was in desperate need of some serotonin today, so here's some quick post-reveal bed-sharing

Words: 1K+ Summary:

Marinette wakes up to a bump in the night. It’s her boyfriend (and not in the way you’d think).

Thump.

The sound tore Marinette from her sleep. She shot straight up in bed, frantically scanning the area for danger. With a start, she realized she wasn’t in her room. Memories were returning slowly as she recalled deciding with Adrien to spend the night at his for once, both too tired after the long day to trek the extra few blocks to hers.

She gasped— Adrien. Her hand patted down the area to her immediate left, seeking his warmth where she was used to finding it. A steady rhythm from her heart beat against her rib cage as she turned to see his side of the bed empty.

“Oof,” a soft sigh breathed from the floor.

Marinette was leaning over the edge in a flash, finding her boyfriend rubbing his eyes as he slowly sat up.

“Adrien!” she gasped. “What happened? What are you doing?”

His eyes flickered to hers, bright even in the dark, and he chuckled. “I think” —his hand moved to massage his side, low by his hip— “it was a well-timed kick to my side.”

Her heart dropped in her chest. “What?”

He laughed again, pulling himself back onto the bed and taking her into his arms. “What kind of dream were you having, Buginette?” he asked. “Must have been pretty intense.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” she said, pushing against his chest so she could continue looking into his face. Mirth danced through his green eyes. “Are you implying that I kicked you out of the bed?” she asked disbelievingly. “Why are you so calm about it?”

“Oh. It’s not the first time.”

“What?”

Adrien shrugged. “Well, usually, when we’re at your place, I just kinda end up pushed against the wall? The loft has that nice built-in baby gate, lucky for me. This is the first time I’ve actually fallen out.”

Her jaw dropped open. This was mortifying information to receive in the middle of the night. “Adrien,” she said sternly, taking his shoulders in her hands and staring intensely into his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me I kick you every night?”

“It’s not every night,” he replied dismissively. She gave him a look. “Okay, it is most nights, but still! Not every night!”

“I don’t care how often it is!” She shook his shoulders, his body pliantly rocking back and forth with her movements. “Why wouldn’t you tell me so I can stop? I must be ruining your sleep!”

“I don’t mind.” He smiled, the picture of innocence. “I think it’s cute.”

Marinette wanted to growl, but she knew it wouldn’t be nearly as intimidating as she wanted it to with the red she could feel all over her face. She groaned, dragging her hands down her cheeks until the skin stretched. “What’s wrong with you?”

Again, Adrien gathered her in his arms, this time with Marinette accepting the embrace. She curled up against his chest as she felt him press a delicate kiss to the crown of her head. “It’s an honor to be your punching bag,” he joked.

“Adrien,” she groaned, thunking her head against his shoulder, “shut up.”

“Sorry.”

“Wait, no, that makes me feel worse,” she hastened to say. “I need to apologize to you! I’m sorry.”

He chuckled again, his warm breath tickling her forehead as it passed through her hair. “Like I said, I really, really don’t mind.”

“Why don’t you mind?” She pouted, tilting her head up to look at him. “Doesn’t it wake you up?”

“Sometimes, yeah, but–” He sighed as he seemed to look for the right words. His mouth tilted in a half-smile. “I like knowing you’re still there with me.”

All the embarrassment drained out of her as she noticed his tone change. “Do you think I would go somewhere?”

“Technically, no,” he answered honestly, “but sometimes… in the back of my mind…”

She frowned. “You get anxious.”

He took in a breath. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Marinette wrapped her arms around his midsection, pressing her face into his worn cotton t-shirt. He smelled of citrus and the fresh linen scent of her Maman’s favorite laundry detergent, making her smile. He smelled of home.

“I’d never leave you, Adrien,” she murmured.

“I know.”

“Especially not in the middle of the night.”

He laughed. “I know.” His arms tightened around her as he laid their bodies back down against the pillows. “We’re a package deal. A bonded pair.”

“Exactly,” she huffed. Leaning up on one arm, she poked him in the chest. “But you really should have told me I was kicking you in my sleep. I feel like a jerk.”

“A cute jerk.”

“Stop calling it cute!”

He waggled his eyebrows as he grinned at her. “It’s not my fault that everything you do is cute.”

She growled frustratedly. She wanted to be angry, but instead she pressed a kiss on the tip of his nose. “You’re so annoying.”

“Annoying and cute?”

Rolling her eyes, she leaned back onto his chest. “Yes,” she huffed.

Adrien laughed again, the sound reverberating in her eardrum. She loved the quiet moments like this where she could hear everything— his laugh, his breaths, his heart beating in his chest. The arm wrapped around his middle tugged him closer, and in response he squeezed her tighter against him.

“Seriously,” she mumbled, “wake me up next time. I don’t want to kick you out of bed.”

“It’s really not a big deal,” he whispered back. She opened her mouth in protest, but he spoke again before she could, “Sometimes it’s just a little nudge. Like this:” His foot connected with her shin under the blankets, gently pushing against her with featherlight pressure.

“Oh.”

“See? Nothing.”

“But–”

“And the kicking,” he interrupted, knowing exactly what she was going to say, as always, “I don’t mind, because I can always tell when you’re having a dream. And I like knowing that.” His thumb was brushing over the exposed skin on her shoulder, lulling her back towards sleep.

Against the siren song, she shook her head. “Still, if you ever want to wake me up– even just to talk, I want you to wake me up,” she whispered.

“Now, I know that’s sleep-Marinette talking.”

She would have rolled her eyes if she thought he could see it. “Ha ha,” she said sarcastically. “I mean it. I’d gladly lose a couple hours’ sleep for you.” She turned her head to press a kiss to his chest, right over his heart. “Especially knowing you would for me.”

“I would. Anytime.”

“I know.”

“Okay,” he mumbled into her hair, his lips brushing her scalp, “I’ll try not to let you attack me inexorably again.” She heard him breathe deeply, his chest expanding beneath her head.

“You’re lucky I’m so tired right now, kitty cat,” she mumbled, her eyes sliding shut.

“Yeah, I really am. I love you."

"Love you too..." she managed before sleep pulled her back in, warm in Adrien’s arms.

𝙸𝙽𝚃𝚁𝙾𝙳𝚄𝙲𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙸𝚂𝚃𝙰 𝙵𝙾𝚁 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙳𝙰𝚈: @the-iceni-bitch

ೀ ㅤ۫ ㅤ۪ㅤ۫ ㅤ ♡ ㅤ . 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄:

From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

Oh god, a 3.5? I will admit that it’s very hard for me not to downplay myself, it’s what I’m best at. I will say that I have gotten much better as a writer since I took it back up.

2. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

I think probably my dialogue. I find myself able to sink into relationship dynamics quite easily and am able to show a character’s personality through their conversation with other characters rather than just describing it.

3. Are there any writers that inspire you?

Well, I have to give credit where credit is due as @stargazingfangirl18 is the whole reason I started writing fanfic. Other fanfic authors I find myself drawing inspired from would be @angrythingstarlight, @boxofbonesfic, @slothspaghettiwrites, @onsunnyside, and @howdoyousleep3. For my non-fanfic writing I draw a lot of inspiration for Ursula LeGuin, George R.R. Martin, Robert Jordan, and Tolkien of course.

4. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

Definitely In the Pines. It’s so different from anything else I’ve ever written and I honestly love it. It’s so haunting and I’m very proud of the prose.

5. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write and which do you find most difficult to write?

Easiest is absolutely the quadrouple - my Ransom/reader/Ari/Jake kinda polycule that’s part of my No Love Like Your Love AU. I also find it really easy to write for Natasha and her peach from that same AU. Most difficult? Oof, off the top of my head Mike Weiss, he’s just kinda depressing.

6. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most?

Again, the quadrouple. They’re my comfort characters for a reason. I also just love writing about people in relationships, about them being in love and working through tough times but coming out better for it. I love when two (or more) people are just completely open and honest with each other and do their best to make each other better.

7. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about!

Fic wise all the upcoming stuff for the NLLYL verse, and there’s a lot. But I am most excited about my novel! It has so many characters that I love so much. It delves into stuff I’ve never written before but that I found surprisingly intriguing. And of course, there’s a ton of bangable characters. Blorbos for everyone.

8. First fandom you ever wrote for?

The Chris Evans fandom. I can’t help it, I want to fuck so many of that man’s characters. 

9. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

Omegaverse for sure. Specifically knotting and scent. I just want a giant, masculine smelling animal of a man to fuck me and then have his cock locked inside me for an hour. And the snuggly vibes of nesting and just having a bunch of soft and comforting things around you that smell like someone you love feeds the marshmallow romantic inside me.

10. A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

Look, every time I say I’m never going to write for something I end up writing it. But I can hopefully say that scat will never happen.

11. Wildest fic you’ve ever written?

Probably the one where Deadpool is stuck in a self-insert fanfic. It breaks the fourth wall and it’s short but it’s weird as fuck.

12. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

Ari and Jake. They’re so soft and sweet and perfect and I am never going to let anything bad happen to them ever.

13. Do you listen to anything while you write?

With my ADHD I have to. It’s usually just the tv though. I’ll put some sitcom I’ve watched a million times on in the background.

14. One-shots or multi-chaptered works?

This is kinda tough! I love creating AUs but I feel like those are more a bunch of one shots that just happen to be for the same couples in the same setting. But I also really love the actual series I’ve done. So I’m going to say multi-chapter.

15. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

Constantly! I mean, if I daydream about it I typically add it to my WIPs which is why I have so many. It’s usually just about my characters being happy and living their best lives in some way.

16. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

Not yet! I will say I’m a little bit intimidated still about writing for a male reader but after my first foray into it I feel much more comfortable.

17. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

I can’t think of a specific one but I’ve gotten a few from people who have told me my fics provide a little bright spot for them and I always enjoy hearing that! There was also an ask I got where someone told me they recommend and discuss my writing more than they do real authors and that felt pretty good.

18. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

This goes back to what I mentioned before but definitely writing for a male reader. The reason I wanted to do it was part curiosity to see if I could do it and part desire to write for an audience I hadn’t had a chance to connect with. It turned out really well and aside from some cliche accusations of fetishization I had a lot of positive engagement.

19. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst?

Fluff, always fluff. If I do the angst I end up living in it for days and I hate it. (I say this while hosting a giant angst ask a thon on my blog)

20. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them!

For my fics, aside from my reader characters who in spite of being inserts are basically OCs, there’s the second generation of my NLLYL core group. All the kids are so cute and when they grow up there’s a lot of fun to be had, new romances and I could just go on and on about them. For my novel, oh my god you guys. There’s the Viking pirate sealord, the feminist icon, the super hot himbo best friend, the tiny and fiery lady of the lakes, the sexy villain, the spoiled but handsome prince. And that’s not even all of them.

21. If you could enter the universe of any one of your fics, which would it be and why?

Would it surprise anyone if I said the NLLYL verse? Because that’s the one. It’s like my security blanket.

22. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

Just that I have zero control over where my muse goes. If you’re craving the next installment in a series or an AU I am also craving it, but I’m also not going to force my muse to go somewhere and put something out that isn’t up to my standards.

23. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

“The cold wind whipped through your nightgown and tangled it around your limbs as you stared at the sky in rapture, bathed in the silvery light of the moon like some kind of goddess.” - In The Pines

24. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

I just love the community I’ve been able to cultivate in the fic writing community. Not just the members of this server but so many readers who leave thoughtful and sweet comments that always make my day. 

I really love how well you’ve written one and two, like they’re different from Leo and Donnie because of how they grew up but it’s still incredibly in character, like they are how rise!donnie and Leo would be if they’d grown up like that.

I’ve been wondering if things were reversed and it was the twins that got saved by yoshi and it was Raph and Mikey raised by Draxum (let’s call them three and four because while I know they’d probably be one or two that’s too confusing lol) how do you think you’d write them? Or design them? (If you’re ever interested in drawing/thinking about it for that much lol no pressure)

Like where would three and four be similar to how you’ve written one and two? And how would they be completely different based on the canon personalities?

No pressure to respond I’m just incredibly interested in your thoughts and I like thinking about what ifs at 3am when I can’t sleep lol

Thank you!! That's one of my favorite things about this au

Ooh, that's a really good question. I've never thought about it before but I'd really love to work through this scenario.

If Draxum raised Raph and Mikey, I think his principles would be pretty similar. He would want to raise Raph and Mikey as soldiers, not as his own children.. but, to be honest.. I think Mikey would soften him up a little bit. Draxum probably wouldn't be as strict with Raph and Mikey as he was with Leo and Donnie. In this case, Draxum raises Raph and Mikey practically the same way, but he's a lot more lenient and patient.

Draxum would've guided Raph towards the leader role, but I think he would've trained them somewhat equally, unlike with One and Two.

I can see Raph being this outwardly calm and collected leader, who internally has absolutely no idea what he's doing and has a dash of rage issues when provoked. Unlike EMD Raph, he'd probably be less protective of Mikey just because he knows that he's capable of protecting himself.

As for the sweet little orange angel, I can imagine Mikey being a little unhinged and chaotic who can only be tamed by Raph. He's got a very unique and unpredictable fighting style and is probably a lot more reckless. He's an adrenaline junkie and lives off of danger. He's not afraid of anything, except losing the people that he loves.

I'm not quite sure about their designs, but maybe I'll take some time to think about it and experiment with it. I'm loving this spin-off au already lol.

I know this is mainly ab Raph and Mikey but I'm gonna talk about Leo and Donnie too.

I think Leo and Donnie would've learned how to take care of/look out for each other if they were raised by Splinter. Not that One and Two don't, it's just in a very different way. Without them being categorized into ranks and because there's no pressure from Draxum, Leo and Donnie can learn how to love each other without feeling inferior or like anything is expected of them. There's nothing keeping them from having a good relationship with each other. There probably wouldn't be an "older" twin, they'd treat each other as equals. It'd be so cool actually if they were both vigilantes and fought crime side-by-side. They are both leaders and just an amazing and iconic duo. When they find out about Raph and Mikey, it would go a lot differently. For the most part, I can see both Leo and Donnie/Raph and Mikey wanting to be one family, but I think there would be more hesitance with Raph and Donnie. Donnie, because hey these guys work for BARON DRAXUM of all people and Raph, because hey we should probably listen to Dad. But mainly what's stopping them from merging their families is Draxum and Splinter. Draxum wants all 4 turtles for himself, so that he can destroy the humans and Splinter wants all 4 of his sons and he won't let Draxum take them away again.

I think it'd be pretty funny if this au was basically just one huge parent trap and/or the four brothers trying to keep Draxum and Splinter from finding out the other set of brothers exist because then a war would break out between them.

That's all the ideas I have for now, not sure if I'll flesh it out more but this was really fun to think about. I'm kinda loving this idea and it could be a really fun au of the au lol

Jubilee, Rank #72 (a post-event reflection)

“Why would you post this on Nocturne’s 7th anniversary of its addition to Starlight Stage?” Because one, I like the song—especially the original duet. And two, screw it, we roll.

It has been a few weeks since the event ended, but I’ve been trying to write this reflection for weeks without trying to lose my mind over actually writing out several thoughts (both good and bad) over a collaboration event in a mobile rhythm/gacha game. Forgive me for the raw honest thoughts I’m about to say in there.

The Prologue

Hoshimachi Suisei is a virtual YouTuber (VTuber) affiliated with Hololive Production, one of the biggest virtual agencies for such talents. She is one of the earliest talents recruited by the agency, alongside other soloist VTubers like Tokino Sora, Roboco, Sakura Miko, and AZKi—together referred to as “Generation 0”. She is also someone striving to become an idol herself. Prior to becoming affiliated with her current agency, she had tried entering IRL idol agencies, to no avail. She tried joining Hololive Production, but got rejected. She got into INoNaKa Music, but would eventually get transferred into Hololive’s main JP branch in December 2019.

To briefly describe her activities: Suisei is a forever 18, multi-talented idol who has done (and sung) a lot of accomplishments over the years. She has interest in 2D idols as well, with her having interest in Ensemble Stars!! and THE IDOLM@STER, the latter of which being an inspiration that led her into her own idol journey. She would do covers alongside other Hololive talents with songs from those two series. “Honeycomb Summer”, “Melty♡Kitchen”, “Alive Factor”, “Hanamuke no Tori”… to name a few. There were also times where she would often be pulling in the respective games’ gacha, often spending a lot of money on them. Her favorite idols from Enstars!! and IM@S include Ritsu Sakuma, Natsume Sakaki, Hayate Hisakawa, and Kaede Takagaki.

Six years after her debut, she would perform with her own tantou.

At Suisei’s 6th Anniversary 3D live, appropriately titled “SheenderellaDay”, a certain someone would perform with one of her fans.

The song? It was “Koi Kaze”.

Suisei shared the same stage with no one other than Kaede Takagaki, who was in her 1st SSR outfit. This was followed up by a small MC corner. Kaede switched into her 4th SSR outfit, and then a new song written by Suisei’s recurring composer, lyricist, and fellow Midnight Grand Orchestra member TAKU INOUE started playing on stage. As the concert was happening, I was merely saying “congrats” in my mind.

And thus, the grand “Jubilee” started.

The Event (and My Mixed Feelings)

It’s easy for me to say that among the people who wanted a Hololive collab with THE IDOLM@STER in-game, Suisei probably won the hardest. She got her own in-game event, original song, a commu, and even an SSR in the series she loves—ignoring the behind-the-scenes shenanigans we will probably never fully know about. There were previous Hololive collab events in other gacha games, with Tokyo 7th Sisters and Granblue Fantasy getting their collabs in the past few years, but when it came to Starlight Stage’s collaborations, this was the game’s most intense collab yet.

I… didn’t initially plan on running this event much. While I was initially excited by the intensity of the collab event upon its official announcement, there were lingering feelings of “what if this were to be my tantou idol’s last event” and a slight hint of disappointment. The “end” of Starlight Stage had become a recurring topic among English-speaking Ps ever since the so-called “content reduction” announcement was released before the end of 2023. The collaboration itself was teased in that same announcement, but I presumed that the things around the collab were already in production as the whole “content reduction” stuff was being decided. The thought of losing IM@S’ most profitable mobile game because of whatever Bandai Namco is up to is kinda scary. It’s a silly sentiment towards a live service mobile game that will shut down eventually, but the thought is also real.

Then, there’s Kaede herself. Her last token event (and unit from the original mobile game) in Deresute, “Pretty Liar”, was held back in 2018. There’s… things I could say about her content released after that, both things I liked, things I felt odd towards, and things I didn’t really like all that much. In a nutshell: I want to see Kaede as “herself” and not just as the “final boss” Cinderella Girl that she is. It’s complicated.

And yet, this event’s timing couldn’t have been even more perfect. Lately I’ve been finding March and April to have moments involving my tantous. The event’s duration overlapped with March 30 (one year since Cinderella FES Mizuki’s release and eventually sparking FES Kaede in that same banner) and April 2 (10th Anniversary Tour Final, aka the live that changed the trajectory of my producing life forever). And the whole thing took place during Holy Week break, no less. The only real issues I would’ve had were potential connection issues that may arise in a then-upcoming 3-day road trip.

Why did this event have to be 11 days long?

The Actual Grind

Day 1 of the event started with me messing around with all my early intense grinding. I managed to get around the top 20 within the first 30 minutes of the event. Trying to maintain a top 100 spot was hard during the first few days, but eventually things stabilized as the days went on.

For a short break during the first day, I pulled on the collab gacha. My Suisei gacha tickets didn’t give me too much and got me an off-rate SSR (Miyo1), so I resorted to using jewels. Here came Kaede’s collab limited SSR, fully animated. My jewel count went from 55k at the start of the event to 36k—which would eventually be thrown into event ranking hell instead of being saved for the Kaede7 reruns (which was its own story).

During day 2, I kept playing (actually sending my auto Grand team through EVERLASTING FORTE hell and back) while I was at a local convention for the whole afternoon. Not pictured: me showing fellow artists there that I was playing the event! I may have fallen out from my goal for a while, dammit, but I kept farming for tokens anyway.

In addition, I drank some coffee especially during the last few days, although sometimes I find myself feeling a bit sleepy…

Throughout days 6-8, I was stuck on the annual provincial road trip during Holy Week. I brought two phones through the whole thing: my main phone whose mobile data has been mostly spent on event grinding, and a side phone where I would often chat on Discord or play videos and music during the trip. During the second night, I did get to stay in the hotel room by myself (we had two hotel rooms) and took that opportunity to try staying awake.

On day 9, I hit the 99,999,999 money cap for the first time. Nothing too significant about it other than me having to spend a lot on stuff from the limited money shop. (That’s why gold bars exist in-game!)

The final two nights had me trying my damn best to stay up for as much as possible past 1 or 2 AM. If you really value your sleep and sanity over a dumb number for a popular idol’s event, I do not recommend this.

The last day of the event was quite a stressful trip. Within the final 24 hours, I wanted to try reaching the maximum amount of tokens you could hold (99,999 tokens) but I feared that there would not be enough time for me to reach the target. I ended up stopping the EVERLASTING FORTE grind as soon as I got to 90k.

I wanted to park at certain numbers related to my tantous (Ray Distance’s Mobamas debut date, the day CG 4th LIVE’s performance of Nocturne happened, etc.) but I wouldn’t have enough time and/nor tokens to actually reach those numbers. Near the end I tried getting 1,591,715 (Mizuki and Kaede’s respective heights) but in the end, I only managed to reach the 1.59 million point mark with the last tokens I grinded and spent.

The hardest part of the event was actually trying to keep that high amount of uptime, and it was more apparent when I would get knocked out as I was trying to stay awake. I have a terrible sleep schedule (or lack thereof) but my sleepy butt wouldn’t keep me awake for too long. The loop of pressing buttons every 2 minutes felt monotonous for 11 days straight, minus the part where I actually played the event song for either jewels or to get a high score.

