#I'd feel bad if I didn't even do it well
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A very interesting cloud formation!
#I don't think I had ever really seen clouds like this before? it looks like a cool painting or something :0#Pulling just a few images from my cloud and sky photos folder which has like 650 pictures in it becvause I'm obsessed with the sky lol#I will usually spare everyone the cloudposting but... in some exceptions when it's really cool I must Share#(upcoming covid mention in tags for those avoiding the topic)#I WANT TO BE ON AN AIRPLANE SO SO BAD I am going to start casting evil spells to explode all these 'back to normal' bastards who are out#spreading virus and shit HHHHHH... Covid is NOT over actually contrary to popular beielf especially for people with health conditions#that make them more vulnerable or would have worse consequences if they were to catch it etc. etc. wearing a mask in public is#in MOSt cases not THAt much of a horrific terrible evil inconvenience and it helps keep everyone around you safer including these#vulnerable populations!!!! Even if I didn't have any problems myself I would STILL be masking because it's a small gesture that can make a#big difference in people around me being comfortable. It's not like people with health issues just never have to go out or go to the stor#or whatever. There are still people out there who could be helped by extra precautions that are being overlooked. grrrrr...#Like at this point since I'm vaccinated and everything I would MAYBE consider flying on an airplane IF everyone else around me#was masking and being just as careful as me. But at this point it's just the wild west and I would literally be the only one who gives#a shit or who gets tested freqeuntly before after and during traveling and wears the proper type of mask well fitting and not half off my f#ce and blah blah blah. And precautions work best when EVEYRONE is participating. There's only so much you can protext yourself if everyone#around you is doing nothing. So.. alas.. I still do not feel safe traveling. And probably won't for years until more progress is made in#terms of like understanding and treating certain long covid issues and etc. Since I think it's inevitable that if I start going out again#I would get covid. Me and my household bubble are some of the only people I know who haven't had it yet (or at least not knowingly so - if#so it was one of the asymptomatic cases etc.). So if I was GOING to get it anyway I'd at least like the assurance that whatever long term#issues I inevtabley suffer because of it will be more easily treatable at that point instead of entirely disabling even further than I'm#already disabled. etc. AAANYWAY!! all that to say. I JSUT REALLY WANT TO be on an airplane!!! I dont even like traveling and going places I#hate vacations and would rather be at home working on my projects I'm fixated on lol HOWEVER I love the view from airplane windows#like the very few times in my life Ive actually been on a plane and the window is so COLD when you lay your forehead on it and sometimes yo#even see little ice crystals and it's like you're just in a landscape of clouds with a sea of clouds above and below and aaaAAAAAA#Literally I want to get on a plane just to go up in the air and then land and fly back. I don't even want to go on a real trip. I just NEED#to see the sky I need to be IN the sky I need to have that VIEW and the cold and everything!!!! gRGGHGgg... And I will do that the entire#time. I think my longest plane ride was 7 hours and I do not watch movies. I dont text or play games. I literally do nothing to entertain#myself except stare straight out the window for 7 hours (with a few eating and bathroom breaks). not even joking lmao. It's like a trance#I LOVE the sky and clouds so much and the view you get from an airplane is like incomparable!! also I love airports with the big windows an#people watching. but mostly I just long for the sky view again. GRRR.. sobbing and yearning >:T
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random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently
#mar.txt#it's weird being aro(?) and yet also longing for a relationship. maybe its just bc almost all of my friends are in one#maybe it's bc of how easily jealous i get#maybe its the fact that i'm constantly being reminded that i am nobody's most important person. there's always someone more important.#maybe it's just the all-consuming，gaping hole of loneliness within me#idk.#i don't even know if i AM actually aro or if i'm just so demi that i may as well be aro or if ive just had so many bad experiences that it#feels impossible for me to feel romantic attraction#a few of my ocs (shara and the alatreon) are how i think i'd describe myself; aro，but willing to be in a relationship provided the other#person isn't bothered by them being aro，bc they have their own equivalent to romantic feelings#i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the#only thing life has shown me is that i very much am not loveable. all the way back in first grade ppl were already using me instead of#actually caring#'dating' me to make someone else jealous. so they could have a drug buddie. a fuck buddie. so they could try to manipulate me into things#because i was a young teenager desperate for validation and to feel like i mattered and belonged and they were nearly adults who knew they#could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting)#and doing it every time i was around my 'boyfriend' and his friends#the only two genuine relationships i had didn't last either; one lost feelings after three years and the other just sorta stopped talking to#me and iirc eventually picked up a boyfriend that was actually local instead of long distance#i am not worthy of love. i will never be loved in the way that my friends are. hell i won't ever even find a qpp(?). and that makes me sad.#to know i will always be alone. that i'm destined to die alone. but it is what it is i guess. i just wish it didn't bother me so much.#i wish i could be content in my loneliness and not be jealous of everyone around me. i wish i could accept that i will never be anybody's#most important person. that the only person i can or will ever be the most important to is myself. self love，yeah? ha.#maybe 2024 will have something in store for me. god i hope it does. but i doubt it will. more of my friends will get into relationships，#those already in them will stay in them and/or take a step forward in their relationship. and i will remain alone. just as i always have.#anyways. sorry vent over i'm just. ugh. upset today. emotions are stupid and i want a refund on them. i did not ask to be saddled with the#burden of feeling such intense，suffocating displacement and loneliness. i did not ask to feel these negative emotions so strongly.#i just want to be someone's most important person. i just want to matter.
