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cynicallystiles · 6 years

Text

Beach Sunrises: I Don’t Even Know Your Name

Author: @cynicallystiles

Warning: Homophobia, slight gay-bashing, use of the words f*g & fairy, slight sexual harassment and physical harassment, and lots of LEGAL drinking. (Always have a DD)

Pairing: Shawn Mendes x Reader

Abbreviations: DD = Designated Driver

Summary: While on tour one day, Shawn sees a woman watching the sunrise by herself. Thinking that he’ll never see her again, he tries to forget as he goes on with the rest of his day. But, serendipity seems to have other ideas…

Notes: Things are finally starting to happen!! PLEASE REBLOG OR COMMENT if you like it! I always welcome messages and asks about my work! Enjoy!

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Part 1 Part 3

Words: 5,374

First P.O.V.

As the wonderfully emotional and vulnerable song comes to an end, I lower my arms and look around at my friends. Xander didn't seem to notice my moment as he and everyone else is still engrossed in watching Shawn perform. I realize that the venue has gone rather quiet for a place packed with hundreds, no thousands, of people. So, I follow their lead and look back up at him on stage.

Weirdly, he seems focused on something in the crowd. Something in the direction of my friends and I. I tap Xander on the shoulder as several people are still chattering excitedly, waiting for him to close the show. "What is he doing? What's he looking at?" I ask curiously as I swivel my head trying to find what he could have noticed. Xander does the same.

"Y/n, I think he's looking at us..." He whispers to me in a concerned tone.

I break out into an amused smile. "Yeah, right. He's probably just spaced out while he catches his breath," I logically surmise. I look back up at him on stage. Actually, Xander has a point. He is looking in this direction, but there's no way to tell at who.

After clearing my throat briefly, I circle my mouth with my hands to let out a very loud "Woo!", and begin clapping. This causes everyone to join in an uproar again. Shawn smiles bashfully at this second wave of cheers. He seems to have come out of his daze as he clears his throat and finally speaks into the mic.

"Oh...wow. Thank you guys so much for all the love," he says as he puts fingers from both hands to his lips and blows a kiss out to everyone. Everyone cheers raucously. Xander and I roll our eyes at how he milks the crowd, but we cheer nonetheless. "This has been a blast, you guys! And as you know, I'll be doing one more show in town in a few days before moving on with the rest of my tour..."

He pauses as he lets the cheers take over the airwaves and he laughs. Once it's gotten relatively quiet, he interjects again. "So, I hope to see you all there! There's a meet and greet the day before, and I'll be signing autographs! Details are posted on my pages," he says enthusiastically. How does he still have so much energy after all that? "Thank you all again, and have a wonderful night!"

Cheers, screams, and claps sound as he walks off stage. My friends and I included. I turn to Xander after Shawn has fully left the stage. "Alright! Which one of you is taking me back to the hotel?" I ask over the noise.

"What do you mean the hotel??" Xander screams back. "We're not done celebrating your birthday!"

I laugh disbelievingly. "Xander! What else could you possibly have up your sleeve??" I try to mask my uneasiness with enthusiasm as I didn't plan on being out all night. After all, I do still have huge assignments due tomorrow night that are only half-finished.

"You'll see!" He says as him and Anna drag me out of the venue and to his car. Once in the car, I begin my questions.

"Isn't everyone else coming?" I ask worried that all of my friends don't know about whatever is happening next.

Xander waves his hand dismissively. "No, no. This excursion is just for the Three Musketeers! Us!" He says, referring to our original group of just the three of us.

"How many times do I have to tell you that no one calls us that??" I say with a laugh. He shrugs. "Well, where are we going?" I ask impatiently.

Anna sighs heavily as she leans to the front from the back seat. "You'll see when we get there. Promise, you're gonna love it!" She squeals excitedly.

"Fine, but I gotta be home by-" I freeze in the middle of my sentence as I reach for my purse. "Oh...my...god..." I say slowly, my heart beginning to pound furiously.

They look at me worriedly. "What's wrong?" Anna asks.

"No. No, no, no..." I say as I turn the dome light on and begin looking under the seats and having no luck. "I think I left my purse in my seat!" I say incredulously as both hands fly to grip either side of my forehead. "I can't believe this..."

Anna and Xander's eyes widen as they look at each other and then to me. "Y/n, relax. Breathe. I'm gonna go back in and find it," Xander says calmingly and reassuringly. "Anna you stay here and lock the car doors after I get out. Who knows what kind of freaks are out there." Just like that, he's exited the car and Anna locks the doors.

I turn the dome light off. Not wanting to draw attention to the two of us sitting in a car by ourselves at night. "It's gonna be fine. Xander will find your purse and then we will be off to the second half of your birthday party!" She says cheerfully. I smile slightly at her, my heart almost returning to normal.

"Hand me my backpack, would you? I'm gonna get some studying done while we wait," I tell her quietly. She does as I ask and soon I'm reading the beginning of a very long chapter in my textbook.

She retrieves her phone from her own purse and scrolls through it mindlessly as we wait. Every few seconds she'll reach the phone up front to show me pictures or videos people took of the concert we were just at. I sigh and pretend to look each time. I love her but she's being distracting as hell.

After the fiftieth time, I close the book loudly. "You know if we're gonna sit here, can I use your phone to check my accounts? Just in case I have any important emails or something," I say as I raise my eyebrows at her.

"Of course!" She says as she quickly hands me her phone. Glad to have gotten the phone away from her, I begin checking my accounts. I start with email, Facebook Messenger, Snapchat, and then I move on to Instagram.

Upon logging into my account, I have a few red notifications. A couple of likes on some photos and one post notification. I click on the post and Shawn Mendes' recent post comes up. I have my IG set to get notified when he posts so I don't miss any music news.

I read his comment on the vid he posted before looking at the video. Yeah, I know I do things backward. Anyway, the comment says, "Such a beautiful city, with such beautiful locals. Lucky to have witnessed this moment." Okay, interesting. What did he witness? As I scroll up to look at the full video, my mouth drops.

Third P.O.V.

Xander hurries back into the venue, not wanting to waste any time that could be spent on y/n's next surprise. A security guard stops him at the entrance. "My friend left her purse in there and I need to get it. Look here's my ticket, she was right next to me. I'll go in and be right back out," he babbles rapidly.

The guard eyes him up and down while Xander holds his arms up to show that he has absolutely nothing on him. Determining that he was no threat, the guard allows him back into the venue. "You have 15 minutes before I send someone in to bring you out," he says intimidatingly.

"Yes, sir," Xander gulps as he sprints through the doors and down the amphitheater-styled rows. Reaching the row they were in, he darts over to the number on the ticket and begins his frantic search. As it wasn't in any of the seats, he immediately gets down on his hands and knees to be able to look under them.

The floor was absolutely disgusting. There were workers floating about, sweeping and mopping up the mess but they apparently hadn't gotten to this section. Not that any of the mess was theirs because they didn't bring anything but water into the show. As Xander reaches further under the chair to feel for the purse, he's startled by a sudden voice. So startled, that the jump causes him to hit his head on the underside of the chair.

"Is there something specific you're looking for?" Xander hears a kind voice ask over the speakers. He freezes where he his, not wanting to turn around for fear that he's probably dreaming.

He decided to risk it and slowly stands back up, rubbing the back of his head. As he looks at the source of the voice, his face is taken over by shock.

"Um...you good, dude?" The man asks again. It's Shawn Mendes. Shawn Mendes is talking to him through the still-connected microphone. Sounding like an angel. Xander was absolutely fanboying over this moment.

He opens his mouth to respond, but all that comes out are half-stutters and strange noises. He nods rapidly to signal that he is fine but barely remembers the first question.

Shawn chuckles as he descends the steps from the stage and makes his way over to Xander. Upon making it to a proximity of about 20 feet, he stops. "What's your name?" He asks curiously. This is the same man that he saw from the stage and felt was familiar.

"Uh...Xander. Yup, my name is Xander. That is my name..." He fumbles as he responds and stands there awestruck.

Meanwhile, Shawn finally remembers why he's familiar. "Oh, Xander!" He's says relieved that he's finally cracked it. Xander looks confused and ecstatic that Shawn is so excited to meet him. "You work as a concierge at the hotel I'm staying at. Right?" This also makes Shawn realize that the girl next to him was the girl from the beach.

Xander's eyebrows furrow, having no idea what he was talking about. Surely, he would've noticed if Shawn Mendes were staying at his hotel. As he continues to stare intensely at him, he finally sees it. "Oh, my god. Oh, my god! You were the guy in the hoodie and the sunglasses!"

Shawn laughs bashfully at his outburst and nods. "Yeah, I am. I'm actually surprised that disguise worked," he confesses.

"Well, it was early in the morning and I hadn't had coffee. So, we'll chalk it up to that," Xander jokes, finally settling down. "Wait..." He says slowly.

Shawn raises his eyebrows as he sticks his hands in his pockets. "Yeah?"

"That means you were the guy asking about my friend," Xander realizes with a dumbfounded tone.

Shawn nods with a small smile. "Yeah. And that means that your great birthday present was my concert?" He asks with a small chuckle.

"Well, yeah. The first half of it was. Unfortunately, we won't be getting to the second half unless I can find her purse..." Xander trails off remembering that he was looking for it.

"Oh, I know where it's at," Shawn says with a shrug. Xander raises his eyebrows expectantly at the famous boy. "Right! It's up on stage. I saw her leave it and I kind of..."

"Stole it?" Xander deducts flatly as he crosses his arms.

A look of panic crosses Shawn's face as he explains. "No! I didn't want anyone else to steal it so I was gonna take it back to the hotel. Since she was there...” he trails off as Xander begins laughing.

"Dude, I'm messing with you. But, I really gotta get that purse and go," he finishes slightly serious.

Shawn jogs back to the stage to retrieve the purse. When he returns, he hands it over to Xander who tucks it under his arm protectively.

Shawn stands there awkwardly staring at Xander just as he did at the hotel. "So...where are you guys-" He begins only to be cut off by Xander.

"I'll tell you if you can answer one of my questions," he propositions. Shawn nods eagerly and Xander stares him down intimidatingly. "Why are you interested in my friend?"

Not totally surprised by the question, Shawn thinks about an answer. Why was he interested in this random girl he's never talked to? A girl he's never even seen up close?? So many answers popped into his head, but only one seemed like an honest one. "I have no idea..." He confesses.

Xander squints at him. He knows that Shawn is not shy about having one-night stands. That he always flirts with all of his fans. It's his brand. So, he doesn't care if he's famous. He will not allow this guy to mess with his best friend. Before he could open his mouth to say all this, Shawn continues speaking.

"I have absolutely no idea what her name is. What she looks like up close. What her voice sounds like. I know absolutely nothing about her..." Shawn smiles to himself as he shakes his head. "Except that she can stand on a secluded beach before the sun even rises and be content. Except that she feels music with the deepest parts of her. Except that she will feel what she wants to feel with no regard to how anyone else looks at her. And all of that makes me need to know everything else.”

When Shawn comes back from his moment, Xander his staring at him weirdly. "Soo..." Xander starts off cautiously. "We're gonna be at Midnight Metro," he says with a smile.

"What's that?" Shawn asks confused.

Xander rolls his eyes. "It's a small karaoke club. You know 'Metro' like 'metronome'? Anyway, it's not a big, popular place. But...we go there a lot to blow off steam," he explains.

"That sounds cool," Shawn says sincerely. "Would you...would you guys mind if I came?"

Xander's jaw drops. "Dude, That would make her whole surprise better! Yes, you can come! Can you figure out how to get there?" He asks excitedly.

"Yeah, I'll figure it out. I gotta work some stuff out, but I'll be there in a bit," Shawn says happily.

Xander starts walking backward as he says one last thing. "Don't take too long! She's not gonna be there past 2!"

Shawn gives a thumbs up as he turns away to get ready. He can't believe that he's actually getting a chance to meet this girl.

First P.O.V.

I log out of my account and hand the phone back to Anna. Pretending that I didn't just see what I saw. I mean...did I really see that? Did I really see a video of me posted on Shawn Mendes' Instagram account? I thought I was alone this morning. Which means...oh my god, Xander was right! That guy from the lobby was staring at me. And that guy was Shawn Mendes. Shawn Mendes is staying at our hotel.

I suppress all my flurrying thoughts, not wanting to get ahead of myself. Taking deep breaths, I begin to chill out. So, what if he took a video of me and posted it? It's not like he really knows who I am. He just saw something he thought was cool and posted it. Yeah, it happens all the time. Don't get carried away. But, he was looking in our direction at the concert. Does that mean he saw me? What is happening?

I jump as a banging on the window draws me out of my thoughts. Xander is back. I unlock the door and he hops in, handing me my purse. "You're a lifesaver!" I say clutching it to my chest.

"Yeah, you'd die without me," he teases as he restarts the car and pulls out of the parking lot. "So, what did you ladies get up to while I was gone?"

I stay silent, not wanting to make a big deal out of my discovery. Anna, however, chats away. "Oh, just y/n commandeering my phone because she thought I was distracting. You're such a stick in the mud! Why are you trying to study on your birthday night out?!"

"Maybe because I didn't expect to be out tonight and have school. Life doesn't just stop because you make surprise plans, Anna," I giggle at her theatrics.

