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dreamings-free · 5 months

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‘A dirty nightclub in an arena’ – behind Louis Tomlinson’s Faith In The Future World Tour

Louis Tomlinson and his tight-knit touring crew traverse the world in close to 80 shows, fulfilling a ‘dirty nightclub in an arena’ brief with a dynamic live campaign.

Production Profiles 5 January 2024

Following the success of his record-breaking Live From London livestream, which reportedly raised over £1m for touring and live events personnel and charitable organisations, Louis Tomlinson and his tight-knit crew have toured the world twice over. This time, visiting sold-out arenas in Europe and the UK with a cleverly networked live production with abstract video and lighting and a ‘no frills’ approach to sound, which guaranteed that every ticket holder experienced the same show, regardless of where they stood, sat, or screamed (more on that later). With close to 80 shows under their belt, TPi visited London’s O2 arena ahead of the production’s penultimate date of 2023.

Words: Jacob Waite Photos: Justin De Souza and Oli Crump

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“A team effort is required to get this show off the ground,” explained Technical Manager, Sam ‘Kenny’ Kenyon, who has been a fixture of Louis Tomlinson’s live output since joining as Lighting Crew Chief in 2019. “This has been a complete redesign, and the production has expanded and gotten more complex, which requires different solutions to make it happen.”

Kenny and the team oversaw the deployment of an A and B rig. “We’ve been fortunate for the European stint that the venues we’ve toured have, mostly, been arenas. The main difference between the A and B rig is the addition of IMAG and further lighting header trusses. Aside from that, the A rig fits everywhere. If anything, we’ve run into weight issues, which we can overcome swiftly by removing overhead trusses.”

For the first few shows, Riggers, Ian Bracewell, and Alex Walker incorporated load cells on trusses to get an accurate rate and account of the weight of the load of each truss. In the UK, The Brighton Centre had a particularly low-rate roof with weight limitations. Production Manager, Craig Sherwood and Tour Manager, Tom Allen’s vendors of choice included: Altour (travel), Beat the Street, BPM SFX, CSE Crosscom, Colour Sound Experiment (lighting, rigging, and video), Hangman UK, Boxcat Studio and Two Suns Creative (video content), LED Creative, Ox Event House (custom light housings), Sarah’s Kitchen, Seven 7 Management (artist management), Solotech (audio), Stardes Trucking, and TANCK (production design and video content).

There was no video director, as the show’s visuals were programmed and interspersed with live footage and triggered by a lighting console at FOH, thanks in part to an intricate network setup. “There’s a lot going on in racks that people never see, but it has been stable thanks to the quality of kit supplied by our vendors, who have invested heavily, and the team taking the time to programme the show,” Kenny noted.

Key to the success of the operation was the incorporation of Central Control software, which takes a signal from a lighting console, be it ACN or Art-Net, and translates it to talk to various products – in this case, video. “There is a giant brain that nobody knows exists other than those that have programmed it,” he added.

Additional crew members joined the tour in Europe to aid the video deployment and lead to far more efficient load-in an -outs. “We are close to 80 shows in and on days where we have access to multiple trucks, it comes out very quickly, which for a show of this scale is impressive and credit goes to the team,” enthused Kenny. “The biggest hurdle is when you’ve only got a two-truck dock.”

Prior to the tour, the team had five days of production rehearsals spent in Connecticut’s Mohegan Sun. “When we came to Europe a week later, we had a week of re-prepping with a day of rehearsals at Hamburg’s Barclays Arena, the day before a show,” he described. “It’s been a fun and long run,” added Stage Manager, Torin Arnold. “We’ve visited a good range of venues and countries – especially the Eastern European legs, visiting places you wouldn’t ordinarily tour and experiencing how they operate. This show is designed so it can be accomplished in any part of the world.” Carpenter, Harry Reeves was also on hand to support the build.

The routing, however, was sometimes challenging with some late arrivals and difficult border crossings. “There were a few times in Eastern Europe where we were doing a ferry back-to-back to arrive at 11am, sitting at a difficult border crossing. We usually start with a 7am mark out, so knocking hours off your load-in is tough but everyone pulled together to overcome it,” Arnold explained, noting that touring without staging, and instead, using venue stages (particularly rolling stages), was a blessing during those late arrivals. “As with any tour, as dates progress you build a rhythm while maintaining the safety of the build,” he noted.

Arnold also highlighted the benefit of Lead Truck Driver, Neil Thornton and Truck Drivers, Matt Marlow, Ben Woods, Sarah Goldsmith, Bob Miles, Alam Minshall, Franco DeRosa, and Ollie Thornton who “speed up the process” and maintained a level of consistency.

The transitions between support acts before Louis hit the stage was equally seamless, with ample downstage space for the singer-songwriter to traverse during his performance. “Having a clean frontline means we have space to get the bands on and off,” he added. “Our vendors have also provided everything from an audio package standpoint for support acts, which also speeds up the load-in and -out.”

Highlighting a ‘bucket list’ show at Hollywood Bowl, working closely with US union officials as a “fun” and “interesting” experience, Arnold reflected on the entire tour with crewmembers he now considers close friends. “This is a close team and I’ve made some great memories and stories. It’s been a fun year!”

A DIRTY NIGHTCLUB IN AN ARENA Production Designer, Programmer and Director, Tom Taylor, and Francis Clegg of TANCK have worked with Louis Tomlinson ever since he made the leap to solo artist. “The production design has evolved into an angular, grungy, asymmetrical setup, borne out of the ‘dirty nightclub in an arena setting’ creative brief I was given,” Taylor said, citing the creative influence of Matt Vines and Seven 7 Management. “Louis is a phenomenal performer, and the crowd is captivated the entire time. We started knocking ideas around, speaking to Louis about his inspirations and influences, which we then developed into a creative deck, which I sketched in Blender, and imported into WYSIWYG for visuals, to create stills and pre-visualise.”

Taylor spent 10 days programming the visuals at Colour Sound Experiment, a firm he shares a “longstanding” relationship with. “They are always a call away regardless of the day or time. Their team is easy to get along with and I like their whole ‘production sphere’ – sometimes it’s nice to split lighting and video, but for a show like this, aligning those departments with one line of communication is ideal,” he said, underlining the support of Colour Sound Experiment Account Handler, Haydn Cruickshank.

With production rehearsals under their belt and recordings from Louis Tomlinson World Tour (2020–22), where TANCK piloted Central Control software, the creatives understood how the singer and his band moved on stage, developing a rhythm and consistency of when to implement visual cues and which camera angle fit best. This allowed the team to pre-programme the visual content to timecode.

Video content was made by a combination of TANCK, Two Suns Creative, and Boxcat Studio, with the latter creating 3D models and rendered content, all of which was broadcast across a unique set of video surfaces. “Having the abstract video columns on stage makes it much more interesting than your standard slab of LED at the back of the stage,” Taylor noted.

On stage boxes created by Ox Event House housed GLP JDC Line 1000 strobes with reflective panelling and fabric that were printed to look like heavy concrete slabs, ladened with custom LED Creative solutions. These boxes then moved up and down using Wahlberg Motion Design winches to provide a “low-level, clubby feel” to the set.

“The winches can only carry 50kg and the lights alone are 35kg, so we had to be careful not to overload them, but the result was cool. We also have one single lightbulb on a winch which comes up and down above Louis to create a classic lighting moment,” Taylor said, further highlighting Ayrton Huracán’s prismatic colour wheel as a ‘fan favourite’.

The lighting design saw a wall of GLP impression X4 Bar 20s at the rear of the stage in 12 columns. Further lighting trusses over the stage carried the Wahlberg winches for several automated looks. The DMX winches were utilised for three or four songs, either statically or moving up and down, while JDC Line 1000s provided colour and strobe effects, to achieve varied looks, with a relatively minimal overhead lighting package.

Taylor elaborated: “There are some shutters for one specific track which go directly in-front of some of the GLP X4 Bars to get the aura of the lights, instead of the lenses, which I really like the look of. Lighting and video complement each other during this show – there’s also a section with flickering fluorescent tubes on the video content with the X4 Bar 20s behind the LED screens flickering in a similar way.

Taylor was delighted with the performance of the crew. “Overall, it has been a great run, executed flawlessly,” he commented, citing the support of Lighting Crew Chief, James Box; Dimmer Technician, Rick Carr, and Lighting Technicians, Amy Barnett, and Kieran Hancox.

The wider lighting rig comprised Ayrton Eurus, CHAUVET Professional Strike Array 4, Claypaky Mini-B eLumen8 Endura 1Q120, and Robe BMFL fixtures with robo cameras, all fixed on various HOF MLT3, Litec QH40 and Thomas James Thomas Engineering Superstruss. The lighting riser featured Ayrton Huracan LT and GLP JDC1 fixtures.

Robe Spiider fixtures were situated on the up and downstage video trusses, with the floor package boasting the deployment of further Ayrton Eurus, LEDJ Spectra Flood Q15 and Chroma-Q Color Force 72 units, the latter chosen for key light. Atmospherics came in the shape of Smoke Factory Tour Hazer 2, Martin Professional JEM ZR45 and MDG Atmosphere ATMe hazers with TMB ProFans. “We had some challenging shows, implementing an arena-scale design into sheds in the US, but it’s been good to return to Europe and witness the fans enjoying the show,” added Lighting Crew Chief, James Box, who pinpointed the use of the multicoloured glass gobo in Hurricanes as among his favourite looks.

“There is a lot of effort put in by TANCK to ensure we get the utmost from every fixture on the rig, which is great to see, when the team has gone to the effort of assembling the show each morning. Seeing the looks they achieve from the rig and the extra details, with each advanced cue within the show, is a pleasure.

Almost every pixel on the JDC Line 1000 and X4 impression Bars are being used.”

Video Crew Chief, Dave Mallandain, formerly of Colour Sound Experiment, supervised the video build and the team of Video Technicians, Ed Driver, Frank Wlliams and Tim Curwen.

“Working with Colour Sound Experiment again, in a freelance capacity, certainly has its benefits,” he stated. “You get to know the workflows and personalities of the company. There is an element of trust there and our relationship is stronger because of that.” The 2.5m by 2.5m video screen, made up of Leyard CLM6 LED panels with Colorlight Z6 processing on the back end, was built in an abstract configuration – hung from varying size steel structures fixed on to lighting truss, spanning the entire stage, as opposed to a traditional backwall. “This setup requires us to build it quicker, so the backline can start building their world, but it’s very lightweight and easy to use, so once the local crew are up to speed, it flies up in no time,” he reported.

During the show, there was a lot of camera angles fed into a Blackmagic ATEM switcher, with content then fed into Resolume media servers which was processed and treated with video effects and filters to manipulate the content, monitored by the video team, and pre-programmed by Taylor via an MA Lighting grandMA3 console, operating in MA2 mode.

“The fan camera, which was one of Tom’s ideas, has evolved to the point where Frank and I are on stage during Out Of My System, pointing these cameras fabricated in an old VHS-style shell at Louis’ face in reference to the fisheye-lens inspired music video.”

A mixture of Marshall Electronics and Panasonic PTZ cameras ensured the wider on-stage action was captured. “While the visual content is the same, the shots differ based on the energy of the crowd from night to night,” he explained. “We have an overhead shot for the drums, and another behind Louis, which shoots over his shoulder to the crowd. We also have a PTZ camera on the ground in front of Louis which can rotate to capture crowd scans along with a little ‘bullet camera’ for each musician. It’s been a fantastic tour; everyone on this team has been phenomenal.”

The special effects and pyrotechnics package supplied by BPM SFX included Galaxis PFC 10-way receivers running Galaxis, with a main and a backup controller, which ran through an MA Lighting grandMA2 console, to trigger MagicFX Stadium Shot IIs and a single shot of red streamers. The latter, a “signature of Louis Tomlinson live shows”, according to BPM SFX Technician, Jack Webber – who toured with a new custom control rack, with much of the hardware integrated in one rack.

BPM SFX Account Handler, Matt Heap and SFX Technicians, Blake Harward and Phillip Mathew also provided Webber with support. “The one major change on this tour was putting the Stadium Shot IIs at the downstage edge, and adding lasers for the O2 arena show,” said Webber, who has been involved in past touring campaigns with the camp. “This is the first touring camp to take me to the US, so I feel incredibly privileged.”

Safety was paramount for the BPM SFX team, who implemented the safeguard of warning notices on-stage to ensure the band knew exactly when an effect was triggered. In closing, Webber referenced the ‘rainbow-inspired’ track, She Is Beauty We Are World Class, which demonstrated the strength of the special effects package. “There are about 22 rapid fire chase Comets all going off at the same time with a big lift, which differs in comparison to the other looks with eight units.”

MIXING IN A SEA OF SCREAMS FOH Engineer, John Delf mixed on an Avid S6L 32D console with onboard plug-ins. “I use the onboard plug-ins as much as possible because I want to keep it as simple as possible and know I’ve got a show out of the box without any added extras, which is particularly useful during fly-in gigs, where I have to use a house console or have limited time to set up,” he noted. Delf also toured with some choice pieces of outboard gear including a Rupert Neve Designs 5045 primary source enhancer for vocals, an Empirical Labs Fatso two-channel compressor for drums, and further Distressors for the bass guitar group and vocals.

“The bulk of my mixing is riding the DCA control groups and the vocals, balancing between them, and when there is a lead guitar solo, I’ll jump to that. Most of the mix should stay where it is, and I shouldn’t have to think about it, but every day you make major tweaks and refinements based on how the musicians are performing. Most of the gig is turning the band up and down without affecting the vocals because I have DCAs for drums, bass, guitars, keyboards, main vocal, backing vocals, and an ‘all’ DCA that includes everything but vocals,” he said, explaining his mixing wizardry modestly. “I also run snapshots in which I am changing the sub send amount for different songs, as well as reverb and delay times. If the band changes the set last minute, I have the desk synced to the timecode and that will trigger the snapshots.”

At the beginning of the set, the noise of the crowd can be between 112 to 116dB. “We have a little bit of headroom. When they are loud, I can push the mix, and when they are quieter, I can pull it back for the more introspective moments of the show,” he explained.

“My favourite section to mix is the transition from a cover of Arctic Monkeys’ 505 into Back to You. When that kicks in, I push the “All” DCA up to +10. We’ve built the set up to that point, where I’m able to throw it to the top before the end of the set. The three songs in the encore are also fun songs to mix,” he enthused, accenting the support of Solotech Account Handler, David Shepherd.

“I’ve worked with Dave for years, while he was at BCS Audio (now part of Solotech). He’s been my go-to account handler for a very long time, and Solotech has inherited this gig from them, so there was a natural transition.”

System Engineer and Head of Audio, Oli Crump walked TPi through the PA system: “We’ve been using L-Acoustics, which is our preference, since the start of last year’s tour. The main hang has been K1 with K2 downfill for both tours, however, we are touring with a much larger system this year with K2 on the sides instead of KARA-II. We’re flying subwoofers and carrying delays with us, which is also our preference in big arenas, like the O2 – it provides an even level of coverage across the audience,” the TPi Breakthrough Talent Award alumni said, explaining the thought process behind a larger sound system.

“The PA system is naturally bigger this year because we’re touring larger venues. The crowd is very loud, and we need to be able to compete with that at points of the show. The window of dynamic range we have without it being too loud is compressed because the background level from the crowd is so high, so we need to be able to get our level as consistent as possible from front to back. This setup really helps overcome that.”

Out of ear shot from Crump, Delf extolled the virtues of his partner at FOH: “Oli and I work well together. Every day, regardless of the venue, I know the system is going to sound consistent. We deal with different venue acoustics each day but as soon as I run up my virtual soundcheck, I’ve got the mix back to where I want it because the PA is at the same level every day. I used to walk the room a lot during sound check, but it always sounded consistent, so I’ve stopped doing that because I trust him explicitly.”

The PA generally sat in a standard location for an arena PA, 10.5m off centre and no wider than that, using the same basic system design as Louis Tomlinson’s past touring campaign, which Crump worked on with Kenny to ensure it didn’t impede the production design. “The number of boxes we deploy varies from show to show, based on the venue. The worst-case scenario [visually] is that the PA needs to be a little lower than usual and gets in the way of the IMAG screens slightly,” Crump detailed.

He designed the system using Soundvision, then imported his file into Network Manager, with a DirectOut Technologies PRODIGY.MP chosen for system processing. “I have visited many of the European arenas before so I’ve got fairly accurate plots, however, sometimes you will stumble across an error someone has made in building the models,” he continued. “Madrid’s WiZink Center had different CAD drawings for each layer of the venue and one of the layers was accidentally scaled wrong, so the bottom floors were fine but as you went up everything was out. You get curveballs like that occasionally but that’s why it’s important to verify drawings.”

An audience also changes the acoustics of a room, generally for the better, but sometimes not, so Crump was on hand at FOH to make tweaks when required. “As rooms get larger, they generally get more difficult, reverb time will go up purely as a factor of the room size, regardless of how you treat it. The O2 is quite tall seating-wise, so you end up having to angle the PA up into the roof a lot,” Crump noted.

Over by the stage, Monitor Engineer, Barrie Pitt mixed the five-piece band and frontman using a DiGiCo Quantum 338 console. “Louis and the band are good at verbalising what they want. They’ve been playing a long time, so it’s my job to translate those desires into the mix,” he explained. “DiGiCo has been my ‘go-to’ brand of console for the past 15 years. The 338 is an incredibly powerful console, which can do as much as any other on the market and more in a much less convoluted way. I know it like the back of my hand and how to get the best out of it and do the most complicated things at the push of a button. The Capture features are ridiculously powerful.”

Pitt oversaw 85 channels, 64 directly from stage, with additional channels for shouts, sends, returns, communications, and routing, among others. His outboard rack included a classic Lexicon PCM 91 digital reverberator for vocals. “The way I set up the communications and shout systems are the same across the board. For the layout, a lot of people have instruments on one side and vocal and effects on the other, however, I tend to adjust my banks of faders visually, how you would see it on stage, left to right, as a nod to my analogue mixing days. My second layer is usually tracks and any track content with reverbs next to the vocals, so they’re changed in unison. Sometimes, I’ll do a custom layer of [drum or spill group, two lead guitar channels and vocal] the things I use most, particularly if it’s a busy show input-wise.”

Pitt referred to the basis of his mix as ‘static’ with minor changes. “Louis changes a fair bit between songs I’m running upwards of 60 scenes with a lot of songs having multiple scenes for verse and chorus or specific sections,” he explained. The Monitor Engineer is a big believer in unifying the in-ear monitors, so what he hears is the same as those on stage. “We use Shure PSM1000s, JH Audio Roxanne in-ear monitors for Louis and JH16s for everyone else, except for the drummer, who is using Ultimate Ears IEMs. Louis and the band are solid, and they keep their ears in from start to finish. Louis wants the rock star mix; he likes to feel the weight of the mix. It’s not an overpowering mix but it’s a full mix with his vocal on top with Neve 5045 primary source enhancers on all vocals. Everyone else has a standard band mix at moderate level with their instrument and vocals high. The drummer has the most straightforward mix with his drums and shouts layered on top.”

A further pair of subwoofers stage left, and right were situated under the stage risers, providing the weight of side fills without the top end. “It’s a big rock show with drums and guitars, so the less noise I can have flying about the stage, the better,” he said.

The microphone package included a Shure Axient Digital AD4D two-channel digital wireless receiver, a AD2 vocal microphone with a KSM9 capsule for vocals. Sennheiser MKH 60 and AKG C414 XLS microphones captured the ambient noise of the room. “We track everything, including the two sets of ambient microphones for recording and virtual soundcheck, in case the band decides to do anything with the live content,” he noted.

Having collaborated with Solotech and previously BCS Audio multiple times, Pitt was pleased to see the company on the tour sheet. “They are a solid choice and I know Dave Shepherd well. They fix any problems swiftly, and all their gear is well packaged and maintained,” he said. “The band and crew are lovely. It’s rare to come across a camp so friendly on a show of this size.” Pitt thanked Solotech Monitor and Stage Technician, Matt Coton. “He is fantastic. He takes all the second guessing out of my day and is so meticulous and thorough that I know everything will be as it should be from the get-go. When there are issues, he knows exactly what to do to remedy it. He’s been a joy to work and hang out with.”

Audio Technicians, Matt Coton, Tim Miller, Kim Watson, Elliott Clarke, James Coghlan, Matt Benton; Bassist and Keyboard Technician, Chris Freeman; Guitar Technician, Dan Ely and Playback Technician, Scotty Anderson made up the sound team.

CURATING A HOME AWAY FROM HOME Sarah Nicholas of Sarah’s Kitchen and Caterers, Rebecca Henderson, Helena Robertson, Chris Carter, Matty Pople and Tamsin Manvell provided band and crew catering, ensuring morale stayed high and stomachs were full on the road. Making a name for themselves as One Direction’s caterers, the outfit now cater for each of the band members’ individual tours and private functions, amassing a dedicated online following. “I started catering for Louis and the rest of One Direction during their first theatre gig in Watford and I feel very privileged to have that connection. At dinner time, we perform a plate service, which I think is important – our reputation is not only built on really good food but the entire hospitality package, creating a nourishing environment away from home,” Nicholas said.

Sarah’s Kitchen provided a range of vegan, gluten-free and vegetarian options. “We also provide disposable products and water coolers, and our runner regularly collects fresh, local produce from markets based on where we are in the world,” she explained.

The wider European crew featured Security, Kristian ‘Ches’, Ross Foster, Ben Major, and Gav Kerr; Merchandisers, Jon Ellis and Maddy Stephens; Bus Drivers, Aivaras Arminas, Frederico Antunes, Scott Pickering, Chris Grover; Entourage Bus Driver, Paul Roberts; Merchandise Truck Driver, Warren Dowey; BTS UK Account Handler, Garry Lewis; Stardes Account Handlers, Tyrone Reynolds, and Alam Minshall; CSE Crosscom Account Handler, Hannah Evans and Altour Travel Account Handler, Alexandra Gati.

Having wrapped up the best-selling livestream of 2020 – a lofty achievement given the proliferation of remote productions amid the grounding of live events with in-person crowds – Tomlinson shows no signs of slowing down post-pandemic, making the leap from sold-out theatres to arenas across the globe with his trusty crew in tow. “Live From London was great because the crew and I really needed it,” Delf said. “It gave us some much-needed work amid the lockdown, and all the proceeds went directly to the crew, which was an incredibly honourable thing to do. To come back out on the other side of lockdown was great. It was a dark time back then for everyone, but to be back out on tour surrounded by friends, who feel more like family, it’s special.”

-> read here on Issuu

#louis #fitf tour #fitfwt #lt crew #tpi magazine #05.01.24 #article #touring #thank youu omglarryrabbit ;)#love getting to peek behind the scenes this is great

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damiannasworld · 5 months

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An interesting but also kind of sad interview. 🥲

Behind is an incredible year which threw Käärijä or Vantaa's Jere Pöyhönen to the stars and an artist loved by the entire nation. Along with the huge popularity came the loss of privacy which Käärijä tries to protect.

"If I drive into the yard I try to make sure that no one sees that I have entered the building. I've tried to play life so that it wouldn't be known where I live. It's surprisingly hard when people are shouting outside the house and it feels like there's no space of your own at home anymore."

Käärijä and Häärijä also have a Christmas calendar on the OnlyFans site where they fool around flashing their buttocks.

"It could have gone better if it had been put in earlier but there was no time. But Häärijä will buy a convertible with it."

Käärijä opened up about his future plans.

"My goal is that in five years I can go to my own little apartment in Thailand and not have to do a single day of honest work. That's my goal but we'll see if anything comes of it. I make music as long as it's fun and I enjoy it."

What has the year taught him?

"That family is the most important."

#no privacy even at home 😭#the lack of time is the reason why the calendar is what it is #also is he planning to retire in 5 years? 🥲#I was hoping he would have a long and successful career 😔#idk why this made me so emotional 🥺#käärijä #interview #linnan juhlat #december 2023

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louisupdates · 7 months

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The Habit He Can’t Break 3/4

IQ 123 | Gordon Masson | 9.11.2023

We Made It

Making sure that the Faith in the Future tour delivers Tomlinson to his growing legion of fans, PM Sherwood’s first long association with the artist manager, Vines made him the obvious choice when the artist first began his solo career.

“I remember doing a lot of promo dates around the UK and US before we started touring properly,” says Sherwood of his work with Tomlinson. “In fact, one of the first shows I remember doing with Louis was in Madrid when he played in a stadium, and I could see it was a taste of things to come.”

The partnership between Sherwood and Vines is crucial.

“In terms of the show growing, our biggest challenge is keeping costs down, because we’re extremely cautious on ticket pricing,” says Vines. “We don’t do dynamic pricing, we don’t do platinum ticketing, we don’t do paid VIPs, we don’t increase ticket prices on aisle seats – all those tricks that everyone does that most fans don’t know about: we don’t do any of those.”

“So, when it comes to the production side of things, we need to be incredibly careful. But I’ve been working with Craig for a decade, and he knows the importance of trying to keep costs as low as possible. For instance, we’ll run the show virtually a number of times, so Louis can watch it with the show designer, Tom Taylor, make comments and tweak things. Then we’ll go into pre-production. But we try to do as much in virtual reality as possible before we take it into the physical world.”

Sherwood states, “Basically we started out with two or three trucks, but now we’re up to nine, and things seem to be getting bigger day by day.”

Thankfully, Sherwood has amassed a vastly experienced crew over the years, allowing them to handle even the most unexpected scenarios. “I’ve been touring since the dawn of time, but the core crew I work with now has been together since about 2010, and I trust them implicitly, so I’ll leave it up to them who they hire, as long as they think I’m going to like them, and they all get along with everyone. So far, it has worked well,” Sherwood reports.

And the veteran crew has dealt with some terrifying weather extremes on the current tour, including a show at Red Rocks in Colorado, where the audience were subjected to a freak, storm with golf ball-sized hail stones injuring dozens of people.

Elsewhere, the crew has had to act quickly when the threat of high winds in Nashville caused problems on that outdoor run. “We didn’t want the video screens blowing about above the heads of the band, so it must have been amusing for the audience to see us taking them down,” Sherwood reports.

