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sugar-phoenix · 4 months

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vampire x poisoned werewolf

wrote a short one-shot about a male vampire who has to deal with his nemesis, a female werewolf who is poisoned, just to get myself out of a rut. enjoy!

tags: werewolf x vampire, fxm, extreme slow burn, literally nothing remotely romantic really happens, poison, bites, enemies to lovers, archenemies to lovers, unspoken truces, forced proximity to save the other

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dividers by cafekitsune

The vampire heard a knock at his door.

“Coming, coming,” he called. “I thought most humans weren't awake at this hour,” he muttered to himself.

He unlatched the door, and it flew open, the full weight of a werewolf behind it. She collapsed onto the ground.

“Wh-What? What are you doing here?” he hissed. The vampire, although filled with a mixture of shock and hatred at the sight of his nemesis, sensed something was wrong. He closed the door shut behind her.

“I’d like to know what possessed you at this hour of the night to come crashing on my door.”

The werewolf made a guttural growl. Or was that a groan? She raised her face at him, and he could see that she was foaming at the mouth.

“Oh great, you’ve brought your filthy canine diseases in with you. This had better be good.”

Slowly, pained, the werewolf morphed from her animal form to her human form. The mass of her wolfishness returned to her hair, and in the end she laid on his stone floor, a naked woman, almost entirely covered in strands of long black hair. He started, averting his eyes.

“Good God, woman, what has gotten into you? I sincerely hope this is not some sort of inane confession or attempt to seduce me.”

Something inside the vampire felt as though he wouldn’t entirely hate the werewolf if this were to be true. He quashed that part of him away and hoped it never reared its ugly head again.

“Poison,” she grunted.

He whirled back towards her, then turned his head again when he realized she was in a state of undress. “Poison? What kind?”

“Drink,” she managed to cough out. “Need. Medicine.”

“I can’t help you if you don’t know what kind of poison it is,” he said.

The werewolf-woman growled. “I don’t know.”

The vampire sighed. “Well, then I’ll have to try and deduce what kind of poison you have from your symptoms. Which would require me to inspect you, as improper as you are at the moment.”

“Don’t care.”

Well all right then, he thought, turning towards the werewolf. He never thought in his wildest dreams that there would come a night like this. Although he supposed his notorious expertise at poisons and such was necessary in this situation.

To describe the two as ones who didn’t get along would be an understatement. In fact, they had often dealt each other severe wounds in fights over clan disputes. Vampires versus werewolves, it was only as natural as cats versus dogs.

Then again, the vampire had often seen cats and dogs managing to get along well with each other and even become friends. Another thought to quash.

“Alright, foaming at the mouth,” he started crouching down towards the werewolf. She growled at him, and he hissed back.

“If you want me to help, I’ll have to get close to you. Close enough to make the both of us extremely uncomfortable, but I was of the impression you wanted to live.” At his words, the woman rolled her eyes, turning her head away. The vampire took that as a sign that she was willing to comply.

He touched the skin at her neck. She jolted and became tense, but otherwise let him continue.

“Hot at the neck, excessive sweating,” he continued, counting the symptoms to himself.

Crap, he thought to himself. These symptoms are all generic. The options of poisons are too varied for me to narrow down what she has.

I wish I was poisoned. With my expertise in recognizing poisons, I’d know what this was.

It was then that an idea struck the vampire. A terrible, but necessary idea.

“I just want to let you know that what I’m about to do is entirely necessary for the sake of your survival. Also that I’m not trying to kill you,” the vampire said. The werewolf turned towards him, giving him a skeptical look.

“Do you want me to try and save you or not?” The vampire asked. The werewolf glared at him.

“Just do it,” she muttered.

The vampire took in a deep breath. “Alright then.”

He sat down next to her, leaning over her. She looked at him, confused.

Her eyes widened when she realized what he was about to do, but by then it was too late. He had sunk his teeth into her neck. She tried to thrash around, but the poison had weakened her significantly, and the most she could do was wiggle around.

It wasn’t long before he pulled himself away from her neck, and got up, rushing to his cabinet of herbs. She laid there on the floor, feeling a thin stream of blood slowly dribble down her neck from his bite. Werewolves were immune to vampiric bites and the curse that followed them, as they had a curse themselves, which meant the two canceled each other out.

Now that he felt the poison coursing through his own, the vampire quickly identified, it, coming up with a simple yet effective antidote comprised of a few ingredients. He rushed back to the werewolf with a mixture, tipping down her throat.

She gagged, but swallowed it down.

Within minutes, she felt significantly better, her strength and health regaining. The werewolf sat up, her hair cascading down the front of her body, and looked at the vampire. He was leaning against a nearby table, setting down a small cup, no doubt filled with his own antidote.

“Thank you,” she said.

“No problem. Now, please, leave before anyone finds out about this.”

She got up, transforming back into her animal form, and left through the door.

He sighed a breath of relief, and batted away the unbidden thoughts in his mind.

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#writeblr #writing #writing community #✎ . writings #♠ . oneshots #werewolf x vampire #werewolf #vampire #enemies to lovers #vampire fiction #werewolf fiction #vampire x werewolf

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weirdlookindog · 19 days

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The Werewolf Versus the Vampire Woman (La noche de Walpurgis, 1971)

#la noche de walpurgis #the werewolf versus the vampire woman #paul naschy #gaby fuchs #patty shepard #barbara capell #1970s horror #1970s movies #1971 #león klimovsky #horror #waldemar daninsky #vintage movie ads

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archoniluthradanar · 10 months

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On meeting a Vampire - Chapter One

On meeting a Vampire : an Aro Volturi short story

PART ONE

This fiction will be a short story of no more than 2 chapters about an unexpected meeting between a strange young woman and an ancient vampire. Aro del Volturi is lost in some unnamed forest, left behind by his coven during a battle. He manages to reach a small cottage inhabited by a young woman who lives alone there. She's finds the man is not quite normal. On the other hand. Aro finds his savior to be somewhat odd herself.

I was going to make this a one-shot but it got too long for that, yet too short to be considered a long fic.

Chapter One

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Although his assailant was dead, Aro di Volturi's immortal body was filled with pain only because his attacker had been a werewolf. When it came to vampire versus werewolf, this fight ended in success for the vampire, but not without it's sacrifices. Aro was now alone in the forest, wherever this place was. His fellow coven members had left him behind, chased off by one of the few enemies that could defeat vampires. They would come back for him once they had lost the pack, but he needed immediate help.