She leans forward and kisses me on the cheek hastily. "Well, sorry that we love you and wanted you to have a great present. Oh, wait...I'm not," she giggles as she buckles her seatbelt.

"Love you, too," I say into the rearview mirror. I settle into my seat and roll down the window as we blast the radio on our way to the mystery destination. All the while, Xander is being uncharacteristically quiet as he drives. A huge smirk living on his face.

We pull up to the destination, and I immediately recognize it. Midnight Metro. Our little home away from home and local karaoke club. After showing our id's at the door, we find a table with elevated chairs to sit at. Someone finishes their song on stage as I take off my purse and hang it on my chair. I look around and it's the usual friendly people with a few newcomers.

A server walks by and Xander flags him down. "Yeah, we'll start off with three margaritas!" He says as he smiles charmingly. When the server walks away, I address him.

"Xander, what are you doing? I can't get drunk, I have to work tomorrow and do homework!" I say disbelievingly.

He puts on a face of mock surprise. "You don't want to get blackout drunk on your second night of being 21??? I'm shook," he teases me.

"I'm not saying I won't drink, I'm just saying I don't wanna have a hangover!" I can't help but laugh at his antics.

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "Okay! Okay! But, I told you I had our shifts covered so you don't have work tomorrow. You can spend the whole day studying to your heart's content," he explains.

"And what about your car? If we all drink, then none of us can drive home," I observe.

Anna speaks up. "Oh! I'm DD tonight! Don't worry about that," she says chipperly.

"Then, why did he order 3 margaritas?” I say as I laugh.

Xander speaks again. "Oh, the third one is for mwah. I'm not trying to impress anybody," he jokes. He smiles wryly and I shake my head, unable to suppress the smile forming.

"I guess it's all planned out then," I say calmly. They nod in agreement. The server comes back with the drinks and slips a napkin to Xander. "That's his number isn't it?"

He nods as he fans himself with the napkin and takes a sip of his drink. "Maybe I will try to impress someone tonight," he chuckles.

"So whose singing first?" I ask.

Anna shoots her hand up. "Me! Me and you are going first, y/n!" She giggles excitedly as she runs off to put our names down on the list.

"Yeah, I'm gonna need more drinks," I laugh as I flag down the server again. "Four shots of whiskey, please," I with a dainty tone.

Xander looks at me with eyes wide. "Please tell me half of those are for me! Jeez, barely 21 and already an alcoholic," he jabs at me.

"Hey! I'm just getting in the party mood," the server comes back and sets the shots down. He leaves with a wink at Xander and I roll my eyes.

Anna comes bounding over. "Okay so guess what, I just reserved the rest of the slots on the karaoke machine for us!!! No one else wanted them, I checked!!" She claps excitedly as she delivers her news. "C'mon, y/n. Let's go!"

"Bottoms up," I say as I raise my glass to Xander's and down the shot before Anna drags me toward the stage. "So, we are starting with the greatest duet we've ever done right??"

She looks at me with a knowing stare, as if I didn't even have to ask. We head up on stage and I'm not even buzzed yet. But, I'm about to kill this. We both take a microphone. I hold mine in my hand and she lets hers rest in the stand.

"Hit it!" She says as I point at the DJ.

The notes begin and Anna starts singing Rihanna's part in "Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem. All the regulars cheer, knowing what's about to go down. I dance a little to the beat and then it's my turn. Eminem's part comes on and I rap that entire verse perfectly. Xander is losing his shit, just like he does every time I rap. And I can't help but laugh in between my words, still trying to complete them. The whole song goes like that and eventually, it ends. We get a standing ovation as usual but it's Xander's turn.

I see him take his second shot before he leaves the table. As we pass each other we high-five, sort of like wrestlers switching partners. Once I'm at the table, I see that all of his first margarita is gone. I sip on mine as we watch him begin his first song of the night. Of course, he starts off with "Despacito."

Anna and I stand next to the table so we can dance but still have our drinks. She leaves to go to the bar for a soda. I hold my shot up to Xander as he sings in Spanish. He sings the word slowly and I roll my body to it. As soon as the music picks back up, I down the shot and begin dancing some weird made up dance to it.

I laugh as I dance around. That's the thing about this club, no one judges you. We're all here to have a good time. None of us are particularly great singers, but none of us are straight up awful either. When we came here before, I used to have a red band saying that I was underaged because 18 and older are still allowed in. But, I have a green band and I wave that sucker at Xander excitedly as he comes back to the table.

"Someone's feeling that second shot," he chuckles as he sips his second margarita.

I set my empty one down. "Nah. That stuff ain't even strong! Been drinking it since 17 so it doesn't really do anything bad anymore!" I dance as Anna goes up and sings "Can't Stop The Feeling!" I let out a cheerful "woo" as encouragement.

Xander seems distracted as he doesn't cheer her on. I notice that he keeps looking at the entrance. "Expecting someone??" I question him and he looks back at me surprised.

"What? No! Oh, look! Anna's almost done! Better get another drink before your turn!" He exclaims weirdly.

I turn and head to the bar. I lean on it, my butt sticking out slightly. Just after I order a tray of Melon Balls, a man I've never met speaks into my ear at a surprisingly close distance. "Hey, sweetheart. Why don't you let a real man buy you some drinks? I'm much better company than that fairy you've got over there."

"No thanks," is all I say as I stand up straighter. Not wanting to be provocative.

He brushes my hair over my ear and leans in again, his breath dripping with an acrid smell. "Oh, don't be like that. Everyone knows that a pretty girl don't get all dressed up and go to a bar just to dance with a fag," he says disgustingly as his hand drifts lower down my back.

The bartender comes back with the tray, so I pay quickly and grab it. As I turn to leave he grabs my elbow. I pull it out of his grasp, trying not to spill the drinks. I'm sick of this guy. "Oh, sweetheart. Everyone knows that pretty girls don't go home with men like you," I say my voice dripping with disdain. Before I leave I turn around one more time, "And that fairy, as you called him, is ten times the man you will ever be."

I hear him curse as I continue to walk back to the table, tray shaking in my hands.

Third P.O.V.

Shawn spent the better part of a half hour in his dressing room trying to decide what he should wear to this club. He wanted to look good when he finally meets this girl, but he also didn't want to draw too much attention to himself since he wasn't going to take his bodyguards in with him.

He decides on a pair of nice jeans and signature boots, finishing off the look with a perfectly fitted dark blue button-up with rolled up sleeves. Satisfied with his look, he grabs a leather jacket in case it gets cold and hops in the rental he had gotten for this city. Before taking off, he looks up the club and finds the address. As soon as he enters it in his GPS, he leaves the venue.

Before long, he's pulling up into the semi-full parking lot of the karaoke club. The name of it above the door in rainbow lighting. Shawn takes a deep breath as he looks in the mirror one last time. He grabs his jacket and makes his way into the club. At the door, the guard checks his id and gives him a red band.

The further he travels down the dimly lit hallway, the clearer the music gets. Right now it sounds like someone is in the middle of singing a JT song. Shawn nods his head appreciatively as he finally reaches the doorway to the club.

He hovers at the entrance, taking in the crowd and the atmosphere. His eyes roam to the stage where a pretty blonde is singing the JT song he heard from the hallway. Then, he begins to scan the crowd as he looks for Xander as his head bops to the beat. He would look for the girl, but he still doesn't know exactly what she looks like.

Finally, he sees Xander at an elevated table singing along to the song as he watches the girl onstage. With a relieved smile, Shawn begins to make his way to the table. Before he can get very far, he happens to glance over to the bar. This is where he sees a girl leaned over the bar making her order.

His eyes casually roam to her ass, which is sticking out slightly as she waits. Unfortunately, his eyes are not the only ones looking. Shawn watches horrified, as a middle-aged man who is clearly drunk begins to make a move on her. His grubby hands play with her hair and almost grab her backside. Before he does, she stands up straight and uncomfortably shrugs him off.

It's when she tries to leave with her drinks and the man grabs her arm that Shawn begins to make his way to the bar to help. Although, his help was not needed. He watches as she confidently tells off this scum. Damn. He thought. That guy's ego probably just took a terrible hit based on the look on his face right now.

Refocusing on his mission to get to Xander and meet this mystery girl, he turns back towards their table. To his surprise, and his excitement, the feisty woman from the bar sets down her tray of drinks next to Xander. Upon her return, Xander exclaims something and hugs her. They exchange a conversation that looks much like Xander trying to convince her to do something she's obviously skeptical of.

After another brief exchange, they each eat the ball of fruit from a toothpick and down the contents of the shot glass. With a giggle and a shake of her head, she walks towards the stage just as the other girl finishes. They high-five as they pass each other.

Shawn tears his gaze away from the woman and looks back at the table to find Xander looking in his direction. He jumps up and down enthusiastically as he waves Shawn over to the table. With a nervous laugh, he heads over to the table.

He's greeted with a clap on the shoulder from Xander and a very shocked expression from the girl. "Uh...hi. I'm Shawn. It's nice to meet you," he introduces himself as he offers his hand to the girl. Awestruck, she slowly takes it and gives a weak shake.

"I...I'm...Anna. And you're Shawn Mendes," she blurts out nervously.

He lets out a laugh as he rubs the side of his neck up to his hair. "Yeah. That's me."

She immediately turns to Xander who is as calm as ever. "How do you know Shawn Mendes. Why is Shawn Mendes at our club? Is this actually happening? Are you actually here right now?" She looks back and forth between the two.

It's Xander who lets out a laugh now. "Can you believe that she's the sober one?"

Shawn just smiles, not wanting to make Anna feel bad about her behavior. "I met Xander when he came back looking for a purse. He kindly invited me to come hang out with you guys," he explains calmly to her.

Her face lights up immediately. "Oh, my gosh! I can't believe you somehow topped yourself with surprises! I mean, only you could get Shawn Mendes to hang out with us after his concert," she gushes.

"Actually..." Xander begins with a sly grin. "I think it had less to do with me and more to do with her..." He finishes the statement as he slowly turns and points subtly at y/n.

She pulled a bar stool up onstage and is adjusting the mic stand to a comfortable height. As she leans over to mess with the lever, her hair creates a thin curtain between her face and the table.

Shawn immediately turns his attention towards where Xander points and gazes at the woman onstage. She's so lost in her own world that she doesn't know he's here yet. She finally gets the mic where she wants it, she sits up straight and flips her hair over her shoulder.

Finally, Shawn can see her face. His breath catches in his throat as he takes in all of her features. The dimples at the corners of her mouth when she gives a small smile to the crowd. The crinkle of her nose as she laughs at something the DJ says.

He especially admires the way her eyes light up with a spark of something he can't quite pinpoint. Is it excitement? Nerves? Is it that she's just having a good time? Or is it maybe that she knows just how amazing she is? That spark could be anything. Shawn knows instantly that he'd do anything to know what that one little spark inside of her comes from.

Shawn continues his admiring gaze as she finally tells the DJ she's ready for her song. His gaze does not go unnoticed. Anna sits quietly and glances at Shawn. She knows that look on his face. He is here for y/n. And that makes her uneasy.

Just when Shawn thinks that this girl couldn't possibly get any more wonderful, he hears the first chords of the song. It strikes him with a sense of familiarity. But, it's not until she starts singing that he realizes why. She's singing one of his songs. More specifically, she's singing "I Don't Even Know Your Name." Shawn looks over at Xander.

He has a smug grin on his face, and Shawn now knows that the conversation he saw earlier was him convincing her to do this song. "I thought it would be hilariously accurate if she sang this song," he confesses.

Shawn laughs as he looks back to her. "You're right about that. It's right on the nose. But, not for long..." he promises as he bobs his head to her singing.

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wafflesetc · 4 years

Note

In your Recs this week, the two fics you posted seen to be incomplete, or are they marked wrong in AO3?

IDEKYN is complete, I am just hoping we get an epilogue of sorts, so that is just @kkruml not knowing how to work the internet. ;) My Christmas fic is incomplete- I am planning on finishing it in the next two weeks! Hope that answers your question.

#Anonymous

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kkruml · 6 years

Text

kkruml Masterlist

Just in case you’re looking for something to pass the time during this droughtlander...

I Don’t Even Know Your Name

(credit to @sassenachwaffles for this gorgeous whisky label)

AO3

SIRUN ‘AJNABIUN// THE FOREIGNER’S SECRET

(credit to @cantrixgrisea for this gorgeous artwork)

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

AO3

STAY

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

AO3

GAOL//LOVE

Oneshot/Chapter 1

#outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic #idekyn fic #stay fic #gaol fic #SATFS fic #droughtlander #kkruml

131 notes · View notes

kkruml · 6 years

Text

I don’t even know your name Chapter 23

Ok gang. For anyone still hanging around for this thing- Here’s the last one.

I’m pretty sure I’ve been talked into an epilogue, but for all intents and purposes, this is it.

I got all sappy and emotional yesterday so this is a simple THANK YOU to everyone who liked, commented, and reblogged this and who has just been a positive member of this fandom. You are all lovely.

Shout out to the lady who saw the VERY FIRST 100 words of anything even closely resembling fan fic (before I deleted it). @ecampbellsoup you are a stunning example of what humanity looks like at its best and I love ye for it and so much more.

