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gunilslaugh · 9 months

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Treat You Right

Oh Seungmin

Summary: How could you be so blind to not see that Seungmin was the one who treated you right all this time?

WC:~1.4k

Warning:grammar

photo not mine credits to owner.

“Do I have a sign that says ‘cheat on me’ on my back?” You asked Seungmin once you returned to your shared apartment together. Seungmin and you have been friends for quite a few years now. The both of you moved in together three years ago. Over the course of those three years Seungmin has unfortunately been there to witness your heart getting broken over and over again. He’s always been the best at comforting you. He’ll hold you till your tears stop, share a tub of ice cream with you and watch whatever movie you wanted. Tells you that if you want him too he will go beat the guy into a pulp.

“No,” Seungmin answers, slightly confused.

“Then why did I get cheated on again? That’s twice in a row. There must actually be something wrong with me. Maybe I’m not a good person to be in a relationship with,” you began to ramble, sinking onto the couch. You flopped over, conveniently landing your head in Seungmin’s lap.

“What’s wrong with you is your taste in men,” Seungmin stated as he ran a hand through your hair.

“I- uh,” you weren’t expecting Seungmin to say that. “What do you mean?” You sat up from Seungmin’s lap and turned to face him.

“Have you seriously not picked up on that all the guys you date are some grade of asshole?” Seungmin points out. Were they? You took a moment to look back on your exes. Seungmin was right, all of them did turn out to be a certain degree level jerk.

“Why didn’t you stop me?” You scold him.

“I tried too, but you would insist that they weren’t actually like that. They were just a ‘little rough around the edges.’ That I shouldn’t be so quick to judge them.” he quotes your words. You went silent. How could you be so blind to all of this? It felt like you just received a very late wakeup call.

“I’m so stupid!” You groaned, falling back into Seungmin’s lap. Seungmin’s hands patted your head.

“There, there. Now do you want to rant about how horrible your ex is now or should we do that over ice cream?” He questions.

“Ice cream. Lots of ice cream,” you replied. At your words Seungmin got up and walked over to the freezer. He grabbed the tub of ice cream and two spoons then returned back to the couch. He handed you a spoon and thanked him.

“Alright, tell me all about it,” Seungmin said after removing the lid to the ice cream. Your rant over your awful cheating ex comensed.

A half tub of ice cream later you were feeling a lot better.

“Thank you Seungmin. You’re the best,” you told him after you finished your ranting.

“You know that I’m always here for you y/n,” he said as he stood up to put the ice cream away and wash the spoons. You thought about his words as he walked off to the kitchen. They were true, Seungmin was always there for you. In happy times, sad times, angry times, all of them. Seungmin always found a way to be there. Seungmin as the complete opposite of your exes. Maybe it’s time that you start seeing him in a new light.

Over the next couple of days you began to realize that maybe you had been taking the way Seungmin treated you for granted. Thanks to this new light you were able to note things that you didn’t think much of or notice before. For example, Seungmin walks on the side of the sidewalk by the street. He will switch positions with you if you were originally on the side by the street. He knows all your favorite drink orders, foods, snacks and he will buy them for you, sometimes simply just because he wants to. He always opens doors for you too. If you’re in a crowded space he keeps a hand on your lower back or arm. You’re the first person he tells all his news to, no matter how big or small it is he wants to share it with you first.

It’s been two months since you started seeing Seungmin under a new light. It’s been one week since you realized that you like him romantically. Today was your friend’s birthday and you went for a few drinks to celebrate. It’s safe to say you ended up having a little too much to drink, so you had to call Seungmin to come pick you up.

“Seungmin!” You said happily once he answered the call. “Can you come pick me up?” You asked him. Seungmin could tell by the sound of your voice that you were drunk.

“I’ll be right there. Don’t go anywhere,” he tells you.

“Ok,” you replied. Seungmin laughed at how obedient you sounded.

Seungmin arrived soon after and being the kind soul that he is he also gave your friends a ride home.

“Y/n, you hold on to that one he’s a good one,” your friend drunkenly told you as they exited the car.

“I know, I’m gonna keep him with me forever,” you proclaimed, leaning over to hug Seungmin’s arm. Seingmin knew you were drunk but your words and actions made his heart skip a beat. Thought maybe you finally realized that he has been right in front of you all along.

After dropping off your friend the two of you got back to your apartment. Seungmin helped you with your shoes. Once he got you into bed he wished you goodnight and turned to leave, but you grabbed his arm, halting him.

“You treat me better than all my exes combined, you know,” you mumbled out.

“Y/n go to sleep. We can talk in the morning,” he goes to pull your hand from his arm.

“No, no I’m serious. I don’t know how stupid I was or what rock I was living under to see that the perfect boyfriend has been right beside me,” you continued.

“You’re drunk, just go to bed,” Seungmin doesn’t want to get his hopes up.

“I’m moderately tipsy. I would say all of this sober if I had the courage,” you factually stated.

“Then tell me tomorrow when you are sober,” he told you.

“But-” you started.

“No buts. Time for bed,” he places your arm back under the cover, re-tucking you into bed. “We’ll talk in the morning,” he says before leaving you.

The morning came and your head hurt. This is why I shouldn’t drink you thought. You got out of bed walking sluggishly to the kitchen. Seungmin was already awake and making the two of you breakfast.

“I put painkillers on the table for you,” he tells you once he notices your presence.

“Thank you,” you say, walking over to the table to take them. After taking them you sat at the table. Memories of last night started filling your mind. “I don’t know how stupid I was or what rock I was living under to see that the perfect boyfriend has been right beside me,” you remembered your somewhat drunkenly confession to Seungmin. You felt flushed as your cheeks reddened with embarrassment. You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, but that’s definitely not how you wanted to tell Seungmin.

Seungmin comes over with plates in hand, setting them on the table.

“About last night,” you began to talk.

“Don’t worry about it, you were drunk,” Seungmin responds.

“No, what I said was true. I don’t know why I never noticed I had the perfect one for me right beside me all these years. You are better than all my exes combined too. Everything I said last night was true,” you admitted.

“Are you being serious right now?” Seungmin couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Why would I joke about this?” You answered.

“You have no clue how hard it was all these years for me to see you be with asshole after asshole. I wanted nothing more than to be the one to treat you right,” Seungmin reveals.

“Then do you still want to be?” You checked.

“More than anything,” he answered sincerely.

“Then be the one and let me treat you right too. I’ve realized that I’ve kinda been taking you for granted in the past,” you say.

“Doesn’t matter, as long as I get to be with you now,” Seungmin states, taking a loving hold of your hand. You smiled and scooted your chair closer, so that you could rest your head on his shoulder.

“Let’s go on a date later,” you suggested and Seungmin couldn’t be happier, neither could you.

#xdinary heroes #xdh #xdh imagines #xdh x reader #xdinary heroes imagines #xdinary heroes x reader #xh seungmin #xh o.de #oh seungmin x reader #o.de x reader #oh seungmin #o.de

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allandoflimbo · 5 months

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My second announcement is kind of longer, but here goes.

There’s been a couple of factors that’s kept me from continuing to write aside from just my time, or lack thereof, and health complications that seem to always get in the way. Not complaints but relevant factors to those waiting on updates.

1. Getting hacked twice in a row sucked ASS.

2. I’ve started to drift a bit from Bucky in general. I still love him but the lack of content of him the MCU since Endgame, or even TFATWS, has been killer. No inspiration anymore. The fandom has changed.

3. This is one that has silently bothered me the most for quite some time even though it’s been so long but it mattered to me.

Something that has also been getting in the way of me updating Take It Back 2 has been the issues I had with the first one that I never got around to fixing or acknowledging.

If you’ve read book 2 at all you might understand this a little bit better.

Granted, I was younger when I wrote the first book and i’ve grown since then, and maybe that’s why I felt the need over time to make some certain changes or explain things in the story better. Who knows. But…

* I never liked how I made it seem like the reader (Or Riley Grace, if you’ve read the OC version) was very anti money, anti having anything material. That was never my intention. And I noticed that I made her seem that way. Yes, I wanted her to be concerned that her sister was putting those things first before everything else and also concerned that something was wrong, but not that Riley/Reader was against money or life in general. She isn’t by any means frugal or cheap.

* I didn’t make it clear enough in Book 1 that there was underlying things happening to Ashlyn that was pushing her “gold digger” tendencies, or for that to appear as so, to the forefront. There was more things happening to her.

* I didn’t like how little I let it show that her and Bucky do share this love and respect that Reader, and the actual readers themselves, haven’t seen. I feel like I made Ashlyn too cold and not as much mysterious.

* I always found Bucky and Reader a bit too self centered and conceited to themselves and what they thought was an issue and making their problems seem bigger than everyone else’s. As well as making what they thought what they thought was more important than Ashlyn herself or without considering her own life and her own emotions.

* Despite Ashlyn doing what she did and behaving the way she did, something always rubbed me the wrong way about how I made the girls view her in the story. Ashlyn might not be innocent, but I did not like how I made Reader/Riley appear like she was more supported by the other girls in the story when what she had done was also not good.

* How people let what Bucky and Reader did “let it slide.”

So they were little things, but things that always bothered me and was honestly getting in the way of me continuing the sequel. It was mostly my distaste I had on the Bucky/Reader front. I wanted them to love and love deeply, but not while disregarding Ashlyn as a human being and as a woman.

So the last few weeks, i’ve gone back and i’ve corrected some major grammatical issues in the first book, but i’ve also added some sentences here and there. I’ve also added on some dialogue to correct some of the issues I had that were listed above. So I didn’t remove anything, the story is still the same, but I did add onto it.

I’m much happier with the outcome and I think it will making going forward easier for me as a story teller.

The updated one is updated on Wattpad and AO3, the Bucky/Reader version. I haven’t posted the corrected one on Tumblr yet.

#take it back #bucky fanfic

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johannesviii · 4 months

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Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2023

What a weird year for pop music, full of strange trends, confusing garbage and unexpected hits. Once again, even if the charts don’t always reflect it, music as a whole is currently very interesting to follow closely.

