"You're doing it again, aren't you?"

"...Huh?"

"My love, you're doing it again," Saeran stressed the words one by one. He pressed a warm blanket around your shoulders, likely fresh from the dryer after given that he had been doing laundry for whilst you took care of other matters. "You're pushing yourself too hard to take care of this. I know you feel obligated to do everything but you can't keep this up forever... I don't want you to burn yourself out. It's not healthy."

You pulled the blanket tighter around your shoulders and turned away from your laptop screen. No matter how much you wanted to look at it and get your work done, you couldn't. You couldn't take it anymore. It hurt every time you tried to rationalize what you had to do and how you had to do it.

It was way. too. much.

How could you ever get all this work done in time before it was due? There was so much riding on you, so much riding on how good you could present your plan, and so much riding on how you could craft every little detail down to the atom.

Everyone was counting on you, trusting their fate in your hand to do the right thing without a second thought, and that felt like a blessing and a curse.

It felt good to know people trusted you, and how far they were willing to go to place their confidence in you.

"Do you think I don't know that?" You retorted, then winced, upon hearing how the words sounded. It wasn't like you were angry with him. It wasn't his fault. He didn't deserve to be barked at because everything felt like it was on fire. He only wanted to remind you it wasn't okay to do this to yourself.

Not when you had been fighting your instincts for years to stop doing this to yourself whenever you felt backed in a corner with no way out of it.

You swiftly recanted those very angry words as you regretted them the second they left your lips. "Sorry, Saeran. I shouldn't take this out on you. I know you're right! I know—this isn't the way I should handle everything! I just... I don't know how else to do this! Everyone needs me to put on a strong face and do what's best for the job. I'm glad I have the respect of my coworkers, and that they believe in me to do what's best! But, I'm—"

It also hurt to know that their faith in you was what led you to take on as much as you could to make things right.

"...I'm tired."

Quietly, he wrapped his arms around your shoulders. He couldn't see it, but he could hear the sob in the back of your throat as you felt the shame and exhaustion catch up with you. You couldn't bare to look at his face, and he knew that, which is why he made sure you felt those loving, tender arms there to bring you peace.

"You can always tell them you need help, my love," he whispered, the words warm and gentle. "You don't have to do everything all alone all the time."

You knew he was right.

But, it was hard for you to confess you needed help. It was hard to say you were in too deep and over your head, and GOD. God, you sounded like Jihyun Kim when he hit rock bottom. You didn't want that. You didn't want to do what he did, nor did you want to repeat those painful shadows you tried to talk him out of before he gave up on himself.

You knew better, and yet, it was the crux of your fatal flaws, always there when you let yourself get too worked up, and you knew that falling back on old habits would only burn you.

So, why couldn't you do better? Why wasn't the road to learning how to do better for yourself a flat one, not filled with bumps and hills and mud and more obstacles? It wasn't fair, but you knew you couldn't do this to yourself anymore.

The words were tiny and faded as you croaked: "...I just want to cry first."

"I've got you, my love, cry as long as you want to," his words lulled you to let go of the stress, melting into his embrace.

I think Bakugou has a very hard time looking in the mirror for a while. Avoids it like the plague, because all he can see is a reminder of the price that was paid to keep him alive and, even into adulthood, he still doesn’t feel like he’s worth it.

When Push Comes to Shove

Donnie storms into Leo's room, throwing his phone onto Leo's bed, for once barely flinching at the loudly blasting Mother Mother as Leo glares up at him, barely imperceptible tears of anger making his eyes slightly glassy.

"Take it back."

"Get out of my room."

"Not until you take it the FUCK back." Donnie yells, pointing at his still glowing phone, the screen reading back Leo's last posts. "You'd rather you have stayed in the fucking prison dimension? Really."

"I said get out." Leo glares, hug tightening around the pillow he clutches. There's a nearby mug shattered on the ground.

"NO! Fuck you! What the fuck do you even mean it would have been better, what kind of bullshit is that? You'd rather Usagi be without you? You'd rather we be without you?"

"Donnie I said get OUT!" Leo gets up off his bed, dropping the pillow. "I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU."

