#a) other ppl have diff lifestyles than me and can do that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

healing-xx · 1 year

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I can’t even put into words how much pain I’m carrying. How much guilt I’ve got. How much regret.

Every day I wake up not knowing if I wanna do something or just collapse and wai to get hit by a truck, somehow. But I try to push through because my sister has got no one except me.

My current bf is not exactly toxic as you would expect but just doesn’t seem to want to grow together. I feel like he is just bringing me down ( I don’t blame him he’s struggling w demons of his own but I’m not sure if I want to be his saving grace anymore, as he likes to make me feel)

I want to continue to do things that make me feel anything other than empty. I’ve got what feels like a massive void and anything that’s not deep in life (superficial things don’t interest me one bit) it just feels like a hollow attempt to fill the void. That’s why I’m so tired of friendships(if you can’t have healthy boundaries with them I don’t want it). It’s hard to find people in 20s who can comprehend the behavioral differences that come with having matured before time (not out of choice obv, life’s a bitch haha ). The lifestyle is pretty diff of someone who is literally forcing themselves to the bathroom to brush their teeth vs of someone who is not; and I don’t blame ppl for not understanding that at a young age ( even tho some would agree 20s is not that young to not be able to comprehend they’d rather (mostly) associate with ‘fun’ and ‘happy’) so until I can have the energy to fake that and make some friends so I don’t die of isolation. [I used to find self deprecating humor rather funny, again not a great sign prbly]

It’s scary that I feel this way at my early 20s, dreading what’s to come ahead. Will I not feel anything other than the void I keep talking about? Is it gonna grow?

Terrifying though but not really ig.

When you’ve been through so much you feel like you can take everything that comes your way, but can you? Or is it my brain trying to push me until the very last breath or until the very last emotion is exhausted, and then I will be nothing short of a ghost! Now that’s a scary one!

#trauma #healing #journaling #venting #tw self worth #bpd #emotions #ptsd recovery #ptsd tw #depression #toxic frienship #toxic mother #life

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abelromanov · 4 years

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its me bri again i dnt kno my limits dnt lk at me bye. anywhomst this muse is very very new bt i have ? most of his background n personality figured out methinks so give this a Cheeky Like if u want 2 plot!!!

『BRENTON THWAITES ❙ CISMALE 』 ⟿ looks like ABEL ROMANOV is here for HIS SENIOR year as a PRE-MEDICINE student. HE is 24 years old & known to be ARDENT, CONSIDERATE, RIGID & AGGRESSIVE. They’re living in MORIS, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ bri. 22. est. she/they.

stats.

name: abel camille romanov.

age: twenty four.

gender identity: cis-male.

pronouns: he/him.

sexuality: bisexual.

birthday: december 3rd.

star sign: sagittarius.

myer-briggs: estj.

year of study: senior.

major: pre-medicine.

occupation: n/a.

place of birth: stratford, connecticut.

religion: catholic.

about.

second child 2 senator vaughn and philanthropist adelaide, younger brother of cain!! the romanov’s r quite well known fr their All American n Lavish lifestyle which can b read all abt HERE in cain’s intro yeehaw! (im lazy)

growing up abel worshiped cain he was the cool older brother who cld do it all n still maintain the lifestyle he wanted/their parents expected n abel wanted nothing more than to follow in his footsteps

he tried his best to keep up, did everything cain did, but his grades were always just a bit lower, or his form was always just a bit off, he always felt second fiddle, like it was his role in life as the second child

abel ignored it the best he could for most of his life but he started to notice a different side of cain that he didn’t show their family and a side that :/ abel didn’t like or know at all that was quite vile and this was when some resentment started to form bc their parents thought of cain as their Golden Child n didnt see what was going on behind the scenes whereas abel tried his best to be genuinely good if he could help it

by the time he got to radcliffe, things were starting to look up a bit, his already rly gd grades were managing to improve, he was on a bunch of teams, and the coach was saying it was looking good for him to become captain of the soccer team by his sophomore year

bt bc i hate my muses obviously this was not going to happen?