Disclaimers / Rules:

I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these lists. There’s songs that charted in my country way higher than they did in the US, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

No song that I already put on a previous list is elligible.

No old hit song that is re-charting due to a holiday or a trend is elligible either.

Of course there will probably be stuff in French somewhere on this post. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible.

I have sound-to-color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

A lot of bad stuff happened to me this year (several accidents in a row, and also my cat died) but some good stuff too, thank goodness. I only went to two concerts this year (Bloodywood and BMTH), but they were both absolutely amazing. Pretty sure the Bring Me The Horizon one was the best concert I ever went to, actually, and there's a lot of competition considering all the great ones I went to in 2022. I'm just sad 100 gecs had to cancel theirs, I was really looking forward to it. Oh well.

Let’s start with the good or interesting albums that came out in 2023, and oh my, that's a long list already.

Albums

Starting as usual with stuff that disappointed me: Depeche Mode's Memento Mori was... actually it was all right, but I miss the days when I could get excited about a new Depeche Mode album, I really do.

Pink Tape by Lil Uzi Vert was a giant fucking mess. There's some absolute bangers on it, and then you get to the next track and it's the worst thing you've ever heard. Which makes for an interesting listening experience, for sure, but one I'm in no hurry to repeat. At least it's never boring.

After the Magic by Parannoul isn't exactly my cup of tea, but you should definitely listen to it once, I think. It's something special. It might grow on me, though, because I only listened to it for the first time last month.

On the other hand, I listened to Scaring the hoes by Jpegmafia and Danny Brown a while ago, and while this one is definitely not my cup of tea, it's also a ton of fun and I don't feel like a single second of my time was wasted on it. You should listen to it for the samples alone, and just out of sheer curiosity if nothing else.

A kiss for the whole world by Enter Shikari is a weird beast, because the singles are absolutely incredible, but then the rest is a big pile of nothing (at least in my opinion). But the singles, man. I really don't know how to judge it as a whole, the quality is on a rollercoaster.

Kind of the same thing happened with Electric Sun by VNV Nation, one of my favorite bands of all times if not my favorite, if you recall. Some tracks completely floored me, the rest was meh. Oh well. Noire was so incredibly good that I can live with an average VNV album dropping after it.

Fanfare by Dorian Electra was full of absolute bangers but... I don't know, there's some of the madness of the previous record missing. And yes, I'm saying the album containing the minion line (you know the one) is more serious than My Agenda. Go figure. But it's still very good!

Two different friends told me to listen to 4D by Blank Banshee, so I did, obviously. Great electro album. Send tweet

I'm not entirely sure what to think of Atta by Sigur Rós. I cried several times while listening to it for the first time and it's a genuinely impressive series of tracks, but it's also so devastating I've only relistened to it twice since then.

I only discovered Svalbard a couple of years ago, and this year they dropped The weight of the mask, which might be even better than their previous album. It's mostly about depression and trying to fake normality while being depressed. Not a very pleasant topic, and yet this is full of energy and... hope? Everything sounds unbearably bright and between the screams, you feel like everything will be better eventually. Great stuff.

Speaking of depression, there's also No joy by Spanish Love Songs. If you recall their previous album was my album of the year a few lists ago. Their sound changed slightly, and at times it almost sounds like The Killers, but not in a bad way. There's a couple of tracks I don't like very much, but the writing is still on point, and some tracks are among my faves I put in the "unelligible songs" part.

Census Designated by Jane Remover, on the other hand, came out of nowhere just to kick me in the face. I don't even know what to say about that one. Go listen to it.

I found Gunship almost by accident a few months ago, and they immediately dropped a new album, called Unicorn. It's just a huge pile of great synthpop through and through - if you don't mind a couple of really stupid lines (godddd that third track is full of them). The other downside is that it's way too long (more than an hour), and if it was up to me, I'd remove at least four tracks from it. Unlike...

...10000 gecs by, who else, 100 gecs. It's less than half an hour long and it's so fun and so varied in its sounds and so stupid while still being incredibly well produced. For the longest time I couldn't decide which one of the last five albums on this list was my favorite, and then I relistened to all of them in a row and felt compelled to play this one a second time after I was done. Definitely worth the wait.

Unelligible Songs

This is kind of a non-hits rec list of sorts, but you know the drill. I also have to mention that two songs from previous lists (The Magic Key by One-T and Dernière Danse by Kyo 2003 represents) recharted this year for some unfathomable reason.

Gonna start with my fave tracks on some of the albums I already mentioned. Because why not.

The only song I consider great on the Depeche Mode album was People are good which sounds like character development considering People are people also exists

Speaking of Depeche Mode, one band arguably out-depeche-moded them this year so let me introduce you to ††† (Crosses) with Ghost ride, Invisible hand and Holier

Lil Uzi Vert is next with Suicide doors and its deranged intro immediately followed by FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR BITCH then Uzi following that by stating they're the Crow. Yes, really. Also there's Werewolf, literally a Bring Me The Horizon song with Lil Uzi Vert on it, and if I had a nickel every time that happened this year I'd have two nickels, which isn't much but-

Wait let me interrupt this list with another song called Werewolf which I've listened to WAY too much this year. It's the kind of song you listen to ironically at first but after the tenth time that happens you realise it's no longer ironic and you love it for real. Seeing Motionless In White live kinda helped, not gonna lie, but still

For Enter Shikari, we have A kiss for the whole world, Bloodshot, and especially [pls] set me on fire, which might be one of my most listened to tracks of 2023, actually

VNV Nation had Wait, Invictus, and Artifice, which are all absolute bangers in my opinion. Ronan is angry and we love to hear it

By the way this year Pink released an extremely VNV-like song called Trustfall and it's very good but also uncanny

Kylie Minogue is also doing something vaguely similar with Hold on to now but in a more mainstream normal way btw

And then for something completely different, we have Dorian Electra singing about obsessive fans on Symphony, fame on Wanna be a star, and most importantly writing anon hate and immediately deleting it on anon

Run is the first track of the Blank Banshee album I rec'd and it's only one minute long so listen to it maybe

Technically I can recommend Gold if you want some taste of the Sigur Rós album but you need to listen to the entire album to get the full crushing effect

Svalbard isn't going to lighten up the mood with How to Swim Down and Faking it

Neither is Spanish Long Songs with Clean-up crew, Marvel, Here you are and Lifers, the last one being notable for having what's possibly my fave bridge of the entire year, and all of them for being endlessly quotable. Stay alive out of spite everyone

Also not lightening up the mood is Jane Remover with Census Designated on the album also called Census Designated

But what's this? It's Gunship with a steel chair trying to punch some joy into this list with Holographic heart, Nuclear Date Night, Taste like venom and Monster in paradise!!

And the gecs with a second steel ch- wait no it's a plastic chair shaped like a frog. Anyway here's Dumbest girl alive and Hollywood baby, and both of them go wayyy harder than they have any rights to

ok that was a lot of songs already. Here's Everything goes on by Porter Robinson as a palate cleanser

Also the first reggaeton song to ever end on one of my playlists, Sci-fi by Tainy and Rauw Alejandro

Also I'm gonna put a gif here otherwise Tumblr won't let me post something with such a long uninterrupted list in it

Ok back to the list of recs

Let's get the humiliation out of the way and say that this year I listened to Raining blood but it's super emo more than I ever listened to Raining blood in all my years combined

Oh yeah and Linkin Park released some old (finished and unfinished) tracks from the Meteora era and I'm kinda pissed off cause Lost missed the year end list. Fighting myself is excellent too, and if you want a really heartwrenching unfinished track, Resolution has a giant Chester-shaped hole where its chorus should be and the lyrics make it even worse. You're welcome

Possibly the most mainstream song on this entire rec list but I'm also pissed off Bad Idea right? by Olivia Rodrigo didn't chart enough to count for my top ten hit songs

I can offer you Eat the acid by Kesha if you want an awesome but mildly disturbing listening experience

For some electro/future pop here's Head over heels by Solitary Experiments

Wait there's also Bring the noise by Neuroticfish

Over is there if you need some Chvrches doing some Chvrching

Justice for Gladiator by Jann

Pointing at Even Jesus got the blues by Gabe Lee and saying I would listen to more country if it sounded half as good as that song, not like anyone cares

Holding on to nothing by Sierra. Send tweet

Northwind + Sky-colored dream by Strawberry Hospital and Parasite Heart is just seven minutes of cool pastel screams

And for an absolute goth banger everyone collectively decided to ignore here's Train to Harlem by Korine

I can't get enough of Nosebleeder by Lil Lotus and that's probably mildly embarrassing at my age but I've decided to stay mildly embarrassing forever

kisses by Slowdive if you want vibes and vibes only

Blood and sugar by Boys Like Girls if, like me, you want something that sounds exactly like The 1975

Choose your fighter by Ava Max if you want something that sounds exactly like Barbie Girl

I really wish I could explain what my feelings are every time I listen to The King by Anjimile but the only thing I'm sure about is that I'm feeling something a LOT and that it's terrifying

On a lighter note here's Mall rat by Durry, a very upbeat pop punk song about mall goth teenagers having fun and it's extremely good, listen to it immediately if you're having a bad day

And as some of you might have expected because of that previous gif, we're gonna finish with some Bring Me The Horizon, who have joined my list of favorite bands alarmingly quickly (that new album can't drop soon enough), and let's just say LosT and especially AmEN! were some of my absolute fave non-hit songs this year. Seriously. What the fuck was that.

And now, some elligible hits that didn't make the list.

Honorable Mentions

Tiki Taka (Vacra) - Afrobeats is the best thing that happened to the charts in recent years.

Shining Light (Aime Simone) - I wish I liked that artist more.

Unholy (Sam Smith & Kim Petras) - At first I didn't like this one, and then I headcanoned Kim Petras as a girl in a confessional and Sam Smith as the priest on the other side looking concerned but also weirdly into it, and suddenly it was a really funny song.

Dance the night away (Dua Lipa) - I'm pretty sure that's the song Chained to the Rhythm by Katy Perry is talking about

Casanova (Soolking) - This is a borderline guilty pleasure, and also it sounds like Magic System. Which is a bonus, by the way.