Caius had insisted the werewolves must be hunted down to extinction. They were powerful, but disorganized. Still, he had nearly been destroyed by one some time ago, and his fear of them made them an enemy that had to be eradicated. The coven had destroyed many of the werewolves, but one had targeted Aro when he was alone. He fought against the hairy beast, who used bared teeth and sharp claws to take down Aro. His cries of pain echoed in the forest, but he didn't give up on his attack, until the beast fell to the ground, its blood flowing into the dirt.

Struggling to remain standing, Aro finally managed to limp his way through the trees and brush. The darkness did not impede him, having vampire vision, but his usual speed was not there for him. He continued this way for nearly an hour. His acute hearing picked up only the distant rumblings of thunder, nearby animal sounds, and the rippling of a creek not far away. Then he heard a heartbeat, human and most likely female by the rapidity of it. Aro headed in the direction of the heartbeat to find a small wooden cottage sitting in a clearing surrounded by trees.

He noticed smoke coming from a stone chimney, so obviously the occupant was there. Why would a woman be living alone in this desolate place. Perhaps her mate was out hunting. Perhaps she was a widow due to some obscure human war. Aro truly didn't care. He needed her aid whoever she was, and perhaps her blood as well if he were recover more quickly.

Aro made it to the door and knocked. He leaned against the door jamb, wanting nothing more than to lie down and mend himself. Cracks had appeared on his face and neck, and they seemed slow to heal. One hand had been torn off at the wrist. He managed to save it with a laving of venom over the breaks. He hid the damaged limb within his black cloak. There were deep bites on his legs that were causing him a great deal of pain. Aro knew they would take days to heal. He knew he would need to rest if that were to happen.

The door opened to reveal a young woman with long red-brown hair that was pulled up in a loose bun. Her blue eyes took in the appearance of the man at her door. She looked him over, seeing torn pants and bloodless wounds on his legs. He was holding onto his arm as if it was inured as well. She started to reach out her hands to help him, but quickly pulled back.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean you any harm, but I am injured. I need help..." Aro nearly fell to his knees, but he knew if he fell, she alone would not have the strength to pick him up. Unsure what language she spoke, Aro didn't know if she even understood him. He spoke many languages, so if she would just say something, he would be able to recognize her native tongue and communicate with her.

Don'ea watched the man before her, obviously having trouble standing. She didn't want to let him in, but she could not let him remain outside. The air smelled of ozone. She had heard the thunder getting closer, and it was likely a storm was approaching,

Giving the man a weak smile, she slipped her arm beneath his, trying to support him as he stumbled inside. She led him to the bed that sat in the far corner of the large room and helped him to sit down. She mimed for him to take off his cloak. Going back to the door, she hung the black cloak on a peg in the wall next to the entrance, which was now barred with a wooden arm that crossed the entire width of the door.

She threw another log into the fireplace, and went back to help the man. His coat had to be removed, Don'ea feeling it was too binding. She knelt down and removed his shoes, which were wet with something sticky and covered in dirt, so she slid them under the bed until she could clean them. She slid out a round metal bowl from under the bed, showing it to Aro. She tried to mime its use, but was sure he understood when he smiled and shook his head. She then stood to find another blanket in a small wardrobe that was next to the bed.

Aro lay back, groaning in pain. He closed his eyes, one hand flung over his forehead. Never had he felt so incapacitated in all his existence, at least not since his transformation. Where was the rest of the coven. Surely Demetri would be tracking him by now, unless... Aro dared not think of the possibility the werewolves had destroyed his people. If that were the case, no help would be arriving and he would be on his own.

Don'ea was finally able to observe the stranger's appearance. He was the most attractive man she had ever seen in this place. She inhaled some pleasant sort of scent exuding from his body. But what had intrigued her more was the colour of his eyes. They were a deep red. In her time here in this forest, she had never seen anyone with red eyes. Brown, green, blue, but never red.

She pointed to the the other corner of the room where a clay oven sat. Nearby was a table with crockery and knives. Eating utensils, cups and plates sat on a shelf that was secured into the wall above the table.

She filled a glass from a clay pitcher with cool water and offered it to Aro, who shook his head. He tried to smile his thanks, but pain forced his expression to change to one of discomfort. Every bite throbbed. His hand still was not secure enough to use. It would take time for the venom to bind the torn parts together.

Aro lay perfectly still as he now gazed at the woman assisting him with such diligence. He had lucked out in finding her here. But with what end.

Don'ea reached down to place her hand on his forehead. He had no fever. In fact, his skin was dry and cold as snow. She lay the blanket over Aro, covering him carefully. Then she returned to the oven where a pot of soup sat atop the fire-fed heat. She slowly stirred it, eager to sit and eat her supper. She had made plenty, so if her guest was hungry, she could feed him. The hot soup might help him warm up.

Aro was watching the woman surreptitiously. For a human, she was quite lovely. But he found it odd that she had not uttered a word since his arrival. And the scent he had breathed in while she was helping him get comfortable was unlike any he had ever smelled. Not unpleasant, just different.

"My name is Aro. I am from Volterra in Italy. I am here with my people, but we were separated and I was...attacked. To whom do I owe my thanks for offering me sanctuary?"

The woman turned at Aro's words, her blue eyes filled with expression, even if she said nothing.

Don'ea had gone to fill a bowl with some of the hot soup, again offering it to Aro. And again, he shook his head. Perhaps he was just not thirsty or hungry due to the pain he was suffering.

Aro lay back, unable to do anything else. He watched while the woman ate her meal, knowing she might end up becoming his meal if the coven did not find him soon. He hated to thank her for her aid by killing her, but there might be no help for it.

Lightning lit up the darkness outside through the few windows of the cottage. The thunder had grown so strong, it sometimes shook the small house as it sent sonic booms into the air.

Don'ea went to unlatch the door. Opening it, she peered out to observe the downpour that had finally arrived. She worried that this man's people would be stuck out in the deluge. What she didn't want was for his attackers to sniff after his scent and end up here.

She closed and latched the door, then went to wash her soup bowl. She kept the flame under the pot low, in case her guest grew hungry later. She might want more herself, but preferred to help her guest for now.

Don'ea went to the bed and pulling up the blanket away from Aro's legs, she wordlessly examined his wounds. She pulled at the torn pieces of cloth which were also damp with something sticky-wet, like his shoes. She carefully touched his legs. The wounds were oddly bloodless, the flesh not appearing torn like a bite, but broken like crockery that had been dropped in a way as to not shatter the piece, but leave it intact with smooth-edged cracks. Obviously bite marks confirmed his story. She still wanted to know why his flesh was so cold.

