#Percy Courtenay
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Today is National Drink Wine Day, so unwind with a glass or two of your favorite vintage, just like these chaRActers. 🍷
#richard armitage#Drink Wine Day#February 18#Lorenzo Quart#Percy Courtenay#Paul Andrews#Daniel Miller#Mikhail Astrov#William Farrow#John Thornton
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Happy International Women's Day
#international women's day#Richard Armitage#John Porter#Percy Courtenay#John Thornton#riepu10#my RA gifs
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Raiding my gif folder 32/?
↪ chaRActer scoundrels
Claude Becker ~ Ocean's 8 / Paul Andrews ~ Between the Sheets / John Mulligan ~ Moving On / Guy of Gisborne ~ Robin Hood / Percy Courtenay ~ Miss Marie Lloyd
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Margaret of Anjou had the most intimate interest in the wedding in 1456 of her kinswoman, Marie, daughter of Charles, count of Maine, to Thomas Courtenay, the son and heir of the earl of Devon. That this was a court-contracted marriage is suggested by the fact that Marie's wedding gown was supplied by the king's Great Wardrobe [...] The second notable marriage of 1457 to be arranged at court was that between the king's cousin, Margaret Beaufort, countess of Richmond, and her third husband, Henry Stafford, second son of the duke of Buckingham. This additional bond among the king's blood relatives buttressed the Lancastrian regime and the royal family at a time when the survival of the dynasty rested on the young shoulders of Prince Edward, the only son and heir of King Henry VI and Queen Margaret.
— Ralph A. Griffiths, "The King's Court during the Wars of the Roses" | King and Country: England and Wales in the Fifteenth Century
It is, indeed, a striking fact that no aristocratic marriages of comparable significance took place outside the court circle in these crucial years before the onset of civil war. Most — if not all — of those that did take place were probably discussed at court among magnates — Staffords, Courtenays, Beauforts, Talbots, Berkeleys, Butlers, Greys and Percies — who were loyal to the house of Lancaster and prominent at King Henry's court.
#crazy how henry vii might've had stafford siblings#this is why the duke of buckingham was#margaret beaufort's nephew by marriage#also thomas courtenay was beaufort by blood#historicwomendaily#margaret beaufort#henry vi#margaret of anjou#thomas courtenay 14th earl of devon#marie of anjou countess of devon#historian: ralph a. griffiths
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Born on August 9, 1386, in the tower above the gatehouse of Monmouth Castle (for that reason sometimes called Henry of Monmouth), Henry V (son of Henry IV, grandson of John of Gaunt and great-grandson of Edward III), was King of England from 1413 until his death at the age of 36. He was the second English monarch of the House of Lancaster.
In his youth, Henry gained military experience fighting the Welsh during the revolt of Owain Glyndŵr, and against the powerful aristocratic House of Percy of Northumberland at the Battle of Shrewsbury. Though he later came into political conflict with his father, Henry IV, whose health was increasingly precarious from 1405 onwards, and had consequently started to withdraw from government functions.
After his father's death, Henry assumed control of the country, asserted the pending English claims to the French throne, and embarked on war with France in the ongoing Hundred Years' War; his military successes culminating in his famous victory at the Battle of Agincourt of 1415.
Henry died on August 31, 1422, at Château de Vincennes, France. He rests in Westminster Abbey. By his request, he shared his grave with his friend Richard Courtenay, rather than his wife.
Depicted: Henry V (National Portrait Gallery)
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What if Elizabeth of henry vii and York don't have a son back? Furthermore, what if they don't have children? (Maybe Henry would like the legitimate illegitimate son of the third Duke of Somerset to marry Cecily of York and make him the heir ...)
If he doesn't have kids then it's a disaster to the extent that Henry VII might not survive his reign or might attempt a divorce with Elizabeth of York (or maybe even the reverse). Richard III could have survived Bosworth is his son was alive.
I really don't think he would have promoted Somerset because a bastard of a bastard line don't stand much chance. I think that plan B was shown quite early by Henry VII: he married his uncle to Cecily of York, so I think he would have pushed them or their descent to the throne. The problem is they had none. So after that, speculating that Henry VII is still alive, I think he would have two main choices which are:
Edward Stafford, duke of Buckingham. Pros: rich and a HUGE landowner; prestigious from an ancient line who descent from Edward III through two lines; very connected in the peerage (Percies, Woodvilles, etc...).
The Courtenays because the Earl's son is the only other one who had children with a daughter of Edward IV. Less powerful, less connected but they are still important and they have the Yorkist connection that Edward Stafford lack.
What would Henry VII do? I do not know. It's quite possible he would act like his grandaughter Elizabeth: not chose, and play each faction against the other. So his choice of successor would depend on events. What does Stafford and Courtenay do? On our history, the Courtenays did plot against Henry VII with Edmund de la Pole. Maybe they would openly rebel or, on the contrary, be very loyal to hope Henry VII would name them. The same goes for the de la Poles.
So, we have no idea. Also, what Henry VII decided didn't matter that much after he die. His predecessor and successor made successoral arrangement that weren't respected by political actors.
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legend of vox machina season 2 episode 11: Belly of the Beast OR I said what what
"you came up here to sleep with your daughter" "I feel like I wouldn't have let it get that far??" you didn't know shit, scanlan, you 100% would have
not the flogger having an actual emotional significance
HOLD UP. WAIT. ZOOM AND ENHANCE.
kaylie: >:|
"burt?!"
you've heard of immovable rod get ready for immovable sword
of course scanlan knows how to slip ropes like that
MA'AM
leave him ALONE
"why does your keg say 'for animal consumption only'?" grog's drinking ivermectin
I do like the gold-amber-red gradient on the little fate thread
YOU'D BEST START BELIEVING IN GHOST STORIES
not the campaign 1 death roll
me @ the raven queen:
scanlan looking all despondent :(
like it's an amazing pose/expression, just. :(
the fact that vax really does see scanlan as like a big brother advice-giving type (which is maybe a little bit of liam and sam bleeding through but hey)
thordak: BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY
flashback to mica talking about thordak as a shitty dad
so that's cabal's ruin she's wearing, right? or is she gonna pick that up between now and glintshore
background goliath: "this better be good or I'm killin' something" also me whenever I have to have a conversation first thing in the morning
"please god tell me this is a metaphor"
"we need a good plan" "so…do you have one?" "have one what"
big "it's time for plan b" "do we have a plan b?" "no but it's time for one" energy
keyleth failing six stealth checks in a row
"I put you in this place" technically that was percy
"do not go far from me" HEY. NO. SHUT UP.
this whole thing originally took place post-thordak, after the timeskip when percy had a temple to the raven queen built in whitestone
"this isn't something we have to talk about now. or ever, honestly." mood
"it always matters"
"don't let him get away" I regret to inform you that that is in fact the one thing he will actually do
roommate: is that blood?
me: yyyyup
roommate, with feeling: gross
"take the plunge" I feel like he maybe wasn't being quite this literal, vax
the coffin pose was not necessary, you dramatic ass
I had to look this up, this is Courtenay Taylor as the Raven Queen, which knocked me 100% for a loop
like. jack masseffect? female soul survivor? in my critical role??
there are six fate threads connected to vax, one for each of the other party members
lays in the floor about it
ngl I did have An Emotion about "all the living share one experience"
I also like the idea that RQ has been scouting vax this whole time, even before the temple
also one of those priestesses was liev'tel and I will not be convinced otherwise
"whose blood is that?!"
and now vax is a born-again
"you…dig…there"
the little "dig" gesture
"he's not very smart, is he?"
interrogating the axe
scanlan really is tryingggggg
it's so hard watching this and knowing where scanlan's character arc ends up and just wanting him to be there Now
(someone on the tag made the point that stream!scanlan played everything as a joke until suddenly demanding to be taken seriously, which was a big cause of everyone's confusion and upset in ep. 85, because he really hadn't earned that kind of pathos. this arc is much more satisfying to watch bc we can see those pieces falling into place in real time, instead of having future events informing them in hindsight.)
they can feel the heat from that fire in the next city
petition for that specific pitch to be removed from everyone's sound libraries forever
passive perception too strong pls nerf
quick someone cast fairy fire
this is going to be an extremely weird sentence but I enjoy what they've done with environmental blood splatter this season
vorugal's ice blasts, umbrasyl's invisible stomps, they're just good
"I found out I'm the champion of the Matron of Ravens" "I found out I'm a father" "…you win"
the little look down at "the other way"
plus vax's face after
DRAGON HADOUKEN
the pupil dilation
"I didn't actually think this would work!" "it really shouldn't have"
"you leave when Scanlan Shorthalt TELLS you to leave"
love that the broom drop fastball special is just their signiature move now
(are there people having the same reaction to finding out Grog and Vex are married that I did to finding out Roy Mustang and Lust are married)
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right back at you: 8 and 11 for the fanfic asks ♥
8. Is there a story idea in your mental vault that you’ve never been brave enough to try writing? Is this the year? Can you tell us about it?