though things were looking up abel was still subconsciously trying to impress his family, his siblings, the people around him, wearing himself out until he was stretched far too thin, and he paid for it with one wrong move during a soccer game that had his knee popping out of place and shattering

it was really really really bad, he was in a cast for a few months bc it needed several surgeries, obviously sports were permanently out of his future, he still walks with a limp in his right leg to this day

this sent abel into a really bad depressive spiral sighs that he didn’t really talk to anyone about cause he’d trained himself at that point to just keep things to himself and never reveal his emotions so that no one could catch him vulnerable or have an upper hand on him

however this was the final nudge he needed to really become his Own Person after realizing it’d gone too far and he’d gotten too bad (on medication now to regulate when he gets out of control/starts to get bad again bc it does happen from time to time)

told his parents fk ur money! n moved out of perkins so that he could become an RA in moris, started joining different teams tht he thought wld b more fun (radio, chess, etc.), starting to distance himself from his siblings a lot too

this was when he rly started to loosen up a lot too he was . a very Boring Lame man before frankly bt got into the world of Parties n made way more friends than he ever did trying to uphold the family image

is still . quite stiff around the edges to this day tho, thinks everything through and has like daily planners he writes down his entire days in to the Second old habits die hard its jst how he functions at this point

had another rly rly bad depressive episode when cain went missing bt like everything he does? he internalized it baybee!

when cain came back tho their parents encouraged him to move into moris so abel cld keep an eye on him n it made abel :/ another reason fr resentment in his eyes (he still loves his brother hes jst . bad at vocalizing how he feels so it makes him bitter)

has been with several ppl bc hes kinda desperate fr approval/fr ppl to need him so hes been quite a good bf in the past bt his incapability to properly open up has put a real Damper on things

likes to think hes in perfect control of his emotions bt explodes a lot bc hes bottled things up fr years

thts all . i can think of now ok bye<3

connections.

exes???? he wld have a Few methinks

fwb’s/past hookups/ur regular old Spice

he’s never been with a guy before bt as u can see in his stats he Is bi as i cannot play Straights so mayhaps someone who Opens His Eyes

ppl he has a crush on............. bt wld never say anything abt it . in his current Frivolously Unemotionally Emotional state

students in moris tht drive him fkin insane or on the other hand students tht he has a sibling like relationship with n is rly protective over etc.

family friends/ppl he grew up with?? or ppl who knew him before he separated himself from his family a bit n knew him as a diff guy n is like ‘omg wtf lol’ now

obvs . some friends Bleathe

enemies?? ppl who he got annoyed with n jst lost it on bc it was a wrong place wrong time Situation.

thts all i can think of rn very basic bt teehee

#radintro #missing person tw #disappearance tw #depression tw #i think . thts it...............#i didnt proofread this i cba i jst cnt.#surgery tw #in case i jst remembered tht might b . a necessary one

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magimagali · 6 years

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wrote a longass thing abt. what’s been goin on with me. ajhfdjg it’s incredibly long-winded and personal and i dunno if it’s appropriate to even post it here but uhhmm m yeah

lately I've been giving some serious thought to what I wanna do w/ my life, and the diff possibilites and options have swirled around enough times in my head that I'm convinced just Thinking about it isn't going to get me anywhere..... but maybe writing about it will? so I'm just going to dump my thoughts here

the options I've been considering are:

a) go to an art school out of state

b) go to an in-state liberal arts college and move into the dorms

or c) live at home, the place I've lived all my life, and get my AA at a community college

going to an art school is the option that tugs at me the most, but of all of them is probably the scariest -- go figure lol

the art school I would like to go to is in Minnesota which is kinda my home away from home and also where my dad's side of the family lives, and I love that side of my fam dearly so it wouldn't be completely unfamiliar territory and I wouldn't be all alone. but it would mean moving out of my hometown and separated from the family i'm Most familiar with. that part is terrifying to me bc I'm an EXTREME homebody and family+home takes top priority in my life, no question. but bc it's so important to me it inhibits me from spreading my wings in some ways. and I know in someways I would really evolve by doing something that huge and scary and uncomfortable. but I don't know if it's really necessary to try and resist that part of me when it is... a Part of Me. being a homebody doesn't Have to be a flaw I need to try and grow out of. but it does suck to think about the opportunities I could miss out on due to the immense anxiety I feel about leaving my hometown and family.

