hey maple! I was wondering, do you have any book/fic/story recommendations? ❤️

Hoo boy, I can certainly offer some! I’m more well-versed in fanfics than actual books but I think I’ve stumbled across my fair share of good fics over the years.

Also I’ll warn you this’ll be long.

Cycle by RoseGarden

Hot. Damn.

If you’re a Fire Emblem Awakening fan there is not a fic I can recommend to you more than this one. Cycle is easily in my top 5, no top 3, heck my absolute favourite story ever. The updates are slow - I started following it in 2016 summer at Ch 44, and the latest chapter was (at posting) 55 in 2018 winter - but this is not a complaint. This delay is understandably so because these chapters fucking deliver. Each chapter averages about 10,000-25,000 words (by my rough estimate - chapters tend to include a lot of reviewer replies from the author). This is honestly my current inspiration, and has been since I found it. I dream of writing like this one day. I cannot express how much I love this goddamn story.

Okay enough fangirling, time to buckle down to the content. From the beginning, it seems like your average but well-written insert - Robin is an FE fan and baker from the real world who wakes up to find Blue-Haired McGee and his motley crew with no idea how she ended up in the field in Ylisse. But you find out pretty quick that things aren’t quite what they seem. Mysterious unfamiliar characters are popping up, some people know more about events than they’re letting on, and Robin’s gotta figure out all this shit while dealing with her own missing memory and the responsibilities that come with playing tactician for a nation going to war.

It’s amazing. It follows along Awakening’s plot, but honestly I’m on edge the entire time, I don’t know what’s going to happen next. The worldbuilding is hefty and incredible and really brings the world to life. The character interactions are gorgeous. The characters themselves are gold. One of my favourite things is that each character has a clear and defined voice - even if there’s no narration to say who’s speaking, you can work it out by their words and tone. The character interactions are charming and even if the ships aren’t your favourite or usual cup of tea, they’re all so genuine and they work. Robin is different from what I think is the general depiction of canon Robin in fics, she’s pretty crass and blunt and the Earth culture she and the readers know shows, but she certainly stands out as her own personality and still fits in well with the Shepards. She’s also got her own issues and problems and she makes mistakes so that’s fun.

Oh, that reminds me, also be prepared for a heck ton of feels. Laughter and heartbreak in equal helpings. Always a good time.

Queen of Hearts by Circuit

One of the first, and one of my favourite, Persona 5 fanfics that I’ve come across so far. Queen of Hearts retells Persona 5 but with Makoto Niijima playing the role of Wild Card. The change in protagonist brings a few new interesting changes, the big one being the Confidants Makoto hangs out with, including people such as Shiho and original characters in the Student Council. It’s cool to see the changes caused by a Makoto-led Phantom Thieves and also the struggles she herself has with being in that position of leader.

This feels small in comparison to the wall of text for Cycle, so I’m just gonna throw in another P5 fanfic, Crimson. This one’s closer to a retelling of P5′s canon than Queen of Hearts but tackles it with a lot more realism of kids messing with the law and the big bads of P5 and includes quite a bit of Questionable And Morally Ambiguous Choices:tm:. It’s one I’m honestly losing a little interest in, hence why it’s only got this small section here, but it’s still a good fic. I remember liking the beginning and certain scenes that are thrown around here and there, but this fic starts off pretty depressing and gets even more morally ambiguous in more recent chapters. Still a good read. Queen of Hearts is just a lot lighter in comparison and that’s why I recommend it a little more.

Worm by Wildbow

Okay this one’s a little different but hear me out. Technically a web serial, Worm is an original story written on Wordpress. I found it when I read a crossover between it and Okami (also a good fanfic in and of itself, has a pretty different tone from Worm but it’s very entertaining. I’d recommend reading Worm first though since I read the crossover first and, it’s fine to read through itself, but I understood some of the details and nods only after reading Worm). Honestly, I’m still not done with Worm. There’s a lot of story to get through. But what I’ve seen so far is pretty interesting.

The story follows Taylor, a teenaged girl with superpowers, called parahumans in this universe. It starts off pretty dark, though, and honestly it stays that way. Taylor’s bullied at school and feels pretty shitty, but she wants to be a hero. So one night she tries her hand at some vigilantism. Result? Nearly gets killed by a superpowered gang leader, gets saved by a small group of supervillains her age, they think she’s actually a supervillain too. They offer Taylor to join them and she figures it’s a way to go undercover, but over time she faces an internal dilemna since she finds herself actually enjoying their company.

There’s more to the story beyond that. Like I said, I’m not actually done reading it. There’s like 30 arcs, with each arc having about 8-10 chapters, each chapter about 5000 words?? and I’ve only read up to Arc 11. It’s an interesting take on a superpowered world, though, where villains aren’t so evil, good guys aren’t so good, and there’s a whole lot of morality and gritty details that come with it.

Through Her Eyes by Peroth

A RWBY fic that actually has a remastered version currently being written. The story’s about a Ruby that actually has a different semblance than the one we’re used to. This Ruby has the power to summon Grimm - and that’s it. She can’t control them whatsoever. This leads to Ruby being stuck at home for most of her childhood and gives us quite a different personality than canon Ruby - she’s a lot more shy and nervous around people and usually speaks with a stammer. Still the badass little scythe-wielding Grimm slayer we love though. Ruby’s also got eyes pretty similar to Salem’s, which also come with a fear factor, inciting primal fear in anyone who looks at her eyes, which means she has to wear big goggles.

So there’s a lot of changes, but it still mostly follows Volume 1. Ruby goes to Beacon because she still wants to help people -  with some focus on the catchup work Ruby has to do as a result of her missing school as a kid - teams up with WBY, makes friends with JNPR, usual kind of stuff. The original fic ends where Volume 1 ends, but I can’t say what changes the remastered version will bring. It seems to mostly be following the original with a few details changed or added, though. 

The Shrouded Throne by Iburtide

Okay yes it’s another FE Awakening fic, sue me I’ve been through a massive FE faze. Chrobin is near and dear to my heart. Iburtide has actually written more Chrobin fics, both male and female, but I admit I’ve only read this one, The Heart of the Moon which is also a good one, and Crown of Shadows which is almost the same as Shrouded Throne but told with Male Robin (and also explicit so u18′s don’t look at it you hear me).