Indoors in Europe, the environment has been more controllable. The production itself involves an A-stage set 180° across the barricades, although Sherwood says that on occasion, a catwalk is also used by the perimeters.

“It’s a great lighting show and fantastic for audio, as we have phenomenal front-of-house sound engineer – John Delf, from Edge Studios – who makes life very easy for the rest of us,” says Sherwood. He also namechecks Barrie Pitt (monitor engineer), Oli Crump (audio system designer), Tom Taylor (lighting designer), Sam Kenyon (lighting technical director), and Torin Arnold (stage manager), while he praises Solo-Tech for supplying the sound, and Colour Sound Experiment (CSF) for taking charge of lighting, video, and rigging equipment.

Indeed CSE has 10 personnel out with the Faith in the Future tour. “We have eight screens on the road – six on stage plus two IMAGS that we use wherever appropriate, the company’s Haydn Cruikshank tells IQ.

“We need to tweak the rigging on a daily basis, as we move to different venues, but other than that, it’s a fairly smooth process thanks to Craig Sherwood. He is old school and planned and worked on the production very far in advance, which is a great scenario for all involved. Craig is definitely one of our favorite production managers to work with.”

Garry Lewis at bussing contractors Beat The Street is also a fan of PM Sherwood.

“Craig split the European tour into different runs. So, from Hamburg to Zürich, we had two super high decker 12-berth buses for the tour party and two 16-berth double-deckers for the crew,” says Lewis. “After the show in Athens, we still have the two super high-deckers, as Louis knew them – he prefers to spend time on the bus, rather than in hotels – but we also have two 12-berth super high-deckers for the crew, as well as another crew 16-berth double-decker.”

Lewis continues, “We’ve worked with Craig for a good few years, and we have a great relationship with him. He plans everything way in advance, so it means it’s all very straightforward for us with no issues. So, we use single drivers for each bus, except on the longer runs, or when our drivers are scheduled for prolong breaks, and then we’ll fly an extra drivers as needed.”

1/4, 2/4, 4/4

#iq magazine #louis tomlinson #9.11.2023 #louis press

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runnning-outof-time · 2 years

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We’ll Still Love You | Tommy Shelby x Reader

Request: yes by @obsessed19

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x reader

Summary: Tommy and (Y/N)'s youngest child has a hard time accepting the fact that she won't be the baby in the family anymore.

Warnings: none…just some family fluff and a moody three year old

Word Count: 2740

A/N: alright so this one may be a tad ooc, but I loved the idea and ran with it — and plus, we can all see Tommy being a sap when it comes to his wife and kids, right? Enjoy! :)

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future stories similar to this one!

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"Love, are you going to get up today?" the voice of (Y/N) Shelby's husband roused her from her sleep.

"I'm tired, Tommy...please let me be," she grumbled, feeling like she didn't even have the energy to lift her head from the pillow.

"The children are wondering where you are," Tommy continued, his voice coming closer to the bed.

"Have Marcy occupy them," (Y/N) brushed him off, mentioning the live-in nanny that the family had.

"She is...they're still asking for you." With a groan, (Y/N) finally mustered the energy to scoot up against the headboard. She looked over to Tommy, who had a slightly worried look on his features. "Are you alright?" he asked the question she already knew was on his mind.

"I'm fine," she brushed him off again, "do I look otherwise?"

"You rarely sleep past noon, (Y/N)," he pointed out, making (Y/N) turn and squint her eyes as she tried to read the time on the clock that was hanging on the far wall of their bedroom.

"It's past noon?" she asked, a slight bit of shock laced into her voice. Tommy nodded his head, prompting her to continue, "I just don't have any energy, Tommy," she sighed, looking down at her lap then.

"Anything else bothering you?" he inquired.

She paused for a moment before answering, wondering if she should disclose the fact that it felt like her stomach was doing constant somersaults. "Not really, no," she said, shaking her head for added effect. Tommy gave her a look then...one of his signature 'I know that there's more to this story, but I'm not gonna be the one to pull it out of you' looks. "Can you tell the kids that I'll be down in a few minutes?" she asked him, sending a hopeful look in his direction.

He nodded in response to her question, still holding his previous look for a few moments before it dissolved into a soft smile. "I'll tell them," he then verbally assured her before he turned to go back to the door of their bedroom.

(Y/N) stayed in her spot for a few moments before she let out a sound that was a mixture between a sigh and a groan. She tried to ignore the feeling of her upset stomach as she moved over to her wardrobe to get ready for the day.

About twenty minutes, several muttered curse words, and one dumped out bathroom drawer later, (Y/N) was finally walking through the archway to the front sitting room.

She first saw her two children. Five year old Oliver was off in the corner, playing with his favorite wooden train set. Three year old Anna was, of course, sitting right at her father's feet as she held two dolls in her hands and made it so they were talking with each other. Anna always had to be near Tommy. From just about the moment that she was born, the only solace she found was in the presence of her father. She was undoubtedly a daddy's girl.

"Mumma!" Oliver exclaimed when he noticed she'd entered the room, standing from the ground to run over and greet her physically. (Y/N) finally pulled her eyes off of Tommy and Anna to focus on her son, a smile on her face as he reached out to hug her.

Her smile fell when his arms wrapped tightly around her hips, and she let out a hiss at the contact. "Not too tight, Oli...mum's hips are sore today," she told him in a soft voice, not wanting to scold him for simply giving her a hug, but at the same time wanting him to know that he couldn't squeeze her with all of his might.

"Sorry, mum," Oliver responded, easing up his grip but still holding onto her waist.

"It's alright, love," (Y/N) brushed his apology off, running her hands through his hair before she hugged him back. She then glanced up to see Tommy looking at her with the same look he'd given her before leaving the bedroom. She shot him a look that asked 'what?' before her eyes dropped to Anna, who was also looking at her mother now. "What are we doing down here?" she asked the trio then, wanting to be filled in on what she'd missed.

"Just playing," Oliver answered as he let go of her waist so that he could return to his train set. "Dad came in to sit with us so we wouldn't be lonely," he added as he sat on the floor again.

"You guys weren't enjoying your time with Marcy?" (Y/N) asked with furrowed eyebrows as she sat down on one of the empty chairs next to the couch.

"We were, but Anna didn't want dad to leave after he came in the room with us," Oliver responded, making (Y/N) look over at the little girl with a soft smile...yep, she was a daddy's girl, alright.

"Oh, I see," (Y/N) nodded her head before her eyes fell onto Tommy. "Did you move the washrag that I use for my face every morning?" she asked him.

"I didn't, no," Tommy shook his head.

"Are you sure?" (Y/N) didn't drop the topic after hearing his answer.

"Why would I say that I didn't if I'd actually done it?" Tommy posed a question of his own, his brows furrowing.

"Because I heard you moving things around in there earlier this morning," she accused him.

"I wasn't moving things this morning," he disagreed with her.

"Yes, you were. I heard you," she insisted.

"You must've been dreaming, love."

"Please don't put this on me, Tommy," (Y/N) said with wide eyes, her annoyance for the entire situation growing by the second.

"Don't put it on me either, because I've not done anything," he didn't allow her to make him take the role of the bad guy in the situation. Feeling frustrated, (Y/N) tipped her head back with an exasperated groan. "Are you sure you're feeling ok, love?" he asked her, noticing some more slight nuances in the way she was behaving.

“Yes, Tommy, I’m fine…please stop asking,” she insisted, trying so hard to control her annoyance in front of their kids. She didn’t quite know why she was getting so aggravated at him over such simple things, but it was almost like she couldn’t control it.

Tommy didn’t respond, but instead gave her one last look that asked the question ‘are you sure?’ before Anna stood up and took the two adults’ full attention. “Why are you mad at daddy, mummy?” she asked, her head tilted to the side in an inquisitive manner.

(Y/N) sighed and pursed her lips as she heard what her daughter asked. Before she could say anything, Tommy was answering for the both of them, “mum’s just not feeling so well today is all, darling. Nothing to worry about,” he assured Anna, who nodded with a smile before dropping to the ground to continue with her dolls.

Tommy and (Y/N) shared another glance after Anna was dealt with. She wanted so badly to refute what he’d just said, but she bit her tongue. It’s not a big deal, she kept telling herself, taking a deep breath before she focused her attention on Oliver, who’d been asking her to watch him drive his train.

—

Later that night, (Y/N) returned to her room after kissing her kids goodnight. She was surprised to find Tommy standing by his wardrobe; getting ready for bed. “Finished with your work early tonight?” she asked him, quite surprised that he’d retired for the night already.

Tommy shook his head slightly before he began undoing his tie, “no…I’m just neglecting it because I need to talk to you,” he answered her honestly, his eyes meeting hers through the floor length mirror.

“To me?” (Y/N) asked him with some disbelief in her voice.

“Yes, to you,” Tommy responded, setting his tie in the wardrobe before he turned around to face her again. He glanced briefly in her direction before he began unbuttoning his shirt. “I think something’s going on with you, (Y/N),” he started off. (Y/N) opened her mouth to refute his statement, but he kept talking before she could get a word out, “you’ve not been acting like yourself for these past few weeks…I’ve noticed. You’re tired, easily irritated, your hips are sensitive, and I’ve asked Frances…your aversions to certain foods has increased,” he listed off all of the changes he’s noticed with her.

(Y/N) stared at him for a moment, blinking a few times before she said anything. “So I’m just doing everything wrong then, yeah?” she finally asked, her bottom lip close to wavering.

“No,” Tommy shook his head, “you’ve just been acting like you did the last time.”

“What last time?” she asked.

“Anna,” was all Tommy said.

(Y/N)’s eyes widened as what he was trying to convey finally clicked in her mind. “No…” she trailed off, disbelief now back in her voice.

“I think so,” Tommy nodded, his brows raised slightly.

She was flabbergasted. Could she be pregnant again? What Tommy brought up made sense. She was doing everything she did just before she found out she was expecting their daughter.

“It wouldn’t be such a surprise now, would it?” Tommy broke her from her thoughts as he moved over to her side, “it’s not like we haven’t been trying,” he added as he pressed a kiss to her temple. (Y/N) only snorted at his statement and glanced over at him before he left her side to go to the en suite.

The idea still sounded so foreign…pregnant.

——

“Your blood tests have returned, Mrs. Shelby,” (Y/N)’s doctor announced as he entered the exam room she’d been sitting in. (Y/N) perked up as she waited to hear the results. “You are with child,” he broke the news to her. It didn’t hit her as much of a surprise though…her conversation with Tommy became more real when she didn’t get her normal menses the following week. Now these results only confirmed what she had an inkling of.

“Ok,” she nodded her head as she digested the news. Even though she expected it, she still felt a little overwhelmed by it. Her family was growing…they’d have to adjust; going from two kids to three would surely be hard.

“Do you have any questions?” her doctor asked after giving her a few moments for the news to set in.

“I don’t. Thank you,” (Y/N) answered with a smile.

“That’s good to hear. I’ll have the nurse set up your check-ins and you’re free to go,” he informed her with a smile. (Y/N) agreed with his words before she followed him out of the exam room.

Now she’d have to tell her family this news.

—

“I don’t want a new baby!” Anna exclaimed with a rather angry expression on her face. Oliver, on the other hand, was at (Y/N)’s side the second after he’d been told the news. He had a wide smile on his face as he wrapped his arms around his mother’s waist.

(Y/N) expected her children to react to this news in the way that they did. Oliver was always the happy-go-lucky child, taking whatever news he was given with a nod and a soft smile. It made sense that this announcement would make him happy. Anna, on the other hand, was a mixed bag when it came to reactions. Sometimes she was elated, others she acted like this. (Y/N) suspected that she responded this way for two reasons: one, because she was the youngest and hadn’t been told anything like it before. Two, and (Y/N) felt that this reason was more important than the first, because Tommy wasn’t the one to tell her the news.

With a slight sigh, (Y/N) tried to think of a way to get through to her daughter. “It’s not quite something that I can take back now, hun,” she said, hoping to get it through to her that this baby was going to be a permanent member of their family.

“I’m the baby though! If you have another, I won’t be the baby anymore. I’m only three,” she said, her eyes filling with tears, her lip quivering.

“Anna,” (Y/N) sighed, her heart breaking to see her daughter like this.

“And…and, you and daddy won’t love me anymore because I won’t be the baby!” the floodgates broke as she said this sentence, and she quickly stood from the floor to run over to the chair in the corner of the sitting room. Once there, she flung herself onto the chair before crying loudly into the fabric.

(Y/N) looked at Tommy with a frown. It hurt her heart to see her child upset like this, and it made it even worse that she was the one who brought these emotions on. Tommy sent his wife a look of sympathy before he focused his attention on his crying daughter. He then slowly stood from the couch and made his way over to where she was.

“Anna,” he started as he crouched down to be at her level. “Anna, can you look at me, love?” he asked softly, placing his hand on her back.

She pulled her face out of the chair and swiped the tears off of her cheeks as she turned to look at him. “You’re not gonna love me anymore because I’m not the baby,” she said through her hiccups, a deep frown on her face.

Tommy sent her the same sympathetic look he gave his wife. Not many things got to his heart, but seeing his children in this state broke him. “No one ever said that, Anna,” he started, speaking in a soft voice as he kept his eyes locked onto hers, “mummy having another baby isn’t going to change the amount of love we have for you. You’ll still be my little girl, yeah?”

“But what if this new baby is a girl too?” she still wasn’t convinced.

Tommy couldn’t help but chuckle at her inquisitive statement. “Dad’s got enough room in his heart to share with each of you,” he assured her before he looked over to (Y/N), “you can ask your mum…she’s had space in there the longest.”

“Does dad still love you, mum?” Anna asked (Y/N), not missing a beat after Tommy finished speaking.

(Y/N) laughed slightly as a smile formed on her face. “Yes, hun. He loves me very much,” she assured the little girl.

“See? We’ll still love you, Anna. We’ll still love you to the moon and back down…”

“…and a hundred times around,” Anna finished the rest of the saying with her father as a smile grew on her face. She then reached over and wrapped her arms around Tommy’s shoulders, hugging him tightly.

Tommy returned the hug and held it for a few moments before they pulled back. “Why don’t you give your mum a hug too?” he suggested, his eyebrows raised slightly.

“Ok,” Anna nodded before she left Tommy’s side to go hug (Y/N). (Y/N) smiled and accepted the hug, squeezing her daughter tightly against her chest. “Our baby’s in here?” she asked after pulling away, glancing down at (Y/N)’s stomach.

“Yes, love. Our baby’s right in here,” (Y/N) answered with a slight nod as she rested her hand on her stomach. Her heart was swelling from the amount of love she was feeling at the moment.

“I’ll make sure not to squeeze you super hard because that’ll hurt the baby,” Anna said then, a serious look on her face.

(Y/N) nodded at her daughter’s statement, a wide smile on her face. She then looked over at Tommy, who was also smiling at the interaction that was happening. Anna then left her mother’s side to go back to her father, practically jumping into his arms for another hug. Seeing this made (Y/N)’s heart want to burst. She knew for sure now that Anna would be fine with the new baby. The little girl knew that her parents still loved her and that, of course, she was still daddy’s little girl.

———

Tagged: @mgcllovdrms @the-anxious-youth @cloudofdisney @look-at-the-soul @golden-hoax @elenavampire21 @peaky-cillian @mrsalwayswrite @julkaamazing @evita-shelby @lilyrachelcassidy @notyour-valentine @easilyobessedbutflighty @shelbydelrey @december16-1991 @onlydeadcells @peakyswritings @just-a-blackhole @watercolorskyy @strayrockette @peakyduchesss @alexxavicry @captivatedbycillianmurphy @yummycastiel @dark-academia-slut @tommystargirl @stevie75 @lyarr24 @signorellisantichrist @zablife @anotherblinder @midnightmagpiemama @cillmequick

MASTERLIST

#tommy shelby #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby x y/n #tommy shelby imagine #peaky blinders #peaky blinders x reader #peaky blinders x y/n #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders fanfiction #peaky blinders fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic

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safety-writes-noms · 3 months

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Ok, so firstly, I absolutely LOVE the dynamic between Callisto and Oliver. Just, Oliver trusting his big bro so much, and Callisto caring and protecting his little bro is just *mwa*.

Second (the actual question, lol), does Callisto ever figure out that he wasn't gonna hurt Oliver when he nomed him? And if he does, does it come up again? Like - does Oliver get in more trouble, and Callistos just like - "agh gotta save my baby bro!!" Nom.

Just overall, any info about them you're willing to give me I would absolutely die for. I love them and their dynamic so fricking much, and the fact that its platonic, tbh just makes it better. So many people focus on the romance part of vore, that I just get so excited when I see something like this!! So so lovely!!!

YES!! While i do think that the romance part of vore is pretty cool i find that there’s not a whole bunch of platonic stuff out there either.

While cal is dealing with the existential dread of knowing the full extent of his inhumanness, he’s also trying to figure out why there’s an increased number of reported attacks. theyre dismissed as bear attacks, crazy accidents, etc, and he’s getting suspicious as to why they’re all getting written off so quickly.

Also, despite promising oliver that he’ll stay, cal still keeps his distance because his instincts start acting up around oli and he has no idea what to make of them. He’s terrified of himself and what he could possibly do to his family.

Ethel comes up with family counseling, which is basically just one on one Cal and Oliver. It’s horribly awkward and it feels weird for both of them because they used to be super close and now neither know what to say.

it takes a while and they try to mend their relationship although there's setbacks and some misunderstandings that need to be cleared up. Callisto also is reluctantly convinced to delve deeper into his not so human parts of himself if only to find out if he's genuinely a threat to his loved ones.

surprise surprise, he manages to find out that 1. he doesn't really want to murder his little brother or his family (yay!) and 2. now that his brain has finally caught up with the rest of his biological instincts, he's slightly more open to exploring the rest of what he can do. slightly. he's not overly enthusiastic but its a start, at least.

meanwhile Oliver is struggling with nightmares and though he knows that Cal really wasn't trying to kill him (he was informed immediately after Cal figured it out) its kinds hard to get rid of the fear. it's weird for him since he desperately wants his brother to stay and he wants to spend time with him like he used to, he just can't get over it and it's so frustrating. he's struggling and while he is getting better slowly, it's still impacting him. his trust has been shaken though. on bad days he can't take being in enclosed, dark spaces and he hates the warmth of his blankets twisted around him at night.

(I got sidetracked sorry :v)

in the future, Cal will become secure enough with his identity to accept the fact that he gets weird urges every now and then and they're not the murderous sort. Oliver gets frustrated with his slow improvement and just decides to confront his fears head on, hoping that it'll just solve the problem all together and just asks Cal to nom him.

Cal is incredibly hesistant, but agrees nonetheless since Oliver says it'll help him. plus his instincts are going nuts in his head and while he has the will to ignore them, he can't deny how content he'd be with finally satisfying them. it goes okay, but a definite improvement from last time and Oliver manages to overcome some of his more irrational fears. still some setbacks but overall, not the worst. they're still improving :)

#extreme cuddling #sfw vore #sw answers asks #Callisto and Oliver #nonsexual vore

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ilyuu · 9 months

Text

update!

get ready folks this is a rollercoaster of emotions but uh, just to put this out here, it isn’t exactly good news

alright, so i think i’m gonna go ahead and quit writing for this blog. yeah, not exactly the best start to this - you think as a writer i’d know what words to use.

before anything - nope, i am not going to deactivate my blog, next best thing is to archive it since there’s so many memories that i like to at least keep, of my moots and of just a lot of things in general that i like to memorialize and a lot of writings and posts.

i want to keep them here because i want someone, whoever comes across it, to read whichever one and feel some semblance of comfort; that’s the main reason why i made this blog in the first place and that’s how i intend to leave it.

oh uh, yeah, for the reasons why i’m quitting, i can technically list a few :

genshin burnout : i don’t feel as strongly as i do for the game anymore, not as excited, even as fontaine was released, and stopped playing it a few months back. so, y’know, as genshin-centric this blog is, it’s technically a bit hard to try and get into something that you long lost interest for.

school : it’s catching me off-guard every time and even though i found a rhythm with my classes and schedule, it’s only asking for more of my time and, quite literally demanding. i’ll be honest and say that i can’t juggle a blog with a post every day and stay consistent with my schoolwork and what’s expected of me. i need to start thinking about my future.

spiraling thoughts : yup, you read that right; i’m back at it again with me thinking that my writing isn’t good enough and am doubting my skills as a writer as a whole, especially with my way of writing that as his poetic touch to it that’s making me wonder if it’s even worth anything at all.

with that, i think i just need to start writing for myself again because i haven’t felt that feeling for literally a while now.

have i thought about this for a while now? i have actually, somewhere in the middle of august but i was really, really hesitant for a lot of reasons.

said reasons being mainly my moots. i don’t like the ideas of leaving any of them behind at all, especially with them being the main reason why i love opening this app every day, seeing them flood my dash with everything that happened the night before, saying good morning, and seeing them in my notifs and inbox with their chaos and genuineness. i have so many memories here that i consider so dear to me because of each and every one of them, making my day and night, and… i don’t know, it’d suck to lose all of them.

@mikacynth : you were my first moot and i know i’ve mentioned and said this so many times to the point that you’d probably get sick of it but it did and does mean a lot to me knowing that you opened a door for me to meet so many others that made writing and just being on here amazing. you’re just so damn cool, creative, and nice and i’m so, so happy that i met you.

@floraldresvi : i don’t remember how i met you, and i’m so sorry for that vi, but you’re the kindest, absolutely gentle and attentive person i know and i just wonder how i ever got the chance to talk to you and be moots. i wish you nothing but the best because that’s all you deserve and more and you better keep that in mind vi.

@st0pthatsgay : this was a strangers to friends to lovers arc fr!! sorry i couldn’t help that, do you know how long i wanted to make that joke? but seriously, oli, you and your unbridled chaos and energy never fails to make my dash and quite literally everyone else who follows you like a rom-com movie or something; i’m so glad that i can call you a moot and one that i cherish so, so much.

@papiliotao : rei, you made my day whenever you drop in one of your small blurbs into my inbox and i get the space to just write whatever comes to mind; it was a little thing we had and, i don’t know, i loved it. i love it still a lot. it was like a duo we had and always made me smile with whatever we talked about, maybe just about writing in general or the cats that you always see. i’m just sorry that we won’t be able to have our wedding soon. really.

@supernova25 : bestie, i still remember those times about the ai bots!! i still think about them a lot!! it was fun!! in general, you’re always a lot of fun to talk to, and it could be about anything and it’d fly off the roof. also your asks about the most random of things has definitely made me feel better on my worst of days just to put that out there.

@soleillunne : i’d make a joke about you running up for the title of creator of angst and all that but you’ve always been so sweet so let me just push that aside, considerate as well; don’t think i didn’t see you send me links of anything scaramouche related because i do and i appreciate that so much

@hollythius-rising : YOU AND YOUR THEME CHANGES DON’T THINK I DON’T NOTICE THEM you’re also very very sweet and chaotic when it comes to your taste in tall purple men in lab coats but we don’t talk about that aosjksjs just that it’s always been a pleasure to talk to you whenever we have the chance to

@mondaymelon : YOU. we vibe with each other a lot like radio waves and it got me all giddy, and i’d just drop a lot of memes into your inbox just so i could see how you’d react only for you to give me a taste of my own medicine when you do the same thing 100 times more effectiveaisjsjs

@venusflwers : those late nights of playing roblox with you makes me feel so, so happy, you have no idea. it’s filled with crack with whatever you say and you somehow make a horror game feel like some comedy instead i swear; you’re literally the most unhinged and funniest person i met and i love that about you so much

@kazumist : it’s like a parent watching their kid grow up and then completely surpass them in terms of height. yeah, that’s you akiaki!! always frothing over your writing, your drabbles, because it had that soft and domestic feeling to them that i absolutely love to the moon and back

@m1shapanda, @snobwaffles, @vennnnn-diagram : you three are, excuse me for my language, so fucking amazing. i always wanted to talk to you so many times and even when i did, always hoped that we could’ve talked a bit more. misha, you’re so cool and i always wanted to just ramble with you; that and your art is so pretty and soft and just so DAMN COOL did i mention that? snob, you detective, you and your curse arts that make me laugh as much as pour bleach on my eyes (/j), you’re just so supportive and i really like that about you. ven, i wished we could’ve talked a lot more too with how just vibe with everyone so quickly and easily - you’re just as amazing, really.

and to all of my other moots, the same goes to you, even with the ones i didn’t talk to as much - just being moots with you, knowing that someone liked me like i liked them made me feel more belong on here and more a part of something. i’ve never been a part of something like this, and know so many people and to know that i mean something to them? yeah, that really, really means a lot to me.

i’d probably just be a lurker on here than anything… haven’t really thought that far, only that i know that i can’t stay on here any longer without feeling guilty, burdened, stressed, or all of the above. or maybe just start off as a smaller blog again without any sense of obligation because ever since i’ve hit 500, which was a while ago, that’s what this blog started to feel like with each bit of time that passed.

i’ve enjoyed it, of course i did, don’t get me wrong! i’ve just been enjoying it less than i did when i started off, that feeling of accomplishment and joy and pride at myself numbing a bit more with each milestone i passed. that’s just all me though, i’m sure.

anyways, not right now though, maybe just around the weekends when i actually have time to spare. so, until then, i’ll stick around here as much as i can. other than that, i don’t have much else to say other than thank you.

that i hope that you’ll keep doing what you love, whatever that is, despite the highs and lows. just know that the community you’re in is filled with people who love you through and through and that i do too - that you’ll do what you love because you want to, not because you should.

#!!!

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chaithetics · 1 year

Text

The Millers Buttercup Chapter 2

Pairing: outbreak/commune! Tommy Miller x F reader (vaguely mentioned past Joel Miller x F reader- more of that in future chapters)

Word count: 5.9K

Chapter/content warning: 18+ MINORS DNI, fluff, mild angst, smut (P in V intercourse), pregnancy, mentions of injuries (nothing major). Also unedited because I refuse to proofread.

