (duh), briefly describing a fear of causing accidents

If you have a short attention span, you may skip ahead because the first few paragraphs will be me explaining a bit about myself and why I decided to write this. I should strongly emphasise that this is my personal opinion as a neurodivergent. No I do not have a PHD, no I do not think that my words should be treated like a textbook. Just some thoughts of my own. Heads up: I have neither DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), Autism, nor TS (Tourettes Syndrome) a.k.a conditions that fakeclaimers believe “fakers” enjoy pretending to have. I am clinically diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and NVLD (Non-Verbal Learning Disability). When I use the term “faking” I am referring to the act of pretending to have a disorder in general and not faking any specific neurological condition. I originally intended to let this stay inside my head as a thought but it’s been a few days and it isn’t going anywhere. I feel like I have to say it out loud and I don’t care if no one sees it or sees it and thinks I’m stupid for having these opinions. I’ll confess that a while ago I subscribed to r/fakedisordercringe because I had heard that there was purportedly a rise in people faking disorders and as a neurodivergent I was fascinated and disgusted that people would perceive mental disorders as “fun” and “quirky” and turn it into an aesthetic which pop culture is indeed guilty of, my impression being that the subreddit would be aimed at calling out neurotypicals clearly proven to be faking. It seemed a nice enough place that could serve as a platform for neurodivergents to correct misinformation spread by known fakers and spread awareness and also had strict ground rules against doxxing, misgendering and direct harassment. There was an automod that would encourage users to NOT submit any genuine cases and to provide evidence of the person in the video faking their condition. I thought that the subreddit was well maintained and run for the first week or so I was there. Until I found a post containing a tiktok clip in which the person stated something along the lines of “walking in circles around the pole in my room is my favourite stim”. It was submitted by a user of the subreddit who described themselves as “diagnosed with autism”, and their argument was that “walking around in circles is not a stim” and that the person was “undiagnosed”. As someone with ADHD that has similar habits, I was confused as it felt very genuine to me. I replied that as someone with ADHD I exhibited similar behaviour and that the tiktok individual could be having ADHD, even in my comment I linked a WebMD of the medication I am currently taking. I reported it to the moderators of the subreddit under “bad evidence” and to their credit it was removed very quickly in under 5 minutes of me reporting it and slapped with the “bad evidence” flair (it could have been that others did the same) but in the time it was still up I was downvoted for my comment. This left me stunned and disheartened because I was under the impression that the users there were familiar with how mental disorders typically worked and that the majority of those subscribed are neurodivergent like me. That was the moment I began losing faith in it. The moment I was no longer certain they were 100% knowledgeable about the things they talk about. As soon as I was downvoted, I instantly went to check if “pacing around is a stim” because I started doubting whether what I am doing is what ADHD people are supposed to do. It made me question myself. And yet, I can’t argue that the subreddit has no purpose and that all they do is falsely accuse genuine sufferers. Because they have defended an individual from accusations of faking by other subreddit users. Because they have actually called out proven fakers like ticsandroses who earned money from faking tics and stopped spreading awareness about TS after they were exposed (correct me if this bit is wrong). Which is why I am still temporarily subscribed, and remaining cautious. Still, there’s now that lingering sense of wariness when a new post comes up: Is the person in the video actually a faker, or are they neurodivergents whose manifestation of the condition can be interpreted as “fake”? But I did have a realisation: Fakeclaimers and “fakers” (at least those who are really faking) are two sides of the same coin. They have the same problem. Both of them fail to view disorders as a spectrum, thinking that the behaviour of one member of the community is indicative of what the average sufferer should behave like. For “fakers” (again, those who are actually pretending), they take an extreme end of the spectrum as the “model” example, which is why some of the proven ones often can be observed to imitating the behaviour of well-known users that are known to actually have the condition when trying to create the illusion that they actually have it when they may not. (TheTrippyHippie is one of these genuine sufferers that documents what it’s like for her to live with her condition, Tourettes) They often set a low bar for the diagnostic criteria. “Blinking on the beat is ADHD!” “Shaking on the “my anxiety” song is an indication of anxiety!” “You like organising your snacks? OCD!”  And when I, with ADHD am unable to do these and am under the impression that people like me are SUPPOSED to, I can’t stop the thought that “maybe I’m the faker” from popping up in my brain. Why am I not shaking my hands to stim? I can’t focus on one song in this blend of audios but I’m apparently supposed to instinctively be able to do if I have the condition?  Fakeclaimers are the opposite. They often fakeclaim by downplaying the condition. “You’re faking because I know people in my life with *insert disorder* and I barely noticed that they had it while you’re trying to make it obvious”, “you don’t have it, you’re just neurotypical and acting out a tv show stereotype” or the one that hurts me the most “real sufferers wouldn’t be happy about their condition because it is the worst thing ever and all of them don’t want to have it and would pass their disability onto you FAKERS since you want to be neurodivergent so bad”, which I am often conflicted over because ADHD has its good and bad. On one hand the bad is really bad: The drowsiness I slip into when I’m unmedicated fucking sucks because it instilled in me a fear of driving because I always imagine myself falling asleep at the wheel and killing someone on accident, when I’m jittery and can’t sit still and my deadlines are running at me. But some aspects of ADHD can be really helpful like when I enter hyperfocus and actually get more stuff done than before, when new ideas rush into my brain out of a sudden and I’m overwhelmed yet happy. So to say that neurodivergents must resent their condition wholeheartedly makes me uncomfortable. I have a love-hate relationship with it but can’t deny that it has some hand in shaping my personal identity. To them, it’s fake because they think everyone should be on the mild end of the spectrum. Both of them don’t seem to understand that we all act differently. It’s a spectrum for a fucking reason! People who react more severely might not be fakers but be on the far end of the spectrum. People who barely react might be medicated at the time or having a mild version of the disorder. God, we’re not robots. Why can’t people just understand that? I wanted to argue for a particular side, but I can’t bring myself to do that. Not when either option brings about negative consequences and ultimately hurts people. I wish there was a definite answer. I wish there was a foolproof way to identify fakers and not drag actual sufferers by accident in the process. I wish there was a way to “just know” someone is faking. But there isn’t. But I hope that this rant on a hot afternoon in my country does add something useful to the discussion.