My complicated feelings towards Kaede’s latest event song being a collab with a popular VTuber was stuck in my mind, and I first thought I would try to settle for Top 500 early on; but previous sentiments and “final event” anxiety, combined with some encouragement from friends and other Producers (who ranked with me) kept telling me to keep going.

I ultimately finished the event at rank #72, which is… certainly a number associated with ChihayaPs. With a total of 1,590,435 points. I saw the numbers on Haruka’s birthday (April 3), send help.

I also made it to SSS rankings for the first time. It’s something I never really cared for, usually, but apparently ranking very high in a token event would let you in the top 1000. I never saw my actual SSS rank at the end of March (since I was too busy grinding), but I probably made it in the top 500 in the 91st SSS ranking that month.

The Tantou Unit Revenge

There’s one last thing I want to talk about, something I’ve been preparing for almost a year by that point. Long story short: I wanted to tier for the units I produce, and for the idols that are closest to me. I wanted to do that with S.E.M (my first tantou unit), but over the last few years my chances kept fading with each SideM game that got killed. By the time Growing Stars leaked announced its shutdown, I ended up starting to ask for a Kaede and Mizuki event (as Ray Distance) for me to tier in for me to have some form of “revenge” and (hopefully) closure on that front.

Of course that dream event didn’t happen (yet), knowing how much Bandai Namco and Cygames likes putting that After20 duo (who also have some of the busiest VAs in the series) together sometimes.

Over 2023, I did get some top 2000s here and there, in both token and groove events. The last event with my actual tantous in it happened over a year ago (Heartboiled Wars with Tomoe). Every event I’ve tiered in has had an idol I like: Aki, Sanae, Airi, Kanade, and Koharu.

And yet, I didn’t tier in this event because I like Suisei… I tiered in this event because I like Kaede. So much that I ended up producing her.

As weird as I feel about the collaboration as a whole, giving up on this chance would’ve left me with intense regret for several reasons. Future me would be really disappointed if this is to be Kaede’s final Starlight Stage event. (So I hope she gets one more event after this…)

The possibility of me failing a chance of tiering one of my closest tantou’s events again scared me. I lost my chances more than once, and it would probably hurt if I give up that chance. It wasn’t the ideal event I wanted to try in, but the timing was too perfect not to ignore either. There were many thoughts swirling in my head throughout the whole thing, but then again… it’s a tantou event in the end.

I’m awaiting Mizuki’s next event (especially since she hasn’t gotten a new song for nearly 3 years now), but I need to recover first.

Despite everything…

In the end, I do not regret being Kaede’s producer.

The Stats

PLv: 347 → 501. The 2x fan campaign combined with a bit of the EXP Produce perk boosts may have helped a lot.

Jewel count: 55k (pre-gacha) → 36k (post-gacha) → 7k. Thank goodness I didn’t have to spark Kaede in that limited banner.

Idols made past 15 million fans: Uzuki, Takumi, Nanami, and Tomoe. Three of my tantous & an excessive use of Nanami’s FES SSR.

Idols made past 10 million fans: Seira, Yui, and Koharu. Sanae, Miku, Nana, Ranko, and Karen also got a significant boost in fans due to all of this.

SSS songs cleared: Gaze and Gaze. Been wanting to save getting that clear for a special event.

Stamina drinks spent: everything.

Total no of EVERLASTING FORTE plays at the end: 2,947.

SSRs obtained from collab gacha: 5 (two Kaedes, one Rin4, a Makino1 dupe, and a Miyo1.) I’d eventually gain another 2 SSRs after the event (neither of them were Suisei though. I had to resist pulling further because a Kaede7 rerun was coming…)

The Special Thanks

The KaigaiPs that ranked with me in the top 100 (Zhu and Shiina especially—those two are on a different league of their own) for helping me survive this tiresome first Deresute T100 attempt.

My fellow online friends from the various Discord servers and on Twitter, for supporting me. I’ve been keeping that whole thing under wraps from my main account out of embarrassment, but yeah.

The Hololive Fan Wiki, Virtual YouTuber Wiki, and the JP Hololive Unofficial Wiki for Suisei research.

As a final note… when’s Passion Jewelries? Or the next Kaede/Mizuki event?

What do you think of MC x Wayne? The devs' most favorable pairing above all the characters, in spite of Stella being the #1 popular Li. Isn't he supposed to be our otp for the main player? I know that you don't seem very fond of Wayne lately because of how he feels and treats your main Li, especially how he is going to feel about that character's unfortunate outcome in one of the bad endings involving a character's death? Also, who will you romance if you are not together with Reese? Oscar or Stella, perhaps?

gotta be honest, this feels like bait.

first off - i’m so confused by a lot of this. i don’t think the devs ever said mc x wayne was their favorite pairing, or that it was supposed to be an otp for the player character??? the way the game works is that there is no “otp” for the player character - you can choose to romance whoever you want, or no one at all; it’s all dependent on your individual playthrough.

second - i don’t really think ive said that the reason i dislike wayne is because of how he treats reese. i mean, that definitely doesn’t help, but my main beef with him is how he treats the MC. he acts like you’re an idiot who can’t make decisions for yourself (but only if you make decisions he doesn’t agree with - very controlling) and denies the MC autonomy by refusing to listen when they tell him to stop doing things, like following them around or threatening to hurt their friends (which, in the case of reese, he actually goes through with). he’s also just an asshole, and i don’t enjoy the way he talks about a lot of people and creatures.

in general, his behavior and personality remind me of creepy asshole guys i’ve had to deal with in my past, and it kind of baffles me when people try and paint him as a good guy. he’s not meant to be a good guy. i think a lot of people know that and that’s why they’re drawn to him (and i get it bc i have plenty of villains i love lol), but I’ve seen just as many people who act like it would be crazy to want to get away from Wayne and the best course of action is to let him have full control and “protect” you all the time. like, if you want that for your playthrough, that’s great, go for it. but i take umbrage with the idea that it’s an objective reality that everyone needs to accept.

now, all this is to say that i do think he’s a well written character. i like him as an antagonist and i think the devs did a great job of creating him in a way that elicits real fear. love him as a character, but despise him when i’m actually experiencing the game as MC, and when people act like I’m committing a crime by disliking him and i need to change my opinion. everyone seems to get it when you say you hate sybil, but if you say you don’t like wayne, people act like you’ve confessed to murder.

moving away from that rant, this message is just baffling in general lmao. quickly addressing most everything else - i’m fine with the concept of mc x wayne, everyone can ship what they want, it’s just not for me, and i dont want to be told that it is the “canon route/best route” and everyone should love it and choose it or whatever. ive never really talked about stella so idk where you got that i would want to romance her??? she’s one of the characters im just not attracted to bc she’s not my type. i will always choose reese in every playthrough bc i feel like im abandoning or betraying him if I don’t, but if I couldn’t choose him, I would choose oscar, followed by kaneeka.

i’m hoping this is enough to end any more questions from you, because if you come back with more bait/troll type messages, I’ll probably just block.

FIC WRITER INTERVIEW

Thank you to @softguarnere , @hesbuckcompton-baby , & @mercurygray for the tags :) let’s get into it

—

HOW MANY WORKS DO YOU HAVE ON AO3?

Nine! I’ve had AO3 for a while, but I was a Wattpad fic writer for a long, long time.

WHAT’S YOUR TOTAL AO3 WORD COUNT?

147,512

WHAT ARE YOUR TOP FIVE FICS BY KUDOS?

Sad, Beautiful, Tragic, its connected works, and then a Ron character study. Can we tell I’ve only been posting on AO3 for a year yet?

DO YOU RESPOND TO COMMENTS? WHY OR WHY NOT?

I try to! If someone’s taking the time out of their day to say something about what I’ve written, commenting back is the least I can do — it’s a good way to say thank you (I’ve also met a lot of my friends through commenting and responding to comments).

WHAT’S THE FIC YOU’VE WRITTEN WITH THE ANGSTIEST ENDING?

…I’m a sucker for happy endings, guys. I can’t think of one off the top of my head. I know I wrote an apocalypse au Vicki/Hoos thing that had a pretty stress-inducing end, but other than that, I can’t think too much on it.

WHAT’S THE FIC YOU’VE WRITTEN WITH THE HAPPIEST ENDING?

I don’t know if this counts but Home For Christmas ends with the Speirs family trying for another kid a-la-fade to black, so I think that’s a pretty decent end

DO YOU WRITE CROSSOVERS?

My secret plan is to actually get all the OFCs to assemble like the power rangers in the final shot of a Nickelodeon film (yes I write crossovers, fandom-related and friend-character related, THEYRE FUN!)

HAVE YOU EVER RECEIVED HATE ON A FIC?

Yes when I was like twelve years old, but otherwise people are very kind. Or maybe my friends are right about me being a little scary [big shrug]

DO YOU WRITE SMUT? IF SO, WHAT KIND?

Yeah, very rarely PWP, but I do write it. It tends to lean towards M/F, but I’m not opposed to trying my hand at other stuff if inspiration strikes. Just don’t expect anything insane over here.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FIC STOLEN?

God I hope not.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FIC TRANSLATED?

nope!

HAVE YOU EVER CO-WRITTEN A FIC BEFORE?

Nope! But I do tend to wrap all my friends into AU ideas and then we branch off and do our own things with it (hello Sam and the Pacific Band AU)

WHATS YOUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE SHIP?

I never know how to answer this because I just Like Things but it’s probable Percabeth. The couple that raised me.

WHATS A WIP THAT YOU WANT TO FINISH BUT DONT THINK YOU EVER WILL?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

WHAT ARE YOUR WRITING STRENGTHS?

I’ve been told I’m good at capturing character voice / making dialogue distinct. I also think I’m pretty good at writing complex family dynamics.

WHAT ARE YOUR WRITING WEAKNESSES?

Inability to stfu and describing settings. No matter how many reference photos I stare at I can never adequately describe a layout of a building to save my life.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON WRITING DIALOGUE IN OTHER LANGUAGES IN A FIC?

It’s fun! Tragically I don’t speak the languages that would likely be spoken in the fandom I write currently (French, German) but as someone learning Spanish I’ve managed to slip a few Spanish words in there, and then in original work I’ve done it before.

WHAT WAS THE FIRST FANDOM YOU WROTE FOR?

Shoutout Riordanverse

WHAT'S A FANDOM/SHIP YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN FOR YET BUT WANT TO?

Not too sure to be completely honest. I wanted to write the Ron/Daisy/Nix crack-throuple thing eventually, or just the Daisy/Nix crackship, because I guess I just have a thing for hot messes. And also the 87 MOTA OC ideas / ships I have in the back of my brain

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FIC YOU'VE WRITTEN?

Sad Beautiful Tragic is a love letter to a seasonally-depressed college sophomore who felt extremely disconnected from the world around her, and so it is extremely near to my heart. Firstborn AO3 fic privileges.

