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nottapossum · 7 months

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Father knows best chapter 7: The Family Jewels

Summary:

Millie is trying to find Moxxie, Cash and Blitzø talk, Crimson’s the worst, Alessio is sus.

Notes:

TW: language, creepy people, blackmail, calling a trans woman he/him in past because it was before they knew, will not be using any variation of a deadname or anything like that. And feelings. Lmk if I should add. ‘I can't break the cycle, am I just a fool? Falling down like dominoes, hit by family jewels Pass it down from kid to kid, the chain will never end 'Less I decide to go to it, will I see the end? Ooh, don't you find it strange? Only thing we share is one last name Did I beat you at your own game? Typical of me to put us all to shame.’ ~The family jewels by Marina and the diamonds.

~~~Moxxie~~~

Alessio sent Moxxie to Crimson’s office the next morning.

It was taking Millie and Blitzø forever to find him, but he had to stay strong for them.

The walk to his father’s office gave Moxxie a creepy deja vu feeling, remembering when Alessio would often send him there when Crimson wanted to talk to him. Usually it was about work, sometimes it had to do with Moxxie doing something wrong.

“You wanted to talk to me….sir?” Moxxie asks.

“Come in.” Crimson says to him, setting his pen down and giving Moxxie his full attention.

Moxxie does as he’s told and walks into the room.

But, Moxxie’s hand clenched the door handle tightly as if closing the door behind him would result in repeating the actions of yesterday…

“Moxxie…” Crimson warns.

Moxxie takes a deep breath in attempt to slow down his fast beating heart. He closes his eyes, then closes the door slowly.

“Good boy.” Crimson says. “Now, take a seat. I’d like to talk about how things are gonna work around here now that you’re home.”

Moxxie turns to Crimson, but he doesn’t sit. “Sir. Why are yo-“

“Don’t interrupt me.” Crimson snaps at him. “You’re lucky you’re not dead after the stunt you pulled, do you have any idea what you di-“

“I don’t want to stay here! I dont- I can’t-“ Moxxie shouts, slamming his hands on the desk. “I won’t! Why don’t you understand that?”

Crimson stands and interrupts. “I couldn’t care less what you want, you ungrateful bitch! You’re staying here with me and that’s final!” Crimson says.

“No, I’m not! Why the fuck would I ever stay here? Why do you even want me here? You don’t care about me!” “Is that really what you think?” Crimson asks. “Yes! And you can’t change that! You can force me to regress all you want, but that won’t change anything, my REAL family will find m-“

“You really think those clowns are your family? Don’t be stupid.” Crimson says. “I suggest you learn who your real family is fast before somebody gets hurt.” Crimson pulled out a cigar and lighter. “W-what do you mean?” Moxxie asks. Crimson lights his cigar, then puts the lighter back in his pocket. “Your boss, Blitzø adopted a hell hound a few years ago, goes by the name of Loona; funny, he’s even stupid enough to call the thing his daughter.” Crimson explains.

Moxxie’s heart increased volume as the rest of the room remained silent for a moment. “What?”

“He also has a twin sister, goes by the name Barbie Wire. She’s currently dwelling in Sloth. St. Alan hospital’s rehab center to be exact. She was omitted by Blitzø after overdosing on Hydromorphone. She’s making some great progress I hear. Expected to get out of there any time now.” Crimson grins. “His father is also still around, I had a lovely conversation with him.”

Moxxie looks away for a moment, biting down a comment about how glad he was that Crimson got to meet another shitty father to bond with.

“And you’re lovely Mildred.” Crimson starts again, chuckling, causing Moxxie to snap his eyes back at him again. “Her parents Lynn and Jo, live on a humble little farm in wrath with their four sons-“

“Three sons.” Moxxie corrects.

“What?” Crimson asks.

“Sally Mae is trans.” Moxxie says.

Crimson raises an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

Moxxie sighs. “She’s a girl.”

Crimson rolls his eyes. “Fine. Whatever.”

“I don’t understand, dad. Why are you doing this? I’m not even-“

Crimson harshly grabs Moxxie’s face with his claws, digging deep into Moxxie’s skin as his father pulls him closer. “I know it’s very hard for your dumb little boy brain to understand, so I’ll make it simple for ya. You work at I.M.P no longer, you will take your rightful place in the organization, and you WILL start fucking listening to me!” Crimson’s voice suddenly becomes softer: “In return, you’ll be protected and properly taken care of.”

Moxxie gulps.

“It’s better this way.” Crimson says, letting his chin go in favor of patting his head. “I mean, did you honestly believe they’re better with you there holding them back all the time?” He asks.

A sharp pain of guilt struck Moxxie’s chest, he felt like death.

Would Millie really be better off without him?

No, of course not, Millie loved him!

Crimson was trying to manipulate him.

But, if he doesn’t agree, he’ll just go after Millie and Blitzø’s family.

He’ll be hurting Millie and Blitzø in a way they could never recover from…

It’ll be all his fault!

Moxxie rubs his arm anxiously. “But, what about…”

“If you’re worried about the rest of I.M.P, don’t be. So long as you’re obedient, they won’t be hurt.” Crimson says.

Moxxie sighs. “Promise?”

Crimson looks into Moxxie’s eyes, his gaze cold and deadly. “You have my word.”

Moxxie sighs. “Okay…”

“Good boy.” Crimson smiles.

“But-“

Crimson raises both eyebrows at him.

“D-Do I really have to regress?” Moxxie asks. “I’ll do whatever you say, I just- I don’t want to-“

“Moxxie…” Crimson grabs his face again, but gentler this time. “Someone needs to look after you.” He says, caressing the young imp’s cheek with his thumb. “It’s not like you’re capable of doing it yourself.” He scolds.

“Sir-“

“Don’t fucking question me again, Moxxie. Do you understand?”

Moxxie deflates. “Yes, sir.”

“Good boy.” Crimson praised. “You know as well as I do that you have commitments here, responsibilities. You really thought I was gonna let you try and run off like your mother did? I don’t think so.”

His mother died! She didn’t abandon him!

She never would…

She never left him!

~~~Past~~~

His parents were screaming at each other, it wasn’t even lunch time yet, and they were screaming like there was a fire.

Moxxie was trying to read in his room when he hears his mother shout: “That’s it! I’m going to my sisters!”

“Great! Knock yourself out! Have a fucking good time getting drunk with your slutty sister!” Crimson shouts. “See if I care!”

Moxxie’s mother sighs. “Moxxie!” She called.

Moxxie closes the book and sets it aside.

Book abandoned, he starts to walk down the stairs. “Yes, Mama?”

“What are you doing? You are not taking him!” Crimson says.

Moxxie stops moving at his father’s tone, he hoped they wouldn’t go at it again.

“Pack a suitcase, Chip. We’re visiting your cousins for a few days.” His mother tells him.

“The hell you are!” Crimson says. “Moxxie, get down here. You’re staying with me!”

Moxxie stays where he is, he wants to listen to his parents, but his father wants him downstairs and his mother wants him upstairs, so mid-stairs seems like a good middle ground to satisfy both parents.

“I want him to be a regular kid for once! Going to wrath will allow him to play outside, get some sunshine, some fresh air!” She says.

“Overrated bullshit!” His father says. “He doesn’t need any of that!”

“He never gets to see his cousins.” She says. “He’s just a kid, he should be allowed to have some fun every now and then.” She says.

Moxxie knew the truth though, it had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with his father; Mama never let him alone with daddy for long.

“Fine, if it gets rid of you for a few days, it’ll be fucking worth it.” Crimson says, leaving the room and slamming the door.

Moxxie didn’t like when they fought, why can’t they just get along for once?

His mother smiles at him. “Pack a bag, chip.” She instructed.

Moxxie forced a smiled back at her, then did as he was told.

But He hates his cousins, and he hates when his parents fight…

Why can’t they just love each other?

Was it really that hard?

~~~Blitzø~~~

Blitzø returned to greed to meet with his father as requested.

He knew whatever it was he was up to, wasn’t going to be good. He hasn’t even spoken with Cash since the incident. What could he possibly want to about now?

‘You did this, she’d still be alive if it wasn’t for you.’

No, it’s okay. It’s over….

Blitzø’s okay.

Blitzø walks into the tent without warning as Cash sat at a desk to collect his little profit.

“Blitzo.” Cash greeted with a sadistic smile. “You actually showed up, what a surprise.”

Blitzø crossed his arms. “Let’s get this over with quickly, alright? I have places to be.”

“Can’t even make time to talk with your own father?” Cash asks. “You alway we’re a disrespectful little shit.” He scolded.

Blitzø rolls his eyes. “Oh please, the best parenting you’ve done was on the stage, and even then it wasn’t very convincing.”

“You haven’t changed a bit, have you?” Cash asks, rolling his eyes aswell.

“I’ve changed plenty actually.” Blitzø explains, eyes going dark. “These days, when I shoot someone, I don’t fucking miss.”

Cash glares daggers at Blitzø. “I suggest you talk to me more respectfully, boy. I do have something you want after all.”

“Yeah? What might that be?” Blitzø asks.

“Information.” Cash smiles. “You want your employee back, well I know who took him.”

“I’m not sure if I believe you.” Blitzø says.

“His name is Moxxie knolasname, he has white hair, he’s short, loves night at the opera-“

“Doesn’t prove anything.” Blitzø says. “Also, it’s phantom of the…”

“Does this prove anything?” Cash asks. The older Imp grabs something from the dresser behind him and shows it to Blitzø.

Moxxie’s bow tie…? At least one of them. How did he-

Blitzø takes out his revolver. “I swear to fuck, if you hurt him…”

“Looks like you finally believe me, eh?” Cash laughs. “I really should just let this be, let you suffer and not tell you a thing about your stupid employee, especially after what you did to my Tilla and my beautiful circus all those years ago.”

Blitzø feels a pain in his gut, and his legs feel faint. “I didn’t-“

“Yes, the fuck you did, you little prick!” Cash yelled at him.

Blitzø’s heart pounded inside him, he’s resisted the urge to run, or rip this man’s head off. “It was an accident and you know that! An accident you caused in case you forgot! Which by the way, if you didn’t sell me to stupid birds, you wouldn’t have had a circus to burn down anyway!”

“You could never let that go, could ya? You know you loved it, you manipulative whore!” Cash scolded. “You always had to use other people to get what you wanted, I just capitalized on it.”

“That’s not true…” Blitzø says.

He hoped it wasn’t…

“That’s why you were with Fizzarolli, wasn’t it?” Cash asks. “So he’d make you look good, he’d benefited you.”

“No!” Blitzø says. “I was with him because I love him-“ Blitzø hears himself and lowers his voice, “loved. I mean loved him.” He corrects softly.

Fuck.

Of course he can finally admit it, now that they’re not together. Why couldn’t he just tell Fizz how he felt before?

“And what about that demon prince? Stolas right? The one you constantly complained about, the one I sold you too?” Cash asks.

“It’s a mutual agreement.” Blitzø says, arms crossed.

“Of course it is.” Cash scoffs.

“We’re not dating, it’s nothing serious.” Blitzø says. “But we both know that. I’m not manipulating him and he’s not manipulating me. I’m not you!”

Cash laughs. “Sure you’re not. I’m sure you both have good intentions.

“We do, not that it’s any of your fucking business!” Blitzø says.

Cash chuckles. “Maybe it’s not, but it will be.”

Blitzø growls. “The fuck is that supposed to mean? If you think you can just-“

“Ah-ah.” Cash interrupted. “Daddy’s speaking now, little one. Unless you’d rather not know where he is.” Cash condescendingly remarks.

Blitzø sits down and crosses his arms again.

Unfortunately, cash is right. Blitzø needs answers.

He can’t just leave Moxxie to deal with this alone.

“That’s a good boy. I thought maybe to let you watch as they killed the little bitch boy, but then I realized I could benefit from this. You have something I want, I have something you want.”

Blitzø didn’t like where this is going…

Cash then grabs a pile of papers and hands it to Blitzø.

Blitzø’s eyes widen as he looks the papers over. “You want I.M.P?”

“No, what I want is money, but I don’t suppose you have that, do you?” Cash asks.

When Blitzø doesn’t answer, Cash continues: “It’s a pretty simple contract, you give me I.M.P and all its assets, you and your employees will work for me for the remainder of your pathetic lives, and I will tell you where the little shit is located. We got a deal?”

Blitzø exhales deeply…

This can’t be happening…

~~~Mille~~~

Millie knocked on the door to what she assumed was Moxxie’s aunt’s house.

