7 years without Lexa

alright friends

i’ve slammed back two margaritas, had some tacos, & feel mentally stable enough to talk about the con so let’s get into it

*long ass rambling under the cut

so this entire con was extremely chaotic. i’ve only been to one con before, and it was a horror con last year, and that one was an absolute shitshow. this one was significantly better, but still a hot mess. emphasis on the hot. it’s texas y’all, and it’s summer, so ya girl was sweating all day (my mood is also directly affected by the heat 🙃)

it was really hard to tell where everything was supposed to be happening, and we had to ask for directions several times

the first op we got was with hayden, and that was a MESS. they were so behind schedule with his pictures (our time was at 2pm and we didn’t even get to him until like 3:45pm) so i didn’t get to go to the daredevil born again panel. i was also super stressed and on the verge of having a panic attack that i was gonna be late for my op with charlie and jon bc that was at 5pm

luckily, we made it. ✨ hayden was so incredibly sweet, and really fucking tall, and has one of the most soothing and mesmerizing voices ever. he made direct eye contact and said hello, thanked us for coming when we left, and was smiling the entire time. he was so so so lovely

now charlie & jon’s op was super on time. their people weren’t playing any games. unfortunately though, we got put in the wrong line which fucked us over when it came time to take the picture, bc we ended up getting super rushed through it

as soon as we stepped into the booth, charlie told me to go to jon, to which i was like 🫡 yes sir. now i had told my partner that i wanted to stand in between charlie and jon (i wanted my main character moment, & he was cool with that) but since things were rushed, charlie directed him to stand next to me and then charlie stood by him. so unfortunately, i didn’t really get to interact with charlie at all, which did break my heart, not gonna lie to y’all

but that honestly was not his fault at all. the con was super packed, and i think they oversold tickets, so he was doing his best to help move things along as quickly as possible while still making sure everyone had a good experience

also i can’t even imagine the pressure they are under meeting so many people in one day, and they were probably overwhemled and exhausted themselves, but you’d never know it bc they were both so happy and excited

but, charlie did smile at me, and his smile is so much more blinding in person. i can’t confirm what he smells like, but i can confirm that he was so incredibly sweet, is way more handsome in person, is so fucking british it’s comical (experiencing that accent in person was 🫠), and i could tell he was genuinely so excited and happy to be there

now onto jonny boy. see i thought when charlie smiled at me, my soul left my body. but nope, there was still more soul to lose. jon called me mama (his exact words were, “c’mon over here mama”) and i’ll never fucking recover. i think he could tell i was overwhelmed, bc he put his arm around me, looked me right in the eye, smiled so sweetly and asked me how i was doing, to which i smiled like an idiot and said this was the best day of my life. i asked him how he was doing and he laughed (he fucking laughed y’all) and said he was doing good. he also smelled SO GOOD (exactly like what I thought he would smell like: earthy with some spice). he was so gentle and sweet. also can confirm he says y’all

the picture happened so fast, it literally felt like a split second. jon gave me a little pat on my back and smiled again and told me to have a good day, and charlie smiled at me again and said thanks for coming

i was incredibly emotionally overwhelmed when we went to pick up our picture. i was already super overstimulated, but there was also this disappointment gnawing at the pit of my stomach bc everything happened so fast, and i didn’t get a chance to say how i wanted my picture. then when i got my picture, i felt even worse bc i feel like i look so uncomfortable and frazzled

i didn’t get to take many pictures during the con at all (i think I only took 3) so i apologize for not really having more to post for y’all. the whole thing was just far more overwhelming than i anticipated

i am so sweaty and overheated, my feet are killing me, and i’m trying not to cry. i know this all sounds dramatic (i am a drama queen) but i’m trying to focus on the positives of today. i know they say don’t meet your heroes, but if your heroes are one of these three guys, definitely meet them. you won’t regret it. they are just as fucking wondeful as we think they are, if not more

i got to meet three of my favorite people in the whole world. i got to hug hayden. i got a blinding, beautiful smile from charlie. and i got an incredibly sweet interaction with jon. i may not like how i look in these pictures, but i’ll get over myself when my emotions settle, and every time i look at them in the future i’ll remember today was one of the best days of my entire life bc i met my boys 🥹

also i feel really special that jon actually smiled in this picture (he’s like straight up cheesing) bc homeboy never smiles (which, same. that’s why mine is so fucking awkward)

if you’re still reading this rant, i appreciate you listening to me ramble. thank you for being an incredible friend <3

and if you’ve been wondering what the tiny evil little demon behind the screen looks like, here ya go :)

psa i am not as tall as these pictures make me look. it’s the angle, & i am wearing boots :) ya girl is a humble 5’4 on a good day

🐉 Next Time On South Park Z 🐉

The couple of all time 💝

Here it is, the true (super belated) Valentine’s Day picture. Yet another cringe crossover absolutely nobody asked for yet I deliver because I can. Apologies if I’ve been posting way too much South Park stuff, it’s yet another franchise that I’m currently unhealthily hyper-fixated on. Enjoy some more Randy and Sharon appreciation art from me, because these two dorks are just everything to me <3

This was also made as a small tribute to Akira Toriyama, the creator of Dragon Ball after I found out that he passed away earlier this month on March 1st. Even though I’m a casual fan of the series, still makes me sad that he’s no longer and that we lost another anime/manga legend.

