I BEAT MY BIGGEST ART FEAR AUGH

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 9: LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

A/N: i made a moodboard for yaera and im really proud of it lmao

warnings: blood mention, drugs mention, suicide/self harm mention, gambling

wordcount: 8000 and some change

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***

i remember climbing out my window that night. the moon was full, my stomach giddy thinking of seeing his pretty eyes. he said he wanted to meet me, i couldnt believe that what people said was true.

guys really were MEAN to the girls they liked.

being made fun of constantly? not my love language. never was. it reminded me too much of how my parents treated me, and i never found comfort in that at all.

my insecurities getting pointed out, getting mocked for the enjoyment of others. how could you like someone who did all those things to you?

i wondered that for a while. i was too hopeful, i guess.

that didnt stop me from doing my hair and finally making use of all the designer my mother brought home. i curled my fringe and the ends of my black hair, giving myself the look only a stupidly happy person could muster and snuck out of my house.

i didnt expect to see my twin sister doing the exact same thing.

our mouths collectively dropped open when we saw one another, completely baffled that neither of us had said anything. i wouldve told her where i was going, but she hadnt given me the time of day.

"i can explain," she nervously said, laughing. "okay nevermind, you first."

"no way!" i said, shaking my head. "you? sneaking out? fess up!"

yasmine was like the model twin to everyone. of course she wasnt perfect, she had flaws just like everyone else. she was a massive people pleaser, so i wondered just exactly who she was trying to impress with her new sneaky habits.

anyone that had my goodie two-shoes sister sneaking out of the house couldnt be good news, i thought. i was also impressed by how they managed to actually get her to go through with it.

"im just meeting...someone," she giggled dumbly. it was almost pitch black in our yard and yet i knew her cheeks were stained red.

"and you didnt tell me about him? who is it? someone from a rival school?"

my sister was dramatic enough to hide something like that. she had just broken up with her asshole boyfriend, collin, who no one liked, so i would have gladly encouraged this phase.

"its just someone. you dont know him."

i raised an eyebrow. "so when will i get to? whats his name?"

"im not saying anything, yae." she deadpanned.

"what?" i couldnt hide the disappointment from my voice. "but we tell each other everything."

she sighed. "relax, i will tell you just not right now. gosh quit being so codependent."

i frowned. "im not codependent i just care about your life. but whatever since you wanna be a massive bitch about it."

silence filled after a familiar insecurity rose to surface level. my sister knew how much i loved and needed her. she was my sister. some siblings were close, some werent. but my sister was my only friend. and all i really had. she knew that.

and sometimes she reminded me of how much i held her back.

she would sit with her massive friend group with attractive, sociable and fun people. she would always try to push me to talk to them or even make my own friends. i tried, i swear i did. it usually didnt go well. i never understood why.

maybe i was the problem. i could only really care about one person at a time. i didnt know what that was called. it took time for me to get close with people, the fear of being judged and abandoned an imminent one.

my brain always told me, my own sister would never abandon or judge me. we were blood. we were in this shit forever.

apparently i was the only one passionate about it.

"yae, cmon dont be like that," yasmine sighed. "i didnt mean that. i will tell you i promise."

i didnt answer her, only wiped the tears that gathered in my eyes for that moment. i crumbled up the letter he gave me as i rolled it into a fist in my pocket.

"its whatever, i guess ill see you in the morning," i muttered and started walking to the gate.

"wait!" she whisper-yelled. "where are you going?"

"ill tell you later. good luck with whoever youre meeting."

i called an uber to the address, trying to lighten up my mood on the way there. i put lipgloss on, trying to smile in my compact mirror. i wasnt really good with make up, but since i had a good feeling about this boy, i would need to start getting good.

this was the first time he'd invited me to his house. usually when yasmine went it wasnt a mutual invite. now i was going solo. he really changed his mind about me.

i kept impulsively eating mints, practicing my facial expressions and the uber driver probably thought i was crazy. when i got dropped infront of the wrought iron gates, he was standing there waiting for me.

in a white tshirt and grey sweatpants. he was so beautiful. he pulled his lips into that sly smirk i knew, as if he got everything he wanted. and being who he was, he did.

i mean, thats how i was here even though he bullied the fuck out of me whenever he could.

"hi," i said, giving a small wave. the wind blew my skirt a little, making me hold it down embarrassingly.

jongho continued giving me that satisfied smirk as he eyed me up and down. "you know its two am. i really didnt expect you to actually come."

i mean you asked me to. of course i would. im almost in love with you.

i shrugged like it was nothing. "you told me to come when i was comfortable. i thought this was appropriate."

"i see you dressed appropriately too. nice legs," he said, making my face heat up. "goddamn, model genes really runs in your family. well i dont wanna keep you in the cold. lets go inside."

he guided me into his home, his hand on my lower back. i swear i couldnt breathe. he never touched me like this infront of the others. infront of her.

his house was dark except for the light in the living room and up the staircase. the sound of my miu miu boots on the marble made me realize how empty everything sounded.

"are you alone at home?" i asked, kind of excited for the answer.

"yeah, my folks left for something in singapore. you know how it is," he casually said, showing me into a room. "make yourself comfy."

it was his room. i dont know what i imagined, but seeing it, it was so jongho.

trophies for singing competitions, soccer, and some even for academics lined the walls around his massive bed. he had a large mirror directly opposite his bed and a balcony that overlooked the infinity pool in his backyard. i strolled around in admiration, turning around when i heard two loud pats.

jongho sat on his bed and was gesturing for me to do the same. the led lights in his room were red and so dim, making him look far more hot than he already was.

i reluctantly planted myself next to him, my heart rate going higher than a kite. jongho licked his lips and took a heavy breath as he prepared to speak. god he was so attractive, i hated how much i liked him. i left my home at two am just because he asked. fuck.

"thanks for coming to talk," he muttered, his voice deeper and hitting the perfect spot in my ear drums. "i know it was kinda a lot to ask."

i rolled my hair behind my ear and shrugged. "its no big deal. what did you wanna talk about?"

jongho moved closer, now he was so close i could feel the radiation of his body heat. oh god.

"i know ive been hard on you for coming into our friend group and everything. im really sorry for all the mean things i said."

the apology struck me, hitting the thoughts from my brain. that wasnt what i expected.

"i called you clingy and made yasmine think you were a loser," jongho sighed, shaking his head. "she doesnt believe that of course, but im really sorry. i know i can be mean sometimes but its just how i give affection. youre cool with that, right?"

i nodded thoughtlessly. i was just happy to have him talk to me.

"yea, thats fine. i get it. im not that sensitive dont worry," i forced a smile, knowing his insults hurt more than anything. but at least he was sorry. right?

"cool, cool." he smiled down at me. "i hope we can be good friends then, yae. can you do me a favour then?"

"what kind of favour?"

my mind was running wild right then. all the insane teenage hormones were overflowing. the close proximity and how handsome he was, the fact that my short skirt had such easy access. choi jongho was a hard guy to resist. and i was failing.

i didnt hear his words, i was so focused on his lips and the cute mole in his neck, i acted without thinking.

i leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, softly grabbing the side of his face. i couldnt believe what i was doing. for a second his warm mouth welcomed mine, taking it in fully. then, i felt coldness on my lips as he pulled away.

"what are you doing?" he scoffed, his eyes narrowed spitefully. my stomach shrunk.

"uh–i–" i stammered, only to be cut off.

"are you fucking kidding me right now? are you deaf?" he raised his voice. "did you not just hear me ask is yasmine if interested in anyone? why the fuck would you kiss me."

"im sorry–i–" i couldnt believe what i just did. what was wrong with me. he wanted to know about yasmine. not me. what the fuck. this was so awkward.

wait. so i read everything...wrong?

"shit," he cursed under his breath. "this is bad."

"is that why you called me here?" i asked, fearing the answer. "to find out if yasmine is interested in anyone?"

"obviously. why else are you useful?" he meanly answered. i felt an embarrassed pang in my chest. "did you think i liked you?"

the mocking laugh that fell from his lips after made me flinch. because how stupid was i to think he actually saw me differently now.

to think that someone like him could actually like someone like me.

"youre so fucking naive, yaera," he kept driving the knife in, shaking his head with that taunting smile. "just cause you look like your sister doesnt mean you should have the same confidence. youre setting yourself up."

i remembered the first day i sat with yasmine's friend group, jongho pointed out that even though we were twins, i wasnt nearly as attractive as yasmine. i laughed it off awkwardly because i thought he was joking.

"you know desperation is unattractive as fuck, right? i cant believe you drove here at two in the morning because you thought i liked you."

i was shivering in my skin, trying not to completely burst into tears. my entire body was flushing hot with anger and spite, and the most embarrassing of all–heartbreak. because deep down i knew he would never get over my sister. it made me insane.

why did everyone fucking act like i wasnt worthy of being liked just like everyone else? but as soon as they saw the scars on my arms they wanted to tell me the same bullshit.

youre loved, yaera.

stop hurting yourself, yaera.

stop using this for attention, yaera.

i couldnt bear to stay a second longer. i wiped the wetness of my cheeks and got up from the bed, immediately going to leave. jongho got up and tugged at my wrist, pulling me back to him.

"you havent told me about your sister yet," jongho said, making my rage spike. because who the fuck did he think he was. "cmon, dont cry because of silly shit like that. its water under the bridge."

"i hate you," i seethed through my tears. "i dont know why yasmine is friends with someone like you in the first place."

"because shes like me," jongho taunted. "and thats what you refuse to see. you dont realize how much of a burden you are to her. you dont realize the only reason she hasnt ditched you yet is because youre related to her."

okay, so he was continuing then?

"you always act like youre so perfect," i spat. "you talk about how much of a burden i am? imagine how much of a burden you are to yasmine because you keep trying to date her. shes never gonna like you. you're just another guy friend in her collection, cunt."

i ripped my arm from his grip and stormed out of his room. he followed me till i reached the bottom of the staircase, where he just watched me spitefully from the railing. now he was angry? of course. pieces of shit like jongho were great at dishing it out and not taking it back.

i felt so petty. he could have rejected me normally but he thought he could say whatever he wanted to me. tearing the little self esteem i had down was fun for him.

i turned around and smiled. "you really wanna know what yasmine thinks of you? she doesnt. in fact, she snuck out of the house to meet someone. shes probably getting fucked as we speak. enjoy that mental image, fucker."

"get the fuck out of my house!"

***

YAERA

an hour has passed since san left me in his apartment. im worried and have a weird feeling in my stomach just imagining what he's doing right now.

despite the anger i feel toward him, i hope he's safe. that's all I hope for. he's hurt badly, looking more damaged than when he fought the last time. he definetely has open wounds. so i look around for any first aid. he's gonna need it for when he comes back.

i rummage through his cabinets. there's so much empty spaces but its filled with random stuff. this guy needs to go shopping. he has so much expired medicine. i find a thin roll of bandages and plasters in the very back of a cupboard but when i take them out, something falls on the ground.

its a folded up piece of paper. when i pick it up, i realize its actually a crumbled up picture. a picture of a family.

my stomach immediately sinks.

a young asian lady and her husband are holding their toddler son. it looks like theyre at a carnival. everyone is smiling, except for the kid. hes pouting.

he was so cute as a baby.

a weird feeling of melancholy hits me hard realizing the people in this picture are no longer around.

san lives alone. apparently hes been alone for a long time. i can tell by the way he operates. hes selfish, not even in a bad way. i get why he caters for himself and tries to keep away from others.

im not even angry anymore. it just makes me sad.

i put the picture back where i found it and go sit by the bed. san doesnt have any alcohol in his house, so i end up having to look up the nearest pharmacy.

i make a quick run for it, deciding to buy him some more medicine and fill up my asthma pump while im at it. i dont know why im doing this when he probably hates me. i guess im always gonna be a sucker for the men i like.

when i get back, his door is unlocked. i panic, but then i find him and his friend eyeing me like they want to kill me.

"where were you?!" san asks me, raising his voice. "dont walk around here. you know this isnt the suburbs."

i lift the pharmacy bag. "i was just getting you medicine. i threw out your expired packs. which were all of them, by the way."

he has a lost look on his face. i turn to his "cousin" and hold my hand out. "the name's yaera marino, san's fake girlfriend. good to officially meet you."

"im wooyoung. san's fake cousin," he says, taking my hand with reluctance.

"are you sleeping here tonight?" i ask him.

"yes he is," san answers. "we're sharing a mattress. you can still sleep on my bed."

i feel a pang of jealously. goddamn it that should be me.

i nod to san. "go take a shower. im gonna give you first aid."

san is confused, looking at me like he doesnt understand english. "you know how to do first aid?"

"i learned it when i was still doing karate. go shower." i chase him away with my hand.

san awkwardly goes off, leaving me alone with wooyoung. i quietly take in the boy, who now that i can see clearly, is obviously younger than san. i cant believe hes in the gang too.

"what took you so long?" i ask him, frowning. "i was worried."

"we had to get rid of the license plate," wooyoung answers, his tone curt and cold. "and you were worried? dont make me laugh."

his words are sharp and sound spiteful. im guessing he knows how san and i began this partnership. i hold my tongue and let him snap.

"you dont care about san. youre using him," he says, but still quiet enough so that san doesnt overhear. "i just want you to know, i can make you disappear at any time i want. all i need is the greenlight from san and you'll be scattered across a lake."

"you think that will protect him?" i ask with a wry smile. wooyoung's fist clenches on the side of him, his knuckles bloody and bruised.

"what makes you think i dont have a million copies of that video? that i dont have a plan in case one of you hurt me? im not some dumb bitch."

wooyoung shakes his head and laughs scornfully. what did he expect me to say? shiver me timbers? i literally know he shot someone tonight.

"and here san thinks you wouldnt hurt him. i dont care what kind of plan you have. if you hurt san, i'll fucking kill you myself," he threatens.

i wouldnt ever hurt him. not even in my dreams. unless he hurts me first, then fuck him.

"trust me, i wont be an issue," i say nonchalantly, sitting on the bed. i lean back and feel a pain in the spot where san kicked me. right above my boobs.

"i just need enough money by the end of the school year. then i'll go back to my country and disappear from your lives forever."

"do you know how much of a risk this is? what san is letting you do?" wooyoung scoffs. "thats if you even make it to the end of the year. if anyone finds out about this, youre both fucked."

"no ones gonna find out unless you tell them," i eye him sharply. i dont trust this guy but apparently san does, enough to tell him about our parternship.

"san has a hard life already. you should just get out of his life," wooyoung snaps. "if you knew why he was in the gang, you'd never ask him to do what youre doing now."

his words somehow make me feel guilty. but why? why should i feel guilty when san doesnt even tell me whats going on.

"woo."

wooyoung's demeanor changes when he hears san's voice. he immediately stiffens and acts completely clueless.

my breath gets stuck in my throat. san is standing there in nothing but a white tank top and a striped red pyjamma pants. his muscles and skinny waist are on perfect display. my mouth suddenly goes dry.

no. fuck. yaera, focus.

"what are you doing?" san asks like hes talking to a kid. i find it highly amusing but keep my face blank.

"i was just defending you," wooyoung says with a scowl.

"im not in any danger. like i told you."

"yeah but–"

"jung wooyoung."

wooyoung groans at san's warning and shoots me a hard glare telling me this conversation isnt close to over. he storms into san's extra room and shuts the door, probably thinking the worst of the situation.

i cant lie, despite his intimidating and handsome appearance, i cant take him seriously at all. i find it endearing that he cares so much about san that he even threatened me. so san isnt alone after all.

he looks at me and sighs, his face adorably awkward. the black strands of his hair are wavy against his forehead, making him look so soft despite the bruises and cuts on his face.

its embarrassing how quickly i forgot how badly i wanted to hurt him today.

"sorry about wooyoung," he says and comes to sits down on the bed. "hes just...possessive."

"you mean protective," i correct him and smile. "its good that you have someone looking out for you. you need it."

san goes quiet but is looking at me like he has a lot on his mind. right, he had to get someone killed tonight. how could i forget.

i take out the first aid materials and scoot closer to him. the warmth of his body is already wafting towards me, the scent of the soap so potent on his skin. its an intoxicating smell.

"can i see where you got hurt?" my voice is so hesitant it doesnt even sound like me.

san is slow with lifting his top. i refrain from visibly gulping at the sight of his beautiful lower body, my mouth going dry when i notice the large gashes against his ribs. they cut him with a knife.

"why would you put on a white shirt to bed?" i ask him with a scowl.

"the bleeding stopped in the shower," san shrugs embarrassedly. "plus this was all i could find."

i inspect the wound and it looks like he cleaned a whole lot of it in the shower. "it looks like i just have to put ointment on and wrap you. you need to go to the doctor if it gets infected, you know that right?"

"i dont think that will be necessary. ive never needed to before," san says coolly.

i cant believe hes just brushing this off. "how often do you get injured like this?" i ask him as i dip a finger into the antibiotic cream. i gently run it over his gashes and he winces. .

"now and then," he forces out, as if trying to hide that it hurts. "it wouldnt really matter the extent. i'd still have to go to school."

i roll my eyes. of course. the perfect student.

i rub in the ointment and it feels like my cheeks are on fire. ive never been this close to anyone. ive never done this for anyone. my hands are shaking as i reach for the sterile bandage.

"are we ever going to talk about what happened tonight?" i ask quietly. "because i dont want us to forget."

san is staring through my soul with his intimidating, and pretty brown eyes. i can see him withdrawing. hes already far away.

