#also i am very content right now
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blep
#zenta howls#does anyone have any drawing requests#:P#also i am very content right now#my boss's boyfriend made birria and there were leftovers so now i'm just#eating food and chilling#the peak college experience#(ignores my 3 late assignments)#I can write 25 pages in 6 hours trust
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#something is very obviously different about these two compared to my normal images on this blog. i acknowledge this#also the sv model is Really good. and since they always stare straight at the camera anyway… and no one pays attention to the background…#and the only high-quality phantump model i could find was so horribly shiny that its eyes were just white voids#in my defense‚ phantump always just stare straight at you in game#the lighting is different‚ yeah. that's probably the dead giveaway. beyond the background. but like. i'm the only being on the planet who#really likes phantump anyway. i feel like it's a generally forgettable pokémon to most folks#phantump#HELLO this one is a weird one. i have some explaining to do. so when i did this one i didn't know how to edit models really at all#and when i got the models for these‚ the xy models were super shiny. shiny to the point that it made their eyes fuckin invisible#and i decided that since you could barely tell it was phantump‚ i needed a different way to get these images#i remembered that in the SV dlc‚ every time you find a wild phantump‚ it just fucking. stares. at you. and i was like. aha#i kinda remembered because of the test stream that i did. tumblr user alligayytorr (am i getting the right amount of Ys) said#“haha i am getting a sneak peek” when i zoomed the camera in on a phantump. and i remembered that. and i was like. i can utilize this#and ended up using just an in-game screenshot of SV in replacement of the regular content. later on‚ after that#once we got into gen 7 and it became less and less reliable to find models‚ i had to learn how to edit them manually to remove the shine#i am a software dev. not a 3d modeler. this ended up coming down to editing the code of the models directly (which i ended up writing a#script to automate). now‚ today‚ january 22nd (the day of me writing these tags and updating this post)‚ i remembered this post was in the#queue and was not normal. so i went back‚ ran the script on the phantump and trevenant models‚ and unshinified them#then edited these two posts to be normal. i have left the original pictures i took under the cut for reference and as bonuses#because i really enjoy phantump. so that's why those images are there‚ and that's why these tags are here#just for posterity's sake‚ the folks who come here mostly for my commentary‚ i've left the ORIGINAL tags of the post when i initially#made it with the SV pictures up at the top (i wanted to rearrange them‚ but tumblr makes that Very difficult‚ so i left them as-is)#so if these tags are confusing to read i Apologize. but i hope now that you're at the bottom you understand what happened#i'm gonna go edit the trevenant post now
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I've been reading the Percy Jackson books for the first time over the past two weeks! Just finished "The Battle of the Labyrinth" last night (which btw is my favorite of the series so far!!)
I have now gained a new obsession but it might not be what you think
#like i swear to god i did not expect to be absolutely enthralled by the protagonist's mom kahskahfjkaja#she's just so fascinating to me#she's so kind and smart and she has given EVERYTHING for her son okay#like her staying married to an abuser for years to protect him omg she deserves the world#like when Poseidon called her a queen in the first book he was 100% right alright she is a queen#the woman murdered her abuser with a monster's head LIKE THAT'S SO AWESOME#also i cannot explain how obsessed i am with her relationship with Poseidon okay#like. do i want her to still have feelings for him? yes. do i need poseidon to pine and long for her from the distance?? ABSOLUTELY YES.#like realistically it's more likely that be does not but I need it okay#like at first i wanted them to be reunited because you know. of course i did.#but i am perfectly content with her finding love and happiness with a mortal man and Poseidon pining for her from the distance#like listen. this woman is amazing and she deserves to have an immortal all powerful god unable to get over her alright SHE DESERVES IT#but the way he just showed up at Percy's birthday party and called her as beautiful as ever????? omg??? BECAUSE YES SHE IS#and she blushed??? be still my beating heart#kahskahfksja honestly laughing at myself right now like I'm just over here watching a Sally Jackson tele novela in my head#AND HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE#percy jackson#no spoilers please if you see this post i know very little about the story and I'm thoroughly enjoying myself that way#also jsut as an fyi i am also a little obsessed with Percy and Annabeth kajakshdjshsha they are too cute and intense#sally jackson#percy jackson and the olympians
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Even more Toge screencap studies — except for one(1) of the Toges 👀 which one could it be?
Bonus: Shoutout to whoever animated Toge popping his hip out in this shot. I know what you are.
