posting this bit of the ramble separately from this post (just to keep it a neutral reference) but, I will say, the greatest drawback to Baxter's DLC - and Dereks by extension, I expect - so far is that, even a fully romantically invested Cove just... shuts off??? the moment the other romance is turned on.

rant below, btw:

Like, my MC has had strong feelings ever since day one for a Mr. Cove Holden and I have absolutely nurtured those feelings in Cove just as strongly so that it was very mutual and pretty well known by both them and everyone around them by the time that Baxter actually showed up. So, to see that all just get deleted flat out from the characters like bleach on the brain - It was just, I don't know.. Disappointing?

And I mean, as much as it hurts me personally, I do understand that most people still find polyamory pretty cringe and avoid it - and though I don't agree with that mindset at all purely because it's so non-inclusive to who I am, I'm still not very surprised when I don't find it in the media I ingest either. It's just a sad acknowledgement that I'm always left being aware of.

But like, to straight up just not acknowledge previous romantic feelings in the face of a new relationship at all just feels so entirely fake to me. Like, it broke my immersion completely on several occasions because characters just start acting like they haven't been talking about the obvious feelings you two have for each other for the past several years. The fact that you can't even have an open dialogue of "Oh, what about Cove?" with anyone else is just very ridiculous to me.

Cove also straight up just doesn't have any strong reactions to you anymore and, though I could suspend belief on anyone else having that switch because they were just keeping quiet about shit to try and be polite, I straight up just cannot believe Cove-I feel everything-Holden could just stop blushing or crushing or loving you like that when you are actively still very touchy and very loving towards him at every chance you get. Especially not if you still choose to flirt with him - that 'laughing it off' behavior can only possibly work if you were previously just friends, it does not work when you both clearly have feelings for each other. There should be something there, is what I'm saying, for the sake of immersion if nothing else.

Anyways, this is getting long, lmao.

Suffice to say that I'm not at all surprised I don't get to be poly (even in such an otherwise inclusive game) I'm used to that, which is really a sad thing to say but, there it is. I am, however, pretty goddamned miffed that there was no dialogue or follow up or anything to make the transition between 'Clearly Romancing Cove' to 'Clearly Romancing Baxter' a more realistic and organic experience. That history should not just outright be deleted. If they could make it that Derek still seems to have some feelings for you in Cove's whole romance route, then Cove should also be given that too. Otherwise, it just kind of leaves an unhappy taste in my mouth, y'know?

So, I shared a cute TikTok last night on Facebook which talked about how to identify when a workplace isn't a good fit for you, and the reasons why people sometimes leave even jobs that pay well.

This morning, I got a former coworker texting me about how awful and manipulative it is for me to be vaguebooking about the firm in public, and how she can't believe I thought they were toxic.

. . .

I said nothing, literally nothing, about the firm. If it seemed like it applied, isn't that the problem, not the fact that I posted it? But also, I wish that I didn't have to police my Facebook posts to suit people that I no longer work with. Maintaining a professional network is exhausting.

You know that Chris Fleming line that goes "Call yourself a community organizer even though you're not on speaking terms with your roommates"?

I honestly think every leftist who talks about the "revolution" like Christians talk about the rapture needs to spend a year trying to organize their workplace. Anyone who sincerely talks about building a movement so vast and all-encompassing that it overwhelms all existing power structures needs the dose of humility that comes with realizing they can't even build a movement to get people paid better at a badly run AMC Theaters where everyone already hates the manager.

Lately I feel ridiculous for worrying about the things I worry about in my life, with the genocide in Palestine going on. It fades in and out of my consciousness depending on how busy work it / how much I am following the news / etc. But obviously to be at the point of "university students and professors being rounded up and hauled off in handcuffs as if they're hardened criminals, for engaging in public protest" is an obnoxious and heart-breaking red flag. I admire their courage even as I deplore the circumstances that led us to this point (and I try to keep an eye out for reputable bail funds etc. to donate to, in the meantime.)

I read a tweet yesterday about the importance of the protest movement which, as I write this, is currently sweeping through American universities. Even though college students are young bourgeoisie in training, these protests are important because they disrupt (however provisionally) that social mechanism. It's difficult for me not to feel absurd reading discourse like that, sometimes. I'm a code monkey with 3 years' experience after a nearly decade-long stint as a glorified junior PM at [totally different workplace / industry I avoid having to discuss in great detail if I don't have to.] Today, I spent an hour chatting with a professional coach (complements of my employer's benefits package) about how scared I am that I am alienating my teammates by spending too much time sitting by myself away from them, to focus deeply on their PR's. And how I might proactively address that while reminding them that they're always welcome to reach out to me, even if they can't find me right away. Relationship management and all of that good stuff. And I am genuinely glad I reached out, even if just to get an external take on the situation.