Do you have any adhd!Buck headcannons?

Hello Friend 🥰

I’m being dumb right now, do you mean headcanon in the sense of meta reasons why I consider him ADHD or headcanons as in how it shows?

Because I have both!!!

And they overlap a little, yay!

First of we have his love for carbs because I am assuming he is unmedicated and lots of people with ADHD self-medicate through food and specifically sugar (also known as carbs) (also tendency to impulsively eat)

Also sleeping around? I know I read somewhere ADHD people can have a problem with sex because sex takes focus which is something that really resonated with me but also - doesn’t have to be true for everyone, right? And honestly pilot!Buck was so impulsive when it came to sex!

Also his whole thing with regulating emotions? Very ADHD of him 🥰😍

Hmmm, what else?

I already mentioned him being bad at focusing on verbal explanations, I’m assuming he also has ... very little sense of direction? Like, someone will explain to him how to get from place A to place B and he’ll smile and nod along and just walk around the next corner because that person said like 5 sentences in a row and he stopped understanding after the second word!

But like, all the hyperfocusing in Wikipedia and Google, okay? Buck will google pandas for a school project for Christopher and suddenly it’s 3 am and he has to get up in 2h and he is knee deep in an article about the spanish-american war!

Also all his working out, he needs to work out to get rid of the feeling of restlessness that hits especially on slow days

Which is one of the only things he hates about being a firefighter that he is stuck inside a house if they aren’t out on a call because the restlessness is so much easier to deal with when he is outside, where the air is fresh(-ish) and he doesn’t feel the walls closing in with the need to move

Also based on all the skipping he does, less of a fidgeter and more of a constant dancer! There is always a song stuck in his head and while Buck doesn’t sing and can barely keep a tune while huming his shoulders shimmy along and his fingers drum and his feet walk to the beat playing in his head

(The need to sometimes do turns and shit is very hard to suppress at times but boy, Chimney - I chew gum to deal with MY ADHD - would have a field day)

Not sure if he ever got tested, because while he is canonicaly bad with authority (the SEALs) he never showed the “obvious” attitude problems people (teachers/pediatricians) search for when diagnosing children with ADHD, so either he had a lot of therapy (but Season 1 says nah) or he learned to deal in his own, meaning loads of internalisation of his issues!