I've had ideas for two stories that I guess would be called family sagas or multi-generational mysteries (similar to Kate Morton's novels, but ones I'd actually love), which would transpose the late Plantagenets onto a more modern setting (probably not dating back further than the Victorian era), like Susan Howatch's novels. One would centre on Alice Perrers, Eleanor Cobham and probably Elizabeth Woodville, drawing on the parallels between their lives and setting them up to investigate the mystery of each other's lives and falls. The other idea (which I've had multiple iterations of) would focus on a queer line of descent from Edward II to Richard II to Henry V.
There are various reasons why I'm not writing them but the main one is the sheer scope. The amount of research I'd do - firstly to nail the characters and events, then to nail the new setting. The amount of plotting and character development and family trees I'd need to produce to keep everything straight. And just the imagined sheer bloody length of the finished book. It's just... really intimidating to even thinking of the time and effort involved. But I love to think about them.
11. Would you like to try any new fanfic genres or tropes this year?
I'd like to get unabashedly weirder and hornier in my writing (the WIP I'm currently working on suggests I might be off to a good start). Which isn't really a genre or a trope and I have written weird and horny things before. There are things I've been playing with writing for a time that I've not posted before - a mystery-story-with-trauma-plot for Richard Courtenay, a mummy issues fic centred on Philippa of England, a story about canon period Hal figuring out his sexuality. But I've got some things already written for these stories so they're not new to me.
One thing that would be new to me is if I write a fic about Joan of Navarre and Philippa going on a pilgrimage to Canterbury Cathedral against the backdrop of the Percy rebellion in 1403. My first roadtrip fic, my first pilgrimage fic (it's totally a genre, just ask Chaucer) and my first stepmother-stepdaughter bonding fic!
fanfic asks for the new year | ask box
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Episode 11: The Belly of The Beast.
It's been a minute since we had ourselves a good old fashioned monster movie. New ideas are fun, but the classics are classics for a reason. Lights are going down!
The Good.
The Shorthalts.
For a split second, I thought they might've actually changed Kaylie's mom's name to Leia: just for the tiniest second. Kaylie's face and Scanlan's "Are you sure?" are just the cherry on top of that sequence.
Aisling Franciosi gives an almost surprisingly heart breaking performance as Kaylie here. You can feel how broken up she is, how she's been wanting to tell Scanlan all this for a while....but you don't just feel her anger; you feel her hurt. A lesser performance could've made this scene a joke, but she pulls it off fantastically.
Vax And The Matron.
During Vax's super creepy vision, we start to get more of an idea of what the Queen wants. Until this episode, if you didn't already know her deal, you might guess she was furious with Vax: seeking compensation for his taking her Champion's armor and Vex's life being spared. But when the dead call out to Vax, it's the first indication of her motivations. It also tells us that she's not a spiteful, vengeful creature. This flows into the encounter later in the episode and helps set the tone for said encounter nicely.
Also it's just good to be reminded of these characters. Makes their deaths seem like they matter.
Vex is sneaky as hell, and Keyleth is still adorable. The talk the two have while Vax is communing is a nice cap-off to the tension between them in Season One. Vex has been kinder to Keyleth in general, but Vex effectively giving Vax and Keyleth's romance her blessing is a tangible example of her character development.
The New Champion.
There is no end of good to say about Vax's communion with the Raven Queen: the temple and the goddess herself are jaw-droppingly gorgeous to look at, and the buildup wherein her priestesses lead Vax into the temple is suitably spooky without coming across as hostile. But I think what gets me the most is the tone is just right. This sequence could've easily read like she was trying to manipulate him: playing nice when they both know she's got him over a barrel. But just like in the stream, the Queen is gentle and soothing, as if she knows how terrifying she can come across, and is trying not to spook a man who already knows the terror of impending grief. The moment shared between them feels like a balm on a burn. Courtenay Taylor gives an indescribably splendid performance as the Matron; we're two for two in most excellent goddess portrayals.
I love that they gave Vex a reaction to Vax coming out covered in blood. Even in this world of magic and monsters, some things are still weird. And it was a nice touch to have the area look gloomy as hell when Vax initially approached it, but the day is sunny and hopeful after Vax has made his peace with the Matron.
Umbrasyl.
This bit with Percy and the Goliaths is a better version of what they tried to pull with him in the Fey Wild.
The trap and the trigger. Percy and Vex: the clever ones.
That acid breath is, as always, horrific. That disembodied mouth opening up in the air, dripping with neon green, the invisble belly scales coated with blood....Mm! That's a visual.
All of this is nasty in the best ways, so I don't know why that acid on the back of Keyleth's ankle gets me so much. It's such a small thing. Maybe because it reminds me of every blister I've ever had. Whatever the case, it always makes me flinch when I see it.
I almost couldn't believe they were actually going to perform dragon proctology to get Scanlan and Vax in there when I saw it in the trailer. I don't know why. But in hindsight...of course that's what they did. Of course. Why did I question that?
And we end on the same beautifully unresolved cliffhanger that the stream did. No notes.
The Bad. (Or at least, the not great.)
World Building
Again, I have to whine about world-building here.
In DnD and the original Critical Role stream, all these characters had differing lifespans. Keyleth could live for thousands of years. The half-elves could live around 200 years. Percy could live a human lifespan. Grog's lifespan would be slightly shorter than Percy's. The Gnomes, however, could live up to 500 years, during most of which they would maintain their youth.
In other words, Scanlan is more than likely beyond old enough to have a grown daughter, despite still looking somewhat young. However, because the show never makes this clear to people who didn't watch the stream or aren't familiar with DnD, Kaylie's whole storyline is more confused than it should be.
Similarly, what's the deal with the Raven Queen's temple in Westruun? Is she special to this town in particular? Does every god of Exandria have a temple in this town? What's the deal?
In the stream, the town had a temple ward, which boasted multiple religious sites dedicated to various gods. This was where Vax originally went to commune with the Raven Queen, but because the show takes liberties with the stream events and it's never established in this episode, we don't know if that's the case here.
I want to know!!
Dr. Dranzel
Originally Scanlan had traveled with Dr. Dranzel's troupe after losing his only family. Here, they elected that the two had no connection to each other, and while I respect that change, I don't understand their reasoning.
Sam said on the watch-along that they eschewed the original connection because it would've taken attention away from Kaylie when we first met her, as we meet both her and the troupe together.
That explanation...feels like throwing the baby out with the bathwater, frankly. Again, I respect the choice, but it would've been easy to include that part of Scanlan's backstory and give Kaylie her moment. When she's leaving in this episode, have Scanlan take Dranzel aside, confirm their connection, and ask him to watch after Kaylie. This keeps their relationship, gives Kaylie her moment, gives Scanlan a little depth, and establishes the troupe is, while not malicious, definitely sketchy in some way if they try to keep the knowledge of who knows who on the down low.
Nitpicks
I'm unsure how I feel about Scanlan being trussed up during his confrontation with Kaylie. It adds cringe-inducing sleaze, for sure. On the other hand, it meant more when Scanlan refused to fight back in the original because he was free and capable of doing so. It doesn't mean much for him to not try to resist when he physically can't. Similarly, in the original, Kaylie was seeking a duel. Feels like it gives her more if she was giving him the chance to fight back.
~*~
This is probably just a me thing, as I saw a few reactors get this right away, but I would've had the shot of the ruined temple be from over Vax's shoulder. That makes it clear what we see is the temple he just stepped out of. I thought it was a different shot of the outside at first.
~*~
They could've set up the sword better. In the original, the item Scanlan and Vax used to try to hold down the dragon was called the "Immovable Rod"; it did...about what you'd expect. They couldn't use that name because of copywrite, but since the sword doesn't have a name that spells out what it does, it's hard to see why Scanlan thought it would be enough to hold down the dragon. A throwaway line from him about "Oh, I recognize this enchantment! It can hold down such-and-such pounds of weight!" would've clarified things for the audience.
~*~
Having Vax yell "What the hell do you want from me!?" right after we very clearly hear the dead begging him to usher them into the great beyond makes for an unintentionally awkward juxtaposition.
~*~
I don't really get the small convo Vax and Scanlan have before they enter the dragon. Everybody's out there on the field fighting the dragon; why is it weird that Scanlan is too? Feels like a really contrived lead-in to the "you win" bit. Also, we could've had a little more variety in terms of Umbrasyl's lines.
And that's it for the penultimate episode. Only one more to go this season.