#I’m trying this new thing where I put my posts in the Queue instead of just posting them whenever they’re done#which is I think what you’re supposed to do as a creator? so your followers have a better chance of actually seeing when you post? but also#i am very bad at waiting lol — and jjk is trending right now too rip (or it is at time of writing anyway„#which is 2 AM and therefore not a condusive time to just impulsively post actual content :’) )#update: i got bored and posted it anyway lol#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#inumaki toge#fanart#siphisketches#my art#artists on tumblr#csp#id in alt
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hm
I wonder if I'm getting a bit sick of star wars
like there are the things that make me happy about it, especially obi-wan and the prequels and tcw but also like
I'm frustrated about what they did with ahsoka, and then I'm also just not finding fic that I can vibe with and the fandom just feels so…empty?
which is wild because it's definitely got bigger since I joined, but idk, it just feels like in the obi-wan fandom circles, it just feels like it's shrinking. and I think part of it is everyone being really busy with irl things (myself included) and then whatever is left in the sw fandom in general is just stuff i don't vibe with
but then I keep seeing it over and over and over again so now it's just irritating to me
like. yeah there are ships/tropes that I don't vibe with at all and I usually try to steer clear of them when looking for fic to read, but these days it feels like that's all I can find. so now I'm frustrated and tired and not really getting the fic fix that I want
and normally my solution to this is to just write what I want to read, but I don't have the mental space to do it, so I'm just. stuck.
a part of me feels bad to complain about this, but idk I'm gonna put it out there anyways. it's just like the fandom feels completely different than it did when I first joined, or even like 2-3 years ago, and I'm not sure if I'm happy about it.
#i think a lot of this also has to do with being firmly in the post kenobi show era and trying to figure out how to move on from that#like i don't feel much excitement for any upcoming sw content now#that might change depending on what they announce yet but. idk the ahsoka series really put me off#like idk if i'll continue watching mandoverse stuff. kinda feel like i'm done with that stuff#i'll definitely watch andor s2 and i'll definitely play the third jedi game#and then when it comes to fic i think it'll help once i have the brainspace to write#but i feel like i'm right about finding fic to read#which to be clear is no one's fault exactly#people are gonna write what they wanna write and they SHOULD#but as a reader i'm also gonna read what i feel would appeal to me most#and right now it's very difficult to find anything that does#even when it doesn't feel like i have a lot of things that i'm looking for maybe i am? without realizing it at least#idk#anyways#i have a weird relationship with sw. moral of the story#pandora's ramblings
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Traditional art jumpscare🔪
Just finished sketchbook I started in Feb of last year, first and last pages
Unedited versions below:
#are my hands blue right now? yes#did i spend 4+ hours on this? yes#does my hand hurt? very much#I was feeling funky so i decided to draw newly creted moon deity as last page#also don't ask for sketchbook content i just sketch silly shit there and decribe my mental breakdowns#artists on tumblr#my art#original character#my ocs#art#traditional art#I'm bad at traditional art okay#also can you tell my violet ballpoint pen died for this along with blue one#moon's eyes seem so wrong when they're closed but they kinda should be like that#also first one is Varu i drew after mental breakdown from trying to work in call center#i am talking-on-the-phone phobic i will absolutely cry if i have to do it#don't question how Varu's hair works in any of my artworks his local nickname is rapunzel#by local i mean nobody calls him that but me#the improvement is cheek reduction surgery literally
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Bad news, got back from the vet and my beautiful baby son is going to have to be put down soon, probably tomorrow or the next day, so send him best of wishes for his next few days~ Luckily, he's actually not in a lot of pain (for now, hopefully he won't be) and is acting pretty normal, so I'm hoping he won't suffer at all and everything will be peaceful for him.