And of course he likes video games because those are just perfect for people with focusing problems! So much happening! So many bright colours and so much movement but still designed to not cause sensory overload! He strives playing games!

Also the job? Great for ADHD! The adrenalin helps with the focus and his associative thinking and the fact that his brain is bad at filtering (meaning he takes in more at a time) makes him perfect for a cataloguing what’s going on and finding quick out of the box solutions

Anyways, I’d love to talk more about this, but sadly we are nearing midnight over here in good old Europe and my carriage is about to turn back into a pumpkin, soooooo talk some more tomorrow?

Anyways, I loved this ask!!!

Questionnaire #1

ADHD QUESTIONNAIRE

DATE: 11/6/17

FEMALE

Thank you in advance for participating in this part of my project, it means a lot! My senior art thesis is still in the works as of now, but I do know that I want to focus on the relationship I have with ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 6, (so young, I know!) I was fortunate enough to find a medication that works well for myself, but I still struggle with ADHD, especially when I am unmedicated, every single day. I plan to use these questions and answers as a way demonstrate that having ADHD can be both a difficult and wonderful gift to have. After doing research, I have decided that the next step for this project is to reach out to others (that’s you!) who have ADHD. The questions that I have typed up below will allow me to relate to others who have ADHD and to hopefully learn more about my own ADHD brain as well. *** Please note: some of the questions I will ask you are broad, and some are more personal. If you are not comfortable answering a question, please feel free to skip it! However, if you are comfortable, remember that the more you open up the better. Your answers will be kept completely anonymous, on this private document, and I will be the ONLY one who sees your answers. When you are done filling out the questionnaire, please email it back to me at [email protected]. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to message me on Facebook, or call/text me at (248) 762-2123. Thank you so much again!

1. How old were you when you first got diagnosed? Describe how you felt when you first found out.

I was 15 when I first found out, and I don’t remember how I felt. I assume I felt relieved because I always felt like I was behind in school.

2. Why did you get yourself tested?

I felt behind in school, and I felt like I couldn’t pay attention to anything for long periods of time and it was embarrassing.

3. One a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being very minor and 10 being severe, how would you “rate” your ADHD? Why did you choose that number?

I would say a 4, because I don’t take medication every day, but I definitely would see improvements in my attention during classes if I did.

4. Do you take medication for your ADHD? If so, which medication do you take and how much? If you don’t take medication for it, how come?

I take 20 mg of XR Adderall. And I take it before major exams or papers.

5. Did you make the decision to go on medication for your ADHD? Or did someone else make the decision for you? If so, who? (If you don’t take medication for your ADHD, please skip the next two questions!)

I made the choice to go on medication, but I also made the choice to not take it every day.

6. Do you have any side effects from your medication? If so, what are they? How does it affect your daily life?

I don’t eat, sleep, or drink when I’m on my medication. I almost feel like a zombie when I take it, and that’s why I don’t take it everyday. It makes me irritable, and I feel exhausted, even though I don’t feel the need to sleep. My friends notice a difference in me.

7. What words would you use to describe how you feel when you are medicated? What words do you think your peers would use to describe you?

I kind of answered this in the previous question, but I feel like a zombie. I’m constantly starring at something because of how focused I am. My friends would say that I’m extremely monotone and boring when I’m on my medication.

8. What words would you use to describe how you feel when you are unmedicated? What words do you think your peers would use to describe you?

I’m bubbly, hyper, and loud when I’m not on my medication, and that’s exactly how my peers would describe me. I come off as very approachable when I’m not on my medication, and it’s the version of me that I enjoy more.

9. What is one thing you wish others without ADHD would understand? (Feel free to list more than one!)

I wish people without ADHD would understand that I’m not trying to be annoying or loud… it’s just how I am.

10. Does anyone else in your family have ADHD? If so, who?

My mom has ADHD.

11. Have you had any relationships end because of your ADHD?

Not that I know of.