TAGGING: fairly certain all my go-to tag people have been tagged on this, so if you’re seeing this: I tag you, person on the internet, if you have not done it already.

WRITER ASK GAME 3, 23, 32, 42 & 55

YAY thank you sm for the ask marz!!

3: Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

hoo boy okay. so these are WILDLY different processes for me because i usually don’t do chaptered fics. that is because my usual process is getting inspiration, and before i lose that, writing a draft. what makes certain fics take way longer is when i CANT get through a whole draft without losing inspiration and then i have to just keep coming back to it. at that point i read through it and change details, add details, and refine, and once i’ve refreshed my memory on what the flow of the story is, i’ll try to add on. sometimes i can add a lot, sometimes i can only add little bits at a time, so fics will drag out from initial conception to actually being published. for my only chaptered fic, i am still struggling with that second part, where i need to keep going back and working on it. so hi, if you’re wondering if and i ache is EVER going to be updated, the answer is hopefully. the difference is that for that fic specifically, I HAVE AN OUTLINE WRITTEN. granted it’s a very simple outline but i rarely write down an actual outline, i just make a roadmap for myself in my head. i may actually try to start integrating that for longer fics like the still-in-purgatory exterminators au, as those tend to be more complicated and it would PROBABLY be helpful to not have it in my head. in any case, my process is usually to just keep going back to it over and over again and picking at little bits of it, changing something here, adding something there, until i feel it’s in as good a shape as it can be. if i’m stuck feeling like it’s not great but i don’t know how to fix it OR i just feel like having an outside perspective i will sometimes loop my friends into it and ask them for some feedback :)

23: Best writing advice for other writers?

oh, god. okay. i don’t feel like i’m very qualified to be handing out advice, really, i’m just some guy who writes stories i like about characters i like. okay. hm. i think what makes stories better though is definitely get some fresh eyes on it! get some feedback from people who DO know what they’re doing. ask your writer friends to look at it and tell you what they think is lacking or needs changing. that honest to god has improved my writing a lot. other than that, though, i think reading different kinds of writing, good writing, good fanfiction that rivals novels but also REAL novels, different authors, different genres, whatever. that will improve your writing because you’ll have a much more varied pool of inspiration to pull from AND you’ll expand your vocabulary, vary your sentence structure, learn new ways of expressing yourself. of course i’m not good at following my own advice because finding time to sit down and read is HARD for me BUT i KNOW FOR A FACT that it makes you better. god knows my own work has been easier to complete/i’ve had more inspiration, i’ve found the words flow easier, things sound better and more mature and less regurgitated, etc, when i’ve been reading other people’s work. but again like it has to be GOOD writing otherwise it’ll work in the opposite direction. read literature, kids.

32: Name three of your favorite fanfic writers.

WHEE okay! here you go:

@sleevesareforlosers /costumejail (danny doesn’t write for dd anymore but xe literally has over 150 fics to peruse. shilling for my bestie go read danny’s stuff ok ESPECIALLY since i know a lot of y’all like kobracola and funkobra)

allhaunting + semperfemina (as far as i’m concerned they’re a package deal and iirc they’re actually a married couple. anyways the dynamic they write changes slightly from fic to fic but it’s always realistically toxic and super interesting. plus they’re just really good writers. one of their fics’ endings makes me cry on a regular basis. anyways. it’s good give ‘em a look)

hard to decide on a concrete third…probably a tie between @agentcherricola /truefinches, present company/tiredstressed, and @discocritic . like YES i know only one of those three people i listed is actively writing dd fic rn and it’s you, marz, but i’ve been around for a long time by dd fandom standards. disco’s stuff is really good and solid and i feel bad for y’all that will never get to read the stuff of theirs that no longer exists on the internet /gen & matt’s got good stuff too plus we’re friends so i have to try and prod y’all to check his work out. OH and i almost forgot but @paralytic-states is another good friend of mine who i’d consider part of the remnants of the funpoison old guard still here on dd tumblr <3

give all these folks some love they’re very talented!! 💕

42: What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?

last fic i read was Habit Forming by ros3bud009 and yes i would recommend it. if people were allowed to be gay on tv in the 60s this could have all happened in the show which should tell you something about how insane star trek already is <3 spirk nation

55: Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

ghoul is my favorite character BUT. party is my favorite to write. that’s never really changed, theyre just fun because their perspective especially of themself oftentimes does NOT line up with reality and it’s fun to play with that. on the other hand i’ve started to really enjoy writing kobra and jet as well for fresh perspectives on things and also because it’s fun to get to write about different characters’ perspectives and motivations! like i mentioned in the last ask i got for this game character-driven stuff is my favorite to write :]

thank you again so so much for the ask!

send me fic writer asks from HERE!

1, 14, 27, 29 for the writers ask:)

Thank you for the ask!! ❤️

1) Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

I would absolutely LOVE to be able to write as soon as I get the idea. Back in the day I did sometimes do that and it was free, and fun, and so exhilarating until I ended up with half a dozen WIPs and felt so stressed about it all.

Honestly most of my ideas live on a list for years before they get written - if they ever do. It’s something that depresses me if I think about it, how so many ideas will never be realised because the ideas never stop. It would take me years - a decade or more - even writing solidly to write everything on my list now. To be honest because of this outside when I first get the burst of the idea, I try not to daydream about it too much. I can’t work on everything, all at once, and I don’t want to forget anything and then get that nagging feeling that I had a better idea if I ever do get round to working on it.

14) What is your favorite location and position to write in?

At my desk, on the PC. For my original novels I’ve been planning in Plottr (and have that open on one side) and drafting in NovelPad (open on the other side). I need that reference. I am so unbelievably spoiled having an UltraWide monitor (and before that I had dual screens) that I don’t function well without. I have attempted to write on the iPad and I get frustrated and give up if it’s anything more than a simple oneshot with little/no planning. If I can’t have it open in one window, then it’s a PC job.

27) What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

Revision analysis I think 😛 and yes I do know that’s not probably what the question meant. It’s by far my favourite part of the writing process (planning is second). I feel like I’m quite good at spotting where it needs improvement and then brainstorming how to fix it. I adore that rush when the brain goes like lightning and it all just clicks together. The execution (drafting) as always is infinitely harder. Very much “how do words work” as big picture - plot, character background/arc, theme etc. I am fairly confident but the actual description, making it all happen part, not so much.

To tie back a bit into question 1, this year I decided to reboot a series I first started writing November 2015. I hadn’t written in that world since late 2016/early 2017. I have complete drafts of the first 2 books, and half of book three. Anyway in January I tore into it and replotted Book One, reworked characters, went deeper into the world building etc. I kept the main plot points of the book but where before logic was lacking, I hopefully made it make sense. I then dove into redrafting it (finished end of March) and I’m taking a breath before I analyse it again to see how I did this time.

The thing with revision is it’s a learning practice. I read a lot of craft books but when I’m writing it’s impossible to hold all that information in my head. But when I’m looking at something that exists (aka not a blank page) I can see more clearly. At least I hope I can.

Besides I have been told that this makes me an “editing unicorn” as it’s apparently weird to like the revision part of writing haha.

29) What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

Hmm the way the question is phrased that doesn’t sound like “name a story, or name a scene, or a line” etc. it sounds like it wants a skill like the above question. But the thing is I feel very much like I am a work in progress myself with my skills. I don’t feel good enough yet, I hope one day I will, but that day is not today.

But! To go back to what I said about the execution being infinitely harder - I like my ideas. I mean I guess I should they are mine haha, but they are ideas I want to see in the world. I write what I want to read I guess (just dammit why do I have to write it? Haha) but yeah I think I am proud of my ideas. Nothing is new under the sun so I am sure they aren’t revolutionary but they mean something to me.

I’m a firm believer in the power of fiction. I feel like attitudes can be normalised. That if we see a lot of hate that hate becomes normal and more people hate. But vice versa if we imagine a better world, if we see diversity in all its infinite amazing combinations on screen/in books, that can become normal, and prejudice will become less prevalent and there might be less hate. I don’t know maybe that’s naive but it’s what I believe. But yeah I guess I am proud that maybe one day my work can play a small part in that.

squeeze (5.0 with how many posts i’ve made / reblogged — probably about to be my most annoying post ever bc i can’t stand colton)

under a cut because this is the most ridiculous post i’ve written (screenshots of other posts at the end ft, @the-spooky-alien & @mellowmanatee)

first tooms watching from the sewer made me think of the grimlocks from charmed. different vibes but equal creep factor.

i really can’t stand colton, he is such an ass. like he’s with scully at a nice restaurant for lunch, trying to flirt with her (and not that she doesn’t flirt back but there’s just nothing actually there like. it just looks like bad banter & obligatory flirting) but that isn’t what gets me. he’s so jealous of one of their old classmates moving up. scully just says “good for marty” and like the literal WHINING he does. why she makes him feel better i don’t understand. then he does the dumbest thing ever

have you had any close encounters of the third kind?

is that what everyone thinks i do?

no of course not. but you do work with “spooky” mulder

mulder’s ideas may be a bit out there, but he is a great agent

like. literally she just made you feel better and you’re making her feel like shit? exposing what you think of her work & her partner. giving her a taste of what mulder deals with frequently. and idk she seems so uncomfortable talking about this, maybe because she had that impression of mulder going in but focused on the work, didn’t hold what everyone said about mulder against him…and idk, it’s just bad manners to talk badly about your partner?! like what is wrong with this man, how would this endear her toward him? legit, he’s trying to steal her from mulder and he’s just so bad at it. it only gets Worse.

AND THEN he has the audacity to ask for their help on a case right after this

this looks like an x file

let’s not get carried away. i’m going to solve these murders, but…what i would like from you is to go over the case histories. maybe come down to the crime scene.

do you want me to ask mulder?

okay if he wants to come down and do you a favor, great. but make sure he knows this is my case…dana, if i can break a case like this one, i’ll be getting my bump up the ladder, and you? maybe you won’t have to be mrs. spooky anymore

LITERALLY TRYING TO STEAL HER. and what is his real motive? i don’t get it lol and i just hate him. but i guess it’s about to bring some of my most favorite moments so there’s that.

