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weebsinstash · 1 year

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HOLY SHIT MERRY CHRISTMAS HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REPLYING TO MY GIGANTIC ASK!!!! I screamed when I saw it and it's just such a delight reading anything you write, from your additions to my idea to your own original concept 🥺. Like!!!! Ily and your concept was bomb!! Amazing!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE SUCH A BLESSING AND IF YOU WANNA RAMBLE MORE ABOUT IT. Just know I'm here and Imma read the entire thing.

I mean since I am in Creative Mode right now fjfjfkckf I kind of shared most of the details from that one original idea I had besides maybe like specific scenarios? Or i guess I just wound up writing just this one and it got really long

Ok so. Imagine a scenario where Reader is married off to the Emperor. She's only a concubine because she is not high ranking enough to be Empress, like unfortunately in these sorts of stories and political systems the Empress is typically like a political marriage of extremely high value, so you're kind of The Official Side Bitch while other women are being considered for Empress which, insanely burns you because regardless of whether Reader loves the Emperor or she doesn't and this is a prison, now she's basically his accessory and not even like the main/only wife?

Separate idea for a second but sometimes I imagine awakening as Saintess is the thing that lowkey fucks Reader over and makes her of high enough status to be Empress and it can also be easily spun into propoganda how the war hero Emperor and the Saintess fell in love before either of them rose to their stations and how oh, it must be preordained by the heavens

But anyways for this scenario, imagine they've been married and Reader is feeling extremely unhappy and neglected to the point she's being socially withdrawn and isn't particularly speaking to anyone or doing anything. Perhaps the Emperor has had certain behaviors that have upset her, like punishing servants too harshly for menial things such as not attending to her with absolute perfection, she hates hearing that he is getting other concubines, daughters and princesses of foreign nations as symbolic political alliances, perhaps the Emperor, because of decorum, was forced to admonish or even punish her in some way for something she did such as speaking out against another harem woman who was being disrespectful and causing some sort of argument or even fight. Reader gets emotional and winds up slapping a noble woman and the Emperor puts her on house arrest as punishment, but it's mostly as a form of protection since some of these women are deliberately trying to rile you up and start shit as an excuse to try and bring you down or retaliate because they disliked you before you even gave them any reason to, but Reader then feels isolated and hates how he didn't try and defend her, that her losing her temper was worse than whatever the woman had said.

It doesn't feel good to put your love and trust into someone and have them choose someone else's side. It's like taking whatever small sense of security and self worth you had and chipping away at it.

So in all of her feelings of betrayal and isolation, Reader starts keeping most things to herself. She doesn't go out even after the Emperor lifts the punishment. She refuses invites sent by courier from any of the other women. She instructs her servants to close the gates of her palace and not to let anyone enter without her explicit permission. And of course, she tells no one as she slowly begins to fall ill, gradually getting sicker and sicker, forbidding any of the servants from saying a single thing. It becomes severe enough thst she's eventually spending most of her days in bed, feeling too week to do much of anything

Finally one of the loyal servants cracks. They can't conceal this at the risk of your health even if you have asked them to. This might have already gone on for too long. You seem to almost be deteriorating. By the time a servant personally informs the Emperor of your state and he's rushed to check on you, you're completely unconscious, feverish, you've lost weight since he's seen you last. The royal doctors are summoned immediately, but the prognosis isn't good. You're extremely weak and they aren't exactly sure why which is concerning for multiple reasons. They have no concrete evidence what disease it is that is making you so incredibly fragile. It's like your body lacks the energy to move, speak, even wake up entirely.

A doctor makes the mistake of telling the Emperor that, surely if this illness had been caught in its infancy, your condition wouldn't be so severe. They are unsure if they can cure you. They can't even promise that you are going to live.

When your eyes finally open again you've been unconscious for several days and not a single person around you is familiar. Your entire palace staff have been changed. Where are all your maids and guards who you've come to know over these years, people you've worked with, all but grown up with? The new staff will not answer you, simply brushing you off, that such matters are not important to waste energy worrying in when you are in such weak health

You have a bad feeling. You have such a horrible fucking feeling that something is wrong that it's making your skin crawl. It takes everything you have to get your body to move out of bed, your heart hammering with anxiety, fear and desperation sinking in like a poison. You try to leave your bedroom and there are guards posted outside who all but order you to go lie back down. But you refuse, and even, you tell them to their faces that if they DARE touch you that His Majesty The Emperor would surely kill them

Something about the look in those men's eyes seemed all too afraid to you. The bad gut-feelings intensify. You're all but stumbling out of your palace with a small team of unrecognizable people trailing after you. You're not even sure where you're going but something is WRONG, you can FEEL IT, and to add to your irritation are all of these buzzing flies. When did so many pests make it into the palace? They keep growing and growing in numbers in an intensity you've never seen even in the hottest summer months, it's vile, it's disgusting, it's

it's... because your entire former staff are all hanging in the central courtyard, strung up by their necks, hung dead as insect scavengers feast on their decaying bodies for everyone to see. A punishment left out in the open as a warning to the others of their treasonous crimes.

You just start wailing hysterically. Those were your friends. That was like your family. In this scenario the thing that was causing Reader to fall ill was the mana accumulating in her body without any sort of outlet, until now, when she awakens as Saintess, and just begins to sob. You're sitting there just wailing and sobbing and screaming like you've never screamed before and rain is pouring down everywhere like a sudden squall, practically hurricane force winds as there seems to be almost a halo of dry sky around you and the hideously disrespected bodies of your subordinates. You're weeping, and the sky weeps with you.

And I imagine this is the final straw that makes Reader go "I swear to fucking god I am getting a divorce from this man or kill one of us trying" and im her position as Saintess she has incredible negotiating power to do so because, oh, the Emperor is holding the Saintess hostage in am unwanted marriage and is refusing to let her make any pilgrimages to help the people? How is she supposed to heal the sick and bring rain to the regions affected by drought then? What would the commoners think? What would the other nobles think? The Saintess is supposed to be a hero of the land, and the Emperor has a heart filled with greed that desires to keep her to himself? There would be enormous outrage and push back. The High Church would be more likely to incite a rebellion before they allowed the literal savior and figurehead of their church who has been missing for over a century to be held hostage

The Emperor is just holding court with tons of his ministers and maybe even some priests connected with the church are there when Readsr just barges in with a piece of paper where she's spent the last week combing through the royal library and researching old texts and laws and found several established precedents that entitle her to divorce, such as an old law that since the happiness and mental health of the Saintess are extremely critical to her role and ability to do her job that should something be causing her significant distress that it must be handled or left up to her discretion. Well she hates this busted ass one sided marriage with a stone wall of a man she spent years worrying about and wasting her energy on and she snarkily smirkingly tells him to his face that it's over, he can't do anything

Reader who before falling in had barely made any eye contact with the Emperor let alone smile is now viciously taunting him to his face that she can divorce him and he can't do anything, she can even leave the palace so she chooses to, he can't do anything to stop her, she finally has the personal freedom she's wanted her entire life. No one can tell her how to act anymore, how to speak anymore, she's just laughing and twirling and dancing to mock him and mock everyone who has tried to contain her and the Emperor has never loved you more than seeing how happy and free you look in this moment so OF COURSE he's like NO 🥺 B BUT WE'RE MAN AND WIFE 🥺 I KNOW I WASNT THE MOST FORTHCOMING BUT YOU CANT DIVORCE ME and I imagine he even tries to find laws that overturn the legal precedent, maybe even tries, outright disobey the laws entirely and says "fuck that I'm the current Emperor, new law, that one law is bullshit and we don't have to follow it"

I do like the thought of Saintess Reader getting to flaunt her girlboss power and be free of him for a while and get to do her own thing and maybe travel the country doing her Saintess duties while he gets like max mental illness level obsessive and desperate to the point he's literally dragging her back even if she's kicking and screaming. Who knows maybe she can even get some new dick while she's out of the house, as a treat

#yandere stuff #sinprompts

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captxin-rex · 3 years

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How the Bad Batch react to Omega being upset (HC’s)

Hello there!

I have written more Headcanons! I do so enjoy writing these.

This one is a sort of continuation of the last one I did, that you can find right here.

So, as the title stipulates, this one is about the Bad Batch reacting to Omega being upset. It’s gonna be slightly AU, as I will be including Crosshair. Our boys aren’t really shown to be processing their emotions as they are constantly on the move (and are apparently built to withstand stress), so I thought I’d write a little something about how I think they would help Omega process her emotions.

Warnings: Fluff galore! Lots and lots of it. There will be quite a bit of angst and minor mentions of violence. Slightly AU. Some swearing (both English and Mando’a – forgive me if the Mando’a isn’t right. I relied heavily on the internet for the translations). Also, I never got it proof read so sorry in advance if there's any grammar/spelling mistakes!

Happy reading!

Hunter:

· We all know Hunter is stoic and acts like a tough, no-nonsense leader, but under that dark and broody façade is a sweet man who loves Omega with all his heart. She is very precious to him and he’s very glad that they took her with them when they escaped from Kamino.

· She managed to push past his tough exterior and unlock emotions within him that he didn’t even know he had. Watching her grow as a person and experience the galaxy brings him so much happiness and he’s glad that he gets to experience it with her.

· So, when Omega is hurting, he hurts too, and not just because he can sense when she is upset by the way her breathing changes or the sounds of her very quiet sobs that anyone else would struggle to hear.

· He doesn’t like seeing her sad but, in the beginning, he doesn’t quite know what to do when she’s upset, as he’s never really had to deal with an upset child before.

· He doesn’t really go for physical contact with anyone because of his enhanced senses, and at first, he is reluctant to hug her back when she hugs him – usually he would just put his hands on her shoulders and try to talk to her.

· But Omega is too sweet and pure and deserves all the love in the world, so the resolute walls he built up from being a soldier came crashing down and he finally hugged her one day when she was particularly sad and exhausted.

· He just held her close and gently rubbed her shoulders, telling her that everything would be okay, and promised her that he would always be there to look after her. He would never leave her, and he would never let anyone hurt her.

· The hug also puts him at ease too and after a while even his senses become used to it and it doesn’t bother him. He also needs this as much as she does, even if he doesn’t realise it at first. (Tech was right all those months ago when he was rambling about the benefits of a hug).

· He will never push for her to tell him what’s wrong, but will let her know that when she’s ready to talk he will be there to listen and offer support.

· Omega will often fall asleep, safe, and warm, in Hunter’s arms. He sometimes falls asleep too, relieved that he could be there for her and that she was safe in his arms, protected from harm.

Wrecker:

· A lot of people think that Wrecker is just big and loud, so how could he possibly be a comforting presence when someone is upset?

· Well, for one, he is the best hugger out of the Bad Batch and when people are upset, particularly Omega, he is usually the first to notice (after Hunter and his enhanced senses).

· He took to Omega basically straight away when the Bad Batch escaped Kamino with her. They have the same excitable energy and constantly hype each other up.

· They have a very special bond, and he hates seeing her upset and will do anything to see her smile again. Seeing her sad makes him upset and angry. He just wants her to be happy.

· He will scoop her up in his arms and hold her until she calms down, humming a random tune to soothe her.

· He will try to make her laugh by telling awful dad jokes and he will let her hold Lula because Lula helps him when he’s upset. He will also grab the Tooka doll he made her, called AZ, because double the tooka, double the happiness.

· When Omega does finally smile, Wrecker’s heart will soar. He feels that sometimes people judge him and fear him because of his appearance, but when Omega seeks him out when she is upset and he can make her smile again, it makes him realise that maybe people are wrong about him and that he’s wrong about himself - maybe he’s not so scary after all. He does in fact understand the need for subtlety and softness when it comes to comforting someone, despite what appearances suggest.

· When she has calmed down and is ready to talk about what’s wrong, he will be like “Who made you upset? Was it Crosshair? Because I’ll kick his shebs!”

· Once any ass-kickings have been given (if needed), they will seek out some food together (Mantell Mix is a favourite, of course).

· They will laugh and joke and have the biggest grins on their faces, happy to be in each other’s presence.

Tech:

· Tech, the clever clogs that he is, knew how special Omega was from the beginning when he analysed her DNA.

· However, he was still a little awkward around her at first because he, like the rest of his brothers, wasn’t used to having a child around, but they ended up bonding over their mutual love of knowledge and Omega hanging on his every word, especially when it came to teaching her about the Marauder. He likes that she doesn’t brush him off when he tells her facts, and actually asks him more questions and genuinely likes learning what she can from him.

· Now, Tech is a very smart man and has gathered knowledge about what to do if someone is upset, you know, just in case he ever needed to comfort someone.

· In theory, comforting someone seems pretty straightforward, but putting it into practise? Not as straightforward as it seems!

· Omega was upset one day, and usually she would seek out Hunter or Wrecker, but they weren’t there. He knew he had to do something, as he didn’t like to see her upset. But the thought of trying to console her made him slightly uncomfortable. What if he made her feel worse rather than better?

· He pushed his anxiety to the side anyway and asked her what was wrong, but she just sniffed and shook her head, leaving Tech to search his brain for what he should do next. He internally berated himself for being slow in providing comfort, because the longer he took to think of something, the longer Omega was upset.

· After a few long, slightly uncomfortable moments he said “You know, I have read that hugs have been proven to reduce stress and they also release oxytocin- “

· Before he could even finish his sentence, Omega threw her arms around him and held tight. He awkwardly patted her back at first, but then relaxed and hugged her properly. He held her tight and sat quietly for a few moments, letting her get her breathing back under control.

· He also started to feel the benefits of the hug and finished telling Omega why hugs are healthy. She looked up at him and smiled, thanking him for making her feel better. Seeing her smile at him like that made his heart melt and he was so relieved that he could help her feel better. He knew that information about hugs would come in handy one day!

· Omega would then tell the rest of the batchers this and try to get all of them to hug regularly, for the sake of their health! This idea was met with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

Echo:

· Echo wasn’t so sure about having Omega aboard the Marauder at first, mostly because he didn’t think she would be safe travelling with them.

· But then he saw how well she fit in, and he realised that she belonged with them.

· During his time as an ARC trooper, Echo saw some pretty messed up shit on the dangerous missions he was sent on (often with Fives). Some of these missions gave him terrible nightmares, and he would wake up shouting and terrified. Fives would calm him down and hug him, saying “It’s okay, vod, you’re safe”. He would also do the same for Fives if he ever had nightmares. He still has nightmares from when he was imprisoned at Skako Minor.

· One night, Hunter, Wrecker and Tech were out getting supplies, leaving Echo on the ship with Omega and Crosshair. Omega had retired to her room at his request to get some sleep a few hours before.

· He then heard small, quiet whimpers coming from Omega’s little room and immediately went to see if she was ok. By the time he climbed up the ladder, she was awake and looked terrified, and the scared look on her face reminded him of himself and Fives, when they would awaken in the dead of night, from dreams plagued with war and darkness.

· He asked her if she had a nightmare and she nodded her head, so he helped her down the ladder, and took her to sit down in one of the chairs in the cockpit, stopping to get a blanket along the way.

· He put the blanket around her, and she immediately leaned into him, searching for comfort, and he hesitantly put his arms around her, worried that his cybernetics would hurt her.

· However, she didn’t make any sign that his cybernetics bothered her, so he held her more firmly and let her cry, while he whispered, “It’s ok, vod’ika, you’re safe”, just like Fives would whisper to him.