@missclairebelle You just get me and I’m grateful for you. THANK YOU for everything you gave to this story.

@smoakingwaffles - What can I say that hasn’t been said? 23 chapters. WE DID IT. This entire story is dedicated to you.

AO3

Previously

“Jamie, I-” I stuttered, closing my eyes, unsure of how to continue. I wanted to respect tradition; I wanted to give Jamie the gift of his parents’ words on our wedding day. But where was I in all of this?

The crease in his brow faded and the grip on my arm relaxed as he took in my face. His gaze was intense and I fought to hold it, feeling suddenly dwarfed by his imposing shoulders- shoulders that just the night before had hovered over me as he found surrender.

I cleared my throat as I struggled to clear my thoughts and continue. “I know how important these traditions are, and I want to give you all of it. I just-”

Two deep breaths.

“I just don’t know where Claire Beauchamp is in any of this,” my words came fast and as I finished I felt breathless, empty. The words I had swallowed for the last several months were now lingering between us.

He said nothing but a ghost of a smile played at his lips as he nodded slowly. I caught a flicker of something I couldn’t name in his eyes as he held my stare. He took my hand and kissed my knuckles softly.

One week.

Then I would no longer be Claire Beauchamp.

I would be Claire Fraser.

CLAIRE

Two days to go.

“Just one last turn at the seamstress- the tartan isna quite right.” Jenny’s voice was in full force but she took an extra breath to soften it a little.

This was our last pre-wedding visit and the café had cleared out as we sipped the last of our tea. Over the last several weeks, we had settled into a comfortable friendship, an easiness that quickly developed into kinship.

The Fraser genetics were strong; certain gestures would catch my eye and I saw glimpses of Jamie- a quirk of an eyebrow or a deep exhale in frustration. She was strong and fierce when it came to her family-which now included me, I had to constantly remind myself- and I loved her for it.

“Erm... Okay yes of course.” My voice was soft and lacked conviction. The dress had looked fine to me- though I had little knowledge of just how the plaid was supposed to be arranged, folded, and tucked into my gown, so I just nodded and tried for a smile.

“We’re almost done Claire. I ken this is a lot for ye, seein’ as ye dinna grow up wi’ so many traditions as Jamie.” Her voice was kind and she gently squeezed my left hand, her finger grazed the ring- pausing on the engraved thistle. She smiled softly as she released my hand, adding with a chuckle, “Ye may be a Sassenach, but we’ll make a Scot of you yet.”

I laughed with her as my right hand traced the side of my cup. The reality of her words hit my chest and I felt my heartbeat quicken, both in excitement and in anticipation.

“Are ye okay, Sassenach?”

Two deep breaths.

“Yes.”

I was not convincing- with a single glance, Jamie read my glass face. One hand cupped my head while large fingers massaged my scalp. He whispered words I didn’t quite understand but closed my eyes and let his voice and touch seep into my bones. After a few moments I felt calm and I leaned back, tilting my head up and he brought his mouth down to mine.

His lips were soft and warm, but he pulled away before I was ready. The noise that escaped me curled his lips at the corners and his fingers tightened around my curls momentarily before releasing me.

“I do love yer squeaky noises,” he laughed lightly as he slid into the chair beside me.

An earnest laugh emanated from my chest as I shook my head, “I do not make squeaky noises.”

“As ye say, mo chridhe,” his eyes softened as he said the word and I felt a flutter in my chest. I watched him grab the whisky bottle as he refilled my glass. I stretched my legs across his lap, my calf fitting in the space between his thighs, my feet dangling just slightly over. I blinked slowly, eyes unfocused on the table in front of me.

“What’s on yer mind?” He reached for my glass, taking a gulp of the amber liquid before setting it back down in front of me. “I can hear somethin’ rattlin’ round fierce up there.”

“It’s just…” I was stalling. “Can I ask you something?”

“Always.” His voice was steady. “Ye ken that- right, Sassenach?”

I looked up from the table to see a calm deep blue staring back at me. I nodded and tried for a smile.

“The wedding-”

His brow flickered and his eyes widened but he regained control almost immediately, forcing my words to come quickly.

“Oh god NO- No Jamie, I’m not having second thoughts.” I could hear the panic in my voice as I leaned forward, my fingers searching for his. Finding one large hand resting on my thigh, I squeezed it with both hands.

“Ye sure?” his voice was thick with concern but he tried to hide it with a small smile as his other hand reached for and gently held the arch of my foot-lightly tickling it. “Are ye havin’ cold feet?”

I squirmed and tried to pull my foot but he grabbed my ankle, a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

I recognized the gesture- he had done it before, many times. After long shifts or tough patient cases, he would find me thoroughly wrapped up in my own thoughts, and his hand would find one of a thousand ticklish spots on my body and gently caress it. Without fail, it would bring me back to the present and break down the cascade of thoughts I was drowning in.

“Aye, still no’ a squeak, ye say?” He tried for a wink as he loosened his grip and set his hand on a safe spot and my muscles relaxed.

A slight silence hung between the two of us and I felt the weight of my words returned.

“Your world is just so much… bigger than mine.” I brought my hands to my forehead, rubbing my temples as I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath before I opened them again and looked at him. “It’s just… I feel… adrift. I’m afraid “we” are going to get lost in all of this and… I won’t get to tell you what’s in my heart.”

He brought his body to me, hugged me and let his lips hover against my forehead as his breath came in waves, steady on my skin.

JAMIE

He could see her body slightly relax but still her frame looked contorted, almost foreign.

Adrift.

The word cut deep to his core and he flinched at the thought of it. He blinked hard, eyes focused on a curl of her hair as he rested his chin against her forehead.

Tradition was important to him- as old as the Highlands themselves. He wanted everything he was, including those traditions, to be offered to her. But she was his Claire. He was hers- irrevocably. He would lay himself bare, drop to his knees, and give up everything he was- for her.

The pageantry of the ceremony and reception had filled the space between them for the last several weeks, and he felt a sudden need to anchor himself to her- and her to him.

Flashes of an idea skated across his vision and he smiled into her curls. But that could come later. For tonight, he let his fingers linger in her hair and he slowly shifted closer to her, eager.

CLAIRE

One day to go.

Our bed was empty. Jamie had risen early, before I woke. I stretched my limbs, feeling a peculiar laziness coupled with a sensation of heady fulfillment from the night before. He had been both gentle and intoxicating last night, and the effects were still lingering in my bones as I floated somewhere between sleep and waking.

I had felt the drip of water from his curls as he mumbled a few sweet words into my cheek before leaving. Last minute preparations at the distillery.

The day surged ahead as texts came with lightning speed. Final checks on the dress, flowers, cake. The screen of my phone lit with a pulsing frequency; after a flurry of texts and a few missed calls, I had had enough. I was just about to shut my phone off when the screen lit up and it rang.

Joe.

Hearing from him was like a breath of fresh air.

I swiped the screen to answer and felt a sigh escape my lips.

“Hey hey, Lady Jane.”

“Joe!” I felt a lightness to my tone I hadn’t recognized in weeks and let my lips form a full smile as I reveled in the feeling. “It’s so good to hear your voice!”

“Surprised you recognized me, what with all the wedding hoopla.”

I knew he was joking but I felt my heart constrict and my breath caught in my chest. It felt like an eternity since I had seen him or Gail, or discussed anything other than patient cases or the infinite details of the wedding.

“Don’t cry on me now LJ or there’ll be no more tears for the big day,” his voice was laced with sincerity but I knew he was trying to lighten the mood. “So, you ready to go?”

“What you do you mean?”

“I’m downstairs; get your skinny white ass down here. I’m taking you to lunch.”

“Joe I couldn’t possibly- there’s so much to do.”

“Nonsense. I’ve got you covered,” I caught the smile on the other end of the phone, and I returned it.

JAMIE

Murtagh’s eyebrows danced across his forehead as he surveyed Jamie, fingers tracing the lines of the object in his hand. “Yer parents would be proud.”

“Aye?” he asked, a flicker of nerves crept into his voice as he cleared his throat. His hands moved with purpose but he noted a slight tremble to them. He clenched his hands into fists and released them, watching his fingers steady as he stretched them back out.

“I wasna sure there was a right woman for ye, but-” Jamie caught his uncle’s smile out of the corner of his eye and he paused, turning to face him. Murtagh nodded slowly, looking up to meet Jamie’s stare. “Claire has the sweetest smile. Havena seen one sae pure since yer mother.”

Jamie smiled and sighed. The only thing missing- his mam and da. He knew they would give their blessing, that they would have fallen for Claire just as he had. But in their absence, he was grateful to his kinsman for his approval.

Murtagh turned the pin over in his hands, softly repeating the inscription as he rubbed the metal to a polished shine. He kissed it gently before holding it out to Jamie.

He nodded, taking it carefully. After a moment, he raised his arms slightly as he presented himself for approval. “…Well?”

Murtagh’s voice was gruff but he heard the undercurrent of pride in his voice, “Ye’ll do.”

CLAIRE

The afternoon felt almost normal. Joe had confiscated my phone, turning it off and pocketing it. My initial panic was soon replaced with gratitude. I needed a few precious hours of normalcy before tomorrow. If anyone really needed me the list of whom to call would be short, and they’d find Joe.

We took up residence at our spot at Broch Mordha. The bottles still lined the brick wall, dotted with Edison bulbs. I settled into my barstool and shook my head, thinking back to the night we celebrated the end of medical school- the first time I saw Jamie. Since then we had spent countless nights here, glasses set atop the bar as we discussed future plans and recounted old memories. We ordered our usual drinks, sank into our seats, and talked about everything but the wedding and time seemed to stand still.

With a heavy sigh as our laughter died down, I looked down at my glass- disappointed to see it empty. The lingering taste of Glen Grant played at my tongue and the stress of the last few weeks slowly melted away and I felt content.

Joe eyed the clock behind the bar and smiled. He shifted towards me, his hand pulling out a small piece of paper from his breast pocket. A crisp, white, precisely folded note was suspended between his thumb and index finger, held out for me. I took it gently, my eyebrows pressed together as I eyed Joe’s face. He kept his expression passive and shifted back towards his glass.

I slowly unfolded the paper, noting the precision of the fold.

“Sassenach-

Join me for a hike.

Direach Sinn.

JAMMF”

I looked at him with eyes wide, mouth open, speechless.

“Joe…” I felt tears threaten.

“The man is pretty stubborn, I’ll give him that.” He said with a laugh and shake of his head.

“Yes, I know,” I matched his smile, my fingers tracing each letter on the paper.

“I wasn’t so sure about him at first, LJ. Seemed too good to be true, thought he was like all the rest.” He tilted his head, and I met his gaze, “But he’s your match, the other half of you- neither of you whole without the other.”

I felt my chin tremble as I nodded, smiling with a laugh, “You’re bloody right- as always, Joe.”

“Well you should get going, hm?”

I took one more moment before reaching for him, embracing him in a rib-crushing hug and giving a quick peck on the cheek. “Thank you, Joe.”

“Anything for you, Lady Jane.” His arms encompassed me for a final moment before releasing me. With hands firmly set on my shoulders, he gave a wink before sending me on my way.

The hike was peaceful, but I felt an anticipation building with each step. I hadn’t seen Jamie all day and relished the thought of a few quiet moments in what had become our spot before the big day. I didn’t need much, just his steady calm next to me.

As I crested the hill, I was struck by the view. Vibrant purple and red of sunset streaked the sky, but they paled in comparison to the man standing in front of me.

A Highlander in full regalia was a sight to behold. His auburn curls burned like a match against the glow of the horizon. His navy blue jacket popped against the white of his button down shirt; his tie was tucked snugly, perfectly, into his vest and the distinctive Fraser plaid of his kilt hung precisely from his trim waist. A length of plaid draped over his left shoulder- secured with a pin.

I stopped short, taking in the breathtaking beauty that was Jamie.

His smile lit his face and I saw a flash of pride in his eyes as my gaze met his.

“Mo Nighean Donn,” he held out a hand to me and I took a few steps forward, the world around me froze and then melted away and all I could see was Jamie.

His hand closed around mine, squeezing gently and I felt a rush of warmth encompass me.

His voice was low and his accent thick but his eyes shone with a light I remembered from the first time we kissed- expectation mixed with contentment. “I ken ye dinna want or need a big weddin.’ It’s just you and me here. No one else.”

“Direach Sinn,” I said, trying for the lilt but failing.

He smiled back at me, a look of pride on his face. “Aye, Sassenach. Just us.”

He took both my hands in his and took a deep breath before he started.

“Claire,” his voice caressed my name and my heartbeat quickened. “I dinna have enough words to tell ye how much I love ye. But I vow to spend every day for the rest of my life tryin’ to show ye. I give ye my body to serve and protect ye. I give ye my name, my clan, and my family to ye. I give ye the very beat of my heart.”

He paused, raising my left hand to his lips, kissing the ring softly. My vision blurred with tears as I took in his face and tried to memorize every sound of his words as he spoke them.

“Ye are blood of my blood, and bone of my bone.” His voice continued, stronger and clearer than I had ever heard it. “I give ye my spirit- and all that I am, till our lives shall be done.”

