#aliceella | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aliceellablog · 6 years

Text

Acceptance is key when you have a chronic illness, but that doesn’t mean you should ever give up.

When you want something so freakin’ much and it’s not in your control, what do you do?

Do you accept it? Or do you keep fighting?

But what if fighting it made it worse? The harder you push the worse you get and the further away you become from your goals, your dreams and your life.

That’s what M.E. does to us and for now there’s not much we can do.

When the illness you’ve been diagnosed with has no test for it you’re left constantly wondering if you even have it. You feel so damn ill that you keep wondering if you have an illness that the doctors have never found. If you have been misdiagnosed all these years.

M.E. is a diagnosis of elimination which means that they basically test you for EVERYTHING - from blood tests to cameras up your ass, from eating sherbet and being scanned upside down, to cameras down your throat into your stomach. Name a test, I’ve had it.

Then when all the tests come back negative, and you’re left distraught, you feel desperate to be diagnosed with just about ANYTHING!

Following that you then ended up seeing a bunch of psychiatrists who also find nothing wrong with you and say stupid shit like ‘ have you tried taking a dog for a walk?’ - no, no i have not because I’m in a fucking wheelchair you dick. (Yes that really was said to me by a doctor) - It just doesn’t make sense to me that all us healthy happy people suddenly find themselves bed-bound and people think we fake it?!? WHYYYY!!?? And hey, if M.E. is all in our heads then why cant we donate blood?!

But I was diagnosed with M.E. at 14, and 15 years later there is STILL no test, no cure, and sure as hell no help.

A friend of mine recently received some comments on her blog saying that she was being too negative, and that really made me think.

How dare they add more to what she is already struggling so hard to cope with- how dare they comment on something they so obviously have no experience of and no knowledge about.

It made me realise that we have every right to feel how we feel and to speak out about it.

In my case it makes me want to ask the question ‘could you live with a chronic illness for over 15 years and not mention it? Not feel the need to vent? Could you be positive all the time?’ I don’t think you’d really manage to just ’try yoga babe’ or ‘drink more water’ - I’m not strong enough to do bloody yoga and I drink plenty…

I mean, imagine being healthy, and then your life suddenly being taken away from you at the age of 14, and now all these years later you are still fighting a constant battle. Every single day. And the fact I’m not exaggerating kinda sucks right!!?

Yes I used to be in a wheelchair and unable to speak / move / watch tv for several years, but that doesn’t make it any easier to cope now. In fact I personally find it even harder now, because when I do get moments of relief it makes me want to be able to live a full life even more.

There are days when I can actually feel a little bit of energy in my body and because of the nature of M.E. I have to hold back or I’ll get worse- and let’s be honest if I do have enough energy to do a little something I’m gonna end up doing it and then suffer the consequences. OOPS!!!!

Fuck sake it’s bloody ridiculous. So no, I won’t be positive every day, but I will try my best to be as often as I feel strong enough to. That’s all we can do.

I’ve even noticed that some of my friends have have stopped asking me how I am - I think that they don’t want to broach that subject with me any more and that hurts a bit. But one thing this illness definitely does is show you who your true friends are- if they ain’t there when you truly need that support then they ain’t gonna be there for the good times I can tell ya!! And the friends that do care, they are beyond amazing , so thank fuck for that, thank fuck for them.

I know I haven’t written my blog in a little while and to be honest over all I have been coping a little better recently! (Not that you’d think it reading all that! But I have been working SO DAMN HARD on acceptance and have found that to be the key to keeping my sanity.

I find that the more I fight and the more I want for my life, the worse I get.

I have to keep learning to accept that I have an illness that not many people understand, and that some people don’t even believe exists - fuck them though.

I know what I live with and I know how I feel on a daily basis- I know that when I am smiling in a photo I was probably crying myself to sleep the night before. I know that when I film a video for youtube I have to rest for days before and afterwards and each cover takes me at least a month or two to actually record and edit.

For that reason I know I won’t make it in this industry. How frustrating is that.

I can’t do what the other singers and writers can do.

I can’t go to the networking events and for over a year- since my last relapse- I haven’t been able to do any writing sessions or be in a studio. The things I have absolutely pushed myself to be able to do (for example my new music video) have always set me back for weeks or months after…sometimes worth it, sometimes not!

