#I should be paying attention in class ha
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#rc9gn#jake long#american dragon jake long#randy cunningham ninja total#I have my moment of obsession#i'm sorry#longham?#jakeham?#I should be paying attention in class ha
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It's strangely gender-affirming when my mom gets defensive and accuses me of mansplaining
#she didn't say that exact word this time but she has before lol#i'm just Speaking. she does not like it when i use ''academic'' words.#this is also actually interesting though! it's something i've started to pay close attention to.#i talk a lot in class anyway but as my peers are starting to see me more as male their perceptions of me are going to change.#so me talking a lot goes from 'wow she's so smart she should get her phd!' --#-- to possibly feeling condescended.#but i'm being generous here lol. i don't think ANY of my peers at school see me as male.#'her pronouns are they-slash-them' yeah fuck you actually. and they're not.#but on seeing me as male:#apparently my friends do and they have straight up never questioned it or thought of me any other way#which boggles my mind. i am not a tall or big person. i have a deep-ish voice for a female but it's not enough.#it's not enough.#last thoughts: you can't argue with my mother when she does her whole 'i just wish everyone was equal so we wouldn't need all these ---#--- categories and labels' thing. maybe i am mansplaining when i tell her why identity politics are necessary right now.#maybe she should develop a more critical consciousness instead of accidentally associating w the 'i don't see colour' crowd.
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never forget my old conseulor told me that i was too smart to be autistic and have adhd just because i got into uni and had survived 3 years plus being observant (i am not its just i can recognize pattern)
#like. listen lady#my dad had very bad spending behavior and he had hyperfixations#he would get into something for one year and then pick up another interest#his impulsivity is off the chart#plus he is very sensitive to loud noises and shit#and my mom with her “everything has to be in a specific place”#plus in her relative side there are lots of autistic kids#and in my school years teachers always said that i needed to pay attention more in my classes and should be more social#like there is a lot of bullshit going on with me but i guess it was just my brother has more visible traits than me so they failed to notice
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#tfw ur life has been so busy that u forgot that with a new school u have a new email to keep track of#and u forgot to hook it up to ur outlook so now u open it up and see emails from abt a month ago#telling u to do TA orientation stuff. uuuuuh oops#so i guess i have some bullshit to figure out tomorrow. also i should finalize my class sign up staff#stuff* bc when i was doing yhat my brain was on fire. also i should email my new boss. oh god. why didnt i check that email????#i dont even kno if im supposed to b a TA this semester??? i should just email the guy but also i dont wanna roll up like yo#im already damaged goods bc ive suffered a whole year in a state of burnout. also i fucked up my sign up process by not paying attention#but uh hi hello nice to meed u again for the 2nd time in my life. this is definitely not a bad omen for things to come#ugh. why have i done this to myself? i cant even call to try to fix anything until Monday. fuck.#but i mean. i cant b thr only one who's ever done this. so maybe itll b fine? hopefully?#but i wouldn't have this problem if id just fucking looked at my fucking email in the 1st place#i can already feel it. this is where the overlap starts. the overlap between my old lab and my new lab#will it tear me into pieces? perhaps. i have to shift into go mode. i cant b a sad sack anymore#ugh. im usually really good at being on top of stuff like this bc im such an anxious freak but here we r...#unrelated
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me like ..... am I a bad teacher .......because I make class fun and my students laugh ........ surely this is wrong ........
#actually that's not really the guilt#the guilt is that I feel certain I'm not stopping or preventing the cheating the way that I should be#or enforcing the rules consistently#i just have this horrible nagging feeling that I'm letting them get away with too much#and it isn't good for them or me or the school#but also like. my class is fun. they are paying attention most of the time to the text and engaging with it in a variety of ways#i enjoy my job (most of the time) so i am not burnt out and bitter#i think i'm opening some real doors for them and isn't that what matters?#and yet!#anyway this has been the voice in my head over and over and over the past couple of weeks!!!!#because there is a lot of cheating that goes on. just generally. and shenanigans i don't approve of and all of that#and there is this part of me that wants to be a hard-ass#not because i think i should be and not because i'm putting that pressure on myself#but because i don't WANT to let them get away with everything! it's important to me that i sometimes catch them out#make them face the consequences of their actions#in a meaningful way!#idk i guess i just need to keep aiming for that without feeling that i need to remove any element of fun#or personality from my room#idk idk just musing aloud
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I would like to state for the record that I am not going to watch Snowpiercer. And you can't make me.