· He let silent tears of his own fall, thinking about how unfair it was that Fives wasn’t there with him, about the war that had taken so many of his brothers. He hated that Omega was going through this, she was too young! He composed himself, putting on the mask of a tough soldier, and asked Omega what her nightmare was about.

· He vowed that night that he would always be there for Omega, no matter what.

Crosshair:

· Crosshair was very against having Omega aboard the Marauder. She was a child, had no combat experience, and would be a liability.

· He found her irritating at first, she and Wrecker were always doing something and were too energetic for his tastes. He tried to avoid her as much he could, which was difficult to do on the Marauder. He was even sarcastic and downright rude to her a few times, which the rest of his brothers reprimanded him for.

· Yet, no matter how sarcastic or unpleasant he was, Omega would still try to talk to him. She always made an effort to ask how he was, to engage him in conversation. And she always made sure he was included in every discussion the group had. She even came to him for advice about shooting her bow on a few occasions.

· She started to grow on him, and after a while he got used to her presence and even started to enjoy it, and he stopped trying to avoid her and actually held conversations with her. She was a little ray of sunlight in their ragtag group. But there was no way in hell he would ever admit that to anyone, he even had trouble admitting that to himself!

· One day, he was asked to stay behind with Omega because she needed a break, whilst the other batchers went to do an easy job for Cid. Apparently Hunter had decided that Wrecker’s, Tech’s and Echo’s skills would be needed more than Crosshair’s for that job.

· He heard Omega crying, and he froze. What the kriff was he supposed to do with a crying child? That was usually Hunter or Wrecker’s territory. Kriff, even Tech and Echo would be a better choice than him.

· But they weren’t there, and he couldn’t very well leave Omega to sit and cry on her own, could he? Even he wasn’t that cold.

· He approached her slowly, and knelt in front of her, intent on asking her what was wrong and trying to fix it as fast as possible. Before he opened his mouth, she threw her arms around him. He sat frozen for what felt like hours, arms limp at his side whilst Omega held him and cried. He brought his arms up and patted her on the back a few times before drawing her slowly away from him and looking at her.

· “Come with me,” he said, and he took her to a little makeshift target practise range he had made for himself to let off some steam when he needed to, making sure she brought her bow with her. They stood side by side like that for a while, Omega shooting her bow and Crosshair occasionally giving her advice on how to shoot more accurately.

· From that point on, Crosshair and Omega became closer and would use the practise range together when everything got a little too much for them. And Crosshair vowed quietly to himself that he would never let anyone harm their little ray of sunshine.

Tag list: @eyecandyeoz @itsjml @kratosfan6632466 @radbatch

(if you wanna be tagged in any of my future stuff just let me know via message!)

#the bad batch #the bad batch omega #the bad batch echo #the bad batch hunter #the bad batch wrecker #the bad batch crosshair #the bad batch tech #the bad batch spoilers #the bad batch headcanons #headcanon #clone force 99

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vtforpedro · 3 years

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long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

#vtforpedro personal #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicidal ideation #tw suicide #tw mental health #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw mental illness #personal #medical #also she is obligated by law to report suicide risks and right now that's to the police so I can't blame her for that #we desperately need crisis intervention rather than fucking asshole cops but that's just what it is right now

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boys-from-santacarla · 3 years

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Note; I deeply apologize seeing as this is going to end up being long. Onto the information; My name is Ghost(mainly go by this one), Acid, Killer(more of a nickname), or Gore(more of a nickname). I go by he/they/xe/its, and I'm a dude, MLM and poly so it really doesn't matter much who it is. Born March 31st, being an Aries I'm a very loud and energetic person. I'm also very impulsive and get myself into deep shit, even if I don't realize I'm doin' it. I get overly loud when the topic is about something I enjoy or is into, if I try flirting on purpose it's ass but when I do it without realizing I get called a huge flirt. Big music and art geek, I have sketchbooks upon sketchbooks filled just sitting around in my room. I listen to a lot of rock like Queen, Guns N Roses, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, ACDC, Nickelback, KISS, Slipknot, KoRn, and on and on. Although I listen to every genre of music minus country(although there are few songs I can deal with). Big tattoo/piercing person, if you have one visible I will point it out and geek out about it. Although literally don't ask me to name a few songs unless I've been rambling on about it because I have the shittiest memory. I dye my hair so often it's surprising my hair is still healthy. I have literally bleached my hair, dyed it red and let that fade for a week, then dyed it blue and have been touching up the blue ever since then. If it wasn't due to money problems and the fact it's hard to borrow in my town my hair would probably have my hair a different color every two weeks. I ramble quite a bit and have the shittiest focus and memory, so you may have to pull me to the side and tell me to calm down. Would definitely compliment on the boys looks, specially their outfits. I'm a coffee and monster addict at this point, you'll see one or the other in my hand, and the occasional water bottle because I try to keep myself health. My love language is through touch and insulting people. Ex, "I fucking love you dumbass" or flipping you off playfully as a way of saying "i love you bitch". Smoking doesn't bother me, grew up around it my entire life. I love riding on motorcycles, no matter the weather, is it cold asf, nice idgaf, is it raining, shit lets go. I have a bad(good in some people's eyes) of using petnames/nicknames for everyone. Everyone has a wholesome petname from me and then I'll call them a whore or some shit. I cuss too much for my own good, I literally don't have a filter in my entire body. I will impulsively say shit, sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes it's a bad thing. Due to my anxiety I try to stay away from large crowds, but if I'm in them (aka on the boardwalk) I will have music blaring in my ears and my ears glued into my current sketchbook. Although I currently don't have them, I'm going to add them anyways because I'm going to end up getting them when I have the money to go to a piercer or to get a kit. I want a shit ton of piercings. Such as snake bites(lip piercing), tongue, septum, all of the piercings finished on my ears, and bridge. I've stated once I'm a big tattoo geek, so I want a quite a bit of those. I'm definitely a big "oh let's do it myself" person, and I have tried giving myself a septum piercing. (it would've worked if it wasn't for the fact I did it too low to be able to flip it up to hide it) I love the adrenaline of fights, it doesn't matter if I win or loose, although I do prefer if I win. I literally get the most random urge to fight someone for the hell of it. Probably has something to do with impulsive thoughts and shit, but oh well. I'm a big respect person, I live by the motto "you respect me, I'll respect you". I have blackouts sometimes due to rage and anxiety, so I try to keep myself from having them. I have a bad habit of rambling and saying sorry too much. I tend to repeatedly say sorry whilst rambling as I tend to get overly excited and loud when I ramble. I'm a very talkive person if I know and trust you. If you're around me and you don't get your ear talked off or messed with, you're probably not liked or

you need to leave. It's one easy way you'll be able to tell if I get along with you or not. I kinda have a whatever/punk/alt style, a lot of time I just grab something decent and throw it on. Although you'll always see me wearing a belt and my platform shoes. I'm 5'0, so my obsession with platforms grew because of my need to be tall. I wear a lot of baggy clothing, I'm definitely more of a comfort over style person.

Ok, my dude, I'll definitely pair you with...

Marko and Paul

Oh, man, you three are gonna be some threesome (and not necessarily in the sexual way lol)

Just imagine THE MESS

The boys think you're adorable when you get into the romantic mood and try to flirt but end up saying bad pick-up lines, so they'll laugh, but will twirl their hair as whoerish as possible and follow the game. Or they would get on with their manly act and fight to see who will flirt back better.

Now, the chatting will be so goddamn long! You three will go on 4 hour-long conversations that'll get from a "look at this new t-shirt I got" to "so that's why Ronald Reagan was an alien". The worst part is left to the spectators like David or Dwayne since none of you three will be the sane individual and shut y'all up.

The blondes like your drawing, and ask you to draw them or random stuff and people CONSTANTLY, so you'll have many opportunities to improve your skills and try with different models. When they happen to find some of your sketchbooks, they try to impress you or simply give a small present by drawing you or something you like, or at least make the attempt since some of the "fine pieces" as they call them, they give you are like children's school projects.

And, man, about the hair, are you blessed to have the glam diva Paul by your side to give advice and constructive criticism to your hair. He will help you choose the color and will give it style from time to time if you accept. The process to dye it will be so much fun, and so chaotic; experimenting with the pigments ends up with wounds caused from the bleach and the currently used wardrobe disposed later.

A thing they love about you is that you can stand up for yourself if needed, but they rather you not to, because they know you handle yourself and the others well, maybe too well for your good. Paul tries to take care of you as much as he can so there is no need for you to possibly get hurt. It was enough trying to control Marko so he didn't get involved in some stupid street fight every night at the boardwalk to now have to worry daily about you too. Marko shares the passion for the adrenaline of this and will think it is hot as hell, but he protects you as much as Paul, maybe a bit softer than him about it tho, but if you're in the middle of a fight and it starts to get worse than expected, he dead ass will force you to back off. He'll finish the business himself, sweetheart.

As for your love language, don't worry, these dorks will accept you playful pushes with joy, and they'll give you some of them too. But if you accidentally flip and fall some meters before hitting ground, you know the rule: laugh first, help second.

Oh, and you better get prepared for the bullying. You're the smallest in the group, so that leads to a constant attack as a hobbit. Marko joins the quip, but I mean, he'll get humiliated along. Let's just say Paul gives you two a hard time about it. With all the love of course.

They love to get out with you and the others and go to the boardwalk, but they try to take you out on days it is not that crowded, or in hours where a small amount of souls are having a stroll. But, if you happen to go out on a crowded night, they will keep you focused on having a good time, but just mention your getting uncomfortable and you'll be back at the cave in less than a minute.

Paul and Marko really love your style, they think it looks badass and try to match tough outfits with you from time to time. Giving you cool shirts and leather jackets with some patches on them that they think are awesome. Don't ask why some of the clothes have strange-colored stains on them tho.

They go with you to get you ears or nose pierced from the moment you three decided doing it diy style was a bad idea cuz y'all ended up with a bleeding nose and an ear infection the first time of trying it, and because there's no voice of reason in the threesome, Star and Dwayne had to give you kids a very long lecture of not doing those things by yourself.

#match-ups #Ghost #my writings #paul the lost boys #marko the lost boys #i just think u three together would be neat #the lost boys #i repeat my friend:#thank you so much for the request

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gummygowon · 4 years

Text

kitty | hitoshi shinso

word count: 2.8k

genre: fluff with the tiniest bit of angst

strangers to lovers!

warnings: mentions of a family member’s death

quirk: the ability to manipulate the weather

hitoshi shinso was on his way back to his dorm when it started to sprinkle. "just my luck." he grumbled.

he was nearing the 1-b dorm until he heard a soft whine coming from nearby. curiosity got the best of him and the indigo haired boy drifted towards the sound.

the boy ended up walking near a tree and found a small gray-white kitten whining for its owner. "what are you doing all by yourself sweetie?" he asked as he neared the small animal.

shinso slowly stuck out his hand for the kitten to smell. the kitten slowly crept her way towards the boy and he picked her up carefully.

"suki!" you cried out, the light rain shower not helping you look for your lost kitten. "suki!"

the indigo haired boy turned around with the cat in his arms which caught your attention right away.

"oh my god! there you are!" you ran towards the boy.

as you came closer, shinso recognized you from the sports festival. during the school's festival you made it quite far into the one on one fighting tournament you survived all the way to the third round, defeating tokoyami. a nice combination of tornadoes and lighting worked well in order to defeat your fellow classmate. unfortunately, you had to leave after that fight due to personal reasons so you truly didn't know where you stood among your classmates.

"is this your cat?" shinso asked in a tired voice.

"yes, i'm so sorry you had to stand here in the rain." you rambled on. "suki, you naughty girl."

hitoshi didn't know how to deal with your blabbering so he stopped you short, "it's fine, i like cats anyways."

"really?" you asked, your mood brightening instantly.

the boy nodded as he handed over your kitten. he turned around to leave but you stopped him.

"excuse me, what's your name?"

"hitoshi shinso."

"nice to you meet you, shinso. i'm y/n." you introduced yourself.

"see you around, y/n." he said suddenly.

"oh bye! and thank you for finding my cat!" you yelled after him.

as you walked away with your cat snug in your arms you whispered to her, "he's an interesting one, isn't he suki?"

your cat meowed in response.

you nodded along, "that's what i was thinking too."

----------

not even a couple days later your cat escaped your dorm again

"for fuck's sake." you cried out once you noticed your room was empty.

you quickly rushed out of the complex to see a familiar looking purple haired boy nearby.

"suki?" you yelled, once you came close to him.

shinso was sitting under a tree with your cat resting in his lap.

"oh my god, i'm so sorry again." you said, flustered. you thought the boy probably assumed you were a shitty ass owner who couldn't take care of her cat.

"it's ok." he reassured. "i think she likes me."

you chuckled, "i guess so."

you sat down near the boy since you cat was sound asleep in the boy's lap and didn't want to wake her up at the moment.

"so shinso, what class are you in?" you asked, wanting to start a conversation.

he looked up at you surprised that you even wanted to talk to him. "uh, general studies."

"really, what's your quirk?" more questions were forming in your head now.

"i can brainwash people." he answered flaty.

"that's fucking cool." your eyes sparkled at the boy.

hitoshi looked at you with another surprise look. many people assumed he was some evil person because of his quirk and the dark circles under his eyes. it had been awhile since someone marveled at his power with awe and not cower away.

"how about you?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"i can manipulate the weather." you explained, "if i get really moody though, i can change it without realizing. sometimes people tell me i changed the weather in the slightest bit but i can never tell unless it's drastic."

shinso nodded his head, taking in all the information.

"anyways, do you pour milk before the cereal?" you asked out the blue.

the boy shot a weird expression at you. well that was quite unexpected. just like the weather, i guess. he thought to himself.

you saw the look on his face and began to defend yourself, "hey don't give me that look. i know for a fact that you don't want to talk about school or some dumb shit."

"that's fair." shinso agreed. "i put the milk in after duh."

"oh you fucking normy." you huffed and leaned back on your hands for support.

"what? you put the milk first?" the purple haired boy asked, offended.

"uh, yeah." you replied as if the answer was obvious.

"what the fuck are you on?" he asked with a serious tone.

you laughed at him, "nah, i'm fucking with you. whoever does that deserves the death penalty."

"jesus christ, just because of milk?" the boy questioned, genuinely concerned for your mental health.

"yeah." you simply answered.

compared to battle you and normal you, you were like two seperate people. battle you was intimidating as hell and normal you was a good student of course in class but outside you seemed insane to others.

the two of you talked for what seemed like hours until you realized that the sun was going down and your pile of homework wasn't going to do itself.

"see ya, shinso." you called to him as you cradled your cat in your arms.

"you know what, bless your heart suki. i think i found a keeper." you thanked your kitten as you gave her a nice head rub.

----------

you ended up seeing shinso a lot, thanks to your cat running away to see him basically. but you didn't mind at all. it was refreshing to talk to someone else outside of your class.

the two of you learned a lot about one another which was great since you gained another friend thanks to your sneaky cat. shinso could handle your random ass and you could crack down his cold wall.

shinso wouldn't say it out loud but he noticed that the sun seemed to appear whenever he saw her even on cloudy days. it was like you subconsciously drove away all the clouds when you saw him.

until recently, the weather seemed darker than usual. even when the two of you would talk, hitoshi noticed that you seemed to get quieter each day. everytime hitoshi tried to ask what was wrong you would brush it off and blame it on your schoolwork. it got to the point where the brainwashing boy started asking the hero course students about their workload and from what everyone was saying, their load was normal as usual.

confused and slightly hurt that you wouldn't tell him what was happening, shinso decided to check up on you one day. but it was raining cats and dogs on the quick walk to the class 1-a's dorm.

he didn't know why he cared so much about what was going on but it seemed like no one else was noticing your off behavior. shinso trudged through the rain with his umbrella until he unexpectedly bumped into you.

