*teen Kakashi and Obito in Kakashi’s room, making out*
Kakashi: W-wait … wait a sec … slow down …
Obito: *pulls back* I’m sorry; am I hurting you?
Kakashi: No, it’s just … I need a breather. You’re always so eager when you come back from missions.
Obito, grinning: Can’t help it; I thought about you all the way back. But you’re right, let’s take a break.
*the two sit quietly for a few minutes, holding each other and catching their breath*
Kakashi: Can I ask you something?
Obito: Yeah?
Kakashi: Does … does it bother you, that I consider myself a boy?
Obito: What do you mean “consider”? You ARE a boy.
Kakashi: Well, not entirely, not yet. You know my body is still —
Obito: *pulls him into a hug* I don’t give a shit, Bakashi. You feel that you’re a boy, therefore you are one. What parts you have or don’t have don’t matter. *kisses Kakashi’s neck* Still wanna kiss you regardless.
Kakashi, tearing up: Y-you sap. But doesn’t it bother you, when we’re out on the street and some people stare at us?
Obito: Babe, I’m an Uchiha. People stare at me anyways. At least now I can think they’re looking because they’re jealous.
Kakashi: Jealous?
Obito: A lowly Uchiha managed to snag fuckin’ Kakashi Hatake. Genius. Prodigy. The most beautiful creature in the universe, boy or girl.
Kakashi: You’re not a “lowly” anything, Obito. Be proud of your family name. But speaking of “boy”; it’s time for my shot. *gets out a clean syringe and bottle of T* You can look away if you want.
Obito: Kakashi. Come on. When are you going to get it already?! I’m your boyfriend, I’m here to support you in everything you do! I —
*Kakashi sterilizes the needle and Obito’s eyes get wide*
Obito: N-needle is kinda b-big, huh?
Kakashi: Last chance; I’m gonna warn you that sometimes there’s a little blood …
Obito: *faces pales considerably* B-blood doesn’t bother me! It’s fine! I —
Obito: *sees a tiny drop of blood emerge from Kakashi’s stuck thigh*
Obito: *faints*
Kakashi: *sighs and arranges Obito’s head so that it’s in his lap*
Kakashi: *strokes Obito’s hair while leaning down to kiss his forehead* Idiot.
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I am sorry but YOUR TAGS ASHSKJSJFADA Naruto faints after his fight with Sasuke and the first thing he does when he wakes up is check if his dick has fallen off
oh my goihsdffskjl -
Flash-fic under cut!
Contains: severe mood whiplash, discussion of transness, and non-sexual, educational discussion of genitalia.
Please for the love of god don't tag as tea.cher/stu.dent
Naruto blinks groggily back to consciousness. Above him, the undercanopy bows under the heavy autumn rain. Drops splatter cold on his nose then dribble over the curve of his cheek, down his neck, and puddle in his collar, like spirits are spitting on him from the sky.
It takes a moment for him to remember what happened (Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke) and another, longer, to get his bearings. He's moving. Being carried, in fact - cradled against a familiar chest, loping through the woodland around Konoha at a pace suited to legs far longer than Naruto's own.
"Hey," says Kakashi-Sensei. "You're going to be okay."
His voice is nice and low. All vibratey too, with Naruto curled against him like this. It should make him feel warm. Reassured. Safe.
Naruto kinda hates it.
He isn't okay. Sasuke's gone, and he failed, even though he promised Sakura, and -
and he fought Sasuke and lost.
Sasuke knocked him unconscious. His head still hurts - this weird, throbbing ache, like he's held his breath for too long underwater. Kakashi-Sensei walks rather than jumping, so as not to jostle him more than necessary, but the cadence of his steps still makes Naruto's stomach roil. Or maybe that's just the sudden, gut-wrench realization of what he's lost.
And he's not just talking about Sasuke.
Sensei warned him, didn't he? If he ever passes out in battle...
Naruto goes sheet-white.
"No! Sensei! Sensei, stop! We need to go back!"