"NO!" Donnie pushes him, feeling tears burn in his eyes and throat. "How- How can you even SAY that!? That you'd rather stay there than with US-"

Leo shoves him, making him stumble back into the wall and fall backwards, Donnie having to grab onto the dresser to stop himself from hitting his head against the wall. "SHUT UP!"

Donnie stares up at his brother, Leo's eyes glowing electric blue as he pants, the angry tears starting to slip down both their faces.

"I said get out."

My conclusive overall review of RWBY Vol 9

Now that my feelings on the finale have had half a day to settle. I feel it is time to give my opinion on the season overall instead of just the finale on its own.

The new cast of characters is also somewhat wanting. While one-off characters Jinxy, Herb and the King fulfill their purposes perfectly well. some crucial characters important to the seasons overall narrative (Cat, Lewis, Alyx and Little) were with all either one-note (little), Hollow shells of plot serving to sell a future spin-off book(Lewis and Alyx). The cat was fine though, and fulfilled its purpose well.  For the first half,  Volume 9 suffers from a major disconnect as the plot relies on the characters familiarity with the fairytale. which makes it sort of unsatisfying to watch cause we have no idea how the fairytale even went. As a result we spend half the season wandering around, seemingly aimlessly, while neither characters nor audience have a clue what they are doing besides vaguely advertising an RT’s eventual spin-off book release.  Sort of like the early Sherlock Holmes books, where the plot is moved by sherlock but we only have Wattsons’ knowledge of events to guide us through. Its a clueless mystery with no fulfillment to it. Then moving into the later-half of the season, Where the show attempts to handle difficult topics and, in true RWBY style doesnt always handle it well. While the eventual handliing of ruby’s self-acceptance issues is in the finale is good . The decision to have Jaune’s problems of self-worth be solved by “yes you werent the hero, but would you like to be one now?” leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It feels like its trying to say “Ruby, your impostor syndrome was a bad thing, you should learn to accept yourself for who you are. You’re actually fine as is dont worry about it you are good enough”. meanwhile to Jaune the tree’s messaging is: “yes you’re right, you do suck major ass. and while we dont have any tips on how to improve yourself as a personi can put you in the right time and place to be usefull for just this once because your woodshell happens to be above the cat RN.” and now for  the origami-paperes elephant in the room. The race of little star-shaped Alexanders-the-Great, who commit mass ennui-motivated suicides because they ran out of acre to conquer and/or decorate, and are portrayed as right for taking the easy way out of their boredom. Now i’ve had someone respond to me on an earlier post about the stars, that they believed the stars were meant to be an allegory for people with terrible wasting diseases that leave them frail and in terminal misery, and the process of them making the difficult choice of euthenasia, as well as the difficult path of a family member to come to acceptance with that choice. Which is a heavy, nuanced and important topic that I do not want to make light of in the slightest. So please take no offense when i say that; While I could see the space in which people with those experiences could project themselves into Jaune’s struggle with Penny’s death. I cant actually see that as being the actual situation facing the paperstars themselves. Because the way the stars explain their problem to RWBY is verry much one of boredom and listlessness rather then any state of terminal misery of which only death could possibly grant relief. So the star-subplot either tried to tackle euthenasia and missed the mark by a mile due to framing issues (which is dangerous), or it just said “Remember suicide is an acceptable cure for boredom” which is actively evil. as messages go. Add onto that the fact that, in the long term their solution doesnt actually work, as they’ll redecorate the acre with gems instead of paper. Run out of acre to decorate again like they did the first time and have find a new way to kill themselves again and this subplot fails critically. And because the latter half of the plot is trying to tie 3-or more such heavy topics together in quick succession all together (Ruby’s attempted suicide, Jaune’s grief over Euthenising Penny, Ruby’s self-worth issues, Jaune’s sisiphean hell, Jaune’s self-worth over failing Alyx) the toxic messaging given by the stars subplot spreads across the adjacent plots like a malignant viral infection. Tainting all of them with a “pro-suicide” undertone that i can only hope was never RT’s intention. Top that all off with a the rather unsatisfying finale, focussed more on loredumping then tying together or resolving the seasons emotional beats and I can only say that, Despite its promise for the tone of the series going forward by presenting hope as an actual thing instead of a mere nebulous concept, This season was in my opinion nonetheless, the worst season of the series so far.