She had no clue what she was doing, but had confidence in her ability to convince herself she knows what she’s doing.

The door opens and a tall woman with long dark hair answers: “Hello? Can I help you?”

“Hi, my name is Millie. I’m looking for the family of Moxxie knowlasname.” She says.

“Moxxie?” The lady asks. “Like Kay and Crimson’s kid?”

“Yes.” Millie says.

“And who exactly are you?”

“Millie, I’m his wife.” She says.

The woman smiled, then pulled Millie inside the house before she could say more. “Well, why didn’t you say so, come in darlin’ let me make you somethin. I’m Liz, Moxxie’s favorite aunt.” She says.

“Nice to meet you.” She says. Millie walks in the house, following Liz. Something about her rubbed Millie the wrong way, she found herself eager to leave. “Look, I don’t have much time to chat, you see, Moxxie is missing, and he-“

“How long have you and Moxxie been together?” Liz asks, as if Millie hadn’t said a thing.

“Did you not hear what I just-“

“I heard you, we’ll get back to it.” Liz says. “Answer the question.”

Millie raises an eyebrow. “Uhm, okay. Well, we’ve been together for almost three years now. Married for only a year and a half.” Millie explains.

Liz nods. “Wow. Well, congratulations. I can’t say I’m not disappointed that I wasn’t invited, but I suppose under your circumstances I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“What circumstances are those?” Millie asks.

“Well, his family. You know his dad is into some dirty dealings, don’t you?”

“Yes. But Moxxie cut ties with those people.” She says.

“Oh, sweetie. If you think he’s not involved in that business, you’re in denial.”

“Guess I am then, because he isn’t.” Millie says, crossing her arms.

“Sure, hun.” Liz says.

“He isn’t!”

“Alright. How long has Moxxie been missing?” Liz asks.

“He was taken two days ago.” Millie says.

“How do you know Moxxie was taken?” Liz asks. “You sure he didn’t just leave?”

“Of course he didn’t leave, Moxxie would never just leave me.” Millie says.

“You sure? Not even to protect you?” Liz asks.

Millie thought about it…

He wouldn’t…would he?

Well, he didn’t tell her about his father, or

No! His phone was smashed, and he would have left a note…

He would never hurt Millie…

“You’re trying to distract me, and it won’t work, I will find him wether you want me to or not!” Millie says. “And if I find him here, I will kill you.” She snarls.

Liz doesn’t look scared. “I’m sorry, dear. You may look all you like. Don’t forget the attic and the cellar.” Liz says.

Millie glares at her. “Thanks.”

~~~Millie, Past~~~

Millie didn’t use to believe in fate. She didn’t believe in soulmates or one true love. She didn’t believe in meant to be’s.

She believed hard work earned you everything, this was something drilled into her from a very young age.

But then, she met Moxxie.

“Mildred, get in here!” Her mother shouted.

“Yes, Mama?” Millie asks as she made her way downstairs.

“Your teacher called. She said you beat up a kid at your school.” Lynn says. “Is that true?”

“He called me a messy haired bitch!” She says. “I had to show him who was boss!”

“That’s no excuse, young lady. You get too carried away. Now they’re demanding we handle the medical bill. When will you learn? You fight fire with fire. Not gasoline?” Lynn asks.

“But he deserved it!” Millie says.

“It wasn’t a fist fight, Millie. If they insult you with words, you fire back with words. Got that?”

“Yes, Ma.” Millie mumbles, arms crossed.

“Honestly, what are we gonna do with you? You’re worse than your brothers.” Lynn tisks. “You’re going to be paying us back every dime of this.” She says.

“But-“

“No arguing, get upstairs and take some time to think about what you did.” Lynn demanded.

Millie stomps upstairs to her and her sister’s room.

“It’s not fair, I always get in trouble!” She says. “How come you don’t?” Millie asks.

“Because,” her younger sister shrugs. “I’m better than you.”

“You’re not better than me!” Millie says.

“Ugh, yes, I am!” Sally says.

“Nah uh!”

“Uh huh!”

“Yes, and besides he’s right. Your hair is messy.” She says. “It’s gross.”

Millie’s blood boils. “You’re gross! You seriously want to fight me? You want to get what he got?”

“Bring it, sis. Let’s settle this once and for all.” Sally challenges.

“You’re on!” Millie says.

~~~Moxxie, past~~~

“Roxxie, let go of your sister!” Moxxie could hear from inside. He never understood his cousins, they were loud, they ran around, they fought. Why did they find that enjoyable? What was the point? People just get hurt.

“Not until she says uncle!” Roxxie shouts.

“Oww! Mom!”

“Knock it off you too! Your aunt Kay will be here any minute!”

“Mom?” Moxxie asks, tugging on his mother’s sleeve. “Do we have to go in there?” He asks.

“Come on, Chip. Don’t you want to see your family?” His mother asks.

Suddenly they hear a loud ‘crash!’

“Roxxie, Trixxie!” His aunt shouted.

“She did it!” The twins shout.

“Not really.” Moxxie answers.

“Come on, chip. It’ll be fun.” His mother promised, taking his hand and knocking on the door.

Moxxie sighs. “Yes, mama.”

“Aunt Kay!” The twins shouted, hugging their aunt, then they both hugged Moxxie.

Moxxie just sorta stood there while the twins hugged him. The twins were just full of excitement, he wasn’t sure how to respond to it; hhis entire body just froze.

“Hello, Moxxie.” His aunt Liz greets.”

“Hi.” Moxxie says nonchalantly, just staring and forcing himself to keep eye contact.

“Lively as ever I see.” Liz says sarcastically before turning her attention to her sister. “Hey, sis.”

Moxxie’s mother hugs her sister. “It’s been ages.”

They said more, but Moxxie couldn’t concentrate on that, his cousins were chatting and talking to Moxxie about certain events in wrath; But it was hard to pay attention, hard to register, there was too much going on at once, his body wanted nothing more than to disappear, or just go home.

Suddenly aunt Liz picked up Kayla their youngest child and leaned over to Moxxie. “Kyla, can you say hi to Moxxie?” Liz asks her in a babyish tone.”Can you say hi?

The one year old only stared at Moxxie who stared back.

“Hi Kayla.” Moxxie says. Not sure why Liz wanted this, Kayla probably wouldn’t remember this interaction from being too young, and Kayla can’t talk so Moxxie receives nothing from this interaction.

Liz smiles, “come in, I have sweet tea.” She says to Kay. “Roxxie, Trixxie, play nice now.” She says.

“Come on, Moxxie! Let’s play capture the flag!” Roxxie says.

“Mom?” Moxxie asks desperately, he doesn’t want to play with his cousins.

But: “Go play, chip.” Is what his mother ordered.

Moxxie sighs. He doesn’t want to, but he does as she says. He’s not sure why his mom insisted on forcing him to interact with his cousins, they’re have nothing in common.

Honestly, Moxxie would rather be at home. What if something bad happened? What if Sir needed them?

What if Moxxie did something wrong, and he wasn’t there to explain himself?

He didn’t want to be in trouble when they got back.

“Moxxie!” Roxxie calls. “Come on!”

~~~Moxxie, past, Later~~

“Moxxie! There’s a huge mud fight happenin’ over by hudson’s barn. Wanna come with?” Roxxie asks him.

“No.” Moxxie answers, not looking up from his book.

“Mox, go outside and play.” His mother ordered, taking the book from him.

“Wait, I’m not done with that!” Moxxie complains, trying to reach for the book again.

“You need some sunshine, it’s good for you.” His mother says. She sets the book down without a bookmark… Great, now he’ll have to start the chapter over again.

“But they’re playing in mud.” Moxxie argues softly.

“Then go get muddy! It builds character.” She says.

“Reading builds character.” Moxxie mumbles grumpily.

“Moxxie, I’m not going to tell you again.” She says sternly. “Go!”

“Okay, okay.” He surrendered. “I’ll go.”

“Drop the attitude, Moxxie. I’m doing this for your own good.” She says.

Moxxie didn’t believe her

~~~Moxxie~~~

Crimson left shortly after their conversation, knowing Moxxie wouldn’t dare cross him after threatening Blitzø and Millie.

So, with nothing left to do, he went to his room…

And he stayed there for hours.

Crimson knew exactly what to do to make Moxxie listen.

He threatened good people, people he loved.

He’ll never see them again…

Never take part in Blitzø’s idiotic schemes,

Never quarrel with Loona,

He’ll never kiss Millie again… It’s all over for them.

His life is over.

There’s a knock on the door, but Moxxie doesn’t answer, he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t care who it is!

But, the door opens regardless.

Moxxie sighs. “What do you want?” He asks, knowing exactly who it was.

Alessio steps closer. “Are you alright?”

“What do you care? You would have shot me in cold blood.” Moxxie mumbles.

“You brought this on yourself, you know. You know what happens to those who cross Crimson.” Alessio says.

“How exactly is me living crossing him?” Moxxie asks.

“You ran away.” Alessio answers.

“Maybe, but what’s so wrong with me being happy for a change?” Moxxie asks. “I got everything I could ever dream of. I worked hard and life got so much better for me the second I stepped out of this stupid fucking house!” He shouted. “Away from you, and away from him!”

“There are more important things in this life than mere happiness, Moxxie.” Alessio says. “Like family for instance-“

“Like my wife you forced me to abandon?” Moxxie asks.

“You want her to join us instead?” Alessio asks. “You are not like them, you’re different.” Alessio says.

Moxxie’s eyes fill up once again with tears. He hates this, hates this life, hates his father, and Alessio!

Moxxie shakes his head. “What are you even doing here?” Moxxie asks, not knowing how to respond to Alessio.

“Your father asked me to inform you that lunch is being served.” Alessio says.

Moxxie shakes his head again. “I don’t care.”

“Moxxie-“

“I’m not hungry.” Moxxie says. “Please leave me alone?”

“Very well.” Alessio agrees, walking towards the door.

Moxxie crosses his arms, and turns away from Alessio.

“Your life isn’t over, Moxxie.” Alessio says. “It has only resumed.”

“Al?” Moxxie’s asks.

Alessio turns to look at Moxxie.

“Why does he want me here?” Moxxie asks him. “Why couldn’t he just leave me alone?”

“That’s a question for him.” Alessio says. “Don’t you think?”

“He won’t tell me anything.” Moxxie says.

“Then perhaps you simply don’t need to know.” Alessio says, closing the door behind him as he exited Moxxie’s room.

~~~Millie~~~

Millie was trying to not be irritated at Liz. She kept going on about her sister, saying that Moxxie must have left with the mafia and Millie wasn’t going to find him.

No wonder Moxxie never introduced them, Liz is crazy.

“Crimson almost never let her visit, he hit her, he was always extremely possessive. And I’m sure he is doing the same thing to Moxxie. He had been since he was a young’n, he never was very strong.” She says.

Millie growls. “Moxxie is the strongest person I know!” She says. Liz doesn’t reply, and Millie can’t find anything in the house, she practically tore it upside down and found nothing. She was about to just leave when three imps walked into the house.

They were chatting. Two adults. And one that was in their late-teens it seemed.

“Girls- I mean, daughters and non-binary offspring.” Liz greets. “Meet Millie.”

The trio paused to look at her.

“These are my kids, Roxxie, Trixx, and Kayla.” Liz says.

Trixx, the gray haired Imp smiles awkwardly. “Sup.”

“Hi.” Kayla, the youngest one says.

“What’s going on?” Roxxie, the dark haired imp asks.

“This is Moxxie’s wife Millie. You remember Moxxie, right?” Liz asks them.

“Of course.” Roxxie says.

“Sure.” Trixx says.

While the youngest one shook her head in confusion.

Roxxie shakes Millie’s hand. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you Millie.” She says.

“Who’s Moxxie?” Kayla asks.

“You were too young to remember him.” Trixx says. “Is Moxxie okay? Did something happen?”

“Moxxie’s missing.” Millie explains. “I’m sorry, I can’t stay. I have to find him.” She says, trying desperately to leave without sounding rude.

“Millie, he’s probably with his father.” Liz says again.

“We’ve established this, we checked there. He’s not with Crimson!” Millie says loudly.

Liz takes Millie’s hand. “Moxxie isn’t coming back, Millie! Not if he knows what’s good for him.” Liz says. “Let him go…”

“Mom!” Trixx scolds.

“What the fuck are y’all even talking about?” Kayla asks.

While Roxxie’s eyes widened with intrigue, she stayed silent.

Millie shakes her head. “You don’t know him. He’d never give up on me. He loves me!” Millie says. “And I wouldn’t give up on him either.”

“He’s one of them, Mildred. I know, I went through it with my sister. He wouldn’t want you to share her fate.” Liz says.

“Well, you don’t need to worry about me, I can take care of myself.” Millie says, heading to the door.

“I know about these things, Millie. Trust me! They go after what they want! No mercy or exceptions!” Liz explains. “Love can’t save you from them.”

“You’re wrong.” Millie says, walking out and slamming the door behind her.

Moxxie would never leave her…

He couldn’t.