This whole art became a thing based on a phone call between me and one of my older brothers. We were just talking about random dumb stuff and he jokingly asked me to draw Cartman as Naruto and Kyle as Saskue (which is an art project that y’all know damn well I’ll be drawing in the future so look out for that lmao). I just started laughing to myself, but then I thought to myself, “What other anime could I cross over with South Park?” then Dragon Ball popped up in my head all of a sudden, and that’s how this cringefest came to be.

I can kinda see some connections with it, tbh. Both Goku and Randy are dumbass but funny as hell dads (they also have black hair), and both Chichi and Sharon are no-nonsense moms who are often exasperated by their hubbies’ idiotic actions, but do love them deep down and have shared some wholesome cute moments together with them. Both series also feature a lot of fighting and deaths too lol

And since it is the year of the dragon, this pic is pretty fitting :>

I thought I would take forever with this picture because a. I’m total garbage at drawing realistic-ish, non-animal guy characters, and b. I don’t draw side-view faces that much, but surprisingly it wasn’t too hard. I did get kinda lazy with the lower half of Randy’s body and didn’t draw it, but besides that, the whole art was pretty easy. Minus drawing the hands. Because Jesus tap dancing Christ, the hands took me lightyears to get right 🙃

All in all, this might be one of my favorite 2024 pieces of art I’ve drawn so far. Again, these two are special to me, and I finally got the chance to cross over some of my favorite things, cartoons and anime. Maybe I might draw Stan and Wendy as Gohan and Videl in the future as a little follow-up ^^

Also, the mental image of Randy going Super Saiyan is just the funniest shit to me, istg someone needs to make fanart, an animation, or some other sort of meme of that 💀

That’s all that I have for now. Hope you guys have a great day or night, and make sure to stay safe out there.

Farewell, Toriyama. May your memory and legacy live on 😇

Happy New Year and I hope everyone has a better year ahead! 🙆🏻‍♀️💖💖💖🌻🌻🌻🍀🍀🍀

I know this Author’s notes looks long, but please don’t panic. It’s just an update, I’m still working on Belladonna. 😊👍🏻💖🙆🏻‍♀️

This is an update to let y’all know how things been going with Belladonna’s Chapter 31. It is still unfortunately incomplete, but I promise I’m trying! 🌚🙏🏻 Still ironing out some details and Chinese New Year is coming, so spring cleaning and stuff is in order. So update is probably after February. 🌚🙏🏻 I’m very sorry. 🙃😔😭🙏🏻

These three paragraphs only regards my health in slightly more detail than the previous post, (why I haven’t been able to update) so you can just skip it if you’d like. 🙆🏻‍♀️💖 As I mentioned previously, my health has been fluctuating since June 2023, I haven’t been feeling very well so my writing took a hit (on top of writer’s block). 😩🫠 The symptoms thankfully wasn’t too serious, all things considered.🤞🏻My fatigue however was the most obvious, there was also low moods, insomnia (caused by heart palpitations) and etc. However, I’ve gotten my blood tested around November and I finally know what’s going on. So at least I now know how to reduce and regulate the symptoms, I’ve seen improvements and hopefully I’ll make a full recovery soon. 🙆🏻‍♀️💖🙏🏻

But then at the end of December, I was tested positive with covid. 🌚🌚🌚🫠🫠🫠 So my fatigue worsened. At this point it’s like a triple layered stack. First from my nightly dreams, second from the issue that started in June, then now from the covid. 🫠 I have tested negative after 6 days, but my doctor did warn me that some symptoms and inflammation will probably persist for about a month after turning negative and to not do strenuous exercises, (even something simple like brisk walk). I found out sometimes just eating a meal brings me shortness of breath and my heart rate would reach 106 or so and then I gotta lie down. Feels like my heart was copying that one meme on Facebook and saying, “If you don’t stop, I will.” 😮‍💨🌚🤣 The same goes for house chores, like changing the bedsheets. So yeah. But I’m still kicking—albeit weakly—AND my low moods had thank god not plagued me lately. 💖😮‍💨🙏🏻 Bless.