Laying the blanket back over his legs, she sat next to Aro, her hand resting on his. She watched him for any reactions or unspoken needs he might have. He seemed to be resting, his eyes closed once more. While he was in repose, she studied his thoughts. She smiled in amusement. It was a jumbled mess of centuries of history, his and that of others. This man, if he were a man, needed her help, and to learn from him, she would offer it freely.

Don'ea was about to rise to get another bowl of soup, when she felt a hand grab her wrist in its vise-like grip, pulling her down. She watched as Aro held onto her, his irises having darkened to black, with an expression that might have terrified her.

Aro, in his hunger, drew the silent woman to him. She never uttered a sound, not even in fear. A mute. She must be a mute and unable to speak. Aro bared his razor-sharp teeth and swiftly bit down on her neck. He felt the heated blood flow into his mouth. Instantly, he spat out the fluid. Wiping his hand over his mouth, he drew it back and saw a purple smear.

"What is this?" His stomach suddenly twisted as he retched. "What have you done to me?"

A/N : Aro has never found blood he didn't like. Until now. So who is this strange woman Aro has fallen in with?

#the volturi #volturi fanfiction #aro volturi #Aro/OC #werewolf attacked Aro

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70s-pop-80s · 2 years

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The Werewolf Versus the Vampire Woman (1971)

#horror movie posters #horror art

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mermaidsirennikita · 1 year

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IAD Hero Power Rankings: Part Eleventy

Finished Shadow's Claim, which is the first ~Dacian book. Much high fantasy with vampires and demons, lots of fighting to the death, and a super hot hero who did the classic "here, it's a bag of heads" move, which was great but did not, unfortunately, win him the top spot.

Lothaire, the Enemy of Old, vampire, Lothaire

Pros:

–well you can’t say he isn’t goal-oriented

–takes kids trick or treating

–does not support rape or child murder; and he actually likes dogs a lot!

–“ELIZABETH. WITH MY COMPLIMENTS. YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR CLAWS INTO ANOTHER ONE OF MINE. ROT IN HELL. L.” he says as he tries to make a point when sending her his Heart in a Box ™, failing to make that point because it’s clear that he’s just sitting in his murder castle listening to teardrops on my guitar on repeat

–listen between the tittyfucking and the “let me drink my heroine’s virgin’s blood after I very literally pop her cherry” moment, you can’t call him boring

–actually hilarious, basically just a very scary vampire with a to-do list punting decapitated heads around like they’re soccer balls

–just did some shifter beheadings!!! it not like he goes around cockslapping gnomes!!!!

–loves a couch sex moment

Cons:

–does support murdering everyone else if need be, casting out innocent souls to achieve his aims, unleashing untold evil, trench coats, biting unwilling people and being like “look if it gets weird go with it”

–clinically insane

–will forget someone he was talking to like half an hour ago because he’s lost all concept of time and space, will talk to himself during sex to be like “DON’T KILL HER @ me!!!”

–Ellie spends like 30% of this book covered in his semen, to the point that she literally just goes to sleep in it in order to piss the demon inhabiting her body off

–I thought he couldn’t sleep because of his madness but when you get to his POV he’s like “MY DICK IS TOO HARD FOR ME TO SLEEP”

–watches everyone have sex, which, considering this series, is a lot of people. I don’t even think it’s sexual it’s just his shit

–his only friend is a teenage quarterback, but then again, that QB is Thad and Thad is God

–put the Valkyrie queen underwater to drown eternally and forgot where she was lmao (this came out before The Old Guard…..)

–was into “juvenile skullfucking”

2. Garreth MacRieve, werewolf, Pleasure of a Dark Prince

Pros:

–invented “werewolf versus demon” basketball because he was SADS

–smells Lucia masturbating and is like WAIT WAIT WAIT I CAN FIX THAT

–gets Lucia off through prison bars…. a determined man

–engages in a Road Runner/Wile E. Coyote dynamic with his heroine for a YEAR where he’s just chasing her around the globe while she crushes him with trucks and shit… he sees it as foreplay

–is actually truly the most woke werewolf hero; rightly points out to Lucia that she’s not exaaaactly being chaaaaste when he’s tearing that shit up every night even if there’s no penetration; keeps himself from going full moon crazy with magic in order to keep Lucia from being pressured into sex with him, and even when that magic breaks super holds back until she makes a conscious decision; does not do the Ritual Doggy Style Full Moon thing because he wants to look into her eeeeeeyes and ground her and even puts her on top, a KING

–catches a special new butterfly for her and names it after her leave me alone I’m crying

–“lass, I’m about to make you a widow” …. this shit works every time

–even a GOD can’t make him hurt Lucia

Cons:

–does not believe that women should have jobs after they find their werewolf soulmates, but to be fair, he is completely right, why the hell would I work if I had a rich werewolf soulmate who hunts big game for me and does all the cooking and cleaning and work and shit

–is honestly big stupid about plunging into danger

–is honestly big stupid about a lot of things… plan for keeping his woman from pursuing her immortal mission was “I’ll just fuck her until she passes out and then I’ll go do big mission for her”, admirable but not flaw-free logic

–was gonna help Lachlain steal a baby

–BIG “dumb younger brother” energy

–“we’re werewolves we’re very curious and always have to solve mysteries” lmao okay Scooby Doo

3. Rydstrom Woede, demon (king), Kiss of a Demon King

Pros:

–called Sabine a “good girl” even when she’s actually being a bad girl

–is explicitly a dom

–the first time he smiles is after she flips him off

–is into spanking

–takes Sabine to a bar and everyone leaves the bar because she’s evil and he’s all “awwww baby I don’t understand why they don’t like you :(” when she’s committed, like, war crimes… down ridiculous…

–his big comeback to his enemy is like “lmao well I’m about to make your girl’s eyes roll back in her head SOOOOOOO EAT IT CUCK”

–has two elaborate fantasies in this novel: a) suspending Sabine from the ceiling and edging her until he lets her grind against his face B) watching Sabine cuddle their cute baby. The duality of demon king

Cons:

–I mean I guess he did some pretttttyyyyy dubious shit to Sabine, but only after she did them to him

–met a woman and became her friend and talked to her for days and literally didn’t remember fucking her once until she reminded him…. I thought it was funny

–that time he went at Sabine’s tits for so long that the next day she was all “THEY HURT SO BAD” so I assume he was like a newborn baby or something

–“I don’t have any fetishes!!!!” has every fetish known to man

–was so down ridiculous that he went to try and kill himself to save her… this is a pro… but I’m gonna pretend it’s a con