#critical role#the legend of vox machina#tlovm#tlovm s2#s2e11#scanlan shorthalt#vax'ildan#vex'halia#grog strongjaw#pike trickfoot#percy de rolo#keyleth#kaylie shorthalt#Umbrasyl#the matron of ravens#matt mercer#travis willingham#taliesin jaffe#liam o'brien#ashley johnson#marisha ray#sam riegel#laura bailey#aisling franciosi#Courtenay Taylor#titmouse#improvements to awesomeness#the legend of vox machina review#the legend of vox machina season 2 review#the belly of the beast
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the unyieldling bodement , princess elizabeth of england , daughter of anne boleyn
penned by velvet. for bloodydayshq
BULLETPOINTS:
name: elizabeth tudor
age/dob: twenty five / 5th may 1534
status/rank: princess of england
country of origin: england
place of birth: the palace of placentia, england
birth order: she is her father’s fourth child, her mother’s second - her brother edward being only a few months younger than her
mother & father: queen anne boleyn & king henry tudor viii ✟
siblings: duke henry fitzroy of richmond ✟ (illegitimate), queen mary of spain, king william iii of england, edward seymour (illegitimate, unknown)
sexuality: bisexual
horoscope: taurus
virtues: earnest, alleviating, enlightened
vices: opinionated, impulsive, domineering
marital status: n/a
issue: n/a
alliance(s): king william iii, the reformation, the boleyn family
adversaries: the seymour family, strict anti-reformist courtiers, spain
TIMELINE:
1534 — Born in Palace of Placentia to Anne Boleyn, named after her grandmothers Elizabeth of York & Lady Elizabeth Howard, her godparents were Thomas Cranmer, Henry Courtenay, Elizabeth Strafford & Margaret Wotton
1536 — Moved to Hatfield House for her safety & education after the death of Katherine of Aragon, her mother suffers a stillborn son and Jane Seymour gives birth to a son, Edward
1537 — Edward, Thomas & Jane Seymour are beheaded to secure the rumours around William & Elizabeth’s legitimacy
1538 — Mary Tudor returns to court and marries Philip of Spain, leaving England
1439 — Her first summer is spent at Hever Castle
1545 — A warrant for the arrest of Anne Boleyn is signed, but her death is only just dodged. Elizabeth remains at Hatfield House, but by the end of the year begins to travel to Greenwich Palace and Hampton Court on occasion to see her parents
1557 — King Henry VIII dies, followed by William (her older brother) as the next King of England, Elizabeth moves to court to join her brother’s coronation and present herself as no longer daughter but sister
1559 — Anne Boleyn marries Thomas Wyatt, Elizabeth joins court again to attend the wedding
BIOGRAPHY:
The chroniclers of Henry’s Tudor Court would describe the birth of Elizabeth Tudor for years to come - mostly, her beginning was an enigma; a mythology of its own. Seymour Loyalists would whisper that she had been born from the low-hanging fruit of the Percy household due to her mother’s swindling ways. Others would declare that she had been conceived well before the private marriage between the King and his adored subject, Anne Boleyn. Others, coated in sugar by the royal household, would bear the new Princess as a holy comet sent to signal a new dawn and age upon the English royal throne.
But beneath each and every whisper comes a slither of truth. She had arrived fighting, her lungs heavy with breath as she took her first screams. Coated in her mother’s blood with the feral instinct of Tudor burning within her eyes, Elizabeth was heralded as the King’s legitimate and most beloved daughter - and in time, as Henry Tudor would insist, a son would follow.
Separated soon after to be fed by a wet nurse, Elizabeth barely knew her parents as a bairn. Surely, she was visited now and again but to an infant they were but strangers who’d sometimes bring new toys or would influence her household to bow and curtsey with deep admiration. No, she didn’t know them as any other normal child would’ve - but then, Elizabeth wasn’t normal. She never would be. With fire shimmering atop her crown, she was prepared to enlist herself into a lifetime offered for England’s future. As her parents brought forth a new playmate, Elizabeth was taught to give way and stand aside for the baby who was now heralded as the one and true heir of the English Kingdom that had once been ruled by giants - descendents of Troy, or so her nanny would whisper.
As a girl, Elizabeth grew fiery. In some other lifetime where she had lost a mother and her gilded title, she would’ve been forced to become modest and coy - her own father would’ve named Elizabeth as a bastard after all, tarnishing her to become something quite hidden within the shadows till the ever-loving touch of a stepmother who thought each of Henry Tudor’s children were deserving of a place in their father’s heart. But in this timeline? She had been bolstered by her blossoming relationship with her mother and father, often claimed as Princess of Hearts and future Queen of some far away land (even if Mary had been promised to the King of Spain, it did not mean that Elizabeth would not carry a crown - her governess would insist). She prepared with eagerness, studying attentively - learning foreign tongues and histories, indulging herself in horse riding, poetry and philosophy.
Though celebrated as a daughter of England, Elizabeth was kept from the haunted gloom of court and instead was held within Hatfield House, where she grew from girl to woman - flourishing in her father’s colours as she took to dancing at balls and hosting elaborate feast days and plays. Styled as the Golden Princess, she would cast a wide net to entertain friends and courtiers, often mistaking true friendship and confidants with people who’d whisper behind sugared palms - this would ultimately lead to another sort of mythology to cloud Elizabeth’s public persona. The forever growing Seymour Loyalists and Anne Boleyn’s enemies would often say that her parties grew thick with the devil’s pleasure - that she bore a witch’s mark upon her navel and danced with unmarried men without a chaperone present. Others would say that her entertainment was heavenly, marked with laughter and prayer. Some wouldn’t care to repeat what they saw or heard. Certainly, the truth cannot be known, but Elizabeth’s reputation was soon taken over by the death of her larger than life father, the King.
Henry Tudor died by a wishbone - choking till his skin turned purple, grey then a bloated whitish-yellow. Elizabeth, who had been walking the gardens before retiring to her chambers, was alerted by a messenger who had been sent by her mother and brother - or should that be mended to read, King William III. No longer a daughter, but presently a sister, Elizabeth moved from Hatfield to London for both the coronation and to reinstate herself as a woman. Hands clasped, she swore to protect her brother and agreed (hesitantly) to marry if such a union would strengthen William’s reign. Now a sister to the King, and the prize pawn to be sold at market, Elizabeth strains against the rules set upon her - and burns with the Boleyn might that nearly every Englishman has grown to fear.
Now at court, her toes inching closer to the doomed centre of the Tudor court, Elizabeth must protect herself and her family - what with the ghost of war growing louder with each day that passes. No longer a girl of soft fat and small curled fists, Elizabeth’s reputation is at stake. A maiden of pure white linen and an overflowing cup, the Princess bides her time and holds back any type of suitor in the hope to remain a feared Tudor.
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Little Homeworld Life chapter 6: A Fandom Divided (originally posted on September 19, 2022)
AN: For today's episode, shipping destroys lives! In other news, water is wet, chocolate chip cookies are awesome, and all companies do not care about anything other than money. Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. As I foreshadowed last episode, this installment is literally just the Amphibia episode Civil Wart, except it's not a fan war fueled by sibling rivalry. Instead, it serves as an echo of how toxic shippers can get in general, and trust me, I've seen enough incidents like these to know what I'm talking about. In addition, this will include a reference to a certain incident in the Steven Universe fandom from many years ago that I've been wanting to reference in all my SU fanfiction for years. So, without further ado, let the chaos commence.
Synopsis: Lapis and Peridot try to get everyone into Camp Pining Hearts, but they don't account for the resulting division between Gems who ship Percy/Pierre vs Gems shipping Percy/Paulette.
Cast:
Shelby Rabara as Peridot, Squaridot
Jennifer Paz as Lapis, Laz, Zuli
Estelle as Garnet
Michaela Dietz as Amethyst, Percy/Edward Christian, Blue Lace Agate, Ocean Jasper, Crazy Lace Agate, Tiger's Eye
Deedee Magno-Hall as Pearl, Paulette/Bella Anastasia, Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl, Volleyball
Uzo Aduba as Bismuth
Kimberly Brooks as Jasper, Cherry Quartz, Angel Aura Quartz, Zebra Jasper, Biggs Jasper
Noël Wells as Black Rutile
Casey Lee Williams as Cat's Eye
Amy Sedaris as Teal Zircon
Lauren Ash as White Topaz
Della Saba as Aquamarine
Charlyne Yi as Eyeball, Navy, Doc, Army, Leggy
Christine Pedi as Holly Blue Agate
Ian Jones-Quartey as Snowflake Obsidian, Bixbite
Michelle Maryk as Larimar
Aparna Nancherla as Nephrite
Auli'I Cravalho as Orange Spodumene
Kimiko Glenn as Blue Chalcedony
Phillipa Soo as Chrysocolla
Anika Noni Rose as Watermelon Tourmalines
Aimee Carrero as Moonstone
Tara Strong as Grossular Diopside
Tara Platt as Cubic Zirconias
Jinkx Monsoon as Emerald
Kari Wahlgren as Pyrope
Melissa Fahn as Demantoid
Hayley Kiyoko as Morganite
Gal Gadot as Desert Glass
Willa Holland as Albite
Maddie Ziegler as Serpentine
Courtenay Taylor as Beryl
Martha Higerada as Topaz
Alex Newell as Monazite
Billy West as Hunter
Featuring Jensen Ackles as Pierre/Jacob Steele
--
On a beautiful night in Little Homeworld, all the Gem inhabitants had gathered around a large projector screen that Lapis and Peridot set up for a movie night for everyone. "Face front true believers," Peridot theatrically announced. "for in just a few short moments; you shall bear witness to the greatest television program this planet has ever conceived!"
"Ooh, is it Challenge of Castles?!" Teal raised her hand. "That show is amazing!"
"No way, The Gandolfinis is way better!" Watermelon Tourmaline debated.
"I'm personally more a fan of Black and White Are The New Blue." Desert Glass commented. "I find myself really connecting with everyone being brutally imprisoned, for some reason."
"All of you, be quiet!" Peridot barked, stopping the argument before it could go too far. "Those shows are all great, but none can ever come close to the quality cinema that is Camp Pining Hearts! It's got everything you could ask for! Romance, drama!"