Over the past 6 years since I really started writing, recording and putting out music I’ve only been able to release 3 singles. - Yes I am proud of that and only I know what a struggle it’s been but it also makes me realise just how unrealistic it is to want to be a singer… I can’t even gig!! LOL #awkward

BUT I have been managing little things recently however small, but it does seem like every time I get above water and start to book things in and feel like I CAN DO THIS, something drags me back down again.

Frustration frustration frustration. That’s what I feel 24/7.

I am trapped, trapped inside a body that won’t let me live.

I want to socialise! I want to see friends, I want to go on dates and have some sort of love life, and above all else I want to sing. I want to work my fucking ass off and release my music. I want to write songs and push myself hard.

But I can’t. So I have to deal with that- and no-one else can help me deal with that. It’s down to me.

Recently I have been trying (again!!!!!) with the lightning process - a neurolinguistic approach and have genuinely found it very helpful, but it hasn’t ‘cured’ me by any means.

I did 7 months solid of graded exercise therapy and by keeping a chart every day MAN I’M COOL I soon realised that I didn’t actually make any solid progress. Since then I have been keeping a chart with the lightning process and have seen some improvement.

I did the LP course around 10 years ago now so I have made the decision to retake it, but was scheduled to go on it lat week and wasn’t well enough!! OH THE IRONY!!!

BUT - There IS hope, and maybe it’ll be just what I need to conquer this mother fucker. But then again maybe it won’t! Who knows!! But I won’t give up and I’ll keep trying whatever I can!

Time will tell and I am going to go there with no expectations other than to give it my all.

I will blog again maybe a few weeks after and let y’all know whats a gwarning!! But for now, love and strength to my fellow spoonies xx remember, acceptance is key when you have a chronic illness, but that doesn’t mean you should ever give up.

Alice xXx

13 notes · View notes

njcmusic · 7 years

Video

When your mix literally breaks the internet! Went to share some music, the browser says no 😎#glitch #browser #softwaremeltdown #random #newmusic #24obsession #aliceella #ukgarage #garagemix #outyesterday

#24obsession #glitch #newmusic #garagemix #softwaremeltdown #aliceella #ukgarage #random #outyesterday #browser

0 notes

thisisradiocarl-blog · 7 years

Text

This Is Radio Carl - Ep030 Stream & Setlist

Ep030 - 09.20.2017 Stream:

https://www.mixcloud.com/kpissfm/this-is-radio-carl-ep030-092017/

Setlist:

Dee Dee King - Baby Doll

John Maus - The Combine

The Thamesmen - Gimme Some Money

The Notations - Superpeople

Wet Illistrated - Gypsy Town

Client - Down To The Underground

Zex - Sanctuary

Near Paris - Why Baby

Smith - Baby It's You (Live 1969)

The Bandana Splits - Sometimes

Reigning Sound - Straight Shooter

ALASKALASKA - Patience

Thom Yorke - All For The Best

Sofi Tukker - Best Friend

Silver Apples - Love Fingers

Alice Ella - 24 Obsession

Eddie & the Movements - Alive & Kicking (Island Times Edit)

ShitKid - On A Saturday Night At Home

Chastity Belt - Something Else

#deedeeking #johnmaus #thethamesmen #thenotations #wetillistrated #client #zex #nearparis #smith #bandanasplits #reigningsound #alaskalaska #thomyorke #sofitukker #silverapples #aliceella #eddieandthemovements #shitkid #chastitybelt

0 notes

aliceellablog · 7 years

Text

Holiyay?

*08/10/17*

Sorry I haven’t posted for so long... ironic when you’re not well enough to write your blog about your illness aint it!?!

Anyway, I’m gonna cut right to the chase. Instagram vs real life is such an issue for me. One I probably need to get over…. It’s so hard I don’t know wether I should try and only post positive fun photos and make it look like I’m having a right old great fucking time or to keep it more ‘real’? But then no-one wants to see pics of an ill sad girl and it’ll probably just look like I’m trying to get attention.

I guess this blog is my outlet for now…

I have people who are close to me who tell me that if I post about being ill all the time I’ll never get booked for work or gigs, but then when it comes to my (failing) career as an artist I want to be real. I want to be honest and build a genuine following of people who care enough to join me on the real journey??Answers on a postcard please thanks.

