#Toddler Explorers | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

emeraldmew · 3 months

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Hey, sis.

#also someone remind me to make my Cosmic Horror Toddler theory into something coherent

Whenever you have the time.

Okay. So bear in mind we're only like seven episodes in and I have no evidence and really no thought behind this beyond "would that be fucked up or what?" and "ooh I'd love to see what an eldritch abomination growing up is like."

There are also like, all of the spoilers for the original TMA below so like, if you're just listening to Protocol you might want to skip the rest of this post.

Tenuously connected point 1.

One of the things from what Jonny and Alex have said about Protocol is that it's supposed to involve exploring "what makes a person" right? And we also already know Jonny's answer to this question from his, uh, cannibalism discussion.

Short version: a "person" understands their actions as something that actually does things to the world around them beyond simply fulfilling a want like hunger/capable of choosing to do evil.

Tenuously connected point 2.

In the Archives universe, a point is made that the Fears "don't think. Not like we do." They work off instinct.

Tenuously connected point 3.

While I never looked into the ARG before Protocol's release I have since looked into the summaries of what it revealed. Among other things the ARG revealed Magnus Institute of Protocol was studying children via... psychological experiments of dubious morality. Aside from this being why Sam is snooping into the Magnus Institute (for those who haven't looked into the ARG yet, his name is among the children researched) the experiments are pretty much looking into how children at various stages of development display empathy and whether they conform to orders or choose not to and stuff like that (I'm sure I am not wording this part right someone with a better background in psychology can probably expand further).

Anyway, my point is the idea of choices and such is being studied in relation to psychological development in children.

Tenuously connected point 4.

The way the cases so far have played out in Protocol does seem to show a difference compared to Archives.

Smirke's original categories don't seem to fit quite right anymore as each of the cases seem to have stuff that doesn't cram into the original boxes. As the blurry categories were already a major point in TMA regarding creating the Eyepocalypse and even Sam calls out the categorization the OIAR use in the first episode this isn't surprising. But it does suggest that the Fears have changed from what they were before.

Quite a few people have also suggested that in the cases we've seen sometimes the incidents seem to fulfill a desire (in a monkey's paw way, of course) rather than simply finding a random victim. This might suggest the presence of intent rather than only instinct.

So what?

I'll admit it's just sort of my own "ooh wouldn't that be messed up? let's explore that further" thought process doing the talking here, but The Thing that was Fear has existed since things could feel afraid. It's ancient. But it's also a cosmic horror entity that has been shown to grow from it's initial state to what we saw in Archives (see ep 200).

It's something on a cosmic level. Maybe it wasn't done growing. The Fears don't think "like we do"...

but neither do babies.

What if by Protocol the Fears have developed more after leaving their cradle? To a point where they can at least begin to think or choose.

What if the Fears are eldritch toddlers and they're learning how to play?

#emeraldmew's red string theory of eldritch toddlers #the magnus archives #the magnus protocol #tma #tmagp #tmagp theory #spoilers #i mean i have no evidence beyond the fact that i personally would love to explore a cosmic horror's life cycle #also note that the theory only really touches on the Fears if you came here looking for theories about Chester & Norris you're out of luck #(unless they and Agustus are the nannies in this analogy)

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abombihoney · 1 year

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I...really don't think it's a good idea for Vi to be that close to Leif this early in the timeline. What if she gets infected?

I mean, with the way i figure that cordyceps works in game i dont think that would happen. i dont think its capable of reproducing on its own w/o roach intervention. but also it doesnt work the way that the roaches intended, it doesnt actually extend one's lifespan like they were trying to do, at least according to the devs.