12. Does having ADHD affect your social life? If so, how?

I believe that some people think I’m annoying because of how hyper I am, but I honestly haven’t seen any obvious effects on my social life, and I feel extremely lucky for that. This may have been different if my ADHD was worse, but I feel like I have a good social life. If anything, it improves my social life because I’m so outgoing and friendly.

13. Does having ADHD affect your ability to preform well in school?

I have difficulty motivating myself to do homework when I’m not on my medication. I also have a hard time paying attention in class because I constantly have a million thoughts in my mind.

14. How does your environment play a factor when you are medicated? How about when you are unmedicated?

When I’m medicated I need to be in a quiet place, when I’m unmedicated, I need to be anywhere but a quiet place haha.

15. What distracts you?

Everything. Dogs. Smells. Noises. Pen Clicks. My phone. My computer. The weird mark on the wall. My split ends. My grumbling stomach. The conversations of my peers around me. Literally anything and everything distracts me.

16. How do you cope with distractions?

I mediate. I practice mindfulness in my everyday life.

17. How would you describe the conditions in which you keep your room?

An organized mess? I have things on my floor, but I know exactly where everything is.

18. What is one thing that people have told you about ADHD that you know is incorrect?

That it’s all in my head.

19. Do you feel different than your peers who don’t have ADHD? If so, how?

Yes, I feel like I need to try harder in everyday activities than my peers. My peers can pay attention without needing medication or without needing to meditate.

20. Do you have any friends that take ADHD medicine who don’t need it? If so, how do you feel about that?

Yes. It makes me feel weird, but I try to not judge others because I hate when I get judged myself.

21. What words would you use to describe your ADHD brain?

Constant activity. Creative. Crazy. Loud. Colorful.

22. If you could get rid of your ADHD, would you?

No, absolutely not. It has made me the person I am today. I try as hard as I do because of this condition that I have. I’m the articulate writer that I am because of my ADHD. I think of things others can’t because my mind works faster. I’m thankful for my ADHD.

**If there is any other information you would like to share with me please feel free to mention it in the space below! ****

Thank you so much again for taking time to fill out this questionnaire! Please don’t forget to email your answers back to me at: [email protected]

Interview #1 Transcribed

File: ADHD Story #1

Duration: 29:55

Date: 11/4/17

I asked if I could record our audio, and the respondent said yes. Then audio recording begins.

Me: My first question is, how old were you when you first got diagnosed?

Respondent: I was diagnosed in the second grade. How old are you in the second grade?

Me: 7 I think. That’s around the same age as me.

Respondent: Yeah. Second grade, they got me early.

Me: How would you describe how you felt when you first found out? If you remember.

Respondent: I had no idea what was going on. They put me on drugs right away too. That was super weird for me because I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t know what it even meant. They put me on drugs right away and then we just didn’t talk about it ever. It was just this thing I was kinda taught to just not talk about, I didn’t have it, it’s not something to worry about, just don’t deal with it. So I just didn’t worry about it for awhile because I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t know what would happen. We talked about it for like few minutes whenever we went to the doctor, you know? And it was like “how’s your meds doing?” and “oh I’m five” (laughter).

Me: So I am assuming your parents go you tested since you were too young to get yourself tested? So, what were the indications that you should have gotten tested?  

Respondent: Um, school. Being in school was hard for me. It always has been. I have never been a great student. Um, even to this day I am not a great student. I am doing much better but sitting down down is hard for me (laughter). paying attention to one thing at a time that is boring, you know? I never liked school, um I think it was my first grade teacher that was like “you gotta get this kid checked out” because I didn’t like her very much. She was fine, she was a great person but I just remember her being a very boring teacher, which you can’t be in the first grade. Like you’re going to go crazy, and I did (laughter). And I don’t know, I don’t remember if there was anything specific, I just remember I didn’t do great in school. And I was never, I don’t think I was a rough kid to have at home, but it was definitely school that was it.

Me: Also, if there are any questions that you are not comfortable answering, just let me know.

Respondent: Okay

Me: So on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being very minor and 10 being severe, how would you rate your ADHD? And why that number?