So Shrouded Throne (and Crown of Shadows) tells the story of a Robin who fled from a Plegian civil war to request aid from Ylisse. By the time the story starts, they’re in the employment of the Shepards, and after some words shared during a battle, Chrom offers to get Robin an audience with Emmeryn, which pretty much kicks off the story. Kinda follows Awakening’s plot but Robin knows they’re from Plegia and the civil war is between Gangrel and Validar.

I guess I’ll talk briefly about Heart of the Moon too since I mentioned it already. The Shepards get sent out to a village where a monster is stalking the woods. When they meet the creature, Chrom gets challenged to a hunt, one-on-one, with the beast. In the middle of this, Chrom comes across an old abandoned castle - or not quite so abandoned, as a young woman lives there, one who claims to be prisoner to the beast.

Both fics include fun new things like Henry being Robin’s little brother - not by blood but their relationship is cute and precious and gives me new life - and a normal Grimleal religion practiced by normal people and Validar just takes it to an extreme.

Those are a handful of ones I can recommend. I read a lot of fics though so I have skipped over some of the ones I wouldn’t say are my favourites but are still quite high on my list. These are all also multi-chaptered fics, a few of them being unfinished as well. There are more fics I wanted to talk about but they’re either one-shots or don’t have enough chapters for me to definitively recommend them. I dunno, if people want more recommendations or recs from specific fandoms like DR (which surprisingly I haven’t touched upon at all, wow it’s been a while since I’ve read a dr fic), I could do another post or something. One covering a lot of one-shots or short stories, but not speaking in as much detail as I have here oops somebody gets distracted and goes on tangents

OH AND BOOKS. Quick book recs are Percy Jackson and How to Train Your Dragon. I’ll be honest, I don’t read a lot of books these days. And I think these are popular enough that they don’t really need a big ol’ explanation from me.

Hello dear! May I please have a Hunter and Survivor match-up please? Also if you'd like i'd be more than happy to match you with a hunter and survivor as well! Anyways, I love your blog and your writing! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

Zodiac sign: Leo sun, Aries moon, Leo rising

Personality Type: ENTP

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Straight (For now might be bi but i'm going with straight)

I'm 5'4 and I have a very tiny body frame so i'm extremely petite and pretty small. I'm not very curvy and I literally have the body of a cereal box...lol but its fine because I have nice hips and thighs. I have thick brown hair that goes down to my back and it gets tangled pretty easily but its kinda fluffy. I have brown eyes and tiny freckles all over my face and body. I also have a very strong grunge style, like Flannels, band t-shirts, combat boots, leather jackets etc. But i'd also always enjoy a nice oversized sweatshirt or hoodie with a pair of skinny, ripped jeans and some converses or something along those lines.

For my personality.....this is where things get interesting. At first people find me very intimidating due to my resting bitch face and cold exterior but I promise i'm not like that ALL the time. When you get to know me, i'm goofy and about everything that comes out of my mouth is sarcasm or some dry humored joke. I'm also that one friend in a group where they literally will do the stupidest shit ever like for an example one time it was super dark outside and my other friend was there, while I was trying to climb a tree and I failed and fell out of the tree, and landed on my back. I got straight up after that somehow it didn't hurt.....like at all? But yeah i'm super reckless and sometimes people have to save me from myself if you get what I mean. I also have a very strong "I don't give a fuck" attitude and I will not hesitate to stick up for myself or my friends....like i'm the type of person where if someone glares at me, i'll glare right back.

I have bad anxiety and I can be very self destructive. This is where my feisty, stubborn, hardheaded side comes in. If I want something then i'll fight for it even if it hurts me and i'll get into a bad cycle of putting myself down and trying to do better even if I did great the first time but I always push myself too far and other people have to stop me because I usually can't see it when its happening. I also cover my emotions up and I have a lot of trouble talking about whats bothering me or what problems i'm having emotionally so I put up a wall and I act tough, or happy and sometimes i'll be the exact opposite but I try to hide it.Weird things about me: I've grown up in the south all my life so sometimes when I talk a few words they'll come out sounding WAYYY more country and southern then I wanted, I don't have an accent but sometimes my words just come out that way. Sometimes in the middle of the night you can find me just staring at a wall or something because I can't go to sleep.....I have trouble sleeping.....

Things I like: I love swimming (I was on a swim team for about 9 years), I love horror movies, I like rain and the sounds of thunderstorms because its calming to me, I also love the smell of rain, I like cloudy days, cooking, listening to 80's and 90's rock but mainly 90's because 90's is the best, My favorite bands are Bush, Audioslave, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Linkoln Park, Pearl jam but i'm pretty open to anything.

Things I dislike: Spiders.......I will scream if I see a spider.

hello! tysm for requesting, love! and you can of course :) ty for the offer btw, that would be lovely! also I hope you have a wonderful day/night as well <3 hopefully you enjoy all these hcs, dear ♡

I ship you with....

joseph desaulnier

so, I think joseph would really like you :>

joseph is one of the shorter hunters, so you being very small makes him lowkey excited

he loves letting you rest in his lap. he marvels at how small you are and how cute you look!!!

joseph gets the whole resting bitch face thing. he is told quite often that he has a bad case of rbf lmao

he also thinks your hair is really pretty, and if you're alright with it, he will offer to help brush/comb it for you or even style it. he is surprisingly good with hair. his hair isn't just fluffy and silky on its own, you know.

also joseph is pretty good at keeping you from doing like absolutely crazy stuff. he will make sure you don't get hurt, but the second he think you might he's gonna be yelling at you in french to stop or running to try and protect you from falling

and if you do get hurt, he is the first to provide you first aid. the whole time he is blushing and cursing under his breath. he is surprised by how bold and reckless you can be.

he loves your spirit and enthusiasm, but for the love of god, please be more careful

also, joseph loves your dry humor. he laughs at all your jokes. even if you're in matches and he is supposed to be serious

joseph also has a pretty "idgaf" attitude, so you guys will get along well. he is willing to fight for something he believes in too.

joseph isn't the best with emotions either, but this gives you both an opportunity to work together at it.

you both agree to come together and share what you're comfortable with to try and figure things out. tbh he is more likely to provide you with advice rather than consolation.

he thinks your accent is really cute, and teases you for it sometimes. but he actually thinks it's adorable.

also he will help you fall asleep by stroking your hair, reading to you, laying by you, etc. he is very comforting surprisingly

joseph is also probably scared of spiders but he will toughen up to get rid of them if you need him to.