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and if all the people who told you one day it won't hurt all the time and there will be a sunny day and you will be able to notice how beautiful it is were right. what then.
#the number of times over the last week I've nearly burst into tears because I realized I was experiencing joy untempered by sadness!#for the first time in so so long! It's over two years since I've been this at peace!#only by the grace of God am I still here at all#and I don't know I guess I just got used to being miserable but now I'm getting reacquainted with joy.#she's a good and loyal friend and I've missed her dearly.#I think the most peace I've known was on Sunday#It was the two year anniversary of the single worst day of my life#And two years out....I didn't feel like mourning. There's still a sense of loss but what God has given me instead is so much better.#I'm in such a better place mentally and emotionally and even physically with just being safe and being in school and doing well in classes#And I have friends I trust and love and who love me and a balance of work and rest that I never thought I'd have#And in class today we were talking about generalized anxiety disorder which I believe I used to have and...probably don't anymore#Like I used to spend so much time and energy just worrying and then also trying to avoid anxiety attacks and I just...don't anymore#It's been such a slow process and there are of course good and bad days and weeks but overall my brain has healed so much#and realizing that was wild#on healing
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love when u play a game and see some recurring themes in the negative reviews, then u actually play it yourself and know that people just aren't used to that kind of game or had preconceptions that just weren't correct.
#I'm playing a metroidvania that i think was tagged as souls-like too. and i see how both classifications tie into it.#and being someone who thoroughly enjoys and is used to both genres - and is coming from a ds3 replay#i picked up the parry timing IMMEDIATELY and think it's super fun.#i feel like the reviews r ppl who r used to metroidvanias wanting more healing items laying around and ppl who r used to souls games#not being used to having the platforming/traversal aspects incorporated into combat. but I'm sorta seeing#aspects from both games that I'd expect (or even want!) and idk it's just a lot of fun so far :3#i got rly sucked into playing Grime on my lunch and it's very fresh on my mind (｡ﾉω＼｡) I'm excited to play more later#regarding the lack of healing abilities or loot though like they literally DO give u healing right off the bat u just gotta learn the#parry mechanic! if u time it right u can absorb an enemy (or part of it if it's a boss) and once this meter is filled u can regen health.#so it kinda encourages u to go fight and absorb things instead of just outright killing everything w melee/projectiles#there r ppl who claim to be fans of the genres too but yeah i just do not feel the same sry to y'all.#i think part of it too is this greater issue with art where‚ in my observation‚ people don't rly like going into things w no#expectations or preconceptions. also calling things bad for not being perfect even though they never tried to be there's just a#specific story they wanted to tell or experience they wanted to share and did that well.#the latter really bugs me (´-﹏-`；) and falls under the “u can say u didn't like it without it being Bad” umbrella. like it's fine to#just Not Like Something while still acknowledging it does what it set out to do.
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I hate people with dreams because I wish I could give up mine !!
