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A list of my favourite fictional grey characters (not in order) SPOILER ALERT!

Regina Mills (Once Upon A Time)

There is a reason why Regina is called «The Evil Queen» She was pure evil. A murderer, a kidnapper, a rapist, how could I like her? Well it wasnt before season 3 I started to like her. It took a lot of time. And I suppose I will never fully love her after she raped Graham for...years... and murdered people - children when she was a tiny bit frustrated. I would even say that she is irredeemable. And I thought her redemtion arc was unrealistic in the beginning, and for God’s sake, she should not have been crowned The Good Queen in season 7. But she tried to change so hard for Henry, she tried to redeem herself. Tried to be a good mother for a change. She saved multiple lives and souls. She didnt completely redeem herself, I must admit it. But she tried so hard and I feel like she deserves something from that. She eventually became a very good mother, even though it was a little late since Henry was already 12 when she became one. She was still a bitter bitch and blamed innocent people for unfortunate things that happened to her (Zelena, Mary Margaret, Emma) but by season 7, she became something more than that. She became half good. Grey. And even though she didnt completely redeem herself, she came close. Also, I love her sassy personality, she should be crowned The Sassy Queen, not The Good Queen.

Rumplestiltskin (Once Upon A Time)

The Dark One who after 7 seasons became one of the greatest heroes in OUAT. The man who was known as the village coward because he ran away from the Ogre War and was too afraid to fight for his wife became one of the bravest men. Like Regina, he was a murderer. He was super manipulative with all his deals and the «all magic comes with a price, dearie» thing. He manipulated people into getting themselves killed. Before he became The Dark One, he was a good man with a pure heart. But the power of the dagger took over him and his heart was all black. He was power sick. He always wanted power, but not for selfish reasons. He felt like he needed power to protect his son Bealfire/Neal and his wife Milah, but when he took that power, the darkness came over him and he, after time, became evil. It wasn’t before he met Belle French his heart showed a little bit of light. As he said, she was his light in an ocean of darkness. Their relationship was problematic and selfish in the beginning. He manipulated her into thinking he changed (which you know i detest *cough* James Potter) Rumple loved power more than he loved her, at least in season 4. He too often chose it over her, until season 6 when he started to properly redeem himself. His redemtion arc took over 300 years but it came in the end. His love for her changed A LOT. In the other seasons, his love was unhealthy and selfish. But in season 6 and 7, he changed a lot. This time it wasnt only for Belle, but Gideon too. They helped him let go of power and in season 7, he tried so hard to get rid of the dagger and the power so that he could live a normal life with his family. And after Belle died, he didn’t return to the dagger or the dark side. He helped the good side to defeat Drizella and the other villians in that season. He even became a father figure to Alice. And in the end he sacrificed himself to save Killian’s (Nook) life. And he got reunited with Belle. He is the most interesting character in OUAT, no doubt there.

Sawyer/James Ford (LOST)

Sawyer is without a doubt one of my fave characters from LOST (after Charlie and John) in his background, he was a thief and manipulated woman to believe he loved them, just to take all their money. (Maybe except Cassidy, since he fell in love with her later, but he still manipulated her AND got her pregnant) He’s a real asshole. Buuut - then he became an entirely different (and better) man. He meets Kate Austen and I feel like his love for her changes his character. In the beginning he was a bit of a perve with her (i mean, walking straight towards her completely naked...) he doesnt develope much in the 1 season, but later (beginning in the 3 season) he becomes quite selfless and protective. In season (was it 4? I dont quite remember) he falls in love again with Juliet Burke, and heeeeell, she was good for him. He also developes a nice relationship with Claire Littleton (platonic) he becomes protective of her. He attemts to comfort Hurley after Charlie’s death. In the rest of the seasons he is the born leader. He puts the team before himself (like when he sacrificed his chance to escape the Island) and in the paralell universe he is absolutely the best.

Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights)

Okay, no he’s not exactly a grey character since he’s a lot more dark than light, but I love him too much to not put him here. Differently from the other character I’ve mentioned above, Heathcliff doesnt have a redemtion. He died an awful person. He abused and manipulated a lot of people. Before he became this asshole, he was a much better person. He was an ass to those who deserved it (Hindley, That bitch deserved to die so young. Edward was a kind man, but I don’t like him, sooo... nevermind) The way he treated Isabella was sickening and awful, she had every right to leave him and take Linton away and hate him. I Don’t like Isabella, but she never deserved to be treated that way. His love for Cathy was unhealthy, but it was true and he would do so much for her. (They kinda remind me of Snily, so ofc I ship it) Heathcliff went through so much trauma in his life and never recovered. After Cathy died, he was practically dead too, then he killed himself years later. His life made me cry for days, especially the ending. He is such an interesting character with so many layers.

Ulrich Nielsen (Dark)

(Before I say anything, I haven’t finished the entire show yet, so this is gonna be short and probably not 100% correct)

To be honest, I don’t like Ulrich at all as a person. I look at him and I see a fully grown up man with no remorse for what he did to Regina as a teen. He cheated on his wife with a woman he didnt even love. He tried to murder a CHILD who hadnt done anything wrong (yet) because he thought he was going to kill his brother and son in the future (okay, i get why he did it. He was desperate to get Mikkel back and the whole time-tarvelig thing was extremely stressfull) BUT HE COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING A LOT LESS HARMFULL TO PREVENT EVERYTHING TO HAPPEN. Despite this, i love him as a character. He is so interesting and there are times were I have to remind myself why i dont like him. He is brave and intelligent and... so fucking hot as a teen.

Hannah Kahnwald (Dark)

(Again, havent watched the whole show yet)

This girl is MESSED UP. When she was fourteen, she accused Ulrich of being a rapist, which is a very serious accusation and then blamed it on Regina who she knew was a victim of Ulrich and Katharina’s bullying. She is a home-wrecker, and when Katharina found out about Ulrich cheating on her with Hannah and confronted her, Hannah blamed it on Ulrich and said he pressed her and that she wanted it to end, but he refused or whatever, i dont 100% remember the conversation. But she was also a very good mother to Jonas and she was so sweet to Mikkel/Michael. She is a bitch, so much that its impossible to not like her.

Severus Snape (Harry Potter)

Saved the best one to last. The guy my whole account is about, ofc he’s on this list, and ofc this is gonna be the longest text.

This guy is a complete asshole. Always has been, always will be. He bullied Harry and Co (mostly Harry and Neville) he was a bitter and sarcastic bitch. He used to be a follower of Voldemort. Even in his youth he had a lot of flaws. We all know he became the bastard he was due to childhood trauma, mental illnesses and manipulation. I believe he had depression, grief and PTSD. At least in his 20’s he was suicidal, and I believe it remained like that til the day he died, because he had no one to help him or give him support. He turned to the dark side in an attemt to make his life better (as many members of gangs do) but he only stayed like that for two years, which is extremely impressive if you know what kind of person Voldemort is. As a 21 year old, Snape was a very different person from what he was as a 38 year old. If he was the way he was as a 38 yr old when Lily, James and Harry was in danger. First of all, he wouldnt start to try to save Lily by asking Voldemort, he would have went straight to Dumbledore, probably with his own brilliant plan on how to save them. Second, he wouldnt hesitate for a second to save James and Harry to. In canon, he needed to have a personal reason to save them, which was Lily’s feelings I believe. As a 38 yr old, he risked his life to save people he hated (Lupin) This is a great character developement. He went from being a selfish bitch, to become a selfless asshole. He was that kind of person who did anything in his power to protect someone, even if that person had nothing to do with winning the war and had nothing to gain himself.

That one time a guys Ghost and Demon gave me more attention than he did- A Storytime

To preface this story- I've been single for 2 years- I do go on dates using tinder from time to time but I knew this dude through friends and he was a genuine dude (he just possessed the personality of wet cat food and is kinda douchey to women due to not being in relationships whatsoever)

I wouldn't just roll up at someones house like this typically and do what I did under most circumstances!

