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hrbumga · 4 years

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Review: Deathless, Cathrynne M. Valente

Overall Rating: 2.5/5 stars.

This review contains heckin’ spoilers. I had about as mixed feelings as you could have about this book. On one hand, I can see where it gets it’s hype—a lot of the descriptions are beautiful, Valente manages to weave a rich tapestry of images and situations so that each page dazzles you anew. The thing is, I think I liked this book. Think. To be honest, I’m not totally sure. While rewritten fairytales for adults is a genre I’m drawn to, I think there were a lot of issues I had with this book, and furthermore some of the strangest things about Deathless actually didn’t take place within its pages at all. Let’s put a pin in that.

Structural Integrity

I can’t tell if the structure was the thing I took the most issue with, or if it was just the first thing I noticed. I’m mostly going to focus on the prologue and parts 1 and 2, since that’s where I have the issue.

The prologue opens with a boy (when I say boy I mean little kid, I think he was like 9 or 10) standing trial for not being available to fight in The War(TM). One of the people trying him is Marya Morevna, our protagonist. In a moment of kindness, she tells the boy to turn, run, and never look back, letting him escape punishment. Are we going to remember this? Of course, it’s the prologue, an introduction to the core of the story. Does it come up again? Kinda. In part 6, we loop back around to it, which makes me think part 6 should’ve been more of an epilogue to pair with the prologue.

So anyway, all we really derive from that is Marya is either a traitor to whatever war she’s a part of or is sympathetic to children. Or both. Which, okay, having a prologue mainly focused on the character we’ll be following makes sense. We either see who she is or who she was, and we get a sense that this Marya is/was a strong yet kind hearted character. Put a pin in that.

Part 1 is Marya’s upbringing, taking place either right before or during the Bolshevik Revolution. There’s a lovely, fairytale-esque portion in the beginning where as a little girl, she watches from her window as birds hop down from the tree outside, transform into handsome, wealthy men ask to marry the girl in the window and in turn, each of Marya’s three older sisters are married off. She waits for her turn and is teased by schoolmates for believing in magic. As time goes on, more families move into her cramped home for communal living and she visits the house elves that live between the walls, who tell her that Papa Koschei, the Tsar of Life (a kind of god/demigod figure in folklore from what I can gather), will come for her soon. She visits a creepy widow next door who turns out to be the Tsaritsa of the Hour who tells her pretty much the same.

Finally, on cue, a handsome young man named Koschei, who is in fact an ancient, old, old man comes to the door to take her away from this life of poverty and be his fiancée. Marya is roughly sixteen at this point. The part ends with him grooming her while spiriting her away to the magic land of Buyan. When I say grooming, I mean he’s literally taking her willpower away as though it’s an object, slowly, over time. Part 1 ends with Marya disobeying his order not to speak (literally all she says is she’s feeling a little better after being violently ill all journey) and he punishes her by biting her tongue til she bleeds.

Then part 2 kicks off! The beginning of part 2 begins with Zemlehyed the leshy and Naganya the vintovnik bickering. Classic them! Then Madame Lebedeva hops off her horse from a firebird hunt.

If you just said, “wait, back up, who are these people? What’s a leshy?” you are not alone! Oh, eventually Marya turns up too. Yeah, turns out there’s been a major time skip from the point where Marya was a starving, impoverished child to a magical being’s bride-to-be, who’s dressed in jewels and gold, has three whimsical pals that are framed as though we’ve already been endeared to them, and is super into her kinky BDSM lifestyle with her ancient groom. This transition has taken a year. Mind you, Marya isn’t just our protagonist, she’s the one the narration follows, so any internal monologue with her grappling with whateverthehell happened in that year is just something the reader doesn’t get.

Sure, her and her whimsical folktale fae friends have snappy dialogue and seem close, but we see literally nothing of how they get there. It’s a neck-snapping tonal whiplash from part 1 and frankly, had this not been a book club pick I would have DNF’d at the beginning of part 2 so quickly.

That’s a big issue I have with this. The parts don’t have much of a narrative through line, not really. The time jumps are janky and messy, we’re tossed in the deep end constantly. I think if the book had begun with part 2, I wouldn’t have minded the deep-endedness, that’s how books are at first. Have part 1 be a prologue or split up in flashbacks. But no, you read part 1, get accustomed to what the book is, and then quick as a whip you’re in a completely different novel altogether. It doesn’t read as cute or clever, but rather awkward and annoying.

While the beginning of part 2 has flimsy explanations of what leshy and vintovik are, as well as other Russian creatures and characters, it’s all missile launched at you so quickly you don’t have time to actually absorb any of it.

The Book Doesn’t Breathe

Boy howdy, for a story with Buyan, where the buildings literally have flesh and blood, it sure doesn’t leave space for air. Like I mentioned before, it often tosses unfamiliar terminology, stories, archetypes, and situations at you all at once without a moment’s notice. If the book is trying to cater to a new adult demographic in America, it doesn’t do an adequate job of hosting the reader in this new strange world. It’s a shame, really, because Valente describes things incredibly vividly and beautifully. Description in this book? Great. However, it feels as though character and plot development were sacrificed in the process. You’re yanked from one cast to the next, and Marya has very little impact on anything at all.

Okay, so, Naganya is this spunky steampunk-like troll creature. One of the main (thus, new) characters in part 2. She’s introduced as a close friend of Marya’s, which, okay. Moving on. They go on a wacky adventure! You see their relationship organically. While you’re still frustrated there was no build, you’re kinda on board. Okay, great. End of part 2? Naganya’s murdered. Slaughtered, in fact, pretty brutally. Gone, dead. Didn’t matter. Moving on to part 3’s cast!

While Naganya’s ghost is referenced and Marya’s like, “F in the chat, that was a bummer dude,” that’s about all we get. Again, there’s no insight into whether she gives a damn. She uses sentences like “I loved my friends, them being dead is a downer” but it’s extremely tell-don’t-show. The thing is, in part 3, it’s ten years later and Marya is a hardened war general in her late 20s who simply doesn’t have the time or emotional energy to deal with that stuff.

