#THATS WHY IM IN TEARS OVER THIS
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In light of me going crazy after reading #29, Allesandro posted this on Insta and it’s making me go even more crazy :)
#moon knight#moon knight comics#not art#reese moon knight#moon knight (2021)#moon knight art#Allesandro Cappuccio#jed mackay#HES WORKING ON VENGEANCE OF MOON KNIGHT RIGHT NOW#THATS WHY IM IN TEARS OVER THIS#PLEASSEEEE PLEAASSEE IM ON MY K N E E S#THEIR FRIENDSHIP MEANS SO MUCH TO ME 😭😭
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Chronically obsessed with his big brown eyes, bunny nose, and sparkly helmet 🫠
#no thoughts head empty fr#sniff sniff 😭 thats all i can think when i see his bunny nose 😭😭#idk why but im also really obsessed with the tear-offs#the rainbow chromatic sheen on them is sooooo !!!!!#well anyways see you for fp2 i guess?#i didnt realize when i was drafting this that itd be over in a couple more minutes 😭😭😭#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#2023 las vegas gp#we do a little bit of f1
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"Im not even sure anymore if we get to choose who our friends are" There is a part of me that resents you for making me a worse person than i want to be but i am inexplicably uncontrollably drawn to you. You make me a worse person which is the last thing i want yet i want you in every way. If i could leave i would. Maybe i can but i dont want to. I have fun with you. You challenge me and you captivate me and you push me and pull and run circles around me and it makes me feel like a younger man. For the price of being a worse person i get to feel truly, wholly alive. You are the blood that runs through my veins; vital, inseparable. I was reborn when i met you and you are the womb that haunts me. You are the one person on planet earth who knows me. I wish i could leave, move on and be the man im supposed to be but my heart is tied to yours in a gordian knot. There is a part of my soul that rests in yours, magnetic. For as long as i love you i cannot be better than i am. But maybe thats something i can learn to live with. Gregory House-- I think you're worth it.
#house md#james wilson#gregory house#hilson#johan being crazy about yaoi md#johan's mindpalace#Im crazy#like im tearing up#this scene is so romantic it genuinely makes me nauseous#the lowlight setting the lingering stares the soft little smile a dam thats finally broken#I need a 12 gauge bullet in the thigh#Please watch this scene screencaps do not do it near enough justice#do you know whats so genuinely actually sickening#its been months since i finished house md#and i have not watched a single show that has managed to fill even a quarter of the gaping bleeding hilson shaped hole in my heart#shows that have actual gay people actual representation and not a single one has managed to alter my brain chemistry the way hilson has#since day 1 episode 1#Like its actually nauseating a little its so over for me for the rest of my life#Like im actually never recovering#people say “they dont make xyz like they used to haha” But Guys they Genuinely dont#Im going through withdrawls#I need my yaoi cocaine so bad but my plug died 12 years ago and i cant fucking Move#House md capital of fatphobia homophobia transphobia early 2000s edgy humour outshining modern shows with actual rep like im sick#Its not even because i want to like i feel like there are worms in my brain. I feel like ratatoullie if the rat was evil#This is not what the stonewall riots were for#I feel like so nausous why couldnt i be crazy about an actual gay pairing like a normal gay person. Im gonna throwup#Why couldnt i like music and girls#Its not even that house md is objectively logically better than these shows like no. Im just crazy#Im so sick they make me so sick i feel like there are worms in my head. My head#Dont know when i will ever be onorlmal again. Sorr
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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to the day my brain was literally rewired and my gender was being changed by the second SO HERES A GAS STATION SPECIAL before this joint was even a gas station in the FIRST PLACE !!!!