Love

He thinks it’s something that he can see in peoples’ expressions. A thing he can hear, an aroma he can smell on the air.

It’s Billy’s biggest flaw. Thinking that he can sense such a thing at first encounter.

Never once in his life did he feel it in the sting that Neil’s fists left on his skin, or in the harsh words that he would shout. He didn’t feel it when Susan pretended not to notice the bruises left behind while she scooped pancakes onto his plate the morning after. He didn’t feel it when Max would give him the silent treatment, and, most of all, he didn’t feel it when his mother left.

At some point, he stopped looking for signs of it, and started looking for the absence.

Saw that in most people, tucked away behind smiles and flirtatious words. Could practically feel the lies on his skin like mosquito bites, swelling and itching and bleeding until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

Maybe people like him didn’t deserve more than that. The discomfort of falsehoods weighing down on his spine until he no longer understood what he saw in his reflection, until he was looking at some misshapen version of himself, bent and coiled and broken down into scraps of a person. Barely recognizable as anything other than the physical form of grief.

Even if the tall tales that he heard on a daily basis were pretty fantasies, stretched for miles like open fields of green grass and knights on horseback seeking the hands of princesses, he couldn’t set his swelling anger aside. Couldn’t stand there and pretend like he felt something special in the way that Karen caressed his cheek or the way that Tommy clapped a hand on his back.

Because even admiration for his body didn’t serve as a replacement for what he needed.

The need for someone to look deep down within themselves and unearth that something, to reveal that every ounce of it is for Billy to take his fill of. To give until he sees himself in his reflection again, patched together with the most gentle force on earth like his very soul has been mended with silk thread.

And, maybe, upon the discovery that such a feat is beyond impossible, Billy starts to tear himself apart even more.

There’s something comforting in knowing that he’s made himself too far gone to fix, that his edges are too frayed for even the most talented of seamstresses to repair.

He doesn’t taste that special something when he has a monster shoved down his throat. Doesn’t feel it in the icy tendrils that coil around his insides, nor does he hear it in the dark voice that echoes inside his mind.

It’s not there when he wakes up in the hospital, alone.

Billy thinks then that, maybe, he’ll see the end of things before he ever gets the chance to experience what it’s like to be someone’s. To be craved so badly that no substitutes will suffice. To be another person’s everything and then some.

To be cherished beyond boundary.

Just when he begins to feel his last seam start to unravel, there’s a soft knock on the door. The spaces between his heartbeats are long and quiet, but his body shakes with them like there’s a raging storm brewing inside of him.

Because there, in the doorway, stands Steve Harrington. With a bouquet of golden poppies in his hand and a warm look on his face to match.

Like sunshine just stepped into Billy’s hospital room.

And, for the first time in his life, Billy feels it.

Hello Lottie dearest. I was wondering if you would be willing to write some encouraging words as Hux to whoever is reading? While many things in my life are getting better I am finding my self a bit down and depressed. Mostly these feelings relate to body image, self confidence and a feeling that I am not meeting life's expectations. I know that these are things that many people struggle with and most days the feelings aren't so bad but other times they can be all consuming, like today. Please do not feel obligated to write if this is something you don't feel comfortable doing.

LOGGED IN AS LEUITENANT EMERALD 12901 (LOG OUT)

| INBOX (1)

| APPOINTMENTS

| ASSIGNMENTS

| SETTINGS

INBOX (1)

SENDER: GENERAL ARMITAGE HUX  | SUBJECT: CONCERN

OPEN MESSAGE- - - - - - - - - - -

Good evening, Lieutenant Emerald. Forgive the arrival of my message when you are off-shift but I thought it necessary as your commanding officer—and your friend—to contact you.

It was pleasant to spend some time with you in the mess hall this evening but I do not approve of some of the things that you spoke about and, as your General, I must bring these issues to your attention at once.

Let me begin by saying this;

You are enough. You are.

Even without looking at your personal records, I can tell you that you are one of the finest officers to ever grace the First Order. Your presence here is valued greatly, both as an officer and a person. I shouldn’t be revealing this confidential information to you but I have had reports of other officers asking about your well-being because you do not seem like yourself.

I have seen the way you look at yourself when you pass your reflection, the way you spoke about yourself to fellow officers. I refuse to wear my heart on my sleeve but I shall bear all for you, Lieutenant, because I know that you need to hear these things that I have to say to you.