"i know i was reckless and im sorry. but please dont lie to me, san. i really fucking hate not knowing whats going on. i know you were probably trying to protect me, but you could have been honest."

i expect him to say sorry too. but only silence is returned.

"i wont lie to you again. ive seen the effects it has," he mutters.

"i dont want our partnership to be us just lying to and antagonizing each other. i know you dont trust me. but we're gonna have to trust each other for this shit to work."

"i do trust you," san says after a few moments pass. he tightens as i roll the bandage around his torso. "i just dont trust myself. and everyone else."

i stay quiet hoping for him to elaborate. i feel it coming. the hope is bubbling in my chest.

"i watched yunho die," his voice is flat, as if drained from emotion. "he got stabbed right infront of wooyoung and i. we should be used to it, we've seen tons of people come and go in the last four years."

i finish bandaging him and lower his shirt reluctantly. san watches my every move, and im surprised he lets me.

"im sorry you had to go through that so young," i tell him, genuinely. the look on his face is so distant that it feels like hes given up a long time ago.

"is this is how its gonna be? forever?" i ask. "is there any way out of this for you?"

i remember san implying that he wasnt doing this out of his freewill. which means his boss must have a lot of leverage over him.

"i dont know. im still trying to figure that out."

"what do they have on you?"

san chuckles darkly, his soft laugh full of scorn and hopelessness. "well, they know where i live, for starters. they know where i go to school. they know everything about me."

and his parents? where the fuck are your parents san?

he can see the question in my eyes. his smile is filled with gloom. "you can thank my dad for that. hes the reason all of this started. the reason ive been in this servitude for most of my childhood."

i frown. "servitude?"

"my dad...he was a shit guy," san sighs. "he was an alcoholic gangster with gambling tendencies. he made a bet with the 105ths he couldnt repay. so he took off. and when they couldnt make him pay it off, they took me instead."

"im paying off hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, thanks to my shit father. and i dont have any money so i had to give all i could so they dont kill me. myself."

i cant believe it. san is basically in a slave contract. and theres nothing he can do about it. my chest feels tight.

"what about your mom?" i ask softly. 

san shrugs and lays down on the bed, looking straight at the ceiling as he crosses his arms behind his head.

"shes gone. she left when the gang stuff got too complicated. they sent a warning to our apartment telling my dad to pay his debt, in the form of a petrol bomb. it scared the shit out of her, so she took off."

"without you!?" i ask incredulously.

"while i was at school. i just got used to it. coming home to nothing."

what kind of parents...fuck. i cant even say anything. im just fucking sad. i feel a hundred times worse about blackmailing him now.

"the 105ths said they would let me go if i paid off everything. theyre still letting me go to school as long as i dont neglect the gang."

"what if you ran away?" i ask curiously. san stares at me blankly.

"they would find me and do to me what they did to yunho. or even worse. its not worth it really. im just hoping it ends soon. then ill disappear. for good."

and now im dampening his plans by making him share his money with me. god i hate myself.

"how much do you owe?"

"i dont know. i just know the deal ends when miss A calls it off. she deems how much is enough."

i scowl. "what? and what if it never gets called off? what if they trap you here?"

"im hoping it wont come to that. ive been loyal for a long time."

that doesnt mean shit when people only love using you. but i dont say that. it already means so much that san decided to say something. to be honest. i cant lie and act like im okay after hearing the truth. but i wont pity him. san deserves better than that.

"ill help you," i look down at him fiercely. "ill help you cancel out your dads debt."

san looks at me deeply. "thats not necessary."

i hold out a hand. "dont even say it. get a fixed amount from your boss and ill help you get it."

"why would you do that?"

my stomach turns at the question. i dont even know. i cant say its because of the mild lady boner i have for him. its more than that. choi san deserves more than what happened to him.

"its only fair, isnt it?" i say with a small smile. "i get to go back home and you get to go to...where was it? nottingham?"

he wants to study pharmacy. i wonder if he meant that.

sans cheeks are red. is he...blushing?

"why do you remember that?" he asks with a soft groan.

i chuckle to myself. "cause its weird as fuck. england? what the hell do you wanna do in england? seriously if you want to go to europe there are so many better places. why nottingham?"

san shrugs embarrassedly. "i like football."

"you? like football?" i scoff. "that's the reason you wanna live in england?"

"why do you sound so shocked? can't i like football?" he asks defensively.

"you don't even look like you've watched soccer a day in your life. i'd never guess that you'd like an english team."

san snorts and laughs to himself a little. my legs go jelly a little. i keep underestimating how adorable he can be.

"my mother is a huge soccer fan," he admits fondly. my smile is quick to fall away. "once we went to watch her favourite team play in nottingham. she was so excited about it, she got me interested in it."

i feel myself soften. "so you want to go for your mother? is she going to move with you?"

"no," he sighs. i must be shit at connecting the dots because i still dont get it.

"she's in Korea. i can't go back there. i had to give up my Korean citizenship this year because I'm not enlisting."

"so you'll never see her again?"

my question hangs in the air. san doesnt answer it, because even he doesnt know. he still has hope. i can tell. he just doesnt know if its still worth holding onto.

everything has gotten deep so fast.

"maybe we should go to bed. we still have school tomorrow," i say and lie down next to him. theres a small gap between us that i know neither of us will close. but it feels good to hope.

san tries to get up but groans as he holds his injured side. i push him down gently by the shoulder, his eyes slightly widening.

"youre too tired to get up anyway," i say softly. "just stay here. i promise i wont bite."

unless you want me to.

san looks at me awkwardly and nods, lying back down on his back. his eyes are aimed at the ceiling and i pull my knees inward as i lay on my side looking at him.

everything about him is so...i dont even have the words to explain it. i just have a feeling that everything will work out for us exactly the way we want it to.

"thank you," i say. san slowly turns his head and raises his eyebrows at me in confusion.

"for being honest. i know you didnt wanna mention all that. but thanks."

san doesnt say anything more. theres a  ghost of a smile on his face, but its enough for me to hold onto. choi san, maybe youre not actually that much of an asshole.

"goodnight, yaera."

***

san

i thought i imagined it. having her curled up in my arms. i felt it that night, her warm skin against mine and her soft breaths and hair on my chest. i told myself i was imagining it. because the morning after, she was gone.

yaera vanished like thin air. i feel embarrassed for everything that came out of my mouth last night. i cant believe i actually told her what happened to my family.

are you that desperate for friends? i ask the loser in the mirror as i get ready for school. the bruises in my face are so bad it looks like im going to have to wear a mask all day.

wooyoung comes out of the spare room as im almost finished with breakfast. he doesnt greet me with a good morning, instead he looks around expectantly.

"wheres the blackmailer?" he asks sarcastically. "is she also a magician?"

"her parents drop her at school so she left," i answer dryly. "morning to you too, asshole."

wooyoung gives me a bland stare. "you didnt come to bed last night."

"sorry? are we married?"

"what the fuck are you doing san?" wooyoung shouts at me. oh god are we really doing this at six in the morning.  "do you actually like this chick or what?"

"where did you get that idea?" i ask him calmly, knowing it will rile him up even more.

"maybe the fact that you slept in the same bed. youre letting her blackmail you for fucks sake–"

"wooyoung, we both passed out. with clothes on. and didnt i ask you to fucking trust me?" i glare at him. because why is he acting like my wife.

"i dont like this one bit." he shakes his head like a disapproving parent.

"you dont have to like it. all you have to do is let me do the work."

i feel my phone buzz in my pockets. i open it and see a missed call from yeosang. ugh this loser.

i open a message from him and its a birthday invitation. oh shit i almost forgot.

"woo, wanna come with me to a party?" i ask him. maybe he'll be less annoying if he can get the attention of some private school girl too.

"is it gonna be one of those fancy private school prick parties?" woo scowls, then smiles. "free food. im in."

"not to mention you could probably sell some stuff from there."

woo suddenly gets a burst if excitement. "that reminds me, i stole from that black dragon dickhead. we still have to split up the cash."

now that hes reminded me, i move to punch woo in the arm. "owwww!" he yells and shoves me. "what the fuck!"

"youre worried about me getting blackmailed when you possibly started a gang war," i snap at him. "when are you gonna tell miss A?"

"i dont plan to," woo says confidently. my face pales. no way.

"are you serious?" i ask worriedly. woo nods confidently. too confident who saw one of our own get mutilated last night.

"since im keeping your secret, you better keep mine."

thats entirely different, i want to say. i wanna argue with woo but the annoyingly playful nature on his face tells me hes not going to take me seriously at all.

"you know what they say," woo says with a grin. "out of sight, out of mind."

***

yaera

"youre in a good mood," my father notes as we get in the car that morning. and hes right. i cant take the smile off my face because i woke up on choi san's chest.

"i have a good feeling about this week," i say. my mom snorts, her eyes glued to her phone.

"and what brought on this feeling?"

its weird that my father is asking, because he genuinely never seems interested in anything i do. but since we're on the topic...

"miss evans got me a tutor. i invited him to come over after school today, is that okay?" i ask them. my mother immediately turns around with the signature sneer on her face.

"and who is miss evans to assign you a tutor? does she plan to pay for this?" she asks.

"uh? my AP bio teacher? you met her the beginning of the year?" i remind her. "and no, im paying out of my own pocket."

"good," she dryly says. "in that case its fine. the maids will all be home. as long as hes gone by dinner."

i quietly fistbump myself in the backseat, my stomach filled with butterflies. san, in my room, teaching me stuff i dont care about at all. what a dream come true.

best part is? he wont have to meet this family at all.

im skipping out of the car by the time they drop me off at school. i light up a cigarette as i stroll through the parking lot, feeling like a girl from some book who just landed a date with her crush. maybe life is worth living.

"marino!" a voice calls me. i pause in my tracks as i blow out my steam, turning around slowly to see...

...ah fuck.

"hey marino!" kang yeosang calls me with his signature douchebag smirk as he walks up to me. "long time no see."

i take an extra long drag from my cig because god it is needed for any conversation with yeosang.

"what do you want?" i ask him. he acts surprised and offended.

"wow, is that how you greet an old friend?" he shakes his head with a sigh. "kinda mean you know?"

i roll my eyes. "get to what it is you want, you know you and i have never been friends."

yeonsang clicks his tongue, his half smile not even shrunken by an inch. "always the pleasantries with you, marino. i just wanted to know if youve seen lazarus. since i hear you two come as a package nowadays. congrats by the way. you two totally look good together."

"lazarus?" i repeat dumbly. "who the fuck is that?"

"choi san," yeosang giggles like its the funniest thing ever.

"why do you call him lazarus?"

yeosang tilts his head at me like its obvious. "cause hes a scholarship student? hello?"

this fucking asshole. i toss my cigarette at him and he dodges fast enough to my dismay.

"dont call him that," i hiss. "plus why do you want to see him?"

"thats between us men, sweetheart," he says as a matter of fact. "just let him know when you see him, to give me a call. he doesnt answer my messages."

"maybe you should take the hint then."

yeosang looks at me with strange fascination, as if hes high in this very moment. its like he finds me amusing, hes just always giving me that stupid lopsided smile.

"i wonder how it happened, the two of you," he says with a glint of mischief. as if he cant wait to say something offensive. "its just funny how your type went from jongho...to him."

heat hits my face in embarassment. "jongho isnt the only guy ive had a crush on you know, you can stop bringing him up for every fucking thing. we never even dated," i say defensively.

this is why i hate talking to anyone my sister was friends with. all they could talk about was the past. not to mention most of the people she liked were fucking horrible.

"you never dated, but you were in love with him," yeosang childishly points out. "and even if he wont admit it, he probably felt something for you too."

i scoff. no he didnt. choi jongho doesnt love anyone but himself. id learnt that too late.

"i dont care," i grit out. "why are you even bringing this up?"

"yas would have wanted you to be with jongho. especially because he couldnt have her," yeosang just keeps boiling my blood. i cant believe this. i cant believe he just said that.

"i dunno how she would feel seeing you with...lazarus."

"shut the fuck up," i snap.

yeosang lifts his hands in defense. "im just saying because i care, yae. you cant just date someone you dont know. choi san might not be the sweet guy you think he is."

what is he even playing at? does he think san will sell him drugs if he goes around badmouthing him?

"and youre sweet?" i scoff. "you and jongho and whoever else was in that fucked up group? you think you can talk because you knew my sister? dont act like you ever cared about me."

"god youre so sensitive," yeosang laughs meanly. "i was just playing with you. and you wonder why you never got invited to our parties. youre just the strawman of fun arent you?"

"that doesnt make any fucking sense," i snap at him. "i can never get back the time i wasted having this conversation. mind your business and leave me alone, yeah, stronzo? and dont mention san to me ever again."

"dont forget to let him know i was looking for him!" yeosang calls after me as i storm off. i dont even need to turn around to know hes smiling, completely full of himself.

***

i only see san when lunch rolls around. all our common classes are later in the day and ive been obsessively waiting to see him all day. ive got a busy day ahead, my mind set on a very specific target.

i find him by the abandoned stairwell, and its like hes been waiting for me.

he shakes his head at me as i come, i narrow my eyes in confusion.

"am i missing something?" i ask him. "whats with the face?"

"why dont you check your phone?" san grumbles at me. his eyes trail behind me, where i turn to see jongho descending the stairs.

hes smiling like a prick. oh god. two assholes in one day.

"i guess the two of you dont learn," he says tauntingly. "this isnt a place for your dates."

"we havent done anything wrong," san says annoyedly. im glad he finds jongho as annoying as i do.

"maybe not you. but her," jongho turns to me with a smile. "i see your hair still isnt dyed back. you were given two warnings. one more and its suspension. i dont think your failing grades can afford two weeks out."

looking at him now, i dont know what i ever saw in him. im so embarrassed to say ive been rejected by this asshole like a hundred times.

i cant risk detention today. it would spoil mine and san's plans and would just be boring as hell. i guess im going to have to cave.

jongho smirks dreadfully. "why you so quiet, yae? didnt i tell you'd get you back?"

"look, im sorry okay," i say against my will. "i didnt mean to punch you. and ill have my hair dyed by tomorrow. good enough for you?"

san looks between us in confusion. i hope he doesnt ask any questions. if he thinks im crazy now he shouldnt ever hear of jongho-obsessed yaera.

"not good enough, sorry," jongho starts writing on that stupid peach notepad and i sigh. this time he only writes my name. meaning ill have detention without san. miss morri will love this.

"maybe next time you'll watch your mouth," jongho smiles at us before strollling away like the arrogant pig he is. i sigh heavily as san turns to me with narrowed eyes.

"why does he hate you so much?" san asks me annoyedly. "he just came here asking specifically. what did you do?"

"why are you assuming i did something?" i scowl. san gives me an obvious look.

"why else would he hate you that much?"

"because hes an asshole," i scoff. "i might be one too, but im nothing like him. my sister never reciprocated his love and he made it everyone elses problem. he also told me i should have died instead of her."

"what the fuck. he needs help."

"most people at this school do," i sigh. "speaking of help, i need yours."

san gives me his suspicious, pretty eyes. i smile excitedly. "im letting you into my side hustle. you remember how i told you i got my savings?"

"you said you stole most of it..."

"bingo."

san groans. "i hope you dont expect me to help you steal a car or something."

i roll my eyes. he must think im an adrenaline junkie or something. "dont be ridiculous. all i need is a look out before school ends. you think you can do that?"

san sighs hopelessly, surrendering. "what do you need?"

"get me into the boys lockeroom."

"...what are you doing there?"

"if i tell you it wont be special, would it?" i say and he scowls.

"dont do anything stupid. what about detention? are you going?"

i smirk. "obviously not. you still owe me a tutoring session."

san nods in a way that tells me he definetely forgot. how shameless.

"luckily for you, my parents allowed you to come over. and they wont be home till night and i'll make sure youre out of sight before then."

san nods. "just tell me what to bring."

the day goes by quickly until the last period finally rolls around. its geography, and as much as i love this subject, i end up skipping. san is having english and i couldnt convince him to skip, so i wait for him after school near the sportsfield.

the school soccer team are practicing, meaning all the lockerooms are unoccupied. its perfect.

i didnt usually target them, but the plan felt brilliant when i thought of it. usually i went for the girls, they were easy. expensive phone cases, airpods, clothes, and luxury perfume. all things that sold so easily online. people would do anything for a bargain.

can you imagine how much soccer gear would sell? i know damn well not every one of those players were using ALL of their gear.

plus, i need to get back at that asshole jongho. i didnt know his number so i'd just have to look around and guess whose locker smells the most potent and obnoxious.

san comes jogging around the bend, looking so prim and proper in his school blazer. i smirk in greeting. "you ready for some fun?" i ask him.

"i hope this doesnt take long, you know we have to catch the bus if we're going to your house," he reminds me.

i managed to convince my parents i was taking the bus with him home so they didnt have to pick us up. they called the school and made sure san wasnt a trouble maker and questioned his records. you know, a completely normal response.

"dont worry. i'll be in and out, lets go."

i take san's arm and we sneak into the separate building reserved for the boys lockerrooms. of course it smells like stale air, cologne and dampness.

i walk past the lockers and gaze at the numbers and locks. i check my watch. practice ends at 4:30 pm. its currently 4:00.

i nod to san and gesture with my eyes to the door. "guard while i get busy." i take various pins out of my pocket, having brought them specifically for this purpose.

"how are you gonna get those lockers open?" san asks me. i bend down infront of the first locker and start fiddling with my pins.