But, I don't know. Doesn't that go right to what that tweet was saying? Isn't what I'm doing, in a way, incredibly neurotic and bourgeois and neurotically bourgeois? I tend to view it as practical problem-solving (it has been the work of my late 20's - 30's thus far to adopt a more object-level attitude about my daily life and the challenges which I face in it.) But it's hard not to feel like accounts of the college protest movement, and its importance, along those lines just hold up a mirror reflecting uncomfortably back on me how "bourgeois" I've let my daily concerns become. Like, coming out of college, you never think you're going to end up just another Working Stiff, with the concerns and the hang-ups that Working Stiffs have, until you blink and then one day you just are, and you just do.

(I certainly don't feel bourgeois when I compare myself to how materially or financially oriented some of my coworkers are and how they carry themselves, and what they choose to prioritize in their conversations and life choices, but that's another matter entirely.)

I know this isn't about me. I know there's Bigger Shit going on. Whatever. It still matters to me that here, at objectively the best job I've ever had, I don't let my old patterns rear their ugly head in times of stress and start pushing away my teammates, who, sincerely, I admire and value as people the more I get to know them. If it's bourgeois to care about making my working life suck a little less then I'm bourgeois.

So are the professors (the few but incredibly fucking brave professors) sticking their necks out for their students and joining them on the ground. Paid their dues, went through the system and everything. Doesn't matter. Didn't spare them from being handled like pond scum by the stormtroopers being sent to "address" the "situation." It's a Friday after our third week back in the physical office. I'm tired.

Just to clarify my thoughts (since I've had a number of people ask me about it) re: Job and cursing God. There's a big difference between cursing God as used in Scripture and how we generally would think of cursing at God today.

Cursing someone, in the Bible, has a lot of depth to it. It's not just saying "screw you " in anger, it's got a sense of forsakenness to it. It's the opposite of a blessing, a removal of blessing. If the blessing is presence, your face shining on the person you're blessing, then a curse is absence. In some translations, Job's wife tells him to "renounce God and die," which I honestly think makes a lot more sense to modern ears.

Job says a lot of unpleasant things to and about God in his anger and grief. So do the Psalmists. A number of the Prophets. So can we. God can take it if we come to him with honest expressions of our emotion, including those not-so-nice ones directed at him. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting mad at God and saying, "How dare you, you bastard" when you suffer unjustly. You can say much worse, I think, without sinning, though I don't feel particularly inclined to give examples. But as long as it's an honest expression of your heart, I think you're doing exactly what prayer is for. You're presenting him your heart with an open hand. He can use that. Opposite of love is not hate but indifference, etc.

Job doesn't renounce God. Neither should we. But I think when you're truly suffering, you're gonna have those feelings toward God either way. He'd rather you address them with him directly than try to avoid them. Cursing at God in the modern sense is actually a great way to keep the relationship strong and not end up cursing/renouncing him in the Biblical sense.

everyone and their mom, mainly people smarter than me, have talked endlessly about fallout and especially about both new vegas and 4, but fuck it, i'll add my two cents

i think my problem with bethesda's take on fallout as opposed to black isle's/obsidian's is that they're just too caught up on the Aesthetic™ of it. they try going so hard on the "50's retro futurism meets mad max" visual that they forget why that's the case in 1, 2, and new vegas.

the kitschy, 50's visuals are there not just to contrast the modern, post-apocalyptic landscape, it's there to contrast to how pre-war america operated. before the nukes fell, america was a totalitarian, military dictatorship that routinely engaged in human rights violations that wore the facade of idealized 50's suburbia. and 200 years later, it's the only thing that remains of its corpse. in new vegas, this part of the setting is acknowledged, but it's more concerned on the current culture of the mojave and a major theme of the game (if not the series) is how to build a new society that won't destroy itself like the one that came before (it's no coincidence some of the characters that cling harder to the past are more prone to have evil karma)

but to bethesda, there's no underlying point. the aesthetic is the point. here's a bunch of things related to nuka-cola, here's a quest where you play as a silver age-esque comic book character, here's group of people that treat power armour like 50's hot rods (and i have to admit, i actually think that's pretty cool), here's a door to door salesman but he's a ghoul, etc, etc. there's all this imagery and aesthetic choices but none of it seems to tie to any theme or actually try saying anything.