(if the spider is scary enough though, you'll be hearing swearing in french and seeing another hunter coming to deal with it lmao)

I also ship you with luca balsa!

luca and you would be cute together!

he thinks your height is adorable, and he likes how small you are when you stand together

you're not too much shorter than him (only 3 inches or so) but it's really cute to him that he can lift you up and stuff or you can sit in front of him and he can lean on you.

he likes to be alone usually when working, though he wouldn't mind if you were to lay on his bed or sit on his lap while he works, but he needs you to stay safe so you're wearing a heavy coat and safety gear lmao

he thinks your style and rbf are adorable. you're not intimidating to him, so he thinks it's funny

luca also enjoys your humor, and he finds it relatable. he always laughs at your jokes, even if you make them at bad times

luca has similar habits to you though, which makes it easy for him to spot them in you and stop you quickly before things get bad

he himself is pretty reckless at times, but, he will admit, he is a hypocrite and panics when you do something dangerous, but turns around and works with dangerous equipment

you're both not the best with emotions, but he does his best to help you. he might not be the best at consoling you, but he will do what he can to make you feel better in his own way

he might tinker with stuff to improve it for you, or try to give you helpful advice

luca would think horror movies are super neat, but he analyzes them fast, and knows all the twists and turns. he still jumps though

he likes your accent and thinks it's pretty cool! he doesn't hear many southern accents, so he finds yours very neat and soothing to listen to

luca will take the time to help you fall asleep if you can't. he has some trouble falling asleep too, so don't be surprised if he accidentally passes out on top of you once you're asleep.

he isn't a fan of lightning and thunder, but some gentle rain and pretty clouds are lovely in his opinion :)

luca is also an entp, so you two would have plenty of lively debates lmao

Undertale is owned by Toby Fox

Sooner or Later You’re Gonna be Mine is written by Staringback.

TimeHealsTale - Still a WIP by me.

Meet my undertale OC from TimeHealsTale which is an AU living rent free in my head. They are a canon MC that replaces the real Sans (age 5) after he got dumped into a tub of Void by Gaster to be forgotten.

Name: Comic Sans Du Font (Comic/Komi)

Age: 22 (5 years younger than canon Sans and 8 years older than Paps)

Job: Monster Healer that does House-calls. (Not a Judge; Sans disappeared because he was a Judge)

Profile in Game: Toriel’s Contact, The Smuggler, Summon Healer (after befriending; limited to 5 calls (diff. work phone no.); rapid calls will assume it’s a prank and not be picked up for a certain period of time.)

This is not her usual outfit but I just really wanted to post it.

In my head, the scene goes …

- she fell into the void trying to pull out a deformed still 5 years old Sans when she was going through her father’s stuff in his lab dungeon. (Occurred after the barrier broke)

- Sans was in a mega huge test tube floating in pitch black Void essence (frozen in stasis as no time passes through Void), so she couldn’t see anything or knew he was inside. Only after she accidentally tipped it over, smashing it to pieces, when trying to push it out of the lab that she realised there was an effing toddler inside it.

“Dad, seriously?” Comic got fed up already with the mess her father left behind after he got scattered.

- Cue her trying to grab the kid out of the muck only to fall in and be dropped down into another universe with the little one.

(Yes, this is the multiverse travel scene excuse and I love it)

Back then, Sooner or later your gonna be mine just uploaded a new comic chapter on YouTube. Hence, my brain went overdrive and said it’s a free real estate. So, I imagined the duo getting found by the skeleton brothers before the story started from rumours of them pillaging around trash sites, random food thefts and small skeletons offering up to do odd jobs.

Other skeletons than them, huh, curious.

Them skeletons in that story was already huge as heck though, now imagine a five a year old and a roughly five foot skeleton with a slight build running around what was essentially a mob era in the 1920’s.

The first thing that would go through their thick skulls was KIDS, THEY ARE KIDS, WHO HERE F***ED AND DIDN’T USE PROTECTION ?!

So much shenanigans from just trying to chase them down. ^_^

In the end, Komi and Void/V (little Sans; Komi’s not that creative at naming) were lured in by food, an offer for a roof over their heads and warm baths. Yep, tragic.

Little sans doesn’t look like a sans anymore here but a mere smooth skull shell with two big eye sockets and nothing else. I meant that literally. No lips or teeth as those were melted away and a pitch black body with stumps for legs. (look at Hollow Knight; Ghost but without the horns and has smoothen out round cheeks at least. I love that game.)

The last thing he remembered was that his aunt (step sister actually but he knows her as auntie) giving birth in the Underground Hospital and his uncle (Gaster) pushing him into a tub of black liquid, watching him drown.

And now he can’t talk since his lips is sealed shut.

Moreover, someone with his name who looks like a lot like his auntie and a bit like his uncle was dragging him around somewhere. It’s hella weird and confusing and he can’t cry properly. (Yes, HK reference here)

Yes, there is a story here for the duo that will coincide with SoLY’reGBM. Mostly, with Komi claiming Bara Sans courting skills were lame as hell no wonder Frisk ran screaming. This happen only at the time they were all comfortable enough to diss each other. Still, she and V were treated like sassy annoying younger siblings.

One’s assumed to be a teenager another a preschooler. So both were admitted to schools by force and with threats for Komi by Gaster since he didn’t want them in the house 24/7. Also to just enjoy the fact they have money now to send someone in their place to experience school. Papyrus here loves it that someone gets to experience and tell him all about while also not being the youngest in the family anymore.

Komi, in hindsight was 50/50 about it. Hating the idea at first before going, huh, maybe it’s not so bad… Hence the outfit up there. ^

She only has been to pre-school when her mother was alive and nothing else since, Gaster, her father, deeming it useless and only had been homeschooled by him. As much as you could call being locked in a room and told to read/answer these sheets of questions or not she’s never allowed to feed Papyrus as homeschooling activities. It happened in a period of when she was 10 - 14, so Paps would be 2 - 6. Damn well, she learned to memorise and spit everything out like a photocopier.