Wisps of curls tickled my cheek but I could not move or look away from his face. His eyes pierced through me, a clear, deep blue stare filled with a weight I had never seen nor felt before. I took his other hand and kissed it, squeezing both hands gently as I tried to steady myself.

Two deep breaths.

I conjured the words I had played over in my head; words he had written on my heart, and that had danced on my tongue since we met.

“Jamie,” his name came out as a whisper. “Whatever lies ahead for us, I want you by my side- to turn to for comfort, for security, and most of all, I want to celebrate and live this life with you. I vow to keep the home we have found in each other, forever.”

His hands released from my grip, one finding my waist and pulling me closer to him, the other rested against the line of my cheek. His breath shook slightly as his lips met mine. He was warm and steady and I felt the fulfillment of every ache, need, wish, hope, and promise between us. His arms held me tight as the world around us fell away and all that existed was him and me.

When our lips parted, I felt his smile and I opened my eyes to see his hooded, a heady mix of awe and wonder staring back at me. He nodded slowly, placing a final kiss on my forehead before relaxing his hold on me, creating a breath of space between us.

“It’s only proper to toast after a vow, aye?” He tried for a wink as his hand traveled to his sporran, producing the familiar leather flask.

A giggle escaped my lips as I shook my head. “You bloody Scot. You’d do just about anything for a bit of whisky, aye?”

“Ye ken ye are marryin’ a lad who makes whisky for a livin’. Of course I am goin’ to take my CEBF where ever I go.”

I eyed him for a final moment, cocking my head to one side as I took a sip from the flask. I hummed in appreciation as the current of honey and almond filled my senses. I tipped the flask to Jamie and he took it, taking a long pull without breaking eye contact. I felt flush as a smile formed on his lips and I matched it.

My eyes lingered to the pin tucked into his tartan plaid just above his heart. “What’s this?”

“My clan-” he paused, a smile spreading across his face as he continued, “Our clan’s motto.”

“Je Suis Prest?” I asked.

“Aye,” his voice was barely audible. “I am ready.”

I could feel his eyes linger on me as he waited. I smiled as I lifted my eyes to meet his. “Yes, I am.”

His hands cupped my cheek as he brought my face to his. I felt the electricity pulse between us as my arms circled around his neck, holding him close.

We had bared our hearts to each other; our souls were fused with the promises spoken. To me, to us, this was our ceremony.

Jamie was my husband, and I was now his wife.

The rest of it, it was a celebration. I had what I wanted, what I needed. I was finally Claire Fraser.

Tomorrow would be the first day of our marriage, and that I intended to celebrate.

But tonight, in this moment, I filled every sense with the promise of Jamie and me. Together, we watched as the sun crested over the ridge, the colors faded around us as a soft glow encapsulated us. We held each other, a promise of a thousand tomorrows wrapped around us.

#IDEKYN fic #i don't even know your name fic #outlander #outlander fan fic #fan fic #this is the last one guys #except maybe an epilogue #ok thats happening #but still #curtain call #thank you EVERYONE for reading #is it really over #denial #beta notes for the WIN #tat is the queen of all things #and i owe my kidney #and maybe first born #to her greatness

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kkruml · 5 years

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ASK BOX OR IT DIDNT HAPPEN: can you please bless us with an IDEKYN baby it’s cold outside ficlet?

@sassenachwaffles you actually sent this.

An I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME... ficlet?

youtube

Well… better get festive while I do some RESEARCH.

#IDEKYN fic #ficlet #outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic #at least its not hte 30K epilogue #sassenachwaffles

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kkruml · 6 years

Text

IDEKYN playlist

OK I’m writing the final chapter and the music has been instrumental (see what I did there?) in creating the right head space for it. Here’s what’s played the most while writing, you might be able to guess what song was overwhelmingly driving the emotions in each chapter...

Hozier- Cherry Wine

Ed Sheeran- I see Fire

Lumineers- Say Goodbye

Nahko- Dragonfly

James Bay- Hold Back the River

Lana Del Ray- Young and Beautiful

George Ezra- Hold my Girl

Hozier- Work Song

Ed Sheeran- Give me Love

Mumford and Sons- Believe

#LL scavenger hunt #prompt 3 #IDEKYN fic #outlander

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kkruml · 6 years

Text

Question for the fan fic writers

Do you ever feel like you need to go back and read your own story to remember what happened?

I mean.. it’s YOUR STORY you thought of it but do you ever like...

COMPLETELY FORGET WHAT HAPPENED.

#asking for a friend #IDEKYN fic #why is it 22 chapters #outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic

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kkruml · 6 years

Note

How’s that 30k word epilogue for IDEKYN coming along? 😄

Ye caught me nonnie… suffering from writer’s block on this for now… at least they are cozy on that mountain top with a full flask, right?

I’ve only got 29,851 words to go.

#ask #idekyn fic #i don't even know your name fic #outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic #YEAH IT IS CHUCK

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kkruml · 6 years

Note

18 and 27

Hello nonnie!

18) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I have a first chapter/one shot called GAOL//LOVE that was based on a prompt for Pride Month. I had intended to write more but STAY kind of took over. It features characters I haven’t really written before so I want to make that if/when I come back to it, I get it right.

27) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

Funny story. For IDEKYN I had a moment I wanted to see play out.. then wrote it again from another perspective. Once I realized I needed/wanted to keep writing, I plotted out a general direction for the characters knowing how I wanted it to end (and little droplets of information about Jamie)... but the “how to get there” was kind of vague so I could play with what felt right in the moment.

For The Foreigner’s Secret (AKA the Mummy Fic), I needed a more detailed outline since there were clues I needed to drop to make the reveal at the end (hopefully) make sense. I had a longer story planned but it became a bit overwhelming and I felt like I was losing any semblance of creativity with it- so I shortened it to 5 chapters... and left it open (somewhat) to be able to go back to and continue sometime in the future.

STAY was based on a prompt so I compiled a few ideas already percolating in my mind and combined it to create the story I’m struggling to finish now. There’s an established arc in the prompt but the specifics of it I have plotted out to a certain point. I’m not sure how far into their story I want to go but I’ve got at least a few chapters left.

Thanks for stopping by nonnie! :)

#ask #answered #anon #stay fic #IDEKYN fic #satfs fic #outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic #Anonymous

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kkruml · 6 years

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What’s your favorite outlander character to write and why? Who is the most difficult for you to write, and why? And do you prefer the third person POV to the first person POV?

GAHHH what a question @smoakingwaffles. You’ve seen all my dirty work so I can only IMAGINE how you think I’m gonna answer this lol

I’ve written more from Claire’s POV but actually really like writing Jamie (I haven’t even attempted him in the 1st but do like writing him in the 3rd).

I envisioned Joe from the show vs the book and although I like the way his scenes came out, I kind of felt like I was flying a bit blind at times with what would be in line with his character (GOOD THING I HAVE A BETA WHO KNOWS THE BOOKS BACK TO FRONT, RIGHT!?)

I’ve loved writing IDEKYN from Claire’s POV (1st person) but it is exhausting… at least for me. Switching POV/writing situations from tandem POVs has been a fun challenge but again- EXHAUSTING.

The Foreigner’s Secret is a quicker process in terms of writing the characters- it’s the FREAKING PLOT that’s causing mental fatigue.

I think STAY is a good mix of the two… which ALSO gave me the opportunity to write Geillis- and I’m SO EXCITED to write more of her.

What do YOU enjoy reading most? Any characters that you really love to see fleshed out or POV that really captures you??

#outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic #ask #answer #idekyn fic #stay fic #the foreigners secret fic

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kkruml · 6 years

Text

I don’t even know your name Chapter 20

As promised, a super something special from @smoakingwaffles! As always, this fic would not exist without you.

@missclairebelle you are the loveliest of the lovelies.

Thank you both for all your support with this, and just everything.

AO3

Previously

“What does ‘mo nighean donn’ mean?” Her voice was soft but he caught the distinct Scottish lilt she always tried for and a giggle settled deep in her chest.

His eyes opened slowly, meeting hers. His voice was warm and calm, “My brown haired lass.”

Her head tilted slightly, a smile pulling at the corner of her mouth as she sighed. “Yes. I am.”

She was. And she always would be.

Moments in time not yet lived flashed before his eyes, and he rested his cheek against her curls. All these months away from her- late nights, weeks in Glasgow and London, secrets, and half-truths. He was ready.

It was time to tell her the truth.

Claire

Relief.

He was mine, I was his. Nothing would change that.

Jamie

Almost finished.

He checked his phone for the time and exhaled loudly.

“Easy lad, dinna think she’d take kindly to ye up and dyin’ on her.” He tried to hide his humor but caught Jamie’s eye as he winked.

“Murtagh…” His brows were creased and his voice was strained. “What if I canna do it?”

“A little late for that now, mmph?” He gave Jamie a nudge with his elbow and he turned back to his work.

“Aye, I suppose it is,” was all Jamie said as he pulled out his phone, his thumbs padded quickly as he searched his contacts.

On my way. Thanks Joe.

Claire

Jamie was running late. I rearranged my coat that held his seat at the bar as Joe and Gail ordered another round.

“He said he was tied up with something- Murtagh needed his help,” I offered, trying to fill the empty space next to me as I glanced down at my screen, checking the time.

“I’m sure he’ll be along soon,” Gail patted my arm and smiled.

Joe’s phone buzzed and he grabbed it- a surgeon’s instinct to rise up and meet an emergency. I caught a hint of a smile as he typed a response before locking the screen, placing it face down on the bar top.

“Everything ok, Joe?” I raised one eyebrow as I glanced down at his phone.

“Right as rain, Lady Jane.” He smiled and raised his pint to me, clinking it with Gail’s.

I nodded and reached for the newly filled glass of whisky and took a generous sip. The familiar tingle hit my tongue and I soaked in the flavor of jasmine and honey, with the hint of toasted caramel as it lingered.

We settled into an easy conversation as Gail and Joe discussed their summer plans. My ear caught the sound of the door as a rush of cold air hit my skin, forming gooseflesh. I felt a pulsing heat from behind me, coupled with the familiar aroma of smoked woodchips and almonds. My eyes closed as I took in his scent, feeling a calm wash over me.

“Is this seat taken?” his voice was low in my ear, his nose nestling into my hair as he placed a kiss on my neck.

“Just saving it for a dashing highlander,” I smiled as I pulled my coat from the chair, anxious to feel his heat encompass me. He shifted onto the bar stool, one hand rested low on the small of my back as he leaned into me, placing a light kiss on my lips. Our eyes locked and I exhaled, the stress of the day falling away as the rhythm of our breathing matched.

“Well we had better get going, have a good night you two.” I turned towards Joe and caught a quick wink, but it was not intended for me, but rather for the curly mop of red hair settled next to me. My brows creased as I tried to read its meaning but Joe pulled Gail’s stool out and they were headed towards the exit without another word.

My eyes were still on the door as I felt the movement of my glass in my hand. I turned to see Jamie draining the last of the liquid before setting it back down on the bar top, his tongue catching the remnants that glistened on his lower lip as his eyes found mine.

“So, Sassenach,” Jamie’s hand shifted to my hip, his fingers slowly peaking under my blouse, leaving a trail of heat in their wake. I felt a small pull start deep within my pelvis as he continued, “Do ye ken what today is?”

My head cocked as I tried to focus, feeling small swirls against my skin, “Erm… Saturday?”

He leaned in closer as his lips brushed my forehead. “Aye. It’s also our anniversary.”

“It is?” My brain counted the months as a small smile formed on his lips. “But that can’t be right-”

“Aye, it is,” his other hand found mine and our fingers laced together softly. “One year ago today we met- right here in this spot.”

I blinked hard and remembered that moment- we had been suspended in time. The pulse between us ignited something inside me I had never felt. Those deep blue eyes had pierced through me and that instant between two strangers had felt more intimate than any moment of my relationship with Frank- with anyone.

“You’ve kept track?”

“Oh, aye,” the smile spread across his face and he leaned closer, “It isna every day a wee Sassenach lassie stumbles head first into yer life… and chest.”

His hand traveled the length of my back as his eyes watched my face as I took in each sensation. His fingers searched for mine and laced between them, holding me in place.

His teeth grazed my earlobe and my breath caught. I tried to clear my throat but felt the heat as it spread to every limb.

“I could listen to your squeaky noises every day, Sassenach.”

“I do not make squeaky no-” my word was cut short as I felt the mix of his tongue and warm breath dance across my skin.

I felt the rumble of his laugh in his chest as he continued his assault, his face hidden in the expanse of my curls.

“Jamie-” my eyes fought to stay open as the waves of sensation pulsed through my veins, my words scattering as my hand tightened around his.

Don’t stop.

I could feel his smile against my skin as he sighed, his breath warm against my neck. “Aye, come on Sassenach, let’s get out of here.”

I smiled and nodded, taking a moment to clear my head before I reached for my coat and scarf, steadying myself. “Where to?”

Our hands were linked and my free hand clutched his bicep as I searched for his warmth. The wind around us sent a chill down my spine as I pulled myself closer to him, our steps in sync as we walked the pavement leaving Broch Mordha behind us.

“Ye cold, Sassenach?” He smiled and his accent was thick as he squeezed my hand. His hand reached into his jacket and pulled out his flask. Handing it to me, he tried for a wink. “Just a wee nip, aye?”