Respondent: I think it changes. Um, and I know that technically it doesn’t. But I think in high school I would have been like it’s just a 1, just cause it was not something I faced. Now that I am in college and that I am suppose to have a degree right now and I don’t (laughter), um you know I would say that my ADHD is a 7 to an 8 and it’s more because I’m facing it, I’m learning how to cope with it, how to deal with it better, work with it instead of against it.

Me: How so?

Respondent: Um so I was on drugs for a long time and then I just stopped. I’ve been unmedicated for maybe 8 years. And I recently just went back on meds, um different meds, and they’re working much better than anything I have ever had before. Um, my girlfriend is a woman who is very organized, and very much on top of her life. And so I sat down with her and was like “how do you do it?” because I don’t know where to start. And I am finding that things that she does don’t work for me, but at least it’s a start for me and I can change things from there. So, those are ways I am trying to work with it, instead of against it.

Me: So when did you make the decision to go off the medicine?

Respondent: Early high school. I switched from, they put me on Ritalin right away and I used Ritalin from like second grade through the beginning of high school. And then I switched to Concerta, which was the worst thing I have ever done to my body. And that includes all the binge drinking I did in college (laughter). It was so terrible, so then after a couple weeks of Concerta I was like I’m out, I don’t want this anymore. So I stopped taking Concerta in early high school and then I went back on, I’ve been on Adderall now, since July.

Me: I used to take Ritalin when I was younger and I hated it. Did you have any side effects when you were on your medicine?

Respondent: Um Concerta fucked me up. I was depressed, I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. Um, Concerta was just a disaster. Ritalin, I think I was too young to understand what was going on, and I was taking it for so long that I didn’t know what was a side effect and what was my life. You know? Um, the craziest thing about Concerta for me is that I am a person who loves to eat. I love food. I love food. I would sit there and I would like want to eat this food but I just couldn’t, and I just didn’t. It was the craziest thing. And then the sleeping, I just couldn’t sleep.

Me: Were you on a high dose?

Respondent: Yeah, I think so. I don’t remember how much I was taking but I think I was on a fairly high dose. Now I am on Adderall, the side effects are much more manageable. There are times when I can’t sleep. Um, my psychiatrist has suggested that I take my medicine 5 days a week instead of all the time. Just so I don’t develop a um um

Me: Tolerance?

Respondent: There we go, that’s the word. A tolerance to it, and so I take it um Sunday through Thursday and I take Friday and Saturday off.

Me: Is that a nice break for you or do you find yourself frustrated to be unmedicated?

Respondent: Both. It’s really a nice break when I am in a situation like this, a social situation. If I am with a bunch of people I love to sit down with friends and have a beer and I can’t do that on my Adderall, I have been told I should not drink at all. But then I sit down and I try to get some work done and it’s just the most frustrating thing for me is when I have my Adderall in me and I’m getting my work done, it’s just me getting my work done and it feels good. And then when I don’t have the Adderall it just reminds that like going back on Adderall was rough for me because I wanted to do the work. I didn’t want the Adderall to do the work. And it was so hard for me to get my brain around you know, this is me. And when I am not on my Adderall it is so obvious that I don’t know, it still feels like the Adderall is doing the work. And I am fine with that because I am actually going to graduate this semester. It’s still hard, I don’t know, it’s hard to try to get work done on Fridays and Saturdays and be like I need to get this done, but I can’t. You know?

Me: What are you majoring in?

Respondent: Music. I am a bass player.

Me: What are your plans after graduation?

Respondent: Well, so the reason I take my Adderall on Sundays is because I volunteer in a prison teaching theater and music. So when I graduate I want to start a program that helps released prisoners play music in communities they are returning to. And so the goal is, there are non-profits that focus exclusively on reentry, and so I would like to be hired by a reentry non-profit.

Me: That’s awesome. So what words would you use to describe how you feel medication?

Respondent: Um, hmm (long pause) it’s hard to put into a word or two.

Me: Or you can just use sentences

Respondent: Um, when I am unmedicated verses when I am medicated, lets see. If I don’t have any medicine in me, its very hard for me to sit in one place and complete one task. That is something that I don’t even have to think about when I am on Adderall. The biggest immediate difference is that I can sit in one place and do one thing.