Note: I'm not too sure where this going but I think it's like a mini-series of maybe 5-7 chapters-ish? I also have some series ideas for Marcus Pike and Javier Peña. So lmk what you think/if you have any suggestions! Also thank you for all the kind words for chapter one, you're all too sweet! I hope you enjoy!!!

*********

You felt sick in your stomach when you saw Joe, you saw his eyes quickly widen and that he was struggling to compose himself. Joel’s shock was visible to everyone and altered the mood in the room. You looked over at Tommy who was watching the scene quietly, something that was rare for his usual chatty self.

Are you okay? He was asking with his big brown eyes and you nodded, giving him a quick tight-lipped smile as you nodded your head. Moments like this made you grateful for the silent communication you and Tommy had.

“This is Ellie,” Tommy said deciding to try cutting the tension, he gestured over to the young girl standing not far behind Joel.

“Hey,” Ellie looked over at you, you’d piqued her interest based on the tension and the brief conversation which was mostly unspoken between the brothers. Ellie felt more comfortable, your heavily pregnant state made you significantly less intimidating to her. While there was still an awkward air to you over the situation, Ellie could tell the smile you directed at her was genuine. Something she’d rarely come across.

“Hey Ellie,” you said softly, “it’s nice to meet you.” You smiled warmly at her, you glanced over to Joel as you were curious about who she was and why Joel had a teenager with him. You knew that now was not the time for questions though.

“Sorry, just a moment.” You said it was directed to almost everyone in the room.

You adjusted the crutches for Zoe and apologised for the interruption, she just smiled it off. You gave her brother Oli some pain medication to take home for Zoe with instructions and said that you’d see them in the morning.

You didn’t like the idea of Oli taking his limping, crutches-using sister back home in the snow on their own. Tommy seemed to pick up on this before you could even verbalise it. He looked at you again to confirm that you’d be okay here without him in his brother’s company, you smiled again to communicate that you’d manage.

“How about I help you two get home, then I’ll grab some hot food for you, Ellie and Joel? Our incredible doc can take a look at anything while I do that.” Tommy offered. Zoe and Oli were more than happy by this, Joel muttered his thanks at the suggestion and nodded.

Tommy quickly went off with the two children, leaving you with Joel and Ellie. You washed your hands, once they were dried you put out a hand to shake Ellie’s which she tentatively did.

“Tommy said you have snacks?” Ellie quickly said as soon as your handshake was over.

You smiled at her, it was the biggest smile she’d seen on your face yet, you ended up chuckling at her question and nodding. Joel sighed and shook his head slightly at Ellie’s bluntness but you all understood it.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do, there’s a little kitchenette down the hall. Help yourself, maybe grab something for the old man?” You responded, she laughed lightly at you calling Joel an old man and nodded heading off.

Joel watched you as Ellie went off. He’d immediately noticed how little Tommy had aged and found that it seemed to be a similar case for you. He only noticed a couple of grey strands in your hair by your temple, you were younger than both the Miller men but there were barely any visible lines on your face. He noticed that your jaw seemed to be softer, there was a scar on your nose, and your hair was shorter than it used to be. You did have a glow about you, a radiance in your complexion and while he still felt in shock to see you pregnant he had to admit to himself that it suited you.

“So you’re pregnant,” Joel said, you found his tone hard to read, you weren’t sure if it was more of a question or a statement so you just nodded as an answer.

“And it’s…”

“Of course, it’s Tommy’s-” You said matter-of-factly, you didn’t mean for it to come out so bluntly but nobody had ever questioned it and it seemed like the most ridiculous question to your brain as soon as he nervously started to ask. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that-”

“How far along are you?” Joel asked.

He knew it was a ridiculous thing to say to you, he knew it was Tommy’s but part of him hoped for a moment it wasn’t. He didn’t know if that would make it better or worse though, so he needed to change the subject. Of course, you were pregnant with Tommy’s child, you and Tommy had left years ago. It was a natural thing to happen. It was to be expected.

“About 34 weeks,” you answered, you looked at him. You could tell that this news was upsetting to him but you didn’t know how to feel around him. “Why don’t you take a seat?” You asked and gestured towards where Zoe had been moments ago.

Joel nodded and complied. You’d always been a warm person, it was a big part of your natural charm. Ever since the Miller brothers had known you, they’d both been drawn to your warmth but over time during your ‘relationship’ with Joel you slowly became more reserved. Towards the end, he only ever really heard a laugh if Tommy caused it. He saw glimpses of that warmth with Ellie, and he saw it between you and the young girl you’d been treating before he came by. But he noticed how reserved you were with him.

“Anywhere, in particular, you need to be checked?” You asked softly.

“Uh, wrist and I think, there are some gashes on my back,” Joel responded with, you nodded softly and asked which wrist, he held his hand out as a response, “Can I?” you asked quietly, he nodded and you held his large hand in your smaller one while the fingers in your other hand ran along his knuckles and gently over his wrist.

Joel felt himself melt slightly by your touch, he was living in an apocalypse, and of course, he was touch-starved. He knew that your touch was strictly medical but it still felt warm and sent goosebumps along his skin.

As you inspected his wrist he winced slightly, you quickly, genuinely apologised to him “it’s alright-” he said before you cut him off “what happened exactly?”

“I think I broke it a few months ago, I guess it didn’t heal properly or I just made it worse, I think it’s taken a few hits. It gets bad, often. Worse in the cold” He said looking at you, you nodded sympathetically as he spoke. You asked him to move it a couple of different ways and it all confirmed what you knew.

“You know, you’ve barely aged,” Joel spoke, he was looking into your eyes as he said it but you felt like he was saying it more to himself than you. You looked at him curiously, you immediately noticed that while he still looked the same he had aged significantly, especially in comparison to you and Tommy despite his years ahead of you both. His hair was completely salt and pepper now, there were hard lines throughout his face. You and Tommy had been lucky with the Jackson commune, you couldn’t imagine going back to an environment like the QZs or fireflies or ever trying a raider lifestyle. It saddened you to know that Joel’s life hadn’t been as safe as yours, the environment and stress had taken an obvious toll.

You looked down at Joel and nodded you moved the hand that had been inspecting his wrist to his face to inspect it for a brief second, “yeah, and you did.” Was all that you could say softly to him, he nodded and saw a brief flick of sadness in your eyes. You quickly turned around to a cupboard, “I’m going to strap it, you’ve definitely broken it a few times. I’d suggest rest, we can go over a few exercises to maybe help with strength and relief. I’ll give you some anti-inflammatories as well, it’s swollen. I’d say you have osteoarthritis, definitely post-traumatic arthritis in the wrist.” You spoke as you grabbed the anti-inflammatory medications and the tape for strapping. He nodded then said, “I guess I am an old fuck now.”

“A brace would help too, we have some in storage. I’ll get one for you in a moment.” He nodded and whispered his thanks. He watched as you gently strapped his wrist, as you finished up, he gently grabbed your hand. It wasn’t a touch you were familiar with from Joel, it was too gentle, which was not in his nature. It startled you slightly and you felt nervous, he squeezed your hand softly, “thank you, I mean that sweetheart, thank you, for-for just everything.” There was something in his eyes that you didn’t recognise, you eased your hand out of grasp and just nodded. You didn’t know how to respond and you wanted Tommy back, you almost felt like a child craving their security blanket.

“Here old man,” Ellie said as she walked into the room, she gave a glass of water to Joel with a sandwich and some crackers she’d found in the kitchenette.

“Did you get something for yourself?” You gently asked Ellie, feeling grateful for her entry. Ellie nodded.

“Yeah, I ate in there. What is Tommy getting?” She asked looking at Joel, she could sense the air was a bit awkward between you and Joel and was curious.

“I’m not sure, what the kitchen was cooking today sorry.” You said as you shrugged. Ellie just nodded and sat down on one of the chairs in the examination room. You didn’t press for an examination of Joel’s mentioned ‘gashes’ while he ate and drank. You excused yourself to go to the toilet.

You were thankful for your inconvenient pregnancy bladder finally giving you a believable excuse. It was a great excuse and felt even more convenient as you didn’t actually feel like your bladder was going to explode. It was the perfect opportunity for a small break in Joel’s company and to kill time while waiting for Tommy to come back.

It was a weird situation to be in and you sighed over it as you rubbed your temple. Joel had broken your heart years ago, he’d been cold and cruel and in each moment spent with him or without him, you felt like you were losing hope and yourself. Tommy had been kind, which was rare in this cruel world. You knew that if some people were aware of all the history they may have assumed you were ‘settling’ for the younger Miller brother but you weren’t. It wasn’t like that with Tommy, he was the love of your life and was the destination, not a detour or stop along the way. It was completely different with him than anyone else and you both knew that.

You bit your lip a bit and gently caressed your stomach, it felt grounding to you and your heart was filled with so much love for the fetus inside of you and your beautiful family of Tommy and Isabel. You splashed some water on your face and then went back out.

Ellie wasn’t in the room and Joel had finished eating his sandwich. He looked up at you when he heard you coming back in, he noticed a bit of dampness on your face and how your hand was on your bump. He wasn’t sure if it was that the baby was moving, it hurt or it was self-soothing.

“Are you alright?” He asked, his eyes seeming concerned. You just nodded, “yeah, I’m fine. Should I look at the gashes now?” Joel just nodded, he took his jacket off and lifted his shirt up for you. You saw that there were a few cuts, so you quickly went to clean them, putting antiseptic on and bandaging them up. You worked in silence as you treated the wounds on his taut, golden skin.

“What happened to your nose?” Joel asked breaking the silence, you paused for a moment surprised at the question, you raised your eyebrows and responded with “hmm?” Joel looked at you making eye contact, he gently rubs his thumb over the scar on your nose. His gentle touch startles you, you step back and smile at the memory behind the scar, letting out a little laugh. You’re also surprised that he noticed, it’s not massive and it could almost just pass as a small blemish or discolouration with a quick glance. Joel doesn’t know how a story behind an injury like that could be humourous but he delights in the sound of your melodious laughter anyway.

“It was broken during a patrol, Tommy was with me. He was so concerned, I tried to get him to-” You looked up as you heard the sound of Tommy’s boots. He leaned against the doorway, raising an eyebrow at you flashing his charming, goofy grin at you as he heard the story you were telling. You looked at Tommy as you continued with the story “and I tried to tell you how to set it, quick and easy and you wouldn’t-”

“Because I didn’t want to hurt you! I know you were in pain but it was awful and freaky!” Tommy playfully exclaims and laughs. He’d been terrified at that moment, he felt sick in his stomach, you knew it was broken and tried to talk him through it, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Mmmhmmm,” was what you said playfully rolling your eyes. “I ended up setting it myself and that scars just from the fracture and the skin breaking I guess.” You said it so casually.

“Well, food is here, Ellie’s already scoffing it down in the kitchenette,” Tommy said. You finished up with the last of Joel’s wounds, he got up and nodded at you, his eyes stayed a moment longer on your nose than they should’ve. You washed up your hands and Tommy waited for you. He pecked your forehead softly and you smiled at him letting out a small giggle as his mustache brushed against his moustache, making your way to the kitchen with his hand on the small of your back.

Joel sat down at the small table in the kitchenette with Ellie who was already hungrily wolfing down the food, you smiled at her imagining she hadn’t had a proper hot meal in forever if ever. Joel seemed horrified at her and told her to slow down, she just glared at him and returned to her food, which made you desperately try to stifle a small laugh.

“We have a couple of rooms, you’re welcome to stay and there’s hot water so you can properly wash up,” Tommy said, which you nodded at. Tommy got up to turn the kettle on, “Coffee, Joel?” Joel nodded and Ellie scrunched her face up at that. Tommy looked over at you to see if you were wanting a cup of tea, and you signed yes with your preference.

“Huh, so that’s how you know, Joel?” Ellie exclaimed taking a break from her meal and looking at Joel in wonder. Joel quirked an eyebrow at her.

“How he knows what?” You asked curiously.

“We-we-we met a boy, Joel knew some sign language,” Ellie said she was visibly upset when mentioning the boy but her face still had wonder in it.

“Yeah, Tommy and I learnt a bit of sign from the doc,” Joel said not meeting your eyes, he fixated on his food as he spoke. Ellie looked at you questioningly.

“How do you know it?” She asked.

“I’m a CODA,” you said softly smiling at her.

“CODA?” She asked curiously.

“Child of a deaf adult,” Joel said quietly. Ellie looked at you again, you became more and more interesting to her and she wanted to press more about the relationship between the three adults in the room with her. You nodded at what Joel said.

“Yeah, my dad was deaf.” After a pause you said, “he died early on in the outbreak. I grew up learning bilingual, I learnt Sign as I learnt English.”

“What about your mum?” Ellie asked. “She died when I was very young, I don’t remember her.” You said and offered her a small smile, Ellie had a similar situation with her mother and it felt a bit comforting to have your openness and that connection. She just nodded and went back to her food.

Soon Tommy brought tea to you and he and Joel drank coffee. Tommy had an arm over your shoulders, and you watched him. He was surprisingly more calm than what you’d have imagined in this situation. Tommy and Joel’s last in-person contact wasn’t pleasant and the communication via radio had been sporadic and there hadn’t been any in months, close to a year you thought. Tommy did seem slightly edge, and you noticed how he kept looking over to you and whenever you made eye contact he was checking in on you.

“Ellie, do you need a check up? I’m happy to do one and then we can go to the house.” You asked.

“No, I’m-I’m fine.” She quickly said too quickly for your liking, she was almost shouting it out. You knew something was up but didn’t say anything, you just looked over to Tommy to see if he noticed, which he had, his brow furrowed for a brief second. You noticed Ellie and Joel exchange a quick look.

“Okay, if anything comes up or if you change your mind just let me know.” You said, she nodded and Tommy started to get up, “how about we head over now?” The others nodded and followed. The others waited on the small patio at the front door of the clinic while Tommy helped you into your jacket. You held his hand and had your other hand holding onto the bicep of the same arm you were holding hands with. He walked slowly, he always did when he was with you like this, worried about your state.

You quickly got to your home, Tommy and Ellie made their way inside. Ellie found it so bizarre, seeing a house, a house from before, Joel found it equally bizarre but in a different way. It was hauntingly surreal, a reminder of the past. Tommy squeezed your arm softly then went to show them where the bathroom was with the towels and giving them toiletries. You heard conversation, you couldn’t quite make it out though but you heard Tommy say something and then his golden laugh, it sounded like it elicited a laugh from the young girl as well.

Tommy came out and stood beside you in the kitchen, he brushed his hand over your hair and pushed a strand behind your ear, you closed your eyes and sighed out softly against his touch.

“Ellie’s in the spare room, Joel is showering. We should get Isabel.” You looked at him and nodded.

“Does he know?”

“No.”

You nodded your head and bit your lip. He’d been visibly upset over your pregnant stage, you didn’t know how he’d react to seeing that you and Tommy had a child already. You knew he’d be able to tell soon by the house but you didn’t want to deal with the stress of this situation or to put Isabel through this, especially in her own home.

You made eye contact with Tommy, tilting your head, whispering “and why the fuck does he have a teenager?” Tommy chuckled and shrugged, he just shook his head and offered you a small smile “I have no fucking idea buttercup.”

*********

You were walking back to the house with Isabel, and Tommy. You’d gotten some clothes for Ellie and Tommy had given Joel some of his to have. You listened as Tommy tried to gently explain to Isabel why there would be new people in her home.

“Your uncle Joel is here, visiting.” Tommy said, “your brother?” Isabel looked up at him and excitedly asked, Tommy, nodded. “Yeah, and he has Ellie with him, she’s staying with us as well.”

“Ellie?” She asked, and you nodded “she’s cool, you two might be able to be friends. She’s a bit older than you though.” is what you said and she looked up smiling. You were holding onto Tommy’s arm again and Isabel was holding his free hand occasionally trying to swing from it and Tommy would always indulge her. As you were getting to the steps of your home she asked if Ellie liked to draw and Tommy laughed, just saying he wasn’t sure.

Isabel stepped inside, immediately taking her shoes off and running in, excited to meet the new people. She had a mischievous joy much like her father. Tommy laughed watching her, and you went to put clothes for Ellie in the spare room, she was in the bathroom so you just knocked on the door and told her, she shouted out her thanks.

You made your way back to the living spaces of the house, Joel heard the commotion and stood up from the living room, walking closer to the sound. A blur of a child was running and she accidentally stumbled into him, which made him exhale but Joel put his hands out and leaned to catch her from falling over. He let his hands go and looked at her curiously, she looked up at him and giggled.

Joel raised an eyebrow as he looked at the young girl, it was instantly clear that she was Tommy’s daughter, her smile was the same large, lopsided grin, she had dark curly hair like Tommy’s but it was longer, the big, warm brown Miller eyes, and their tan skin. Joel noticed that she had your face shape though and your nose and that when she mirrored Joel’s confused face her expression was uniquely you.

“Uncle Joel?” She asked softly, Joel smiled at her, he felt a bit sad but he was taken aback at how she had a soft nature in her voice like you just not as quiet, she also seemed quite assertive for a young girl.

“Uncle Joel, this is your niece Isabel.” Tommy proudly said, he smiled as he watched Isabel. She looked more like Tommy than you but he loved to tell everyone that she had all the best parts of you.

You were standing in the doorway now, watching the scene. Joel’s head turned as he heard you, he quickly saw the anxious look on your face and how you were nervously chewing your bottom lip. He quickly put his attention back to the young girl in front of him who was smiling at him.

“Well, you’ve got a killer smile kid.” He said as he knelt down and was now at her level. She giggled and wrapped her arms around him in a hug, he was shocked but hugged her back. He’d hugged Tommy when seeing him but he hadn’t been hugged like this. He hadn’t received the kind, innocent, pure love and joy that children had in them since Sarah. It saddened him and she soon pulled him away to show him the drawings in her role, he quietly followed her.

You weren’t expecting that to have gone so well. Joel seemed repulsed at the concept of children years ago and he wasn’t as warm or sympathetic as Tommy but he wasn’t reserved with Isabel like he usually was with everyone else. You walked over to Tommy, feeling confused, exhausted and emotional.

“Did he say how long he’s staying here for?” You asked as you buried your head into the crook of Tommy’s neck. Tommy shook his head and whispered no as he wrapped his arms around you and caressed your hair, he kissed you softly on the top of your head. You were starting to feel extremely tired and you just wanted to bury yourself into Tommy’s warmth and melt under his touch. You tilted your head slightly, “I think I need a nap.” You mumbled against his neck, he smiled and pressed another kiss to the top of your head “c’mon buttercup, let’s get you in bed.”

********

Tommy walked in, quietly opening the door, he smiled at the sight of you in bed. You had a mountain of pillows around you and were sleeping on your side. He watched you for a moment and then came over to sit on the other side of the bed. His movements woke you up, you’d always been a light sleeper and it was amplified during pregnancy.

You looked up at him and smiled, you put your hand up to cup his cheek and he closed his eyes, you gently guided his face closer to yours after a moment and pressed a kiss to his lips. He softly nibbled at your bottom lip and you opened up your mouth to give him access, he slid his tongue in softly and you ran your hand through his hair and lightly tugged at the roots of some of his curls. You broke the kiss off for some air and he ran his thumb along the side of your face.

“What’s Isabel doing?” You asked softly.

“Her and Ellie really hit it off, I think she quite likes kids,” he said while continuing to trace patterns with his thumb on you. “They’ve been reading, Ellie has a book of puns, I don’t even think Isabel gets half of them but she’s laughing so goddamn much.” He said with a big smirk on his face and a soft chuckle. He then ran his thumb over your kiss-swollen lips and then down your neck. He paused for a moment “Joel’s with them, he’s occasionally laughin’ as well… I just wanted to check on the beautiful Mrs. and the other munchkin.” he said.

“Okay, so… why were you here in the room, that your amazing wife is sleeping in, and not spooning her?” You asked smugly and you see Tommy’s eyes twinkle.

“Because I was too busy watching her sleep.” He says with a little laugh as he pecks a kiss on your cheek. You laugh at what he says and feel your cheeks heat up over how ridiculous he is and how he brings you so much joy. Your laugh deepens as he presses some more kisses to you and his moustache tickles your skin. Tommy had always been clean-shaven pre-outbreak, he never admitted it but the main reason why he kept his groomed facial hair was that he quickly learnt how ticklish you were and he would take up every opportunity he could to make you laugh and smile. It was his favourite sound in the world.

“That’s so not creepy at all, Tommy Miller,” you said as you continued to laugh.

“That’s just part of my Southern charm buttercup,” he said with a smirk that made his whole face glow, he pressed another deeper kiss to your lips and you stroked his cheek as he did and wrapped your hand in his curls again. “And I don’t think I need to remind you, that you feel for that, hook, line and sinker.” He said with another little laugh as he broke the kiss.

You rolled your eyes at him but still laughed, it was genuinely admirable and attractive how cheesy he could be even with everything that had happened in the last 20 years. “Did these lines and habits work for you very well before?” You asked him playfully, “no, I just wanted to save the best ones and sleep-watching for marriage y’know? More romantic that way.” He said between more kisses, this time he was trailing them along your jaw and down to your neck as you giggled.

As he continued to kiss you, your hunger for him was growing, especially as he kissed that spot on your neck that he knew drove you nuts. He gave it a little lick and moved his mouth slightly, you let out a little melodic moan and you felt a pool of dampness forming between your thighs.

“Tommy-Tommy, I want you,” you murmured. He stopped his trail of kisses for a moment and looked at you, you could see that the hunger was in his warm brown eyes too. He pressed a passionate kiss to your lips and swirled his tongue around your mouth, you moaned out against him and he felt himself becoming even harder at your sounds.

“We’ll be quick and quiet, okay baby?” He asked, and you nodded. “Good girl,” he said as he kissed your forehead. He started to strip you and you let him, once you were stripped, you unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, sliding them down. You palmed him after doing so and then kissed him hungrily.

He helped position you back onto your side, and he asked if you were comfortable, you nodded yes. You felt him get into the spooning position, the back of your body was pressed against his chest and stomach. He moved his arm over and ran a finger through your folds, you moaned out softly.

He then ran it over your clitoris in a circle a few times, it was so sensitive, you closed your eyes and bit onto your lip trying not to moan as he then moved that finger and inserted it inside of you gently.

“Oh baby, you’re so wet already. Is that all for me?” He whispered into your ear. You nodded, then whispered, “yes, Tommy, it’s all for you.” He pressed a kiss against your hair, “I’m so lucky baby, you have no idea how lucky I am to have your wet pussy.” He continued to finger you softly, he then inserted another finger, and his thumb began to give attention to your clitoris. You gripped the sheets letting out small moans while biting your lip.

“You’re such a good girl, always so good and so wet for me buttercup,” Tommy said as he started to speed up his pace a little bit, you groaned out and you could feel his thick member pressing against you and you just wanted to be filled by him, desperately.

“Please, Tommy, please,” you stuttered out as he continued to gently but passionately unravel you, “please, what?” He asked teasingly, his thumb pressing a little bit more pressure on your bundle of nerves as he did. “Please, just fuck me, I need you now.” You quietly whined out. He kissed your neck, sucking lightly, “of course baby, you know I love hearing you but we need to be quiet remember.”

You nodded your head and gasped out as you felt him slowly enter you, the tip pressed against your opening as he entered inch by inch he’d wait a moment and give a couple of thrusts, allowing your body to adjust to him each time. Tommy was considerate and he was aware that pregnancy made you so much more sensitive. You gasped out each time you got more of him and bit your lip when you finally felt his full length.

His hand ran along your breast gently, as he thrust into you, he groaned softly into your ear and he felt you clench around him at that, it turned him on more and you thought his groans and moans were one of the most beautiful sounds in the world.

He was building a pattern based on what he knew you liked and being guided by what made you clench tightly around him or squeeze his hand tightly. He squeezed your breast more tightly and he could feel how wet you were, your juices were starting to flood out, “oh fuck baby, you feel, so, so good” he muttered into your ear. You nodded and squeezed his hand, you loved his praise and quietly moaned out “I lo-love how you feel inside of me Tommy.”

He sped up his rhythm and you bit your lip so hard to keep from screaming his name, you were sure you would draw blood at any moment. Tommy kissed the top of your head softly in between panting, the gentle nature of the kiss was a stark contrast to the rest of the scene. You whispered asking Tommy to go even faster and he chuckled, “you want me even faster baby?” He asked and you stuttered out a barely audible yes. Tommy smiled and he obliged, his moans were getting harder to suppress and you wish he didn’t have to. You just wanted to hear his moans and nothing else at this moment. He obliged and picked up the rhythm once again, you were starting to unravel even more, you could feel yourself starting to get close to your climax.

“I’m getting close,” you whispered out to him, he nodded and kissed your head once again. He kept the same pace and whispered “good girl, I can’t wait to feel you finish all over my cock while it’s still pumping into you, baby. Are you going to come for me?” He asked and you nodded, quietly moaning out a yes. “Such a good girl, I want you to come, I want to feel it.” He said, his words, edging you along closer to that destination. He ran his thumb over your nipples which made your breath hitch, then his other hand went to working on your bundle of nerves as he kept up with that pace that was making you unravel.

You closed your eyes, balling the sheet into your hand, biting your lip hard to stifle your moan, you were finishing, while he was still inside of you, and it was a glorious high. Tommy could feel it and he loved the feeling of it, the way you clenched around him and the flooding warmth of your orgasm. “Oh, you’re such a good girl,” He huffed out, his grip on you a bit tighter, “I’m nearly there baby…” He said in between thrusts and squeezed your breast. You nodded and whispered “I want you to finish inside of me Tommy, please? I want you to fill me up with all of you.” “Fuck baby, I-I-I will…” He said, holding onto you as he finished inside of you after a few more pumps. You moaned out and felt him press numerous kisses against your head.

“How are you feeling? You’re okay?” He tentatively asked, brushing his fingers across your hair. “Yeah, I’m fine sweetie, that was amazing.” You said as you started to run your fingers over his hand by you.

He nodded, “Yeah it was, like I said, I’m pretty lucky.”

You huffed softly at that and enjoyed the feeling of him against you and inside of you. He had finished but he hadn’t pulled out yet. You wished that he never would need to but that wasn’t the case, not even in this more idealistic reality.