–is pretty hard on Cade who was just trying!!! his!!! best!!!!!!!!!! but again this is only mildly a con because his disappointed dad thing is hot

4. Conrad Wroth, vampire, Dark Needs at Night’s Edge

Pros:

–exceedingly good at removing obstacles between him and what he wants

–a virgin and SUPER embarrassed about it in a way that is INCREDIBLY precious (when he finally fucked this woman and went “So I was good?” I almost fucking wept)

–murder puppy only wants death and blood (until he discovers………… other things)

–a natural born dirty talker

–BABY BOY…. BABY BOY…./EVIL

Cons:

–has erectile dysfunction for a significant part of his book, he gets better but I was so sad for him

–I mean, is fully insane and wants to murder his entire family, but nobody’s perfect and Nikolai kinda deserves it

–wears sunglasses indoors

–got aroused while buying underwear for her and had to limp home

–made Bowen MacRrieve sad and that makes me really upset because I love Bowen MacRieve

5. Bowen MacRieve, werewolf, Wicked Deeds on a Winter’s Night

Pros:

–is a werewolf general

–was celibate for 1200 years after his lover got so scared of his wolf form that she gored herself on a tree stump (lmao)

–spent those 1200 years trying to bring her back to life

–great at catching and preparing seafood

–breeding kink (wants to put all the bairns in Mariketa)

–kinda into bondage…?

–gets hard at the thought of Mariketa’s carnage, even when he is the carnage

–update pro: gets sent to a party by himself so that Mariketa can run an errand and just sits there confused and miserable at the bar by himself waiting for her to show up even though he knows people there; I imagine this is much like that SNL skit about a dog park for boyfriends, where the shy boyfriend hides under a picnic table

Cons:

–kind of a fuckboy (will say his dead lover’s name when he comes, ONE TIME, but “Mariketa” and “Mariah” begin similarly so)

–doesn’t like it when Mariketa chant incantations into her mirror because it creeps him out

–breeding kink (casually tries to get her to stop taking birth control)

–makes fun of Mariketa’s vibrator, even if I found that actually hilarious

6. Lachlain MacRieve, werewolf, A Hunger Like No Other

Pros:

–chewed his own leg off to get to Emma, pinned her to the ground in broad daylight, and inhaled her neck like a fucking FREAK

–actually pretty good at being the werewolf king (saves Bowen from his own stupidity multiple times, much daddy, very authoritative)

–saw Emma kill her own dad and basically swooned

–is absolutely down to get his blood sucked… through his penis (I believe he says that’s the only way he’ll accept BJs now…?)

–gets by on missing 150 years of progression purely on intimidation, which I personally find deeply sexy

Cons:

–I mean yes Lachlain is one of the rape-iest IAD heroes even if most of that was werewolf instinct and burning alive for 150 years

–doesn’t know how to use an iPod

–but will max out your credit cards

–a werewolf supremacist (is this a bad thing…?)

–says “Kiss me like you want to live” which I guess I should put as a con because it’s non-consensual but whatever I was dow–

7. Murdoch Wroth, vampire, Untouchable

Pros:

—just extremely determined… his heroine can’t bear skin to skin contact? He’s gonna use an icicle as a dildo. He fucked up so bad she fled to an ice kingdom? Well, he’s gonna fucking find her

–probably the closest IaD gets to a himbo… HE WAS MORE THAN A RAKE, DAMMIT!!! HE DIED IN A WAR!!!!!!!

–I don’t think y'all get how impressive it is that he consistently hit the clit through a blanket AND fucked her to orgasm with an icicle for like a year

–is actually a very good brother

–finds out his woman maybe married another guy and goes “she’s going to be a widow” I love mess

Cons:

–I mean does bitch a lot about how sexually frustrated he is but his heroine is an ice princess who can’t stand skin to skin contact without extreme pain so……………………… I do get it blue balls kill

–will masturbate to the thought of you in the shower while you’re unconscious six feet away covered in arrow wounds… if that’s something you’re not into…

–has confidence issues because the Wroth brothers are rattled off like Nikolai: the leader! Sebastian: the brain! Conrad: the mysterious babe! Murdoch: … the slut?

(do love that the Wroth bros are the Charlie’s Angels of this series)

–bit Dani without her consent blah blah blah

8. Cadeon Woede/“Cade the Kingmaker”, demon, Dark Desires After Dusk

Pros:

–extremely loyal to his brother (which I found cute)

–orders ahead to get pre-packaged food for Holly to accommodate her OCD, while helping her Walk on the Wild Side

–was the first guy to 69 with his heroine in this series

–stalked Holly for like a year (stalking is love)

–gets adorably tongue-tied around her, but not in a lame way

Cons:

–lied to Holly for like… that entire book lmao (even though it was fun)

–is called the Womb Raider for a reason, apparently (a little tooooo potent)

–sort of fucks with Holly’s birth control, in the sense that he made sure she was super fertile, but to be fair Holly did not… actually… take birth control

–threw out Holly’s OCD meds, though I chalk this up to the year the book was published

–just sort of drove around giving Holly head for WEEKS while Rydstrom was getting sexually tortured, so like…. maybe doesn’t have GREAT priorities…. maybe has the best priorities… Rydstrom was fine…

9. Nikolai Wroth, vampire, The Warlord Wants Forever

Pros:

–deeply efficient and good at his job (being a bloodthirsty warlord), which turns his mate on as much as it should literally everyone else

–scars all over

–very family-oriented, which means he’s extreeeeemely daddy, and very much uses that in the bedroom

–will try to make nice with your bitchy sisters for you

–is receptive to therapy, even if the therapist was his beaten and bruised brother whose advice was basically “do better”

Cons:

–did steal Myst’s chain and used it to make her come on command; which, while I liked it, was very much non-consensual

–insecure about Myst’s history as the greatest femme fatale of the last couple millennia (though he gets better and decides to be a sex-positive feminist)

–that time that he turned his little brothers into vampires against their will

–was so down bad that he literally started to waste away when Myst didn’t let him get off for five years

–does not properly heat his manor

10. Trehan Daciano/Prince of Shadows, vampire, Shadow's Claim

Pros:

--has MAGICAL INVISIBLE-MAKING MIST

--beats the shit out of everyone in this book, basically.... hot

--is apparently a really good uncle when he's not trying to kill his relatives

--was actually extremely romantic with Bettina and liked her dumb little weapons designs. Would see her be like "I think I should make a poisoned bracelet" and go "fucking genius"

--goes from being super rational to FULL ON FUCKING INSANE and that's hot

--says at one point that he'll figure out what to do with their various relationship issues once he's inside her, which I certainly was not mad at