"y/n?" he asked once he saw that you had no umbrella and was carrying your cat's cage.

as you came closer he noticed that your mascara was running down your face and your eyes were red but he couldn't tell if it was because of the rain or something else. he immediately shielded the rain away from you with his umbrella, not really caring if he got soaked.

"shinso, i need you to take care of suki for me please." you pleaded.

"ok, i will but why?" the puzzled boy asked you. he was starting to feel even more concerned for your wellbeing.

"something came up with my family and i have to leave school for a couple of days. i promise to explain later." you handed him the cage and quickly explained how to take care of your sneaky kitten.

he waved to you goodbye and watched your figure run away in the pouring rain. shinso felt a wave of regret wash over him since he felt like he should've done more for you back then or at least gave you a hug.

shinso continued the rest of his school week with a weird feeling his chest. he wouldn't admit it but he missed your presence and the warm feeling of the sun's rays on his skin. he missed your bright smile and contagious laugh.

even his classmates caught onto his sad aura but he just brushed them off saying he barely slept that night.

your cat was probably the only thing keeping him happy at this point. he would play with suki after he finished homework.

"suki, do you know what happened with y/n?" he asked the kitten as he rubbed her belly.

suki just meowed in response.

"yeah, i figured you wouldn't know."

just then your cat scratched shinso, "ow, i didn't mean it like that suki."

----------

when you came back to school, the first thing you did was go get your cat back or in other words, see hitoshi shinso. but you didn't dare admit it out loud.

there was a heavy feeling in your heart that you didn't want to talk about because if you talked about it you would start bawling your eyes out. you realized that if you went to go pick up your cat straight away shinso would probably ask what's wrong and you weren't really in the mood to talk at all. hell, you probably should just let the boy keep the cat. he was probably a better owner than you. suki would always run to him and probably spent more time with him than you ever did since you brought her to your dorm.

you stalled picking up your cat and sat down at the tree where you and shinso always talked at. you curled up at the base of the tree and just let your emotions run free.

it began pouring straight away and you didn't even notice that you were completely drenched. it felt nice to cry and have your tears be washed away with rain.

"y/n?" a familiar voice called out.

you turned your head to where the voice was coming from to see shinso standing there with his umbrella.

"y/n, oh my god what are you doing here?" he asked, worryingly.

you just shrugged.

the boy quickly pulled you to your feet and wrapped his school blazer around you. he walked you back to his dorm with an arm wrapped around your back.

shinso had so many questions forming in his mind, that he couldn't speak. out of all the times he's seen you, he has never seen you this quiet and drained before.

once the two of you reached the porch of his dorm you grabbed his wrist, preventing him from walking in.

"what's wrong?" he quickly asked.

you didn't say anything but instead pulled shinso into a hug and just started crying all over again.

the boy did his best to soothe you with his words even though he comforting people wasn't his forte.

after you finally managed to control your breathing you sat down with your head resting on shinso's shoulder. "my favorite aunt died last week. so that's why i had to leave school."

"i'm sorry, y/n. she must have been a great person." hitoshi comforted you as he rubbed your shoulder in a calming manner.

"she was." you smiled sadly. "she was the only person in my family who had such a similar quirk to me. we bonded over that along with other stupid stuff."

"if you don't mind me asking, how did she die? if you don't want to talk about it, it's fine." the purpled haired boy asked, carefully. he didn't want to make you feel worse or bring up any sad memories.

"it's alright shinso." you sniffed. "she died of brain cancer. that's why i left early during the sports festival. i went to go visit her after she just got surgery. everyone told me, even my aunt told me she was getting better. they lied."

you started crying again and the rain seemed to come down even harder as if that was anymore possible. "why did they lie, shinso? she was getting better wasn't she?"

"i don't know, y/n. but from what you're telling me, your aunt was strong a woman and fought bravely. now she's in a better place."

you nodded your head.

"come on, let's go inside. i'll make you tea while you can rest in my bed." shinso helped you up and wrapped his arm around your waist.

you were too tired to even argue against him so you let him lead you away into his dorm.

all shinso's classmates shot him weird looks but were all sent back with a glare. no one questioned the two of you as you made your way into the elevator.

the two of you arrived at his dorm that was the very top of the building and he escorted you inside. shinso quickly searched through his closet for a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt. you quietly thanked him as you went to go change in his bathroom.

"i'll be right back, y/n ok?"

you nodded your head and climbed on top his bed, curling up into a ball.

once he came back to his room, he saw you fast asleep. hitoshi quietly laughed at you before he went to go tuck you into the covers. he placed the mugs of tea on his desk and carefully sat down next you with a book in his hand.

he almost knocked over the mugs of tea when you instinctively wrapped your arms around his torso.

"jesus fuck." he mumbled under his breath.

hitoshi looked back out the window to see that the rain had settled along with you. he softly smiled at you and started to comb his fingers through your h/c hair.

the boy let you sleep for what seemed like hours to you but only ending up being just one hour.

you stirred awake and rubbed your eyes, groggily. you sat up rather quickly once you noticed you weren't in your own room. your sudden abruptness gave shinso another heart attack and caused him to fall off of his own bed.

"ow." he whined.

you peered over the bed to see your friend on the floor. "where the fuck am i?"

"your in my dorm, stupid." he groaned as he rubbed his back.

"oh my god, are you okay?" you asked instantly.

"yeah, i'm just peachy." he answered sarcastically as he stood up. "but the real question is are you ok?"

"yeah, i feel better now. thanks hitoshi." you thanked him, feeling a blush spread across your cheeks.

"don't worry about it." the boy waved you off, also feeling a blush spread across his cheeks. "your tea is on my desk but i think it probably tastes like cold feet."

you laughed at his comment which caused the purple haired boy's heart to flutter just a little bit.

hitoshi's eyes quickly looked away and stared outside the window, "oh my god."

"what is it?" you asked as you quietly walk towards shinso and wrapped your arms around his torso.

"fuck." he jumped a little at your touch. "you gotta stop scaring me, y/n."

"sorry, sorry." you chuckled.

he nudged you when he realized you weren't looking outside, "look it's a rainbow."

you gasped at the ray of colors, feeling insanely better. "wow." you breathed out.

hitoshi could've sworn the rainbow got brighter once you spoke but didn't bring any attention to it whatsoever. instead he just brought you in front of him and pulled you closer.

the two of you didn't say anything until, your cat meowed.

you looked down to see your sneaky kitten, rub her face against your leg. "hi suki! did you miss me?" you cooed at the cat as you picked her up. "did mr. shinso treat you right."

the kitty just meowed for an answer.

"good, i knew he would take good care of you."

"you know y/n, if it weren't for your cat i would've never met you." shinso confessed as he stared at you.

"that's what i was saying to suki this whole time." you smiled at him and placed suki back on the floor.

you wrapped your arms again around the purple haired boy and buried your face into his chest.

"thank you." you mumbled.

"for what?"

"for existing." you simply answered.

in response you got an even tighter hug as hitoshi buried his face into your soft hair. his heart was racing but he felt at home with you in his arm. and so did you.

#bnha shinso hitoshi #mha shinsou #mha shinso #bnha shinso x reader #shinso hitoshi #shinsou imagine #my hero academia shinsou #shinsou x reader #bnha oneshots #bnha oneshot #bnha fanfiction #my hero oneshots #my hero oneshot #my hero fluff #mha fluff #mha imagines #bnha fluff #shinsou fluff #shinsou hitoshi

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rosalind-of-arden · 3 years

Text

Totally random observation from flipping through the Wolfe and Santi chapters in Smoke and Iron and Sword and Pen. This is just from skimming, so someone with searchable copies (@thegreatlibraryfangirl?) may want to verify this with more quantitative research.

In Santi’s chapters, he almost exclusively refers to Wolfe as “Wolfe” in narration. In italicized thoughts, it’s “Christopher.” In his journal, he also uses “Christopher” exclusively. In his death letter, it’s “Chris.”

Without looking back through everything to double check, I’m reasonably sure that Santi uses “Christopher” and “Chris” more or less interchangeably in dialogue in informal situations. In more formal situations, it’s “Wolfe” or “Scholar Wolfe.”

In Wolfe’s chapters, he uses “Santi” and “Nic” totally interchangeably. There doesn’t seem to be any pattern to it. There’s the occasional “Niccolo Santi” thrown in. Never just “Niccolo.” In his ephemera, he mostly uses “Nic.”

Again without going back through everything to check, I’m pretty sure Wolfe uses “Nic” exclusively in dialogue in informal situations. “Santi” or “Captain Santi” when they’re working.

So what?

A couple things to pull from this. First, it could be a sign of Santi being better at compartmentalization. We don’t get a lot of Santi POV, and in both cases, he’s on duty, in work mode. He’s thinking of Wolfe as “Wolfe” and not slipping from that at all. In Sword and Pen he even reminds himself not to get distracted by thinking about Wolfe, and distancing himself by using his partner’s last name could help do that. We get Wolfe POV in a wider variety of situations, but that doesn’t seem to make a difference for him. “Nic” and “Santi” are just two names for the person he loves and works with, not two separate facets of personality/relationship to keep separate.

I would also say that this pattern is evidence that Santi very strongly prefers “Nic” over “Niccolo.” We also see him going by “Nic” with friends like Zara. I think we may need some fic with Santi getting grumpy about being called “Niccolo.”

Whether Wolfe has a preference is a more interesting question. Santi seems to use both “Christopher” and “Chris” in private. Is Wolfe ok with both? Or is this a “only he gets to call me Chris” sort of situation? Could go either way. Or this could be yet another layer of compartmentalization for Santi. In some contexts it’s “Christopher”, in others it’s “Chris.” Going by the ephemera, “Christopher” in the journal and “Chris” in the letter allows for the interesting interpretation that Wolfe himself may prefer being called “Chris”, while Santi likes his partner’s full name. Lots of ways to go with this, really.

And, of course, there’s also the question of mental state. Santi is definitely not ok, but Wolfe’s chapters all happen during and immediately after a serious mental health crisis. Maybe Wolfe normally does think “Santi” at work and “Nic” in private, but when he’s freshly retraumatized, that distinction breaks down. He’s already strained by holding himself together enough to be functional, and he has no mental energy left for maintaining any sort of compartmentalization. Or, especially when comforting himself under stress, he needs both the intimacy of “Nic” and the security of “Santi” - he needs the whole Niccolo Santi, in fact, as evidenced by his use of Nic’s full name while imagining Nic.

Anyway, interesting character POV quirk. I’ll quit rambling.

#the great library #wolfe/santi #names #nicknames #massively overthinking trivial details

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storiesofsass · 4 years

Text

Warning: somewhat incoherent rambling

So I posted a reply to @marinaredwixi post about Obey Me.

But I don't think Solomon, Diavolo or even God himself is going to be the bad guy here.

Sure they all have a hand in the mess that's going on for their own interests and that's quite important and I have a theory about it but they aren't the ultimate villain here.

Then who is? And my answer is Lilith.

Now, why Lilith? If anything, she's been nothing but nice to us when we do interact with her, she's placed on a pedestal and from what we know of her, she's pretty great.

Now, I've spent too many sleepless nights playing MM and other otome/games but there's one thing I know and it's never to trust anything that sounds too good to be true.

All the information we have about Lilith comes from naturally biased sources. We actually know nothing about the true Lilith outside of the rose colored glasses of the brothers.

What we do know however, is that she's connected to us somehow either by ancestry or something else. (Personally, I think it's both)

She's dead and a ghost

She's kinda the reason for the war as far as we currently know. (She isn't however, the reason for Satan's birth and I stand by that. Lilith's sentence was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak or not since there's something that brothers me about a certain Devilgram's story)

Everything else just sounds way too good to be true. I've read Belphie's Hatred Devilgram too many times and during the game of Guess Who her description read too much like a Mary Sue's

Someone who can say things that could surprise Asmo, gets along with everyone.

Someone who is kind and loves humans

But also a little mischievous

I rolled my eyes so hard at it but something jumped out at me during my 100th reread of the Devilgram.

Every description given except Belphie's to a point was more or less nothing but praise.

There's nothing that they mentioned that could be a negative trait.

Not even Lucifer, everything shown was practically laden with icing and sugar.

Now within the context of the Devilgram, it makes sense, as it was a dream of a memory Belphie had while talking to MC while he was still in the attic. A happy memory of a time where he actually used to get along with Lucifer.

Now, we are going to talk about an entirely different event, I'm getting somewhere ok. I have to discuss this before I can move on to the big picture.

Belphie as we know, is an unreliable narrator, mostly because of the rose colored glasses, mostly because he's manipulative.

So the whole argument with Lucifer and how Belphie got in the attic can only be told by one other person.

Lucifer.

But he's also an unreliable narrator.

Pride isn't going to let him tell the version of the story that makes him look bad and he didn't, maybe it was because I read the Unspoken Feelings Devilgram before reaching that chapter but Belphie's behavior in both stories don't match up with each other.

In Lucifer's story, Belphie is confrontational and looking for a fight

In the Devilgram, while initially confrontational, Belphie cools off by the end.

Let's say he gets locked up in the attic the next day, he wouldn't have gone in guns blazing like that.

That isn't Belphie's personality and as we saw in the Devilgram, he wasn't in any state of rage.

He only goes into a state of rage when he believes that Lucifer betrayed him by placing Diavolo over him (Belphegor).

Now this creates an interesting plot point.

The betrayal in itself.

We know that Lucifer's loyalty is because of the deal he made with Diavolo, the reason for his response is because Diavolo could and would do much worse and his hands would honestly be tied in that situation.

For many reasons but also for an important one.

The brothers, despite all the arguments, fights etc would always put each other over everything.

After all doing so is the reason they fell from heaven.

We see this in action when Beel finds out about Belphie being in the attic. When Lucifer attacks Beelzebub, Asmodues asks Lucifer why would he intentionally hurt his brother like that while looking hurt.

Beel also sees what Lucifer did as a betrayal, as he locked up Belphie against his will and lied to everyone.

It's essentially an unwritten rule that guides them.

So what happens when one of them is clearly the bad guy?

So about Lilith.

I believe that Lilith had a hand in manipulating Belphegor.

We had seen that she could

1. Interact with the brothers in their dreams (ie. Telling Beel in his sleep to save Belphie)

2. Manipulate reality or people to a degree (whatever she did in chapter 16)

Now, we know that she has been waiting for us, she tells us that, but for how long?

If she knew that we were special, what's stopping her from knowing what could possibly happen as well and pushing for a series of events that benefits her.

Belphie, already plauged with thoughts and a very rapidly degrading mental health status, edged on by Lilith to talk to Lucifer would lash out like that.

Something else to note is that Belphie is a night owl and Lucifer is an insomniac, that conversation could have happened mere hours after the first confrontation while everyone would be dead asleep. Explains why no one heard or knew anything. And the ending of Unspoken Feelings Devilgram being a discussion between Beel and Belphie before they go to bed.

Let's think of a timeline or reality where Belphie didn't go in the attic.

For starters, he wouldn't have made a pact with us. Being attracted to us is a bit uncertain tbh.