“I love you,” you said softly, “and I love you more,” Tommy said as he pressed a kiss to your shoulder. You knew that he would have to get up soon, you’d both have to get dressed and go back to awkward interactions, it didn’t make moments in Tommy’s arms any less precious though.

Tags: @read4funz

#tommy miller x you #tommy miller fluff #tommy miller #tommy miller fanfiction #tommy miller x reader #gabriel luna #the last of us #the last of us hbo #tlou fanfiction #tlou tommy #tommy miller fic #tommy miller x female reader #joel miller #joel miller x female reader

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solangewrite · 2 years

Note

What more ifs would u like to see more of

So this is a list of what I would like to see more and that I like!!

I'm so sorry for the tag! If you want me to remove your blog please tell me!

PS. This is my opinions!

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@fromtheashesweriseif , where the ROs are the same as MC or NB, and the parents who are all transgender. It really makes you discover something new and experience!

@ingenio-academy-if who MC gender is set as agender, love love the concept!

@jaunefleurwrites , ‘A world without you’. It really brings out the emotions, and I really loved that we played as a 'sick' MC, it made me view someone else's perspective, which helped me a lot to understand someone.

@scabiosa-if Monsters. Yeah. But for me it means to not “judge a book by its cover”, the appearance won't show how the character will act with you. It's like a box. You need to open it to see what truly is inside. Also @fell-star-if !!

@obesericewrites angst. One of the RO has a child. I loved this, just.. I love it. This IF is emotional, yet at the same time it reminds me of a family? ...It's going to hurt. have mercy

@defiledheartsblog This is everything. Loved loved and loved this!! MC comes to revenge and oops! finally looks like MC is not able to.. (or is!!)

@sinners-if Also is to ‘not judge a book by it's cover’. Yeah, Grey may be 'cold' at first, but that's totally normal in my opinion. You both are strangers, maybe more as time will pass, you'll get to know Grey and Grey will be able to know you. Everyone has a soft spot for somebody, but you need to earn that place, it isn't for granted, and can be easily lost. Unless you want Grey to go to prison LOL revenge!

@lilac-den where MC isn't good with people (kinda?). MC doesn't have many friends, and will have to learn to interact more with people. As an antisocial, I got easily obsessed reading this IF! Oli though is a good friend! Gives MC some advice to get lai-

@kalorphic I love action. So spies??? Sign me up! This is going to be a rollercoaster of emotions I have a feeling. I really love the concept!

And well this is going to be long so under the cut lol! <3 Get ready for a lot and a lot more IF blogs.. haha! ❤️❤️❤️

@night-market-if loved that MC didn't remember where they came from, stuck in somewhere where they have no single clues!!

@nacregames “Morning Star” how do I say this??? Angels? Devils? Anyone? I'm here till the end!!

@zorlok-if <- This. Right here. *chief kiss* Get to be a demon losing their memories... And the demo is just super funny! I won't forget that Tommy erased our memory. N.e.v.e.r TOMMY WHY

@sinnersandsaints-linwrites angst, again. But I really loved the demo, it gave me a range of emotions that I couldn't describe. There's a range of supernatural that I haven't seen in IFs -> (Khari)

@corpsereviver-if Angels??? I don't know but I am looking at this from afar! I'm not stalking your blog I swear I- I can explain! MC has one wing!! And- I don't know what to say, argh!! Love the concept!

@doriana-gray-games YES YES YES. We like Sherlock!!!! Mystery!!! Love everything from this!!

@twyam-if We aren't the 'hero' of the story!!! It's actually MC friends?! This is going to be so interesting!!

@mondaysandwich Hello??? Work in a bar with demons??? Please sign me up!! I love the characters and everything!! And I always wanted to be a barista so it's a big plus for me!

@villains-promise what to say to this? It's right in my alley! Angst is coming- I'm bringing it a lot. Brings a lot of emotions!

@barbwritesstuff Loved the concept, really well written and was totally shocked as I didn't expect some part, you can even become an alpha!!! so... wolf on the moon when?

@lifesupreme-if WOAH. No words. It's like in the future, and I don't know how to express it lol!

@magiciansvoyage love love this!! Everything! I really enjoyed reading this!!

@allieebobo Tennis!! I love sports! So this was also in my alley!

@evertidings Bounty hunter!!! And it was just recently updated also! Loved loved this!!

@veirsewrites Old vampire! Gah! I love this so much!!! Also the one who inspired me to do IFs in the first place!! <3

@milaswriting What's your secret??? Why am I already obsessed with reading this??? Have you put a spell on me??! It's just so good!!!

@goldrush-if No words. Only affection. I am speechless, have you also put a spell on me???

@zico-if Hi??? Is that angst I see???? I love this already!

@the-keeper-of-midnight Gah! If only I could express just how good this is!!!

@acourtofserpents Erhm??? The demo?? Lord I got sent in another universe just how good it was!!

@chaosbringerx THIS. I am waiting for this patiently!!!!

@hauntthebodies Love love this! It's so difficult to express it but I love it!!! also transgender MC??? hi??

@legend-of-a-savior-if THE WRITING IS SO GOOD. the angst- my affection toward them is full of admiration. You really get immersed in the story!!!

@thrill-seeker-if Do i need to say it-??? Hello??? I- I don't think I'm able to say just how much I LOVE this!!

@whatlovelybones-if uhm hi?? Killer vibes??? This is totally in my alley- argh the angst coming straight for us!!! AND THEIR WRITING??? speechless.slams money on the table

@adoriels-tears-if Love that MC is a half-elf!!! And that it is 'illegal'??? That MC father 'left'??? angst right there, love it.

@todays-lessons-if Get to be a teacher!!! Ahhhh I'm waiting for this!

@lost-kiwi-dev Love this so much!!! ahhhh!!! the characters everything- I'm in love

@lostlambs-ifgame you get to be an assassin!!! And their writing is just *chief kiss*

@esper-game I'm in love with this game!!! Gah!!

@unwilling-souls-if No words for this. Just my affection for everything!

@nyehilismwriting This was so fun to read!! I loved this!

@beetlebethwrites I got the chance to learn new animals!!

@leoneliterary Jeez! I'm in love with your characters!!! Your writing is just *chief kiss*!

@llamagirl28 The two IFs!! I got so damn obsessed!!!

@lucid-fate-if Hi??? It's so good??? Love this!!

@leftski-if I have no words, it's just so good!!

@northern-passage No words could say just how much I love this. I loved to replay it each time!!! Will never get bored of it!

@attollogame I am. Obsessed. I would sell my soul to just read it all day!

@rotten-games

There's a lot and a lot more.. But I will have to stop here sadly!! ❤️❤️❤️ Please go send these authors some love and support! A small message would definitely make their day better :)

Here is the suite! Here!

Suite 2 : Here!

#imma pin this #will add more when I find :3 #my answers were pretty short at the end haha #my hands started to hurt #sorry! ❤️#you can message me/send an ask if you want to remove your blog from the list!!!#Just in the asks you need to remove anon #As I want to know if it's really the author.#if recs #you should definetly send some love to all of these authors 💛#they definitely need it #just send some sweet words to them with anon on or off 💛#interactive fiction #interactive fiction recommendations #if rec #interactive game #recs #recommendations

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cydanite · 1 year

Text

The Scientific Method

Ao3 link:

Pix's fellow emperors weren't sure what to make of their friend flinging himself back into his work after the tea party. They were happy, of course, that the consequences of his strange death hadn't deterred him from his work. Pix loved what he did, it was clear to see. Uncovering mysteries big and small, learning of what had once been lost. None of the standard doom and gloom associated with ghosts had accompanied Pix's change. He was still the same old archaeologist, joyously engrossing himself in his empire's ruins.

But, that was strange too, right? Most people, upon dying and coming back a specter, would not immediately be so content. They would need time to process what had happened, to grieve what they have lost, to right themselves and prepare for the future. And Pix should be no different. He never struck them as a particularly resilient man. He was wise, certainly. But not so emotionally hardened as to let undeath roll right off his back. Right?

Yet as Oli flew over the capital's tallest hill, Pix was hard at work below him, taking careful measurements of stone foundations. He banked to land, circling in tight motions to slow his descent.

"My boy! My sweet history boy!"

Pix looked up, a smile breaking through the confusion on his face, and chuckled.

"Oli! Ahoy there!" he waved as Oli landed, skidded a few meters, kicking up dirt before coming to a complete halt. Safely grounded, he turned back to Pix with a grin. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Oh Pix, always a charmer." Oli waved him off in mock embarrassment. "Can't a guy check in on his buddy? His cool history friend? We're pals, we hang out! Y'know." He bounced with each sentence, shuffling his feet and waving his arms. "Not to distract you from your work, of course. Just for company!"

"Well," Pix turned back to the expanse of stone laid out before him. The groundwork for the castle he was carefully reconstructing. "I'm taking some measurements to confirm what I have here is accurate. I wouldn't want to start building only to realize I'd mistaken where a wall should be. You're welcome to keep me company if that isn't too dull."

"No, no, I love history! Big history guy!" Oli peered over Pix's work area. A journal was open next to him, flipped open to a top-down sketch of the castle grounds. Every coordinate, horizontal measure, and corner angle was annotated. The lines were thin and precise, tiny penmanship making the most of the space and crowding the paper in a sea of numbers. Over them, though, a scattered few corrections stood out like a sore thumb. Large, messy scrawl with uneven pressure and several blotches where the pen had slipped from his hands. The pen sat disregarded, half-submerged in the inkwell.

Oli shuffled on his feet. "Do you need any help, king? I could take notes for you if you'd like?"

Pix followed his gaze and smiled. "Not a king anymore but- thanks, Oli. That would make my work a lot easier. I, uh, still haven't got the fine motor skills figured out." He flexed a transparent hand before him, wiggling his digits. Oli picked the pen out of the inkwell and wiped the excess ink off of its stem, before sitting on the ground and placing the journal on his lap. Pix turned back around and resumed his measurements.

"You can flip to a new page and just write the measurements in a list. I'll transfer them to the plans later."

"Can do." The bard watched intently as the archaeologist fell back into his work, taking careful measurements of the lines of stone on the ground. The conversation lulled into the occasional back and forth of information.

“West gate western wall. Four meters.”

Oli turned away from softly tuning his lute and scribbled the numbers down. “Gotcha… hey, Pix?”

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say: You’ve been pretty gung-ho with your work recently! Really got that ‘go get-em’ attitude, despite-uh, the… complications?”

Pix is too far away for Oli to make out his expression, but there’s a few seconds pause before he responds.

“There’s been some growing pains, sure. But I enjoy what I do.” He peers over his tape again. “West gate western wall inset. Eighty-seven point five centimeters.”

“Eighty-seven… point five. Okay.” He holds the page up to the breeze to dry the ink. “...About those growing pains, I’m just curious-”

“Oli, you can just say you’re concerned about me, you know.”

“I’m trying to be tactful, Pixlriffs! You know I don’t have tact! All I have are my looks and the speech pattern of a poor Victorian orphan boy!” He stopped flailing the journal in his hands and set it down beside him for the sake of not flinging it down the hill. “You crumbled into dust! Dust, Pix! And now we can see through you, for Christ’s sake!”

“No need to remind me.” He gets up from his kneeled position on the ground, wiping the dirt from his hands and turning to face his friend. “I appreciate your concern, I really do. You’re a good friend. But I’m handling the situation.”

Oli crossed his arms. “Not by throwing yourself into your work, no?”

“No-” The usual warmth in his voice is gone for just a second. Pix pauses before steadying his voice again. “I’m not avoiding the problem, or coping poorly elsewise. I’m just… treating it as I would any other mystery I come across.”

“How so?”

Pix fiddles with the measuring tape in his hand, winding the cord around his fingers like a snake. “Well… first I set a question. What is the use of this artifact I found? How old are these carvings? What does it mean now that I’m a ghost?”

Pix wakes up in his bed back home, gasping for a breath he couldn’t take until now, adrenaline still welling inside of him. Once he realizes where he is and what just happened he doesn’t hesitate to throw on a spare elytra and zip through his nether portal. Though his hands fumble with his rockets, the flight back to Glimmer Grove gives him a few moments to calm down and think about what just happened. Had he just been caught? Was it a hidden assassin’s attempt to claim his crown? Maybe Glimmer Grove’s curse had suddenly exhibited a new and deadly effect?

And then he arrives, cautiously rounding the corner to speak with his fellow emperors, all huddled in a group on the stairs he’d just succumbed under. And when their eyes finally settle upon him, the horror they’re filled with makes his blood run cold.

Oli listens intently. “Alright, then what?”

“Then I hypothesize. Think about what direction I should take my research in.”

The tea party is decidedly over after this. Pix drifts away from the dispersing crowd, unease filling the empty space. It’s… he’s not gonna lie, it’s a lot. Sighing, he presses his palms to his temples, rubbing them. Something sharp makes him pull his hand away. Curiously, he feels around on his head and runs his hand over a few sharp points, and connecting those points is something shriveled and ashy. He traces the vines around his head, culminating at the sunflower he had placed in his hair. A petal falls into his hand, gray and withered. He goes back to the vines, feeling how they circle his scalp. The occasional larger thorn pointing upwards like a shark’s lower jaw. It’s almost as if… like it’s blocking him from… it would be impossible to wear the Crown like this, right?

The grave look he saw in Scott’s eyes replays in his mind.

Pix continues. “Next is research. Consulting my studies, my books.”

His floor is carpeted in scattered paper. Historical texts, maps, theses, investigative reports, legends, folktales. Anything that might mention the Crown in any capacity. A web of signs on the wall spout disjointed theories and leads. Several are dyed an approving green. Even more are dyed a discrediting red. He’s fairly certain that the Crown had killed him, though through what means he doesn’t know. An enchantment, perhaps? Or maybe a curse? Whatever it was, it did not want him putting it back on.

He hangs a sign on the wall. “Crown only allows those it deems worthy to wear it.” He steps back, thinks for a bit, and dyes the sign a cautious yellow.

Assuming the Crown had this effect before it was last sealed away in the Capital’s catacombs, what makes him different then its previous owners? After all, none of them wore it and withered away, as far as he knew. It would probably have to be something objective. Enchanting a crown meant to be transferred between owners with a subjective kill switch trigger would be incredibly dangerous. And if that was the intent, he’s surprised there isn’t any record of this curse in his books.

In that case, it would probably have to be that he isn’t royalty. He may be an emperor, i.e. the land he lives on gave him its blessing. And have the abilities that come with that, i.e. access to the magic of inventory, respawn, crafting. But being an emperor does not royalty make. He’s simply the caretaker of the Ancient Capital, one with no subjects to his name. Much like how Shelby acts as warden to The Evermoor, home to just her and a healthy population of frogs.

He places another sign on the wall. “Crown only allows royalty to wear it.” This one feels more solid. The crown was only meant to be worn by royalty, so a curse preventing non-royalty from wearing it doesn’t dissuade its purpose. It was extreme, yes, but so was the history of the Crown. A legacy of assassinations and betrayal. A well of dark emotions that stray magic could easily leech onto and, over a long enough period of time, solidify into a dangerous curse! It fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. The Crown is cursed to kill non-royalty. This curse wasn’t enchanted by a person, but by a pattern of events, so it isn’t deliberate or necessarily useful. Pix dyed the sign green.

Then a wire crosses in Pix’s brain. The curse isn’t deliberate. It’s crude, simple. If A, then B. If not royalty, then execute. Pix is both non-royalty and an emperor. He has access to the magic of an emperor. He can respawn.

The deathrattle curse of the Crown. An unstoppable force. The undying blessing of an emperor. An immovable object.

Both dead and alive. His breath hitches in his chest like a brick.

And so the logical conclusion.

Should he ever lose the Ancient Capital’s approval…

Oli sits back down, pulling his lute back into his arms and fiddling with the strings.

“Alright, I see where this is going. I’ve taken a science class before. Next is testing, right?”

Pix looked past him, staring down at something intangible behind Oli. He then turned back to his foundations, unspooling his measuring tape again.

“I’m in the middle of that now. West gate pillar footprint. One point two five meters squared.”

#fic about my headcanon for why the crown ghosted pix!#couldn't focus on much else until i wrote it down lmao #also i know i got the scientific method order wrong. it's 3am here im not rewriting anything #empires smp #esmp #empires smp spoilers #esmp spoilers #empires pix #empires pixl #empires pixlriffs #pixlriffs #empires oli #oli theorionsound #theorionsound #mcyt #mcytblr #not art

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faith--in-the-future · 9 months

Text

AFHF23 RECAP

thought I'd share my day for everyone (and future me).

so the alarm was at 6am bc my mom had to drive me to the train station to catch the 1st train of the day towards bologna so I woke up early and packed my giant backpack for the week (which I had to buy new bc my old one broke literally the day before rip) and then got on the train! then after 1h i arrived and switched train to get to Florence where me and @riverswater walked around and saw the city before catching yet another train to go to the city where our accommodation was and leave the bags. then we got ANOTHER train from there back to Viareggio and from there then we anxiously waited for the bus with other girls who were also going to the festival. the bus was late but it did arrive and the bus driver must have been driving ppl there the whole day bc he told us where to get off before we even asked him anything sjsj after 15min we FINALLY arrived at the venue 🥳🥳 (it was like 6.30pm lol) and there I met up with @tanktop-lou (trusted louis show companion) and @dahliaaz who I met for the first time irl !!

inside the festival ppl were mostly spread out bc there were only a few people already pressed at the front of the stage (those that had entered first) everyone else was sitting around in the grass or in the areas under the pine trees with the fairy lights and the hammocks! and there were LONG lines at the merch stand and food stands ahsh so it was a pretty chill atmosphere and when I got there there was a dj set by abbie (I think) who played mostly rock and indie hits that everyone knew so everyone was dancing and singing along! obviously everyone got up for mister brightside (white ppl anthem! skjs)

after that the cribs played their set and they were really good !! I liked their songs from the afhf Playlist already and they had a really good energy live and their sound was great! and they kept thanking louis which was very nice! check them out if you haven't!

we also saw lottie and lucky in the terrace bc they were right above us and it was so weird to see them irl like what?? they exist?? crazy ahah but she's really pretty (and short!) and lucky is so cuteee! we also saw Isaac Michael (he IS hot tbh) Oli (!!!) Matt and Chris (booo) and all the girlfriends or wives

then we saw the blossoms set which I also enjoyed although I think I enjoyed their music more from the album version lol but the guy was really trying to get the crowd going so A for effort sjdj I Also liked his 70s hair and look! he kept thanking the wrong city but that's OK skgkj

then ( ~9.20pm ) there was another dj set and at this point everyone was just ready to see louis tbh zjgkh by now the crowd was bigger and getting tighter and ppl were mostly standing. also it had gotten dark which made the place and the lights even prettier

then finally and with only 15min of delay (!!) the band started to take their places and the intro started and then FINALLY the guy we'd all been waiting for took the stage woooo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the build up in the intro is so good it really feels you with anticipation! great job steve!)

this year I hadn't been watching the lives for the months before the shows like last year bc it was all in north America so I didn't know the setlist by heart and I have to say it was fun to be surprised every time ! and to experience the live versions of these songs without having heard them many times before!! I really enjoyed that! plus he went a little crazy with the setlist so by the time he did Saturday so soon I was like ok lol ANYTHING can happen tonight skdjkd and it DID! Never in the world would I have expected PARADISE!! as soon as I recognized it I was like OH NO!! I should have listened to this more RIP! at least I knew the chorus skdjkd and it was really fun live !! really went well with the rest of the setlist which was FIRE🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻 probably my fav of the shows of his I've been to! all the songs were so high energy and the crowd around me was as well ! we all jumped and screamed most of the night and it was just so fun! and as always the music was so good like all the added drums and guitars in live arrangements are amazing !! my fave is probably OOMS live it's just SO GOOD from the bass intro to the drums it's just the best! also I'm happy I got to hear 7 again bc it's SUCH a good cover and even tho not everyone knew it (😒 embarrassing) I sang along the whole time sksk and he was obviously great at it! I'm also super happy that he kept BTY bc the new version is fantastic!!!! I LOVE the way he sings the first lines so much!!!!!! and it's great to sing you fuck me up you kill me !!!! all together lol let's all scream about that toxic person<333333 bonding experience! then there were also the heartfelt moments like walls which is always so beautiful especially bc live it becomes such a significant moment of pride and love we all experience together and with louis ♡♡♡ I love him sm. also copy is SO good live like it's just so perfect for that setting and is still one of his best songs tbh

louis was so alive and hyped up the whole time he was having the time of his life !!! you could see how happy and proud he was :'))) and he went down in the front even before the last songs !! it was really fun bc everyone got super squished to the side and the front every time lol (I'm sad he didn't go back enough where I was closer but it's okay shsh) anyways it was just great to see him like that especially bc this time I was close enough to actually be able to see him with my eyes the whole time without having to watch the screens like last time in Milan so it felt more "live" in a way to me , more real I guess. (I'd love to be at the very front one day but I don't have the energy for that quest 😭)

it was extremely hot the whole time (louis would have been less hot if he wore shorts but ok!!!) and ngl the crowd was SMELLY by 10pm but it was so good it didn't even matter lol

the set ended at around 11.45 I think? and then we all sang along to we are the champions which was another prideful moment <3

and then me and rhei made our way back to our bus where unfortunately a bunch of dumb fans also were lol but in the end we made it home by 1am and finally went to bed at 2am with sore throats, music ringing in our ears and hearts full!

10/10 would do it all again!

#fan recap #afhf23 #:)

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socialmediasocrates · 9 months

Note

one of the more funny things that i've seen in bg3 fic, i think because there's a fair number of people playing the game for whom this is their intro to dnd, is the general assumption that astarion wouldn't be able to sire a child

ok genuine question, but how would that happen? is he not undead? because from what i unerstand it can oly happen if the mother is turned while she is csrrying the child.

so while i can't exactly answer why it works, one of the available origins for the dhampir as introduced in Van Richten's Guide to Ravenloft is the most straightforward way a dhampir would exist: one of their parents is a vampire. since this is in canon faerun and it looks like candlekeep is canon, i am operating on the assumption that the new ravenloft lore is also canon (would be cool to maybe go to a domain of dread in a future expansion or DLC; a run-in with azalin rex would certainly be challenging for even a party above level 12 and strahd could absolutely be tweaked that way in barovia; it'd be cool to see the grand conjunction come back into the lore but i digress)

now in fairness, there is also precedent in older editions of DND for some intelligent undead being able to reproduce; my best guess is that the difference lies in if the undead in question was resurrected from the grave directly and started at baseline dead or if they were somehow transformed and therefore started from baseline alive (eg vampires, liches, etc) but this is purely conjecture

so, yeah, no, you could definitely have a kid with astarion, the kid in question would be a dhampir which you can read more about at this link if you're interested

thanks for the question!

#baldur's gate 3 #astarion #mothspeak #van richten's added a lot of interesting things to the canon #i highly recommend digging into it a bit if you get a chance #i don't love EVERYTHING in it #and i am not completely happy with the rerelease of curse of strahd i think older editions had a lot interesting stuff in them #that got cut a little arbitrarily #i do like the decision to rewrite van richten and the vistani #dnd tends to be one of those things where you keep what you like and dispose the rest #this can totally be one of those things btw!#there's nothing stopping you from ignoring the dhampir!#it just amused me a little that the general assumption was that it was baseline not possible

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lady-october · 2 months

Text

Pairing : Oli Sykes x Female Assistant Genre : Romance, Smut (18+ Only) Full Story : Availabe on Archive of Our Own

Story Content : 18+, Smut, Drama, Choking, Power dynamics, Romance, Dom/Sub, Sadism/Masochism, Mentions of addiction & self harm, Degradation, Praise kink, Exhibitionism, Breath play, Dirty talk.

Summary :

“Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you.” She had only worked on the touring team for three weeks, but her mind had been hijacked by dirty thoughts of a man she barely even talked to. Sure, he was very attractive, but were there other reasons she was so uncontrollably drawn to him? This is a filthy story of pain, self discovery, and love.

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Chapters 2 - 8 : Mega Post

This post contains chapters 2-8 of You Got a Taste Now so that all chapters can be read on Tumblr as well as on Ao3. All future chapters will be posted as individual posts, but I do recommend reading these early chapters on Ao3 instead, as it's a lot easier to keep track of where you are that way. Link above!

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Chapter 2 - What the hell is happening?

Chapter title is lyrics from "Dear Diary"

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It was raining.

Of course it was, it had been raining all morning. This was England after all.

I was sitting under an awning on the balcony of the same hotel room from last night, waiting for everyone to wake up. Only six hours had passed since Oli went back to his room after what I fondly will refer to as ‘having his way with me’.

Six hours, and all I’d done since was clean the place up – poorly might I add, and had a shower to freshen up. Such simple tasks, so easy to sum up in one short sentence. But something very different was happening on the inside. My mind didn’t get a moment of rest, it was replaying the event over and over, picking it apart from every direction – catching up on the self psychoanalysis I was avoiding just six hours ago.

I shook my head.

Still just six hours, that can’t be right…

I reached for my phone to check the time once again, only 9 minutes had passed since I last checked.

The idea of sleep had felt offensive, so I hadn’t even considered it. Instead most of the time was spent pacing back and forth in my hotel room in my bathrobe, experiencing a myriad of confusing emotions and thoughts. So many unanswered questions were floating aimlessly in my mind. Was I into pain? No, surely not.. Maybe? But oh god it felt so good...

I had always considered myself fairly vanilla. In fact this was the first time I’d had sex that wasn’t in a bed. But I liked that, the bedroom was safe, relaxing, sweet and tender. It was.. great. And not at all boring.

I've had great sex before… Right?

And then there were the serious thoughts, the ones that had been hard to touch on but I couldn’t help revisiting.

Such as; was this a form of self harm? Will I get addicted to this type of high?

Will every other form of sexual intimacy become meaningless in comparison?

My mind would rake through these harder, more painful thoughts, gingerly touching them like hot coals fresh from the fire, checking if they’d cooled down enough to examine them closer.

But they were still entirely too hard to process.