FUCKING FREAK
#kommento#// theres a whole love letter in here dont open these tags it's a readmore equivalent#p4#⛽️🌫#moel gas station attendant#tohru adachi#boot.tingting#arttag#// sneak peak before the manager became a manager and only put the uniform on to see how well it would fit and hasnt taken it off since.#// im tearing up because i hate how it's been three years and also i cant find the other notebook so i went through gphotos instead#// also that i miss blorbo so much i miss my old self so much she was so sweet and genuine and the passion and love and everything#// STUPID SEQUENCE OF PHOTOS the way my brain was so fucking rearranged i had to get up and make memes and take screenshots and then#// draw then COME BACK AGAIN to watch the thing that changed my life forever. AGAIN#// sorry was having technical difficluties in yokohama im back istok im normal (affirmation )#// this is literally all me before i started thinking about myself and wondering about my gender then the dysphoria came rushing in like#// some freshwater spring about to make a waterfall and i had to let it settle and get used to the ecosystem with two more years#// took a month where p4gsteam was booted up and i made my own save at some point and finished it on july 8#// clasped my hands and had a honeymoon period over. mimi <3 then the day after rolled around and i watched the .chair car adventure#// literally my first p4 doodles were mimi and adachi theres no fucking denying it theyre the og. theyve been with me from the start#// theyre so important to me theyre so personal they made me who i am thats why im so mad with the community i have to share them with#// because theyre all so different from me and i took that personally#// IT'S KOKAY !! look at how far ive gone. this is the biggest archival effort ive ever done my entire life ive grown branches#// farther than ive done before ive put such a variety of skills to use just to make myself food and manage this damn station#// and keep some sort of love alive which was all from me and is still from ME !!!#// crying while writing these tags now sorry okyakusan i'll clean it up soon#// these doodles really explaining my mindset from the start and how the grindset has never really changed at all#// it was all friendship for three years and still will be i love adachi i love gas station attendant so much THERE I'M SAYING IT#// cherry on top friend just dm'd me to get an actual job at a gas station IM SHITTING MYSELF#// happy anniversary to my genderest best friend and the most problematic uncle ive ever had#// we're all holding hands and theyre treating me to topsicles because it's all i could ever shamelessly want
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im literally incapable of setting small goals so i get sad when i dont accomplish them. theyre insane shit like "fully craft 12 songs as a self-taught musician playing every single instrument and recording entirely by yourself AND do it all within the span of three weeks." like BRO??? did I know I can just make one or two. its ok. hold my hands....
#but the problem is i get 75 percent done with one song and then im like already over it im like ok time for the next one#like bro....... CHILL#OR i'll like pour my life blood sweat and tears into some shit and then listen to it back and be like#mmm... derivative. mediocre. Simply Lackluster#what do I want from me!!!!!#its about the joy of creation. Bitch#thats literally my life philosophy why am i forgetting her when i need her most#tomorrow im locking myself in my room and im only allowed to work on one garagebandTM project file until its DONE#to the fullest extent that a DIY garageband song recorded on my laptop can be done#IDK IDK im used to going big or going home i dont know how to be normal when i had an assignment to make a comic i made it 100 pages#SELF INFLICTED#i have to turn normal now
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why does it have to be this way
#Why#I was doing so good this past year#There were times I was literally crying tears of joy because I haven’t felt as happy as I was in years#Now shit’s coming back and I don’t like it#Every fucking time man#“Well life is supposed to have its ups and downs” HAVE YOUVE WENT THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH#summer through all the way to the end of 2023 was one of two of the most miserable times I ever went through#I was almost never happy#Had cheap laughs for like 20 minutes then back to misery#There wasn’t a single day were I didn’t wish i was dead#Literally I would wake up and i immediately wanted to start crying#Thats how bad things were#You could see it in my face how lonely and miserable i was#I hadnt felt that empty for like a good few years since then#It was to the point where I thought there was never going to be light in my life ever again#I went through some fucked up shit and now im traumatized 10x more then i was before#The first day of school was a weak after some extremely traumatic stuff happened man#Then the new year started and everything was starting to get better#I started taking medication#I was much more happier#My self esteem boosted up#I started working on myself and became a better person#I dont think i ever had a period of my life where i felt THAT BETTER#Like I said i was crying because I had felt a massive weight lifted off my shoulders#It literally felt like i saw the light#I legitimately thought things were getting truly getting better#It’s just gonna be the same damn cycle over and over again huh?#For several months I feel depressed as shit#Then for a few months things start to clear up#Then suddenly and abruptly things go back to the shit
