Have you ever killed children?

On occasion. If a child manages to be an actual threat I won't hesitate.

A little broken

Over a year after defeating Thanos and almost losing Tony, Peter is still haunted by the final battle. In an attempt to outrun the memories, he starts college far from New York.

It takes a visit from his mentor and an ill-timed flu bug that brings them both to their knees until Peter realises that he doesn’t have to take on the whole world alone.

Some Irondad hurt/comfort for everyone who’s quarantining at home (and those of you who have to work. Stay safe!) This is my @marveltrumpshate​ fic for Heyriel. Great thanks to @whumphoarder​ for doing so much more than beta reading. I hope you enjoy.

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The first time they meet, Peter isn’t sure what to make of Tony Stark. 

The man shows up unannounced to Peter’s apartment, chewing on May’s date loaf and walking around Peter’s room as if he owns the place—talking as if he owns the whole world. Peter is both awed and appalled, May’s occasional comments about greedy billionaires ringing in his ears. But then Peter starts talking about his motivation for doing what he does, and for a moment something in the older man’s face seems to break. That’s when Peter knows that there’s more to him than what makes the tabloids. 

Germany is both a thrilling adventure and an unparalleled disaster. Peter watches the group of heroes he’s looked up to since childhood break apart before his very eyes. The fight is grueling, taking more out of Peter than he knew was possible. He is lying there on the ground, trying to catch his breath, when Tony bends over him. And for a moment, there it is again: the broken facade on his face—below it, pure panic. The way Tony looks at him with thinly masked worry reminds him of Ben’s expression whenever Peter was little and having an asthma attack, and it does something to his insides that he can’t really explain. 

Then, a few months later, Peter inevitably screws up and slices a ferry in half. The two of them are standing high above the city when Tony takes his suit away, and Peter feels tears pricking at his eyes. He cries later in his room, alone, because it’s so much more than just the suit; he feels that by disappointing Tony he’s lost his chance at something so much bigger. 

It’s a miracle he manages to fix this one.

After Siberia, Tony is darker and quieter and indisputably older—like he’s finally grown up. Peter is sad for him, but it’s not all bad either. This new Tony starts taking more of an interest in Peter’s training—starts acting like a real mentor to him. There are afternoons spent together in the lab, dinners at the tower with Tony and Mr. Rhodes, and even the occasional low-stakes mission. Slowly, Tony’s world starts to feel like a place where Peter might one day belong.

But then, the universe gets ripped in two and somewhere on a red and war-torn planet, Peter clings to Tony in desperation, feeling first his body, then his thoughts slip away from him. 

When he wakes again, there’s another battle to fight, but this time there’s no thrill to it. It’s his personal horror film come true.

He can hear the moment when Tony’s heart stops. Peter cries openly this time.  

*

In the end, Tony makes it through. He loses an arm and much of his physical strength, but he’s stubborn as hell and fights his way through recovery. But somehow the day of the battle never fades from Peter’s brain like memories should. 

When he finishes school, May proposes NYU, Tony naturally wants MIT, but Peter chooses Culver University. It might be good for him to get out of New York, is what he says. It might be good for him not to be in a place that has Tony’s legacy lurking around every corner, is what he thinks. And maybe moving away will make things easier when he returns. 

Three months into Peter’s first semester at Culver, Tony accepts a guest speaking gig at the university and decides to stay at a nearby hotel to spend the weekend with Peter.

And that’s when it all goes to hell. 

*

“Hello? Earth to Peter.” Tony waves a hand in his face. “Who are you daydreaming about?”

“Huh?” Peter looks up at Tony, then down at his half-finished iced tea. “Nothing,” he evades. “Nobody, I mean. Sorry, I’m just—just tired. And I have a lot of work left this weekend.”

“Mh-hmm.” Tony looks as if he isn’t quite believing it. “You want more spring rolls?” 

“Nah, I’m good. I’ll wait for the main dish.” 

Peter hasn’t eaten much today, but he’s not quite hungry either. He’s nursing a headache and the tiredness is not just an excuse. As happy as Peter is to see his mentor, Tony’s timing in showing up the week before midterms really could’ve been better. Peter feels like he might fall asleep right here at the restaurant table, but he already knows that he’s going to have to stay up until late to finish his readings. 

“You’re doing it again,” Tony points out. “You’re being awfully quiet, kid. What’s going on?” 

“Nothing, seriously.” Peter manages to hold eye contact for a few seconds and then takes another sip of his iced tea. “So, you said we could fix the suit while you’re here?”

Tony takes the bait (or maybe just lets it drop intentionally) and the talk quickly turns technical. 

After a few minutes, they’re interrupted by the waitress—a student Peter thinks he recognises from his Python lab—who stares at Tony for a moment, her gaze lingering on the scars decorating his right cheek and ear before dropping down to his bionic arm. Then she catches herself and asks for their order.

When their food arrives, Peter observes Tony take out a box of different coloured pills and swallow a couple of them dry. 

“I know, not sexy,” Tony remarks, noticing his look, “but sort of necessary if I want to keep this baby ticking.” He taps his hand over his chest with a wan smile. 

Peter grins half-heartedly in return, even while he can feel his insides clench. The comment reminds him of the time Tony’s heart actually did stop, of the battlefield with the dust of Thanos’ army still hanging in the air, of the utter helplessness he felt when Tony snapped, of― 

“Uhm, excuse me?” It’s the waitress again, her voice shy, cheeks blushing. She extends a piece of paper toward Tony. “Could I, uhm, could you, maybe give me an autograph for my sister? She’s a big fan. I mean, we all are, of course, but she’s got her room decorated with posters of you and all that…”

Tony looks her up and down with a raised eyebrow and a smirk playing around his lips. “What’s your sister’s name?” he asks finally, making a show of producing an integrated pen from his bionic arm. The waitress is visibly impressed, and Peter resists the temptation to roll his eyes―it’s far from the first time he’s seen this trick. If Tony was famous before, it’s nothing compared to the status he earned since dusting Thanos and saving the universe. 

Tony gives the waitress an easy smile along with the paper he passes back, and then turns back to Peter with a smirk. “Fangirls,” he whispers. “Gotta love ‘em. Did I tell you about the kid who offered me all of his allowance for a hoofprint from Gerald?”

*

Because Tony is Tony, it takes a long time before he has caught Peter up on anecdotes of Morgan, Happy, and Gerald’s newest misadventures, and by the time Peter gets back home, it is already late evening. His studio apartment is small and rather old, with walls that have turned grey over time and windows that don’t fully close anymore, but it’s got its own kitchen and bathroom, which is much better than a dorm room―especially since Peter wouldn’t know how to explain the odd hours he keeps or the regular blood stains in the shower to any of his fellow students. 

Peter’s head has been throbbing painfully for the better part of an hour, and the lights from the screen when he pulls out his laptop don’t make it any better. All his body seems to want is sleep, but if he’s going to spend the next two days upgrading his suit with Tony’s help, he really needs to get these chemistry readings finished. 

He tries for several hours, but the words don’t seem to want to stick in his mind and it takes longer than expected until he feels that he has understood the chapter. Peter drops into bed around 3:30 in the morning, too tired to even change out of his jeans, and falls asleep immediately.

*

Peter is woken up by someone knocking on his apartment door to the beat of “We Will Rock You”, and it’s all he can do to stifle a groan. He drags himself out of bed and over to the door.

“Finally,” Tony sighs when Peter lets him in, shoving a reusable thermal to-go cup in the kid’s face and causing him to flinch backwards. “I thought I’d have to actually start singing.” Then he gives Peter a once-over and his face falls. “What happened to you?”

“I think I’m sick,” Peter replies, realising it is true the same moment the words leave his mouth. His head is hurting even more than the night before and his throat feels raw and painful, but the worst is the utter weakness in his body and the chills running down his back that tell him he has a fever. 

“What kind of sick?” Tony asks suspiciously. To Peter’s surprise, instead of turning on his heel and leaving the surely germ-infested apartment, Tony steps over the threshold and raises a hand to cup to Peter’s forehead.

“Dunno.” Peter shrugs. “Just feel like garbage. Flu was going around the school last week―it’s probably that.”

“Aw, kid,” Tony sighs, something like compassion in his voice. “Yeah, you feel really warm.” 

“Sorry about the suit,” Peter says, moving back to sit down on his bed heavily. “I guess you can just go back to New York early then.” 

“What? You think I’m coldhearted enough to leave my former intern alone on his deathbed somewhere in the Virginian wilderness?” 

“Culver’s not that bad,” Peter defends. “And I’m not alone either.”

“So that means you have someone here to take care of you?” Tony raises a sceptical eyebrow.

Peter hesitates. “I… May’s a nurse,” he evades. “I can call her.” 

Truth is, there actually isn’t anybody. He hasn’t really made friends yet―at least certainly not the kind he would consider asking to take care of him while he’s down with the flu. He calls May twice a week, skypes with Ned—and occasionally still with MJ—on the weekends, and he’s friendly enough with his classmates when they’re working together in classes. But his downtime is mostly spent studying on his own and patrolling the city at night.

“Yeah, no, that’s not happening.” Tony looks him over appraisingly, then seems to make a decision and presses the cup of hot chocolate into Peter’s hand. “Guess I’ll stick around for a bit. Here, drink that.” 

“I don’t really feel like it.” Peter is definitely queasy, bordering on nauseous, and the thought of drinking something as rich as hot chocolate almost makes his stomach turn. He shifts on the bed so that he can lean against the headboard, feeling too tired to hold his body up without support.

“Well, you need to have something. Super metabolism and all that.” Tony strides over to the small, definitely not tidy kitchenette and starts opening cupboards, most of which are empty. He comes up with a few packets of shrimp-flavoured instant noodles and a box of Coco Puffs. “Really, kid?”

“I was gonna get groceries today,” Peter says defensively. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna do that now,” Tony states. “What do you say to buttered noodles? That’s all Morgan ever wants when she’s sick.” 

“Yeah, that’s...that’s fine,” Peter says, dumbfounded at the idea of Tony Stark going to the supermarket and making pasta for him. 

“Good. Glad that you agree, since that’s about as far as my cooking skills go.” He zips up his jacket and grabs Peter’s keys from the table. “Don’t do anything stupid till I’m back.” With that, he’s out of the door. 

Peter doesn’t feel like he’d be able to do anything stupid even if he wanted to. He can’t remember the last time he felt this bad, and with his Spider-Manning lifestyle, that really says something. He’s thirsty, but his throat hurts in a way that doesn’t make him want to swallow anything. There’s an ugly taste in his mouth and he really wants to brush his teeth, but the bathroom could just as well be a hundred miles away. 

If May were here, she would have set him up on the sofa with Star Trek: TOS playing on the TV while changing his sheets and airing out the room, he thinks. And suddenly the homesickness hits him like a train. He misses May. He misses New York and his friends and even the busy schedule that high school provided him with, but mostly he misses coming home to an apartment that’s not empty, having someone to eat breakfast with in the mornings and share his day with in the evenings over burnt teriyaki chicken. Just the thought of May’s disastrous cooking skills almost brings tears to his eyes. 

He stays like this for an indefinite amount of time, feeling miserable and blinking back tears, until Tony eventually returns. He sets down the shopping bag on the table and closes his eyes for a moment, rubbing the bridge between them with his fingers, the telltale sign that he has a headache. 

“You okay?” Peter asks hoarsely.

“Yeah. You live in a village, kid. Took forever to find a parking spot and then everyone and their mother wanted an autograph. Basically fought my way out of there. Might have to give my lawyer a heads up, actually.” 

Peter can’t even bring himself to force a laugh. A part of him wants to tell Tony to just go home already; the other part of him really, really doesn’t want to be alone right now. He sniffs hard and swallows to keep his nose from dripping.

“Hey,” Tony’s expression sobers as he sits down next to him on the mattress. “Did I miss something?”

“I just―” Peter rubs a sleeve over his watery eyes, feeling embarrassed. He thinks for an excuse and suddenly remembers the very real problems of college. “Ah, crap.” 

“Huh?” Tony asks.

“I have two tests next week,” Peter admits miserably. “I haven’t done anything for them yet―I was going to study this weekend in the evenings―”

“That’s fine, kid, we can deal with that. We saved the universe, remember? Schoolwork is nothing compared to Thanos, trust me.”

“I know,” Peter sniffs. Then, before he can stop himself, he blurts out, “I‘m just missing home.” 

“Ah,” Tony says. He lays his bionic hand on Peter’s shoulder and rubs it. “Yeah, that makes more sense.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter goes on, “I didn’t mean, I’m just―” 

“You’re just sick and tired and emotional,” Tony assesses, but there’s no judgement in his voice. “Come on.” He gestures for Peter to lie down and pulls the blanket up to his neck. “Go to sleep, kid.” His tone is almost soft. “I’ll be here.”

Peter falls into a feverish, exhausted sleep. He’s dimly aware of an icy cold gripping him and chills wracking his body, and then of Tony putting an extra blanket on him. At some point Tony offers food, but Peter’s too tired to even fully open his eyes. He mumbles something that he hopes Tony understands and turns over to the other side. 

The next time he fully surfaces, it’s from Tony gently shaking him awake. “Hey Pete, I know you’re tired, but you really need to eat something.” 

“Don’ wanna,” he mutters, pulling the covers up to his chin.

“Peter. Come on, kid.” 

He blinks himself awake. The apartment is dark now; it must be evening already. The faint smell of food lingers in the air. “D’ I sleep all day?” he asks, confused. 

“Almost. You can still catch Saturday Night Live.” 

“Hmm.” Peter sits up slowly. He feels woozy and weak and his head is still hurting, which is ridiculous considering how long he slept for. 