His attempt to jackknife out of Kakashi's grasp is about as much use as a rabbit fighting its way out of a snare - and not just because his limbs feel like balloons filled with jelly. Kakashi-Sensei walks onwards, his grip on Naruto sure and solid, somehow managing to keep him restrained without squeezing tight enough to hurt.
"I'm sorry, Naruto." His dark eye flicks down to him, and Naruto sees an echo of his own sorrow there, twisted in a way he doesn't understand. "I'm not a medic. Being knocked out is no small thing, and you need to be assessed. The priority is to get you back to Konoha - after that, I promise I will do everything I can to locate Sasuke and bring him home peacably - "
"No, no!" Naruto wails, still thrashing. "It's like you said! He knocked me out! He knocked me out!"
The slant of Kakashi-Sensei's eye now reads more as perplexed. "...Losses happen to all of us, Naruto. I'm sure Jiraiya can continue to work on your training, if you're concerned - "
Naruto's next wild swing lands on Kakashi’s jaw. If he were of sounder mind, he might suspect Kakashi-Sensei was indulging him. It doesn't matter anyway - the blow isn't hard enough to make him give more than a mild 'oof'.
"I'm concerned about my dick!" he yells.
Kakashi-Sensei's sandals splash to a stop in the midst of a puddle. A fat rain drop splatters over his hitaii-ate, trickles down, and soaks into the stretchy black fabric of his mask.
Naruto takes the ensuing pause as his cue to continue: "Sasuke knocked me out! And - and you told us what happens when that happens!" He clutches the crotch of his trousers in panic. "What if it fell off? What if we left it there? You can't make me leave my dick lying around in the forest, Kakashi-Sensei - anything might happen to it! What if a deer eats it? How am I supposed to pee if a deer eats my dick?"
Kakashi's eye is, now, twitching.
"Ah," he says faintly. "I - I struggle to see where this... misconception may have arisen. But, ah, Naruto, I really don't think you have anything to worry about - "
"But you said!"
Kakashi-Sensei stares at him. "I am certain I did not."
"You did! After our fight with Zabuza! We dragged you back to Tazuna's and you kept mumbling about how your dick had fallen off!"
That revelation has half of the desired effect: namely, Kakashi lets go of him with one arm, so he can pinch the furrowed skin between his eyebrows. Unfortunately, he strengthens his other arm with his freaky-cool chakra control so Naruto has no chance of escape.
"...I said that?"
Naruto nods emphatically. Then a little less emphatically, because it really hurts his head.
"Yeah! You kept fainting and waking up a bit and then fainting again, and you called me Tenzo a couple times and said your dick had fallen off again like it always does when you faint, but it was okay because you had wraps around the bottom of your trousers. But look!"
He kicks a leg in demonstration. A wet leaf is stuck to his ankle, over the sandal strap.
"I don't wear leg-wraps! My trousers are loose at the bottom!"
It's embarrassing to be talking about this with his weird old Sensei, but Naruto has to keep pressing this point. There's nothing else for it. He can't let a deer eat his dick, dammit! He's already lost too much, today!
"There's nothing to keep my dick in if I faint, Kakashi-Sensei! It might've fallen out, so please, we have to go back - "
Kakashi looks up at the rain-heavy canopy and murmurs something that sounds a little like 'give me strength'.
"Has your dick fallen off before?" he asks, bluntly. "Any time when you've fallen asleep?"
Naruto blinks. "Of course not?"
"Then you'll be fine." Kakashi starts walking again, bearing them back in the direction of Konoha. He's falling into Teacher-Mode - flat sleepy eye and a monotone. "It only happens to a small proportion of the male population. Very rare. In fact, it can only happen if you didn't have a dick when you were younger."
Oh! That was a relief. Naruto let himself slump back into Kakashi's arms, huffing out a breath. He'd always had a dick. Of that, he was pretty sure. Which meant he was okay!
Only... wait.
"No dick? Like a girl?" He remembered that much from the single Biology lesson included on their academy curriculum. He'd spent most of the class giggling over the anatomical diagrams with Kiba at the back.
Crunch, crunch, crunch, went Kakashi's sandals, over the curly orange leaves. Or more like smush, smush, smush, thanks to the rain.