~~~Millie: past~~~

Millie and her siblings were engaged in the mud fight of the century! Kids from all around were joining in.

It was a blast!

Suddenly, a trio of imps caught Millie’s attention.

Two dark haired imps, and one with white hair.

“Come on Moxxie!” One of them shouted.

“I’m coming!” He said, trying to keep up with them.

Then he slipped, falling backwards into the mud.

But the other two kept running, didn’t even look back.

Millie knew what it was like to be left behind, so she approached him. “Need help?” Millie asks, offering her hand.

Moxxie looks her up and down, then takes her hand and allows her to help him. “Thanks.”

“I’m Millie!” She says.

“Uh…Moxxie.” He says.

“Nice to meet you, Moxxie! I’m playing war with my brothers, wanna be on my team?” She asks.

“Uhm-“ Moxxie rubs his arm anxiously. “Well I don’t really-“

Suddenly Moxxie is hit with some mud, and he recoils.

Millie grabs his arm and leads him to her earthworks to hide behind.

“You good for nothin’ scoundrel!” Millie grabbed a glob of mud and threw it in her sister’s direction.

“You stupid bitch!” She shouted back.

“Come on, Moxxie!” Millie shouts. “It’s fun!”

“What’s fun about throwing mud at people? Wouldn’t throwing grenades or something be more effective?” Moxxie asks.

“Probably.” Millie says, “but, I can’t kill my own brother (sister).”

“I see.” Moxxie says. “But, it’s important for you to win this mud fight regardless?” He asks.

“Yeah, I gotta teach him (her) a lesson, he (she) thinks he’s (she’s) so much better than me! Can you believe that?” Millie asks.

“Hmm,” Moxxie thinks. “I think I might have an idea.” Moxxie says to her.

“Really?” She asks.

“Yeah, you helped me, so I supposed I should help you.” Moxxie says.

“What is it?” She asks.

Moxxie smiles and proceeds to show Millie how to make a bomb out of random stuff he found, as well as some parts he brought with him.

Instead of anything dangerous though, they were made to splatter mud everywhere.

Safe to say, Millie won the mud fight thanks to Moxxie’s assistance.

And it was so fucking worth it, even if everyone there was completely covered in mud.

And even if Moxxie slipped and broke his arm afterwards…

Yeah…

The siblings gathered around Moxxie to ask about the bombs he made, Moxxie feeling overwhelmed by them slipped and fell on his arm which made it break.

That was the first time Millie saw an actual bone sticking out of someone’s body.

And Moxxie seemed more annoyed by the injury then upset.

His cousins ran to get their moms.

So, Millie sat with him until they showed up to help.

She refused to leave him alone.

She told him all sorts of stories while he just sat there holding his broken arm.

Millie talked about home, she talked about school,

“And that’s why you should never play football on a golf course, I’ve never really understood golf, why should the lower points win? That’s just silly- wait, I’m not talking too much, am I? My Ma and pa say I always get carried away, I don’t try to but I just do!” She says.

Moxxie shakes his head. “You can talk all you want. I like it. You have a nice voice.”

She smiles and him, and he smiles back, and she continued until his mom showed up to help.

~~~Present~~~

Moxxie always had her back… he always supported her.

And she was never going to leave him alone. He was going to be safe and sound and that’s final!

“Millie?!” Called Trixx who ran out of the house.

“Oh…hi.” Millie says.

“I’m so sorry about my mom. She’s been through a lot.” Trixx says. “I still follow Moxxie’s socials, he seems like a decent guy.” They say.

Millie smiles and nods. “Thanks. He is.”

“I hope you find him. Call me if I can help at all.” Trixx handed her a card with a number.

“Thank you.” She says.

“Of course, Moxxie has always been nice to me. He was the first person to text me when I came out. He’s always been supportive. I hope mom is wrong.”

“I almost wish she wasn’t, I’d have a chance at finding him.” Millie says.

Trixx nods. “Yeah… So, where you gonna look next?”

Millie shakes her head. “I don’t know, any ideas?”

Trixx shakes their head. “I haven’t seen him in years.”

“Well, thanks anyway.”

“Good luck, Millie.” Trixx says. “Tell him hi when you find him.”

Millie smiles. “I will.”

~~~Moxxie, past~~~

Moxxie was leaving the next day, and for once he was upset about it.

The harvest moon festival was going on, so Moxxie walked as far away from it as he could to read.

The noise was just too much. So he found a tree, where it was quiet.

Moxxie didn’t like quiet much, but on rare occasions he found the pleasure in it

“Moxxie! I found you!” A voice shorted.

“Millie! Hi!” He smiles, abandoning his book to give her his full attention.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Can I sign your cast?” Millie asks him, already holding up a marker she had brought herself. “Please?”

Moxxie smiles and gives her his arm so she can. “Of course.”

“Thanks. I wanted to properly thank you for helping me win.” She says.

“Oh, you’re welcome. It was fun actually.” Moxxie says. “I’ll say!” Millie says. “What started the mud fight anyway?” Moxxie asks her.

Millie sighs. “I dunno, I was angry and got carried away.” She says. “A boy at school…he said I was a messy haired bitch. I hate him.” She says, “and no one disagrees with him… I guess he’s right and maybe I overreacted.” Millie says.

“I don’t think you overreacted.” Moxxie says. “And you have nice hair.”

Millie smiles. “You think so?”

“Yeah, it’s nice.” Moxxie shrugs. “And you’re nice too.”

“No, I’m not.” She scoffs.

“You helped me up, no one else did.” He says.

“I guess that’s true.” Millie says. “I think you were very brave out there.” She says.

“Me?” Moxxie asks.

“Yeah! Your arm broke and you didn’t even cry! My brothers probably would have, that looked awful painful. Not me though, I’m tough.”

Moxxie chuckled. “Oh, well…I’ve broken it before. It didn’t hurt that much.” He says.

“Still cool though. Where did you move here from anyway?” Millie asks. “I assume you’re not from here on account of you being so different then most folks around here.”

“I’m from Greed, we’re only visiting. We’re going home tomorrow actually.” Moxxie explains.

“Oh.” Millie says sadly. “Will you ever come back to wrath?” She asks.

“Yeah, we visit every year.” He says.

“You can visit me next year…if you want.” Millie suggests.

“I’d love to.” Moxxie smiles.

Millie and Moxxie continued to talk. Despite loving the festival, Millie didn’t regret spending the rest of the day with Moxxie.

He really was so different then the other kids around here…

And she liked that.

~~~Blitzø~~~

“Stolas, I really can’t talk right now.” Blitzø says as he answered the phone. He told Cash he needed some time to think it over, and luckily he agreed. But, now Blitzø was left with a stupidly impossible choice!

“You can never talk, Blitzø! You’re always ready with an excuse, please stop trying to avoid it and just talk to me?” Stolas asks.

Blitzø hates how much Stolas knows him. “Stolas, I-“

“I promise no one is judging you.” Stolas says. “You don’t have to be embarrassed based on a little meltdown.”

Blitzø sighs, he should have known Stolas would eventually put two and two together.

A little meltdown is an understatement, he’s had multiple meltdowns, none as bad as this one…

Honestly, Blitzø was embarrassed…and confused about what happened afterwards- maybe even a little scared…

But that didn’t matter now. Stolas didn’t need to know how upset he was over that.

What he doesn’t know won’t kill him. Besides, he’s got a real reason to avoid the bird this time.

“This isn’t about that.” He says to Stolas.

And it wasn’t…kinda wasn’t at least- he hated that it happened, but he was willing to let it go until he and Stolas talked and it made everything worse.

‘I want to give you all the love you deserve.’

He was just so nice! He cared so much!

Too much…

“Then why have you been avoiding me?” Stolas asks. “Every time we talk, you have an excuse. Just talk to me, don’t you think I deserve that at least?” He asks.

He does, Blitzø owes a lot to Stolas. Stolas has done everything he can for Blitzø… he at least deserves the truth. “Okay, maybe it was because of that- before- but not because of what happened…”

“What do you mean?” Stolas asked.

Blitzø realized that lying may be his best option now, he can’t risk loosing or hurting Stolas. “I just- I needed some time to get over it… but now- it’s about Moxxie.”

“Moxxie? Your employee?” Stolas asks.

“He’s missing.” Blitzø confirms.

“Oh dear, that is troubling.” Stolas says.

“Yeah.”

“Any idea where he might be?” Stolas asks him.

“We have a lead, but I’m not sure if I trust it.” Blitzø explains.

“I’m sorry.” Stolas says. “I had no idea-“

“It’s fine.” Blitzø says.

Stolas sighs. “I am sorry, I should have given you space-“ Stolas sighs. “I thought maybe after our conversation-“

“Stolas, it’s fine. You haven’t been bothering me. I just don’t know how to communicate…that’s all.”

“I promise I’ll do better, just tell me if you need space before, and I’ll give it to you…I just-“

Blitzø was about to interrupt, but he was interested in what Stolas had to say…

“I thought maybe you were mad at me…I thought I messed up and you were upset and avoiding me.” Stolas explains.

“I wasn’t mad, okay? You were helping me.” Blitzø says.

“I tried…” Stolas says. “But, you were still so upse-“

“Stolas, we’re good! Next time I’ll tell you. I’m sorry I made you worry.” Blitzø says.

“It’s alright.” Stolas says. “I know that wasn’t your intention.”

Blitzø sighs again, he needs to get off the phone, but he doesn’t want to…

What was wrong with him?

“Would you like some assistance in finding Moxxie?” Stolas asks.

“What?” Blitzø asks.

“I asked if you needed help, I have some connections that may be useful.” Stolas offers.

Blitzø considers it, maybe he can ask Stolas’s help with the situation…

Stolas has already done too much, he can’t take advantage of him. “No, we don’t need anything, Stolas. We’re fine.”

“Keep me updated?” Stolas asks.

“Yeah.” He hangs up the phone and drops his head…

What the fuck was he going to do?

~~~Moxxie:~~~

What’s he going to do when Millie and Blitzø find him?

They are looking for him…right?

They wouldn’t just- give up.

Moxxie wanted to cry. He didn’t want them to give up. But what was the use in hoping if they’ll be rejected and cast away even if they find Moxxie.

He’ll be foced to watch as everyone he loves is taken away-

Just like before.

He felt like a child again…

He was acting like a child again…

Why can’t he just grow the fuck up and move on?

He couldn’t though… if he were anywhere else, he’d

But he felt so small, so weak.

He felt like a scared child again, he wanted his mom to help him the way she used to.

“You can’t possibly have nothing left for me.” Moxxie says to her as if she were listening somehow from beyond the grave. “You must have some words left, some guidance..”

Moxxie walks over to the window and looked to the sky.

They say Imps don’t have an afterlife- but they have to have something…right?