#this isnt' meant to be a deep post im just screaming into the void#im back in the city and there is just this deep sense of dread and I wish I could call my friends and talk abt it but everyone who would#understand is too busy#I have one fren who I think mite but shes busy#I have one midterm this week and im still scared of my prof even tho ik she means well and I rightfully pissed her off last last week#I want to leave the committee I work for completely#I want to leave this school completely!!#aaaaaaaaaaa#I want to go grad school#I also just look online and I wish I went to a diff school than this one#bc my family does NOT have the money for this school if Id just waited and gone somewhere else I would not be in this much DEBT#ik i was in a tough situation a few yrs ago and HAD to just pick a school + get out#but still#I think just. if my life events hadn't been so shit and bad#if I hadn't been in such a Bad place during and after the pandemic id be at a diff school#one that didn't make me feel so BAD and one that didn't put me in so much debt#some of why im pissed off and anxious is lit my fault#I burned some bridges and hurt ppl and pissed them off!!#but yn when u make a mistake and everyone around u will def define u by it#bc me rn#I just need to leave and not come back#or if I do not come back for a long time#I wish I could pack my shit and do the rest of the sem online#the only thing I'd miss is choir bc I love it#all of my friends (most of) are in choirrrr#its the way choir is the only thing that makes me feel good I hATE everything else
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HOW ARE YOU SO TALENTED
waaa THANK YOU!!! but it's a curse don't get too happy for me yet HHH xD i can't do anything BUT draw JGAJGJSG life is so hard when you can only be good at one thing LMAO
#ask#i sold my soul to get to where i am today btw that's the secret#yup. uhuh#to who? well killer and cross obviously#DUH you think this talent is cause i practice? pffff#these dorks have been living in my head rent free for so long i can't do anything BUT draw them for them to leave my thoughts#and even then that doesn't WORK!! i'm doomed for these beans sobbing crying please send help-#jk jk it's all jokes- i'm really glad you think so!! :')#BUT i really don't know if i'd wish talent upon anyone tbh HHH xD it's so tied to your identity it's insane really!#i can't think of a day where i didn't consider myself an artist- even as a kid and that's probably why i'm good? i just don't force myself#to do art or anything i just want to no matter how bad the outcome is! probably cause it's just BORING without it like FR#a world without me drawing feels empty and weird and i hate thinking about it so!!#a summary of this is just: be as stubborn as you can whenever you draw and it won't even matter to you if you're good at it!#muah muah thank you sm for the support tundra!! it's very sweet of you >:')c <3333
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AH I REMEMBERED WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY EARLIER but it's kind of stupid, lmao.
So my partner is getting into brewing beer and I got them a Tilt, which is a Bluetooth hydrometer. It measures specific gravity and temperature, which are things you want to know so that you don't kill your yeast or whatever. Except the sensor's Bluetooth range is super short, and it basically runs via a phone app, and the temperature we're logging currently is the crawlspace, accessible via the staircase closet. So they were like, wait, what do we do about this, because I can't leave my phone in the closet, that's my alarm clock.
In a kind of ridiculous turn of life imitating art, I was like, hold up, I got just the thing right at my desk. Bam. Old phone. We just needed to scrounge up a charger because the battery is so dead that after charging just enough to power on it claimed it was at 53% (to be fair to it, there is a very real chance that it's correct, and it just holds no charge at this point so the capacity is just THAT low) and now it lives in the closet logging sensor data.
And I was like, you know...didn't I just solve a major story detail with a much larger version of this...yeah, no, this is all vaguely familiar somehow, power supply issues and all. Kind of cool that the concept works though. Kind of weird that it came up at all?
We are not gonna talk about the fact that I still have at least two more ancient-ass phones in a drawer where that came from because look, man, sometimes you just need a camera/mic/mini computer with Bluetooth and wifi that fits in a pocket, and people just get rid of these things, but not me. I actually could build a shitty security system out of them if I was reaaaally inclined. I mean. I'm not. But it's technically possible.
For real though, If I pick up any stupid maker projects I still high-key am thinking about slapping Bluetooth into a necomimi headset and running that through an Arduino and learning to code just enough to let me skip songs/change the volume on Spotify with my brain, because it's entirely doable, and I mean yeah I could do that on my phone remotely too, but that's not funny, now, is it. I'm just not sure it's $350+ of parts funny. Kind of a big investment just to prove the point that haha look I am the extremely ADHD type of lazy where I would rather solve a problem via the most convoluted and complicated Rube-Goldberg type ass machine way possible rather than just perform a single simple action.
YEAH I'VE BEEN THIS SCATTERED ALL DAY AND I REALLY SHOULD GO TO BED SHOULDN'T I. I started playing Satisfactory. Mistakes were made. I'm going to dream about conveyor belts again and I did it to myself...