(another art school option that I fantasize about is calarts, which would be even scarier than going to the MN school, plus the odds of me getting in are ... lmao, but it's worth mentioning. going to calarts would make me feel absolutely fulfilled and proud of myself for Once In My Life, I think. that's the most alluring thing about it.)

but art school is fucking expensive. drowning in debt after going to a school that prepares you to work in a field that is so competitive, and knowing that it's highly likely that I could only find a career by being at the right place at the right time, or finding the right connections.... it all sounds so risky and tricky and it just. aughhggh. then again that's probably true for most professions...

I also think about how art school could potentially ruin art for me. it really scares me to think about the line between work and play becoming blurred when it comes to art... art is something precious and personal and if it lost its spark as a result of it becoming my job for possibly the rest of my life, it feels like part of me would Die . like that's dramatic af but.

so... those are the things I think about when I think abt going to art school. on the other hand, I'd learn so much, and grow so much as both and artist and a person, and even if it's not perfect I just might really enjoy it. it might be the only career that would make me feel truly happy and fulfilled. i think if i were to follow my heart, art would be the thing I'd want to pursue career-wise. but the stakes feel so high.

if I went to the in-state liberal arts college, it would cost less than an art school but more than a cc, but it's much more inspiring and more conducive to personal growth than I think a cc would be -- not that a cc wouldn't help me grow at all, but just that it's an entirely different experience living at a college and immersing yourself in the community and your studies. plus, I've taken two quarters at the school already, and I know I like the people and classes. but I don't know exactly what I would want to study, is the problem. it's a nonconventional school where u build ur own interdisciplinary degree, so I would probably do some mix of psychology/art/literature or. smth. if I decided not to pursue a career in art, I can also see myself becoming a teacher, or a therapist. those both do interest me, but they don't exactly... tug me in the same way doing art profesionally does. so it feels lacking and a bit depressing in that way. but that doesn't mean they don't sound fulfilling and inspiring in other ways. and I know I can always do art as a hobby if I don't pursue it as a career, + doing it just as a hobby would also be the safest route.

moving there also really scares me bc I just don't know if I'm ready for it yet, or if I ever will be ready to move out of my mom's house tbh. I Have to move out eventually though, so it's like... there's no point in waiting until I'm ready if that feeling of being ready and prepared never actually comes. I should just go for it. and the fact that I'm so scared of living in a college an hour away from my mom's house makes the idea of going to an art school out of state feel like an impossible feat.

but it's like, doing those things that feel impossible and terrifying would do more to help me grow and evolve than anything else. and it's like, the more ambitious and drastic the choice I make is, the more. Valid I feel, the more I feel successful I feel and therefore just. worth something. I want to make myself and my family proud, even though my parents just don't roll that way at all-- they genuinely just want me to be happy. my siblings put more pressure on me than anyone else to go to college, get a job, get a house etc all the Adult things, and they don't actually put all that much pressure on me beyond judging me when I tell them I'm taking a break from school and just. visiting once in a blue moon, judging my lifestyle when it doesn't adhere to their standards, then completely forgetting abt my whole deal and what I'm doing w/ my life to focus on their own once they leave. and their expectations for me are really just projections of their own expectations for themselves, and their priorities and goals and. everything. they're just so different from me. but despite all that, their approval of me means So Much to me and guides my decisions, and when it doesn't, it's their voices in the back of my head telling me what a loser and failure I am for not following their version of a successful path.