"lock-picking," i answer distractedly.

"you know how to pick locks?" san says in disbelief.

"you dont?"

"no. im not a weirdo."

"youre such a lousy gangster. arent you supposed to be street smart?"

"im not a gangster," san corrects me with an eye roll. hes feeling sassy today. "im a part time employee."

i cant take him seriously and end up chuckling. the locker clicks open and i find only a folded uniform on the inside. i rummage through the pockets and find a wallet. i open it and theres no cash, only cards. useless because as soon as its found to be missing they'll all be blocked.

i sigh and check deeper. i find a silver watch. its an omega brand. jackpot.

i slip it into my pocket and fold the uniform back. they should really secure these lockers better.

"are you getting somewhere?" san asks as he nervously looks out the door.

"of course," i say with ease and move onto the next locker. its slightly harder to open. i remember a specific scenario like this coming up in the youtube tutorial i watched. all i have to do is whatever that guy did.

it takes longer than i thought. when it pops open i can see san's distressed eyes glaring at me to hurry up.

and thats when i see it. the treasure guaranteed to win us a mini lottery.

"holy shit, look at this baby," i gasp and take out the camera, showing it to san.

"who leaves a camera in their gym locker?" san scowls. "that person deserves to get robbed."

"its expensive too!" i giggle in excitement. "its a Lumix GH5! you know the price of this? we're gonna be fucking rich!"

"who does it belong to?"

i shrug and look back inside the locker. there isnt much except the camera and a few pairs of gym socks and knee pads. "i guess we'll figure it out when we look at it."

i slam the locker shut and we're about to leave when san suddenly shoves me back. i stare at him in confusion as he runs out and i hear voices on the outside.

"what are you doing here?" someone asks him suspiciously. oh god. i recognize that voice. jongho.

"i...was looking for you," san says, and i can tell hes fighting for his life thinking of a good lie. "are there still spots left on the team?"

jongho scoffs. "youre kidding, right?"

theres an awkward silence. oh fuck i need to save him from himself.

"stick to the books, choi san. at least you dont embarrass yourself there."

"no im serious...i wanna join your team. is there anywhere to sign up?"

jongho groans. "im team captain, you have to go with me to the coach for this."

"lets go now then."

"i need to get something from my locker."

"uh...im in a hurry. can we just go now? i cant miss my bus home."

hes trying to get jongho away so i can sneak out. theyre right at the door. ive never held my breath so long.

"ugh! fine! couldnt you have asked earlier?" jongho snaps. "im guessing you need soccer for a sports scholarship too, huh? you wont get into any schools if you suck ass by the way."

i can just picture san's clenched jaw as he holds himself together around jongho. i hear their voices fade and steps grow further away. i stuff the camera and watch into my bag and sprint out and make my way around the school buildings. now i can jump the fence on the other side of the field.

i call san instantly when im alone, looking around for any security. he picks up on the first ring. "hey, im at the fence we jumped after detention. the bus stop is somewhere nearby here."

"okay okay mom, I'll be home right now," san says into the phone and im guessing hes making an excuse to get away from jongho now.

its funny how everything plays out. san gets to me within a few minutes and his face is red with stress. i hold my laugh in.

"next time YOU be the lookout," he says with a scowl and it makes me burst out into laughter.

"i thought you could lie better than that!" i nearly double over from chuckles. "you shouldve heard yourself. seriously youre a criminal and thats how you lie?"

"oh shut it. he wouldve seen you!"

san's angry face is really so adorable. he expects me to take him seriously like this?

"you should have hit him over the head instead," i sigh. "we couldve made him believe everything was a dream."

we jump the fence and end up catching the bus somewhere near my neighbourhood. the entire bus is empty, and san is on the verge of falling asleep, leaning his head against the window. im severely bored and decide to take the camera out to inspect the specs.

its such a good camera. i dont know a lot about cameras but i know by the brand its quality. i wonder which soccer guy has this hobby. maybe he wants to be a professional photographer.

i open the existing pictures and find random pictures of cars, birds, sunsets, and aesthetic places around the school. theres a folder named "her", so i click on it hoping to see something different.

...pictures of me.

thousands of them.

i feel my face pale, which is wrong on so many levels because im brown as fuck. the first few pictures are of me with a cigarette, smoking on and off campus. theyre from a year ago based on my hair colour. the other pictures are dated from two years ago and theyre filled with me in my school uniform.

the point of view is the part that leaves me cold in my bones. from above, places that cant easily be spotted. random corners capturing me sitting on my phone, bending over...looking around...

thats until i realize the lavender scrunchie in my hair. and the lack of bangs.

these arent just pictures of me. in fact, most of them are my sister.

next chapter

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

hope you don’t feel offended about what I have to say but the way you built nc, specially the characters, the way you write their dialogue, interactions, how they share anecdotes from years back and make it feel so raw, the attitude that you gave each one of them without being repetitive, their beliefs, their unique thoughts, behavior, how you explain their thoughts, their quirks and perks... all that makes me feel like I’m reading a whole ass book, like you literally have a whole editorial working beside you in each word you share, I find your imagination and way to portray words so beautiful and natural, so funny. You make me cry and laugh mi lungs out in just a chapter. I came past to the point where I don’t really can empathize with being y/n and I refer and think of her as just an oc, she’s sooooo amazingly well written that it’s not that you were too specific or something that makes me not feel like I’m her; it’s just that your level of writing and development just takes me to a whole new world where nc jungkook is not bts jungkook at all, it’s just his face, you created this man of every pussys dream that resembles but doesn’t the actual jungkook, when I think of nc jungkook I totally dissociate the jeon jungkook from nc jeon jungkook, they are not the same person, and i know that it’s the whole point of fan fiction but for example that doesn’t happen when I read bad boy jk or fuckboy jk or nerd jk, they make me feel off for some reason and I have to really push myself through it cuz is unnatural, fan fiction is about creating this scenario surrounding someone you idolize, but still nc has something that goes beyond that, I personally thinks it’s because of how you portrayed him so meticulously different but familiar, so in the back of my head when I see jk in the pic of nc, something just tells me that he’s an actor portraying nc jk lol, and you go beyond just surrounding our idol and writing about him, it almost feel like he was created for and it only exists in nc

i really feel like that went nowhere, I just wanted to tell you that you are so talented, you are the only writer that makes me feel this way, I feel like they are out of a franchise book characters, that they are known for everyone like Romeo and Juliet, like they are gonna get a movie adaptation. So thanks for sharing a piece of your mind, I’m so grateful that I found you <3

oh my god, the way u said ‘please don't be offended’ in the beginning I thought u were going to roast me or tell me u didn't like it ��� had me SO SCARED TO READ THE REST LMAO, but im glad I did!!!! reading your message just made me feel so stupidly happy and proud about the stories I write (especially nc) and my writing abilities and techniques in general!! ive mentioned this many times, but i don't aspire to be a novelist or have writing be a part of my career, so I know im not the best in certain areas/have rlly amateurish skills and have a lot of room to improve lol, but to read that you think my characters are well developed enough to be considered characters on their own.... like they’re part of a franchise.... made my ego so big fjanfjkaes THANK YOU!!! this ask really made me feel proud of my ability to create characters. since all I write are xreader stories and in these types of stories the physical image of the reader is ambiguous/meant to be blank, I really try my best to make the focus of the ‘reader’ character be their personalities, and im really honored you think ive done a good job of that!!!

I've had a few other ppl tell me before that they don't associate nc jk with the real jk and like its always made sense, bc when I write jk in fan fic im technically just using his LIKENESS and appearance and attributing it to a character that's otherwise my own, but when u said it feels like he’s more of an actor 😭 made me laugh a little lol, all I can imagine is the acting credits in movies ‘JEON JUNGKOOK starring as JEON JUNGKOOK’ rjagkjehb

thank you for taking the time to send me such a thoughtful and heartfelt ask, it really made my day!!!! this ask just made me feel so grateful and happy with the community ive been able to foster on this blog through writing all over again <3333

GH | 22. Live

GH 21  GH 23

It has been a week since Outer Banks was released on Netflix. We all watched the entire show in one long, restless night and I almost cried of how proud I was of my friends. I was sure the show would be a big success and I was so happy to have experienced it with them, they all deserved it a lot. During that week eveyone had their interviews via facetime or zoom and they were also asked to do some lives on Instagram. Since there wasn't much I could do for them I spent my "alone" time editing some photos of the photoshoots we did before the lockdown started. Also, Madison, JD and Austin decided to go back home and spend the rest of the lockdown with their families so the house was somewhat more quiet. I missed them but at the same time it felt good to have more space and not have to wait so much time to use the bathroom. Especially with Madison, she took the longest and somehow I was never able to use the bathroom before her. With Madi gone it also meant that Rudy fulfilled his wish of sharing the bed with me and cuddle. I, of course, wasn't mad about it. Rudy was iniciating an Instagram live on his phone. They would have Madison and JD joining them too. I wanted to go back to my room to keep editing so I wouldn't disturb them but they all insisted in me staying, especially Rudy. They claimed that some fans had actually asked about me and why I wasn't joining the lives since I was quarantining with them. It felt weird to recieve this kind of attention, even though I was kind of used to it from the comments on Instagram. I wasn't part of the cast so I assumed it was supost for people to not give two shits about my existence, but they did, and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. "Mic check, mic check.", Rudy spoke to the camera, sitting between me and Chase. Even though he had the phone facing him and Chase, I still tried to stay as small as possible. I don't know why but I felt nervous. Madison eventually joined the live and the three talked to each other and answered some questions from the fans. "Oh by the way where's Kelly? Tell her I kept her ring by accident!" "Oh she's right here!", I looked up at him from my laptop and he gave me a smile, as if asking me if it was ok for him so "show me". I smiled back and he leaned back, laying his head on my shoulder and there I was, live for thousands of people. "Hi Bailey babe!" "Kelly baby! I have your ring!" "It's ok, just take care of it.", I answered, trying to mask my shyness. The wave of comments towards the fact that Rudys head on my shoulder was making it difficult. "I will obviously!"

"I think you're covering the mic.", I whispered, noticing his hand clumsily holding the phone. "Oops." Rudy's head was still on my shoulder so I was pretty much co-starring on this live. Chase eventually laid his head on Rudy's shoulder so he could appear too.

What is Kelly doing?

"She's looking at pictures of me.", Rudy answered a comment, winking. "I don't have a choice and my eyes hurt already." Chase laughed stupidly which made Madison and I laugh too and Rudy pouted. I pinched his cheek, earning a childish moan from him. "For those who don't know, Kelly's our photographer on the show, you can thank her for the existence of all the dope pictures of the cast.", Chase answered. I blushed and akwardly made a thumps up to the camera making Rudy laugh. "That me." "She's amazing! Please go check her insta out!" "Aw, thanks Bails!"

I want someone to look at me the way rudy looks at kelly

We need a ship name for Rudy and Kelly cause my heart cant take it anymore

"Agree."

I gave an annoying look to the camera, more precisely to Madison, and she just stuck he tongue out, a childish smirk on her lips. "Yeah I'm kinda jealous to be honest.", said Chase. "Oh don't be, you know you have my heart.", Rudy pointed to his heart, his eyes on Chase. "Yeah, I mean, I'm totally thirdwheeling here.", I tried to hide a laugh. "Aw, thanks guys." "Yeah I ship Rudy and Chase more than Rudy and Kelly. No offense Kells." "None taken, same here. "

"Shyrup.", Rudy held a small plastic container in front of the phone camera that was now being held by Chase. "That's soy sauce, dumbass.", I mumbled. Rudy looked at me holding his laugh and pinched my side. I obviously squealed, which made Chase look at us and laugh, he then looked back to the phone and wiggled his eyebrows.

The three of them kept on answering questions and joking around, once in a while including me, not only because I played a part in those jokes but also because the fans asked about me too. I eventually grew more comfortable with the live and everything about it and even answered some questions myself. The comments about Rudy and I were crazy, I laughed at some of them and joked about it along with Rudy. It was a good thing we were comfortable with each other and were actually used to that kind of teasing, thanks to our friends, so it was more fun than awkward.

I love their friendship so much

Kudy would be a cute ship name

I want wat they have

THE SHOW IS SO GOOD

living for Rudy and kellys chemistry

I had tears in my eyes from laughing at a story Rudy was telling about something that happened on set. Maddie and Drew had joined us earlier and were laughing too, along with JD that had replaced Madison on the live. "And then in the back you can see Kelly hiding her laugh behind her camera while Jonas shook his head like a disapointed dad at us. It was crazy!", JD spoke. "Yeah you could actually feel Jonas regreting his life choices, like, that happened daily on set but that moment was just priceless.", I added, still laughing and having the others join me, and pretending not to notice Rudy staring at me through the phone camera.

The live ended, all of us still laughing at our jokes and the memories we digged through. It was now time to start making dinner, which was Drew and mine's duty because, as the others claimed, we were the best cooks in the house. From the living room I could hear Maddie and Chase teasing Rudy reminding him of the comments on the live. Drew decided it was a good idea to join them from the kitchen, pretending I wasn't there. "Kudy actually sounds good.", Maddie commented. "I like Chaselyn.", I said, not bothering to look at them but I knew Chase was blushing and Maddie probably wanted to kill me. Drew laughed beside me, highfiving me. Not that he derseved though. "Relly!", Chase yelled. "No! That's weird." "Rully!", Drew said. "Ew, no." "Maddie we need a ship name!", Drew complained, annoyed by her disagreement. "I think Kudy is the best option!" I looked at Rudy, who was shaking his head with a smile on his face and when he met my gaze he widen his eyes and mouthed a 'help' and I just shook my head too, not even bothering to tame my friends.

_________________________________________

kellyinwinterland Los Angeles, California

Liked by hichasestokes, rudeth and 12,312 others kellyinwinterland Stay home and stay safe 💕 We're keepin it smiley here

user whos here after the live? hichasestokes Shmiley -kellyinwinterland @hichasestokes shmiley shmiley user1 here after falling in love with her and rudy user2 So prettyyy rudeth Get off your phone and give me cuddles -kellyinwinterland @rudeth you're on your phone too 🤡 -user1 @rudeth @kellyinwinterland OH SHIT ASLJKDHBJ I JUST SPAT MY WATER user3 Rudy is not even trying to be subtle anymore JUST CONFIRM IT ALREADY -hichasestokes @user3 He was never subtle -user3 @hichasestokes IM SCREAMIIIING madelyncline Pweettyy -kellyinwinterland @madelyncline 😝❤ user4 I THINK KUDY IS REAL IT HAS TO BE

2020 Fic Year in Review

I got tagged by @godfreysroman and @metalbvcky to do this and I’m kinda hyped for it, this looked really fun from seeing what you guys did! So thank you for the tags!

Total Number of Completed Stories 

11, apparently! Mostly one-shots, but I also have a 120k OC/Matt Murdock fic which. Wow. Kinda can’t believe I finished that 

Total Number of Words 

183340, most of which comes from the aforementioned Daredevil fic, but there’s also probably a couple thousand from unfinished WIPs

Fandoms Written In 

MCU/Captain America and Daredevil, specifically. I know I tagged some things with like, Agents of SHIELD or something, but primarily these are the fandoms my stories actually relate to

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected? 

Oh, jeez, I definitely didn’t think I’d write that many words, or that many stories in general. I’d been in something of a fic writing slump for a while, but especially for Stucky I found a new stride this year (probably because I made some great fandom friends who are constantly inspiring me with their own writing). I don’t know if it’s because I had more time on my hands or just because I desperately needed to find an escape for myself this year, but I wrote far more than I was expecting.

What’s your own favorite story of the year?

Ahhh this is so difficult! But I think... hm, yeah, I think it’s a dream that feels so real to me, my Night at the Museum AU. It was definitely the most creative thing I wrote this year, and it’s one of those stories I just enjoy re-reading for myself, which feels narcissistic but is true nonetheless. I want to expand on that universe so badly, so here’s hoping in the new year I find the energy to get the third installment out

Did you take any writing risks this Year? 

Hm, I’m not really sure. I hadn’t written an OC/Canon Character story in a few years, so Blackout was something of a learning curve for me while I was writing. It’s also the most plot-heavy story I tackled this year, and plot is usually not my strong suit in fanfic, so, yeah. That was probably the most daring story of the year for me

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year? 

I have so, so many stories I want to write in the new year!! Some old AUs I’d love to finish, a few new ones I’m excited about at least looking into further (if anyone has played Fire Emblem: Awakening, please come talk to me about how well Steve and Bucky fit into the roles of Chrom and Robin!!); I want to finish fics this year, mostly, seeing as how I have a bad habit of leaving my stories hanging

Most popular story of the year. 

Oh, that one is easy: Model Behavior, the story where post-WS Bucky falls down a YouTube rabbit hole and uhhhh well, really enjoys some of the media stunts Steve got coerced into doing after the Avengers. Hits, kudos, comments, this is by far the most popular thing I wrote this year, which I think is mostly because it got promoted here on tumblr. But I’m proud of that story so I’m happy it’s done as well as it has

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion. 

Hm, maybe a dream that feels so real to me? It’s kind of a niche AU anyway, so I’m not surprised it didn’t do super well. But like I said, it’s a self-indulgent fic and I love writing for that ‘verse, so I’m not super concerned with its statistics on AO3

Most fun story to write. 

God, I had a blast once I really got into writing The Sunscreen Wars! The dynamic between Steve and Bucky was great, the bickering, the chase scene with a lovely beach backdrop... Sam has a stupidly funny (imo) line in that that I’m particularly proud of

Most unintentionally telling story. 