We will call him "Sasuke" b/c I cant think of anything else but Naurto rn ( R*O*C*K*S* )

The story

This story takes place back in beginning of December and I was 21 at the time. I was swiping on tinder one morning and I see Sasuke is on tinder. Last time I had heard something from him is when he spazzed on me for dating someone and I blocked him on snapchat! I swiped on him thinking, "Hes not going to swipe lol" Hahaha I was WRONG. He indeed did and completely forgot he said what he said to me -.- so I was shook and he wanted to hang out that night- at his house. I obviously snapped immediately and asked- "Why are you asking me over to your house? Sasuke we've never hung out!" He flipped and unmatched me. He acts like he does not follow my cosplay account on instagram so I find his page and slide into his DM's. He starts treating me A LOT differently (idk why. I think I was close to 300 followers at that time?? I dont think following should determine how you treat people in my opinion.) He apologized and said he was moving (side note: I still do not know if he did move because I decided the universe was doing me a favor that nice and made sure he was blocked off my private accounts.) I straight up asked Sasuke "So you're alone is what you're saying- in an empty house and you want me to come over?" Of course I'm expecting him to address the obvious red flags popping up- you know an empty house, you're there alone and you want me over? He doesn't and says I'll be fine. A couple people know this dude and in my mind I got this figured out "I'll just leave enough DNA evidence with my hair, shoes, fingerprints, google location like good luck murdering me and getting away with it lol"

It's the best mindset I have towards things and someone who doesn't understand the value of forensic evidence could believe they could get away with such a crime. Also, the thought of dragging my dead body tires me. I assume the killer would get messy anyway b/c ya know. They didnt really sign up for a work out session with murder I guess? I digress

I got over there and I park in the driveway (like I was informed to, I hate just parking in places other people have claimed as there spot yk? So I asked him where like 4 times) So I'm parked and waiting for him to come outside. It's around 5:30/6 during the bigging of winter so the sun is gone and it's dark already. As I'm waiting I'm staring at this home and I'm getting a vibe from it. Unless I see that door open I'm not getting out of my car it's way to dark outside. I'm looking at this house and it's very inviting but when I see him come out hes very starled. So I quickly learn hes scared to be alone at the house by himself not by him telling me but by how hes acting, which he could have said upfront, I'm not a bad person! I'd stay with someone to house sit if they were scared of spirits in their home! I get inside and the house was set up like a split level so you'd walk up the stairs and get to the main level of the home. The first room was like an entry room and it had really pretty paintings in it. I, almost immediately, felt something standing back against the wall staring at him and I. When you walk up the stairs you face the hallway and the kitchen. The feeling was to the left of me, not to the right towards the hallway. This becomes important and relevant information.

Now this spirit, hes a younger looking business man, very attractive if I may add, and hes around 6ft, 6ft 1. I can feel hes taller than me and he is absolutely pissed off. He's not pissed with me and I can feel hes not aiming anything at me, he is, however, annoyed I'm there. I'm now walking through the hallway to his room. He shows me his little step up and stuff, which it's cute and his camera equipment was on point! I heard a knock two doors down but I know he has 2 bigger dogs that he always keeps with him so I guessed he put them two rooms down so they didn't swarm to me coming up the steps. We leave his room and go back down the hallway, he doesn't let them out so I assume hes like, scare they'll hurt me?? We through the kitchen to get to the living room to sit with him and chat. He starts talking about how he's suppose to be getting gumies (the not scooby doo kind so 🚮) from this dude. I'm looking at dude Sasuke like he's stupid. I asked him why he wanted me over so badily if he was waiting for something like that to come. He said he wanted a girl to kiss and then I feel something watching me. I stop him in the middle of his fuck boy bs and ask him if he has family or friends here. He said no, he has a cat and I know he has 2 dogs. I'm like oh okay I love cats and he asks what we should watch. I skeme and make him watch Yu Gi Oh. He leaves me alone off and on for about 2 and half almost 3 hours. His cat kept coming and going which was super cute but I hadn't seen the dogs and safely assumed they were in the room 2 doors down from his bedroom. I could still feel the man in that room, kinda peaking through the doorway to check on me through the opening over the kitchen sink. (the couch was on the other side of it) I was totally fine with that as he wasn't up to anything crazy and I didn't feel like he was going to harm me.