I’ll be trying to get a swing back into things while minding my energy, so my health doesn’t decide to give me a sucker punch to the gut. Or a left hook, I don’t know, it’s been years and it still likes to catch me by surprise. 🌚🤷🏻‍♀️🤞🏻 Despite the annoyances, I’m still very thankful it’s nothing too serious. At this point, I’ll just let it throw a fit wherever it wants, and then let it die down whenever, while trying to get on with my life and maintaining inner peace. 🙄😑🤦🏻‍♀️🤌🏻 I’m done trying to control it to go the way I want it to, cuz it backfired, badly. 🌚

Anyways, thank you all so much and I really really appreciate the immense patience, love and support my dear readers has shown for my stories. 💖🙆🏻‍♀️🍀 I know I haven’t been updating as much as I would have liked, nor anticipated, after I graduated from school five-years-turning-six-years ago, in fact I thought I’d be able to churn out more chapters, guess I sorely underestimated the full extent of the symptoms my health could throw at me. 🙃😔

I wish everyone good health—seriously please take good care of yourself, and may all the lovely and nice things in life, be it big or small, be enjoyed, celebrated, and appear whenever you need it. 🥰🙆🏻‍♀️🌈💖🌻🍀

The very best of luck for 2024 and the upcoming Year of the Dragon! God bless everyone! Cheers! 🎆🎇🎉🎊🐉🎊🎉🎆🎇

Until next time! 😘

Ps: My inbox told me I have a new message/submission but when I click on it, there’s nothing there. 🌚🌚🌚 If someone sent me an ask, I’m sorry but Tumblr won’t let me see it. 😭🙏🏻

I’m free😭

HELLO!💕 Just wanted to come by and tell y’all I finally finished and handed in my master’s thesis! I just have the defense left (which I’ll do soon, hopefully, but it’s not a big deal) and I'll be officially finished. I know you don’t really care but I’m excited because it was a project that took me one year and a half, I had to travel to do interviews and I did it all by myself, so I’m quite proud even if it’s probably an insignificant thing😅. I also passed my language exams and I can continue studying them very soon which is also cool because I love studying languages. 

Now to the important part: I have a difficult week because I have several doctor’s appointments and I need to get my 3rd shot of the vaccine (got covid just when I was going to get it in February so🙃) so I’ll probably be fucked up these days but anyway I’m going to try and post the next two fics for my Summer in Kattegat project! Both Hvitserk and Ivar, and I'll try to bring you another fic (which is not in the project) also with Ivar and Hvitty for next week🥰

I’m leaving again for a few weeks this month but I’ll take my laptop with me because I need it so I’ll be able to keep writing and posting! 

I hope all of you are doing okay and enjoying your holidays (if you have them, if not I hope you can have them soon😘) and your summer (or winter). Thanks for reading as always❤️

here’s Ivar looking amazing (as always lol) because it’s always nice to see 

This is an emotional ramble on why I got into tfa Blitzbee (not that any body asked me and will be leaving this post a little bit scarred- I simply think way too much about fictional men, and have to talk about them to balance my blood sugar)

I saw tfa when I was like 13 and hated it vehemently. Couldn’t wait for the next show on CartoonNetwork to come on. I saw Transformers Armada in snippets  when I was 8 and loved it. Because of Hot shot, basically... and Starscream.

Now one year ago I saw Tfa again on YouTube, after being stuck in G1 and Armada hell for trying to revisit childhood memories out of NOWHERE, and it’s now the most important piece of fiction to me on the planet. I can’t believe how much I love this show, now that I’m old as hell.

On to my point.

I have some kind of problem -that I won’t be telling my therapist about- where I HAVE to ship characters that I think are cute or cool 🙃 If I like you, you get yourself an in universe pairing. I can’t enjoy literature or media without romance or ships in it, same with real life. Obviously I don’t know why that is, or if should be worried.

Anyway, Blitzbee was an interesting case, because, while truly watching this show for the first time finally, I thought Bee was rude compared to his G1 self, and Blitzwing was just thousands of tonnes of cute, strong, extremely interesting mech.

I tend to base my ship relationships off my real life one of 13 years (so that’s how you know I’m biased and unreliable).

Big-strong looks precious with little-sassy. That’s my default, but not my only means of forming the connection between characters. Otherwise I wouldn’t indulge so deeply in Strika x Lugnut.

-Extra clarification, if I’m being confusing-

🔽🔽🔽

With the millions of exceptions I have to this default template, I should say (in my only, extremely weak defense) that it basically depends on the character I’ve found cute and cool. Like Overlord x Tarn, to give an example. They are vile, reckless, brutal, and their ship is saturated in dysfunction and animosity. Not to mention, there is no one specific cute, little baby to keep protected and loved (just kidding, it’s Tarn. He’s baby).

So the template isn’t a final thing. You don’t have to be a big bruiser with a little angel, when I’ve got equal power ships like WonderBat, JesseJames from Team Rocket, or rk1000 from DBH  in my arsenal.