Guys, I just got back, I thought we were done with blaming Gwen's stupidity on her race.

She's a dumb, stupid teenager, who did some dumb, stupid shit (on what I see as a misguided trip) but not all of that dumb, stupid shit had to do with the fact that she was white.

Shoes on the bed? Yeah.

Disrespecting parents? Partially.

Lying? What?

Betraying? Literally, what?

Condemning dude to unknowingly live through trauma for character development? My guy, what?

Yes, the movie is about race, but it is also about identity as a whole. It is about trust and distrust, struggle and progress, failure and loss, responsibility and determination, but also being a dumb, stupid teenager and making dumb, stupid decisions.

I'm not trying to belittle race's role in the movie, just emphasize that there is more going into a character's choices than their skin.

There's an idea to me that in og!moshang sqh is a bit of a lady Macbeth. Look like the flower but be the snake underneath, he'd kill whoever and whatever if it meant getting ahead (avoiding exact words from the play cause you said you didn't like gore), pushes his husband to be the same and then gets jumpscared when the guy is willing to kill HIM to get ahead. Oops. Except narrow escape by the skin of his teeth and he shows up on the sect doorstep glassy eyed, shellshocked, covered in blood and a VERY mad armless cat-jiu with him. Hey guys. Can he call sanctuary. Is that a thing cause he'd really like to call sanctuary rn.

Kind of you to remember, anon, but I'm fine with written gore and even most illustrations too. It's photorealistic pictures of gore that squick me out real bad - one of my high school classmates emailed me photos of roadkill and people who died in car accidents and that sort of things instead of the project we were supposed to work on because he was unhappy that he got grouped with me in computer class. (He like, very awkwardly admitted a few years ago that he had a crush on me and he was mad about that, that's why he did it, but like??? WTF.) So yeah. Unless you start to send me photos of like torture victims or dead animals, I'm not bothered.

ANYWAY that's also a very good flavor of Moshang. I'm kinda wedded to the idea of MBJ being very loyal, for a demon (which might not be too out of the ordinary, now that I think about it, just look at ZZL) but like

Super pragmatic MBJ who always watches which way the wind blows? Hell yes. He will set up that death trap if LBH asks him to kill SQH and if he dies, bit of a waste but oh well. If he lives? That's his husband all right! Escapes and he does so with LBH's precious prisoner in tow, now that's a man worthy of the future Northern King!

Which does mean that inevitably, MBJ will casually show up at the Sect with all the fucking info and plans and maps they could possibly need to take LBH down because he figures out that maybe an unstable half-demon with the insanity-inducing sword is not a good horse to bet on long term, as you do. He will claim that SQH's escape was all part of the plan and SQH knows it's bullshit, but he can't do shit about it because MBJ is too useful to let him go back to LBH's side.

He can be really fucking angry about it, but that's about it. And MBJ is infuriatingly nonchalant about the ordeal he put SQH through, the bastard. Why did he even put up with this damn demon in the first place?! SQH regrets ever marrying him.

...and then they angry fuck about it and I'm not saying SQH will be less angry afterwards, but he will remember enough of MBJ's better qualities to maybe tolerate him. For now. He is going to nail MBJ to the bed for a few more rounds of angry fucking before he decides.

Kinda hurts a little when you've spent years creating a specific character in a specific universe for hardly anyone to see them, only for someone else to do the exact same concepts and get applauded for it. Did I just do it that badly or something

I remember when I first made all of my OCs supernatural in early 2022. I was one of the first people in [redacted] fandom who made it canon and talked openly about how my OC were vampires. And I got harassed for it endlessly. People were in my asks and dms telling me it was cringe and overpowered and lame, and that I was dumb to think anyone would care. Regardless of all of that, I kept them around and didn't stop talking about them. And then everyone else caught on and also made supernatural OCs because I helped to normalize it. Which isn't the problem, make as many supernatural OCs as you like, I'm not telling people to stop. That's not what bothers me (I have to add that disclaimer bc someone will undoubtedly try to get offended).