We changed to watching some show I now forget and I had to use the bathroom. He showed me where it was and that was all fine. He went back down the street or whatever he was doing to wait for his gummies. I saw the cats food bowl was in there (relevant I swear) and I do my business and leave out the other door. I went through a bigger bedroom and back out into the hallway. I heard knocking at the door again and told the dogs to calm down and I want back into that little room. This mans spirit was now very upset and I sorta felt for him for whatever reason. I go back into the living room and sit down. The man is now closer, like inside the kitchen staring at me watching tv. I then hear Sasuke come back in and call to me. I follow basically in front of the Invisible Man and into Sasukes room. The man does not follow us through the hallway so I determine hes just keeping an eye on me for some reason. He can see me still b/c I feel him staring. Sasuke sits his gummies on his dresser (this is relevant important information to back up a personal theory) and didnt do anything else but walk back out with me.

I follow him out and I can feel this man growing more upset by the second. I rush through the kitchen into the living room and sit down on the couch furthest away from the opening to the kitchen. Sasuke starts trying to put the moves on me by kissing me and I feel the man come into the room. Hes pissed and feels hurt. I take it as a warning that something's not right and push on Sasuke to stop. I ask him

"Is your house haunted?" The energy from the man almost automatically settled. I got the saddest feeling from the man in the corner. They completely ignore the fact they have a spirit in the home (which in my opinion, if you know for a fact it's not a malevolent spirit you are directly ignoring something a spirit that was human and imo I think its trashy to do. Especially if this spirit does NOTHING BUT EXIST WITH YOU!!! You're basically roommates.)

This spirit was, very obvious to me at least, very upset he wasnt being acknowledged. I think he knew I could feel and see him in a way so he flocked to me. Sasuke sort of stops and gets bug eyed at the same time. He asked why I ask so I tell him.

"I feel something here, hes been watching me." I answered. I wasn't upset or freaked out, but Sasuke was. I remember this vividly due to the fact I've never had anyone freak out on me like this!! The man backed off almost completely when he felt Sasuke getting freaked out so if he ever claims he had a demon in his home at that point: that man didn't want to harm him or me whatsoever. He gets up and starts looking around the room- at the walls, down at the floor and on tables.

At first I was confused at what he was doing but I noticed he was looking at things he sees every day and would have a usual spot it stayed in. He was actively looking for proof of poltergeist activity (imo I never did ask).

He gets done running around and sits back down next to me. He's visibly more calm and relaxed so whatever he was running around for helped I guess? He then starts to tell me he use to play is ipod at night to tall asleep and a spirit would violently rip it off and throw it. Of course, I thought he was exaggerating because the spirits in my home display that activity but only when my mother and I are extremely busy and ignore them so to speak.

They also don't have to use energy to throw things so far, they move things on high shelves while we're in eyesight or make a dish towel fall. They know we respond to more relaxed behavior than more extreme behavior.

I straight up told him that's bs, the man you have seems really okay and you dont even have an ipod dock. He said that was before he moved into another room. I asked him which room he stayed in orginally and he walks me into the hallway and shows me the door. 2nd. From. His. He said he would wake up with scratch marks but I didnt take that at face value until I left. I ask him where his dogs were, while I was here I'd love to give them pets (I love animals yk) he said they were ALREADY AT THE NEW HOUSE WITH HIS MOM.

I told him I was not going to be scammed out of pets and I knew his pup were in there. He asked me had a seen them. I hadn't, obviously, so I took the L and walked back out with him. He then proceeds to tell me the family (mom and uncle I believe) used an Ouija board in the home. I automatically hear a crunching noise behind me and look for his cat. She wasn't where the noise came from. I asked if his cat had food somewhere else? Like in the bigger bedroom. He said no.