BUT ignoring ALL of that just for the lols

for my au of my au where getting infected does actually stop ur aging and leif is just stuck with a fucking enternal teenager that is trapped in the body of a toddler and this doesnt cause any wild hijinks no sir

#Vi: we should become explorers again #Leif: We are not doing that you are like. five #Vi: *tantrum* BUT IM SEVENTEEN PLUS MORE YEARS LET ME OUT #Leif: We should have let the bees keep you #Vi: PLUS I GOT COOL MUSHROOM POWERS #Leif: you are slightly harder to kill than the average toddler that is not an achievement #tt au #comic #leif #vi #kabbu #kabbu: OH are you so cute this tiny awww #vi: thank you but know that even like this i can destroy you #vi doesn't even get magic powers like leif did lol she's SO mad and leif is SO grateful he doesn't want to deal with MAGIC tantrums #bug fables spoilers #ask #hybrid-tale

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nonuggetshere · 3 months

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GOD I HAD AN IDEA AS I WAS FALLING ASLEEP TODAY

About FaaF naturally

A sad one, TW fir near child death and harm

Involves Xero's attempt at an assassination, or it could be literally just any guard controlled by the Radiance

PK and WL need to talk about something private, and WL looks at the tiny vessel tagging along by her wyrm's side

"Should it be here?"

"It wouldn't understand anything anyway."

"Still, it's...a little..."

He sighs lightly, "Yeah, I get where you're coming from... Vessel, come here."

He kneels down and orders them to sit by the door and wait for them while they talk, says he'll come pick them up once they're done and not to move, then the two go to talk on the balcony and close the door behind them

At some point, Xero/the guard bursts in and attacks PK in the middle of the conversation, managing to take them by surprise and so gets one good swing in before PK darts away and retaliates, pinning them down with soul blades, though he has to keep his wife from killing them on the spot - he doesn't want to be so hasty, knowing they're infected and not themself. He pulls out the sword from his chest and that's when they realise, it's covered in void...

Child harm/near death TW beyond this point

After a moment of shock White Lady, who's closest to the doors, runs out and all her husband can hear is a horrified, heartbroken scream. He feels nauseous, his stomach twisting into knots and feeling like his heart is in his throat as he runs out after her. He sees her in tears, cradling a tiny bundle soaked in void. There's- there's so much void. It covers the floor where he left their child vessel and soaks through his lady's shawl and clothes as she cradles them in her arms.

For a moment he's paralysed, before he just snaps. He flies back onto the balcony, screaming at the possessed guard that he'll kill her, he'll make her pay for this, and he slays them in his rage (something he'll regret and feel ashamed of later), still hitting and screaming at Her well after the possessed person is dead and she can't hear him anymore.

He collapses, panting, near tears, and just gets himself up and stumbles out the door and towards the two, he wants to see how bad it is for himself.

Flower survives, but just barely. They had multiple stab wounds and lost their left arm, if not for their parents immediately healing them they'd be dead. They're barely older than 5, still so very little and defenceless, PK is horrified at how could anyone hurt a baby this young and helpless (hypocrite), even if they're not alive.

They're still on bed rest because that was so much damage and their mother doesn't leave their side and their father only leaves when necessary. They still don't realise Flower's alive and they know they shouldn't be so attached but it still feels like their baby and they can't just leave them. WL spends the entire day by their side, gently stroking their hair and horns with her now permanently void stained hands and softly coos and sings to them

Of course, they quickly realise they ARE alive because no way in hell a toddler is getting this hurt and NOT crying and screaming the second they wake up <3

Which just makes this situation so much worse

#thylacines can talk #faaf au #mentions of child harm and near death in tags too btw #so dont read further if its something youre sensitive to or cant handle rn #i like to write him as more sympathetic in faaf but i cant state enough what a gigantic hypocrite he is #pk: How can you hurt a child?! they're FIVE!#child harm cw #radi: ...dude.#dont make your kid a child soldier but also you cant 'all fair's in war' your way out of stabbing a toddler radi #unrelated tangent but they both suck and god i need to focus some more on FaaF Radi. Ik this AU at times feels like sympathetic PK and evil #villain Radi AU but it's really not. They're both morally grey and while Radi is a bit more. questionable and less sympathetic imo. doesnt #mean shes completely evil. they're both meant to be morally grey and both did equally horrible irredeemable shit that they come to regret #and wish to fix. ik it doesnt come off this way at times because i have my things i prefer to write at times and this AU was always a #relationship dynamic exploration between Flower and all different characters. but neither PK nor WL are by no means forgiven. Most of their #kids range from ''i literally dont care about you you are not my parents dont contact me again'' to ''i hate your guts''#with sometimes an added flavour of ''And I WILL murder your ass if I see you again'' for some of them #(Razor my beutiful wife with unchecked anger issues <3)#sorry if the tags are incomprehensible it is 5 am and i instantly forget anything i write the second i cant read it fully #once i finish writing a tag and it collapses the contents of it instantly leave my short term memory. im not being dramatic btw the amount #of times i have to back out from editing tags to read them back bc i forgot what i wrote is annoying