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its always morally correct to wish death on your ex
#personal#my posts#i am actually doing Generally okay with all of this#i fucking hate him and i hope he dies. but jm okay#im having these weird mixed emotions#i cried twice today in second period but like. im laugjing more#and i keot sayibg i wanted to drop them all anyways#i guess they did it for me?#still hurts more than anythinf#“i loved him” if yoy did then why did you break up with me lol#“oh maybe we can try agaib one day” we Both know thats only happening if i reach out first#youdidnt care enough to text after months until i did it first#but honestly im trying my best not tk think about it because being upset is what he wants from me#imnot govinf him that. im not feeling bad over something he caused#i hate him and i hope he dies. but its okay#maybe kne day i can be hashtag normak enough to talk tk him without bursting into tears#hes really sayinghow imade himfeel fuckcjing manajic wheni had panic attacks because the guy who sits across from me#in art class looks lile him#like ughhow fo you not see what you did to me! you caused the worst 3 months of my life. thanks i guess...#but i find it hard tj care seeing as im always second best#i knownyou like that fucking guy better than you ever liked me#but it wouldve been nice if you ag least tried to hide it#all of that said. i might be okat
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Astarion really taking a page out of Mary Shelley's book by initiating romantic happenings over his grave.
#bg3#bg3 spoilers#but also me on the verge of tears watching him grieve over giving up the opportunity for absolute power#the realization that if he took it then it would be killing the person he had finally started building away from his abuser#that intertwing complexity of wanting to make all his own decisions but when the ultimate choice came he still had to be persuaded by tav#that 'thats what you want right?' line to tav about taking the power of acendence piereced my heart because thats such a familiar feeling:#thinking you're doing this all for the person who believed in you but realizing that doing that isnt fundamentally different than before#and that the choice you want will destory your entire identity as you understand it#anyway i still need to level up more because fucking hell i was the same level as cazador and he wrecked me 5 times before i beat him#and lae'zel is currently trapped behind a level 16 boss that basically 2-3 turn total party wipes me rn#will say im really annoyed at how fast orin comes after one of your camp members when youre doing the logical flow of the game#like cant this wait until ive at least exolored more than 50% of the lower city?#why does going into the elfsong taverns basement for a quest (not even down to the emperors lair) trigger this?#its gonna probably be like 10-20 more hours of gameplay before i can even attempt a rescue mission now#late night ramblings
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...
#listen. sometimes. when i get emails pertaining to a specific project i worked on that nearly broke my brain. i just stop what im doing#and start playing Losing My Religion by REM. and i wish the person emailing me could see me face down at a table listening to thay song#mostly its fine. its just when someones trying to manage the data files so i kno im gonna have to go back thru and update my code#for a bunch of tiny stuff and its like: does this sound ok? and i just dont care so much that i want to start screaming#and then at the end of the day i hike up a fucking mountain going over what im gonna tell a therapist when my insurance switches#and im gonna say it in a way thats v calm and agreeable but i want to scream and tear my hair out. or maybe i wont b agreeable. i wasnt#last time i was in a therapist office but that guy deserved it and i wasn't being that bad#ugh. im just mad bc working on my stuff makes me so miserable that when i stop its like wow im no longer in agony. cool#coool. fun times. becoming increasingly apprehensive abt how im gonna try to b more healthy abt working while taking on triple#the responsibility with a phd project and being a student and being a TA. i mean. ill try but its gonna b fucking interesting#ugh. had to bust out the burnout playlist. which like. when u try to look at other ppls burnout playlists they all suck#theyre all like former gifted kid burnout Playlists and im like fuckkk offfff. why do u not have the incredibly specific vibes that im#looking for? i just demand the perfect burnout playlist and somehow nobody puts No Surprises on there#like what??? y not? its a song abt being so totally saturated that youve had enough. a heart thats full up like a landfill. a job that#slowly kills u. bruises that wont heal. how is it not THE burnout song? but whatever. i listen to too much radi0head.#ugh. but now my burnout playlist is becoming too much like my My Brain Doesnt Feel Too Good playlist#listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me#unrelated
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Events of last night:
Me: *crying*
My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(
Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful
My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.