Calm Down (Rema) - Afrobeats is the best thing that happened to the charts in recent years 2: the sequel

Rush (Ayra Starr) - Afrobeats is the best thing that happened to the charts in recent years 3: the sequel to the sequel

Strangers (Kenya Grace) - Very good low-key track to play when you're driving at night

Bloody Mary (Lady Gaga) - What can I say. It's Lady Gaga. It's good.

I remember everything (Zach Bryan) - And for "songs that would be on the list if I had good taste-"

Going going gone (Luke Combs) - The last cut from the list. Great earworm, good writing.

THE ACTUAL TOP TEN LIST

This is a very solid list, actually. All of these things are still on some of my playlists to this day.

10 - Bad Habit (Steve Lacy)

US: #39 / FR: Not on the list

This was the last cut from my 2022 top 10 and it was a painful one, so imagine my joy when I saw it was elligible for this year's list too! Welcome back, Steve Lacy, your little song is still an earworm and a half even after all this time.

9 - Cruel Summer (Taylor Swift)

US: #18 / FR: Not on the list

I have no idea how a song that rhymes "oh woah oh" with "summer" can sound so good. Well played, madam. Well played.

8 - Star Walkin' (Lil Nas X)

US: Not on the list / FR: #67

Not the best Lil Nas X song by a mile, and still quite good! It plays a lot at the gym for some reason. The hype is real, even after hearing it pretty much every hour on the hour. And despite that weird, weird line about his dad.

Very surprised it's not on the US year-end list, by the way.

7 - Vois sur ton chemin (Bennett)

US: Not on the list / FR: #69

If you're creeped out by the AI-generated kids in the music video, I think that's kind of the point, which is why I can tolerate it for once.

Anyway, this is a remix of a choir song about lost kids, originally from a retro movie called Les Choristes which came out back when I was a teenager. And now it's been turned into a somewhat creepy techno remix of itself, and you know what's bad about that? Not a single thing actually. Play it again.

6 - Fast Car (covered by Luke Combs)

US: #8 / FR: Not on the list

If you remember correctly, Fast Car was the number one song of the very first list I made in this series (1988). And since this cover is so similar to the original song, I considered making it non-elligible for this list. I counted it in the end but put it kinda low compared to the original. It's only fair.

5 - Anti-hero (Taylor Swift)

US: #4 / FR: Not on the list

I was pretty indifferent to this one at the beginning of the year, but it slowly but surely grew on me. Everything has already been said about this song. So yeah, it's very good. I like it. It's on the list.

Moving on!

4 - Substitution (Purple Disco Machine x Kungs)

US: Not on the list / FR: #56

Some songs just make you want to move every single time you hear them, without fail. The thing is, this one plays a LOT on the radio in public settings, so catch me dancing in the aisles of the local supermarket every time it's on. It's like some memetic SCP bullshit.

At this point, it should be possible to make a great playlist with all the best retro-sounding hits we got in the past five years or so - and yeah, put this one on it too, for sure.

3 - Miracle (Ellie Goulding, Calvin Harris)

US: Not on the list / FR: #51

At some point this was my number one, and can you really blame me? An Ellie Goulding song with a drop that sounds exactly like a Robert Miles track? Really?

Then I realised I loved Robert Miles' tracks because of that dreamy piano/synth melody they all have, and that this song only had a drop/musical chorus that sounded like that, so something was missing. Oh well. Still a fantastic dance track, though.

2 - Escapism (Raye)

US: #48 / FR: Not on the list

Welcome to the other side of most of The Weeknd songs, I guess, but that's also what makes this track so compelling. The intro sounds like anxiety, and even when the song gets more pleasant to listen to it just never goes completely away - just like in the lyrics, in fact. Well written, well produced, everything is on point and if I had better taste it would probably be number one on this list.

Alas, I am what I am.

1 - Just wanna rock (Lil Uzi Vert)

US: #28 / FR: Not on the list

At some point, this was the third song on the list. Why shouldn't it be? It's so brainless compared to Escapism, and laughably short compared to Miracle. It's just a fragment of a song. It sounds like the intro of a track that will never start.

It's also by far my most replayed hit song on this entire top ten list and I can't justify that in any way. So yeah, putting anything else here felt like lying to myself. The fact it never really starts also means the hype never really ends. Going "daaaaaaaaaaaamn" along with Uzi's distorted vocals is so satisfying.

I just wanna rock, man. What a vibe. See you next year!

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #flashing lights tw #eye contact tw #god that one took ages

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clusterbuck · 2 years

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If there's nothing going on you wont mind if I asked [her/him] out? Prompt. If it inspires 😊

(kiss me) beneath the milky twilight

2.3k, T, ao3 link // jealous!buck chaperones christopher's planetarium field trip

Christopher’s been talking about the field trip for months, from the moment he first heard his class would be spending the night in the planetarium. He’d marked it on the calendar in big red letters, crossing off day after day until it finally loomed at the end of the week.

It’s all Buck’s been hearing about for months. So when one of the chaperones falls ill just a couple of days before and puts the whole field trip in jeopardy, he doesn’t hesitate to volunteer.

Christopher, of course, is overjoyed, and Buck is too—until he climbs aboard a school bus bright and early on a Friday morning and folds himself into a seat, Eddie slotting in right next to him, and realises exactly what he’s gotten himself into.

The bus bench is small—built for middle schoolers, not six-foot firefighters. With the two of them together like this there’s no extra room, no air between them. They’re pressed together, knee to hip to shoulder, elbows in each other’s laps. They probably shouldn’t be two to a seat like this, but Eddie had slid in next to him without hesitation.

And that’s the problem.

Eddie’s always right next to him, always in his space without thinking twice about it. He leans across Buck to reach the window, pushing it open with with his hand on Buck’s knee and his shoulder digging into Buck’s chest. The top of his head brushes Buck’s chin, and when he sits up again he grins at Buck, easy, like there’s nothing special about any of it.

And that’s the problem.

Because Buck’s breath catches every time Eddie touches him. Buck’s heart starts racing when their shoulders brush, electricity sparks under his skin when Eddie hands him something and their fingertips touch. Buck forgets how to breathe, sometimes, when Eddie stands too close to him, and Eddie—

Well, Eddie doesn’t even seem to notice. And there’s nothing about the planetarium that should make a difference, not really, but it always feels different outside of their Buck-Eddie-Christopher bubble like this. When it’s just the three of them at the Diaz house it doesn’t matter if Buck’s heart skips a couple of beats, if he stumbles over his words or over his feet sometimes. It doesn’t matter, because at the end of the day it’s still the three of them.

But out here, out in the real world—Buck’s seen the way people look at Eddie. He can’t blame them. And he’s seen the way Eddie looks back, sometimes, thoughtful, like maybe he’s considering it.

Buck’s not sure he wants a front-row seat to this show, but the bus is already moving and it’s too late to back out now.

It starts earlier than he’d expected. They’ve just barely gotten off the bus and stowed their belongings in a storeroom, and the kids are milling around waiting for the guide who’s going to give them a tour of the exhibits.

“Hey,” someone says behind Buck, and he turns to see one of the other chaperones, a dad he vaguely recognises as belonging to one of Christopher’s friends. “Buck, right?”

“Yeah,” Buck says. “And you’re—I’m so sorry, I’m completely blanking right now.”

The dad laughs. “No worries,” he says. “I’m Matt. Jenna’s dad.”

“Of course,” Buck says. “We just saw you at Chris’s birthday.”

“Yeah,” Matt says. “Thanks for the party, by the way. I’m pretty sure Jenna ran out without saying that.”

“Yeah, this age is like that,” Buck grins, glancing around the room to find Christopher, across the way with Eddie crouched in front of him, listening intently. Christopher looks to be explaining something, complete with hand gestures that threaten to clip Eddie in the nose every few seconds, but Eddie is grinning at his son.

Matt seems to follow his gaze, then clears his throat. “Actually—there’s something I was wondering.”

“Yeah?” Buck asks, still looking at Eddie, at the intent way he focuses on Christopher and the obvious joy and pride radiating from him.

“You and Eddie,” Matt says. “Are you two—”

Buck jolts, head whipping around to face Matt. “Are we—are we what?” His voice comes out a little hoarse.

“Together?” Matt asks. “I’ve been—it’s hard to get a read on you guys. Chris is always talking about you guys like you’re family, but then sometimes he says his dad is going on dates. So I just thought—”

“No,” Buck makes himself say, even as it scrapes his throat like shards of glass on its way out. “No, it’s not like that. We’re just friends.”

Matt frowns. “Are you sure?”

Buck swallows, closes his eyes for a second and tries to school his face into a smile. “I’m sure,” he says. “Nothing going on there.”

“Okay,” Matt says. He’s quiet for another second, then—“So if there’s nothing going on, you wouldn’t mind if I asked him out? I mean—he dates men, right? I’m sure I’ve heard Chris saying that.”

Silently, Buck counts to ten in his mind, then forces out another smile. “He does, yeah. Sometimes.”

He dates men, just not Buck. It had been the final nail in the coffin of his dreams—Eddie had come out, started dipping his toes in the expanded dating pool newly available to him, and still never so much as looked in Buck’s direction.

“Okay then,” Matt says. “Well, uh—thanks, I guess. For, uh—for the information.”

“Yeah,” Buck says, his smile growing increasingly tighter. “No problem.”

Eddie finds him later, when they’re all settling into their seats for the film screening. He drops into the chair next to Buck, leaning back as far as the chair goes and tipping his head back. He’s quiet for long enough that Buck knows he’s building up to something, but he doesn’t realise what it is until Eddie opens his mouth.

“So, uh—Jenna’s dad asked me out,” he says. “Matt. He’s—” Eddie sits up and cranes his head, like he’s trying to find Matt to point him out.

“Yeah, I know Matt,” Buck says. “He works fast.”

Eddie turns to look at Buck, frowning. “What do you mean?”

Buck shrugs, as nonchalant as he knows how, and tips back in his chair. “He was asking about you earlier.”

“Asking about me how?”

“Oh, you know,” Buck says, trying to keep his voice light. “Wanted to make sure there isn’t anything between you and me. That the coast is clear.”