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starscelly · 4 months

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your trademark is your cadence that all your posts and tags have. your textual voice. distinctive phrasing. your lil cel-isms. you'll pepper in an unforch and a shrimply and an inch resting. some punctuation for formatting. who needs your icon to know it's you?

ohhhh that is so fascinating achually…. i know i type like a freak but i don’t think i’ve ever processed that it was like. Distinct… i have shamelessly stolen at least a few of my “cel-isms” from ms tanya txstars tho i will openly admit ☝️☝️

#saw her saying shrimply like. a year ago and was like okay mine now #’ur trademark is exploring and playing with words like a toddler’ is how i’m choosing to read this #which is so funny i love it thank u #ask game

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extrasfromthevoid · 3 months

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Draxum's Accidental Child Acquisition (part 1/?)

@tmntbestsibscompetiton

Summary: How Milo (though that's not yet her name) found her way into the Hidden City and into the care of the one and only Baron Draxum

OR Draxum's adventures in parenting.

----

In an innermost back alley of New York City, there is a very bored girl.

The plain red ball she’d been given—or found, she doesn’t remember—is nice, but she’s running out of games she can play on her own with it and there’s no one around to play with her.

She picks up the ball once again as it rolls back to her feet from where she kicked it against the brick wall.

The city around her thrums with activity, but the late hour means that there’s no one around.

How did this lone child end up in the depths of New York City alone? Well, even she doesn’t know that. It doesn’t matter to her anyway as the sole thought at the forefront of her mind is that she is incredibly bored.

Her thoughts are interrupted by a curious flicker of light in the corner of her eye. Looking up, a curious orb of light zips over her head.

Mesmerized, the rubber ball drops from her hands as she reaches up for the light. It weaves gracefully through her fingers before darting away, its pale blue light pulsing cheerfully. Without hesitation, she chases after it, heedless of the rubber ball bouncing away behind her, quickly abandoned.

The orb zips around the corner into a nearby alley and—strangely—through the wall behind a dumpster. She—being two and a half by generous estimates—didn’t even notice as she crossed a threshold from the surface city, to the hidden one. — She loses sight of the fun orb pretty quickly, but new wonders catch her attention pretty quickly as what once seemed to her to be a quiet city now explodes with light, life, and color. The toddler twirls around with wide eyes, trying to take in as much of her new environment as possible.

And boy is it a change from before. The surface city was quiet in its own way, save for the sounds of traffic and the occasional dog. She didn’t know, but it was late enough that it was now early, and while the City That Never Sleeps certainly lives up to its name, its comparatively sleepy early morning state can’t hold a candle to the sensory explosion of the underground city.

Giggling, she starts to run down the streets, weaving between the fascinating people walking around. She’s never seen such a fun place before! People walk around with extra sets of arms, horns, tails, wings, and all manner of skin colors and textures, and so much more!

The air smells of hot, spiced food, carts zoom through the air, pulled by creatures she can’t identify. Everything around her hums with life and energy.

It's exciting!

She pushes past two people to reach a balcony over looking a glittering city that follows the curves of the cavern and shining with all the colors of the rainbow.

She stands on the base of the railing though her chin only barely makes it over the top.

“Uh...who’s kid is that…?”

“Dunno. Do you see any panicked parent-looking types around?”

“Nah. Should we bother doing something?”