Something was trying to make itself known and it wasn't the man. The man knew I felt him and knew I acknowledged him fully, so he wouldnt need to use energy like that to get my full attention. I feel something so heavy now lingering by that door. I told him I dont mess with that, whatever is in here with that man means you harm. I grab my shoes and go into his room to get my purse and then he goes to eat his gummies since I'm leaving. He cant find the 3rd pack and eventually makes me dump my purse out on the floor because he thinks I'd steal it (I don't do drugs but okay) I didnt have it so I started to help him look. He found it deep inside his dresser drawer. I automatically left after that because whatever bad spirit/demon this was wanted me to stay longer than I had to. Imo- something was most definitely trying to delay me from leaving and wanted my attention, which tbh if it's not a good spirit, it's not getting my attention. I felt the mans spirit come near the railing to the steps as I'm walking down while Sasuke was trying to get me to stay, he felt more authoritative like and wanted me to leave. I never really got the chance to thank that kind business man spirit but you are the MVP of the universe let's you see this stuff. Probably working to be angel. I don't forget that night because it's important to note that spirits can be stuck around with a demons/bad spirits and that doesnt mean they hold ill intent for you either!! Whatever sort of darker spirit that is, is attached to hallway or the man doesnt let him venture beyond it. It didn't follow me so I assume it's also stuck to the space!

My ending theory is:

His house has two spirits stuck, a good boy and a bad boy

Hes naturally scared to be alone in the house. He could just not be use to energy like that so take that with a grain of salt

He was activity speaking about poltergeist activity (when you think about this, disregard the movie) he was looking for things moved around or out of place.

He said there was use of an Ouija board so I can come to the conclusion that he may just have a low level demon and a spirit stuck there. I'm pretty sure if it was anything higher it would have fed off his panicked energy and would have done something bigger than crunching. It could also be a really grumpy old man but idk.

The scratch marks don't happen usually from everyday spirits but I do have a story time about that though!

Anyway. Be safe, sometimes your tinder dates are scared to be in there own homes. Anyway until next time~

Kawaiigirlgoingghost out!

may 19th 22:19

sitting in the dark thinkin abouty last entry in this condo rental. this airbnb was definitly a great idea. we would have been paying double the price at a sketchy hotel in pick pocket central. there are some things about this place tho. the sink and toilets both leak and constantly leave pools that we would, correction: i would have to clean once a day. theres no median to the ac unit. it get very cold or very humid in a matter of minutes. my dad has the shitty end cuz the unit blasts towards his bed and during the day the sun just faces down towards his room. the condo unit itself is roughly 300 sq foot studio with a divider that seperates the room into a sleeping an living area. im on the sofabed which i cant complain on but his lumpy pillows so my ikea shirt covered pillows at home is a luxury in comparison. the kitchen is an indoor/outdoor that spills into a balcony which i quite large. 350 sq ft. bigger then the studio itself. living here would actually be dope if u wanna be in the city but have patio furniture or and outdoor workout area. ive been doin some pull ups out there in the morning. the biggest surprise walking into this condo was the simple yet crucial nessecity that all rental should come equipped with is no fukkin tv and wifi! hows someone on business supposed to come into this city and either do work or pass time. i was already spending around $7/day on prepaid cards to stay connected with friends and fam but it doubled in price just the first night. i let the owner know and he was able to drop off pocket wifi so atleast pops can get on facebook. i even rented some dvds in case our 800mb/day were up. One thing i cant really complain about this condo is its location. a block away from high street, it is quickly becoming my favorite place on earth for shopping. just ecclectic selection of high end and shit u cant find anywhere or only in specific regions r even exclusively here in manila. there are nike and asics colorways exclusively created for manila and its super huge running scene out here. as soon as it goes dark and its nice enough to run, a third of the pedestrians on the street are geared in highly reflective and compression. i even ran one night but stood out cuz all my gear was for lifting and not running. wutevs i got to run streets of bgc. Last night i thought i would see high street one last time and people watch. thinking i wouldnt see these stores for a long time as the clerks start shutting down and closing the stores up, i hear jurrasic 5's 'jayou' in the faint. completely opposite of the direction i was walking towards the condo i follow the hard beats. i get closer, the beats are cut and scratched into a jazzy drum and melody, hipsters surround this indoor/outdoor lounge reminding me of dirty laundry lounge when it was still there. i try to walk in and the dude tries to stop me from walkin in. american accent to my surprise. "i was just strolling by and hurd music" i told him in my best hip young dude accent. a mistiso looking fellow waves him off and walks me to a table and these beats are just getting better. scratching, juggling, finger drumming, bongos. hip hop at its finest and all the golden stuff. black moon, tribe, epmd, souls of mischief. alot of mash ups with grunge too. these djs were talented. there was alot of congratuations and over the top greeting to the one mistiso lookin dude. he did get a chance to come up to me an chit chatted a lil bit. he reminded me of the late chaz b a lil bit. it wasnt until we were interupted by more of his friends that i realized, its a fukken private party i just crashed. im glad i did tho cuz everyone was dressed super hip. they all had american accents. white girls, black guys, young execs with dope suits, bboys, fashionistas, hiphop nerds, rastas and the coolest looking filipinos ive ever seen. a certain song came on and ppl went crazy. it looked a lil like a group of dudes in the back were getting extra acknowledgement frm the dj and crowd. im thinkin this hip hop song's artist were these dudes. i quickly tried shazaming but couldnt get a hit. it was dope. it sounded a bit like tribe called quest but with taglish. this spot was super cool and i was already schemeing my next visit.