--that time he told Bettina to refrain from touching herself until he could do it for her, we love to see it

Cons:

--was the second!!! person in this series to take Lothaire's romantic advice, which was admittedly correct but suggests his own lack of judgment

--sat in his library and sadly masturbated for weeks (while Lothaire watched)

--watched Bettina sleeping, which I wasn't personally upset with, but I guess that's inappropriate

--that time they were like "your challenge is to give the princess what she'd want most" and he gave her a bag of heads and went ".... fuck" when everyone in the room didn't get it

--held back on biting Bettina for forever, which was dumb and unhorny of him

11. Declan Chase/Aidan the Fierce/Gabriel/Edward/whoever the fuck else he was, berserker, Dreams of a Dark Warrior

Pros:

–I mean you can’t really go wrong with someone who is so determined to have his heroine that he just defies death and keeps coming back throughout the ages

–probably the only employee at Torture Island to get in trouble for workplace sexual harassment…. impressive

–that time he cried after suffocating Regin (it must be truuuuue love truuuuuue love)

–that bathtub scene where he was like “wait no actually I’m taking over this weird sexual interplay thing we have going on”

–his days-long island hike grovel where he was like just sadly walking around and being like *eye emoji* at Regin…. hilarious

Cons:

–I actually totally got why Regin forgave him (true love + dick too bomb) but personally I feel like it’s basically impossible that Lachlain and Rydstrom and Sabine are gonna let the shit he pulled slide forever so suspension of disbelief was rough there

–he did vivisect a MacRieve, and I am nothing if not a MacRieve Stan For Lyfe

–the drug addiction issues are rough

–that time he had to let Lothaire bite his neck whenever he wanted and Lothaire was like “if I call you a girl’s name just go with it” and it DIDN’T turn into sex? Sads

12. Malkolm Slaine, demon/vampire, Demon from the Dark

Pros:

–we love a virgin hero always

–gave Carrow the heads of her enemies As A Treat

–very good at giving sensual baths

–a responsible, loving step-demon to what is admittedly an annoying child

–made Rydstrom, Nikolai, Garreth, and Myst all “YOU WANNA GO BRO???” in what was by far one of the funniest parts of the series

Cons:

–honestly a very sweet guy

–swallows toothpaste TWICE

–comes against Carrow’s leg like thirty seconds after meeting her (actually a pro in terms of hilarity)

–TOO BIG, WON’T FIT (pro)

–could’ve been meaner, I’m not gonna lie

13. Sebastian Wroth, vampire, No Rest for the Wicked

Pros:

–all but a virgin when he meets Kaderin

–Gentleman in the Streets Freak in That Random Nightclub Where He SNAPS

–joined the mile high club remarkably fast

–throws out all his principles for her

–Speaks Like Dracula but in a “I vant to suck your clit” way

Cons:

–borderline beta, or as beta as a murderous centuries old vampire warlord can be

–a little tooooo accommodating of Kaderin’s bullshit

–could have been more demanding, to be honest (Bowen and Lachlain would noooot have been as patient as he was, which some would like but I was a little weary of)

#romance novel blogging #immortals after dark #i always feel bad for keeping sebastian wroth last because i need to reread his book #and give him a proper go #i like barely remember it and i'm trash for the wroth bros so he'd probably rank higher nowadays #honestly may re-rank because a part of me feels like declan chase is a slightly better hero than trehan #even if trehan is hotter for sure #like.... DC is a loon but he's kind of an icon

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frankendykes-monster · 1 year

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Halloween 2022 Countdown Ranked

59. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

58. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1995)

57. Curse of The Swamp Creature (1968)

56. Monster From The Ocean Floor (1954)

55. Billy the Kid versus Dracula (1966)

54. Teenage Cave Man (1958)

53. Lost Continent (1951)

52. Attack of The Killer B-Movies (1995)

51. Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

50. Jesse James meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (1966)

49. Full Moon High (1981)

48. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

47. The Werewolf of Washington (1973)

46. The Invisible Man’s Revenge (1944)

45. The Invisible Woman (1940)

44. Anthropophagous (1980)

43. The Slime People (1963)

42. Casper’s Halloween Special (1979)

41. The Crawling Hand (1963)

40. Scream (2022)

39. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

38. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

37. Invisible Agent (1942)

36. The Descent (2005)

35. Eegah (1962)

34. Dracula vs. Frankenstein (1971)

33. The Midnight Hour (1985)

32. Ringu (1998)

31. Halloween is Grinch Night (1977)

30. Attack of The Giant Leeches (1959)

29. Monster Mash (2000)

28. Bloodz vs. Wolvez (2006)

27. The Man From Planet X (1951)

26. Child’s Play 3 (1991)

25. Hansel and Gretel (1983)

24. Cat-Women of The Moon (1953)

23. Let’s Scare Jessica to Death (1971)

22. The She-Creature (1956)

21. The Terror (1963)

20. The Exorcist (1973)

19. The Navy vs. The Night Monsters (1966)

18. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)

17. The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t (1979)

16. Hobgoblins (1988)

15. Die, Monster, Die! (1965)

14. The Abomination (1986)

13. The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)

12. Lake Mungo (2008)

11. Day of The Animals (1977)

10. Atom Age Vampire (1960)

9. The Mad, Mad, Mad Monsters (1972)

8. Night of The Blood Beast (1958)

7. Child’s Play 2 (1990)

6. The Crawling Eye (1958)

5. The Blair Witch Project (1999)

4. The Old Dark House (1932)

3. Child’s Play (1988)

2. Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)

1. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

God this was such a bottom-heavy marathon compared to last year, alright let’s get this shitshow started. I can’t believe I willingly put myself through some of this.