Marya, Paperdoll Protagonist

I was watching a video essay where the essayist mentioned that Disney princesses in the Disney Renaissance were passive protagonists. Even if they were the main character, the story wasn’t about their growth and development, but rather it was about them being a free spirited teen who eventually settles down with a man. The heroes get the emotional arcs, not the heroines. Nearly all princesses from this era were more just placed in a setting and waded through it as things happened around them. Flat, unchanging, stagnant, like dolls.

Marya is like that.

Our protagonist never has any agency in the book. She’s groomed as a child, pushed around by Baba Yaga in part 2, pushed around by her husbands in part 3, and so on. She literally is just rolling with the punches. At a couple points she mentions wanting to free a bunch of sweatshop workers, but the narrative doesn’t budge, but rather tells her “no,” and railroads her forward in the predestined plot line like a bad D&D Dungeon Master.

Now, real quick, I don’t necessarily think this is inherently a bad thing as a narrative. Highlighting Marya’s lack of agency could be interesting and lead to a story that’s satisfying to read. It might not be how I would want a heroine to be treated but hey, different strokes. Here’s the problem: some Russian readers and reviewers have pointed out that this is absolutely antithetical to who Marya was in original Russian folklore. She was a warrior queen. She didn’t have to beg and cajole her way to power, she had it all along. Subverting traditional fairytales is also not inherently bad, though it’s been pointed out that this subversion in particular does a disservice to the character. Not to mention that Valente isn’t Russian herself, didn’t grow up listening to these tales, but rather seems to have appropriated them for her own gain. I’m not Russian, I can’t speak to whether or not Valente mistreated original texts, but I encourage readers to look into reviews written by Russian people who’ve read and reacted to the book. (Note: in the interest of attempting to be balanced, there is a review from a Russian who really liked Valente’s treatment, so there’s also that.)

Here are some of the more critical reviews:

Nastassja’s Review

Kogiopsis’s Review (which links to a couple others as well)

Liz’s Review

Did I cherry-pick these reviews because they aligned with my feelings? Yeah, admittedly, I did, and I encourage anyone to read through all of the reviews at their leisure if they’re really interested in potentially reading, because most of the reviews are good ones.

The Diptych Conspiracy: A Space Opera

The strangest thing I found while reading Deathless actually has nothing to do with the text itself, but rather the metatextual… idk, nature? of the book. As of now, and seemingly since very early after Deathless was published in 2011, it’s been marketed as part of a series called the Leningrad Diptych.

Valente announced on her personal blog that there would be a companion book of sorts that didn’t follow the same storyline as Deathless, but was made to act as a spiritual parallel.

She announced that Deathless would have a twin, Matryoshka, which was picked up by Tor, the same publisher who published Deathless, to be released in 2015. That’s where things get sticky.

If you google “matryoshka valente,” you get a couple of hits. When you click those hits, they take you to webpages that allegedly are selling Matryoshka according to titles and headers on the page. However, the book listed was published in 2019, not 2015. And the book’s description has nothing about Russian folklore or historical fiction, but something about a metagalactic space empire. And also, the book cover says it’s called Space Opera.

???????????????????

I wasn’t alone in my confusion though, thanks to this gem of a comment on Goodreads:

Apparently, at some point, the twin in the Leningrad Diptych was listed as an entry on Goodreads at one point. It was unnamed at the time, perhaps the title wasn’t announced for publishing yet. Then, inexplicably, Valente (who is a Goodreads author and therefore is able to edit her profile and her book entries) overwrote the entry entirely. Apparently, Matryoshka has been “postponed indefinitely.” I can’t find official word on this, but nothing has been mentioned about this book since 2013, so I have to assume that’s correct.

Okay, then why overwrite the entry? Why transform Matryoshka into Space Opera, this confusing some auto-updated websites and more importantly confusing me, 7 years later, at 2am when I have COVID and can’t sleep?

I have absolutely no basis for this, but I have a theory. Valente announces Matryoshka and creates a listing on Goodreads for the upcoming book (was the book actually okayed for publishing? Could she have announced it before it was played so her following pushed the publisher into okaying it? Probably not likely and I don’t know, but that’s besides the point). Anyway, she gets all this hype up about this new book, and Goodreads users add it to their to-read lists.

Then, something happens. The book is trunked, writer’s block happens, 30-50 feral hogs destroy all the existing copies, the publisher cancels it, whatever. It’s a bummer (no, really, I know I dumped on Deathless earlier but I’d be interested in the companion novel). Life goes on, Valente writes a new novel, sci-fi this time. That’s a completely different genre though, and fans might be antsy if you announce Space Opera while Matryoshka is theoretically still on the table.

So you simply overwrite the entry. Wipe Matryoshka from Goodreads, swap it with Space Opera when no one is looking.

Now, a bunch of people have your new sci-fi book on their to-read list and are none the wiser. When the book is finally released in 2019, they all get notifications that the book they want is ready, hooray! Most don’t bat an eye, maybe reserve a copy. Some might go, “oh, I don’t remember saving this book, but here it is. And it’s an author I like, so I must’ve done it.” Plus, everyone on their friends list gets a lil nudge in their algorithms that’s like “hey, Sue marked Space Opera as want-to-read. I’ll bet you’d like it too.” Your unknown sci-fi novel is suddenly in front of a lot of eyeballs and on a lot of wishlists, while the previous book is quietly swept under the rug. Success. You never mention the other book again. Matryoshka, who?

But again, I’m looking waaaaay too far into this. As of first writing this It’s 2am, I’m on day three of COVID-aligned symptoms, still waiting for my test results which is scary, therefore I can’t sleep. Also I’m a little bored.

Anyway, Deathless was alright I guess.

