Throwback to the beginnings of my costuming journey. Though this armor has since been retired, mainly due to my unfortunate physical growth, I think back on these times fondly. I like to think the time and care I put into my first build shows, but I may be a touch biased.

The completion of this armor lead to a great many things in my life. Some of the most fun I've ever had, some of the best friends I've ever made, and some of the coolest opportunities I never thought I'd have.

In 2016 I was invited to attend a convention in Salt Lake where I met the man himself, big boss Boba Fett, Jeremy Bulloch. While it was a brief (but incredibly cool) opportunity, he wasn't the only hero I got to meet that weekend. While attending a panel for Mark Hamill, I also got a high five from Jason David Frank (RIP). Another man I've loved and respected for as long as I can possibly remember.

While manning the Star Wars Costuming Clubs booth that same year, along with a new friend, we were blown away by a random surprise visit by Michael Rooker. Though I regret missing this opportunity to get a picture, the conversation we had without a massive group of people interrupting him, is all the memory of the event I need. What a genuinely cool guy.

Over the years my armor evolved and grew with me, but continued to open doors I never thought possible. Growing up in the middle of nowhere, no real money to my name, and no opportunities to truly geek out with the people left in my hometown, I never thought that Comic Cons and costume groups would be part of my life. I had followed what the 501st Legion was doing since I was a kid, and was truly blown away when I saw them on tv marching in the Rose Bowl Parade in 2007. Still, I never thought anything like that would exist in Montana. At that point, the Mandalorian Mercs were just starting, so I hadn't even heard of them yet.

By the time I started college, I was made aware of the existence of the MMCC. Sitting in my dorm dreaming that I'd have the money, time, space, skills, etc, to start a build of my own some day. Then one day in 2015, I saw this helmet for sale from Headshot Props, and I knew it was time. I had to make this purchase. I checked my accounts, moved some stuff around, skipped getting groceries for a few weeks, and 2 months later, there it was in all of its glory. Sitting at my doorstep when I got off work, I don't think I had ever been that excited. I took it inside, ripped open the box, knocked off just enough of the sharp edges to put it on without cutting myself, and low and behold... it didn't fit.

Motivation: demolished. Faith: gone.

I was, frustrated, to say the least. I'm the type of person to take setbacks like this extremely personally because of how often it seems like it happens to me. I set it on the shelf and looked at it for a few days. I knew there was nothing I could do about a return because the dimensions were posted, and I measured my head. It should have fit. I didn't take into account the cheeks of the helmet being a tighter spot, and my bigass fivehead just wasn't gonna do it without breaking the helmet. I had to do something though. I sanded the hell out of the inside of the cheeks to the point that you could see light through them, and I could get the helmet on, though it wasn't a pleasant experience. I then took my heat gun, thinking there's no way this will work, heated the resin just enough to push the cheeks out that little bit extra, and I'll be damned. It was just enough. The helmet was still tight, but it fit, and it was back to game on.

The course of the next few months brought on a ton of changes. I was lucky enough to be working at a sign shop at the time I began this journey, and that shop had a seemingly endless supply of foamed PVC board and a flatbed CNC machine. I was able to trace out my armor design and just have it cut right there! Barely even had to trim and sand anything! It was amazing! I started learning skills I never even knew I wanted. Using a heat gun to form shapes, learning to paint, kit bashing parts to make in-universe looking props, it just never seemed to end! Halfway through my build, I moved, but I didn't let that move ruin my motivation. In that tote was a pile of loose parts and a helmet. Within a month of moving into my new place, it was wearable. Rough, but wearable. Around Halloween that year, I had met up with some local guys that were also building armor, and we handed out candy at the Zoo! It was amazing, and I had so much fun. Met some of my future best friends that day.

Over the years of doing local events, I've been humbled on a few occasions. Mostly from people who joined the group later on that have told me their journey started when they saw me at one event or the other. That's such an incredible feeling and honestly makes all the time, effort, money, stress, blood, and love I've put into this build worth it.

If you've stuck with this post this far, I applaud you. You can probably tell I'm not much of a writer and I'm all over the place with no real conclusion to any of it. I'm really just reminiscing. This weekend I will be parting out this original kit, or at least most of it, in order to help new costumers, new friends, get a foothold in their build, and hopefully motivate them to continue.

If you've ever wanted to build a costume, regardless of what fandom it's for, don't let anyone tell you not to do it. Buy it, build it; piece by piece or all it once, it doesn't matter. Just do it. Solid chance you'll never regret it.

hi its the original cheetz animator anon again and SO SORRY for kicking off drama then dipping for days. however, this is gonna get LONG.

cheetz' entire work model screams offloading shit onto other people so they can produce as much as possible in the shortest amount of time.

Weekend maps (baby's first crunch culture), 200-part maps with 3 collabers on each one (literally 0 problem with collaboration and its very cool [even if its solely because of the insane crunch], but I'll get to why Im bringing it up), and TRAILERS for their maps to generate as much hype as possible for them. What these create is hundreds of videos about The New Cheeteh Z Map, thus boosting cheetz in the algorithm MASSIVELY.

To break it down, each of the 200 map part creators will post a video with the map title in it, pushing the topic out to as many people as possible. the trailer is there for the existing subs, making SURE they watch at the premiere and again putting the "X Cheeteh Z MAP" topic as smth that anyone who vaguely likes maps needs to watch Right Now. Premiere happens, everyone watches, maybe skims the part playlist, and subs to cheetz (or at least flags to yt that theyre interested in their vids). Because this happens every 3 weeks, it's a consistent stream of content running back to them. its the exact same content-farming dr**k did lmfaoo

The same thing happens to hype the animators for The Next Big Project in the server. I think it was hollyfawn that had a 10-day @/everyone spree with like? a scavenger hunt? to tease that the next project was coming, prepare to apply!!11! To add onto it, they literally dont even do the storyboarding themself. They recruit like 5 other people to do it and cheetz'll help out. This is why the visual language is as disjointed as it is, and no hate towards the board artists! Its just that everyone has different styles and cheetz isnt exactly there to unify it aside from some meaningless symbols (does anyone actually know what hawkstorm's wings mean. anyone?)

Now that we've dissected my perspective on cheetz' content creation style, I've done a wee bit of research on my end with the analytics of my vids.

DISCLAIMER: I am a smallish channel with a few hundred subs and I only upload once every couple months. in fact I'm in the process of divorcing myself from wc so its prolly gonna have a massive subdrop as soon as I upload original animations. I am also one person and have not corroborated my findings with any other animators. Part 2 of the disclaimer: Tigernoir was never finished. After the controversy and threats against the host+animators we agreed to call it off and unlist/priv/delete our parts.

The difference in analytics between my TN part and my other unrelated parts that have a fairly large amount of views within the same amount of time is Notable. This is based on the 4-day mark of each part being up (the numbers are accurate because these were recorded then, and not pulled up Now):

The unrelated part got 1.8k views by then, TN got 2.3k. the difference is the interactions though. By the 4-day mark, the unrelated part had 36k impressions, accessed thru the sidebar (a 5% watchrate), and TN had 10k impressions (23%), accessed mainly thru the playlist. TN had 4 comments by then, Unrelated had 12. Unrelated gained me 50 subs, TN gained 10.

Obviously 2 vids from one person can't be Concrete Evidence, so my theory for this is that people are just skimming through the playlist without actually Intending to watch the videos. With the algorithm, even though a smaller percentage clicked the video, the views clearly had their eye caught and chose to check it out. This meant the viewers were actually engaged with the content and chose to see what else the uploader had going. TN's part on the other hand was just kinda There and automatically watched, then likely skipped onto the next part when the process section began.

In all, the focus is not on the animator when it comes to a cheetz map from what I've noticed. It is quite literally All About Cheetz, and he doesnt do anything but PROMOTE that with their content creation style and how he interacted with the people that work for him. Downright disheartening, and this style becoming fairly mainstream + their fans mirroring it is a very large part why im packing my bags from the warriors animation scene. Once again, sorry abt the length! but that anon did drive me mildly berserk and I needed to delve a bit deeper into my stance.

all i can really say is that that sucks man. i'm glad you're trying to pursue something that makes you happy tho! i really hope you gain the traction you desire along your journey! ik all the animators on cheeteh z's maps are like super fantastic so like i can already imagine how good your content will be..

Omg yeeeees, tell us your thoughts and opinions on the Tom Ward interview! I neeeeeeed to know.

Im going to put my opinions behind a cut because quite honestly, im going to get in trouble for something in here im sure.

So remember...opinions.

Ok, so to start, the first thing I thought was interesting about this interview was that they reached out to Tom Ward and asked to be interviewed by him.

Now, I don't know when they filmed this, but it was definitely after the controversies started, so this was definitely their way of sort of getting out there and letting a respectful debunker have a crack at them.

+1 for that. Smart move.

Now, before we even get into the Cody and Satori stuff...editing.

Are we allowed to talk about it, or shall I skip over the part where Colby explained their process as: "I'll take all the footage and cut it down, and then basically give it to another main channel main editor that we have that will do all the music, effects and all the texts and all that stuff, and then Sam kind of corrects that and manages that as well?"

😉

MOVING ON to the meat of this whole thing: snc addressing the controversy at hand.

I have to give snc props for the way they handled all of this. They came across so open and not offended by any of the questions, and did exactly what I thought they should do. They gave their opinions as best they could, while repeatedly stating, "You'll have to ask Cody and Satori that," which YES. GOD. My whole problem with this thing (besides the vitriol) this whole time has been people coming after the wrong target.

So yea, snc tried their best to debunk everything, and they couldn't. When they saw some of the stuff about Cody's past coming out, they reached out to him for clarification and he gave them an answer that they repeated. Anything farther than that is on Cody and Satori to talk about from here on out.

Hopefully, this message finally gets through some thick fucking skulls out there.

Anyway, them being open and honest about certain things - like how yes, all their info is online and, in theory, could be looked up beforehand and used against them, and yes, they did sign waivers beforehand (but on the day of) and yes, they did find some of rhe stuff that came out after to be really weird and concerning (like the Fox Sisters being frauds, or Cody's 11 year old video) really helps show that they are genuine, and just kind of along for this ride with everyone else.

There were a few things that they said that I found interesting, like the fact that the Conjuring House makes them hand over the videos prior to them being posted for a watch-througj for accuracy, and that the secret message that they were told could possibly be shared some day but they have to clear it with certain people and be respectful of peoples' privacy.

I also found the Zumiez thing hilarious for 2 reasons: 1) I legit did not know there were still Zumiez out there, and 2) Sam stated at one point that this was their first brick and mortar merch line but they had merch in Hot Topic stores back in 2019 so...wtf Sam lol.