#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious#thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt#and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd#it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense#but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like#where as me and her obsess much more over morality#like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information#we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people#or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate#like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*)#they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers#theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person.#but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out#but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either#like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are#and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare#sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep.#sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done#sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me?#i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real#i guess what it kinda comes to do is#would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions#all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm#you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of#OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them.#trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world#your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen#theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed#your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for#instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed
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the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am
#horse.txt#vent //#sort of. too high to be sad abt it im in anthropology mode and listening to music that makes me feel sexy so its fine yk#anyway i typed a whole bunch of other tags talking abt how and why i feel this way by going through a few of the events i can remember#from my childhood that Might explain why im so emotionally guarded and struggle to open up anymore.#bc i Wanted to say they all felt dumb and juvenile esp since ive actually like#made peace with most of the ppl who were involved with them#but the Anthropology mode was just tearing it all down as i typed it bc that Is just a ridiculous way to look at it no matter how you cut it#doesn't matter that nobody involved really Meant to deal that kind of harm and i dont need to hate or blame anyone in order to acknowledge#that it still just Happened. like thats a Memory already babe no do overs.#which is kind of just accidental therapy so sick. love that fir me genuinely!#but also yes theres the bitch part of me that still wants to discredit it bc acknowledging that it happened =/= Fixing My Issues#so im still at square one technically. ive just been pacing in circles on it for a while ig#EVEN WORSE that the Scale of my issues is so incredibly mundane compared to so many of the people i seem to meet.#sitting in bed crying abt not having friends for a few days in elementary school when other ppl have jojos bizarre adventure levels of Lore#i know im not technically invalid for feeling the way i do or anything but god. if it doesn't feel fucking Embarrassing to open up about😭#its impossible NOT to feel stupid and sensitive for having these first world ass problems. And letting them hold me back#bc ppl not liking me for any reason makes me sooooooooo fucking scared So fucking scared its not even funny 😝#at least. ppl in my Circles. im pretty ok about being assertive with randos#still some work to be done on it but its better than whatevers going on with my personal relationships rn#sincerely to my mutuals and loved ones who see this i swear to GOD i love you so so so fucking much and im so. im trying to figure out this#the stuff thats got me so distant and bad at keeping in touch. its a whole slew of feelings about how i see Myself--not yall#i double pinky promise cross my heart im extremely serious#thank you for being patient with me you mean more to me than im capable of putting into words right now#alright theres a shot of tears in the hollow of my collar bone time to wrap up this post#daily reminder that i love body hair. there's some honesty.#😎😎😎💪💪💪#the Quaritch under the cut is just to make me feel better bc i love him and i think hes so pretty. hes like a security blanket
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hello, i'm finally distancing myself from mcyt :]
it's been really fun!! i loved drawing for everyone, for my interest and esp just interacting with you all. this fandom brought me my friends and different experiences and emotions that are rly unforgettable but i think it's time. thank you for everything, i appreciate you all! ♡♡ pls do stay safe and take care of yourselves!
(my art will remain here ofc but i will most likely be turning this blog into how it was before, multifandom, personal and just a bunch of whatever!)