And even then, like OverTarn, I subconsciously label someone as the sweetheart who needs protecting, just not in the same sense. Starscream x Windblade is a fun ship, and in that one, I think of Starscream as a needy, self conscious, broken mech who needs lots of affection.

Y’all did not ask for this, stop this, Cake.

——End clarification, back to the point——

It just so happened that Blitzwing got the role of ‘big boy is stronk and assertive’ (for reasons I’ll explain below) and I my kind, I wanted to assign him by favorite formula of a tiny sass machine to provide for.

I ignored finding him a ship for a while, and focused on the one that got me interested in Tfa suddenly in the first place- Megop. Who also fits my default template, splendidly.

I consumed more content just to see those two cuties in their natural habitats, until at last, Bumblebee wasn’t the rude bot I thought he was.

He was confident, playful, moderately easy to fluster (adorable), and compassionate ✨ He knew how to live life (I wish I did), made MANY mistakes (my favorite kind of character, because I regret everything I’ve chosen in life), and he was so happy whenever he could be with his family and just chill.

Bee was a sweetheart, I just hadn’t realized. When he told Sari to go ahead and cry all she needed and just held her in that one episode, that really did me in finally. Bee was now an awesome character, and I’d just needed to get to know him better. Which is frequently the case- I started off hating this show, after all.

Struggling with the emptiness of Blitzwing having no partner despite my insane infatuation for him (again, why does everyone need to be in a relationship, Cake? Life is fulfilling without romance. Well, I’m not going to tell my therapist still, so this is just my brain forever, I guess. Relationships or I lose interest) I was ✨immediately enlightened✨ I could see it now, I could see THE PAIRING💕 the one I’d waited a month for 🥺

But it got better, AS SOON as I’d given the thought life.

They could also actually.... ✨WORK✨

I realized they could be a sensible couple and I hadn’t just thrown them together like I had ShockBlur.

And it was literally all thanks to Blitzwing’s random, playful side I was given this little puzzle piece.

I could have my cake and eat it too (hence my name 🙃).

Blitzwing could be rough, tough, and sharp and protect his cocky, lighthearted, friendly, goofy little Autobot mate. AND he had a matching personality.

Years of war, violent, traumatic experiences had hardened him into a responsible, keen mech (in my head canon of him at least) which reminded me of my own partner in life. So another brick in the ship I was build.

BUT, Blitzwing could also be playful when his little one needed him to be. He could be reckless and daring and confident when Bee needed it, but still settle down for the day to watch him play video games and keep him cuddled in his lap.

(Obviously this is all shipping jargon, and I’m delusional, but you have to be delusional to ship characters who are unloving enemies, and canonically disgusted with each other, I guess 😭)

So, here I am projecting all my shit (these poor fictional robots) onto this amazing couple, I’ve finally met a justification to ship together (I have to have justification or I lose my freaking mind) AND THEN.

THEN Blitzwing calls Bumblebee (and Fanzone’s matching car) “Cute!” Because ‘they’re twins’.

And that’s all I needed for my formula of nonsense. Blitzbee was born, and can you guys freaking imagine what it was LIKE to enter into a fandom that was not only still alive, BUT SHIPPED the things I shipped? Like I cannot leave this place, I have never lucked out on old media still being popular, and loved enough to assign ships I genuinely care about an existence.

Am I old? Do y’all ever get this?

Anyway, I AM SHARING THIS for no other reason then I think so much about how perfect they are together, and I’m generally jarred and sad when in the show they don’t show each other the barest hint of kindness. 

But more accurately, I’m sharing this because I’m hoping someone will like read this and say in the comments wow BirthdayCake this is actually me, like these are my thoughts and feelings. You just described me, you are not alone. I literally could not believe how perfect two mechs having a similar personality type was when they were both so cute, what were the chances 🥺🥺🥺

Another part of me hopes none of you will read this, because I sound like an idiot.

So, anyways I need therapy, but I’m using cartoons instead. I’m sorry if you made it all the way to the bottom.

I was really hoping to get stuff queued before I yeeted off on adventures, but my brain has really said nope 🙃 So in lieu of that, barring the potential fff entry this Friday and/or shitposts thought up while driving, ttfn! I’ll see y’all next year <3

Dev Blog # 24

Hey party people, I think I’m ready to update y’all on what’s going on. Health tings, physical/mental/emotional lol, have made it difficult to stick to my personal schedule and I admit I’ve been getting super frustrated. Which as made me more tired and less able to concentrate. It’s a cycle and I need to break it. 

Sleep helps a bit! Keeping a bedtime also helps. Work stresses do not help.

HSDJY UPDATES/HOUSEKEEPING

Key art/game cover is still in progress, whoooo! It’s hilarious how busy me and my artist have both been so it’s like a game of message-tag 🤣 being an adult is something else. 