#deathless #catherynne m valente #review

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drunklander · 7 years

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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 306

GUYS THEY’RE FINALLY BACK TOGETHER AND THE WHOLE POINT OF WATCHING THIS DAMN SHOW IS ACTUALLY ON MY TV AGAIN!

Like I feel like I’ve been waiting for this episode since the end of season one. I didn’t get sucked into the show because of the adventures du jour. I got sucked in because of the relationship between Jamie and Claire. Their intimacy. The intimacy they had even before the wedding. Yes, shenanigans need to happen around them or it’d just be a bunch of fluff, but watching how they go through the shenanigans *together* was kind of the whole point for me.

And the beginning of this season was obviously supposed to make the reunion feel earned, but with the lack of story on Claire’s side, it really kind of felt like a chore to slog through it at times.

But! This episode really was a great reminder of why I’ve stuck with the show with one glaring exception which I’m still salty about but not at all surprised by, and I *really* hope that they’re not going to treat it as a one and done.

Like in season one no matter what else was going on in the episodes, time was spent on building Jamie and Claire’s relationship before they got together and then time was spent figuring out what kind of couple they were going to be. *pretends the search doesn’t exist* Season two started with them dealing with Jamie’s rape, which it should have, but then when they came back together it was for like *a minute* before they basically then just started fighting over “saving” Frank. And then they lost Faith but the show skipped over them coming back together after that. Like suddenly they were just all ok and happy again, but literally for only one scene before going off to war. The investment in their relationship was put on the back burner and I think the show suffered because of it.

So now they’re *finally* back together and I *really* hope that this episode is just the jumping off point for showing them rebuilding their life together. Yes, I’m very much aware that they can’t spend every episode in a room together in various stages of undress. I’m not asking for that. I’m just hoping that the show goes back to the way they did things in season one. Where yes, stuff is happening and shenanigans ensue, but their relationship is still regularly given the attention it needs.

Anywho, that got longer than I meant it to... Sorry... Rambling nonsense and pterodactyl screeches are under the cut.

Apparently Jamie inherited his mother’s curse of having literally everyone fall in love with him or lust after him. Like are they trying to make it that Mme Jeanne is super into Jamie or something?

The music from Lallybroch as Jamie walks to work gives me life but also kind of makes me sad. Like he’s built a life for himself! He has his shop! He has shenanigans with Fergus! He’s content! But at the same time he’s living under a different name and his home at Lallybroch is no longer his home...

Although I’m glad I’m not the only one in this fandom who went straight to Beauty and the Beast as he’s walking through the street, tipping his hat to literally everyone. *group high five*

Him like polishing the sign with a finger and then being like nope, gotta go full arm makes me smile.

How did Hayes not get transported? Like it’s def the same dude from Ardsmuir, so how is he not in the Colonies with everyone else? Whatever. Not important... Treason is the point here, haha.

Geordie looks like Young Simon Fraser/Lovat so much it’s mildly distracting. And tbh, as much as he has a stick up his ass, I def feel him on wanting to know the required morning duties in advance.

Hai Bonnie! Who’s a good press. You are!

Ok holding the sheet up like that in the title card is cheesy? Idk. The second sheet just lying there worked for me though? But who cares. It’s a fucking title card. Moving on.

OMG SHE’S REAL AND HE’S REAL AND THEY’RE REAL IN THE SAME PLACE AND OMG GROUP HUG BECAUSE IT’S FINALLY HAPPENINGGG!

I wasn’t really a fan of the alepot thing in the book? Like it’s already awkward without Jamie needing to take off his pants?

OK BUT THEIR FACES THROUGH THIS WHOLE BIT WITH HIM LOOKING AT HER RING AND HER TELLING HIM HOW SHE NEVER TOOK IT OFF, I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

Asking if he can kiss her is my favorite. Except them kissing. That’s really my favorite. But consent, y’all. It’s sexy af.

BEAR WHY DON’T YOU MURDER ME WITH THE SWELL OF THEIR THEME YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD.

Jamie, this is a beautiful monologue, but she def touched you at Culloden. They literally had her touch him in ep. 301. But whatever, it was a vision, you can’t feel a vision. This isn’t the point. The point is OMG THEY’RE TOGETHER AND REALLY THERE AND MAKING OUT AND AHHHHHH.

Ok, I’m 1000% blanking. Was the “don’t be afraid, there’s the two of us now” line in the show before this? I can’t remember. Or is it just a thing for book people that we’re supposed to just accept was at some point a thing between them off-screen in the show? I’m really asking.

Oops, that distracted me from squeeing over how they like remember all their whatever the word is for an in-joke that’s not a joke and is actually something really romantic. Because squeee!

In Geordie’s spare time, he’s part of Edinburgh’s recreational cockblocking league. We’ll meet some of his teammates later on in the episode. No one really likes them. They’re basically the worst.

“Our child?” “Our daughter?” *has feelings*

LOOK HOW HAPPY CLAIRE IS TO TELL JAMIE ABOUT BREE! LOOK AT HER! SHE’S FUCKING BEAMING! SHE’S FUCKING GLOWING RIGHT THERE! I CANNOT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SAW FUCKING CLAIRE LOOKING THAT FUCKING HAPPY. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING SIGHT.

Ok but them being insecure about aging is fucking adorable and I love them so fucking much.

Ok so the pictures. I’m a bit torn about this sequence...

I hated that Jamie tells Claire he doesn’t like Bree’s name in the book and I hate that that’s his first reaction here. Like seriously, dude? This is your child. The child you sent your wife away to save. The child she raised without you because you made her go. And the first thing you’re going to tell Claire after she shows you the photos is that she picked an awful name? Wtf. I don’t care if he’s kidding around or whatever. It’s a fucking weird thing to say.

I *do* love that he brings up Faith and calls her Bree’s sister. Because she is and he hasn’t forgotten her and neither has Claire because how could they and it makes me want to hug them both.