anyway. the last option is to go to a community college and get my aa, since I can't figure out what I want to do for sure yet, and I'd rather go to school than do nothing at all (even tho I'm working on trying to open an art shop thing, but it's just not fulfilling enough...). going to a community college would be the cheapest, safest, most comfortable option. but it doesn't exactly inspire me... and i think some people upon finding out that's what I decided to do would be really doubtful, and might even try to talk me out of it, or just be generally really unimpressed and cynical abt it.

and i think i just. put entirely too much stock into other what other ppl think. but i have no idea how to silence other ppl's voices and opinions and listen to my own. i have NOOOo freaking clue to just trust my gut and follow my heart. it's all too clouded up in there with other ppl's expectations and fears of being judged or criticized.

i just. really want to feel like the decisions i make on my own, w/ my own best interest in mind, are supported. but it feels like they're only supported on strict conditions w/ some people. my parents are unconditionally supportive... to a point...... they're skeptical of me going to art school bc of how expensive it is. when i've talked to them abt it, i haven't left the convo feeling encouraged. they're just as scared as i am abt the money part.

i fucking hate money . i hate. capitalism. that's prob dumb of me to say bc i know next to nothing abt it but like. i hate this system i was forced into and all of its peripheries and i hate thinking the education system is probably more interested in shaping me to better fit into capitalist society than it is in actually helping me learn and grow as an individual. i don't know if that's necessarily true... and like, teachers are amazing and can be so passionate, and it's not like school doesn't help you learn and grow -- that's. literally what it's for?? but. ghjgrhhhg i don't have the energy to explain but i'm just Mad abt capitalism

i want to go to school bc. i want to learn, and it's a way for me to connect with a whole community of ppl, and it just opens up a lot of opportunities and makes me feel like I'm really Living. but like. it's scary to go when i'm not sure what exactly it is i want to do. it's scary to go to a regular college and feel bad abt not going to an art school, and it's scary to go to an art school and possibly lose my passion for it and also be crazy poor, and everything is just. scary. and i'm only fuckin 20 but i feel so urgently that i need to hurry up and do something. and i don 't. KNOWWW. WHAT TO DOOOO so i think really hard abt it desperately trying to find a conclusion i'm happy with, but i second-guess and talk myself out of every decision before i can make it, and nothing feels satisfying, and i feel unsure and helpless all the time, and i don't know what i want or what would be best for me, and i can't get help from anyone bc these are decisions I need to make On My Own but i fucking don't know howwwww

and i just feel so lost and alone and frightened and frustrated and exhausted and lazy and weak and cowardly and. everything is hard

#prob delete later #lol the way i opened this it sounds like i'm gonna talk abt really emotionally vulnerable stuff but Mostly i'm just a struggling millennial #upd8: writing abt it brought me next to no newfound clarity on anything but it was. kind a comforting to get it off my chest at least #FUUUUCK SORRY I forgot readmores don't work on mobile 💦💦

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aish-rai · 6 years

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can you expand on your thoughts about how 'polyamorous' makes your eyes roll back lol? like i dont disagree with the post, theres always these extremes with both sides how some monogamous ppl think poly ppl are sluts/promiscuous and vice versa where poly ppl always think monogamous ppl are prudes/outdated. but thats diff from polyamory lol so id like to know your thoughts on that

My policy, generally, is that what people do in their bedroom is their own business. But don’t try to convince me that it’s a good idea lmao like literally every single discussion I’ve had with people on the topic of polyamory has been about how monogamy isn’t natural and there’s scientific basis for that assertion and being with one person for the rest of your life is somehow regressive. I’d argue it’s the other way around? The need to follow your libido into fucking multiple people is like, the definition of catering to your base instincts. What separates humanity from other mammals is our ability to control which instincts to follow and which to ignore for the betterment of not only our own lives, but for society as a whole. We have logic and emotion and control for a reason. And if polyamory is the way of the future, what about the past few thousand years where marriage was only a social contract and polyamory was the accepted form of relationships? Monogamy as a general societal expectation is a fairly new phenomenon, and it seems to me that it’s actually much more progressive than having multiple partners?