Seeing the Gaster in this universe sorta freaks her out. Making her wait to be ordered and when she doesn’t gets the order or the orders were just a pat on the skull and be told to behave, nothing else. She will proceed to look at him funny only to realise that oh, this is not dad. The three brothers can see that gal there has been through some shit and it’s not the fun kind. This also makes them question whether they should let them go back to wherever they came from, and that’s a whole other bag of fish to fry.

Komi knows they are a mob family, accepts it because hey her dad had a dungeon where he cuts up humans and eats SOULs for breakfast so why not this?

Only to find out they are pretty nice for a family and was this what a family suppose to be like? She liked it.

Komi with V/Void -, I will protect you my new baby brother that I have adopted at first sight with my body and SOUL. Which she does, she was raised with her Papyrus who was always aimed at gunpoint by her father. Basically, a rinse and repeat cycle situation in her eyes. Only to find out that no, nobody was out to get V!

She felt so gosh darn free in this universe but felt as though she was missing something all the time.

Yep, her found family from back home. So, definitely gotta get out of here somehow.

While also going to high school and befriending your adopted uncles’s enemy’s niece. Fuku Fire. Definitely not telling them what she did. They are gonna get so pissed.

Fuku - I have befriended the cool kid that’s not afraid to talk back against adults and was already a pro in home economics, who is also a skeleton Monster, meaning from a rival family. My parents and Uncle *pedo* Grillby must never know.

Comic will also be going through the motions of life here while figuring out how V’s powers work to send them back home and be getting a supply of Uncle’s favourite mustard since he’s been bitching about it every day by now.

He and Gaster will most definitely never know.

Nah, they know. Comic is a freaking blabber mouth that tells everything to this version of Papyrus just like she does in her own universe. Confirmed, she’ll be outed within 3 days by Paps and a fight about who she befriends was not their business.-at Gaster - who then sees it as an opportunity. Which leaves her storming out yelling they are all the same. Gaster and her Gaster.

Shit goes down that day, and everything went A-okay. Komi would make attempts to not overlap her father’s image over this guy because really, this Gaster is the farthest thing to her dad that’s a centuries old psychopath craving the secrets of the multiverse who would instead have not let her run out the house unscathed for yelling nor talked through things with her when she was brought back.

Darn guy was pretty nice.

Sans and Papyrus of this universe : who are you and what have you done to our brother?

G: What was that?

S&P: Nothing. S: (mutters under his breath) bias piece of sh*t

Then there’s that scene where they now got a new area to govern. Komi and V finds it weird but okay. *shrugs*. It felt like they were going to govern their territory or something. Sounds like basic Royal Guards one-o-one shtick her middle bro’s and friends’ kinda work. Seems simple enough.

It was not simple. I repeat, it was not simple.

G: No, we do not have to patrol the area.

G: No, we do not do shifts to monitor criminal activities.

G: It’s just an area that we will get a claim to.

G: But I need the humans here to be comfortable with Monsters, so I am going to let loose Papyrus on them. Since, we also have you two as well. Feel free to interact with the Humans. Tell me if anyone gives you three any trouble, Sans and I will personally deal with it.

S: wut? Yes? Yep, whatever he says goes. Better listen to your elders, brats.

P: Really, Sans?

C: So-, you want us to help around with the people in the area? Like charity work? Give free food and all that?

G: (how did she jumped to that? but otherwise, she’s not wrong.) … Yes-, that. Feel free to use your green magic on them as well if you have to but only when necessary. I don’t want you to suddenly disappear because your own loose lips.

C: Alright. (Does an excited fist pump) This is gonna be awesome~! …. Heyyy, did you just-

P: And I will be sure to guard them. (No arguing here from the other brothers)

V: (pouts and hand signed) N-O-T—B-A-B-Y

P: (could only stare at this being that barely reaches his kneecaps) Of course, little one.

All I know is, all of them are sassy sarcastic shits and there’s way more to be continued here.

So byeeee~

sup.

