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#I was never meant to be born

sp00kysk3lly · 6 months

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This is what happens when your GP/the Local Mental Health Teams refuse to help you twice in four months!!!

It’s all your fault! Am I allowed to get help now?!

Soon it will be too late and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!

#mental health #mental health awareness #all alone #blog #no one wants me #no one likes me #fake friends #fake people #mental breakdown #nervous breakdown #tired of fighting #I was never meant to be born #should have been aborted!#lonely #broken knuckles #broken hand #I don’t care anymore #I really can’t do this

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soullessjack · 6 days

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ive had a Lot of thoughts about the body horror aspects of jack but the one that sticks with me the absolute most is his blood. like when sam banishes the angels from the holding cell in 13x01. ack’s veins light up gold. his blood is physically being burned from the sigil’s banishing effects and it actually causes pain to jack.

or nick’s resurrection ritual from game night that needed jacks own blood as an ingredient—and the implication alone that any of jack’s genetic components can bring Lucifer back—when he sets a nosebleed stain of it on fire several miles away, jack can physically feel it burning in his veins again.

when jack is constantly puking blood and bleeding from his nose it’s a result of total systemic failure that he’s suffering specifically because the very cells that make up his whole body are falling apart and destroying each other, because he is something that physically should not exist.

the fact that he physically and genetically cannot be normal or separated from his other half, that any sort of ritual or magic against angels causes him physical pain, that he will always at his core be tied back to Lucifer no matter how independent he tries or wants to be, that he can’t even survive without the very part of him that is essentially seen/treated as a dormant evil rabies infection, is an Insane thing to add to a character.

#i feel like it could potentially have been meant as a parallel to sam and his demon blood arc since he and Jack have had a Lot of parallels #but it just feels more impactful with jack bc this isn’t some demonic poisoning. this isn’t something he can be purified from or cleansed of #that’s just his own actual blood that he wipes from a broken nose or a split lip #he was literally born with this shit in him man #having a normal day #cal.txt #ur never gonna guess what my web weave is about ……#spn #supernatural #jack kline #spn 14x17 #jack meta #body horror #I lose my mind about this on a very regular basis btw #this is specifically about his blood but i think the neurological aspect of angel radio ‘setting his brain on fire’ is also extremely insane #or his powers being somewhat connected to his emotions and subconscious thoughts #he is Literally such a freak of nature i want to kiss him so bad

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yellowocaballero · 9 months

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I loved NewWave and it's nominated for my top reads 2023, BUT THE JASON FICLET??? I thought it was going to be a light read but it hit me full force in the face because I didn't expect to identify so much with Jason! When I read your Jason it was like I was reading myself and I want you to know that I started reading it early at night and finished it at dawn because I constantly had to stop and cry because of how much my heart resonated with his! loved it

HI THANK YOU <3

I'm glad you identified with him! Jason is very much a character who's a little like me too. He's a born writer, and his way of using fiction to put the world in a framework that he can understand is very relatable. It leaves him a little out of touch with the reality of situations, but that's a feature and not a bug.

I can't relate as much to the racial undercurrent in the story, but I don't want to understate it. It has to suck for Jason to feel constantly compared to the blonde haired blue eyed 'perfect sidekick'. She provides something seen as valuable and ideal that Jason never could. Coming from Steph's viewpoint (and considering canon) the idea of her being unattainable perfection is deeply funny, but it's very real to Jason. Adding in Tim - who's identical to Bruce and comes from the same social strata - makes Jason feel like it's every man for himself.

That's what makes his connection with Bruce even more important, though. He's the polar opposite of Bruce in every way, but although Tim and Bruce are similar in a lot of ways, Jason and Bruce have a deep connection and understanding that Tim and Steph don't. They're both dreamers who make the world a stage, their need for justice comes from a place of great pain, and they love in quiet ways.

Jason's a special kid. Like Steph, he has so much value that he doesn't see. Unlike her, he wants more - he's hungry for it, that life with meaning and kindness. He's finally attained something good, and he's scared of losing it. He has so much to offer that he can't see, and the happiness of the story is when he's seen.

New Wave was my way of giving a character who's been routinely fucked over by canon and sidelined by fandom the spotlight. She's special and perfect and loved and recognized and important because...she's none of those things 'in real life'. I wanted to give that to her. Steph's a character I related to when I was her age, and I wanted to give that to myself too.