#you know I used to mostly blog about witchcraft and paganism#and now I'm like. you know what I want to do? chain an EEG sensor to the Spotify API and skip songs with my brain.#it's kind of like magic when you put it like that. maybe things haven't actually changed that much after all#the headset idea actually came about bc I'd gotten so far into the writing zone that I literally just. tried to skip a song with my brain.#because I had so much reploid characters on my mind that it just sounded like a normal course of action I should be able to take#obviously it didn't work and cue me sitting there for a full 3 seconds going 'why didn't it. wait. why did I think it would?'#followed immediately after by 'YEAH BUT I PROBABLY COULD DO THAT ACTUALLY'#because you just Cannot write a character like Glitch without it rubbing off on you a little bit and WWGD kicked in real hard lmao#well obviously he'd [ridiculous chain of ideas ending in 'anyway I installed some shit and now I can control Spotify with my mind']#and I gotta say I do not like the idea of sticking a sensor on the *inside* of my skull. sounds very bad.#but it doesn't have to be on the inside to work soooo there's that!#I have a friend who for quite a long time had a rare earth magnet in one finger so he could find live wires by touch#he ended up removing it for work eventually but when I say I was jelly. man. but also kinda squeamish about it.#I do not like sharp things and I am Very funny about my fingers as an artist/writer/used to be musician.#but man that sounds cool. I want the magnet senses. I don't think I want them enough to have a magnet under my skin though#I think I wouldn't use them enough for that to be helpful actually lmao#anyway do I even need more senses? probably not. mine are already unfiltered and loud as shit.#'boy I wish I could sense magnetic fields' says idiot guy who can hear the mains hum even with no electronics currently turned on#like when the power goes out I can FEEL the fucking difference in the air and it's unnaturally quiet and kinda spooky#I do not think I need help on this front actually. I think I got it handled pretty okay lol
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fell asleep at my desk (!) while in blender working on the poses i need for the edits i want to do for matthias and imani... think i might be a little too absorbed in this edit idea lads
#river dipping#stayed up all night and fell asleep in the world's most uncomfortable position for WHAT? imaginary guys in my head. pixels on my screen.#the last thing i did before falling asleep was draft a post abt how it was six am and i'd only just finished the second set of poses lmaooo#well.......... because i feel bad i didn't manage to finish doing everything i wanted all in one day i'll make up for this#by instead posting the bloody matthias pics bc i did finish that a while ago but was so focused on cas and blender i didn't post them#...also i just noticed i have messages and stuff too i'm sawrryyyy i can't even blame the avpd this time#like the delayed response is just bc i'm being flayed alive by Creative Visions while my ocs point and laugh it's embarazzing#a two sim pose ended up turning into four sims + an alt version somehow........#it sounds crazy how long this has taken me but i had to make two children then two 15-16 year olds then two 18-19 year olds in cas#and i had to fix some cc so i could use it on the kids and the teens#and then i spent at least an hour or two downloading cc for their boarding school#and i needed to find a car imani could use for the last pose that has a decent sized window in the back#like i've been all over the place !!!!!! it's like i'm possessed i have such a clear vision of these three images in my head#like i just have to see it through. the lack of sleep is definitely getting to me tho................ i should probably lay down fr soon#my brain is a prison etc. etc. etc.#i'll play catch up before i go to sleep tho bc i really have been offline all day toiling over ideas
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always a bridesmaid, never a bride
at least everyone has that instead of wondering why
cause i'm never a bridesmaid, never will be a bride
and i've sat on my floor and cried
i can't figure it out, why i'm never enough
can't walk down the aisle in white or maroon
and i can't even gather up the courage to ask the tough stuff
like why did you change your mind, why leave me on the outside, why never even tell me why?