“More of your private stock, I see,” I smiled as my lips met the cold metal. His eyes studied my face as I took in the flavor. It had the familiar notes of the Lallybroch vintage I had committed to memory, but it was subtly different with an undercurrent of something I couldn’t quite identify. “This is different.”

“Aye, it’s a new distillery.”

I felt the rosy haze creep up my cheeks, and I smiled as I simmered in the sensation. “Mmm. I really like it.”

A ghost of a smile crossed his face before it vanished.

“Sassenach,” he stopped and stared at me, his eyes a dark and stormy blue. “Claire.”

My stomach flipped. He only called me by my name when it was important.

“There’s something I must tell ye.”

My eyes caught the twitch of his fingers against his thigh, and I knew it was something serious. Every muscle in my body tensed. I stared at him, not risking a blink as I heard my own breath, shallow and erratic.

“All these months, I havena been in Glasgow and London,” his words came a bit quicker, “There were times aye that I was, but many days, I was here.”

“What?” My voice was small, barely making it past my lips. “What do you mean, here? In Edinburgh?”

“I dinna want to keep secrets from ye, but for this- I had to.”

Jamie.” My heart was pounding in my ears as my vision blurred slightly. “What are you saying? Have you been…lying to me?”

“Christ- No. I mean- Yes… but no.” He shook his head. “This has taken me from ye all these past months- late nights here and in Glasgow, trips to London. But the moment I laid eyes on ye, I knew I needed to.”

“Needed to what?” My head was swirling; his voice sounded foreign to my ears, his words blurring as I tried to focus.

“This.” His eyes traveled to the building in front of us.

My eyes looked at the solid oak door and ornate iron door handle. “Jamie, I don’t understand. What is this place? And what are you talking about?”

He released my hand to reach for a set of keys, unlocking the bolt with a swift motion before turning to face me with a hand outreached, “Come inside, and I’ll explain it all to ye. Please, Claire?”

His eyes followed my gaze, I could feel the pulse between us quickening as I took in the space.

The building looked like a renovated warehouse, an exposed venting system contrasted with old wooden beams that crossed the ceiling, nicked and marked by hands that were two hundred years old. Exposed brick lined the wall behind a thick wooden slab, a cut of an old tree with bark still evident but polished over, with bar stools lined up neatly in a row. Old and new mixed perfectly in this space. My eyes settled on the line of whisky bottles, strewn with small blue and white vases dotted with bundles of thistle and heather.

I turned my head to see his face- silver moonlight highlighted his cheekbones and contrasted against the deep blue of his eyes.

“I needed to make a whisky that matched the color of your eyes – that when I opened a bottle, I get traces of the remnants of whisky on your tongue – oak and hints of honey, the mix of our skin, together… the scents that lingers on ye long after I take ye.”

My eyes shifted back to the bar as I took a step closer to the bar and my eyes focused on the bottles. The label had the familiar faded blue Scottish flag in the background, just like his family’s label, but this one had a different name, written in a rusty auburn hue- Fraser’s Ridge. A silhouette set just to the left, and I squinted as I took in the line of the cheek- I would know that chin anywhere.

“It’s your whisky, Claire.” His eyes were soft and filled with emotion, “I made it for you.”

“Me?” My eyes caught the letters printed in the corner-a stitch pattern I had memorized- a surgeon’s precision.

CEB.

The script matched my scarf.

My eyes refocused as I took in the full script.

CEBF.

“… for us.”

C.E.B.F.

Claire. Elizabeth. Beauchamp.

My chest contracted as I stared at the last letter. F.

Fraser.

I turned towards Jamie, my eyes shifting down to see auburn curls atop imposing shoulders, lowered to the ground- on one knee in front of me. My breath hitched as I took in his eyes, a dark, deep blue- vulnerable and tender.

“Claire,” his voice was steady, clear, and strong. “There’s a lot in this life that I dinna ken. But I have no doubts about you, about us. I want to wake up to yer curls splashed round yer face, and fall asleep hearing yer breath as it slows.”

Tears blurred my vision as I felt a swell in my chest. One hand rose to my mouth, a poor attempt to steady my breath as I took in his words.

He paused, just looking at me expectantly, and reached into the pocket of his jacket. When he removed his hand, a band of silver engraved with a bloom of thistle was nestled between his fingers. Time seemed to stand still as I took in his smile; his eyes alight with wonder as he looked at me. I blinked hard; my heartbeat pulsed through my body as I tried for a deep breath.

“I want my arms around ye to comfort ye, and Christ, I want to revel in yer brilliance as ye heal. I lay myself at yer feet, praying ye’ll give me a lifetime to prove myself worthy of ye.”

He rose slowly, his gaze not leaving mine, as he slipped the ring onto my left ring finger. His hand slowly reached for my cheek, fingers wrapped themselves in my curls as his hand cupped my face. “Will you have me?”

I pressed my forehead into his; taking two deep breaths before tilting my face back towards his. “Yes. Yes, I’ll have you.”

I felt his smile as his mouth met mine, his lips warm and soft. Home.

Every ounce of credit (see what I did there?) deservedly goes to @smoakingwaffles for this incredible realization of the label for Fraser’s Ridge. I am just speechless.

#idekyn #i don't even know your name fic #outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic #tat outdoes herself #i give you the next banner #all my love to all the readers

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kkruml · 6 years

Text

I don’t even know your name Chapter 19

@smoakingwaffles there are words- 10 versions and 10 rounds of feedback that resulted in a sing song of my favorite Grease song. YODA YE ARE AND LOVE YE I DO.

AO3

Previously

“Those ‘things’ Lady Jane, they are there- now, With Jamie. All you have to do is take them.” His eyes softened; his voice low. “The question is- do you want to?”

A small smile formed as my hand wiped away my tears. I paused, letting his words settle under my skin, feeling their full weight. My voice was shaking, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Yes you do, LJ. You’re just afraid of it.” His voice had a trace of humor in it, and he sighed as his eyes slowly closed. His hand tightening around mine.

He was right, I knew the answer. I was afraid. Afraid of the life I had envisioned for so long and the flashes of a life that could be lived. I needed to reconcile who I was with who I wanted to be.

It was time to make a choice.

Claire

A knock on the door stirred me as I heard a figure shuffle into the room. The familiar sound of medications hitting the paper dispensing cups caught my ear as I took mental stock of my surroundings. I heard the familiar beep of the monitor and the smell of hand sanitizer stung my nose.

My eyes were dry, and it took a second effort for them to open. When they focused, I was faced with a blank wall, save a familiar framed print of a vase- brimming over with flowers.

A blank wall.

A vase of thistle and heather.

Unmarked canvas.

Jamie.

Bare wall.

Boston.

My thoughts swirled as I lifted my head- my neck was stiff and the deep ache of exhaustion lingered in my bones. My hand was still intertwined with Joe’s, his pulse slow and strong under my fingers. He was fast asleep, likely put under by the steady drip of morphine in his IV. I blinked hard and saw the clock hanging on the wall. It was nine o’clock- I had fallen asleep in Joe’s room, my head on the side of his bed for the last few hours.

Jamie

His eyes stayed on the door to Joe’s room. Fingers drummed against his thigh incessantly as he tried to keep his breathing under control. He could still feel her tongue against his, taste her need and feel the urgency as he pressed into her. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts and focus.

If there was one person who could set her straight, it was Joe. He could almost hear the hum of Joe’s voice through the wall, stern but kind. Joe would tell her to go to Boston, and he would be right to do it.

The hands moved around the clock at a painstakingly slow pace.

He made a quick call to Murtagh- letting him know he wouldn’t be in Glasgow in the morning, asking for a few days off. As soon as the words left his mouth he abruptly ended the call, before his ears caught a string of Gaelic swears he knew were coming.

He knew the timing was bad, with recent developments ahead of schedule, but he could not think about work or all that he had planned- with her. He was going to need time, space, and to cut himself off from anything that reminded him of them.

He had hunched forward, elbows on his knees, his hands locked together as his chin rested on his knuckles. He waited, eyes locked on that door- barely risking a blink.

His eyes followed the nurse as she methodically knocked on Joe’s door, not waiting for a response before entering. The door swung shut, clicking behind her. More seconds ticked away on the clock as he waited. When the door finally reopened, Claire emerged slowly from the darkness. Her arms were wrapped tightly around herself, shoulders tense. Her eyes were unfocused- red and drowsy. She moved as if in a fog- desperately searching for refuge.

He all but jumped out of his chair, using every ounce of restraint not to run to her and gather her into his arms.

“Are ye alright, Sassenach?” the last word hitched in his throat and he swallowed hard.

“Please Jamie,” she sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping, “take me home.”

The walk back to their flat was slower than usual, Claire’s feet shuffled against the pavement as she meandered slightly. His hand hovered at the small of her back, ready to steady her or steer her should she waver.

With the door locked behind them, they were alone, safe, and timid with each other. His eyes scanned her as she stared at the two mugs still side by side on the dining room table.

There was so much to say, but tonight they were both hollow. The rush of intertwining her world with his to the gutting realization of Boston- trying to hold their world together amidst the backdrop of her birthday and Joe’s accident.

No. Tonight, they needed whisky and the promise of sleep. He needed her beside him.

She looked fragile, a breath away from crumbling. He stepped carefully around her towards the liquor closet. He eyed her closely, seeing her hands shaking slightly. “That bad, is it?”

“And worse,” her voice wavered as her eyes opened, meeting his gaze.

He nodded slowly, taking two glasses and filling them with her favorite whisky. Handing her a glass, he raised his own. “To Joe.”

Her chin trembled slightly; he could see the fear and anxiety wash over her as she tipped hers in response before downing the liquid in one motion. Her eyes closed again as she swallowed, her jaw clenched but her eyebrows slowly relaxed. He caught a flicker of relief in her breath as it steadied, and her eyes opened to meet his before lowering to the floor.

“Come, Sassenach,” he reached out a hand to her, “Let’s get ye to bed. Ye looked fashed and ye need sleep.”

She paused for a moment before nodding and took his hand, eyes not lifting from the hardwood floor as he led her down the hallway to their bedroom.

He couldn’t sleep.

His body was attuned to hers, feeling every muscle twitch as she tossed from side to side. She had been restless all night- entangling her limbs with his and fidgeting with the sheets before abruptly searching for solitude.

He had felt her weight leave the bed more than once, and each time he fought the urge to follow her. Instead, he locked his hands together against his pillow, ears perked to each sound from the kitchen. He had heard the clink of glass, the flow of water from the tap, and deep breaths as she emptied the cup before her feet shuffled back towards him.

He breathed in the scent of her body and the mass of curls dripping in lavender, listening to her every sound, taking in her nearness. Their bed- his bed, would not feel the same without her; there was no relief from the pressure in his chest as he soaked in every moment she lay next to him.

Claire

His heat was too close, I couldn’t breathe. My thoughts could not focus with the promise of his touch one breath away. I turned my head to see the outline of his cheekbone, kissed in moonlight. His eyes were closed but his breathing was shallow; he was just as restless as I was. My eyes stared at the clock- 4:00am.

I let out a heavy sigh and pulled myself out of bed once more, my eyes not leaving his face. His eyebrows creased and his hand flinched but he did not open his eyes.

I dressed silently in the dark, grabbing for the nearest shirt I could find- Jamie’s. I sighed and it felt hollow. I slipped it over my head; the scent of honey, almond, and body wash encompassed me as I breathed in his aroma. Finding my jeans and his sweater, I padded to the door. Looking back once more at his form on the bed, my eyes traced his sculpted muscle, intertwined with cotton sheets. His red curls were tussled against his forehead as his hand rested on my pillow.

The streets were quiet, with whispers of daylight just creeping up from the horizon. It was only a few blocks, and I needed to think.

It was time to decide.

The hospital came into view. I needed sanctuary, and at this time of morning the gallery of the operating theater would be empty. I picked up the pace, looking for solitude and clarity.

Jamie

He had felt her stir, heard the shuffle of clothing as she moved through the flat. The click of the door lock hit his ears with a deafening sound.

He counted the minutes she was gone. Every muscle in his body ached and his head throbbed. A thousand thoughts swirled around him as he waited; he fought sleep but his body surrendered to sheer exhaustion as his mind conjured the exact amber of her eyes.

The sound of the door latch shook him from his sleep. His ears followed the familiar cadence of her feet against the floor, and he felt his shoulders relax slightly. He slowly opened his eyes enough to see a soft glow peeking through the window against the curtains. His eyes came into focus as they caught the time on the nightstand- 5:35am.

Her weight shifted the bed slightly as he turned his face to hers, a small curl of her lip formed as she whispered, “Hi.”

He blinked slowly, taking in every angle of her face and committing that sound to memory. His voice was low, thick with fatigue, “Mo chridhe.”

“Are you awake?”

“Aye, a restless wee billy goat lay next to me last night,” he with a half crooked smile. “Dinna ken where the wee creature went.”

It was enough to elicit a small laugh, and he smiled in response.

“Jamie?” Her voice was small, barely leaving her lips.

He almost broke at the sound of his name on her lips. His hand tentatively moved towards hers, breathing deeply before gently closing his around hers. “Cla-” He paused, the thought of her name made his heart constrict. “…Sassenach?”