So if you’ve seen the recent Insta posts you will have seen that I managed to go on holiday with my besets friends - genuine yay!I’ve never been away with friends before and could not wait to get ma body in the sun!! Oh that sweet sweet vitamin D!

But maybe I underestimated how tiring travelling was and how hard it would be…

Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret going and there were some really genuinely lovely times - that and I feel so much closer to my friends, but I’ve been back home now for three weeks and I’m just about making it to the supermarket or doing small tasks around the house each day. BIG FAT MEH.

I know I say it a lot but M.E. is so fucking frustrating!!! Because the more you push through and try and go for it the worse you get, so you physically can’t just get on with things- and the pay back is hell.

So on the way there we had the biggest nightmare…. I met Katie, Grace, Tilly, and Nicki at the airport and all was chill- I was feeling pretty shit but not too terrible. We had a bit of food at the Wetherspoons - keeping it classy - and then all went off to get out bits and bobs from Boots, WHSmiths etc - classic airport essentials!! - now… I’ll spare you the details… but I also have Crohns disease, and was not tooooo well!! It seemed that all of a sudden our gate was called… and I was… erm… busy…

I was as quick as I could be (awks), but there is no rushing somethings man!!! We were all panicking on the WhatsApp group and I told the gals I would meet them at the gate… Grace (bless her heart) said she would wait for me - she went to the information desk and told them my situation and asked if we could get a wheelchair or one of those buggy things to assist us to the gate - which of course was the furthest one away!!!

Do you know what they said to her??

‘You have four minutes until the gate closes and you won’t get there in time. You have to go now and leave your friend’ Grace being Grace said no, and waited for me. She tried to explain but they said to her ‘If she’s ill she shouldn’t be travelling’ - THANKS GATWICK - REAL BIG HELP THERE!!

Anyway… I came out of the toilets (why oh why am I selling you all this hahahaha) and found Grace - we had less than 4 minutes to do like a good 10 minute walk.

I don’t think I’ve moved so fast in a long time!! We were proper power walking through the airport and Grace would break into a jog at some points. I was fast trailing behind her shouting ‘just go!’ ‘Go on without me!’ Which of course she didn’t….

Stress levels were ridiculous, and I almost collapsed on an escalator - I sat and G rubbed my back…. After what seemed like a marathon we got to the gate… where everyone was sat chilling and they hadn’t even stared boarding yet. cool. whatever… Then Tilly comes walking up behind us as my body is shaking and I start to cry from all the adrenaline- ‘oh hey guys! you got here quick!’ - yea Tilly… real quick….LOL

By that time my legs were utter jelly and I thought I was going to pass out - very pleasant- but we all got on the plane and were laughing so hard at the messages of sheer panic in the WhatsApp group! We were all SO RELIEVED that we had made it!! I literally thought I had ruined everyone’s holiday!! - oops!! Never eating before a flight again! ;)

So we got to Spain and yet again the airport staff were assholes - I was as you can imagine feeling awful and there was a huge queue to get through passport control- I had my disabled parking badge with me as way of proof (people look at me and just don’t get it) and so Kaite and I asked if there was any where I could sit to wait for the queue to go down or any way we could go to the front. After they’d asked ‘where is the disabled girl?’ looking straight past me, and told me no, we’d had enough and just walked straight through while they shouted ‘Policia’ at us etc…. Luckily the police did not come and we went straight through!

What is it with these people?? Like even if I was a healthy girl who became ill on the plane they should WANT to help someone who is asking for assistance??

They can all get in the bin. End of.

So next was the drive (thank you Nicki for driving on the other side of the road for us all!!) to the villa and then we were there! Bloody exhausting.

The gals all then went out for dinner and I went to bed and ate a gluten free pot noodle I had packed in ma suitcase. Living the dream I tell ya!

The next day I was feeling pretty awful and chilled all day by the pool - now of course I am not complaining as I am so lucky to have been able to go on holiday at all, but that day, and most of the time actually, it was just a massive head fuck.

How was I was sat by the pool, surrounded by palm trees in the gorgeous sun, yet all I felt like doing was crying. I couldn’t shake it.

I didn’t want to be with my friends and I didn’t have the energy to make conversation, but kept trying and didn’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday or be a downer.