Me: So this one might be a toughy, but what words do you think your peers would use to describe you unmedicated and medicated?

Respondent: (laughter) It’s kinda funny because I have been talking to my girlfriend about this. She can tell on days where I don’t take it and the days where I do. I don’t know, um sporadic? I have inattentive type, ADHD, and so it’s hard um sometimes she’ll ask me a question and in the middle of me answering it and then I’ll just forget what I’m saying or what the question is even. And so it’s very sporadic, all over the place I move around a lot.

Me: Going back to what you said before, did you have withdrawal symptoms when you stopped taking your medicine? Do you remember?

Respondent: I did.

Me: Was it horrible? What were your symptoms?

Respondent: It was frustrating for me because the side effects for a while, sorry the withdrawals I was having were a lot of the same side effects that I was trying to get rid of. You know, I was still sad, I was still not eating, I was still not sleeping and those were the things I was wanting to get out of with this Concerta. My withdrawals were very similar and that was very frustrating for me.

Me: How long did it take to get out of that funk? And did you go cold turkey? I’m assuming you no?

Respondent: I did. I was dumb. I didn’t really talk to my doctor about it, which probably was a mistake. I went cold turkey and I think it was probably a week or so.

Me: Wow, I couldn’t even imagine going cold turkey. My Concerta stopped working for me, and I was still taking it and it wasn’t working so it basically was like I went cold turkey and it was the worst. My body was also addicted to it, so I didn’t know what was my actual ADHD and what was the withdrawal. But together it was like “I can’t do this”. So I commend you for that.

Respondent: (Laughter) It was rough.

Me: What is one thing you wish others without ADHD would understand?

Respondent: (Pause) I didn’t forget about you on purpose. (Laughter) I have the best intentions to like “hey I’m going to call you later today so we can talk about this one thing” and I just don’t do it. I forget, something comes up, various circumstances. I didn’t do it on purpose, I am not ignoring you. It’s just, other things happened.

Me: Does anyone else in your family have ADHD?

Respondent: I’m not sure. Um, actually yes. They do. My uncles, I have two uncles that have it. I think my aunt has it too. I would imagine that my dad has it but he has never been tested and he does fine.

Me: Have you had any relationships end because of your ADHD?

Respondent: Um, yes but I don’t think I knew it. It was right as I was getting done with my Concerta and I was in this huge funk and I just didn’t know how to communicate. I just wasn’t communicating and I think that is why the relationship ended.

Me: Did you tell your parents you were going off your Concerta? Did anyone know?

Respondent: Yeah, my parents knew.

Me: And they were supportive of that?

Respondent: Yeah. I had been on it long enough that I think we were ready to see what would happen if I wasn’t.

Me: So does having ADHD affect your social life?

Respondent: Yeah. It affects my relationship right now too. Um, and things that continue to be a problem and that we are working on.

Me: How does your environment play a factor when you are medicated?

Respondent: My environment is less of a factor when I am medicated then when I am not medicated. Um, I’m a classic extravert. I love people, love to be around people. So when I am getting my work done I like to go to a place where there is people moving around because I am just comfortable there. But, when I am unmedicated it is also an ADHD nightmare. Oh everyone is moving around and I am not in my work. So when I am medicated I can go to a spot on campus that is really cool where there is a lot of people and its inside and I can sit there and be comfortable with all these people around me and I can still get my work done.

Me: What does distract you?

Respondent: People.

Me: Anything else?

Respondent: Dogs. I love dogs. Even when I am medicated dogs are the weakness. Love dogs, always have and always will. That’s the thing if there is a dog I have to pet it. What else distracts me? Um, I think those are the biggest things.

Me: Have you reached out to other people with ADHD? Have you talked to others who have it?

Respondent: Not really, I haven’t been able to find a very active community. Which I think is a little weird. But I recently found a set of videos “How to ADHD”

Me: Oh! With Jessica?

Respondent: Yeah! I just found them like last month.

Me: Did you see her TedTalk?

Respondent: Yeah that’s how I found her. It’s hard to find an active community with anyone I found. I don’t know, so no I haven’t reached out to anyone.