We won't have made the bonds with the brothers that allowed us to make the pacts either, outside of Mammon.

Every pact (except Mammon) we have made was a direct cause of Belphie being in the attic.

Levi's was because we needed the CD so we could distract Lucifer to be able to head into the attic

Beel, Asmo, Satan happened because we were actively looking for pacts with the brothers so we could free Belphie

Belphie did it as a love confession and you can't convince me otherwise.

Lucifer's was because of everything that happened, you had singlehandedly repaired a lot of the damage between the relationships of the brothers, you are essentially a replacement for Lilith and his pride hates feeling left out as much as it hates feeling like he's giving up control.

You would have had a mundane year and left provided that dear ol Belphie didn't use the opportunity to show his brothers how awful humans are and make your life hell.

Lilith would have known this and would have gotten him temporarily out of the way, not only saving him from Diavolo but grooming MC to take her place.

MC is currently the new Lilith among the brothers but instead of being a cute little sister, they are the person everyone wants to fuck.

This creates a strange balance among the brothers.

Sure they are all competing for your affections but the unspoken rule among them keeps them all in check as to how far they are willing to go to get it.

Great, now MC is the one thing that brings them together, wouldn't it be funny if something were to happen to them?

Let's go to Lilith's conversation with MC.

She mentions that she had lost her path back to the Celestial Realm and implies that she wishes to go back.

We know this is a bad idea as mere moments before Levi was talking about how pissed the Celestial Realm would be if they would found out Lilith lived and MC, now her closest desendant in terms of connection would have to answer the call.

Let's go back a bit more to when Luke was staying in HoL.

How did Luke know how to find the grimmore? We never got the answer from him and I have reason to believe that Lilith is the reason.

Timeline of events is as follows, MC and Beel put Luke in the closet but he disappears, when they find him again it's because Lucifer is pissed because Luke found the Grimmore.

My theory is that when they put Luke in the closet, Lilith took him to the coffin and with it the grimmore.

I mean both just so happens to be connected to our dear ol Lilith.

Lucifer would have killed Luke if Beel and MC didn't step in thanks to Mammon.

That would lead to the Celestial Realm not being very happy about it and would definitely lead to either a power struggle or worst case scenario, all out war.

So does our current scenario with MC becoming the new Lilith and the Celestial Realm and by extension the brothers in another case oh so finding out that Lilith is alive.

Case 1. The Celestial Realm after Luke and Simeon inevitably report back to Michael about their experience in the Devildom, does their own investigation on MC and somehow finds out they're the desendant of Lilith, they'll want answers and the brothers would now be threatened by any move the Celestial Realm takes against the MC and would react to anything they consider a threat.

Case 2. MC helps Lilith get back to the Celestial Realm. Again, the Celestial Realm wants answers but this time the brothers get to know that Lilith was alive as a ghost among them for so long. Now that they have Lilith back, they aren't letting her go again not matter what anyone says. MC may or may not be shoved out of the picture except to or especially by their chosen love interest.

Either way, same thing happens. A worse case scenario of war between the two realms.

While Belphie blamed humans for what happened to Lilith, Lilith blames the Celestial Realm and wants to have her revenge.

Note in both cases, the brothers would have no reason to drag humans into it and even have more of a reason to protect humans from being collateral damage.

But Niko, wouldn't that destroy the Devildom too?

Yeah. Remember the memory Lilith keeps showing us? The one where Lucifer makes the deal with Diavolo?

Everything is framed to make it seem like a really sweet moment. But I think otherwise, mostly anyway.

It is a sweet moment that also foreshadows what Lilith is using to manipulate her brothers 'I will do anything to make you happy'

And Lilith's reason for destroying the Devildom as collateral damage.

We all know Lucifer, he hates being controlled. And despite of the cute friendship that he has with Diavolo, Diavolo has all of the control between himself and Lucifer.

Lilith wants to save her brothers. Or rather that's what she thinks she's doing.

The destruction of the Devildom to her would mean freeing them from RAD, from Diavolo.

Then they would all be happy with her or her chosen replacement in MC. Even though Diavolo's plan in having all three realms together would be the kind of thing Lilith would have loved before the war.

Though one of the main themes of the game is about moving on from tragedy.

In order for them to truly move on from Lilith, they need to shatter the rose colored glasses they have on her.

What better way to do that than for her to be the villain?

#I started writing this at 11pm and ended at 1 #Niko's crackhead theories

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shoujoaccent · 4 years

Note

can you share your thoughts on kuro and iwanaga pls 🥺

ok first, i love them, so jot that down lmao i’m just going to be rambling w/ the information i have today!! which is ep7 of the anime & vol.10 of the manga!!

the first thing i want to touch on is this recent idea that kuro is with iwanaga by force, or her persistence, or not having romantic feelings for her... and even though i can see why people have that conclusion, i feel like a big factor to that ideal has been from 1) their romance has been subtext because of the genre and the fact that their relationship is established, and 2) the fact that kuro’s character, especially in the anime, is flat and often misconstrued... when he both has valid reasons for his characterization and has proven that he genuinely cares for her, her well-being, and their relationship.

again!! i must repeat!! they are together in an established romantic relationship. this is not a budding romance, so we’re not going to get a lot of moments of them realizing their feelings/etc. he may have moments where he’s not prioritizing her, but he always makes up for it, and shows that he goes out of his way to make her happy. yes, he teases her relentlessly, and yes, he says he’s going to break up with her..... but literally all of his actions indicates his care.

also, the second thing i want to touch upon is that kuro and kotoko’s relationship is complicated because individually, they are complicated themselves. kuro’s lack of attachment can be explained away with the abuse of his grandmother, his strange relationship with rikka, and the fact that he’s immortal (like, why is he going to get legally married when he’ll never have a death certificate?). kotoko flirts, sure, but she’s distant herself. she’s shown that she has no hesitation of bending ethics to uphold the natural order, and that her job will always become before everything, even her health. before kuro, she’s described to being to herself and rare to any emotional outburst. nonetheless, she’s still a rich, protected daughter that was found dismembered... like she has her own rich backstory that doesn’t go away just bc she talks about being horny 24/7 lol

ok more things under the cut bc of spoilers and i cant be vague anymore:

THIRD THING!! another thing that gets brought about kuro’s feelings and it’s the fact that he has feelings for his cousin and saki still. therefore, his relationship with kotoko is strictly platonic... but that’s... that’s just not the case. i need to break this down into parts bc WHEW I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS

FIRST, if kuro has feelings for rikka, then there should have been no problem for them to be together. in the recent volume (10), she literally states that he was supposed to be hers... but what eventually ended up happening is the fact that kuro did get closer with kotoko.

and see, the thing with that is..... if kuro has had nothing but feelings for rikka, then his relationship with saki wouldn’t have happened in the first place either. not to sound pro-inc*st, but they are immortal beings and the last of their family line. there’s literally nothing stopping them besides kuro not wanting to pursue a romantic relationship with rikka... and he didn’t. he got engaged to saki instead.

kuro has also stated that rikka was only in the hospital because she wanted to be mortal again, aka she wanted to die... but why? there’s events that we’re missing and won’t get to see into later down the line. regardless, it’s safe to say that kuro loves rikka to his full capacity as family and as someone who shared his same horrid past, but he doesn’t love her more than that. (he also said she was a monster beforehand anyway so.... idk, maybe that has something to do with that LOL.)

but that also brings us to the next thing: why saki?

it’s been clear that he dates saki because she looked like rikka. they were together to the point of engagement and talks of marriage, but nothing came into fruition bc he’s an immortal that scares off spectres.

but thats the thing too, their relationship would’ve never worked bc 1) he was always hiding the fact on who he was, and 2) again, he is immortal. maybe she was his attempt to be normal, but kuro’s very aware of his situation at all times. i don’t doubt he loved saki, but a lot of his residual feelings from the lady steel arc indicate guilt rather than lingering feelings.

and of course, he feels freaking guilty!!! he lied to her about his condition, and then scared her to the point where she couldn’t even eat certain meats. that’s a heavy burden to be at fault for. (luckily, they do resolve this and apologize to each other!! but that’s the thing too: be the end of lady steel, they aren’t letting go of their feelings. they’ve been aware that their relationship was over for a long time and that they both moved on. there were just some leftover wounds.)

AND AHHH!!!! i think its also to point out the fact that rikka approved saki (aka her clone), but she never approved kotoko. rikka said that she thought she could wait for kuro to get tired of kotoko, but he never did. that’s why kotoko became a bigger threat than she already was. not only was she an indicator that kuro wasn’t looking for rikka in people, but because his feelings for kotoko are genuine. it drives rikka to the point of insanity bc she literally is trying to create something to kill a god.

so to summarize: kuro loves rikka, but only as family. kuro dates saki bc she reminded him of rikka (aka probably the only he did know in his fucked up childhood), but it doesn’t work out bc he’s immortal anyway. kuro dates and ends up having actual feelings for kotoko, which brings us to the present and why rikka feels threatened to the point of violence.

GOT IT!!!

also, since we’re nearing the end, there’s something also interesting about kuro and kotoko’s relationship that i’ve thought about since their christmas chapter. kuro is a broke college student. kotoko is an heiress. they’re constantly going on trips and dates, but for the most part, kuro is going out of his way to treat kotoko. he’s thankful for her parents for taking in rikka, but there’s not a plot about him being indebted to her/etc... and i’ve been thinking about this since the christmas chapter bc he chose to work at his part-time job than spend it with her. at first, it’s easy to be upset about it...... but again, kuro’s a broke college student. of course, he needs to work a lot. he not only has school, bills, and groceries, but he’s trying to accommodate kotoko to a lifestyle where she’s happiest in (like a goOD BOYFRIEND) and it makes me wanna cry ok

in conclusion, i just think it’s dumb to act like these two aren’t together or that they don’t have feelings for each other. it’s there. in fact, it’s probably the only constant/consistent thing in a story with a lot of moving parts. they both lead incredibly complicated lives, but they’re there for each other.

i won’t lie, kuro talks a lot of shit lmao, but i don’t get how that’s different from kotoko being overly sexual/vulgar when she doesn’t mean it either. kuro literally told her that he needs her and her response was telling him to not think he’s hot shit lololol. i get also bc kotoko’s overtly sexual (and lbr, attracts a lot of lolicons), so if she’s not being praised/not being treated like a princess by kuro, then that makes him a worse boyfriend... but he doesn’t treat her poorly. hell, that pinocchio proved that she really takes for granted that he dies a lot of her sometimes to the point with other spectres (aka the things that want to see kuro die LOL) think she (aka their god that they praise 24/7) is harsh.

but that’s what being in a relationship too is. you’re not going to appreciate someone at all hours of the day, but the point is, you have to be constantly taking care of each other, even when you don’t want to. kuro and kotoko are constantly taking care of each other, and thinking of each other’s well-being first and foremost. they might bicker, but that’s a fact that’s always acknowledged by everyone around them, despite initial opinions.

and tbh, i feel like kuro also feels a lot of guilt for rikka. maybe not for returning her feelings, but because his happiness with another person (kotoko) was the catalyst of her running away and causing havoc. i think that adds another layer to his distance with kotoko, but it doesn’t mean he has feelings for her romantically. what i really appreciate about the story is the fact that as simple as things are presented, there’s always a complex reason/backstory for it. there’s never a single moving part for anything. there’s plenty of motives and reasons.

#SUPER LONG ok u been warned #in/spectre #kyokou suiri #talk to me!#kyosuiri posts

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the-sunshine-dims · 4 years

Text

Chapter 4: amnesia; Virgil

ok chapter 4! virgil and deceit! bonding! deceit internally comparing virgil to an older brother!

amnesia taglist: @fandima @bunny222

[1] [2] [3] [^] [5] [6]

words: 1111

Summary: deceit gets amnesia, the others realize how much they had assumed about this side, and how much information they discarded, they thought this dork who likes making flower crowns and will lie if it’s necessary or too save someone’s feelings, was this evil villain who’s only job was to hurt thomas, and deceit without memory of all of this helps the others feel less guilty, they know they can’t fully be forgiven though,

~*warnings*~ hurt/comfort, angst, amnesia, guilt, bomb mention, being close to tears, mention of virgil and deceit being mean to each other, self doubt, cursing,

ao3 link

characters this chapter: deceit, virgil, remus, roman, patton (mention), logan (mentioned),

all characters that appear in this series: deceit, roman, logan, remus, patton, virgil, king creativity (mentioned)

____________

Roman exhaled as he finished explaining the deceit situation to Remus and Virgil, “any questions?”

No one said anything and Virgil just shrugged so Roman counted that as a victory, he was absolutely dreadful at answering questions anyway,

Remus hummed in thought, before speaking up, his tone more serious than either of them had ever heard it, “ok, if this is the case, then I’m gonna try my best to avoid him, he has a lot to deal with, even if he doesn’t remember a couple traumatic things that happened, i don’t think he could handle it if my thought got too loud and decided to voice themselves, plus according to you-“ he vaguely gestured at Roman -“he started sobbing the moment he realized king dude wasn’t around, so unless dee specifically asks for me which I very much doubt he will since he has a lot on his plate, I will be hanging out in the dark commons for the majority of the time,”

Roman nodded “I think that might be wize, we don’t want to accidentally overwhelm or overstimulate him,” he smiled proudly at Remus, proud of how good of a person and friend his brother was, “your a good friend, to worry about his mental health so much even if you uboubtadly want to see him,”

Remus just rolled his eyes, he was just being a decent human being, i mean he knows deceit will get overwhelmed and he doesn't want to hurt him,

roman continued to talk to remus for a bit, they hadn’t realized that Virgil had slipped away, not offering a word as to why,

———-

Deceit walked down the corridor, hands on the walls feeling the textures, every now and then the paint changed into a different color, he would guess it was Patton’s and romans doing since it often went from soft blues to vibrant reds, making small breaks to show swirly designs in the others favorite colors, he likes to feel how the different paint changes the texture, even ever so slightly-

Fuck

He reeled back quickly, as soon as he realized he had just run into someone, the side quickly turned around to face deceit,

“I’m sorry- sorry- sorry- I’m super sorry!” He rushed out the words, Virgil just made a small thumbs up to show it’s ok in response and deceit visibly brightened and beamed when he noticed who the side was, “ohh! Anxiety! Anxiety! I remember you! Though you had a different jacket.,. Though this one is super cool! The purple is super cool and oh! Morality and Logic have names! Isn’t that cool? Do you have a name too?” He asked only receiving a shrug in response much to his dismay, though he just shook it off and continued to ramble as Virgil stayed quiet, eventually they started to continue to walk as deceit rambled,

By the time Virgil had realized it was quiet he had gotten used to the rambling, he looked over to see deceit, he was staring at the ground as he walked, he noticed Virgil looking and lifted his head to look at him,

“I’m sorry,” he said in a hushed voice, he didn’t know what he did but if anxiety was so silent he had to have done something to make him uncomfortable, “i'm sorry if I did something bad- or I was mean- was I mean to you? I’m so sorry-“ he had cut himself off for a moment, he knew he would start crying if he had to continue that second, and he didn’t want to break down while apologizing, he was certain he was the one at fault after all, he took a shaky breath “I know I lost my memory, and I know- I know if I was mean I can’t just up and change the past but… if I was mean to you I’m so sorry and you don’t have to be nice to me! And-“ he was cut by Virgil quickly pulling him into a loose hug, typically virgil wasn't much for touch but deceit needed a hug, virgil knew from experience how much he needed touch to ground him right now,