"Attractive humans getting into over-the-top situations," Lapis added. "Everyone getting mad at each other for stupid reasons. "
"And best of all, the single greatest shipping ever conceived by human brains, but we want it to be up to you!" Peridot declared before Pearl stepped on stage between her and Lapis.
"Thank you for the introduction, girls, but are you sure this is a good idea?" Pearl asked the duo. "I don't want everyone to start arguing which of these "ships" are superior to the point of getting toxic and harming each other. Like that one Crying Breakfast Friends fan-artist Steven really likes who was bullied into nearly committing suicide because she drew Sad Spoon to be too skinny."
"Oh, come on, Pearl, I'm sure this will be nothing like that incident!" Peridot answered while pushing Pearl away. "Now then, this episode, in particular, is considered to be the finest in all of Camp Pining Hearts, across both the amazing original series and its abysmal reboot!"
"It's called "Hunting Season" from Season 2, the best season in our eyes." Lapis continued. "Now, without further ado, let the show begin. Is it ready, Garnet?!"
"Ready and raring to go, Lapis." Garnet agreed as she turned the episode on and projected it onto the big screen.
"This is going to be so exciting!" Peridot muttered eagerly at the prospect of exposing her special interest to more and more Gems. "I can't wait for everyone to share my opinions!"
"Dude, not everyone will think the same way as you." Amethyst disagreed as she snacked on some popcorn. "You just gotta accept that everyone has different opinions."
"Yeah, like I refuse ever to accept that your ways are what's best for everyone." Black Rutile added snarkily.
"See, like her." Amethyst stated while gesturing to Black Rutile.
"Finally, one of you agrees with me!" Black Rutile sighed in delight. "Looks like I finally converted a Crystal Gem to my cause!"
"What? No." Amethyst corrected the Rutile. "I'm just using you as an example. It'll be a cold day in the Kindergarten before you brainwash anyone of us, though!"
"Spoilsport." Black Rutile pouted as the episode continued.
--
"Shh, be vewy, vewy quiet." A brown-clad hunter told the audience while tiptoeing through the forest. "I'm hunting for a deew. Ahahahaha." Just then, the hunter spotted a majestic white-tailed deer grazing in the distance and excitedly prepared his rifle. "Oh, a deew!" he exclaimed. "A femawe deew!"
Elsewhere, a handsome young man with brown hair was exploring the great outdoors with a spring in his steps and stars in his eyes. "Nature truly is a wonderful thing." Pierre muttered to himself with a dashing grin. "And I'm more than happy to experience it with dear friends like Percy." Just then, Pierre spotted a white-tailed deer peacefully grazing, unaware of the hunter ready to shoot it down with his rifle. "Oh no, that innocent doe is in trouble!"
"Come on, big guy, just stay wight whewe I want you to be." The hunter smirked to himself before he found Pierre racing into his line of sight. "Gadzooks! Boy, get out of dah way!"
"No, I won't let you hurt this innocent deer!" Pierre exclaimed as he got in front of the doe to protect it, only to be shot in his torso by the hunter and fell to the ground as the doe got spooked and ran away.
"Oh my, you okay thewe spowt?" the hunter frantically realized his error and raced to Pierre's aid. "I am so sowwy widdle boy, I was just doing my job, but then you got in the way!"
"I'm not little; I'm 16." Pierre groaned and revealed his age, which was way younger than the actor playing him. "Please, go to Camp Pining Hearts and find help. Please, my life depends on it!"
"Don't wowwy, I'll do what I can!" the hunter replied bravely and ran off to find help, leaving Pierre to lie there on the ground, blood staining his uniform as he tried not to give into his injuries.
"Come on, sir, hurry up." Pierre groaned in pain while trying to pluck the bullet from his abdomen when he heard footsteps. "Wow, that was fast."
"Pierre!" a blonde camper cried out as he raced to Pierre's side. "That hunter told me what happened! Are you all right?!"
"It's fine, Percy, now that you're here." Pierre weakly answered while gazing longingly into Percy's eyes. "I was out and about in the woods earlier when I found that a hunter was trying to kill this innocent deer. I was able to protect it, but now it seems like I might not have much time left."
"Don't worry, Pierre; I'll get you back to camp," Percy said as he began bridal-carrying Pierre and took him away from the forest clearing. "You're one of my best friends, Pierre."
"You too, Percy." Pierre grinned happily.
--
As the episode continued, the Gems were enraptured in the drama that ensued from Pierre's sacrifice, and even began crying when it seemed like he was going to die from the bullet wound. But thankfully, Percy was there to help Pierre every step of the way, and eventually, their bond was what saved Pierre from death in the cheesiest fashion imaginable. Peridot was utterly delighted to see such a standing ovation from the adoring audience that had just watched her favorite show and now was eager to ask what their thoughts were on it and whether they were as hardcore shippers of Percy and Pierre as she was.
"Thank you, thank you, everyone!" Peridot exclaimed as she got back up on stage. "It delights me so much to see everyone like the same things I do! This reminds me of one crucial question. After watching this episode, are you all Piercy shippers now?!"
"Meh, take it or leave it." Cat's Eye smugly answered while checking her manicure, inciting gasps from every other audience member. "I didn't really see any romantic tension between the two. I think they're more like brothers than lovers. Besides, Paulette deserves better from this fandom you speak of."
"You bite your tongue!" Teal Zircon yelled at Cat from the other side of the audience. "Pierre and Percy bring out the best in each other! Pierre learns how to be gentler around Percy, while Percy learns how to stand up for himself more from Pierre! They are the best CPH ship!"
"Oh, you just like them together because they're two cute human boys who think deserve to spend all of their screentime making out with each other!" Cat began bickering with Teal. "You keep assuming the worst about everything Paulette does, and she was barely even in this episode!"
"Now, let's settle down for a bit." Peridot tried to ease the tension between the arguing pair. "While yes, Pierre and Percy are the best pairing in Camp Pining Hearts, and Paulette has no place in the camp's hierarchy, that's no reason to start arguing with each other!"
"I told you so." Pearl nervously responded to Peridot in a sing-song voice as the conflict reached its boiling point.
"Everyone who ships Percy and Pierre, form up with me!" Teal commanded, followed by Orange Spodumene, the Watermelon Tourmalines, Doc, Leggy, Bixbite, Tiger's Eye, Yellow Pearl, Ocean Jasper, Crazy Lace, Chrysocolla, Serpentine, Grossular Diopside, Beryl, Holly Blue, Nephrite, Angel Aura Quartz, Zuli, Desert Glass, Morganite, and Navy all gathering up behind her.
"Is that so?" Cat's Eye purred. "Well, if you support Percy with Paulette, then join my side!" As she ordered, Army, Topaz, Monazite, Emerald, Demantoid, Pyrope, Blue Pearl, Volleyball, the Cubic Zirconias, Moonstone, Blue Chalcedony, Snowflake Obsidian, Larimar, Albite, Zebra Jasper, Biggs Jasper, Laz, Squaridot, and Cherry Quartz assembling beside her.
"Well, where do all of you stand?" Teal asked Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Peridot, Lapis, Bismuth, Black Rutile, and White Topaz as they were forced into the middle of this new conflict.
"Nope, I don't want to know where this is going!" Black Rutile declared as she got up and prepared to leave, only to come back moments later to speak with Cat's Eye. "But keep this up for as long as you can; it'll keep everyone distracted while I keep working on the Vortexxer."
"I think we're going to take a neutral stance here." Bismuth proclaimed. "This is an absolutely ridiculous reason to start fighting, so I suggest we find a way to end this peacefully before it all goes too far!"
"Me, personally, I find this to be a huge waste of time." Jasper added her opinions. "I mean, none of these humans are even real! Is there really any reason to obsess over the love lives of fictional characters?!"
"Okay, that I can agree with!" Black Rutile agreed with Jasper from afar. Suddenly, the two warring factions of shippers all began yelling as they marched away from the impromptu theater, leaving the Crystal Gems alone.
"I figured things would turn out like this." Garnet declared.
"You mean you knew this was going to happen and never told me?!" Peridot yelled. "Some leader you turned out to be!"
"Hey, chillax, everyone." Lapis said calmingly. "At least things can't get worse than this, right? Right?"
--
The next day, it got worse. Overnight, the entire town was split down the middle between Teal Zircon and the Gems who shipped Pierre with Percy, and the Gems who sided with Cat's Eye by shipping Percy with Paulette, leaving the Crystal Gems forced into the middle of the situation both figuratively and literally.
"It's ominous how much this echoes shipping debates on the Internet." Peridot mused in horror of what new spore of madness she had unleashed.
"But now it's in real life!" Lapis added, just as terrified.
"Were things on your Earth technology resolved with peace and kindness, perhaps?" Jasper asked sarcastically.
"Oh, far from it." Amethyst answered. "I mean, see for yourself!"
"Archers, fire your hateful fanfictions!" Teal commanded Crazy Lace, Serpentine, Nephrite, and Yellow Pearl before the four Gems launched stacks of paper from arrows at the Gems on the opposing side.
"Your fantasies are null compared to our superior writing skills!" Yellow Pearl barked at the enemy shippers.
"You call this superior writing skills?!" Albite exclaimed as she read through one of the fanfictions. "Everyone in this story is completely out of character for the sake of your sexual desires! And why is everyone so obsessed with feet all of a sudden?"