Her fingers pressed softly against his, her eyes watching his as she asked, “C-Can you take me somewhere?”

“Aye.” He cocked his head slightly against the pillow, eyebrows creased. “Where do ye wish to go?”

“Just...” she started, waving her other hand towards the glow from the window, sounds of traffic softly humming from the street below. “Away from here.”

The air was crisp as they slowly made their way up the footpath. He could walk this path with his eyes closed. But today, his eyes were locked on the horizon, yearning for the clearing awaiting them, needing air and space to think clearly. But every footstep was closer to their farewell and his feet were heavy, grazing the dirt and finding uneven ground.

He had brought her here before, all those months ago. His heart almost burst with the possibilities then, now he felt it crack, sinking with every movement forward.

He pulled his eyes from the first colors creeping across the sky and turned to see Claire, her eyes locked on him. Stormy blue met golden amber and he stopped. Her cheeks were gently kissed with a soft pink, a few curls floated around her face as the wind swept through the valley.

He wanted to remember her just this way, and without another breath one hand touched her face and his lips searched for hers. His breath mixed with hers as her mouth opened to his, and the warmth of her tongue sent a current down his spine. His other hand wrapped around her waist, anchoring her to him as he searched for absolution, finding only endless waves of heat as her arms locked around his neck and he drank in the taste of her.

Breathless and drowning in her touch, he broke their contact as his hand held onto her face, fingers locked into her curls. He felt a rush of calm as he stepped back from her, turning towards the peak as his other hand found hers, lacing his fingers with hers.

Together, they crested the top of the Graham. Plumes of vibrant violet and a burning red flashed across the sky as he led her to his spot- a ledge of granite well-worn by time and softened by a thick cover of moss.

This place was the same, but felt so vastly different. Effervescent colors had streaked the sky before, painting the horizon in a vivid watercolor of light at sunset- seemingly just for them. That was the first time his heart had formed the words before he could find the courage to speak them.

Tha gaol agam ort.

I love you.

He meant it more now than he ever had. He needed to speak the truth of his soul but could not find the words. Being here again with her- now- his heart was all but splintered as he knew this is where they would say goodbye.

He took a deep breath before he unlocked his fingers from her and took a step back, memorizing her face as the sunrise warmed her face.

“Jamie,” her voice was soft, her eyes focused on an unknown spot in the distance. “We need to talk about Boston.”

Fuck.

“Aye,” he sighed deeply as he fought the urge to look away. “We do.”

Please. Just one more moment before this all shatters.

His eyes traveled every curve of her face and soaked in the exact color of her curls, the furrow of her brow and every spec of gold in her eyes. He felt the words coming, both conjuring and cursing them as they formed on his tongue.

Her eyes finally shifted to him, her fingers locked together in her lap. “Jamie-”

“Claire-,” he interjected, unable to hear the words that would ruin him. If his heart were to break, he would be the one to strike the crushing blow.

She sat silently, lips slightly parted but she said nothing. Her eyes were wide but soft, curls sweeping across her face as she cocked her head to one side, listening.

Christ she was beautiful.

“You are going to Boston.” His words came out slowly, tasting sour as each syllable burned his tongue.

This is it, man. Ye canna stop now.

“Ye need to do this. I am sae proud of ye- ye’ll be a gifted surgeon.” His words tumbled out as his voice shook, “I mean- to say… ye already are. But Boston, ye said it yerself- anyone would be lucky.”

His eyes closed as he tried for air, his accent thick in his throat as he slowed down enough to focus as his eyes opened to meet hers once more. “But yer no’ lucky. Yer gifted in healing. Ye’ve earned it. Ye must go.”

Her face contorted slightly as she shook her head slightly, her brows pressed together, and her lips pursed. Her cheeks were flushed and tendrils freed by the wind swirled around her face.

His very own tumbleweed.

No. Not his.

“Are you finished?” Her tone verged on amusement as one eyebrow rose as she looked at him.

He breathed heavily, having spent all his air saying the words he’d dreaded over the last forty eight hours. His head crooked slightly, running his hands through his curls as he nodded, “Aye.”

He stood, facing her, feeling unsteady. His hands shook with adrenaline and anticipation. His eyes shifted slightly to the space next to her. It would be easier to keep his distance, but he needed to feel her touch against his skin. He swayed slightly as he heard her voice cut through his thoughts, “Jamie, will you sit with me?”

It wasn’t a question, and he did not hesitate. He felt the pulse between them strengthen as he eased onto the ledge, back straight and shoulders square. He took a final breath to steel himself before he turned his face to meet hers.

“I love you… you know that, right?” A ghost of a smile flashed across her lips before it vanished.

“Aye.” His heart was pounding in his ears and his jaw clenched as he forced himself to hear her words.

Her hand lightly traced his, her fingers slowly nestling between his. “And you love me enough to want what’s best for me.”

Christ.

His eyes shifted to their hands, the final moments of their lives linked. His hand tightened around hers as he tried for deep breaths.

“But what if what I want…” she trailed off, as she took her other hand and slowly lifted his chin, tilting his face to meet hers, “is right here?”

“Claire-” He started as his hand rose to his face, grasping for hers as he tried to pull it away. She ignored it as she pressed her palm into his jawline.

“No. Jamie. This is my life. My choice.” Her voice was steady as her thumb lightly grazed the skin against his cheekbone.

“But ye canna-”

“I bloody well can!” Her voice was strong now, almost forceful as she pulled her hand away. She rose and took a step back, shaking her head as she turned to face him again. “What good is a career in Boston if I have no one to share it with?”

His pulse quickened as he dared to really hear her words and he felt a pang of hope as he shook his head, trying to keep the trembling pieces of his heart from crumbling.

She crossed her arms and shifted her weight to one hip. “My life is here. It’s Joe, Gail- it’s you.”

“Sassenach-” he was unwilling to hope. He dropped his head, shaking it slightly as his eyes closed. “I canna be the reason ye stay.”

“Jamie. Look at me.”

He slowly opened his eyes to see her kneeling in front of him, eyes level with his. He moved to lean back but her hands clasped around his neck, holding him close.

“I’ve never known home, until you. It’s not England, Scotland, or Boston. But you.”

He could not find words. He leaned forward, his forehead resting against hers as his shoulders tensed.

“Please- don’t push me away,” the veil of calm had cracked, her voice shaking as her fingers pressed into his neck. “The sum of my choices is my life, and this is the life I choose, Jamie.”

“Mo nighean donn…” his voice was raspy, his heartbeat quickening as he struggled to keep his thoughts from scattering.

“I want this, Jamie. I choose us.” Her eyes burned into his like an ember.

He took one final breath, his arms slowly wrapping around her, holding her in place, not letting her go.

“Besides,” she said with a curl of her lip, “I bloody well can’t live without you.”

The sun caught the flecks of gold in her eyes as the smile spread across her face. Her lips slowly found his- tender and gentle. The moment he felt the heat of her skin, his arms pulled her tighter, his tongue sought hers. Her chest pressed into his as her hands traveled from his neck to his shoulders and locked into his curls. His hand cupped her head as their mouths moved together, a rhythm that matched the pulse of his heart. Every ache and throbbing pain of the last few days was slowly washed away as he breathed in her kiss. He moaned into her mouth as the words came into focus. You are my home.

She wasn’t going, she was staying.

Home.

Both breathless, she sighed as her face dropped from his, resting her forehead against the crook of his neck. He held her close; her arms were securely locked against his back, their breath slowly steadying as he felt a hum vibrate against him.

“Jamie?” she asked, slowly tilting her face up towards his.

“Aye?” His nose trailed hers as every sense filled with her.

“What does ‘mo nighean donn’ mean?” Her voice was soft but he caught the distinct Scottish lilt she always tried for and a giggle settled deep in her chest.

His eyes opened slowly, meeting hers. His voice was warm and calm, “My brown haired lass.”

Her head tilted slightly, a smile pulling at the corner of her mouth as she sighed. “Yes. I am.”

She was. And she always would be.

It was time to tell her the truth.

#I don't even know your name fic #IDEKYN #outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic #this one took SO MUCH brain power #i need a drink

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kkruml · 6 years

Text

I don’t even know your name Chapter 22

Okay folks. This is the second to last chapter for IDEKYN. I hope you enjoy it.

Eternal love and gratitude for @smoakingwaffles and @missclairebelle.

AO3

Previously

“But I don’t need your protection anymore.”

His lips parted to speak, but he stopped as I squeezed his hand.

“I’m not broken anymore. I don’t want you as my protector;” I paused, feeling a smile curl at my lip, “I want you as my husband.”

“…and I canna be both?” his voice was honest, seeking truth.

“Of course you can,” I smiled, bringing his hand to my lips, kissing it softly. “But only if I can be yours in return.”

A flicker of sunlight found his face, illuminating a sea of deep blue as his eyes met mine, brows creased as he nodded slowly.

I sighed. I wanted to tell him just how much I loved him. But where words failed, I was resolved to show him. “Take me home.”

Claire

The Guest List.

A few simple texts from Jenny.

…and then a few more.

Then came the emails.

I stared at the document- eyes wide, forehead resting against my palm. My eyes scrolled through the list, recognizing the first few names.

Jenny, Ian, Murtagh, Angus, Rupert.

But the rest of the list blurred together as I saw countless names foreign to me. I flipped through the pages of names and found my saving grace at the bottom:

Joe. Gail. Geillis.

My whole world defined in three words.

I had carefully built a life without many ties. I kept my circle of confidantes small. Over time, I felt less like the orphan I had for so long been, and before I knew it- I had created the closest thing to “family” that I had ever known.

My world now included Jamie and his family.

Jamie was my home. He was the air I breathed and I was the beat of his heart.

But I did not know these names or the faces they matched; the rest of the list swirled in my head and I exhaled loudly as I shut my laptop, shaking my head to clear it.

“Everything alright, Sassenach?” His voice was calm, but I caught the hint of concern as he looked up from his work.

He had taken to bringing stacks of ledgers home after work- at first it was one or two pages but it had slowly crept across the kitchen counter, with just enough room at the end for me.

“Erm… Yes.” I tried for a light tone; there was no sense in worrying him over this. I had told him I was okay with the wedding he wanted, and I was, but I hadn’t expected it to be so... much.

“Ye have no poker face- ye ken that, right?” He smiled as he set down the papers. He pushed the stool back and stretched his arms above his head, exposing a sliver of skin, tight against muscle at his waist. “The list- it’s a long one, aye?”

I reluctantly pulled my gaze to meet his and tried for a smile, “The Frasers have a bigger family than I thought.”

He chuckled, his muscles relaxing slightly as he nodded his head. “Aye- mostly it’s the MacKenzies, ye ken. Highlanders are steeped in tradition, wouldna be proper to no’ invite them.”

I closed my eyes and rolled my head to one side, stretching my shoulders in an attempt to relax. “Yes. I can see that.”

Large, warm hands encompassed me from behind, his chest against my back, arms locking around my shoulders. My hands found his and our fingers intertwined. He knew this was my favorite embrace; the rise and fall of his chest always slowed my breathing and steadied my heartbeat. He placed a kiss on my shoulder, and waited. We breathed together, in and out, silent for a moment, and I felt a calm wash over me.

“Better?” His voice was muffled as he nuzzled his face into the nest of curls pulled just off my neck.

“Always.”

“Dinna fash, Sassenach,” his voice hummed into my ear, “There’s only one person I care to see at our wedding.”

I felt a smile creep into my voice as my cheek rested against his, “And who might that be.”

My heart skipped a beat as I felt his breath against my skin, the warmth traveling into my belly. I heard a rumble in his chest as his lips grazed my skin. “Mmmm. Let me see if I can find her.”

His hand moved to my waist, turning my body to face him. His mouth found mine as his tongue traced my bottom lip, seeking entry. I gave it without hesitation, leaning into him as one hand pulled me closer, the other reaching behind me, pushing his ledgers aside. Papers scattered behind me as he lifted my hips and gently lowered me onto the countertop. I surrendered to his movements as my thoughts scattered. Flickers of names, both foreign and familiar, gave way to waves of sensation as we found the rhythm we knew by heart.

Jamie

The money.

Claire had picked up extra shifts at the hospital in an effort to pick up the overtime pay. The result was an irritable, exhausted Claire and he saw her wits start to fray at the seams.

At first he had taken his work home with him- both for a change of scenery as well as a chance to see Claire after her shifts. But with each long shift and late night, he found their conversations grow shorter and shorter, her tone developing a slight edge. She would come home exhausted, utter a few words and head to bed- at times fully dressed face down on the pillow.

He had not intentionally done so but late afternoons often turned into late evenings. More than once he had fallen asleep, head resting on arms folded on the desk-then waking at dawn bleary eyed and stiff.

The extra work would be worth it, he knew that.

But the strain of the wedding was starting to crack the perfect bubble of their engagement. Lallybroch in summer was a perfect backdrop for the official launch of Fraser’s Ridge. The soft open had been successful, but he knew that a strong first year was vital to its success.

The wedding coincided with the grand opening, and the majesty of Lallybroch dressed with flowers, muslin, and Fraser tartan was more than he could have hoped for. The grounds would be open for tasting the week leading up to the ceremony, with a crescendo the day before- the tasting room would be fully dressed for the reception, with CEBF as the spotlighted vintage.