Ah, that’s... actually definitely the Blackout series as a whole. I ended up writing a lot of myself into the main character, including her sexuality, so uh. Yeah. You get a lot of me in that fic, which was not my intention at all, but is probably a hazard of writing a love story between an OC and one of your favorite characters, so I’m not too miffed about it

Biggest disappointment. 

Huh. I’m not really disappointed with anything I wrote, so... I suppose it’s pretty apt to say I was disappointed with the stories I didn’t write this year? Like, I was so excited to write my Real Steel AU, as well as the alien!Bucky fic I thought of, but neither of those got finished this year despite the ample time on my hands.

Biggest surprise. 

God, probably how my fics (and other people’s fics) have connected me to so many amazing people this year? Like, yelling at each other in the comment section of AO3 has definitely become my love language for these people lmao

_______

This was so fun to go through! It was an interesting way to look back over the year, and good inspiration to try and meet the goals i’m setting for myself for 2021. I have so many fics I want to write, though that may be hampered a little by the job search I’m supposed to start now that I’m finished with undergrad. Ugh. Not the point of this, anyway, so I’ll just say that I hope I have even greater things to round up and reminisce about next year!

I’m tagging a few people, but if you’ve already done it, or aren’t feeling up to doing it, feel free to ignore this. No hard feelings, promise! 

@isabellajack @thiccbuckybarnesfic @im-weapon @minka-g @allegedlyann

im just gonna talk. I apologize for feed spam so I'll just talk under the cut

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also I'm sorry for the complete spam I hope you can ignore me well enough, but I just wanted to say that I feel content for the first time in a while. I've been doing shitty lately but too scared to really say anything about it. my brain is constantly urging me to relapse or do something stupidly insanely harmful to myself. but right now the voice is quiet and I'm allowed to think and I like thinking happy things like this. I wish there was a way to have the voices this quiet without doing it this way (unintentionally high, I think there was something in my drink that I didn't put in there). like if anyone actually reads this and knows a way to quiet the voices in my head so I can think, please let me know. I know things like taking time to take care of myself or positivity things, but when the voices are back they dont really let me do that stuff. so if anyone has a quick and effective way of getting them to be quiet please tell me.

anyways I think I already told you two, but I have the potential to be quadruple gay and I think that's pretty cool. So identity crisis time trying to explain it. Although I'm still confused about how two of the parts work together but I'm gonna try to explain it while I can think. So I'm definitely gay and I think probably pan because I honestly have no preference, a pretty person is a pretty person. I believe I'm ace or at least under that umbrella term because ew. I think I might be nonbinary but I've never really outright said I use that label. because I honestly dont know yet but I'm not comfortable with male or female and I just am who I am but dont know what that is. so I'm hoping it's okay to use at least until I figure it out? and now the confusing part, possiblity of aro???? I'm not really sure because I could have just not really found the right (or any) person yet and I dont really want to use a label just because I'm not really sure. but like thinking about romantic stuff like... it's okay?? but that doesnt really sound like my thing. like I'd like to hang out with people and know them better and do things like dates but not with a romantic intention? just to vibe with the person? idk. but it's confusing because I also said I was pan but idk what about me is oen if in possibly under aroace. like I know they're both umbrella terms, but I dont know where under them I am. or where pan fits? idk identy crisis, yay!!

I wanna do a platonic date with someone. Like we can go to the movies or something and go to a park and just get to know each other better but like platonically. I think that just sounds fun. I need to get a job so I can have money to platonically take someone on a date. I've been meaning to look for places or put in applications but I keep forgetting. Which also reminds me, I want a fuckung sword. Imagine how cool that would be!! I have the money for this nice one that I've been looking at for a while, it's a pretty white longsword with a blue gem in the hilt. I want it so bad. but my parents wont let me get it which i think is stupid. like I'm gay and have themoney, let me get my sword >:(

I want an axe, too. it doesnt necessarily have to be a pretty one because I wanna get strong and chop wood with it. I want to be a lumberjack. like not cut down trees that dont need to be cut down, but anything that has fallen already I wanna chop up with an axe then make things out of it!! I like wood working stuff. it sounds like fun. but I would need the right stuff to do that that I dont have right now. like skills.

that is making me think about another life crisis but I dont wanna think about that so I'm gonna try to think of something else like how I cant wait to move out. because they have stuff planned out for me and what they want me to do but I realized I dont wanna do that. and now I'm thinking and vaguely talking about the crisis I dont wanna think about so I'm gonna think about what I actually want to do. I wanna do the plan thing you came up with where you're gonna have your cottage in a small town and we're gonna live hopefully somewhat close to you and we can visit each other a lot and vibe. you're gonna do what you want to do and work in a museum and talk about the things you enjoy.I dont really know what I want yet but I know I wanna live near you so we can hang out and be a lot closer because you're my family and my best friend. I think I wanna have lots of plants. I want to take better care of them than I do now and. have a lot and spend time with them and make sure they're doing well and growing. I like most plants vibes. they're mostly simple but very pretty and calming and looks like what home should feel like. you feel like what home should. like sometimes when the three of us are playing games like minecraft or something and it's getting all competitive and laughing it feels like home and makes me really happy. I'm excited to leave this place and have a real home.

I wanna leave as much of this as I can behind. and since I don't plan on coming out to them soon or possibly even at all, it might actually be easier to leave. because once I do I can go by Ash everywhere and not the name they gave me. I wont have to feel sad when I have to introduce myself as the name they gave me. and as far as people would know this is my name and the only one. they wouldn't even know what the other one is and cant call me it.

I still dont know what I want, but I know just being there I'll already be happier than here. they upset me a lot here. they say rude and insensitive things and insult me whether they know they are or not. and I think one day when I leave, if they try to justify themselves instead of fixing it, I have the freedom to leave them behind. they're not as bad as a lot of other people's family, especially since I thought compared to other people my family was nice. but still I think unlike the voice says I dont deserve to feel bad about who I am, especially when they're the ones who impacted me that way and made me a lot of who I am. or caused it.

I also cant wait until I move out because I'll have a lot more control of what I can and cant do, how I can be myself, and what kinds if things I'm eating. because right now, my parents dont really buy things that are good for you because it's cheaper to get processed foods. and when they do get better things, they get things I dont like. or I never get any because my siblings have it. bht I guess in some weird way it is good that they make me feel horrible about food stuff because then that's less of the bad stuff that I eat. I don't really like eating at all and I thought that was a good thing becuas ei vcd ont have access to the things I'm supposed to be having. so to me it's better to have nothing than things that are bad. and I've been kinda proud of myself for having less because it's not good stuff. like last night's I had a slice of cheese, half of minimal dinner, then only a little bit of chocolate. but then my siblings got taco bell and now I feel like shit. because I felt bad because they got it specifically for me but I didnt want it but I had it anyways. but I'm proud of how I did today before that!!!!

I want it ti rain. I wanna go outside when there thunder and lightning and pouring rain and just walk around. I want to stand in the rain. the rain makes me happy and calm. I feel safer in the rain. and it's just an overall pleasant thing. of course i don't want it to flood or cause harm to anyone else, but I want it to rain. good thing rain season is coming up soon. it might be cold but I dont care. I've waited too long for it.

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

everything.