Also, why did Colby look like he had just woken up from the best weekend nap ever? Hair all flattened down, wearing what I honestly thought was a bathrobe for the entire interview (turna out it was a jacket but ive never exactly had eyes like a hawk so whatever)...dude looked like I look on every 9am conference call I ever got forced onto.

Anyway, I give them props for this. They were charming, genuine, open, not on the defensive at all, and threw absolutely nobody under the bus, while at the same time clearing their names of any wrongdoing in this matter. They utterly charmed Tom by the end, and judging from the comments, did charm a lot of people who were on the fence about them as well.

They're never going to win everyone over, but I think doing this interview at least helped to prove that they aren't about to start getting into the scripted series category of the streamys anytime soon.

Go Go Nekoma! Push it, Push it Nekoma! Coaches Chemisty (pt. 1)

Warnings: Angst, breakups, mention of virginity loss, Swearing

⚠️THIS FIC IS 18+ NSFW, MINORS DNI ⚠️

Word count: 6000+ (split into 3 parts)

"I'm really sorry Y/N. I just don't see this going anywhere. We are both leaving for college soon and going to different schools at that" your boyfriend of the past 2 years, Naoi Manabu said as he looked down to the ground kicking the dirt below his feet.

Your eyes watered as you drown out the words he's saying.

"B-but we can make this work. I can come see you on weekends and we can still see each other over holidays and school breaks" you plead trying to save a relationship you know is doomed.

The past weeks had been rough to say the least. Manabu had been growing distant from you. Making excuses and staying later for volleyball practice to avoid walking home with you. To say it hurt would be an understatement. It broke your heart.

"Y/N I'm sorry, I just can't do this" Manabu said as he looked up seeing tears welling in your eyes.

"I love you. Doesn't that mean anything?" You say sternly as tears roll down your cheeks.

"Y/N-" he starts saying as you place your hand in front of his face.

"No. Don't. I gave you everything. I stuck by you through it all! I stayed late to walk with you home from volleyball practice. I came to as many games as I could! I stayed up late helping you study! Fuck I gave you my virginity!" You scream.

The emotions are just too overwhelming.

"Y/N-" Manabu tries to say as you turn.

"No. I'm done. Good luck with your life Naoi" you turn away letting the tears flow as you start to jog away.

Almost on cue the sky opens up and rain pours down on your head. This is just like one of those awful romance novels. The girl gets dumped by the love of her life only for rain to continue to dampen her day. Just fucking fantastic.

This was quite literally the worst day of your life.

*8 years later*

"Y/N darling can you please water the flowers outside. I forgot to have Vee do it this morning" Your boss asks you politely with a smile.

"Of course! Let me just finish this arrangement and I'll get to watering. You can head home if you like Bella. I know your poor husband must be starving waiting for you" you giggle as Bella rolls her eyes.

"Let him die. No good worthless piece of crap. Couldn't even take the garbage out last night like I asked him too" Bella huffed as she walked over to your table.

"Stay single Y/N, trust me getting married is for the birds. Sure you meet some handsome young man and he charms his way into your life but the MINUTE he says 'I do' its all down hill from there" Bella says to you as she sternly shakes her finger.

You can't help but laugh. Bella is in her 70s and has been married to the same man for 50 years. He's really very kind and helpful in the shop when he comes and visits. Sometimes you think Bella expects too much from her husband but she's quick to shut you up.

"If you don't establish dominance Y/N, these men will walk all over you! You are young and beautiful. You don't want any man. And if you do, find one who will worship the ground you walk on. A man who will lay his coat over a pile of manure for you to walk. A man who will put your pleasure before his own" she says as she lectures you for the 10th time this week.

Bella loved you like her own daughter. Her son had moved away years ago and wasn't around much. She often invited you and Vee to have dinner with her and her husband. The dinners were entertaining to say the least. Usually ending with Bella ranting about how naive women now a days are or how shallow men are.

You enjoyed your time with Bella and her husband even if you didn't share the same sentiment as Bella did.

You hadn't been on a date in over a year. Every relationship seemed to go the same way. There was never a connection. You tried hard through college and after to find someone but always managed to come up empty.

After you graduated college, you took a high paying job in Tokyo. While you were more than qualified for the job, it provided you with little pleasure. It wasn't until you stumbled into Bella's flower shop that you found yourself truly happy.

Surrounded by beautiful flowers and arrangements. It was like heaven. You returned to Bellas weekly to get a bouquet. Soon you found yourself becoming friends with Vee and Bella. It wasn't until Bella mentioned needing help that you made the decision to quite your job and start anew. While the jobs pay was much less than you had become accustom too, your lifestyle really didn't change. You sold your suits in exchange for overhauls, shorts and t-shirts. You got accustomed to dirt below your fingers rather than finely manicure nails. Sure it was a big change but you were so much happier.

You're days were long and busy. Often starting early and closing late. You didn't have family close by, and no significant other so you often took extra shifts and offered to help so the other two ladies could enjoy their husband's.

Both ladies knew about your past dating relationships and the "one that got away" as they so ironically referred to it.

You couldn't lie to yourself. You often thought of Naoi Manabu.

What was he doing?

You were sure he had to be married by now. It had been 8 years since you had last seen him.

After you broke up, you avoided the man like the plague. It helped you only had a week before school ended and you graduated. It didn't seem like he was too worked up over your break up. You had spent far too many nights crying over him.

You felt like you had lost the love of your life.

You, in fact, had.

💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐🏐💐

"KENMAAAA" Coach Nekomata screams "stop running from the ball! We've been over this a million times!"

"I'd like to keep my limbs thanks" Kuzome Kenma whispers as he turns back to see Kuroo Tetsuro snickering.

"Kenma you act like you've never blocked a ball in your entire life" Kuroo teases the setter mercerously.

"Well I wouldn't have to if someone had read into the switch" Kenma glares at Kuroo who's smile drops.

"Alright that's enough" Naoi shouts as the boys return to their practice match.

He sits next to Coach Nekomata as he sighs "do you think they will be ready for nationals? We've only got a month before we leave. They've still got a long way to-"

"Naoi have faith. They will be ready. They are strong" Coach Nekomata smiles as he watches the boys continue to practice.

The game ends as the boys begin to pack up the gym.

Yaku Morisuke sighs as he finishes his stretches.

"Yaku what's got you bothered" Kuroo says as he kneels down to the team libero.

"I'm just thinking about Mai. I really like her but how do I even tell her. Confessing isn't really my strong suit" Yaku says as he rubs the back of his head.

"How about chocolates? Or maybe flowers?" Kuroo says with a smug grin "girls love flowers!"

"Tsk like you'd know Mr. Periodic Table" Kenma says non-chalantly as he walks by.

Yamamoto Taketora and Haiba Lev laugh at the rooster headed team captain as he glares at the 2nd year setter

"Are you even sure she likes short guys Yaku?" Lev laughs as the team shakes their head.

Yaku runs up to Lev kicking him straight in his back.

"Dumbass" Yamamoto shakes his head as he puts the remaining volleyballs away.

"Why don't we go check out that flower shop on the way home? What's it called like Bella's or something. It looks pretty nice" Kuroo says as he gestures to Yaku.

"Kai, you coming?" Kuroo says to his fellow third year and co-captain, Kai Nobuyuki.

"Sure I'll tag along" Kai speaks softly with a smile.

"Alright guys good practice! Remember we have practice this Saturday as well in preparation for nationals" Naoi shouts as the boys groan.

"And Kenma no skipping out. I'll have Kuroo drag you here if he has to" Naoi glares at Kenma who shakes rolls his eyes and huffs.

The boys showered and change, preparing to head to the flower shop as they wave their fellow teammates off.

Naoi boards the train heading home to his small apartment. To say things have gone to plan in his life would be an understatement. While he was doing what he loved, his love life was lacking to say the very least. He had tried numerous relationships, only to have them fail because he could never fully commit. He often found himself in a one-sided relationship where his partner would confess their love but he couldn't.

It became draining for the people he was with so he ultimately stayed single. He knew, in fact, what the problem was. The problem was that he had messed up the only relationship that mattered to him. He'd blown his chances with the only person whom he ever truly loved.

He had blown his chance with you.

When he decided to break up with you, he really thought it was for the best. He knew you had a bright future ahead of you and he couldn't help but feel like he was weighing you down. He thought it would be best to let go before it became impossible. Not that it wasn't hard to do. It broke him.

He found himself unable to date for years. You had been his first everything and you had been it. He eventually forced himself to move on. Having one night stands and short term relationships but never more. Commitment was hard when it wasn't you. He still kept the ring he had wanted to give you for your third anniversary.

Unfortunately he never got the chance to after he inevitably broke you heart. He often found himself staring at it, wondering how life would have been if he had in fact stayed with you.

By now you must be married with babies he thought to himself. It hurt to think about but he knew it would never be. You'd never be his. And he'd never be truly happy.

﹒☼﹒

UPON RETURN | T. SHELBY | ii

﹒♱﹒

part. ii

•requested: yes by a few

•tw: slight mention of blood/fight, alcohol? at the very end theres a bit of seggsual tension

•wc: 2k ish

•season set: 1 /2 (i vision just before 1 tbh)

﹒♱﹒

You almost went silent as you doubled over, laughing with John, trying to catch your breath. The Garrison was loud, a Saturday night was always the busiest, being that it was half of the towns last day at work. Unfortunately not everyone had a two day weekend.

"So this whole room is yours then, ay?", you asked after your laughter died down and you both took a swig of your beverages.

"Oh yeah", John sat up, his arm resting on top of the bench, a few foot between you both, "Meetings, parties, everything 'appens in 'ere", he cleared his throat as he watched you look around in awe.

"When I left", you snorted, "When I left, you boys were barely even feared by Misses Briggs down at the bakery, 'n' she's a scaredy cat", you laughed, "Fuckin' 'ell, now look at ya, practically run the town".

John shrugged, "I don't even know how it got to this, to be fair".

The door burst open to reveal a drunken Arthur, "Y/L/N!", he called, walking over to sit adjacent from you in a singular arm chair,

"Y/N/N, how are ya?".

You held back a laugh, slightly tipsy yourself from Harry's generous pouring, "Better than I was this afternoon, Arthur", you leant back into the bench, "Me 'ands are comin' along now n'all".

Arthur squinted his eyes as you held your hands out above the table. Suddenly he stood up and moved over to sit next to you on the end of the bench. You quickly scooted across it to make some space and practically fell against John. Which of course ended up with now all three of you wheezing with laughter.