Some of the time it just felt I was like having salt rubbed in my wounds right in my face. I was surrounded by four other healthy girls doing what I wished I could be.

I guess at home where I can escape to my room, and the fact that they are all at work everyday, it’s a little easier to cope.

But watching them all have fun and go out without me, and drink wine every night etc. was just a bit rubbish I guess.

I’m sure I sound ridiculous but you can’t help what you feel, and that’s what I felt.

The second night I went for dinner with them all but got so unwell I was in tears at the dinner table and got a cab home and left them to it. Fuck sake. (Sorry for all the swearing… just feel strongly lol)

I did improve a bit as the holiday went on, and my god they were all SO helpful and caring - always carrying the sun lounger out to the pool for me, and making me food when I was super tired (great omelette’s Nix!!), taking my suitcase for me at the airport, all that kinda stuff - and for that I thank them all, I must have been such a burden always having to be ‘looked after’ and I hated that. But they were beyond wonderful. Love you all SO MUCH!!

Then Emily arrived for the last few days which was awesome as we don’t get to see her as much now she’s moved out- so that was cool and we had a really lovely day at the beach which I genuinely enjoyed and did feel a little better - oh and I got duck pancakes that day too… nuff said!! :)

On the Saturday we had decided to have our one ‘night out’ -it was really nice to all get dolled up and as most of us are single now there was a lot of banter with the bar staff etc!

But again I was there drinking a Diet Coke and they were there making bloody boomerangs of them cheersing with their champagne glasses and getting drunk. God I am bitter!! hahaha

How do I always end up writing about my long to get drunk on this blog haha…. I just really miss it I guess… It’s hard cos my personality is so full of get up and go and lets go get drunk and dance!!! But instead I get to a club, can’t drink and all I think about is where can I sit down and what time shall I get a cab home on my own.

Wow… I really can complain huh!!!

On a positive note- I did have a dance that night!! Ok it was for maybe like 2 songs and it was more of a side step LOL but it felt really good! … and again…. Bar staff were on fleeek - for a laugh Nicki and I went up and she dared me to ask for his number… which I did…he was like the most gorgeous man I had ever seen!! But he had to get a woman over to translate as he didn’t understand a word I was saying and then when he did give me his number he asked if I spoke Spanish… to which I said no…. Most pointless exchange ever but Nicki and I were dying laughing and then just kinda ran away! I felt 13 again!

Then Grace did a high kick on the dance floor and fell flat on her face - and got glass in her hand. Doh! Oh Grace- your dance moves make me so happy- man I wish I could do crying laughing emojis on here!!!

-Don’t worry, Grace got looked after! After being told she would need stitches by the bar staff, she ended up in A&E but came home a mere plaster

Anyway I am rambling now -

After that night again I felt terrible and didn’t make it out to dinner with the gals but was glad I had made it out in the first place. I sat and ate chocolate watching the sunset instead. All good ;)

Then the journey home of course was pretty rubbish - British Airways you suck balls. - We pre booked assistance on the way home after our first ordeal! But this then meant waiting on the (very cold) plane for another half an hour, then being wheeled to a dark hallway and being left sat there alone (no staff anywhere) for about 45 minutes. We got so fed up that Katie found a few wheelchairs and stole one- I mean if they’re not gonna help we will help ourselves… it was at that moment that the buggy arrived and faffed about for a long time and then took us through passport control etc. LONG. Would have probably been less tiring to walk but then you never know how far it is!

After hitting my head at the train station I arrived home to Sussex where my mum picked me up.

Then HOME!! Oh the joy!! Bed with my cat! YAAAASSSS!!!

Unfortunately the next day I had hospital in the morning but it was to see a consultant I’ve been waiting forever to see who is giving me a trail of some new medication.

I don’t want to get my hopes up so am trying not to think about it but my god I am PRAYING that it might just help! - I’ll let ya know ;)

So now that I am back in London I am back to trying to do small realistic tasks each day and build back up from there. It’s depressing. It’s frustrating. It’s lonely. But it has to be done.

Much love for anyone who has actually read that!!! Means so much and am just trying to turn a negative into a positive - I enjoy writing this and hope that someone in a similar situation might be able to relate, and that someone who has never heard of M.E. might gain a little understanding.