I am tired. And yes by tired I means tired of sitting around and doing nothing. I am bored out of my mind. For the past month I have been sitting in the chair I am currently sitting on doing nothing but watching videos on youtube and Netflix and reading tweets of people doing things out of their comfort zone and making money.  In about 4 weeks I am heading to college and I am scared out of my mind. The pressure of succeeding is scaring me and I do not think I can do it. I am listening to "feeling alive" by earl st. clair right now and the lyrics he is saying resonates with me so much because I don't feel alive. I am someone that is scared to go out of their comfort zone to try new things and today is the day I change. I am accepting the fact that life comes with struggles and my struggle right now is trying to tame the boredom that is my life. The song just stopped… hold on while I press replay because it is giving me fuel as I am writing the truest form of words I have ever written (don't know if that made any sense) but I am gonna keep on going (no need for Microsoft Word to correct me). This is me. This is my dryness. This is what is happening in my mind right now… what I am thinking of as this current moment.  I feel trapped and too free. I have so much time in my hands and I am not using it at all or putting it to effect (or affect whichever word fits in this sentence right now) – sorry but the summer has taken a toll on my grammar and ability to think clearly. I feel like the world has given me an opportunity to spread a message. I don't know why am I doing this but maybe it's the universe or God or whatever telling me that it's my time. Now I don't know what I'm gonna do with this message but I am on a role so there's no stopping for me.  I feel like I can tell you anything and by "you" I mean anyone willing to even give me their attention. I am on my period. Yep I said it. It's a sensitive and weird topic but I am just going to say it. Maybe my ovulation cycle is playing a factor into why I am so inspirational but I don't care because I like this side of me. Maybe I woke up on the right side of my bed and that changed how I vewed life. Now I am the type of person that worries of the conseqeuences for every action I make. I know that's not living to my full potential but that's how I am.  And to tell you the truth I'm sick of it. I'm sick of waiting around. I;m sick of waiting for lifde to tell me that's my life is over and it's time to go. I am scared of death. Everything about it is scary. And to think that I may not be alive tomorrow scares me out of my mind. So I'm going to take this opportunity to tell you (whoever is reading this) a little about myself. My name (or part of my name anyways) is Danika  pronounced DAN-I-KAH (like Danica Patrick- the race car driver). I was born in Haiti and came to the U.S. when I was one but no one would no that because I hide the fact that I'm Haitian American. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I'm scared of the reactions or embarrassesd I don’t know right now. I am the oldest of 4 . yep that's right. I am the oldest which means I have a load of responsibilities. To be this role model for my brothers and sister to be the model that my parents want me to be. To be this inspiration that I don't think I can with so much fear within me. I am majoring or hope to major in communications. Ironic right? I can't even speak in front of a group of people and I am majoring in the one field that requires you to speak. I don't know why I am majoring in it I just know that I want to help people and be the voice that no ones wants to be. I want to be an inspiration. I might not show it but it's there. I swear. Now the song that I previously mentioned has been played 3 times right now and I am fueled even more to speak my mine. I have been in this cocoon of mine's since kindergarten. Yep… since setting foot in my elementary school. This shyness takes over me. It's something I can't control and sometimes I love it because it protects me from getting hurt from trusting those that shouldn't be trusted in the first place and would just let you down and disappoint you in the long haul. Umm sorry I just took a long breath and clicked on the replay button and totally forgot what I was going to say next. Anyways I think it’s time for the world to know me and see my potential in making a difference whether I am helping people in the medical field - which I doubt cause blood makes me nauseous – or helping them through their education or mindset as a therapist. I want to help people. That's one thing that I know for sure. Holy crap.. I just looked at the word count on this thing and realized I have type 959. Now 960 now 963 (you get the point) in about 10 minutes. That's the more words I have typed in my whole life especially without pauses and use of the backspace key. All of the things I am saying right now is coming right from my mind with no hesistation about what I am putting on this document or the care of others opinions about me. (sorry for the lack of punctuation marks) I want to show tha rare side of me the side that doesn't care about punctuation marks and grammar and uses of capital letters or lack of capital letters. I don’t really know if anyone is going to read this or the point of this document. I just feel trapped right now and writing this message is helping release my frustration. Did I talk about myself. I don't really know. oh yeah something else about me.. I forget a lot but in other occasions I can rmember moments from my life that is important to  me and has an impact on my life. I can remember things as far as I was at least 4 years old. Some people say it's a gift others say it's not I say why can't this memory help me in my schoolwork because I can't remember a darn thing in any of my classes. No matter how hard I try I learn something one day and forget it within an hour. It's a defect of my memorixation ability. (did I jus create that phrase or is that a thing) anyways what was I saying… crap I forgot… see it works everytime…. I think I just layed out my personality or my "hidden" personality in this document or message or diary whatever you want to call it. My shyness has taken over me and hid parts of me that I would absolutely love to show my friends and sometimes my family. I have a lot of personalities. Don't worry they're not split personalities like that movie about that guy with his split personalities. Don't ask me about whther I saw the movie because I didn't. oooo something else you will learn about me is that I hate horror movies but I love the rush it gives me especially the jump scares. I wouldn't watch a scary movie without the comfort of others so don't expect me to watch any of them. I don't really get scared but when I do it's showcased clearly. The scariest move I have ever watched or I could veer recall was that scarecrow movie i don't know what you call it. I kinda forgot… hahahahaha see I forgot. I don't remem… oh wait! It's the "Texas Chainsaw Movie". Yep that film scared the bajeezus out of me.  I just pause gain and forgot my train of thought. Umm I don't know what to say and I pretty much expressed all of my emotions. If anyone has even gotten up to reading this part I would like to apologize for my weirdness. I don't know what I am writing or even know if any of this is specific or helpful in any way. I feel like I'm talking to a therapist which is weird cause I never talked or seen a therapist ever in my life and suddenly feel like I'm talking to one maybe it's from the tons of therapist scenes I see in movies and tv shows. Uh what else can I say about myself. I like strawberries( that's my default information). Uh holdon I need to click on replay. Okay uh feel like this is a biography or autobiography to be correct. What else can I say about myself. I'm 18. Did I say that already. Uh I like to sing or try to sing and no I am not that person that has the most angelic voice and says they can't sing. I literally can't sig. some days I have this miracle where I can sing or yell out these falsetto notes and other times I sound like a goat specifically a lost one looking for its mother. I don't know what I am talking about. It sounds like I am writing gibberish. Uh I have an obsession with superheroes (holy crap I just scrolled up and saw how much I wrote in like 20 minutes) lol never done that before. Anyways uh wait I have to click on replay and I'm sorry if it's a little annoying that I am writing or typing everything I am doing including my actions but that's how I concentrate. Anyways hold on while i press replay this song is really truly inspirational by the way anyway hold on.  Ok I'm back,. And I just moved from the most comfortable spot I have been for the past twenty minutes. And it was a really good spot… dang it. Ok what was I talking about? Oh yeah ummm superheroes ( I just scrolled up to see what I was talking about last) umm I am obsessed with superheroes whther they are from DC or Marvel I am obseesed with a lot of them. Please don't ask me if I know the difference from dc and marvel in the comments section or if there is even a comment section. I don't know the difference.. I researched it a while ago and read about it and still don't really know the difference except that there are different superheroes in it and right now marvel is killing the game with their movies no offense to dc and dc is killing the game with their tv shows no offense to marvel. Umm my two favorites right now from the tv shows at least are the green arrow and the flash. And my favorites from the movies are spiderman because I recently saw the movie that came out in july this year (this year being that it's 2017) and it was amazing. I also have a man crush on chris evans who plays captain America, and chris hemsworth who plays thor. They are hunks…and that's all I'm going to say for now. I also have a woman crush on the badass otherwise known as black widow a.k.a. scarlett johannseen (I feel like I spelled her last name wrong and Microsoft word is validating that feeling). Ok umm I love these superheroes so to all the superhero obseessors (is that a word, cause Microsoft word is saying no) anywas to the superhero fanatics hit me up cause yah girl want to talk about superheroes. Or wants someone that is interested in superheroes to talk about superheroes with. After typing non stop I just realized that my mind is like an 8-yr old me. I did not know my vocabulary or my default vocabulary if this miniscule and non-advance. I need to build it up in the future. I don't know if that made sense but that's what I thought about in my mind. Now I am also obsessed with musicals.. yes I said musicals I don't how I gain this interest but I love musicals especially playing the parts of the charcters in the songs. I love bring it on the musical, Hamilton of course, umm hairspray, grase, and crap I forgot the other one. I recently found out about david Hansen and I really want to hear some the musicals. I just haven't gotten to doing that yet. Musicals help me concentrate I guess or I just love how the sound resonates with me and how the voices of these artists mesh together and create these beautiful angelic notes and melodies. I just love the togetherness expressed in these musicals. Okay huh what else can I talk about. Uh I like to ummm I like to watch youtube videos. Especially vlogs yes I said vlogs also known as video blogs. Whther their family, couples, or one person vlogs I love watching them. I am currently interested in (don’t hate me for this) Logan Paul Vlogs. Yes I said it. I love watching logan paul on youtube. I started watching when youtube recommended me. I'm pretty sure the first one I watched was the chloe one or when he communicated with a girl through a starbucks store glass window. Yep all the things I just said is true. So the date when that video was posted is when i started watching logan paul. I never really knew about him but after that vlog wait hold on I think the other old one I watched a long time ago was one with him and iphones. I think it was a giveaway. I watched that one. And now as I am typing it, it could have been the first video I watched. Anyways umm what was I saying? Uh after watching those vlogs I was hooked. I have never laughed as much to a youtuber as I have watching logan do stupid stuff(sorry but they are stupid). He's is just this funny charismatic dude. And I can't stop watching (hahaha I sound like a stalker) (which I shouldn't be laughing at… sorry). Okay I am totally wiped this message has become a long paragraph and I mean long ass paragraph about nothing but me talking about myself and my problems. So I'm sorry if I have wasted your time. I have never been this focused in writing a document this long non stop without signing into any social media outlets. Hold on my dad is calling me.  That was my dad. He just called to know how we were. And by we I meant my siblings and I. he and my mom are at work right now. I love them to death.  And now I am tired like I have nothing to talk about anymore. My creative juices are gone. I feel empty like I can't say anything like I have said all the things I needed to. I don't know where I'm going to post this. Or of I should even post this. I don't even know if people are interested In opening this. Umm maybe I can put this on my tumblr page. Yep I have a tumblr page . I created it a while ago and haven't used it at all except to post a message describging my account and what I would have been doing with it like posting topics that matter to me and talking about it. Maybe this could be my starter page or book hahaha get it cause this doc is long as hell. Sorry for that stupid remark. Ok uh maybe I can post those on my tumblr page. This could a diary session of mines. I never really had a diary. Like I had diariy like notebooks but I was forcing mysaelf to be like that typical person of expressing their feelings down on a notebook like the movies portray when they are showing teenage girl and what they do. I know that's not what happens now because a lot has changed. Not going into that topic right now because that would add an extra 4 pages to a message I expected to be 1 page or no not 1 page but 1 very short ass paragraph. Crap I lost focus again which is weird cause I never even had focus in this doc. Umm I don't what I'm going to do next. right now I'm going to put my tumblr profile to use and showcase my feeling and thoughts that sounded weird… thoughts and feelings… okay uh yeah that's what im going to do. I'm not aiming to collect an audience or even have an audience reading this. I am going to use tumblr as my therapy sessions or a folder holding records or transcripts of my sessions of me talking to myself. That did not make any sense. Okay I'm leaving. I'm tired. And by leaving I don't really mean physically leaving I just mean i am leaving this document and uploading it on tumblr. Okay bye uh I don't know what to call it or this,. Uh bye thing. And starting now i am going to record the date and time I started and finish each of my sessions. Since  did not come up with that idea before I started typing I don't have a specific time of when I started typing so I'm going to leave the start time blank.  Okay now I'm just blabbering see ya later thing. Dani out hahaha that was lame. 