As if on queue, Tommy then walked through the door. His eyebrows slightly knitted as he looked over at the scene before him. Y/N's practically in John's lap, Arthur practically hugging the side of Y/N. The three of them hadn't even noticed Tom standing there as they tried catching their breath, trying to remember why they were laughing in the first place.

"Tommy!", John saw his elder brother first, "Finally! Come to join us for a pint 'ave yah?".

Tommy barely nodded his head as he kept his eyes trained on Y/N, who appeared to be now busy talking to Arthur about something. Clearly ignoring Tommy. Which angered him. Not that he would exhibit any sign of that.

"Did you know that Y/Ns been taking notes from our books whilst she's been away", John asked Tommy, "She's practically made her own betting shop down in London, t' make a few bob on the side". John nudged you, bringing you into his conversation, "'Aven't yah?".

You shrugged, "It wasn't really a betting shop", you turned to face John as Arthur stood up, stumbling to the small double door in the wall to get a fresh pint from Harry. "It was more like a 'You bet money on this and I'll double your winnings if you win, except, you won't win because I've rigged it' kind of thing and it was in the middle of the street".

John laughed, "Yeah, exactly, that's what I said".

Tommy walked over to the arm chair where Arthur had first sat, "That's dangerous", he commented as he pulled a pre-rolled cigarette out of his own metal tin.

You scoffed, sitting up straight, realising Tommy was actually in the same room as you right now and you looked a mess, "That's a bit rich coming from you, Thomas", you lifted your leg across the other under the table as you held your chin high. Who was he to tell you something was dangerous; As if he wasn't a notoriously dangerous criminal himself.

Tommy narrowed his eyes as he quickly took a glance at you before lighting his cigarette and chucking his pack of matches onto the table, his spare hand landing next to them. "You know", he began, which made you roll your eyes already, "I'm only trying to look out for you, it's not as if you have us down there with you".

You arched your eyebrow as let out a dry laugh, turning to John to see if he found his just as amusing. He didn't, of course, he was a man, he thought nothing of it as took a swig of his drink. Unfazed by the conversation.

"What, so are you sayin' that 'coz I'm a woman, I can't run my own dodgy business 'coz I won't 'ave The Three Main Peaky Boys to protect me when shit goes bobbins?".

John turned to you, his drink a centimetre away from his lips, "Goes what?".

"Rubbish! Goes Rubbish!", you shook your head at your best friend with a light slap to the side of his head, he tutted and pushed you back slightly.

"This, Tommy", you turned back, "This is exactly why I run my own dodgy business, by myself".

"What do you mean by exactly why?", he said simply.

"I mean, I don't have to fuckin' explain myself every five seconds", you sighed as you leant forward, resting your elbows on the table, a clear sign that you weren't having any of it. Tommy had almost forgotten you were like this. So brash. He liked it. He liked you. It irritated him. "Because everyone down there understands what I'm fuckin' on about".

John turned to you, speaking lowly, "Yeah, but you grew up here?".

You turned to him with a scowl, "Yeah, doesn't mean I fuckin' talk like yous, does it ya muppet".

"Shut up".

"You're the one that fuckin' said it".

"Oi", Arthur shouted as he walked back over, "Why are you arguing like little kids again".

"'Cause Tommy thinks I shouldn't run my own business", you turned to Arthur as he sat down across from John.

"I never said you shouldn't be running it", Tommy said with a flat tone, "I said, it's dangerous".

"Yeah, but it's the way in which you said it".

"You knew I wasn't being condescending".

"Fuckin' seemed like it", you crossed your arms across your chest as you turned your head away from Tommy.

"Oh for fuck sake!", John shouted, "Can't you two go five minutes with out bickering? It's like 1912 all over again", he stood up, "I'm going to find a woman".

"Fine! Fuck off then", you smiled playfully as you watched John flip you off whilst leaving the room. Arthur watched in wonder, he didn't understand your friendship at all, though he admired it.

"Right", Arthur slapped the table, "I've gotta piss but I'll see you two when you've stopped arguing". With that Arthur left the room. You and Tommy now alone.

Wonderful.

Great.

Neither of you said a word. You watched as Tommy eyes moved from every item on the table until he had no choice but to look up around the room. You wasn't stupid. You knew he wanted you to speak first. He wasn't good with expressing his emotions.

But fuck that.

And neither were you.

You brushed your skirt down before standing up and walking behind Tommy's chair. You didn't get far before he sharply turned to grab your wrist, letting go when he realised that was a little boisterous.

"Where you off to then?".

You shrugged, "Dunno, anywhere that's going to hold more conversation then you".

Tommy sighed, "Fuck sake", he mumbled, "Sit down", he looked you in the eye as he motioned for you to sit in the singular seat across from him.

You pursed you're lips, thinking — although honestly, you didn't need to think twice before agreeing to whatever Tommy told you.

Getting comfortable on the seat you looked over at the broken criminal, the shell of who used to be a bubbly trouble maker. "Well".

"Well what?", Tommy asked as he spoke with the end of his cigarette in his mouth.

You shook your head slightly, amazed by the stubbornness, "Why did you want me to sit down, I was excepting at least a smile, or would you rather I leave and find Jack from down the lane", you smirked as you picked at your nails innocently.

Tommy looked over with a harsh glare, "We both know you'd rather spend eternity in a prison cell with me and a rat then have to get into bed with him".

You smiled, it was true, you both knew it.

Yet even the idea of you with Jack still managed to irritate Tommy, it was amusing. You chose not to speak, wanting Tommy to give you his full attention. He looked over, stubbing out the end of his cigarette as he turned to face you, body mirroring yours. He cleared his throat before speaking, "Remember the day you left?".

You shrugged, "Suppose – everyone hugged me a thousand times over and you gave me that pocket knife".

Tommy shook his head, "Wasn't asking a question".

Your voice faded as you knitted your eyebrows together with an irritated smirk, "Oh, sorry, so go on then", leaning forward and resting your elbow on the side of your chair with your chin in your hand you looked Tommy up and down, debating how much time you would have left alone with him before another brother made an entrance, "Enlighten me on my memories".

Tommy's body relaxed back into his seat as his tongue touched his cheek, he had always loved your argumentative side, it seemed as if you reserved it especially for him.

"When you left Jacks house", he spoke as he reached into his blazer to grab something from a hand sewn (by polly) inner pocket, "with this", he handed you a smashed pocket watch.

You took the old small gold plated clock and looked at it with a small glint in your eyes. That clock had once belonged to Jack. Poor lad. You'd been in his house helping out his mother with some letters she wanted to send out for Christmas. Everything was fine until Jack came home, drunk. He was a few years older then yourself. Almost the same as Thomas.

Skipping the details he was talking about a certain girl he had been trying to chat up. Of course she didn't want anything to do with Jack, which she seemed to have cleared up respectfully. However, Jack, being the piece of shit he was, didn't care for that and thought she owed him something.

After hearing enough of it you turned to his mum and said, 'sorry but I can't take this any longer'.

You then stood up and grabbed the pocket watch hanging loosely from his gin stained blazer and smashed it into the side of his head, hitting his left temple. Blood trickled down from his eyebrow as he stumbled back, tripping up and falling onto his settee.

You grabbed him by the collar of his shirt with your free hand, leaning down to face him, 'don't ever talk another girl who's uninterested in you ever again', you pushed him back and stood up straight, 'and if you so I'll let some not very nice men know about it, call in some favours if you know what I mean'.

He nodded profusely and started mumbling some apology as you turned back to face his mother, 'sorry, I'll see myself out', you said as you grabbed your coat and bag before quickly leaving to go find Tommy and tell him about how you probably just made a big mistake.

"He was an ass", you simply said as you placed the watch onto the table, "Whats your point, Thomas". The mans face twitched, almost invisibly, but you saw.

"My point", he leant forward, "Y/N". You gulped, sitting up straight. "That's when I realised you were the one". You visibly shivered when you felt his finger tip on your knee, slowly tapping it he moved it half an inch up as he spoke, "That's when I realised you were going to be the death of me, Y/N".

Biting your lip you looked down, watching Tommy's finger tease it's way across your thigh, unsure of his plans. Barely above a whisper you managed to get out a breathless, "Tommy".

You saw him smirk as he licked his lower lip, his eyes travelling over your body before finally meeting yours, "Yes?".

Cheeks rosey red as you felt yourself blushing you uncrossed your legs and sat up straight with your chin in the air. Only to recross your legs the opposite way.

"Is this an issue, sweetheart?", Tommy said gently, this time he placed his entire hand on your thigh, the thin fabric of the old dress you borrowed from Ada being the only thing separating your warm skin from Tommy's stone cold hand. The only thing stopping you from losing all self control you had.

﹒♱﹒

✒︎author note: part three then?

& comment any spelling mistakes x

✒︎feedback: plz :))

✒︎requests: open⎝09/2021⎞

☞published: 16.03.2021

﹒☼﹒

Suburbs fic idea Milippa /2 (1)

When Philippa wakes on the next morning, it is because someone is ringing the doorbell, and for a moment she is filled with limitless rage at being woken when for once she managed to sleep through the night, at being so tired it borders on feeling dead inside, at the frustration of having to be awake and alive.

This is a draft version. Expect nothing else or maybe wait for the finished product on ao3 lol

Note to self: thinking about maybe changing Tilly to another single woman instead? Single mom? Idk... I think Tilly/Chris is interesting, but like, idk

Then, she takes a deep breath and drags herself out of bed, takes her meds, goes looking for her clothes and only briefly goes into the bathroom to make herself look like more of a person. Then, she forces a smile onto her face and faces the world - or rather, the hell that is a small neighborhood.

Her first welcome committee is made up out of a woman and man - the redhead from the window yesterday, and the man presumably her husband from how he's standing next to her, carrying a plate with cake.

"Hi!" the redhead chirps brightly, beaming over her entire face. Philippa doesn't know whether that is making it easier or harder to keep the smile on her own face. Perhaps it's both - annoying yet also contagious somehow, and they cancel each other out.

"I - hello. Do come in."

"Thanks!" the redhead skips inside, followed by the two men who have yet to say a single word. The one holding the cake platter looks a little awkward with it, and Philippa points him to the thankfully already fully built-in kitchen counter, earning herself a grateful smile.

"Oh, I'm Sylvia, but everyone calls me Tilly!" the woman tells her happily and extends her hand. "And this is my husband Chris - oh, did you?"

"Already handed over the cake," Chris says with a fond chuckle, and Philippa smiles, too.

"Yes - thank you, really."

"You're welcome!" Tilly beams. "We're so happy that you're moving in here, the house has been standing empty way too long! And we have a wonderful neighborhood, there's a holiday party and now in the summer there will be barbecues... Um, yes, sorry," she breaks off a little awkwardly when she notices that she hasn't even let Philippa introduce herself.