The 1950′s-1960′s science fiction extravaganza: Curse of The Swamp Creature is, I think, one of those TV remakes of 1950′s films starring monsters designed by Paul Blaisdell. This is one where I thought “okay should I give it credit for making me laugh in the first 30 seconds and then not once for the entire rest of the runtime?” The answer was no. Monster From The Ocean Floor is a dreary slog of a film, one of those cheap shits that only features the titular monster for all of 30 seconds while people just aimlessly do nothing for the entire runtime. Teenage Cave Man I only watched because the monster suit from this film was reused in Night of The Blood Beast, and otherwise it’s Ayn Rand wet dream of the freethinking teenager being magically smarter than everyone else on top of the offense of being a caveman movie with no dinosaurs. God, speaking of which, Lost Continent is another Lost World ripoff that’s decades behind the curve and who’s only saving grace is stop motion dinosaurs which magically improve any movie they star in. The Slime People is an oddity because the monster suits and concept are star studded but it just, I guess, doesn’t have the money to see through actually showing us slime people emerge from underground and completely take over Los Angeles. Weird and disappointing. The Crawling Hand has one of the best trailers for any monster movie I’ve seen complete with a slowed down version of “Surfin’ Bird” but aside from some humorous spouts of bad acting and the 100% out-of-nowhere gag ending, it’s nothing remarkable. Admittedly there has been a couple films about disembodied hands killing people and I can’t find the concept scary no matter what, sue me. Attack of The Giant Leeches is in decent/mid-tier territory, boosted by reusing music from Night of The Blood Beast (Roger Corman lives up to his cheap reputation) and genuinely gruesome scenes of the leeches’ human victims still being alive after progressively blood feedings, it mostly loses me for just not doing anything remarkable with its finale. The Man From Planet X is working with a pretty stock script but is boosted by how atmospheric its directing is, every shot is just littered with shadows or fog. Cat-Women of The Moon is definitely one of the more humorous genre outings I’ve seen of this type, living up to its title 100% other than I guess having long nails and sharp eyeliner making you a “cat” woman I guess. The She-Creature isn’t the best Paul Blaisdell monster movie I’ve seen but that’s expected given his work crops up in some really interesting ones, this one being a murder mystery involving both hypnosis and prehistoric evolutionary links somehow. The Navy vs. The Night Monsters is like a better version of The Thing From Another World what with an indeterminate number of US army guys having to deal with a monster(s) at their fort and their progressively more extreme methods of having to deal with it. Atom Age Vampire is one of the funniest films I’ve seen in a *while*, an Italian knockoff of Eyes Without A Face that hits all the same plot points just far more crudely and with a manster (man-monster) thrown in to boot. Watch the English edit for full effect. Night of The Blood Beast is one I was excited to revisit and it did not disappoint, being one of the definitive genre precursors to Alien (1979) and just an all-around shock to the senses in general with how isolated the cast can be and what they have to be put up against. The star of the show is The Crawling Eye however, a genuinely insane film that actually got under my skin with this viewing with the sound design, effects work, and some really gorey moments like flesh being desolved or multiple decapitations. As far as alien invasion films of the 1950′s go, this is definitely up there.

We have a pair of oddity western-horror mashups between, uh, actual people and fictional characters with Billy the Kid versus Dracula and Jesse James meets Frankenstein’s Daughter. Only thing of note with the former is that John Carradine reprises the role of Dracula after playing the character in House of Frankenstein (1944) and House of Dracula (1945). Carradine was one of the most prolific actors in the history of the medium so it’s not surprising to see him crop up here and there without expecting him, but suffice to say he brings nothing to the role and just blends in with the rest of the drab film. Jesse James meets Frankenstein’s Daughter gets extra points solely for featuring the creation of an awkward and haphazard Frankenstein monster, which is generally the only reason to seek out random odds-and-ends Frankenstein movies.

Full Moon High is another Larry Cohen film that looks good on paper but I don’t really find myself enjoying at all. As a comedy there are a decent number of funny lines (”I’m not one of those types to believe in vampires and werewolves and virgins, I’ve never seen any of those.“) but it almost forgets it’s a werewolf movie for a lot of the runtime as the main plot involves how being a werewolf prevents you from aging and blah blah blah I can’t be bothered to care when you present something I didn’t come here to see (1950′s football player returns to his school in the 1980′s to find it littered with violence and drug use). The Werewolf of Washington is similarly dreary experience that only exists to present lackluster post-Watergate political satire.

Oh how the mighty have fallen; I made an attempt at finishing out The Invisible Man series but couldn’t even bring myself to watch the dedicated Abbott/Costello film. Truly the worst Universal sequels barring whatever happened with The Mummy. The Invisible Woman and Invisible Agent are a full-on comedy and action-adventure film respectively, so in some way I feel cheated for how they’re consistently lumped in with the rest of the series as a whole, which are to say, horror (beyond not doing anything that hadn’t been shown to us in the first two installments). The Invisible Man’s Revenge makes an attempt at trying to get the series back on track but all it does is make me realize I could just be watching the first two films.

Anthropophagous has been one I’ve been curious about for years, mostly because the poster is a really gristly shot of a guy eating human entrails, and while I *guess* that does feature in this film it’s just another slog to get through with no interesting characters, locations, or plot beats to string you along. Avoid.

Scream 5 exists for no reason other than to drop the entire series’ GPA. It’s the entry wherein the genre commentary overshadows everything else to the detriment of this being the first Scream film where I can’t be bothered to care about any of the returning characters. I wrote extensively about this one in my Letterboxd review so I’m only going to touch on some finer points here. Scream (1996) is allowed to reference I Spit On Your Grave (1978) because the former is better, this one is not allowed to make snide remarks about The Witch (2015), I’m not having it. If you’re desperate for a creative shot to the arm that is a grand return after an 11 year absence, just watch Scream 4 (2011).

The Descent was borderline funny to me in the sense that my reaction to so much of what the characters are put through is “shit I would just die, what else is there to do?” I mentally tuned out when the film switched from “being trapped in a claustrophobic cave system with no sense of direction” to “being hunted by underground monsters.” I usually scoff and roll my eyes at “oh my god it’s scarier because it could actually happen” but this is rare case where, yeah, being trapped underground with no way out is more terrifying before you add monsters to the mix.

Alright, brief “worst of the worst” roundup: Eegah, in spite of being one of the most notable MST3K punching bags, is not *that* bad. It peters out by the finale but there are enough funny moments and actually good stuff (Eegah talking to the corpses of family members in a proto Texas Chainsaw scene) to string you along for the better part of an hour. The Terror is a fascinating film for me, made solely because Roger Corman finished The Raven (1963) two days early and still had access to Boris Karloff. What we get is a bizarre and haphazard jumbling of horror cliches in a story that is almost bursting at the seams over how overwritten it is, but the making of this one is so interesting to me personally that I can’t bring myself to dislike it, even if Jack Nicholson never was good at “charismatic leading man” type thing before he settled on crazy motherfuckers. Hobgoblins was one I was surprised over how hilarious it was, another convoluted mess you can’t help but laugh at. The hobgoblins hypnotize people to let them live out their greatest fantasies albeit with some horrific twist, giving us some golden scene like a guy going to makeout point with an imaginary woman so the hobgoblins can push the car over the edge. Lordy lordy lordy.