Deceit immediately quieted down from his apologetic rant, fighting off tears, he hated how easily he was on the brink of tears, as soon as Virgil wrapped his arms around him deceit held onto him like a lifeline, trying to convince himself that this hug was to comfort Virgil, Virgil just took a deep breath and sighed, oh he had messed up, so much, sure deceit had been mean to him but he had been mean too and now this mentally a teenager is close to tears because he didn’t make much of an effort to even listen to him, i mean talking is one thing, but flatout ignoring him wasn't nice, or good for anyone's mental health,

Deceit exhaled and melted into the hug, “deceit, i’m sorry, I know how awful it is when people don’t listen, it hurts, I’m sorry,” Virgil hugged tighter, he knew how awful it felt when people don’t hear you, and especially when your talking about stuff your really interested in, and then this kid thought it was all his fault,

Deceit gave a shaky laugh “we’re just two sorry souls, In a hallway,”

Virgil laughed as he pulled himself out of the hug, an arm still lingering in a half hug, “forgiven?” He gave a strained smile

deceit grinned, internally comparing Virgil to an older brother, “all is forgiven! Now… Do you know anything interesting to do? I’m bored,”

Virgil laughed at deceits short attention span, “music mood or movie mood? Or if neither then I have no ideas, and your screwed,”

Deceit hummed “I like music!” He said after a moment, smiling happily

Virgil gave another small laugh “ok then I hope you like edgy music, because otherwise you're totally fucked,”

Deceit barely contained a giggle, “don’t worry I like cool music,” he pretended that he didn’t just throw a bit of shade, but it was so worth it when it got a surprised laugh in return,

Later Logan had to ask them to quiet down because he needed to work and he was almost certain that they were gonna damage their eardrums since they could all hear the loud shouts of “teenagers scare the living shit outta me” from the kitchen, though even if he failed at getting them to turn it down he was happy they were getting along, though he was pretty sure they were both bad influences for one another, he was sure he saw a bomb in virgil's room before he left,

#ts virgil #ts roman #ts deceit #ts remus #roman sanders #remus sanders #deceit sanders #virgil sanders #amnesia tw #amnesia series #the cold one writes #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #ts logan #ts patton

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youeverfeelcursed · 4 years

Text

On the Narrative of Last of Us Part 2 (3/3)

So this should be the last part on the narrative but I’ll probably post more thoughts on characters, representation, maybe on some details of the gameplay that just made me wish I could design something like this and most likely a text on where do I think this franchise is going to.

I will also check and fix the previous posts as I know there’s typos and some mismatched data and maybe some timelines confusing. Logically, it comes with posting at my 3am and working from memory and not notes.

That said, lets just move onto what I hope is interesting enough for people to read these old woman’s ramblings. For anyone still reading, thank you very much for your attention, it’s been a while since I truly enjoyed analizing an art piece.

(Note: I’m marking this post for rechecking as I feel its a bit convoluted. I blame it being 4am.)

We ended the previous Act 3 (Abby’s Act) with a overhead shot (or aerial if you prefer) of Ellie and Dina on different sides of the shot, close but separated with Ellie being bathed by a red light and both represented in a descending oblique line from Dina to Ellie.

I find it a wonderful shot that represents Ellie’s story in few and simple details.

(For those interested, the name in the screenshot is from MkIceAndFire a No commentary channel I follow, go check him out!)

From here, we jump to what I called the respise intermission, a short part but full of important details for the understanding of the next and final act.

Like a moth to the flame, or how living sometimes is harder than dying.

The next part of Ellie’s story is as bittersweet as the best coffee you’ll ever have. We find her reminiscencing over Joel’s watch on hers and Dina’s bedroom. Putting it away we get to finally hold in our arms the cutest potatoe I’ve ever seen: JJ! Jesus that child is cute. And it’s obvious that Ellie loves him with all her heart.

During this time we get to explore the beautiful they both probably restored to live in, in which it specially caught my attention how Ellie surprinsingly gets a full room for herself, whereas Dina seems to have a small space in the living room , where the photo of her sister sits.

I loved this part so much but I could feel that something was wrong, and it is. If we read Ellie’s diary we find out that she’s having trouble sleeping and dealing with people, needing to hide and what’s most likely profound PTSD thats later shown with her breaking down after herding all the sheep.

A detail that I found important is the fact that she breaks down while having JJ in her arms, which has to be removed by Dina in case she hurts him during her seizure. Because remember that for Ellie protecting those she cares for is very important, so, does she feel she can protect them now?

Stop for a minute and think of how hard is for nowadays soldier to treat PTSD even with psychological support and meds, and how many of those war survivors end commiting suicide anyway. Now imagine that same in a world where violence is constant - yes they live peacefully in the farm but do you really think they don’t have to deal with any straggler? - and there’s basically zero to none mental health support.

Thats where it is important to pay attention to the moment when Ellie is coming back from hunting, how she cleans her face and takes a deep breath and puts her mask on - an obvious referal to her words in her diary - just before going back to Dina and JJ.

I mean this is not the face of a person fully happy, its the face of a person thats putting her best front but catastrophically failing her inner battle.

Tommy’s visit manages to break any remainer of the mask she tried to maintain so hard. It is obvious how while he tells her how he found information about Abby that with every word she breaks a little bit more. The trembling, tight shut lips and her open wide eyes that look as hopeful as they look lost.

If this were another world, one in which I believe Ellie could get help, I would have hated that she left. But she says it herself, she doesn’t sleep, she doesn’t eat, she has a full room for herself so she can have space and even so she leaves for long times alone. She’s not really living, she’s riding the waves as they come but never truly enjoying it because by now her trauma is so deep I would have been surprised that she stayed.

Because when Tommy talks about Abby, she feels a light, a hope of being able to just pour all of this shit out of her. Abby is not even important anymore, shes just a barrier for Ellie for her own liberation from her demons. Or thats what she thinks.

She truly does JJ and Dina, but she’s completely broken inside. She’s missing pieces and for her, this is a chance of regaining them. It’s not even about vengeance anymore, it’s about rest. An end. Closure.

What comes around, goes around. Or how Santa Barbara was the so needed eye opening.

I was truly happy to see Abby and Lev being kind of silly and well, happy. They are the example of how you can heal when you learn to forgive both yourself and others. A extreme image compared to what we’ll see from Abby next time.

Fast-forward to Ellie after leaving the Rattlers village. Look at Ellie, she’s slightly delirious - Abby, Abby, Abby, Abby... - completely battered, skinny, with a fucked up side, half limping and pulling through out of sheer desesperation. She needs to do this, because if she doesn’t everything she left behind - Dina, JJ, Jackson - will be for nothing. She says it herself in her diary, she cannot think of that.

And it’s funny. It’s funny there she goes. She helps Abby down and follows both of them to two small boats where she makes a scranny and completely eaten up Abby battle with her in exchange of not hurting Lev.

The battle is sad. Abby contrary to Ellie had started healing so she didn’t want to battle. But it’s sad, these two beautiful human beings battling against each other as shadows of what they used to be, eaten away by life, hate and stupid decisions. You just feel like being over it because by this point it just feels completely stupid to keep warring.

And there, Ellie doesn’t kill Abby. We get a flashback of Joel playing the guitar that stops her from killing her.

And it’s funny, it’s funny because without Ellie both Lev and Abby would be rotting in those pillars. She left her home to kill a woman and ends saving both their lives! Why would she do that?

We end this Act 4 with Ellie alone, watching the last remains of her flame disappear into the nothing. Rock bottom. You cannot go down further. That’s what it means. She left her family, Tommy is crippled and kind of hates her, Jesse is death, Joel is death, Ryley is death.

And yet she left Abby leave. But why?

The answer to all this crazyness is in the last flashback of her and Joel and a few words that are thrown into the night.

“I was supposed to die in that hospital. My life would’ve fucking mattered. But you took it from me!”

Purpose.

Yes, purpose. A meaning to her life. A meaning that has been ripped from her hands multiples times in situations out of her control. Is this what she really wants? Her life to revolve around vengeance? Is this what she’s choosing?

So for once, she decides for herself and she decides that no. She doesn’t want that path. It’s not enough anymore.

Ellie was supposed to die with Riley, but she survived and found out that’s she’s immune.

Ellie traveled from one side to another of USA to be the solution to humanity’s problem. To help create a vaccine, whatever the cost. She was ready for it, she was ok with it. But it was ripped from her and lied about it multiple times.

Imagine thinking you’re immune but that it means absolutely nothing. After getting yourself mentally ready for whatever it would happen, you are told that you’re useless. That you cannot help. That you’re worthless.

Worthless.

She ends in Jackson, And learns she’s been betrayed by the person she trusted most, that she could have meant something instead of just living taking care of cows and patrolling.

It was impossible for Ellie to remain the same even before Joel’s death. Because Ellie is a very complicated character made of survivor guilt, a need to have a purpose in life, too many personal loses and self hating. Not only that, but all of this happens during her adolescence, a time which is hard to deal already without all these traumas piling up.

Joel’s killing is what makes the bomb explode. Suddenly she can do something, she can leave Jackson and she can revenge him. Again, purpose. She can feel alive because she’s got finally a direction. It’s just not the correct one, because we all know that hate is a terrible guide but for her, is the only guide amids the fog.

Ellie is a character that has been lost from the moment she learned she could have helped humanity. Chasing Abby was literally the easy path to take to give some meaning to her life.

When she was with her family at the ranch, I truly believe she wanted her purpose to be to protect her family, but it was something impossible for her to do in her condition. She tried hard, but she couldn’t do it. Her diary again sheds some light on these, on how she feels she has nothing else to give to them.

We know that, if Joel hadn’t been killed, she could have healed given enough time. She could have forgotten him. She could have find a motivation in Jackson. But there’s so much you can push something until it completely breaks.

I think that, at the end of the game, when she walks from the ranch she realizes she cannot keep going like this. That if she wants her life to mean something, she has to do it herself instead of just waiting for it to happen. And I feel I know which way she will take next and why.

Although the ending might seem sad, I found it strangely positive. The circle comes to a end, the guitar that Joel cleaned in the first seconds of the game, is put down by an Ellie lacking two of her left hand fingers impossible, to play it again that way. It is an act of moving on, but not of forgetting.

Of finally attaining peace of mind, and the chance of recovering herself.

#the last of us 2 #the last of us II #the last of us part 2 #tlou #tlou part 2 #tlou 2 #the last of us 2 narrative #the last of us 2 analysis

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fallingfromdepression · 3 years

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12/6/2020

this is gonna be less about school and more me rambling about my mental health and where i am rn in life. i got triggered earlier and i’m hoping i’ll feel better once i write it all out so then i can hopefully get my mind focused back on trying to do this final assignment due tmr evening that i’ve barely started so that’s what the stakes are. put under a cut bc it’s detailing quite a bit of some of my personal life

so i bought a surprise box from an indie artist that ended up being around $30 total with shipping (not too bad since the box is supposed to include at least $50 worth of merch). i haven’t had a lot of misc purchases ever since i came back home, or at least i’m definitely spending less than i did when i was at school, and i generally like all of this artist’s merch so i thought it was a decent expense. unfortunately i did have to buy it today when i am technically supposed to be working on finals and etc but it didn’t take much time since i was notified abt the restock yesterday and i preferred to buy sooner rather than later (i.e. after all my finals are finished) esp from small businesses that have a limited stock. but since my parent is intimately involved with my finances, they saw the purchase asap and kind of interrogated me abt it esp since it’s not a purchase from amazon or a bigger business.

now the context that makes that latter part more meaningful: about this time last yr, i had a situation where i tried to buy an anime merch through a proxy on twitter. this proxy didn’t have an actual website so i was buying through DMs. when i paid the proxy in advance, this same parent saw the purchase and asked me abt it and checked up on the process without asking for any further info. i made the grave mistake (in hindsight) of being honest and telling them i still hadn’t received the purchase months after i had paid them so then this whole shitshow ensued where my parent was convinced the proxy was conning me (the proxy had proxied merch for other ppl before based on their facebook proxy page) and had me cancel the proxy which the proxy thankfully agreed to except they still wanted some payment since they had still gone through the effort to get the merch supposedly (the wait was due to them not shipping the good out yet) so they said they were only going to refund part of the payment. yet again i told my parent abt this partial refund and that further convinced my parent the proxy was conning me (out of $3) so they were like no absolutely no payment to the proxy. lucky for the proxy, around the time i was refunding the payment i had left home and gone back to school so i told them to refund the full amt and i’d pay them separately so i could pretend this $3 payment was for something else i was buying physically. and very very lucky for me the proxy was understanding and refunded the full amt so it looked like i got everything back and i paid them separately through another app. the thing is i was expecting the proxy to take a while bc i had seen on other twitter accounts that proxied merch through individuals tended to take a while, and it had been abt 2ish months since i made the payment. i understand the concern my parent had esp since they are not familiar with online informal dealings, but the thing is ever since this fiasco my parent has assumed everything i buy from a small business (aka anything they don’t recognize) is me getting conned again.

to a degree i understanding and appreciate the concern, but i’m frustrated bc even with that proxy payment i literally cried that night out of anxiety and concern bc i knew there was a chance i could get conned and i had spent days being like ‘should i do it. oh god idk should i. but i’ve checked up on this proxy through any means possible and they seem ok enough...’ so it’s not like i’m like naive af and being like ‘tee hee con me !!’ like i understand the risk and was willing to do it (and to this day i still believe i would have gotten the merch albeit much later than expected). and my age is considered adult age pretty much internationally so it’s not like i’m a naive af 8yo who doesn’t know the dangers of the internet. yes i haven’t made much online purchases but i’m aware of the scams and try to make sure i’m buying from a trusted seller and if it’s worth it for the price. but i hate having to be so concerned abt my spending habits and whether the package will get here in time before my parent cancels the order out of fear of me being conned “again” at my age. i’ll admit i don’t have a stable job yet but it’s not like i’m spending money every week or even every month. if i wasn’t at home i would be less concerned bc the shipment isn’t going to my home address so the parent can’t scrutinize it but bc it is now, my spending is put under more scrutiny.

anyway my parent’s low-key interrogation shook up my mental state as expected and i had to take a bit to unload on my sibling and cry a little. i know if i wasn’t at home this wouldn’t affect me as much but bc i’m at home and having to deal with it in person instead of over text or a phone call... and the damn pandemic isn’t ending anytime soon so i’m going to have to stay at home for the indefinite future. it’s not like i have a ton of shit i want to buy but i don’t want to have to deal with this trigger every few months (last purchase was back in maybe september or so towards a book publishing kickstarter which i guess bc it was only $15 my parent didn’t kick up too much of a fuss abt since technically i still don’t have the ebook i paid for). i’m not purchasing any christmas presents for friends or anyone so i don’t have that as a cover or anything. but the thing is even once i leave home i have little confidence i’ll be able to be independent and my sibling told me it’ll take a few years for me to get a grasp on things but idk. it just feels so far away in the future and i can’t envision my present self with no motivation or willpower to do it even though i mean when push comes to shove i’ll get it done i suppose. i know the rational outsider’s answer would be ‘well why don’t you start working on that better future self now?’ and i’m like great fucking suggestion and i have nothing to argue against that. i just literally cannot envision my future at this point, even if i act on my vague dream of doing art as a job. maybe once i fucking finish these finals and this quarter i’ll be able to think more clearly but idk. as i said in my last post, i really need to consider seeing a therapist bc being at home and having to handle being under my parents’ control again is really doing a number on me esp as essentially a NEET (partially false since i’m still in edu but i really do be feeling like that since i feel so useless and dependent on my parents at my age when i know others my age are slightly more independent).

i feel like this ended up me rambling about essentially the same things i ramble abt whenever i talk abt my mental health the past few years and idk how much this actually helped unload the burden on my mental state. i just wish i didn’t have to have this trigger bc i would’ve just made the purchase and then not think much abt it until i receive the package. but now i have to have this concern for the future on top of the fucking deadlines i have in the next 2 days.