Failure is not an option. 

When I say that I don’t mean that I don’t believe I can fail. I know now that when making your way through life and especially when embarking on a new journey, you’re going to stumble and fall plenty of times before you succeed. It’s part of the process. What I am now determined to do is continue getting back up and pushing forward. I can’t keep quitting at everything I do. 

With that being said, I needed some time to regroup after that interaction on Thursday. I still can’t believe the way Danny spoke to me about the networking event. I did everything in my power to make it to the event. I had an excruciatingly painful conversation with my father because I broke down and asked him to borrow some money. As per usual we dragged my whole history through the mud and after plenty of tears and yelling, he cut me a check for $300, not letting me forget about the “loan” note written on the bottom. I was appreciative and I didn’t want him to change his mind, so I stuck through it. And vowed to myself, AGAIN, that I wouldn’t let things get this bad again. I had to work myself into the ground to fix my finances and I was ready to do it. So even though I had already sent Danny a text that day about not being able to make it to the real estate networking event the following night, I decided that with some cash in my hand I could make it happen. And made a mental note to text him in the morning to let him know I would be there. 

The next day I got up early. I got Josiah to school on time and I made sure to already be dressed and made up so that I could start driving Uber early. I was going to pick Josiah up directly from school later so I had to be back by 2:15 the latest. I drove for a couple of hours, stopped for gas, continued, went to cash my check so that I could pay off a few small debts and then if I still had time I would keep driving until 2. 

I made it back on time, made sure to refresh my face so that I could head back to the salon after picking up Josiah to finish my manicure. I couldn’t go to my first networking event with terrible nails.

After all my errands, I ended up leaving my house around 5. I figured since I was going in the opposite direction of traffic, I should be arriving by the latest 6:15. I had already let Cheryl know I was on the way. So I loaded Josiah back in to the car, and since we already stopped and got us something to eat after I got him from school, I just headed into the city. I realized that the traffic was heavier than I had expected by the time I got on the highway, but somehow I still ended up at the daycare by 3 minutes before 6. I figured, Sandy Springs to Buckhead wasn’t that far, and when I pulled up my destination on Google Maps, at first it said 20 minutes. But after another couple of seconds of loading, that number changed from 20 to 45. And I had to brace myself because after all of that effort, I had to accept that I was still going to be certifiably late. But I had already come this far. Josiah was already dropped off, even if I didnt stay long I had to make it down to this venue, even if it was just to show my face. So I cut on some music and started on my way. 