"Hello- nice to meet you both. My name is Philippa Georgiou, feel free to call me Philippa. I must say, I am not much of a people person myself- I'm sure we will all still get on well, I just thought I would say that immediately, because otherwise you might think I'm standoffish when I really just have a limited capacity of... /people/ energy for a day, I usually prefer the anonymity of the city because of it, but I'm quite burned out from work and got recommended to live in a smaller town to calm down a little."

Tilly gapes at her a little, and Philippa suppresses a wince. She had planned to be honest from the start (well... About all but one thing, at least), so she wouldn't have to start awkward explanations later and get it all over with instead in one go. But maybe that was a little /too/ honest, now...

"Oh, alright," Chris says a little awkwardly, and Tilly finally catches herself.

"I guess maybe we should leave early then, leave you some energy to meet the rest of the street?"

"No, no, don't mind me, I can survive a day of welcomes, and we haven't tried your cake yet... I just meant in general, for the future... Wait, is really everyone going to come today?" Philippa can't keep her voice from showing some of the pain she feels at that thought. She had thought it would only be her direct neighbors, and maybe even then not all in one day, as people are busy with their own lives... But of course, in a town like this most everyone is at home on a Saturday, with nothing else to do but the routine of their daily lives.

"Um... Are you sure that it's fine? I can text and ask whether some can come tomorrow, or on the weekend, if you'd like... If you're okay with them knowing, that is?"

"Yes, thank you, that would be a relief. I don't mind at all," she never caref much about what people think, and in this case she actually likes spreading awareness on the issue, mental illness is still way too stigmatized, when in the current economic climate most can do nothing /but/ work themselves to exhaustion - not that she needs to, not anymore. She got lucky, making as much money as she did during the last years... But in the process, she unlearned what it means to relax and take a minute to herself.

"Alright, then I'll just let everyone know!" Tilly beams, pulling out her phone. "Not that we have, like, a neighborhood groupchat, just several inofficial friendgroup chats, we're all friends here, really"

"Yes?" Philippa asks, sounding perhaps a little too amused and slightly unbelieving now.

"You don't think we'll be friends?" the expression on Tilly's face is the epitome of 'Puppy-dog eyes', and somehow Philippa doesn't think that she is doing it on purpose. Next to her, Chris is looking at her with a quite besotted expression on his face.

"Oh, by the American definition, sure. I would just use the word acquaintance instead, you see? In most places of the world, you don't use the word friends quite so often, just for what you might call best friends here - and we don't have a ton of 'best friends', just one, maybe two or three in a group, and if we move and have a very good friend there that might be my best friend in that town, but it will be clear that it is not the best friend in general. Then maybe a few close friends, a bunch of friends, and friendly acquaintances..."

"And neighbors are just acquaintances?" Chris asks, sounding sincerely curious.

"Friendships can happen there too, but personally I would take even longer to switch the terms there - you're neighbours first and foremost, you have to live in the same area, that's a category all on its own."

"So, you don't think we can be friends soon?"

Philippe laughs. "Maybe we can be. You both seem nice so far, I promise."

"/So far/?" Tilly asks, just a little bit affronted.

"Well, don't know you very well yet, after all. There is more to a person than just whether they are friendly to a newcomer, and there are a number of issues I'd have to know about someone before I can consider them a 'friend'."

Her gaze falls onto the [xx and she xx unhappy memory about one bigot manager oso]

"Oh- ooh, don't worry about that! We're an inclusive bunch, or trying to be. You won't have to worry about-" she nods at xx, "Just down the street Joan and Keyla Owesukan are also a couple - no, married now of course, and we also have a bunch of gay guys, and everyone is just nice in general... So, you don't have to worry about being gay, a single woman Xxlikeherself?, or a witch"

"I'm not a witch," Philippa says a little perplexed.

"Then what are those crystals?"

"Oh, I just think they're pretty. I'm a bit of a magpie, if anything, a hoarder of shiny things..."

"Oh, you'll have to meet Paul then! He's an engineer, but he makes some shiny jewellery in his freetime, and also he's gay, living with his husband Hugh- not that I think you have to be best friends with all the gay people, of course! Just that well, you're here all alone in the big house, unmarried... And he knows everyone in the gay community, I think, might be able to introduce you to some ladies in nearby neighborhoods, I don't think Joan or Keyla would be much help there, they mostly stick to themselves"

Philippa makes a face. "I don't know whether anyone would want to be in a relationship with me, with how much time I need for myself," that had always been true - only in the past, she had retreated to write. Now, she just needs to be alone to breathe. "And I wouldn't want to live with anyone, I'm quite content having the entire house for myself I don't think many people would be willing to have a serious relationship at a distance that way."

Tilly looks like she is about to say something - like maybe, she knows someone fitting to Philippa's description - but then she just smiles.

Eden's Gate: Left Behind Chapter 2 - Secret Admirer

Warnings: None

Word count: 1.5k

Once again John Seed is slightly out of character (because Winchester 😂😂). Locations I added in for this series that don't exist in game because #HeacanonShit.

*****************************

Kate’s been living in Hope County for a week already, and she starts her first day at the University that same morning, taking 8 classes, and working 4-7 hours shifts at the cafè & diner on the weekends and her days off from class. Her class schedule is.

Introduction to Therapeutic Skills

Monday & Tuesdays: 8:30am-11:00am

Human Sexuality 

Monday & Tuesdays: 12:15pm-3:00pm

Drugs & Behavior

Mondays & Tuesday: 3:30pm-5:45pm

Abnormal Psychology 

Wednesdays: 7:15am-10:15

General Psychology 

Wednesdays: 10:45am-1:30pm

Social Psychology 

Wednesdays: 2:00pm-3:55pm

Adolescence 

Thursdays: 8:30am-11:30am

Personality 

Thursdays: 12:30pm-2:15pm

She wakes up at 6:30am, slamming her hand down on her phone trying to shut off the alarm. She forces herself to sit up, rubbing her face aggressively. 

After a few minutes she gets up and takes a quick shower. 

She gets dressed, grooms and eats something. 

She looks at her phone for the time it's 7:21am. 

She feeds Haley, she grabs all her books, and other class supplies, puts them in her backpack. Still has over an hour until her first class starts. 

Looking at her work schedule, she starts her job at the cafè on Thursday from 4pm until 10pm.

Thursdays: 4:00pm-10:00pm

Fridays: 8:00am-5:00pm

Saturdays: 8:00am-5:00pm

Sundays: 9:00am-5:00pm

She goes over her class material, looking through her syllabus, modules and everything else. She checks the time, 7:32am. 

"I gotta get going" she says to herself. 

"Bye Hale I'll be back later" she says petting her dogs head. 

She goes outside to her car, locks the front door, and drives off to the University.

*******************************************************

Meanwhile at the Seed ranch, John is working on his computer, paperwork, lawyer shit, and sending out threatening messages to property owners to take over their properties to expand the Project. 

His mind keeps throwing him off his work. Kate keeps coming to mind, he kept thinking about her non stop even when he was asleep. 

She kept interfering with his thoughts, he didn't even know her name. 

Only that she drives a black 1970 Chevy Monte Carlo, he leans back in his chair, and closes his eyes. He sees her face, how she walks, how her brown eyes reflect off the sun. 

He gets up from his chair and looks out a window. 

"What's going on?' he asks himself, that feeling in his stomach comes back, he tries to ignore it but it won't go away. 

It takes him a moment to realize that he's fallen in love with her. 

How can he fall in love with someone he doesn't even know?!. 

He doesn't know her name, where she lives, what she does for a living. 

Is she a sinner? a nonbeliever? 

Should I have her confess and atone so she can be near me!? So she can be underneath me!?. All these thoughts come flying into his mind. 

He takes Joseph’s advice, he should go to her. 

He goes back onto his computer, and accesses personal information about the residents of Hope County.

He goes onto some illegal public records website. 

Types in “Hope County, Montana residents” and a bunch of names pop up. 

Scrolling through the names. He figures, she's new, because he’s never seen her before. 

He narrows it down to recent residents of Hope County, he finds Kate but it only gives him her first initial, middle initial and last name.

"K.E. Winchester?'' he mutters to himself. 

Taps the keys on his keyboard, and shows an image of her house 

"That house looks familiar" he tells himself. 

Zooming in on the photo to see the cross streets 

"Melrose and Kelley?" he asks himself. 

A few hours go by. He was able to get her full address. 

He wasn't able to get her first name. 

All he knows is that it begins with the letter K, her middle name starts with an E, and her last name is Winchester. 

************************************************

Kate is sitting in her first class 

Introduction to Therapeutic Skills, listening to the professor go over their syllabus and the lecture. 

She still has 2 more classes to go to that day. 

*A few hours later* 

Her class finishes, she walks out the building, and looks at her clock on her phone, she has a whole hour and 15 minutes until her next class begins. 

So she goes back home and checks in on Haley. 

As she’s walking to her car, her friends Alissa and Sarah call out for her.

“Kate!!!!” they call out. She turns to them. 

“Hey!!” she responds.

“What are you doing on Friday?!” Sarah asks.

She looks around, humming incoherently.

“Nothing. Why?!” she replies.

“We’re gonna all hang out Friday night at the Whitetails” Alissa says.

“Sounds fun. Who else is gonna be there?!” Kate asks.

“Me, Alissa, Morgan, Ryan, Dylan, Kevin, Becky and a few others” Sarah answers. 

Kate shrugs, and says “Yeah sure, I’ll be there. Just text me where its gonna be, and I’ll be there”

“Awesome, see you later. Bye” Alissa says, and they all go their separate ways. 

Kate goes into her car, and drives back to her house. 

*10 minutes later*

She pulls into the driveway and goes inside her house. 

Leaving her backpack and books in the car. 

When she opens the front door Haley jumps at her in excitement. 

"Hey girl, I'm gonna be leaving again in 45 minutes. I'll give you more food before I leave" she tells her, petting her head. 

Dropping herself on one of the chairs, turning on the TV. 

**************************************************

At the Seed Ranch, a desperate John looks up potential names for his mystery crush. 

Klaire Winchester?. No records. 

Kara Winchester?. Nope.

Kali Winchester?. Nope. 

Kimberly Winchester? Nothing. 

Kandace Winchester? Nothing. 

Kristen Winchester?. Still nothing 

Tapping the keys of his keyboard on his computer. 

None of those names come up in any records. 

He groans, leaning back in his chair. 

Groaning somewhat frustrated. 

He can't seem to figure out her name. 

It's probably something simple, and he can't think of it. 

He has her home address. He can probably send flowers, or something to her house. 

That’s what he does, take notes fellas. 