"Oh no, I fired the wrong one!" Yellow Pearl yelled in realization. "Quick, throw it back so I can burn it!"
"Too late; I'm gonna read this to everyone!" Albite laughed as she walked away to continue embarrassing Yellow Pearl.
"Really, you and the feet?" Serpentine asked a blushing Yellow Pearl.
"I just admire their complex anatomy, that's all!" Yellow Pearl tried lying her way out of an awkward situation before speed-walking away.
Meanwhile, on the Percy/Paulette side, Blue Pearl was hard at work on her latest masterpiece, which Volleyball had taken an interest in. "Oh hey, Blue, what are you working on?"
"Just this amazing Percy/Paulette fanart I've poured my heart into." Blue Pearl replied while showing off an immaculate painting of a romantic moment between the two CPH characters. "The lake symbolizes how the waters may be rough, but they will always have each other's backs. And the moon is evocative of how bright their future will be together."
"Oh, that is amazing symbolism!" Volleyball complimented the other Pearl's work. "And what about their big mustaches?"
"Their what?" Blue Pearl asked before she turned to discover that her precious artwork had been defaced. "Who could have done this to me?!" She immediately got her answer in the form of Doc and Leggy laughing raucously as they scampered off, indicating that they were the culprits. "You rotten, no good antis! I'll get you two for this!"
"We'd like to see you try without going over the line!" Doc cackled evilly while pointing at the line splitting Little Homeworld in two, proving to Blue Pearl that any hope of getting revenge was nonexistent.
"We have to find a way to resolve this without anyone getting seriously hurt!" Garnet declared. "Peridot, Lapis, I suggest you try getting the leaders to see reason first before everyone can agree to a truce, and we can reset everything to normal again."
"We won't let you down, Garnet!" Peridot saluted dutifully along with Lapis.
"I don't see this going horribly wrong." Lapis added before the two split up and took off for both sides of the war, Peridot marching towards Teal's side while Lapis strolled to meet with Cat's Eye.
"What if Lapis was right?" White Topaz asked worriedly. "What if this does go wrong? The two of them are freakishly powerful, so who knows what could happen?"
--
"This is the best thing that has ever happened to this good-for-nothing prison!" Black Rutile cheered as she, Aquamarine, and Eyeball watched the civil war between Teal and Cat from the comforts of Black Rutile's house as the trio continued work on the Vortexxer. "Everyone is so distracted by such a silly concept; they're all completely oblivious to what I have planned!"
"To be fair, my Rutile, they've been pretty oblivious for a while." Aquamarine said to her master. "I find it odd that no one has gotten at least some sort of a clue about what we're doing."
"Eh, best to keep it all a secret, it makes the eventual reveal all the more shocking." Eyeball said while snacking from a bucket of popcorn just as the door opened. "Oh hey kitty, we thought you were dead."
"Oh please, as if I'd die in these silly circumstances!" Cat boasted while perching herself upon the incomplete Vortexxer like a cat.
"Hey, get off! That's delicate equipment you're toying with!" Black Rutile commanded her feline crony to leave her project alone. "Now, give me a status report!"
"This little squabble has been tepid for the most part, but it's only a matter of time before everything explodes into full-on war!" Cat's Eye purred while turning the wall behind her into a scratching post. "Which reminds me, my Rutile, do you ship Percy with Pierre or Paulette? I do hope it's Paulette. Your tactical genius would be of great use to our cause!"
"I don't care either way!" Black Rutile answered as she continued work on the portal. "Like, they're not even real; why should we care so much about the love lives of those who don't even exist?"
"I certainly agree, my Rutile." Eyeball added. "It just makes no sense how obsessive humans get with fictional characters."
"Now, Ruby, no need to judge people for their opinions." Aquamarine jokingly chided her sidekick. "But really, this is all just one futile and stupid gesture."
"Darn, I was really hoping to get at least one of you in on this." Cat moaned in defeat. "But regardless, I still think we could be winning!" Just then, Cat heard a knock on Black Rutile's door. "Just a moment, I need to take this." She then stepped outside to see Cherry Quartz standing there. "What do you want?"
"One of the Crystal Gems wishes to speak with you." Cherry stated with a salute. "It's Lapis Lazuli."
"Oh, goody." Cat's Eye responded with a visible grimace. "Let me guess, are they trying to settle our war peacefully?"
"I believe so." Cherry stated. "Come, she says it's of the utmost importance."
"Well, she better make this quick." Cat said as she began following Cherry. "I got some fanfiction to do a dramatic reading of in an hour."
--
Meanwhile, in the domain of Teal Zircon and her Percy/Pierre shippers, Peridot had just arrived and was ready to make a stand against this madness so everyone could enjoy Camp Pining Hearts in peace. However, Teal's subordinates were all tough nuts for her to crack.
"HALT, WHO GOES THERE?!" the Watermelon Tourmaline duo yelled as they stood guarding the greenhouse Teal had made into her impromptu palace. "NOBODY GETS IN TO SEE THE GRAND SHIPPER OF PIERRE AND PERCY, NOT NOBODY, NOT NOHOW!"
"But I do ship them!" Peridot exclaimed. "Just let me in; I need to talk with Teal!"
"Oh, I see you are a Gem of culture as well. My mistake." The Watermelon Tourmaline fusion realized her error. "Let her in, Puffy. She's good people."
"Now that's a horse of a different color. Come on in." The other Watermelon Tourmaline said as the duo let Peridot pass into the greenhouse. The plants were still there, but now it was filled with Gems dressed in CPH cosplay acting out romantic scenarios between Percy and Pierre.
"But Pierre, I'm afraid we cannot be together!" Desert Glass dramatically stated. "I am in love with another person!"
"Who, who could this other person be?" Nephrite asked with equal amounts of cheese.
"It is my twin brother!" Desert Glass exclaimed, eliciting gasps of shock and excitement.
"Twin brother? Spicy!" Zuli muttered as she applauded the duo's act. "But not as spicy as the dog bit!"
"Where do they keep coming up with these lewd ideas?" Holly Blue agreed as Peridot awkwardly walked past the applauding audience to meet with Teal Zircon.
"Um, hello there." Peridot greeted her fellow shippers of Percy and Pierre. "Is Teal Zircon still here? I'd like to have a word with her about this conflict."
"Don't you worry, we'll grab her, and she'll be here in a jiffy." Serpentine answered politely as she raced to find their superior, who was busy snacking on grapes like a Roman emperor while Navy served as her footrest. "Um, Lord Teal, we have a visitor who wishes to meet with you."
"Send her in." Teal said with a mouth full of grapes as Peridot was shunted forward by Angel Aura Quartz and Crazy Lace. "I am Teal Zircon, the great and powerful!" she proclaimed loudly. "State your business or get out of my sight!"
"I came here to inform you that this conflict is utterly preposterous!" Peridot made her case against the shipping war. "Fandom is supposed to bring everyone together, no matter who they are or what they ship! Isn't that just as important as your OTP?"
Teal took some time to contemplate Peridot's question while continuing to munch on grapes before she came up with a question of her own. "You know, Peridot, your plea for peace makes me want to ask you something." She said. "What do you ship, little one?"
"Um, Percy and Pierre?" Peridot nervously replied. "I don't feel like this question will lead to anything good."
"On the contrary, it could lead to many good things!" Teal responded happily. "Join me, and together we can rule the Camp Pining Hearts fanbase as shippers in arms!"
"While I do admire that you're taking my earlier message of togetherness to heart, I don't think you're doing it right!" Peridot objected to TZ's offer. "The other Crystal Gems and I just wanted everyone to get along!"
"But now you can get along with us! What do you say?" Teal continued exhorting. "One of us, one of us! Gooble gobble, one of us!"
"We accept her, we accept her!" Teal's subordinates began chanting for Peridot to join them. "One of us, one of us!"
"Uh, I still don't know, you guys." Peridot responded awkwardly. "I mean, as I said, we all have different opinions, and we should respect them!"
"Oh, this is more than just a difference in opinions." Teal declared in response. "We will soon be at war with our enemies, and we need a Gem as smart as you to aid us in the coming battle! We would've recruited Black Rutile, but she rejected because this is utterly ridiculous."
"Can't believe I'm saying this, but she has a point!" Peridot continued debating with Teal. "You know what, fine! I'll join you only if you agree to stop this madness!"
"Don't you worry, Dottie, I'm a Gem of my word." Teal solemnly swore to Peridot while also crossing her fingers behind her back. "Now come with me. We have much to discuss." She then took Peridot by her tiny green hand and led her deeper into the greenhouse, where some more Gems had made a makeshift war room. "We must prepare for war."
--
As for Lapis, she had arrived at Cat's Eye's side of Little Homeworld, where the feline Gem ruled from atop the whirly-bird tower while being entertained by watching episodes of CPH where Percy was paired with Paulette, with her minions all huddled around the TV with her.
"Uh, hey, everyone." Lapis greeted the Percy/Paulette shippers, who all turned to look up at her flying above them. "I'm just here on the other Crystal Gems' orders to tell you all that this whole war is a huge waste of time, and we should respect everyone else's opinions and stuff."
"Let me guess, I suppose Peridot is off trying to convince the enemy the same thing?" Laz asked as her old friend touched down on the ground to confront Cat's Eye.