The traffic was infuriating. My anxiety levels were through the roof but I was more determined than ever to keep it together. I had to learn how to succeed in this new industry I had chosen, I had no room for a backup option anymore. 

I felt like I had everything with me: my business cards, a pen, something to write on if I needed to take down someone’s information. My face was still done, I had already eaten. So my purse was just on the chair next to me. I finally arrived and saw the valets up front circling everyone around, I decided my car was a little too poor looking for valet today and I definitely didn’t have money to spare for a tip later, so I decided to go to the self parking section in the back. I took a deep breath and grabbed my things, and headed into the restaurant. I sent Danny a quick text letting him know I was there and hoped to God I wouldn’t have to pay the cover charge just because I was late. 

I got in pretty easily and started walking around. I was super nervous, I had never done anything like this before. I’m pretty sure anyone who looked at me saw a deer in headlights. I waved to a few people and started looking around hoping to find someone in my team to get some kind of direction. 

I decided to go to the bar. I needed a buffer, something to hold in my hand at least to make me not look so nervous. I was also hoping the liquor would ease my nerves a bit and make introducing myself to complete strangers a little bit easier. 

I glanced at the menu for a bit and decided to go with a classic mojito. I didn’t know much about the bar scene so I wanted to be play it safe. As I started searching my purse for my wallet to pay for my drink, I realized it wasn’t there. So I immediately left the bar and went to my car, hoping to God that my wallet was in there. 

I texted Joe, panicking, letting him know that I think I lost my wallet. And of course, it wasn’t in the car. So I sat there for a second, holding back tears as I thought about my next move. 

I had to go back home. I know I didnt take my wallet out at the daycare because I didnt have to pay them until I got back. So the only other place it could be if it wasnt completely lost, was at my house, because I could have left it on the bed by accident when I was switching bags. I went back inside to hopefully find Denny or someone else on the team to let them know I had to go. Cheryl was calling me, so I frantically picked up as I headed back inside. “I’m right near the entrance here with Derron,” she said. I spotted her right away and walked in their direction. “Hey,” I said nervously, “ I’m so sorry but I just realized I lost my wallet on my way here, I’m going to have to leave.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for a while? You just got here, didn’t you?” Cheryl looked at me like I was crazy. “No, I cant, I left my son in a childcare center in Sandy Springs and that’s an hour away. You know I live in Hiram, so I have to go all the way back home to see if my wallet is there as soon as possible because the longer I wait, the more I’ll have to pay the babysitter. And I’m low on cash, so if my wallet is lost I’m really screwed. I have to go sort this out before it gets too late. Tell Danny I’m sorry.”

“I will,” she said. 

“Shit happens,” Derron said, “go make sure you take care of business.”

“Thanks guys,” I said as I walked away, “I’ll see you Saturday.”

I kept cursing at myself as I left. How could I make it all the way here without realizing I didn’t have my wallet. I needed things to start getting better and fast.

I figured Cheryl would let Danny know what happened, so I didn’t bother texting him right away. Saturday training was only two days away and if I needed to explain any further, I would do it then.

I called Joe and started rambling on and on about how frustrated I was, as I drove home in a panic. 

As soon as I got in my apartment I started searching frantically for my wallet. It wasn’t on my bed, or in the kitchen, or in the living room. I sat down for a second on my bed to take a breather. If I really lost my wallet outside of my apartment, I would go nuts! I just borrowed money from my dad, what would it look like if I had to go back to him and say, “yea I spent half of that money on bills already but what I do have left I lost in my wallet and now I need help again.” Absolutely not. I would rather die. I had to start fighting back tears again because I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I stared at the floor and low and behold, there it was. My wallet was on the floor by the window. It must have flew out of my bag earlier when I grabbed everything in a rush. I let out a deep sigh and immediately texted Cheryl. “I found it, it was on the floor at home,” I texted. “Whew,” she said. Then I sent Joe an identical text letting him know I was now obligated to drive back to Sandy Springs to get Josiah, as it was now already 8:30pm.