(also the way they’re discussing gruesome murders over lunch. she’s literally looking at pictures in the middle of her meal 😭 — flash forward to jersey devil when she won’t discuss the case with her lame date over dinner lol kinda funny cuz she could handle it, but regular civilians could not)

and so of course she brings in mulder — because she knows colton actually wanted her to & because she doesn’t work a case without her partner she was explicitly assigned to work with. this conversation simultaneously makes me giggle & hurts my heart

so why didn’t they ask me?

they’re friends of mine from the academy. i’m sure they just felt more comfortable talking to me

the way she breaks eye contact when she says the last part

why would i make them so uncomfortable?

it probably has to do with your reputation.

reputation? i have a reputation?

mulder, look, colton plays by the book, and you don’t. they feel your methods, your theories, are…

spooky? do you think i’m spooky?

he really doesn’t want her to think he’s spooky. i love the way she’s honest with him but doesn’t want to hurt or insult him, and she tries to do it so kindly (scully has the BIGGEST heart in the world and i adore her)

but then of course colton walks in, and mulder is annoyed & jealous so he decides to mess with colton. i think these two men being all territorial & basically having a cock fight over her really upsets her. and she just seems conflicted. she’s embarrassed by mulder’s behavior in front of colton, part of her wants to move up, but i don’t think she’s loved colton’s behavior so far. she gives them both several chances through this ep…

mulder always gets mocked but he continuously finds important evidence that other agents would never even think to look. (and colton tells scully about his shitty theory 🙄)

mulder loves to show scully old x files & evidence. it’s sweet honestly. too bad scully is annoyed with him and took his alien comments too seriously. she can’t take his theory seriously — how could she? a 100+ yr old serial killer and this is only their third case together.

scully’s conflicting thoughts & feelings are just. so palpable. she already feels a loyalty to mulder but it’s hard to reconcile with her own beliefs & fbi procedure and it’s even harder when they’re working with other agents who ~go by the book~ (but literally scully is TOO GOOD to go by the book when it’s wrong & isn’t actually serving justice yet always does her best to keep mulder in line)

the fact that mulder “asks” her to have a separate investigation. let colton have his and they can have theirs. unclear what her decision really is, cuz it seems like she’s working both — or is it just one to her?

the profile she writes & presents to VCS is pretty damn accurate. tooms looks somewhere between 25-35, he’s got a uniform, blends in when his eyes aren’t all yellow lol

but OOF idk how she gets through it when they start taking a shot at mulder & everyone laughs. she’s too kind & professional for that kind of behavior but saying anything could hurt her working relationship with these guys (and there is still a case to solve…) and it seems to be she’s contemplating a lot. about how mulder is treated, her choices & what she wants, what kind of work environment & partnership she wants…

i love the stakeout scene. it freaks me out that she’s alone?? doesn’t seem right even if others are on site. but of course mulder shows up and she gets all snippy 😂 he’s telling her she’s wrong, she thinks she’s right. AND FINALLY. scully turns out to be right and mulder actually says it. i love him for that.

(also does tooms crawl out of a *closed* vent? does that seem right if he was trying to do his job?)

the lie detector test. more reasons to hate colton & the vcs guys. tooms seemingly passed but the two questions mulder put in, he failed. vcs bros want to let him go but scully still thinks he’s the guy, mulder agrees. but asshole vcs guy let’s him go and colton tries to make scully feel better ~it doesn’t mean your profile’s wrong~ like you’re so dumb bro. literally. that wasn’t actually why she was bothered. but that’s how he’d be feeling, ego bruised.

now it’s one of my favorite moments !!!!!!!!

tom, i want to thank you for letting me put in some time with the VCS. but i am officially assigned to the x files.

i’ll see what i can do about that.

tom, i can look out for myself.

you said mulder was out there. that guy’s insane.

like. she says that after they’re so aggressive toward mulder. i get it, he seems crazy. but he’s an fbi agent for a reason. just because you don’t like what he investigates (because y’all would be so far out of your depth and USELESS like you are with this case) doesn’t mean you should be so aggressive & disrespectful. like where is the professional decorum. it’s so fucking embarrassing.

and besides that, the vcs guys don’t listen to her. and even when mulder doesn’t agree, he listens to her. even as he’s pushing his own theory. he listens to her and they follow the evidence.

sincerely the way colton treats her like a damsel is ridiculous. drives me crazy.

AND THEN THE SCENE. scully starts out frustrated but mulder is mulder

you knew they wouldn’t believe you. why did you push it?

maybe i thought you caught the right guy… and maybe i run into so many people who are hostile just because they can’t open their minds to the possibilities that sometimes the need to mess with their heads outweighs the millstone of humiliation.

it seems like you were acting very territorial. i don’t know, forget it.

of course i was. [fingers get necklace & she looks down at his hand] in our investigations, you may not always agree with me, but at least you respect the journey. and if you want to continue working with them, i won’t hold it against you. [he walks away & she’s contemplating everything that just happened]

no-oh. i don’t know. you must have something more than your polygraph interpretation to back up this bizarre theory and i have to see what that is.

LITERALLY I WANT TO DIE. first he tells her that he thinks she caught the right guy *and* is honest about why he’s behaved the way he did. and then he validates her even more admitting he was being territorial. he focuses on the work because at this point, their relationship is professional (and it’s definite it comfort zone after being vulnerable). but he gives away so much more when he reaches for her necklace. that was a different kind of territorial. that was FLIRTY. it’s truly just the way he didn’t let her doubt that he was being territorial. yes, it was because of the way they treat him. and because he believes she’s right & respects her work. but it was also him being jealous & territorial. THIS IS THE THIRD EPISODE.

and then !! he gives her an out. mulder really wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to work with them, leave the x files, get away from him. and this is when she makes the choice. she follows him, asserts her loyalty under the guise of curiosity. he’s shown her so much honest respect. he’s validated her. he listened to her. it’s what they do for each other.

and so mulder shows her the fingerprints (the computer work is wild to me, he’s just pressing keys and shit happens — i know that’s a thing but i never learned that stuff lol)

i love scully’s stunned face. and the way she never believes his theories & ideas yet she always turns to him for answers, like he should have them all & know everything.

just a thought about tooms — how does he choose his victims? like we see him stalk them. but. why them? i would assume he wants healthy lovers to sustain him during his hibernation but how does he know?

(this feels like the first time we really see what a great team they make. this case has been impossible to crack, with no evidence until they came on the scene. they gathered the evidence, followed the evidence, creating profiles, set up stakeouts, found tooms, connected the past cases — with more to come. all the while being disregarded & shown contempt.)

and this scene lollll colton is freaking out at the latest crime scene, yelling at everyone when scully & mulder show up and of course, he tries to stop them.

look at this point i’m willing to give any theory a shot…any sane theory

what’s the matter colton? afraid i’m gonna solve your case? [he grabs mulder ?!]

tom, we have authorized access to this crime scene. a report of you obstructing another agents investigation might stick out on your personnel file.

look dana, whose side are you on?

the victim’s.

all of this was delicious.

one of the things that gets me about colton is how much he cares about moving up & looking good — not so much about getting the case solved. he’s so desperate. and i think scully thinks she wants to move up until she witnesses his behavior. because scully genuinely cares about justice, putting away murderers, solving the crime, finding the truth — and she isn’t going to prioritize herself / her career over that. she’ll do what it takes even if that means not getting full credit or any credit at all. yeah, she wants that approval & validation, but there are other ways to get that. i think this is the case where she really makes that choice. working with someone who values her work, mind & companionship — and who genuinely shows her care & respect — will win out over moving up. *especially* if it means shitting on someone & interferes with solving the case.

ALSO i love how she has no problem using what she knows about colton to defend mulder & stake their rights on the case. colton is fucking flabbergasted & livid. and wholly inadequate to solve this one. he can’t even say anything else because he would just further embarrass himself.

(theres such a *sound* to 90s shows & the way they speak !! something about scully specifically reminds me of charmed. (of course this was first but charmed was my pre teen obsession so it always goes back to that lol) and i just LOVE IT. maybe it’s specific to supernatural shows, idk. and i have no idea how to describe/explain it.)

anyway. this is when mulder finds another of toms’s fingerprints & that he took a keepsake. something VCS hasn’t seemed to pick up on at all? (embarrassinggggg) and so they continue *their investigation* find out what they can about tooms — fake address, hasn’t been to work since he was arrested. they bounce some theories back — scully thinks it could be different generations. parents raising the kid, passing on the sociopathic behavior. but mulder doesn’t think that can explain the fingerprints. the way they always ask what the other thinks really gets me. it’s precious.

(and the way mulder couldn’t figure out 30 years from 1993 is hilarious. scully didn’t even have to think about it. he ought have an eidetic memory but scully is the true genius & nerd here. AND his “and you’re gonna be head of the bureau by then” line is my favorite. he thinks so much of her. he knows she could play the game to move up if she wanted to. and she really is that good and only gets better the longer they work together. FEELINGS.)

so he goes through birth certificates, marriage certificates & death certificates for gods know how long and can’t find anything for tooms. but scully finds the original investigator

“i’ve been waiting 25 years for you” he never let go of the case. never solved it. but he knew it was tooms, kept all the evidence. official & unofficial — including a picture of tooms looking exactly the same from 30 years ago & the same address they have on file — and gladly hands it right over to them. (idk how i feel about his comparison but his line ‘these horrible human acts gave birth to a human…monster’ is really something)

frank whatever-his-name-is was fully aware tooms took the livers *and* a personal belonging of the victims. crazy what you could learn from properly connecting cases !!! because even if scully is right & it’s generational, it would be logical to think they’d follow the same patterns. and if mulder’s right, it’s the same guy following the same patterns lmao

this scene always cracks me up too. find a creepy hole in the wall and just head right in. crazy people. they find the trophies & a ~nest~

oh my god mulder. it smells like…i think it’s bile.

is there any way i can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?

hilarious.

no one could live in thus.

i don’t think this is where he lives. i think it’s where he hibernates.

scully thinks it’s crazy but they decide to stake it out. cuz clearly tooms has been here & will return. little do they know he’s there right now and he takes scully’s necklace 😩 taking his trophy before he even gets the liver. marking her.

another damn instance of agents being dickheads to mulder. calling him spooky to his face, laughing at him. yet he just walks away. flash to colton confronting scully & being the biggest ass yet again. i love the way she wants to avoid the conversation “i have to meet mulder”

she’s finally lost all respect for him.

is this what it takes to climb the ladder, colton?

all the way to the top.

then i can’t wait til you fall off and land on your ass.

literally scully switching from tom to colton here is such a move. (he never called her agent scully, not even dr. scully. always dana despite this being a professional setting. he never actually showed her respect or courtesy. he was using her & trying to make it appealing to her. too bad he fucked up so badly.) and it’s so funny — what is a sign of respect, professionalism and eventually camaraderie & intimacy (of course also a way to keep some healthy distance in their partnership lol) with mulder is a demotion for colton. he lost the privilege of knowing her personally.

so, she lets colton makes the call, heads home & calls mulder. she so wanted to commiserate with him, but he doesn’t answer either (cuz he went to the stakeout 😩)

mulder, you must have gone out since colton has given us the night off. i say we file a complaint against him. i am furious. give me a call when you get in. okay. bye.

why is this SO ADORABLE?! like. yes they’re partners, they need to talk about this. but it’s so damn sweet the way she says all of this to him?!

and tooms is already at her places as mulder discovers her necklace among his trophies — which he obviously recognizes immediately and he speeds off to scully’s. cuz he knows where she lives. and he breaks down her door for the first time…

scully already got her warning though. the nasty bile so she’s able to go for her gun, but tooms still manages to surprise her gdi. and mulder is just in time to watch her escape him, stop him from escaping & cuff him to her bath tub. AMAZING. mulder was terrified for her but now he’s just in awe of scully. my favorite mulder.