“Just let me check your temperature.” Tony takes off his smartwatch and presses it against Peter’s neck, just under his chin. The cold metal sends shivers down his spine. 

“102.6,” Tony reports. “Yeah, that’s not great. A pity that fever reducers don’t work on you.” Tony’s voice sounds rough. Peter squints up at him just as the man turns his head into his shoulder to cough. He looks tired—really tired—and, as far as Peter can make out in the dim light of the bedside lamp, his face is kind of flushed. 

“Are you okay?” Peter croaks. 

“Uhm...” For a moment it looks like Tony wants to lie, but then he falters. “Not really. Guess I caught the same bug you did.”

“Shit,” Peter says. This sucks big time. 

“I already texted May—she’ll probably be up here tomorrow. As soon as you’d had something to eat and drink, I’ll go back to the hotel and get out of your hair. You don’t need an old sick man around.”

“What? No!” Peter blurts before he can stop himself. He feels his breath speeding up, horrified at both the idea of Tony leaving him here alone, and of Tony being on his own in some hotel room feeling as miserable as Peter does now. “Please don’t go.”

Tony looks taken aback. “Pete, I don’t think I’m going to be much help soon.” 

“No, it’s not that, it’s just…” Peter feels himself blushing. “It’s nice not to be alone,” he admits in a small voice. 

Tony gives him a long look. “Okay, fine,” he agrees eventually. “But that means you have to listen to me. And the first rule is: eat your dinner, kid.”

They eat quietly. Tony is visibly making an effort not to let on just how bad he’s feeling, but Peter has learned to read the signs during his mentor’s long period of recovery from the snap. Tony is rubbing his shoulder whenever he thinks that Peter isn’t looking, which means that his prosthesis is hurting him. His shoulders are slumped, showing how tired he is, he’s nursing a headache, and then there is the fairly obvious sign of him hardly having eaten anything except for two spoons of pasta and his medication.

After dinner, Tony calls Pepper while Peter calls May. She gives him a run-down of the usual flu advice―“Stay hydrated, try and rest, and for god’s sake, don’t pile every blanket you own on yourself like that time you had strep, Peter—keep the curtains on the windows”—and promises to drive up tomorrow if she can get her shift covered. Then she asks to talk to Tony. Meanwhile, Peter uses the bathroom, brushes his teeth and changes into pyjamas. Observing himself in the mirror, he realises just how run-down he looks. He splashes some water on his face, which does nothing except make him shiver. 

“She asked whether you built that Lego ship she got you for your birthday,” Tony announces when Peter returns. 

“Oh.” Peter hasn’t, of course. He’s neither had the time nor the motivation to do so without Ned.

Tony makes a show of looking around the room. “This place is less personal than an airbnb. I told her there’s not even a poster on your wall.”

“So what?” Peter sighs. He feels the need to defend himself, but he’s too sick to come up with anything.  

Tony doesn’t press it, luckily. He borrows a pair of sweatpants, which end up being a bit short around his ankles and make it look like he’s outgrown them. It almost makes Peter smile. They pull out the sofa-sleeper that May insisted on him getting, but which he’s had no opportunity to use until now. When everything is set up, Peter is almost dizzy from being on his feet for so long. He’s both sweating and shivering and very glad to lie back down under the covers.

Tony turns on the TV, but neither of them is really paying attention. Peter is half asleep a few minutes into the news and Tony seems visibly uncomfortable, shifting around every few minutes on the couch. 

“Do you want to switch to the bed?” Peter asks him, secretly hoping for the answer to be no―he really doesn’t want to get up again. Tony shakes his head, lips pressed tightly together. Then he gets to his feet faster than Peter would have thought possible for someone in his condition and bolts to the bathroom. 

Peter hears nothing for a while. Then there’s a few weak coughs, followed by a retch and the sound of splashing. Peter cringes, his own stomach twisting in sympathy. The small size of the apartment and his enhanced hearing make it impossible to tune out the sounds as Tony continues to be sick into the toilet for the next ten minutes. When the retching tapers off, Peter shakily gets to his feet and fills a glass of water from the kitchenette. 

He knocks on the bathroom door, then leans heavily against the frame. “I got you some water,” he calls, hearing Tony’s ragged breathing inside. “Can I come in?”

“Just go to sleep, kid,” Tony croaks. 

“Yeah, sure,” Peter mumbles under his breath. After a few moments, he hears the sound of the flush and then the door opens. Tony is covered in sweat and looking about as bad as Peter feels, plus there’s a greenish tinge to his face. The smell of vomit wafts out and hits Peter’s nostrils, turning his own stomach. 

“Thanks, Pete,” Tony croaks says hoarsely and takes the water from his hand. His metal fingers feel cold against Peter’s burning skin when they brush the back of his hand. “Sorry you had to hear that.”

“‘S okay,” Peter mumbles. He suddenly has a hard time focusing on Tony. His head feels so heavy that he has to rest it against the doorframe as well. 

“Jeez, kid,” Tony comments. Then his face drains even more of colour and he presses his knuckles against his lips, swallowing thickly. “Go lie down, okay? I’ll be out in a bit.” With that, he turns and disappears back into the bathroom. 

For once, Peter listens to him, unsure whether he will be able to keep standing much longer anyway. After a moment of consideration, he curls up on the couch, leaving the softer bed for the older man. He drifts there for a while, trying to tune out the sounds of sickness coming from the bathroom. 

Eventually, he is dimly aware of someone entering the room and switching off the lights. There’s cold metal touching his neck as someone takes his temperature and tsks, then softly brushes back his hair and lays a cold washcloth on his forehead. It feels amazing against Peter’s burning skin.

“Thanks, May,” he mumbles.

*

Waking up feels like resurfacing after diving into a deep pool of water. Peter’s eyelids are sticky with sleep and his brain feels like it’s been through a potato masher. He’s disoriented, so it takes a bit until he realises that it was Tony’s voice that woke him. “Pete,” he hears him calling again weakly. Something about it shakes him out of his half-awake state. 

“Tony?” he asks, sitting up. There’s a rustling sound and a thump from the bathroom, confirming his worry. A quick glance at his phone on the bedside table tells him that it’s just after 4am. Definitely not the time to take a shower.

Peter’s head swims when he gets up from the couch. He takes a few unsteady steps towards the bathroom and then stops to lean against the wall until his vision clears and he can open the door.

Tony is on the ground next to the toilet, wrenched in between the bowl and the shower, looking about ten times worse than earlier. His face is almost grey except for the scars on his right cheek, which are flushed in an angry red. His dark eyes are glassy and deeply exhausted. Sweat sticks to his hair and t-shirt, the prosthesis off and one sleeve dangling empty. The smell of vomit hangs thickly in the air, much stronger than before.

Tony slowly lifts his head when Peter steps in. “Hey,” he croaks, attempting a smile and giving up somewhere halfway. “Sorry for waking you. ‘S just that I could use some help.”

“With what exactly?” 

“Getting up?” Tony asks sheepishly. “I tried and almost took down your shower curtain.”

Peter blinks. “Well, shit.”

“You said it, kid.” 

Peter extends a hand and Tony grabs it gratefully, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. Peter closes the toilet lid and Tony sits down on it with a heavy sigh. He shudders convulsively, then closes his eyes and swallows rapidly a few times, as if trying to stop himself from being sick again. 

“How long have you been in here?” Peter asks while checking Tony’s temperature on his smart watch. He finds it to be at a worrying 103.6.

“Uhm,” Tony makes a vague gesture with his hand. “Midnight, maybe? Kinda lost track of time.” Peter frowns. “Sorry for waking you up, kid,” Tony says again, taking his expression the wrong way. “That’s kind of why I didn’t want to stay.”

“You should have called me earlier.” Peter fills a glass of water from the tap. “And yeah, really reassuring to think of you spending the night on the bathroom floor of your hotel because you can’t get up on your own.”

Tony mumbles something that sounds a lot like, “Not like I haven’t done that before.” When Peter hands him the glass, the man’s hands are trembling so much that half of the water spills out onto his shirt. 

“Shit,” Tony mutters. “All my spares are at the hotel.” 

“I can give you one of mine,” Peter offers. 

“Yeah, that... that would be great,” Tony says earnestly. Peter wonders whether he’s maybe a bit delirious. “This shit didn’t use to happen before the snap, you know.”

“Don’t worry,” Peter says, surprised at the admission. He fetches a clean sweatshirt from the dresser and hands it to the older man. His mentor’s whole body is shaking violently with chills. While Tony changes, Peter notices that the scar pattern around his shoulder stump is an angry red. It looks painful, but Tony doesn’t seem to care too much. 

Something twists within Peter. It reminds him too much of the time just after the snap when he saw Tony in the hospital, weak with fever from the infected limb.

“Ready for bed?” Peter asks, shaking the thoughts from his head.

“Yeah,” Tony says, although he doesn’t look too sure. Peter pulls him upright and almost staggers under the man’s weight and his own weakness. Tony doesn’t comment, and when Peter turns towards him, he sees that he is biting his lips, eyes largely unfocused. 

“This really hit you hard, huh?” Peter asks when they have made it to the bed, sitting down next to Tony. His mentor is bending forward, head in his hands, panting and shaking like he just finished a mission in the suit. That’s not the only thing, though. With his advanced hearing, Peter can pick up Tony’s heartbeat, which is slightly arrhythmic. 

“Tony?” he asks suspiciously. “What’s wrong with your heart?”

“Yeah, about that…” The other man raises his head, but avoids Peter’s gaze.

“What?” Peter can feel his own heart rate speeding up in worry.

“I, uh...remember my heart medication?” Tony says casually. “I threw up the last dose. It’s not dangerous, don’t worry,” he adds when Peter stares at him, alarmed, “Or, well, at least not yet. Just sort of increases the nausea and dizziness.”

“Can’t you take another dose?” he asks. 

“I don’t think I can keep anything down right now,” Tony admits. “But I’ll try in the morning.”

“Hmm.” This doesn’t really do anything to make Peter feel better. 

“Don’ worry, kid” Tony adds with a tired slur to his words, which only achieves the opposite. With a lot of effort, he pulls his legs up to the bed and then lies down under the blankets. “Let’s both sleep for a bit and things will look brighter in the morning.”

Peter gets himself a glass of water and then curls back up on the couch. He hears Tony’s breaths turn heavy and even out before long, but although he feels exhausted, he has a hard time going back to sleep. The sofa feels like rocks under his achy body, and he keeps turning around, unable to find a comfortable position. His head doesn’t fare any better. With his brain cloudy from fever, it’s even harder than usual to stave off the memories from the battlefield. 

His eyes finally fall shut and back he goes, right into the middle of dust and blood and death looming around every corner. He knows that there should be screams and shouts everywhere, but it’s silent, dead silent, except for the underlying thump-thump-thump of Tony’s heartbeat, becoming ever quieter. 

Peter rounds a heap of rubble and almost stumbles over Tony, who is lying on the ground, half his body eaten away by the radiation. The beating gets weaker even as Peter falls onto his knees and tears stream down his cheeks. He’s been here a hundred times, unable to save the man who saved him, and he knows exactly how this is going to end. 

A beat, almost indiscernible. A breath leaves Tony’s lips for the last time. 

Silence. 

*

He wakes to the feeling that everything in the world that possibly could be wrong, is wrong. His whole body is hot and he feels nauseous, almost as if he will throw up. Sick, he remembers. He’s sick. Tony’s― 

Peter forces himself to take a deep breath that comes out more like a choked sob. He sits up dizzily, and is surprised by the light streaming through the windows. His eyes immediately wander to Tony’s still form on the bed, covered by blankets. Peter can make out his slightly ragged breathing, but he’s way past the point where he would feel calmed by this. 

Unsteadily, he makes his way over to the bed and sits down on the floor next to it, shivering uncontrollably from the coldness of the tile, but not wanting to wake Tony up. He tries to calm himself, but his heart won’t stop racing. Everything feels kind of surreal and he can’t shake the image of Tony’s body on the ground, so still and lifeless. There are tears burning in his eyes. He shoves his knuckles in his mouth to keep himself from sobbing loudly. 

“Kid?” Tony’s groggy voice asks. “What ‘appened?”

“S-Sorry,” Peter manages. “G-Go back to sleep.”

“Hey.” Tony rubs his eyes and tries to push himself up, only partially succeeding. Looking at Peter, his face takes on an alarmed expression. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Peter whispers, feeling infinitely stupid. “J-Just had a nightmare.” He bites his lip, but with the admission, a dam seems to break. He can feel his eyes overflowing. 

“Hey, kid, hey,” Tony says softly. “It’s alright.”

Peter just shakes his head, tears dripping down his cheeks onto the floor. Tony extends a trembling hand to wipe them away. “Do these nightmares happen often?” he asks.

“Sometimes,” Peter evades. He wonders why he doesn’t just tell the truth. That there’s rarely a night when he doesn’t go back to the battle against Thanos, or the dust on Titan, or even the Vulture in flames―an enemy that seems ridiculous now compared to the ones they’ve fought since, but sometimes still makes it into Peter’s dreams. 

“It’s gotten worse again, hasn’t it?” Tony asks. “Since you moved here.” His hand drops down to Peter’s shoulder and squeezes it lightly. 

“‘S okay,” he lies. “I’m fine. Jus’... just the fever.”

“Mmh-hmm, sure. Come here.” Tony nods his head towards himself, weakly lifting an arm, and Peter lets himself get pulled into the hug. “Woah, kid. You’re on fire.” 

“Hmm,” Peter mumbles. “You too.” 