"Exactly." Lapis said to Laz before turning to Cat. "Please, Cat, I know you hate me for being a Crystal Gem, and I hate you because you're so unbelievably smug and obnoxious, but I want you to listen. This conflict sucks! I mean, going to war just because someone has a different opinion than you? That pettiness is only reserved for the Internet, not real life!"
"Oh please, you think this is like a cartoon where you can make everything better in just a few minutes flat?!" Cat scoffed at Lapis's plea. "You need to let it go, little girl. You are indeed correct that this is the real life, not just a fantasy!"
"Exactly, and it's time we face reality!" Lapis proclaimed. "People have different opinions, and we must respect that."
"Speaking of fantasies, I have a few of my own." Cat remarked seductively, making Lapis's breath shudder as she started blushing blue. "Now, it's not those kinds of fantasies, just FYI, just a little idea I've been having."
"What kind of idea?" Lapis asked sheepishly as Cat began using her feminine wiles to get her way.
"Oh, nothing much, just our own version of Hunting Season." Cat purred cheekily. "It's already a good episode, but I think more of Paulette would make it even better!"
"You mean we make a Percy/Paulette version of the episode?" Lapis realized. "What's in this for me, though?"
"Oh, you'll just be donating your creative skills to a good cause, of course." Cherry Quartz revealed, piquing Lapis's interest as she now began considering Cat's offer.
"So, you in?" Blue Chalcedony asked the terraformer.
"Fine, I'll do it." Lapis shrugged and shook Cat's hand. "But only if you don't go and declare war on the other side, okay?"
"Oh, cross my heart, my dearest aquatic angel!" Cat's Eye pinched Lapis's cheek with one hand while crossing her fingers behind her back with the others. "And even if we go to war, we'll win easily since we have not one, but two Lapis Lazulis on our side!"
"She's got that right." Laz agreed with Cat.
--
"Bad news, everyone, we lost our adorable duo." Bismuth declared to the Crystal Gems at the temple as she put down her phone. "Lapis has turned over to Cat's Eye's side while Peridot has been assimilated into Teal Zircon and her cronies. Oh, I can already imagine the hurt and betrayal that'll come from this!"
"They were supposed to help us stop this craziness!" Amethyst yelled furiously. "Now, what do we do?!"
"Easy, we terrify them into shutting up." Jasper suggested harshly while summoning her crash helmet.
"While that would be super effective, I'm not sure if we should be solving this with violence." White Topaz objected to Jasper's idea. "Anyone else got any bright ideas?"
"I got an excellent idea." Garnet proclaimed while presenting the Gems with Pearl sitting at a laptop. "The Internet started this, so we finish this with the Internet."
"As it turns out, one of the actors from Camp Pining Hearts has his own website where he answers fan questions." Pearl explained before turning the computer around to show a website dedicated to Edward Christian, the man who played Percy on Camp Pining Hearts. "If we ask him about this crisis, maybe he can help solve it."
"You really think he'll just find our question and answer it right on the spot?" Jasper retorted suspiciously as Pearl typed down a question for the actor to answer.
"Dear Edward Christian, my name is Pearl, and I am a Crystal Gem living in Beach City, Delmarva." Pearl read her question out loud as she typed. "I have some friends who are both huge fans of Camp Pining Hearts and are on opposite sides of a shipping war. Is there any way you can help solve this problem before it goes too far? Sincerely, Pearl."
"I like where this is going, but I'm sure he gets many questions daily." Amethyst said. "It might take ages before he notices us!" Just then, Pearl immediately got a response to her question to Edward, much to the Gems' shock given how fast he responded.
"So, might take ages, huh?" White Topaz smirked at Amethyst.
"Why didn't I ask for money?" Amethyst muttered in disappointment before Pearl began reading their answer.
"Dear Pearl, I am honored to know that you Gems are such fans of my work. I had a lot of fun as Percy on Camp Pining Hearts." Pearl read off the laptop. "This isn't the first time I've received a question about shipping, funny enough. I've even had to ban such questions from my site after the big Valentine's Day episode from Season 3, but I'll make an exception for fellow celebrities like you. How about tomorrow, my co-stars Bella Anastasia and Jacob Steele come down to Beach City to help you with your problem? Love, Edward."
"He even said love." Garnet said. "Such a nice man."
"Looks like all we have to do now is wait." Amethyst realized. "Does it say where he lives now?"
"Oh, how convenient!" Pearl cheered as she found Edward's bio. "It turns out he's still living in the Great North, so it should only take almost nine hours for him and his co-stars to reach us!"
"Well, at least we got time now." Jasper sighed in relief. "What should we do now?"
"I got an idea!" White Topaz suggested. "Anyone wanna binge Camp Pining Hearts with me? I'm getting close to the end of Season 3, so no spoilers!"
"I wonder how we can spoil a show we've barely seen any episodes of." Garnet mused to herself.
--
On the third day of the great shipping conflict of Little Homeworld, the two sides were just about ready to go to war. On one side, Teal Zircon and her horde of Percy/Pierre shippers were readying their weapons for the coming battle while Peridot mapped out potential strategies. On the other side, Cat's Eye's side was also preparing for war, but Lapis was feeling anxious about having to go against her lifelong friend and partner.
"Anything troubling you, my dear Lapis?" Cat purred as she batted her tail against Lapis's back to get the blue Gem's attention. "Oh, I get it! You're worried about what Peridot might think about you rooting for the enemy." She realized. "Well, there's one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little detail you had forgotten about. THIS IS WAR, AND PAST RELATIONSHIPS DON'T MATTER!"
"How should I know that?! I never fought in the rebellion!" Lapis yelled back at the lawyer. "Besides, you know that I got off on the wrong foot with Peridot when we were told to become friends!"
"Well, it looks like you have no choice but to do that all over again!" Cat replied without a shred of empathy for Lapis. "And in the meantime, I got you a new Peridot who will agree with everything you say!" She then presented Lapis with Squaridot that she pulled from the sides. "Say hi, Squaridot!"
--
Meanwhile, Peridot watched the confrontation between Lapis and Cat with a pair of binoculars, and to say she felt absolutely betrayed would be selling her heartbreak short. "So this is how Lapis repays me after all we've done together?" she mutters tearfully. "Just going to abandon me in favor of shipping Percy with that witch Paulette?!"
"Always sad to see someone go, isn't it?" Teal Zircon declared solemnly as she appeared behind Peridot. "But then again, you did interrogate her for info on the Crystal Gems a long time ago, so maybe she considers this karma."
"That was ages ago; we were past that!" Peridot yelled at Teal. "I'm sure by the time we win this war; everything will go back to normal like nothing happened, right?"
"I'm not too sure about it." Teal answered. "A betrayal of that magnitude is bound to be remembered for ages to come. Not even forgiving and forgetting can fix that in a pinch."
"I'd never expect someone like you to say that." Peridot replied. "Usually, you'd have some kind of adorable one-liner or unknowingly insensitive remark up your sleeve. What's gotten into you these past few days?"
"I've become very passionate about shipping thanks to you." Teal bluntly revealed. "Now come! We ride!"
--
"Oh, come on, where are those actors?" Pearl nervously asked as she impatiently paced around Little Homeworld, hoping for a miracle. "Edward said he'd be here today, but he's still taking forever!"
"Just be patient, Pearl." Garnet implored the ex-servant. "Besides, it's not like we have much time left. Look!" Garnet then pointed towards the Warp Pad, where the two warring ships were having an epic stand-off, an ominous calm washing over Little Homeworld as the war was about to begin.
"So, it looks like we had the same idea, Peridot." An equally betrayed Lapis coldly said to Peridot.
"It wasn't my intention; they made me join!" Peridot cried out. "They had a really catchy chant too."
"I was convinced because they thought I'd be useful in making their own version of Hunting Season." Lapis responded. "If you join our side, we can work on it together and be friends again."
"Enough talk!" Teal cut the barn mates' conversation short. "Now is the time for what everyone came here for."
"Oh, I couldn't agree more." Cat's Eye meowed while drawing her riding crop. "CHARGE!"
"COURAGE!" Teal replied as the two Gems' respective forces clashed in an all-out battle, while the Crystal Gems, Black Rutile, Aquamarine, and Eyeball all watched from the sidelines.
"Ooh, this is gonna get good!" Amethyst laughed before she pulled out some popcorn to eat while gazing at Eyeball's bucket. "I'm not sharing this."
"Good, I wasn't planning on sharing either." Eyeball responded.
"Oh, how I missed the senseless violence between so-called friends." Black Rutile sighed nostalgically.
"You're just saying that because one of your minions is leading a side!" Bismuth said in response. "And besides, isn't another one of them on the Percy/Pierre side?"
"Does it matter?" Black Rutile smirked as the Crystal Gems and the Rutile Rebels watched the carnage begin.