He puts in an order of roses to be sent to her house that same day, and as a bonus he puts in a card with a short but to the point message. 

Time passes by relatively fast. 

Kate looks at her phone's clock 11:55am. 

"Shit I gotta get going!!" she says, shooting up from her seat. 

As she's about to open the door. 

Haley lets out a loud bark to get her attention, 

"What?" she asks her. 

She lets out another loud bark. 

"Oh that's right, I have to feed you". 

She goes into the kitchen and pours some food into her bowl. 

"Okay I'll be home later" she says, petting her head. 

She goes into her car and drives back to the school. 

Driving the 10 minutes back to school, going to her next lecture which is in the same building as her first class that morning. 

*An hour later*

Kate is in her Human Sexuality class sitting at her desk taking notes while the professor goes over the lecture and class work. 

Several hours later at 5:45pm, Kate leaves her final class for the day, and walks back to her car. Throwing her stuff in, starts up the car, and drives off. 

She decides to go into town and buy some stuff for dinner. 

Parking her car in the same spot as before next to that gas station. 

She walks to the same grocery store that's near the church. 

John, who is at the church, sees her walking in the distance. 

His heart literally skips a beat.

He steps outside, taking a drag of his cigarette. 

"A student?" he says to himself. 

Admiring her beauty as she walks by 

"Kaitlyn? Kourtney? Karen? Katherine? Kara? Kathleen? Khlöe?" he whispers to himself. 

Trying to guess her name. 

"Math? Science? History? Law?" he continues to whisper to himself. 

She looks back coincidentally, looking in his direction.

Giving him a little smile. 

He smiles back while taking another drag of his cigarette. 

She walks into the store, grabs a shopping basket, browsing the aisles, and grabs stuff for dinner. 

John stands outside the church waiting, and hoping she walks by like she did the other day. Maybe he can say more than "Nice car" to her. 

Kate pays for her stuff and goes outside. 

John sees her walk out the store. and prepares to say at least more than 2 words to her. 

But unfortunately God wanted him to be patient. 

She doesn't walk by the church.

Walking on her side of the street. 

"Damn it" John mutters to himself, disappointed he really wanted to get to know her. 

Hopefully the flowers he sent made it to her house. 

He leaves the church, goes to his car, driving to her house. 

Hoping he beats her to her house so he can see her reaction to the flowers. 

5 minutes of driving, he makes it to her house. 

She hasn't made it home yet, the flowers are sitting on the front porch. 

He parks his car across the street while trying to remain hidden. 

A few minutes later he sees her car from up the street. 

Kate pulls into her driveway, and sees something at her front door when she gets out of her car, she sees that it's a vase with 2 dozen white and red roses. 

Surprised, and completely caught off guard by the unexpecting gift. 

She picks it up, and sees a card on it. 

"You're beautiful ❤" a smile on her face, and she goes inside her house. 

A smile grows on his face just by seeing her smile.

******************************************

Later that night, John is doing lawyer stuff and gets an unexpected visit from Joseph.

“John!” he says, walking into the ranch. 

He turns around, and sees his older brother.

“Yes, Joseph?” he says.

“That girl?. Did you do what I told you to do?’ he asks, his voice soft.

“I-I sent her flowers” he answers, his going soft.

Joseph nods his head, and says. 

“Don’t let her slip from you John. God has plans for the both of you. She will be one of us”. 

I'm sorry, Breadstick. I will be praying for your grandmother, for sure the doctors will be taking good care of her. Family fights are inevitable but everything will get better, at that moment they are the closest people physically to you so enjoy, stay close and take care of each other. Family is one that is united even in the most difficult moments.

about your important decisions, I know you made the best possible choice, sometimes there are decisions that destroy the heart but fix our lives, so always try to look on the positive side of things

I'm going to take my afternoon off to study some school subjects that need my attention too. I went through the height of humiliation last week, I cried while studying because I couldn't understand the subject that the teacher taught in class. When I finished I just put my things away and went to take a nap

I had a lot to do at the restaurant that I work at last weekend. I take the orders for delivery (I don't think I've ever taken so many orders). And when the shift ended I went to help organize the invetory

my face was bruised after the shift, I have to wear two masks together (a simpler hospital one under and a thick fabric one over it) and a face shield

my classmates made fun of me at school this morning because i have a huge red mark on my forehead and my hair is still not big enough to cover it (at least the mask covers the bruise on my nose)

I have plans for tomorrow, I'll take my little sister to see the sunset in a clearing nearby, I'll take the opportunity and draw a little bit

I think I talk too much, sorry.

I'm sending you kisses and hugs! 💖💕💓💜🧡💚💖❤️💜💛🖤❤️

good luck with your schoolwork! I'm sure you'll be able to catch up. Don't demand too much of yourself

ily 💖💕💞💝💖💞

-dancing parrot 🐦🎶

Aw, thank you so much dancing parrot!! This means a lot to me <3

1)  It is extremely kind of you to pray for my grandmother, so thank you. I will give an update under the cut on her health, so anyone who doesn’t want to hear about it can skip that. 

2) Yes, my family and I have all made up by now! It’s just hard when you’re living in the same tiny house and there’s nowhere to go. 

3) The more I think about it, the more sure I get that I did make the right choice. Whatever happens next is out of my control, but I did my best to make the best decision possible and I know that I’ve done what I can on my end. 

4) Oh God, raise your hand if you’ve ever cried in school✋✋✋✋✋

I cried once in fourth grade because I didn’t understand and once in seventh grade. I also cried once in third grade, like full on sobbed, because my mom was sick and the doctors didn’t know why (it was like a really bad flu, except it wasn’t the flu and it lasted a while, and to this day the doctors aren’t sure what the hell that was but it certainly scared little-me). I’ve also very nearly cried in class, like I had to leave the room, for math-related issues a couple of times in the past. And I’ve cried not in class, but in the school building, for anxiety reasons, many times. I try my best not to do in front of people, but sometimes people know that I’m tearing up and need to leave because I’m about to have a panic attack. Shit happens. I know it’s really embarrassing, but crying is a natural human reaction and you know, like I said, shit happens. Crying it out isn’t the worst thing in the world when you think about it. And sometimes you just gotta stop and take a nap after. Rest and refresh. 

5) I have a friend who used to work at a pizza place as the person who handled the delivery and to-go stuff, and she quit after a week, so props to you! She told me that she’s never been so stressed and also her manager really sucked and didn’t teach her how to do the job properly so she had to figure things out mostly on her own. The final straw for her was when the manager wanted her to train the new hire after she hadn’t even been here for a week yet. She was way too stressed so that just sent her over the edge and she quit. I feel for those who work in the fast-food or restaurant industries. I could never do that. When I had my pre-pandemic job at the grocery store, I got stressed out when it got busy, but grocery store busy is nothing compared to fast-food or restaurant busy. 

6) If people were honestly making fun of you, then fuck them honestly. You’re working hard and they probably don’t even know the definition of hard work. A bruised face from the masks just means you were being responsible and caring for the safety of others while you did your job. Nothing wrong with that at all. 

7) I hope you and your little sister had fun!! Sounds like a great little trip for the two of you!! 

8) Sending you kisses and hugs back!! And don’t worry, you don’t talk too much :) 