{EDIT: also they really should report colton because he purposely interferes with their investigation — they had just cause for the stakeout. they literally found the trophies from the victims, going back to 1933 & 1903 and the current victims and his freaky nest. in no way was it an irresponsible use of man-hours. and i hope it destroys his career when scully is attacked & she catches tooms.}

cut to frank keeping a clipping of the newspaper article saying tooms was caught — cut again to tooms making another nest & mulder watching him, waiting for scully.

i guess there was a lot in this episode but i’m so glad they *finally* acknowledge she’s a doctor. (she ordered tests, many abnormalities yada yada) like why didn’t she have anything to do with the autopsies? bet she would have found ~something~ they missed. like mulder found the the fingerprints & realized he took trophies.

the way he’s contemplating that the general population has no idea there’s something else to be afraid of & protect themselves from. fancy alarm systems won’t save them from tooms. “it again enough” and scully SO SWEETLY touches his arm, slides her hand down to his bicep & squeezes until he turns to leave with her — she’s so touchy too !!! how many touches did i not notice in this season? like idk man. the comfort she wants to give him. she doesn’t use words, saying they caught him. no. she uses touch. a small one but it feels like a big deal to me. i can’t remember her touching him after getting him back in the second episode, or any time during. besides the handshake & the hug in the pilot, he was always the one to put his hand on her back or arm.

anyway. tooms is already plotting his escape & his next victims…can’t wait to watch tooms. more great moments to come there 😍

Hey! It’s CureDeity (sorry tumblr makes me ask from my main). I am here, in your inbox today, to rattle my little empty coin can and ask you to list some of your favorite beyblade fanfics! I’m going around asking a lot of people this, so feel free to ignore it if you want, but I thought this might be a good way for people to shout out some of the fanfic they really enjoy! Btw, if you can, I thought it would be helpful to list which site this fic was on so others could find it easier if they wanted to. Also, if you’ve written any fic (or have fic ideas, as we all know, imagining the same scene over and over again is the bread and butter of a writer), please also take this chance to have a massive, amazing ego and tell us which of your fics you're most proud of/is your favorite/etc.

Favorite MFB fics:

Boy was this not an easy question to answer. I’ve been in this fandom for a very long time, so I’ve read many MANY fanfics! In fact! The MFB fandom was my first fandom ever, it’s how I discovered fanfiction at age 13! Another funfact: many MANY fanfics I loved were deleted many years ago. So, I will go with what’s left!

Choosing my favorite fics was a toughie but I did my best to compile them in this answer! (I put links in all the titles, so you just click on them if you want to check them out!)

Life at the WBBA: Written by my lovely long time friend Liv aka Ollie! This fanfic is pretty much a lot of one-shots about the legendary bladers living at the WBBA, this fic eventually inspired my Adoption AU! So…If you want to see the OG, read this!

Almost Got 'Im: Also written by my beloved friend! Based on the iconic episode of Batman the Animated Series, the villains of the show reunite for a poker night while discussing how they almost beat Gingka. Spoilers: None of them did.

How to Make a Successful Match in Only Three Phases: This fanfic is something the lovely Liv actually wrote for me back in the day! As many of you know, I actually came up with the Yuki/Motti ship, and I’ll be honest, I thought I would get kicked out by the fandom. But instead Liv reached out to me and told me they had been inspired to write this thanks to one of my fics! This story is Benkei being a matchmaker, need I say more??

A Season Of Festivities: Now we go to another absolute legend! JuniperGentle aka Pippin! Their fanfics were always an absolute delight and this one is one of the most heartwarming ones! An anthology of MFB characters celebrating their winters holidays! Your fav character probably has a chapter, so give it a try!

Phosphorus: THIS FIC OMG! Okay, so, it’s still unfinished BUT GOSH IS IT GOOD! It’s an AU where Tithi is the one that follows Ryuuga around instead of Kenta!

Kenta's Imagination: This is one of the first fanfics in English I’ve ever read, and frankly, the concept of Kenta playing pretend is timeless!

 Underappreciated: Ever since the old fanfic days, Madoka would get the short end of the stick thanks to weirdos writing hate fics about her like there was no tomorrow. HOWEVER, there were a few good writers that wrote nice fics featuring her. I think this is my favorite, it’s simple, adorable, and it explores her character nicely!

Yu and Kenta's Scavenger Hunt: Literally what the title suggests! The sillies in a scavenger hunt!

The Best Nickname: Hands down THE BEST old fanfic that explores Yu’s and Tsubasa’s friendship. Tsubasa ponders about why he is the only one Yu never gave a nickname to! But little did he know, he has one. Yu is just secretive about it.

What Makes Her Different: Okay, so this one is a bit personal. This was the very first fanfic in English I read by myself without google translator. I was still struggling learning the language, but I loved the few things I understood about this fic, so I would read it over and over until I managed to fully understand it! It’s an abandoned fanfic (the writer had an incident with their old computer and could never finish it). It’s about Madoka suddenly getting sick and her friends taking care of her because she always looks out for them. It might be incomplete but it’s sweet!

As I was writing this list, I realized that most of the fics I like from AO3 are already on your fanfic list, so I decided to not add them. I hope you like this little list of recommendations!

To answer you another question, it is very hard to choose because I love most of the fics I’ve written.

However…I think I would have to go with five fanfics:

The Backdoor: I cannot express how much fun I had writing this. I loved coming up with the bits of Beyblade history, including details from Zero G, and having Yuki and Motti go through this little adventure! I am also pretty sure this was one of the first fics I wrote after I got back into the MFB fandom after many years. Thanks to a silly series of events on Tumblr, I met a lot of wonderful people in the fandom that I’m glad to have in my life!

So a Few Villain Kids Walk Into a Youth Group and...:

Writing this was such a challenge, but I am so happy I managed to finish it! I been having a lot of headcannons about the cult of Nemesis for a long time and this fic is just the tip of the iceberg! I loved writing Johannes dealing with group therapy and having to face the fact that he has friends.

 They Are My Boys:

When I wrote this fic I was a bit scared of sharing this AU with the world. But the fact that it was received so warmly just encouraged me to keep writing!

I'm Not Nice!:

So…Writing this one was a surprise even for me because I have a confession to make…I can’t stand Kyoya. But something about writing a fanfic with everyone dunking on him and his bad boy persona was so fun!

And finally…

The Drawbacks of Being Raised in an Isolated Temple:

So, writing this fic took me a lot of work because I had to talk to a lot of people about some questions I had to make this fic work, and the amazing support I got from those friends made me realize how much I love to write friendship and found family. I loved writing the friendships and dynamics in this fanfic and then the reception was so overwhelmingly positive, I was ecstatic!

There is another reason why this fic means a lot to me, it’s a bit personal but let’s just say that it brought something back to my life and I couldn’t be more thankful!

Thank you so much for this ask! I hope my answer was satisfying!

Hello love! This is doctorstatic (hopefully you remember me and all my manymany obsessive comments 🫣) I changed my username, I’m trying to eventually get my blog switched to the one I actually frequently use.

Anyway! I know a lot of people have asked about a sequel to kiss kiss kill kill (which I would absolutely LOVE) but I wanted to ask if you have any plans for or if there is a possibility of a follow up to Forfeiting My Mystique? I would love to read about their trip to Brazil or literally anything you’re willing to write about in that au for Ezra.

I haven’t run across that many Ezra fics that I really loved. Not sure why but I just have a hard time with the way he is written in a lot of fics I’ve come across. Makes me sad cause I do really love that character. I’m no writer but I think maybe he’s a harder one to write for.. any opinion there? The way you wrote him has been hands down my favorite that I’ve come across.

I hope you’re having a lovely weekend! Can’t wait for Thursday as always. 😊

of course I remember you, my friend. hello 😁 THANK YOU for asking about forfeiting my mystique !!!!!! that is actually probably my most favorite single piece I've put out thus far. I do have a plan for a second part, and a pretty clear idea of what it will be. the first one was based on lenny kravitz's vogue home tour and there is another article for his ranch in brazil from architectural digest which I would base the second part on. I actually feel though that the Ezra I crafted in that has very little to do with the Ezra we see in the movie and he requires like ... idk a certain headspace for me to pull his voice from. idk that dude's weird...so for now, that has been placed on the back burner in place of the current thing I'm working on which is sort of taking over my life and brain and well being at the moment (I may have bitten off more than I can chew)

to be honest I've only ever read one single Ezra fic which I absolutely adored - it's 'in the dark' by frannyzooey on ao3 (I actually don't read a lot ,or any really, Pedro character fic at all which is v badly done on my part) but I do think he is a very sort of mercurial character to pin point. which is why I say that I fee like my FMM Ezra has very little to do with canon Ezra. he's a strange man in an even more strangely plotted film so I think to hit on that strangeness and do it well is difficult.

but yes, there is a very much anticipated plan for a second part of forfeiting my mystique as well as another kiss kiss kill kill part. I only have to find time and inspiration to get to them

I can't wait for Thursday either! thank you, love 💗💗💗💗

20 questions for fic writers

Thank you @atlantablack for tagging me!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

51

2. What’s your total word count?

875,350 😵‍💫😵‍💫

3. What fandoms do you write for?

In the past I’ve written mainly for Check please and IT, now I mainly write Stranger Things and sometimes the MCU

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

of the things you said (that you can’t take back now) (sambucky)

just let me adore you (sambucky)

secrets i have held in my heart (stoncy)

all these people think love’s for show (but i would die for you in secret) (sambucky)

i hate accidents (except when we went from friends to this) (sambucky)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Most of the time, yes!

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i just scrolled thru all my fics and I genuinely do not think I’ve ever written an ending that was even remotely angsty. I’ve written FICS that are angsty but I always wrap up the angst with a nice happy ending lmao

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

tbh probably give you my sunshine, give you my best given I ended it with stoncy having a happy lil family with two kids

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I wouldn’t call it hate per se, but there is one particular fic I’ve had to enable comment moderation on because I’ve gotten a few rude comments on it

9. Do you write smut?

Lol sometimes

10. Do you write crossovers?

I did back in my FF.Net days

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have not!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I don’t think so. I feel like if I did I’d remember lol so I’ll say no

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Ugh I don’t know… I feel like generally it would be katniss and peeta, but out of ships I’ve actually written for, either nurseydex or stoncy

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

sooooo sometime in 2021 or something i came up with this idea for a stoncy royalty au where Steve is heir to the king, Nancy is royalty from a neighboring kingdom in an arranged marriage to Steve, and Jonathan is their knight. but like Nancy and Jonathan have known each other since they were kids and have feelings for each other but can’t be together bc Nancy was always supposed to marry Steve, so there’s a lot of resentment and tension between the three of them that leads into…something else. and then there’s this monster in the woods outside the kingdom that has been killing villagers and Steve Nancy and Jonathan have to figure out what’s going on but also present a strong front and a specific image to the kingdom and… yeah. It’s basically a halfhearted outline and it’s the only pre s4 stranger things fic I never actually wrote bc i knew it was gonna be too plotty and I didn’t have the energy. I sometimes fantasize about reworking it into an original novel idea but let’s be honest, I’ll probably never do that either lol

16. What are your writing strengths?

Why would you ask me this

Jk uhhhh I don’t know. Dialogue? I like making characters argue with each other. And I also enjoy writing funny scenes. I would say I’m good at both of those

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

probably writing descriptions

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

I don’t think I have thoughts on this??? I mean go for it I guess. I only speak English so that’s all I write in but

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I think it was narnia all the way back in like, 2008. on quizilla no less. only the real ones remember

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

This is sooooo hard but I think I’m gonna say who you gonna call? because it has a special place in my lil heart

I’m going to tag @fabesrutter @lavenderstobins and @marypsue (but no pressure if you don’t want to do it)

What's your favorite kind of car?