I was working one day, and a boy came in for an interview, already wearing his white polo which i thought was silly. He didn't have the job yet but he came in wearing his uniform. He was so handsome. His hair cut perfectly, his beard groomed so well, he smelled incredible, all the time. (Blue Nautica, i still wear it to this day.), His smile was everything. His eyes were the type you could just stare into and get lost. And the little wrinkles underneath his eyes would pop out when he smiled real big.The moment i saw him, i hoped he would be hired for our store. He was. I was excited. Although i was married, he was nice to look at, he was funny, and he seemed so perfect with his flirtacious ways. I looked forward to my shifts with him. We all got to know him and bits and pieces of his story. He was living at pathway, the sober home for boys. He told us about his drinking problem, and how proud of himself he was for being sober now. That is admirable in my  eyes. The efforts to better your life and overcome an addiction is a great thing. Even more of a turn on, for some reason. There came a point where the flirting got more serious. We made a group chat called "squad" with me, him, and another employee/my best friend. It was an innocent thing at first, just pick up lines, flirting, sending pictures in our underwear, never too revealing. He would compliment me and her, and it made us feel good. I wasn't complimented by my husband, i wasnt given attention anymore. I craved it, and this boy gave me exactly what i was looking for. Eventually we started seeing him out of work. He came to a birthday party for my best friends child. He was so good with all of the kids. Mine as well. He was so good with her. I took videos of him playing with her, teaching her how to blow a flute and bubbles. The joy i captured in these videos was amazing, and i still have those videos to this day. That is one thing i can't bring myself to ever get rid of. I remember standing with him outside my car after the party, and our innocent flirting made me so happy and feel so good. This man was perfect. Over the summer we did so much together. From going to Litz almost daily, to hanging out in my friend's apartment, we would stay out all night sometimes. The flirting got really overwhelming between us three at one point. I didn't want to cheat on my husband, even though i knew i wasn't happy in my marriage and didn't want to be with him. I told this boy flat out he would be better off getting with my friend. So he did, that same night. I remember knowing that he was going over there, and i was a mixture of jealous and upset for sure. But what right did i have? I was married..and i told him to go for it with her. They did. The next day i picked her up to go to the mall, and at first she told me nothing happened. It wasn't until we got to the mall that she spilled all the details to me. She and him did hook up. But, he made her promise not to tell me, because he didn't want me to know. She was a good friend to be truthful with me. As for him, i was salty towards him. "Friends dont lie" was our saying for a while. We went to Litz that day and i couldn't help but be rude as hell to him until he admitted it to me. He did, and i let it go because again, i told him to do it. We went for ice cream together that night, and he bought my daughter her first ice cream cone and boy, was it messy. They shared a shake, i took pictures of that too. I loved watching him with my Daughter. It gave me hope that maybe i could still be happy, without her father. He and I hungout alone next. We brought my daughter to gilman. We had so much fun, and trust me, i took pictures then too. So did he. See, thats one thing i really loved about him. He would always capture beautiful moments between me and my daughter. Something nobody else has ever done, and still doesn't to be honest.  When i dropped him off to his sober house, he kissed me. It was amazing. It felt RIGHT. and when we finished kissing, the guy that runs the house was right at my passenger window, watching and waiting for us to be done. How embarassing, right? Yet i drove away with such a big smile. Since then, our relationship kept growing. I loved it. He would always send me cute songs, and i would send him songs back. That was an all the time thing for us. Anytime we thought of eachother, wed make sure the other knew. Out of all the songs, we really stuck to "The way" by Mac Miller and Ariana grande. I loved it, especially because those are my two favorite artists. He had a ton of love for Mac Miller and Ariana Grande. Did i mention he bought me a ticket to see Ariana Grande for my birthday? It was an incredible experience. We started spending every day and night together. I would hangout hangout with him, then id drop my daughter off to her father and go back out for the night. We would always have a good time. I remember we were in my friends parking lot for HOURS, listening to music, playing Uno, shooting these cool things in the sky that would glow. I wanted to show off and do some gymnastics..so i stupidly, took off my shoes for some reason, and did a round off barefoot in the parking lot. I broke my foot that night, but that  didn't stop us from going to price chopper while im hopping sround on one leg because it was probably midnight when i broke my foot and didn't want to go to the hospital. Price chopper was our spot. We even had our own spot we would park. It was 24 hrs, so we would just go play hide and seek in there. We would sit in the parking lot for hours, and just talk and kiss. It felt so right. He was perfect. He was everything i ever wanted. Eventually, he moved onto a new apartment for sober boys. He had his own room and more freedom then. So, i helped him move in. I organized all his things, all his clothes, i got him comfortable there. It was now our spot. We would go there, lay in bed and tell each other stories about ourselves. He told me about his alcoholism, and how he was arrested once because he gave his mother a ride and she had heroin in the vehicle. He told me how she was an addict, and how much he hated heroin and thought it was disgusting. I agreed. Heroin is a drug i can never understand. Why would anyone ever want to shove a needle in themselves and risk dying every single time? It makes no sense. And he agreed with me. He told me that his sister basically took care of him. He loved her. He would always tell me about her. To this day, i would have loved to meet her. We tried once, but i will get to that part. I left my husband september 2nd. I knew what i had with this boy was real, and i was so happy. Happiest ive been in so long. It was a hard, and lifechanging decision i made. I now had to move out of the house we bought, i had to leave all my stuff behind, including my dogs. That killed me. But i knew it was the right decision. I was unhappy for so long, and this boy showed me that there is more to life, and that i didn't have to settle. It was hard for a while, i was scared for a long time. I'll admit, i did go back and forth between my husband and him for a little while. But i knew what i WANTED, and it was him. It was always him, from the second he came into my life. There was so much about this boy that i loved. He was the best, and i truly mean that. He was always there for me. He worked three jobs, and still made time for me. He seemed to have his life together, and i could see myself building a future with him. Things started to change, but they weren't even really big changes. So i thought nothing of it. He stopped working his third job first. But who cared? He still had two jobs. He was still great. He used to spend a lot of money on scratch tickets, that was a big addiction of his. But he would ALWAYS WIN! I swear he had the best luck, he would win $500 so often it was crazy! Another addction he had, was shoes. Ive never seen a man have so many fricken shoes. He was a pretty boy, and ALWAYS looked and smelled so good. I loved that. Sometimes i feel like we were together forever, but looking back, it was such a short time before things started going wrong. He had these pains in his stomach, so i sat with him at the hospital while he was monitored. They gave him morphine to ease his pain. And he ended up getting a few prescriptions. Nothing crazy, they didn't give him any opiods or anything. But the night after, he called me. He sounded fucked up. He wouldn't like, speak to me. The things he was saying made no sense at all, and he sounded very out of it. I asked if he smoked weed, he said no. I asked if he drank, he said no. He said "the lady on the bike gave him some pills" and i was crying, begging him to tell me what he took. Eventually after screaming and crying his name, he snapped back into reality. He swears he never did any drugs that night, but i know how he was acting. I didn't think much into it, probably because i didn't want to believe he would do something like that. I held a grudge for a couple days, and id always randomly ask about that night, hoping one day he would tell me the truth. He never did admit anything about that night. But i know. He didn't really have any more of those episodes. But he started telling little lies. To me, i feel that everyone lies about something at some point. There are so many things i should have noticed, but i didn't. I'm always going to be mad at myself over it. There were signs. So many signs. And i didn't notice them, until it was too late. He started letting his hair grow out more than normal. He stopped shaving as much. He stopped buying scratch tickets. He lost his second job, and was down to one. It started at the end of september. September 28th, 2019. I went to hyper glow with my friends, and he hungout with a mutual friend, who was a heroin addict. At this point, i still was under the impression this boy was just an alcoholic, so i didn't think much into him hanging out with a junkie. I was wrong. I shouldn't have encouraged him to hangout with the guy. I did. I did that. And i'll HATE myself forever for that. I didn't know yet, but what i'm about to explain next, is the beginning of the truth being exposed. I was at work. So was he. And another coworker on shift with us pulled me aside and asked me what was on his neck, and mentioned that lately he has been acting as if he's on drugs. I didn't even notice his neck. I grabbed him and looked, and i asked what it was. He went from "Its an ingrown hair" to "It must be a zit"..He was very defensive about it. Now, i was worried. How was everyone else noticing these things, but i wasn't? I finally made the decision to reach out to his sister. What she had to say, was something i never expected, and i can still feel the pain, shock, and heartbreak i felt that afternoon. She explained he has been a heroin/crack addict since he was a teenager. He has struggled with addiction his whole life. He was never an alcoholic. How did i not know? How could he lie to me SO much, so in depth? I was shocked. I don't think ive ever cried so hard. My perfect boy was not perfect at all. It was all a lie. EVERYTHING. I confronted him. He tried denying, but he knew i knew the truth now. To be honest, i dont think he's ever told me the truth first time around. I have to keep asking the same question over and over again until he finally tells the truth. Some things even now i don't know if it was true or not. I made the decision to help him. I tried to keep him sober. I did everything. I was with him all the time, really. I kept a close eye on him. So i thought. I seemed to not realize the weight he lost. He had nice love handles when we first started hanging out, he had meat on his bones.  He stopped eating actual food. He was only snacking. I didn't notice. I didn't notice he lost weight, because i was with him 24/7. Thinking back, boy was he so skinny. There were times that he wouldn't answer his phone, and i would panic. Was he okay? Did he relapse? Is he dead in his room right now? I have no way to get up there to save him. I was always terrified. I went to the heroin addicts house and got him to come check on my boy with me. He brought narcan. So, he KNEW that he was using. He knew what we might be walking into. He ended up being "Fine"..He just "knodded off"..which also happens when you do drugs. I was in denial. I wouldn't let mysel believe what was right in front of my eyes. Not yet, anyways. We continued our relationship. We would stay out all night, in the price chopper parking lot. Hell, we made it to planet fitness one night. That was the first night we had sex. We would go swimming at queen lake late at night, we would just drive while he sang to me. Boy i loved the way hed look at me and sing certain verses to me. He made me feel special. I think that overpowered all the bad, and that's why i chose to not believe what was happening. I understood why he didn't tell anyone he was a recovering heroin addict. None of us would have given him a chance. We wouldn't have looked at him the same. I don't blame him for lying about that. But, i blame him from keeping it from me once we became as close as we did. We had a different bond, a different relationship, and i thought we would be 100% honest with each other. October 25th, 2019. I got a message from his roommate. He told me he found him in his room, overdosed, and luckily his roommate found him in time to narcan him. He then stole this mans property and took off and sold it. Thats when i knew exactly what i was dealing with. He relapsed. He overdosed. He stole to get money, to do it again. How does one literally DIE from this drug, and still want to do it again and again? That part i'm never going to understand.  Why was ruining his life with these drugs a better option than me? We could have had a life together. We could have had everything. But heroin was more important. I kept trying. I tried for so long. There are so many things that he did to me that i can't even name them all. Like the iphone i gave him? He "lost" it. No. He sold it. I bought him another iphone for his birthday. Guess what he did with that one? Sold it. He got fuvked up and left his car in leominster at a gas station for days, that it got towed. $600 to get it back. Who paid for that? Me. I put it on my credit card. He said he would pay me back. Why was i stupid enough to believe that? I did everything i could for him. I really did. It was never enough. I sent him to detox 4 times..before he actually stayed in the program. I never knew what addiction was like. I never dealt with it. Ive never seen it as up close and personal as i did with him. It changed me. That's the whole reason im writing this. I am not the person i used to be. I am damaged. heartbroken. devastated. hurt. hopeless. mad. sad. frusterated. The list goes on. I feel like a failure. I wanted to save this boy. It was my goal. I tried so hard, i did so much, and he is still sick. It kills me. It haunts me every day. Should i have tried harder? Should i have stayed by his side? It's my fault he relapsed. I know it. He wouldn't let me think that way, but we both knew. If i never went back and forth between him and my husband, things might be different. I know that i'm not at fault for his relapse, but i know i had something to do with it. I will never shake that feeling. There are so many memories i have with him that are now triggers for me. It's like, everywhere i go, i think of last summer when it was us. Going to Litz is hard, because we would always have so much fun playing in the water or relaxing on the beach. We would go to the 140 car wash eally late at night, just to clean my car, to go get his car directly after and clean that one. My favorite video i ever took of him was there. It was such a simple video that wouldn't mean anything to anyone else. But the way he looked at me, and shut the car door, was just a feeling i'll never be able to shake off. He always looked at me like i was special. Like i was the most beautiful and important person, ever. That boy had me wrapped around his finger. He knew it. But to be fair, i think he was wrapped around mine too. He would do anything for me. I trusted him. I trusted him more than anything. That is where i fucked up. Times started to get tough, but i stuck by his side. I wanted to be the one to save him i guess. I needed to. It became my biggest priority. I knew where he was 24/7, because he was always with me. I knew what i was dealing with, to a point. He started needing to borrow money, and of course, i let him. Anything he needed, i made sure he got it, and he took advantage of that.  He ended up jobless. I remember the last day we worked at Dunkins, i was MAD. Mad that i knew what he was doing behind my back. I remember calling him a liar and fighting with him in the parking lot, we made a scene and people were watching. We were screaming at each other, and i punched him right in the face. He then went inside, and i drove off. You'd think that would have been the end of us, but it wasn't even close. We ended up talking again and things got "fine" again, i guess. I started to distance myself a little, but not much. Sometimes i think something was wired wrong in my brain. All these red flags, and i ignored them all. I continued to fall deeper and deeper in love, while being taken advantage of. But i felt NEEDED. I felt as if i was his ONLY chance at redeeming himself and getting sober again. I sent him to his first detox in the end of October, 2019. Detox is a 7 day program. I was at work on the 5th day, and i got a call from him. He needed me to come get him, he got "kicked out for fighting with someone"..i believed that. I picked him up. After that i realized he wasn't kicked out, he WANTED out. And he did exactly that. You can only assume he went right back to using, right? Exactly. Behind my back once again. But i knew. I ALWAYS knew after a while. I noticed the patterns. Yet i still stayed and did everything i could. We found him a place in Leominster to move into. It was a beautiful home. He had his own room, and bathroom, he was the only one living on the first floor. It was great, and it was a place i could bring my daughter as well because there was room to play. Stupid me, i know i shouldn't have brought my daughter around him. But he was NEVER fucked up around us. Yet, anyways. I would sleepover his new place every time i didn't have my baby. I would have to leave at 4am, so i could get to work on time because i opened, but i never minded waking up that early, because sleeping with him all night was worth it. Laying on his chest was my favorite. I couldn't tell you why, but i felt so safe. So loved. So cherished. I felt special, always. I can't leave out the part where i have to admit, our sex was incredible. It really was. There was one time, we had the most intense sex ever. Like five stars, INSANE, sweaty, every position you could think of. He was CRAZY that one night. Come to find out, he died and was narcaned that same morning. So i'm assuming it was mostly the adrenaline from cheating death, again. In me & his entire relationship, i know for sure of him being narcaned 5 times total. There could have been more times, definitely, and probably. But i only know of 5, and they were all fairly close together. Why? Why can someone die from this drug, AND DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN? Why was i never enough for him? Why couldn't be stay sober? He could have REALLY died, and what about me? He never thought of how it would effect me. Heroin is probably the most SELFISH addiction. It makes me sick. After everything i've done for him, he still chose that over me. I started working at a bar. He would always come and sit there with me. I loved his company, truly.  He would sit there and drink soda like a good boy, and i knew he was safe because he was with me. It was when i wasn't with him, that i worried all the time. There was one night at the bar, i made really good money. I made over $100, so i cashed in my small bills for a $100 bill, then the rest $20s. I remember putting my money in my wallet. I had $40 in my car door to give to him for gas, cigarettes, etc. Money his uncle gave me for him, but i was in charge of his money, because his uncle knew what he would do if he had it in his possession. I gave himm the $40 from my car door, i am positive. We were sitting in my car and i let my guard down. What's crazy is he reached into my backseat, and sneakily took money from my wallet. He didn't know i had the $100 bill. He only meant to take small bills so i wouldn't notice as easily. I dropped him off, and he called me telling me i accidently gave him $100 and he was "doing the right thing" by calling me to return it. Then he claimed i never gave him the $40 from my car door, and it mustve fallen out of my car. He went with me all the way back to the bar to look for it in the parking lot. I knew i didn't lose or drop it. I knew he took it and he was trying to cover it up. I hoped when we got there that he would take the money from his pocket, drop it in he parking lot and "find it" and give it back. It was never found though. But, it was never REALLY lost. I let him play innocent and i just played along. I wasn't going to argue and keep calling him out when he refused to tell the truth. There were plenty of times he took money from me. You know, i had $200 worth of change in my car at work. Unlocked. Stupid, i know. I've worked there 5 years though, i knew my car wouldn't get broken into..until it did. He denies it to this day, but i truly believe he stole that money as well. When he needed his fix, he did anything to get it. I guess it's time to bring up the big one now. When he stole my card out of my wallet. I left my purse in my bathroom. I had him over, we were hanging out, trying to find a new program to go to since the one he was at didn't work out. This boy went to detox 4 times before he actually stuck it out, and completed what he needed to do. As i'm trying to help him get better, he's going behind my back, still. Screwing me over. It's November now when this happened. He took my debit card right from my own wallet. I never used that card. It was linked to my husbands account. He knew that, and that's why he took it. He didn't think i would notice. Until my ex went to go take money out to realize his account had been drained. I looked into it, and it was MY card that was being used in the ATMs withdrawing money. I knew it was him. I couldn't believe it. With christmas and my daughters birthday just around the corner, how could he  take so much from me? From him? From HER? An innocent child who he claimed he loved so much. I do believe he loved her. And me. I just think that he had to do whatever he had to do to get his drugs, and didn't care who it hurt or effected. I tried calling him and finding him, but i couldn't. He knew he was caught. I had no choice but to call the bank and shut the card down, and go to the police to file a report against him. End game for us you think? No. Our story didn't end there, I had him for multiple charges, and it i actually did a proper follow up, i could have had him locked up, and i could have gotten all my money back. Which in total, he took about $2000 from me. A smart person would have done that, right? Not me. I decided to give him ANOTHER chance to redeem himself. Go get help. Go into a program and STAY in the program. That's when he went to Washburn house. He did good for a while. I didn't get to talk to him much, he could only call at night, but i would always wait for his call. He finished his detox there and was in the second step of the program. I was proud of him. I was happy that he was finally doing the right thing. After a while, he decided that he didn't need the program anymore, wanted to leave and start his life over, again. He swore he would stay sober, because he wanted to be in our lives so badly. I trusted him. It was a day or two before my birthday that he got released. Yay! I finally got to see him again. I was so happy and so hopeful this time would be different. I have to admit, i have a big mouth. And everyone knew what he had done to me, along with everything he's been doing. The lying, the using, the stealing, everything. So at this point, none of my friends supported my relationship with him. He was bad. I knew that. He did bad things, yes. But, i knew him differenty than everybody else. So to me, their opinions didn't matter. He was everything to me. He still made me feel loved, needed, and happy. I hid my relationship with him. Only a couple friends knew what i was up to. For them, i am forever grateful. The support, the shoulder to cry on when things got bad, the advice yet no judgement. I needed it. To this day, i have a couple friends that still understand me and how hard this last year has been for me. There was a point i didn't think i would recover from this. I couldn't even hold myself together at work, because while i was there, especially saturdays, i would be miserable and cry. Why? Because saturdays used to be my favorte day to work. Because of him. The flirting, the sneaking in the walk in/freezer/back door to kiss. It was sweet, and sneaky, and i LOVED it. Without him there, it was all i could think about. Why couldn't things have stayed that way? Why did it all have to change and get SO complicated? Why did i have to end up so HURT and LOST in the end? Back to my birthday, anyways. He spent the day with me. It was good. I was happy. I had plans with my friends that night. We were partying, i had a whole party at the bar. He couldn't come because again, we were a secret at this point. Everyone hated him and he understood. At this point in my life, i will admit i may have had a drinking problem. Through everything he did to me and put me through, i needed to numb the pain. I spent a lot of time at the bars. I was getting drunk almost every night. It was a routine. He saw what he did to me. He realized that the girl who never drank, seemed to always need a drink now. I got trashed on my birthday of course. It was a great night and i loved every second of it. I kept texting him through the night, and i called him drunk when i got home. Not the first, nor the last drunk call i've made to him. I would always drunk call him a billion times until he would wake up and talk to me because at the end of the night, i only wanted to hear his voice. He would always talk to me about eerything and kept talking to me until i was ready to go to sleep. The day after my birthday was the day shit really hit the fan. I was hungover, obviously. I didn't feel good at all, and i was supposed to hangout with him. I bailed, and he was so mad at me. He was staying at a homeless shelter in fitchburg at that point and found a way to gardner so i didn't have to drive all the way out there. He sat at mcdonalds all day waiting for me, but i was not only hungover. I was coming to realize that i didn't want to be in a relationship i had to hide from everybody else i loved. If i was to be in a relationship, i wanted it to be with someone who could come around my friends and family. That was the day i decided to become distant. He freaked out, like really freaked out. I wish i still had the messages and voicemails. I felt bad, but i knew it was time to do the right thing for myself. That night, he checked back into washburn. He said he drank two nips to get them to let him back in, but i know he had money and could have gotten his heroin. I believe he did, even though he never admitted it. He's back at washburn now, getting help again. This time, he really stuck it out. He completed his programs. I Stayed in contact with him, because i wanted to know how he was doing and how his recovery was going. I would message him almost every day, some nights i would get phone calls. He was always there for me. Through all the bullshit my exhusband would put me through, he was always the one i would call and vent to. He always had the best advice and always made me feel better about whatever situation i was in. Now that we weren't together, i did meet someone else. At the bar, actually. He came in, and i was desperate to get over this boy. He was my rebound. But it didn't go as well as id hoped. He was a coke head/alcoholic. Why did i attract these men that need help? But don't want the help. I ended it with him, because if i was going to fix anyone, it would and will always be the boy that meant everything to me from the day he walked into my life. I never really stopped talking to him. He would sometimes try to ghost me because i would be "better off" which is not a lie. I would be. But i had an attachment to him that nobody could ever break. We stayed in contact. Always checking in on each other. Sometimes we would speak about being together again, though we both knew it would never be possible after all the things he's done. He got a job through washburn. He was doing GREAT. He was  starting to look at cars and apartments back in Gardner. He wanted to come back. I wanted him to come back, i won't deny that. I knew it would be hard for both of us, but i forever want to know what he's doing and i want to watch him become everything he has ever dreamt of. He had real goals this time. And he had every opportunity to get it all done. It kind of made me angry that he was finally going to get an apartment and do better in life, because i needed him to do that for me months ago. We could have been together, we could have had a good life. But at least he's doing the right thing now, right? So i thought. He was sending me all the apartments he was going to look at, and they were all really nice, and in Gardner. Which is what i wanted. I wanted him close. I wanted to know what he was up to and how good he was doing. I was excited for him. He got a car! I'm not sure how, because his red VW was repoed only like, 6 months ago? I know that because i remember the night it happened. We were at the Turtle, and driving home, he got pulled over and didn't have insurance. They towed the car, and i snuck him into my bedroom and he spent the night with me. I think that may have been the last night we spent together. He ended up giving up on the car because he had no money to get it out of the towing garage, no money to insure it, or pay for it. At that point, he hadn't paid on it in a long time. When he went into Washburn, i cleaned out his car. I took what i wanted and what i thought would be important to him. I saw all the narcan in his glove box. Along with SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. He told me once that heroin addicts live off sweets. Boy, they sure did. When i cleaned out his car, i kept his cologne. It was the scent that he always wore. I loved  it. I still wear it now. And i always think of him. The clean, well taken care of, good smelling, perfect boy i loved with my whole heart. At this point, i didn't know where that boy went. Now, i was just frusterated. Frusterated that i fell so har for him, changed my entire life for him, and this is how it ended up. Though, i will admit i am and will forever be grateful. This year, i have learned so many things. I have seen and gone through things that i never thought i would. I overcame things that i thought would tear me down and i would never be the same. Although it's true, i will NEVER be the same, i will always have a spot in my heart for him, but he's made it clear what's more important to him. I met up with him when he first got his new car. He was in the area, and asked me to show him where the waterfall was, where we used to go last summer. I met him, and had him follow me there. He and I talked for like 20 minutes, but it felt..different. But at the same time, i felt comfortable. Like nothing ever happened. He was clean now. At this time, 5 months sober. With a new car. A new job. Apartment searching. He was FINALLY doing it. I couldn't have been happier. But, he never got out of his car. I never got to even hug him, and to be honest, i don't remember the last time i was in his arms. I've tried to kind of blur out everything so i could try and forget. To heal. But realistically, there is no true healing from this. I'll never recover from any of this. But, i am smarter. I have learned. I have grown. And i wouldn't be where i am or who i am today if it wasn't for him. A week or two after i met up with him, i saw his car again. Where i saw it though, i PRAYED it wasn't him. I called him. No answer. I'm crying and panicking now. It was at the crack house that he used to spend all his time at when he was using.  He called back, after i drove by the car a few times. I knew it was his car. It had to be. When he called back, he claimed it was not him and he was on his way home from his sisters. I thought that was strange, considering it was a week day and his sister works a lot. When i drove by again, the car was gone. I reached out to his sister to confirm his story..He lied. No surprise. He's always lied. He was ALMOST 6 months sober. And there he was, back to his shit. Why would he put in all that effort and be SO CLOSE to having everything he's wanted? He threw it all away. I will never understand. He knew i was onto him, he knew his family was onto him, because i always reach out and tell his sister if i suspect anything or see anything. He ended up selling his cellphone, and going "missing"..I was a mess. Really. Knowing he is missing, and using again, he could be dead anywhere and nobody would know. The entire week he was missing, i looked for him for hours every day. I drove around Gardner so much, just hoping i'd find him or at least find someone who has seen him and knew he was okay. He finally posted on facebook that he was fine and checking himself in somewhere to get help again. I had a feeling that wasn't true. I hoped it was, but i think after everything, i know better. That is when i got emails saying someone was hacking into my accounts. Paypal, Venmo, my actual Email, etc. He started stealing money from me again. I tracked it back to him, because he was using his friends phone number, who is a known addict because i caught him lying to me saying he was with him a couple times, saying he was safe, when really he was just getting high with this guy right before i brought him to detox. I tracked the number to his friend, then tracked the number to the address. You'll never guess what the address was? The crack house he loved being at so much. Then i started noticing his car. He would park in different places, but close enough to walk back and forth to the crack house. He knew what he was doing to me again. I'll never understand why he would take from me..when all i've ever done is try to help him. Check up on him. I really thought we had a special relationship, a bond, i thought that him and i would always look out for eachother. But he was still out to fuck me over. I drive by his car every single day now. It's on the main road i take to go everywhere. It's literally 5 minutes from my house, if that. And what KILLS me every day, is that i know he's in there. I know what he's doing. I can't do anything to stop him. At this point, it's a waiting game. I believe you can only cheat death so many times. He has done it a lot, and i worry every day that i'm going to get that call or message that he's gone. I don't think he's coming back this time. I think this is it. I believe that when i get the honor to meet his wonderful sister who has been there for me through all of this, it will be at his funeral. I know i can't save him. I know he has ghosted his family, because he is ashamed of himself and doesn't want them up his ass. This is the life he has chosen. And it is such a shame, because he really has the most beautiful soul, he's a wonderful person, when he is sober. I will never be okay with any of this. I am not coming to terms with anything. I hurt, every single day. The whole point of writing this was to get it all out of my head, so try and heal a little bit. As this comes to an end, i have to admit that i don't feel any less heartbroken. I'll forever think of him every time i drive by that building. Everytime i hear certain songs (there are a LOT of songs that remind me of him, some seem as if i wrote them myself.) Everytime i go anywhere we made a memory, he will forever be in the back of my mind. This will stick with me for my whole life. I know that. So, to the boy that stole my heart the second he walked into dunkins... I hope you always know how much i have cared and loved you from day one. I hope all my efforts to help you, fix you, support you, meant something. I hope my drunk phone calls made you giggle and feel special because it was you i wanted to talk to all the time. I hope you meant everything you said on your list of things you loved about me, because i meant EVERYTHING on mine. I hope you regret chosing heroin over me. I hope you regret stealing from me time and time again. I hope you are ashamed of yourself and how you let the demons take over you. I hope you turn your life back around again, but i won't hold my breath this time. I am preparing for your death, but when it comes, please know i will not be okay. At all. But, you chose this. Nobody wanted to see you end up this way. Your family, your friends, me, we all were routing for you and so proud of you. I wish you were stronger. I wish you fought harder. I wish you didn't give in to the temptations. You could have had a beautiful, happy life. You would have made an amazing husband/father one day. I will never understand you or your choices. I will never regret you. I may never forgive you, but i pray for you. I pray you read this one day, and feel what i feel. And i hope that maybe it's enough to save yourself before it's too late. Nobody can save you but yourself. xo * (so cool) *

2019 year in review

thank you for tagging me, lovely @thesilverrqueen !