Then the insecure thoughts would creep in; why didn’t he tell me whether he wanted to do this again or not? Was it just a one time thing – or had I been disappointing in some way? God what a sad thought to have.

I wasn’t the most secure of people. Before this job I’d been quite shy, and the only reason I had even applied for this was because I desperately needed to get away from my life after I found out my ex had cheated. I’d been living with him since I was 20, I’m now 31. We were looking to buy a house, have kids... And then one day after my office job, I was cooking dinner, he’d left his phone on the counter and I saw the text pop up on his phone. ‘I miss you’ it read. Just three simple words that would end my life as I knew it.

I’d suspected it for years. He wasn’t home much, always out with the guys, and when he was around he barely paid me any attention.

I just wasn’t ready to face it.

After I’d moved back to my parents, a friend of mine suggested this job. She worked with the agency recently and could give me a shining recommendation if I felt like travelling and partying with rockstars. It was so far out of my comfort zone I just laughed it off at first, but something in me had been itching to break free and do something wild for as long as I could remember. So I did it, I applied – and she wasn’t lying about shining recommendations, they seemed thrilled to have me onboard so last minute.

But whenever I got an order wrong, or knocked over seemingly expensive equipment I always felt like an imposter, because the truth is that I’m a truly terrible assistant. And the only reason I was here was because my friend who has connections in the right places was worried I was wasting away.

No, let’s be real; she was worried I’d off myself any day now.

I wasn’t that far gone, but I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind. And I’d be lying if I said it hadn't occurred to me that I was heading there.

But everything changed when I started working for the band. They were such lovely and fun people, making even shy me want to break out of my shell a little bit – sometimes.

It had only been three weeks since I was brought onto the touring team, it was mostly me (Alice) and Liam, who had been doing this for years. Liam was a 40 something, flamboyant, kind hearted, and extremely patient soul, who was doing his very best to try and teach me the ropes. The first time I met him I knew we’d get along great. An unfortunate series of events had unfolded causing me to be half an hour late to the meeting with him and the agency. I’d woken up that morning to my mother screaming bloody murder at her cat cause he’d dragged in a bird and managed to sprinkle pieces of guts and feathers all over the living room, only to realise I’d turned off the alarm and was actually running so late I wouldn’t have time to do anything besides put on my clothes from the night before and potentially get a speeding ticket on my way there. I’d stumbled through the door, hair in a bird's nest, hiding my pizza stained shirt with an oversized coat. I was about to start running down the corridor to get to the front desk on the other side of some glass doors, when I heard a light yet demanding male voice behind me.

“Oi, hold up a minute, are you Alice?”

I hadn’t noticed him sitting next to the front door. He got up from his seat, absolutely towering over me. He was a skinny man, long blonde hair very similar to my own, clipped back on one side with a hair clip that shockingly read ‘die cunt’ in a cursive font – such an aggressive contrast from the sweet man, smiling from ear to ear before me.

“I was told you might be a bit late so I thought I’d wait for you..” He eyed me up and down and frowned, took a step back and folded his bare arms. One thing to note about Liam is that I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him wearing anything with sleeves, usually this is a trait of someone who works out a lot, or has a lot of tattoos, but neither of these things were true about Liam. He just had a peculiar aversion to sleeves.

“Y-yes, I am so sorry I’m late, I-”

I don’t think he was listening to me cause suddenly he snapped his fingers like he’d figured something out, then wordlessly took the clip out of his hair and proceeded to push my hair back on one side with it, while sprucing up the other. “There! At least now the mess looks intentional.”

I took a look at myself in the reflection of the glass door behind him, and it did.

We never talked much about our feelings, but Liam always had my back. He could clearly tell I was a lost soul and very much out of my element. I hadn’t seen him in almost two days, he had given me a long list of instructions, including how to deal with the party from last night, then he’d taken the past two days off before we flew to America – which we were scheduled to do in just three short hours.

A pigeon landed on the balcony next to me, snapping me back to the current situation, and I checked my phone for the billionth time. To my dismay only 5 minutes had passed this time, so I slump forward with a groan, which scared the pigeon off.

I just wanted to get the awkward bit over with. I was almost certain everyone had heard me and Oli last night – maybe not Matt, he was particularly wasted.

The last instruction on the long list Liam had left me said “Don’t you fucking dare wake the lads until the last minute. They’ll be furious if you do and probably end up blaming me.”

So I waited.

Nowhere in the notes had he specified what to do if the lead singer bends you over and fucks you. It could have come in handy right about now because I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I wanted so badly to fast forward a day, after we’d all said our awkward good mornings, after the drive to the airport – and especially after having been stuck on a flight together for 8 hours. I just wanted to be tucked into my hotel room in Vegas already, finally relaxing, maybe even some sleep if my thoughts would allow me.

Maybe I’d even have some answers from Oli at that point.

I heard the tap running from inside and my head snapped to glance through the glass doors of the balcony. I could see Matt standing by the sink, taking some form of tablet with a glass of tap water. I was surprised to see him be the first to wake up, considering his state last night.

After taking a deep breath to hype myself up to get this over with, I walk back into the common area of the suite.

“Heey Alice, just who I wanted to see. Any chance you could whip us up some coffee, my head’s bloody pounding”, Matt said, looking absolutely miserable.

“Morning, yeah of course, what do you want?” This was good, if we just focused on the job surely it wouldn’t be too awkward.

Walking into the kitchen area with a clear task in mind, I could now see the sitting area where the whole band was currently lounging, including Oli with his hoodie up, bent over his phone. Liam was also back, occupied by dragging luggage out of the rooms. He must have come back recently and woke everyone up. And I had been too lost in thought to even notice.

In my surprise at the turn of events, I’d completely missed what Matt had requested.

“S-sorry Matt, what did you say?” I spoke sheepishly, shyness creeping in once I realised Oli was in the room.

“Just black for me.” Matt repeated, then Lee spoke up from the sofa, sounding chipper, “I’d go for some food myself.”

Lee was clearly the most sober last night, which was also evident by his mood today. He both sounded and looked well rested, unlike the rest of them.

Everyone spoke up with their orders, except Oli. He had yet to tear his attention away from his phone, typing furiously the whole time. Lee gave Oli’s arm a slap, “You don’t want anything Oli?”

“Nah mate, I’ll just eat on the flight.” He said, sounding completely unbothered, not looking away from his phone.

“Alright! All done with that bit.” Liam proclaimed after stacking the last piece of luggage near the door, while nearly sprinting in my direction, flaunting that big warm smile he so often wore.

“Alice, my sweet doll, you’ve done fantastic.” He proceeded to bend over and give me a hug. While looking over his shoulder I could see that the place appeared significantly cleaner than the state I’d left it in some hours ago. He really did have my back. Thank you, I mouthed at him as he pulled away.

The next hour was spent getting everyone's orders and loading up the van, then we were off to the airport. To my surprise there had been no awkwardness as of yet. No one had said anything out of the ordinary banter, and no one had treated me any different than the night before – besides Oli who had not made eye contact once, or spoken a word to me.

To be perfectly fair I’d been avoiding him too. I just had no clue how to break the ice.

Liam decided he would drive the van to the airport because he was more familiar with this area than me, so I sat up front next to him. The whole band sat behind us in two rows, and this is when the ‘no awkwardness’ streak ended.

Oli had managed to sit in the only seat that was visible from my angle in the rear-view mirror, which meant if we both looked at the same time we’d lock eyes. The potential of that happening had me both exhilarated and panicked, which made me feel pathetic. Something so insignificant shouldn't affect me this much. I kept catching myself stealing glances, mentally whipping myself for the lack of discipline. Everytime I caught myself looking, he was just staring out the window, fairly expressionless. Such a stark contrast from all the passionate emotions on his face last night. The memory of them started playing in my mind like a filthy montage. Then my thoughts wandered back to how his hands felt on me, at one point I caught myself reaching for my throat as if to imagine his grasp still being there.

What the hell am I doing?

I straightened in my seat and tried to focus on something else, anything else.

I’d spent some time after my shower inspecting my neck, not knowing exactly how to cover the faint marks left there. I’d settled for a high collared dress, then right before leaving my room I’d added a scarf for good measure. I knew I’d have to take it off eventually. Sure, it was cold in London, but not in Vegas. Liam must have noticed something was up cause he kept glancing over at me with suspicion.

We were just a couple of minutes into the half hour drive to the airport, the rest of the guys had been chattering and joking with each other nonstop at this point when Mat (not to be confused with Matt) complained, “I’m so fucking tired though, maybe I can get some sleep on the plane. Was it you Lee that was railing some poor bird last night? I couldn’t sleep at all until you two were done, and frankly I was shocked to not see the whole place destroyed when I got up.”

My heart sank and I willed myself to not look at Oli’s reaction, even though everything in me was screaming to just have a quick peek.

Matt chimed in, “I just put in some earplugs, I’m so fucking tired of listening to Lee at this point.”

I could hear Lee laughing, “Wasn’t me mate, I was the last one awake but I bumped into Oli on his way back out as I was heading to bed. You got something to share with the group Oli?”

The whole band broke out in ooo’s and aaa’s and anyone who could reach started peppering Oli’s arm in teasing punches, as well as messing up his hair. This is when my concentration broke and I let myself look at Oli, he was smiling awkwardly at them, then he also stole a glance in the rearview mirror and we locked eyes for only a split second, but it was enough for me to choke on my spit and start coughing. Liam's reaction came swiftly and dramatically as his head snapped to mine, eyes wide, jaw dropped. Did you really? He mouthed at me in disbelief.

I shrugged sheepishly, looking apologetic. Liam just shook his head as his expression relaxed into an amused smile.

While Liam had instantly pieced the puzzle together, no one seemed to have noticed what was going on in the very front of the vehicle, as the band was still very much focused on Oli.

“Was it that ginger who kept flirting with ya last night?” Lee inquired, “She was something else, wasn’t she?” He added, in an almost dreamy tone.

“Fucking hell, stop it.” Oli laughed, swatting everyone's hands away. “I don’t kiss and tell lads, you should know that by now.” He sounded so amused, making an involuntary smile tug at my lips.

“You don’t kiss at all as far as I’m aware. I thought you’d gone celibate since She Who Shall Not Be Named left the picture.” Retorted Lee.

Mat scoffed, “Whoever it was man, I’m just happy you’re on the rebound. It was getting sad.”

Rebound.. Is that what it was? A pang of sadness washed over me. It shouldn’t make me feel anything at all, especially since technically this was a rebound for me as well.

I knew that Oli was single, and I knew he’d been in a serious relationship. But from my knowledge that ended over a year ago. Has he really not been with anyone since, or was there someone more recent I didn’t know about from my quick google prior to taking this job?

The rest of the drive, and most of the flight Oli had continued being uncharacteristically quiet. He was usually clowning around with the rest of them, but whenever I dared steal another glance he appeared lost in thought, hints of sadness emitting from him.

It was clear that Liam wanted to talk about it but I’d gotten the impression that he was planning to wait until after since the quarters were so crammed. The small plane was split into two sections. One larger area that was mostly seating where most of the guys hung out, then a smaller area with a bar and cabinets for snacks, and just a couple of seats. For the first four hours of the trip Matt had been napping in the smaller area, but as soon as he evacuated Liam pulled me away to chat.

“Spill.” He demanded as he pulled me down into one of the seats next to him.

I instantly started blushing, “Honestly I don’t really know how it happened, he just sort of grabbed me and started touching me.” I spoke softly, afraid the words would travel despite how loud the plane was.

Liam looked very concerned, “Alice, do we need to call the agency? We can fly you back as soon as we get to Vegas if you-”

“Nonono,” I cut him off, waving my hands. “I understand the concern, but no I wanted it to happen.” I could feel the blush creeping in more and more.

Liam relaxed.

“It just happened really fast, and I still don’t have a clue what it means, or if it was just a one time thing.” I looked at Liam, questioning, as if I was hoping he’d have answers simply cause he’d worked with them longer.

“Oh love, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. All I know is that I haven’t seen him sleep around since I’ve worked with them the past year, but I don’t know what he does outside of tour-times. He was in a pretty serious relationship that I think messed him up a bit. But beyond that who knows, he’s a bit of a mystery-”, Liam cut himself off as we both spotted Oli walking through the doorway.

We locked eyes and I felt like a deer in headlights.

Had he heard us talking about him?

Liam's eyes darted back and forth between us, “right, I'm gonna leave you to it.” He proclaimed unceremoniously as he slapped his legs, got up, and slid past Oli out of the room. Liam wasn’t the most subtle of people.

And suddenly it was just me and Oli.

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Chapter 3 - Sticks and stones may break my bones

Chapter title is lyrics from "Ludens"

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Oli stood in the doorway for a second with his hands tucked deep into the pockets of his hoodie. He looked so shy. I knew he could be shy at times, I’d seen it with fans sometimes when we were out and about. But he had never been shy around me during the short interactions we had, just cocky and charming. I guess it was extra shocking to see after what we did last night. He walked over and sat down next to me, our legs brushed together for a split second, making him reposition.

He regretted it. My mind was flooded with the thought; he regretted being with me, it wasn’t what he wanted and now he’s going to turn me down entirely.

At this point I was so nervous I felt like I was going to puke.

We were both facing straight ahead, sitting in uncomfortable silence. Oli’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he finally spoke, “I don’t know about you, but I didn’t sleep at all last night.”

The words were so solemn I dared to turn towards him, his eyes were fixed on the floor in front of us, hair draping his face. Apparently I wasn’t the only haunted one.

But anger was creeping in from every direction. I was so sleep deprived, so confused, and overwhelmed from all my revelations, and now the added knowledge of him regretting what we did was just entirely too painful. The last thing I wanted was to be denied the only thing that had made me feel alive in years, but I could feel the possibility of it ever happening again slip away as quickly as it came about. So I snapped at him, “I don’t know what I did wrong last night, but I can tell you’re regretting what we did, and quite frankly I think that’s bullshit.”

His eyes shot to mine, the intensity from last night flashed behind them. “Do you not understand that I enjoyed hurting you?” His voice was dark and serious, “Do you think I want to be this person, someone who just can’t control themselves. I barely know you, and you’re an employee for fuck sake.”

It was my turn to open and shut my mouth repeatedly, I felt dumbfounded.

His hand, covered in a blackout tattoo with an intricate pattern, appeared from his pocket and reached out for my scarf. He let two of his fingers – the same ones he’d had inside me just the night before – graze leisurely down from my jawline to my collarbone, revealing the marks on my neck to him. His vision followed the trail of his fingers. I was frozen in place, a longing shiver running down my spine, making me forget for a split second how mad I was. Meanwhile a confusing mix of fascination, sadness, and possibly hunger was playing across Oli’s face. He continued speaking as he pulled his hand away, “Alice.. You walk around looking as lost as I feel. If I don’t put a stop to it now, if I let this play out, I’ll destroy you.”

The anger was back, and I adjusted my scarf to cover the marks again, “I’m not some poor innocent lamb being dragged off for slaughter. I’m a grown woman, I can decide for myself what I want to do.”

“Yeah? Well I don’t really give a shit.” He shook his head and let out a frustrated laugh, “How exactly do you see this ending, love?”

“I-I don’t really know, but I do know that last night was the most alive I’ve felt in years.”

“That’s the problem though, innit? I felt the same way, and that scares me. I don’t know where it ends, I wanted to just keep hurting you – and not just physically – to make myself feel better, to make you feel better. Do you know what I mean?”

There it was again, the confusing mix of arousal and fear. I hated how he described it as some form of self harm – for both of us. I hadn’t been able to digest that thought for myself last night while pacing in the hotel room, let alone his reasons for wanting to do certain things to me. Frustration was boiling inside me, making me want to scream. I didn’t want to care about the implications, the possible outcomes, I just wanted to keep exploring it. Fucking finally; something that made me feel better. Something that released the ever-building pressure inside me.

I steadied myself and looked him square in the eye, “I don’t care, and I don’t want to care.”

Oli turned towards me and leaned in close, his serious expression mere inches from my face, “I care.” He relaxed back into his seat, looking down before continuing, speaking softly now, “I think you’re a lovely person, Alice. You’re shy but you’re like a ray of sunshine – everyone agrees. Liam’s fantastic, but let’s be honest, the guys much prefer when you’re around. So I feel like a right prick for last night.” He glanced over at me before continuing, “I don’t know much about you, but I know you’ve recently come out of a long term relationship,” How did he know that? Appearing nervous, he adjusted his hair, “And I’m sure you know I haven’t been with anyone since.. After me and her broke up.”

I felt my brows furrow, a bit thrown off from his intimate knowledge of me, as well as confusion regarding where he was going with this.

He pressed on, “I know how I felt when I found out she’d cheated on me, and if you’re feeling even a crumb of that betrayal, I know you’re not in the best head space right now.”

My brows relaxed, realisation hitting me, “I see..” I sat up a bit straighter. “You’re right, you don’t know much about me Oli. You have no clue what my life has been like, or what my relationship was like – and how do you even know he cheated-” I shook my head for even asking, it wasn’t important right now, “Don’t worry about it. I understand, you think you’re doing me some grand favour.”

“You can be as mad as you need to be, love. I should have just picked one of the groupies last night and spared you all of this. I’m furious with myself for having jeopardised you wanting to stay with us for the rest of the tour.”

I shot out of the chair, feeling too close to tears to keep listening to him. “I’m not leaving the touring team. I don’t just give up when things get a bit complicated.” I retorted, glaring down at him.

He stood up in front of me, looking down on me now instead. An amused smile playing on his lips in acknowledgment that my words had referred to him turning me down rather than my job situation, “I know what you’re trying to say love, but I’m just glad you’re sticking around.” I just glared at him in response. He inclined his head towards the doorway that led to the larger area where everyone else was currently hanging out, “I’m assuming Liam knows?”

“Yeah, he figured it out in the van.”

“Do you want to keep this just between the three of us?” There was pity in his eyes, making it unclear whether he was asking due to his own privacy – out of shame of his actions, or whether it was for my comfort.

“Sure, we can do that.” Regardless of his motives, I still didn’t want everyone to know. Especially not now when Oli had made it clear this was just a one time thing.

One time. Was that really all it was going to be? I couldn’t tell if it was more or less painful to have experienced such an emotional and sexual high, and to have it be ripped away, or to never have experienced it at all and continue living my life as a zombie.

We parted ways and the rest of the flight was spent avoiding each other. Thankfully the other band members were playing games which made it easy to focus on their silly shenanigans rather than feel the emotional despair in silence.

It wasn’t until I walked through the door of the hotel room in Vegas that I let myself break down. The tears came instantly, I didn’t even make it to the bed. Instead I just let my body collapse against the door and sobbed.

Everything came crashing down, and there was just pain. Pain from knowing I wont be manhandled by Oli again, pain from feeling so terribly rejected by both him and my ex – like there was something deeply wrong with me on a personal level. Something inherently broken and off-putting.

Pain from having my life ripped away from me by some fucking loser who didn’t even know how to wipe his arse properly – made evident by the skidmarks I had to look at everytime I was doing the laundry. Why had I stayed with him? Why had I let myself become so… domesticated. I was just going through the motions of life, settling when it came to just about everything. My office job made me want to rip my hair out – but the pay was decent enough so I stayed. The flat we picked was not to my liking one bit – oh, but it was near his job so we took the lease anyway.

Did I even want kids, or had I only wanted them because he wanted them?

And then there was pain from all the small ways my personality had been ripped away from me bit by bit over the years. I wanted to dye my hair, but he liked it blonde. In fact he didn’t like it much at all when I appeared anything besides sweet and palatable. I think that was part of why it had been so liberating to dress in a more revealing manner the past three weeks. I finally didn’t feel complete boredom when looking at myself in the mirror anymore.

I cried and I cried, until I was beyond exhausted.

And then I finally slept.

The next day can only be summed up as utter madness, but it was always like that on the day of a gig. There was simply too much to do at any given moment, not made better by the fact that I’d overslept again. Being the crying mess I was last night I had completely forgotten to set an alarm, instead I had been woken by a frantic Liam pounding on my door, rambling off the whole list of things we needed to get done as soon as I let him into my room.

I was very grateful he hadn’t pointed out how I had overslept. His room was right next to mine so he more than likely had heard my little break down, made evident by how extra patient he was being. He instead helped me get ready, and then we proceeded to do our whirlwind of tasks. Most of the day had been spent at the arena getting everything just right, and before I knew it there was only half an hour until it was Bring Me the Horizons turn to perform.

I hadn’t seen any of the band members all day. Liam had repeatedly sent me off on little missions away from them – which again, I was grateful for. But I knew they had been backstage in the dressing rooms for many hours at this point, getting ready and warming up.

Walking down the corridor on my way to the stage area, I see the band filter out of the dressing room ahead of me. They’re laughing and chattering as they draw nearer, and Oli was holding a drink bottle. I had never seen him drink prior to a show before, only after. I gave it the benefit of a doubt, considering it could just be water, until they were walking up to me and noticed a slight flush on his cheeks, as well as his glassy eyes. He smiles lazily at me, making me look away out of awkwardness. The rest of the band paid me no attention as I rushed past them, knowing me and Liam were always too busy this close to a show.

A pang of worry hit me after they disappeared around the corner.

Had our talk caused him to get drunk now? Was the show going to be a disaster because of it? Would it all be my fault? I shook my head, knowing my thoughts were nonsense. Oli was responsible for his own actions after all. Yet the anxiety remained.

I found Liam and we took our place standing to the side of the stage, mere moments before the show started. Everyone but the lead singer was already on stage, and I could see Oli’s silhouette in the distance to our right as he waited for his queue.

My heart was sinking further, so I pulled Liam's shoulder down so I could speak into his ear over the loudness around us “Oli’s been drinking.” Liam looked at me, then over to Oli, before speaking back into my ear, “It should be fine, he does that sometimes, just been a while.” For some reason I had a hard time believing him, but my worries melted away once he ran on stage. The whole set went perfectly, if anything he sang with more passion than usual. But I did notice less crowd interactions, something he was quite known for doing a fair bit of.

It was very hard to watch him tonight. Everything he did would elicit vivid memories from two nights ago, making me desperate to be back there with him again. He was down on his knees, bent over panting, exerted from singing and performing, and my whole body would recall how it felt when he was hovering over me, holding me down, wearing a similar expression to the one he wore now. I tried to shake off the memories but it was too late, my core was already throbbing in anticipation.

Delusion set in; hope even. That maybe – just maybe he wouldn’t be able to resist tonight. Maybe the drinking would make him give in and take me back to that high I craved so badly, the high that felt more vital than air at the moment.

The song ended and Oli started running off stage to do a quick wardrobe change, he was about to turn the corner and run right past me but he must have seen it on me; how horny I was. For just a split second when our eyes met, he shot me the most feral look I could imagine.

Right before their set was over I decided to leave. I didn’t want everyone else to notice how ridiculously horny I was, and I wasn’t sure what I would have done if he looked at me like that again. I’d probably make a complete fool of myself and just blatantly moan, or simply throw myself at him.

So for everyone involved, especially myself, it just seemed smarter to remove myself from the situation.

I was briskly walking down the corridor from the stage to where a row of rooms were, when I heard someone running up behind me. Due to how loud the arena still was, I hadn’t heard it until just a second before someone grabbed me, and threw me over their shoulder, promptly knocking the air out of me. I never got a chance to see who it was, but I knew it was Oli. He felt and smelled just like him. Adrenaline surged through my veins, and that hope I’d felt earlier grew stronger. He pulled us into one of the adjacent rooms and kicked the door shut behind us with his boot. In one motion he flung me off his shoulder and pinned me to the door, further rattling me, wrapping my legs around his waist.

None of the lights were on in this room, instead everything was painted in hues of green from the emergency exit lights. My heart was pounding, and our breaths mingled as my vision adjusted. He was slick with sweat as he pressed against me, eyes glowing like green flames in the darkness. His voice came ragged, “Is this what you want?” He proceeded to grab me by the throat, making me gasp for air. “You stupid whore..” Words spoken through clenched teeth. He tightened his grip and gave me a shake. Instinctively my hands scramble to attempt to pry him off me so I could breathe, but to no avail. I was officially scared, more so than the first time he choked me. But what scared me significantly more than my lack of air was the realisation that I didn't want him to stop. Thankfully after a moment he let go and I slumped onto his shoulder, inhaling sharply several times. But he didn't let me compose myself before he yanked me back into his view.

A sadistic laugh escaped him, his wicked smile filling my vision, “Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you..” His fingers grazed my throat with intent, trailing off into my cleavage. His voice darkened “Couldn’t stop thinking about how you taste, how you feel..” His hips ground against mine, and I could feel the heat between us despite our clothes, as the length of his cock pushed against my pussy. I whimpered painfully, my throat incredibly sore. Through the hunger, his tone turned serious, “Before talking to you yesterday, I can’t tell you how badly I wished you’d regretted it – that you wished I hadn’t fucked you. If I knew you wanted more, how was I supposed to resist? It just feels too good doesn’t it?” As he was talking his expression slowly changed to almost childlike wonder. With a depraved smile tugging at the corners of my lips, I nodded in response.

He mimicked my smile then kissed me passionately, similarly to the other night; but something was different, something I couldn’t quite put a finger on.

Our bodies moved together, trying to get closer. It didn’t seem to matter what we did, he just wasn’t close enough. So I reached between us to loosen his belt, but he grabbed my wrist and pinned it to the door behind me, pulling his mouth away from mine. “Fuck sake, love. Let me do this my way, that’s what you want innit, for me to have my way with you?” I didn’t get a chance to respond before his lips covered mine again. The hand on my wrist pried my fist open and intertwined our fingers, turning the moment increasingly intimate – something he shied away from the other night.

A bewildering flurry of emotions bloomed in my chest; warmth, longing, sadness. It all came at once, intensified by him slowing our kiss to something deeper. Something just as powerful as the explosiveness from moments ago, but more akin to the roar of a bonfire.

My other hand freed itself from the tangles of his hair, and I let my fingers roam his face instead – an emotionally indulgent gesture that had him flinching the other night, seemingly welcomed tonight from the squeeze he gave my hand. His face was stubbly and so delightfully warm and slightly slick from the exertion of the show, making some of his hair stick to his temple. I imagined this is what he felt like after making love for a long time.