Jason came from a similar place. I do think canon & fanon are like...overly obsessed with him lmfao. There's a billion 'Jason joins the manor' stories and it's why I almost didn't write the story lol. But he's rarely given the chance to be a kid, one who exists in his own right - to join the Batfam out of his own choice, which is something bizarrely rare in fic. And kids like Jason are the forgotten ones, and it will always be Jason's dream to show the forgotten children that they're as much Robin as he is.

I'm glad it meant something to you ;-;. This story meant a lot to me too, which is why I can go onnnn about it lol. Thanks for reading and enjoying! <3

#tbh the only reason why the jason story was written besides my demons was the fact that #ive read a ton of jason joins the manor stories and its kinda nuts how in none of them #jason and bruce are like. friends #jason is always downright kidnapped to the manor and he's terrified of bruce until bruce Dad Proposes and theyre happy #its always 'jason realizes bruce is a good dad' and not #jason likes bruce as a person and wants to be around him and decides that this is where he wants to live his life #same on bruce's end. i never feel like there's an actual reason for why he shares his ID with a random street kid #it's always written with an element of soulmates if that makes sense #what makes jason so special? well he's jason todd the second robin #theres no actual in unverse reason why bruce picks jason #and i dont like a kid being someone you 'picked'#anyway similar to how i didnt want bruce to be a straight up father figure to steph and tim #this story was meant to show how bruce is now ready to be an actual father #and how thats shown by him forming a genuine connection born from friendship and resonance #i feel like bruce is chronically assigned Good Dad and not rly given an internal life #he wasnt ready to legitimately parent tim it was something he had to learn #idk the minute a nonPOV character is parent coded they lose all inner life and motivation #which i feel like says something about how fic writers view parents lmofa #that's another rant though #my writing #my asks

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whetstonefires · 7 months

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Hmm 18 and 29?

18) What’s one of your favorite lines you’ve written in a fic?

Oh gracious. I honestly like my own stuff quite a lot, as a rule, or I wouldn't work on it long enough to finish anything. Fortunately it says 'one of.' Asking for a very favorite always paralyzes me aslkdjadfs. This is hard.

Is the word 'line' here meant to be 'pieces of dialogue' or 'sentences' or what, do you think?

I decided to pick something from my 'Jason Todd getting parented' era and then couldn't find the time to reread the like 30k of All the Roofs of Uncertainty that involve Bruce to pick out a line, so I'm going to nominate something from the fic where Talon!Jason and the Jokester have a heart-to-heart on a roof.

Hm. It has fewer good bits than roofs, being shorter, but they're all kind of interdependent, they don't stand alone very well. Hm.

"And remember, no matter what, you still have us." Jason wasn't sure what he gave away, but there must have been some kind of surprise, or doubt, because J pulled his hand away and frowned. "What, you thought…? You're one of us. Even if you leave. We love you, JJ. That's not gonna just stop." Jason opened his mouth to say something scathing, or dismissive, or defensive, but (maybe because he hadn't quite decided what tack to take) what came out was, "Why?" To be honest, it sounded more like 'whhyyyyyy?' Half whine, half word, a long syllable dragging itself out of his throat as he tried to take it back. Jokester stared at him for a split second, his hand moving like he wanted to reach out and grab Jason again but decided not to, twitched a little like he couldn't find any words that would fit out his mouth, and said, "Because!" Jason was pretty sure he said something like "that's a stupid reason why are you so stupid all the time," but honestly he wasn't sure because his body had gone into full scale mutiny and decided that it wanted to cry.

(It's the 'that's a stupid reason why are you so stupid' bit I'm so fond of; Jokester got a lot of the series' themes put into his dialogue here and they did a lot of emotional lifting, so including that bit that made me laugh felt like it made the whole fic work better.)

29) Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic.

Oh this is fun, I have so many abandoned fics.

Ah! Here! A bit I had a lot of fun writing from near the end of a fic I abandoned at 65k because both the characterization and narrative had too many structural flaws to be worth the effort of an overhaul.