“What do you want me to do, mom? Please-please just tell me what to do and I’ll do it!” He begged. “You were always so good at that…”

But she doesn’t answer him…

She’s not there…

Or- or maybe she was ignoring him…

The way she used to when she was mad…

Was she mad at him? Because-

Moxxie’s mind is turned back to the cast-

“No…”

~~~Past~~~

Moxxie and his mother got back from their trip to wrath.

Crimson have got one look at the cast and flipped out. “What the fuck is this?” He asks, grabbing Moxxie’s arm.

“There was an incident. But he’s fine.” She says.

“He’s not fine! If he was fine, he wouldn’t be wearing a cast on his arm, would he?” Crimson asks.

“Relax, Crimson. He had some fun for a change.”

“That’s the last time I’m letting you take him to wrath, I didn’t sleep with you just so you could break our kid.”

“I’m breaking him? Really? He breaks his arm all the time!” She says.

“Yeah! Here, where it’s safe to do so!” Crimson says. “I don’t need him breaking it when he’s that far from home!”

Moxxie went to his room, he doesn’t want to hear his parents fight anymore.

~~~Later~~~

His mother walks into Moxxie’s room as he was drawing something in his notebook.

“Chip?”

“Yes, mama?”

“Did you have a good time?”

“The best time!” Moxxie says.

“You really liked Millie, hm?” She asks.

“Yeah, she was cool.” Moxxie says. “She told me where her house is so I can visit her next time, see?” Moxxie shows his mother a map he drew himself that went from his aunts house to Millie’s house.

“I do see.” His mother says. “That’s very impressive, Chip.”

Moxxie turns back to his notebook, finishing the details of the house.

“You know, I knew her mother Lynn in highschool. We weren’t really friends or anything, but I knew of her. They comes from a really nice family.” She says.

Moxxie smiles, but then notices his mom wasn’t…

His smile deflates. “What’s wrong, Mama?” He asks.

“Sweetie, you must promise me something: You can’t let her get caught up in this.”

“Caught up in what?” He asks.

“All this, your family. You can’t see her again, Chip.” She says. “I’m sorry, but you can’t. You’ll ruin her life.”

Moxxie’s eyes widen.

He doesn’t want to ruin Millie’s life.

“I know you’re very young, and it’s hard to understand now. But. Please promise me, Moxxie?”

“I promise…” Moxxie says.

~~~present~~~

“You can’t be mad at me about that…” he says to his mother like she was still there. Tears pour down Moxxie’s face more and more at the realization that he may have disappointed her. “No- You’re not allowed to be mad at me! Just because you couldn’t be happy doesn’t mean I don’t get to be! I needed her, it was too much to ask of me!”

Moxxie sits down on the floor and curled up to himself. “You don’t know what it was like, I was just a kid, taking care of you! Doing everything you ever asked of me- everything he asked me… I’m allowed to be selfish for once!” He says.

Did he really ruin Millie’s life like she said? Did he hurt and abandon the woman he loved?

Was she going to be okay now that Moxxie’s not there?

He wiped the tears from his eyes, and he curls up against the corner of his room.

‘Please don’t be mad at me, mama…I’m sorry.'

It was like she was leaving him all over again.

Notes:

‘Family said that I decided to live a loveless life Is it my fault we stay divided? 'Cause I got too much pride?’ ~The family Jewels, Marina and the diamonds.

~~~ Notes: I’m so sorry this took me so long. I swear I was working hard to get it done, but it wasn’t coming out the way I wanted it to.

Hopefully the hard work paid off and the chapter is decent enough.

I know this is probably not how M&M met, but I had this idea and for some reason couldn’t see it any other way…idk.

Lol lmk how you’d imagine M&M met, I got a feeling it may have been an enemies to lovers dynamic. (Or maybe I just hope that cuz’ it’s so funny to me that these perfect lovers were once enemies. Lol.)

Hope to update soon, next chapter will have more sharks. love you guys! Taglist: @todayimfour

#itty bitty imps #helluva boss age regression #helluva boss #Little!Moxxie #Helluva boss Moxxie #Helluva boss Crimson #father knows best

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incorrigible-groupie · 3 years

Text

Wow, this analysis of the last episode of Helluva Boss went way further that I wanted…

« Blitzo is in love with Stolas !!! »

What.

Hell no.

No no no no.

Did we watch the same show ?

Even since the pilot we know the « relationship » between them is an arrangement more than a love story. I mean, Blitzo doesn’t swoon about Stolas, doesn’t think about Stolas and only talks about Stolas when he remembers he needs the book, he freaking spent some time with him only because he was paid (you know… when he went to Loo Loo Land ?). He shows more compassion towards Moxxie (while treating him like sh*t) than towards Stolas, for Satan’s sake he went to the Harvest Moon Festival only because Millie’s family was there.

Did you see Blitzo’s face when Striker aimed at Stolas ? And then the F*CKING TERROR ON HIS FACE WHEN STRIKER AIMED AT MOXXIE ??? Blitzo was ready to tear an arm appart with his own teeth. But for Stolas ? Meh.

So no, Blitzo isn’t in love with Stolas.

And episode 6 proved that.

DISCLAIMER : The following post is nothing against Stolitz shippers obviously, especially because both characters are great and badass but I really think their feelings aren't synchronized and therefore their relationship isn't completely healthy. They could have a nice one... but not yet. And most importantly, the hallucination scene isn’t about Stolas. Let me explain why I believe that.

« Did you see the golden feathers that put Blitzo back to himself ? »

Oh you mean the golden feathers that turned into chains and that Stolas took to bring Blitzo to his feet ?

Yeah, I saw them.

Of course I saw them.

This is exactly what I expected how Blitzo sees his « relationship » with Stolas, this is exactly the thing that proves that I was right all along.

Blitzo doesn’t love Stolas, he is only with him because he has to.

And with what happened before the stair scene, I know now why.

Blitzo feels like trash, still feels like trash, maybe because of his older relationships, probably because he is from the lowest of the low (working in a circus, then a little bit higher when dating a pop star…).

Did we watch the same show ?

The show that talks a lot about inequality between castes, the show that talks a lot about how difficult it was for Blitzo to make his own company, made from scratch ???

Striker, IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE, made an entire statement about how Blitzo is underestimated and Blitzo felt it. He was very close to accept to go with him… but he needed to protect his « easiest lanky ticket to Earth ».

Stolas is just a tool for Blitzo to get what he wants. At first, I thought it was because he is searching for something in Earth (and uses the missions as a distraction). But now, I think it’s about something more important : power. Stolas’ feathers have nothing to do with his « transformation », it just shows that Blitzo wears a mask, a costume, a cleaner suit to pretend he isn’t like trash, that he wasn’t trash, that he will not go back to trash.

Whatever it takes.

« Yeah but the figures that are fanning Stolas in such a caring way… »

You mean more like slaves ?

Again, castes, stairs, chains, fanning ? You see a metaphor of love, I see a metaphor of slavery. That’s really disturbing. This is a representation of how Blitzo feels towards Stolas and gosh I’m so worried about him, and them. This is about power.

« But he is climbing towards him ! He wants him ! »

No. He doesn’t want to go to Stolas. He wants to climb those stairs. He wants to go higher. He wants to stay away from the trash. This is about power.

« But the chains… »

I hate those chains.

This is about power.

THIS IS ABOUT POWER.

« No. I think this is about fear. I think he fears to be rejected, so he bound himself to someone, but he also fears of commitment… »

…

Fears of commitment ?

Blitzo ?

What the hell ?

Are we talking about the boss who is not afraid to show (not say, but SHOW) how deeply he cares about his employees ? Are we talking about the demon who adopted Loona and says to everyone that he loves his daughter ? Are we talking about the Blitzo who shares his passions everywhere even on Instagram ? You think someone who is afraid to be rejected would be afraid to commit ? He knows how to express his feelings, he even lies to make the ones he loves happy (yes, I’m talking about Moxxie’s taste in music, duh).

And he does talk about his relationship with Stolas, but do you remember how he calls it ? A transaction.

The book in exchange of passionate fornication.

Nothing more, nothing less.

When people says that Stolas is his boyfriend, Blitzo denies it because he doesn’t want to be seen as just a lover, just a partner, he doesn’t want to have an image of a demon who had success because he is lucky an higher being felt in love with him.

No.

He planned that.

He organized that. He slept with Stolas to stole the book, he still sleeps with Stolas FOR the book.

That demon has ambition that is not related to love.

« Have you even listened to what Blitzo’s subconscience said ? »

… Actually no, not really.

I’m sorry.

English isn’t my native language so it was harder than usual to understand ‘Moxxie’ gibberish (also, I was tripping balls listening to Brandon Rogers playing everyone voices).

I started this all post while not considering what was said, I only listened to my guts which twisted while watching Blitzo being chained because of Stolas.

I’m sorry. I may be wrong…

… But I never believed Blitzo loved Stolas and I won’t start now.

So how can I explain how what is showed and what is saying are related ?

Maybe because Blitzo is scared to be put on a pedestal in his friends minds whereas what he is doing with Stolas isn’t completely right. But he must do it for a reason. Like I said, that demon has ambition.

This is about power.

I think Blitzo has a goal in mind (which he wasn’t able to obtain alone, like Robot Beetlejuice said), a goal he will gain by sacrificing the respect his friends have for him.

You know… whatever it takes.

I think he knows he will disappoint them so he wants to enjoy his remaining time with them while not getting too close to them so the fall won’t be that hard.

« So you agree ? Blitzo is in love with Stolas but can’t make it real. »

Still no.

For all the reason I said before, Blitzo doesn’t seem attached to Stolas. It’s not that he hates him but he doesn’t really care that much.

« Or he pretends he doesn’t care, after all Moxxie said… »

Yes.

Moxxie.

Wait a second.

It started with Moxxie.

This entire scene isn’t about Stolas and Blitzo relationship, it’s about Blitzo and Moxxie.

« I’m torturing you in your own hallucination. »

(Yep, I have access to the dialogues, you can’t stop me now.)

You are right, it shows Blitzo’s fear : his fear not be a good friend to Moxxie. How could he ? His past relationships were garbage, even recently he hired someone how wasn’t trustworthy, and he’s currently having an affair with someone he doesn’t really like.

I said earlier that the golden feathers put Blitzo into a clean costume, a disguise no one is supposed to see through.

Except that Moxxie does.

Moxxie knew all along that Blitzo is only pretending, Moxxie is more hurt when Blitzo isn’t honest with him than when Blitzo says awful comments to him.

Moxxie sees Blitzo with the broken heart on Blitzo’s forehead, exactly like how Blitzo sees himself.

Do they talk to each other while tripping ? Do they listen to each other ? Do they only hear what they want to hear ?

Because their thoughts are way too synchronized (Moxxie talking about how Blitzo pushes everyone away, Blitzo being at the top of some stairs…).

Maybe they do talk to each other and then have their own perception of this conversation in their minds :

Blitzo feeling it like accusations that burn his skin like golden feathers who shut him up and chain him and blind him so he will have to abandon everything he is and loves to obtain his goal, Moxxie believing it like their relationship can go higher and evolve and be fine and equal finally.

OH, AND THERE’S SOMETHING MORE : I know there is a theory about Moxxie being a fallen royalty and I think this episode showed that if it’s true, Blitzo knows, with how in his hallucination Moxxie eloquently talked and then transformed into a princess while climbing the stairs (without needing Stolas’ feathers).

Maybe that’s also why Blitzo doesn’t think he is worthy to be friend with Moxxie. And why he is angry at him : because he is jealous, Moxxie gave up everything Blitzo wanted for unknown reason (but probably for Millie, why annoys Blitzo even more not to mention that while Moxxie gave up power for an healthy relationship, Blitzo is craving for power by using an unhealthy one).

« Okay, let’s say that the hallucinations were about Moxxie and Blitzo. But… But THE KISS ! »

Oh yeah the kiss, let’s talk about that !

When Stolas goes to kiss Blitzo, our favorite demon pulls the king’s hair so it won’t happen and… Gosh he doesn’t want to be kissed by Stolas, does he ? I’m sorry but, no, this doesn’t feel right. I may not be an expert about romance but… what ?

This is about power.

Blitzo doesn’t hate having sex with Stolas, I mean, he thinks the role-plays are weird but he goes with it, and I think that’s because during the role-play he is always the one who dominates the other.

Just like with the kiss. The kiss happened only because Blitzo made it so.