cause i sit here thinking that i'm not enough
enough times without you changing your mind
saying that i can't walk behind you as a bridesmaid while you are a bride
and i'm not trying to damper this joyous occasion
maybe that's why I've bit my tongue and tried self persuasion
cause every single one of your friends is involved - except for me
and i can't help but drown in my misery
i feel like i failed some kind of test
cause everyone's a bridesmaid
everyone's a bride
and i'm stuck on the sidelines
wondering why
#i don't know if this poem portrays my feelings well enough#but long story short one of my best friends is getting married on Saturday and she told me that i was gonna be a bridesmaid#then when everyone got formally asked.... i didn't#and some of her other friends are doing other things like one is officiating#and i am just not even doing anything#and it really hurts#and it's like i know i shouldn't make it about me#but i literally can't even hear about the wedding without wanting to bawl. and she never told me why she changed her mind#i had to hear it from our mutual friend cause i was having a breakdown over it#cause she didn't want my mom trying to butt her head into the wedding cause my mom is known to overstep with me#but it just literally hurts so fucking bad that I'm not involved in any way#and i feel like I'd be an asshole if i say anything to her#so I've kept my mouth shut for like 2 years basically#like biting off my tongue#and i actually have tried to talk to her about it before but i always chicken out#but i felt like i needed to add some backstory to that poem in case it seemed like i was boohooing over not being a bridesmaid when there#was no indication i was gonna be one at all. like she literally asked me if i wanted to be one.#and I'm just too sensitive and i know that. and i need more friends and distance and more therapy#poem#bad poetry#poetry#writing#tumblr poetry#tumblr poet society#I've just felt like my whole life I've been an outsider and i felt a little bit included with them and this and other things happen and i#feel like I'm back at square one
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kind of wish my way of coping with morbid things wasn't to expose myself to them until I become desensitised lol
#saw an iceberg for deaths caught on camera and was like. wow there is a LOT of information to look into and take in and none of it#is going to be nice. maybe i should leave and forget I've ever seen this#but no like obviously now i have no choice but to read in depth about every single death on there#bc i know if i ignore it i'll be thinking about it for longer#this was like with threads bc when i first heard a bit about it i was like. that sounds horrible. and i have a dissertation due in a few#weeks so like. i do Not need this on my mind right now#but that didn't do anything so in the end i had to watch it to get it out of my system#and then i guess it sort of worked bc?? now me and threads are besties#fav comfort film of all time. would recommend to everyone#okay not that. but genuinely i forget how bad i felt when i first read about it and now i think about scenes from it like 😐#is that healthy. probably not. anyway#also at the start of this year i was obsessed with kaylea titford's death and then not long after that shafilea ahmed's as well#that era feels so far away even though it was only like 8 months ago#but like e.g. with the shafilea ahmed thing i'm at the stage now where if it comes into my head i can easily push it away#but i could not do that back in february i literally wouldn't be able to sleep until i'd found out every single bit of information#oh god it's nearly the 20th anniversary of that isn't it#but yeah anyway it's like once you show me something morbid. even just a glimpse of it. that's it there's no going back#i will Not Stop until i know everything there is to know about it. and then it'll be on my mind for weeks until i stop feeling anything#and then i'll forget about it#i remember as kids me and my sister would sometimes see An Image on the unfiltered 2000s internet#like that one pic of the chupacabra that's obviously not real but like as a kid it's terrifying#and my sister's response would've been to close it and never look at it or think about it again#and i remember my parents wouldn't allow me to talk about chupacabras in front of my sister#which waS SO HARD bc my response to it was to hyperfixate#and the image creeped me out so to get rid of it i would look at it like everyday until i didn't feel anything anymore#and then me and the chupacabra image were besties <3 and I'd make jokes about it#idk what the point of this post is I've basically just told the same story three times#and there will soon be a fourth. once i watch this video going through the deaths caught on camera iceberg#which i am not going to do now bc it's 00:35 and if i don't sleep now i never will#ramble
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I thought I was done being feral about Tamagotchis but no, it was just a lull
#I was already interested in getting a Gotchi for the past couple months and then KKClue dropped that video (praise be)#And Then I learned that there was a cheap way of purchasing legit Japanese Gotchis?? I may uh. Have. Purchased a few#I never really had That Moment as a kid or teen of being impulsive with money - I'd either save it up and get one big thing#Or I'd buy little things until I eventually ran out - and that habit has kinda continued into adulthood lol#Nowadays the one big thing is usually something like a new computer when my old one dies but it certainly is a big thing lol#And I like getting little things like my puzzle cubes <3 But I'm fairly miserly!#Well. Until.#I've finally hit The Phase of impulsive purchases because of a perfect storm of Things Happening lol#I first wrote down that I wanted to start looking for Tamagotchis in March of this year and I was going about it rather casually to start#Just looking around Big Box stores to check pricing - then various toy and vintage stores to see if they had stock#Most of them didn't but I did get in some delightful networking :D I want to go back and continue!#I finally broke down a week ago and checked Amazon for the ''custom'' shell designs because I like the galaxy one hehe#And then - that accursed video (affectionate)#I may have watched it five times so far lol and then actually bit the bullet and checked out the sponsor and Fucking Hell#I can never get into gambling this does absolutely wack shit to my brain it's only half about the Gotchis themselves anymore#That said I am very excited for my Mesutchi to arrive! I really want to get an Osutchi to go with her and a Gen 1 and and and#I want to collect all the Angelgotchs so bad you don't understand I Must Have them in all the colours it's very important#I'm even considering doing some kind of Project with them once they arrive I don't know it's just all so exciting#I'm feeling very normal#Oh yeah and barely related other than IRL silliness - I finally got a haircut! :D#It'll take a bit for my sona to update but it was today! All sorts of things haha