Making love.

Confusion crept in, not knowing how to interpret the situation, not knowing if this type of intimacy was something I wanted right now. Unlike the more aggressive activities which freed me from my internal pain, these tender ones were pulling on something very delicate, something that really didn’t want attention right now.

I felt vulnerable, like an open wound – infinitely more powerless than when he was choking me.

Was I starting to panic?

That’s when Oli pulled away, resting his forehead against mine, leaving me to wonder if he was having a similar experience.

A heavy silence fell. Uncertainty of what’s to come filled the air, making it hard to breathe. Do we go back to doing delightful and depraved things to feel better, or do we continue down this unknown path he was leading us down?

He raised his head and our eyes locked. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw; the vulnerability, the fire, the sadness – the pain. I felt like I was falling backwards. He was looking right through me, and letting me see something in him I wasn’t sure he showed very often. He inhaled a ragged breath, then leaned in to continue kissing me.

I thought I was scared before, but it paled in comparison to the fear I felt now.

I can’t do this.

My hands shoved at him, my head twisting away from his lips, “No! Get off me!” I bit out as he stepped back.

Tears stung behind my eyes as I struggled to land on my feet, then I tore the door open and ran.

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Chapter 4 - I can’t drown my demons

Chapter title is lyrics from "Can you feel my heart"

This chapter is from Oli's perspective.

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Something in me had been torn wide open, an old wound I thought had scarred over by now.

She had disappeared so quickly, leaving only the bright light from the corridor to flood me; a sobering and offensive spotlight, adding to the shock of having her ripped away from me so suddenly. My body felt like ice where she had been resting against me, warming me.

I wanted to run after her, beg her to forgive me for ruining everything, beg her to forget all about this, but my heart was breaking all over again. I looked down at my hands, watching them shake uncontrollably.

I needed to get my shit together, I couldn’t do this again. My eyes were burning when I decided to slam the door shut and lean against it to steady myself.

The rejection cut sharp and deep. I felt like some type of monster, like there was something incredibly unlovable about me. For some daft reason this was the time my heart decided to relax, and let myself be tender – just for a minute, and it sent her running. I scoffed at the realisation. She wasn’t scared of the passion; the darker side of it, no she wanted that a fair bit actually. But the heavier parts of me, the softer parts – that was the real monster.

I pushed off the door with a deep sigh and started pacing the small storage room in the dim green light, tears streaming down my face.

There had just been something about Alice, drawing me in like a magnet, bringing something out in me that I thought was either dead, or buried so deep I��d never see it again. And the mad bit was I couldn’t figure out why I liked some things about her. Everything she did was like witnessing a car crash miraculously be avoided at the last second.

The first day she worked for us I remember her running down some stairs with our food orders. The tall stack of containers were leaning against her upper body, only kept stable by her chin. With every step they’d slide around, threatening to knock the entire tower over. Yet somehow she made it down with everything intact despite stumbling on the last step. I couldn’t tell if she was cursed or incredibly skilled to be honest. Although the order had been real scuffed, I’m not sure any of us got what we wanted, but we didn’t have the heart to tell the poor thing. So we ate it anyway.

The moments that stuck in my mind the most were the ones where she thought no one was watching.

During one of the afterparties in her first week I’d seen her mixing drinks by a console in a dark corner across the room. She was doing a silly little dance to the music, her golden locks bouncing as she dropped a piece of lemon on the floor. A completely insignificant mistake, but she had stopped dead in her tracks, looked around, eyes wide as saucers to see if anyone had seen, then cheekily kicked it under the console. I couldn’t help but laugh.

Later that same night I saw Liam come in through some patio doors. The mad man had some type of vendetta against sleeves or something, cause why the fuck would you be outside like that in the middle of January?

I got up to catch him before he ran off again, “Hey Liam, you alright?”

He was clearly annoyed at having been interrupted doing whatever he was busy with, but he forced a smile, “I’m alright, what do you want?” He glared at me.

Liam was a blunt man, but I liked that about him. It was refreshing.

“What do you know about Alice?” I asked, trying not to look too sheepish.

He tilted his head, giving me a suspicious smile followed by a short pause as if he was contemplating whether to tell me anything at all, “Why are you asking?”

I looked away awkwardly, not knowing how to answer that, not knowing myself why I was so interested in her. He must have been satisfied with the reaction because he continued, “I know she’s freshly single, poor thing was also cheated on. So be kind to her, yeah?”

I nodded, “Yeah no worries man.” I was about to walk off, under the impression that he was done sharing, but he stopped me.

“You remember Shelley?” I nodded, she had just stopped working for us right before they brought on Alice, “Well Shelley put in a good word for her, it’s why she has this job. They’d been friends since childhood. Do you remember Shelley talking about her childhood friend from back home?”

The puzzle pieces started to fall in place. She was that Alice. The Alice that had allegedly set her ex’s car on fire when she found out he’d been cheating, the Alice who had been struggling with depression for as long as Shelley could remember, the Alice that Shelley had been calling everyday religiously, to make sure she hadn’t off’d herself after quitting her job and moving back to her parents.

Liam must have seen the realisation on my face, “Yeah she’s that Alice. So seriously Oli, be kind to her. She’s pretty fragile.”

Before that conversation I’d just had a fascination with watching her weird and charming behaviour, but now I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

And it was making me feel like shit.

It didn’t help that I made her so delightfully flustered. Every time I spoke a word to her she’d stutter, stumble, or blush. It was intoxicating. I just wanted to tease her.

But things got unbearable when we were in Dublin. We were staying at a smaller hotel and my room was right next to hers. I was laying in bed trying to drift off when I heard a soft moan. My eyes shot open and I listened carefully. Another moan. I quickly sat up in bed and pressed my ear to the wall behind me. There were so many small noises it nearly drove me insane, before I knew it I was rock solid. I started to imagine doing things to her, that I was the one making her sound like that. Every night since I’d get hard thinking about her little noises, letting my imagination roam wild with increasingly degenerate things I wanted to do to her.

And every day I would notice her clothes becoming more revealing, her eyes on me dripping with more and more lust when she thought no one could see her looking.

Every day I’d also catch her staring into space, obviously in deep pain.

Something about that spurred me on, made me want to do things to her.

Liam’s words kept playing in my head over and over; be kind to her. And I agreed with that, she should get to heal and be surrounded by kindness. We all deserve that.

Then why did I want to humiliate her and call her names? Why was it that when I was alone at night, as cum was shooting onto my stomach, that my final thoughts would always be of her beautiful, freshly tortured face?

I tried to not overthink it, it was just fantasy, right? Just a fun thought to get off to. But then my mind would start to wander during the day as well, imagining things while watching her. That’s when I knew I had a problem.

It wasn’t until I grabbed her that night and fucked her that I realized the rough sex I wanted was actually to lessen the pain; for both of us. Was that healthy? I had no clue – probably not. Everything in my body had screamed at me to do it, like my subconscious knew exactly where to scratch the itch. I don’t know how I knew she had the same itch, I thought it might have been a deranged delusion until she’d confirmed it on the plane. Her pain had been a lighthouse in the night, but instead of steering clear of the warning, I’d headed right towards it.

It worked though. The morning after we had sex I felt lighter in some inexplicable way despite being guilt ridden and sleep deprived. And for the first time in over a year I was inspired to write lyrics. I was so wrapped up in writing on my phone that morning I hadn’t even noticed when Alice walked in from the balcony. Although the lyrics had been complete shit, but that was alright, it was part of the process. I just couldn’t believe I was writing again.

For some naive reason I had thought giving in, to let myself have her – just this once – would rid me of this obsession. So I could finally move on.

When she made it clear she wanted more, I panicked. But while infuriating, and challenging, I still had my mind set on staying away from her.

I’m an idiot.

My boot hit something while pacing back and forth in the green light of the storage room Alice had left me in, jarring me back to the moment. I noticed I wasn’t shaking anymore and took a seat on the floor, leaning against the wall.

Tonight was different though, not like the first time. I don’t know if it was the exhaustion from the show, or just how impulsive I had been. Everything I told her on the plane I still believed, but something in me came undone when I saw how she was looking at me as I descended the stage. Suddenly her words from our conversation rattled in my head, sounding very convincing; ‘I don’t care, and I don’t want to care.’

I was so fed up with caring. I just wanted more of it – more of her. When I grabbed her tonight I felt so much frustration, so much anger with myself for not wanting to stay away anymore. Seeing the fear in her eyes as I choked her, even if it was just for a couple of seconds, made me feel such glee and satisfaction. I could have toyed with her all night.

But then she was wrapped around me, kissing me, caressing me with her delicate hands. She was so soft, so warm... A part of my heart that had long frozen over began to melt.

I was scared, but I felt brave enough to explore it.

Instead I was immediately reminded of why I had let that part of me freeze in the first place.

Pulling my knees up, I let my elbows rest on them as I dragged my hands through my hair, pushing it out of my face.

My sadness turned bitter. I was expected to be on vocal rest tonight after the show, which I was pleased about. All I wanted to do was wallow in my self pity– alone. I got up to find Liam so he could arrange a ride to the hotel. He had clearly seen something was off about me, but thankfully not questioned it, and before I knew it I was standing in the hotel shower.

As I was watching the water run down the drain I could feel myself slipping into a dangerously dark place of my mind. A place that had led me to drugs in the past.

I repeatedly tried to shake it off, but hours passed and I was still slipping.

Around two in the morning I decided to go down to the hotel bar, not so much to drink but rather to be around people, and to get a change of scenery.

When the elevator doors opened to the bar area, my heart sank.

Alice was sitting at the bar on the other side of the room, a bit hunched over. I contemplated turning around, going back upstairs, but I knew what waited for me there, and I’d had enough of that. Instead I took a deep breath and started walking towards her. The closer I got the more obviously drunk she appeared. She must have been here a while. My own sadness got pushed aside, sympathy taking its place.

“Alice?” I spoke gently, hoping not to startle her. Her hollow eyes turned towards me, barely meeting mine. She was far gone.

I continued, “Maybe it’s time to head to bed, yeah?”

Thankfully there was no fight in her, she just nodded clumsily and slid off the seat. She would have fallen on her face if I hadn’t caught her. I propped her against me as we slowly stumbled out of the bar. Once we were in the elevator she collapsed further and I slid one arm under her legs while the other supported her back, then I picked her up. She nestled effortlessly into me.

When we got up to my floor I realised I didn’t have a clue where her room was. I looked down at her pained face so close to mine, “Where’s your room, love?”

Her words came slurred, “You know I actually don't have a clue.”

I stood there staring at her for a long time, knowing my options and not liking them. I could either call Liam and let him know about her state, or take her back to my room.

Would she get fired if they knew she’d gotten this drunk during a tour?

Without skipping a beat I started walking towards my room. She wasn’t exactly the best at her job, and I couldn’t bear the thought of her getting in trouble for something I’d been the cause of.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was unlikely she’d get fired, but I couldn’t risk it; couldn’t risk her not being around anymore. I wasn’t ready for that.

I laid her down on the bed. She cuddled into the pillow instinctively and mumbled something inaudible. All I could do was pull the cover on top of her. Meanwhile something pulled at my heart.

I had been so lonely for so long. I didn’t even know this woman, how could I possibly feel anything for her beyond attraction? I was just falling for the idea of her, because I related to her situation. Knowing I’d go insane if I didn’t ignore the feelings, I pushed them aside.

I went and got the bin from the bathroom – just in case, and placed it next to the bed. Then I relaxed into the chair across the bed, watching her.

What fucking mess had I gotten myself into.

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Chapter 5 - Cut me open and tell me what’s inside

Chapter title is lyrics from "Avalanche”

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I was swimming somewhere not quite conscious when I heard snoring – something I hadn’t heard since I was living with my ex. But it was softer, different from the one I had listened to for years. I pried my dry eyes open to make sense of it. It was like looking through a blurry lens from somewhere far, far away, but I could see Oli awkwardly tucked into an armchair across from me – fast asleep. The lights spilling in through the window from the Vegas nightlife, painting him in shades of pinks and blues. A fleeting image of his eyes in the green light flickered in my thoughts before I drifted off again.

The next time I woke up it was much brighter and my head was spinning. I pulled the cover higher to be rid of the assaulting light, wanting to melt back into slumber, but memories from last night had already started to trickle in. How I’d ran down that corridor, trying my best to keep the tears in before I found the ladies bathroom. When I finally locked myself in a stall, the tears had come instantly and violently. I was so tired of hurting, I just wanted an escape. But Oli had…

I shot up in bed – a grave mistake considering my current state – and gripped my head with both hands as if trying to prevent my brain from falling out.

Oli was here last night. In my room.I looked around carefully through squinting eyes.

Nevermind.

This was not my room.

I quickly patted myself down to see if I was naked, but to my bewilderment I was still fully dressed in last night's attire. Before I got a chance to panic further about the situation, I heard the door open and shut, followed by Oli walking in holding some drinks. He didn’t even look in my direction as he walked over to shut the blinds before coming back around to wordlessly hand me a ginger ale. He gestured for me to move so he could sit at the end of the bed, so I scrambled to pull my legs up. It wasn’t until he was sitting that he allowed himself to look at me. His gaze was cold, unbothered, and his voice matched it, “Do you agree now that we shouldn’t keep doing this?”

I couldn’t think straight, clearly not sober yet from last night's escapades of vodka based drink selection. After a moment of just staring blankly at him, he looked down at the bottle in my hand and sighed deeply, “Drink up, it’ll help.”

I stared at the bottle, it was sweating on the duvet.

“Give it here, I’ll open it for you.” His voice was much softer now, clearly taking pity on my state. When he leaned over to take it off me our hands brushed, ever so slightly, but it was enough to make me feel a mix of the emotions from last night when he had laced our fingers together. Just much duller.

The opened bottle was handed back to me and I downed half of its content in one go, not realising how thirsty I had been. Some of it ran down the side of my face, eliciting a chuckle from Oli, but he abruptly stopped himself, like he had realised his steely guard was faltering.

‘Do you agree now that we shouldn’t keep doing this?’

My brain was slowly catching up on the conversation, trying to process his question.

The problem was that, despite last night, I really didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to stop sneaking my indulgent glances at him, didn’t want to stop thinking about him at night, and I absolutely didn’t want to stop being manhandled by him. Not only was he an effective distraction throughout the day, but I wanted to feel that freedom again, something only he had managed to do for me. He had made me feel so incredibly alive.

Except last night, when he made me wish I was dead.

It was as if he had been a mirror, forcing me to look at the despair inside myself. The mangled mess left there to rot after having my path in life torn away, and my personality ripped to shreds. I didn’t have a clue who I really was, what I enjoyed, or what I wanted out of life. Just aimlessly taking it one day at a time.

I had gone to the bar last night to forget what I had seen in his eyes, but as I sat there attempting to drown my sorrow, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was as broken as me. I knew he had drug problems in the past, and I knew he had been cheated on. How much of that was still unresolved; how much did he still carry with him? Last night my curiosity had been out of sympathy, but today it was laced with anger. As if it was somehow his fault I'd been forced to feel these things, like he had made me look there.

Maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t sobered up yet, or just stupidity, but I decided that I didn’t want to answer his question about us. Instead I wanted to return the favour and make him look at his own suffering.

I cleared my throat, yet the words came horse, “Tell me about her.”

Instantly I regretted asking. It felt so cruel, so callous.

“She was a cunt.” He proclaimed without a thought, spoken as casually as you’d talk about the weather, “That’s all anyone needs to know about her really.”

I blinked. Annoyed he hadn’t reacted the way I expected. Annoyed he hadn’t actually shared anything at all.

Alright let’s be cruel then.

“Who did she cheat with?”

“Old friend.” Hints of tension in his voice now.

“How did you find out?”

There was a slight pause this time, annoyance clearly setting in. “Why are you asking, Alice?”

“Did you start doing drugs again after you found out?”

His expression changed to anger and disbelief as he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Why the fuck do you-” He started, but stopped himself to stare off in the distance for a short moment. When he continued he was completely calm, looking straight at me, “Yeah, I did.”

The thing in me that wanted to torment him unceremoniously deflated, and I could feel my expression soften.

He sucked his teeth before he continued, “I got out of that pit though, like I have many times in the past.”

There was something I had been wondering about since the first night he grabbed me, and I can only guess the alcohol still in my system let my intrusive thoughts win, because suddenly the question had slipped out of my mouth, “The night we had sex, is that what you were talking about when you said you wanted to throw everything away?”

He looked away, clearly uncomfortable, “I mean yeah, I thought that had been obvious. My history with ketamine isn’t exactly a secret, I’ve talked about it plenty. Didn’t you google us before the tour?”

“I did, but I thought you hadn’t touched drugs in years.” I said, hoping he’d confirm or deny it.

Still clearly uncomfortable, he responded, “I’ve been off the stuff since after the breakup, so about a year. That was the only relapse in a long time though.”

Crap, I could feel another question coming, “So… why had you almost relapsed the night we had sex?” I felt guilty for asking, knowing I shouldn’t probe; knowing I had gone too far about five questions ago.

That caused him to immediately push off the bed, “You know what Alice, maybe it’s time to get you back to your room.”

A fair reaction – and I agreed – but when I shifted to get out of bed everything was spinning from having moved too fast, and I could feel myself falling forward. Oli was there in a heartbeat and pushed me back into a sitting position over the side of the bed, the sudden motion threatening to make me hurl.

Annoyance emanated from him, “Bloody hell, you’ve got to stop doing that.” He said, crouching down next to the bed, still holding me up by the shoulders. His face was too close to mine, his scent surrounding me. The way he smelled was triggering something in me, something I didn’t quite understand, like so many other things I couldn’t figure out – or wanted to think about. Then suddenly I became aware that I probably looked insane, and possibly smelled even worse.

‘Maybe it’s time to get you back to your room.’ his words rang in my ears as I fought off the nausea. I turned my head slightly out of embarrassment before I spoke, “Why am I in your room anyway?”

“Cause someone decided getting shitfaced on tour was a good idea.”

While his words may have been passive aggressive, his tone was sweet. A pang of regret hit me. This wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to hurt him. I wasn’t the only one in pain, and I felt so incredibly selfish for all of it. For the probing, for wanting to continue being used when he had specifically told me it wasn’t who he wanted to be.

For running away last night when it had gotten hard.

My own words now ringing in my head; I don’t just give up when things get a bit complicated.

How ironic.

I spoke softly out of shame, “I-I'm sorry Oli. I just didn’t want to feel like this anymore.”

A frown grew on his face, ”Nothing to worry about, I mean sure you’re being a bit of a bitch, aren’t you? But you're not in some type of trouble, I won’t tell Liam how drunk you got if that’s what you're thinking.”

I didn’t want to cry, but I could feel my eyes starting to burn as I spoke, “No, it’s not that… I'm sorry for running away last night.”

He was clearly caught off guard, sadness – hurt even – painted across his features. Slowly he released the grip on my shoulders, testing to see if I could remain upright. When he was happy I wouldn’t collapse, he leaned back, still crouching before me as I continued,

“It was just too much, I felt so- didn’t know how to, or even begin to-” My vision was blurred with tears as I heard the frantic nonsense escape my mouth.

What was I doing?

His hands were back on me, on my arms this time, “Hey, sh-sh-sh, Alice, it’s alright, there’s no need for that.” But my tears turned to uncontrollable sobs.

“Ah, fuck.” He muttered as he pulled me down into his lap to sit on the floor, my legs wrapped around him, and his arms around me. I had wanted to wait till I was alone to cry again, but I was too drained – too overwhelmed, so I let myself be held as I cried into his hair.

It wasn’t until he held me tighter that I realised he was crying too.

A long time passed, and every time I thought I was done I started back up again. A dam had burst inside me and so many feelings were melting into tears, pouring out of me as I held onto Oli like a lifeline. I cried over the maddening numbness of wasting my life in mundane hell, I cried for the years worth of isolation, I cried over the frustration of last night not going the way I needed it to, I cried over the disgust I felt with myself for having let any of this happen in the first place. And then I cried for all the pain and confusion inside me I couldn’t put into words.

His tears came to an end before mine, so he lazily caressed my back as I wept. When the floodgates finally closed we were left just sitting there, embracing each other in silence. The thought of pulling away to face him after this was nerve wracking, but I knew it had to happen.

So I wiped at my mess of a face with my sleeve, then took several deep breaths to gather myself before leaning back against the bed behind me.

Oli’s eyes were red and slightly puffy, and he spoke without skipping a beat, as if he had been waiting for me, “I thought she was my soulmate.” A sombre smile tugged at his lips, “I know it sounds daft but I really did believe that.”

I wanted to tell him I didn’t think it sounded daft, but I was stunned, not expecting such personal details.

He huffed out a bitter laugh, “Problem is, once you really believe in something eternal like that, but it turns out to be some cosmic prank – what do you do with that? Everything in life lost its purpose, there was no point to anything anymore.” Looking down, shaking his head, he continued, “If I could have been that sure about something, knowing it to be as real as anything else on this planet, how was I supposed to trust my gut again?”

I didn’t have any answers for him, but I knew he wasn’t expecting any. Instead I decided to answer his question from earlier.

“I don’t want to stop what we’re doing.”

He looked up at me through his hair, “Even after what happened last night?”

There was a slight internal battle, but I was so worn down, and I knew it was my turn to share. I looked away before I spoke, “My breakup wasn’t the same as yours. I wasn’t blindsided, I think I knew for a long time that he’d been cheating on me, and I knew he wasn’t my soulmate.. He was barely a friend.” I could only describe it as an outer body experience to hear these things come from my mouth; things I didn’t even like to think about.

When I looked back at him, his head was tilted to the side in bewilderment, “Then why are you hurting so much?”

I sighed deeply, “Because for the past eleven years I had let myself become a version of myself I thought was expected of me, and now I am nothing at all because of it. Just empty, with no interests or passions.”

He shook his head again, “That explains the hurt, but the rest isn’t true, is it?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, genuinely curious.

There was a pause as he scanned my face, contemplating, “From my experience, people who say they feel empty are usually the ones bursting at the seams with something. Maybe something they’re ashamed of or just repressed for whatever reason.” He leaned in a bit closer, that playful smile looking back at me, “Honestly love, you seem pretty passionate to me. Why else would you choose to be choked by a rockstar with drug problems, instead of just getting a new hobby or something – a bit extreme innit?”

Heat crept up my cheeks, and I could feel a smile play on my lips.

I couldn't tell if what he said carried any truth for me personally or not. Sure, it sounded plausible enough, but how would I know? There was such a mess inside me I didn’t know where to begin to untangle it. But a little bit of hope fluttered in my chest, like maybe I wasn’t a completely lost cause after all.

I heard the faint ding of the elevator from the hotel corridor, and I was abruptly reminded that the road trip portion of the tour starts today, and I was expected to prep the tour bus with Liam as soon as it arrives around noon.

I straightened with a jolt, eyes widening, “What time is it!?”

My jolt had clearly jarred him, “I haven’t a clue, around one maybe?”

I started to push myself off him, feeling panicked, but stopped myself when I remembered what happened last time I tried to move too quickly, “Can you help me up? I need to get ready for work.” I asked, looking sheepish.

“Sure”, he helped me up slowly and I made my way to the door, but there was one last question still rattling inside my head, clawing to get out. “Hey Oli,” I looked back at him standing next to the bed.

“Yeah?”

I knew this was a bad idea, but it had left my lips before I had a chance to think it through, “Do you want to keep doing this?” I swallowed, “As in, doing things to me.”

He shifted awkwardly, eyes falling to the floor. Disappointment washed over me at his reaction to the loaded question.

The tone of his voice shifted into something much more intense, “More than you know, Alice. But I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”

The disappointment melted away, quickly replaced by the fighting spirit in me that still wasn’t willing to let the one thing I was passionate about slip away. “Because you can’t trust your gut?”

He grinned at my question, but it died on his lips as he spoke, “Because I’m not sure it’s for the right reasons.”

His words sprouted so many follow-up questions; so many arguments. Realising this could turn into a lengthy conversation – and I was very much out of time – I decided to cut things short with a simple few words that would hopefully work in my favour.

I pushed the door handle down, “I’ll be skipping the underwear from now on.” When I opened the door – a clear indication that the conversation was over – his eyes darkened, violence behind his stare.

I couldn’t help but smile as I left.

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Chapter 6 - That’s all the time we have this week

Chapter title is lyrics from "MANTRA"

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The world was testing me, clearly trying to see where my breaking point was.

About two hours had passed since I left Oli in his hotel room, and I hadn’t sat down since. On a normal day that would have been fine, but considering I was just now starting to sober up, combined with Liam having me work at double speed due to being late again, it was unusually brutal.

A few times I had to lean against the bus for a moment to catch my breath after dragging luggage, various drinks, snacks, bedding, equipment, and whatever random things the band had decided to bring onto the vehicle. It wasn’t made better by the fact that this was a double decker, meaning many of the heavier items needed to be carried up the cramped bus stairs; where the sleeping bunks were located. The lower tier was mostly seating, with some tables, a small sink, and a toilet in the back next to the stairs.

When we were finally done setting everything up and making the beds, we collapsed on the larger sofa in the seating area. Liam sighed deeply and looked at his watch, “Alright, we did it. We even have some time to spare. Fucking miraculous.”

I raised my arms in celebration, but immediately dropped them again, entirely too tired to keep them there.

We had been sitting in comfortable silence for a while when I let myself sink into the sofa further, closing my eyes, in heaven from being off my feet. That’s when Liam, out of nowhere, decided to ask, “Did you have sex with Oli last night?”

My eyes shot open to stare up at him in shock. He never asked me any personal questions, and I had thought our conversation on the plane was a one time deal of getting personal. He smiled when I didn’t answer, “You did, didn’t you?”

I sat up straight and positioned myself to face him, “Actually, no. We didn’t do much.”

His expression turned to confusion, “But you spent the night with him?”

I scratched my head, not knowing how to explain the bizarre series of events; not knowing if I even wanted to share them with Liam, “I-I guess? It’s a bit… complicated.”

He shot me a teasing smile, “Do you like him?”

I blushed, not knowing how to answer that question either.