It makes sense, those role-plays : Blitzo wants to forget he isn’t the one with power (which is why he made that sad face when he sees Stolas on his throne or when Stolas saves them because he is so strong and Blitzo maybe feel sad that he isn’t strong enough to protect his group, that he still needs the help of someone he knows will ask for compensation after ?), and Stolas wants to forget he is the one with power (and forget that his favorite imp probably doesn’t love him back so he lets him do whatever he wants to do to him and maybe he will fell in love ?).

Anyway.

I feel… No, I’m sure this all dream sequence is more about the power people have on Blitzo.

And power shouldn’t have something to do with love.

Maybe one day Stolas and Blitzo will put aside their differences, the huge gap between them, maybe they will realize that their ranks have a big impact on their relationship and THEN have a real, romantic, healthy one.

But for now seeing Stolas and Blitzo together is heartbreaking for me because one of them feels forced while the other is completely in love.

#helluva boss #stolas #blitzo #analysis #truth seekers #spoilers #moxxie #i'm the one seeking the truth right here #gosh what i am doing #going deep for an animated show #now i hope i'm right #the lore is hell

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palettepainter · 3 years

Note

for your ocs that are parents,who is most likely to freak out when they lose sight of their babies? (also hope you are doing well!)

Thanks! Mentally I’m not the best but asks like these let me think about funny stuff with OC’s so they make me feel a little better! Again I’ll just write a few for each of the randoms I’m in. I won’t be limiting this to OC’s as in MHA I have a few cannon x OC ships

Zoophobia:

-Zill and Kayla where both pretty paranoid parents. Zillia and Danial both inherited Zill’s powers, they where both already cautious when their kids where born so when their abilities kicked in things went from 0 to 100. Zillia as a child was very very good at climbing up things, but not so much when it came to climbing down. Zill spent most of his time rescuing Zillia from trees she’d gotten stuck in.

-Carrie didn’t take comments on caring for kids all that seriously, she’d raised a hell horse, how hard could one kid be?? Oh ho how wrong she was. When Carrie eventually adopted Cooper it was a real kick in the gut, she didn’t worry per say all the time but she did have her scares when she’d turn her back for all of three seconds, and then Cooper was gone

-Camilla and Snake. Camilla was the more fretting parent, more so when Coal came into the picture. Raising one littel boy was hard enough, now she had another little boy - ontop of that being a vampire - to raise. Things got pretty chaotic in the house. Thankfully Snake was a more strict parent and was able to get Basil and Coal to calm down quickly

Hazbin Hotel:

-Baxter was a nervous first time dad. Nifty was way more chill but Baxter was trying to baby proof like, everything. Like with Carrie having a kid was a real kick in the gut, all of a sudden he couldn’t have his dangerous lab equipment just laying around, he couldn’t let angel leave any weapons or let Alastor leave any voo-doo stuff laying about. Baxter eventually chills out but it took a lot of reassurance from Nifty

-Vaggie is naturally protective of friends, so that amped up when Iridescence was born. It didn’t help that she though Angel was a still very irresponsible, so despite the two not being married Vaggie did most of the actual parenting while Angel took the role of the fun loving father. Vaggie decided once day enough was enough and took Angel aside to slap some sense into him. It was a long process and Angel was bad at first, but soon enough the two are getting along and are raising Iridescence together

-Charlie. Giant. Fretting. Hen. The kind of mum to freak out when her kids have wondered off without her or are out longer then she said they could be. In my NGAU Charlie is a bit more mature and knowledgeable in that Hell is..well, Hell. She isn’t all sunshine happiness and rainbows like she is in the pilot, she’s matured and understands some people just sadly don’t want to change. She tries to be a fair mum and let Brinda and Junior have their freedom while also keeping them on a sharp leash for their own safety

Helluva boss:

-Only got Millie x Mooxie for now, maaay do a Vortex x Loona kiddo but don’t know yet. Moxxie. No questions asked. He is the worrying yet loving dad. In my NGAU I headcannon Mooxie can’t have kids, hence why he ends up being so dotting to ones he meets. Crash and Dash are either going to be adopted, or they get a donor. Crash and Dash are such asshats that do the most craziest stuff, Moxxie might have had a heart attack once or twice when the two first tried out skateboarding. Millie encourages Moxxie that they’re fine (and then reassured Moxxie again that they weren’t going to die from a small itty bitty scratch). Crash and Dash being their first kids Moxxie was naturally paranoid so obvs went a bit overboard at times, he chilled out a bit when they adopted Lucy, and is also thankful Lucy is a way more calm child then Crash and Dash

MHA:

-Erasermic: Alright hear me out. Aizawa is the more worrying parent. Like- this man’s gotta deal with a class of twenty something problem children, Shinsou, Eri and Mic (in my NGAU he and Mic adopt Shinsou and Eri, and Aizawa more often then not has to parent Mic to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid). This man worries, but is very good at hiding it. Mic and Aizawa have Joke labour their daughter, Kiku tended to wonder a bit when she was younger - mostly cuz she would see a cat and follow it not realizing she wondered out of her parents sight. Aizawa goes to look down to see if she’s still with him, child's gone, BOOM: Panic! With what Aizawa’s seen (with the USJ incident, training camp incident, rescuing Eri, and just everything else that’s happening in MHA right now) Aizawa knows the dangers of the world so he comes off as a biiit overprotective. Even when Kiku is 13 (her current age in my NGAU) Aizawa still watches over her to make sure she’s safe. He becomes less stressed by training with her, knowing she can defend herself if needed eases his worries a little

-Edgeshot x Ryukyu: Both are chill parents, Based on @erosspace headcannons Edgeshot lives far off from the city for privacy reasons. He and Ryukyu like the peace. Kakusu grew up very safe as a child and didn’t wonder off at all, generally a well behaved kid. However the day his quirk kicked in was the day his parents got a real fright. Kakusu’s quirk is camouflage, and when it first activated he unintentionally disappeared from his parents sight. He was meditating in the garden and because he was calm and relaxed his quirk activated for the first time, his parents turned the house upside down and where just about to call the police, when they searched outside and saw Kakusu. Kakusu’s quirk only works on his skin, so if he activates his clothes while dressed in normal clothes his clothes will give away where he is because they aren’t affected by his quirk. When Kakusu started to use his camouflage quirk to hide from taking a bath Edgeshot and Ryukyu made him wear an ankle bracelet with bells on it so they could always tell where he was

-Ectoloader: I am a firm believer that Powerloader worries a lot. He has to deal with Hatsume exploding his lab on a daily basis, this man probably developed some secret power to know when something bad is gonna happen so he is just prepared for anything. I also headcannon he knew Ectoplasm in his school days and was a huge supportive figure for Ecto when he lost his legs, so that event has also lead to him becoming very worried if family or friends get injured. Haiya is a hyperactive child 90% of the time, if he isn’t running around he’s sleeping or doing school work, theres no in-between. Ectoplasm is a stern yet chill parent, he put down the rules when needed but he still lets Haiya have fun. Powerloader tends to be a bit stricter with rules and can sometimes come off an harsh without realising, he’s so used to having to yell at Hatsume just to knock some sense into her that sometimes he can get carried away

#Ectoloader #Erasermic #Edgeshot x Ryukyu #Mooxie x Millie #Baxter x Nifty #Vaggie x Angel #Zill x Kayla #MHA #BNHA #Hazbin hotel #Helluva Boss #Zoophobia

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hazbincalifornia · 3 years

Text

Choice

Chapter 24: Blitzo goes back to work.

Warnings: As always, mpreg, and an IMP death relating to hanging.

Likes, replies, and reblogs are all appreciated, both here and on ao3!

Ao3 link

“Welcome back, Blitzo!” Millie smiled from her seat atop Loona’s desk as Blitzo threw the door to the office open. “I know it’s only been a couple of days, but I’m sure it-”

“Millz, love you to death, but put a sock in it before I do it for you,” he growled, eyes narrow and fists clenched tighter than a politician’s asshole as he chucked his already-drained iced coffee cup into the trash. Loona shuffled in behind him and dropped on the couch, pointedly focusing on her phone screen.

“Geez, who whizzed in your cereal? Something happen?” Millie blinked, bouncing herself up a bit on her seat to keep at his eye level. “Can we help?”

Moxxie emerged from Blitzo's office, shuffling papers. “We’ve managed the cases so far just fine, but I need you to sign off on-”

“You can sign my-” Blitzo sucked in a deep breath, pinching his forehead before letting it out. “Fine, everything’s fine.”

Moxxie raised an eyebrow. “I take it something went wrong. That, or you’re just sex-hungover. That can happen, you know-”

Millie cut him off with a click of her tongue, and his mouth snapped shut. “Moxxie, we don’t need the honeymoon story, I think somethin’s really wrong. He looks all slumpy, like a willow-weed in the r-”

“Can both of you lay off? I don't need the tag-team act right now.” Blitzo wove around Moxxie and his pile of paperwork to enter his office- the one that Moxxie shouldn't have been gallivanting in and out of. “You two deal with the client, I just really, really want to fucking shoot something, so tell me when the deal’s done, alright?”

Millie sucked in her cheek and Moxxie glanced over to her before his eyes flicked back to Blitzo, whose fingers twitched before he slammed the door in their faces.

_______________________

Three sharp knocks on the door. “Sir? It’s time to go, unless you want us to work by ourselves again. We’re more than capable-”

“No, I’m up, I’m up.” Blitzo scrubbed at his eyes- any attempts to fall asleep at his desk and make up for the complete lack of any kind of rest last night had been thoroughly thwarted by his brain going at a hundred miles an hour. (The coffee wasn’t to blame. Probably. He’d fallen asleep on way more than the piddly single one he’d downed in the past.) Mostly, it had been wanting to throttle Stolas mixed with wanting to throttle himself, and then imagining rapidly escalating scenarios of where he might be able to chuck the kid once they popped out. (Currently, he was at ‘trying to slingshot them up to Heaven just to see what they’d do with it.’ In all likelihood, it’d be crucifix batting practice.)

“It’s one that the client said might be suicidal, but she seemed quite self-important and thought that her boyfriend wouldn’t be able to live without her anyway, so I wouldn’t trust that.” The chair creaked as Blitzo got up, but if it was because it was a couple years old and salvaged from the back of the circus’s dump or because of the deadweight around his gut that had officially turned his shirt into a crop top was anybody’s guess.

As he entered the main room, Moxxie was rubbing a cloth over the musical note on the side of his gun, and Millie fussed with a length of rope while humming to herself.

“I’unno sugar, the client said he was kinda hefty…”

“We have other options if it breaks, and clients often exaggerate that sort of thing. Besides, it just needs to hold him long enough to snap the neck, or at least asphyxiate him. Then they’ll just assume it broke after he died.”

“I’m just saying, it’s more cleanup.”

“Well, this is the kind of rope they can usually get topside, so I say we- oh, good, you’re here.” Moxxie pointed to the paper piled up on the coffee table. “I already did all the hard bits, I just need your signature.”

“Right, right. Signature. Got it. Then we get to go kill something, right?”

Moxxie glanced over at Millie, and the look they exchanged passed way more information than Blitzo’d ever be able to parse. Must be a marriage thing. Must be nice, too. Being able to know what each other was thinking and shit. Real useful.

“Yeah, hun, then we can go kill something. Nothing like some good ol’ violence to get the blood pumping, right?” Millie smiled as Blitzo dashed off a loopy B on each of the papers. Most of them were bills, a few were paychecks that he’d probably just forgotten in the mess of the past few months since Moxxie would know better than to try and slip extras in since it would destroy the budget anyway, there was one approving the repairs for the fire, right, right, this was why he let Moxxie handle all the boring shit, at least it was easy to just sign the dotted line- there. Done.

Blitzo cracked his knuckles, tail snapping in mid-air. “Right! Let’s go fuck somebody up!”

“There we go!” Millie gave a little laugh, punching his arm as Moxxie picked up the Grimoire and opened to the right page before drawing the circle with his free hand. Loona was still settled on the couch behind him, nursing a sports drink from the fridge and half-watching the three of them, head tilted slightly.

Moxxie nodded to the portal, setting the book down on the desk. “Right behind you, sir.”