- breadstick 🥖

~~~~ Update On My Grandmother’s Health Under the Cut ~~~~

 Unfortunately, the doctors gave a diagnosis: Stage 3 Lung Cancer.

 It doesn’t come as a huge shock, she’s been a HEAVY smoker for decades, but it’s still somehow surprising too :( Like even though we all kind of knew at the back of our minds, it’s still unexpected in a way. She will be undergoing treatment, and that will give us hopefully a few more years. But it could potentially be a few months, depending on how her body reacts to it, which is a scary thought. The doctors are learning towards a positive outlook with a couple more years though, so that’s good. It’s just sad to know that like, this is what will kill her. There is no cure, and the doctors are certain that one day the cancer will kill her, whether it’s in a few months or a few years. It’s weird, because the last time I saw her she was fine. She’s been so careful about pandemic, and really never leaves the house, so we got to see her every couple of weeks since we’re both not going anywhere and being safe. And our last little visit, she was totally fine. It feels sudden and not real, but I know the reality will set in soon. I think it’s like that for my dad, too. We’ve never been super close to my grandmother, not like some people have deep bonds with their grandparents, but we’ve been close enough and she’s our family, you know? So it’s just sad. Trying to be hopeful about it, but there’s also just the facts that we need to face, too 💔

James & Ava

James: I can't see you today Ava: Oh Ava: Well, that's a shame James: it is Ava: What are you up to? James: my dad wants me in the office Ava: Ahh, okay Ava: Well no worries, Monday then James: I won't let anything stop me Ava: I understand Ava: It's cool James: if I can find time to call you later, hearing your voice would make me feel better about a lot of things Ava: That'd be nice Ava: really nice James: missing you is the nicest cliche I think I've experienced James: for a long time Ava: I can't stop thinking about you Ava: so it's good to know you've thought about me too James: of course I have James: I am James: it's what's going to get me through today Ava: Oh James Ava: I'm going to talk to you all day, in my head James: I was going to take you to [insert a cute date location that wouldn't take very long to get to because he wouldn't have had long] so make sure you tell me what you think Ava: Would it be entirely too tragic for me to go alone and pretend you're with me? James: no more tragic than if I ask you to take enough pictures for me to be able to pretend that I'm there Ava: Of course Ava: I owe you for my picture of you 🥰 James: you don't owe me anything James: I'd give you so much more if I could Ava: Me too, I wish I could take pictures just for you Ava: Have to get old school and get a P.O. box James: or keep them on your phone & show me when you can Ava: That I can do James: but will you? Ava: If you tell me how much you want it James: the only thing I want more is to see you in person Ava: I really, really miss you Ava: It, I can feel it James: I'm really sorry, darling Ava: It's not your fault Ava: and it reminds me it's real James: It's my fault James: I could stand up to my dad & say I don't want to work there Ava: If it were that simple, you would've Ava: it's security for your family Ava: you can't just do it without a backup plan in place Ava: least of all for me James: I should have a backup plan James: it's bullshit that I don't Ava: You can make one Ava: you'll have a degree and experience now Ava: you can at least apply to other places with that, get out from under your dad, then think about what you want longterm after that James: Oh Ava Ava: You can, and you will Ava: You're like just finished with Uni now Ava: who knows what they're doing before then, you only have to front you do because children James: I want you to be right Ava: I am Ava: You're smart and driven and good James: how do you know? Ava: Because I said, you can't live like this forever Ava: and you won't Ava: what's the alternative? James: that actually she's right James: everything she says & thinks about me Ava: She's not Ava: She's not right about anything and she knows it Ava: that's why she has to go so hard James: you're right because you said I need you & I do Ava: I'm right because it's true Ava: you're worthy of good things, James James: I'm not a good person, Ava James: I'm barely a person at all Ava: But you are, James Ava: You're a person Ava: whether she wants that or not James: Jay can start boarding school in a year, I've already made that plan Ava: Is that what you want? James: it's what she needs Ava: Okay, so that's a start then James: I don't want to send her away but I don't want her to stay here Ava: Once you've sorted the rest, you can bring her back Ava: She's young, kids are so resilient James: It was so much easier when she was too young to understand what was being said or done Ava: Yeah Ava: I see that, with my family Ava: it's all okay until it needs to be explained Ava: because it can't be explained, or isn't James: exactly James: what words am I ever going to be able to find to make it okay? there aren't any Ava: Actions count Ava: and you love them Ava: that counts for so much James: will it count for enough? James: my actions certainly aren't good enough Ava: Almost definitely Ava: I can't say 100% but a good 99% James: you don't have to say anything James: I'm in my wet clothes today, that's all Ava: You don't have to excuse yourself, ever James: don't I? Ava: Not with me James: that wipes out well over half of my current vocabulary, just so you're aware James: it won't be an excuse that I'm speechless around you Ava: We'll work it out together Ava: I don't mind not talking for a while and just James: I'm going to be here until it's very late but if you can get away, I'll say I'm staying even later Ava: Yes Ava: I can make it happen Ava: People are here but I can get out James: me too then Ava: I don't care if it's five minutes Ava: well, I do Ava: but I'll take it James: I definitely do James: but it won't be James: the girls will be asleep before I'm done, I'm not rushing home for her Ava: Then rush to see me James: I promise James: I know you don't want me to, but I do Ava: As far as promises go Ava: that's a pretty good one Ava: they're like cliches James: I'll work through lunch for the possibility you'll be awake by the time I'm allowed to leave Ava: I can catnap if necessary James: oh, well now that's a mental picture I wish I had Ava: Sadly I can't take photos of myself sleeping Ava: and I don't think I can promise I'll waste any time with you napping Ava: 🤔 James: I'm so very conflicted James: what a dilemma James: but we'll be able to solve it when my dad decides I can be trusted on business trips Ava: 🤤🤤🤤 Ava: Please come through for me J I James: knowing him it'll take a while but I'll come through so he'll have no choice but to do the same Ava: All the faith Ava: and Monday when you come over you can have a preview of what to expect Ava: for motivation James: in order for you to keep it & for him to begin to harbour any, I should go James: but I feel very motivated at the thought, so thank you Ava: You've got this Ava: Later, love James: [let's skip then chicken, come at me drunkenly lol] Ava: You probably can't reply Ava: but I wish you were here James: [a dramatically long pause because imagine how extra weekends would be] James: but you're having fun? Ava: Hey ☺️ James: hi Ava: It's alright Ava: everyone's going a bit hard James: I'm sure your brother would happily throw them all out for you Ava: That may be Ava: but he is not invited James: that wouldn't stop him if he's still anything like I remember Ava: 2 kids and a wife might Ava: ha James: from being a protective older brother? I don't think so James: you either are or you're not Ava: yeah but my cousin is here Ava: so no need for the 'adult' supervision Ava: it's cool James: I'm happy to hear it James: there's no opportunity for me to drag Teddy home if he's there & he wouldn't thank me for it Ava: that's a bummer Ava: though I've already sacrificed him once tonight so rude of me James: to who? Ava: said cousin Ava: he isn't actually who I had in mind but you know Ava: be weird if I ❌ James: it sounds very romantic, I have no doubt he'll be thrilled Ava: Yeah it's like Paris in here tonight James: it's like Venice here, by which I mean flooded Ava: ??? James: 🛁 Ava: ahh Ava: awh Ava: 🐥🧼🧽💙 James: so yes, I'd say I wish you were here too, but I can't Ava: that's fair Ava: someone is in my bath alas James: theirs was meant to be hours ago so the chaos is somewhat relatable Ava: uh-oh Ava: I did think it was more like 💤🛌🌃 James: it's actually really far past that time too Ava: yeah Ava: you must be knackered James: if only I could join you in a drink Ava: There's still plenty 🍾🍾 Ava: I'll leave a full one out on the step Ava: for the milkman, like James: 😂 thank you, Ava Ava: my curtsy is so real James: that reminds me, I like your outfit Ava: 🥰 Ava: you're always nice Ava: are you wet? James: drenched, of course James: but actually not in the metaphorical sense Ava: Yay Ava: I'm happy James: are you smiling? Ava: cheeeeeese James: 📷 Ava: I'll take a real one for you Ava: but not right now James: [the longest pause ever like is he gone or what? but no he's just trying to sort the chaos out of course] James: later is an undeniably tempting prospect Ava: all dry Ava: what are you doing now Ava: a story James: well guessed James: would you like to pick it for us? Ava: You have to make one up Ava: a happy ending, naturally James: & there has to be a dog involved or Jay will be very angry indeed Ava: Frank! James: Oh right, I forgot you have one Ava: He's very angry indeed Ava: 😡 James: about the party? Ava: No Ava: about being forgotten Ava: he isn't actually here he's been dogknapped James: he'll forgive you Ava: me! James: yes Ava: you forgot him Ava: he's devastated James: you haven't taken enough selfies with him Ava: are you questioning my love James: I'm not but he could be, that's what I'm saying Ava: this is a sad story James: I'll do a re-write Ava: good idea Ava: he's on holiday James: working on his tan James: you two are very competitive about it Ava: well we've gotta be summer ready Ava: his diet is going awfully though James: he's lucky he doesn't need to go on one James: it was purely hypothetical Ava: he likes baked beans with the lil sausages in James: what do you like? I can't picture him happily sharing Ava: 🤔 Ava: that's a big question Ava: chinese food James: [when you know he's gonna send her some tomorrow for the hangover bye] James: can you use chopsticks? Ava: yes Ava: v dexterous Ava: shame that's not a sexy skill Ava: like cherry stems James: it could be James: you doing it Ava: 🥢 grab your tongue with that boy Ava: 🤭 James: it could work to shut me up James: but it's only making me laugh right now Ava: I like when you talk Ava: and laugh James: I used to be able to do that cherry stem party trick Ava: you'll have to show me Ava: we'll get some, see if you can do it James: It's been years, I probably can't Ava: you don't lose skills like that James: it's not a real skill, it's a boast Ava: yeah Ava: an implication of other skills, I know James: we all tried it out to mock the girls over how 'easy' it was but only a few of us could do it actually Ava: wink wink nudge nudge is how boys do Ava: 'course Ava: don't always have to back up a boast James: especially when it's one you made in another life Ava: nah Ava: i'll judge you and be so disappointed James: Ava! that's outrageous Ava: that's me James: you're supposed to not even be hypothetically disappointed by me Ava: I'm also not meant to lie to you James: okay, I'm backed into a corner, now what? Ava: what I would do to you if I had you in a dark corner right now is not suitable bedtime story-telling Ava: unless you wanna be up all night James: some stories demand to be told regardless James: & I wouldn't be upset about being kept up for as long as this one takes to be told Ava: You're the storyteller Ava: I'm a journalist, I like to report what happens James: [writes her a very sexy essay right here and right now about the life they should be living in the dark corner, like soz Jimothy you've been usurped as the writer & poet in residence] James: well then, you can tell me what's happening to you Ava: I don't know if I can describe that Ava: how you make me feel Ava: like you're here Ava: the only person here James: I think you've described it perfectly Ava: you are perfect James: no Ava: yes James: Ava Ava: James James: you're not meant to lie to me Ava: I'm not James: it's not true, it can't be Ava: opinion can't be wrong Ava: you can say i'm not well-informed if you wanna Ava: but i'll still think it James: I'm not at your party, I won't ever be able to be there Ava: you don't have to be at my party James: but you wish I was James: that's compromise, it can't be perfection Ava: only 'cos I'd rather be with you Ava: because you're so perfect James: if I don't give you what you want, I'm not perfect Ava: i want you Ava: as you Ava: i can miss you and i can wait Ava: i don't need anything else from you James: I don't know who I am Ava: i see who you are Ava: who you could be James: but I could become someone else James: like my dad wants James: like my wife wants Ava: you can't change who you are Ava: even when you try really hard James: you can lose who you are though James: & I have Ava: I'm telling you, I can see you Ava: even if you can't James: when you stop looking at me, it's going to be really hard Ava: I'll only stop if you tell me to Ava: no other reason James: if I tell you to it'll only be because I have to James: for your own sake Ava: you don't have to worry about me James: it's not the 1st time I've done this or had to stop doing it James: I know I have to worry about you Ava: i don't think i'm special Ava: but i know you like me too James: I think you're very special Ava: but i don't care if you