“Huh,” Eddie says. “What did—what did you tell him?”

“He asked you, didn’t he?” Buck says. “Did you say yes?”

“I—yeah,” Eddie says. “I mean, I didn’t really have a reason not to. At least—I don’t think I do.”

“Yeah,” Buck says. “Just like I told him.” He tries not to let the bitterness seep in, but he’s not so sure he’s successful.

Eddie shifts in his seat, turns almost all the way towards Buck and back again. He turns a third time and opens his mouth, but just then the planetarium guide stands up at the front of the room and starts telling them about the film they’re going to see.

“Buck—” Eddie tries to say when the film begins, but Buck cuts him off.

“Shh. I’m trying to watch the Big Bang.”

When the film ends Eddie turns to him again, blinking in the sudden light. “Buck—” he says, reaching for Buck’s arm. “About this Matt thing—”

Buck pulls his arm away. “What about it?”

“It’s not—I don’t have to go,” Eddie says, staring at Buck’s arm where he’s crossed it against his stomach.

“Don’t be stupid,” Buck says, forcing a laugh. “He seems nice enough. And it’s not like there’s anyone else you’re interested in, right?”

Eddie’s quiet for a long moment, his eyes still fixed on Buck’s arm, before he replies. “Right.”

Buck avoids Eddie for the rest of the evening. He busies himself helping the other chaperones set out a picnic under the stars projected onto the curved dome of the planetarium ceiling, and sits with Christopher and a few of his friends swapping constellation facts until their eyes start to droop.

The planetarium has provided air mattresses, and Buck and the other chaperones spread them out, passing out pillows and sleeping bags and making sure everyone brushes their teeth.

Finally, when he can’t put it off anymore, Buck grabs a sleeping bag for himself and heads over to an empty mattress a little ways away from the half-asleep kids. He crawls into the sleeping bag and wriggles onto his back, clasping his hands across his stomach.

It barely takes two minutes for Eddie to appear, dragging his mattress over. Buck listens to the mattress squeak as Eddie gets settled, then to the silence as Eddie tries to get his words together.

Buck’s not expecting the words Eddie ends up saying, though.

“Tell me not to go out with Matt,” Eddie says into the silence between them, hoarse and a little ragged.

“Eddie—” Buck turns his head, his breath catching when he sees the intensity in Eddie’s eyes. Eddie’s bottom lip is caught between his teeth, worrying back and forth like he does when he’s nervous about something, and Buck wants nothing more than to reach out and smooth it out with his thumb.

“I’ve been telling myself that you don’t—” Eddie starts, heaving a sigh. His eyes dart around, from Buck’s face to their sleeping bags to the constellations dancing across the ceiling. “I thought you didn’t, but then—” He meets Buck’s eyes again, drawing a shaky breath. “Tell me.”

Buck swallows. “Eddie, what are you—”

“Cards on the table,” Eddie says. “I’m just gonna—just put it out there. I don’t want to date Matt. I don’t want to date anyone. Except you.”

“But I thought—” Buck whispers. “When you came out, I thought you might—but then you—”

“I thought you might,” Eddie says. “But you never did.”

“I wanted to give you time,” Buck says. “I didn’t want to pressure you. But I wanted—I still want—”

“Tell me,” Eddie says again, reaching across the narrow gap between their mattresses. Buck reaches out, too, clasping Eddie’s hand when they meet.

“Don’t go out with Matt,” Buck murmurs. “Don’t go out with anyone. Except me.”

Eddie’s face slips into a grin. “Are you asking?”

“Maybe I’m telling,” Buck says.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, bringing their hands up and pressing his lips to their joint knuckles. “Tomorrow, when we get out here, we’re going to drop Christopher at Pepa’s and I’m going to take you on the best date of your life.”

“It will be,” Eddie says. “If it’s with you.”

Buck huffs a laugh. “But no pressure or anything.”

“Hey,” Eddie murmurs. “Come here.” He tugs on Buck’s hand, and when Buck leans forward on the sagging air mattress gravity does the rest of the work for him, propelling him down and into Eddie’s side. He lands half on top of Eddie, an arm thrown across Eddie’s chest and his head resting on Eddie’s shoulder, their faces barely heartbeats apart.

“Hi,” Buck whispers, the only warning he gives before he leans in, closes the gap, completes the circuit that’s been sparking between himself and Eddie for longer than he even knows how to count.

Eddie’s mouth is soft beneath his, pliant, opening for him the moment their lips meet. They fit together like it’s what they’d been built to do, and Eddie’s arms come up around him, cradling the back of his head and pulling him close.

Buck tries to shift closer, on top of Eddie, and the mattress below them squeaks loudly in protest.

“Okay,” Eddie says, breath already coming a little heavier. “Okay, maybe—I want to, but maybe we shouldn’t be—”

“Making out while surrounded by preteens?” Buck suggests, and Eddie snorts.

“Yeah, that,” he says, ducking his head to press a kiss to the corner of Buck’s mouth. “Especially since that includes our preteen.”

Buck’s pulse jumps at that, and he’s sure Eddie feels it but he doesn’t say anything, just keeps holding Buck close.

“If we can’t make out,” Buck eventually says, “Which, by the way, is a crying shame, I have another idea.”

“Yeah?” Eddie asks.

“Shove over a little,” Buck says, shifting until he’s on his back next to Eddie, tucked against his side. Buck’s head rest on Eddie’s shoulder, and they’re looking up at the ceiling, at the thousands of stars projected on the curving dome. “See over there?” Buck asks, pointing at a tiny constellation near the middle of the room. “That’s Sagitta. There’s a couple of different stories, but I like to think of it as Cupid’s arrow.”

“That’s fitting,” Eddie murmurs, so close to Buck his lips brush against his cheek with every syllable. “Tell me more?”

So Buck does, recounting names of constellations and the stories to go along with them at just above a whisper as kids drop off to sleep around them, conversations winding to a halt and soft snuffles filling the room. Buck starts drifting off, too, but Eddie slips a hand under Buck’s t-shirt and splays it across his stomach, and the warmth of his skin jolts him awake and makes anticipation sing under his skin.

“Hey,” Eddie whispers in his ear. “Want to go on an adventure?”

“What did you have in mind?” Buck asks.

Eddie reaches for Buck’s chin, turning Buck’s head to face him again. He leans in for a kiss, careful turning quickly to hungry as he licks into Buck’s mouth. “I bet if we explored a little we could find an empty office or a storage closet or—”

“Some other kind of room not filled with preteens?” Buck grins, and Eddie nods.

“Best idea you’ve had all night.”

#911fic #buddie fic #buddie #ask emma #tulipintulle #emma writes

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coffeelovesdramasalatte · 1 year

Text

LITA Ep. 4 Rewatch Thoughts Pt. 1

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Alright friends, we've finally made it to THEE episode! Definitely grab some water for this one, you're gonna need it.

Sang along to the intro's chorus and it's a banger as usual. The recap felt shorter this time, likely so they could get to the good stuff faster. My last post was super long so no need to go over content again here, but I'm glad they included my favorite shots of Phayu holding Rain in the recap as a little treat.

This episode opens with P'Saifah doing some accounts for the shop - always a good time to see him! I'm still so happy that he knew to call Phayu as soon as he saw Rain standing there all drenched and sad. I also love that he's already accepted Rain as Phayu's person (so cute!). Phayu says here that Rain hasn't eaten since yesterday, which implies his last meal was when they went out together. I'm not sure if there's a special meaning behind it, but it is interesting that they're having dinner together twice in a row under such different contexts. Since last time, we've learned that Phayu is emotionally invested in Rain beyond simple liking (as demonstrated by how he treated and cared for Rain during a vulnerable moment).

I continue to love how they namedrop P'Pakin without showing us who he is. I, for one, would really like to put a face to the name of the all-powerful big boss. Especially bc he's clearly a PhayuRain shipper like the rest of us (evidenced by him encouraging Phayu to bring his naughty boy to the next race). Yay P'Pakin!

Phayu's face goes through a series of microexpressions here which really cemented Boss' amazing acting skills. You can tell he considers taking Rain for all of one moment before he thinks it through and remembers that he's teaching Rain to be more responsible and that he can't distract him with illegal street racing. I picked this screenshot for the pretty lighting and the subtle furrowed-brow.

Listen, I've said this 1000 times and I'll say it a 1000 times more before this set of posts is over. NOEUL IS TOO CUTE it's not fair no one should be this adorable when eating ramen

Phayu will really take ANY excuse to touch Rain's lips, won't he. I think we're at 4 lip touches so far in the series? I'm loving the bisexual lighting in the background too. Stellar shot

Ok if Phayu is Rain's codeline senior (shoutout to @atrioofinsomniacfoxes for telling me what this means), I'm sure he already has basic info like Rain's age in his permanent memory. Which means the line about him not dating underage people was either meant to reassure the audience he's got morals (which I don't think any of us ever doubted) or so he could get Rain to admit he wanted a kiss (which is mean bc then he withholds said kiss). Rain looks so smug here though when he helpfully reminds Phayu they already kissed

This is so aesthetic to me. The light from above, the hand placement, the absolutely content look on Rain's face. All perfect. I also love how Phayu gently strokes Rain's face before moving in - again, these two do small gestures extremely well that makes the couple believable. The way Phayu has his eyes closed too makes me wonder if he actually wanted to kiss Rain here, but then decides in the end to hold back in order to not be a distraction to Rain.

I can't get over how happy Rain looks to be where he is. I'm in unanimous agreement, Rain.

But then poor bby, Phayu throws cold water in his face when he tells him Rain shouldn't come to the garage anymore. The quick mood change is masterfully sold by Noeul's brow-furrows and parted lips. I also like the frantic eye contact he makes with Phayu here.

Rain's immediate reaction to Phayu telling him not to come is that he's sorry he's annoying. That's so sad, because it sounds like someone must have told him that in the past and it must have hurt quite badly for him to think that's the reason right away.