“Uh, Lan Zhan? What is this?” Lan Wangji glanced away from the growing stack of rice long enough to see Wei Ying’s baffled, nervous smile, then went back to counting and stacking. “Inadequate,” he said, and kept drawing out baskets from his qiankun bag. “Uh,” said Wei Ying, which was amusing, but not enough for Lan Wangji to let himself lose focus and lose count. Wei Ying sidled over and pried up the lid of a basket; stared at the contents. Uttered a stifled oath, stepping back and taking in the growing wall of rice. Mentally, Lan Wangji calculated. One dou of rice could make a single, small meal for the whole Burial Mounds population; to feed them all well, say four dou a day. Lan Wangji had appropriated well over a thousand dou of rice from the Lan—perhaps two weeks’ food, there. Here, a thousand dou would last nearly a year if they relied on it entirely and did not stint, which seemed unlikely—but it would not keep so long, in these conditions, probably even in a qiankun pouch, so some of it would have to be sold, so it would not go to mold and waste. A year of life. That was all he could offer. Such a paltry recompense, but at least it answered a real need, rather than offering merely what he thought should be wanted. Lan Wangji could learn. “Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying said more sharply, when he was finally done with the rice and started unloading pickles. They had collected an audience now, a dozen of the Wen grouped together in the cave mouth. This was entirely undignified, but Lan Wangji could not think of any other way it could be done. Privacy wouldn’t be appropriate either, even if it was easily obtained. “Lan Zhan, what is this?” “Rice,” said Lan Wangji. Someone laughed. Wei Ying rubbed his forehead; many hours of Wangji’s aggravation in their youth were avenged. “I can see that.” Wangji finished lining up the pickled vegetables, and handed Wei Ying the single sealed jar of ginger. Wei Ying frowned at it, a little wrinkle between his eyebrows. He was adorable. He sighed, and bent to put the pickled ginger next to the pickled cabbage. “Lan Zhan,” he said. “Really. What is this?”

Lan Wangji reached into his final pouch and pulled out the bolt of deep blue silk. He could not press it into Wei Ying’s hands; they were covered in dirt. He set it across the top of one of the stacks of rice baskets. A hush had fallen over the Wen. Wanji stepped closer to Wei Ying, and sought his eyes now that he had been evading. “Gifts,” he said, and felt that the way he said it left no question of his intent.

It was a pathetic offering—nothing compared to what would have been given if he had made a match approved by his sect and clan, what would have been brought forth to honor his bride. But it was what he had been able to bring, without that approval. A dowry he had assigned himself, as it were.

And far more valuable to Wei Ying and the people he had chosen to protect than treasures would have been.

Wei Ying’s mouth and hands worked emptily for a moment, and he made several stifled sounds, as though the silence spell had somehow been cast on him without sealing his lips shut. “You,” he managed. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, let it hiss out. Turned to their audience and pointed, jauntiness back in his motions, the slant of his eyebrows, the tilt of his head. “Okay, everybody scram.”

The Wen laughed at him, but they did go. Fourth Uncle called congratulations and someone whooped; Wei Ying rolled his eyes and shooed them off.

When he turned back to Wangji he was subdued again. His smile small and unreal. “Lan Zhan,” he said, “you can’t do this.”

“These are nothing.”

The linen and cotton, the other bolt of silk, the shirts, the little clothes for A-Yuan, he should unpack all of those as well. But he could not stop looking back at Wei Ying.

Wei Ying blew out another breath, puffing out his lips as it went this time. “Thank you for the rice,” he said, unhappily. “I—I don’t want to refuse it on behalf of everybody, and I….”

There was a struggle on his face that sent a chill through Lan Wangji. Wei Ying, trying to refuse a marriage, with a pile of a little more life lying at his feet as a bribe he could not ignore.

Could he never escape becoming his father.

“No,” Lan Wangji said sharply. “No, even if Wei Ying sends me away in disgrace, these things will stay here. It is not.” He stopped, gathered his thoughts. “I am not trying to buy you.” As though a year’s worth of rice and some decent silk could begin to add up to the value of Wei Ying.

“The disgrace is staying here!” Wei Ying said, shockingly direct. He seemed startled by it as well, as Wangji studied his face. “Lan Zhan, you don’t deserve this.”

Lan Wangji tilted his head. He could choose to agree, to say he didn’t deserve Wei Ying, never could, but wanted him anyway. He would like to see how Wei Ying responded to that—probably by recoiling, but in the way that made Wangji’s chest ache for Wei Ying rather than for himself. “You do?” He flicked his eyes the way the Wens had gone. “They do?”