#pet death tw#death mention#let me know if I need any other tags#I would post something to help pay for his euthanasia expenses or etc. but I don't know of any secure methods#since I don't know much about stuff like that. I've heard that like on paypal and ebay and stuff people can still get your real name#and some information from their payment receipts or whatever sutff like that. thats part of why I've held off on selling clothes and sculpt#res for so long is trying to find a way to do it that's the most safe. aside from literall yhaving to start an llc and open a business bank#account and run everything on an entirely sepreate thing just so it has no association with my name and etc.#and obviouskly I don't feel like figuring out all of that stuff right now lol#I am busy just trying to make my beautiful meatloaf son comfortable and spend some time with him whilst I can#It's sad. but I'm glad the issues were caught before he was in terrible pain or anything. So suprisingly it was actually a pretty easy#decision. I would rather him go out while he's feeling okay and relatively content then wait until he's in severe#pain or extremely lethargic or etc. So it seems all very sudden but . It's better that way for him.#anyway#of COURSE this has to happen during a heat wave also.. hhrgghhh...#more fuel for my vendetta against summer lol.. Not that it's the season's fault but. something bad happening in the winter#vs. seomthing bad happening in the summer which just adds an extra layer of 'oh yeah on top of everything else#you're going to be sweating and nauseous and chronically uncomfortable!' is like.. >:T#Also for him. part of the issue is lung cancer which has spread and caused a bunch of fluid to build up in his stomach (which is what I#noticed. even though he's acting perfectly fine and normal his stomach was weird and bloated suddenly)#but if part of the problem is his lungs (which look absolutely crazy on xray) then him breathing in hot shitty thick air is definitely#not as comfortable as if he were able to be nice and cool and snuggled in some blankets. etc. etc.#ANYWAY ghhb... send him much luck and positivity!! Really hoping he can make it through the next day or so without#taking a turn for the worst. So hopeing for a peaceful quiet exit and not like tramatic sudden things. etc. etc.#cross your fingers pray to your gods whisper to the night sky so on and so forth. whatever you do that's meaningful to you.
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( •_• )
#Aight I'm no marketing strategist but like. It doesn't take a genius to see on my dash everyone going#“If there's not going to be new bsd content soon I'm just gonna drop it”#I really don't get why they went for this route. Oh well. *Goes make the bsd reread announcement post I've been procrastinating on making*#random rambles#Tbh I too have found myself a little tired with bsd but also.#Idk I like the fandom.#Even if I'm not as excited about it as I used to be right now it's still something that makes me happy to interact with every day.#I like the format. To an extent I also like not getting new content because it gives myself the illusion-#I will be able to focus on studying more (lol)#Or at least dedicate myself to other projects I've been wanting to complete#And one of the main appeals of bsd to me stays how the content is widely accessible.#Like I love p/p and I definitelly love it a thosuand times more than I do b/sd. I truly love that franchise.#But besides from watching the anime it's impossible to get your hands on the extra content (manga‚ novels‚ dramas‚ stage plays‚ fanbooks)#Which left me - archivist obsessed - just frustrated#With bsd aside from very niche things (I love you pricey fanbooks... )#Most of the main content is within reach. Man I was able to compile a magazines archive. I could have never done it with p/p#So yeah it's just. A space that fits my very specific kind of autism#Why am I even discussing this again?
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I feel that I have to put a message for incest/pedo shippers in my posts, because they just keep coming. Although I always thought it stupid to put those sentences, they don't make posts look good. But I am tired. Why are there so many and they don't stop coming?
#I don't know where to put my anger about everything happening right now so proshippers are a target in my blog now#also I am upset I can't block them so they won't reblog my stuff#they still can have my stuff#also discouraging seeing cool artists have that kind of content although it's old but I don't know#I am a hypocrite anyway: if I know that some cool creator is into that but does it rarely I will swallow the bitter pill and carry on#a bit worried that I may be so done to the point of losing interest in fandom (like it happened with the untamed fandom)#the downside of wanting more attention from fandom#my apologies for venting again#I can't find a safe place for my mind#with the brain like mine I can't even go touch grass in peace#in my defence those people didn't put warning in blog description and didn't put tags so they could be filtered#I think it's a basic respectable thing to do#also to mind my own blog description or pinned post where I asked them to go away#I understand that I am acting infantile#ah whatever it is a very minor problem truly#as I said I can't vent about all other things so I find a thing like this and bite on it
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On top of everything else right now, my brain is being very melodramatic about the unique pain of special interesting on a work of fiction while aroace, because I would currently like nothing more than to find some other people to follow for content related to the, like, primary thing keeping me sane through all this and maybe even some other folks to chat with about a thing I like, but the absolute minefield of trying to avoid blogs/discords/fic/etc with a shipping lean is. Impossible
#toh is actually especially plaguing me right now because with me relating to hunter so much and scribe really loving willow#i have an especially strong 'i would like to not see these two characters together romantically thanks' reaction#which has made for some not fun browsing :(#also it's not like someone else being aroace is a guarantee i'll like their blog#because i'm equally weird and picky about like. themes and narrative and etc#but that's why it would be nice if the content pool was just. a tiny bit larger#i knowwww this is silly to care about so much i am just very sad and lonely right now so everything is magnified x10 you know
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What's an identity but a lie?