p.s. I apologize after advance for the lack of paragraphs and indentations. I did not think about how hard it would be to read this thing. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. Okay bye thing. Also the grammars may make it hard to read. I am not going to correct them unless it's really hard to make out what I'm saying sorry but I am tired of trying to be perfect. Okay that sounded harsh. Sorry gain. Okay for real this time.. bye thing.

End time – 8:21 p.m. Date of Session – 7/31/17 Word Count (minus the recording details I am typing in right now and this parentheses info) – 3,126

So... this is kinda inspired by Dans video. Depression isn't the only mental illness I suffer from, but for the majority of my life, I've been suffering with anxiety.

When I was young, id have random breakdowns in public, whether in my backyard with my friends, or in a Walmart where I'd get the sudden urge to pee. The only way to stop it, and I don't know why, was to sit on my foot long enough for the urge to go away so I could get to the bathroom. But sometimes, due to other people, I wouldn't get the opportunity to stop this urge. One example is when I was in the backyard with my friends jumping on the trampoline, I'd gotten that urge and so I asked my friends to stop jumping so I could get it to go away. My friends brother, who was also there, started jumping, making me pee myself in front of all my friends. Another one is when my dad and I were leaving Walmart, right at the exit, I got the urge and bent down to sit on my foot. My dad thought I could hold it, grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the position. I peed right there in front of dozens of random strangers. That one made my mom take me to the doctors, because she knew I wasn't just holding my bladder until it couldn't last.

The doctor diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder and strongly suggested, with how high my levels of anxiety were, I was put on meds. My mother was furious, yelled at the doctor, saying "she'll learn how to deal with it. She'll learn to cope. She doesn't need meds." And she was right... to a certain extent.

Around age 8, I lost that urge in public spaces or with people. I had no symptoms of anxiety, that I'm aware of, at that time. I didn't get another symptom until 7th grade, when I was 12, and even then it was short lived. It felt like my throat was closing, like I was suffocating. It was in homeroom period, when the 8th graders had their state assessment tests, and my teacher was just gossiping with another. Me, not knowing what this was at the time, wanted to go get a drink of water to clear my throat. My teacher took every hand raise except for mine, and blatantly ignored me. Now before you think I was a punk child who always was asking to use the restroom when I didn't have to, just to get out of class, I wasn't. I never asked to use the restroom during class. I was a straight A student who actually liked her classes back then. I don't know why she ignored me. She was a bitch anyway. So, it went ignored, and the tightness in my throats cleared after about 2 hours. It never did return.

Until 2 years later, freshman year of high school. It wasn't even the beginning of the year, so it wasn't new school stress, it was just a random day this started happening. It happened every morning. I couldn't talk, or move my mouth, the thought of anything going down my throat made me want to vomit, even watching other people eat was just nauseating. Before almost every band competition I threw up. Whether I had anything in my stomach or not, I threw up. And it eventually turned into everyday before school, before I had to catch my bus. Even when we were at Disney for the band trip, I threw up every day due to the feeling of my throat closing, this strange tightness only released after vomiting. This ended the beginning of sophomore year.