I know what it is like to look in the mirror and dislike what you see. I know what it is like to see the way others look at me and hear their insults. I command respect and I strut on the bridge as though I am invincible but I’m not. I can still hear my father’s words in my mind but my uniform is like my armour; nothing can penetrate it because I am worthy of it.

You are the same, Lieutenant. What you see in the mirror may not please you but those thoughts are like my father’s words; wrong. Negativity about your appearance, whether that be from others or lies from your own mind, is exactly that; lies. Are you here? Yes. Do you manage to get through each day? Yes. Then that makes you a worthy and valued person and, if I may be so bold, beautiful. How can a person with such a strong heart and soul be ugly?

Whether you think you are as thin as a slip of paper or otherwise, you are not. Your body is the tool in which you will conquer your obstacles and annihilate your enemies; how can you become General one day if you do not trust in yourself?

Your life, your path, has no wrong choices, dear friend. You are not behind or failing or lacking, you are exactly where you need to be in this vast galaxy—even if you do not believe that. It is no secret that I believe that everything has a place, that everything has order. You are in the place where you are most needed now—and if that place is in your bedchambers then I would say that it is a good place to be.

Low moods and bad feelings do not take away from the fact that you are a tremendously valued person. Sad days and mean thoughts are not you, Lieutenant. Your smile and your interests and your values are you. And I know that you are worthy.

I know you are suffering, my friend, but you are not alone. I am with you, the First Order is with you. And I’m sure that if he were to stop breaking my consoles for a kriffing moment, Master Ren would be with you too. Perhaps we can approach him for some advice on how to help you with your problems. You did not hear this from me but I know that Ren himself suffers as you do.

Even the strongest of warriors have anxieties and shed tears. You are not alone.

My chambers are open to you any time. Millicent would enjoy a visit, I’m sure.

Always here.

Sincerely,

General A. Hux

1:27 pm

oh my god i literally hate myself. like I hate myself so much and its fucking terrible. I can't do anything right because my brain WONT LET ME. IT WILL NOT. please just let me do something. please just let me function and be normal i actually hate living. how am i ever going to survive. i'm never going to have a stable job or money or anything. someone is always going to have to babysit me. take care of me. i am not going to survive.

I am going to be so useless and incompetent. i already am. my friends are going to have to take care of me because i can do nothing on my own without wanting to die. my only hope is being an author but even then i know i'll be having to lay on the ground, desperately trying to finish a chapter when i feel like im being eaten from the inside. i know i will never amount to anything. i don't deserve the people or things i have and i never will. i don't deserve my partner, my family, friends, anything. i am worthless.

welcome to round 637 of 'i'm a fucking idiot who doesn't know what's good for me and i should probably have someone else micromanaging my life so that i don't fuck it up irreparably'

the past three hours have been one clusterfuck after the other and it's entirely my fault, so i'm going to go listen to cry all the time by cutting room floor for as long as it takes me to get a headache

You mean it’s not normal to plan offing yourself in vivid detail on the daily?

mirror {a poem by r. h. stoker}

it is a gentle shift

muscles under skin

bones beneath muscle

a shell for the soul

a shell: protection

a barrier from harm

to keep evil out

or keep evil in

there it is

solid and opaque

as you stare into

the windows to your soul

windows, the only gap

in an impenetrable shell

for which your tired soul

can shine through

containment is ugly

and so the soul hates the shell

and sees it as a

vile, terrible thing

the soul wants free

but no matter how deep

you cut or scratch or pick

the shell remains impenetrable

that ugly, loving,

caring, disgusting,

hideous, beautiful,

shell of your soul

you hate it so

and yet the windows to that soul,

longing for freedom,

weep at its pain

Pinned (Commissions) | Writing Masterlist | Kofi | Etsy  

i guess it's good i had started to re-gain my zest for life and enjoying my life in my body before this happened lol

I drift away from land and take off my life vest. It’s easier to sink than it is to survive.

I hurt myself for the first time in 8 months and my bf of 4 months doesn’t want to sleep with me until the cuts have healed. He apologised and said that he still likes me as much as before.

I still feel gross and sad :(

What are ur thoughts abt this?