“You’re a doctor now?” “Surgeon.” “You always were one. Now you have the title to go wi’ it.” Yaaas. I will always and forever love how much Jamie appreciates and respects Claire’s skills.

Ok for real they should have just cut the dog. I get it’s in the book. And they forced it into that other episode just so they could have it in the pictures. But like it seems like a weird, super not important thing to go out of their way to include? But whatever, who cares.

So the Willie stuff. I’m glad they’re getting it out of the way now. It always seemed super weird that Jamie never told Claire until almost the end of the book and it was weird that LJG was the one to tell her first. But the way they did it doesn’t work well for me. Like yes. Tell her up front. Tell her when you’re talking about your children. That makes sense. But the way they have it play just doesn’t work.

Like the whole time he’s looking at the photos of Bree, his child with the woman he loves more than anything, the child they were separated to save, he keeps his strong emotions in check. Like he’s clearly moved, dumbass comment about her name aside, but he’s restrained. And then he’s talking about Willie and he like becomes so animated and excited. Like I get that this is one of the only times he’s been able to talk openly about Willie being his son. And to share how much he loves him. But it definitely makes the two of them talking about Bree seem shortchanged.

I kind of wish he’d given Claire the gift of knowing that Willie was conceived under coercion or at least that it was a one time thing. Like no need to get into all the details, but just saying he’s a bastard doesn’t provide much context. Especially for someone whose husband had a longterm affair. Which he doesn’t know, but still...

Maybe they’re playing it this way so that in ep. 308 or whenever Claire finds out about Laoghaire and her girls, the Willie stuff might come back around in their fight? Maybe? Bueller? Guess we’ll find out in two weeks...

Same with how it was for Claire to be with Frank all those years? Like in this initial convo she gives the most watered down, BS description of her life with him so maybe that’ll come back around too? Because they didn’t really “make it work”? He was terrible to her and treated her like shit and she just endured it for the sake of Bree?

Really I’m just looking forward to that damn fight. Because they need to have the fight to get into the meaty work of coming back together.

HAI FERGUS! Fergus got hot. Fergus knows he got hot. It’s somehow endearing.

I’m so fucking glad they changed the hook to a wooden hand. So. Fucking. Glad.

This scene really makes me wish that we’d gotten something of Claire missing Fergus during her half of things in the earlier episodes. Like my kingdom for a scene of Claire telling Bree about her French Scottish pickpocket brother. I know technically Bree knows about Fergus because Claire told her the whole story, but like, they expanded that relationship so much last year that I wish he had come up at some point. *forces self to stop dwelling on my general dislike of how Claire’s story was handled*

They really doubled down on the book’s already not-at-all subtle foreshadowing that Jamie’s already married...

Wouldn’t Claire have given some thought to explaining where she’d been before she went back? Like she definitely knew if she found Jamie, she’d probably be running into some of the other people she knew also? Whatever. Wherever they said she ended up, it’s always going to be weird because like how would she have known where to find Jamie?

It kinda bugs me, and by kinda I mean it really bugs me, that Claire starts to say Randall when she’s introducing herself to Willoughby. Like yes, that’s the name she went by for the last 20 years. And she’s in the habit of saying it. But she literally just went back in time and found her husband and is like in the midst of a very emotional time where she is very aware of the identity she’s actively reclaiming. It would have worked better for me if she’d started to say Fraser. Like she’s excited she *finally* gets to say that again only to have Jamie cut her off and that leading to the same questions she has as it plays out now, but with like the added layer of emotion that comes with not being able to use the name she’s wanted to use for so long.

I’m cautiously optimistic about Willoughby? Like fuck him for cheating the hooker out of her money, but he can be a garbage person without being a racist caricature?

Cool so now we have treason, questionable marital status and smuggling drama for Jamie. Seems like plenty to set up the shit that’s going to hit the fan next week without a certain scene they decided to end the episode with...

Ok but with Jamie’s face and Willoughby’s grin, it’s super obvious he didn’t *just* say honorable wife, implying again that something’s up with Claire’s status as Jamie’s wife. But I’m glad they changed it to Chinese because the first wife thing in the book was like so on the nose that it was weird Claire never asked why he kept saying that.

For real though. They’re not being subtle at all...

I love that Claire calls him Yi Tien Cho as she says goodbye though. Yay for treating him like an actual person and not “Jamie’s pet” as he’s literally described in the book.

This introduction to the brothel is very Game of Thrones-y in terms of the randos banging everywhere.

I didn’t like Mme Jeanne being a bitch to Claire in the book and I’m not a fan of it here. Like the lady clearly has the hots for Jamie or whatever they decided to do for the show, but we already have one person who’s terrible to Claire because she wants Jamie and that person is about to come back so do we really need another? And I know that it’s partly so that Claire feels insecure or whatever and questions Jamie, but like I feel like the fact that he’s on friendly terms with Mme Jeanne and has a room in the brothel accomplishes the same thing well enough? Maybe it’s just me...

For real though the sex sounds from the other rooms is a bit much. Like we get it, show. It’s a brothel. And these two want to bang but they’re still a little awkward. The noises are more distracting than anything.

Ok but the look of like pain on Claire’s face when Jamie says he doesn’t know why she came back and then reduces (maybe the wrong word, but close enough) her to just the mother of his child. Like bro, it’s an important question. I know you want and deserve to know the answer. But I do feel for Claire a bit in how he chooses to word it.

“So I took a chance.” Understatement of the centuries, Claire.

Throw her a bone, Jamie! She took an impossible leap! Give her something!

Claire’s “do you want me to go?” breaks my heart a little. Like I 1000% know what Jamie’s getting at and why he wants and needs to know why Claire came back. But I really do feel for Claire here. She made the choice to risk everything to find him, and Jamie knows what it cost her. (*cough Bree cough* Remember her? You literally just looked at pictures of her.) Maybe lead with the fact that you’ve burned for her for so long, dude? And then bring up the knowing each other less now than at your wedding? Because it *is* a valid observation...