As I made my way back into the city, driving a lot less frantic now, because of course there was less traffic, I thought about how I let this happen. I needed a moment to breathe. I couldn’t sit down and focus properly on doing everything Denny wants me to do to build a business, if I’m spending every waking moment, driving the streets of Atlanta, trying to collect every dollar so I can put food on the table. I wasn’t even succeeding at that; I hadnt gone actual grocery shopping in at least 3 weeks. I was drowning in my bills and I could no longer be too proud to admit that I was doubting my choice to do this. Maybe I would’ve been better off if I stayed at Coke, I thought to myself. I clearly couldn’t keep up with Denny and his millionaire friends. 

I picked up Josiah and the price was 38 dollars. So between gas and babysitting, I ended up spending 50 bucks tonight for really nothing. I didn’t get a chance to mix and mingle with the movers and shakers in Atlanta Real Estate, and I spent more money I didn’t have, all to show my dedication to someone who had yet to pay me a dime in the 2 months I have been in business with him, I was tired. And I needed a break from reality. As I drove home on 285 West, I called Joe. I remembered he said he was going to a friend’s graduation party Friday night, and I was hoping I’d be able to tag along. At the very least, I could get some drinks in my system that wasn’t cheap wine from the alcohol aisle at Target.

“Sure you can come, I’m supposed to be heading there around 9. I’ll probably go straight from work, so you’ll have to meet me on the east side.”

“I’ll make it happen,” I said. “I need to get out of the house. I’m tired of doing the same things every weekend, especially when Josiah’s gone.”

“The more the merrier,” he said. And we continued talking as I got closer to my exit. I ended up having to stop for gas. All the driving I had done today caught up to me. So I pulled over, still on the phone with Joe, for gas. Josiah was knocked out in the back of the car, and I looked down at my phone to see what time it was. I got a text back from Denny.

“Really?? I didnt even see you?!”

I quickly texted back and explained what happened. 

“Next time something like that happens, you come find me first! Got it??

“I definitely will,” I said, “I was able to find Cheryl and she said she would let you know what happened.” Denny didn’t text back after that. 

I immediately told Joe what happened. I couldn’t understand why Denny was so upset, I did show up. I just didn’t expect to lose my wallet. I wasn’t gonna wait and see how Denny could help me when the longer I stayed there the more money I would have to pay the babysitter when I finally did find my wallet. And I couldn’t play with time because I was already limited on funds. 

I was shocked. I was determined to clear things up with Denny on Saturday. I needed to know why he came at me like he had money riding on my success. Because if he did, I needed a cut. I’m suffering out here. Putting loads of wear and tear on my already-old car just so I can barely make ends meet. I can admit that I underestimated the time it could take me to make money starting out in this business and I was paying for it. I was hoping and praying for small deposits from Uber everyday just to get through the week, and I’m behind on all my bills. It would help immensely just to get $1,000 from Denny, and I know it wouldn’t hurt his pockets in the least. Not the way he talks so casually about spending tens of thousands of dollars on books. I just needed to work up the bravery to ask. Especially if he was clearly so emotionally invested in my success. What did I have to lose?

Tomorrow would be a better day. I needed to get my head together.

I went home, put Josiah to bed and went to sleep myself. I still wanted to start my day early to make up for lost time. Plus Josiah was spending the weekend with grandma so when I got home later I would have some time to think. 

I dropped off Josiah in the morning at school, and went driving immediately after. I remembered I had to work on illustrations for Bobby, so I made a note to head home around lunch time, so I could knock those out before rush hour. I had to show Denny that I was trying my best. I couldn’t hint at him sliding me any money if I had nothing to show for it.

But I was so overwhelmed. As soon as I got home I knew I didn’t want to go right back out. I lit up and lied down for a while. I needed to let my mind rest