____________________

The guy didn’t even fight back when they woke him up and strung him up. What a wuss. Hangings were usually fun since they squirmed and made funny noises while trying to break free if the neck didn't snap when the chair dropped, but it wasn’t nearly bloody enough for Blitzo’s taste today. Oh, sure, he’d clawed at the rope that had manufactured nylon sharp enough to carve out blood from under his nails, but his face was purpling at a rapid rate, so they probably didn’t have to do anything other than let gravity finish the job for them, especially considering his kicks were starting to slow anyway.

“You want to go watch some wrestling death-matches when we get back home? I heard they’re bringing the Big Boar in, he’s some sinner who was a lucador back in life. That’ll get some of that killer instinct out.” Millie gave a playful growl as she rummaged around in the target’s belongings. Blitzo watched her hips waggle for a moment before she made a little ‘hmmph’ at a pin-up cowgirl calendar.

“Hmm… tempting, Millz, tempting.”

“Pride wrestling’s more like good ol’ fashioned blood sport, especially when they get the guys that can regenerate limbs!” She ground her fist into her palm with an intense look. Moxxie rolled his eyes as Blitzo leaned against the wall.

“Pl-ease… sa...ve..” the human wheezed out before Moxxie poked at his stomach, and he coughed up blood directly on the little imp before falling limp. Moxxie grimaced, using the man’s somewhat-sweaty bedsheet nearby to clean himself off.

“Perhaps you could invite his highness? I remember him saying something about-”

“Nope,” Blitzo snapped out immediately. “Not gonna fuckin’ happen.”

Moxxie raised an eyebrow, dropping the sheets. “It was just a suggestion, sir. Had too much of him over the past few days?”

“You could say that,” Blitzo muttered, a hand resting on his stomach, and Millie's eyes softened.

“Aw, you could have said something. He ride you too hard?”

The fingers curled inwards, claws dragging above the surface and lighting it up red, forcing him away from his own skin. “Something along those lines, yeah. You two can drop this anytime, you know.”

“Well, at least the little one will be out of your hair soon,” Moxxie said. “Just a few more months, then I would imagine it’s just visitations now and then. You said that you’d already discussed things with him about custody, right?”

Blitzo swallowed, the hand raising up from his belly to rub at the back of his neck. “So, er, about that-”

The wood groaned as Moxxie took a step forward. “No. You didn’t.”

“Come on, Moxx, he was drooling over it, how the fuck was I supposed to know he wanted me to-”

Moxxie threw up his hands. “What have I told you? To think about what you’re doing! What do you do? Throw yourself-”

“Oh, you think this is my fault?”

“Of course it’s your fault!” Moxxie folded his arms. “What did I say when you were considering keeping it? That it was going to be a big responsibility! You barely can call Loona civilized and she’s somehow a legal adult, what in the seven rings would you fuck up if you had to raise an actual child?”

“Exactly! I don’t fucking want to!” Blitzo spat out with enough venom to make Moxxie’s fingers tighten on his arms. “That’s the point, I thought this was just going to be for a couple of months and then yeah, maybe getting to see them now and then wouldn't suck the worst ass if they turn out cool, but I’ve got other shit to do! I’m a busy guy, and I’d definitely fuck it-”

“Blitzo…” Millie reached out a hand before curling it into a loose fist in midair. “Hun, I’m sorry.”

“Yes. Thank you, Millie.”

“Although…” She gnawed on her lip for a moment, and he groaned.

“Don’t you start-”

“Why did you adopt Loona then? I’m genuinely wonderin’, that’s all. You love her to bits, why’s this different? If you hadn’t done that I wouldn’t be askin’, but… you like being a dad.”

“I…” He trailed off. There was a scuttering in the wall behind him, like a roach or some other grimy-grody pest, and a chill drilled down the vertebrae of his spine as a shiver ran through his bones. Why was the sweat dripping down his side cold, like condensation on the side of a frozen water bottle? Damned drafty house. “I wanted to be there for somebody, somebody that I chose to be, and that won't-" He cleared his throat, shaking his head to start over. "Anyway, she’s a good kid who's figuring her shit out and I like hanging out with her. I'm glad to be her dad. That's different."

“Why would this be so bad, then?” Millie repeated.

Blitzo scoffed. “ ‘Cause I got Loona when she was older and I had to go through a buncha bullshit to sign the papers instead of just getting nutted in and having it sprung on me? That was an active effort, and teenagers are basically an entirely different species from babies, I’ve only had to clean up her shit a couple of times-”

“Did not need to know that,” Moxxie muttered.

“-Shut up Moxxie, but anyway, point is, Loonie was already walking and talking and has her own tastes and shit, most babies are just worthless little parasites until they’re, like, ten. I was a fuckin’ miserable little thing to deal with according to literally fucking everybody, so why the fuck would I want to inflict that on myself when I can help somebody that’s already gotten through most of the annoying phase? Plus, her sense of fashion kicks ass. Babies can't pick you out dope outfits." His tail snaked up and tapped his shoulder. "Point to me, excellent reasoning.”

“She’s still your daughter, and you still have to deal with a lot from-” Millie tried to continue, but Blitzo held up a hand.

“Look, it’s just different, okay? The apartment’s crowded enough. I’ll figure this out somehow.”

“...If you’re sure,” Millie said, shifting her weight on the creaky floorboards. “How did the prince take it?”

“Ugh, you really think I want to get deep into his little wah-wah I-thought-you-knew bullshittery?” Blitzo snorted. “I don’t give a shit what he thinks, he should have been upfront about the fact that I was going to be ruining both me and the squirt’s life instead of just being a fuckin’ incubator for cash. End of story.”

There was a nudge from inside of him that was much sharper than usual, and Blitzo’s eyes snapped down.

“Did you just fuckin’ bite me?”

#helluva boss #one time #shadow writes stuff #helluva mpreg #daddy blitzo

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enigmatist17 · 4 years

Text

Will You Stay? (Zane Flynt x Timothy Lawrence)

Zane Flynt had been around for a long time. He’d seen all manners of peoples, had traveled to too many systems to count, and they always were the same. The heroes were heroes, the villains and scum were villains and scum. The only people who ever tugged at a heart he kept forgetting he had, were the begotten types.

The traumatized widows, the children with war-torn faces, the crippled who usually end up dead by days end. The people he could almost never help were the ones that kept him awake most nights.

Timothy Lawrence was just such a person. The poor lad not only had been stuck in a hellscape casino that Zane himself had worked on via the security systems, but he bore the face of the biggest monster in the galaxy.

Pretty Boy and the last of his men had finally fallen, and the various gangs shuttered inside the casino were currently on the closest planet. Moxxi had plans to use them but was currently taking stock of what would soon be her domain, Amara and Moze escorting her. FL4K had long since retired to Sanctuary III, having found the casino much to his distaste.

Zane was in a room that had been converted to Casa de Timothy, boots resting up on a coffee table as he sat on the singular couch. It was late, well as much as Zoomer’s clock displayed, said drone lazily hovering around the room. The assassin could hardly care less, just tipping back his flask and regrettably draining the last of the liquid inside. It had taken over a month taking the casino over, and he was bloody well tired, idly wondering why in feck’s name he had signed up to go Vault Hunting one last time.

“Do you need anything to drink? O-or eat? Anything?” Ah, that’s right. Tilting his head up, Zane’s ECHO-eye focused on the man hunched over a table a few feet away. Zane had met Timothy during his short tenure at working on casino security and had found the doppelganger a touch sweet. Never around the former monster of course, but they had shared a drink before Zane had gone off to his next job. To see him alive, whereas all the other doppelgangers were dead, gave Zane a glimmer of hope. Timothy seemed to feel the same, sticking to Zane like glue as he and the Vault Hunters planned their attack and takeover. Late nights saw them pouring over blueprints, Zane usually offered a drink or snack first before the others. Zane didn’t seem to mind, Moze and Amara catching him gathering up Timothy for sleep more than once, the operative having what they could almost say was a doting look on his face.

Now Zane hung around with Timothy, usually playing guard to those who looked even a touch-ready to go at the other. As much as he wanted to leave, Timothy would still need to undergo a massive facial surgery that Tannis was preparing for, as the bomb wired to his jaw was still an ever-present danger. Clearing his throat, Zane motioned for the other to come close.

“Come now boyo, ‘nough worryin’ about yer plans.” He sees the way Timothy pauses, glancing down at the ECHO in his hands before carefully setting it down. The poor lad was writing out whatever his thoughts were before the surgery in a day's time, clearly worried about dying. Zane moves his arm, and Timothy sits beside the mercenary. He’s stiff at first but nestles into Zane’s side after he takes a quick look around the room. Neither had put a name on whatever it was they did when eyes weren’t looking, but Timothy didn’t want it to ever end.

“I can’t help it ya know? What if, what if it goes wrong? O-Or Tannis decides that killing me would make her feel better? O-Or what if…” Timothy feels the squeeze on his trembling hands, and he takes in a deep breath before slowly releasing it.

“I’m goin’ ta be right there boyo.” Zane nuzzles his nose on the side of Timothy’s temple, earning a soft sigh as the other let his nervousness trail off.

“O-Of course you will be.” Zane wouldn’t lie to him, would he?

It doesn’t stop Timothy from worrying when tomorrow comes, and he is put under for the nearly 17-hour long surgery as the mask grafted to his face is taken off, and his jaw completely removed and replaced with a newly grown version from his own DNA. Having his bone marrow taken a week previously had been harrowing for the poor guy, and he dreamed of how attentive Zane had been during the two days of his recovery. The room he awakens in days later is unfamiliar, until Zoomer comes into view, a small ray of light trailing over the other before the robot lets out a beep. Timothy only lets out a feeble noise, the entirety of his lower face hurting terribly. It isn’t long before there is the whoosh of a door opening, and he can hear something be set down on the bed beside him.

“Finally awake there eh?” It’s Zane, not that it would be anyone else, and Timothy’s heart flutters. Some pain relief is applied to his jaw via med-hypo, Timothy whimpering for a moment at the needle before he goes blissfully numb. “Ah yer such a good patient love.” He gets a small smile from the other, gently tucking some chestnut hair from that sweet face. Tannis had found a way to partially purge Handsome Jack’s DNA from the other, which hopefully would remove his murderous outbursts. For now, to see the pale face freed from its prison smiling up at him, Zane couldn’t help but feel happy for Timothy, moving to sit beside the other. Timothy slips back to sleep soon enough, and for the next week is unable to do much but rest and heal, Zane sometimes injecting him under Tannis’ strict observation. He isn’t sure why the scientist isn’t the one doing it, but when Zane is heard growling out at someone outside the door one day, he understands as the Irishman threatens a rather creative end.

“Zan..e.” It’s near the end of week two when Timothy braves speaking, the Vault Hunter looking up from his workstation at the name.

“Finally speakin’ are we boyo?” Zane grins, setting his soldering tool aside before walking over to the bed. Timothy gives a thumbs up, the act of smiling still a bit painful. He steels himself, motioning for Zane to lean down, the Vault Hunter shrugging before doing so. “What is it boyo?”

Zane isn’t expecting the hand going around his neck, placing his lips on Timothy’s. The lads’ lips are dry, for obvious reasons, and Zane just gives a small hum before returning the kiss. It’s very much not unwanted, and feeling the still healing scars stop the mercenary from turning the gesture passionate. Nervous fingers are tugging at the back of Zane’s neck, and he eventually pulls back to take hold of said hand. Timothy had the adorable habit of drumming out something if he was nervous, or perhaps excited, in this case.

“Breathe there boyo.” Zane chuckles, feeling Timothy’s fingers drum against his palm as he takes slow breaths. Timothy wants to smile, but knows his face would only regret the action, so keeps drumming away until the urge to smile passes. “Better?” Zane gets a nod, and the mercenary chuckles to himself before releasing Timothy’s hand, leaning down to start unlacing his boots. Those and his jacket are soon dropped beside the bed in a heap, the trained Hunter slipping himself into the bed beside Timothy. He adjusts to Timothy’s neck and head are supported, the former doppelganger's head resting on his upper chest, cybernetic arm resting over Zane’s stomach as he curls up right close.

“Are...w..e..a th..ing?” It’s a weak thing of a question, but Zane hears it as if Timothy had been shouting at him.