Six weeks to go.

After another late night that crept into early morning, he slowly made his way up the stairs to their flat. He was exhausted, hungry, and in need of a shower.

His key hit the lock with a thud, and he exhaled in relief as he pushed the door shut behind him, letting his briefcase and coat fall to the ground. He smelled the distinct smell of her favorite tea, and the side of his mouth curled into a half smile. He made his way towards the kitchen, anxious to find her.

She was standing in front of the sink, still in her pyjamas. He padded to her, eager to wrap his arms around her. He pressed his chest to her back, his hands grazing her stomach as they locked together in front of her.

She tensed slightly, sighing as she turned her head towards him. “Lovely to see you make an appearance.”

He pulled back reflexively, her words catching him off guard. “What exactly do ye mean by that, Sassenach?”

She turned towards him, stepping back slightly as she squared her shoulders. “Only that this is the fourth night this week you’ve slept… somewhere else.”

“And just where do ye think I’ve been?” His limbs were heavy with fatigue but he felt a jolt of adrenaline shoot through his body as he stared at her.

“I dinna ken.” Her voice was low, flat- almost unrecognizable to him.

His voice was accusatory, almost indignant as he shook his head, “I’ve been slaving away at the distillery, workin’ to ready the Ridge for the opening.”

She crossed her arms at her chest as she eyed him. She took two deep breaths before responding, “I didn’t ask for this.”

“Are ye serious, Claire? This is all for you and ye dinna even want it?!” He felt his heart beat thumping in his chest, threatening to shatter the cage that restricted it.

“This isn’t for me.” She stepped towards him, her hands clenching into fists as her hands dropped to her side. “The wedding, and all that goes with it, is important to YOU.”

“I told ye- I’d marry ye in a paper knapsack- carryin’ a bouquet of thistle, Sassenach.” He felt his pulse echo in his ears as he tried to control his tone, just barely in check. “Tradition is important to my family. And I ken that ye haven’t traditions of yer own- no’ like this, and I’m sorry for that, truly. I just want all that I have to be yers as well.”

He watched her closely, seeing her fists loosen and her breathing slow. Her jaw unclenched and her eyes widened. She took a deep breath before she took a small step towards him. One hand tentatively reached for his, her slender fingers hovered, waiting.

He waited, feeling his breath match hers, his shoulders slumped slightly as the last of his anger left his body like an extinguished matchstick. “I want nothing but the best for ye- fer us… I dinna want ye to think I canna properly provide as a husband should.”

Her fingers intertwined with his as she took the final step towards him. “Jamie, you know I love you. And I want you. I want a life with you. The wedding- it will be beautiful. But it’s just one day. I want the rest of our lives.”

He took a deep breath,

“I want you. Every day.” A small smile pulled at her lips as she cocked her head to the side, “and I want you in my bed. Every night. Aye?”

A small laugh passed through his lips as he nodded. Without another word, he pulled her to his chest and they stood together, silently breathing in the promise of better days to come.

Claire

The vows.

One week to go.

Saturday brunch at our favorite cafe had become a somewhat weekly ritual as the wedding drew close. Jenny had taken over the wedding planning, and for the most part, I was eternally grateful. The flowers, seating arrangements, catering- it was overwhelming and I did not know the first thing about the family traditions that would soon become my own.

There was only one thing that mattered to me- saying my own words to Jamie.

I sipped my cup of oolong and nodded as she rattled off the completed items, eyeing me every few minutes to ensure I was indeed listening.

She turned to Jamie as she continued, “You’ll want to use the traditional vows- the same vows as mam and da, aye?”

Wait... what? Traditional vows?

“Aye. I dinna see-“ his eyes shifted to me and must have seen the red creep onto my cheeks.

My head was spinning, this was the final straw. The rest I could make peace with. But the words, my words, they mattered to me. I felt my heartbeat in my fingertips as I tried to steady my breathing.

Don’t make a scene. Not here. Not in public.

“Please… um… excuse me.” I stuttered, trying to remain calm as I placed my tea on the table. Despite my efforts, a splash of liquid escaped the mug and pooled on the marble top. I stared at it for a moment before abandoning them both, not meeting their stare. I needed air, space, and I needed to not think about the wedding.

I was halfway down the block before I heard his familiar stride behind me.

His large hand encompassed my arm and pulled me to a stop as he came around to face me. “Sassenach, what the devil’s gotten into ye?”

Tears threatened as I looked down at my feet. I heard his breathing as it shallowed, shaking slightly, but I found a speck on the pavement and held my gaze, slightly unfocused as I shifted from one side to the other.

“Claire, will ye please look at me?” His tone was controlled but I knew it was not a request.

I shook my head for a moment before I felt a warm hand cup my chin, forcing my gaze up to meet his. His eyes were wide; he looked bewildered as he took in my stare.

I cleared my throat as I struggled to clear my thoughts and continue. “I know how important these traditions are, and I want to give you all of it. I just-”

Two deep breaths.

One week.

Then I would no longer be Claire Beauchamp.

I would be Claire Fraser.

#IDEKYN #i don't even know your name fic #fan fic #outlander #outlander fan fic #it's almost over #are you ready for it #thank you for reading

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kkruml · 6 years

Text

I don’t even know your name Chapter 21

@smoakingwaffles @missclairebelle what can I say that hasn’t been said? This chapter needed a lot of help and you came thru. Big time.❤

AO3

Previously

“I want my arms around ye to comfort ye, and Christ, I want to revel in yer brilliance as ye heal. I lay myself at yer feet, praying ye’ll give me a lifetime to prove myself worthy of ye.”

I pressed my forehead into his; taking two deep breaths before tilting my face back towards his. “Yes. Yes, I’ll have you.”

I felt his smile as his mouth met mine, his lips warm and soft. Home.

Claire

I wasn’t good at this.

I could visualize the exact path of every major artery and vein in the human body and recite the muscles linking shoulder to calf. I could suture the delicate lining of the human heart.

But this? I was hopeless.

“Roses, then?” Jamie was staring down the row of various flowers and turned to face me, one eyebrow cocked. A small smile played at his lips as he took in my face.

I let a small laugh pass through my lips, shrugging my shoulders. The last time I had seen roses in abundance was draped over two coffins, side by side as Uncle Lamb held my hand, my life forever changed in an instant. I paused, trying for a gentle tone as I countered, “How about lilies?”

“Och, aye. I like it.” He smiled, his hand finding mine as he brought it to his lips, kissing it gently. “We could tie some thistle together and it’d be perfect, Sassenach.”

Six months down, three to go.

I had been adamant about waiting, not wanting to rush into marital bliss but rather to simmer in the peculiar sensation of anticipation and possibilities that came with the status of engaged. Jamie had been patient, but had taken subtle steps to keep the planning in motion. Well, he thought he was being subtle, but I just smiled and went along.

My thumb touched the silver band on my finger against my palm, sliding across the smooth surface and I smiled. He wanted a life with me, and for that alone I was willing to wear the dress, hold the bouquet, and smile for countless photos. What truly mattered to me was everything after “I do.” The ceremony of it all was important to Jamie, so it was important to me.

The market was alive with flowers, fresh produce, small booths with jewelry, and food vendors serving local fare.

“I saw a taco truck across the way- I’m gonna go see if they have any carnitas left,” he said, giving my hand a final kiss before unlinking our fingers and padding off through the crowd.

I didn’t need a big wedding- I just wanted the promise of James Fraser.

I watched as he whisked away with a bounce in his step, auburn curls visible despite the growing distance, towering above the crowd. I laughed a little as I shook my head- bloody Scot.

My bloody Scot.

“Claire?” His voice was thin. My ears perked to the cadence and my muscles tensed. That voice had said my name in moments of intimacy and I had once longed to hear it from his lips. I could imagine every line of his face in my head, and as I turned, all I felt was indifference at best and annoyance at worst. He was slightly off kilter as he took in my face; he attempted to steady himself, clearing his throat.

“Frank.” My tone was flat, short. My eyes glanced around but did not see any sign of blonde.

“You’re looking well.” his voice was a mix of disbelief and disappointment.

“Mmm.” Was all I responded as I nodded curtly, crossing my arms as one brow raised at him- waiting.

A swirl of wind circled us and my hand rose to my face, brushing a stray curl from my forehead and I caught his eyes locking onto my left finger. He paused, sighing deeply.

“Well that didn’t take long.” it was a thinly veiled jab, and one that years ago may have crippled my response. I would have retreated and apologized for something that wasn’t my fault.

Instead, I cocked my head, my eyes steady as I met his stare, “I’ll take that as ‘Congratulations.’ How kind of you.”

His lips pursed together as his eyes narrowed slightly. “So, who’s the lucky bloke?”

I heard the familiar rhythm of his footsteps behind me before I could answer. Frank’s eyes widened as his eyes shifted up towards the imposing shoulders I knew were now just inches from me.

JAMIE

“Frank.” Jamie’s voice was charged, barely in check, as he spoke through clenched teeth. He stepped forward, inserting himself between them. His chest heaved as he squared his shoulders, feeling every muscle contract- taking full advantage of his height.

He composed his face before responding, “You must be the poor unlucky chap. Have to say, I’m a bit disappointed.”

Jamie felt the almost imperceptible crack in his façade as his eyes bore into Frank’s. “Ye have some nerve.” His fingernails bore down into his palms, slicing half-moons into the skin as rage pulsated just beneath the surface.

Frank’s lips twitched as his head cocked, glancing at Claire before adjusting his posture. “I suppose I should congratulate you.”

“Mmmph.” One hand clenched, and he fought the twitch in his bicep and rush of disgust as it coursed through his veins.

This man hurt Claire.

“You should go, she doesna want anything to do with ye.” His eyes were focused, his voice held steady but he felt the slight tremble of his fingers as he tapped them against his thigh. His anger was just barely controlled, and his knuckles shook in anticipation of meeting Frank’s flesh.

“Excuse me,” Frank’s tone was condescending and dripping with disdain, “I believe I was having a conversation with Claire.”

“You dinna get to speak to Claire. Not after what ye did.” His accent was thickening and he felt his patience fray at the edges. His attempt at icy civility faded as Frank’s gaze crept back to Claire. Jamie’s shoulders were straight, upright like a soldier ready to charge. His eyes narrowed- cat-like, set with a fierce determination.

“Oh, you think you’re so different than me?” His eyes shifted from Claire to Jamie, his nostrils flaring slightly. “Don’t expect it to last long, not with this one. You’ll always come in second. Don’t expect her to sacrifice any of her time at that precious hospital. Not for you. Not for anyone.”

“That’s the difference between us, Frank. I dinna expect her to sacrifice for me. Claire is a fine surgeon, no thanks to you. Ye shoulda been proud of her… cherished every moment ye had with her. ” He spoke through gritted teeth. “Though I suppose I should thank ye- had ye no been foolish enough to lose her I wouldna be standing here, my ring on her finger.”

Frank scoffed as his jaw clenched. He took one more moment to stare at her. “You’ll see.”

“Ye think she’d ever take ye back?... Is that why yer here?” Jamie snorted and shook his head, breathing in deeply as he stared down at Frank. “After all ye put her through?”

Jamie took another step forward, closing the gap. This man thought he had the upper hand-that he could weasel his way back into her life, her heart. A jolt of electricity pulsed through his veins and for a moment he felt wild, almost feral.

As he contemplated another step, he felt a hand touch his arm, soft but secure. He looked down to see Claire’s delicate ivory fingers pressed into his skin, broken only by the glint of a silver band. He could tell it was a warning, but he could not stop himself.

His eyes shot back to Frank, “What kind of man doesna support the woman he loves? Brings another lass to the bed ye shared with her? No’ much of one.”

“Jamie, love. Can you please get me some water?” Her voice was soft but she eyes met his like a dagger. His brows furrowed as his eyes stayed on hers, before exhaling and throwing a final look at Frank. He placed a kiss on her temple, the heat pulsing through his lips as he lingered just a moment longer than necessary.

CLAIRE

“Bloody barbarian.” He scoffed. His posture visibly relaxing as Jamie disappeared into the crowd.

“You-” I started, my voice strained and struggling for civility, “Do not get to speak about him. Period.”

“Oh come now-“

“NO.” I felt the blood pulsing in my lips as I stepped closer to him. “When I met you, I thought you were the one. I thought I’d love you every day for the rest of my life.”

He winced at the last words as he maintained his stare.

“You broke what we had. You damaged me Frank. But I’m done with you- us, all of it. I’ve been done. You’ve made your choices, and I’ve made mine.” The silver band on my finger burned into my skin as I continued. “I choose Jamie. In a hundred lifetimes and a thousand years- I would choose him.”

His eyes met mine, a final moment of contemplation as I saw the wheels in his brain start turning, looking for an angle or crack in my words.

I stared back- my voice was strong and certain. “Every time.”

His eyes dropped to the ground as he nodded slowly, shoulders sunken in resignation. “Right, then.” His voice was quiet as he lifted his head to meet my stare, “Off you go.”

“Goodbye, Frank.” With that, I turned on my heel and took off in search of that bloody Scot.