I know that basically everything in this room is like verbatim from the book, but I do kind of wish some of it had been tweaked.

BUT WHATEVER BECAUSE THEY’RE TOGETHER AGAIN.

OK BUT THE FLIRTY WAY CLAIRE SAYS THAT SHE MIGHT BE A HORRIBLE PERSON MAKES ME FEEL THINGS. LIKE SHE SPENT SO LONG BEING TREATED LIKE AND TOLD THAT SHE WAS ONE BUT HERE WITH JAMIE SHE KNOWS SHE ISN’T AND SHE’S JOKING AND SHE’S HAPPY AND SHE’S GETTING WHAT SHE’S DREAMED ABOUT FOR SO LONG AND I’M JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU CLAIRE. ILY, LADY.

The recreational cockblocking league really should be disbanded. I feel like there are better options for extracurricular activities out there.

OK BUT JAMIE’S FACE WHEN HE LOCKS THE DOOR AND CLAIRE’S FACE WHEN JAMIE LOCKS THE DOOR. YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT, GUYS, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE THE SECKS.

You know what would be better than this voiceover? Not this voiceover. I get that they wanted the parallel to the wedding voiceover about getting to know their new spouses for the first time, but I’m just not a fan of the majority of the voiceovers and was kind of hoping they were not going to use them as much this year...

I like the parallel to the wedding with them talking first, I just could have done with more actual talking and less VO about talking.

Also like Claire, we know you’re both thinking about banging. There’s no reason to VO the fact that you’re thinking about it.

OK BUT THE SASSY LITTLE WAY SHE PULLS OFF HIS STOCK OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED. HERE. FOR. IT.

AND SHE OPENS HIS SHIRT LIKE SHE DID IN EP. 103 WHEN SHE WAS CHECKING HIS WOUND AND IT WAS HOT AF THERE AND IT’S HOT AF HERE.

AND HIM PULLING OFF HER SCARF THINGY AND IT GOES DOWN HER FRONT LIKE THE RIBBON DID IN THE WEDDING WHEN HE UNTIED HER LITTLE CHOKER THINGY.

MY KINGDOM FOR ONCE THEY’RE LIKE COMFORTABLY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN AND IT’S NOT LIKE 20 YEARS OF EMOTION BUILT UP FOR JAMIE TO JUST LOVE ZIPPING AND UNZIPPING CLAIRE’S CORSET THINGY AND HER LIKE PLAYFULLY SMACKING HIM UPSIDE THE HEAD.

THIS IS AWKWARD AND ADORABLE AND I LOVE IT AND YOU REALLY ARE BEAUTIFUL, CLAIRE.

Ok they held hands in the wedding episode at one point right before Claire cockblocked herself by asking about Jamie’s family, but the stuff about touching making things easier wasn’t actually in there, right? It’s just another book thing they’re putting in that we need to pretend happened off-screen? Which is fine, I’m just trying to keep the book and the show straight...

“Do you want me know?” “Oh, God, yes.” SO SAY WE ALL.

The subtitles say [both breathing heavily] and OMG SAME, SUBTITLES, SAME.

I KNOW IT’S FROM THE BOOK BUT I LOVE THEM BUMPING HEADS AND GIGGLING AND JAMIE KISSING HER ON THE NOSE AND THE LITTLE NOSE KISS IS MY EVERYTHING AND GUYS I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW AND ALL OF THEM ARE WONDERFUL.

“Do it now. And don’t be gentle.” OK BUT THIS IS LIKE THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE 18 YEARS THAT CLAIRE IS WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN’T HER HAND AND SHE’S CALLING THE SHOTS AND YOU GET YOURS, CLAIRE. YAAAS.

Unpopular opinion, but I’ve never really been a fan of the “give me your mouth” line.

BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE THEY JUST DID THE SECKS. THEY JUST DID THE SECKS, GUYS!

GUYS THEY GET TO CUDDLE AND BE CUTE AND TOUCH EACH OTHER AND KISS AND BE SILLY. MY SKIN IS CLEAR AND MY CROPS ARE THRIVING.

Can we do a kickstarter for a NSFW webseries about learning new vocabulary? Or is that only cute with these two?

I CANNOT WITH ALL OF THEIR LITTLE KISSES AND CLAIRE JUST LIKE LOUNGING ON HIM AND HIM LIKE STROKING HER BACK AND I AM DED. I AM THOROUGHLY DECEASED.

Cool that we’re establishing all of this stuff about Jamie’s current situation with the law. So we know all of the stakes and shit already. So maybe there’s no fucking need to end the episode how they did just to get a cliffhanger.

“To find you again... And to lose you.” Like he has to know that he’s basically lying by omission about being married, right? Like Jamie isn’t perfect. If he was he’d be boring. He doesn’t tell Claire about Laoghaire because he’s scared to lose her again. Which I get, but like how did he think it was going to play out? He knows/fears how it’ll play out and we know that from this line. I’m not saying I wish he’d done anything differently. Because that’d be cramming too much into the episode and iron out a flaw that leads to one of my favorite parts of the book...

OK BUT I LOVE ROUND TWO BECAUSE LIKE OMG THEY JUST NEED TO BE TOUCHING EACH OTHER AND JUST BEING WITH EACH OTHER AND GUYS THEY’RE TOGETHER AGAIN AND I JUST WANT TO HUG THEM BOTH EXCEPT LATER BECAUSE I AM NOT PART OF THE RECREATIONAL COCKBLOCKING LEAGUE BECAUSE I’M NOT A MONSTER.

LOOK AT THESE BABIES FALLING ASLEEP ALL CUDDLY AND ADORABLE AND I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

“Maybe I’m a ghost.” Don’t get cute, show...