Please get in touch if you wanna chat :)

My website: www.aliceella.com

Insta: @aliceellagram

MWAH x

4 notes · View notes

njcmusic · 7 years

Photo

Bit of a blurry shot but managed to grab a pic with @aliceellagram right before her amazing and powerful performance after a week of feeling ruff, this girl is battling all sorts but still getting on stage with her extremely tight band to deliver some goodness! Very proud to be working with her 👌🏼#newmusic #brandnew #fresh #livemusic #life #ukmusic #singersongwriter #singer #aliceella #24obsession #me #mentalwealth

#livemusic #24obsession #singersongwriter #life #aliceella #fresh #newmusic #ukmusic #me #singer #brandnew #mentalwealth

0 notes

njcmusic · 7 years

Photo

Check out the brand new single 24 Obsession by @aliceellagram search iTunes or Spotify etc and you will find the single which includes a remix by me under my aka @carpediemremix 👍🏼😎🔥x #newmusic #24obsession #247 #aliceella #remixes #carpediemremix #ukgarage #ukg #garage #house #positivevibes

#newmusic #24obsession #carpediemremix #ukgarage #remixes #garage #247 #positivevibes #house #ukg #aliceella

0 notes

njcmusic · 7 years

Photo

@aliceellagram #24Obsession - Out today! Check out ambielmusic.com for more info! #newmusic #brandnew #aliceella #single

#newmusic #24obsession #aliceella #single #brandnew

0 notes

njcmusic · 7 years

Video

@djmickeysimms remix of the forthcoming @aliceellagram single 24 Obsession out Monday from all good stores! Pre-order now for £1.99 and get 5 tracks 50% cheaper! Don't so we don't do anything for you 😎👍🏼 includes my remix, Mickey's, Jeff Nang and Stinkhabell! #ukg #garage #poprecord #ukgarage #beat1uk #newandexclusive #fresh #newmusic #soulful #ukunderground #undergroundmusic #streetculture #summervibes #summer #24obsession #aliceella #njc #carpediemremix #nuttyp #mickeysimms #jeffnang

0 notes

njcmusic · 7 years

Video

Some classy Uk Garage vibes from the man like @djmickeysimms a very sneaky peep at the new remix of 24 Obsession by the equally classy @aliceellagram dropping next week exclusively through @beat1uk #newmusic #studiovibes #studioexclusive #ukgarage #ukg #garage #aliceella #24obsession #remix #mickeysimms

#newmusic #mickeysimms #24obsession #studiovibes #studioexclusive #garage #remix #ukg #ukgarage #aliceella

0 notes

aliceellablog · 6 years

Text

Setbacks, acceptance, and a £50 fart.

12/03/2018

So I think the worse I feel mentally, the more I feel like I need to write. The more I feel like I need to get it all off my chest and on to paper… or rather a screen. The more I feel like I need to vent and to share my story. Fuck knows why, but I do.

This is a bit of a weird one, because just two weeks ago I was planning on writing such a full on positive blog about how much better things had been going - I was finally ACTUALLY making progress, and now, just catching a stupid bloody cold has like, fully sent me over the edge. Maybe I need to grow a pair of hairy balls. Or not… Ew.

So yea, lemme take you back to a few weeks ago first, and then we’ll deal with the current climate (say what?!)

When I started fully putting my all in to doing Graded Exercise Therapy it was October 2017 (having done it on and off for… holy shit.. 15 years) and so I started it all over AGAIN by starting at doing a 10 minute walk a day and not much else. Long story short, after constant ups and downs I had now managed to get to 42 minutes of walking a day and I was about to increase to 50!!!! Yes 50 I tells ya!!!

I had been sticking to it WAY more strictly than ever before and to help my mental state and help me cope I had finally managed to start using the Lightning Process again (a neurolinguistic programming technique) which was definitely helping.

I was feeling genuinely positive, managing my walk ok, and even doing other tiny bits here and there like spending a little bit more time with friends and family and cooking a bit more - that kind of thing!

Then last last Thursday was my birthday… holy shit you guys would literally not believe how god damn old I just turned. Ugh!!! WHYYY!!!

I’d had a lovely few days the week before with my mum and step dad who spoilt me rotten and was now back in London to spend it with my best pals :)

We went out for dinner just a 5 minute walk up the road to the best Turkish you’ve ever tasted - I am talking the chicken wings dreams are made of! (Sorry veggies)

I had a lovey evening with the gals, and when we got home all was a-ok!