Beta testing is underway (and WOW am I learning a lot about how to better streamline the process for maximum benefits and the least amount of stress ☠️ *cues Live and Learn by Crush 40*). I knew going in that people were going to drop out, but I didn’t realize the sheer amount of people who could one day be game and the next be M.I.A. It’s terrifying. That being said, to the chosen few who have been active in helping me (special thanks to Wudge!! @herotome​) I’m simultaneously mad at you for making me do (simple) coding above my pay grade and eternally grateful that I have your assistance. This stage is a necessary step and I’m glad I’m taking it even if it’s painful AF and my brain is trying to tap out early.

...Future Gem, if you’re reading this, hire a damn programmer/coder. Put whatever money aside you need because if we have to do this again, you might not be making games no mo’...

Epilogues are being written and I’m being reminded that the writing is the most fun part for me, but not liking that I’ll have to edit...edit again...edit one more time???...code... and test the shits if I want y’all to play it after the events of the main game 🙃. At the time of this post, I have not touched the draft document in almost two weeks, half due to aforementioned busyness, and the other half is because Lydia’s section is giving me the most issues?? But I can’t jump to April (the only other unfinished part) until Lydia’s is done??? The issue is Lyd needs a new outline because personality and plot reasons, the current one I’ve been using as a template isn’t right.

In case you’re wondering, everyone is color coded in my document!. Ryan is blue, friendship is pinkish, Lydia’s green, Florence is red, April is orange, and Langston is purple!

YURI JAM ADVENTURES

My knee-jerk reaction is to put this under a read more, but we’re gonna ignore that. Deadlines where I don’t feel prepared make me anxious. The way I work, I need a completed script so I can start deciding what important things like 1) team solo?? or 2) recruit help?? and if so 3) can we slap together a budget (because ya girl has nothing to offer skill wise).

I want to share something tangible with y’all SO bad but all I have are like eight or nine outlines and their unfinished prologues. Fantasy, contemporary, HSDJY related, and so on. I haven’t settled on the idea that I want to see to completion and for once I don’t think it’s the perfectionist in me. Its the tired adult 

Anywho, I’m super stubborn when I want to be and a game jam is still on my 2022 goals list so I’m not giving up just yet. Will keep y’all posted. When there’s something to be posted on LOL

- Gemini 💛

P.S. to those who celebrate, Happy Father’s Day!! and to those who this time of year is super rough, I hope you have some comfort and peace today.

P.P.S. HAPPY JUNETEENTH!!! I personally will be celebrating by staying my butt at home and smiling at all the Black authored YA books I own at my big age 😊

💜Dear Bangtan and ARMY💜

 I won’t write fully today and I will come back next week with a fuller letter. Hehe it’s almost Halloween and I wanted to write more for next week. I just wanted to at least drop by to ask you how your week was? I hope you are feeling okay. 😁

  I have to catch up on a lot of things haha and I had a lot of random things happen this week that I just could not catch up lol but I will. I also like found multiple costumes and I was like taking a bunch of photos and was too into that I got sidetracked lol 😂 but I am excited for next week. 👻

  Also, to the staff member who tripped during the live lol I read from ARMY that Jin helped them up because the streams got cut off here and there. Haha but I really do hope that camera crew member is okay and having a nice day today 🤘🙂 they are a real one lol to fall down to capture the moments on live is not easy and I appreciate them.🙌

   Oh and I saw that Jin is releasing something next. I wonder if it’s an EP single or just a single because I read that Jin said single album? Hehe not sure but I am here for THE ASTRONAUT. 😭 oh I just checked after taking a break lol now I know what Jin meant by single album lol There is a couple things I wanted to talk about more but I will talk to you about it next week. 😇  But, I am glad at least that things went well with ARMY this past week and it’s nice to see that between Bangtan and ARMY even after the announcement that was posted, the connection is stronger. I saw a lot of memes and jokes and it’s nice to see ARMY can be serious yet make a situation be hopeful with jokes lol I saw a lot of memes on Jungkook flying a helicopter in the military lmaooo but I’ll stop there and I shall see y’all next week. 🤗 I shall go watch the lives and catch up on some memes lol But, I am happy that everyone had a lovely Jjyaminie Day. Lol CUTE.🥹 Please take care and eat something delicious this weekend too!