“Eh…it’ll work itself out. Long as they don’t bug me…”

Heedless, the toddler steps away from the balcony’s railing and continues to wander deeper into this fascinating new environment. — Baron Draxum is all around having a fairly rotten day. The Council of Heads has once again dismissed his concerns about the human threat and Big Mama has once again refused to release Lou Jitsu into his custody. Nothing seems to be going Draxum’s way today and it has left him in a foul mood.

So he’s going to indulge in a little of his favorite vendor food to help soothe his fraying nerves.

Just as he’s about to partake, something thumps into his legs harshly enough for him to stumble, nearly dropping his delectable indulgence and with it, the last shreds of his sanity.

He whips around, teeth bared in a menacing sneer at whoever was foolish enough to run into him. “Watch where you—“

Draxum's rage stutters as his eyes turn down towards the culprit. Sprawled on their back at his hooves is a toddler with two messy buns and a pair of overalls. A human toddler. Draxum wrinkles his nose in disgust as the wretched spawn blinks up at him with wide, dark eyes.

Draxum reaches down and picks the toddler up by the back of their clothes. They weigh very little. “How did you get in here, spawn?” He asks.

To his surprise—and annoyance—the spawn doesn’t answer. Instead, it lets out a shrieking laugh as it dangles from Draxum’s hand, feet kicking out wildly in the open air. It seems to enjoy being held like this, strangely enough.

Curious, Draxum glances around the mulling crowd. Various yokai go about their business, casting occasional curious glances in the direction of him and the human spawn, but none seem eager to claim it for themselves. From where he stands, Draxum spies no other humans in the crowd, and certainly no one that looks frantic enough to have misplaced this little creature.

Did it wander in her all on its own somehow? Draxum wonders.

An idea percolates in Draxum’s mind as he takes a bite of his food, looking over the tiny giggling human in his grasp. Perhaps, this could be an opportunity. After all, how often would Draxum be able to examine and study human behaviors from the outset of their infancy?

And more importantly, shape them. If some disgusting human couldn’t be bothered to keep a better eye on their own spawn, then perhaps it was better off with Draxum anyway.

Curiously, the spawn seems unperturbed by neither Draxum’s appearance nor the general sight of the Hidden City. It continues reaching for Draxum with pudgy hands, repeating the syllable “ba” over and over.

Draxum hums, mind made up. He takes a bite of his treat and then tucks the still giggling human-ling under his arm and walks off in the direction of his home and lab.

Perhaps if he’s lucky, this creature will become an excellent soldier. And wouldn’t it be ironic if the one to lead Draxum’s army to take back the surface world from those disgusting humans was human themself? He smiles a little at the thought. Yes, this may work out nicely.

——— As it turns out, raising a human spawn is harder than Draxum thought. Namely, the specimen—that Draxum has taken to simply calling Spawn—is the most disagreeable and stubborn creature humanity has ever produced. He has determined that Spawn is approximately two and a half years old and biologically of the female variety, but that is about all he was able to discern as Spawn refused to stay still for any further examination and forced Draxum to chase her through the lab, giggling the whole way as if they were playing a game. She may not be very fast on those unsteady legs of hers, but the clutter in Draxum’s lab makes catching her a chore whenever she darts through openings Draxum can’t pass through. Especially since the little creature seems to find Draxum’s frustration with her antics highly amusing.

On top of this, the Spawn refuses to stay in her containment cell during rest hours, either wailing until Draxum comes to quiet her or breaking out herself. Most often the latter.

Spawn spends most of the night crying. Draxum has stayed to observe Spawn as she sleeps to see what exactly causes her such violent distress. So far, he has observed no external stimulus that could be responsible for Spawn’s late night outbursts. His best hypothesis from his observations is that Spawn suffers from nightmares and seeks comfort from him in their aftermath.

Further complicating matters, Spawn is not at point in her development where she is capable of workable speech. The most she is capable of is repeatedly shouting “ba” at him and babbling incoherently as she tries to mimic what Draxum says himself.