It’s true; Tony’s body feels even hotter than his. The sweatshirt Peter had given him is already damp with sweat. And, most concerningly, his heart is still beating out of rhythm. It reminds Peter way too much of his dream for him to ignore it. 

“You need to have some water,” Tony says, ignorant to Peter’s thoughts. “And eat something. It’s been a while.”

Peter’s queasiness increases at the thought. “Stomach’s not feeling great,” he admits. “How are you doing?” he asks then, into the older man’s chest. “And don’t lie.” 

He feels Tony grimacing. “Like a clock someone forgot to wind up.” His remaining arm lets go of Peter as he brings it to his chest to massage the area around his heart. “But hey, don’t worry. I’m gonna try my pills and some water and then I’ll be back on my bullshit before you know it.” 

But he isn’t. Half an hour later, Peter has to support Tony to the toilet to once again throw up the medication and the few sips of water he’s just managed to get down. He stops trying to reassure Peter after the second bout of painful dry heaves wrack his body and doesn’t even resist when Peter wipes down his grey face with a wet cloth. On their way back, halfway across the bedroom, they almost lose balance when Tony’s legs suddenly give out. Peter just manages to stabilise him before they can faceplant all the way. 

“That’s it. You need to go to the ER,” Peter decides after all-but carrying Tony back to the bed and sitting him down. Peter’s own body feels heavy with exhaustion. Tony weakly shakes his head and opens his mouth to object. “Please, Tony.”

There must have been something in his voice that gave away his desperation because Tony shuts up mid-inhale. He gives Peter a deep look and then nods shakily. ”But only if you eat something first.”

“Okay.” He checks Tony’s temperature, which has climbed even higher, to 103.8. Peter’s own is hardly any better at 103.2, but at least he can still stand―kind of, he realises when he has to sit down to be able to concentrate on his phone screen long enough to call a cab. 

The walk to the kitchen feels like it’s a mile long. Peter surveys the meagre food choices and decides that cold pasta with salt looks like the best option. After the first few bites, his queasiness abides a bit and he manages to finish his small plate, suddenly realising how hungry he was. He drinks two glasses of water with it and finally feels a little less lightheaded. Then he goes to the bathroom and, on a whim, swallows a small handful of painkillers from the bottle of Advil Tony has sitting beside his pill box. They will hardly do anything for him, but hopefully they’ll keep him upright until they reach the hospital.

When Peter comes back, he expects Tony to be lying where he left him and is already wondering how he’s going to maneuver him down the stairs from the second floor with the man's balance shot and his own legs feeling like noodles. But Tony is sitting up and in the process of putting on his shoes. His determination, however, falters a bit when it comes to actually standing up. 

“Just go slow,” Peter directs, supporting Tony to the door and taking on most of the man’s weight. “One step at a time.”

They make it down the first staircase before Tony holds up a hand. “Just need a minute,” he exhales, sitting down with a sigh and leaning against the wall, his eyelids fluttering shut. His breathing is ragged. Peter looks at him worriedly, the unsteady thump of the man’s heartbeat loud in his ears. Tony, as if feeling the gaze, opens one eye to squint at him. “Not dead yet, kid. Come on, let’s get downstairs.” 

Maybe it’s the fact that the painkillers are wearing off faster than expected or that Peter’s anxiety is finally getting the better of him, but the cab ride is kind of a blur. He just remembers Tony sitting with his head tipped back and his eyes closed, looking deathly exhausted, and at some point grabbing the older man’s hand and holding on. 

Peter only lets go of it when he has to fill in the forms once they reach the hospital. The ER nurse takes one look at Tony’s scarred face and missing arm and then directs them to a private room. Peter’s hand is shaking so hard that Tony’s name on the form looks like a child’s scrawl. Behind him, his mentor is already being connected to a heart monitor, while another nurse is bringing an IV stand.

He hands the form to the elderly nurse and then has to steady himself against the wall when he stumbles a bit. 

Her brow furrows. “Are you alright?” she asks. 

“Y-Yes,” Peter answers quickly. 

“Bullshit. He’s got the flu too,” Tony mutters from the bed behind them. 

“I’m fine,” Peter insists, feeling his heart rate spike. They’ve done a great deal to keep his secret identity, well, secret while he’s at Culver, and he’s not about to let his powers be discovered just because of a flu bug. “Really, I’m okay. Not a big deal.”

“Honey, you can’t be here as a visitor if you’re sick,” the nurse says, her tone kind, but firm. “You’ll risk infecting the other patients.”

Peter looks up, taking a moment to understand the implications. “What? No, please don’t make me go!” 

The nurse eyes him critically, then sighs and relents. “If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to be inside this room at all times. I can’t have you walking around spreading germs.”

“That’s okay,” Peter agrees immediately. It’s not like he was planning to walk the halls anyway; his legs feel like they might go on strike any moment. When the nurse turns around to start working on Tony, Peter wobbles over to an uncomfortable chair in the corner and collapses into it.

He feels like the next time he takes an actual breath is once Tony is hooked up to painkillers, antiemetics, and something for his heart, the fluids dripping steadily into his arm through an IV and the heart monitor finally—finally—reverts back to a steady rhythm of beeps. Tony isn’t conscious anymore to notice; after spending the better part of the last 24 hours on Peter’s bathroom floor, his exhaustion has finally gotten the upper hand. He drifts off as soon as the meds start kicking in. 

Once the nurses leave, Peter drags his chair over next to the bed. Tony looks—there is no other way to describe it—frail. Like he might fall apart any minute if Peter stops watching. His fever is still much too high at 103.3 and he is sleeping fitfully, as if the dreams are haunting him as well. Peter can still see images from the nightmare in his mind. Not clear, but looming, like he might find himself on the battlefield any time he turns around. 

He doesn’t want to fall asleep, but he’s dead tired. Now with the adrenaline fading, it feels like his body weighs a thousand pounds. He suddenly doesn’t even feel able to keep his head up, and instead lets himself slump forward, crossing his arms and resting his head on top. His cold hands are a sharp contrast to his burning face. 

His mind feels oddly detached from his body, like he’s floating, and he has no idea how much time has passed when suddenly the nurse shakes him awake from where he’s slidden down onto the edge of Tony’s mattress. “Can you just move for a second, hon?” she asks gently. “I need to hook up some more fluids."

"Oh yeah, sure, of course..." Peter nods groggily and goes to stand up a little too quickly. The moment he is on his feet, he can practically feel the blood rushing away from his head, and a wave of darkness rolls over him. Peter grabs for something to hold on to but comes up empty. He feels himself sway into the nurse, who grabs his shoulders and just about manages to keep him from face planting on the hospital floor.

“You’re really warm, dear,” she observes after helping him sit back down on the chair. "You really can't be here if you're not a patient. Let me call someone to get you a bed."

“But I—” Peter feels panic swelling in his chest. He doesn’t want to leave Tony alone, especially when he can’t be sure that the man’s heart won’t stop again, but he can’t let anyone find out about Spider-Man either―

"Peter, it's fine,” he hears a thin voice. Tony, just woken up, is shifting wearily under the blanket, turning his head towards them. “They'll sign NDAs and no one will know. Just do what she says and get in the bed, alright?"

So Peter does. The nurse calls her colleague, who sets up a bed next to Tony’s and takes Peter’s vitals. After Peter groggily explains that fever reducers won’t do anything to bring down his 103.5 degree temperature, the nurse hooks him up to fluids to counteract the dehydration.

The world goes blurry again and he is half asleep when he sees Tony slip something into the elderly nurse’s hand on her way out the door.  

When she’s gone, Peter gives Tony a confused look. “You bribed her to let me stay in the room?” 

“What are you talking about?” Tony scoffs lightly. “I just asked nicely and told her you took part in saving the world―that was more than enough.” He shrugs a bit. “And I might’ve signed an autograph for her son.” 

Peter would have rolled his eyes if his head wasn’t hurting so much. “Still a bribe,” he mumbles.

“Go to sleep, kid,” Tony says warmly.

He closes his eyes but then opens them again to see Tony watching him. “You’ll be okay, right?” Peter asks. 

“Of course,” Tony replies. “I’m always okay.”

*

When Peter wakes up again in the early evening, it’s to May lightly stroking his curls out of his face. A tension he didn’t even know he was holding seems to fall off his shoulders.

“Hey, baby,” she says softly when he hugs her. “Rough weekend, huh?” 

It is decided that neither of them has to spend the night at the hospital―Tony has to fight to be discharged, but they eventually let him go after making him promise to rest, take his medicine, and tell May if his heart acts up again. In turn, Tony collects each of the staff members’ contact details to have his lawyers send NDAs later. 

The drive back to the flat is quiet. Tony attempts small talk for the first five minutes, but is still too out of it from the combined force of illness and drugs, and quickly gives up again. Peter is just relieved that May is there. 

Once they’re home, May makes both of them eat some toast and then ushers them off to bed. Peter feels like he hasn’t slept since he moved to Virginia, and maybe that’s true in a way. But now with Tony and May both there, he finally feels like it’s safe to let himself go. 

*

He wakes up to May opening the windows to let in the chilly morning air.

“C’n I have some water?” he mumbles. 

May hands him the glass. “Your fever has come down a bit overnight. Feeling any better?” she asks. 

“Hmm.” He’s still weary and headachey, but the chills are gone and the world seems much less frightening now. “How’s Tony?” he asks.

“Still asleep. We talked a little last night—he didn’t get much rest, I’m afraid. But you should wake him up and tell him it’s time for food and medicine.”

Peter sits up and is rewarded with a lack of dizziness. He goes to the toilet and washes his face before trudging over to the bed and sitting down carefully on the mattress next to his mentor’s sleeping form. Tony’s eyes are moving rapidly behind his closed eyelids as if he’s in the middle of a dream. His hair is a greasy mess, the scars as red and angry as before and his cheeks still flushed with fever, but the rest of his face isn’t as pale as it was the previous day, and, when he listens carefully, Peter can make out his regular heartbeat.

“Tony?” Peter whispers, gently touching his flesh shoulder. 

Tony grunts and rolls himself over. “Pep?” he asks in a muffled voice. 

“Not exactly.” Tony blinks awake and squints up at Peter. “How are you feeling?”

“Ugh…I want my hospital drugs back,” Tony half-jokes. “But not on the verge of cardiac failure anymore, so that’s a plus.”

“Hmm.” Peter reaches for his hand to check the smart watch. “Your temperature’s down.” Tony’s is at 101.5, whereas Peter’s is at 100.7. Tony gives first the numbers and then Peter a critical once-over before closing his eyes again. 

“Don’t go back to sleep,” Peter warns. “May said you need to take your medicine and eat something.”

Tony groans audibly. “Nurses never let you have any fun...” 

*

The first time they met, Peter wasn’t sure what to make of Tony Stark. 

Times have changed, Peter thinks, as he surveys the scene in his apartment. 

After a painfully slow shuffle to the bathroom and back, Tony decides that he doesn’t feel up to walking around just yet, so they all eat breakfast in bed, assembled on various pillows and blankets, while Star Trek plays on the TV in the background. With his appetite returning and worries temporarily lifted, Peter devours two pieces of toast with chocolate spread and a glass of orange juice while Tony sticks to saltines, tea, and the pills he swallows under May’s watchful eye. 

When they’re done, May announces that she’s heading out for groceries. “No crime-fighting until I’m back,” she orders with a smile. “And I want each of you to finish the water bottles on the table.”

“Aye, aye, captain,” Tony salutes sarcastically. The moment May shuts the door, he sets down his half-finished cup of tea and slumps visibly into his pillows. 

“You alright?” Peter asks immediately. 

“Jeez, kid, you’re worse than Morgan,” Tony comments, not without affection. “I know last night was scary for you, but honestly, this is not even in my top 20 for life-threatening events I’ve experienced in the last few decades.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” Peter retorts. “Because it really doesn’t.”

He must have come across less playful than intended, because Tony’s expression sobers. He regards Peter with the deep look that always gives him the feeling of being x-rayed. 

“I know,” Tony says. “But that’s kind of the point. I’ve been through so much shit in my life that I know pretty much exactly how you feel.” 

He drags himself a bit more upright and lays a warm hand on Peter’s forearm. “I know how it is when your thoughts circle back to the same moment over and over again and the nightmares won’t let you rest. I know how easy it is to isolate yourself because the memories are eating you up and you feel like nobody can help you.”

He pauses for a moment and rubs a hand over his forehead. Peter remembers the darkness on Tony’s face the first time they met and wonders whether that’s what Tony sees on his now. 

“What I’m trying to say is,” Tony continues, “you don’t have to pretend to be fine if you’re not. At least not in front of me or May.” 

The irony of it almost makes Peter smile, despite the lump forming in his throat. Tony just spent the last 36 hours trying to downplay the pain he was in. “You are one to talk,” he remarks.

Tony chuckles quietly. “Still learning, kid.” He picks up his tea cup and takes another sip before continuing in a softer voice. “Just trust me, it‘s okay to be a little broken, even when you’re not sick. And you don’t have to hide it. I know what loneliness looks like. I’ve been through all of it and it took me years to understand that the only thing that can help is to let other people in―the right kind of people.”

The thoughts are running a marathon in Peter’s head and he’s dimly aware that he’s trembling. He swallows hard before speaking. “It’s just… sometimes I don’t even want to remember. It’s just so hard to start talking. About”―he takes a deep breath―“the battle. And the dreams. And everything else.”

“Yeah, it is. I never said it would be easy.” Tony seems to hesitate for a moment, but then he pulls Peter toward him one-handedly so that they can lie side by side. He covers both of them with his blanket. Peter turns his head into Tony’s shoulder and closes his eyes, taking deep breaths. “And we don’t have to start today. But I’ll be there whenever you’re ready.”