Then about an hour later it was like someone had got the flu virus and injected it into my throat. I was dying - Ok obvs I was nowhere near death but you know me ;)

I knew I was getting ill. Ill on top of regular ill… if that makes sense! NOOOOO!!!!

The next week I spent fully in bed or on the sofa watching endless episodes of Queer Eye (the new fav tele show!!!) and Celebs go dating and all sorts of crap - no wonder I felt so shit ;) I knew I had a cold so I could accept that and just rest and ‘know’ that I would get better soon.

Then another few weeks later brings me to here. The cold symptoms are just about gone, but I honestly feel like I’ve been run over by a bus. twice. Fuck that, three times.

It’s only been about three weeks since I last left the house but I feel like my entire world has come crashing down.

I think I felt like I was finally getting somewhere and then the realistic nature of this bloody illness has just gone ‘Nope!! You can’t even leave the house and go to a restaurant with your friends! Don’t be ridiculous!!’ Which sucks. A lot.

Why am I so bad at acceptance and being patient?

OMG! That reminds me! So… about a month or two ago, I was really not doing well again, and so I decided I needed to admit that I needed help and guidance and go and see a therapist to help me cope with it all.

It did not go well.

Basically she needed to get a bloody hearing aid and she didn’t know what the hell I was talking about most of the time! I kept having to repeat myself… while crying, which was kinda awkward!

She was pretty old and… well… her ‘chair’ kept making noises during the session… which I thought was a little strange... then at the end, when she went out of the room to get my change, she let out the loudest fart I think I’ve ever heard.

I mean… ok at least that did make me laugh… but on a serious note, she didn’t say one thing of any help at all and I left feeling utter shite bags.

No help at all and a fart, all for the measly cost of £50. Money well spent there I think you’ll agree! (I’ve been trying to get help on the NHS since October and still nothing. Cool)

I just don’t know how I am ever meant to get truly better though. Or if I’ll ever actually well enough to live my life and do the one thing I want to more than anything - my music.

I get offers to do gigs, photoshoots and interviews etc most days and it’s just crushing me.

I feel like I’m just sat here watching my career fail, eating copious amounts of food (while trying not to get fat) and for some reason putting posts on Instagram that look like I’m having the best time. Ugh. What’s the fucking point in that?

Someone said something to me the other day actually that really made me think. A fellow spoonie friend who has ME too said that she felt like she was grieving the loss of her own life.

Grieving. Coming to terms. Acceptance. This makes perfect sense to me. Finally a word that I actually feel accurately describes how I am feeling.

If I am going to be how I am now for the rest of my life, then that would mean no career, no dating / love life, no real social life and for me that’s no real life at all. I want to be successful or at least know I did all I could to be successful. I want to have a family. I want to be happy.

Could I be happy without all or any of these things? I’m really not sure.

Moments of happiness maybe.

Sorry if this is a bit deep lol… I think I am just trying to come to terms with all of this and hope that anyone reading this feels a little less alone. I worry because someone I’m very close to has said to me on a number of occasions ‘you shouldn’t write your blog, I can’t even read it it’s too depressing’

Are they right?

I don’t know.

All I hope is that as time passes I WILL start to do a little better again and that you guys can come with me on that journey. I will find a way to cope with this because I have to.

When you have an illness with no cure or treatment the only person with any power to do anything is YOU. The fact is that no-one can help me, no-one but myself.

I have to find a way to turn this around and accept the limitations I have. I have to find a way to be happy even if all I’ve done in a day is watch Netflix and chill.. and I don’t mean in that way… man I wish I DID mean it in that way ;)

But seriously… I know I’ve come back from worse set backs in the past and I know that there is a way to switch things around and start building back up again. Then I’ll blog about how fucking great everything is… but for now you’re stuck with me, and I’m stuck with M.E. - BOOM!! Mic Drop!! Lyrics for daaaays!!! … sorry I am pretty impressed with myself for that one!

PLEASE don’t hesitate to contact me if you have been reading my blog. Always love to hear from y’all :)

Love and strength to anyone out there suffering x and love to those of you supporting us too xxx

9 notes · View notes