#the shorter version is the post#ill be here in the tags to talk more :]#honestly im pretty grey on the situation and im just rly waiting for whats gonna happen#thats not why im leaving (mostly) i think its abt time to accept im getting tired of how the experience is of being a drm stan#i loved the man i rly do hes been with me for the entire pandemic him and his videos helped me get through it#but its kind of a bummer that just by being a fan u get exposed to antis and their nonstop scheme of just starting up shit#and that everytime something new comes up you keep hoping its just an accusation but at the same time u feel terrible and anxious anyway#ive alrdy distanced myself from twt and by extension even tumblr bc i thought if i just keep drawing and not looking at my socials those#dramas wont reach me (they still do and it sucks lol but i did get a peace of mind just being free of social media)#at some point i started losing interest in mcyt in general the only thing keeping me was drm not even mccs nor other ccs rly just drm#but then recent thing happened and yeah :/ idk what to think im lost and honestly just tired of stuff like this#thats the final straw i think i dont rly want my mental health tearing up over whether to worry abt things i alrdy stress over abt (w the#college and family stuff) and freaking minecraft youtubers fandom#i think whatever the outcome is im just over it if drm comes out innocent i dont think i can let go of him yet#so ill prob still be checking up on hm and watching him by myself#if not then thats that.#stilli cant deny the fact that it rly has been an amazing two almost three years#i hope you all stay safe and takecare of yourselves ♡#if anyone still wants to see my art im just hanging out in my onepiece sideblog lol @/luffysbasement
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fuck are you looking at. bitch.
#snap chats#i refuse to change my twitter headeri cant find any picture thats better than the goat himself gettin smacked by a monkey#also yeah my pfp IS the same on twitter i love this cap of hiji too much to tear my eyes away from it for more than three seconds#katsu's already my pfp on my priv#bestie said she thought my pfp was me but with beard make up on and i 💀 and then i doubled down ig LMAOOOO#IT USED TO BE A DIFF PIC OF KATSU BUT NOW IT'S JUST THE ONE WHERE HE'S DOING HIS NASTY LITTLE GOBLIN SMIRK#'snap whys your twitter in japanese' because my dad said that we were only going to speak in nihongo to each other#so we could go to japan next year and he was probably not SUPER cereal about it but i need to prepare#if my dad comes over this weekend and he dead ass says おはようございます im going to shit myself#what the fuck are these tags#anyways i finished one of two of the comms i have to do but im so tired so ima just hang out#i get to be a part of an experiment tomorrow. for $25 hehe i love money incentives
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i hate being alive in this day and age everything around me is falling apart and dying but i cant do anything about it and i cant get any help for my own self falling apart and dying because everyond is too husy either surviving or living an actual life with friends and partners and shit
#nobody talks to me about anything other than education or work and every time i have to choke back tears#thats it my life is over before it could even start#im alone no friends acquaintances anything the rest of my life will be mothing but work#backbreaking labor#because im too dumb for university#im too fucked up to make friends#too fucked up to maintain the extremely few relationships i still have#why would anyone want to live like this#this isnt even touching on how ill never be able to transition or get my fucked up broken brain medicated
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.
#god i still just hopelessly love him nd it hurts me so fucking badly#im still in love#head over heels for him#and thats what makes it all hurt the fucking most#ive loved him completely this whole time and as much as i was avoiding it because i do love him#i watch him fall out of love with me#become more distant... ignoring me more.. forgetting about me#and that really fucking hurts...i knew i love him.. i still do. but he stopped loving me#and i still barely understand why... i thoufht i was doing everything right and trying my best.. i changed and learn#it was the first time someone has ever loved me like that... first time ive loved anyone like that#and now its gone.. and im still in love and he isnt#and i just dont understand why#the only times i ever questioned if iur relationship would end wasnt because i was worried that i didnt love him.. i know i do...#i was just so scared i would do something that would make him leave#or that he would lose interest cause maybe i wasnt doing enough#and im not fully sure what i did it was just him... not being in love anymore#makes me want to tear my face off and never look at anything again#vent
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