The Watermelon Tourmalines bounced everywhere as they worked together to crush their opponents. Desert Glass formed turrets out of the sand to fire upon the various quartzes. Beryl scampered across the battlefield to take her opponents by surprise and tickle them into submission. Nephrite was engaged in a catfight against Chrysocolla. Holly Blue swung her electric whip around to gain some distance from her foes. Army was pitted against all three of the other Rubies on the enemy side in a wrestling contest. Serpentine pounced on her foes while Grossular Diopside rode on her back. Yellow Pearl was all alone against Volleyball and Blue Pearl. Laz and Zuli were facing off once again, with tidal waves being summoned to take each other down. Bixbite tried cutting down the ice barrier Larimar and Snowflake Obsidian put up to protect Demantoid and Pyrope from harm. Emerald swung her club in Orange Spodumene's face, knocking her to the ground. Topaz, Monazite, Blue Chalcedony, Albite, the Cubic Zirconias, and Squaridot all worked together to keep their allies safe in the heat of battle. But at the center of it all was the epic clash between Teal & Peridot and Cat & Lapis.
"You just can't admit that you never cared for Percy and Pierre as characters!" Cat's Eye yelled while whipping away at Teal. "You don't want representation; you just think they should be a couple just because of how close they are!"
"And you just can't see Paulette for how abhorrent a character she is!" Teal responded while clashing with Cat using a makeshift sword. "She's an utter parasite who leeches off every other character because the writers love ensuring she's in the right all the time!"
"That is not true; you're desperate to see boys kissing!" Cat yelled back.
"You're better than this, Lapis; you must fight it!" Peridot urged her blue-hued partner. "Remember all the good times we shared watching CPH!"
"Well, the good times are over!" Lapis replied, yelling as she prepared to land the finishing blow when suddenly, a car horn honked, stopping the war cold.
"Who could possibly be interrupting our grand battle?!" Albite yelled before the car door opened, and out came Edward Christian, the actor behind Percy from Camp Pining Hearts.
"You know, when I was told there was a shipping war going on here, I did not expect a literal war." Edward dryly remarked before he was joined by his CPH co-stars, Bella Anastasia and Jacob Steele.
"Oh my goodness, you're finally here!" Pearl squealed in excitement as she charged towards the three celebrities and trapped Edward in a tight hug. "Saints be praised; please put an end to this madness!"
"Let me guess; this is about Percy, Pierre, and Paulette?" Jacob smirked before looking at the formerly warring Gems, now frozen in shock. "I should've known."
"Uh, hello there, alien fans." Bella waved to the Gems, who immediately stopped what they were doing and began hoarding around the trio.
"I can't believe it, Percy and Pierre in the flesh!" Holly Blue began frothing at the mouth in amazement before collapsing.
"Tell us, are you aware of how much everyone hates Paulette?!" Morganite asked.
"Can you sign this for me?!" Beryl shrieked eagerly as she presented her forearm to the trio.
"Calm down, everyone, one at a time!" Edward settled every Gem down. "Now, your Crystal Gem friends have called us today because they noticed a serious problem with you guys."
"Yeah, they just won't accept that not every pair consisting of a male and a female have to be a couple!" Teal said with an accusing finger towards Cat's side.
"And they won't realize the sexual tension between Pierre and Percy!" Cat added with a claw pointed at Teal.
"Oh goody, just as I feared." Bella rolled her eyes in annoyance before she turned to her male co-stars with a smirk. "Want to break out the secret weapon, boys?"
"I'll go first." Edward smiled before revealing a wedding ring on his finger. "As most of you may not know, I'm a married man. Can you guess to who?"
"It's Jacob, obviously!" Peridot declared. "If the actors aren't married, then it's obviously queerbaiting!"
"No, queerbaiting is when they advertise actual same-sex relationships only to not follow through with it!" Lapis objected. "Not getting mad whenever your favorite gay ship isn't made canon!"
"Oh, how wrong you are." Bella proclaimed as she and Jacob revealed wedding rings of their own. "All three of us are married to each other! We got hitched not too long ago after a reunion special."
"No way, you three are married?!" White Topaz's eyes widened in surprise and delight.
"I'll admit, I didn't see that coming at all." Garnet added, just as shocked that her future vision couldn't even predict what she had just heard.
"Oh, if all three of them are married, then I guess there's no point to this!" Teal exclaimed as she and Cat's Eye turned to each other and shook hands. "Let's all be friends again!"
"Oh yes, friends!" Cat sneered as the two sides united as friends once more, completely forgetting about the heartbreak, the betrayal, the strife, and especially the sheer insanity of the situation.
"Sorry I took this too far, Peri." Lapis nervously apologized to Peridot. "I'll admit it; I had no idea what I was thinking when we decided to go to war."
"Me neither." Peridot responded just as awkwardly. "Are we still friends, even if we have different opinions?"
"Sure, even though I don't really have any strong opinions on ships whatsoever." Lapis answered warmly before the two Gems hugged.
"Yep, polyamorous marriage works like a charm when you want to stop ship wars." Jacob grinned with his hands on his hips before turning to the Crystal Gems. "Thanks for inviting us here, Crystal Gems. You got a really colorful bunch of friends here, no pun intended."
"The pleasure is all ours." Garnet nodded. "You're free to come back anytime."
"We'd love to stay and do a little meet and greet, but we gotta get going." Ed said as he walked over to the rental car he and his partners used to reach Little Homeworld. "Come on, guys, let's rock and roll!"
"On second thought, I don't see us leaving anytime soon." Bella admitted as she peeked under the hood of the car. "The engine's been stolen!"
"What, but how?! And who?!" Jacob yelled as he rushed to the car, seeing the large gap where the engine should be. "And how did they steal it without any of us noticing?!"
"Well, at least you got more time to spend here." Peridot said to the three actors. "How does that meet and greet sound?"
"Eh, I got nothing better to do today." Edward shrugged. "Okay, who's up for autographs?!" The Gems all eagerly raised their hands as Edward began signing Camp Pining Hearts posters to hand out to everyone, uniting them all in their love for the series as Peridot had intended. However, the identity of the car engine thief was still a mystery to everyone, even though the thief in question had dark designs for the engine.
--
"The Crystal Gems have given me the perfect chance to add another ingredient to the Vortexxer's construction!" Black Rutile laughed maniacally as she put the car engine down on the floor. "Quick, someone help me hook this up!"
"Got it!" Eyeball exclaimed as she used a pair of jumper cables to connect the engine to the unfinished portal, causing the machine to briefly spark to life. "I can't believe it; I saw a light! That has to mean something good, right?"
"Indeed, we're almost finished." Black Rutile declared pridefully with her arms akimbo as she gazed at the soon-to-be-finished portal. "Just need to keep biding our time. I don't care who gets in our way! I don't care what it takes! Whatever is on the other side will finally help me win!"
--
Talk about a rather dark note to end this escapade on, huh? Black Rutile has another important piece of the Vortexxer acquired now, but it's going to take a little while for her to find a way to fix what flaws the original version had. But until then, it's back to some goofy fun times for all, starting with a little lifeguard fanservice for me. Yes, I'm going there, and I have no regrets!
#steven universe#steven universe future#fanfiction#steven universe alternate future#peridot#lapis lazuli#garnet#amethyst#pearl#bismuth#cat's eye#teal zircon#black rutile
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A new week in this whole extraordinary time in our lives. How are you keeping? I’ve learnt another thing last week, in that my happiness and mental equilibrium during the crisis does not only depend on the state of my pantry (i.e. that it is well-stocked), but also on my creative output. I have observed that I have been happiest on the days when I “created” something. The days when I felt lethargic and did not push myself to do something creative, resulted in despondency. For those who want to give creativity a go, Herba and Die Pö’s monthly creative project is going into its final days. The current project prompt is “Saying Thank You”. The deadline is May 3rd. More info [in German] HERE. Speaking of creative projects – have you seen Kate’s creative post from yesterday? Have a look HERE – and a listen. Kate speaks as she shows off her fabulous creation on video.
As you can see from the post title, I have been dabbling with the mint tins again. This particular shrine has actually been sitting in my basket of unfinished projects for months. At some stage I started cutting paper and printing images, and then I never assembled the thing. The subject – Percy Courtenay – doesn’t really come that easily to mind as “shrine-worthy”. But he fits a vintage context. And that was a given, considering this fabulous tin:
Did this possibly come from you, Rachel? I particularly like what it says on the side:
Suffice to say, I couldn’t touch the outside of the tin. It’s vintage – and that means it’s sacrosanct. But the inside is another story. Here we go.
Yes, we will ignore the latter Percy, who turns out like a rather bad guy. But in the beginning he was really quite sweet, and that particular scene where he proposes to Marie, was really dreamy.
Would you like a look behind the scenes? It is mostly obscured because of Percy’s manly shoulders, but the back of the tin is a big vintage-y design made from lots of little cogs and wheels and bits.
Hard to photograph, I’m afraid.
I left some of the inside of the tin also untouched. It’s now upside down, but again, it was a piece of history, and it looks quite nice in its own right. Ehm, and I am *not* referring to Percy but to the printed inside of the tin 😂.
However, that original design is somewhat covered up by this little extra that I have added to the shrine. Isn’t this amazing? This is an original Bayer aspirin tin from the 1930s, given to me by one of our lovely American fan friends. It’s tiny and slim. But well, that’s a challenge Guylty gladly accepts. And so…
The small tin is attached with a magnet, btw. So it can be unfastened and taken out of the shrine.
No candles this time – because I didn’t want to risk damaging the tin. But given that this is a “two-in-one” offering, it’s still a good shrine, I reckon.