By all means, do whatever you want with whomever you want, but don’t try to bullshit me with pseudo science about how it’s anything other than a lifestyle you’re choosing to follow as opposed to some sort of social revolution that will change relationships as we know it blah blah blah. And anyone who DOES start that conversation, usually completely without provocation, is (in my experience) pretty eye-roll-worthy already.

#plus there's the power imbalance and honestly you can tell me till the cows come home that you're all equal #but i have a hard time believing that in most cases #Anonymous

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nickyhemmick · 7 years

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hey lately I've been trying to loose some weight (and I did a bit!!!! But mostly because my blood tests are all a mess like high cholesterol and stuff) so would you mind if I ask what have you been doing to lose weight?

okay well firstly i would strongly advise against diets. because they really dont work and i just spent 4 days researching abt it for class and just. dont diet please. never skip meals.

u shld also ask urself if ure trying to lose weight for urself or for other people. because the motivation of losing weight for other people will not get you through the tough challenge of losing weight.

personally what helped me was exercise. but not that bs gym exercise, but simply exercise i enjoyed and loved. because i dont like to exercise, but by doing zumba its something ive become excited for. and it helps me destress etc. here’s the vid i use if you want it. i did it every day. well, 6 days a week but every day. it didnt matter what i had, exams or whatever, i always made the time unless i genuinely couldnt. like for example when i went on holiday i didnt exercise one bit and didnt try. you gotta be honest w urself.

exercising 30 mins everyday is also way better than 1 hour at the gym a week or smth, bc this can be done at home and saves a lotttt of time. plus youre in the comfot of ur home w no eyes to make you embarrassed.

what also helped me was being free in my diet, but also strict. i personally adore most fruits and vegetables, so i simply made an effort to eat them more. but if i also wanted to eat chocolate a day of the week? fuck yeah i will. but that doesnt mean every time i had a craving i would give it to myself. you have to know when to reward yourself and when to refuse it. like i said, losing weight is a very personal tough experience.

and thats why i didnt tell anyone i was doing it. tbh the main reason i started exercising was bc i realized how unfit i was. like id walk up 2 flights of stairs and be winded. the losing weight came later, and i was dedicated to exercise for myself. it was months before anyone knew i was working on myself. only when it began to show or when ppl found out accidentally did they know. hell, the only person who knew i was exercising was my mom and i made sure she told no one.

also, sometimes you’ll feel great and other times not. what i mean by this is you’ll gain and lose weight a lot for the rest of ur life. thats why u gotta adapt a healthy process to help you, and making exercise part of ur daily routine will honestly do magic for u. i never thought id be preaching abt exercise but. here we are.

tbh its all about what works for you. what you like and dislike, and how to develop a healthy lifestyle that is simply for you. my method maybe wont be ur method and thats okay!! everyone makes it in diff ways

anyways, good luck!!! i honestly wish u all the best and hope u stay determined all the way. if u need anymore help or advice or smth hmu

#advice #gl!!#anon #tala gets asks

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princessnijireiki · 7 years

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like hawai'i is one of the places I’ve lived where like the whole… “eat/shop local” thing is v. doable + accessible AND actually cheaper than the alternative

which I’ve only found to be the case elsewhere either in like rural areas (esp. if there’s a large hunting season or sth!) or in areas where you can tap into a network of like other poor ppl hustling & making do like x always has vegetables & trades with y who raises fish who sells to z who braids hair, like generally this is a poor poc and/or poor immigrant concept