(points at Velika) I've had enough of this dude
#bionicle#velika#humanized bionicle#random draws#gif warning#finished reading the completed version of The Powers That Be on mythsandlegacy.com! it was interesting! i will be ignoring all of the plot#especially in regards to lesovikk i Do Not See It. i am Looking Away. he is Contented and Taking A Break as we speak.#im sorry but when the character who hasnt had a shred of joy in ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS ends like That i say no thanks and turn around#but yes! velika was very interesting. disgusting little bastard. i want to squeeze his head in my hand#congrats to whiteheartlight for correctly interpreting artakhas characterization towards the nuva!#i will still forever read him as a distant estranged absentee father bc its funnier n feels more 'right' to me but congrats nevertheless#the red star itself was certainly A Thing. unfortunately my own idea of its zombies had nothing to do with what ended up being so... yea...#as i said! i am ignoring All Of The Plot#my city now#also fun fact i constantly forget Velika is not female bc his name aligns perfectly with common girl name patterns where im from. anyways#AT LAST I HAVE SHED MY CHAINS (used a b*tim song in a non-b*tim context)
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anyone else get self-destructive when they are bored because at least feeling like shit is more engaging than feeling nothing?
#I'm trying very hard to stop myself from going down some very stupid rabbit holes on tumblr right now#but it is only kind of working#I am also stressed about finding an apartment and figuring out signing up for classes in the fall#which isn't helping#I was FINE this morning#I was thinking about my swtor character and her backstory and her old master#and it was great!!! I was having a good time!#but now I'm at work and can't focus and really just want someone to do like oc lore/rp for swtor with me#but again. I'm at work. and I don't know of anyone who would want that (unless you do jess)#(but I didn't think you were all that interested/enjoyed rp that much)#also. I would like to just dress up as a jedi and pretend to be one irl#and I can't do that#I should make a jedi cosplay honestly#do I get tik tok again just to see if there are people on there making jedi oc rp content#no. I shouldn't. but what if they are???????
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i need so much time to process the information i have encountered today. i'm gonna be away for a bit.
#sunrise thoughts#i do not have the stability for this.#call me a coward and an imbecile who fell to parasocial relationship stuff i get it i get it#also people keep saying to not speculate but they're doing so so much speculating and i'm so confused and lost#and i'm aware i should watch shubble's stream and such#but i am not stable at all. i am not capable of watching something that will deeply fuck me up.#i'm not ready and i don't think i will be ready for a LONG LONG while.#if you follow this blog or/and you're my friend you know why.#i am so so sorry for shubble and what she went through is horrible and i'm so fucking sad for her#but i cannot process some of the information that's happening right now.#i am aware shubble has decided to not share names for her safety which i very very much understand.#and i know when i say this it's extremely selfish and so fucking bad but i am begging i am genuinely begging#that everyone who seems to have 'guessed' who the abuser is to be wrong#i know it's extremely bad to say#but i am entering denial mode of the grief processus right now.#and like i said. i will need SO much time to process things.#i've had such a massive special interest on this man's content since 2021. it is my strongest special interest ever.#a literal pillar of my life is crumbling down in a completely unexpected way#so please don't yell at me for not being able to watch this stream and such#i need time#plus the topic is very very sensitive to me for personal reasons too#anyway. that's all i will say. and i said way too much already.
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I feel like I want to go home but I don’t have one of those. I want to be near my best friend. I’m frightened by rampant and violent transphobia in our culture. I’m somewhere safe and secure but I feel vulnerable. I want to hide. I want to be left alone. I want to be near others. Everyone is so distracted and overwhelmed by life. I feel invisible. I want to be held.