#the context of this is that I had the idea for a chapter in my graphic novel about a train divided up by class as a microcosm of society#and every time I mentioned it to someone they mentioned I should watch Snowpiercer#even tho the MUCH closer parallel for my story is actually Infinity Train#but i felt like i had to watch snowpiercer even tho i didn't want to and 5 minutes in i remembered i have free will#and now i feel unreasonably irritated with this film/franchise despite it having done nothing to deserve it.#but FUCK YOU SNOWPIERCER#yOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY GUYS IN TOWN WHO GET TO USE A TRAIN AS A METAPHOR????#EVERY TRAIN EVER MADE IS DIVIDED BY CLASS YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL FOR PUTTING IT IN A MOVIE#IF I WANTED TO WITNESS A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS WINTERY SLOG THROUGH THE PUCKERED ASSHOLE OF POVERTY#I WOULD JUST PAY ATTENTION TO MY LIFE BEING POOR IN CHICAGO#OH ~LA TEE DAAA~ I'M SNOWPIERCER AND CHRIS EVANS SAYS JACK HAS TO WATCH ME AND HAS NO CHOICE#weLL I BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING /THIS/!!!!!#original#snowpiercer#it's... probably a decent movie#but that is for ol' chrissy e. to know and for me to never find out
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My sister (Bursting into my room with no warning): Are you ready for the absolute LAST thing you were expecting for your 2022 bingo card??
Me: Bring it.
Sister: NED FULMER CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
Me: TAKE IT AWAY.
#personal#holy fuck dude#i hadn't been paying attention to the try guys for literal years and i check back in to hear Famous Wife Guy#has cheated on Aforementioned Wife... with an EMPLOYEE. not an ounce of class anywhere to be found. that's the most midlife crisis thing#I've ever heard.#you absolute piece of shit SHE GAVE YOU TWO CHILDREN#and nobody give me that 'it's not like you're FRIENDS it's not like you KNOW THEM-'#I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW SOMEBODY TO OBSERVE THAT THEIR BEHAVIOR IS OBJECTIVELY SHITTY#BOSSES SHOULD NOT BE SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE WHO'S PAYCHECK THEY CONTROL#CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE AFTER GOING THROUGH TWO KIDS- ONE OF WHOM#SPENT A LONG TIME IN THE NICU WHILE YOUR SPOUSE IS THERE WITH THEM- IS AN OBJECTIVELY#SHIT WAY TO TREAT THEM
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English in School is learning the curtains are blue because the poet is sad
Doing Masters in English is learning the curtains were blue because the British colonised India and forced Indian farmers to grow Indigo crops and the poet purchased that exact colour to show hollowness of the society which traded luxury on human suffering
#this probably has a literary term#i should probably pay attention in classes#literature#english literature#human suffering#the curtains are blue#books#desi dark academia#dark academia
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oh wait i remembered it all
#in the beginning of the semester one of the classes i was in had over 50 people in a small room and the professor i like has a very weak#voice so since i couldnt hear her (all the way from the back of the class) i got up from my seat and went to the front of the class#and sat beside the professor and spoke loudly so everyone would pay attention to what she was saying#the randomness of it all made the class finally shut up n i thought i'd stay there to help but maybe she thought i was implying#she doesnt know how to teach or get the classes' attention so she looked at me sternly and told me i was just making it worse#so i just said ok sorry and went back to my seat & the class was noisy again as soon as she tried to speak#i think that was the reason she started to dislike me. i don't really blame her tho what i did was probably uncalled for#i didn't mean anything bad by it tho it was just that i couldnt hear her so i suppose other people couldnt hear her too so since#i got a megaphone throat by genetics i should help her at least be heard#that happened all the way back in march btw. thats a hell of a grudge but i will apologize when i see her again next semester
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one of these days my dad is gonna realize what my school schedule is in the meantime he will continue to exist adjacently to me and never in the same space
#guy who brags constantly about me getting into my program and didnt realize th school im going to is like good#until he told one girl and she recognized the name and freaked out#and now he wont fucking quit with it#meanwhile: keeps complaining its gonna get real old driving me to school and please please learn to drive#i have class. 3 days a week. technically 2 bc one class is online and i only go in that day really late in the afternoon lmfaoooo#does he know this. no not at all. has actually not asked a question about what im gonna be doing#instead keeps worrying i have no future and keeps asking what career i want to go into and also is it animation its animation right#why not animation... oh well maybe you can transfer into animation later : )#yeah ok. sure. why dont i transfer into animation so i can fucking smash a brick into my skull#screaming and dying he needs to go back to forgetting i am real he is paying too much attention to goings on now#idk how to relax and everything is coming up now and i feel like im dying slightly lmao. sitting at my desk working all weekend#working on what. who knows bc i hurt my shoulders too bad to do anything real. stressing myself out further for nothing#dies and explodes i should be excited and be doing fine but well lmao. lmao. i will probably feel better when i go in tomorrow#i dont know man ptsd brain is like nothing good can happen for long! standby for the other shoe to drop#and well it sure is coming to a head now bc getting in would be really. really good. so ofc the other shoe will drop right#i know it wont but my brain doesnt know that so fear sits in my whole body all day all night stress dream city baby#vent#ig#dies and explodes