“Sorry love, I don’t mean to interrogate you. I just couldn’t help but notice you weren't in your hotel room this morning when I went to wake you up.”

Guilt hit me for having been late so much at this point, “I’m really sorry about that, I swear I’ll get better at-”

Clearly uninterested in my apology, he cut me off, ”So I may not have been completely honest with you when I said I didn't know anything about Oli’s intentions.” He said, looking guilty himself, “It might mean nothing at all, but I have seen him looking at you Alice, and I don’t just mean in that lusty way you stare at him all the time.”

My blush deepened, I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I didn’t realise I had been that obvious.

He held his hands up, “Like I said, it might be nothing. But he’s positively beaming when he looks at you sometimes. And while you do with that information as you wish, can I ask you a favour?”

I felt dumbfounded but curious, “Of course, what?”

“I can’t help but notice you haven’t looked at him that same way. So if you’re gonna break the poor man's heart, please do it gently, yeah? He’s clearly been through hell and back.”

In all honesty I didn’t know how I felt about Oli, I was entirely too wrapped up in how he made me feel. But besides our conversation this morning, we barely knew each other. How could he possibly feel anything for me? Surely Liam had misinterpreted the situation, right?

Right?

My mind wasn’t allowed to process Liams questions any further before we could hear the band members outside, and suddenly Lee burst through the door, taking long strides to get upstairs. Mat was right on his heels and disappeared up the steps behind Lee.

“Good morning to you too, lads!” Liam yelled up to them.

Earlier Liam had explained that Lee and Mat would always fight over the best bunk, having apparently resulted in a handful of injuries in the past.

I heard more footsteps outside, and out of habit I fixed my hair in anticipation of seeing Oli, making Liam chuckle next to me. I glared at him but he just gave me a knowing smile, so I gave him a well-deserved jab with my elbow.

Matt was next (again, not to be confused with Mat), he strolled in casually while hugging a pillow, shaking his head, “Will they ever stop doing that? Who cares what bunk you get, they’re all the same when you’re in them.”

You could hear Mat and Lee arguing faintly upstairs, then the bus was shaking slightly from their brawl, mixed in with some yelping noises every so often.

Then Oli stepped onto the bus while responding to Matt, “I vote we let them fight it out, personally. They’re like toddlers, let them get some energy out so we can have a nice trip.”

Then everyone took their seats, and to my surprise I watched as Oli took the chair right across from me, on the other side of the walkway. He let his eyes roam my body for a moment – never actually meeting my eyes – before looking away.

Liam inclined his head towards Matt’s pillow in confusion, “You know we brought pillows, right?”

“Yeah but last night I slept better than I’ve done in years, I couldn’t just leave this puppy behind.” He said, slapping his pillow, looking down at it as if it was his most precious possession.

Oli laughed, “You stole the pillow, mate? I thought those days were behind us.”

Matt’s face lit up, “Remember when we walked out carrying a whole mattress? I still can’t believe they didn’t even try to stop us.”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures as they say,” Oli looked over to Liam to explain further, “We didn’t have enough bunks on the cheap tour bus we could afford back then, you see. So we got creative.” He said, tapping his finger to his temple.

The conversation went on but I couldn’t focus on what was being said, getting too distracted looking at Oli.

He was wearing the same plain black t-shirt from earlier with some grey shorts. I hadn’t taken much note of his appearance at the time due to my state, and how emotional everything had gotten. While all of us were dressed in more casual attire than usual – both because this was the beginning of the road trip, but also because Vegas was quite warm compared to what we were used to in the UK this time of the year – it was such a stark contrast from what Oli usually wore. Seeing him this dressed down, without any of his usual loud accessories, prints or colours, really accentuated him. Elaborate inkwork cascading down every limb, up his neck, around his face. All of which made so much sense with his usual attire, everything coming together as one cohesive design. Now it threatened to look out of place next to the plain clothes, with his gentle eyes, boyish smile, and messy hair.

Somehow both of these versions worked entirely too well. And I found myself wondering if there was anything this man couldn't pull off. I also found myself wondering what some of the designs on his thighs looked like higher up. As my mind tried to imagine it, I realised that while I had felt his dick inside me, I hadn’t actually seen it.

I must have unknowingly let my eyes rest on his crotch area for a long time while I was daydreaming, because out of nowhere Oli shot me a piercing glance without turning his head, making me straighten on the sofa, tucking my hair behind my ear awkwardly.

“Shall we get going then?” Liam asked, saving me from further embarrassment.

This was also the day I learned that Liam used to be a bus driver when he was younger, which was apparently a big reason the touring agency had wanted him.

Hours passed on the long journey and I had managed to keep my thoughts in check for the most of it. The daylight had faded into darkness when Liam pulled into a Walmart car park for a short break.

“Alright lads, you have around 30 minutes before the store shuts. Go, go, go!” He proclaimed after parking up, hurrying himself to get off the bus. Everyone scurried to get out to grab the variety of things they had been planning during the past hours.

Everyone except Oli, who was looking right at me. His arms were crossed, one of his legs propped up on the other.

We sat in silence until no one could be heard in the distance.

When all we could hear from the calm night was distant cars, he spoke, “Are you wearing any underwear?”

I swallowed, feeling increasingly nervous, “No.”

His arms relaxed onto the armrests, and his eyes darkened – along with his voice, “Show me.”

Not a question; a command.

I could feel the heat spread throughout my body, continuing up my cheeks. I was wearing a simple black mini skirt and an oversized tour shirt. With a nervous exhale, knowing someone could come back at any moment – knowing the bus door is still open, I decided to obey his command. My heartbeat fell to my core as I leaned back and spread my legs, raising them up to let my feet rest next to me on the sofa, giving him a clear view of my more-than-likely soaking pussy from having been wrapped up in dirty thoughts about him all day.

His propped leg dropped to the floor with a deep sigh, and he let his hand play on his chin. The carnal gaze shifted between awe and something barely contained, as he let himself leisurely take in the sight of me.

That’s when I noticed his bulge shifting – growing, causing my breath to hitch.

The noise got his attention, and his expression turned intense and his serious eyes shot to mine, “Touch yourself.”

Another command.

I wordlessly reached between my legs to do as I was told. I was in fact soaking, and the wetness made a noise that caused the now clear outline in his shorts – pulling slightly to the right might I add – to twinge in response.

His lips parted slightly, letting his fingers brush them as he appeared almost intoxicated.

I was pushing at my entrance to elicit more wet noises, so I could see that delightful twinge again when he spoke, “No, play with your clit, love.” His eyes transfixed on my pussy now.

Stopping my motion, I went back up to my clit, rubbing it slowly in small circles. After a moment a whimper spilled from my mouth as it started to feel particularly good. That wicked smile bloomed on his lips, his eyes still not leaving my pussy, “That’s it, a bit faster now.”

Once again I obeyed. My breath came heavier, and adrenaline was hitting me as I realised I would cum if I kept going like this long enough, causing my eyes to dart towards the bus door nervously.

He caught me looking and abruptly leaned forward, shooting me daggers as he let his arms rest on his legs, “Look at me.” He said. Demanding words, sharp with anger.

My wide eyes met his, “Don’t worry about that,” he said, gesturing towards the open door, “Just keep looking at me.”

A breathy “Okay.” left me, as I continued to build my orgasm, followed by another small whimper.

With a tilted head, his dark eyes roamed my face, and I watched as that corrupt smile continuously tugged at his lips. “I’ve thought about what you look like when you touch yourself so many times now, I had to see it for myself.” His gaze darted to my pussy before returning to look at me. He continued speaking, tone growing increasingly intense, “You’re fucking stunning.”

Small breathy moans start spilling from my open mouth, causing Oli’s own breathing to grow heavier as he pressed on, sounding nearly demonic now, “You’re a fucking whore for doing this, you know that right?”

His words just encouraged me, setting something in me ablaze – getting me closer to my goal.

He huffed out a breathy laugh, looking like he’s about to snap; like he’s also close to going over some kind of edge. He carried on in the same dangerous voice, “I want to push you to your fucking limit, Alice. I want to see your makeup run down your pretty little face as I make you choke on my cock, testing how long you can hold your breath for me.”

I was shaking, feeling my orgasm building, and building.

He let out a ragged breath, “You close, love?”

I nodded through my whimpers.

He shot out of his chair and was suddenly over me, one of his hands slipping behind my neck, gripping my nape firmly to keep me looking at him, our breaths mingling with his face hovering mere inches from mine. His other hand disappeared between my legs, his middle and ring fingers slipping into me, going straight for the g spot.

My whole body went electric.

“Cum for me.” He demanded with a softness the other commands had lacked.

I went over the edge, my free hand grabbing his arm as my eyes rolled back. Through the sounds spilling out of me I could hear him murmur words of encouragement, “That’s it love, that’s it… Fuck.”

As I came back down his eyes were on fire, appearing drunk with lust. “You’re such a good whore.” He whispered, a devil's smile growing on his lips as his fingers started moving in me again. “Keep going, Alice. Cum for me again.”

My hand started moving again, but as soon as it did we heard distant chatter.

Oli leaned back, head snapping towards the open door, then back at me with violence behind his eyes – clearly frustrated to have his playtime cut short.

He pulled his fingers out of me and fell back into his chair, propping his leg back up on his knee to conceal his otherwise very obvious erection.

As I hurried to pull my skirt down to cover myself up, I looked up to meet his fiery gaze staring back at me, his fingers in his mouth – the same two fingers I just came on – sucking them dry as his chest rose and fell with his still laboured breathing.

I felt panic grow inside me, knowing I wouldn’t be able to appear normal; knowing I was too far gone, I got up and ran to the toilet, locking myself in there before anyone could see me.

My reflection in the mirror confirmed my fear. My hair was a mess, my face was flushed, and my eyes appeared as glazed with lust as Oli’s had.

There was no doubt in my mind that if we kept going like this it was only a matter of time before everyone found out about us.

…Only a matter of time before I found out if Oli actually had feelings for me or not.

Before I had to figure out how I felt about him.

I swallowed, spiralling further into panic.

What the hell was I doing?

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Chapter 7 - My heart’s a hieroglyph, it talks in tongues

Chapter title is lyrics from "Run”

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Get yourself together Alice.

But the woman staring back at me in the stupid little mirror just continued looking panicked and flustered.

I should be happy. I should be over the moon. When I left Oli in his hotel room this morning, informing him I wouldn’t be wearing any underwear going forward, my hope was that he’d eventually give in to temptation. Not realising he’d pounce the very second he could. Regardless of the risk.

How could I have known it would be that effective?

Sure, maybe I should have been able to put two and two together after he proceeded to throw me over his shoulder and manhandle me, just one day after very adamantly arguing what a bad idea more sex would be.

‘Because I’m not sure it’s for the right reasons.’ His words echoed in my mind. And while I didn’t want to agree with him – while I didn’t want to even entertain the idea – I had to admit the same thoughts had occurred to me once or twice as well, but I’d swatted them away like flies at a picnic.

Frustration was building. What if Liam was right? What if Oli was interested in me, and what if he eventually wanted something more? A big part of me thought it was absurd, he barely knows me. But I still couldn’t help but toss the idea around, examining it from every angle. It would explain why our time together in the storage room turned so incredibly intimate out of nowhere – and why would he bring me back to his room when I was blackout drunk, just to take care of me?

No, that was a ridiculous thought to have. Any decent human being would take care of someone in need, and the intimate moment could happen to anyone – it doesn’t mean anything.

I could see the panic grow on my features.

While it probably meant nothing, I knew that if there was even a sliver of a chance Liam was right, I had to figure out what the hell I was doing here as soon as possible.

Despite this being a truly horrible time to do this, I couldn’t resist touching on those painful thoughts I’d been ignoring the past couple of days, knowing that if I didn’t take advantage of my current panicked state, I’d never want to revisit them again.

I leaned forwards, placing my hands on the sink in the small tour bus toilet, and gave myself the steeliest stare I could muster up.

Why – The Fuck – do you like to be used, choked, and called a whore?

While I tried to answer my own question, images of Oli’s delightful expressions when he did these things to me flooded my mind, making my knees weak, and my stern face melted into a flustered smile. It didn’t help that I just had an orgasm, and wouldn’t mind a couple more.

Out of pure stubbornness, I slapped myself and decided to fight through it.

Alice – you horny piece of shit – why do you like it so much?

What does it actually make me feel, what do I get out of it? Is it the loss of control, the freedom? Sure, but while that explains part of it, I knew there was a lot more to it.

I felt shame flood me, fighting me, making me want to stop going down this path.

Was Oli right, was it some type of self harm? There was a part of that thought that scared me, but I couldn’t help but feel like the shoe didn’t quite fit.

I shook my head, knowing I was getting nowhere. I was ready to move on to the next question when I noticed the bite mark on my neck slightly poking through my concealer, further reminding me that it was only a matter of time before everyone would find out about us at this rate, further spiralling me into panic.

Okay, seriously – focus. Do you like him?

I sighed deeply. How do I feel about Oliver Sykes besides finding him incredibly attractive? I know I like how passionate he is, not just sexually, but with all his projects. I know I like how funny and charming he can be. I know I like the way I feel when he’s around me, regardless of what's going on. I couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but he made me feel some type of way – the same way I felt when I could smell him.

Discomfort was starting to creep in as I realised it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to spend more time with him, maybe get to know him better. As if just the idea of it becoming something else, something more, struck fear in some tender part of me that just wanted to run away and hide.

I found myself hoping that Liam was wrong with his observation, because at least then I could keep enjoying my time with Oli without anyone getting their feelings hurt. If anyone else found out about us it wouldn’t be a big deal – lots of people casually hook up.

The woman looking back at me in the mirror looked sad and defeated, but all signs of panic and fluster had left her.

Knowing I wasn’t getting anywhere, I took one last deep breath and got myself ready to leave the bathroom.

Everyone was back when I stepped out, and Liam had just gotten back into the driver's seat, ready to keep going. I awkwardly sat back down across from Oli, who was on his phone, casually eating some oreos the guys had picked up, as if nothing had just happened between us.

Right as I picked up my own phone to distract myself, Oli looked up at me through his messy hair and shot me a warm smile before putting another oreo in his mouth. The warmth of it caused something in my chest to heat up in response, shocking me so severely I fumbled and sent my phone tumbling onto the floor next to his feet.

You could tell he stifled a laugh. With his mouth full of oreo, he bent over to collect my phone and hand it back to me. Thankfully no one else paid any mind to my awkwardness, as they were too busy having a heated argument about amp models. But I felt like a ridiculous school girl getting flustered by some pretty boy. It made so much more sense to me to get flustered by the man before we had sex. Now it came with some implication that I wasn’t ready for.

The rest of the trip was an exhausting mix of awkwardness and confusion, made worse when the conversation died down from everyone getting tired, leaving me to my thoughts more than I had liked. Leaving me and Oli to accidentally lock eyes more often than I was comfortable with, knowing it meant we both couldn’t keep each other out of our minds.

It was 3 am when Liam pulled up to the hotel we were staying the next two nights.

Everyone filtered out of the bus like zombies, carrying our bare essentials for the rest of the night. We were all on the same floor of the hotel, so when the elevator doors opened I headed straight for my room, forcing myself to not look back to see where Oli was.

I heard a bunch of doors open and close as I tried to get the card for my room to work. With every swipe I was internally praying it would unlock, and after every failed swipe I had to fight myself to look back to check if he was there.

With a click the door finally unlocked, but for some inexplicitly stupid reason I allowed myself to look back.

He was standing all the way down the corridor by his door. He swung it open and waved for me to come over before he stepped inside.

I froze.

Why did I have to look back? It could have been so simple. I could be having hours of uncomplicated sleep ahead of me, but now there was some unknown abyss waiting for me down the hall. Would we have amazing sex, or a conversation I wasn’t ready for? Spin the bloody wheel.

Knowing I couldn’t resist either way, I locked my door and headed towards the unknown on the other side of the corridor.

I shuffled past him awkwardly while he held the door open, then dropped my bag on the floor before sitting down on the end of the bed, not knowing what to expect next. He locked the door and came over to sit next to me.

He leaned forward, facing away from me as he spoke, “Listen love, I clearly can’t keep my hands to myself, and while I’m aware that is exactly what you want, I’m struggling with it a fair bit. I feel like I’m at your mercy here.” I could feel myself becoming claustrophobic as he continued, “I had every intention to have an actual conversation with you when we were alone on the bus, but that went out the window as soon as I saw the way you looked at me.”

I shifted awkwardly, wanting to run away.

“I know you barely know me Alice, but can I ask you something?” He tilted his head in my direction and searched my face, questioning, “Do you trust me?”

I was stunned, not knowing what I had expected, but that wasn’t it. It must have shown on my face as he looked surprised back at me. I opened my mouth, “What do you mean?”

It was his turn to shift awkwardly, his voice dipping a bit lower as he spoke, “When I choke you, do you trust I won’t just choke you out?”

I didn’t have to think about it, I could feel it in my gut, “Yes.”

He huffed out a small laugh before turning his body towards me, “And why is that exactly?”

I frowned, “I don’t know, but I don’t think you’d actually harm me.”

His head tilted to the side, bewilderment spreading across his features, “All I’ve told you is how I don’t feel like I can control myself around you, how I want to hurt you might I add, and you’re telling me you don’t think I’ll harm you? Are you stupid or something?”

I scoffed, “Maybe, but there’s never been anything wrong with my intuition. Like I said, I knew my ex was cheating, I knew my past life wasn’t for me. So if my gut is telling me I can trust you, I am pretty sure I can.”

He shook his head, “That is a pretty big leap of faith you’re taking there, innit?”

I paused, contemplating his words, “If I’ve learnt anything from the past 11 years, it’s that not taking any risk at all is probably the most dangerous thing I’ve ever done.” I looked down at my hands in my lap, playing with the hem of my skirt anxiously as we sat in silence after my response. I knew he had a problem trusting his own intuition after what happened with his ex, so I couldn’t help but worry that my remark could’ve been interpreted as a jab, despite not intending it to.

I was about to clarify when he spoke, his tone had grown much more serious, and his words came slower, “When I choked you the other night in the arena, it didn’t look like you wanted me to stop. If there’s any truth to that, what exactly is it you’re looking for here?”

Of course he had noticed, is there anything this man doesn’t pick up on?

Shame was simmering somewhere under the surface, but something came bubbling up from beneath it, “I…” the words spilled out of me as I realised them, “I don’t want to die if that’s what you’re thinking – at least I don’t think I do. I’ve just been living my life in such lukewarm temperatures, too scared to experience anything to the fullest, never feeling something real. I just want to let go and have someone fly me closer to the sun, someone that won’t burn me. Someone I…”

Oli was watching me closely as I spoke my thoughts out loud, “Someone you trust.” He said, finishing my thought.

I swallowed, feeling myself sink deeper into panic.

As I sat there trying to fight the urge to burst out of the door, I was once again aware of the wonderful way he smelled, and suddenly it became crystal clear what it made me feel…

Safety.

He smelled like safety – just like his mere presence made me feel safe. How incredibly ironic, considering how terrified I currently was.

I could see the vulnerability in his eyes as he watched me, but it was too much. The revelation was too much, the moment was too much. So I shot out of bed, “I need to go.” I hurriedly exclaimed as I all-but-ran to the door.

But he had leapt in front of me, blocking the exit, “See that makes no sense to me, love.” Angry eyes stared down at me as he began stalking towards me, forcing me to take steps back in the direction of the bed, “You’re trying to convince me you trust me, but you keep running away scared. Explain that to me.”

“Like you said, we barely know each other.” I answered, my heart racing.

Another step, “Yet you’re so sure you trust me.” He said, his strong build towering over me, his hazel eyes shooting me daggers.

We took several more steps before my foot suddenly hit the bed behind me, causing my breath to hitch. “Yes. W-why does it matter to you anyway?” I retorted in a pathetic attempt to stand my ground, knowing my stutter had only made things worse.

In one quick motion Oli picked me up and threw me onto the bed, knocking the air out of me. Then his warm and hard body was on top of mine, intense eyes staring down at me, his hair brushing my face, “Trust doesn’t come easily for me.” His tone was dark – frustrated. ”You think I open up to people a lot? You think I sleep around? That’s not who I am, love.” His fingers brushed my forehead tenderly, an eerie action considering the situation, “Then you casually come along, basically telling me you trust me with your life. You’re so fucking confusing Alice, you want me to hurt you, you cry in my arms – open up to me – yet you keep wanting to run away. If you actually trust me, what the fuck are you so scared of?”

I wanted to tell him to let me go, I wanted to run away again – not out of fear of his actions, but fear of where the conversation was heading. But I also knew he deserved answers, despite the way he was going about getting them. So without thinking I spoke the first thought that came to mind, “I-I just got out of a relationship, I’m not ready for anything.”

The tender caress abruptly grabbed my chin in a painful grip, “You’re chattin’ shit, that relationship meant nothing to you. What are you actually scared of?” He bit out.

My heart was in my throat, shocked at his sudden increase in aggression, words I didn’t know to be true until I spoke them out loud came flying out of me, “I’m scared I’ll fall for you.”

The frustration left him instantly, his grip loosened and slipped away. He searched my face carefully before speaking much softer, sweet even, “Why does that scare you?”

I looked up at him, feeling as if I was losing some internal battle I hadn’t known I’d been fighting, “Because we might become more than… whatever this is.”

He squinted down at me, “Would that really be so bad?”

I nodded, scared to speak my next realisation out loud, knowing it threatened to make me cry again – and I had cried entirely too much lately.

Hurt spread across his face, “Why?”

My words came so softly, they were barely audible, “I… I’m terrified of having something worth losing.”

He rolled off of me and positioned himself next to me on the bed. We stared up at the ceiling for a short moment as my heart threatened to leap out of my chest, and I contemplated making a run for the door when he spoke, still staring at the ceiling, “Stay the night.”

Not a command this time, but a request.

He was done forcing me to stay, forcing me to share my thoughts, and was handing the choice back to me. I could give in and make a run for it – get away from the deep discomfort I was drowning in.

Or I could stay and fight through it.

But I really didn’t think I could fight through it, so I whispered, “I can’t.”

He turned his head towards me and spoke softly, pleading, “Yes you can.”

When I didn’t answer he sat up, “I’m gonna get ready for bed, when I get back I hope you’re still around.” He shot me one last pleading look before he disappeared into the bathroom, and I heard the shower turn on.

For a while I just laid there – frozen – both body and mind, before I sprung out of bed, grabbed my bag and headed straight for the exit. I stopped myself just a couple of feet short, realising this might have been an ultimatum. That if I left now this might be the end of it all, the end of all the delights and all the discomfort the same.

I let my bag drop to the floor again and watched the bathroom door, listening to the running water. I felt anger set in, like it wasn’t fair of him to expect anything from me, but it faded away as quickly as it came, knowing he had every right to walk away from this if it’s not what he wanted.

I started pacing the room, feeling the timer run out to make a choice. Do I risk leaving, in the hopes he’ll come around and want to continue anyway?

Or do I face my fears and stay?

I sat down on the bed, still unsure what to do. The sound of the shower felt deafening at this point, as if it grew louder with each passing moment I hadn’t made up my mind yet.

Every so often the water would splash differently, reminding me the culprit of my pressing issue was in there. The man that both made me feel safe, and struck so much fear in me I wanted to run for the hills. Someone who filled me to the brim with excitement, yet I was dreading his reappearance to an immeasurable degree.

The shower stopped, and my racing mind went into overdrive, raking over everything that’s happened the past three weeks, the last 11 years – right back to my childhood, as if I could find answers somewhere in there, going down useless paths that lead nowhere, when the bathroom door opened and my racing thoughts came to a shrieking halt.

Only in boxers, steam lapping him as he stepped into the room. He was drying his wet hair with a towel as he wordlessly walked over to the bed, watching me with a blank stare to see what I would do next. As if it was written all over me that I still hadn’t made up my mind.

I got off the bed to collect my bag before looking back at him, then with a deep breath I chose to walk through the bathroom door instead of the exit.

As soon as I shut the door behind me I felt myself go slightly numb, half disassociating from my decision. I chose to not acknowledge it and go about my business. I showered, I brushed my teeth, and I dressed myself in an oversized t-shirt, covering some sexy underwear. At least this way I felt ready for multiple outcomes, not knowing where this night was heading.

When I stepped out of the bathroom he was laying in bed, one arm propped behind his head, the other holding his phone, which he proceeded to put away when he saw me. Shyness washed over me suddenly, the setting feeling entirely too domestic, too familiar, yet I didn’t know how to behave in this setting with this man. Like he didn’t belong in familiarity.

He moved over and raised the cover to let me in – I followed, then he turned off the lights.

At first the darkness was smothering me, but then he reached for me, pulling me into his embrace, making me the small spoon, and something in me eased.

I tried not to overthink it. I tried not to make this a bigger deal than it was. It was just sleep after all, this doesn’t mean anything. Everyone needs sleep. Sometimes we sleep next to people we’re not dating, and that’s normal.

All perfectly normal things.

He must have noticed how tense I was, as he whispered into my hair, “You alright?”

I nearly laughed, feeling hysterical from all the recent events, from how exhausted I was, from the bizarre situation. Instead I said, “Y-yeah, I’m fine.” Willing it to be true.

After a moment he spoke again, “I’m sorry if I wake you, I get nightmares.”

He must have been exhausted too, as shortly after he was clearly asleep, leaving me to watch as the sun slowly came up behind the curtains while he held me.

Thankfully slumber eventually took me as well.

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Chapter 8 - The wolves are at my door

Chapter title is lyrics from "Empire”

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Trust.

The cornerstone of so many things in this world.

As children we trust our parents to do what is best for us, we vote for the political party we trust to achieve the best outcome, and every day we trust that the food we consume wont poison us.

That doesn’t mean our parents won’t traumatise the shit out of us, politicians don’t lie through their teeth, and we won't be puking our fucking brains out after eating the leftover pad thai.

Yet every daily decision – no matter how big or small – requires us to take a leap of faith in some regard.

For most people the majority of decisions are simple, right? The risk so meaningless we don’t even consider it. But to others, that same risk is a mountain. To these people trust is a rare and incredibly valuable commodity, not easily given or received.

