They’re so bad(boys)!!

it kinda hit me today that the main reason I'm so done with the "romantasy" and fairy tale retellings trends are that I'm just so tired of the same few plots being recycled over and over. and like, i know a lot of people are still into those and I'm not trying to rain on anybody's parade bc there are definitely plots and tropes I will endlessly shove into my brain!! but it's just wearing on me a lot that the same handful of fairy tales and Greek myths are being spat out again and again, with a different setting and a different romantic lead and hey maybe sometimes it's queer but it's still the same thing. a lot of times especially in YA it's basically a retelling of the fucking Disney movie.

like, unless you've deconstructed a fairy tale and broken it down to it's component parts and researched it heavily and built it back up as something you have to think about for a while to pick the fairy tale out of, I'm not really interested anymore. give me more Jane Yolen Briar Rose, hell even more Pamela Dean Tam Lin even though I was kinda on the fence about that one. I want thinkers, man.

hear me out on this one

The finished result 😁

I know we passed around that post of the simulation novelization with Sisko recognizing Julian's hesitation to leave Garak as what he felt for Jennifer, but did they ever talk about it? I don't think Julian ever told Garak honestly- how could you tell someone that, someone you aren't supposed to trust, someone you know can take things and throw them back in your face- but did Sisko ever talk about that moment of self recognition?

so I learned today that my dissertation that I thought I monumentally fucked up actually got the highest mark I could have achieved, and I am now the proud owner of a master's degree, and I may be getting fucking published, and a year's worth of tension and stress is finally starting to seep out of my body, and my nervous system can maybe have another fighting chance at regulating (unlikely), but—

The first thing my friends and family said to me was "proud of you!" and in the same breath they all, independently, said "you better also be proud of yourself" and then my mother said "your happiness always seems to be short-lived and fleeting, why is that?" and then she hit me with a "you stress yourself out to the point of illness and work yourself crazy only to enjoy none of the results" and—

boy howdy was I at a loss for words because she's right and i hate hearing my close friends and family echo the same sentiment of: I simply do not allow myself to enjoy any fruits of my labor???? I will bleed myself dry for validation and achievement and praise and love and then feel completely fucking insane for even wanting it in the first place.

It's why I stopped writing, why I abandoned so many threads. I wasn't getting any validation. I felt totally worthless.

and then I feel depths of shame previously unexplored at my Big Age for wanting some rest and peace (ironic that i beat myself up for wanting to recharge after I literally studied psych and wellbeing and the importance of rest!!).

I guess I just feel selfish for wanting to celebrate myself sometimes. And feel unable to be happy for myself because I hate boasting. So I'm going to hold myself accountable and say that I'm proud of all I've overcome to get to this point in my life, a point I did not anticipate being at 5 years ago, or even a year ago.

Onwards and upwards. 💛

p.s. I could not have finished that fucking dissertation without the emotional support of the gazillion rwrb fics I read throughout my writing process. I genuinely used ao3 as a coping mechanism and a rewards system for me to power through what was probably the hardest year of my life (for many reasons beyond academic).

to all of my writer/creator/artist/friend mutuals and the general rwrb fic/art community (I know you won't see this but i love you all the same), please know that any gratitude I express will never be enough. if I've ever screamed in your inbox or comments sections, know that it comes from a place of deep, genuine, at times debilitating emotion. y'all literally kept me afloat during some of the worst months of my life. You continue to keep me afloat. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I know your words, and that is a privilege.

we’re back to editing again🚶

these are all piled together in the same part of my brain and i’m so obsessed with it

The worst thing about skin picking disorder is that no sensory toy or whatever can perfectly replicate that feeling. It's not just about scratching or plucking or popping something with my fingers or a tool, it's about feeling it come off my skin. Like I wanna feel both ends of it, and a toy can't replace that

trans flags color picked from ying’s mermaid and street style skins :)

the number of transmutation charges alone that Ddrysien has cost me as i attempt to find a look i like for her...

Possibly an unpopular opinion but I personally think sqq is the most "morally white" main mxtx character

Just from a design standpoint, it's very disappointing that all the folks with bright, light color schemes (Yang, Weiss, Sun, etc) are also light skinned when it would be best to make them dark skinned - Sun and Yang especially given how little representation dark skinned Asians have

By doing this, Yang would finally be free of those awful brown slops of outfits while Sun and Weiss would stop disappearing into their white clothes because ☆~contrast~☆ would finally exist

So tired of this week. And it’s only Wednesday