can't be with me Ava: well, i do Ava: but i mean i'll be your friend no matter what Ava: you need me and no one can stop me Ava: not your wife or my brother or anyone James: the problem isn't who my wife is or who your brother is, the problem is that I don't care James: that's dangerous Ava: i said i wouldn't cause trouble Ava: and i won't let you get into any either Ava: not 'til you're ready to face it James: I've never met anyone like you before James: it's the most ridiculous cliche Ava: i know Ava: and I've never felt like this before Ava: so there we go two for two James: it's none of my business & you're under no obligation to answer me, but is that because you've not dated a lot of people before or in spite of everyone that you have dated? Ava: you're so cute Ava: I've dated plenty of people Ava: I liked a lot of them, some of them I thought I loved but then it was easy to be friends with them so I don't know, I think it was just that Ava: this is different, whatever it is and whatever they were James: understood Ava: did you date much James: I wasn't looking for that when I was in school & I'm not allowed to seek it out now James: I had a lot of sex before I got married & after but it's far from the same thing Ava: sure Ava: you weren't getting to know them as well as Ava: that's how lots of people operate James: I didn't intend to get to know you, Ava James: I don't know how it happened Ava: I'm not going to apologize for it James: please don't Ava: can i ask you something though James: of course Ava: did you just wanna sleep with me 'cos you thought i was cute or was it anything to do with who my brother is James: why would it be anything to do with him? Ava: i don't know Ava: 'cept i know him and i know there's history there James: I don't hold any grudges against him, we were all liars & fakes then James: all I cared about was my expensive drug habit & sleeping with as many girls as possible Ava: okay, i just had to ask Ava: things can be confusing enough without worrying about shit that ain't even real James: there's history for you too, it's not about any of that, is it? Ava: no Ava: it isn't James: my wife & your sister have so much history James: honestly more than me & her have Ava: i know Ava: but i'm not gonna exact revenge on her behalf via you James: I doubt she'd want that, she's not Chloé James: I don't believe there's anyone capable of holding onto something for as long & as tightly as she can Ava: I don't know Ava: I'm sure her therapist would tell her grudges are pointless but I don't reckon she can live that truth James: at least she has a therapist Ava: hooray for her James: I should probably get one, instead of talking to you like you are Ava: its what you should do Ava: talk to people Ava: work it out together Ava: nancy can't talk to anyone James: all my adult conversations are carefully overseen & orchestrated, it's only her laziness and the inescapable necessity of my parenting that has stopped the way I talk to my children from being put under the same restrictions James: what she did to Nancy was James: & that's only what I can remember Ava: its fucked James: it's already started with Jay James: if I can't find a way to stop it Ava: you have to James: I know Ava: you know its abuse don't you James: It doesn't matter what I know if nobody else knows it James: believes it Ava: how can they not, everyone knows what a total insane bitch she is Ava: sorry James: you don't need to apologise for telling the truth Ava: i'm not trying to make getting out sound easy though when it so clearly isn't James: it wouldn't be that hard for me to get out Ava: with the kids, or access to, though James: she says Jay's not mine whenever I criticise anything she says or does regarding her James: maybe she isn't James: her sex life was as active & varied as mine was Ava: wait Ava: what James: it's what she says if my bags are packed & nothing else has worked James: because I'd never see her again if she's not biologically my daughter James: but she can't say it about Matty, the dates line up too well Ava: are you on Jay's birth certificate? James: yes Ava: then you either are, and you have rights, or she knowingly lied on an official document but also, gave you full parental rights in the process Ava: if she really is lying then she has to incriminate herself and there's more than a case in your favour James: I don't know Ava: she got you to marry her under false pretenses, she stole years of your life James: it'll just be more of her bullshit James: of course she's my kid Ava: she'd do that? Ava: jesus James: she'll say & do anything to stop me from leaving James: in other circumstances it'd be flattering Ava: does she love you James: does it sound like love? Ava: no think she loves you then James: she thinks she's come this far James: not many of my friends would have agreed to marry her if they'd been put in the same situation James: if any, from the ones I had at the time Ava: i just wanna know what she gets from it Ava: she doesn't work or go to school, right? Ava: you seem to do most of the parenting James: isn't that the answer then? she gets a lifestyle that started out easy financially thanks to my parents & has been made easy by me in every other aspect James: I told you, it's my fault Ava: okay, granted but like she's happy to settle for not being crazy in love, just tolerating her kids and having no ambition of her own? at 22, 23? its not as if her parents would let her starve, Christ.. it'd be sad if she weren't evil and happy to take down you and the kids with her James: as I also told you, I've given up trying to figure her out Ava: sorry James: no, I am James: you don't need to worry about this Ava: yeah i do James: no James: you're a 17 year old at a party, Ava James: you shouldn't be worrying about anything Ava: don't patronize me James: that's not how I mean it James: I like you & she'll take you down too if you aren't careful James: I don't want that Ava: no she won't James: if you think that we shouldn't do this Ava: do what James: see each other as much as we are Ava: why not Ava: because i'm not duly afraid of chloe James: because you don't understand the risks Ava: again, don't patronize me James: do you want to end up like your sister? Ava: that won't happen James: it could happen James: & I'm not worth it Ava: it won't Ava: if you don't want to see me then that's your choice Ava: i think you're making a mistake but you're entitled James: I do want to see you James: I so badly want to Ava: then don't put a stop to us James: just please be careful Ava: I'm not afraid to like you James: Ava Ava: I'm just not, okay Ava: and even if i were, i couldn't stop myself and i won't so there James: you're really gonna age me horrifically, aren't you? James: 👴 Ava: well i do only like you 'cos you're older, obviously James: well, the back cover of the book can be all my worry lines Ava: 😂 Ava: sexy James: I can't make everything I do sexy like you do, darling Ava: don't joke i'm trying so hard to seduce you here 😏 James: I'm not joking James: you are & everything you do is Ava: Monday needs to be here now James: will you dance with me when it is, because we can't now Ava: only if you hold me really close and even tighter James: that I can do Ava: come on Ava: say you will James: of course I will Ava: James James: yes? Ava: I wish I could call you James: I'll go outside to smoke, wait a minute Ava: me too Ava: can't hear myself in here James: [another dramatic pause] James: okay Ava: the perks of being one of the only smokers Ava: and its warm out still Ava: i love summer James: it's a bad habit, but I've had worse James: & I still like winter the most somehow Ava: sorry it looks sexy and I've got a rep to maintain Ava: when were you born are you a winter baby James: January Ava: knew it Ava: awh its not your birthday for ages James: & you only like me because I'm older, I remember James: you must be truly devastated Ava: mhmm Ava: hurry up and hit 30 so we can really make it a moment James: you'll have me looking 30 soon enough James: all these smoke breaks Ava: not if you get to talking please and thank you James: you're supposed to be calling me James: as you wished it Ava: oh Ava: wanna facetime Ava: assuming 🥴 this is not my face James: you could still 'make a moment' I'm sure James: & I probably look better blurry Ava: shut up Ava: you're beautiful James: so you don't want to talk to me, you want to look at me? James: understood Ava: I wanna listen to you talk Ava: [ring him bitch] James: [telling her a story of everything he wants to do on Monday & it's hot & cute & funny & a mood] Ava: you're so so lovely Ava: stick around please James: you're quite drunk Ava: if I was drunk I'd say lots more James: you are so you can James: I'm listening Ava: no Ava: 🙈 James: you're not afraid of my scary wife but you're afraid of me? Ava: no Ava: but I'm scared of feeling crazy, being Ava: a little madness is key but James: I don't think genuinely crazy people are that self-aware typically Ava: maybe James: You're not crazy, Ava Ava: thank you Ava: probably not curtsy worthy but still James: you've devastated me, but I'll hide it expertly Ava: 😞 nooooooo James: I'll dedicate a suitable amount of book pages to it James: but otherwise, be utterly unaffected Ava: as long as that's the only conflict you're planning Ava: know it propels plot but I'll be very sad James: you'll get your happy ending, that means more to me Ava: you too James: that'll require a very long re-write Ava: maybe Ava: the middle can be shit though Ava: think that's writing 101 James: 😂 Ava: come on Ava: reluctant hero is a great trope James: I'm more of an anti-hero James: it's less about reluctance & more that I lack the necessity attributes, like courage or a trustworthy nature Ava: there's plenty different ways to be a hero Ava: there's plenty different ways to be heroes Ava: it isn't all capes and a misplaced sense of authority and vigilante justice James: I'm aware of that, but isn't the advice to write what you know? I'm hardly surrounded by viable examples James: you can't play every role, darling Ava: or write for the life you wanna have, the person you wanna be Ava: usually advice reserved for making you buy shit suits but I think it applies James: that explains why I've never heard it, in that case Ava: 😏 you were born in a tailored three-piece right James: if my parents were authoring the story, absolutely Ava: as much as parents love me Ava: probably not result in my happy ending James: or mine Ava: no Ava: we'll save that meet-cute James: thank you James: though it's unlikely I'll curtsy either Ava: shame James: I can add it to Monday's to-do list if your heart is set Ava: Your Monday sounds very busy as is Ava: I wanna help you relax and feel good not run yourself into the ground with curtsies etc James: you're sweet Ava: come taste me James: your party guests are bound to notice me Ava: I know Ava: I'd make them all leave if you could though Ava: but you can't James: no, I can't Ava: it's not long to wait Ava: just feels it James: it'll go faster for you, half of it spent in bed Ava: ha Ava: actually will have to entertain children too, worst of all my brother Ava: he's as annoying as he is protective etc and will definitely make me spend time with him before he leaves so we can have Monday James: it's a shame a playdate is out of the question Ava: even if I stole his Ava: can imagine your wife's joy to bump into us at the park James: she'll be far too busy shopping or having brunch with her friends Ava: then tell me it's still not feasible before I think it actually is James: it's a bad idea James: isn't it? Ava: it must be Ava: it's too good James: your brother wants to see you, he'd probably invite himself anyway, right? Ava: Probably Ava: but what if I show up really early and annoy him all day Ava: hype the kids up too James: 😈 Ava: there is one problem James: is there? Ava: my cousin will probably wanna come Ava: idk how I'm telling her no James: you said you'd already sacrificed my brother to her once James: how did that go? Ava: I've not been 👀 on 'em Ava: but I see 😈 what you're saying James: if get Jay to insist that he brings himself & a jumper for goalposts, he might Ava: oh Ava: no we can't James: you don't think it'll work? Ava: I told her some stuff Ava: not about you specifically Ava: but she can't meet you, obviously, she's not daft James: why would you do that, Ava? Ava: I didn't tell her anything James: that's obviously not true Ava: well she has no idea who you are James: you can't tell anyone about us James: I shouldn't even have to be saying that Ava: I haven't Ava: I told her about a boy Ava: I'm sorry but it's not going to affect anything Ava: she's not from here, she's not gonna say anything and she's got nothing to say anyway James: if you've told her enough that she could figure out who I am from seeing me at the park, you've told her too much Ava: I'm saying if your brother is there, it's just obvious Ava: I'm trying to be careful James: it doesn't matter, I'll see you Monday as previously arranged Ava: Well it does Ava: I'm sorry Ava: I'm just saying I don't think I can pretend you're just Teddy's brother, there's no point James: I agree Ava: I can tell her it fizzled out soon okay James: like you said, it won't affect anything Ava: you're still angry James: it's a frustrating situation Ava: yes James: I'm not angry at you James: I shouldn't have done this Ava: Be angry at me Ava: it was stupid but I'm not Ava: I won't tell anyone anything James: I know you're not, how smart you are is one of the 1st things I noticed James: but I obviously need to be smarter Ava: You don't want to do this James: I think we should slow down, you won't have to lie to your cousin & I won't get so carried away Ava: okay James: it's for the best Ava: alright, so what does that look like James: I don't know Ava: just let me know then James: I'll call you Ava: 👍 James: okay Ava: later then