________________

If you liked this, you might also enjoy my other post-Endgame fic (in which Tony is obviously still alive): What We Lose in the Fire We Gain in the Flood

All my fics

Taglist: @toomuchtoread33  @yepokokfine

A Ryvius Advent

Advent, the time of year in which Christians commemorate Christmas by looking forward to it in anticipation, as well as to Christ’s return, is upon us. We hope that we can help you participate and get into the “Christmas spirit” through our blog as we do our traditional Christmas posts. Consider signing up for our newsletter as we gear up for the season, and following along here on the blog as well with posts like today’s, which kicks off the season is a most appropriate way.

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Infinite Ryvius (Mugen no Ryvius), Goro Taniguchi´s Lord of the Flies meets Lost in Space, is without doubt one of my favorite shows. Yet, I must warn you: It is not an easy one to watch. Its slow burn starts with the focus on the people-pleaser protagonist, Kouji Aiba—a guy who finds it uncool to hang out with anyone who has known him for a long time, his estranged brother Yuki, and their bossy childhood friend Aoi. But soon it expands its scope to perhaps twenty or so very interesting youngsters aboard the Liebe Delta, a starship academy for future space cadets, left without adults after a strange accident (or is it?), and through them, encompasses an entire teen society which grows, fights, suffers, and evolves with every episode, always waiting for rescue.

That is the starting point of a journey that will take its protagonists through hard decisions about survival and violence, war, lies, fears and betrayal, the collapse of social norms, emotional and mental breakdown, and repeated moral failure in what I found to be a very atypical, honest story full of quasi Eva-like angst and misfortune.

What’s worse is that you do not even have a Gendo to blame here, either for how frustratingly Kouji acts nor for anything else. There are adults and dangers outside, but they are not the focus. Instead, it’s on the kids. From the kindhearted teen hero to the bright model student, from the Vulcanian-like brainy to the loud representative, from the weak-willed fat boy to the “bad girl,” from the silent gang leader to the space princess (sort of), they are as flawed as they are relatable, and truly dangerous to each other in their own ways. And the consequences of their sins and errors are not small, not here. What follows has been aptly described as an ascent/descent into hell.

Why watch it, then? Why suffer? For one, its characters are (in my view) fascinating, and their occasional ugliness, and that of the situation, is how we gradually come to see something genuine and hopeful about them. They may start as archetypes, but they suffer, evolve, interact, struggle, and surprise me, for better and for worse. No matter how minor their roles, they all have something to say, and quite frequently they are things I hadn’t heard before from characters like these. The story does not whitewash their flaws, but neither does it give up on them when they fail (and boy, do they fail). The comparison with The Lord of the Flies may be the first thing that comes to mind, but if you go along, you will receive, one after another, signs that things may go differently here. It is not only the primal they confront, but also the supernatural; not only the evil in them, but the good. And I have come to understand enough about myself to know that I´m pretty much like Hikki Hachiman: I thirst to know the human heart, of others and mine, and I often find hope in it.

More than that, Mugen no Ryvius is a show firmly interested in what is good and evil, right and wrong, just and unjust, much like Bokurano or Serial Experiments Lain. It takes its premise seriously, and it makes every effort to show us that everyone is connected. This principle is personified in the character of the Girl in Pink, the soul of the starship, an observer who wanders around learning about its inhabitants, sometimes talking with them, sometimes helping them, sometimes unveiling what is beneath the surface, she herself connected to the deeper mysteries of the ship. And, as I have loved reading about the evolution of fictional societies and regimes since I first read Plato´s terrific (in both senses of the word) Republic in Philosophy class, the self-contained nature of the community which is described, the elegant way in which everything is presented and the 26 episodes that give us plenty of time to know everything about everyone make this a very enjoyable story, even if sometimes you have to just endure it.

There is even more. Ryvius is not only a psychological thriller or a social experiment. It is a tale of discernment and heroism, but not only that either. Much as in Taniguchi´s Planetes, its themes and symbology go all the way to the philosophical and the spiritual, in this case with the salvation of all humanity literally at stake. The characters are largely unaware of this larger plot—they are busy enough as it is—except for some weird encounters they experience here and there, but we get to see it through the Girl in Pink. The story has something to say about who we are to each other, and about sacrifice, sin and delusion, and also about the meaning of hope and love in this fallen world. Thus, it connects with the themes of Advent, the time when we remember the long wait for Christ during the long ages of Israel, the longing of the human heart for Him in the reign of sin, the promises of the prophets and the difficult and specific, strange, miraculous yet discreet circumstances in which the fulfillment of that hope was prepared when the time came.

But, God being the Lord of the Living, this period is not only one of remembrance. It is also the time when we try to better dispose our hearts so that His coming here and now can touch us more deeply. It’s becoming a challenging, tiring Advent for me, both professionally and personally, so these days I am fasting a bit, trying to bring to mind the hope of Christmas and of the future and meditating on the readings of Isaiah and John the Baptist, Joseph, and Mary. Because Advent is also the time when we look to the future from the hardships of this world and renew our hope that He will come back, that rescue is coming. That there is a second, hidden story in my life too, and it encompasses and explains the one I see. It is something of a funny coincidence that the hardest part of the Ryvius story comes also at December, a December in space.

I think that is as far as I can go speaking only in general, so spoilers ahead. Ryvius is full of twists and turns, so you have been warned.

Episode 23 is probably the show at is bleakest. Just an episode or two before, the violence, the egoism, the anarchy, the malevolence, the ill will, the disorder and the laziness have reached its peak, and a friend has been scarred. The sins of the little society—unbeknownst to them, a literally chosen people, because the Ryvius is the only hope for humanity to escape the Second Solar Flare, and no crew has ever been able to make it react—are just too many, and they are punished. It is the logical consequence, and even I was hoping for it. Our heroes experience a mutual emotional breakdown, unable to comfort each other. And hurt and bitter, the courageous and kind Ikumi turns into a tyrant by threats and sheer force, threatening to destroy entire sections of the starship if he is not immediately given unconditional obedience. Like the Leviathan of Hobbes, he demands absolute power to prevent the kids to becoming wolves for each other. With Yuki and the rest of the mecha aces on his side, those aboard are forced to comply.

His first decision is to reinstate the gang of Airs Blue, that other interesting tyrant, back from prison as the police force, a role than they clearly enjoy. Shortly after, order is restored, but in such a way the ship starts to feel like an occupied country. Violence is not as overt as it was, but it is there. And maybe all that would be at least an improvement on the previous anarchy, were not that his main advisor is the ultimate schemer of the Zwei group, Heiger, who has been given free hands to engage in his social engineering projects and protect this Pax Romana until the number of violent incidents is zero.

Shortly after, people are sorted by ability and separated (well, either that, or if Heiger thinks you a subversive element, sent straight to Class F, which includes pretty much every important character who is not part of the regime). Juli Bahana, the voice of empathy and reason, is expelled from the bridge for objecting (more specifically, for objecting without providing a feasible alternative), and sent to Class F. So is her ever-jealous friend Ran, who has undermined her in every way she could. His crime is violently protesting that the little kid aboard, Pat, has been sent to Class F too (well, says Heiger, naturally, he is not useful by any objective standard). Fina S. Shinozaki, the beautiful pagan priestess/cult leader who preaches the false Gospel of making yourself a new you of your own design, is leading the course of the ship, which now points toward her planet.

When all the new residents of Class F are in their area, a new surprise comes. Unbeknownst to Ikumi, Heiger, who is losing it a bit, blocks the area and switches the lights off. They are left without food or a way out. In his reasoning, these people are not useful, the lowest of the low, and everything that is given to them is a waste. Many of them, conscious of their crimes or their lack of ability, even recognize it is only natural that they would end up at Class F. So there they are, our most pathetic characters, in the darkness. Jealous Ran, indecisive Juli, feeble and treacherous Charlie (sorry, I mean Good Turtleland the Third), femme fatale Criff, bratty Nicks, people-pleaser Kouji, messy and bossy Aoi, loud Lucson, spoiled Pat, the lazy couple who stole points, even the creepy psycho who “protects” Charlotte—all there.

When someone lights a lantern, and it turns out that Lucson was stealing food, so he decides to share it, not without boasting about his “keen foresight.” The last, the not useful, the dispossessed, the guilty thus share the little they have, and sit around the light. Somehow, a curious joy starts to permeate them, and someone asks out of the blue, “It is almost Christmas, isn’t it?”

What it is is December 13rd, the birthday of the youngest member of the crew, Pat Campbell. His father and mother figure are beside him. Lucson may be an incompetent, a liar, and a vain leader, but he has taken good care of Pat, to the point of showing that he is willing to take a beating in his place, and has tried to set example for him in his own clumsy way. Juli may be indecisive and her renouncing as captain of the ship may have played a part in the present state of things, but she has cared for the kid from the first moment. The Girl of Pink is attracted towards that light they share, not towards the bridge, and it´s no wonder. The bleakness of Ryvius disappears for a couple of minutes, and there is a warm light instead. This is the moment in which she speaks to Kouji and stops being an observer, providing hope, a way out. Literally, there is a path.

The darkness will strike twice again in this very episode and the hardest part of this journey of purification is still ahead, but we have seen a glimpse of where it leads. As viewers, we can have hope. Kouji still has to carry his own Cross, his own Gethsemane, and beyond. Aoi will share it all with him. We will still suffer before we reach the end. But for now, there is light. There is a sign of something beyond the madness the Ryvius has fallen into, something that reaches these broken sinners suffering the consequences of their own errors and makes them one, even so.

While darkness and poverty have united Class F, the powerful, the strong and the wise in the terms of the ship are not so lucky. Ikumi cannot participate in the feast. After all, he is locked in his palace—the officials bedroom—with his own thoughts, increasing his own power, worried, navigating his inner traumas, working to stop even the littlest of crimes aboard while the tyrannical system he has created causes others he does not detect. He wants his Pax Romana no matter the means, and even if he is not mistaken about what is right, he is wrong about placing all hope in his own hands, and about the darkness of his own heart. Like Herod (though younger, more desperate and driven by fear and trauma), he may resort even to murder. Neither can Kozue, who has made the conscious decision to play into Ikumi´s trauma to have someone who will provide her affection, and literally shut the door to everything and everyone else.

Neither can Yuki, our punk Pharisee, who never loses an opportunity to point how weak-willed, despicable, low and inauthentic his elder brother is, usually with a punch or two to show him.  Even if he is Kouji´s younger brother, he is no doubt like the older brother of the parable, only substituting obedience to the father to doing what he pleases without external influence. He also wants acknowledgement for his achievements. Nor Heiger, who is busy with the census of his new empire, sending every member of the Ryvius community to the place where he belongs to, in his opinion, and worshiping efficiency like he always wanted to. Heiger´s terrified reaction to the unknown, in the form of the Lovecraftian/Ghiblian space beasts, shows us how self-enclosed in the works of his own hands he is at this point of the story: His own cleverness has blinded him to this hope.

But if Ikumi is traumatized, Heiger is a materialist, and Yuki is just doing what he feels vaguely good about, someone is searching for a spiritual meaning in the circumstances. And the meaning she finds is evil. That is Fina S, Shinozaki, the young cult leader/priestess of Mother Arne, a pagan deity who considers letting your past behind and rebuilding yourself from zero as the first moral imperative, adapts to every situation quickly and cleverly, considers Ikumi to be a war god, and believes the Universe will help you if you desire things strongly enough. Behind the bizarre elements of this space cult (you know, those pesky Uranians), there is a very familiar philosophy: Be the center of everything, project a perfect illusion, become powerful no matter the situation, delete from your life those people and parts of yourself you don´t like, always be determined, and get what you want.

Villainous as Fina is, I cannot but feel compassion for her, as she is farther away from hope than the rest, and suffers without it. When hurt, she tries to kill the same person whose love she longs for: she wants to prevent him from applying her own philosophy to her and letting her in his past. When heartbroken, she tries to force her smile like a mask. When her acts get her scarred, she wonders if she is not as virtuous as she should be. The philosophy of becoming your own creator not only destroy you, but also tells you that it´s your fault, for not wanting to be free and happy strongly enough. So I truly pity her, and this broken age of ours, too. In a silent alliance with the Girl in Pink, Kouji will risk everything to confront all four, like John the Baptist, and call them to repent.

So at this time of the year, we should also prepare for what is to come—the fights as well as the rescue, the present as well as the future. The joy of the feast and the time of waiting. In the midst of our daily struggles and sufferings, of the problems of the world, we may take a step back to reflect and pray, try to hear the call, think about the meaning of what is happening, share the little we have, remove the obstacles, acknowledge who we are, repent. Take perspective on the things of the world. Give others the comfort and hope they need. Be brave. And help those who are not useful for us, even those who have hurt us, for we are connected, aboard the same ship. And those far from Class F, locked anywhere, need Christmas too, and dearly: Their hearts thirst just like ours.

And miraculously, there is a path.

=====

Mugen no Ryvius can be acquired at Amazon.