2 years after that, my senior year, after I thought it was all over, with a few close calls when we went to Disney again junior year, that tightness came back. Well ok, it happened right before my senior year. Downtown Houston has these tunnels that run underground for food courts and shopping. My dad and I were visiting my mom one day, during the summer, when she worked downtown, and we decided to walk the tunnels. There are these tiny portions of the tunnels that are just straight up white with nothing else but white. And for some reason, every time I walked through one, I'd always feel like I was getting trapped, making my throat tighten, and made my vision go blurry. We'd have to stop after each of those tiny hallways for me to calm down, get my heartbeat back to normal, and clear my throat. That was the start of it again. So school starts, I'm normal again, until the competitions start back up. But this time, instead of throwing up at home, I threw up at the actual stadiums at which the contests were held. I had my friends, and even the band moms hold my shit while I went and threw up. They watched me walk back afterwards like I didn't just get sick and throw up my entire lunch. Like this was normal. Because it was. There was one band mom, bless her I love her so much, that was the first one I told about this. The first time, she told me I shouldn't march after that, but was really surprised after finding out I did it every time. And she told all the band moms of my condition, so they all understood. I never missed a performance, except for one. Probably one of the most important, too. It was Area prelims, this could get us to state. I hadn't thrown up, I tried to force myself to but we didn't have enough time for me to succeed. I had to tell a band technician. That year, the woodwinds carried out these things we called flats, they covered up the front sideline, hiding the band when needed and the color guard. I was carrying sandbags so I couldn't carry my instrument. I thought "for sure I'm going to puke while marching, oh shit oh shit oh shit". The good thing is is my marching technician, we'll call her V, was there and noticed me hyperventilating. V tried to calm me down to no avail, we were walking onto the field to perform. She made me sit out, stand on the sidelines, and let me calm down. But I didn't have my instrument. When the performance was over, I had calmed down enough to speak and followed the platform where I saw my instrument be placed at the beginning. My instrument wasn't on that platform. The pit dads didn't have any idea where my instrument was. Then, about 10 minutes later, after me going into panic again, my friend, and a main soloist came from talking to my director. He said my instrument was given to someone on my bus. I calmed down. That was over.

Now, I'm a junior in college. Very few things set off my anxiety anymore. But the things that do, happen often. Like I have one specific friend, and if I've messaged you or talked to you, you know who it is, who gives me so much anxiety because I'm nervous on how he feels about me 24/7. It's a constant anxiety I can't get to go away. But it isn't the throwing up anymore, although there have been some situations with him where I have had the tightness in my throat, but only twice I think. By now, my logical, rational side and my anxious, irrational side have completely seperated. The only way I can describe it is... think of it like a split personality disorder, only its only in my head and they're two separate minds. My anxiety side is obviously winning, it's like beating myself up mentally but not being able to stop it. I can't control it. My mom was wrong all those years ago. I never learned to deal with it, never got it to go away completely, just... it just got worse. And worse. And now it's a constant 24/7 issue that I can't get to go away. Like right now, I can't even look at some of the messages he sent me today because I'm too nervous on what he might say, even though it wasn't anything serious to begin with. I can't control it.

Whenever I meet someone new, I always tell them in advanced: I have major anxiety and I need constant reassurance. If it gets annoying, tell me and I will leave you alone. I understand. You're not the first to leave because of it and you won't be the last.... now I know that's not the best way to make friends with new people, telling them about a disorder that will affect your friendship, but I think it's important for them to know they can be straight up with me if need be. This gets to my point. My anxiety defines me.

Now, before anyone says "no it doesn't", it does... it really really does. The amount of people who have turned their back on me because I need their constant reassurance, or I just get to clingy and/or complain too much, is too damn high. Now don't get me wrong, I don't WANT it to define me, but I feel like it's too late. I've lost the inner battle of me. This is no longer me, this is who I have become. My anxiety has repressed everything that I enjoyed, that I loved to do, and turned it into something to ridicule, to speculate, and to judge myself on to where I don't enjoy it anymore. Talking to people, for example, it's always "why'd they word it that way?" Or "they're not answering me/ they only reply with short answers, are they getting tired of me? Do they still want to be my friend?" And there is one particular person that knows that this goes through my head almost everyday. And I don't know whether you're reading this or not. It's like playing a first POV story game, where you think you get to control the plot, but really you're just a third POV getting to see everything crumble around you in the climax of the story that's set in stone. It's watching yourself from a distance, watching you make yourself crumble and fall apart and not being able to control it. Because the anxiety is doing all the work. You're just the vehicle in which it uses.

I'm still not on medication, I've developed depression, and I'm watching myself fall apart inside. My parents still don't think I need meds and I don't have money to afford them myself. I'm stuck in a cycle and I'm sorry to anyone I'm dragging down with it. But this is my life, this is all I've ever known. I don't know how people think rationally without questioning themselves several times on the same issue. I don't know how that feels. I can't just make a decision. I have to mull over it for days. I don't know how it feels to think normally. But I'm getting by. And it's alright, because while all that is sad, I can say I've made a little progress in myself. But my anxiety side instantly made want to say, but how long will that last. And we'll see.

But just know, if anyone has gotten this far and is having troubles with attacks and calming themselves down, or just need someone outside of the loop to talk to, I volunteer. Please, I know I'm not a trained therapist but I will help you in anyway I can, because I don't want anyone suffering from this the way I have, with no one to lean towards sometimes.

“Run Your Heart Out”

  ~ Unknown 

 The quote above express a profound statement and it is not only powerful from a sports competition perspective, but also for life in general. We live in a competitive world and whether we think that we don’t care about it, it really doesn’t matter – we’re sucked in competitiveness be it against somebody else or with ourselves. And when logistics or muscles find a glimpse of limitation, you better run your heart out and proof otherwise!

Running the OUC half marathon 40th anniversary race was more than just a race for me. It was an opportunity to be part of the Orlando’s historical race for the third consecutive year, running in my adopted city’s neighborhood and exchanging hellos with other members of the running community composed mostly of Track Shack runners.