Draxum sighs heavily, holding the squirming, giggly human ahead of him from under her arms. “It seems teaching you to speak will have to be our first priority,” he says.

“Prabababe,” she echoes, lightly slapping her hand against Draxum's wrist with her meager baby strength for emphasis.

“That’s right, little Spawn. Priority,” he says, repeating the proper pronunciation of the word the child is mimicking.

“Prabababe!” She cheers loudly.

He sets her down and pats her on her head as he turns to look for a notepad. He’ll have to make a trip to the library and start putting together a lesson plan. Perhaps he should pick up some books on child-rearing while he’s there. Raising a human spawn can’t be much different than raising a young yokai, right? Not that Draxum has experience with either, however.

And then suddenly, there's a cacophonous crash behind him, followed by the piercing sound of crying.

Draxum whips around so fast that his neck muscles cramp painfully. Spawn sits amid a pile of toppled weapons, a rather nasty cut on her right forearm, likely from a wayward blade. Tears leak from her face at an impressive rate as blood wells in the wound and dribbles down her arm, splattering across the floor and soaking into her clothes.

“Ah nuts!” He shouts, diving for the sobbing child.

She curls in on herself, pulling her injured arm close to her chest, further staining her outfit with the blood seeping from the wound, and burying her face into Draxum’s kimono as she wails. Draxum shudders involuntarily as he feels Spawn’s face fluids soak into his clothes.

“Spawn, cease this and let me inspect your injury,” he orders, prying her arm out so he can examine it.

The bad news is that it’s a fairly deep wound. The good news is that it’s also a clean one. While it speaks to the quality of the blade that caused it, it’s deep enough that this will doubtlessly require stitches.

Looks like I’ll need to put those somewhere she can’t reach, Draxum thinks as he digs through a drawer for his medical kit. A little difficult with a child in his arm, but not impossible.

He finds it tucked all the way in the back, of course. Regardless, Draxum retrieves the supplies and sets to work, all while cursing his past self for leaving him so ill-prepared.

Spawn continues to squirm and wail and cry, but Draxum doesn’t let her yank her injured arm away as he expertly stitches the long wound on her forearm closed and wraps it securely with sterile bandages. Fortunately, once Draxum completes the stitches, Spawn’s squirming lessens and her cries quiet down to blissful silence, though one punctuated by an occasional hiccuping sob. Still, it's a great deal better than the shrill wailing Spawn had committed herself to just moments ago.

His work completed and his subject thoroughly exhausted from her emotional display, Draxum sits back in his chair, staring indifferently at the mess of bandages and cleansing solution strewn over his lab table. As if sensing the opening in Draxum's defenses, Spawn wastes no time scooting herself off of the table and plopping gracelessly into Draxum’s lap.

“Hey!” He exclaims indignantly.

Predictably, the little creature pays no heed to Draxum’s protests as she curls up against his chest, gripping his robes with her tiny hands and tucking her wounded arm carefully against her own chest. And she soon falls asleep.

Draxum sighs lightly. “At least she’s finally quiet…” — Draxum swiftly returns a thoroughly exhausted Spawn to her containment cell. Detangling her is a bit of a challenge as her tiny hands are deceptively strong and grip his robes so tightly he’d momentarily feared they’d rip as he dislodged her. Tear tracks dry on her cheeks as she dozes against the pillows, the bandages covering her injury standing out starkly against the dark bedding. Even through the bandages, a faint light shines through, tracing the length of the injury.

The wound has a mystic quality to it that, Draxum concludes. He finds it odd, seeing as the chances of this random human toddler having mystic potential it laughably small. Most likely, that mystic quality came from whatever Spawn cut herself on.

“Still,” he muses quietly to himself. “It may be worth a look. Just in case.”

Packing away his medical supplies, Draxum turns his attention back to the pile of weapons he will need to find a new home for. Preferably out of a certain nosy—and fragile—human’s reach.