1970′s role call: Dracula vs. Frankenstein continues the trend of awkward and frustrating messes, this one originally being an unrelated horror film that later had the two characters thrown in mid-production. What ensues is an unusually violent at times boring at others movie that I can’t help but derive at least some ironic enjoyment from. The untimely tragedy of this film is that this was the last role for Lon Chaney Jr. Bela Lugosi got stuck with Ed Wood, Karloff with Corman, and Chaney Jr. with Al Adamson. Chaney Jr. could have been a great actor if it wasn’t for the horror typecasting and seeing play just another bumbling grunt in this is almost painful. See also: somehow this film is also the final role for J. Carrol Naish, who played Daniel in House of Frankenstein (1944). Odd. Let’s Scare Jessica to Death just blends in to the larger genre trends of leaning more towards provocative material what with explicit concerns of mental illness in our protagonist and questions of reality around her, but aside from the soundtrack this one has already completely left my memory. The Exorcist isn’t *quite* the most overrated horror film out there, but it does surprise me that is one of the ones that escaped into the mainstream; it’s mostly middling for the first hour of its runtime before becoming a decent enough demon story. I will say I can’t for the life of me find the devil scary in this, “your mother sucks cocks in hell!” will always be funny to me, they’re like a Freddy/Chucky joke dispensing precursor. The Town That Dreaded Sundown, hoo boy, had this one had a more consistent tone dodging the comedy relief, it could have been an all-time great from this decade with an entire town plunged into despair over unsuccessful efforts to apprehend an anonymous serial killer. This one goes all out when it comes to the more suspenseful moments, making the gags all the more frustrating. Day of The Animals narrowly edges out being just another part of the glut of killer animal films in the wake of Jaws (1975), by just having everything out to kill people. In spite of its inherent ridiculousness I can’t not say it’s better produced and more oppressively intimidating than it has any right to be, almost reminds me of a version of the environment itself is trying to kill you a la backrooms.

Ringu kind of sets in that the late-1990′s-early-2000′s period of J-horror just isn’t for me compared to the likes of films we saw in the 1960′s and 1970′s. They tend to bleed together in my mind and Ringu is disappointing in that way. I will say I was surprised that we get a satisfactory explanation for the origin of the tape and that only the final scene exhibits the famous “crawling out of the television” moment, which somehow became the most memorable thing from this one.

Bloodz vs. Wolvez I’m going to defend on the basis that this could have been a genuinely solid effort, what with the concept of bougie black vampires trying to integrate into human (read: white) society but working class black werewolves are stuck in poverty and this class disparity is the driver of the conflict between the two groups. What holds this back, and of all the films I watched for this season, this one pains me the most to say it’s only average, is the fact that this may be one of the lowest budget films I have ever seen. Everything is restrained by the fact that this must have been over consecutive weekends on $100. Holding out for a remake that does this one justice.

Brief 1930′s aside: I’ve never seen any adaptation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde prior to this year so any amount of expectation or set ideas on what should be done with the story escape me. Suffice to say this is an impressive one overall, with a lot of POV shots and split screen effects that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in a prior film. The 1931 film is another slow to start but when it gets going it unfolds into one of the most explosive finales to any 1930′s horror film (though admittedly I’m not sure what separates Mr. Hyde in this from your average London man but what have you). Oh yes, The Old Dark House. This is the ultimate “minimalist” horror film, using the absolute bare essentials it can to craft an uneasy atmosphere that dominates everything else. No supernatural phenomena, no body count, just extreme thunderstorms trapping everyone inside one dark house and them being forced to make it out with their minds intact. “This is an unlucky house, two of my children, died when they were 20, eh-he-he...” “Laughter and sin! Laughter and sin! This too will rot!”

Die, Monster, Die! is the rare pre-1980′s Lovecraft adaptation, very loosely taking from The Colour From Outer Space, and comes together thanks to starring roles by Karloff and Nick Adams along with going into some unusual territory concerning mutations that befit the subject matter. Slow to start but strong finish.

The Abomination is another one of those pushing-for-the-edge 1980′s obscurities that mostly exists to up the gore to previously unseen levels, and I can’t say it wasn’t successful, with practically an entire house being converted into an eldritch monstrosity that eats people piece by piece. It’s frankly disgusting at times but if you’re on the search for more of these have at it.

Out of all the bizarre mishmash that is the group of films that I decided to watch this year, Lake Mungo is the biggest outlier to the group. I’m not sure if I’d classify it as horror, it’s a piece of weird fiction that seems to escape genre. Unlike, it seems, pretty much everyone else, this one doesn’t really scare me at all, but I can’t help but be fascinated as the narrative ebbs back and forth in an emotional cacophony that leads to gut punches. I’m not entirely sure what to make of it, it could have gone anywhere in the ranking and I wouldn’t be wholly satisfied with its position, but I guess that’s why you can’t truly assign a number value to art.

I made an effort to try and make it through as many actual Halloween specials as I could this year in between the feature lengths. Attack of The Killer B-Movies sees Elvira and a bunch of teenage schmucks watch several low-tier 1950′s science fiction films that have been colorized, cut for time, and with new soundtracks, with MST3K gags strewn in between. It somehow makes these films worse, which is a monumental accomplishment in cases like with Monster From Green Hell (1957). Avoid unless you and some pals have to see everything Elvira. I’m not familiar with anything related to Casper prior to the 1995 film and the seemingly deluge of material featuring the character for the following decade, and Casper’s Halloween Special didn’t do anything to convince me to rectify that, blah. The Midnight Hour is one I was disappointed to return to, not nearly as insane as I recall it being. Functionally a proto-Hocus Pocus (1993) wherein a witch returns from the dead to curse an entire town, The Midnight Hour wants to be a zombie film, a party film, a romance, and about two other things but doesn’t meet the manic energy required to pull it off. An absolute must see is the musical number riffing on “Thriller” in the middle of this one, “Get Dead.” “I’m dead, you’re dying, everyone should try and get dead!” Halloween is Grinch Night is a fascinating watch just being an unyielding onslaught of color and sound that doesn’t know what a quiet moment is, the oft mentioned “weird” Grinch scene makes perfect sense in context however, not sure what everyone was on about with that. Monster Mash is an adorable enough fist-shaking, involving Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and The Wolf Man being forced to assert that they’re still scary in spite of being sell-outs in a world of slashers. Best part is one of the monsters they’re up against is Freddy D. Spaghetti, who wears a pasta strainer in place of a hockey mask, love that dude. Hansel and Gretel is a retelling of the story by Tim Burton, and it makes for perfect background material at a party for its ambiance coming from the fact there are only like five characters existing on solid monochrome sets that have virtually no decorations. I’ve never cared for the story itself but the presentation here is hypnotizing. The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t is another cute and inoffensive one, with Dracula forced to call all the world’s monsters together to have a witch doing her scaring duties lest the holiday be cancelled all together. Ends on a disco party because it’s the 1970′s, fuck you. Nothing however can beat The Mad, Mad, Mad Monsters, a reprise/semi-sequel to Mad Monster Party? (1967), which I watched for last year’s countdown, and one that perfectly rights the wrongs of that misfire. The light plot concerns Dr. Frankenstein making a bride for the Monster and calling in the rest of the major terrors to come to the wedding, and it’s almost entirely a springboard for gags. The difference between this and Mad Monster Party? is that this is actually funny, whether it be the reining-in of some obvious Halloween gags (ha-ha the monsters want to eat roast black widows) or there being two human characters to counterbalance the monsters, one absolutely terrified of them and one who’s a major Universal fanboy. Just when you think the film is ending it turns 90 degrees into another direction with 10 more jokes on the way. “Oh I’ve made a terrible mistake, the bride is alternating current, and the groom is direct current!”