I feel like Phayu thinks similarly, and is not a fan of Rain thinking this way because he turns his head and breaks eye contact. He only looks back when he starts explaining to Rain that no, it's not because he's annoyed or doesn't want Rain around, but it's just that he wants Rain to be more responsible. I really like how Phayu phrases things in this conversation because it shows how seriously he's taking Rain and their potential relationship. Very mature on Phayu's part.

But then he immediately follows up this decree with a headpat/caress! He wants Rain to follow through on this relationship and he's relaying that through touch!! I found it very interesting that Phayu chose to drag his fingers along Rain's face instead of his hair, which is where he usually does it.

And Rain, our impulsive and rather in-love son, immediately is like Mission Accepted ft. death-grip on Phayu number 5

I couldn't get a clear shot of it, but Phayu's fingers appeared to twitch as he was pulling away from Rain, showing his reluctance to leave. Some very subtle but masterful acting from Boss (or maybe it's just that Noeul is like a Boss hand magnet so it was just nature running its course, or maybe it's both).

Finally we get the title of the episode, which is Warm Me with Your Heart. Well, I think Rain and Phayu warm up more than just their hearts in this one, just saying...

Fruity siblings alert! P' Som is actually a good brother and upperclassman for checking in on his sister's work and her friends.

Leave him alone P' Som, he's going through Phayu-withdrawals. I really like how they styled Noeul's hair in this scene! The bangs are so pretty!

Thank you to P'Som for sharing this absolutely devastating burn. I'm going to use it on someone someday:

Also life advice I really need to take LMAO I'm so bad at waking up on time:

Wait something super yellow-blue is happening here but I'm not sure what it is... Ok so far we've had yellow blue primarily with scenes containing just Rain and Phayu in focus, but this is the first one I'm noticing where it's so apparent but Phayu isn't present. However, the blue in this scene (mostly P' Som's overshirt) is a lighter blue whereas Phayu's blue is more navy. Maybe by the end of this post series I'll have figured out what it means??

Wait the siblings do really be fruity - P' Som is wearing rainbow tie-die so true of him

I love how Rain has dropped his crush on Ple like a bag of potatoes. Boy simply does NOT care, and Sky notices within 0.2 seconds. He's a really perceptive friend for being able to tell Rain likes Phayu before Rain is willing to admit it, and that Rain's not upset over the teacher's remarks but for a different problem. He also tells Rain to look inside his heart (a.k.a. to be true to himself). Can anyone tell me what Rain's shirt says in this scene? Because now I'm seeing that it's dark blue and the text is literally right over his heart so it could be important.

Sky immediately getting goosebumps after he was sensitive to his friend PLS Sky you don't have to pretend you're not the world's second biggest softie when it comes to Rain (beaten only by Phayu).

Ok this is cool - Rain's reflecting on his feelings while staring at his reflection in the phone screen, similar to how he was reflecting while looking at the mirror in the last episode!

Then we get a montage of Rain working hard and looking rather forlorn. He does ignore Ple once more which is an indication to us that he's moved past that crush completely. I also like that they made Ple such a nice person without making her romantically like Rain. She's cool!

Also they used my single-braincell'ed other son, Sig, and his friend to show us something else yellow-blue. I can't not include this shot bc how the heck was Sig comfortably snoozing like this? I want a series about the adventures of Sig.

After we see Rain working hard but still looking at his devoid-of-messages phone, we cut to an equally forlorn-looking Phayu. The man clearly wants to message Rain but is holding himself back. insert dreamy sigh (not even from me, Phayu literally sighs so hard right here that his coworker notices)

HE SAYS YET!! Y'all I can't get over how sure Phayu was that Rain was going to be responsible and then be his

I find it interesting that everything the other person said was a problem in his relationship is what Phayu wanted Rain to say because it would have shown responsibility.

I also like that when asked if they broke up, Phayu says it's not like that before deflecting. I always found it infuriating in dramas when people are like "I'm going to straight up reject you even though I like you for your own good". Here, Phayu didn't say they would never date, or even that he doesn't like Rain. He has made his interest abundantly clear and is just waiting for Rain to mature a bit. We love healthy communication and goal setting in this house!

Ok I'm going to say it again: I LOVE Sky as Rain's BFF. He is so perceptive and nonjudgmental and a great listener and I'm so happy we got to see his story in the latter part of the show.

Oh sweetheart, do I have news for you...

Next we get cupid-Sky saying that he never meant it when he told Rain he's annoying, and that he rather likes this side of Rain. This one statement is enough to light a whole fire under Rain and our boy is back in business.

Note to self: Can get friend-counseling services from Sky for ice cream (he looks so cute here like he knows he did a good job and also he's imagining how much trouble he just sent Phayu's way)

In the next scene, we cut directly to Rain showing up at the garage all excited to work, and Phayu completely ignores him as he walks by. It must have taken every ounce of Phayu's strength to do that bc Rain is looking mighty adorable right here. Yay we see P'Aon and the other employee! I can't recall her name so I'll call her Khun Suay from now on. Neither of them want to disappoint Rain so they have to argue over who tells Rain he can't set foot in the office. Rain is undeterred though, our stubborn son. He's an engineer y'know - he can solve his own problems.

I do love all the little details they put into this show - they just told us it was super hot outside but now we see it too with Rain's sweat.

Phayu, no longer able to tolerate seeing his boy toiling outdoors, comes to check in. Rain is here to complete his original plan of attack, which is to show up in front of Phayu every day until Phayu falls in love. But now he's also fulfilling Phayu's demands of being more responsible. Good for him.

The way they filmed Phayu here is interesting, bc he's on the far end of the screen rather than the middle. It could just be for some variance in shots, but it also does make it look like he's closer to Rain's side than he physically is.

Their convo can be summed up as follows:

Phayu: Why are you here? You should be studying.

Rain: I AM studying. Here.

Phayu: You're an eyesore (you should be inside somewhere safe and cool and away from my cracking self control).

Rain: But I wanted to see YOU.

Phayu: Ok nvm forget everything I said - how much work do you have and in what ways can I help without making it obvious I'm helping?

Rain's logic >>>>>>>>>>>

Rain knows he's won ahhhh what a smug cutie!

To Rain's credit, he does get back to work as soon as Phayu leaves.

Ok we're not even halfway through this episode and I already hit the max number of images so there'll probably be three parts to this (sorry in advance but I don't think anyone's gonna complain about the copious screenshots to come of Those Scenes) (This author's note is coming after I finished all the parts - I was so wrong, there are now 5 parts and y'all can thank my lack of impulse control for that)

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

#love in the air #lita the series #lita rewatch thoughts #phayurain #bossnoeul

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fanficfish · 1 year

Text

my HSR theory about warp jumps and the timeline

crossposted from my Reddit

So I was doing some thinking recently (read: last night in bed) and...I came up with some interesting ideas. And it has to do with the warp jumps. Also, Spoilers, but that should be obvious.

We know that warp jumps are basically like going through space tunnels of sorts- you go in one end and end up somewhere else at the other. We also know the train can't jump near another planet, and I assume it works kind of like the Dinosaur Train from the show of the same name. Where you travel for a bit, but to get somewhere else you go through a tunnel.

Now for timelines.

Average stops of the Express are 7 days per destination. At the Herta Space Station, the crew arrives presumably the day the Trailblazer wakes up. Within the same day, said Trailblazer manages to make some friends, defeat a giant monster, and then get knocked out for another day. I'm guessing the Express at least sticks around, to at least help clean up a little (there's a quest where you can log photos of the Express for compensation, and since the guy put together a list of several items already I'm guessing that happens towards the end of the stay). So let's asume the 7-day stop is normal. Plus, most medical professionals don't recommend immediately setting off on adventures right after something ike the Stelleron in your chest going haywire and having a guy knock you out for safety. So let's assume they stay at the HSS for a week, at the least.

Later on, March talks about how the Trailblzer is in charge of washing the coffee cups this week. And in Belebog, interacting with the luggage outside the Overworld hotel says "as a member of the Express, you know the importance of keeping luggage safe" or whatever. You have a suspicious amount of loyalty to the Express, and I'm not entirely convinced that's just your overcreative mind (cough cough hotel devil cough cough) being creative. And surely the Express won't warp jump twice in a row, it seems like it takes a bit of prep and timing and stuff. At any rate, time has definitely passed between Belebog and the Loufu.

So here's where my theory comes in.

We know that the tunnels are not like those in the show Dinosaur Train (hey look it's a good example of something simillar alright-). The tunnels in the show have a little bit inside them, like a normal tunnel, and they're not actually instant. We've seen the inside of tunnels and the outside of long tunnels. The warp jumps can't really be like this, because it's short enough that someone sitting on a couch wouldn't have too much reason to get up. And stuff on shelves and stuff like the books in the archives or the chess table seem to only shift slightly, instead of many tremors rocking them slowly off their positions.

So the warp jump is instant. And like a quick bout of turbulence, if March falling is anything to go by. So where does the time come in, because surely they don't go on and adventure, come back, maybe sleep one night in their beds, then instantly go off for another week of adventure. That'd cause burnout. And make having decorated rooms and whatever pointless. And it's also just impractical- no time to log things, clean and sharpen weapens, etc. But it's not too long a period, because you're still considered a newbie to the crew through the Jurilo-VI stuff.

My guess is there's a day or two in between leaving a planet and finding a place to warp jump from. It's probably a huge shift of energy and sending a planet off its gravitational path is never a good idea. So the Express has to travel otu to the literal middle of nowhere to warp jump. When they exit, they're able to get a lot closer to their destination, but there's still at least a couple of hours before they actually are able to dock. It's like with space rockets and space stations iRL- before any propulsion towards Earth can happen, the vehicle has to move away from the space station so that it doesn't send the station off-course or something.

So what's the timeline?

A week at the Herta Space Station, I'd give three days at the least Half a day to a day traveling out to the warp point. They hit the ice planet maybe around a noon hour, disembark (no idea how long that takes or hwo that happens), arrive in Belebog in the afternoon, explore a bit, then go to sleep. The next day, they have the whole thing and spend the next couple of nights in the underworld hotel and defeating the Stellaron.