“I should say so boyo, have been for some time eh?” Zane watches as that pale face turns a rose color, and he can’t help but grin at the sight. “Aye, yer a cute one.” Timothy moves and gives Zane’s chest a light slap, wincing when the other’s laugh moves his head too much.

“Let’s fight another time yea? Don’t wanna hurt that wee pretty head.” Zane chuckles, and Timothy pouts before giving a small nod, moving his hand back in place. “There we are.” Timothy smiles to himself, and when he fades back into blissful sleep, this time it’s with the knowledge he won’t wake up alone and abandoned again.

No, neither he nor Zane wanted that, not anymore.

#zane flynt #timothy lawrence #moxxi's heist spoilers #borderlands 3 #borderlands 3 spoilers #I adore these two together

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kathyprior4200 · 3 years

Text

Helluva Boss Episode Remakes!

Not too far away from Pentagram City lay a shady place in the bowels of Hell. “Welcome to Imp City: est. 1981” was posted on a worn wooden sign with a white painted eye toward the top. Under a crimson sky, a wide array of buildings made up the city, some with spikes on the roofs. Downtrodden imps of various colors and sizes mulled around the streets and ghettos. Mugging, sex, drugs, poverty, and murder were common aspects of their everyday afterlives. Indeed, being considered “lesser demons” and the “lowest of the low,” not very many had opportunities granted to them.

Well, save for a unique family of imps, trying to get their business running.

Just who were these imps?

A nearby screen showed old fashioned numbers ticking down, 3, 2, and 1. Blitzo, a red and white faced imp, appeared on stage in front of purple open curtains. “Hi there! I’m Blitzo! The “O” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.!” He put out his hand and the logo appeared above it. The “M” in I.M.P. looked like imp horns, black and white in color. Down below were the words “Immediate Murder Professionals.”

Blitzo spoke again. “Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?”

A picture of Blitzo with a mustache and two black top hats over his horns was grinning evilly as a building burned in the background. The sign nearby read “Orphanage for elderly, blind, and newborn dogs.”

“Or are you an innocent soul who just happened to get fucked over by someone else?”

The next image showed Blitzo in a white angel costume, happily throwing away a Styrofoam coffee cup in a wastepaper basket instead of a recycling bin in an office.

In the next shot, Blitzo held up a sign which read “Some guy who hired us!” A buff horned red demon wearing a white Ohio shirt stood not too far from the camera, a 666 News billboard in the background. He punched one fist into his hand.

“After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you can imagine my surprise when I wound down here, after the state of Ohio killed me. I really wish I could stick it to that yappy jogger who saw me hiding the body.”

Blitzo appeared again, this time with his fellow imps Millie and Moxxie in the background. A white-clothed altar with a mirror and skulls on it was in the very back. White candles were spread around the room. The two imps were sitting at a pentagram drawn on the floor. Blitzo held a blue Satanic ritual book in his hand.

“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…”

He waved his hand and a flaming portal appeared in the center of the room, causing Moxxie and Millie to scatter.

“…we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!” He happily fell through the portal on his back like it was a mosh pit.

Then the musical jingle started:

“When you want somebody gone

And you don’t wanna wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals”

“Hand grenade or cyanide

We’ll make it look like suicide

The Immediate Murder Professionals”

“We do our job so well

‘Cause we come straight up from Hell…”

“We’ll kill your husband or you wife

We’ll even let you keep the knife,

The Immediate…Murder…Professionals.

Kids die for freeee!”

A white person appeared with a thought bubble of his enemy with a red x. A demon fell to the floor and the person looked up. The I.M.P. logo appeared, silhouettes of Millie with a spear, Moxxie with a gun and Blitzo in the middle, spreading out his arms to make an “M.”

Fast paced shots flashed through the ad.

Moxxie throwing a grenade out a window as his companions grinned.

Blitzo hanging a person in an office building while Moxxie watched. Millie held a suicide note in her hand.

Then more killing scenes flashed: Blitzo electrocuting a person, Millie using a mace, Moxxie choking his victim.

Blitzo led the way through a portal to Earth, Millie and Moxxie following. Moxxie tripped on a book and landed on his face while the others posed. They then stood up shocked…at the people in a church staring at them in confusion.

Millie killed a naked couple with a chainsaw while Blitzo looked greedily at a woman’s underwear.

Blitzo repeatedly stabbed someone else tied up near a “Blitzo show” sign at a circus.

The three imps used more methods to kill Earthlings: Medieval torture racks, shark attacks, fire and gasoline on someone, pillow suffocation, crushing someone to death with a grand piano, the electric chair for a prisoner…

“Kids die for freeeee!” ended the ad.

Moxxie and Millie sang a murder love song in their living room before the meeting. Moxxie played on his purple demon-face guitar as Millie watched him with love in her eyes. It reminded them of the good times when they would shot at demons together in the streets, drag a bloody sack behind them and when Millie got a grenade as a present and used it to blow up a building.

“Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill

And my Millie goes in for the kill

She takes away my breath

She’s the angel of death for me

Oh Millie

She a queen, it’s like a dream

When I hear her victims start to scream

Get him out of the sack

She’s a maniac for me

Oh Millie

When the blood starts dripping down the sides

And the bodies start to fall from the skies

My heart skips a beat

When my Millie’s guns a blazing in the night

That’s in love

She makes the murdering fun for me”

Both of them hummed before Moxxie finished,

“Of all the imps in Hell…

Millie joined in, “It’s for him that I fell…

“Oh Millie.” They leaned in for a kiss.

They paused. Moxxie yelled, while looking out the window. His boss, Blitzo was pressed against the window with a video camera. “Are you fucking filming us right now?!”

Moxxie sighed, as a smiling Blitzo held up a sign which read “Meeting in 20 min: nice job banging yo’ wife!”

Just before the meeting, the head imp, Blitzo walked into the receptionist room.

“Blitz!” called Loona, the hellhound, holding a bone shaped phone in her hand. “That clingy rich asshole’s on the phone! Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you!” Then she added in a lower voice, “Sounds a little DTFy.” (Down to Fuck)

Blitzo spilled water on himself as he talked with Moxxie by the water cooler. “Oh god that was one time! We wouldn’t have access to the living world…if I hadn’t slept with that privileged asshole!”

“You what?” Moxxie asked in disbelief.

“Blitz!” Loona barked in outrage.

“I heard you already!” Blitzo yelled. He stomped into his office and picked up his red cell phone. He played with little bobble heads of his imp coworkers, Moxxie and Millie. Signs were tacked to the wall, reading: “The Incredible Blitzo! One night only! Tickets now at the Big Top!”

“So…” Blitzo beamed nervously, “What can I do you for this time, Stolas?”

The owl overlord replied, lounging on his couch in a royal red robe and a crown.

“Remember that time when I told you that a political candidate was causing problems up on Earth for a few of my associates? That he tried to convince people that global warming existed?”

“Yes?” Blitzo answered.

“And that it does, but more people die when nothing’s done about it? Oh, how lonely I felt.”

“Okay well, yeah that makes sense,” Blitzo said.

“But now…” he hooted in laughter. “There are tons of new sinners coming down here every day! I just had a feast and a murder party several nights ago. I wondered why a horde of people arrived and it’s because of a disease called the coronavirus! My, it’s the best thing to ever happen since my wedding with my queen Melody and my darling daughter Octavia’s graduation from flight school. Oh, how marvelous!”

“Well…I’m very happy for you, sir,” Blitzo said. “I hope that…corn-ah virus does its thing.”

Stolas sighed. “My wife wasn’t happy with me, though. She said you fell onto a cake in the middle of a lunch with her and the royal officials. What did you say to her?”

“I said…’sorry I fucked your husband.’” He gulped.

A tense silence.

Blitzo examined his chest and arms. “I still have the talon scars and peck marks to prove it.”

“And she also said that you stole one of my books, is that true?”

“No! No way!” Blitzo lied, with a nervous laugh. “That was another imp long ago. Can I tell you how great it felt…sleeping with you?”

“Indeed,” Stolas agreed with a contented sigh. “Your sharp horns and claws ruffling through my feathers, and my talons and beak exploring your multicolored flesh. You know what happens when I’m lonely, Blitzy?”

“Oh, god fucking dammit…” Blitzo muttered to himself.

Stolas’ eyes grew red. “When I’m lonely, I become hungry. And when I’m become hungry…I want to choke on that red dick of yours! **** your ***** then lick all of your *****, before taking out your **** and **** with more teeth until you’re screaming ******** like a fucking baby!”

Blitzo hung up the phone, the words on Stolas’ picture reading “creepy mouth: aka one night stand bird dick.” and smashed it with a rotary phone. He threw the pieces into a blender and mixed it up.

“Eat this!” he told Loona who walked in and drank the red liquid.

“And then you know that bridge over the freeway?” he asked.

“Yeah?”

“Shit off it! It’s time for the meeting, let’s go.”

The imps currently resided in a tall office building that seemed to stand out among the other structures. Along with spikes jutting from the roof and sides, there were a pair of giant black and white imp horns attached to the sides of the building for decoration. The lights inside near the top floor were on.

Posted on a door were the words “I.M.P. Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.

On a white board was a bar graph and a line graph, the line graph pointing lower at a drawing of a raging horned demon. “Fix this shit!” was written in big bold letters that took up much of the board. “Blitzo is the best, by Blitzo” was scribbled off to the side. Several tall chairs with spikes jutting from the top boarders were set near a brown table in the center of the room. A white pentagram was drawn in the center of the table.

Up front, a black, white, and red colored imp paced back and forth, sprouting long curved striped horns: Blitzo. He wore black fingerless gloves with what looked like a yellow eye design on each glove. He was dressed in a slender navy blue business suit with light red buttons. A small round pink pin with black eyes and a stitched mouth was attached onto a red undershirt below his slender chin. What looked like a black two-clawed print mark lay over his red forehead. Along with sharp teeth, the imp has red iris eyes with yellow sclera. Like a typical devil, he also had a red pointed tail. He had four red finger-shaped claws on each hand.

Blitzo began to speak, pacing back and forth. He looked toward his audience of two imps and a hellhound sitting on chairs around a table.

“Alright, now I know business has been…a bit slow, lately, yes.”

He mentioned to the board at the downward sloping line. “In fact, there seems to be less people seeking out our services; 1,056 in comparison to the 1,066 from last month. We’ve basically spiraled from the True Blue Market to that of the Raging Bull.” He pointed at the roaring demon head drawing on the board.

“Shouldn’t it be the Bull Market is good and the Bear Market is bad?” said a voice.

“Loona, nobody cares,” Blitzo said. He continued.

“Any decrease could spell disaster for us, not to mention how lots of people use our services and yet look down on us.”

Blitzo cleared his throat and spread out his hands. “It’s no one’s fault, okay? I’m not naming any names here…Moxxie.”

Moxxie raised his eyebrows in a “what the hell?” gesture as Blitzo looked at him. The serious imp had a red face, yellow eyes, white hair framing his face and stripped horns jutting off to the sides in slight curves. He wore a large red bow-tie and a navy blue suit. White freckles were present under his eyes.

Blitzo continued, “Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?”

Millie, the bubbly imp raised her hand. She had a red face, messy black hair with a white flower patch near the top, and short black horns with faint white stripes. Her eyes were also yellow and she wore a black top, black torn pants, high heeled shoes and a little black choker around her neck. Her eyelashes extended past her face.

Millie waved her hand and beamed, eyes shining. “What…about…a car wash?!”

“This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay?”

Just then, there came a coughing from the other room. A small cyclops demon with hot pink hair with a patch of yellow opened the door and walked in. She brushed off soot from her hot pink skirt and waved at the group, who stared in surprise.

“Hi, I’m Niffty! It’s nice to meet you. Are you part of I.M.P.?”

“Uh yes?” Blitzo replied, unsure of what to make of this random maid.

“Oh great, because one of my friends sent me here to investigate, he’s a busy chap, you know, and oh so dreamy!”

She darted around the room and began removing cobwebs from the windows. “It looks like there are two men, a woman and a dog here, a nice balance.”

Loona, the grey hellhound glared at Niffty, narrowing her red eyes. “What was that, you little shit?”

Loona had a red cell phone in her clawed paws, the back of the phone displaying a black upside down cross. She wore a grey top with black strings in the shape of an inverted pentagram. A spiked collar was around her neck. Her pants were dark and torn, with a white crescent moon on them. Her feet were bare and her hair and tail were thick with white and dark fur.