(none of these are in order cause my indecision doesn't let me)

Top 5 films (did i even watch 5 movies last year??)

1. shutter island (i had been meaning to watch this one for years and finally did, god.. such a brilliant movie. definitely a fav)

how to train your dragon 3 (httyd franchise coming to an  end??? biggest rip but also cute asf i could rewatch all 3 over and over without getting bored)

spider-man: far from home (a spider-man movie with jake gyllenhaal??? excuse fuckign me of course this is on the list he looked gorgeous w his hair and beard. fuck me jacob.)

ek ladki ko dekha to aisa laga (a lesbian bollywood movie?? in my brown house hold??? thank fucking GOD. cried a lot at the end, still think about it till today and not to mention how much i love sonam kapoor and rajkumar rao)

el camino (GOD... the hurt i felt watching this and looking at jesse... man how i missed him. the pain was caused mostly by me remembering the kid in the yellow oversized hoodie who smiled and laughed and then seeing the traumatised man he’d become. just.. breaking bad sequel done right.)

Top 5 TV-shows (literally the only shows i actually ended up watching this year

peaky blinders (i started a while back, life happened then watched the whole thing again this year w the sis. fuckin wow, i cannot. i miss u john)

fleabag (if you havent watched fleabag???? sis wyd, STOP what you're doing and watch it now. this will probably go down as one of my favourite shows, humour, cynicism, love??)

derry girls (teenagers being allowed to be teenagers for once ffs, not giving us model looking supposed 16 year olds?? thank god. also giving glimpses of how the conflicts of that time affected their lives. just nice)

that 70s show (the episode names really just .. i couldnt stop. season 8 doesnt exist pls and thank u.)

the haunting of hill house (a horror show thats actually good?? it exists?? yes it does. and plus they let me stare at kate, carla, michiel and oliver for 10 episodes.)

(game of thrones who???)

Top 5 songs (can u believe only FIVE SONGS??? this shouldve been 5 albums but i’ll concede) 

mission - catfish and the bottlemen, the balance (ugh that beginning??? van u kill meee, “im sure you know what you’re doing now, if there’s a wall son, knock it down” & “you know i’ve shown you the ropes enough to know that almost dont count for nothing now, so go ahead make the missus proud” then the beat?? ugh i listen to this on repeat and just die;)

2all - catfish and the bottlemen, the balance (hits HARD and in the best way. all of the balance is just so dear to me i can’t imagine this year without it and will definitely be sad not to have new music from the boys until they decide to bless us. “i gave my love to all, all the ones that stuck around” which is also a quote i’ve stuck on my laptop.)

social cues - cage the elephant, social cues (i’ll just say it now, but cage the elephant kills me,, and matt’s voice is just always good to me. so when the album came out ofc i cried. “hide me in the back room, tell me when it’s over. dont know if i can play this part much longer” the way this bit is.. with the change in beat and matt’s singing just thank you. black madonna from the album is another fav)

wars - of monsters and men, fever dream (of monsters and men came out with a new album;........ WHEN I SAY I DIED --I REALLY DID. their music always has been transcendental to me so this one did what was promised. “love you on the weekends, but im careless and im wicked,” just... neato i cannot)

vulture, vulture - of monsters and men, fever dream (favourite song on the album, has been on repeat all fucking year. “i dont know about these heavy hands..” god the line, the way it’s sung just hits me)

Top 5 books

the glass menagerie - tennessee williams (hit me too hard and too close, the whole thing and the ending absolutely wrecked me ,,, tom wtf)

a storm of swords - george r.r. martin (everything about these two parts were just damn, i needED THAT. damn u george)

salt to the sea - ruta sepetys (oh god, i read this in a day whilst listening to handkerchief thief WHILST there was a storm, i got so immersed into it it was fuckin insane. ending is amazing and still sits inside me. the writing is beautiful i could reread this one over and over.)

the magic of reality - richard dawkins (dawkins is just.. explanation of everything in the best way possible for a fellow agnostic/atheist)

the fall of house usher - edgar allan poe (do i really have to elaborate? short story that leaves u unsettled)

5 positive or happy things that happened this year!

came out to my best friends  (who were both supportive as hell)

finished school! (good fucking riddance, cannot think of the last 2 years without getting nauseous)

got closer to a few friends that always manage to make me laugh stupidly (one of which is one of the few people actually staying in the country with me for their studies and has noted that i am now stuck with them for the years to come)

met some incredible people through tumblr (yknow who you babes are)

wrote for someone other than myself and got to practice something i love so dearly (thank you allll so much for allowing me to do so and enjoying something so dear to me)

im tagging @thelandofnothing @yanak324 @jjclarku @starkyards @aryasbadbenergy @princess-of-winterfell99 @watersandwolves and anyone who wants to do this, names aren't coming to me 

WARNING:

Spider-Man Far From Home (FFH) SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

you have been properly warned

again: SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT!!

okkkkk anyone gonna like agree with me on this bc um peter FREAKING parker/ tom FREAKING Holland looks SO SO SO good in the movie to the point where you’re gonna give me a heart attack and also like swoon?? but when he puts on THOSE glasses yep the edith ones on though? like yep im officially deceased. uwu.

also moments that I rlly wanna scream to the world abt:

- tom is so so talented I love him with all my heart and i’m just so askjdnfkasjdkfj proud of him

-mysterio was like “im gonna kill him myself” and I was like:

uh no. no. don’t you dare touch my pretty boy. I swear if you lay a finger on him--

-peter getting hit with the train scene was absolutely heart shattering and brutal to watch I must admit. it was darker than expected. my heart just broke for the boy. like HOW COULD U?!?!?!?

-also when the scenes slowly started to dissolve in like that café/bar scene (where peter being the cutest *sighs* drinks lemonade with a STRAW) I was like no    no no  nononononono !!

-peter and mj are otp and rlly rlly cute and bad at flirting like A plus 110% bad flirting. tom and zendaya do a wonderful job for those scenes!

-the strip scene?? like what? I honestly didn’t really like it....it made me feel really uncomfortable but also like was it funny? and like they kind of did it to add more brad scenes--I felt like it was totally unnecessary and like use brad for other scenes like ooof? idk i’m not hating on it, but it was just extremely weird to watch that’s all. 

-also when peter gets stupidly overprotective of his girl (mj)!!!!

-peter and his thoughtfulness and kindness just !!!! and like freaking fact that mysterio took advantage of that um? hello? NO just NO

- the first end credits scene!!! - HAPPY AND PETER ON THE JET with the tony talk? I CRIED aaskjfbk

- ANDDDD ladies and gents! last but not least the “swan dive” KISSES holy cow I almost died. too cute. i’m v v glad they didn’t make it like a totally unrealistic makeout heated kissing scene ya know? instead it was an awkward I really like you first time kiss. and i’m living for it!! it was phenomenal!!

the entire spidey cast was absolutely amazing. i’m blown away. thank you for making this movie!! can’t see where it takes the mcu next and also tom holland im so proud of my baby like just wow he’s going places!!!

and that concludes my ted talk on Spider-Man ffh. hope y’all enjoyed hahaha. 

Wangxian week

Day 1: Firsts/Longing

He was used to it.

When they were young, Lan Wangji was constantly irritated by his mere presence, always calling him shameless and hating his teasing and undisciplined self. Always denying to be close to him, wanting Wei Wuxian far away from him.

"We're not close." Lan Wangji said, refusing to even look at him.

He always laughed, trying to convince himself that Lan Wangji wasn't serious, ignoring the slight pain his heart felt with those words.

But as time passed, Wei Wuxian forgot how it felt to be rejected by Lan Wangji. His husband now always pays attention to him, lets him tease, does and gives everything Wei Wuxian wants. He loves and accepts him completely, spoils his husband to no end.

Lan Wangji openly loves and gives himself to Wei Wuxian.

So it hurts.

They had their first fight. The couple were night hunting, and Wei Wuxian was in the process of forming a new core, so he promised to be careful. But they encountered an unexpectedly strong corpse, full of resentful energy, surrounded by a few weak corpses.

Lan Wangji fought with BiChen, defeating the corpses with grace, and Wei Wuxian was in the back, playing his Chenqing, trying to appease the strong corpse. It was strong, but nothing Wei Wuxian couldn't control.

But then he saw Lan Wangji fighting, mesmerized with the beauty of his husband's body, his technique with the sword, felt so lucky to have him there, to fight by his side. Wei Wuxian lost his focus.

And the strong corpse was once again fully controlled by their resentful energy.

When Wei Wuxian noticed this, the corpse was just a few meters away from him, so he decided to fight it with his sword. Since he was forming a new core, Wei Wuxian was now training with SuiBian, which Jiang Cheng has given to him because he refused to even use it, it was Wei Wuxian's after all.

Wei Wuxian was a talented man, so he effortlessly dominated his sword in this new body, but he lacked spiritual energy, so his attacks were weak. The corpse received his attacks without much harm, and Wei Wuxian easily avoided the corpse's attacks.

But as time passed, Wei Wuxian could feel he was starting to get tired. And corpses do not get tired, so he was at disadvantage.

'This body is so weak! In my original body I could've easily defeated this corpse in a minute...' he thought, sighing.

His husband had just defeated the last weak corpse when he saw the trouble Wei Wuxian was in. Wei Wuxian was tired and cornered by the corpse, walking backwards. Lan Wangji was in no time by his side, and with his strong spiritual power, defeated the bothersome corpse with Chenqing's melody in the back to help.

Surrounded with fallen corpses, Lan Wangji walked towards Wei Wuxian, making sure there was no harm in his body.

"Lan Zhan, don't worry, I'm fine, I'm fine! Just a little tired, but nothing wrong happened to me." Wei Wuxian tried to reassure his husband.

"Told you to be careful, you promised." Lan Wangji replied, slightly frowning.

"Yes, I know! And im sorry, Lan Zhan, really. But nothing happened, you were there to save me, thank you, Lan Zhan!"

"You could've been hurt."

"But I'm not, I'm fine!"

"If I wasn't here..."

"But you are here! And if you weren't, I would've found a way to defeat it, I'm not weak, Lan Zhan." Wei Wuxian started to feel a little annoyed.

"But you are still forming a new core, Wei Ying. You have to be careful."

"I was being careful, and it's not as if I constantly need to be saved, I can take care of myself perfectly well."

"Doesn't look like it."

"What do you mean with that? I have been alone and perfectly fine for almost half of my first life time. I don't need you to protect me."

"I'm your husband, and I will protect you."

"But I'm not a weak princess in distress! I'm a grown strong man, and you should trust my abilities, just as I trust yours."

"Wei Ying, try to understand, you need to be careful."

"And I was being careful! Stop implying that I purposefully put myself in front of the corpse to get killed!"

"I did not say that."

"But it feels like it, and I don't really want to talk to you right now, so lets go back." Wei Wuxian said, walking to GusuLan and leaving Lan Wangji behind.

Since then, it has been two days. Two days of hurt and longing. Two days since their first fight as husbands.

He knew it was stupid, that he just felt hurt and weak because of Lan Wangji's protectiveness. And he knows his husband was just worried, doesn't want to lose Wei Wuxian again.

It frustrated him to no end how weak and useless he was in this new body, sometimes he wished to have just one more time his original body, to be able to fight by Lan Wangji’s side as an equal, to not need his husband’s constant protection. He knew he shouldn’t have let his frustration blind him.

But when Lan Wangji didn't sleep by his side after their argument, he knew his husband didn't want to see him. His heart broke a little, or it just felt like it, and if Lan Wangji didn't want to see him, he wouldn't bother him with his annoying presence.

Wei Wuxian hoped Lan Wangji would forgive him someday.

In those two days, he had been literally lifeless. He just didn't feel like talking, smiling or even walking. Wei Wuxian was depressed, he missed Lan Wangji’s attention, his love and touches, Lan Wangji was something Wei Wuxian needed, as the air to breath.

The juniors noticed the change in Wei Wuxian's behavior, at first they let it pass, but now there were just two whole days of lifeless Wei Wuxian and it was a really worrisome matter.

So Lan Shizui was sent to talk to Wei Wuxian, by no other than Lan Jingyi.

"It's just soooo weird to see him like that. Lan Shizui, you must do something!" he shouted to his friend. Lan Shizui smiled at his friends un-Lan self.

So he hesitantly went to the jingshi, knowing that just him an Lan Jingyi were permitted to go there after Hanguang-Jun and Wei Wuxian's marriage.

"Um, Senior Wei, I have noticed you have been quite depressed, so, if there's something I could do, wouldn't you mind to tell me what has happened?" He asked.

Wei Wuxian looked as if he didn’t slept in a whole week. His usual ponytail was now gone, replaced by a messy hair, he was pale and just sad, really sad.

“A-Yuan... How is Lan Wangji doing?” Wei Wuxian asked, his voice was weak.

The question took him by surprise, but Lan Shizui decided to answer anyway. “Hanguang-Jun is fine, but I have noticed that he has been a little off lately, quiet and tired... oh" now Lan Shizui realized. "Senior Wei, has something happened between you Hanguang-Jun?” Lan Shizui asked, concerned.

Something inside Wei Wuxian just broke “I miss him so much, A-Yuan, I was so stupid and unconsiderated. I hurted Lan Zhan’s feelings! I just hate the weakness of this body, and got angry at Lan Zhan just because he protected me. I’m the worst husband in the world! Lan Zhan deserves better, he will never forgive me.“ Wei Wuxian whined, relieved to be finally able to say what he feels.

“I’m don’t really understand what happend, but, Senior Wei, I’m sure that, whatever you have done, Hanguang-Jun will always forgive you. He loves you a lot, and this is clearly just acase of miscommunication. So, Senior Wei, I recommend you to simply talk to him, tell him what it bothered you and listen to him too. I know you two can go through this.“ Lan Shizui said, smiling to Wei Wuxian.

“Ahahahah A-Yuan! I really raised you well, didn’t I? You became such a wise little man, I’m so proud of you!“ Wei Wuxian exclamated, hugging Lan Shizui.

Lan Shizui sighed, happy to see the usual energized Wei Wuxian. 

“Now, I’ll go talk to my lovely husband! Thank you, A-Yuan!” Wei Wuxian shouted, running out of the jingshi, looking for Lan Wangji. He found him in the garden, surrounded by little bunnies. Wei Wuxian missed him so much, this two days were torture.

“Lan Zhan...” he whispered, behind a tree, stupidly afraid to confront him.

“Wei Ying.” Lan Wangji said, looking at the tree. Wei Wuxian has been found.

He slowly walked away from the tree, and looked at his husband's eyes, and couldn't resist the impulse to just go to him.

So, breathing in, Wei Wuxian walked, no, ran towards his husband, and threw himself towards his arms, knew he would catch him.

'He always catches me, I trust him'

And he did. Lan Wangji was surprised, but held him against his body. Wei Wuxian put his arms around his neck and smelled his oh, so familiar sandalwood sent. He missed him so much.

Lan Wangji was surprised, but he still hugged him just as tightly. He missed the warmth of his body, and loved the little kisses his husband gave to him in his neck.

Then Wei Wuxian looked at him. "Lan Zhan! I'm so sorry, I... I just felt so useless and got angry at you for protecting me. It frustrated me to be so weak all the time and it's not your fault. I know you just worry about me because tou love me, and I missed you so much, please don leave me again."

"Wei Ying, you are strong, the strongest, i never thought you were weak. And I missed you too, so much, I will never leave you."

It meant so much to him that Lan Wangji saw him as someone powerful, as his equal, not as someone to protect and leave at the back. His husband trusted him and he was so grateful for that.

"But then... why didn't you sleep with with me at the Jingshi?" he asked, still hurt.

"Because you told me you didn't want to talk to me."

"Oh Lan Zhan, you need to know that I'll always want to sleep with you, no matter what. Don't do that to me again, even if we fight, sleep with me. I love you, even if I'm mad."

"Mn, love you too, Wei Ying."