Hi! Please please continue the mutual pining canon divergence fic! Seriously, s3 angst and pining gives me life!! I'll promise to read all of your amazing ideas for this fic omg i can't wait!! It's sooooo amazing and I want more HAHAHAHAHA THE LONGING LOOKS, OMG THAT STUFF IS MY WEAKNESS I NEED IT IN MY LIFE!! (I'm secretly super thankful we want the same "tropes", now I get to read amazing fics from you) Stay inspired!!! Xx, diane

You have always been such a sweet and supportive reader! Thank you! As promised (though much delayed) here is a continuation! This is going on the archives soonish but to catch-up: Emma moved to NYC and Hook is ferrying Henry back and forth on weekends. Angst ensues. 

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3   Rated T | 1.2k 

Emma checked the old clock hanging above the desk and tapped her foot.

“You got somewhere to be, Emma?” Hank, the desk sergeant, asked as he looked up from the booking paperwork.  

“Just want to get home and out of this.” She gave him a half smile and gestured to her short red dress and matching heels. The outfit was good for capturing men’s attention long enough for her to slap a pair of cuffs on them but not the most comfortable when processing the skip. She didn’t add that Henry would be getting back from his trip to Storybrooke that evening and she wanted to be home when he arrived. She had missed her son this weekend and wanted some time with him before he rushed off to school Monday morning. There was, of course, the added complication of a certain devilishly handsome pirate who would be dropping him off but Emma was doing her best to ignore that particular detail.

“Well we are almost done,” Hank said.

Emma nodded knowing that was code for at least another twenty minutes. She pulled out her phone and texted Henry.

hung up at the station. be home in forty minutes if traffic is good. tell Hook thanks.

She paused wondering if she should have Hook watch him. But Henry would be fine on his own, there was no reason for Hook to stick around and Emma didn’t want it to seem like she was desperate to see him. Because she wasn’t. In fact, it would be better to avoid him and another encounter that made her ask questions that she shouldn’t. She hit send. The little dots appeared immediately

ok we just docked can I order pizza?

sure kid. and some cheesy bread while you’re at it.

He sent back a smiley and she put the phone away. As Hank continued to shuffle, stamp, and sign papers her mind turned to Hook and if she was being honest with herself she would have admitted that she was disappointed that she would miss him. Of course, Emma was rarely honest with herself.

In the end, it took twenty-five minutes before she left the station. All the way home she fought the flutter of hope that told her Hook would still be there, that he would have insisted on waiting. She wanted to be wrong and right at the same time and her stomach churned as a result. When she got to her door she paused and listened. She heard the faint sounds of the TV next door but nothing from her apartment. She pushed away her disappointment as she opened the door. Once inside she paused to slip out of her heels and pull off her jacket.

“Henry. I’m home.”  There was no reply. She frowned and went toward his room. “Henry?”

She reached his door just as Hook came out of it. They stopped just short of colliding and Emma caught her breath. A million emotions flooded through her but she settled on the one she was comfortable with–frustration.

“Hook? What the h–“

His finger pressed against her lips and she stopped.

“He’s asleep.” Hook whispered stirring the hair near her face with his hot breath. For a moment all Emma could think of was him tapping his lips in Neverland and the overwhelming urge she had to kiss him. She stepped back and his finger fell from her lips and shot behind his ear as he glanced down. He breathed in sharply and then his eyes were traveling back up her body as he took in her dress.

“Swan.” His voice was uneven. He glanced at her lips and she licked them involuntarily.

A loud knock came from the door. Emma jumped like a guilty teenager. She spun away and for a moment she forgot how to walk. Then she was moving and pulling it open to the grinning pizza delivery guy. She didn’t know if she wanted to punch him or thank him for stopping whatever had almost happened.

As they sorted out the payment the guy smiled at her his eyes taking the same path as Hook’s but leaving her feeling completely different. He was looking at her with admiration and a hunger that made her feel like less than a person. Hook had looked at her with a reverence and awe that had made her feel more like a princess. Maybe that’s why she had been five seconds from…whatever it was.

With pizza boxes in hand, Emma closed the door and took a few seconds to center herself before turning and facing Hook.

“Emma, I–“

“It wasn’t–“

They both started and then stopped. When she didn’t start again Hook did.

“I wanted to make sure the lad was safe. He fell asleep waiting for the pizza. I deposited him in his bed.” He gestured to the door.

She nodded. “Thanks.”

She heard the TV next door, the fridge humming, and the thrum of her own heart. She refused to meet his eyes but saw the clenching of his jaw. This was ridiculous they were both adults. They should just… But Emma didn’t know how to finish the sentence, didn’t know what they should or shouldn’t do.

Hook made a sound that might have been a cough or a huff. “I guess I will leave you to your dinner.” But he didn’t make a move to leave and she realized she was blocking his exit. That he didn’t trust himself to come that close to her again, she wasn’t sure she trusted herself either. All she had to do was step aside and let him leave and then she could be alone and could push the feelings he had let loose back into the box where they belonged.  She walked into the kitchen and placed the pizza on the counter. She heard his steps heading for the door.

“Well, there is plenty of food.” She found herself saying in a far too neutral voice given the way she felt. She turned to face him “If you are hungry.” She shrugged.

His eyes studied her with a lightning speed that took her breath away. And in the silence she suddenly knew that she wanted him to stay and the intensity of the feeling scared her. His shoulders drooped slightly.

“Thank you for the offer but I should be going.” His voice gave nothing away.

“Okay.” She turned hoping he hadn’t seen her disappointment.

After a pause, he spoke. “Goodnight, Swan.”

“Night.” She replied without turning, pretending to be searching for a plate. When the door clicked shut she closed her eyes, breathed deep, and reminded herself that this is what she had wanted when she moved to New York.

This is part of my “fanfic as timed writing exercise” prompts. And I have a lot asking for this to continue so expect more of various lengths (and quality). All of these will be tagged “mutual pining canon divergence”

So its been a really hard day, week, month, basically since midterms. The past two weeks have been the worst. Last week I had play practices until 8 PM most days except I skipped on Wednesday because of a jazz competition where we got back at about 11 or so. Then on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday we had our performances. There were two on Saturday and each performance was about two hours plus another two hours for before and after stuff. In my family we aren't supposed to do homework on Sundays (its a family/church day) so I have to wait until my parents go to bed or sneak stuff down to my room to do homework. This year I'm taking 12 classes two are APs, one was a semester class so now I have a study hall. Five are music so they all sort of fit into the same period and one is a before school church class ever morning at 6:10. Its a 20 minute drive and my family reads scriptures together before my brother and I leave. My dad is a lawyer and also has a bunch of religious responsibilities and is part of a volleyball league so he's almost never home. My mom deals with five kids, her own religious responsibilities and other stuff but she does way less than I do but always seems more stressed and I don't understand. As the parent she's supposed to be calm and understanding and ask about my day. Because of everything last week I was up almost all night Sunday-Saturday but I eventually went to bed in time to get about an hour of sleep. I also tutor two hours a week. I got four hours of sleep the next night and 11 the night after that. Because I'm used to an overall average of less than 6 hours of sleep a night (including weekends) and probably way less than that for just school nights, getting more than about 7 hours of sleep gives me huge headaches. Eleven really really hurt even after ibuprofen. Today at school I only had physics, AP Stats, Spanish, and music. but in the order 1 4 2 3. Our schedule is really weird. Most days we have seven classes and our rotation schedule has 7 days meaning that we never have the same class order more often then once every seven days. I was up until about 12h30 trying to finish a take home physics test that we had all gotten a week ago but I hadn't had time to start yet because I was working on getting caught up from everything I had missed the week before. I decided to take an hour nap because I literally couldn't keep my eyes open and I had only gotten about a forth of the test done. I'll explain more later, but this teacher gives really hard tests. I was crying (which despite all the crap and pressure I'm under I hadn't done since last summer) and I almost self-harmed again so I just decided to take the nap. My alarms didn't go off until 5h30 as usual so I didn't get any more work done. I got some done from the 45 min I have before school starts after I get to the building after my church class but before classes start but I was tutoring so I gave him some busy work a and worked on physics. This class was first starting at 8 so 3 min to the bell I went up. About 15 minutes into class, I learned that most people hadn't finished the test. His tests are usually really hard to show for sure that you have mastered the material which I hadn't because I had been distracted with lack of sleep and the musical. He decided to give the class until the end of the day to pass in the tests (which was very nice, but pretty typical of this teacher). He is really positive but not annoyingly so and not in a naive way either. Just being in the classroom really helped me to calm down and relax a bit, I almost started crying again from relief (my eyes still teared up a bit) but I managed not to. I didn't really get much done and really only figured out that I really didn't know what I was doing but he said that we could come in after school at least until 4 because he was leaving at 4h30. The bell rang and I had jazz. I only play one of the three jazz songs so I did my math during the time I wasn't playing. I ran a meeting for chorale council during lunch (I'm one of the presidents) them went to math, I'd brought in a pie for homework passes two days earlier and it had been in the freezer, it was the class favorite. At his point my phone was dead because it hadn't fully charged last night. I did my Spanish worksheet during math. And quickly wrote down a speech in Spanish about how I was the best candidate for student body president. I'm also really behind in math. Once I got to Spanish, I took my speech and turned it into notes instead. My speech went pretty well. And class was fine. I went to jazz after school and that went okay. Then I went up too Dudley's room. Two of my friends were already there getting help with the test but I think they were done and were just hanging out because Dudley is so amazing and calming. Ryley and Mackenzie (they're both guys by the way) came over and talked for a few minutes while I worked on the test. Apparently I looked really tired because they started telling Dudley about how I got about 4 hours of sleep a night and how I needed to get more sleep and about how much I do. Dudley said I looked exhausted. After they left we talked a bit on and off while I worked on my test. I didn't ask for it but he asked if I wanted an extension until Tuesday, which I accepted. I worked on the test for about an hour and a half until 4-ish. He looked over my test and said that for two of the four questions I had it almost perfect and I had the right idea with the other two. He told me that I looked exhausted, to get some sleep, and to take care of myself. I love my parents and siblings and I know in my head that they love me too but they don't notice when I get an hour of sleep or when I'm upset about an assignment or test, or when I haven't showered in two weeks (yes, I know, it happens sometimes, I forget because I don't have time) they don't ask about my day, or want to do things with me, give me hugs or tough me at all usually, or help me with stuff, or talk to me, or ask about my music, or really anything. Ever day when I leave its the exact same words- Have a good day. They're like roommates that ignore me most of the time. Dudley is just a teacher, but he writes notes on his student's tests when he hands them out praising their individual strengths. He knows who my friends are and what I'm having problems with. He asks how I'm doing and I try to answer honestly because I know he cares and wants to know. Yes he is just a teacher, but he keeps things appropriate and professional while still really helping his students. Family is supposed to help you but I feel like mine holds me back, degrades, ignores me, and neglects me. I don't blame them for overlooking me, it is just a fact. My friends act like siblings should, and I feel like Dudley acts somewhat like a father and Ewing acts somewhat like a grandmother. Then my biological family gets angry when I spend so much time at school. Well that is where I get things done, that is where I feel loved, that is where people pay attention to me, and care about me. Here I just feel like my rent is overdue. They aren't bad people, just distracted.