“Lan Zhan. You could have anything and anyone. I can’t—tie you to a heap of corpses.” Wei Ying made a face and glanced sourly at the wall of rice again. “The rice was a good move,” he acknowledged. “I keep wanting to say something mean to make you leave, but most of them sound stupid now.”

Wei Ying should not have admitted to that tactic aloud, Lan Wangji thought to himself, but he didn’t point out the error. “Not tied to the corpses,” he said. “Tied to Wei Ying.” Oh, how he wanted to be tied to Wei Ying. Oh, how bound he was already.

Wei Ying laughed, the unpleasant sound Lan Wangji had gotten used to during the war, but without the thick layering of pride that had covered it then. “Do you really think there’s a difference?” He shook his head and spread one hand, palm up, taking in all their surroundings. “This is a place for the doomed, Lan Wangji. You don’t belong here.”

“I came here doomed, and had my life returned to me.” Lan Wangji took a step forward, pinning Wei Ying under his attention. “Wei Ying. Do not refuse me for my sake. I—”

Lan Wangji had tormented himself so selfishly over Wei Ying leaving him behind, all this time. As though following were wholly beyond his power, as though Wei Ying were the only one who could choose to alter his path—because he had been so sure his own was right, that Wei Ying must return to his side on it, or be counted lost.

His love had not been strong enough. He had not been brave enough. He had mourned their parting. A child deprived of a toy. “There will be no one else. There is nothing else for me, now.”

To give up Wei Ying, after having had him—to turn away from that whispered affection, or the consuming addiction of desire now whetted by knowledge—impossible. He wanted to say, if I was willing to make love to you within sight of your horrible blood pool in full possession of my faculties, why do you think there is anything that would turn me away now, but he did not think it would resonate with Wei Ying the way he wanted, since it admitted to the repulsiveness of the blood pool. Wei Ying had to be aware of the repulsiveness of the blood pool, but Lan Wangji could attempt to be diplomatic in his own marriage negotiations, unorthodox as they were.

Wei Ying’s face twisted, but it passed through anger into grief. “Lan Zhan,” he said, with tears in his voice though not in his eyes. “Don’t say that. Don’t tell me I’ve ruined you.”

“Not ruined.” Lan Wangji finally drew close, and for a moment it seemed Wei Ying would allow it, but then he spun and danced away sideways, in the only direction allowed by the wall of rice baskets, and was again too far away to kiss.

“I had Jiang Cheng throw me out of the Sect to avoid dragging anyone else down with me. Lan Zhan, you can’t—”

“Stupid.” Lan Wangji frowned. He supposed he should have known that was Wei Ying’s idea. Jiang Wanyin had never impressed Wangji particularly, but among the virtues he did have, courage and loyalty must surely be counted foremost, judging by what Wangji had seen in the war and particularly those three months together, searching for Wei Ying.

Left to his own devices, Sect Leader Jiang would have taken longer to disavow his head disciple, whose unorthodox cultivation he had championed on the battlefield, even if he was too politically cowed by the Jin to defend him properly, either. But Wei Ying, of course, had hastened to make himself a sacrifice.

Wei Ying snorted. “Oh, and you’re planning to bring the whole support of the Lan behind you?”

Of course, he clearly wasn’t. And if any disciple other than himself had staged such a shameless robbery, he would be a wanted criminal. But unless they expelled him, which his brother and uncle would, he felt, after the way he had parted with them, fight with all their considerable power, his affiliation with the sect would still be valuable. To all of them. “Wei Ying does not always have to be the shield. Sometimes, he should be protected also.”

“Lan Zhan.” As easily as that, Wei Ying was looking at him shattered. The vulnerability on his face hurt to witness even as Lan Wangji reveled in it. He was learning Wei Ying, how to love him for his sake, rather than for Lan Wangji’s own.

“Do you not want me?” he asked, bracing himself for an affirmative. Wei Ying might say it and lie; Wei Ying might say it and, despite everything before, actually mean it. He had had time to think, while Lan Wangji was gone.

“I don’t want your pity.” The word curdled on Wei Ying’s tongue and in the air, and his face wore an ugly look again. “We will live as we may. We have survived this long without you, Hanguang-jun, and we will live after you grow sick of the foul air and poisoned earth and leave again. This place is beyond the reach of the cultivation world, why bring it here with you?”