After a difficult training cycle with ups and downs, with more downs than ups – at least it seemed to be this way, I was ready to redeem myself, bring on the positive energy and close the last race of the year on a good note. I wanted my last race of the year to be the start of a new beginning of a training cycle, and I wanted to bring a result that would give me hope to work on. The possibility of working with a coach again was intriguing and exciting.

There are no words to describe my experience after Lighthouse Loop half marathon. It was days of depression and hopeless, and weeks of uncertainty on whether I was really capable of running anything faster than a double-digit pace and still feel as if it was like a walk in the park. I finally understood what Julie Isphording meant about her quote: Run often. Run long. But never outrun your joy of running.

I put all those feelings and darkness behind. I learned to deal with an obstacle at time while seeking a solution of a clear path. I surrounded myself with positive-minded people that would up lift my vibes and help me. There was no getting out of this loomy-gloomy alone, but it was up to me to believe in myself and be with people that enforced my own believe or that showed me the way to make my believe a reality. I started to soak-in Jen Sincero’s audiobook You are a Badass and reading Elizabeth Clor’s book Boston Bound  including contacting her via Instagram for one or two words of advice.

My favorite athlete of all times is Tom Brady. I admire everything about him. His expertise in the game of football, his demeanor, attitude, and competitiveness. His positive state of mind and calmness is an attribute that mesmerize me. It’s interesting that when I planned the OUC race, I chose a Tom Brady picture to be the cover of my Days Event calendar app for the December 3 date. Our subconscious is always in harmony with our desires and dreams, but it doesn’t sync if we choose to live in a negative state of mind or lack expressing gratitude. Hello to the Law of Attraction! And if Tom Brady’s badass attitude gives me motivation to do my best and be my best in the face of adversity, so be it! You got to do what works for you and nobody else.

My pre-race routine didn’t change a bit. Okay, perhaps the only change was that I was grounded and calmer than previous races. A high 50’s degree in the early morning of the race was welcomed and I’m sure it helped me stay calm and excited to run. I intended to run between the 1:55 and 2:00 hour pace group, but I could not reach the corral. There were over 2,700 runners and somehow I was stuck way back with the 2:45 group pace. I just stayed calm and maneuver my way around looking for some clear path. Once I hit mile 1, the path started to clear and my pace was decent at 9:18 close to target pace (9:05). I sure didn’t want to go too fast and ran out of fuel by mid-way.

I ran with a disposable Açaí juice bottle and mixed a concoction of water and Huma Gel for fuel. I don’t use anything else besides Huma Gel. I figured that having it ready for consumption, it would save me some time at the water stations instead of having to walk/stop to consume. Loosing precious time to drink water and Gatorade was costly enough already.

Buy mile 2, I was getting hot (hot by my standard is anything over 65 degrees) and had to remove my tank top. Running on sports bra is my thing and I do whatever it helps to keep me from overheating. I was happy to see that my pace was a steady 9:18, and by removing my tank top, I knew that I’d feel much lighter. I was just hoping that the weather would cooperate throughout the race.

This was my second race running without music. I’m starting to feel I really don’t need it. I don’t run with music during training for safety reasons since mostly of my runs are done around 5:00 a.m., and quite frankly, I can’t imagine running with music now. I’ve learned to be in tuned with my body, breathing, mind and spirit. I am a runner with more focus without music. It has become my mediation and observation time thanks to reading Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche’s book Running with the Mind of Meditation.

Things started to look good for me. I had energy, the weather was somewhat cool and I was driven to own this race. If a su-2 half marathon for some reason was not possible, a PR would be the next target. At mile 3, my pace decreased to a 9:04. I was so grateful and in shock at the same time as I had never ran this fast in a race before with some negative splits in sight. Mile 4, it fluctuate to a 9:06 pace, 9:07 for mile 5 and 9:01 for mile 6. Bam, I was flying! Mile 7 brought me up to 9:07 and a slight crash at mile 8 with a 9:09 and 9:20 for mile 9. At this point, the weather started to warm up way too quickly and I was starting to get concern if I had pushed too much too soon.

The thought of bunking in another half marathon was starting to creep in since it’s kinda of customary for to start to loose energy at the most crucial point of the race. So I gathered my thoughts and pick up my feet to bring my pace down to a 9:06 for miles 10 and 11. At mile 12, the course started to get tough with a good portion of bricks and some elevation. The weather was also getting hotter to my taste. My pace went up to 9:22 and I realized that if I were not to be able to make a sub-2, it would have been by seconds.

I am not sure where I got the energy and drive to pick up my pace to 8:55 for mile 13. I breathed so hard and tried to pump as much blood in my muscles as I could. I kept focus on and aiming to that finish line. I saw that Garmin was showing me a 1:59 and something seconds, but I still had probably another 88 yards to the finish line. I lost some momentum thinking it was useless to continue running that fast. Suddenly, I realized that even without a sub-2 PR, every second was still counting. Also, one of the two professors I work with who was a spectator cheering on their son, yelled my name encouraging me to go, go, GO CELIA!!!!

I burst with whatever energy I had left to I cross the finish line with a jump of epic joy! I had never felt anything like it. I heard coach Chis yelling my name, but I didn’t see her because I was still wearing an invisible horse visor, lol. Next, I was searching for my husband. Last year’s race, he was by the sideline, this time, I didn’t hear or see him nearby. A race organizer blocked him from entering the runners’ exit from the course, but he came to my path anyways. As usual, he kissed me and I hugged him. Putting my medal around his neck first is a now a tradition and he loves it!

Illy and Kathy stopped by, we chatted a little bit and took time for some picture. My two speedsters, Julie and Pasley, saw me and came over to congratulate me on a great race. And of course, we chatted and took pictures.

As usual my husband is so supportive of my running, so he carried my change of clothes and my post-workout protein drink. We headed to the post-party event to check my official time. I could not believe that I was only 54 seconds shy from hitting my sub-2 goal.

A 2:00:54 half marathon at 9:13 pace was epic for me. Hope is alive. The dream is in the process of transformation and materialization with one step at a time. Right foot. Left foot. Here I come!

 “Ability is what you are capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do.  Attitude determines how well you do it.”

 ~ Lou Holtz

  OUC Half Marathon 40th Anniversary: A Breakthrough Race "Run Your Heart Out"   ~ Unknown   The quote above express a profound statement and it is not only powerful from a sports competition perspective, but also for life in general.