They hugged each other in the grass, Wei Wuxian in Lan Wangji's lap. Both of them were in their own world, only both of them existed. They were in a comfortably silence, not caring if someone sees them.

"I do trust you." Lan Wangji suddenly said.

"Mmm..., what?" he said, a little sleepy because of his lack of rest. Being in his husband's lap was the best.

"You said I didn't trust your power, and I do."

"Oh, Lan Zhan, I love you so so much! You're going to make my heart explode saying those things to me! Oh, Hanguang-Jun, have some mercy, please!" He smiled to him.

They felt complete, after those two long days, it was a relief to have the other close again. So Wei Wuxian did what was needed to be done. He kissed his husband.

After all those days, kissing the other was the best thing. They needed the other's touch, presence. It made them feel like everything was alright again. Their tongues met eachother, and their bodies tried to get closer.

The kiss started to get heated, all the time without touching the other was torture. Lan Wangji's hands went down Wei Wuxian's hips, and gripped his butt. His husband half laughed half moaned against his lips, gripping the soft long hair of his lover.

"Hmm, Lan Zhan~ we are in the middle of the garden, surrounded by bunnies, so shameless, Hanguang-Jun." he teasingly said, biting his lips.

"Don't care, need you now." He gripped his butt tighter, making Wei Wuxian moan a little loud.

"L-Lan Zhan, hmmm..." Wei Wuxian closed his eyes, trying to focus, almost impossible with those kisses in his neck. "I-if you carry me to the Jingshi, you can do anything you want to me, I promise." Wei Wuxian smirks, undulating his hips against his husband's crotch, making Lan Wangji groan against his neck.

In a incredible speed, Lan Wangji carried him towards the Jingshi, and Wei Wuxian laughed at his husband's eagerness. "Mark your words." He said, looking at him with desire.

And Wei Wuxian knew he would regret his words later. That look just in his beautiful golden eyes meant his husband wouldn't have mercy with him at all.

It exited him as much as it scared him.

And all that could be heard in the Lan sect were "Lan Zhan, please~ have some mercy" and "P-please, Lan Er-gege, gi-give me a minute." and "Ah~ Lan Zhan, please." and a "Mark your words."

"I love you, Lan Zhan."

"Mn, love you too, Wei Ying."

And all was well.

---

So... i did this for the @wangxianweek

I know I'm late, im sorry ㅜㅜ, i accidentally deleted this and had to do it again :( hope you like it!

This is not edited so im sorry for any mistake ^♡^

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

you guys do an admirable job of portraying life and relationships in high school and manage to strike a tone between serious and lighthearted which is awesome to read yet sadly rare for these types of aus which tend to fail to capture this age. like i tend not to go for hs aus so i didn’t read this fic until i saw all the praise for it during its more recent chapters but as soon as i did i was blown away by it, so yeah it means a lot to me and you guys have done brilliantly you should be proud!!

Can i just say that I absolutely love it whenever you go into detail in headcanons for things that would be considered unimportant to the main plot of you make me smile❤❤you two have created an entire universe that’s independent of itself and dosen’t rely on Avalance. Of course i love that its centred around them, but you could write a story from the pov of any character and i’d love it just as much because i’m so invested in this universe and want to be immersed in it as much as possible❤❤

I know Ava makes Sara smile but this story make me smile like I have my morning coffee😍 Love you guys this story is my happy place.

to all of these above asks: honestly, it’s getting to the point where I have no idea what to say or do or how to stop my arms from flailing stupidly when you guys send these kinds of messages. thank you so fucking much. this fic means the world to us and we’re so proud and are so glad it hit the nail with what we intended it to be 💖

+ from someone else:

chapter 22 brings up so many memories for me bc i was also in love with my best friend in highschool and whats going on through ava’s mind is exactly what went through my mind like we were just hanging out with my friends and i realized FUCK im in love w my best friend so much and i distanced myself from her like ava did that it actually hurt her a lot and you guys captured it SO perfectly, thank you for writing this - the anon that made that fanart that one time of the insta thing

❤️❤️❤️

another anon:

Could you post a link to your hsau? new follower here, but I’ve heard so much about it!

you’ve probably found a link by now! but if not, and if anyone is seeing this and is curious, https://archiveofourown.org/series/1029143

and from someone else:

fact of the day: gorgeous is an avalance song and a giant mood for pre friendship hs au avalance

ADDING IT TO THE PLAYLIST NOW which speaking of:

does your (amazing) hs au have a playlist on spotify? light on - maggie rogers is giving me very strong feelings and flashbacks to post prank promposal Ava…

there is a playlist! and we will add this song to it! https://open.spotify.com/user/cilemexx/playlist/43A2ajd2Rnz3Icjxh08pyC?si=eKU5VWSiTZetACS4ASgbrA 🎶🎶

You guys are amazing I hope both of you end up being best-selling authors. Never in a million years I’d imagine myself disliking any character who had legendary Alex Kingston’s face but you made it. Though as a world class sap I keep my fingers crossed for Dinah Lance redemption arc🤗

(will keep u posted on that best selling author thing, i have my fingers crossed!) hahaha, well when we realised that we were giving barbara a redemption arc without even knowingly doing it, we figured one of them needed to still have some family tension going on. and i guess you’ll just have to keep your eyes pealed for future headcanons 😉

Hi! New fan here. The new chapter of your ha au? Wrecked me. Really truly amazing. Wow. An actual masterpiece. (Still scared they’re gonna break up at some point then get back together like 20 years in the future and I’ll literally die crying and screaming but I’ve decided to hang onto my faith)

💛💛💛 and listen. they ain’t breaking up. they go through some rough patches with some considerable Angst that we have headcanoned in huge detail but they never once actually break up bc we could not cope with that. promise 💞

Languages.

Because I don’t feel like writing a prompt today doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try writing at all. I actually thought of this as I fell asleep. I’m just... relieved I remembered. Going to switch up my On The Spot tags so I’m not spoiling who the fuck I’m writing for, that’s why they’re under the tag in the first place.

“What are you doing, Sergei?” Dot laughed, amused. “I know you’re not an entire mute.”

Sergei Dragunov’s hands moved; she knew them to be rough and callous at the fingertips. They were large enough to cup her entire face in the palm of his hand, but surprisingly warm sometimes. That must be because he always had them in his gloves. He was signing to her and for some reason, refusing to talk. Their mind link was always an option but there was a deliberate reason he was doing what he was doing.

“What’s he saying?” There was no mistaking the annoyance in Bennett’s tone as he lowered his head and nearly growled in Dot’s ear. Bennett Graves was a very big person in everything, it seemed. Personality, height, build, and attitude. He clearly did not like the fact he was kept out of the loop by Sergei’s swift signing. He didn’t know sign language!

The three of them sat together this morning; Bennett was always attached to Dot in some way as the overprotective father and Daddy to three pups and His very special little girl. And since the pups, he’s only seemed to have gotten worse in terms of his jealousies and possessiveness. The youngest of two elder brothers, the one of which is his very own twin, he was the baby. He was used to getting away with a lot because Aiden never really pulled his ass in line when they were younger and why shouldn’t he had? There was no real reason to curb the destructive path all three brothers were bound. At least, not until a few years ago. Now Bennett found it hard to be his “normal” self breaking old and hurtful habits to trade them in for gentler hands, kinder words because he wanted to know how to be with Dot without seriously hurting her in any way. He was getting used to the fact that he’s not the center of everything. Dot was. But that was more than okay with him and Bennett was content to tell every-fucking-body who listened the same thing. She and the pups were his whole world and he stubbornly, protectively, and possessively held on to his whole world with both hands.

“Tell him it’s none of his business.”

Dot laughed again. “He says it’s none of your business.”

Bennett’s golden gaze snapped to cold, uncaring blue ones. “Why the fuck can’t he tell me that himself?”

“Yeah, why can’t you, Sergei?” Dot grinned.

Sergei’s hands paused and Dot thought she imagined his expression getting harder. If that were anymore possible. Finally, he signed, “It’s a conversation between you and I.”

“Well, that’s true.” Dot admitted.

“...What did he say?” Bennett repeated, moments away from spitting the next thing through his razor sharp teeth.

“He said it’s a--” Sergei signed again and the movement caught out of the corner of her eye.

“Don’t tell him a thing.”

“I don’t know how you managed to make that sound demanding through your hands...” Dot muttered before looking hopelessly at Bennett. “Sorry, Daddy. But i can’t tell You anything.”

“That’s bullshit!” Bennett shouted, nearly jostling Dot as he stood to his feet. Bennett was always a step away from a aggressive punch in the face and it looked like Sergei was managing to hit all the right buttons -- all without saying a word.

Somewhat.

“Perhaps he should have picked up the habit of signing. Didn’t he say he was going to learn?”

“...Yeah,” Dot said, turning from Sergei’s hands to Bennett again. “Didn’t You say You were going to learn how to sign from Lu?”

Bennett blinked and almost immediately, the flame was snuffed out as the subject caused him to think for a moment. He sat down as he asked, “Lu? Yeah. I could have asked him. But then he said somethin’ stupid and I got mad. So, we don’t like Lu right now and I’m definitely not learnin’ anything from him.”

While Dot would agree that her brothers were stupid, Bennett was more likely to get pissed off by something Luvon said that happened to be an observation he pointed out and it wouldn’t entirely be off the mark. But she didn’t say anything after that, she only reached over and gave her Daddy a comforting pat on the knee. However, Sergei was a lot more open to the idea.

“I like Luvon.”

Dot laughed. “Yeah, well, you would.”

“He would, what?” Bennett asked, a little prickly.

“He said he liked Lu.”

Bennett snorted, “babygirl is right. You fuckin’ would.”

“I like Benedict, too.”

“Aww,” Dot sighed, placing her hands over her heart, happy to hear about Benedict in any capacity. But then she paused as she thought over that group of selective men. “Yeah. I bet the three of you get along really well.”

“I don’t need to know sign language to know his ass lumped Bene in there, too, huh?”

“Wow, Daddy, you really didn’t!”

“He’s not as dumb as he looks.”

Dot hadn’t meant to laugh. It was just such a blunt statement and it had taken her off-guard.

“...What?” Bennett asked.

“N-Nothing, Daddy. He asked how Benedict was doing.”

“That is not what I asked, little fibbing girl.”

Dot ignored that particular phrased sign. Bennett was already talking which spared her from looking Sergei in the face to see the matching expression.

“How should I know? The three of y’all hang out so much, it’s annoyin’. Shouldn’t you feel him in your dick or something?”

“I take back what I said about him not being as dumb as he looks.”

Dot breathed in deeply through her nose. “No, Daddy, that’s You and Cavon.”

“...Is that what he said?”

“That’s what i’m saying!”

“Oh. Then you’d be right.”

“We exchange messages through our phones like normal people.”

Dot laughed again and Bennett immediately looked suspicious.

“I really don’t like that I can’t fuckin’ understand him.”

“He just said they exchange texts. Like normal people.”

Bennett’s closed fist came down upon the coffee table in front of them. “THAT JUST MAKES ME AND BRO-BRO SPECIAL. SUCK THAT, YA DEAD LOOKIN’ BASTARD!”

“Daddy, that’s not very nice...” Dot scolded gently, turning to look over at Sergei. He wasn’t signing anymore. But his face certainly didn’t look too bothered. He was regarding Bennett the exact way Benedict or Luvon would -- almost with boredom and he’d let Bennett throw his fit, to let him do all the work of making himself look ridiculous, and getting mad all by himself.

And Bennett caught on.

“GODDAMN IT, THEY DO GET ALONG STUPIDLY WELL!” He threw his hands up, standing. Not as a means to throw a punch at Sergei but he was starting to walk out.

“Where are you going?!” Dot laughed.

“I’M NOT TAKING LESSONS FROM LUVON!” Bennett huffed and growled over his shoulder, “I’M GOING TO FIND YOUR GODDAMN APES AND HAVE THEM TEACH ME!”

“Makes sense he would understand an ape better than any of us.”

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT HE SAID!” Bennett shouted, noting that Sergei had been signing again. He paused before he reached the door, pointing at the both of them. “I’m going to learn my own damn self and then kick his ass for talking shit! BECAUSE I KNOW HE’S TALKIN’ SHIT!”

Dot was laughing into her hands, trying her best to compose herself but the image of Bennett sitting in the middle of all that misty jungle, shirt off, trying to learn sign language with the giant apes was something that kept popping in her head. “Daddy, please, come back.”

“I’M ON A MISSION, BABYGIRL!” Bennett shouted, shutting the door behind him. “I”LL COME BACK WHEN I’M READY!” came his muffled reply before his stomping boots faded down the hall.

“I could have taught you myself!” Dot shouted but Bennett was out of earshot and she knew this because his ass would have come running back, sounding like a rhino. Finally settled back in her seat, she turned to Sergei with a hand lifted towards the door. “Look at what you did.”

Sergei turned her face her again from that uninterested gaze he had kept on Bennett to a softened expression only reserved for Dot. The corner of his scarred lip was faintly tugged upwards in a ghost of a smirk. He didn’t say anything after that but the look on his face said it for him. 

He was entirely proud of running Bennett away to spend the rest of this quiet time with Dot where he can finally put his hands to good use on something, no, someone else.

And Dot realized this way too late as he scooped her up.

MORE UPDATES ON THINGS WHAT HAPPEN

The half week milestone of the hospital house thingie time! I think the term they use for it is "a residential stay"? Cos like its not a hospital its a shared housing block thats just full of doctors. I get to sleep in a real bed and there's a nice community room and board game nights and stuff. But its still really scary how intense the supervision can be! Like they have a window to look into your room once per hour every hour constantly. And they have to go through your undies and catalog them as part of the possessions check. I was not warned about that and it was mega embarassing trying to explain a binder to a bunch of old lady doctors! Oh and i had yo do a urine test today which was possibly the most fuckin embarassing thing in the actual universe. And you're not even allowed to take your own pills! They keep them locked in a big ominous wall of lockers and you have to come into the office and swallow the pill while theyre watching. I guess maybe because some people might be faking their illness and selling their pills on the black market or whatever? But that literally doesnt happen with antidepressants, they have no 'high' or even any effect at all on non-sick people. So it just makes no sense to me and its real embarassing cos like i said i suck at taking pills with plain water and without a straw. The ones i take are real damn chunky things the size of my thumbnail! I think i'l get better at not (literally) choking under pressure over time, tho. Hopefully.

Anyway that's all the bad out of the way! Now the good and the neutral and the just miscellaneous!

Its still nervewracking having to shower in a shared house but they have a cool walk-in shower and ive never tried one of those so it was vaguely interesting. And im allowed to take my showers early at 6am to minimize the chance of anyone else trying to use the door, lol. My biggest fear is having some staff member walk in on me when im naked like back in that homeless hostel. Oh or that time in the homeless hostel where the teenage boys filled the entire bathroom with inflated condoms wall to wall. Like wow so much damn effort to prank the stupid nervous bunni who probably would have been embarassed by literally anything else. Man this place is bringing so many memories of that homeless hostel but at least this time its a place specifically for sick people and they know i'm anxious doing shared cooking and board games and whatever so they dont make fun of me for it. But in a lot of ways that hostel had more freedoms too.. *shrug*

Anyway! A good! I get to have cooking lesson!! I know literally nothing about cooking and now i get to know several thing!! This nice doctor called Josie taught me how to make an omelette and i tasted ham for the first time! That is just how limited my life experiences are, lol. Oh and they want me to say that she's a 'mental health worker' not a doctor, but its all real confusing?? Like they have the staff that look after you and then the only ones we're supposed to call doctors are the ones who actually have the authority to prescribe pills and diagnosies. But like if youre in a hospital you'd call them all doctors, not just the actual surgeon? Or i guess theyre kinda like nursing home staff?? But they cant be support workers cos support workers are specific government assigned inspector type guys like Richard who only meet with you once a week.and i have to remember to not call him a social worker either cos social workers only work with family and custody related stuff. I dunno?? Basically the medical industry has a lot of names that dont really describe what the actual thing is, lol. Anyway the ham omelette was great and now im gonna try and remember so i can try and make it myself next time! HAM ACCOMPLISHED

Also i played bingo with a few other patients and it was fun but funny that i lost 6 times in a row when there were only 3 of us. I got a consolation prize of a pack of neon highlighter pens so hell yeah!!

I'm getting booked in to try some additional classes starting next week on monday and tuesday morning. The computer programming one was sadly unavailable, but i managed tp snag a place in "confidence building group therapy" and "basic how to use power tools". I wasnt really all that interested in that one but i thought it would be a useful skill even if its less fun. And maybe you get to actyally make something to take home at the end? A lil shelf to help organize this awkward lil room better, maybe?

And an unexpected bonus of being semi-hospitalized is that i get a free bus pass! And cos im here cos of my social anxiety theyre gonna help me get outside more and actually use this thing to the fullest! The first thing we did was the trip to actually get the bus pass itself. It was like "bus, take my money to take me to the place where i can never give you money again!" XD Ive been really stupidly nervous about going on tne bus in my old neighbourhood cos MAN it was really isolated there and everything just amplified my mental illness. An almost two hour bus ride to get to ANY SHOPS AT ALL, with only one bus for the whole town so it was always crowded and full of screaming kids and gossipy everyones. Social anxiety: maximum level proud mode!