#diary

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kaerinio-a · 4 years

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@aegisregalis wrote: 8, 9, 18, 21, 23 get to know my character // accepting

8. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it?

Daenerys has many flaws. I could go on and on about how she internalizes prophecy, had to force herself to break away from being reliant on singular sources of information ( which is something that was nurtured into her through her time with Viserys ), her comparisons to her dragons ( which is a total double edged sword like ok dany you can, in fact, get sick because you are a human, like GIRL. ) I think I’m going to discuss how her compassion is both one of her greatest strengths, as well as one of her greatest flaws, specifically the GUILT DRIVEN BY COMPASSION. Bear with me and prepare for the ramble of a lifetime.

One of the most endearing things about Daenerys is the fact that she is incredibly compassionate; however, I believe that this compassion places her into situations that essentially trap her into GUILT. Let’s take the example of Slaver’s Bay. Upon seeing the conditions of Astapor, seeing the horrific effects of slavery, Daenerys unleashes her newly acquired Unsullied onto the city, as well as her dragons, tells her Unsullied to free every person in chains, and orders every person with a tokar to be slain. She leaves a council to rule, but that doesn’t last long. Her campaign moves to Yunkai where she defeats Yunkish forces, frees slaves in return for Yunkai to continue governing itself, then moves on to Meereen. Now, we are unsure of what befalls Daenerys after she is found by Khal Jhaqo in ADWD, but from what Ser Barristan offers us in some of his chapters is that shit is crazy — — — and by the time she gets back, there’s going to be a crazy battle.

Daenerys’ attempt to abolish slavery in Slaver’s Bay is a heroic task to undertake, yes, and it is incredibly admirable for her to TRY. This is especially true since she is attempting to break up a network of centuries old traditions where human subjugation is the norm. We see time and time again how much all of this weighs on her. When Astapor falls while she is in Meereen and thousands of people, mostly freed slaves, come to seek her aid, she feels guilty for not being able to come when their ruler sent for help. She could not go, however, because Meereen is hanging in the balance during this time. Daenerys knows she could not go, but she feels guilty anyways, and it weighs upon her. She ruminates about how she should have gone to Astapor, how she should have KNOWN that it would fall, how she should have anticipated that HER CHILDREN would need her during such a horrific time. The guilt drives her to put herself at risk when she rides out to the Astapori camp to see the effects of the pale mare/bloody flux. With her own city under siege, she considers using the stores they have to feed the hungry and sick. She actually argues with members of her council for a while before letting the idea go. She also, on multiple occasions, questions if it really and truly would be so bad if they allowed the Astapori to take refuge within the city walls. During one of the conversations, Daenerys has to essentially stop herself from crying when Barristan tells her that they cannot let them into Meereen. She goes through multiple measures in an attempt to try and SAVE the Astapori people who have come to her for safety...all at the risk of her health and that of the people within her walls. Because she feels GUILTY.

Another piece of compassion that drives guilt is Daenerys’ forceful position that she must stay in Meereen. She feels like she MUST stay in order to establish stability to the system that she crushed, that she must provide safety to those she has freed. Even when offered the chance to take thirteen ships, gifted by Xaro Xhoan Daxos, on the condition that she leave Slaver’s Bay and allow the slave trade to continue on, she declines. She could, in essence, take those ships and go to Westeros to begin her campaign there; however, she refuses the so-called gift. On multiple occasions, Daenerys is counseled to sail to Westeros, to leave Meereen behind, but she refuses. Her claim for staying always incorporates needing to bring peace to Meereen. She even takes a nobleman, someone who would not be accepted as a king in Westeros, as her husband in order to establish peace. This peace, of course, means that she must also submit to Yunkai’s desire to trade slaves, allow Astapor to be built as a slaving city, and open the fighting pits of Meereen. Essentially, she has to sacrifice what she has worked to eradicate. She is told not to interfere, but as we know from the chapters released for TWOW, Yunkai is still attacking Meereen after the so-called “peace treaty” was sealed at her wedding. Anyways, Daenerys is DESPERATE to alleviate some of the GUILT, as we see in her willingness to take part in the marriage and peace treaty to begin with.

I would also argue that this GUILT echoes itself in the amount of times that she references Eroeh, a girl that Daenerys tried to save once, who suffers a terrible fate. Anyone who wishes to look this up, please proceed with caution, as there is triggering content related to murder and sexual assault in the case of Eroeh. Daenerys continues to feel guilty about Eroeh’s fate because she feels that her interference in trying to save Eroeh only made her fate worse, and, at times, Daenerys reflects on this in comparison to her interference in Slaver’s Bay.

After the death of Hazzea, Daenerys has her dragons locked up. Drogon escapes. But . . . the dragons probably would have helped to secure more power and potentially alleviate some of the pressures placed on her when Yunkai begins to march towards Meereen, along with the other Free Cities enemies she has made. Her decision not to unleash her dragons is, of course, linked to the GUILT she feels over Hazzea’s death. Which, I do not blame Daenerys?? She was afraid of her dragons’ capabilities, and after that happens, it’s hard not to feel guilty????? Anyways, she fears what her dragons could do if she unleashed them, especially since she doubts her ability to control them in ADWD.

ESSENTIALLY (AKA THE TLDR BC DAMN THIS IS LONG) . . . ONE of the things I love about Daenerys is that she is so deeply compassionate about people. She wants to save people. She does not want for anyone to suffer as she has, for she has known starvation, terror, and what it means to be sold. In the voiceless, Daenerys sees who she was. If Dany is going to be Queen of Westeros, she is going to have to choose her battles. She cannot save everyone, and she cannot allow the GUILT and PAIN to weigh upon her so heavily. She constantly reminds herself that if she looks back, she is lost, but I would argue that GUILT continues to touch her, and it affects the way she reacts to certain situations.

9. Do they have a favorite season? What about a favorite holiday?

Summer! Daenerys loves the heat and the glow that summer brings. She was also technically born in summer in canon! Interestingly enough, Daenerys makes no mention of holidays in canon, which is so sad. I would say that once she learns of sevenmas, a Christmas Westerosi equivalent, she would greatly enjoy it. She would spend much of Sevenmas visiting orphans and the poor, bringing food and gifts, so that they know they aren’t forgotten and that their queen loves them.

In Modern-based AUs, I believe that her favorite holiday would also be Christmas because that means that she gets to buy gifts for her loved ones and friends, and she also spends time in service to the community.

18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode?

Daenerys feels LONELY in spaces like the Great Pyramid, and I believe that she would feel quite lonely in the Red Keep, as well, especially surrounded by the honeyed words of court dwellers. If Daenerys could dream up a home, the home she would want to live in is the home of her youth — — — the house with the red door and the lemon tree. It is one of the few places where she has experienced true peace and happiness. It is a place where she felt loved and cared for, and when she was thrown out by the servants, she cried. She was heartbroken. Thus, she would want that big home in Braavos.

21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear?

Daenerys fears betrayal by those close to her, and a part of this stems from her sense of loneliness in the world. Already, groundwork has been laid for her to fear betrayal through prophecy. But, when Jorah betrays her, she becomes even more fearful and paranoid of those around her. When prophecy comes to her mind or something reminds her of the three betrayals, she will look at someone askance, wondering if they are her next betrayal. When someone close to her betrays her, what she does with them differs. She may have them executed, depending on who they are; she may have them locked away, so that she may think of what to do; she may send them away never to return. She had Jorah exiled, removing access to her, which she knew was something that would hurt him terribly. Daenerys reacts to betrayal in a very emotional way. She usually does not care much for regality and decorum, and she wants to be approachable to others; however, when someone betrays her, she throws her power around, silencing them, so that she may express her sadness and rage.

23. What is your character like when it comes to school? What subjects are they good/bad at? Do they get in trouble a lot or are well behaved?

In verses where Daenerys goes to school, she takes it quite seriously! She takes neat notes, occasionally going back over them with a highlighter to make connections later on between concepts when she is studying. She has an incredibly observant eye and making connections comes easily to her. I will say that she is a well-behaved student because she has the pressure of being like her older brother, Rhaegar, who was a perfect student. There’s definitely some occasional trouble, though. Regarding subjects, literature, history, and foreign languages are definitely her best subjects! Anything regarding sociology, as well, she’s incredibly passionate and astute. I would say that she is pretty interested in psychology. She has a good understanding of maths, but in all truth, anything beyond calculus, you’ve lost her...and even calculus is something she has to work hard at. She doesn’t have any natural affinity towards maths. She’s not too great at chemistry and biology, but she does better in physics. When it comes to subjects pertaining to the arts, Daenerys is a lovely dancer, and she has some musical ability.

#starvation tw #slavery mention tw #death tw #aegisregalis #;; I HOPE IT MADE SENSE!!! IT'S JUST ! THERE IS SO MUCH INFO TO PUT IN HERE TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE #;; THE FIRST PART WAS SO RAMBLY FJDSAJHFD #♕░░ a living fire to lighten the darkness ( HEADCANONS )#♕░░ a queen belongs not to herself ; but to her people ( ANSWERED )

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alexafaie-asd · 5 years

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Just some me rambling stuff.

Did some colouring for the first time in ages. Was kinda inspired by seeing some artists on youtube who I follow doing stuff for Inktober and drawing isn’t something I’m good at (and practising it isn’t something I enjoy so...) so I thought to colour in with stuff that could be classed as “ink” at least loosely. Nothing fancy, just some of the pages from a daily colouring calender I got in 2016 which I had planned to do each day, but just like everything I try I managed to keep to the “schedule” for like a week or two at the most before it collapsed and then I felt bad about not finishing it. So of course I got a more complicated colouring calender the next year because I never fucking learn.

Anyway... had a bit of sort of fun maybe colouring in a couple of pictures.

I’ve been feeling a little bit bleugh the past few days since however long ago Thursday was (I don’t know what day it is right now). I got the response from the PIP people about my Mandatory Reconsideration. I spent absolutely ages writing up the letter to explain just how the assessor had misrepresented what I said or just outright ignored my difficulties, pointed out the inaccuracies with the factual stuff (as opposed to anything that could be considered to be that word that means “different people might see it different ways”) and also explained how their failure to treat my difficulties as real was discrimination against my particular disabilities (they’re so called hidden/invisible ones like mental health issues) especially with how they used “high functioning” to claim that I can’t struggle with the things which they agreed I struggled with last time I got assessed and nothing has changed since then except that I have an extra diagnosis now.

Their response was rude, blamed the length of time it took on me even though most of the time was taken up by me waiting on them responding, giving me the face to face appointment date etc. And in response to me telling them how stressful the frequent reassessment periods are and how much anxiety they provoke & how they worsen my conditions, they said “Although the health Professional has recommended a 2 year review period, as you are no longer entitled to PIP then there is no review period required.” Previously I was awarded PIP at the appeals stage because they found my doctors note that they claimed didn’t arrive in the post until then, even though we sent it recorded delivery and we knew for a fact that it was signed for less than a week after it was sent out. Without the doctor’s note they had tried to say that I didn’t qualify, but with the doctor’s evidence I suddenly did. In this letter they are saying that as the findings of the current assessment are “so different” than that of what was decided at appeals before, they’re using the more recent assessment as they believe its a more “accurate” reflection of my condition and so “supersedes” the previous findings. Except the assessor this time made HUGE mistakes and that’s what I wrote in to explain. But they are treating the assessor’s report as medical evidence even though she was a nurse with no training other than the 10 day course they send them on (and I’ve seen the information for autism - the PDF they are given as recommended reading but not required, is outdated from the early 90s and still uses terms which are no longer in use diagnostically). They are placing more weight on her interpretation of what my difficulties are than the actual medical specialists who have dealt with me personally.

My boyfriend phoned up to complain and ask to start the appeals process (they didn’t include the information on how to appeal in with my letter and the whole letter was written as if I wouldn’t even try and should be glad I no longer qualify as if I’m suddenly not disabled because they say I’m fine). He asked how even with the information and corrections we sent in, they still came to the same conclusion, most of which was a direct copy and paste from the original assessment report. It turns out that because we had complaints about the assessor’s report, they went back to ATOS to get a new person there to look over my case. “So why did they find the same thing with the new/corrected info given to them?” my boyfriend asked. They had even repeated the bit on how I apparently “was not offered alternative treatments or therapy, suggesting you don’t need them” even though we pointed out that in the letter we had originally sent in to them, the people I saw at the multidisciplinary assessment after my autism diagnoses had written that there were two other meds I could try for my bipolar disorder and that they had put in a recommendation, sent to my GP, that I be referred to one on one talking therapy. He said that surely they must have seen us point that out in the letter I sent in asking for the mandatory reconsideration. And it turns out that none of that information was sent to ATOS. So the new person at ATOS only saw what the first person at ATOS wrote about me and came to the same conclusion. When we pointed out that it is the PIP team who are meant to balance things out, they just deflected all the blame to ATOS and said the matter was “out of their hands” as ATOS is a third party organisation so they don’t have any control over what they do. BUT THEY CHOSE TO EMPLOY THEM TO DO THE ASSESSMENTS!! So yeah, they do have control over what ATOS do and are entirely responsible for any outcome if they choose to base the entire thing on what one person who met the claimant for less than 2hrs has to say about what the claimant struggles with.

Its ridiculous! How the hell did they think it was ok to totally ignore what I sent in other than to belittle me when I expressed how stressed and anxious the whole process made me and how demeaning it felt. Their response was just to demean me some more. When asked what provisions there were at the appeals stage (which involves standing up in court in front of three judges who are total strangers) for people who are autistic and struggle in social situations, especially with speaking in public, and they said that they had no idea whatsoever, but as far as they knew there wasn’t anything special. And that we’d have to contact the courts directly. Not that we have any of those details because nothing was included in with the letter they sent. They couldn’t even get the page numbers correct at the bottom of the pages. The last page was numbered Page 7 of 4. Yes that’s right, there were seven pages out of four. How did they manage to break an autofiling section of a document like that? They take that little care with these assessments they can’t even get the documents to be constructed correctly.

When I got the letter I just totally dissociated from everything I would have been feeling. And so its been a rough few days as bits and pieces of emotion have been popping through and washing over me in waves of feeling really shitty. I’m trying hard not to think about the whole appeals process because I know it scares me shitless and I can’t do anything about it now anyway. But its just so hard to cope with people just dismissing my difficulties. Its ridiculous because the criteria have not changed. In fact they got in trouble with the courts for being biased against people with mental health issues as their disability (focussing only on whether a person could physically do a thing and ignoring their criteria of “requires prompting”) and so were made to make changes to discriminate less. Obviously the major fines and telling off did fuck all. Its just so frustrating because my difficulties haven’t changed (unless they’ve got worse) and previously I was deemed to be entitled, so why should that have changed just because I now have an extra diagnosis that even better explains the problems I have? Like previously they tried to claim that bipolar disorder didn’t cause the particular difficulties I have, so I missed out on points in one area. However now I also have the autism diagnosis, that category I was denied points in before is now the only category that scored any points. So its like they are totally ignoring that I have more than one thing going on, and that previously I was still autistic so if I was entitled then, I should be now!