in suburbia™ (esp. if you don’t have a car) this is damn near impossible to do & harder still to afford unless ppl come to you… like example: there’s a few ppl I know down here who keep chickens, if you’re friends they’ll give/sell you eggs for cheap, but that’s RLY regional… there’s folks w. pickup trucks who sell watermelon on the roadside s/t but like at 2-3x grocery store prices, so I can’t swing that… but there’s ALSO The Honey Man, who has a pickup truck set up on random nice sunny days with raw unpasteurized (s/t unfiltered!!!!!) local honeys, and he is literally the Only person my family buys honey from

but without those like outliers & fringe markets you either have to find + stalk a farmer’s market (the closest one to me is like a damn 45min drive away) or u pay through the nose for the privilege

orrrrr like in hawai'i there’s still yk like poverty walmart shopping + the dollar menu for fast food, but like going to a noodle house is cheaper than pizza, buying seasonal local fruits is cheaper than, like, deciding you need apple pie or sth, even at on-base prices (and tbh I Hated going on base)

hell, another on-base example: I went up there once & there were lines out the wazoo for overpriced shitty like pizza hut & burger king… and No One at this food truck literally just outside this shopping building area (catering more towards local workers who cldn’t shop inside I think— and ain’t that some shit??? working someplace you can’t shop??? like it’s literally not legally allowed) selling plate lunches with guava chicken, aka like 3x as much food that’s 2x as good for ½ the price

it’s just a weird dichotomy to observe, like, as a poor person, bc I was sick as a dog at diff. points out there (my var. autoimmune shit started kicking in like 1/2yr before I headed out west…), but it’s probs the healthiest I’ve eaten/lived in my life and it was like sort of 100% accidental bc you don’t get to say “I have 79¢ to my name, it’s pop-tarts for dinner,” like, no, it’s rice & eggs bc pop-tarts cost money, so ig you BETTER make some time to cook bc otherwise you’ll be having sleep for dinner

like it demands a different kind of lifestyle from you, which isn’t necessarily a good thing— I didn’t make a living wage, for example, so if I’d had a cross-island commute or a 2nd/3rd job, my energy levels wld’ve been rly different… but on the mainland a mcchicken is cheaper than a can of spam, in hawai'i I can get a spam curry katsu ramen (like 2 meals’ worth of food!!!) for less than a happy meal. it’s just v. v. different than what my atlantic seaboard ass is used to.

#long post //#i just woke up lmao sorry #.#..#...#food #hawai'i #i knew ppl a lot poorer than me out there in terms of housing education etc.#but most everybody i worked with was actually either significantly wealthier than me or their parents were #like just in terms of real estate… it was wild #and tbh i've never not been cash-poor / working class to lower middle class range bank acct wise #so like bc of my aunt's now ex-husband's housing allotment we didn't have rent to worry abt but tbh bc of like #Circumstances™#beyond that we were living on both of our $7.50/hr barista wages & that was it.#so we were legit just like ''lol french fries??? what a mainland concept… let's go to zippy's''#like i knew a kid who wld go to the One krispy kreme on the island & buy a bunch of donuts when they opened to hawk on the roadside during #the morning traffic rush bc it was a quick buck even tho krispy kreme is not actually better than malasadas ykwim #it's just mainlander ''cheap'' food vs. ACTUALLY cheap food.

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hellotvv · 7 years

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Life

Hmhm life is really weird right now.

I mean, when you really think about it. You only have one life to live. I guess if you believe in heaven or reincarnation it’s different. But idk I guess if you do believe in reincarnation, it’s not like u remember your past lives. SO in some sense, this is the ONE life to live. I feel like it’s important to make the most out of it.

I’ve never contemplated dying or suicide or anything. I guess I’m somewhat blessed to not have any mental health disorders (that I know of) like anxiety, panic attacks, depression, etc.

But I’d say, right now is kind of a low point in my life. For my new year resolution, I said I’d make this year great. I honestly made this year pretty good.

I was single, I was happy being single, I improved myself in so many ways, and I learned to like myself in a lot of ways.