So, yeah, Percy. Not sure if anybody wants *him*… But as I said – he fits a vintage theme so well.
RA Pocket Shrine 2018/? – Vintage Percy A new week in this whole extraordinary time in our lives. How are you keeping? I've learnt another thing last week, in that my happiness and mental equilibrium during the crisis does not only depend on the state of my pantry (i.e.
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Together again on screen 10/x:
Richard Armitage and Shaun Parkes
Percy Courtenay and The Showman - Miss Marie Lloyd (2007)
John Porter and Felix Masuku - Strike Back (2010)
#Richard Armitage#Shaun Parkes#Percy Courtenay#The Showman#Miss Marie Lloyd#John Porter#Felix Masuku#Strike Back#riepu10#my RA gifs
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Richard Armitage shady
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I don’t know if you’ve been asked this before but who do you think Anne would’ve married if she hadn’t married Henry VIII? Do you think she would’ve married James Butler like she was supposed to? Or maybe Henry Percy?
I definitely have and I tried to search for it on my blog but Tumblr likes to hide my own posts from me for some reason. Also, I think it’s been a really long time since I was last asked this anyway.
I don’t think she would’ve married James Butler. I heard a theory that I find very compelling that Wolsey never really intended for the marriage to go through and he just wanted to keep James in England as, like, a hostage basically. I don’t know why, but it’s Wolsey, y’know? He was always planning and scheming. But yeah, I think that betrothal was always going to fall through.
I also don’t think she would’ve married Percy pretty much for the same reason that she didn’t in real life: Percy’s father didn’t approve and he had to marry Mary Talbot—that had already been arranged before Percy and Anne met.
Honestly, I think a very likely candidate is Edward Seymour. In real life, Edward Seymour married firstly in 1527 (to a woman who was born in 1507) so timing-wise, it fits perfectly. Also, I think he and Anne actually had a lot in common. They were both reformers and they both spent many years on the continent (Edward even spoke French). The only impediment is that, in 1526/27 when they could’ve gotten married, Anne’s father was a Viscount whereas Edward’s father was a mere knight and I do think Thomas Boleyn would’ve preferred Anne to marry someone of higher rank like an Earl or Marquess. Although, Edward was pretty ambitious so I think he would’ve risen on his own merit regardless of if his sister became Queen or not so perhaps he wouldn’t have stayed a knight’s son forever.
Other than Edward, it’s possible she could’ve married on of her Howard relatives. One Howard relative who would’ve been age-appropriate for her was William Howard, son of the 2nd Duke and his second wife who was born in 1510. William was technically Anne’s half-uncle but this was the 16th century and people only cared about incest when they wanted to get a divorce. None of the children of the 3rd Duke would’ve worked because even the oldest son, Henry the Earl of Surrey was born in 1516 which is too young for Anne. Also, considering how the 3rd Duke hated Thomas Boleyn, I don’t think he would’ve allowed a marriage to happen anyway.
If we think Thomas Boleyn would’ve held out for someone of higher rank, that’s when things get kinda tricky. She definitely wouldn’t have married a Duke because, in the late 1520s there were only 3 Dukes in England: the Duke of Norfolk (her uncle), the Duke of Richmond and Somerset (Henry VIII’s bastard), and the Duke of Suffolk (Charles Brandon—still married to Mary Tudor). There were 2 Marquess’ in the 1520s, the Marquess of Dorset and the Marquess of Exeter but neither of them could really be marriage contenders because, at the time Anne would’ve been of marriageable age the Marquess of Dorset was held by Thomas Grey who was born in 1477 (literally the same year as Thomas Boleyn) and he was married; and his son, who succeeded him, was born in 1517. The other Marquess was the Marquess of Exeter which was created for Henry Courtenay in 1525...except he was also already married. Then we get to the earls; there were 3 in the 1520s. There was Francis Talbot, Earl of Shrewsbury who was born in 1500, but he married in 1523 and also he remained Catholic. There was also Edward Stanley, Earl of Derby born in 1508, however, in real life, Stanley was under the wardship of the 3rd Duke of Norfolk who, as we already discussed, hated Thomas Boleyn so it’s doubtful he would’ve consented to a marriage with Thomas Boleyn’s daughter over one of the many eligible Howard girls. Then we have George Hastings, Earl of Huntingdon—born in 1488 and married in 1509.
There weren’t many Viscounts (the title seems to have been rarely given to a man in his own right, usually it was a subsidiary title for the son of a nobleman with a higher rank like Earl or Duke). I didn’t really look into the barons of the period because it’s late and I’m tired and I know there were a lot more barons than any of these other titles and I just don’t feel like looking through all of them—but I might later and make an edit to this...
So yeah, if Thomas Boleyn was willing to settle for someone of lesser rank, I think Edward Seymour would’ve been a pretty strong contender.
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Catherine of Aragon’s Ladies-In-Waiting/Maids-Of-Honor
Ladies-in-waiting:
Anne Hastings - Daughter of William Hastings and Katherine Neville. Married at 10 years old to 13 year old George Talbot, becoming Countess of Shrewsberry. The two had 11 children.
Mary Say - Daughter of Sir William Say and Elizabeth Fray. Married to Henry Bourchier.
Elizabeth Scrope - daughter of Sir Richard Scrope and Eleanor Washbourne. Married to William Beaumont.
Margaret Scrope - No info.
Elizabeth Stafford - Daughter of Edward Stafford and Eleanor Percy. Her father was executed for treason against Henry VIII. Married to Thomas Howard, making her the Duchess of Norfolk. The two had five children. In 1530, she was caught conveying letters to Catherine of Aragon, and was exiled from court the next year.
Agnes Tylney - Daughter of Hugh Tylney and Eleanor Tailboys. Married to Thomas Howard, making her the Duchess of Norfolk. The two had seven children. She was put in the tower when her step-granddaughter, Katherine Howard, was convicted for treason, but was eventually released.
Maud Green - Daughter of Sir Thomas Green and Jane Fogge. Married to Sir Thomas Parr when she was 16 years old. The two had three children, including Katherine Parr.
Elizabeth Howard - Daughter of Thomas Howard and Elizabeth Tinley. Married to Thomas Boleyn. The two had three children, including Anne Boleyn.
Margaret Pole - Daughter of George Plantagenet and Isabel Neville. Her brother, Edward, was executed in 1499 for treason against Henry VII. Married to Sir Richard Pole, the two had five children. She was executed in 1541 for treason against Henry VIII.
Joan Vaux - Daughter of Sir William Vaux and Katherine Penyston. Married to Sir Richard Guilford, the two had one child. In 1499, she was made Lady Governess to Princess Margaret and Mary. She stood for Henry VIII as a witness that Catherine of Aragon and Arthur, Prince of Wales, had consummated their marriage.
Maids-of-honor:
Dorothy Badby - No info.
Elizabeth (Bessie) Blount - Daughter of Sir John Blount and Catherine Pershall. She was mistress to Henry VIII for about eight years, and bore him an illegitimate son, Henry Fitzroy. Married Gilbert Tailboys, then again to Edward Clinton. She gave birth to 7 children in her lifetime.
Gertrude Blount - Daughter of William Blount. Married to Henry Courtenay, the two had two children. She was chosen as godmother at the confirmation of Princess Elizabeth, even though she was a close friend of Catherine of Aragon. In 1538, she was put in the Tower along with her husband and son. Her husband was executed, but her and her son were released.
Anne Boleyn - Daughter of Thomas Boleyn and Elizabeth Howard. Married Henry VIII when his marriage to Catherine of Aragon was annulled. The two had one child, the future Elizabeth I. She was executed on false charges in 1536.
Joan Champernowne - Daughter of Sir Phillip Champernowne and Katherine Carew. Married to Sir Anthony Denny, the two had twelve children.
Elizabeth Darrell - Daughter of Sir Edward Darrell and Alice Flye. She was the mistress of Sir Thomas Wyatt, who she bore three children by. Married to Robert Stroud in her later years.
Bridget Fogge - Daughter of Sir John Fogge and Alice Fogge. Married to Antoneye Lowe, the two had four children.
Margery Horsman - Close friend of Anne Boleyn’s, and was one of those interrogated before Anne’s arrest.
Frideswide Knight - No info.
Mary Norris - Daughter of Thomas Fiennes and Anne Bourchier. Married to Sir Henry Norris, the two had four children. Five years after her death, her husband was executed for being one of the five alleged lovers of Anne Boleyn.
Katherine Payne - No info.
Jane Popyngcort - Taught Princess Margaret and Mary French. Was rumored to be a mistress of Henry VIII.
Maria de Salinas - Daughter of Martín de Salinas and Josefa González. Married to William Willoughby, the two had one child. She was a good friend of Catherine of Aragon’s, but wasn’t allowed to see her after the annulment from Henry VIII.
Jane Seymour - Daughter of Sir John Seymour and Margery Wentworth. Married Henry VIII after the execution of Anne Boleyn, and she bore him one child, a son. She died not long after she gave birth.
Anne Stanhope - Daughter of Sir Edward Stanhope and Elizabeth Bourchier. Married to Sir Edward Seymour, making her the Duchess of Somerset. The two had seven children. She was said to be very snobby, but was highly intelligent.
Lucy Talbot - No info.
Anne Weston - No info.
Mary Zouche - No info.
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