When we pointed out how they were being discriminatory in my letter, they responded not by apologising for what I felt was discrimination, but by telling me that the “Gray Report” concluded that the “Health Professionals” (from ATOS who do the assessments) are trained to a sufficient degree to do the assessments without bias. So I’m there pointing out bias and being told “no, that can’t have happened, this report we had done says there’s no problem.” Except I have looked it up and Paul Gray, responsible for the reports actually wanted changes like making the assessment report results sent out immediately to claimants, but the government is refusing to do so. So how exactly are they meeting what his report asks of them? They aren’t! The Gray Report says that they need to do more to gain the trust of claimants because they are currently so inconsistent that is confusing at best and detrimental at worst. Like his entire report is basically “some of these changes are positive, but there is so much more that needs to be done such as x, y, and z” and the government has said “ah that means we are perfect and doing no wrong.” Like his report didn’t even look at the assessors in great detail. It just says that they should be trained to an adequate level, not that they are. And that they should be unbiased, again not that they are. So why quote that report at me?

Just.... urgghhh. I’m so sick and tired of having to fight past what I’m sensibly able to do just to get what feels like nowhere. Like they even wrote in response to me saying that my executive dysfunction is so bad that if the washing up needs to be done, and I can’t cope with all the steps required to do that, then I don’t have anything clean with which to prepare and cook food and therefore won’t eat. They wrote that those things are “outside the scope of the assessment criteria” and so won’t be considered as evidence. So because I can’t clean the house and can’t then cook the food, that’s ignored as a reason why I don’t eat the food. I must therefore be able to cope with preparing and eating food unaided all the time. How stupid is that? I also wrote how my sensory sensitivities affect my ability to wash and to brush my teeth, so I’ll go days without brushing my teeth when I can’t cope with those feels (or am too depressed) and they said “brushing teeth isn’t covered under bathing, so we won’t consider that”. Like they are both forms of personal hygiene. Arguably keeping your teeth clean is a MAJORLY IMPORTANT thing which can impact your health in so many ways (like you can die from an infected tooth, or from a gum infection). But it can’t be used to build up a bigger picture about how far reaching my disabilities are?

And they said that the section on being able to communicate only counts if you can physically speak and physically hear what is being said to you. So my sensory processing disorder which affects how my brain perceives auditory information and how it therefore responds to said auditory information? Doesn’t count. So the times when I can’t tell what is being said because there is a fan making noise in the background? Doesn’t count. The times when there are multiple people talking and I can’t pick out the one important conversation and everything blurs into one droning sound that is overwhelming and causes me to avoid social gatherings that involve many people? Doesn’t count. My inability to tell what tone of voice I’m speaking with and inability to correctly modulate my tone of voice appropriately so I fail to communicate effectively due to it? Doesn’t count. My sensory overload causing me to shut down and go nonverbal for long periods of time so I can’t verbally communicate? Doesn’t count. Apparently. Even though in the criteria available online on the government website for how they are meant to assess disabilities for the different categories, it really should count. But all they mean is “are you deaf and dumb”? (Sorry for the old derogatory terms, but that is literally all they seem to think counts and the way they seem to be approaching this).

And just I have all these feels and they are not nice feels. And I’m trying to remain strong and positive, and trying to remember that I’m trying to want to exist. But its so so hard. And just reminds me how much I hate my life and how I hate how noone (in the “noone” kind of way, obviously some people) seems to care how I feel and how I struggle. And it really doesn’t keep me away from feeling suicidal. :(

#actually autistic #discrimination #disability discrimination #hidden disabilities #actually bipolar #actually cPTSD #I don't like feeling bad

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friking-awsom-kitten · 5 years

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Sleeping beauty just need some coffee IASA Chapter 4

He gasped, sitting up in shock. However, something refrained him from getting enough air and was shoved up deep into his throat. He chocked and grasped whatever was blocking his airways, ripping it off. Suddenly he could breathe again and he took big gulps.

His eyes flitted around the room in a panic, not recognizing where he was. Something to his left caught his eye and he stared at the woman that had been checking a machine next to him.

The woman dropped what she was holding and screamed.

He screamed back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam had been staring out the window for a long time now. She didn't pay attention to whatever the teacher was saying. Few kids did.

Word of Danny had gotten around pretty fast and by the end of the first day everyone knew. It had been chaos.

Some people were angry and wanted to bill the Fentons for all the damage Danny's fights had gotten them. Some wanted to report the parents for child abuse. Most were furious at the GIW for disrespecting basic human rights and trying to capture a boy and were pestering the government to shut it down. The president, however, wouldn't back down, saying they were the best of the best at ghost science and this town needed them.

But almost everybody was grateful for Danny and all he'd done for the town.

A lot of people had visited him in the hospital. Including several of Sam's classmates.

They would also continuously ask the two friends questions.

About how it happened. If Danny's parents had known. Whether they got to fight ghosts too. Whether Danny would keep protecting the town or if he was ok.

Sam honestly didn't know. It had been two weeks. She'd never been more worried than she was now. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense, though. He had been exhausted. Physically and mentally. He was probably on the bridge of collapsing anyways and that blast must have depleted his energy reserves.

She sighed and glanced towards Tucker, who was staring at his phone. The device was turned off and pushed far away on the table, but the boy didn't take his eyes off of it.

All of a sudden, a sharp ring interrupted the teacher. Everyone jumped a bit in their seats and they turned to look at Tucker, who was scrambling to pick up his phone and putting it on his ear.

"Yes? For real?!" Tucker's eyes widened and he looked at Sam. "He's awake!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They burst in the hospital room. They had memorized the way long before and could walk from the receptionist to the ICU wing in their sleep.

Their eyes immediately fell on the small family in the corner.

Maddie looked about ready to cry and Jack was standing still with furrowed eyebrows. It was not a sight Tucker and Sam had expected to see.

The cause of all this grief was sitting up on his bed with a frustrated expression. He didn't have a breathing mask on anymore and the IV had been removed.

"Danny!" Sam cheered and sprang forward to hug him. He tensed under her hug and she frowned, letting go. "Danny?"

The boy huffed, looking incredibly uncomfortable. "So I've been told. Who are you?"

She was so perplexed her arms went slack. Tucker sucked in a gasp and they both turned to the doctor that had been standing next to them. He cleared his throat. "Yes. Daniel seems to suffer from Amnesia. From what you have told me and what we discovered, this was caused by a combination of sleep deprivation, malnutrition, and recent stress. The severe concussion he recently got sealed it. It affected his hippocampus." The doctor stopped reading from his paper and looked Danny over before continuing. "From what I have gathered up to now, he seems to only be affected on the explicit memory, meaning the memory of the places and the times and the people. Or the who, what, where, when and why. However, the implicit seems normal, thankfully."

"The what?" Tucker breathed out, barely able to form words as he tried to understand everything happening.

"That means the skills he has learned. He can walk, talk, breathe, and all the motoric functions he has learned throughout his life, as well as riding a bike or reading. However, I'm not sure whether his semantic memory is damaged. This is the common knowledge. For example the days of the month. Or when his birthday is. The damage on that may vary."

The raven gave an exasperated sigh. "If you go through that explanation one more time I'm gonna give myself another concussion."

"Well," Tucker smiled weakly, even though tears were threatening to fall, "he didn't change personality-wise."

The other boy grinned. "He did say I still have the skills I learned. Must have practiced my sass a lot because I'm a pro."

Sam snorted. "Yeah. You did." She turned to the doctor. "But they will come back, right? This isn't permanent?"

For the first time, the doctor's face fell. "I- we aren't sure. Retrograde amnesia, which is what this condition is called, doesn't have a cure, but there are some ways to coach old memories to come back. Most patients remember their oldest memories, but Danny doesn't seem to even have that. If he does regain some memories, it will most likely be from early childhood. However, we can't be sure. It could get better, worse, or stay like this for the rest of his life." He looked at the pale faces in the room and smiled encouragingly. "But I don't think it will get worse given that this was a brain injury, first and foremost."

He nodded towards the parents. "Before I run a blood test and prescribe anything, I need some questions answered." He took out a list and a pen. "Did Daniel take medications? Any past health problems? For example seizures or strokes or infections? Did he take drugs?" He crossed over every time they shook their heads or wrote down when they mentioned something about a panic attack or how he had had an accident in the portal.

The doctor shook his head. This kid was a walking medical catastrophe. It was no wonder he ended up with amnesia. He sighed and put his papers down. "I'll send for a drug test and he'll have an MRI scan. After that he will have to stay in the hospital for a few more days until he is fully healed. Daniel, will you let us put back the IV?"

Danny scrunched his nose. "Ugh why. I'm awake now. I just need some food. Do you guys have some fries?"

"We'll get you appropriate food after the IV is back on. Your body is still short on nutrients."

"Please, Danny." Maddie begged. "The sack also has some ectoplasm. It will help you heal faster. You will be able to get out of here sooner."

Danny pursed his lips. This woman claimed to be his mom, and let me tell you how weird it is to not even remember your own mother. He wasn't even sure if he could trust these people. They could be lying to him for all he knew. But he had no other option. Besides, that woman gave him a comforting vibe. He smiled at her unconsciously and nodded. "Alright, but the second I'm out I want pancakes."

All the medical procedures had been run and the doctor had decided Danny would stay two more days before he could go home. All Danny's injuries had been healed during his coma. He claimed nothing hurt and only complained about getting food. Something nobody was surprised about. The boy hadn't eaten normal food in weeks. What they were surprised about was that he was so restless. He should be tired. In fact, he should still be unconscious. But nobody was about to complain about that.

What Danny really wanted was a bath. He felt dirty and gross. He was horrified to learn he'd been washed during his slumber and couldn't look at any nurse in the eye after that.

However, he felt especially uncomfortable when groups of strangers walked through the door and grinned at him and gave him presents and took pictures.

He glanced at the table next to him. It was simply covered in 'thank you' and 'get well' notes and some kind of merchandise. He had also gotten many pictures and drawings, but they were so confusing he couldn't figure heads or tails of it. On the other side were also some balloons and a few stuffed animals and to top it off, all around him were flowers.

I must have been some kind of celebrity, Danny thought. But why were they thanking him?

A girl suddenly burst through the doors and tackled the poor boy. He let out a yelp and she let go just as fast as she'd latched on and started rambling.

"I'm so sorry. I came as soon as I heard and then the plane was delayed and I first had to arrange a short vacation and I had to finish this assignment and they wouldn't let me go saying you weren't in danger of death and they said 'Alright, you can go, but if you don't get that degree it's on you' and I swear I was about to strangle them."

Danny couldn't understand what she was talking about so he took the time to inspect her. She had long brownish-red hair and he could honestly see the resemblance to his apparent mother. This must be Jasmine, his older sister.

The girl seemed to catch on that Danny wasn't responding and she paused, looking at him good for the first time. They stared at each other in silence for some time, taking in the other sibling.

Jasmine held out her hand and smiled. "Hello. My name is Jasmine, but you can call me Jazz. I'm sorry about just now. I was a bit worried."

Danny blinked in surprise. Why was she introducing herself? She must know he had amnesia. He grinned. It felt nice to know at least someone didn't come asking him if he knew them or expecting something from him. He shook her hand. "I don't think I need to introduce myself since you probably know me better than I do. You're my sister, right?"

Her smile brightened and he silently congratulated himself. "Yes. I'm two years older. So I'm nineteen and you're gonna be seventeen in Oktober 27. It's July 13 today. I just came from college."

Danny smiled softly, grateful for all the information she was giving him. He felt awkward having to ask such simple things. "Are you in the first year?"

She nodded. "I'm studying creative therapy. To put it simply, it's a kind of therapy for people who can't put their problems into words so instead do it with their hands. The therapist then can study their movements and results to see how they think and how to help them. There are many types and I'm doing a mix between drama and art."

She continued talking and Danny listened. He learned so much. She told him all about her and her life and her friends and even what recently happened in college. It was as if they were catching up on old times.

She didn't mention anything about Danny, or what he used to do or what they did together and he was grateful for that. It would have felt like she was telling him what he should have done and he would've felt obligated. It was an insane thought, given that all that had happened in the past, but he didn't want people telling him who he was.

They talked for hours. Mostly she was the one speaking, but Danny often put in his opinion or input in something and she would laugh.

At one point, a violet-eyed girl and a dark-skinned boy walked in and joined them. Danny remembered them as the two people who were there when he woke up. He tensed a bit, but they just greeted him and sat down. They said some words to Jazz and turned to look at him.

The boy wiped his hands on his pants and cleared his throat, but at a look from Jazz he smiled at Danny. "Hey, man. I don't think we told you our names. I'm Tucker Foley and that's Sam Manson."

Danny nodded towards them, but frowned at the girl. "Are your eyes naturally purple?"

Sam rolled said eyes as Tucker laughed. "No." She admitted. "They're blue. I got these contact lenses from my grandmother. She didn't want them to go to waste."

Tucker laughed some more. "Her grandmom used to be really rebellious as a teen. She saw potential in Sam," he told Danny and so the conversation went into flow again.

Sam and Tucker telling Danny about themselves and complaining a bit about school. They also told him how they met.

Apparently, Danny had known these people for practically all his life. Since kindergarten. That was a weird thought.

Jazz had glared at them for bringing that up but Danny sighed. "It's ok, Jazz. I'm gonna get this a lot from now on."

Sam winced. "Sorry. Just thought you'd want some background information. If there's something you don't like talking about we won't. Just tell us, alright?"

Danny shrugged. "That's just the thing, Sam. I don't know anything about anything. Everyone expects me to know all kinds of stuff and then it's just gonna get awkward." He huffed, frowning. "Whatever. It doesn't matter. I'll just figure out what my life is now."

Jazz grinned, beaming proudly. "That's the way to look at it, Danny. Just start off fresh."

Except that wasn't entirely possible. The moment Danny was admitted out of the hospital he knew his life was way weirder than he had thought at first.

When he was let out there was a crowd waving him off and cheering and he got a green sock thrown at him so that was a nice way to enter the world fresh.

Then there was the house he apparently lived in.

He honestly had no idea what to say about that. It looked like aliens had infiltrated earth and were doing a terrible job at laying low.

He sighed, ignoring all the paparazzi and following the two adults inside. It was much better inside. It was very clean. As if it had been prepared for his arrival. That just made him feel more guilty.

Maddie and Jack were grinning at him as they gave him a tour of the house. Maddie more nervously, while Jack was excited.

The first and second story were pretty normal. On the first was the kitchen and the living room. Then upstairs were all the bedrooms. Danny paused in what was apparently his room. It looked pretty clean and neat. He must have been either a perfectionist or his mom had tidied it up for him. He was gonna go with the second one.

Finally, he was shown the basement and the op Center, which is what they called the UFO on the house. The UFO looked exactly how Danny imagined a UFO would look like. It was huge and had a lot of wires. Somewhere something was beeping, but he couldn't figure out what.

Then the basement. Danny shivered as soon as he entered. He saw millions of weird machines and guns and a milkshake maker he decided not to trust. The name Fenton appeared everywhere. Like a logo.