Within a five-day period (they stay one more night at the Overworld hotel) they're back on the Express. They presumably decide where to go next the day after they return to the Express (because Dan has his nightmare on the Express), but I imagine they have anywhere from a few days to a week before they actually get to the Loufu. (I don't know how March calmed down so fast between talking to Dan and voting though...)

So in short: the Trailblazer has been part of the Nameless for around two weeks, take or give anywhere from that to a solid month. This allows plenty of time to settle in, rest between adventures (not every planet has nice hotels to stay in I reckon), enjoy a nice breakfast with the Astral Express family and get yelled at by Pom-Pom for not eating immediately, etc. Trains also have to travel some distance- surely it's not all warp jumps and long stop periods, trains runnign passanger routes tend to run for at least a bit before stopping at a station.

and wow did not expect this to be this long and I'm sure there's more info I missed and stuff, but that's my theory. I guess what me know what ya'll think. Apologies if it sounds a bit far-winded, it's a very late hour and I am definitely not awake but I had to get it out because it felt like something discussion worthy.

#honkai #honkai star rail #star rail #theory #honkai star rail theory #HSR #HSR theory #timeline #honkai star rail timeline #late night thoughts

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fioras-resolve · 8 months

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please talk about rock paper scissors 2 and game design

okay, so Angie Nyx's Rock Paper Scissors 2 is a game i've been wanting to make since high school. functionally it's a bunch of rock paper scissors variants, but conceptually it's a lot deeper than that. see, at that point i was getting into fighting games, and i wanted to capture the dynamic of reading into your opponent without the execution or reaction barrier. i figure that since fighters already have an rps dynamic (you know, strike > throw > block > strike), i could just do a variant on rock paper scissors.

i bounced that idea around in my head for a few years, before i realized a couple weeks ago that i can just make a pdf of it. it hasn't gotten as many downloads as i'd like, and i'm realizing the unique problem of trying to make a multiplayer game as an indie dev. but it's been fun as hell playing with my friends, trying out different rulesets and seeing what works. and i'm learning a lot about game design in the process, and that's what i wanna talk about today.

Ruleset 1 -Win Condition: Win once with each throw, or three times with a single throw.

the first thing i wanna say is that rock paper scissors is kind of boring. my least favorite part of playing rps 2 is any time i have to play rps 1. what this means is that playing a completely balanced game, or even a balanced round, isn't particularly interesting gameplay. like, the start of the match, where every option is weighted equally, feels very arbitrary to play. it feels like i'm just flipping a coin and seeing what comes up. later on in the match, when there's actually some points, this ruleset becomes more interesting. it's about pursuing your own goals while preventing the opponent from pursuing theirs, and trying to catch them in that pursuit.

or, maybe not? i won this ruleset once with a random number generator. i didn't tell my opponent i was using rng, but it still calls into question whether this is really a game of skill. i think there's this common conception of competitive games as a test of who's better at the game, but what does it mean be "better" at a game like this? the conclusion i've come to is that competitive games are about outplaying your opponent, not being strictly better than them. the better player can sometimes lose, and that's often what makes a game like this exciting.

Ruleset 2 -Win Condition: Win three rounds -You can't use Rock twice in a row -You have a Gun you can use once a match, that doesn't win or lose to anything

this is an experiment in what i'll call disadvantaged state. like, if you throw rock, you can't use it again next turn. you have to use either paper or scissors, and the opponent has options for either of those. moreover, if the opponent throws scissors, there's literally nothing you can do to beat that. they actually have a completely safe choice, and safety is an important concept in this game. because if they go scissors, my only option is to throw scissors. but they can get a bit greedy and try to push an advantage, and i can try to read that option with paper, at the risk of losing to scissors. one player clearly has a leg up on the other, but both players are involved in trying to predict the other.

outside of dis/advantage, what the rock restriction does is make both players afraid to use rock. it's an innate risk, which gives people a bit more reason to use scissors. when i played with this ruleset, both of us were incentivized to use scissors, and kind of leaned on it with the knowledge that both of us would be afraid to use rock. scissors does become a safer option, and if both players are too scared it puts them in a deadlock. but, disadvantage isn't the worst thing to come out of using a throw, so eventually we did ease off.

one more thing i wanna point out here is about the gun. basically, the gun has two uses here. you can either throw it in disadvantage to get out of it free, or you can throw it in neutral to bait out a rock. i think this is just a cool game design feature, but it also does speak to the idea of safety with a kind of absolute safety. i feel distinctly vulnerable once i don't have a gun to play. it's similar to like, burst in a fighting game? it's your get-out-of-bad-situation-free card that you've gotta use sparingly. good stuff!

Ruleset 3 -Win Condition: Win three rounds -Can't use Rock twice in a row, but winning with Rock wins the match instantly -Gun puts the opponent in disadvantage

this is an interesting one, and it's a ruleset i find really compelling. rock is the ultimate risk/reward. it's both risky and safe to use scissors. now, different players will respond differently to this, but in my experience players don't tend to win the match with rock. maybe me telling you this will give you an idea if you decide to play it yourself. i'd say this is the most intellectually compelling ruleset i've made. like you'll definitely have highs and lows with this, and probably a lot of disadvantaged states that put you in a unique position.

and i will say, playing this actually gave me a bit more clarity when it comes to neutral. because pure rps is compelling at the end of the match, when it's down to the wire and both players are a single win away from victory. it stops being boring and starts being tense, because it's an explicit consequence of how both of you have played.

Ruleset 4 -Win Condition: Win 3 rounds -Winning with Scissors wins the match instantly -No Guns

i was tentative about trying this one out. i figured that it would be too arbitrary, that an rps without disadvantage wouldn't have any interesting dynamics. i was wrong, it's amazing! one match i lost immediately. one match i just kept playing playing scissors, losing to rock three times in a row, and then my opponent was like "surely she won't do it again" before picking paper and losing immediately. one match where my headmate highwind played instead of me, she realized the opponent was really relying on rock, and so decided to play paper twice in a row, which worked. she then went scissors and won. it was pure chaos, and we embraced that chaos.

what this really did for me was prove that what makes rps 2 good isn't just the dynamic created by disadvantage. the problem with rock paper scissors isn't the dynamic of three options vs. three options, it's that there's no meaning to any of these options. rock paper scissors 2 works because every throw has a distinct meaning. different throws will mean playing it safe, or going for a read, or trying to get out of a bad situation. it's this meaning that gives you the sense that you outplayed your opponent, even in a game where skill is a nebulous concept. fighting games work because they aren't just rock paper scissors, because every option has a different purpose and meaning. and when it is a 50/50, when it is just a game of rock paper scissors, it's a result of everything that happened before. i look forward to seeing what else i learn from this game, and i hope you try it to get something out of it.

#game design #gamedev #game theory #fighting games

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bagog · 3 months

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Coloring In the Lines

When Carter got home, Emily had been at the kitchen table writing in her journal for the morning.

“Hey, good morning,” he greeted her, squeezing her shoulder as he rushed past her to throw his coat over the couch, then hurried back.

“Where’d you go this morning? You were gone by the time I got up.” Emily replaced the ribbon marker in her journal and closed it, leaning back in her chair.

He held up a thin plastic bag, the contents inside clinked together dully. “I remember you saying the other day that you missed painting your nails, so I swung by the drug store and picked up a couple.”

Emily laughed, gave her partner a suspicious smile. “When I said that I was wishing I was seventeen again, you know, the age I was when I last painted my nails?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know you then.” Carter sat down at the table, began pulling tiny colored bottles from his bag and putting them on the table, labels facing Emily. “It’ll be fun, it’ll be like getting to know each other before we knew who we were as people.”

“I can’t even hold the little brush, I bet,” Emily sighed, she held out her hand, which tremored above the kitchen table.

“That’s why I’m going to paint your nails,” Carter removed the last bottle and pushed the row of them closer to Emily. “And you can paint mine.”

“Then your nails will look like shit,” she scoffed.

“I bet it’ll be easier for you to do my nails than doing your own, don’t worry. Now, you should start and teach me what to do. What color do you think would look good on me?” He held out his hands splayed as if getting a good look at them would give Emily a clue as to which of the seven colors he had picked.

She finally chose a rosy metallic color for him—a color called DEMIURGE—and unscrewed the top with nervous care.

“We should trim your cuticles first, really…” she had paused with the tip of the brush about to touch Carter’s first nail.

“Nah,” Carter waggled his fingers eagerly. “The nicer the canvas, the worse you’ll feel if you smudge it or something.” Emily didn’t argue with that. She took a breath, held it, applied three slow flicks with the brush. “There! Good start!”

“It’ll clean-up with the second coat,” Emily defended herself quickly, too able to notice the tiny stroke marks in the color. It took her nearly twice as long as it would’ve taken her to do herself as a girl, but in a little while, Carter’s fingers were tipped with DEMIURGE pink. “The metallic is pretty forgiving,” she mumbled, surveying the final work. There was some polish on the cuticles of two or three fingers, but Carter seemed not to notice, holding his hands out in front of him, moving them in the light.

“They’re fucking sick!” He whooped. “Alright, that seemed like something I can do alright. What color do you want?” Emily watched her partner’s face for any sign of poking fun at her, and found none. She sighed with a little smile.

“Actually,” she looked down at her own nails. “I want a couple colors…”

#character sketch #original characters #de facto love february #Carter #emily #nail polish #i wish coming up with nail polish names was a job

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cantbelieveyouregone · 1 month

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Level 65 - 5 Years, 5 Months On Testosterone

Well, it's been a hell of a long time since I last did this. Almost like a pandemic happened and made me forget because there were slightly more pressing matters at hand. But it's just past trans day of visibility, so figured I should provide some sort of update here.

First big change since you last saw me do this is that I got top surgery. I'm now about two and a bit years past when it happened, and it wasn't completely smooth sailing. Surgery itself went fine, but I ended up having some of my stitching come out during recovery. That's, like, a whole other story, though. It could take up several paragraphs here. I got the periareolar one done, with my chest being just on the borderline of being too big for it, but I begged them to let me have that one, as it'd always been my preferred one if possible.