Me: I used to think it was an embarrassing thing.

Respondent: It is, yeah

Me: But I reached out on Facebook and got a lot of responses. I feel like it’s something people are more open to sharing now that they are older. Now that we have learned a way of living.

Respondent: Yeah, I agree with that 100%

Me: This one is random, but how would you describe the conditions of your room?

Respondent: A disaster. A disaster right now.

Me: It looks super clean, from what I can see.

Respondent: Well you are not looking at the ground. (Laughter) Even the desk around me, I have a book and two plates and a bag of trail mix. It’s just everywhere.

Me: Is it always messy?

Respondent: Um, no. If my girlfriend is coming into town I’ll clean it up. There are times where it’s just like alright I can’t do this anymore. If I have to wake up in the middle of the night and I trip and fall. I’m just trying to get to the bathroom but instead my knee is bleeding. (Laughter)

Me: That’s the breaking point?

Respondent: Yeah (laughter)

Me: What is one thing that people have said about ADHD that you know is incorrect?

Respondent: That it’s not real or just do it, you just have to try harder.

Me: Were your parents understanding when you were diagnosed?

Respondent: Yeah they were, that was never anything I got from my parents. They were very understanding, they put me on medication, they thought that would help. But they also were not vocal about anything. My parents like to have an exclusively positive environment. Which is good, but then we just don’t talk about things we need to talk about. Which, causes its own problems itself. They’re supportive of me, they got me the help I needed but then we didn’t talk about it in the house when maybe I needed to sit down and get my homework done and I couldn’t.

Me: Do you feel different than your peers who don’t have ADHD?

Respondent: Mhm.

Me: How would you describe that difference?

Respondent: Well, it’s not a conscious thing all the time. Like, it’s mostly when, so I’ve been in college, this is my fourth and a half year this is my last semester and so I’ve spent a lot of time in college without medication and that included study groups and projects and I’m surrounded by, luckily surrounded by people that want to do well and consistently do well in school. And as a person who is not that at all, it was really hard for me to join a study group or go to a friend’s apartment and sit down and work on this paper together or study for a test together, there was a lot. In music school we have a lot of listening tests and so they will play a selection of music and we have to know the artist, the year, the historical context and a fun fact. You know, we have a lot of those in almost every class for whatever genre we are studying. Those are great to study with other people because they can play it, and I listen and I can trade it back. It was so frustrating for me, who does not have a short term memory and these friends around me who do have a short term memory, and they can pick up on something so fast and I can’t. That was very frustrating for me. Cause then you can see an immediate difference, of you can get this right away and I have to take a few minutes.

Me: And don’t want to feel that difference, you want to feel the same as everyone else. I mean we are the same because we are still human, but we have our struggles.

Respondent: Right.

Me: Do you have any friends who take ADHD medicine who don’t need it?

Respondent: Um, yeah.

Me: How do you feel about that?

Respondent: Um, (pause) I don’t know. It’s not my life. (Laughter) that’s kind of it. I don’t know, I don’t worry about it too much. It’s not going to work for them as well as it works for me or you.

Me: Two more questions, what words would you use to describe your brain?

Respondent: Fun.

Me: Fun?

Respondent: Fun! I don’t even know what’s going to happen so that’s always a fun thing (laughter). Sometimes things come out of my mouth and I’m like “oh, that’s a funny thing!” But it’s also frustrating at the same time. You know? You get your days that are good and you get your days that are bad. You never know when you wake up in the morning what’s going to happen. I remember just sitting in class and going “I can’t do this today”, I even had my medication in me and it’s just not happening. It’s just hard to wake up in the morning and set yourself up in a way that’s going to be a good. Because you just don’t know what is going to happen.

Me: So my last question is, if you could get rid of your ADHD, would you?

Respondent: That’s a fun question. Um, I don’t know, that’s interesting because especially right now as I am learning to face it, and I’m learning to deal with it, if you would have asked me that question a few months ago I would have said absolutely, yeah get rid of it. I don’t love my ADHD right now, (laughter) but we’re on better terms. You know? Things are getting better. I think in the future, I hope, I would say no.