Over the course of his long life, Draxum has become steward of many interesting mystic weapons. Some owners return for their stowed weapons, but many never do for one reason or another. Usually it’s because they no longer need it or forget about it, but some are items of terrible power that are better off tucked away and hopefully forgotten by the inevitable march of time. Draxum can only hope that Spawn didn’t cut herself on one such weapon.

Finding the weapon doesn’t take long, as it’s the only one in the pile with bright red blood glistening along its edge.

“Hm. The odachi…,” Draxum muses, picking up the sword in one hand and reaching for the rag with another. “Not the worst possible outcome.”

He’ll have to keep an eye on Spawn for any adverse effects. The blade of this particular odachi is capable of cutting the fabric of space just as easily as it cuts flesh. Draxum can’t rightly say what might happen in this case, if anything at all. It’s doubtful--though not impossible under the right circumstances--that Spawn will gain powers like the odachi’s or lose parts of herself suddenly, but Draxum admittedly hasn’t cleaned the blade in some time, so it is a much greater possibility that Spawn could contract an infection rather than powers.

He’ll have to monitor the wound carefully as it heals. Both for infection and any...peculiarities.

Draxum wipes the blade clean and sets about gathering the weapons around his lab. He rather quickly finds himself eyeing the loose, breakable beakers of caustic chemicals littering the surfaces within reach for the heedless spawn now in his care.

Part of him now regrets his impulsive decision to take in such a small, fragile creature, but…hopefully the results will be worth the present headache.

(Next)

#void's writing #rottmnt oc: milo hamato #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #teenage mutant ninja turtles #writing these had been really fun bc i am inflicting a literal toddler on draxum that fears neither man nor god #he strikes me as the kind of parent that would speak to an infant like he would an adult (which will be helpful as she learns how to speak)#draxum now has to figure out how to baby proof his lab lmao #I'm be posting one of these a day. right now we're in the 'prologue' territory #but i might skip around a bit when we hit the actual episodes as most aren't written yet :) (which is why im not posting these on ao3 yet)#yes. the odachi spawn cut herself on is THAT odachi that leo picks up fifteen years later #and yes. she gets a fun power from it :)#im interpreting the mystic weapons we see in the series as semi-sentient and in this instance; spawn accidentally formed a pact w the odach #what's the pact? uh...something to do w curiosity and exploration. spawn doesnt think in words so much as images and feelings

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charliespringverse · 9 months

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iwbft — thursday: a brief summary of my annotations

all highlighted quotes: 135

· ouch/ow/owie: 7

· real/felt/relatable/so true: 0

· aroace: 0

· ☹/☹☹/☹☹☹: 3

I like knowing that I've been there since the beginning. — lol hipster... me w BiT tho

I can't stop myself laughing, trapped under the cape, and I catch a glimpse of Lister grinning at me, a soft smile, one that reminds me of years ago, back when this was all new and exciting and fun, back when we really were children. — god i love this bit . it is so gentle and tender

People are coming up with some hilarious explanations for the Jowan photo and the Rowan/Bliss reveal, such as it's a ploy by their management, out to stir up some extra publicity to keep attention on The Ark [...] — devastating phrasing for rpf shippers everywhere

it didn't destroy me in the way I thought it would when the news eventually came that Jowan, love itself, wasn't real.. Maybe I sort of knew it was a lie all along. — 10 points for recognising that rpf ships aren't real, -2 for the nihilistic depressive worldview . get therapy x

Unpleasant phone call? Yesterday morning? I heard nothing about that. — well u definitely heard Hints but i'll let u off due to the autism x

Playing our songs when the entire audience is empty is always a laugh, because we're just playing for ourselves, and we can deliberately get stuff wrong and play games like Lister trying to get us out of time and Rowan adding in harmonies where there aren't normally and me changing the lyrics of our most famous songs. — i'd die for them fr LET THESE BOYS HAVE FUN MORE OFTEN

every time the laughing stops his expression drops and he looks like he's about to cry. — me when i leave my friend's house & the mental illness comes back