3 Reasons Star Wars will Never Live up to the Hype, and 3 Reasons Why That’s fine

Star Wars fans are very passionate and usually more intense than other fanbases. For many of the fans, Star Wars was an important part of their childhood. Star Wars showcased a universe with interesting creatures and worlds, along with characters and stories that are relatable; essentially teaching kids to use their imagination. This passion continued on into adulthood for most fans and is comparable only to fans of sports teams. This passion makes the fanbase very opinionated. Just ask any fan what they thought of episode VIII (be careful if you decide to do this, you could be in for a very long discussion). The fans are so opinionated that they have crafted long arguments all over the internet, for example, the who shot first debate between Han Solo and Greedo. Another popular argument is “ are ewoks cute creatures or vicious carnivores? just to name a few. The fanbase isn’t just opinionated about Star Wars they are obsessive about it. Not only do fans argue about Star Wars, they go beyond that to in-depth research that constitutes a fan theory: a much more complex type of fan argument. Fan theories are speculation about where a film or franchise is heading or an answer to a question posed by fans. All fan theories are based on evidence found in films and other sources. Some popular fan theories include why do Stormtroopers have bad aim and was Darth Vader not completely evil until after episode IV? But with this obsession comes high expectations from every fan. Here are 3 reasons why Star Wars can’t live up to the hype and 3 reasons why it’s acceptable that Star Wars doesn't meet expectations.

#1 The abundance of fan theories

As mentioned above, we all want Star Wars to live up to our expectations from our favorite fan theories. When Star Wars episode VII came out, the big mystery was, who are Rey’s parents. Many theories were formulated to answer that question. Some theorized that Rey was the daughter of Luke Skywalker; others believed she was a granddaughter of Obi-Wan Kenobi, or that she was Leia and Han Solo’s daughter; still others believed that she was a daughter of Palpatine. A significant amount of research was put into these theories, some even analyzing Rey’s fighting style to compare it to Palpatine’s. Other theories state that Han Solo and Leia don’t recognize Rey in their first encounter with her as evidence that she was not their child. Some fan theories delve even deeper, stating that Obi-Wan is the one who calls out to her in her force vision in episode VII. Rey could only have one parentage and some fans were disappointed when her parentage was revealed.

Another fan theory came from Star Wars Episode VIII The Last Jedi about Luke specifically (Spoilers in the paragraph below). These fan theories were formed to explain the cause Luke’s death at the end of the episode VIII. Some fans believe that he died from the effort of projecting himself across the galaxy to save the Resistance. Others believe he died because he willingly became one with the force, that he had accomplished what he had to do and had finally forgiven himself for the mistakes he made by helping create Kylo Ren by drawing out his dark side. The fans have spent a lot of time trying to create these fan theories that predict desirable outcomes for the characters. Realistically, not all of them will be true and some fans will feel let down.  

#2 The spectacle of Star Wars battles

One of the staples of Star Wars movies is the large scale battles. We have come to expect very intense battles characterized by incredible music, high stakes, creative camera work, and epic combat. In Star Wars Episode IV for example, we have the Death Star, a massive battle station capable of destroying planets. The Empire has found the Rebel base and the Rebels are racing to blow up the Death Star. They are outgunned, outmanned, and have to destroy the Death Star before the Empire can fire on the rebel base. In Star Wars episode V, we have the battle of Hoth, the Empire has found the new Rebel base and starts an epic ground assault to take over the base, and they attempt to prevent the Rebels from escaping. In Star Wars Rogue One, the Rebels are attempting to steal the Death Star plans from a data vault. They try to sneak in but they are discovered and an epic battle ensues on the planet and in space.         

Although some battles live up to the hype, others do not. This does not mean that they are terrible, just not up to fan expectations. Star Wars episode VIII has an epic final battle on Crait and the Resistance is pinned in a bunker without a way to escape. The only ships the Resistance can use are old clunkers; a major disadvantage for the heroes. Then Luke comes back and distracts the First Order, while the Resistance finds a way out. This fell short in the eyes of fans because the Resistance finds a way to escape, instead of a major conflict with the First Order like the fans were expecting.  In episode III,  the Chancellor has been captured by the Separatists and the Republic mounts an epic space assault to save him. Anakin and Obi-Wan board a huge ship and fight through many enemies to rescue Chancellor Palpatine. This battle fell short because the majority of the scenes are dedicated to saving the Chancellor; the fans would have wanted a drawn out space battle. While Star Wars has displayed many great battles, some have fallen short in the eyes of fans.  

#3 Star Wars means something different to different fans

       Star Wars is unique in that it appeals to different people for a variety of reasons. These different reasons, hopes, or dreams for Star Wars often divide the fanbase. I personally still enjoy Star Wars; I grew up watching the original trilogy and the prequels. These movies spoke to me as a kid. Star Wars is a story about a boy who came from humble circumstances as a farmer that later saved the galaxy. I felt if Luke could do that, I could be whoever I wanted to be. I cherished these stories, because I learned courage as a kid, if Luke could stand up to the Empire, I could stand up for what I knew was right and overcome adversity. That is why I am fond of Star Wars. I have met fans who like Star Wars because it takes you to far away places where you meet new creatures. I have met other fans who enjoy the space battles and even some fans who root for the Empire to win. There is only 2 hours in a film and in that limited time the directors cannot feasibly appeal to all of the fanbase.

#1 Unrealistic expectations of fans

The directors of Star Wars movies are under a tremendous amount of pressure, to both please the fanbase and make money for the studio that is creating Star Wars. As was previously stated, Rey could only have one parentage, the director made a choice about her parentage, and many fans were disappointed. Some fans want Kylo Ren and Rey to become a couple and that hasn’t happened yet. Many fans believe that Luke did not behave like they would have wanted or expected in episode VIII. Luke Skywalker, in episode VIII, was a man who was beaten, who didn’t want to save the galaxy. According to some fans and critics, Star Wars episode VII was too similar to episode IV. As a result of the reviews from Star Wars VII, the movie studio decided to make a radically different and new film in Star Wars episode VIII, but they drew mixed reviews from audience and critics alike. The directors are in a tough situation to please a passionate fanbase.

To add to this pressure that is put on them from the fans, the directors films are expected to be successful. Fans have specific expectations rising from the fan theories and fan arguments; almost every fan has someway they want these movies to play out. The directors have to make specific decisions about plot and character development; these specific decisions can alienate different factions of the fanbase. To even further stress out the directors, Disney bought Star Wars for four billion dollars and they expect to make a significant of money off of this investment.          

#2 The need to appeal to different audiences

    In order for Star Wars to be profitable, it needs to appeal to multiple audiences not just the fanatical fanbase. There is the occasional moviegoer, for whom the movie would have to be simple and easy to understand. No need to talk about parsecs and gundarks. Another audience is kids, they want to see the hero triumph, they want to be filled with hope that they can overcome their challenges, that good will triumph over evil. Finally there are fanboys or the fanbase, the polar opposite of the occasional movie viewer. The fanboys want to study the movie, find all the easter eggs, and have the movie play out how they would want or expect based off of extensive research.   

Disney is supposed to appeal to all these different audiences and that seems impossible. Just imagine what would happen if directors tried to appease everyone, the movie would be long, confusing, and the plot wouldn’t make sense. With all these things that make Star Wars likeable to different audiences, now the creators have to please everyone and that is not a realistic expectation for the creators to fulfill all of our hopes or desires.

#3 At least we still have Star Wars

    Many critics believed that the prequels would have stopped Star Wars because of their low quality and poor reception from audiences, but they were wrong. The fanbase, although divided, is very strong, they clamor for new releases, holding hope in the face of past disappointments for good movies. After a Star Wars trilogy is finished, there is often a break between films.  There was a sixteen year gap between episodes VI and I, and a ten year gap between episode III and VII. Episode I made 1.027 billion dollars, and episode VII made 2.066 billion dollars because the fans came out and got excited about Star Wars coming back. When a new trailer comes out, there is a lot of hype because of the passionate fanbase. I still get excited every time a new trailer comes out. We as fans should be optimistic that Star Wars will get better and at the very least Star Wars will continue on for a long time.  

Conclusion

Every fan has some way we would like the series to play out. We all want our version of Star Wars to be the one that comes out in theaters which is not realistic, but that’s ok. The Star Wars fanbase is very passionate and that passion makes us hard to please. Disney is trying to please the fanbase and they are creating exciting Star Wars content coming out soon; such as the mandalorian tv show, and the clone wars tv show reboot. We as fans, should be grateful that Star Wars is still going, and that it’s future is bright.

I made lyrics to HeroAca’s OST. This is Bombing King’s.

Lyrics:

Come at me with all you've got I'm not here to play anyone's games You can't stop me now I'll rise up, to the top I'll make you witness me!

Forged in fire, Burst from palms I'm centered and I wreck the calm Won't be ignored You'll hear my roar!

I'm the Bombing King!! You can't match up!!

What could it be, What is it that you see? What will come from me, Destiny?

How am I suppose to feel?

You are beneathe me, but you will rise above... I can't ignore this now.

I will have to fight.

You've seen me at my worst But I'm not done yet I'll make you regret having no faith in me, at all!

So listen up, to me I am the Bombing King!! Here to stake my claim! I am here to reign!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Lyric Breakdown: 

[Bombing King!! is actually the first OST I wrote lyrics for. I could hear them so clearly in my head that I finally just wrote them all down. It's one of my favourite pieces, and it's hard to say that because there is so much good music in theis series. Anyway, this is all Bakugo. And I mean All of Bakugo.]

[The music starts off with a harsh guitar riff and pounding drums; pretty self explanatory.]

Come at me with all you've got I'm not here to play anyone's games You can't stop me now I'll rise up, to the top I'll make you witness me!

["Come at me with all you've got" Dub watchers will know the beauty of adding this here, but it was the clearest thing that set me off to writing this in the first place. Bakugo wants everything the world can throw at him. Because if he can  get past it all, he'd be the best, no doubt. 

Do not fuck with him, this isn't a game, and yet it's one he's set out to win. He's got drive and momentum, and barring how hard the narrative punishes him, he's still going. 

"I'll rise up to the top" This is Bakugo from the beginning, his good and bad. It's this drive that's fueling him, but it's also what's caused him a lot of pain. What would he be willing to do to reach the top? Considering who the narrative has compared him to... And yet, he's a character worth betting on. 

"I'll make you witness me" Funny story about this lyric, it came to mind because of Mad Max: Fury Road. I'd never seen the Mad Max films, but over the holidays I had an opportunity to finally watch them (thanks Alphedhel!) and "Witness Me" struck me immediately. I LOVE that line, it's both parts hilarious and a little inspiring, and I immediately thought of Kacchan. It stuck with me ever since, and when I decided to write lyrics, it immediately came to mind. A perfect fit!]

"Forged in fire, Burst from palms I'm centered and I wreck the calm Won't be ignored You'll hear my roar!

I'm the Bombing King!! You can't match up!!"

[I love this set. It just gets me in that way, you know??

 "Forged in fire, Burst from palms" He's got an explosion quirk, what do you want from me lol. Fire is two-fold here, his quirk is Explosion, and his drive is a fire, a raging inferno. 

"Burst from palms" not only refering to how his quirk is ignited, but symbolic of his own hard work, what he puts into his training to become a hero. His own two hands, to build himself up. 

"I'm centered and I wreck the calm" No matter how chaotic Bakugo is, no matter how gnarly or vicious, he's still got a level head with the smarts to back it up. I pulled this lyric from thinking about the USJ. Kirishima sees through him right away. He may be explosive, but Bakugo is perceptive. 

"Won't be ignored" "You'll hear my roar" pretty self-explanatory overall. Bakugo hates being ignored. So he'll be the loudest motherfucker on the planet if he has to be. 

"I'm the Bombing King!!" Lyrical nod to the title. I really want Bombing King to be Bakugo's hero name, it's fucking perfect.]

[The first half of the lyrics are Bakugo from the outside. From the punk kid from the start, to the true genius he's displayed himself to be time and time again.]

-Musical Interlude-

[A quiet reflection. Beautiful and graceful with the violins' melody. There's more to Bakugo than being brash and destructive.][You Say Run's motif, through heavily changed, is played, showing that Bakugo truly is a hero at heart.]

"What could it be, What is it that you see? What will come from me, Destiny?"

[""What could it be, What is it that you see?" This is in reference to all of the people who see Bakugo's potential. From Deku and Kirishima, to Aizawa, his parents, and his friends. No matter how harsh and brash and utterly barbaric he is and paints himself to be, no matter how haughty and prideful, these people have seen through him. They know his want to be a hero, his capacity for compassion, his willingness to learn, his insecurities, they know Bakugo. And yet, even he doubts himself. Is everything that happens his own fault? Is he being punished by the universe? What did he do to deserve such kindness and openness? Isn't he the one everyone is amazed yet terrified by? Hated and envied? It's the first time in his life he's truly being taught and experiencing true growth. It's quite the upset. 

"What will come from me, Destiny?" Where will Bakugo go from here? What will he face? How will he deal with what the world throws at him? What of him will the world actually get to know? So far, they paint him a potential villain. Vicious and degenerate. But he wants to be a hero too... Will the world ever see his true ambitions? Will he even be given the opportunity?]

"How am I suppose to feel?

You are beneathe me, but you will rise above... I can't ignore this now.

I will have to fight."

["How am I supposed to feel" has multiple meanings. 

How is he supposed to feel about himself and the world where he's trying to make his mark? How is he supposed to feel about his own ambitions? Is winning all he cares about now? With whom do his compassions lie? Bakugo has made progress, yes, but it is so very easy to slip back into old habits. He also doesn't know how to feel about Deku. Deku who is beneath him, will rise above as All Might's successor. And Bakugo knows that he can't ignore Deku's progress. He can't ignore the new state of the world. He can't ignore that the world needs Deku to become the Symbol of Hope. He is equal parts pissed and resigned. Deku, useless, worthless, quirkless Deku NEEDS Bakugo in his corner. For the sake of the world, Deku needs Bakugo to become an ally. So he'll fight. All those in their way, and the all the detractors, and himself. If Bakugo wants to be a hero, it's time to wrestle with past convictions and become stronger. This time, together.]