I found him sitting outside the market, on a bench under a tree. Speckles of sunlight dotted the grass, leaves fluttering in the breeze created a shimmering pattern around his feet.

“Are ye alright?” His voice was controlled, but I could see his chest rise and fall- short, shallow breaths. He was still upset.

“Yes, no thanks to you.” I stood in front of him, arms locked around my chest as I watched him.

His eyes shot to mine, “Are ye mad, woman? That bastard doesna deserve yer time. Took all my strength to no’ drop him where he stood.”

“Jamie,” I said, a hint of annoyance enveloped my sigh as I looked at him. “That was uncalled for. That was not your place; you should not have inserted yourself into my history with Frank. I don’t need you grandstanding and swooping in like a bloody white knight.”

“Sassenach-” his voice was shaking and I watched the pulse at the base of his throat quicken. “Have ye forgotten? I saw how he broke ye.”

I blinked hard as I caught the edge to his voice, sorrow and frustration broke through and it stopped me in my tracks.

He ran both hands through his hair as he continued, his voice lower, slightly more controlled, “Christ, he had ye so scared to trust- to love again I almost lost ye before I could truly call ye mine.”

My breath hitched as I remembered that morning at Lallybroch. The pain, fear, and confusion that filled my every thought as I had fled. Was I being fair to him? Was I being fair to myself?

His eyes followed me as I stepped closer to him, taking a seat next to him. We were close enough to touch, but he kept his hands clasped tightly in front of him, his elbows resting on his knees.

He exhaled hard, his voice now quiet and hollow, “I was tryin’ to protect ye from-”

“Yes, I know.” Two deep breaths. “I know you want to protect me. That night at the restaurant- when I needed you to, you did. And every time since. When I’ve needed you to keep me whole and take on what I can’t, you do it- without hesitation.”

Warm, solid fingers slowly found mine, interlocking and pressing into mine gently.

“But I don’t need your protection anymore.”

His lips parted to speak, but he stopped as I squeezed his hand.

“I’m not broken anymore. I don’t want you as my protector;” I paused, feeling a smile curl at my lip, “I want you as my husband.”

“…and I canna be both?” his voice was honest, seeking truth.

“Of course you can,” I smiled, bringing his hand to my lips, kissing it softly. “But only if I can be yours in return.”

A flicker of sunlight found his face, illuminating a sea of deep blue as his eyes met mine, brows creased as he nodded slowly.

I sighed. I wanted to tell him just how much I loved him. But where words failed, I was resolved to show him. “Take me home.”

#idekyn #i don't even know your name fic #outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic #look at that shiny new banner

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kkruml · 6 years

Text

I don’t even know your name Chapter 17

@smoakingwaffles my yoda, love ye I do.

AO3

Previously

He heard the shower turn on and he smiled reflexively, looking down at his dusty and disheveled appearance, the exertion from her move still on his skin. One hand was already discarding his shirt as he stepped into the hallway towards the bathroom.

He stopped to take one final sweep of the flat, their flat- and eyed the pile of envelopes on the counter.

The corner of a thick manila envelope caught his attention- he saw the distinct mark of a hospital name printed. His smile faded and his brow creased as two fingers, slightly shaking, pushed the pile of envelopes enough to see the return address and he froze.

Massachusetts General Hospital- Surgical Residency Admissions Office

His eyes stared at the envelope as his pulse filled his ears; his world slowly faded to black as he stumbled backwards and hit the hardwood floor.

Jamie

It was her birthday; she deserved a perfect night.

She deserved to be happy. No matter where she was. He wanted- needed- answers. He feared what she would say. He was desperate to know. But he would have to wait.

One more night to cherish her before it all crumbled away.

One night to imagine every possible scenario that ended with her leaving.

Just make it through tonight.

Claire

I had never thought much of my birthday. My childhood had been spent on archaeological digs, scouring books in libraries for ancient secrets. The calendar hadn’t meant much to me until med school. And now, with Jamie, I eagerly checked my schedule against his, looking for precious hours to spend together.

Having spent the better part of the day packing and unpacking my little corner of the world and settling it amongst his, I had been given the best gift of all.

Jamie.

And- that- I intended to celebrate.

We had ordered another round- two drams of Glen Grant and two pints of stout. Jamie’s arm stretched along the back of my chair as my arm rested softly at his side. The final syllables of Joe’s punch line prompted a snort from Gail as I hiccupped into my glass and I laughed, trying to find my breath. I felt the low hum reverberate from Jamie’s chest and I leaned into the sound, one hand cupping his knee as I felt the line of his thigh press against mine.

Flashes of the life I had always wanted finally came into focus. Nights were not filled with formal dinners and expensively ostentatious bottles of wine, with etiquette and manners at the forefront and education and politics meticulously woven in. No. Instead, they were filled with pub food, cheap beer, good whisky, and my favorite stories made new again with Jamie by my side.

Joe launched into another memory from our neurology rotation and I felt a long sigh from Jamie. His eyes were focused on Joe, head nodding slightly as he listened but I caught the slight tick of movement in his cheek, as if he was wincing, though it did not fit the story he was hearing.

He had been quiet tonight; I had eyed him speculatively more than once, sensing fatigue. His breath came hard at times, as if a weight lay on his chest. His eyes were hooded and I scarcely saw the sea of deep blue, but felt the familiar heat emanate from his chest and I settled myself next to him, basking in the warm glow of bliss I hadn’t felt in a long time.

I felt the drum of Jamie’s fingers along the chair, against my shoulder. My eyes searched for his, but he stopped short of meeting my gaze. Instead, one corner of his mouth curled slightly as he pulled his arm from me to take a drink of whisky.

Jamie

Boston.

His ears heard the deep, velvety voice, but all he could focus on was the neat, even print on the envelope.

Boston.

That word, that thought, kept trickling back into his mind despite his best efforts. He fought every urge to ask, and each time their eyes met he felt his tongue fight the word as it tried to form. Instead his hand found hers and pulled it to his mouth, gently kissing her knuckles. He heard, almost felt her sigh as his lips lingered against her skin for a moment, soaking in her smell and touch, before resting them both on his thigh. His heart pulsed both in love and in pain at the light hum of her laugh while anticipating the next line in a well-worn and beloved story.

Boston.

He wanted to be near her, encompass her, pour himself into her and drink them both together. The sting of the word would shock his senses and it took all his energy not to retreat. He needed space, needed to be near her, needed to be alone and yet together all in one moment. His thoughts spun in an endless circle as Joe’s voice seeped in, feeling ivory skin locked between his fingers. He set back against the chair, cold and firm, exhaling hard as he nodded, hearing faint traces of the words floating around him.

The tension between his shoulder blades could have snapped with a light touch. They walked slowly up the steps to their flat. Their flat- the words sent a hot spike into his chest as his mind started swirling once again.

As he pushed the door closed behind them, he turned to see her staring at him, close- too close, not close enough. Her eyes found his, whisky eyes glowed in the dim light- embers burning into his soul.

“Jamie,” she whispered; her voice low and full. She smiled as her eyes softened and her hand reached for his. “Take me to bed.”

He felt the hot spike penetrate his rib cage as her words hit him. His feet were locked in place, his hands burning to feel her skin against his. He wanted nothing more than to kiss, touch, caress every inch of her but felt his heart contract at the thought.

Her eyes flickered in doubt, her smile fading as her hand fell slightly. “Please?”

The word broke his spell. He stepped towards her and without a word his lips found hers as his fingers locked into her curls. His tongue traced hers as she moaned into his mouth, her hands reaching for his arms, fingers pressed into muscle. Without breaking their kiss, he slowly walked her back into the apartment, his hands moving to her waist, pulling her closer against him.

Her skin pulsed against his. Fingertips traced the lines of her curves as her breath filled his lungs. His tongue dipped from breast to rib cage and across her ivory skin. His lips grazed her collarbone and lingered against her neck, soaking in the faint traces of lavender on her and as it mixed with the honey on his breath. Small gasps escaped her lips as her back arched, their hips pressed against each other. Her fingers grasped for his curls and pulled his face to hers, deep blue drinking in her deep amber.

He entered her slowly, savoring each sensation, watching her lower lip quiver as he moved gently, purposefully. His eyes traced the lines of her face from her cheek to her chin, the curve of her lip as she brought her face to his. His eyes watched every movement, memorizing every sound that escaped her lips. Shadows of this moment would haunt him long after heat of her skin had left his fingertips. He pressed deeper, seeking for possession, both of her and his own. As the rhythm slowly brought them to pieces, she cried out his name- her voice written on his soul as he shattered around her.

Claire

I felt weightless, adrift. My hand reached for him and found his pillow, empty. The deep contentment that coursed through me the night before dissipated as I yearned for his warmth, his steady heartbeat pulsing around me.

I found him sitting at the table; shoulders slouched slightly as he sipped his coffee, eyes fixated on the crack in the wood. My cup of tea was sitting next to him, as it was every morning.

I smiled as I walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder and as I kissed his cheek, I felt his muscles tense. “Good morning, Sassenach.”

“Good morning, sleep well?” I asked, trying to coax a smile but was met with hooded eyes.

He took a small sip and as he swallowed, I heard a low, “Mmph.”

“Jamie,” I asked, “Is something wrong?”

One hand rested on a thick envelope, fingers drumming lightly as he slowly slid it to me. His eyes finally met mine and burned my skin.

Massachusetts General Hospital- Surgical Residency Admissions Office

My eyes stared at the emblem, and my heart stopped. One hand trembled as I broke the seal and slowly pulled the top sheet out enough to see the first few words. I blinked twice before trying to focus on each letter.

Miss Beauchamp, We are pleased to announce the opening of a position in the Surgical Residency Program.

A thousand fragmented thoughts flashed across my vision as I stared at the words, unable to move or speak.

“… Boston, then?” His voice was low, almost a whisper, but it was thick with anticipation.

My face lifted from the blue and white emblem on the envelope to see his eyes- a dark storm behind a carefully crafted dam- staring back at me, waiting. “Jamie…”

My heart was pounding against my ribcage and my lungs struggled for air as I tried to piece it all together.

Boston. Scotland. Jamie. Home.

“Jamie,” I tried again, my voice was hoarse and shook slightly. “I applied for this program but that was over a year ago, that was before…”

“Before me.” His eyes dropped back to the table, he pressed his hands together and rubbed one palm with his thumb.

“Before a lot of things.” I tried to clarify, but his eyes were a thousand miles and two hundred years away.

“If ye hadna met me, would ye go?”

“It’s more complicated than that.” My hand reached for his and tried to interlock our fingers. His hand did not resist but his fingers lay motionless. The movement that had all been but a reflex was suddenly a distant memory. I tried to clear my throat, to find focus, “I was weight-listed there, a position opened up so I’m next in line… if I want it.”

“Claire,” he paused, and raised his face to mine, eyes wide and unassuming. “Do ye want to go?”

“To this program?” I clarified, trying to find a few precious moments to sort out my thoughts.

“Aye.”

“It’s an incredible program. Anyone would lucky to be there.” My voice shook slightly as I tried to steady it.

“Yer no’ answerin’ my question.” His accent was growing thicker as I felt a distance form between us.

“Do you want me to go?” I felt my chin quiver as tears threatened.

“No-“ The word sounded broken as he took a deep breath, and shook his head slightly. “No I dinna want ye to go,” his eyes were a tumultuous storm as his voice shook. “But ye need to do this. Ye need to go to Boston.”

“But Jamie-“ the panic was seeping into my voice as I stared at him, his face as flushed as mine felt. “Things are d-different now.”

“I wilna be the reason ye miss out on this,” he pushed his chair away from the table, eyes focused as he took a deep breath before turning to leave the room. The sound of his feet on the hardwood floor pulsed in my chest to the beat of my heart.

“Please,” my voice cracked as I my head fell into my hands, fingers shifting into my curls as I felt the tears form. “Please don’t do this.”

He paused, turning back to see me. I heard two deep breaths before I felt slow, careful footsteps behind me and I felt large hands encompass me. His arms locked around me as his chest rested against my back.

“Mo nighean donn,” his face nestled into my curls, his lips finding my cheek as he sighed heavily.

My hands grasped his arms, strong and warm as I tried to steady my breathing. “Jamie-” but the words wouldn’t come. I closed my eyes, feeling the nearness of him and letting him fill my senses.

“I dinna want ye to leave, but I canna bear to be the reason ye stay.” His arms tightened around me as I felt a warm droplet meet my cheek, and I felt a small cough from Jamie’s chest.

The tension in the air was snapped by the deafening sound of my phone ringing. I stared at the screen, unmoving, still clenching Jamie’s arms, unwilling to let him move. My eyes locked onto the name calling and I felt my heart beat loudly in my chest. One hand slowly reached for the phone, shaking slightly.

On the fourth ring, I finally hit answer.

I tried to compose my voice, failing miserably, "Gail?”

“Claire-Claire! Please, you have to come to the hospital. It’s Joe…” My mind went blank as the phone slipped out of my hand and hit the table. Arms around me tightened as I felt a cold chill in my bones, his heat unable to penetrate my thoughts.

“Claire? What’s wrong?”

Flashes of images ran through my mind but all I could manage through a wisp of a voice was “Joe.”

#idekyn #i don't even know your name fic #outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic

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