So yeah i feel BIG ACCONPLISHED! I was able to take this bus for the first time with a doctor coming with me. Power Grandpa The Strong. His actual name is Paul and he has awesome sleeve tattoos of like anchors and dragons and sports teams and stuff! And he likes thrift stores and wearing silly hats too! Its like he's powerful enough to wrestle away everyone's anxieties! I was able to be a bit reckless too and i went out wearing my fave shirt thats like trans pride coloured plaid. A POWERFUL SHIRT IS REQUIRED FOR THIS QUEST! so we went to the office to register this bus pass and i panicked a bit cos apparantky we brought the wrong form and i wrote my name in the wrong box and then my passport photo looked terrible and aaa! But it all worked out and i was kinda freaking out for nothing. And he took me for a lil tour of the place and showed me this cool shop that does spray paint tye dye t shirts with spiderman on them?? Why does this incredibly specific shop exist and how have i never heard of it before?? There was also a new harry potter shop next to the disney shop, and the old used book store i used to visit as a kid was still there, complete with rickety spiral staircase and ominous basement trap door. I'm still not brave enough to go down there, but apparantly its just the history books section so meh. Then we actually went to a fancy coffee shop and i had this brain freeze mango ice frappucchino thing! Im trying all the new foods!!

And i was TOO HIGH ON DECADENCE and made a RECKLESS CHOICE! i blame power gramp's amazing tattoos, they were totally whispering to me that i shoukd screw the rules and ride off into the sunset on a metaphorical harley davidsen of mental health

So i was like Hey Paul I Am Totally Fine Getting Home On My Own, and it was like i was floating off in the distance somewhere begging my body to not speaketh these words. But it ended up working out okay! The excitement of it all and the sense of accomplishmebt from getting there all okay allowed me to mostly not freak out as i spent the day in town and looked at some shops and stuff. Basic Living Skills: Completed! I chilled out in the library (tho i dont have a card yet, alas!) and visited like five comic and anime stores, and got lost but found a Pizza Hut and that was SO NOSTALGIC FOR MY CHILDHOOD and it didnt taste quite as good as i remembered but the waiter guy was super nice and had a similar shirt and it was All Good! Oh and i gave all my money to a homeless person and that's why i'm broke now. And i bought a plastic slug! I just saw it from across the room and was like OH NO I AM BEING MAGNETISED TOWARDS IT OH NO IT HAS ALREADY BEEN BOUGHT. I need to think of a name for this new friend!!

So yeh i got home okay and i felt really acconplished and that was the furthest trip away that i've taken in ages! Man my mental illness makes me feel pathetic, but it also brings ridiculously big joys from the smallest of silly acconplishys!

Oh and thank you so much to the people who sent me emails! It really helped so much to keep me from giving up during the first few days before i made a bit of progress and felt like i could really do this, yknow? Especially big thanks tp the friend who sent me that mysterious super happy song that they found on a mystery disc in a german market?? Im still not sure whether its in greek or hasidic jewish but it sounds AMAZING and i hope someday i can figure out the band so i can hear their other singles!

Ok this is bunni out! BIG HUGS FOR THE EVERYONE AAAA

The strength of the pack is the wolf and the wolf is the strength of the pack(Part 1)

A/N: HELLO!!! I hope you like my writing I think I'm getting a hang of this whole Tumblr thing lol no one reads the authors note anyway so ill stop rambling so I can enjoy your story but I just like to say I'm talking a different approach and trying to incorporate more talking into my imagines xx

SUMMARY: Y/N runs into a new vamp while stashing clothes around and they get into a fight causing trouble between the wolves and vamps.

WARNINGS; fight scene , I swear a lot just be careful of that.

---quick note that your character is Australian so there might be comment about accents or slang that you might not understand---

"what about this one?" Leah says holding yet another dress to her body "Y/N?" Leah turns to face me "Y/N!" my head snapped to Leah "huh?" I sit up on her bed , Leah sighs "what is it?" "nothing , I'm just....thinking" I shrug my shoulders "about Paul?" Leah smiles and playfully shoves my shoulder , I look down trying to hide my smile "he told me he loved me last night" I say blushing "about time , your each others imprints" she says sarcastically as I smile and my mind trails back to my tall , muscly , tan imprint with eyes that melt my heart every time I think of him "what?" I ask catching Leah staring at me in admiration "nothing it just....im really happy for you" she says capturing her lip between her teeth and smiling , I smile back and shake my head towards the ground clearing my mind; Leah sighs "so , the black or grey" I hum and tilt my head in consideration "the grey , it blends but also makes your black hair and dark eyes pop" mouth popping at the end of my sentence as Leah giggles "alright Katie Grand" I roll my eyes "what are you gonna wear to the bonfire?" we in no way need to dress up for the bonfire , its just the pack hanging out but its kind of like a ritual for my best friend Leah and I , we bond over clothes "um I'm not going" I say hesitantly knowing Leah would protest "what why the hell not?" she says grumpily "I need to stash more rompers around the forest , I couldn't find anything last time I shifted" I giggled , Leah rolled her eyes and giggled with me.

Its been about an hour since I left Leah's and I've packed a bag with about 15 Rompers that I plan to stash around the woods. I was marching around the forest dumping a romper under a log or rock every now-and-then , I was humming my favourite song and happily prancing around the beautiful trees , I couldn't help but take a picture....I pulled my phone out and kneeled down to take a photo of the beautiful assort of trees and bushes....that's when I noticed it , the disgusting smell of one of those leeches; the vampire started zooming around me , almost taunting my vulnerability 'ugh I really like these jeans' I think to myself before shifting just in time to block the bloodsucker , it stopped moving and I stared up at in a tree dog calling me , I take a stance ready to pounce , it continues to call at me 'c 'mere puppy' making kissy noises , taunting me like the evil that it is. I dig some dirt back with my paw and run at the tree , jumping back off it mid-way , the vamp almost shits itself when the branch comes tumbling down and I cant help but wolfishly grin , the vampire stands its ground taking a look at me "disgusting" I growl 'disgusting? shut the fuck up you blood sucking son-of-a-bitch you're one laying of clothing away from blending the motherfucking snow' I think to myself before hearing chuckles in my head 'who pissed Y/N off?' I hear Jared said followed by some more laughter , I shake it off and focus back on the vampire in front of me , it continues to taunt me as if I cant hurt it but oh boy it was wrong , the vampire completely lowered its guard just stupidly assuming I wouldn't attack but that's when I pounced , biting at its ankles so it couldn't run for a few seconds I pushed it over and nipped ferociously at its neck seriously injuring it , it kicked me off and sent me fly into a tree , I whimpered 'piece if shit!' the vamp ran off but I quickly recovered chasing after it , I actually caught up quiet quickly and managed to grab its arm ripping it off earning a scream from the vamp which obviously alerted the surrounding pack members "you bitch" it said changing its directions and starting to run again , I growled and chased after it...again but as I suspected I got bombarded with questions 'Y/N what was that' heard a pack member ask 'Y/N what's going on' I heard from Paul in almost a panic , as I realised the direction the vamp was running I got determined to catch it before it jumped the border 'there's a vamp heading for the border , I think I'm gonna loose it' I mind linked the pack , they all let out a variety of 'copy that's and 'on my way' chasing it through the reservation swerving through trees as I started gaining on the vamp I noticed Seth , Jake and Sam running in the same direction 'C'mon if it get across the border we loose it' Sam yelled almost violently through the mind link , the guys started running along side me and we chased the vamp 'I can sense its panic' I resite smugly and Seth chuckles , the border in sight the guys start to slow down but I speed up 'Y/N GIVE IT UP HE'S GONNA GET ACROSS' I hear Jake yell  'I can get it!' I yelled back , as we reached the small valley posing as the border , the vamp jumped and so did I ignoring the packs pleas for me to stay out of the Cullen's territory , the 3 pack members pulled to a halt and watched me as I caught the leech in my canines mid-air , i pulled at its head almost getting it off but the tumble experienced as we hit the ground made me release it , I went to grab it again but it kicked me using supernatural strength and i flew straight back over the border , it ran and as I got up to jump back over Sam and Jake pushed me back down ,Seth off to the side 'Stop Y/N!' Sam commanded me 'Let him go! He's not worth breaking the treaty over!' He reminded me I scoff "IT!' I growl at Sam 'That's not a person!' i growl violently at him before running off hearing Seth's pleas for me to calm down echoing through my mind......

THE END

A/N: I don't know why but I'm really proud of this :) I hope you liked it <3 ill be making a part 2

20 memories & isms I love about you.

1. He sent me flowers at work. Twice 🥰

2. He left work to help me fix my tire, outside my ex’s house. Never drove on a highway before that day. (no I shouldn’t have dated the guy, but that particular Gemini is the asc degree of our composite chart, he’s the reason we ever met at all, and hubby is the reason we broke up so...lesson learned)

3. He made me eat his mom’s food. Not only that but excitedly. He’d be like “mom is making hot spaghetti and you’re gonna come over and have some”...I’d say no thx 20 times but he wasn’t hearing it. Hot spaghetti day. I felt weird having someone’s mom cook for me. She probably felt weird too tbh, but he was so over the top happy about mom, food, and me, that it didn’t seem to matter and worked out fine 😆

4. He’s so forward, and bold as hell. I’m irritatingly shy and very guarded. Literally the only way he got me was because he’d act before I could really even think about it or think myself out of it. Winners mind.

5. He moved me into his moms house. I was not ok. Not not not. My pride is...well it exists, and burns like fire whenever help is given. I will never ask in all my life and idc, feels better that way. Will gladly die first. My rotors were broken though (I could write a book just about car problems fr), I needed two and it was gonna take awhile. I’d be in the city and he’d be way out there. He’s like nah. You stay. He insisted...and I stayed. Staying was not a me thing, he changed that.

6. He gave me a baby. After all of the years I didn’t have periods, needed pills to have a normal body, all of the times I talked myself out of that sort of life altogether because I clearly didn’t have the guy (ex was not a kid guy) or the working body parts to even do that, must not be for me. First time in our new apartment, boom baby.

7. First time in our slightly bigger and nicer apartment, boom baby 2. We started actually using protection after she was born. Clearly we can.

8. He worked stupidly long hours and put up with so many people that just had no fn clue, it put a strain on everything, most of all him. When he got the offer for Indy, I pushed it. And pushed it. And pushed. May as well have pushed him right out the door, we were going, because those people suck and you’ll never get the chance to be seen while you’re doing that glorified delivery guy’s job for him. We’re going. So, we did, and he got me out of this damn state. At least once.

9. He loved getting lost with me, and it was my favorite thing. Indiana is a beautiful state and I encourage anyone to get lost there, on purpose.

10. I forgot work. He caused some serious change. Everyone else lost their job, including hubby’s favorite person ever, Jonathan. Today he’s the sole survivor of a mom and pop shop, and I’m so unbelievably proud of him. The best part though, is two of the guys from work used to come see me at my new work all the time, with all their bar bitches 😆 They were my favorite people, I was always so excited to see them. Hubby tried to get them back on, and did for one of them. And when the bigger boss needed a new smaller boss bc hubby was leaving the state, hubby fought like hell for Jonathan. Like Highlander, there can only be one *sksksksksksk* They looked at a couple and hubs was like no only Jon knows the ways of the force. They hired him back, Jon has sent him some of the sweetest thank you messages...it changed his life, and hubs still loves him very much. It’s adorable.

11. Screamy baby Shmoo, she was a screamy baby, and so very beautiful. Baby Bam was like a dream, she was the perfect baby in every way. My screamy baby Shmoo was also a perfect baby, with a pitch that could break glass and sometimes she just wanted to practice for hours. Usually I got her to bed with mama snuggles & milk, singing Alison Krauss and rocking. Sometimes though, on the roughest nights, it’d be over an hour before I’d open the door with screamy baby still in a fit, and he’d take her. He’s so warm and calm, he’d win every single time, and I’d be like...zzzzz tysm ily tyty zzzz....

12. His jokes. He’s not funny (yes he is don’t tell him). He thinks he’s funny. He jokes all day every day about everything always. The girls know when dad says something to be skeptical bc he said they gotta go outside and till the land with tiny shovels, and when I roll my eyes they know he’s full of it. What’s funnier, his mom was the kind of person that took things literally always. Every time him and his goofy dad were being sarcastic, I’d have to tell her that because they’d have her believing crazy stuff. My kids share a lot of her isms, that’s one. My son absolutely does not joke, he is quite literal (so far), and I always have to scold hubby or tell lil guy nooooo he’s kidding. I don’t talk about his silliness nearly enough and I should, that’s him ❤️

13. His relationship with his mom. His mom was always on the...I wouldn’t say weaker side, but older, regular pain, on disability. He was her BABY. Her eyes lit up like Christmas when he entered the room. She loves him so so much. His sister... You know the kind, or...just imagine, probably close. He hated it. He got his job pretty young and just kept it. Always had money, always offered to help his mom, always was like IM FINE MOM. She just wanted to do for him, and he’s always been the kind of guy that wants to do for himself. And she was so funny, she’d slip $20 into the diaper bag and tell me “don’t tell him”, putting it on me. So we’d get in the car. And I’d be like there’s $20 in the diaper bag, knowing he’s gonna be pissed if he finds it (she needs it). And he’d get it, run into the house, set it on her table, and run out the door while she ran after him hollering protests 😆 Lots of other stories too. I miss her so much, I can’t even imagine how much he must.

14. His relationship with his sister, and other whirlwind people. He’s like a rock. I’ve spent lots of time with his sister, but not at once. The one day I did, I came home and my brain was so full of her bazillion ideas and impulsive let’s do this and just one thing, opposite thing, different subject, back to the subject, hey let’s do this, omg I have an idea. I love her to death but I had to sit and just...dump my brain. Ask myself for my own input bc I’d lost wtf...what were we doing again?!? Him though? Doesn’t miss a beat. No...no...no...I’ll think about it...no...no..change subject. No issue saying no. Back then I was like thank god, girl would have me on a cruise to Aruba tomorrow with costume jewelry and black face before I could even think to protest. Not him.

15. Making up. The difference between Taurus moon and Sag moon is that Taurus moon stays mad for the rest of their lives (hello...) and Sag moon wakes up in the morning like nothing happened in the history of ever. This was something that irritated me THE MOST. Don’t make me laugh, I’m pissed at you. Over the years, it became the only way we’d talk at all sometimes. Is certainly the only reason we made up, countless times. He never stopped trying to make me smile, even if I wanted nothing to do with it.

16. Acts of Service. Is not mine, which is either words time or touch and I really can’t decide which. All. He speaks a whole other language. He will let me nap, or take the kids somewhere, he will spontaneously clean or go grocery shopping, walk the dog, mow the lawn, hang out at the birthday party. It didn’t start right away, more and more as he learned my isms. He’ll make me coffee as I’m coming down the stairs. I rarely have to ever ask for any practical thing. He knows my orders for anything, recently there’s been twice that he literally read my mind before I spoke. I try to do the same for him as much as I can, because I know that’s his language and I really appreciate him.

17. Bedroom games. The man knows my body like a map, no, an Excel spreadsheet 😭, and how to get every reaction he’s looking for. He is the only man to ever satisfy my insatiable ass. He made me a whole new person in that regard. He says the same about me. Never an issue there. It’s this far down the list cuz it’s not the most important, but it’s pretty important too so there that is.

18. We share the same goals. We judge the same way, like why did they wrap this like that it looks sketchy. We parent the same. We decide the same. We critically think and weigh ideas the same. We walk the same line in the same direction. If anything he’s too negative sometimes, but that’s his own personal thing. Can’t be full of Capricorn and not lean more toward pessimism (not “realism”) sometimes I think. If it’s worth it, I’ll try to coax him to middle ground. Sometimes it’s a battle, but only if I’m really sure. Usually, he’s right, so I just let him lead.

19. When I was pregnant with my son. Initially. It was hell. His car was trashed, mine was broken and thousands of dollars to fix (this particular car in this particular year has this and what a coincidence it was particularly my problem...cars, I’m telling ya). I was two feet out the door with his shit, but his sister’s issues led to my heart. Because her kids. I love them very much, of course they can stay here and not with some strange person hell no. I cannot describe how angry I was at him. HE strapped backpacks onto his back and walked to the nearest store. Hauled so much crap in a huge backpack and just his arms. Over the course of two months. He quit drinking. He went above and beyond to do get offer or provide anything I could even imagine. More romantic then I think I’d ever seen him before. At least...it had been some time anyway. Of course...he was lying to me. The whole time. To what extent idk. Regarding the work shit, idk. Thus the question and the dream and the crazy and the...crazy 😞 Wanted to piss me off boy he got that tenfold. His actions during this time period are 💯 why I stayed. He was clearly trying like hell to prove to me he could try, and it’s more than anyone I’ve ever known has even bothered to “bother” with. I was impressed, and proud. Respect counts for a lot more than love sometimes, and at the time I respected him.

20. He’s an amazing father. There are so many stories I couldn’t possibly write them all. Our son though, he chose daddy, right from the start. Nothing like our daughters, nor any kid I’d known. He’d scream, FOR his dad. He’d only sleep on his shoulder. Hubby held this baby for hours on end. If he didn’t baby would demand it, but it was very natural to them both. Baby wanted a bottle, and hubby to give it to him. It blew my mind. Hubby got his little teammate and together they’ve changed my life and perspective in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined.

I’ve spent so long sporadically venting on here that I don’t think I’ve ever posted the sweet things. So many great memories and daily...everything...are missing, so many years and little moments. That would take forever. Its always been my frustrations, which was the purpose. This is my heart. No matter what happens, all of these things will always be true.