  Oh and y’all if you are looking for an animated film to watch to laugh a bit and not care about the world  lol I watched DC League of Super-Pets monday night while eating some fries and it was so cute but funny as hell. I didn’t know what to expect and I was feeling so antsy that I decided to watch something light and I just could not stop laughing at some parts. The turtle was killing me lol Merton was a major highlight in the film 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I freaking can’t with the light cursing. Homegirl was really going through half the film and like years thinking she was talking to turtles lmaooo. I fell to the ground when they finally gave her glasses lol 😂 If you can’t see without glasses don’t feel bad I mean at least you don’t go around thinking you are talking to turtles lol I also like how Batman was told time and time again by others that a Guinea pig is not a hamster  but he still proceeds to call them hamsters lol the nonsense in the film was hilarious. It’s serious yet unserious at the same time. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

   I shall go.😉 Your Jenn shall get some important business done before Halloween and before I come back to you next week. 😏 Muahahahahhahahhaha Okay. Bye bye! Also, JIMIN!!!!!!! Your birthday is special. I noticed you kept saying it isn’t lol don’t make me come over there.😂😂😂😂 You are special mi Golden Pollito.😆 I am special too. Let’s be special together, honey.  Maybe if you don’t feel alone being special you will be okay being special. Hehe 🥰Tell those doubts to go away or I’ll gladly come over and fight them lol fighting mosquitos has made me an expert at fighting the air lol 😝 I can fight thoughts too lmaoo🙃 Just kidding. or am I????? I love you Jiminie. Hahahaha I make no sense today but I’m excited! I love you everyone! PURPLE HEART. PURPLE HEART 💜💜💜💜 as Hobi would say. 😘 I’ll come back on Thursday the 27th hehe. For now I decided to do things differently this year and I will post all my behind the scenes footage videos from the Halloween sets lol so I am eating and also in costumes and explaining the characters a bit lol You will only see me in my Gandalf and Selene from Underworld muhahahaha but the rest shall wait until Thursday next week lmao I did a lot of videos so I thought why not share some so I can post more next week because I get a limit of 20 per day. But I posted 10 videos. Hehe Lolita makes an appearance in some videos too haha I call her Lu these days and she is just so CUTE.🤣 But, enjoy some “before the mayhem” videos to get you ready for Halloween and so you can have a conversation with me if you feel like listening lol I PURPLE U.😭 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

 Oh and Jin since I’m posting on Thursday next week and it is close to the Buenos Aires concert day, ahhh I am excited for you and Coldplay. Get out there Jin! Get it!!!😘 I just wanted to say also, have a safe flight baby!!! 🛫✌️😭 I wanted to say this just in case if you flight out on Thursday next week or before that day lol FIGHTING JIN!💪✨

With love,

Your Jennifer ✌️🐰

Currently Playing Final Fantasy VII - Update 1.5

July 16, 2022

We (as in, me) finally made it to disc 3!! This game feels sooo long, I have no idea why. I’m used to 40-50 hour long gameplays but this one makes me feel like I’ve been playing for years. 😅

Okay, so last time we were heading back to Junon to find the underwater reactor. I actually thought this part was really cool. I loved seeing the ocean through the clear glass/aquarium looking thing.

I also got my first GAME OVER! Why am I excited about it? I guess I shouldn’t be, but it was the first time I saw the “Game Over” screen so that was cool. I ended up dying 3x to the very tough boss, Carry Armor, but on my 4th attempt I finally got him!

Or “it”, since it’s a big machine…

Anyways, after this was a very annoying mini-game. UGH! This game and it’s mini-games!! They are not fun. 😰 I did NOT find the red submarine, but thankfully the game continued and I wasn’t stuck there trying to successfully get a mission complete.

I don’t remember what happened next, but my party must have gone back to the airship and Cid said something about going back to Rocket Town. I don’t know what happened here, but I think the Shinra people were there trying to send the huge materia into space? So we had to stop them, and somehow ended up in the space rocket… and we went into space…? But we saved the huge materia…? I don’t know y’all, I’m confused.

After that, we went to Cosmo Canyon to give Red’s grandpa the huge materia to keep safe. I had a hard time finding the Forgotten City for some reason. I finally went to the Bone City place and walked to the Forgotten City like how Aerith & Cloud did the first time. Is there a short cut to get straight to the Forgotten City?? #noidea

The bald guy made me go find a submarine so I could find the Ancient’s key. I had to go back to the underwater reactor and thankfully a submarine was just waiting there so we took it. Yay! I would have been so mad if the game had blocked me from finishing this game all because of that submarine mission.

Anyways, I found the key and the next thing I know, some big white robot looking thing is coming out of the water and about to attack Midgar??

So we fight it and I win on my first try. We do go back into Midgar which was AWESOME!! Apparently I missed a lot of items there (😭) so hopefully I can still go back to Shinra headquarters in Disc 3, but if not, then that’s okay. Maybe one day I’ll replay this game… maybe.

Even though I didn’t die, the fight with the Turks was so tough! Reno and Rude inflict MASSIVE damage! I had Regen and Barrier on my characters which helped, but sheesh! The damage was insane. Thankfully I won, but also unfortunately I didn’t know you could steal weapons/armor from them. Oops.

Oh, we also learn that Hojo is Sephiroth’s father. This whole story is kinda confusing to me, but this little part is very Star Wars. So Sephiroth is just a science experiment? I need to learn more about Jenova and what exactly she/it is.