There isn't much going on in The Blair Witch Project so I can't comment on much, suffice to say this one has still got it, marketing campaign or no marketing campaign. Slowly becomes more and more claustrophobic until you get to that final shot of standing in the corner. It having been spoiled for me years prior doesn't at all change how effective it is in context.

Time constraints prohibited me from watching every Child’s Play film but I enjoyed my time with the first three entries. If anything surprised me about the first film it’s that it is a genuinely scary experience, the only one where Chucky is intimidating. The people saying that they could just drop kick him? Yeah, Chucky will fucking kill you. This is what A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) wishes it was. Child’s Play 2 does its services as a not-quite-as-good horror sequel but it’s strong continuity with the first and upping the stakes and scope make it a worthwhile watch. Child’s Play 3 is decent enough but can grow tiring over how much it forgets it’s a Child’s Play sequel and not a Full Metal Jacket (1987) parody. Too much of the run time is eaten up by shit that is inconsequential and yeah, not too bad compared to a LOT of slasher sequels but I can see where people are coming from when they say this is the weakest entry in the series.

If your body horror film doesn’t make me feel like the person having their flesh twisted, you failed. Industrial music. Stop motion editing. Semi-undead mechanical sex. Tetsuo: The Iron Man commands it all. If you turn your head for five seconds while watching this you will have missed the equivalency of a Lord of The Rings prequel’s volume of information and even then a lot of this indecipherable on every level. The beauty of practical effects is a lot of the time I genuinely couldn’t tell you how the effect is done, and Tetsuo does that seemingly every 10 minutes. I’ve come and gone with this film but make no mistake, everyone needs to see this. It will change you.

Alright, final stretch. There is no series in the history of film that has a wider gap in quality between entries as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Watching the majority of the series this year also ran the gamut of how good or how bad a movie in general can be. I did not rewatch 2 because I figured it would get better on a rewatch (I don’t care for it) and I didn’t bother with Leatherface (2017) because come on just look at it. Let’s begin: Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III is relatively inoffensive, I’d say I prefer it to 2. It’s ostensibly a mainstream studio remake of the first film and while there are great scenes found within, it’s major drawback is that I can’t “buy” any of it. At no point do I believe these people are a group of mass murderers, they’re actors playing mass murderers. This is an issue plaguing the majority of the series but more money doesn’t mean you can effectively capture that feel. The Next Generation is the first of several abominations I had to sit through, featuring what might be the worst set of performances I’ve seen in any film. This is the one that reveals that the Sawyers are secretly working for the Illuminati as part of a massive fear spreading campaign and has an ending that resembles a Nirvana music video more than anything and makes me question everything that led up to committing to watching this, the less said the better. The 2003 remake is Leatherface, again, though it benefits from being the second entry in the series aside from the first to have some consistent aesthetic going. Can still be easily skipped. The Beginning is the first entry that devolves into pure torture porn, and doesn’t take any advantage of the fact that these characters can’t survive at the end, opting for just repeating bare slasher essentials except for killing off the final girl. Texas Chainsaw 3D opens with a montage of footage from the first film then hard pivots into a plot about the Swayers being murdered in mass by a vigilante mob and “the Sawyers didn’t deserve this!” No mention of the killing and cannibalism I guess as Leatherface, despite collecting a body count in this film alone, is turned into the good guy. “Do your thing cuz!” Just when you think things can’t get any worse, we are presented with Texas Chainsaw Massacre, no “The,” the new low bar for the series, if not the genre and maybe film as a whole. Make no mistake that this is easily one of the worst films I have ever seen, involving gen-Z gentrifiers trying to buy up a small town to make into an upscale getaway, but Leatherface is there and blah blah blah you could have called this film anything else and you know what would have happened? It would still be as bad but I wouldn’t have had to watch it, no one would have noticed it, no one would have to be as angry or anything because the only thing this has going for it is the connection to the first film. It’s like if the Star Wars prequels weren’t called “Star Wars” they’d be as easily forgotten as Jupiter Ascending (2015) or Valerian and The City of a Thousand Planets (2017), where no one would have batted an eye, called them shit in a single breath and then easily forgotten about them without a second thought. Fuck this movie, fuck it for being another stain on the legacy of the original, fuck everyone that says “I just want to see stupid teenagers get killed,” fuck any defense of this.

Only thing that came of having to sit through these was another opportunity to rewatch the 1974 film. As soon as I had settled on this being up for viewing, the #1 spot was sealed. If someone were to say that this is the greatest horror film ever made, I don’t think I’d agree but at the same time I wouldn’t be able to put up a counter argument. I said a few days ago that I define horror as a genre by its presentation of violence, and this is a perfect example. The opening text crawl lets us know that even if this was a singular event, the resulting trauma and open wounds will be carried forever. The soundtrack itself is oppressive, camera shutters and industrial machinery in the place of actual music at times, the opening credits burned by footage of solar flares, the entire environment taking place in the blazing Texas sun with dried up water beds and radiators and dilapidated buildings. It’s one of the ultimate descents into hell that have ever been presented by any film, horror or not. Innocent people unknowingly walking to their doom, the discovery of seemingly endless amounts of human and animal remains and never putting the pieces together until it’s too late, the final survivor being forced to see how the meat we eat is made. “I just don’t take no pleasure in killing.” It’s been nearly 10 years since I first saw The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, this is one of the rare films that absolutely changed me, and while no subsequent viewing will have that same impact, I can’t not love it to the upmost extent that I can love any movie.

#long post #body horror

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