"You've seen me at my worst But I'm not done yet I'll make you regret having no faith in me, at all!"

[Kirishima has seen Bakugo when he was at his nastiest, most vicious time, and yet chose to see past that and befriend him for the true person he is and could be. Deku has taken the brunt of Bakugo's bullying for years, the one Bakugo HATED, and yet Midoriya is the one who's seen Bakugo at his most pivitol moments, moments of anger, of suffering, of guilt, of self-destruction, and more, and Bakugo is still the greatest to Midoriya. His source of inspiration and motivation. 

The world has seen the terrible attitude of Bakugo Katsuki and has written him off as a future villain, but because of that, he'll fight back. He'll make them regret thinking anything of that sort, because damn it! Bakugo fucking Katsuki will be one of the greatest damn heroes they have ever laid their eyes on!]

"So listen up, to me I am the Bombing King!! Here to stake my claim! I am here to reign!"

[Self-explanatory. Bakugo never backs down from a challenge. So hear his decree. He'll show you what he's made of.]

Quick Bombing King!! OST Analysis

Artwork for Lyrics

Welcome back to Norway, Acar

This is for the wonderful @savedbythespell for the @yousanaexchange secret santa! This is a Persuasion AU (the jane austen book) that I've wanted to do for a while and decided to finally start for you Anisha! Turns out it was a bad idea because it ended up being 26 pages and 5 chapters long which isn't easy to write when you have a lot of school work. So it it feels a little clumsy and rushed at times, I apologise. I'm a bit sick as I'm posting this so I also apologise for any spelling mistakes or mistakes of any kind. I love Persuasion and Yousana so I just hope I did right by them in a way. It can be read as a continuation of canon rather than an AU.

I’m so happy I got Anisha as my giftee and it was so much fun sto send you questions and I just hope you’re going to love this as much as I love the idea of it!! <333

- Sana ? Sana ? Can you come please ? With a sigh, Sana stands up from the sofa where she has been trying to read for the last hour to go check on her nephew. As her parents have moved out to the country to take a break while their apartment is being renovated, Sana is staying at her big brother's house with Jamilla which is why she is baby sitting now while they are out for dinner. Because although she does have a job -hence why she couldn’t leave Oslo-, she still lives with her parents. She never thought she’d stay with them for so long, she never thought that, at 27 years old, she would be a grown-up living with her parents while everyone else that she knows is independent. But Sana is the first one to know that dreams don’t always come true and that you have to accept what life gives you and make the best of it . She’s past the time when she thought that fighting and complaining could make any change in her life.

She opens the door to the bedroom to find her nephew sitting in his bed, eyes wide opened with furrowed brows. - What is it, sweetheart ? It’s really late now, you should be sleeping. - Something is troubling me and I can’t rest ! She chuckles at the way her nephew speaks. He loves to read and has started to speak in a more « grown-up manner » to make himself more  « likely to become a hero ». « What’s troubling you ? », she asks. -Well, he replies, you know that dinner that Mama and Papa went to ? I think I know why they didn’t bring me and I feel bad about it.

Although Sana would very much appreciate it if no mention of this dinner were made ever again, she answers « Uh uh, what is this reason then ? ». Her nephew looks up at her as she sits on the side of the bed « You know that the neighbours invited Mama and Papa because their cousin has come to live with them ? » Oh, she knows ! She knows with every fibre of her being that Maria’s cousin is in the apartment on the other side of the entrance door. She’s painfully aware of it. « Well, I think that maybe they didn’t bring me because yesterday I broke a vase, remember ? And so they didn’t want me to meet the cousin and make a bad impression because I don’t behave well when they are too many people around me because I get excited and also Maria said she was making a chocolate cake and I love chocolate cake ! I just wished I could have told them how well I was going to behave and how the cousin would have loved me ! Don’t you think he would have loved me ? »

« Who wouldn’t love you ? You’re the best little boy on the planet ! » And the cousin loved kids anyway so of course he would have loved her nephew, he was so good with kids she remembers. « The real reason why they didn’t bring you is because they’re going to be out until late which is not good for a little boy so don’t you worry any more and go to sleep now. »

She closes the door behind her as she leaves his room, wondering how it was possible that the sound of her heartbeat didn’t put him off sleep even more as it seems to be banging as loud as a drum in her ears. Sana leans on the wall repeating to herself that it’s no good to be so affected by the simple mention of him-without even his name said out loud !-, that it’s all in the past now and that there’s no point in her being emotionally compromised by something that happened so long ago and probably means nothing to anyone (especially him) any more. She goes back to reading her book, focusing on getting her mind off of the dinner happening on the other side of the building. She scolds herself for reading the same sentence ten times as she was picturing the laughter and conversation around the dinner table, as she was picturing him, smiling, laughing, talking...She tosses her book aside and turns on the television, getting lost in a random episode of a random tv show where people’s life are at stakes and much more complicated than her own plain one.

It happens the next day. The thing she’s been dreading and - although she would never admit it to herself- expecting for years.

It’s around four in the afternoon when Sana , who is playing with her nephew in his room , having picked him from school after work, hears voices in the living room. The unexpected voices, one of whom is her brother’s, peak her nephew’s interest and he drags her into the living room. She barely manages to grab her scarf and wrap it quickly around her head with her free hand before they find her brother and two men standing in the living room. She hears the man on her brother’s left greeting her warmly but she barely manages to answer anything else than a weak hello without even looking in his direction. The man on the right is taking up all her attention . He hasn’t changed much, she thinks. Different haircut, different outfit but same eyes and face and height and hands and stance and everything else. She suddenly feels smaller face to face with him. It seems surreal that he could be here, in her brother’s living room. Handsome and wonderful as ever. Standing in front of her, looking at her as though he had never met her before.

Yousef. Her first love . The one whose heart she broke. 

Read the whole story (yes the whole 5 chapters mess of it) on AO3

Side-note: the girls squad isn't in this fic because it was too complicated for me to make them fit into the persuasion story so let's just imagine that they're away for work or something but still very much great friends. 

also realistic timeline? don’t know her? 

lots of details not explained properly? I know her.

all i know abt transformers is the shia movie and the fact that darren criss plays one in the cartoons i think? should i get into transformers is what i'm asking

Oh god this is my favorite question. I’m not sure how to answer it but its my fave. Pull up a chair. I hope you’ve got some time on your hands.

The short answer: yes. You should at least give it a try. Transformers is a 30+ year old muti-media franchise that gets rebooted almost every 3 years so it basically has something interesting to offer almost any fan. If you end up not liking it that’s cool but there’s a lot to try before you decide.

The long answer is: yes you should and here’s why and here’s a rough idea of all the options you have to sample. I’m about to go on a long rant anon so you can check it out now or later or whatever but I’m just warning you ahead of time.

The basic Transformers plot (which I’m sure you know but I’m gonna go more in depth in a minute) is that a race of giant robot aliens who can turn into vehicles and other things have been engaged in a civil war that has lasted millions of years. This is the basic plot that all tf franchises spawn from although some explore slightly different subject matters. If that doesn’t appeal to you I mean there /might/ be a few other things you might find worth sticking around for because there’s just so fucking much of it, but you’re welcome to turn back now because that’s the basic things tf has to offer: giant robot aliens, cars and planes, fighting, some drama. Those are what tf is best at, with some variation.

It has a very active and long lived fan base and each section of the fan base is interested in different stuff with some crossover. There are people who literally only care about collecting the toys, people who wont try any other series except g1, people who only like the comics, etc. Etc. You’ll probably find people who like what you do pretty readily. If you like the toys there are toy forums and blogs. If you like the cartoons there are forums and blogs made for that too. If you like the comics, same. There’s a pretty active following of the comics and cartoon series on Tumblr alone; I would try searching the #maccadam tag since most tf activity has been moved there since the bay movies came out. Id also use the tf wiki liberally because it has pm all the information you’ll need to know about the fandom and the canon lore. There’s also plenty of fan fiction on Ao3 and ff.net if you’re into that and pm anyplace that hosts fan art has tf fan art.

Now there are several series, including comics, cartoons, the Michael bay films, the cartoon movie, spin off books, and video games. I’m gonna go over my personal favorites because I like and know them best but there are more than these if you’re interested in digging deeper.

(More under the cut)

G1: there are a lot of forms of what fans refer to as Generation 1 or G1 but if you live in the US its likely they’re talking about the very first cartoon series.

Summary: the autobots and the decepticons stripped their planet of resources and went looking for a new planet to continue surviving on. They both crashlanded on earth where they lay dormant for millions of years until conveniently awakened somewhere during the 1980s, where they continue their war all over again

Why you should try it: listen its cheesy as hell and full of nonsense plotlines and animation errors but not only is it good fun but at least watching an episode or two might give you a decent grasp on what spawned this enormous franchise in the first place.

G1 movie: this movie was a game changer. Its technically right in the middle of the g1 cartoon but it works as a standalone film too. while it has many trappings of the cartoon its better animated and has a more consistent and dramatic story.

Summary: Optimus Prime and Megatron fight, OP dies (yes he fucking DIES for the very first time. thousands of 10 year olds bawl their eyes out), Megatron gets mortally wounded, and the Matrix of Leadership (aka an autobot holy item/macguffin [this is the proto-cube btw]) has to choose a new leader.

Why you should try it: decent animation, classics lines, tons of 80s rock music, and it establishes a lot of tf conventions that would be carried over to all series that come after it.

Beast Wars: haha the 90s couldn’t be left out of the transformers fun, now could it? This was one of the first all-cg cartoon series in history and while its not much to look at nowadays, it was a big step in the 90s.

Summary: the series doesn’t center on Optimus Prime and Megatron but their decendants. The war is long over but some factions are starting to clash once again. Several members of these factions do the whole “crash land on earth while fighting” thing except they wake up during times before humans and instead of taking vehicle modes, they take animal forms, thus the name.

Why you should give it a try: it establishes the idea of Sparks for the first time, it has historical significance in the cgi realm, and it has a decent storyline with interesting characters. If you can muscle through the 90s-computer-animation look it might be the show for you!

Transformers: Animated: I dont think its a secret that this is one of my favorite tf series of all times. It was the first cartoon series I ever watched of tf and it also features my favorite toy line.

Summary: Optimus Prime is much less a war hero and more of a ..janitor really. He flunked out of the academy and spends his time repairing space bridges. One time during repairs though, they stumble across the Cube and just their luck, Megatron and some nearby cons are looking for it. They portal away to earth where they, you guessed it, crashland, until they’re awoken sometime in the future and go on adventures in futuristic Detroit.

Why you should give it a try: I like tfa’s art style and story and characterisation best tbh; Optimus is younger and more unsure of himself but also more earnest, with more visible baggage. The rest of his team feel like a ragtag band of misfits (which I have a weakness for no lie lmfao) who are still trying to find their place in this conflict and the future ahead of them. Sari is also one of the more beloved human companions and the show’s take on classics characters feels fresh and interesting, and the interpretation of the autobots and decepticons themselves is surprisingly nuanced.

Transformers: Prime: remember that 90s animation? Kiss that shit good bye my friend. This cgi is some beautiful shit. More than a few fans wish tfp is the art direction the movies had taken, storyline aside.

Summary: the autobots are already on earth, staking it out and fighting a more subdued sort of conflict with the cons. One day they get some human kids involved and stumble across some conspiracy shit and it all spirals out of control from there.

Why you should give it a try: great animation and atmosphere, gorgeous character designs, a solid interpretation go the characters, and it offers a more serious take on the story over all.

Rescue Bots: I’ve noticed this show doesn’t make the list a lot which is a shame? It has a much younger audience than any of then other series but its still quality and one of my fave tf series.

Summary: the ship of four non-combatants who were left in stasis before the war detect a transmission telling autobots to go to earth, so it…goes to earth. There they wake up on some island and are told they’ve gotta start building a repatoire with the native species…but they can’t reveal that they’re sentient aliens yet.

Why you should give it a try: ok ok, most of the series are made for 7-12 year olds with the teen and adult fans sort of in mind, this show…is a show made for pre-K kids, no joke. Its a lot less…murder-y, and this is especially saying something because it came out at the same time TFP did and in fact is supposed to take place in the same universe!

BUT, but it has a consistently well-written story and characterization, it addresses stuff I never thought it would, and its a nice break from the ridiculously high stakes of the other series. Honestly Rescue Bots is great and I wish more people talked about it because its a series totally worth watching, certainly as much as any of the others.

More Than Meets the Eye comics: there are a lot of comic series but so far this is my favorite one lol

Summary: the war is over, Optimus is done with everyone’s shit and splits the matrix in half, giving one to rodimus and they other to bumblebee. And what does roddy do with his newfound matrix half? Decide he’s going on a quest of course! And who better to go with than literally every unqualified misfit the autobot and neutral factions have to offer?

Why you should give it a try: ridiculous shenanigans, horror, drama, intrigue, strong characterisation, and a killer aesthetic. Damn it may not always give me what I want but its got a lot of exactly what I’m always looking for.

There are some video games (Fall of Cybertron, War For Cybertron, Transformers: Devastation), other comic series (Robots in Disguise, G1/UK comics), and the Robots in Disguise cartoon, however I don’t have a decent enough grasp on them to describe them super well I just know they’re pretty good and have had people recommend them to me. You’re welcome to try those as well of course.

Also if you’re into toy collecting or want to get into it there’s a lot of materials you can read and such but my personal advice is pretty simple:

1) go to walmart, target, a store that sells collectibles, a convention, or a garage sale

2) buy a cheap toy that you like. Don’t spend over like $20

3) decide if that was a fun experience or not and if you like having this toy or not

If you liked it enough to keep buying, then congrats, toy collecting might be right for you! Do your research, Don’t blow too much money too quickly, take it easy, have fun.