Well, on to disc 3! Are we actually going to fight Sephiroth now?? The party has been saying they’re going to fight Sephiroth for days and we haven’t fought him once. 🙃

EEEP, I opened my Christmas gift from @timebird84​ early because it arrived early and she gave me permission to! 😆 I did leave it under the Christmas tree for a few hours to increase the suspense and to make my tree feel like it’s doing its job 😂 ...but alas...one can only wait so long!

AAAHHH what a great assortment of gifts!!! 🥰 That cute armadillo’s name is Armand now. 1) Armand is one of the main vampires from the Anne Rice series 2) There are armadillos in the 1931 Dracula movie (one person theorized that armadillos are a status symbol...aka only wealthy vampires get to have them since they’re difficult to obtain in Europe. Armadillos like to eat bugs and worms, which is helpful for ensuring that their master doesn’t wake up in a coffin full of creepy crawlies every day 😂) 3) Obvious similarity between “Armand” and “Armadillo” 😉

Omg, who knew there was a whole world of Lebkuchen out there that isn’t just the traditional 4-inch round cookie?!?! (Clearly, Germans knew 😛) I had no idea there was so much variety! I’m excited to try them all! But I’ll have to do it in moderation, which means it could be a few months until they all get eaten 😜

The cuckoo clocks, nutcrackers, and sea creature items are fantastic. I already put the magnets up on my fridge. And that’s a hardcore rubber ducky 🤘💀🤘 The first thing my spouse said upon seeing it was, “Skullduckery!” (a play on “skulduggery” 🤪)

And now to tell you the tragic story of Beanie (grab the tissues, guys). When I was a child, the local newspaper would hold this activity once a year where if you read a specific section of the newspaper every day for a week and answered some questions correctly, you’d earn an Argus Buck for each day. Then at the end, you could use those bucks to buy something at a real store! Anyway, I faithfully earned a buck each day and then my mom took me to a toy store where I could use the bucks. I chose a beautiful sand-filled crab that had a jellybean-like design on the fabric. Something like this but less realistic-looking:

Naturally, I named him Beanie. He was a great crab that I played with and treasured a lot. One day in 5th grade, I decided to bring him to class. A girl named Sabrina took quite a liking to Beanie and asked if she could take him home. I didn’t want to say yes, but she insisted that she would return him the next day. I finally relented since she wouldn’t stop asking.

The next day, I went up to her and asked her where Beanie was (y’all know where this is going 🙃). She said that she was babysitting a boy and the boy took Beanie home and she didn’t realize until it was too late. Apparently, there was no getting Beanie back after that (yes, the more likely story is she just decided to keep Beanie for herself).

I broke into tears and she apologized and I was a mess for the whole day. After that, I never let anyone “borrow” my plushies ever again.

Years ago, I came across a slap bracelet with a little crab on it at an aquarium gift shop. He kind of reminded me of Beanie, so I bought him and it slightly filled the hole in my heart (scroll back up to see him trying to be Armand’s new belt)

And now, Sonja, you’ve given me a sand crab! That’s about the same size as Beanie! And actually filled with sand (unlike Beano the slap bracelet crab)!

😭😭😭 Maybe this is everything coming full circle! Beanie’s spirit has been reincarnated in this new crab and he wants me to heal and move on 🦀💗 You could’ve chosen ANY sand creature...but you chose the crab. Surely...it means something 🥲✨

In conclusion, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE THOUGHTFUL PRESENTS @timebird84​!!! I’m so grateful to have a friend like you! 🤗😆 HAVE AN AMAZING BIRTHDAY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!!! 🥳🎂🎈🎊🎁🍰🎉

I finished the project…then I took 2 weeks off. I tried to make progress with the React Tutorial…and I did. I am not happy with where I am technically so I did not allow myself to fully break as I wanted to, but I did have balance. I did not do a single day like I wanted: wake up at 5:30 AM, workout, eat shower, start working on the tutorial at 9 AM, take breaks every hour, end work at 5 PM, do algorithms for 2 hours, do night routine at 8, be in bed for sleep at 9:30 PM. Instead, my days were mostly like this: wake up at 7:40 AM, watch YouTube videos, eat at 8:30, workout at 10, laze around the city exploring places I’ve already explored a million times, get back home around noon, laze in bed and procrastinate until 2, sit in my work chair attempting to work and hit a stride for like 2 hours, work for about 4 hours, do a half-assed night routine most nights, sleep by 11:30…sometimes as late as 1:30 AN. Do it all over the next day. Pinterest was distracting. The shaderoom was distracting. The Breakfast Club. I thought a lot about my mother and how she just has decided not to be in my life. She hasn’t reached out in over a ½ a year, and every time I do, she shows no emotion nor interest in seeing me. I thought about how my dad continues to treat me bad but EXPECTS me to just accept and forgive him every time. I got back on Bumble yesterday. I struggle with knowing if it’s time to start dating again or if it’s just another form of trying to procrastinate or find fulfillment. I’ve taken a LONG hiatus from it and have never done dating right…I kept telling myself I’ll meet them from a friend, but that has never happened and I am doing myself a disservice by just waiting. The apps are a safe level of present vs persue. I am not okay with going full in on pursuit. I still believe in a lot of traditional gender roles and believe the persuing is up to the man. I also have more standards and less tolerant of BS. I’m more confident in myself and am no longer putting men of my race on a pedestal as I have been for so long. They stopped doing so for us a long time ago and many of us are just now realizing that 🙃. 🤡🤡🤡