Then there was a door at the other side of the room. It had a beethemed pattern as if warning people of toxins. Danny felt like he should put on a face mask or something to protect himself. His father was wearing some type of protective suit.

"What do you do for a living," he asked, exasperated.

"We're ghost hunters!" Jack grinned, leaving Danny with a baffled expression.

"Why do you hunt ghosts?" He asked, stumped and curious. The part about ghosts didn't surprise him much. It felt as normal as the fact birds were chirping outside.

Jack's expression fell and he exchanged a look with Maddie. "Well son." He started cautiously. "We're ghost scientists. We have been studying them for years. We sometimes catch one to learn more about them from up close."

"Like they're animals." Danny frowned and his parents grimaced.

"They're not all sentient, Danny." It was Maddie who said this. "And Amity park has been haunted by ghosts for years. Most of them attacked and destroyed."

"Well maybe most of them just stayed home minding their own business and the ones that did mean bad came here so we don't see the other side of their world."

To his surprise Maddie smiled softly. "Yes. You may be right."

They didn't tell him much about the things in the basement. In fact it was the shortest they had been in a room and they practically shoved him back up the stairs.

They stayed in the living and talked a bit and Maddie went to the kitchen to cook some dinner because it was already pretty late in the afternoon. Danny had a foreboding feeling. Probably because how Jazz paled and sent him a few scared looks.

Danny stood up and followed his mother to see her fumbling around the fridge, trying to find something that didn't try to bite her hand off. "Hey?" Danny started, unsure if this would be seen as impolite. "Do you want me to help you cook dinner?"

The woman brightened considerably as she slammed the fridge shut and smiled at him. "Are you sure? I mean. Yes, I would love it if you did this with me."

Danny nodded and rolled his sleeves up before washing his hands. Maddie's eyes widened when she realized she'd forgotten to do that.

"So what are we making?"

Maddie scrunched her face. "I'm not sure yet, Danny. There isn't much left that is edible."

"Where do you keep all the food?" Her boy's eyes searched the small kitchen and she remembered he had forgotten all of that.

She pointed out the fridge and a few cabinets and he looked through them, bringing out many types of ingredients and selecting a few out. He asked for the pots and the pans and she pointed it out. He asked for herbs and she showed him. He asked her anything and she gave him the answer, watching in amusement as he fell right into his element.

Maddie settled back a bit as she saw him swiftly cut some carrots and dump them in the pot. She smiled. It had been a long time ago that Danny had taken the job of a cook in this house. Given that no one had any insight in it or kept mixing the sauce with the wrong chemical (what do you mean chemicals aren't supposed to go in food?). The raven had looked up recipes or he would cook ready-made food.

He'd started simple and after a while started mixing in his own stuff and experimenting. He had loved it. Maddie had let him drop a few chores so he would have time to prepare and make dinner. He would write a list of groceries and tape it on the fridge and Jack would go buy it.

In fact, Maddie could see the last note he had written still on the top left of the refrigerator. Her eyes watered a bit.

"Are you ok?"

She wiped her eyes and nodded. "Just that onion you were cutting just now. It's fine. Go ahead. You're doing a great job." She smiled. "Anything else you need?"

He shook his head as he flipped some pieces of meat on the sizzling pan. "Well, not for now. There are no more potatoes. And when was the last time you refilled the salt? And I had to use something else instead of the paprika because that's all done too. And you got way too much beef. How are you going to eat it all before it expires."

Maddie's smile turned nostalgic as she saw all he listed right now written on the little sticky note on the fridge. "We usually don't," she told him, earning herself a look of disgust.

Finally, the dinner was ready and they all say down to eat. Each family member congratulating the boy on the excellent food and what would they do without him. They didn't mention how they'd barely survived the two weeks he'd been absent.

Jazz was just in college, but Jack and Maddie had to constantly order pizza or eat in a restaurant every night. Even something as making some toast was always a hassle. Not only because the toaster sometimes malfunctioned and threw up the bread so hard it stuck on the ceiling, but Maddie was also very sure bread shouldn't be green.

Now they had Danny back. Everything had changed. Just....everything.

But he was back.

They talked a bit more. Danny asked about the many drawings they'd had to carry back home along with the rest of the presents. Who was that man on the drawings that looked to be made by kids ranging from three to fifteen?

Jack looked excited to tell him something, but Jazz had shushed them. She smiled at Danny reassuringly. "How about we talk about that tomorrow. You have enough to think on right now." She stacked the empty plates and brought them to the sink. "You heard the doctor. Get some rest. I'll do the dishes. Don't worry about school yet. You have a few weeks to recuperate and get used to life."

Danny looked at each of the people in the room, taking in their appearance and demeanor. If this was his family, no matter how crazy, he loved it. He smiled and turned around, bidding them a good night.

He walked up the stairs and paused, trying to remember where his room was.

He had a small moment of panic when he couldn't recall right away. What if he forgot more things? What if he forgot whatever he did today? What if the doctor was wrong and my amnesia isn't just of whatever happened before the concussion and I'll keep forget- oh wait his door was the one in the left hall.

He sighed in relief when his assumption was proved correct as the door opened. He closed it behind him and took a good look around.

The walls were white, but they had been covered in many posters about some kind of egg band or about a Doom. He wasn't sure. There were also some NASA posters and the wall next to his desk had a big board covered in pictures. There was a blackhaired boy with Sam and Tucker. A lot of those actually. And some about random places Danny had no clue about.

But his eyes wandered to that boy again. Was that...him?

He hadn't looked in the mirror yet. It was strange. Not knowing what you looked like.

Was that really him?

He found a mirror next to the dresser and the closet. It was large. It could fit his whole upper body and a bit of his legs.

He paused before taking a peek. A pit in his stomach and a bit of adrenaline made him jump forward and stare at the boy in the mirror.

He looked a bit older than in those pictures. But he still has black hair, blue eyes, a small nose and smallish eyes and thin lips and fat cheeks and freckles. Although he felt better knowing he had a bit of a jawline and the baby fat was less than in the pictures. His hair was also longer. And it was messy. Probably hadn't been brushed in weeks. Even if they had washed it, as they said, it still looked greasy and dirty.

He didn't feel like doing much of his appearance right now.

He wanted to explore.

He put to the side the pile of presents his father had dumped in his room after having brought it from the hospital and went rummaging through his room.

He opened every drawer, looked at every piece of clothing and squinted under every piece of furniture and he learned a bit about his past self.

He didn't have much variety in clothing. It was mostly T-shirts, jeans and sweaters. There was one neat suit shoved in the back, though.

He had some kind of obsession with stars.

Same thing goes for ghosts. There was even a map in his dresser. Along with a long list of names and some kind of description behind them.

He looked in the bathroom, which he had found he had right in his room. He found a first aid kit shoved under the sink, which he found odd. The rest was just normal supplies for in the shower.

But for the rest, his old life was still a mystery to him. Danny wondered if he would ever gain it back. Had he always been this famous? Wasn't it exhausting? And why had everyone been thanking him?

He suddenly wondered where his phone was. He should have one right? He'll ask his mother tomorrow.

But he really wanted to look up amnesia on the internet.

His eyes fell on a beat up laptop and he tried to turn it on, but it had a password. The hint wasn't even helpful. It just said 'bitch' and Danny honestly felt attacked and offended.

He plopped down on the bed with a deep sigh.

Everyone told him to get rest, but that was the last thing he wanted to do. He felt so energetic and restless. He didn't think that should be normal. He was pretty sure patients just coming out of comatose shouldn't feel rested.

Sigh, just one more thing he wanted to look up on the internet.

He also wanted to know how he went into a coma.

The doctor had vaguely mentioned a concussion or another kind of head injury. Must have been bad. He'd also made it pretty clear Danny was up long before anyone had thought he would be.

Maybe if I had slept for a bit longer, Danny thought, I would have been able to keep my memories.

He groaned quietly. Nothing made sense. Life was a weird jumble of gibberish and with every piece of information he made out it just became even weirder.

He lifted his arm to look at one picture he found he liked. A white haired anime man was standing with hands on his hips and a cape fluttering behind him. Sparkles had been thrown around as well as glitter that had been glued on.

There wasn't a note or anything, just a boy's name. Joey. Along with a small drawing of a dinosaur that Danny didn't think had anything to do with the rest.

That same anime boy turned up everywhere. On the balloons. On the plushies. On the shirt he'd gotten. On the posters the poeple seeing him off from the hospital were holding.

Who was that dude??

And what did Danny have to do with him??

Danny stood up and walked towards the mirror again. He cocked one hip as he put his hands on them and frowned at the image.

"Who are you?" He asked the boy with exasperation. "And just how crazy is your life?"

#danny phantom #danny fenton #amnesiac!Danny #jack fenton #maddie fenton #jazz fenton #ghosts #ghost zone #why do i keep tagging it with so much

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thewayoftheshadow · 6 years

Text

Space Orcs: Bees

Everybody knows what a bee is. I don’t mean a bumble bee or a wasp, which many people call a bee. I mean a plain old honey bee. Bees are very beneficial. They do way more work and contribute to so much more than most people think. Currently on our farm we have three bee hives that we started this spring. Caring for a new hive is sometimes difficult and constant work. There are also many safety procedures that must be followed for both the beekeeper and bees health.

How would an alien react to bees and beekeepers in general? What would they say when they find out how one sting can cause pain for a week or even be life threatening to some? How would they react if they found out that a single hive can house around 60,000 bees? What would they say about the lengths that people go to keeping a hive alive even if it kills them?

Here’s my take on it:

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Year: 2863 Region: Greater-Sol Planetary #: 3 Time: 1200 Earth-UTC

A farm in the North-Western Hemisphere of Planet 3: Earth. A human and her alien friend are on leave for two weeks on the humans, Sarah, parents farm.

Sarah: Now that you’ve seen the chickens lets go see the bees next.

Ysiz: What is a bee? Is it similar to a chicken?

Sarah: No no no, they’re nothing alike. Bees hurt much worse than chickens when they’re angry.

Ysiz: Why do all of the earth animals wish to hurt you? Have you not domesticated them?

Sarah: Oh these are domesticated. Only thing is we cant domesticate bees. There are too many of them.

Ysiz: More than the chickens?

Sarah: Oh yeah, try about half a million.

With this, Sarah leads her hard shelled companion over to what humans call a shed to get ready to go to the bees.

Sarah: This may sound personal, but do you have any fleshy bits like humans? or are you all shell?

Ysiz looks at Sarah and wonders why she would ask something so strange.

Ysiz: I can assure you I have no ‘fleshy bits’ as you put it.

Sarah: Good, you wont need a bee suit.

Sarah then takes out this strange white jacket with an attached hood and mesh netting. She puts on the jacket, throws the hood over and does up the series of zippers and Velcro patches to make sure that no bees can crawl into the hood. She then reaches down and pulls her socks over her pant legs.

Sarah: This is to keep the bees from getting under my clothes and doing me, or themselves, any harm.

Ysiz: They can harm themselves?

Sarah grabs a pair of thick elbow length goatskin gloves and puts them on.

Sarah: They harm themselves by harming me. When they sting me their stinger gets stuck in my skin and rips out of them. They tend to die rather quickly after that.

Ysiz: They have stingers? Did you not say that there were half of a million? You are crazy for keeping that many bees.

Sarah: Yes half a million, about 50,000 per hive box. Also the stinger is there for attacking anything that is perceived as a threat to the hive. To some it can be painful for a couple days. But if your really allergic it could kill you if your not treated fast enough.

Ysiz says nothing but shakes xers head while Sarah grabs a metal tool with a small hook on it.

Ysiz: So, what will you be doing with these bees then?

Sarah: Today ill just be checking for the queen bee to see if the old one is still there, she should be getting close to three years old.

Ysiz: They have a queen, so they must be like the Ulhilm species from the sector next to my home sector.

Sarah: Not quite, just follow me and I’ll show you what they look like.

After a brief five minute walk Sarah and Ysiz arrive at the collection of hives all lined up.

Sarah: Before we get closer, don’t stand near or in front of the hives. They have a specific distance in front of the hive that they need when they fly out. Don’t obstruct it, they will sting sometimes if your in the way. Just stay beside or behind me and you will be fine.

Sarah pry’s the lid off the closest box and is immediately greeted by a constantly moving sea of bees and a low humming sound.

Ysiz: Do you hear that Human-Sarah? They are making a noise, they may think we are predators.

Sarah: Nah, its ok. That’s just the sound of thousands of bees beating their wings. They’re doing something called fanning. It moves the air around inside and helps keep them cool. Go look at the front and you can see there are some by the entrance doing it.

Ysiz peers over the top of the box and sees tens of bees facing away from the hive and moving their wings very fast to filter hot air out of the hive. Xe turns around and sees Sarah holding a large frame covered in bees and a strange geometric pattern.

Ysiz: You were right about the bees Human-Sarah, there are many of them. What is this pattern they have made? It is different colors.

Sarah: Its called comb. They use wax and create this comb to store things in. They store their brood in the comb as well as food, called honey, and pollen. When they have an abundance of honey we take the comb and extract it and use the honey ourselves.

Sarah sits in silence for a few minutes and keeps pulling frames out and putting some back before she reaches for the middle frames.

Sarah: Right now I should be close to finding the queen, she likes to sit closer to the center to lay eggs. She looks a little different from the rest of the bees, but not by much.

A few minutes pass before Sarah is excitedly telling Ysiz to look closer at the frame.

Sarah: Look right there, that’s the queen. She has a red dot on her back that was painted on when we got her a couple years ago.

Ysiz: She dos not look different from the other bees. They all look the same. Except that one and that one, they are slightly bigger.

Sarah: That would be a drone. Its a male bee that mates with queen, they don’t really serve any other purpose. Also, she is slightly different, she is larger than the workers and a bit longer.

After Sarah finishes the last hive she walks back to the shop with Ysiz in tow while pulling off the beekeeping gear.

Sarah: Wow it gets hot in that get up. If only it wasn’t so hot today.

Ysiz: I am confused Human-Sarah.

Sarah: About what?

Ysiz: Why would you maintain something that is hard to maintain AND can kill you?

Sarah: Well, bees cross pollinate flowers and crops. Without bees life on earth would be very different if not there anymore. Their cross pollination when they gather pollen helps with the diversity of the genetics of plants. They essentially spread seeds from plant to plant.

Ysiz: So they are very important.

Sarah: Like I said, life wouldn’t bee the same without them.

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There ya have it, bees. This idea came to me at one in the morning after finishing some problems for one of my engineering courses. So sorry if this seems to ramble on or jumps around at some points cause I’m a bit tired. I wanted to get this one out before I forget it and kick myself later for not doing it. Anyways, If anybody finds any errors or areas of improvement let me know and I’ll be glad to make corrections! Also, please let me know if you plan on writing about bees too or if you have, I’d love to see somebody else’s take on bees.

Also, here is a picture of the tool with the hook mentioned above:

Its called a bee hive tool, or just a j hook. Its used to pry open the lid on a hive and scrape anything away, or up, that needs to be scraped. Due to propolis, which is kind of like bee glue, cementing the lid closed the tool is needed to pry the lid up. The hook portion is used to lift the corner of a frame out so that you can grab it with your hands and lift it from there. I hope this was informative. All of the stuff that was said by Sarah should be true unless I was taught wrong. In which case, correct me please!

#Humans #humans are space orcs #humans are space australians #humans are space oddities #aliens #bees #writing idea #space #space orcs #HUMANS ARE WEIRD

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