The problem is, these people may wish to test you in ways you may not expect – in ways that might make you uncomfortable, vulnerable, or push you to some internal limit.

Sounds harsh? Maybe.

But if you’ve been burnt before, then maybe you too understand why this impulse creeps in like instinct, making it seem impossible to trust someone without testing them with precision.

Is this done with malicious intent? Absolutely not.

We just don’t know any other way.

***

I stared down into my drink, the air thick with the scent of perfume and alcohol.

The night's concert had gone just as expected, and so had all the preparations for it. I didn’t quite understand why me and Liam were invited to this party, since we weren’t actually working, but apparently Liam and whoever was assisting him at the time would always come along on these types of events.

That assistant just happened to be me right now.

Liam had been chatting my ear off all day about whose house we were going to after the concert, but all I could remember was that it’s some famous rapper I had never heard of. I wanted to listen to Liam so badly, but my mind had been too preoccupied obsessing over the fact that I’d spent last night with Oli – just sleeping in his arms. And instead of waking up with him like a sane person, to potentially have some amazing sex, I slipped out unnoticed before I had a chance to see how the morning could’ve unfolded.

The truth is that while I felt a lot of guilt for not staying, last night had been so mentally taxing I couldn’t risk the conversation continuing in the morning light.

Especially considering I hadn’t digested my brand new revelations about the man yet.

Sadly a whole day of pondering, while desperately avoiding the culprit, hadn’t done much else besides make me more confused.

Not made better by tonight's events.

We’d been here almost two hours, lazily nurturing our drinks on one of the many large sofas in the modern, open space mansion with a view. The party featured a large variety of famous people (or so I’ve been told) and what appeared to be models, graciously hosted by someone whose name begins with Lil – like so many rappers before him.

A handful of models had flocked to the band as soon as we walked through the door, despite clearly not knowing who they were. With one lady in particular that latched onto Oli like a leach as soon as she found out he was the lead singer.

I’d been both lucky and unfortunate enough to end up within earshot of them on the sofa as she was trying to get to know him. Their conversation was simultaneously hilarious and made me want to scream in frustration; a long series of shallow questions asked with a vocal fry, and Oli replying by deepening his already thick Yorkshire accent to the point that she didn’t stand a chance of understanding a single answer – made apparent by her poorly timed fake laughter in response.

It was infuriating, yet I couldn’t help but find him charming for messing with her.

Despite clearly being mismatched, they kept inching closer to each other as time passed. More smiles were exchanged, more whispers – and why the fuck did she have to touch him so much?

The long and short of it was; they were flirting. And apparently I didn’t like that one bit, as I couldn’t stop imagining ripping the extensions from her long, dark, Instagram-perfect hair.

Me and Liam were sitting across from them now, a large coffee table separating us. I could hear Liam drunkenly ramble on about his boyfriend back home, but I was hyper aware of what was happening across from us.

Oli was still in his concert clothes. Black trousers, a tight and colourful mesh shirt, with all the usual accessories. And she looked like she had spent a lot of money to look like she could be besties with Kim Kardashian. His hand was currently on her bare thigh, which she had placed there in order to roll up his sleeve and inspect his arm. I couldn’t hear them anymore over the loud music, but my best guess is that they were discussing his ink work.

I’d never considered myself a jealous person, but this was awakening some beast in me I didn’t like. It was some fresh flavour of torture I hadn’t really experienced before. Especially considering I didn’t even know what I wanted from Oli going forward.

What made it worse was that he hadn’t looked at me all night. I know this, as I could barely keep my eyes off him, to the point that I was worried the rest of the band had noticed. And yes, I’m aware that I was the one to sneak out this morning, just like I was the one who had been avoiding him all day. And still this was stinging in ways I hadn’t anticipated.

To make matters worse I couldn’t tell if it was some form of punishment, or if it was his way of making it clear we were done.

She leaned in to whisper in his ear – again – but this time that same wicked smile he usually shows me slowly grew on his lips as she spoke. It was enough for me to rudely and abruptly stand up in the middle of Liams rant to excuse myself.

“I need the bathroom.” I said in a rush before quickly turning around and striding off.

But I didn’t go to the bathroom, instead I made a beeline for the bar across the massive room to mix myself something significantly stronger.

As I was standing there, pouring entirely too much rum into my rum and coke, I felt a hand on my ass. I swung around in shock, only to be face to face with a tall, older man, possibly in his 50s, smiling down at me. The smile was so toothy I would’ve been creeped out even if he hadn’t used ‘grabbing my arse’ as a means of introduction. He must have been some investor or something, cause he didn’t quite fit in with the rest of the crowd.

“Hello beautiful, hope I didn’t scare you.” Somehow his smile grew more teeth as he spoke.

I was stuck behind the bar in a dark corner of the room with this gross man, plotting my escape, when Oli suddenly pushed past him.

“There you are, love. Thought I’d lost you there for a second.” He said as he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to him. A mixture of anger and relief hit me all at once from his gesture.

Oli shot the man a lazy smile, silently daring him to stick around.

It worked. The man wordlessly grabbed a bottle from the bar and stalked off to – more than likely – locate his next victim.

When he was gone I tried to slip out from under Oli’s arm, not in any mood to talk to him after seeing him flirt with someone else, but he grabbed me by the hips and turned me towards him, “Slow down, Alice. What’s the rush?”

I swatted his hands off of me, “Oh please, go back to your whore.” I bit out, regretting the words instantly, knowing it showed exactly how jealous I was.

He didn’t put his hands back on me, but he took a step closer, “You’re on about that vapid bird back there?” He shook his head, “Fuck off.” He took another step, stalking me similarly to what he did in the hotel last night. Except this time I only had to take one step backwards and I was pressed up against the bar behind me.

He leaned in a bit closer, still not touching me, so I’d hear him over the music as he spoke softer, “Besides, you’re my whore, Alice.” I looked up at him, he was entirely too pleased with himself. A devil's smile grew on his features as his eyes fell to my lips. The anger inside me was mixing with arousal despite my best efforts to stop it, and the implication of the word ‘my’ had not gone unnoticed, further spiralling my confusion as I had both hated and loved it.

“Then why are you flirting with her?” I asked, trying to keep my tone cool.

“I wasn’t, she was flirting with me. Why did you slip out this morning?”

“As if you didn’t love every moment of it.” I retorted, completely ignoring his question.

“Did I now?” He asked, words dripping with sarcasm, before continuing in a more serious tone, “Or did I enjoy watching you squirm?”

He took one last step to press himself up against me, his hand slipping to the small of my back.

“You’re a fucking prick, Oli.” I said, feeling utterly betrayed by my own body. I was furious, and while my words reflected that, my tone told a very different story, conveying exactly how horny I was becoming.

From his sudden change in demeanour, he could tell what he was doing to me. His eyes darkened before he grabbed me by the hips again to turn me around to face away from him, out towards the room. While they were far away, I could see Liam and the others through the crowd. Which meant that if they decided to look in our direction, they’d be able to see us as well.

I swallowed.

With a gentle gesture he swept the hair away from my shoulder to place his lips there, lazily kissing as his hands roamed my hips and waist. I gasped. His thick locks were tickling my face as his mouth moved along my neck, sending me into sensory overdrive.

“If you were gonna sneak out like that, why did you even bother spending the night?” He said between kisses.

Avoiding his question again, entirely out of spite, “Stop it, they might see us.” Such flustered words.

“You reckon?” He asked with more sarcasm.

I wanted to push away, stop what we were doing. I was angry, made worse by the fact that he was being this reckless with the others finding out about us – despite me having told him I wanted to keep it quiet. But his actions promised so much delight, and my body didn’t want to fight any of it.

“Why don’t you care if they see?” My tone was so painfully desperate, I couldn’t stand it.

His lips moved to my ear, “If we continue doing this, Alice, they’ll find out sooner or later anyway. It’s all the same to me.” He pulled away slightly and ran his fingers down the side of my neck, sending shivers down my spine, “I love these marks on you, it’s like you’re my canvas.” He said with words full of wonder.

Of course his kisses had rubbed off my concealer – the only thing besides my hair hiding his bite marks on me.

Then his teeth were on my shoulder, a bit lower than his previous marks, pushing down hard enough to make me clutch the edge of the bar as his fingers dug into my hips, holding me closer. He pulled away, his lips grazing my sore skin, “I just want to cover you, love.” He said in a low tone, barely audible over the music.

“Please, can we do this somewhere else?” So, so desperate. I hated myself. I shouldn’t be considering going anywhere with him. I should storm off and not let myself be treated like this. He was just cosying up with someone else for fuck sake – what the hell am I doing?

But my body was winning, it needed him.

I needed him.

“Do what?” He asked, clearly knowing what I was talking about – clearly not done playing with me here.

He began pulling the hem of my dress up. I ripped my vision away from guarding against the band members looking our way, and nervously darted my eyes around to see if anyone could see what he was doing behind the cover of the bar. Thankfully no one seemed to notice, or at least not pay us any attention.

“Oli, please…” My words continued in the same desperate tone, making it unclear whether I was begging him to continue, or stop.

The offending hand slipped under my dress and grazed my pussy ever so slightly, threatening to make my knees buckle.

But suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks, pulled away and turned me back around in one jarring motion. A serious stare looking down at me, “You’re wearing underwear.”

He proceeded to stare at me as I tried to collect myself from the abrupt interruption. When I didn’t answer he continued, “Why?”

I had contemplated not wearing any tonight, but considering I planned to avoid him until I had dealt with my internal confusion, it had seemed pointless.

I shook myself, the break from the intoxicating touches sobering me up and I began feeling the anger in full force again.

“You’re gonna question why I’m wearing underwear? Seriously fuck you, Oli. Why are you trying to make me jealous? I stayed the night didn’t I? Just cause I wasn’t there when you woke up shouldn’t undo that, or justify whatever the hell it is you’re doing tonight. What’s your fucking problem?”

He clearly wasn’t expecting my sudden outburst, and neither had the people around us as some of them were now looking in our direction.

Several emotions flickered across his face before he stepped to the side and leaned on the bar next to me, waiting for the people around us to forget about us before he spoke, “You’re not the only one who’s scared, Alice.”

The anger was still simmering under the surface, but was dulled from his honest answer.

He looked down before looking back at me with a sly smile, “In my defence, you’re fucking hot when you’re jealous.”

My frown deepened as the anger threatened to boil over again.

Nope, I was done.

I started to walk away but he grabbed me by the wrist to yank me back in front of him. “Wait, Alice. Fuck… Alright, I’m sorry.” He said, vulnerable eyes meeting mine.

The grip on my wrist loosened, testing if I would leave if he let go.

I just glared at him wordlessly, contemplating what to do next. Meanwhile somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping he’d convince me to stay.

When I didn’t walk away he took my hands in his instead.

I let him.

“You should’ve stuck around this morning. We could’ve had a nice time, you know.” A sad yet playful smile tugging on his lips, his thumbs mindlessly brushed my fingers.

Despite having been a dipshit, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, causing something inside me to relax. Whatever anger melted away was replaced by guilt for not having stayed this morning. While I didn’t know how much it meant to him, I knew it had meant something. It was the only way I could even begin to explain his behaviour tonight.

In an attempt to set things right for now – partially because of the alcohol in my system – I interlaced our fingers. He looked down at what I was doing, and when his eyes came back to meet mine they were softer, less sadness resting behind them.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Oli.” Honest words, I was clueless. I had no idea what I wanted, and I needed time to figure it out.

He laughed, “I’ve got no clue what I’m doing either, love.”

We stood like that for a moment before he looked behind him at the band members across the room, then back at me, “How about we go find somewhere they can’t see us?” He said, then pulled me in closer to speak against my ear, “Let me fly you closer to the sun.”

Excitement spread through me as he echoed my words from last night.

He pulled away to search my face for answers.

I knew I couldn’t resist. It didn’t matter what I felt, I was tipsy, exhausted and I knew what he was offering would replenish something in me that felt depleted.

A smile grew on my features, “Okay. Let’s go.”

He smiled back at me, eyes gleaming with mischief, “Before we go, can you do me a favour?”

“What?” I asked, feeling a bit apprehensive.

His expression darkened, “Take off your underwear.”

I shifted nervously, “...Here?”

He lazily leaned back against the bar, looking at me through heavy-lidded eyes, waiting for me to fulfil his request. My heart began to race, and the smile was tugging on his lips again as I was assessing the surroundings, anxiously looking around to see if anyone would notice.

No one was looking at us anymore as far as I could tell.

With equal parts excitement and anxiety, I decided to go with it, trusting that he would fulfil his end of the bargain.

I took a deep breath and began to shimmy out of my underwear as inconspicuously as I possibly could, knowing that if anyone were to look they’d still know exactly what I was doing. Especially once they slid down to my ankles, and I had to bend over to retrieve them.

His eyes appeared glazed over as he held out his hand, expecting me to hand them over. I balled up the black lace in my hands to make it less obvious what I was handing him, and placed them in his open palm. They quickly disappeared into his pocket, then he immediately took my hand to sweep me away through the crowd.

He guided me up some stairs and we sprinted down a long hallway before he began opening doors to find a room he was satisfied with. “Perfect.” He said under his breath as he led us into one of them and shut the door behind us.

It was a fairly simple room considering the size of the mansion. A queen sized bed facing large glass doors, leading out to a small glass framed balcony looking out over an empty garden.

It must be a guest room.

He didn’t bother turning on the lights as all the lanterns from the garden below lit the room fairly well.

He pulled me up to the glass doors and pressed me up against them. The glass was icey against my back, but was quickly forgotten when his hand slipped to my nape, angling me for a deep kiss. The confusing sense of safety washed over me when I was flooded with his scent, easing something in me, despite knowing he intended to take me somewhere dangerous tonight. His other hand guided mine to the hardness straining awkwardly against the stiff fabric of his trousers, forcing me to grab it. His lips left mine with an exhale, staring down at me through messy hair with wet parted lips, panting. “It’s fucking gagging for it. I haven’t cum since I came in you – and it doesn’t help when you keep running away.” As he spoke the last words he made me squeeze it, and I felt it tense through the fabric – my breath hitched in response.

“It was torture not fucking you last night, but I thought it’d be worth it with everything I had planned to do to you this morning.” His voice deepened, laced with frustration and sarcasm, “But you weren’t there this morning, were you?”

Regret sank in, and I was about to open my mouth to explain myself, when the hand holding my nape was suddenly at my throat, pressing me up against the glass so hard I couldn’t breathe. His gaze turned vicious as he held me there, “You’re not running away tonight.”

Adrenaline filled my veins. I tried not to be scared but I hadn’t quite seen that look in his eyes prior. Or at least not to this degree.

Letting go of the hand holding me to his cock, he slipped between my legs instead. He didn’t bother feeling me or taking his time, instead his fingers pushed into me without warning, causing my knees to go weak, forcing me to grab at his arms. His vicious gaze melted and glazed over, staring into my eyes as he played with me, still not letting me breathe.

Then something in me shifted as he watched me, the rush of having my safety in someone else's hands, flooding me with some inexplicably unmatched sense of fulfilment. Suddenly everything felt right with the world, like this was somehow the one thing I had been missing. Sadly the rush didn’t last long enough, as I was becoming more and more desperate for air – something he hadn’t really let me experience before. He studied me closely, testing how long he could keep me suspended like this. My nails began to sink into his arms to let him know it was enough. Too much.

His eyes glazed further, letting his fingers travel deeper into me, grinding his hips against my thigh, “Bit more, love. You can do it.” His words were barely a whisper over the distant bass line from downstairs.

Another rush hit me, a mix of panic and ecstasy that threatened to scramble my brain. I only felt it for a split second before he let go in one quick violent motion. I slumped onto him, coughing as he held me against his chest with the hand that had just choked me for too long.

After a moment or two of letting me catch my breath, he leaned me back against the glass. There were hints of worry in his eyes when they met mine.

“Too much?” He asked tenderly, shaking the hair out of his face.

I stared at him, and for some reason I didn’t want him to know it was too much, as if it would prove some point in his favour. “No.” I replied in a horse tone. Knowing it could be a mistake to push my luck like this.

He held my gaze a bit longer, not looking convinced, before he slipped his fingers out of me. I gasped at the sudden shift inside me.

“We’ll see about that.” He brought the glistening fingers up to my face, “Now open up.” He said, his gaze falling to my mouth.

As soon as I parted my lips the warm and slick fingers pushed into my mouth, causing his own lips to part in delight. Knowing what he wanted, I sucked on them eagerly for him.

“Such a good whore.” He murmured, before pulling his fingers out and pressing his mouth to mine, moaning into me with another deep kiss, his hand grabbing me, digging into me. He pulled away to lean himself against my forehead. “You taste so fucking sweet.”

One of his hands disappeared, and when he leaned back he was dangling my black lace underwear between his forefinger and middle finger, the mischief back in his eyes, “Open your mouth again for me.”

Realisation hit me, but I wasn’t going to deny him this, so I gingerly opened my mouth.

“Wider.” He bit out.

I snapped my mouth open, bringing the smile back to his lips. As he was taking his sweet time stuffing my own underwear into my mouth, I was struck by how surreal the moment was. I didn’t know whether I should be wondering if I had gone wrong somewhere, or if I should count my lucky stars to be experiencing this.

I don’t know if it was my aroused state or the alcohol, but the latter was winning by miles.

When he was happy with his work, he placed a knuckle under my chin and pushed up to close my mouth – leaving only a small piece of lace spilling out of my mouth, tickling my chin.

“No more underwear, yeah?” He said sweetly, nodding towards me – a clear indication that I should nod back, so I did.

He took a couple steps back and started unbuckling his belt. The shadow of my own silhouette shrouding his legs, the rest of him washed in a warm glow from the garden lights below us. He looked like a hungry animal prowling in the night, his eyes barely visible through the tufts of hair covering them, sparkling as the light hit them just right.

All his muscles moved beneath his tight shirt as he pulled the belt off in one smooth motion and folded it in half.

I could feel my heartbeat in my throat, knowing what was about to happen.

“On the bed.” He sounded serious, focused.

Steadying myself, I pushed off the glass and started crawling onto the bed. As soon as I got on all fours at the end of the bed, he grabbed me by the hips to stop me.

“Right there.” He murmured, before placing a hand on my head to push me down onto the bed. Leaving me face down, ass up, clutching the sheets, with my underwear dangling from my lips.

“Stay just like that.”

I felt so incredibly vulnerable and anxious, yet my pussy wouldn’t stop pulsing in anticipation. Every nerve in my body was on edge, not knowing when to expect the pain.

A hand appeared on the back of my thigh, the unexpected gentle touch making me flinch.

“You sit there, watching me with someone else – for hours.”

The hand followed my curves upwards, pushing my dress up, revealing the bare skin of my behind to him.

His voice darkened significantly, “I see you chat with a fucking twat for a split second and I want to set the whole world on fire.”

Despite knowing it would happen, the sudden loud whipping sound accompanied by the sharp searing pain was a complete shock. I shot up onto all fours with a muffled cry.

But as soon as I shot up, he immediately pushed me right back down – as if he had expected me to react the way I did.

He continued, “And you, love…” Such a sweet tone, before turning sinister, “How you stand me chattin’ with some other bird for that long, I haven’t a fucking clue.”

Another loud whip, on my other cheek this time. I fought the instinct to shoot back up, instead biting down hard on the fabric in my mouth, balling my fists into the sheets.

He made a pained noise behind me. I couldn’t tell if it was out of enjoyment, or if this was somehow torturing himself as well. Or maybe – much like for myself – a mixture of both.

An arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me up against the warm body behind me. I made a muffled yelping noise and grabbed at his arm to steady myself. I could feel his heavy breaths on the bite mark he left on my shoulder downstairs. Then his hands were on me, his touches turning more tender, passionate. His fingers reached my pussy and he began touching me for my pleasure, instead of the previous punishment. I felt myself relaxing against him, reaching up and back to push my fingers into his hair, guiding his mouth to the bitemarks. He ground his hips into me with a moan as he placed his mouth over them. I whimpered through the fabric in my mouth in response, both in pain from the stinging sensation on multiple locations on my sore body, as well as in pleasure. The gentler touches had turned into a form of ecstasy as I was coming down from the intense pain, panic, and fear. I felt like I had unlocked another type of high – another addiction I wasn’t sure I wanted to be without anymore.

His kisses moved up my neck, leaving gentle bites as he went, both of us grabbing desperately for each other.

When he reached my ear he spoke harsh words, in an almost disturbingly soft tone, “What’s your fucking limit, Alice?” Causing me to tense up in anticipation all over again as the intimate touches ground to a halt.

He reached for the belt, looping it around my neck as if it was a slip lead. When it was loosely placed around my neck, he let go of it and pushed me forward, making me fall onto all fours again.

My heart was racing, the fear from not being able to breathe earlier returning, making me wonder if I should speak up before he would decide to pull on it. Yet the bass line from downstairs sounded more and more like the steady beat of war drums, resonating with something deep inside me that wanted nothing more than to travel deeper and deeper down this rabbit hole he had led us down.

I was staring down at the dark belt curling in on itself against the light sheets, feeling the fear melt into a deep hunger when I heard him unzip his trousers behind me, and excitement made a grin spread over my lace filled mouth.

I felt something warm push at my entrance, and it was all it took to set my whole body on fire. I wanted to feel him inside me again so badly I began to tremble as I fought off the urge to push back against him.

I heard a low laugh behind me; he must have noticed my desperation. He grabbed my hip to keep me in place, before he began rubbing his tip up and down my slick folds, eliciting the most delectable sounds from him. I felt like I was going mad. I kept trying to move against him – to get him inside me – but his hand just dug deeper into my hip. The sounds spilling out of me growing more desperate by the moment.

His words came low and pained, “Fuck. Am I teasing you or me?” Then he finally pulled me towards him, burying himself to the hilt.

My arms gave out and I fell face first onto the mattress, clawing at the sheets. Only his desperate grip on my hips keeping me in place. His breathing came ragged as he tensed inside me, holding me there. I moaned, biting down on the underwear for dear life, knowing I’d get my mind blown once he actually started moving.

It didn’t matter that I knew it was coming, I wasn’t ready for it. My eyes rolled back as I tried to ride the waves of motion.

Only a short moment passed before he muttered, “Fuck”, low and guttural, only to come to a full stop. A hand appeared next to my face to grab the belt looped around my neck, gently yanking on it, “Back on all fours, love.” His words were shaky, you could tell he was fighting his own climax. Made more obvious by how much I could feel him throb inside me. I should have been disappointed it wouldn’t last long, but all it did was fan the flames of the fire inside me, turning it into an inferno – leaving me intoxicated with lust.

I pushed myself back up, my own arms as shaky as his voice. I could see his shadow painted on the wall in front of me, his head slumped forward, chest heaving. When he started moving inside me again his head fell back, the ragged breaths coming faster, heavier. My heart beating steadily between my legs, my teeth clenching, my fists balling as I used all my energy to stay in place while I felt like my brain was about to explode.

His head snapped back up and he began pounding me faster, making a sound akin to a growl. He yanked on the make-shift leash, choking me for a second as it pulled me up against him, then the movements came to a sudden stop.

“I should’ve fucking cum without you this morning, I can’t do this much longer.” He said through clenched teeth, a mixture of frustration and anger dripping from his words.

Once again I felt him tense inside me, and I couldn’t help it, it was too tempting; I moved my hips on him, causing him to whimper and hold me tighter to prevent further movement.

“None of that.” His words were breathy and distant, clearly too busy focusing on not coming just yet. A grin bloomed on my face, feeling high as a kite from all the extreme sensations I’ve experienced tonight.

Since I wasn’t able to move my hips – and despite my better judgement – I tensed my pussy instead. His grip on me tightened further, turning painful with his nails digging into me, another low and pained noise escaping him as he buried his face in my neck.

“You’ll regret that.” He spoke against my skin before pushing me forward, yanking the belt harder – not quite stopping my breathing, but hard enough to make me grab for it out of pain. I fumbled to steady myself as he suddenly let go of the belt to grab my hips, pounding me hard and fast – just for a moment – before he pulled out. He let go of me, and I slumped forward onto the bed, feeling empty and shaky.

“Come here, down on your knees.” His words were low and pained.

Regardless of my state, I hurried to do as he said, knowing he was close.

As soon as I got on my knees he shoved his hand into my hair to guide my face close to his cock. It was so beautifully veiny and slick from my own juices, bobbing slightly from the edging.

“Open your mouth.” He bit out, in an oh-so-delightfully desperate tone.

I snapped it open and looked up at him. He appeared possessed, completely taken over by lust. His lips were as glossy as his eyes as he stared down at me.

Hurriedly, he pulled the underwear out of my mouth, then grabbed his cock to stroke it as he spoke, “I can’t tell you how tempting it is to cum all over you, love – show everyone downstairs you’re my whore.” His voice was deeper as he got closer to the edge.

My nerves crept back at his words, my eyes darted between the cock in his hand and his dark, glassy, eyes.

“I can’t imagine a more beautiful image.” With each word his tone fell deeper still, turning it nearly demonic. Every stroke came longer, slower – with more intent.

“Suck it.” Barely a whisper. He guided my head onto it with a moan, and as soon as my lips closed around his length I felt the cum spilling onto my tongue. The fist in my hair pushing and pulling me the way he wanted, my mouth filling up more and more with every movement. So many sounds spilling out of him as he trembled, making my eyes fall shut; making me moan in response – making me not want to swallow, so I could keep feeling exactly like this for longer.

When he was done he pulled out of my mouth, and fell to his knees in front of me.

Bliss was on his features; tired eyes, flushed face, a lazy wicked grin, with his still hard cock pressing up against his shirt as he was leaning forwards slightly. I could feel my own features mirroring his bliss as I took in the sight of him.

I wanted so badly to take a mental screenshot and keep it forever.

The lazy smile on his lips grew as he was staring at my mouth. He gently grabbed my chin, realising I was still holding his cum in there.

With a soft laugh he said, “Go on, swallow.”

Reluctantly, I did as he said, feeling the warm liquid run down my throat.

He scanned my face with wonder in his eyes, “Good girl.”

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