CASUAL WITH THE HAND SECKS WHILE RECALLING A CONVO THAT INVOLVED HAND SECKS THE FIRST TIME. I’M OK.

Thanks, Claire Bear, for not wanting to burst this perfect little bubble. We can definitely wait to hear about who Jamie may have gone to in blind need. No need to sully this episode with anything like that.

And high fives for understanding the difference between sex and love and yet omg I can’t wait for everything to blow up because they’re both human and emotions are messy and then for things to get better again in a wicked real way.

Ok is the recreational cockblocking league’s season over yet? Can’t Jamie ever finish his full English breakfast without someone trying to interrupt him? Wtf.

Lady boner for Claire’s little salute.

Lady boner for Jamie saying Jell-O.

I’m trash for Claire calling Jamie soldier. Sorry not sorry.

And I love that it’s the same fucking shot of her very satisfied face as ep. 110.

Perfect Young Ian is perfect. And so is his pause before “woman.”

Glad they clear it up right away that Claire’s his aunt.

“Do you live in a dun?” Are you being sassy, Ian? Or are you legit asking about fairies? Please tell me you’re being sassy. (Either way, I love show!Young Ian.)

“Very please to meet you, Uncle Jamie’s wife.” I LOVE YOU, YOU AWKWARD GOOBER WHO IS APPARENTLY VERY BAD AT HIDING THE FACT THAT YOU’RE PROCESSING INFORMATION THAT WILL BECOME RELEVANT SOON.

Ok, tbh, I would have been fine if they ended the episode with Young Ian leaving. Like awesome. Set up Jamie and Claire cautiously and optimistically back together. Set up Jamie’s various things that can come up and pop their little bubble of innocent bliss. Reintroduced the Murrays. Cool. Done. End it. Roll the credits. Great ending is great.

Except...

I don’t love the whore’s brunch like some people do, but while I don’t think it’s necessary it is nice to see Claire interacting with the community around her. Like to see how at ease she is with these women even though they have nothing in common. Except, you know, having had sex the night before.

Nice little coda. Cool. Done. End it. Roll the credits. Ok ending is ok.

Except...

Ok I hate the last scene with my whole heart. Hate. It.

Why the fuck did they include this? Why the fuck couldn’t they just end the fucking episode on a hopeful note. With all the other shit like the treason and smuggling and questions about Jamie’s past few years all nice and set up so we know not everything will be smooth sailing?

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Yes, in the book there’s a dude who shows up and manhandles Claire and thinks she’s a whore and flicks her boob while telling her there’s a reward in the form of a percentage of the seized contraband that’s being smuggled through the brothel. And I was hoping they’d change that in the show to like dial it back to just like him menacing over her or something instead of actually grabbing her and touching her boob. Because do we really need more sexual assault? No.

But apparently this fucking show thinks we do.

“Maybe if I fuck you, it’ll jar your memory.” *grabs Claire by the throat* Yep. Instead of even just sticking to the fucking book, they fucking take it up five notches.

Fuck whoever decided to end the episode like this. Fuuuuck them.

And don’t give me any bullshit like “oh it was needed to set up the next episode!” or “oh, but the 18th century is so dangerous, that’s just how things are!” No. Fuuuck that.

Not everything needs to be a fucking cliffhanger.

WE DO NOT NEED ANY MORE FUCKING ATTEMPTED RAPES.

We spent fucking two season with everyone and their brother getting raped and sexually assaulted. Claire knows it’s fucking dangerous. Claire has been assaulted more times than I care to count at the moment. She doesn’t need to fucking get nearly raped *again* within like fucking two days of being back in the past.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SHOW. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON MAKING ME HATE YOU.

But hey. They’re back together again. Woot.

Ok I tried, guys. I really did. But I really don’t care for the majority of A. Malcolm. Consider this a one time only sober!Der gets honest about Outlander...

I watched the episode four times. Not because I loved it, but because I thought watching it more would help me convince myself that I loved it. I watched it twice the night it came out, but I figured I was just like missing something because it was late and I was drunk and maybe it was actually really awesome? So I spent the next day reblogging smutty gifsets at the regatta I was working, thinking that would get me excited to go home and watch it again. And I did watch it again, and was like oh I must still be missing something because I’m sleep deprived and have been day-drinking. So I livetweeted and posted a recap with what I though were the requisite amount of squees and shouty caps so I wouldn’t be The Girl Who Didn’t Like The Reunion. Because I’m always the downer fan. And this was *The Episode*. So clearly I was just watching it wrong and I shouldn’t rain on everyone’s fangirl parade.

But I watched it again yesterday after work, sober and rested, and tried to watch it just as an episode and not like comparing it to the books or over-analyzing it or anything. And yeah, apparently I wasn’t watching it wrong. I just don’t care for a lot of it. So if I were to have written my 100% honest take on it without worrying about being a buzzkill, this would have been it:

I hate how they played Mme Jeanne. It was like they were forcing it and it just didn’t work for me. Seeing Jamie’s day before Claire shows up? Sure, ok, I’ll sit through it because I know what’s coming. But it should have been the only sidequest of the episode. And then Claire shows up and instead of getting sucked in and emotionally invested, I’m stuck watching Jamie take off his pants for no reason. It’s already awkward, there’s no need for that. And then they’re like oh hey remember this motto/catchphrase thing we shared that never happened on screen? Instead of playing like “aw, that’s sweet,” it just took me out of the moment because I was like “wait, when did that happen?” instead of being swept along. Like, there’s a difference between referencing something that happened off screen and doing what’s supposed to be a deliberate callback to a meaningful thing when that meaningful thing was never established. And then they’re interrupted for the first of what seemed like a fuckton of unnecessary times because lol nothing matters.

The scene with the pictures was just terrible. You can’t have Jamie basically be stoic while looking at the pictures of his daughter he sent away his wife to save, shit on the name his wife gave her and then wax poetic about how cool his other kid is. Wtf. I’m all for having him bring up Willie, but they completely fucked up the execution. Jamie barely showing emotion about Bree and then fangirling over Willie seems out of character and cruel to both Claire and Bree.