I'm still trying to get on the waiting list for bottom surgery, but even trying to get through to the GIC to make progress is a nightmare right now. I don't help my case by being someone who absolutely despises making phone calls, so I only try getting in touch by email. I've asked to be put on the list, twice, but I have not received any confirmation if it's happened. Really wish that I wasn't dependent on this whole GIC system, but here we are.

Besides that, in terms of testosterone changes, things have been pretty stable for a while now. My voice hasn't gotten much deeper for like a good couple years. I am a hairy boy - saw it coming, thanks to having beheld my dad swimming, and seeing that we were three for three in having facial hair among my grandfathers and dad as well.

I am still a very physically weak man. Exercise took a backseat for a lot of the lockdown period of the pandemic, as well as me doing very little exercise post-surgery on surgeon's orders. I've really only started picking it up again relatively recently, after moving out of the house I always take these selfies in (my old room - now my dad's work from home office - still has a mirror in it). I can do only about 15 push-ups before I have to stop for a breather, as my endurance has remained atrocious. I managed to do ten bicep curls in a row per arm with dumbbells weighing 8.5kg each, but I truly just reached that point. I can do like 100 sit ups on a workout bench or 50 on the floor in mostly one go, though. And I can do a plank for like two and a half minutes on a good day. So, y'know, I'm not in terrible shape, but I could be better. I want to do bouldering more regularly, but that requires breaking my existing routine to do so, so I find it hard to go very often. At least me and my flatmate walk in to work some days.

I have gained a noticeable amount of weight, compared to my last update, but that's honestly more to do with the fact that I moved out and got a job. My flatmate works at the same place I do, so we go to work at the same time. So I actually eat breakfast every day because they'd quickly notice if I didn't. Lunch is covered by our work, but it's Deliveroo from select places, so it's not the healthiest stuff we have as options. And dinner, again, flatmate and I get back at the same time and make dinner together most nights. Might not seem like a big deal, but before I had a job and moved out, I regularly slept in and didn't have a proper meal until dinner time. So funnily enough, I'm not surprised jumping from one meal a day to three has caused weight gain.

My mental health is an open question as always. I've described myself as "one thing going wrong away from a mental breakdown", and I still think that's accurate. I'm still on meds for anxiety and depression, and I still feel noticeable effects when I forget to take them. I don't think they're going away any time soon. Top surgery has helped with some of the mental health stuff, since it's one less thing for me to worry about on a daily basis, but... y'know, bottom dysphoria still exists, and it's bad. I did make some friends during university which helped to make things tolerable when I definitely otherwise would've been alone, since I pushed a lot of my high school friends away after I dropped out. I'm not in a relationship, and not only do I have limited desire to be until I learn how to take care of myself better, but I still have no idea what anyone would see in me.

I never know how to end these things. I don't know when I'll next remember to actually do one of these, because it's been a long-ass time since I did it before. Maybe I'll do a more detailed update about my top surgery experience. Maybe the folks that follow me ain't here for this, but if my post makes it across the dashboard or in the search of another person going through it, maybe it'll be helpful.

It's kind of why I started doing this in the first place.

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 2 months

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Over the last year or so, a few of my favourite singers have released new albums, and I’ve been really excited about it, and thought I’ll listen to it and then write a post about it. But every time, I found the albums just a bit disappointing. Not bad or anything – some of them have had great songs on them. But all of them have made me think, this is fun but not as good as some previous stuff they’ve done. I didn’t post about any of them because I don’t need to write a post about an album that’s pretty good. I write about things when I get so excited about them that I just have to share it with someone.

That is some context to keep in mind when I say: holy fuck, the new Grace Petrie album.

It came out two days ago, and I've already listened to it all the way through twice. I try to do that at least once with new albums, as I don't like that the album is becoming a dying art, now that we can just pick and choose the tracks. I mean, 95% of my music listening is done by just picking the tracks I like, but every once in a while I try to listen to an album from start to finish like it's 2004 again, because some albums are meant to be listened to that way, and sometimes you get more out of it in context. I try to, at the very least, do it once when a new album comes out.

This one I did twice in a row, because it felt so much like a coherent album that it seemed worth doing again. The track order seems intentional, starting angry and cynical and political, moving into more personal but depression-based, then into hopeful optimistic cynicism-free love songs, then circling back to the political stuff but this time from a more hopeful perspective. It works so well as an album, and the songs are lovely, and it's been a long time since I've been this excited about a new album.

If you want to listen to the whole album in a row, you can do it here:

youtube

But if you're interested in that, you really should buy it on Bandcamp at the link I posted above, it doesn't cost that much and it's a way to support this kind of music, both directly with your money, and she sends things to her mailing list about how this affects chart position and that affects other things, I don't know how it all works, but I do know that if I like something that's available on Bandcamp I try to buy it on Bandcamp because that supports artists. I mean, I take media for free all the time, I don't pay for any streaming services (besides NextUp) because they're largely shit for both the artist and the consumer, but Bandcamp is actually good for both sides, it's great for the consumer too because they let you download correctly labeled DRM-free MP3s of all the tracks and it's really easy to use. No annoying extra stuff, just a folder with the 11 songs and a JPG of the cover image, which is also the thumbnail of the above YouTube video, which is. I mean. I don't wish to objectify Grace Petrie in a post about her feminist album that was released on International Women's Day, but Jesus Christ.

Anyway. The actual songs are so very good. I think her voice must have gotten even better in recent years, it's always been good but I don't remember being struck this hard, when listening to her previous stuff, by the power of her vocal range. There's also so much going on instrumentally in most songs, but then a couple of lovely stripped back ones near the end, and I like the combination.

I always say with my very favourite music and comedy things, they feel like the person wrote and performed this because they had something they really cared about saying, and not just because it's a new year or a new cycle and they're supposed to be put something out. This feels so much like the former. All these expressions of love and anger and engagement.

Meanwhile in Texas is the song that I've been waiting for someone to release for nearly two years. There was so much anger when Roe v Wade was overturned, but I remember at the time, reading all the stuff and taking in all the ways that artists reacted via some form of art, and none of it felt like it captured the situation enough to give me the vicarious catharsis I was looking for. Grace Petrie's written one that does.

The album starts on a ridiculously high note, I think the first track is probably the one I'll end up listening to on repeat the most times, though it's always hard to tell that when an album is so new. The Best Country in the World, just a classic anti-Tory protest song, where her vocals get to soar in this trademark way that Grace Petrie does so well, but I think it might reach higher heights than ever in this one. It builds and builds into a perfectly placed swear word at the end and I assume this is her new live show closer, right? It has to be. God, I'd love to see another Grace Petrie concert.

I could go through every song and explain why it's so great, but I'll cut the post off here and just say: it's not a long album, it's 11 songs and about 42 minutes in total. Do yourself a favour this International Women's Weekend and listen to it all in one go, it really rewards that. Also buy it on Bandcamp. Trust me. You won't be disappointed.

#Bandcamp

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gayskogul · 5 months

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Well, I hope you don't mind but I would like all your thoughts on the Charlot/priest incident in The Charioteer. In particular, is it the beginning of the end for Laurie and Andrew, or a sign that their relationship is actually growing in strength?

Thanks for the ask! I do enjoy these excuses to go back and read this book. So! I went into this remembering the scene as kind of a low point for those two and was reminded very rapidly of how brutal it was lol. Like yeah, Laurie's getting pissy at Andrew cause he is kinda being a useless. (To which I'm forced to say, yeah fair, but what are you expecting out of a 19 year old blond twink, laurie? They're not exactly known for their usefulness) Then he realises that one thing he's come to really love Andrew for (his tendency to slip into a quiet thoughtfulness) is not something he can rely on when times get Real - probably especially for a relationship. There's this bit in my notes where I went fully stream of consciousness mid-sentence that made me laugh my ass off:

Much of this chapter has Andrew hurrying out of the room back and forth from somewhere else, the nurse, the laundry, whatever. I think this absence really gets to Laurie.

And then we get to the meat of the scene, where Laurie wants Andrew to impersonate the priest, since Charlot would recognise him if he tried to do it. It's a very… pragmatic idea, and rooted in compassion. All things very Laurie-core. But any semi-religious person would balk at the idea, I know my raised-catholic ass cocked a brow in surprise when I first read it. And unfortunately for Laurie, and perhaps Charlot depending on where you stand, Andrew is quite a bit more dedicated than just "semi". He declines, obviously.

Now, when Andrew starts standing up for himself and denying Laurie's frantic request to impersonate the priest (thrice! somebody fetch that rooster!) I was like… we're so back!! It's even stated how hot Laurie thinks Andrew is when he's putting his foot down like this. But I think the plaster's already been ripped off at this point, and Laurie's much too frustrated with Andrew. There's much difference between how the two are as people, and he's been quite forcefully shown that divide in this situation. He's already wished that Ralph was here in the scene like twice by now. That's where he's most comfortable: "Ralph would've understood."

After their row, Laurie does apologise but the damage is already done. Fwiw, I'm not very convinced by his apology, like I do think that he believed those things he said, he's just such a people pleaser that he wants Andrew to not be upset. Andrew's still hurt from all of that, though, despite saying, "It's alright" a couple of times. But he doesn't really know how to express it, so he goes for the o2 cylinder. There's some cool foreshadowing of Andrew doing violence with that. We're reminded how he's actually quite strong, and how he's said to be "attacking" the cylinder. And there's something Laurie sees on his face described as "something of a revelation", does Laurie see those latent impulses for violence there, which he can't express because of his beliefs? Ties in with the son of a soldier thing etc. Anyway, Charlot then goes unresponsive. Andrew leaves again, to get the nurse. When they're back, she scolds Laurie and orders him to bed - leaving him with no chance to talk things over with Andrew.