But yeah sorry this is really long but I do hope you consider giving transformers a try since I know I love it a lot and it really has a lot to offer. I hope this wasn’t like…a crazy response. That a crazy person might give. And that I didn’t scare you away or anything XS

the key is to try some stuff and have fun and if its not your thing that’s cool too! Have a chill night anon

The Path to Avengers: Endgame. Part 12 of 21--Ant-Man

Observations and opinions. Feel free to disagree. I ain’t trying to convince you of nothing. Ant-Man begins flashing back to the 80s. Hank Pym, the original Ant-Man, doesn’t get along with Howard Stark. Pym has created a juice that can change the very fabric of reality. In other words, it can make things small. His protege wants to make things small for evil purposes. He must be stopped. Pym isn’t up for the fight, so he recruits Scott Lang, a burglar with a heart of gold, to do the tiny heavy lifting for him.

For years, all I knew about Ant-Man was what I learned from Garrett Morris playing him on Saturday Night Live. Morris said he could shrink to the size of an ant and still have the strength of a human. Then the other superheroes mocked him for having the strength of a human. That all changed when the announcement came that Edgar Wright had been hired to write and direct Ant-Man. Wright is one of the most creative and exciting directors working today. He was an inspired choice. Giddy-up!!!

Let me recommend a video to you lovers of film:  The late, great Every Frame a Painting did a piece on how Edgar Wright towers above other modern comedy directors. They compare and contrast his movies to other comedies. Wright knows he’s working in cinema and he knows how to use all of the cinematic tools at his disposal to imbue his movies with life and imagination.  It’s on YouTube. Search for "Edgar Wright - How to do Visual Comedy". It’s good stuff— even though it barely scratches the surface of what Wright does. But clips are taken from R rated movies, so prepare your sensibilities. 

Onto Ant-Man’s title: Marvel does Iron [space] Man or Ant [dash] Man and Spider [dash] Man. Whereas, DC is pretty consistent about letting no daylight shine through in their compound nouns, e.g., Batman, Superman, Aquaman… Although, if they were truly consistent, she would be “Wonderwoman”. 

This is the first new character to get its own movie since The Avengers formed— except for the Guardians, I guess. This is the second first new character to get its own movie since The Avengers formed. And after the epic Age of Ultron, Ant-Man is a nice downsizing in scope — in more ways than one. This pattern is repeated later, going from Infinity War to Ant-Man and the Wasp. Both seem like a chance to catch a breath and have a few laughs.

Speaking of funny, how can you not like Paul Rudd as Scott Lang? He has a nice, easy, natural charm. He’s a likable actor and an unlikely superhero. This is also the first time we see a Marvel hero as a parent with a child. A child child, that is. You know, of childlike age. It’s nice to see and immediately gives the hero stakes worth fighting for. 

As I’m writing this I’m realizing that Hawkeye had kids in the previous movie. His kids were just kind of thrown in there, weren’t they? I just watched Ultron a few days ago but I have no mental image of his kids. Now that I think about it, they should have been used to better effect. Total extinction of the planet was at stake and I don’t remember Barton being concerned about his kids. He did look at their picture during the final battle. Am I forgetting something? Am I being unfair? Lang’s little girl is a major part of his motivation. That is new. And that makes him more relatable than other characters.

Anyway, back to speaking about funny, Michael Pena might have the best comic performance in a Marvel movie. Maybe. There's a lot of good ones, but he's a solid contender.  In fact, some of the TV ads that came out after the movie was released focused on him. Well deserved. 

Heyley Atwell, Agent Carter, is the first and only person to be with the two different Howard actors, Dominic Cooper and John Slattery. But that’s not too surprising since the only other character John Slattery had previously been seen with was Tony as a tyke in Iron Man 2. As noted in The First Avenger, Bucky had no scenes with the younger Howard. Civil War hindsight being 20/20, that’s a missed opportunity.

Michael Douglas is the first in a series of actors to get the de-aging treatment— Robert Downey Jr. in Civil War, Kurt Russel in GotG II, Samuel L. Jackson and Clark Gregg in Captain Marvel, Michell Pfeiffer and Laurence Fishburne in Ant-Man and the Wasp, and Zoe Saldana in Infinity War. 

Scott Lang gets a job at Baskin Robbins. I wonder if he works at the same Baskin Robbins as Saul Goodman. Son of Zorn is the Baskin Robbins customer!!! I hope his dad becomes an Avenger for Endgame. They could use the help- and I hear they have some openings. Also, what happened to Son of Zorn?  It was a funny show.  

Edgar Wright has a trilogy of movies called the Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy-- Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and The World’s End. It’s about as loose of a trilogy as it can be. It’s a trilogy because in each movie the someone eats the same fictional brand of ice cream. Wright should have had Lang working at a Cornetto Ice Cream shop instead of Baskin Robbins to turn the trilogy into a quartet. Quartet? Is that what's one more than a trilogy?

I love Falcon’s cameo. Returning characters appearing in unexpected ways is one of my favorite things about these movies. Although, I do have a problem with how he arrived on the scene. I can buy a man shrinking to the size of an ant. I can buy a man controlling ants with his mind. But Falcon responding to a sensor that is set off by ants? That I cannot abide. Maybe they have high tech pest control at Avengers HQ.

I wonder if Edgar Wright ever had Captain America in his script. He had worked with Chris Evans on Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Brie Larson is also in that movie. That's both Captains. Martin Freeman is in all three of Wright’s Three Flavours Cornetto trilogy. David Bradley is in two of those movies. He gets killed off by Red Skull in the beginning of The First Avenger. Wright has a long history with MCU actors.

The biggest problem with this movie is the Hank/Hope relationship. The conflict between them is deep-seeded, complicated and should be emotional. But It's mostly in the backstory. And the backstory is all done with exposition. Then it's resolved with dialogue. It’s not the least bit visual. Hank leaving SHIELD is done with a flashback. Janet disappearing after going subatomic is done in flashback. 

Hank says Hope never looked at him the same after Janet disappeared. Why didn’t they show a glimpse of that in flashback? Hope had the deciding vote to cast her father out of his own company. That sounds like a crushing moment for Pym. Why isn’t that in flashback? This whole subplot couldn’t be less cinematic if they tried. This isn’t Edgar Wright’s typical style at all. This is the kind of laziness Every Frame a Painting contrasted against Edgar Wright’s work to make him look good. This is very disappointing.

Do I come across as not liking this movie? I have mostly quibbles. I love this movie. It’s loads of fun.

I like that Lang says, “Our first move should be calling the Avengers.” Pym responds, “This could change the texture of reality. Besides, they’re probably too busy dropping cities out of the sky.” Hank Pym created Ultron in the comics. He better hope that texture of reality doesn’t change too much. He’s not blameless in another reality. 

Earlier, Scott flies across a newspaper with the headline “Who’s to blame fo Sokovia?” Fun tidbit. 

The ability to control ants creeps me out a little. I can’t stop thinking about Killgrave. He is a great, creepy villain in Jessica Jones. His mind-control powers are a big part of his creepiness. I wonder if the ant world sees Pym and Lang as their Killgrave. To deactivate a bomb, Janet had to go subatomic so she could go through solid titanium. That small, how was she big enough to deactivate the bomb? I want to understand.

Hank Pym likes to remember his wife by looking at a picture of her hat. If they ever do recuts of these movies like they do with Star Wars, they should insert Michelle Pfieffer into that old picture of Hank and Janet. It’s a little odd that Hank’s favorite picture of his long lost wife doesn’t include her face.

Although this movie is a lot of fun, after reading Edgar Wright worked on it for eight years, I have to say, the directing and editing is a disappointing. I mean, Baby Driver came out just two years later and it is filled with verve and visual delights. Clearly, the director had much more of passion and panache in the latter's case. In comparison, the directing style of Ant-Man leaves the charisma of the actors to carry the movie—which is fine.  They do it well. 

Speaking of which: Michael Pena drives the last scene with more of Luis' storytelling. In the last bit of dialogue in the movie, he alludes to Spider-man. This is the first hint of Marvel’s most popular character. Marvel had been wrangling over rights to Spidey with Sony for years. He’s coming home. As an aside, there are a couple people in Wright’s Hot Fuzz with their faces painted like Spider-Man. It was almost prescient, like it was meant to be. Wait. What? Who’s Peyton Reed? Stan Lee Cameo— Bartender lip syncing to Luis’ story. Mid-Credits Scene— Hope gets a suit Post-Credits Scene— Sam knows a guy Returning Characters— Howard Stark, Peggy Carter, Falcon, Captain America, Bucky