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my favourite thing abt tumblr mass-finding out about the origins of the “poor little meow meow” phrase is a couple of people in the tags, who listen to things like, i assume, punk or rap, going “oh so THIS is what people got so emotional over? wow they wouldn’t last a day over here” or “ah, this, yeah a couple of guys from our side did it too”. refreshing
#i feel like it would also benefit people to realize that like. the fact that kpop is FULL of random phrases and more and more groups promote#overseas to the point of having the hour of their comeback be convenient for the US rather than just korea... absolutely DOES NOT!!!#DOES NOT!!! mean they all speak perfect (or even reliably passable) english and are knowledgeable about the things english-speaking#internet cares about. every once in a while there's a new twt storm because some idol says or does something insensitive and hurtful to a#group of their fans and its like. well yeah it's a horrible feeling but i cannot overstate how many of these idols just Don't Know Shit#like. idk. black people. i'd say most kpop idols -- who are just some guys and not tumblr/twitter users -- associate black people with like#music artists. rappers. they're cool and they have those cool braids! i'm doing a rap song and i want to be cool like them! lemme put on#those braid extensions! yahoo! <-- everyone hated that.#this is not to say that koreans are wee little babies who shouldn't be held accountable or that they're all stupid#but even despite kpop's insane worldwide popularity i doubt any of those idols are getting worldwide-flavoured sensitivity training#they're all perfect at saying cloyingly sweet bullshit to their fans -- i will love you all for the rest of my life! bro WHO would believe#that it's so embarrassing just sing your fucking songs -- but that's it! hell the younger groups are even bad at knowing how to act in thei#OWN country; with older idols complaining that the newbies talk to them casually (not using the polite language like you should) or even#flat out ignore/don't saw hello or bow to them. twt people are like 'korea has the fastest internet in the world' aye and they use it for#games and teenage internet stuff; not educating themselves on things they know nothing about#the sermon was 100% unintelligible to myg and he just picked it because it had a Tone that must have fit the image of the song in his mind#it's like all those people getting 'chinese' tattoos that say stupid shit like pork belly or baka gaijin or a bunch of misspelled character#tilted by 90 degrees#like i myself didn't know about the cult leader until the sample drama. so#some kp/op fans are absolutely rabid though. especially on twt#shrimp thoughts
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i wish betting on wrestling was like a thing because while i would never win if i bet on anything else (am bad at recognising patterns that actually mean anything) i would cash in soooooo much because i can ALWAYS tell when a jericho feud’s gonna run way too long again 😌
#hello hi . im stressed out this fair sunday evening#feel like im failing at school already its been like a month and yet#one of my teachers v much implied i'd fail her assignment if i didnt do a bunch of extra shit and like#theres reasons for it that i can see from her side but theres also just the issue that i told her about of like#i just dont know how to work with that many materials and slash or i cant go out and buy all these things right now#and then she's like well go down to xyz and ask them to do it for you and its like honey i dont know why you think we've got such a like#mutually beneficial relationship going on between all the applied and fine arts in this school like#thats a fiction that lives in your head ... especially after we just didn't exist in this school for a whole year#and anyway. i went ahead and tried some different materials and its just like. you cant make up what an insane failure thats been#and its not that i didnt try my best its just that like idk what she wants from me#cause anyway theres a reason i picked the materials that i did the first time round#changing those just kinda changes the meaning of the thing in general... which is something SHE teaches us#anyway. and tomorrow i have class w someone who i'm Difficult with (as in like i have a hard time around her im not purposefully difficult)#(its just that she makes me feel that way cause of the 'tism and cause of the fact she thinks she knows how to handle the 'tism)#(she doesnt)#and again i did a lot of work for her im just sure she's gonna expect me to have done more#but in my defense. i need to go to the doctor and see if they can prescribe me some form of ritalin bc my exhaustion was so bad last wk#and has been bad for a hot second lately#and theres really only so much i can do with the spoons at hand#anyway. and im also Sad Right Now because ive been ignored and interrupted while saying things a little too frequently recently#and im not laughing. im having a Time.#i didnt even have that bad of a week all things considered but goddd i need a break
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Take your time as I am sure it takes a while to make your fics as amazing and magical as they are, but I’m just curious what Whouffaldi fics you are updating next?😊
I'm actually going to use this opportunity to put down a list of everything I've got going on, Whouffaldi or not, Doctor Who or not, just because I want to.