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oh my god this fucking guy in my stupid screenwriting class. his script is 14 pages long because he STILL has stupid unnecessary spaces before and after transitions and also after dialogue or action and a new slug line and also just randomly anywhere. i like his script but jesus could he be any worse at formatting. this is our third draft buddy why do you still not know FORMATTING. THE DAMN SOFTWARE FORMATS FOR YOU ITS NOT EVEN HARD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
#now i know that most people don’t like. read screenplays and write in that format as a hobby starting at age 14. but come on it’s not hard#and his action paragraphs are so long. and still won’t intercut action with dialogue as much as he should. and i don’t understand why this#is so hard for him i mean bro you have seen everyone else’s script. you have seen many examples of correct formatting.#like what’s his deal is he just not paying attention.#i think it bugs me mostly because i know his idea and what he’s doing is actually good and he just can’t write it in a way that’s good#where kevin (teachers pet) has an idea that is annoying and bad. but he wrote it very well.#this class has been a journey. almost happy it’s nearly over. then i never have to read another draft of kevin’s knockoff la la land for men#sorry kevin you’re very talented. also deeply annoying and unoriginal.#beth.txt#ok i have to go eat and hang with richard
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Out of touch Thursday indeed
#today I repeatedly forgot what room I have to go to for a class#misremembered which LK my friend has#forgot biology class isn't happening because the teacher is on an expedition#almost forgot to take out my braces in morning#completely missed that it's raining outside so I also went on with my day completely unprepared for that#presented the wrong english assignment#also I forgot to get something to drink and I have no idea who to text back#and words are failing me speaking is not working well for me at all i could not form a full sentence#i slept for a good#seven??? six or so hours??? i think?????#so thats not it#and I ate#and I have drank today#so. ik thats not it#oh well it's gonna pass#everything always does#wasn't able to pay attention in class zoday either gosh maybe i should take a nap or something#might just be the adhd though
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My German teacher would be So proud that I’m out here watching a German minecraft speedrunning tournament and actually understand like atleast a good 30-60% depending on the sentence.
#6 years has brought me here#Partial understanding depending on how hard I'm paying attention#No but actually I'm out here so proud of how much I still understand I bullshitted my way thru German class during high school#I by all means should Not still understand this much
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#focus who? i dont kno her#its so bad. i csnt focus at all. and ive got way too much to do. take me back to last week where i spent hours reading papers#annoying. also possibly lack of sleep cstching up with me#do u ever get very little sleep and not miss it at all? yea bitch all the time. then i get depressed and its sleepy time#and by sleepy time i mean i get like 8hrs of sleep lol#maybe ill just do nothing and completely fuck over my sunday lol#maybe i should go run up thr mountain rn before im stuck in a car for 2 hrs#bc im getting spikes of being insane. unfortunately i have no emotional object permanence so when i feel crazy its like#ive always felt like this ans its terrible forever. and then immediately afterward im like lol wot? nah im fine. ive always been fine#shout out to mood swings ✌️ like bro im trying to get materials together so i can teach a class. can u shut the fuck up? and focus?#well see how i do today with a ton of socializing. itll b fine. im normal i can b normal#or i can b endearing quirky. or whatever i usually i am. i dont think i have conversations like a normal person but i cant tell bc im not#there for conversations im not in. whatever everyone else has conversations in a way thats boring. i just wanna grill ppl til i understand#how they work. and then feel like im gonna die if im in a group conversation 🙃 let me study thr ppl around me#bc im very normal. god. i promise irl im not that weird. ppl think im nice and cool and successful#ok maybe not cool. but i think i can get away with being interesting. i got at least a lil charisma. im only a bit horribly awkward ;-]#but i try to own it. wtf was i saying. jesus. i cant with my brain rn. i shoulf have gone for a run this morning#being social just makes me anxious so im babbling i guess. but itll b fun. and itll b pretty im sure#maybe ill try to draw my ocs while im not paying attention. ive neglected them for so long 😭#unrelated
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my new favor;te hobby ;5 trac;ng d;fferent troll5 ;n th;5 one wh;teboard web5;te that only ha5 l;ke. f;ve color5 when ; 5hould be pay;ng attent;on dur;ng cla55
#[pt: my new favorite hobby is tracing different trolls in this one whiteboard website that only has like. five colors when i should be#paying attention during class]#post tag in progress#ignore how eridans shoe isn't finished erm. forgor <3#you might be asking why those two. i don't like either of them#okay kankri is kinda a funny story and eridan.... i was listening to will wood okay /silly#hs
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im trying to go to sleep and it struck me again how lonely i am yeehaw
#i didnt speak to anyone in my class today#ive barely spoken to any of them at all#i know theres two groupchats and im not apart of either of them#just like. man. idk. i wish i was dead. im suffering. im lonely i hate being lonely i hate using this as a weapon i wish i didnt have to#bottle so much stuff up. this godforsaken app is my only outlet#and i think its so funny that if you pay any kind of attention im covered in warning signs. they are blaring tornado sirens and no one has#noticed! or they have and no one gives a shit! god! do you know how that wears on a person!#i miss my friends so much they werent amazing but they were all i had#i should try to sleep again ive been awake much longer then i meant to be#adventures#if you read all that.......idk just dont leave a note on this let me stew alone thank u
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