Feature: SXSW Film 2017

In Drib, one of the selections at this year’s SXSW, the film’s subject invokes critic Manny Farber’s comparison between “termite art” and “white elephant art” — more or less the difference between art made in the margins and that created with the blessings of prestige. It is useful to reflect on this difference in light of the festival itself, which has, over the past decade, transformed from music fest sidebar, to bastion of zero-budget filmmaking, and finally to red carpet premiere destination for studio and higher-budget indies. As SXSW has evolved into more of a marquee American film festival, it has sometimes struggled to balance its new life as a celeb destination with its name-making reputation for finding, and sustaining, new voices with unusual ideas. It is maybe telling that some of the filmmakers first nourished by the festival have returned this year with their most accessible films to date — and yet, the festival’s programmers have remained committed to finding space (sometimes, indeed, on their program’s margins) for emerging filmmakers trying to find something else. This dialogue between the mainstream and the underground gives SXSW a lot of its particular flavor, and part of the excitement of being here is the potential to stumble into films you didn’t even know you were looking for. What follows is an imperfect hunt through the festival’s underbrush. Some movies that are very much worth your consideration — particularly Janicza Bravo’s Lemon, Erik Ljung’s The Blood Is At the Doorstep, Mónica Álvarez Franco’s The Cloud Forest, and Yuri Ancarani’s The Challenge — are overlooked, which is regrettable, but you should find those movies and watch them. –Dylan Pasture --- Rat Film (dir. Theo Anthony) The only film at this year’s SXSW I was hard-pressed to find anyone with a bad thing to say about it, Rat Film charts the history of vermin control in Baltimore to weave a dense parable about the city’s legacy of racial segregation. Anthony pulls from many sources (interview, portraiture, primitive 3D imagery, android narration, historical record) to bring hard, damning evidence about who is valued — and who gets thrown away — in America. Anthony shows his skill as a filmmaker by saying much of this through his imagery, which is frequently unforgettable, and does the heavy lifting of tying complex ideas together naturally. If the film has any weakness, it’s that the visionary rat-controlled sound generator by Baltimorean Dan Deacon (who also contributes the score here) gets frustratingly little screen time. A great film that speaks intelligently to the long, horrific road that led to this period in American history, and whose closing image will haunt you for the rest of your days. --- Lucky (dir. John Carroll Lynch) A kind of special effects-driven movie where the “effect” is age, Lucky (the first feature from beloved character actor John Carroll Lynch) is defined by its lead performance from Harry Dean Stanton. Ninety years old and still going, Stanton seems to be the film’s reason for being, and the legendary actor gives the picture more than just a presence: co-written by Stanton’s longtime assistant Logan Sparks, the script borrows much from the man’s biography to tell the low key story of a long-retired crank shuffling through a lifetime’s worth of regret in a marginal desert town. It is quirky in the way we now expect ‘indie’ films to be, and full of the sort of big moments often found in films directed by actors, but Lucky has heart, is stacked with memorable cameos (Tom Skerritt’s one scene soliloquy is a highlight), and stays enlivened by Stanton’s easygoing, “I’m here for the cigarettes” performance. Plus, you get to watch Stanton and longtime friend/collaborator David Lynch (no relation to John Carroll) bounce lines off each other for what feels like half the movie (Lynch looks pretty good in a hat, in case you were wondering). --- Easy Living (dir. Adam Keleman) As driven by its lead as Lucky but in every other way made on a different planet, Easy Living is the sort of movie one hopes to find at film festivals but rarely does: independent, personal, and bonkers. Director Adam Keleman’s vision of an alcoholic makeup saleswoman (an incredible Caroline Dhavernas) starts off with a familiar dynamic: will our hero clean up her act, or stay a trainwreck forever? At times edging into Lifetime movie territory, Keleman gradually ups the crazy while matched step for step by Dhavernas’s willingness to “go there.” By the time the film hits its out of nowhere third act, you just kind of have to go along for the trip, unforgettable dialysis machine sequence and all. Like a pizza with every topping, Easy Living gives you more than you ever asked for: melodrama, high camp, robberies, townies, a primer on small business loans, and an ultimately sincere look at the difficulties of living life on your own terms. In a film culture that withholds so much, it is refreshing, for once, to be granted plenty. --- Satan Said Dance (dir. Kasia Roslaniec) The third feature from Polish auteur Kasia Roslaniec has a curious double life: though screened here in a feature-length cut for festival purposes, Satan Said Dance was conceived as a nonlinear, interactive piece in which viewers use an app to assemble its scenes into a sequence of their choice. Though the official synopsis describes it as an “Instagram film,” this is simply a film through and through. Telling the transfiguration story of a fledgling novelist who crashes, burns, and comes back to life (not necessarily in that order) through the crucible of the European hipster party world, Satan embraces the fragmented feeling of online videos to more deeply capture its protagonist’s view of the world. The avalanche of party scenes can feel repetitive, and in this viewer’s opinion not all of the sequences work — but in taking the risk to find a new language native to this era instead of just cynically throwing together an app-based social media campaign, Roslaniec deserves a lot of credit for succeeding at the high level she does. That the filmmaker asks you to decide for yourself what works and what doesn’t provides a freedom few directors allow or encourage, a trait which, in its best moments, makes Satan Said Dance seem nearly heroic. Here’s hoping that other filmmakers act on the challenge Roslaniec has thrown down. --- Sylvio (dir. Albert Birney) Another, very different film drawn from the landscape of the internet, Sylvio began life as “Simply Sylvio,” a long-running series of Vine videos starring the eponymous anthropomorphic gorilla. The Vines were charming and, well, simple, qualities that largely carry over into the creature’s feature length debut. Co-directed by “Sylvio” creator Albert Birney and SXSW legend Kentucker Audley (the man who put “Movies” on a hat), the film grafts an underdog-battles-the-odds plot (and a backstory) onto its silent star, throwing the hapless ape into a quest to save a local public access talk show while staying true to his autobiographical puppet show (long story). Slight and stunningly low-stakes, Sylvio is at its best when it relies on what the Vines did well: deadpan physical comedy and Sylvio’s natural charm. Those with a weakness for meticulous production design and tender fantasy will most likely fall for the yearnings of this young, sensitive primate trying to find his place in a mixed-up crazy world. --- Person To Person (dir. Dustin Guy Defa) Can kindness be a radical act? Person To Person seems to suggest as much, and your appreciation for it will probably depend on your ability to accept a film on terms this gentle. Set over one ambling, reasonably paced day in New York City (and one with really nice weather to boot), Dustin Guy Defa’s follow up to SXSW alum Bad Fever is as open-hearted and pleasant as his debut was one long angst nightmare. Defa has made a series of accomplished shorts between these two features (including the excellent introduction to this film’s “Bene” character from 2014, also titled Person To Person), and one can’t help but see this latest work as the culmination of his half-decade of experimenting with character. Though the film features some recognizable faces (Michael Cera and Abbi Jacobson maybe most of all), Defa privileges nobody and depends on his full ensemble, building a series of stories that don’t so much interlock as run parallel to create a unified, lightly connected image of city life. Person is probably nails on a chalkboard to somebody not receptive to its particular, breezy vibe; this viewer, however, fell hard for its tribute to friendship and the modest doses of happiness that make life worth shuffling through. Generous throughout, Person To Person returns the affection it invites from you right up to its final, heart-stopping declaration of love. --- Maineland (dir. Miao Wang) Miao Wang’s previous, excellent feature Beijing Taxi used the stories of local Beijing taxi drivers as a gateway for the director to understand the ways in which her native city had changed in the years since she had moved to the U.S. In Maineland, Wang flips her strategy, following a group of upper-class Chinese teenagers as they leave home for a boarding school in Maine. Perhaps reflecting her own young expatriate journey to the states, Wang’s film dives into the emotions of these kids in an unfamiliar place, showing both the difficulty they have relating to their new home as well as the occasional comforts (scenes of the students meeting up at the local nondescript Chinese takeout place are both touching and a little sad). As they debate what to make of their futures, their personalities, and capitalism, Maineland reveals itself to be not only a portrait of these children of the elite — and probable future leaders of the free world — but of the complexities of adolescence itself. --- Win By Fall (dir. Anna Koch) In its own way a fitting companion piece to Maineland, Anna Koch’s Win By Fall (not to be confused with the similarly titled Joe Swanberg movie that came and went here) also uses the documentary form to chart the growing pains of a group of boarding-school students. In her case, however, Koch stays at home and digs deep into her native Germany to chart the trials of a quartet of girls at Frankfurt/Oder’s “Elite School of Sport,” a highly competitive wrestling program. Using the familiar structure of a sports film (we even have our countdown to the Big Game), Win By Fall elegantly compares the agony of failure, and the thrill of victory, to inherent anxieties about the body, status, and identity by blowing it up to a competitive level. Gorgeously shot, and edited with a crispness that always gives you just as much as you need at any moment, Win By Fall nevertheless seemed strangely overlooked at this festival. Perhaps the world of German teenage wrestling is too niche for a general audience, but for those willing to seek it out, Koch has given you a great, memorable film about the big questions of youth. --- Drib (dir. Kristoffer Borgli) If Kiarostami’s Close-Up was about branded content, and also totally jacked-up, you might get something like Drib, a metafictional account of one prank artist’s attempt to troll the system — and how it undoes him. Andy Kaufman-worshipping Norwegian comedian/viral video star Amir Asgharnejad recounts his attempt to get a famous energy drink company to hire him as their spokesman, and things predictably go from bad to worse. Complicating the tale, however, is the presence of his friend Kristoffer Borgli (the director of Drib), who stages reenactments of Asgharnejad’s story starring… Asgharnejad himself. As these mirrors fold in on themselves, Borgli asks us to puzzle out the truth not only of Amir’s story but his own reenactments of them, raising the question of whether it is ever possible for someone to tell a story honestly through mediation. A bitter bloodletting session about this present era of Vice-approved “edginess” (embodied in the film by Amir’s antagonist, a perfectly cast Brett Gelman as an insufferable, Faustian ad exec desperate to stay relevant), this film speaks so immediately to its moment it feels as if it’s being made while you’re seeing it. Animated by an extremely on-brand score from PC Music associate Felicita, and stuffed with the same hi-gloss, ad-world imagery it parodies, Drib is dizzying, compulsively watchable, and a real blast. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for additional content. --- I’d also like to give an honorable mention to Kristen Lepore’s short film Hi Stranger, which screened in the Midnight Shorts block and sat on my mind like a curse ever since. Perhaps describable as “dark ASMR,” Lepore’s brief, deeply unsettling animation is best seen with no preparation —other than to say that if you have problems with intimacy, well, hold on tight. Hi Stranger can currently be viewed for free on Vimeo. [pagebreak] With any film festival, there’s always going to be a mixed bag of movie quality. Some are exceptional without any need for asterisks or further qualification, while others are good “for a first time director” or have an interesting idea or performance that elevates the rest of the film. Then there are many that are just okay, with highlights across the board, but ultimately aren’t too noteworthy or memorable. Lastly, there are those wretched films that somehow got passed through by a programmer that makes one question what anyone ever saw in that movie. SXSW 2017 was no different, with its own assortment of various tiered films. Luckily, out of the 26 movies I caught, most were very good (and most of them recounted below), a handful were just okay, and only two were pretty awful with very little saving graces. Perhaps the most interesting twist is that at least three of the big Hollywood films (Baby Driver, The Big Sick, The Disaster Artist) were really good, while the other offerings from established studios were mostly unexceptional in every way. It was a year that covered many topics with some recurring themes — sexual trauma, revenge, power of music. The Midnighters section was surprisingly lacking this year, with one clear standout (see below), but otherwise the film was stacked with some excellent examples of cinema, and even a few that will stand the test of time as classics of the genre. –Neurotic Monkey --- Prevenge (dir. Alice Lowe (III)) Alice Lowe’s debut as sole writer and director is an excellent hybrid of dry British humor crossbred with gonzo-horror premise. A pregnant woman is compelled, possibly by the voice of her unborn child, to seek revenge on others in bloody and spectacular fashion. The humor is coal-black and great, and there are many excellent sequences that work well to meld the tension of horror with hilarious dialogue to underline the absurdity of it all. It’s a completely unique plot, built on many revenge movies of the past, but works so well because of the myriad tones Lowe is able to synthesize together into one coherent piece. --- The Transfiguration (dir. Michael O’Shea) Michael O’Shea’s filmmaking debut is mostly a good one, fueled by an interesting premise, strong performances, and a unique setting not often showcased in horror films. It’s a bit of a misnomer to label it a “vampire film,” as it’s more in line with either Romero’s Martin or even Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer as it depicts a budding sociopath’s attempt to direct his darker impulses and mesh them with his fantastical beliefs. The two leads (Eric Ruffin and Chloe Levine) are outstanding as two young people stuck in a wasteland without much hope, and bring a lot of smart character decisions to their portrayals that seem beyond their young ages. While the film underscores some of its narrative — often stating out loud something that audiences can easily infer — that’s to be expected of a first-time writer/director who is uncertain if viewers will pick up on the subtleties. Still, it’s a strong debut that is unflinching in its depiction of outsiders and willing to wallow in the darkness of their minds and lives. --- Hounds of Love (dir. Ben Young) Another breakout feature-length debut, this time from writer/director Ben Young, Hounds Of Love is incredibly well-stylized, fueled by tremendous performances from its actors and a shocking amount of restraint from the filmmaker. The film is disturbing, ratcheting up the tension in a masterful way, but it never feels exploitative or indulgent thanks to Young’s ability (aided by his cast) to humanize its participants. The story of a couple that kidnap, sexually assault, and torture high school girls should be the stuff of grindhouse fare, but Young elevates it to a much more artistic exploration of survival, love, and the twisted devotion that the worst of abusers can inspire amongst others. It’s not a comfortable or easy watch, but it is a strong film that defies its genre roots to be an artful examination of an extreme event. --- Baby Driver (dir. Edgar Wright) Edgar Wright’s fifth film (and first time writing without a partner) was perhaps my most anticipated film of SXSW and 2017. I’m a devotee of Wright’s kinetic direction, cracking dialogue, and whip-smart editing, so I was curious to see what he would do in the crime genre. What Wright delivered — while still owing to works like Walter Hill’s The Driver and even Refn’s Drive — is an utterly original mashup of the pulp thriller with the musical, as diegetic songs accompany and even fuel every moment of the movie. Great stunts, car chases, and action sequences are perfectly executed to a great beat, while the cast (including Ansel Elgort, Jamie Foxx, Jon Hamm, Kevin Spacey, and others) turn in some gritty and fun noir character work. The ending doesn’t quite work as well as it should, and takes away some of the punch of the movie, but the rest of it is so good and original it’s easy to forgive and simply enjoy the 95% that did work like gangbusters. --- The Disaster Artist (dir. James Franco) It would’ve been very easy for James Franco to have turned the making of Tommy Wisseau’s The Room into an extended joke, complete with awful impressions of the “auteur” and merely relying on awkward references to the cult classic. Instead, The Disaster Artist emerged as my favorite film of SXSW 2017 because not only is it hilarious, but it is a sincere and heartfelt depiction of a man struggling with his place in the world and an artist struggling to realize his (rather unfortunate) vision. A spiritual successor to Ed Wood, The Disaster Artist is the story of a dreamer whose visions far surpass his talents, and the tension that emerges between those two realities. Franco’s performance as Wisseau avoids being a caricature, but instead is a lived-in, sympathetic portrait of an enigmatic man who simply wants to be loved. It’s a touching film that speaks to the artistic dreamer in all of us, while still being hilarious due to all of the (true) absurd shenanigans that occurred in the making of the film. --- Tragedy Girls (dir. Tyler MacIntyre) My second favorite film of the festival, and clearly the best of the Midnighter program, Tyler MacIntyre’s Tragedy Girls is an utterly fun romp into dark comedy and horror tropes. Depicting two girls’ obsession with status, built on the backs of a horrible murder spree in their hometown by a masked slasher, the film feels like a social media-infused version of Heathers meets Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon. It’s funny, raucous, and very smart about the various genre clichés it uses and subverts, all while delivering an engaging film firing on all of its multiple levels. A takedown of online celebrity, a Mean Girls-esque satire of high school hierarchies, and a love letter to horror conventions, Tragedy Girls is a great film that will leave audiences cheering thanks to its wit and heart. --- Patti Cake$ (dir. Geremy Jasper) Already receiving a ton of buzz after its premiere at Sundance, Geremy Jasper’s Patti Cake$ deserves all of the hype with its sincere but ridiculous take on the musical underdog subgenre. Played like 8 Mile seen through a quirky indie filter, the movie tells the story of three outsiders in New Jersey with dreams of escaping their downtrodden fates through music. While not particularly realistic, it does still treat its characters like real people, with motivations and arcs that viewers can follow and with which they can sympathize. The songs are incredibly catchy, and the performances don’t feel like cardboard cutouts of “funky” figures that are just made for laughs or randomness. While the story is a might predictable, I think this film will be a sleeper when it’s released by Fox Searchlight, eventually accumulating a cult following of people who can’t help but join in the infectious joy that comes with the struggle of the main characters. --- Small Town Crime (dir. Eshom Nelms/Ian Nelms) Small Town Crime, by fraternal filmmakers Eshom and Ian Nelms, plays like a grittier version of a Shane Black detective story. There’s less lightheartedness and more grounded action in the Nelms’ movie than a Black film, but intriguing characters that spout pithy and memorable dialogue populate it. John Hawkes continues to impress in his role as a disgraced cop turned private detective who finds himself in way over his head with a case of a dead girl. With nods to Raymond Chandler and various neo-Westerns, the film is an exciting dive into a seedy world, entertaining and engaging throughout. There are plenty of twists and turns, and strong performances from every member of the cast. --- Most Beautiful Island (dir. Ana Asensio) Ana Asensio’s Most Beautiful Island is a strong movie that centers around a narrative twist that arrives late in the game. So, to avoid spoiling it, as that is part of the perverse pleasure of this film, all I will say is the film is about a haunted immigrant struggling to survive in NYC. It’s a clash of classes as the poor are subjugated for the ultra-rich, and it becomes clear that dreams of a better life, or at the very least an escape from the past, can come with a hefty price tag. Asensio’s movie does a great job establishing the world of New York populated by the invisible working class just trying to get by before quickly ratcheting up the tension in the third act to reveal the shadowy undercurrent that exists in any bifurcated society. Excellent debut by the writer, director, and lead; it’s an occasionally tough film, but the payoff is worth it as Asensio is incredibly assured in the journey she’s taking the audience. http://j.mp/2nHXkuV