Sitting with a chapter(s) waiting
Inherited Will, Destiny of the Age, Graveyard of Ambition and Dreams
The Thick of UNIT (the chapter having been chambered in the metaphorical gun ready to go this entire time, but REASONS)
Material Written, No Chapter/Posting Yet
Basil Oswald and the Caretaker of Dragons (I’m in writer’s block for something further on than what I’m writing and until I get that done... *shakes fist*)
unnamed UNIT fic (this one is, like, nearly done, and I’m pretty excited about it)
unnamed ZoSan One Piece fic (this one is getting out of hand so idk how long this one’ll take)
a fill for Getting the Hang of Things (don’t know if almost done or halfway done)
sequel to Thousand Arc Reactor Derived Intertemporal Starship (this one is also almost done)
Back to the T.A.R.D.I.S (same problem as Caretaker of Dragons)
The Life That Never Was (same-same problem again)
Ideas That are Tempting Me
unnamed Whouffaldi piece set in my home state
unnamed ZoSan piece also set in my home state
I got a selkie!AU prompt the other day that's making my gears turn
unnamed The Thick of UNIT tie-in fic
There’s other things in there I know I’m forgetting about, but it’s a lot, as you can see. I’m actually actively writing for multiple fandoms, which is something that either works wonderfully well or... doesn’t. There’s also the bit where I still need to get back to checking my dash, because the socializing part of my brain has been so goddamn fried AND I WAS DOING SO WELL TOO but I’m just hoping that comes back soon because I feel really bad otherwise but let me tell you this has not been a good mental health year for Nehs and dipping out of social media was kind of necessary for me to stay sane.
See the smug cat? This is me. See the knife being wielded towards it? That is also me. ME @ ME
#posting fic while ignoring socials is basically how I let people know I'm still okay#in the twisted way that is anyhow#but yeah a lot's been happening lately#specifically over the past month but also the past like year and that doesn't even include the pandemic#I am rather prone to depression and honestly if I didn't have fic idk what I'd do#well fic and my bf bc yeah my friends are all on social which also makes me feel bad#so yeah#it's complicated#replies#Greyface replies
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11:45pm, sitting here with my ridiculously large tomato-mozarrella sandwich and crying to bad and crazy. I love life.
#I have to write through the night thanks to my immaculate time management skills#but i haven't eaten a lot throughout the day and I figured it would be sensible to eat something even if it's technically night#since i will be staying up for a While (probably until tomorrow night tbh ahaha)#so i took a break from 'working' and continued the rewatch and that one scene in ep 4 again made me ugly cry#which feels ridiculous when you're eating tbh#aw man#I'm too emotionally attached to this show#I'm not even kidding this is on one level with tdj and beyond evil#(well.#beyond evil is kinda unbeatable. but still it's definitely one of my absolute favorite shows now. so I'm very happy i watched this in the#first place because i wasn't sure if I'd like it and almost didn't give it a try)#sorry for rambling#i will continue working now i guess#only have 3000 words left#i can't believe I'm not even feeling stressed after procrastinating this for 4 weeks and now having to write the entire thing in one night#something really is fundamentally wrong with my brain#(or maybe i just got more chill about doing a bad job. i guess i realized it doesn't really matter anyway so why stress about it#bullshitting is fine when it doesn't affect anyone or anything but you. and i would not benefit from doing well anyway so what's the point#yeah good grades are nice but in my position ultimately meaningless since I'm not gonna get a job anyway and also won't stay in academia#for much longer. so whatever. just do whatever ahahaha)#shut up amy
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~Mi Mundo~