"No. Like a boy without a dick. Some boys get theirs later, and some never get them at all."
"Huh. Cool." He really hadn't been paying attention in the Biology lesson, had he?
But right now, Naruto wasn't in the mood for a lecture. He let the patter of rain wash over them, and the smush smush of soggy leaves, curling tighter against Kakashi's chest like a bright orange pillbug. Thinking of another boy, walking in the opposite direction, towards an opposite destiny. Utterly alone.
"I wonder if Sasuke has a dick," he whispers.
Kakashi stumbles for the first time since Naruto regained consciousness. That's weird - Naruto didn't know elite shinobi did that. Still, his bored expression never changes, and neither does his grip on Naruto's shoulders and legs. "That's a very private thing, Naruto. Not something to speculate on, or ask other people. If they want you to know, they'll tell you." Smush, smush, smush. "...Or, I suppose, they'll blurt something incredibly inappropriate to their young students, while half-conscious."
Naruto cocks his head. "Like you did, Sensei?"
He can tell that Kakashi's grimacing under the mask. "Sorry about that."
Naruto has far more things to be sorry about, today. "I suppose it's a good recap of stuff I forgot from school," he mutters, tugging his jacket sleeves further down his wrists. They're horribly wet and clingy. The rain still sheets around them, loud enough that they have to speak up to be heard, and the cold has sunk through Naruto's skin and into his bones.
He needs to be back in his smelly old apartment, wrapped around his single working radiator. He needs to inhale a bowl of warm ramen. He needs to see Sasuke again.
And he will, he promises himself. He will.
Kakashi glances up at the scant few clearings in the canopy, as if trying to gauge how long the downpour will last from the greyness of the sky. It sucks the colour out of the world, and Kakashi-Sensei doesn't have much of that to start with. He looks like a wet smudge of charcoal. "They don't actually teach a lot of this stuff in school. People are just left to figure it out on their own."
"Eh?" Talking about this is a good distraction from Sasuke, at least. Whenever the conversation lulls, Naruto's mind sinks back down that path, following a raven-haired bastard into the dark. "But that's so confusing! Dicks and no-dicks and girls and boys and - "
"It's only as confusing as you make it, I guess."
Naruto crosses his arms and pouts. "Yeah, well. We're not all smart like you, Sensei. Tell ya what - when I'm Hokage, I'll make sure this stuff is taught properly, okay?"
Kakashi blinks. Then his eye curves in that way that means he's smiling. Thanks to the rain, Naruto can almost - almost! - see the actual expression on his face, his wet mask conforming to the line of his mouth - but he looks away. It feels wrong, somehow, to get a glimpse of Kakashi-Sensei's face if Sasuke's not here to tell about it.
Everything feels wrong, if Sasuke's not here.
"Okay, Naruto," says Kakashi-Sensei, as he carries him out of the forest, into the shadow cast by the Konoha gates. "You do that."
Naruto's fist - the one not buried in Kakashi's flak-jacket, clinging on just as tight as he did on Kannabi bridge - settles over his own heart. He's already sworn to do so much. He'll become Hokage. He'll show Sasuke that he's his equal. He'll keep his promise to Sakura, and he'll bring his lost teammate home.
He supposes it's no big hassle to add another task to that list.
#
Twenty years later, Boruto will walk into his first Sex and Gender Ed class - just another one of many reformations, kicked off by old man Sixth and finalised and streamlined by dad.
For his project, he has to make a presentation on the history of Sex and Gender Education in Konoha, how it's changed, old attitudes versus new. Seeing as he can go right to the source, he grabs grandpa Kakashi and dad and asks them both point blank why they set up the class.
Kakashi and Naruto stare at each other for a long moment.
They're both older, yes. Wiser too - although that's debatable. But there's one truth that remains eternal: that Kakashi is a little shit.
Ignoring all of his student's projected eyebrow-shaped pleas not to go there, Kakashi leans back in his chair, blows steam from his tea, stretches out his achy knee and starts -
"So, this one time when he was thirteen, your dad thought his dick had fallen off - "
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