Do you like video games? Which is your favorite genre? Specific favorite game?

Favorite dog breed?

What's your morning routine?

Favorite writing space?

Best fictional character of all time?

You have a microphone that makes you heard around the world. You can say one thing. What will you say?

Okay, I honestly don’t… care much, for cars. They’re just meh to me. I like bikes better :D

I used to play Mario Galaxy and Mario Kart and Super Mario Bros Wii alllll the time when I was little, and to this day they’re still incredibly nostalgic and hold a lot of good memories. I think I was… six, when I played Mario Galaxy for the first time. My dad played Mario and I played the little player two star—it was freaking awesome, and always something I looked forward to. One of my favorite things to do was collect star-bits for my dad, and freeze enemies. It was just… awesome. So much fun.

However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve liked video games less and less. My brother is the video game guy, and he is a hekkin nerd about it XD

I don’t really play any video games now, and haven’t played any for years, BUT! Zelda Breath Of The Wild has amazing cutscenes and a great story and ZELDA IS VERY LIKABLE and LINK OH MY GOSH LINK MY BELOVED!!! HE EATS ROCKS FOR FUN!!!

I went through a phase a year or two ago where me and my sister came up with loads of fanfic ideas for BOTW, and I still want to write them!! I think it’d be really fun! I’m just preoccupied with DSMP at the moment :)

So long story short, I’m not a video game person, but I really really like BOTW for the story (and also Tears Of The Kingdom).

Favorite dog breed oh goshhhh

I love golden retrievers (special dogs, and also the same breed as Shadow from Homeward Bound, which is my Most Nostalgic Movie and I need to see it again) and I also like golden doodles (same breed as my dog Ginger <3) and I also like german shepherds (really cool dogs they look so awesome) and I also like great pyrenees (giant fluffy darlings the lot of them and they protect sheep)

But I also really really like wolves :D

I don’t have much of a morning routine, to be perfectly honest; I’m a night owl, and mornings haven’t ever been my thing 😅

I guess they’re… chill? I don’t know, not much happens. I don’t even eat breakfast, most of the time.

FAVORITE WRITING SPACE I LIKE THIS QUESTION!!! Okay, so until just a couple months ago, I didn’t have much of a writing space. If I wanted to write, I usually wrote on a very uncomfortable chair in the living room, or sometimes in my bed.

But at the start of this year, I (somehow) got into a writing routine; every day at 8-8:45pm, I’ll sit down at the tiny table in the kitchen, where I stay until 10pm. It’s been my writing place for a while now, and it’s gotten to the point where I feel wrong when I write anywhere else 😅

So definitely that! Actually here’s a picture:

Now you get to read part of my romance story ajsgajsvjav I honestly had No Idea what I was doing as I wrote it

I can and have written other places—a park bench, a cabin, the notes app on my phone—but I much prefer the kitchen table!

Best. Fictional. Character. Oh boy. Deathy. I will probably ramble. Oh boy.

I gotta start with Ghostbur, of course. My beloved, the ghost of all time, lover of the color blue and sheep, Innocent, weirdly relatable, wearer of yellow sweaters… the perfect guy <3

The way cc!Wilbur treated him is criminal. cc!Wilbur needs to be tried for his crimes and found guilty of malicious intent, murder, enjoyment in other’s sufferings, and Far More.

AND THE FANDOM!!! DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE FREAKING FANDOM!!! People either see Ghostbur as an overgrown toddler who can’t understand anything, or they see him as this strange mystical Being who is serious all the time and never smiles and is always sad and depressed.

Neither are true! Stop it! It’s annoying and terrible! Freaking stop!

Ghostbur didn’t deserve what happened to him, and he doesn’t deserve the awful fandom interpretations.

Ghostbur deserves the whole world, and all the sheep in the world, and the softest sweaters imaginable <333

I also really really like Wilbur, Tommy, Tech, and Maul :D

Oooh… hm. That’s a tough one.

I think I’d say…

GOSH DEATHY THIS IS HARD!!!

I’d want to say something about Christianity, but there’s so much to say, and I’d want to make sure people understood and didn’t get confused, and I wouldn’t want to say the wrong thing and give people wrong assumptions.

Oooh… maybe I’d share some of my story, like when I dealt with doubts about my faith. That might help people. Oooh :0

Thank you soooo much, Deathy!! This was quite fun to answer :D

My mind's drawing blanks for the ask thingy but UHMMM UHHMMM do you...want to talk about Death Note? Can I have your thoughts on your least favorite character and why you dislike them AND OR your favorite character? ♥

Hello hello again ♡ thank you ever so much for sending me an ask, ofc I always am delighted to talk about Death Note, even if I have been here flapping my lips so long about it that I probably have repeated myself one gazillion times over the years 👀

LEAST FAVES:

I honestly don't dislike any of the Death Note cast too intensely. At least not compared to some other series that have characters that severely get under my skin! BUT if I had to pick the top three that maybe do the least for me personally on a regular basis, I would say:

• Rem - love her design and her concept, but find the writing behind her character is often both confusing and disappointing (her devotion to Misa doesn't always make a ton of sense to me. Nor do the times she suddenly changes her mind about some of the things that she strongly believes and feels whenever it is convenient for the plot). Wish I cared about her more, because she plays such a pivotal role

• Mello - I don't know why his actions in this series bother me the most out of all of the characters (like clearly Light would technically have a much higher body count than he does), but I think it's because Mello is the most overtly physically aggressive one of the entire cast with the way he waves his gun around all willy-nilly and violently kidnaps a different girl on seemingly every other page. And I don't feel like we often get much deeper insight into his thoughts or emotions so that I can at least more clearly see where he's coming from, even despite not having much in common with him nor liking how he behaves

Mikami - there's nothing wrong with how he is written or anything along those lines, but I think he reminds me a bit too much of the extremely strictly religious and morally judgmental people that I spent so much of my childhood around and now find so very hard on the head. It's always been a bit difficult for me to ever warm up to him enough to get emotionally invested in shipping him or reading fics about him or anything else

FAVES:

• Light -(but I'm not going to do him the honour of writing up a list of reasons why, exactly what the bastard would want... let's just say that I think the series would basically be nothing without him)

And OTHERWISE my fave fictional character of all-time is definitely L! So let me just copy/paste you all my reasonings from another past ask about this below:

• L -It’s a bit tricky to articulate exactly why I enjoy him so much, and I think it’s complicated by the fact that I feel he’s sometimes overrated in the fandom and/or reduced to a lesser caricature of himself in basically every DN adaptation/spinoff out there. But manga!L is very entertaining to analyze for me because there’s always this intriguing duality and ambiguity about his personality and behaviour. Hmmm, let me try to explain… 

THE ODD DUALITY OF L:

HONEST vs DISHONEST- he’s clearly often deceptive and elusive about stuff, and yet there’s also this sense that he’s actually a very simple and bluntly straight-forward person much of the time, too. I have so much fun reading between the lines with his cryptic moods and so many of the unexpected things that he does and says from time to time. And I love that all the other characters around him are constantly doing the same with L, too. Their incredulous double-takes and suspicious side-eyeing of him always makes me lol

EGOTISTICAL vs HUMBLE - there are so many examples in the manga of moments where L is either slyly showing off or possibly being genuinely demure regarding impressive things about himself. It’s always so hard to tell the difference and it’s always 10/10

CORRUPT vs THE “GOOD GUY” - he’s super morally grey at all times, and I’m always drawn to those more complicated types. I’ve seen the fandom produce so many wildly different takes about his goodness and his evilness over time on both extreme ends of the scale, and I often find it difficult to strike the proper balance when talking about L as well. It’s very easy to characterize him as overly cruel and corrupt or overly noble and kind, and it’s always way more interesting to me when a character is that difficult to define

REFINED vs FERAL - L’s always daintily sipping tea cups in his luxury hotel suite while simultaneously barefoot crouching on the chair and scribbling all over the coffee table with a permanent marker. Everything about him is a bizarre combination of these two polar opposite traits, and yet it always seems to make sense completely whenever you think about it as well

AWKWARD/OBLIVIOUS vs SLY/MANIPULATIVE- always a fun question to ask yourself during L’s more questionable social interactions and shady decisions

KINKY vs TAME- he’s so weirdly suggestive and also extremely not at the same time, idk why but it works so well for his character and it’s just the funniest thing ever to me lol

OVERBEARING vs ALOOF- he’s somehow both incredibly nosy and overly involved and also very detached and distant from everyone simultaneously

LIVING THE DREAM vs TRAGIC, LONELY LIFE- I enjoy the depressing implications that can arise from contemplating his lonely existence and questionable past and the sad way his story ends… but that he’s also totally non-edgy and oddly goofy in some ways and seems to be having a great time doing exactly what he wants to be doing, too

I think all this ambiguity and constant tightrope-walking could easily become gimmicky and tiresome in a character, and yet it’s so well done and always makes sense and never annoys me in the least. L’s somehow both incredibly vague and incredibly precise and consistent as a character at the same time, which is pretty interesting and impressive to me. Light and the other characters in L’s orbit always seem to have the same questions about him as the audience does, and you never get concrete answers about any of it most of the time. There’s so much stuff left up to interpretation intentionally by O&O in Death Note, and I appreciate that enduring sense of mystery surrounding some of L’s true feelings and motives even long after he’s gone.

I also can’t overstate how much of L’s appeal is simply due to what an excellent foil and antagonist he is for Light. L is my favourite, but I think Light is by far the most interesting character and the whole reason the story is such a classic in the first place. The way L constantly thwarts Light and yet also spurs him on to show off and double down on his Kira shit is super entertaining to watch. You gotta respect how effectively L can push Light’s buttons and always keep him sweating, and you really get why Light seemingly both loves and hates their interactions so much. Light’s curiously positive emotional reactions to L and his enduring respect for him even after he dies is some of the most interesting stuff about the entire story to me, too. That definitely adds to L’s intrigue, as does the way the successors and the task force continue to muse about him long after he’s gone.