I think what upsets me is that it feels like I talk into a void sometimes and it sometimes feels like I don't have a place to share the things I'm proud of. I have an entire world that I made and this intertwined network of 10+ original characters and I just don't know where to talk about them or how to talk about them. I know we're "supposed to create for ourselves" and to "share it for good reasons", but it's really hard to put myself in that mindset. I don't do it for clout and I never will, I love my characters too much for that. Maybe I've just been doing a bad job of sharing anything about my world and characters, that is highly likely. I just can't help but remember the times I did share things and they went completely unnoticed

Just a little bit of acknowledgement would be nice. I think I'd be happy with that. Just a little bit of acknowledgement for the way I've had to fight to have my supernatural OCs exist in a cyberpunk setting in a hostile fandom. Just a little acknowledgement of the months of effort I put into my characters. And that would be all. Or maybe I'll learn how to just ignore everything and just keep doing as I have been. Putting my head and continuing on, savoring those small bits of genuine friendly interest when they come my way. That's good too

Pagan/Wiccan/occultism/similar spaces even for people just into the historical side of it and not practicing are such a mess with bigotry you need to scope people out so hard, it’s like [approaching you very quickly] Hi are you normal about women and not reducing them to uteruses and fertility, how do you feel about gay and trans and disabled people, also how you do you feel about nonwhite people and nonwhite religions, and also how do you feel about closed religions and their rituals and items not being for you, but especially Indigenous Americans’. answer quickly now

"Venti stans are low key annoying complaining about Venti not being the main focus of the Windblume festival."

First off we do not care. Second off ok???? Literally every character stan complains about their fave not getting enough screen time hop off.

It isn't even about screen time for me. It's about the fact that Venti hasn't truly felt like Venti in several updates. The last time he truly felt like himself was during Weinlesefest but even then he still didn't feel like the Venti we met all the way back during the first archon quest. And I don't wanna hear "hE hAd cHaRaCtEr dEvLoPmEnT." Cause no that isn't what happened, he regressed as a character. He's becoming fanon Venti in game. He gets used for alcohol jokes and Paimon calls him lazy then he dips. 🙄

"He was just in the Lantern Rite.." Shut Up. Shut Up. Shut all the fucking way up! He was terrible in LR and honestly if you cut Venti out of LR you basically have the same event. He did literally nothing of substance and he shouldn't have been there at all.

The first Windblume festival centered around Venti and showed us more of Venti being Mondstadt's archon. The second Windblume festival has barely anything to do with him. Excuse us if we're fucking disappointed, we have every right to be. Like I said literally every character's stans complain about them not getting enough screen time. Yeah sure if every Mondstadt event centered Venti it'd get old but the biggest problem is they decided to center a MONDSTADT EVENT around fucking SUMERU CHARACTERS. Fucking Collei gets more screen time than any Mondstadt character. Which wouldn't be a problem but this is a main Mondstadt event. Even though Venti was in LR 3 he wasn't a main focus he was a background character to the rest of the cast. Which is what Collei should've been cut out Tighnari and Cyno.

Mondstadt has so many underutilized characters and their screen time got spliced for the Sumeru fuckers who already have too much screen time. The entire last five updates have had Cyno in almost everything and Tighnari as well and while Collei has less screen time than them she has yet to be under used. If this was about Collei meeting up with Amber again they could've had that in a different event. If this was about Collei facing her anxiety it could've happened in a different event. They should've just had Sucrose helping Mondstadters cause guess what? You think this is going to be the last time a nation's event gets characters bombarding in? Hell no Fontaine is coming soon we're one hundred percent going to get nation festivals with random characters that have nothing to do with anything probably until the end of the game.

We'll see how happy ya'll are when your fave gets less screen time for some randos that have nothing to do with the nation you care about.

People like to joke about it but hyperfixation really can have extremely negative consequences on your life- Not even exaggerating, ur brain's focused on only one thing doesn't matter how much you try not to.

You forgot to drink or eat for it when on full focus, and most of the time it's not even something "productive" or "cool" like a job you have to do or idk cool scientist stuff.

It can be just counting the flowers on your bed sheets or watching the same thing again and again. Because it's not only something you like it's something ur brain decided to fixate and suck all the happy from it, y'know?

You really can't control that, and after some time you find yourself trying to distance yourself from it not because you dislike it but because you know you can't afford losing control of yourself at that time.

Yes, It can be positive, and it can also be really dangerous.

It's a responsibility you have to live with, and nobody teaches you that- Like most of the things in your life, you're just expected to do so, because "It's not that bad"

*breathes in*

not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

maybe possibly feeling suicidal for the first time in a while