He just leans in and kisses me. My stomach lurches. Not because I'm excited, but because I'm shocked and I'm getting flashbacks of the last time I did this. Never my idea, is it? I want to, I want to kiss a boy in some dramatic way but I don't too, not when it doesn't feel right. — ☹ bad parallel

You think you've got it all sorted but you don't! You're just the same as me. You're both just as bad as I am. — ,,,,, he's not far wrong tbf

'You don't have to... like me back,' he says, and his voice breaks but I can't tell whether he's laughing or trying not to cry. 'But please don't hate me.' — AGONY (note: this is written in huge letters)

I thought the three of us would be friends forever. I can't deal with these unsaid feelings. I don't want to know about them. I don't want to think about them. — kick me in the cooch it'd hurt less

'Everything's bad.' 'Nothing bad is going to happen to you.' But it feels like it is. 'I am not afraid,' says Rowan softly. 'Remember?' — KILL ME OFF (note: this is written in huge letters)

I'm gone, I'm already gone, I'm up above the three of us and gazing down at the three bodies and wondering who on Earth decided that these three pathetically flawed human beings deserved so much worship. — i wanna write an essay on depersonalisation in jimmy's narration

Jimmy's smile is so wide - a youthful, dreamlike grin - as he gazes over the crowd — to the tune of the maybelline jingle: maybe it's a youthful dreamlike grin, maybe it's dissociation

There is something inexplicable tying them together. — it's trauma

Most fans would defend them until their last breath, form an army to keep them from harm or discomfort. — can't speak to how deliberate this was but . army in the bts sense is a fun connection

I didn't get to meet The Ark. I didn't get to tell them anything. — give it a day luv x

I am dragged into the flood. — BORN TO SURVIVE THE STORM BORN TO SURVIVE THE FLOOD

He doesn't look like himself without the airy smile that I always see in the photos and videos. — false! he looks more like himself then you've ever seen!

Of course he looks impossibly beautiful too. I desperately want to hold him. — NOT THE TIME

He's afraid of me. Me. Me. The human embodiment of a caterpillar. — something something self perception vs other ppl's perception, parallels the fandom vs celebrity experience something something

His eyes are wide and fearful. The beauty that I'd admired there has gone. — he's becoming real...

It just makes me feel like I'm really here. Holding this piece of me in my hand. — depersonalisation & grounding .......

God, I want to hug him. I want to hold him and let him cry gently into my shoulder. — not the time for a wattpad self-insert y/n imagine queen

I just stop registering what's happening around me. It's not really happening to me. It's all just happening to this body that people call Jimmy Kaga-Ricci. — depersonalisation!!!!!

It's funny because it's true. — TORI?

'I'm not in here any more,' I say, pointing at my chest. 'This is all happening to someone else.' 'Are you... okay?' I laugh at him again. — depersonalisation (note: this is in big letters and double underlined)

I'm sure that when The Ark arrive, I'll feel happy. I know that when The Ark arrive, I will feel happy. — ow . it's almost like relying on external factors to fix ur mental health is like a plaster on a bullet hole

I'm sure that when we start playing, I'll feel happy. — they're so nsync

Why do I feel like he's died when he's right there in front of me? — because you loved a fantasy and now reality has kicked in amen

I just turn back and stare up at them, waiting, praying for something good to happen, something good to make me feel okay again, just as it always has until today. But I don't feel anything. — yeah yeah the emotional void we all know it

— future college/uni essay idea: religion vs fandom with a specific focus on the osemanverse/hstv fandom w iwbft & rs as backup

#posting this at 4am friday bc i was toddler sitting all afternoon and then Wiped Tf Out w a pain & fatigue wave all evening #but heyyyy to those of u that check the tag like the morning paper #iwbftreread #side note i should've added a counter for how many bastard times i reference depersonalisation #a job for a future reread i think #also that final one isn't tied to a specific quote i just find it interesting . bc the way the exact fandom toxicity alice has been —#— exploring in their work for years has started playing out in (some parts) of the hs fandom is so interesting to me #also infuriating . but also i find the most interesting things tend to also be a fair bit infuriating

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