“Even though you do not need me,” Lan Wangji said carefully, letting the sharp edge of those words break over him like a wave because Wei Ying had admitted outright he said these things to drive people away; because declaring everyone here doomed even the little child, and then saying they would live despite him, was too much contradiction to bother with. “Do you want me?”

“If I say no will you go?”

The refusal to say it at once was an answer in itself. “If I believe you.”

Wei Ying snorted, less disgust than acknowledging Lan Wangji’s point scored. He smiled unhappily. “Lan Zhan, I’ve made my choices. I would make them again, even knowing where they’ve led me. That doesn’t mean I want to bring you down with me. You don’t owe me anything. You do realize you don’t owe me?”

Lan Wangji hesitated. It was a difficult question. He did not, precisely, feel indebted to Wei Wuxian, not the way Wei Ying meant or the way his brother had, though he was acutely aware of the gift of his life and the cost Wei Ying had borne to give it. But he did feel obligation toward him, a duty, which was a kind of owing as well. “Wei Ying deserves better,” he said. “And I owe you—courtesy, at least.”

“Courtesy,” Wei Ying echoed, abstract, scornful. His eyes flicked down, past Lan Wangji’s eyes to his mouth.

“You never answered my question,” Lan Wangji said.

“Which one? Oh. Lan Zhan. Who would ever not want you?” Wei Ying shook his head, but there was a smile there now, one that caught in the corners as though pain and fondness were the selfsame emotion.

Once again, he spoke of it like he spoke of natural law.

Lan Wangji ached. “Wei Ying.”

Wei Ying sighed, and glanced at the wall of rice, the silk. Lan Wangji’s perhaps pathetic offering of something, anything more valuable than merely himself. A little life. “I really don’t understand,” he said. “When you left, I thought—”

“You didn’t expect me to return.”

“No. I thought you’d listened.” Wei Ying shook his head. “I don’t want to—I know what they say about me, but I never wanted to…” He took a breath, and tried again. “You’re so brilliant, Hanguang-jun, so good, they named you well, and I would never want to be the reason that light was stolen from the world.”

“Already done.”

Wei Ying winced, and looked at him with his eyebrows knit, annoyed.

Lan Wangji said, “You took the light from my world when you went into the dark.”

#ask #hoc est meum #brawltogethernow #i had fun with the dialogue in that cql au #i can also see inspiration from 1) my strong feelings about Food and starvation themes #2) hearing that the stepped-up antigay censorship rules in chinese TV forbade exchanges of gifts between male characters #because that could be courting behavior #there's a cathartic bit before this where lwj robs the lan sect storehouses #and then talks to his brother and uncle about ethics and shit on the way out #i had him ask lqr if he would rather they'd never been born if it meant he kept his brother #because i think it would be cool if he wondered that #earth-3 #the untamed #ask game #writing #fanfic

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spitblaze · 1 year

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viewing god as a perfect infallible being is a very christian thing to do, I think. like maybe it was just the temple and rabbis I had but as a jew I haven't been under the impression that god was incapable of making mistakes or doing things wrong since I was like. a literal child

#spitblaze says things #maybe thats me idk!#'made in gods image' never meant 'perfect' to me #this could also be bc im transgender and every time i hear someone say 'god doesnt make mistakes' i get a little transer #(implying that it was a 'mistake' that i was born afab. as if that doesnt broaden my perspective and shape me as a person)

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transmandrake · 4 months

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Feel like face blindness is underestimated as a thing that Completely Fucks Up your ability to socialise and make friends, especially when its combined with time blindness.

Want friends but cant recognise people and have no idea when you last talked to someone?

The only way you can do that is to be in a situation where the same people show up in the same place at the same time, or/AND where said people approach you first and frequently enough to where you can figure out a way to find them that doesnt involve needing to know what they look like.

Oh, you already did that? Well now you have to actually remember they exist and contact them. Regularly. And pretend you care. You wish you did.

Even worse if you're depressed or otherwise emotionally suppressed naturally or otherwise. As a lot of autistic people are. Its not at all surprising no one makes an effort to hang out with someone who never recognises them, never contacts them, and if they do has nothing they want to say and has no response to anything you do or say, and shows no sign they even like you at all.

But people are still really cool. Wish my brain actually wanted anything to do with them sometimes. Would be nice.