One thing I did accomplish during this “break” was get a job outside of my current one. Y’all know I have been in pursuit of a software engineering position at my company for a while, and becoming a data analyst, engineering Ops analyst, bootcamp student, bootcamp grad, SWE apprentice, and SWE intern were all a part of that and required a lot of hunting, applying and interviewing, so I haven’t been sitting on my hands for the past 6 years, but this is the FIRST time in 6 years I’ve received a job offer outside of my company. This was HUGE for me.

They are an extremely smaller company, like literally almost 100x, and the interview was SIGNIFICANTLY easier than any interview I have had for a SWE role. Like so easy, I felt they were desperate for people. And I am not being cocky AT ALL! I’m the 1st to tell you I’ve got a LOT to work on…My apprenticeship interview was more difficult than it. They also can only give me what I am making in base salary now. They’re not public, so the stock options might as well be Monopoly money. They treated me so well though and it felt so good to FINALLY accomplish a goal I have had for a long time. I didn’t even prep for it. In fact, I was so sure I wasn’t excited to interview yet that the initial technical exam was the first algo I had done in almost 6 months! I am still going to interview as I didn't apply any of the comp sci theory prep I have been trying to complete before taking interviews for companies I am excited for again.

It DOES feel great having a back-up though. It takes a little bit of stress off me. Am I ready to go back to work tomorrow? I don’t know. My manager also announced she’s taking the next 2 weeks off. That will be a whole month damn there with no face time with her. Whatever…

I got the offer after I volunteered to talk to college and high school students aspiring to have careers very soon. It was great to reflect on where I was at one point and where I am now. I doubted doing it at first because I knew it would take me away from my studies, but I also feel like you can’t get certain things UNTIL you give. Volunteering and doing this also felt good. A colleague I met there who was also volunteering was cute and it felt good to flirt. I was confident. It inspired me to eventually get back on the dating apps. So although it wasn’t tutorial work, it did help towards my goals I think. And people said I inspired them. It was valuable.

One other positive about this break was that I learned that rewriting my website like I want may be sooner around the corner than I thought. Despite how long this tutorial is taking it IS working and I AM learning the WHY behind things. I know it’s an awesome skill that will pay off. If I had a solid month I could maybe knock it out. That time is a luxury I am afraid to ask for at my job right now though, even if it would make me better.

Also! Another positive: my dream job hit me up! I didn’t even reach out! I’m just let down every time I have to tell them to wait because I’m not ready yet…if only I could get out of my own way.

I know for a fact that I am nervous about returning. I don’t know if I feel refreshed. I also didn’t finish the tutorial, but even if I did nothing but work these past 2 weeks, I’d be unhealthy, both mentally and physically. It felt good to workout at a gym and not an outdoor track and hit the sauna: a luxury I almost never let myself take advantage of because of the time it takes to do everything. Working out well truly takes 2 hours: 2-5 min warmup, 40 min of weights, 10-15 of cardio, 10-15 of stretching, 15-20 of sauna. Not to mention the ~hour transportation to & fro.

I know I’ll be working hard until I break again in late June for Essence Fest. Reminding myself though to take it one day at a time, don’t worry about the future, and to work hard. I’m not alone. God’s always with me.

For a second there, I almost took the new job offer since it is 100% remote. I miss New York…but I know that that’s just not the best step right now. I need to make this work. I need to stay in it instead of being so flighty.

Life in SF is getting so expensive. I haven’t been saving as much. Food is so damn expensive that I am considering going back in the office for the free lunch there! It may be a good idea too to just stretch my legs, get in a regular routine, have eyes on me which will hopefully help me focus through the day more…who knows.

I’m currently sitting in front of a lake, steps away from one of my first apartments I lived in when I moved here. I remember how naiive I was. And I am reminded of how far I have come. I am not where I want to be but I am proud and grateful for where I am. Gratitude kept coming up this break. I kept seeing it. I hope y’all stay blessed and well taken care of out there…even if the only person taking care of you IS YOU! I love you. You matter. NEVER give up on what you believe in.