#this is goggles#that’s the crux that never quite goes away#I want to be held so very much it’s like the thread my sanity hangs onto#I miss my habibi#but I also feel like I’m starting to get overwhelmingly needy#I feel like I need to be more aloof as not to be demanding and bothersome#I get more obsessed with partners way more than they do me and it’s just like a recurring thing I know I have to dial back to be paletable#it would feel nice to receive the kind of obsession I dish out#I don’t quite understand why I’m so different I kinda hate it about myself quite a lot#I just want to be held everything melts away into quiet peace when I’m held but just laying around snuggling for hours is massively boring#my body hurts so much less it’s like signifigant I don’t understand why it’s so signifigant#my right shoulder and my lower ribs and my neck especially#I wish my body wasn’t like this it continues to feel like a character flaw that I need to overcome#I want to find a doctor I can trust again but I’m more than a little bit overwhelmed by the prospect and mistrustful and vulnerable#Find some kind of magical way that I can make my body quit hurting#mend where I broke my ribs a couple years ago and find the source of the mystery organ pain and whatever happened to my shoulder#I wish I were building a house right now with funky 70s interior design#I wish I could afford to build a house#I wish I could force myself to just shut up and work some shitass job doing nothing of use like trading stocks and make bank and build#I feel antsy like I want to run again but I don’t actually I am perfectly content vibing right here#I can’t just keep running espesh with the fucky paperwork on my van#I am so tired of driving it’s so stressful#the road trip out here was notably brutal on me in a way no other road trip has been before#I miss my best friend I’m trying so hard to be patient for their arrival here#but some gnawing anxiety in my brain worries that they’ll put it off indefinitely and eventually back out#my own insecurity screaming that I’m not worth the massive life altering changes that moving out here with me would bring#my insecurity screaming that I’m not good enough#screaming that I’m too difficult and needy and strange and clingy and demanding and ill put together and chaotic and messy#I feel like I’m barely keeping it together I feel like I’m always teetering on the edge of total and complete life shattering failure#Like everyone around me only barely tolerates my presence and will throw me away and chase me off on a whim
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the best part about super mario rpg on the switch is that i can play it in bed or on long car trips
geno and i will never be apart again
#DCB Comments#what did you think that last post abt it was the last i would say abt it. haha you're a silly goose :)#i can play fe7 in the meantime while i wait but it's gonna be the longest wait in my life lbr#I KNOW I KNOW I'M A FIRE EMBLEM BLOG BUT. LIKE. IT'S SUPER MARIO RPG I HAVE RIGHTS#I am also curious how long they took to make this bc for example the ToS port was trash lol#but this game looks like they actually took their time with it and cared abt it#ig they only rly do genuinely amazing work on the games they expect to sell well and shrug their shoulders at other stuff#kinda sad for the ports of other games but this remaster looks like actually gave a shit abt the final product#AND YEAH I'M STILL AN FE BLOG BUT UH... EXPECT A LOT OF SMRPG POSTING AT THE END OF THE YEAR#i don't think you understand my buddies that was my fave game as a wee little t'ing#and in recent years i have listened to the soundtrack regularly. i do not mean once in a while#i mean REGULARLY. i have spent years BEGGING for them to at least put on the online services#not to say i can't just play it WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT BC I LITERALLY OWN IT AND AN SNES LOL#but it's VERY SPECIAL to have it on the switch as well. also now the modern gaming world is going to be#relentlessly subjected to geno content and crazed fans like me and i think that's just wonderful :)))#anyway SO YEAH EXPECT A LOT OF SMRPG POSTS WHEN THE PROMISED HOUR ARRIVES#I don't currently plan to go full multi fandom but I've considered sprinkling my other interests#with FE still being the main focus of this blog bc at this point it's still my main thing with an active fandom#ALSO DID YOU KNOW in fact no you didn't bc i didn't ever talk abt on this blog but#i was considering cosplaying geno to the very last con i went to in 2019 (haven't attended one since)#if it turns out i end up going to my usual con next year maybe i'll try again! i have mikey planned but i can add another outfit!!!#did u also know that growing up i had zero idea that geno was so popular like i didn't know until the internet was cool and all#and then i found out that everyone else loved him too and i was very surprised to see how popular he was#but also was like yes rightfully so
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oh yea i forgot to tell my tumblr girlies that i finished rod's route today which means i'm officially done with playing lisa for now ! i dont really feel like doing joyed route variants [too much branching for me. also i beat hardest rider on pain mode first try so it would be. so easy] and i got all 5 joyless endings so that's satisfying enough for me :]
#i missed some items here and there in my playthroughs but thats alright <3#my goal was all joyless endings and i didnt rly have anything planned after that#i still have my sportsdome pre route save in case i wanna do any of the joyed route variants#also the legendary 50 jerky save in case i wanna try fighting hard rider with cyclops#maybe not now since i have some other games i wanna try but who knows !!#overall. absolutely INCREDIBLE game im so impressed with how much content they stuffed in a free rpgmaker fangame#the difficulty level is just right to give you a challenge and not keep you bored while still being very manageable-#-even without the best items. pain mode is a bit more of a challenge#but once you get a hang of it and manage your party well it becomes really really fun !!!#cant say thats the case for the regular pain mode routes but rods route was incredibly fun#overall i had SO MUCH fun with this game i am so so excited to start the painful when i get it for my bday#AND the joyful as well !!#also i saw that theres a mod putting rods gang in the joyful instead of buddy and when i finish the joyful i REALLY need to try it#overall. good gaem. 11/10. one of the best ones ive played
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