I did a long rant that I wrote when studying late at night. But unfortunately my ipad decides to alt tab randomly, and none of it was saved… Whatever…

But I guess for life, it’s been okay. I realized a lot more about life each year, which is good. It means I’ve been maturing each year.

Somethings I’ve realized more (some I knew before) is that my best friend changes each year. 1st year of college was arguably Calvin/Kai/Jessica/Edward/Michael at certain points. Then 2nd year it was mostly Stephanie/Brent/Calvin sometimes/etc. 3rd year was mostly Brent/his friends/somewhat Fyona, Cat, Kristy, etc. Over this past summer before senior year is starting. It’s been shifting quite a bit. It’s been Jenn/Cat/Kristy/Brent, but nowadays who knows. I just hung out with my friend Max and tonight was wild tbh. It made me realize some things I need to improve about myself. I REALLY need to develop more confidence in myself and be capable of talking to new people in spontaneous situations. Yeah, I pride myself on being able to connect and talk to ppl 1 on 1 if we have a mutual friend/etc. But can I really say that I’m capable of talking to a complete stranger randomly and having a great conversation with them? Who knows… Do I need this skill? Idk, but it would help. Idk I guess I’m very harsh on myself and want to be good at everything. I guess this is something I need to work on.

I really want to type more and talk about more, but idk if I’m in the right mindset. I feel like ranting and talking, but I’m also tired at the same time. I’m tired a lot of my summer days, maybe from lack of sleep, maybe from stress, or idk…

But I really gotta work on myself. I wanna be a better me, I wanna be happier, and etc.

This sounds depressing and it seems like I made 0 progress with myself. But that’s so untrue. I’ve been working on so many diff things, but idk… Sometimes you just have those nights where u hate yourself or too down on yourself in certain things.

I WANNA BE REALLY HAPPY. I don’t need someone else to validate my happiness. But I feel like my happiness is tied to so many different things. I want to make my parents proud/happy, I want myself to idk seem respectable/cool to other ppl, and etc. BUT it’s kind of hard to just be happy when I don’t feel successful… I want to be successful financially for my parents, I want to be successful academically for my parents too/myself, I want to be successful socially (very subjective), and Idk….

Is it possible to ever be completely happy/content? maybe. I always want more, since I feel like If I don’t want anything life is boring and idk. I guess stress is part of life, being sad is part of life, feeling idk asdf;ksadf;l everyhting is part of life. I really wanna be happy, but I sometimes wonder what does it take?

Do I need a lot of money to be happy? Do I need a SO to be happy? Do I need my parents to be proud of me? Do I need a million friends and to be busy every day to be happy? Do I need to be physically/crazily attractive to be happy? What does it take Theo?

IDK.. It feels like all of those things is required… Adksa;lds Damn. It just feels like yeah, I’m somewhat in a better place than ppl in maybe many of those aspects, but it never feels like it’s enough…. I am happy, I’m content most of my days, and etc. But it feels like some days, it’s just rough for no reason. Or I guess there is reason. I’m not incredibly successful in any of those things. I’m not crazy crazy attractive, I’m not incredibly successful financially/academically, and I don’t have some attractive SO to validate myself. I guess the only person that can really reassure/validate myself is myself, but I’m not always happy with myself. I’m content some days, I’m unhappy some days, and maybe some rare days I’m really happy with myself.

But today is not one of those days. I feel like a failure, I feel like I’m not really good in anything that an adult values (being good a photography/video games/knowledgeable in music/blah blah is whatever). UGH I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF.

The only way I know how is to feel secure about my future, know my parents are content with me, and idk be happy with my lifestyle. But I guess it takes a while to achieve all of those things. maybe in a couple days, I’ll figure it out more, talk to my parents, and maybe this last school year will be amazing.

I’ll write more about how I feel, updates on life, and etc soon. Right now, is just some dumb philosophical rant while I’m drunk and feeling ehh about myself.

Peace…

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