They needed to move locations so I was fine with meeting Fergus en route, but even that didn’t work as they played it. They built up the Claire and Fergus relationship so much last year but I felt like nothing at their reunion. It was a quick like oh where have you been? Oh cool. Btw, I need to talk business with Jamie. Because clearly that takes precedence over letting the emotional beat of a mother and son seeing each other for the first time in 20 years land. It just felt wicked rushed. I wish they had skipped everything at The World’s End. We already know Jamie’s doing treasonous stuff from the cold open and he’ll give Claire more details on his illegal activities and their potential consequences later in the episode. We didn’t need to meet Willoughby in this episode or the shady dude in the basement.

So then they get to the brothel and Jamie just like immediately starts interrogating Claire. Basically my biggest issue with the first half of the episode is Jamie. Like, can he at least pretend to be happy to see Claire? I get the shock and disbelief and stuff, but jfc dude. It’s like he doesn’t even want her there. They doubled down on his secret and it, for me, sort of ruined his half of their reunion. Like Claire has told him what going through the stones was like for her (we hear him ask her about it in ep. 111), and she literally just gave up her entire life and modern society to come back in time. Plus she left *their daughter* to come find him. I don’t know how many other fucking big red signs you need to tell you why she’s there, Jamie. Stop being an idiot. Like yes, he can and should be vulnerable. He can want to be sure she knows that he’s changed and be scared she might not want him for who he is now. But that’s not how it played. It played like he almost didn’t want her there and was questioning her motives rather than him being vulnerable and scared she might not want him. Putting it all on Claire with how they had Jamie question her wasn’t a good look for him.

I hated the voiceover while they ate. Just let them talk. Don’t VO that they’re talking. Have them actually talk. And sorry, but I really don’t think we needed to watch them silently undress for that long. They could have gotten the same emotions across with a shorter montage and leave more time for, you know, actually catching up after 20 years.

I did like the lead up to round one once they were naked and Claire was all adorable and insecure and Jamie finally acted like he wanted to be there. (Minus the second instance of attempting a meaningful callback to a thing that was never established.) And yeah, round one was going to be awkward. I know, it should be. But then round two wasn’t hot at all? Like they shot a rape scene in ep. 304 like soft-core porn but when the main couple gets back together it’s like awkward side-flopping? Yes, they need to touch each other and look into each other’s eyes and that’s all lovely and should happen, but like the way it was shot didn’t match what the scene should have felt like? Also, their wigs are terrible. Like distractingly terrible.

Them talking in between rounds one and two, and them talking after round two through round three until Jamie leaves I did like for the most part. And I was glad that I did, because I really did want to really like this episode and I feel like if there were important parts to like, it was those parts. And honestly what they talk about there was enough to set up that they weren’t going to stay in this little bubble for very long, so the World’s End stuff and the very not subtle convo with Jamie and Fergus and the stuff at the end seemed even more unnecessary.

I did like Young Ian. Because it’s Young Ian. And I heart that awkward goober. But everything after that, especially ending it on another fucking attempted rape, I could have done without.

So yeah. There were a couple scenes I liked, but as an overall episode? It just didn’t do it for me. And what I did like didn’t really drive me to full on fangirling. It was just like oh, this is better than those other parts. And with the way it ends, it left me feeling angry rather than happy that these characters are back together. Not a great aftertaste for what’s supposed to be like the biggest episode of the series.

And yes, I *know* that they can’t please everyone and that they aren’t making the show specifically for my exact tastes and vision. I’m well aware I’m a #BadFan. But I think I’m still allowed to be disappointed that the episode I was looking forward was kind of a let down for me.

Holy shit this got way longer than I thought it would. I meant to just write a short update and hide it in an old post so I didn’t get yelled at... Because for some reason, bullshitting about how I felt about this episode wasn’t sitting well with me. Whatever. Brevity has never been my strong suit...

Here’s hoping ep. 307 is amazing...

#*#drunj!der yells about outlander #outlander starz #outlander 3x06

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matsbarzal · 7 years

Text

Captain Material - Morgan Rielly

Notes: I HATE the way Morgan Rielly’s last name is spelt. Everyone I know w the name is either reilly or riley and i keep spelling it WRONG and it’s making me angry. But here’s a sad asf imagine but also trigger warning!!!!! it mentions hardcore anxiety and like anxiety attacks also the title has nothing to do w the story sorry

Warnings: Hardcore mentions of anxiety and anxiety attacks

Requested by Anonymous: Could you do a Morgan Rielly one where he comforts you when you are upset

Up Next: Dylan Strome prolly idk

It hasn’t been this bad since you moved to Toronto. It hasn’t even gotten close to the point you were currently at, curled tight in a ball, streaks of wetness running down your cheeks and a constant running mind.

Anxiety was a real bitch, mix it with a little frustration, a horrible boss and a stressful workload, it could make anyone hit rock bottom.

Growing up, you spent many sessions with doctors and experts learning how to cope with your anxiety and how to calm down. You were thick skinned, usually what people said to you didn’t massively effect you in a terribly negative way, but when your boss outright said what he had, combine it with the stress of school and everything else, it led you to this point.

But here you were, a large Iced Capp on the table beside you, your little puppy in your arms and small little chokes of breath leaving your throat as tears ran from your eyes. You knew Morgan was supposed to be here any minute, but you couldn’t will yourself to get out of bed and face everyone else, knowing that any moment you would break down and worry the entire crew.

You had composed yourself enough earlier to shoot your boyfriend a quick text, telling him you probably wouldn’t be able to make it to dinner cause you weren’t feeling too well and didn’t wanna get anyone sick, but he proceeded to inform you that he’d be over with whatever leftovers he could save so you didn’t go hungry. He truly was the most caring person in the world and you were scared about what was going to happen the moment he got there.