Overall I just think L is a highly entertaining and well-written and well-designed character, weirdly simple and complicated and funny and sad all at once, super relatable and a Constant Mood™ despite being so prickly and enigmatic, and a definite scene-stealer for me whenever he’s onscreen. I’m not really sure what pushes him to favourite of all time status for me?? But my lizard brain just seems to love him and has loved him for at least the past decade and a half. So at this point I must simply shrug and accept my fate

The Stars May Rise and Fall: The Annotated Re-read (Chapter 20)

So, Chapter 20! According to my Kindle we are 45% of the way done with the book, but there are only 34 chapters… these chapters are definitely getting longer as we go, and I think that’s a good thing. I think the last half of the book is much better written than the first half, but that’s probably something to discuss in Chapter 21. As always, spoilers under the cut!

This is a really important chapter, because I think this is really where Rei decides he’s not going to have any secrets from Teru anymore, and the relationship dynamic really changes completely. But that’s getting a little ahead of myself… we start with Teru leaving the party at 2am or so, needing to apologize to Rei no matter what. I’m actually not sure why he doesn’t CALL Rei… he just goes to his apartment and starts ringing the doorbell, which seems like kind of an odd choice. I’m not sure if there was a reason for it or not. Maybe the idea was that he didn’t think Rei would answer if his name came up? I don’t know. But after a lot of knocking and ringing the doorbell, Rei DOES answer. He says he was asleep… I’m not sure if that’s true, but he was definitely at least in bed, TRYING to sleep, and probably takes so long getting to the door because he has to get the minimum amount of “dressed” that he needs to be to feel comfortable doing so. This was something I was careful about throughout… with all of the characters but especially with Rei, because how he dresses, the extent to which he feels he needs to “disguise” himself says a lot about his  emotional state in any given scene, and about how much he trusts Teru and whoever else might be present. So here I think he had to make some quick choices, because he DOES want to answer the door (that stubborn hope again!) before Teru gives up and leaves, and that means he doesn’t have time to get fully dressed. He’s DEFINITELY not opening the door with his face exposed, so he puts on the mask, but then just throws on a long hooded cloak over whatever sweats or pajamas he was already wearing. I think I’ve already said this, but Rei letting his guard down and being (at least a little) casual is one of my favorite things ever. So, Teru is definitely not “wishy washy” here, he pretty much insists that Rei give him another chance, and Rei doesn’t honestly put up much of a fight…. GAH after everything he’s been through he’s STILL FREAKING HOPEFUL and still freaking in love with drunk disaster boy Teru. Little random thing I agonized over and still probably got wrong here: I said the mask was held on by “theatrical adhesive” which is probably a pretty damn stupid choice if he wants to make sure it’s not going to fall off no matter what and also not further irritate his already fucked up skin. I am still not really sure what the reasoning for that was, or if there was any at all. Probably should’ve gone with straps or something but… eh. I guess it’s a relatively small thing to ask readers to suspend disbelief on? Another thing I agonized over was what, exactly, Teru WAS going to say when he does get his second chance to look at Rei and accept him as he is. It’s always one of my pet peeves when (usually in fanfic) whoever the Phantom character’s love interest is takes one look at his (supposedly) horribly disfigured face and just smiles and says “Pffft, is that all?” (Now, I will say that there ARE situations where that MIGHT work… like if you’re going to write a Christine who’s an ER nurse or something, yeah, she’s probably seen WAY worse… but in MOST cases that’s not going to be the reaction, and it certainly wouldn’t be in character for Teru.) Teru also has to know that Rei isn’t going to like it if he tells a blatant lie… so it was really important that what he says is both kind and honest. So he says, “It’s not as bad as you think it is.” Which… is definitely true. Yeah, it’s not pretty, but absolutely nothing in the world is as horrible as Rei THINKS he looks. And then the next thing Teru says is ALSO true. He says “You’re beautiful,” but I think if he had said that FIRST, it wouldn’t have necessarily been true. Here, he’s SORT of talking about looks… he is physically attracted to Rei, after all. But he definitely means “beautiful” in a broader sense here. There are a couple more things I like about this scene… I LOVE how Rei turns his head at the angle that would make his hair fall into his face if he were wearing a wig (even though he isn’t here). But the most important thing that happens here is, of course, his double confession to Teru: That Saki, one of the bandmates whose names Teru just found on the wall, was his partner, and that Rei “killed him.” Now. I don’t really think that’s true, but I do think it’s the sort of thing where he’s never going to really know. It wasn’t his fault as in, the other driver was MORE at fault. But could he have reacted a split second faster? Could he have done something, anything differently that would have somehow saved Saki’s life? Maybe. He’ll never know, and it’s understandable that that’s a heavy weight to bear. And it’s a heavy thing for Teru, too, I think… I know some people don’t like stories where the main character has to “compete with a ghost” but… I think this is just a realistic thing. If you’re still in love with an ex you broke up with (or were broken up with), yeah, you need to get over them before getting serious with someone new. But Rei never fell out of love with Saki, and he SHOULDNT. And he SHOULDNT BE EXPECTED TO. And you don’t have to only love one person ever, or even only one person at a time. This isn’t really a poly situation or anything but actually yeah it IS sorta like that, because what Rei ultimately needs to do is realize that living Teru doesn’t diminish his love for Saki—he can love them both 100%. And Teru has to realize that Saki is always going to be a part of Rei’s life, and that that absolutely isn’t a threat to the relationship they have. It drives me BONKERS that people can’t accept that… but whatever. If you don’t like stories like this, don’t read it?

I actually don’t remember why or at what point Saki came to be a part of this, but it was EARLY. I can’t even think of any other Phantom stories where the Phantom character is a “widower” (Rei and Saki weren’t married because it’s STILL not legal in Japan, but not having a legal marriage certificate doesn’t change the emotional weight of it), so I don’t really think it was a direct homage to anything, but I knew very early on that this was something that would be important to the backstory of this character.

ANYWAY… Teru decides they both need to get some sleep—he has a magazine interview the next day and Rei is just exhausted and miserable—and offers to sleep on the couch again, but Rei shows him to the bedroom. So, let me talk about the bedroom. This was a nod to Leroux, where Erik sleeps in a literal coffin, in a room decorated like a funeral parlor. Rei’s parallel to this is a hospital bed (or whatever you’d call that kind of bed when it’s not actually located in a hospital) in a room full of various medical supplies. I think this was kind of supposed to be a commentary on how people view disability, even today. The most obvious personal inspiration for this came from  several different people I know who became disabled as adults, and other people’s reactions (usually when the person in question wasn’t around) saying things like “what a shame, what a loss, he was still so young”… and that kind of thing has always felt WRONG to me… they’re still alive, why are we talking about them as if we’ve lost them?

BUT... it’s understandable that people feel that way, because it’s a cycle. If someone grows up around people saying things like that, then it’s maybe not unavoidable, but understandable, if and when that person grows up to believe the same thing. I think it’s a little more than that with Rei (hence why he goes SO overboard), too, in that his entire identity was tied so strongly into being beautiful and physically skilled, and so he really sees his life as “over” in a sense. Of course, that does start to change as he meets Teru and starts to get excited about the future again... but the sort of “hospital room” does represent for him, at least at one time, the “death” of who he was before, and sort of stands in for the Leroux coffin in that sense.

Teru is still a bit saddened by everything, from the room to the shower the following morning... the only shampoo Rei has is cheap shampoo and conditioner in one because that’s what we used to wash synthetic wigs when I worked at a costume shop. :P But even though they’re both still kind of ableist as hell and Saki is still sort of standing between them, the end of the chapter IS a turning point in the relationship, because this is probably the first time things end kind of normally between them... Teru has to go to his interview, but they agree to see each other again in a few days for an actual, planned, date.

WHEW. That was kind of long, but this chapter was kind of long too.

Personally, there's one subject I never "visit" in my head pertaining to GSR, and that's their divorce. I've always felt it was OOC and it was the one time TPTB screwed up. I've read you essay rationalizing it, and you've done a brilliant job, the best take on it I've read. I'd love to know- have you personally "accepted" it, eg do you believe that now that we've had (hopefully perpetual) happy ending for them, did divorce have a place to be at the time that it happened? Thanks very much!

hi, anon!

oh, god, not even a little have i accepted the divorce!

never will i.

it is by far my least favorite storyline of any on the whole show (and probably even of any of the shows i’ve ever watched), and episode 13x15 “forget me not” is, imo, one of the worst hours of television ever written—just a tire fire of a script.

though i’ve penned a rationalization of the divorce that begrudgingly tries to make sense of the canon, i will never believe it was the right move for the writers to have made and don’t think that my rationalization really works if we truly take into account how the characters actually would function, were they not being wielded by morons incorrectly.

grissom and sara, whose whole mo is “i literally cannot stay away from this person for long, even when i actively try to, as my love draws me to him/her like a super magnet and consistently, inevitably has done so for 15+ years now,” would never under any circumstances have chosen to live on separate continents from each other to begin with, so the entire premise for the divorce is a flawed one from the get-go.

the divorce was ooc, it was lazy, it was a bad-faith storytelling action, it was a poorly executed maneuver even for what it was trying to be, it was cruel to the fans, it was senseless for the characters, it was retrogressive for their developments, it was thematically indefensible given their histories*, it was narratively unnecessary, and ultimately it proved absolutely pointless since nothing about sara’s characterization or usage changed in its wake and it was eventually “undone” by the events of the original series finale anyway—to the point that the writers of the reboot could and did all but retcon it out of existence in csi: vegas s1.

* how could tptb possibly think it was okay, given sara’s backstory, to have the one person who had ever consistently loved her and who had become her touchstone and family and home abandon/reject her? how could they take away her happy ending that way and just act like it was nothing or even like it was fine for her? and especially when it would have been so easy for them simply not to do so? had they not been able to reverse the decision later on in “immortality” (i.e., had sara actually finished out the show alone, never having reconciled with grissom), the final message of her storyline would have been, “the girl who grew up believing that no one who fully knew her would ever love her forever and/or choose to stick around for her when things got hard was ultimately right to think that way,” which is just an egregiously shitty through-line; utterly cynical and mean.

* and don’t even get me started on why the divorce was thematically unforgiveable on grissom’s side of things, too. 

while there are many other reasons why i disdain the later seasons of the original csi, as well—personally, i think tptb screwed up a lot during those days—the divorce is one of the biggest reasons why i do.

not only did it not need to happen, but it should never have happened at all.

in my personal headcanon, i completely ignore it.

it is not a part of my mental schema for these characters at all.

and in fact, i go as far as to reject basically anything that happens from episode 09x10 “one to go” on—or even prior to sara leaving vegas in s8, if i’m honest.

so while some fans have come to accept the divorce, i can’t and won’t. given how i understand these characters and the beats and themes of their story, it just doesn’t make sense to me. there’s nothing good about it. nothing justified. nothing that rings even a little bit true.

i’m more than happy to pretend the whole shitshow of a story arc never happened at all.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.