Now, the scene in the kitchen. On my first read through, I was so in shock from the kiss that I hadn't really absorbed what else was going on here: this reads like a breakup! This is such a breakup! Laurie's going away, the way it's worded… the vague promises of visiting again and staying in a farm nearby. The bittersweet reminiscing of the Mozart, which was originally what they thought was the oboe quartet, but Laurie misremembers it as a concerto. But then again, things have changed now, haven't they? That one line, "I've never known this place with you," gave me a head rush so strong I thought I had covid. And then he goes to call the Mozart piece, "One of those tunes that people have" [that they associate with a lover who's gotten away from them??], and I went visibly pale lol. And then that line about Dave moving to the east end, where the Blitz is in full swing? 'Does he have to do that?' 'He can go where he likes, he's years over military age. It's because of Cynthia, I know.' Andrew gave him a strange bewildered look and added, 'I know how he feels. No, that must sound stupid. I mean I--' Did he just compare Laurie moving away to Dave losing his spouse?? im gonna explode???

There's so much good stuff here, these two really are so sweet! It starts to feel like Andrew's coming around, he's almost ready to figure it all out, he's opening his heart to Laurie here. He trusts Laurie and only feels normal around him etc. And Laurie is even moved enough to kiss him, to enlighten him. Maybe it'd be a goodbye kiss, just like what Ralph did to him, all those years ago. Only, again, they're interrupted. It's not meant to be.

-- Random thots that i'm gluing onto the end:

There's a lot of this disconnectedness between the two that I've brought up before a hopeful laurie/andrew dreamer. They don't really get a chance to communicate here because Andrew has to go off and do things/get the nurse, and when they try to, they just end up fighting and not really resolving anything. Other things I noted down that tie into this theme - the line to the priest being cut, and no communication can get through, the nurse separating them, and then interrupting their kiss! Even Laurie's transfer kinda smoothly fits the idea on a larger scale.

Another thing I've brought up before is the whole "keeping Andrew in the dark" thing, which crops up here again. When they're talking about Ralph and what he'd did to get expelled in the kitchen, Laurie doesn't clue him in. Now obviously because it was quite the scandal, and he wanted to protect Ralph, but also he wanted to protect Andrew from learning about himself and not bring up anything gay! This is another of those times that people pulled the wool over his eyes.

Dont think I didn't notice Laurie purposefully avoiding sleep so that he can wait up in the dark just to get a chance to see Andrew, TWICE! That's my girl...!

A completely random thing to notice, but whatever, it's there. In this chapter, Charlot keeps getting these quite... animalistic descriptions in his appearance. His "thick chin", his "oxlike brown eyes," "blunt hands," "coarse, curly hair", (like a sheep? admittedly lots of reaching going on here), and his "animal state" giving Laurie the impression of "watching a dying dog". That last one of them is ALSO crazy because doesn't the wedding, where Laurie finds out about Gyp, happen after this chapter?????

#ramblings #the charioteer #ask and ye shall receive #this was a really sad chapter dear god

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reidsaurora · 2 years

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So, this is goodbye...

Yes, you assumed correctly. I'm leaving.

I have been seriously dreading making this post... and even now, typing it up, I still don't know exactly what it is I wanna say or how to say it.

I'm not leaving permanently so don't get too excited (sarcasm, ik u guys love me 😉). This is more of an "I'll see you later!" type of post.

Wait, so why are you leaving?

So, some of you may have noticed, I haven't posted for two Fridays in a row. That is because, I have been struggling with some extreme burnout.

When I started this account back in January, I was posting every day. Then I started to feel the effects of that, and I was posting every day except for Sunday. That did not last very long either and I eventually only posted on Tuesdays and Fridays (my designated days for Sam and Spencer). And now I'm here, only posting on Fridays because even twice a week was too much for me.

This is not at all what I wanted. I thought I was strong enough to get through this period and I thought I was going to be able to post weekly Spencer fics alongside SYGB. However, with the stress of constantly writing something for this account and prepping for college, I haven't even had time to step back and focus on the reason I started writing in the first place: to make the books and scripts that I needed when I was younger.

Therefore, for me to get back to making content for you guys, I think it would be best for me to take a break from posting on here and work on content that I am proud of and actually look forward to posting for you guys.

So... what about SYGB?

I have to be honest with you guys, SYGB isn't doing as well as I expected. It's one of those projects that I put my heart and soul into... and then it (for a lack of a better word) flopped. I'm sure my fellow writers will understand what I mean when I say that it's disheartening when you work on something that you love but it seems as though no one else loves it.

That being said, during this break, I am considering re-writing SYGB to make it something I am 100% proud to post and to make it something that I don't feel obligated to post—something that I absolutely can't wait to share with you guys!

So, how long will you be gone for?

To be honest, I don't know. Part of me wants to promise that I'll be back in a month or in two months or however long it'll take me to get my feet planted into college life. Part of me wants to promise that it'll be a short period of time.

However, with the current state of my mental health, I know that these will be empty promises.

However, I know that I'm not going to leave forever. This account and my fanfiction are things that are constantly on my mind. I think even in 10 years or maybe even in 20 years or however long it takes me to publish my books and/or become a screenwriter, I'll still look back to these days and recognize my roots as a writer.

That being said, I do have many works in progress that I look forward to posting... when the time is right. There are a couple writing contests that I am going to try my hardest to join before the deadline is up. There are multiple wips that I know you guys will love when they are absolutely perfect (in my mind's eye anyway).

So, I suppose my answer is... am I really leaving at all?

To make a long story short, I am still very much going to be on this app. I don't think I'll ever fully leave Tumblr. I still really love reading fics and checking in on my friends and making content for you guys.

That being said, I am going to end this with promises to continue posting, just not right now. My posts will be more sporadic, no more posting schedule unless I get back to a mental state where it will be OK for me.

I want to thank each and every single person who has supported me on this journey. One person I'd like to shout out in particular is @theghouligan. She's the person who encouraged me to start posting my fanfiction and she was the first person to support me taking this break (you can ask her, taking this break is not a spur of the moment decision).

If you've read this far, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I love you and I appreciate you.

You guys probably know where this is going, but as I always say:

☆𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒☆

general taglist: @1234-angelika @amythedoctor @lowsodiumfreaks67 @drayshadow @alexxavicry @nomajdetective @mrspeacem1nusone @cordyandbilliehavemyheart @kbakery @leigh70 @the-lucky-ones311 @mercuryvapours @danzalladaggers @darkloverfox @sammyrenae68 @cherrycandle @asgardprincess97 @gh0stgurl @esposadomd @randomwriter1021 @eddieharrington @lunar-affection @paintlavillered @jensensgirl @givemeth @lavhoes @rhyanishere @gal-obsessed-with-marvel @danielle143 @marsmallow433 @rexorangecouny @handsupforamiracle @criminalmindsandmarvel @mente-sindescanso @reveriemgg @spencer-reids-adventures @ah-blossom @encyclo-reid-ia @reidselle

#posting #posting schedule #posting update #update #updates #account update #writing update #goodbye #goodbye post #emmyfromowaw #emmy writes #ofwilliamandwalter #bet queue wanna love me now

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callofdudes · 6 months

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This is gonna be another rant post. You don't have to read it. I just have nowhere else to put this.

You guys can tell me if this is bad to put this out here, but I honestly have no one else that I feel I can turn to with this, so I'll put it here. This post by @//wispscribbles has been on my mind lately. It perfectly sums up how I've been feeling lately.

It's been something I've been feeling since I knew the game would come out, and since I've taken other hits to my personal life. Major blows.

Why I don't feel I can go to anyone else is because to other people the idea of having such a strong, deep, emotional connection to a fictional character is stupid. and going to them with these things really hurts me when I hear that.

I grew up pretty much forced to be silent, a pretty abusive family never gave me opportunity to be my own person and tried to snatch that away from me. So I've always clung to fictional characters.

These made up characters were the only friends I had. And only just two years ago did I actually, really start growing a little circle of a couple friends for myself. I was always really isolated from all those things. So fictional characters was where I turned when I couldn't get love from my own family or bare minimum friendship.

And that really hurts me when stuff like this happens in the game...

I know it may be "stupid" because they did what they had to. But just the whole game in general and how it felt seeing clips felt dry to me. And I don't know why if affected me so much. Other than I'm already not doing well at all.

I've been trying to push away and sort of avoid what's been happening lately. I was starting to feel better, to battle my depression, and now it's come back twice as bad. I've always been scared of who I might be if I was truly happy. I've been staying in bed much, much longer. I stay up past 1 just so I can have the interaction with people I feel I want but have always been scared to reach out for.

I've fallen back into the eating disorder that I've been stuck with since I was ten. I was just starting to get over all these things and work through them. I was getting good and healthy and I felt good!

And that's where I hate it the most. I was doing so good... And not good enough.

And unfortunately, I don't know what to do. I feel... Numb. I've slowly been losing my passions, stuck in a house with the same videogames, a job, a dying console, no friends, one family member I can trust and... That's it.

Even when I have tried to make friends, I'm so socially anxious and terrified I can barely go anywhere by myself. I can't adult because I never had a childhood. It's always been adulting. I can't make friends because I struggle to hold basic conversations with people. I've never had just a casual conversation with someone my age.

And that's one of the reasons I can't make friends. Is because I never had any to begin with.

These fictional characters have been what I've clung to since I was eight.

They're who I turn to when the world goes to shit and a bunch of stupid stuff happens. I honestly don't mean to ramble and spill all my business like this, but I'm struggling. I'm really struggling.

I've been lucky enough that through my loss of enjoyment in some of my videogames, technology, hiking, art, music... That I haven't lost writing. Not yet.

My writing is where I can keep my characters alive and that's why I think, and I hope I don't lose this too.

So honestly, I thank you all a million times for each like and comment and reblog. Even if it makes me happy for a few minutes, it helps sometimes. Because these characters are pretty much all I have, and I want to do them justice.

Yeah... Sorry about this, too much stuff happening and I don't want to dump it on you guys. Stay frosty ok? 👍🏻

I really hesitated to post this and I don't have my ducks in a row. All the mental health posts about how I want to take a break but I genuinely can't. A couple days is all I can do and I hate it sometimes.

This will probably get taken down once it fully sinks in that I probably shouldn't post this. I'm here to give you fics and cod, and this isn't it. Sorry.

#im sorry to push this onto you guys but i truly have no one go turn to #and where i live medical help therapy and other things are getting f-d up #these characters literally the only thing ive ever had in my life #they're the closest thing i know to a friend #and that's extremely sad for me

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