Speak of the devil…

The front door of your apartment clicked shut, your dog instantly jumping out of your arms to go greet the person making all the sounds at the front door. None other then your boyfriend.

You quickly tried to grab the tissue box to wipe away the dried makeup on your face, but to no surprise, nothing came off.

“Hey sweetie, are you feeling any better? I had to basically rip the buns out of Mitch’s hand so they’re a little squished but everything’s in the micro- what’s wrong?”

It took Morgan barely a minute in the bedroom to notice someone was wrong, your body posture was an immediate giveaway. He dropped whatever was in his hand on your desk and silently sat on the bed beside you.

Placing a hand on your back, he began to rub gentle shapes and movements across his. “Can you turn around for me, (Y/N)?”

You didn’t necessarily want to turn around, your head currently facing the opposite wall so he couldn’t see your tear-brimmed eyes and rosy cheeks. But, you knew that if you didn’t turn around he would keep heckling you until you did.

Slowly reaching up to rub at your bloodshot eyes, you maneuvered your body so that you were now facing your very concerned boyfriend. You knew immediately from the way his face dropped even more, that you looked absolutely terrible.

“What happened?”

You knew he was jumping to conclusions in his head, cause that’s the kind of person he was, secretly worrying that it was something he had done to upset you and that he felt absolutely horrible and didn’t know what to do.

“Bad day.” You whispered, the dryness of your throat from the earlier sobbing making it difficult to talk loudly.

Crawling into bed beside you, he pulled you towards him, a sigh leaving his mouth. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Shaking your head, you tried to pull away from him, not necessarily wanting the physical contact he was currently giving you. Morgan understood immediately, allowing you to scoot toward where you had been before, a large frown evident on his face.

“Mitch dropped his entire plate on the floor at dinner and turns out Jazzy was under the table and all the food went all over her. I think Naz may have threatened to murder him. Jazzy was happy though, she had been crying for it all night.”

Shaking your head in silent laughter, Morgan continued talking when he noticed it brought a small smile to your lips.

“Matts held baby Kanon again. He proceeded to literally smack him in the head with his bottle. I think it’s on someone’s Snapchat!”

He held a finger up while searching for his phone and pulling up the app, fingering through a few stories before he came to Connor Brown’s, a loud burst of laughter left his throat, which had you jumping slightly from your spot on the bed.

“Look!”

Maneuvering yourself so you could look at the phone, you repeatedly watched Kanon Bozak cry as he pelted Auston with his bright blue bottle, hinting that he wanted out of the star rookies arms. You hadn’t even noticed small giggles leaving your throat, but Morgan sure did, a smile lighting up his face to see you had stopped crying.

“But as you can tell, the rest of the rookies were on their best behaviour. Brown was late, so he’s apparently in for a treat tomorrow… oh! Steph said she found this place near the university that sells cheap books, said you’d love it.”

Your friends through Morgan were phenomenal, you and Mitch Marner’s girlfriend had hit it off immediately, the both of you being similar in age and both of you going to university, albeit separate ones had encouraged a strong friendship.

“I’ll ask her for the name of the place later.”

Your boyfriend smiled back at you, “So… do you wanna talk about it yet?”

Groaning, you knew he wouldn’t let it go. He was a worrier, everything about sad and stressed people always worried him, which technically was probably a good trait for a future captain, especially having to deal with so many stressful situations.

“I just had a really shitty day. My boss freaked at me, said I was incompetent and that my till was always short and that my coffee always tasted like shit and how I couldn’t even use an oven properly and how it’s unfair that I have such an awkward availability and that he should just fire me because it would be less stress having to accommodate me all the time. Then we just got a bunch of shit piled on us at school and I’m so worried about my midterms coming up and everything’s just stressing me out and my mom thinks I took a stupid course and that it’s going to get me nowhere in life, and it was just a stressful day.”

You murmured the last part of your rant as your lip wobbled, saying everything aloud managed to bring back all the negative thoughts on how you were gonna get fired and how you were gonna fail your course and how everything just wasn’t working out.

“Oh (Y/N), please don’t cry.”

Knowing it was no use to fight him off, he engulfed you in his arms as the tears started flowing down your cheeks. Repeated words of endearment were spilling out of Morgan’s mouth and against your ear as he tried to calm you down again.

He gently rubbed down your back with his hands, tracing gently and calmly as he continued to whisper words of endearment in your ear. It took you a few minutes but you eventually calmed down enough to listen to him.

“Do you want me to run you a bath? I’ll heat up your food and go get you a cake or some cookies or ice cream or we can just go to McDonald’s, I won’t tell anyone. I can run to the mall and get you a bath bomb if you want? Or I’ll get your boss fired? Please don’t be sad, I love you.”

He kept whispering suggestions in your ear as you began to take deeper breaths to allow your breathing rate to calm down.

“McDonald’s sounds good…” you looked at him with a guilty expression, worried that he’d get upset about bringing you food and you not wanting it.

“McDonald’s it is! Do you want me to just go and get it, or do you wanna come?”

Quirking your lips, you looked at him sadly, and he got the hint. “Okay, I’ll bring it back.”

It took Morgan barely half an hour to leave and come back with the food, a large smile on his face as he placed the Golden Arches bag on the table beside you.

“I’m sorry I’m putting a damper on the mood, Morgan.”

The Leafs player immediately shook his head and sat down beside you, “you never have to apologize for being upset, (Y/N). You deal with me after games and you’re always there for me when I’m upset or feeling anxious, the least I can do is be there for you when you’re feeling like this.”

Smiling at him happily, you quirked an eye towards the bag and back at him, which brought a smile to his lips while moving the bag onto the bed and digging in, peels of laughter leaving the room for the rest of the night.

#morgan rielly #morgan rielly imagines #nhl imagines #hockey imagines #toronto maple leafs #requested #mine

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