Niffty stopped in her tracks. “Now, did you guys need any cars to be washed?”

Blitzo shook his head. “We don’t have any cars here, we’re broke as fuck.”

Millie stared at Niffty and cupped her own cheeks with her hands. “Oh my Satan! She’s so adorable! Can we keep her?!”

“No!” Moxxie and Loona said at the same time. The two workers then glared at each other.

Moxxie crossed his arms. “We’re in the middle of a meeting right now. Do you mind?!” He pointed to the door.

Niffty laughed nervously, “Oh okay, sorry about that, hehhehheh. I’ll be outside if you need me!”

She scurried out of the room.

Blitzo paused for a moment, then said, “Oh right! Ideas for our company!” He waved his hands, his eyes shining. “Ooh, what about a billboard?”

Moxxie crossed his arms. “We can’t afford a billboard, sir.”

Blitzo rushed over and held Moxxie in a headlock. His voice was rushed and sarcastic, “Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you’re in the room right now.” He shoved Moxxie away.

Blitzo stared in frustration. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?”

He picked up a remote and turned on an old fashioned TV.

After static appeared on screen, the footage showed the group killing off individuals.

Blitzo bashing a red demon’s head with a mullet.

Moxxie shooting a blue person tied up to a chair.

Loona grabbing a red person in her mouth and shaking the person side to side like a wolf.

Millie beheading a blue person with a spear and laughing.

Blitzo watched with a relaxed smile on his face, holding up a blue bowl of popcorn. Loona sat on the table, popping popcorn pieces into her mouth. Millie was perched on the table, enjoying the show, but Moxxie stood off to the side with a grumpy face.

Posters hung from the walls, one showing Blitzo and his two sisters, Tilla (an imp with long black hair) and Barbie Wire (a smiling imp with ram-like horns.) It was a picture of them at a circus, the banner reading “The Amazing Imp Siblings!” Blitzo remembered the good times he had with them when they performed on stage. Barbie Wire would balance on a tightrope, holding a pole with flames on either end. Tilla tamed and evaded manticores, dragons and other beasts that were released into the arena. Blitzo would sing songs about murdering people and they would all pose and bow at the end as the crowd cheered.

That was before Blitzo moved on to form I.M.P. recruited Moxxie and Millie, and adopted Loona.

Blitzo moved his hand toward his chest and sighed with content. “Ahh, those were the good times.”

Moxxie spoke up as Millie ate a piece of popcorn. “I don’t need any reminding, sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel, nobody watches.”

Blitzo turned his head, insulted. “Uh, hey, excuse me.” He stood up. “What’s “obnoxious” about a super-fun jingle, all right? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spittin’ bullshit!”

He walked across the room.

“People love musicals, sir,” Millie added.

Blitzo smiled. “Exactly, Millie, and we’re basically doin’ a musical.” Blitzo did jazz hands before pointing rapidly at Moxxie with a scowl.

“Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?” He lowered his head.

“Sir…” Moxxie began, but his boss cut him off.

“Because right now, all I see is just my dad’s asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.” He turned his head away.

Millie leaned in toward her husband and spoke with a teasing tone. “Are you trying to crush his dreams, Moxxie?”

“I…what?” he asked, looking at her. Millie leaned in close and stuck out her tongue, tail curling. “I thought I knew you.” Moxxie rolled his eyes; his wife loved to annoy him.

Blitzo turned back to Moxxie, tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe you, Moxxie. After I made you employee of the month!” He held a picture of Moxxie with his mouth open in a roar, snake tongue showing.

Moxxie threw up his hands, “Okay, sir! I’m sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”

“I liked it!” Millie pipped up.

Moxxie turned to her, finger shaking, “Do not…do not agree with him in front of me.”

Loona sat, bored, playing on her phone. Moxxie’s head appeared on the screen but was crushed by a weight and then blown up by a bomb. At one point his face was sliced in half as “boom!” flashed across the screen.

“Remember when we shot that kid on Earth?” Blitzo asked.

Moxxie got a flashback. “Oh, right. I shot that boy who was walking around licking strawberry ice cream. It was an accident. He was taken on a stretcher to the hospital.”

The pink haired nurse had said, “Doctor, he’s not responding!”

“Cool water, stat!” The blue-haired man had said next. He slammed water down on the boy and said, “It didn’t do anything!”

The doctor had said, “Damn it! I’m not losing another one! “Clear!” Then they had shocked him and the boy somehow woke up with a gasp. The doctor said “Holy shit, it actually worked.”

Millie then explained that the three of them sat in the waiting room. Blitzo read a magazine while Millie comforted Moxxie. The doctor had said to the imps, “He appears to be in stable condition, but he’ll need surgery. Now what insurance provider do you freaks have?”

Then Blitzo asked, “The fuck is insurance?”

Moxxie sighed, “…and then they kicked us and the boy out and we fell back into Hell.”

A moment later, Moxxie spoke, hands forward in front of him. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident was Loona’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It’s very simple.”

“Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie,” Loona replied without looking up.

Moxxie stuttered angrily, looking for a comeback. “You sit! Sit on…a… and the d...do your job!” He slammed his palm on the table.

Blitzo scolded him. “Hey, now we don’t blame our screw-ups on Loona, okay? She didn’t do anything wrong!” He hugged her and nuzzled his head against her cheek, the hellhound growling at him to get off.

Moxxie stared in disbelief. “Are you kidding me, sir? She’s awful.”

Lonna looked at her phone. “The other day, right? I answered the puppy barking phone and said ‘Hello, I.M.P.’ Millie was yelling, ‘Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox…’ and then I hung up. Wasn’t my problem. My Hellhound Monthly magazine was much more interesting.”

“Don’t forget about my adoption anniversary gift I gave you,” Blitzo said, scratching his neck.

Lonna seethed. “Don’t remind me. It wasn’t a cure for syphilis, I didn’t want it, and it so happened to be black spiders, crawling all over me!”

“Again, I’m sorry it was spiders,” Blitzo said.

“God damn it, apology not accepted.”

“You should be thankful that I rescued you after your hellhound family kicked you out,” Blitzo remarked.

Loona’s ears twitched. Millie stared nervously. “I was perfectly capable of fending for myself,” barked Loona, looking up from her phone for the first time. “There was nothing special about them, other than all the alcohol, meth and drugs they took. My parents never cared about us. I mean, they sent off my other siblings to work for other overlords and were never seen again. Perhaps I was fortunate enough to not have to deal with them.”

Blitzo had tears in his eyes. He hugged her again. “Well, at least you’ve got me, Moxxie, and Millie as your new family!”

Loona hid a smile and just bared her fangs. “Get off of me before I bite your face off!”

Blitzo stepped back.

Loona then smiled and looked at Moxxie, a look of mischief in her red eyes.

Moxxie scowled. “Excuse me, did you just fax me an ad for weight loss the other day?”

“No,” Loona answered. “I was busy watching the princess sing.”

“Wha-Why…Why would anyone send me that?!” Moxxie argued.

“Come on, you know why.” She smirked.

“I’m not chubby, thank you very much! Not to mention, you were the one who ate my avocado salad lunch! How rude.”

“I took it because I had the worst hangover.”

“But why would you drink on a work night?” Millie asked.

“I was hungover from that morning, dumbasses!” Loona said to Moxxie and Millie. “I couldn’t take your assaults. So I decided to blow some fucking steam! I kicked a baby in a carriage and caused some destruction. Felt good afterwards.”

Blitzo mentioned to Loona. “Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family and you don’t get rid of family.”

“We aren’t a family, sir!” Moxxie pointed out. “You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she’s some troubled teenager! She’s more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phone!”

Loona flipped him the bird.

“That is offensive!” said Blitzo, walking to the window, pulling open the blinds. “Without homeless people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life!”

Outside, a homeless imp with a broken horn and ragged grey clothing held up a sign that read “Monee helps. Satan Bless.” An imp woman with black clothing and little bat wings blushed at Blitzo who waved and did a playful raise of eyebrows before closing the blinds.

Moxxie crossed his arms. “While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?”

“Come on, sweetie, it’s not that big a deal!” Millie said.

Moxxie’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me, what?! I asked you, ‘Honey, can you get the butter?’ You said, ‘sure sweetie’.”

“Spoiler alert, the butter’s spoiled!” Blitzo added. Millie giggled.

“He was in our fucking fridge! He was spying on me while I was asleep. And worse, he fucking filmed me and you while we were singing and about to kiss!”

Blitzo giggled. “I still have it on camera.”

“It’s fine, honey,” Millie replied to Moxxie, patting his shoulder. “The “spoiler alert, butter’s spoiled!” was a funny use of wordplay Blitzo used.”

“Why was he in our fridge anyway?” Moxxie countered. “And then I was dreaming that my parents were being murdered and Blitzo interrupted it. I wanted to get back to that.”

“I was just curious,” Blitzo responded.

“Just. Stop. Doing. That,” Moxxie growled.

“I don’t see what the issue is!” said Blitzo. “Is there something you don’t want me seeing?” A mischievous silly look crossed his face.

“No!” Moxxie spat, eye twitching.

“You a baby weiner havor?” Blitzo asked, another term for a small dick.

Loona giggled under her breath.

Moxxie was fed up. “Sir, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!”

Millie pulled him down gently. “Calm down, Mox, you’re gonna have another panic attack!”

“I am calm!” he yelled.

Millie rubbed his head and soothed him. “Shh, there, there.” Moxxie whimpered.

Blitzo spoke again with a childish grin, making a hole with two fingers and tapping the opening with one finger. “Look, I don’t judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work hours, so don’t judge me.”

Veins popped out of Moxxie’s yellow eyes. “Oh I do judge you, sir. Quite a lot, actually.” He crossed his arms as Millie gasped in horror.

“Mox, he’s our boss!”

“No, no, no, it’s fine, Mills,” said Blitzo with a wave of his hand. “Your husband is just…how do I say this without being offensive…retarded.”

“Does immaturingly insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single, life?”

Blitzo leaned in toward Moxxie. “It actually does.”

Loona appeared to agree, because she added to Moxxie, “The only reason you have a wife is because you’re easy to manage!”

Moxxie gasped. She had called Moxxie submissive.

“No he’s not, you bitch!” Millie yelled, holding up two middle fingers.

“Do not talk to my assistant that way!” Blitzo demanded. “She’s sensitive!”

“Yes I am!” Loona barked.

Then a squeaky voice sounded from nearby: “You guys are all fucking assholes.”

Everyone turned and stared at a boy wearing an orange shirt with a planet on it. He had brown hair, a blue baseball cap on and was connected to a monitor.

Blitzo pointed at him. “Oh shut up, kid, you’re lucky to witness this.”

Moxxie pinched his nose and sighed in frustration. “Ugh, this company is such a mess!”

“Did someone call me?” Niffty’s voice rang from the hallway. She opened the door a crack. “I can clean up any messes you may have!”

“No!” Moxxie called. “Go away!”

Niffty slowly closed the door.

An awkward silence…

“Alright, let’s get back to talking about my outfit!” Blitzo said out of nowhere.

“Nobody was talking about that,” Loona mentioned.

“Which is why I’m trying to get that ball rolling. So how does it look? It’s good, right?”

The kid pointed his finger at Blitzo. He ripped off the wires from his stomach.

“It’s been a literal hell pretending to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn’t kill me, but now? I want that. I want death. You!” he pointed to Blitzo. “You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I’m a kid! We’re supposed to like clowns…even the creepy ones!”

Moxxie scoffed. “Hey now, that’s not very…”

The kid cut him off. “If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I’d rip out your spine and ask you some shit.”

Moxxie shivered in fear.

“That’s my husband you’re talking to!” Millie yelled.

The kid snickered. “That’s your husband?! I figured you for a slut, but I didn’t know you needed dick that bad!”

Millie fumed at her husband being called ugly and weak. To think that she would have sex with anyone else at random…

“And you!” The kid pointed at Loona.

“What? What about me?” Loona asked.

The kid crossed his arms. “Nothing. I don’t talk to dogs. I’m a cat person.”

Loona whined.

“Wow,” said Blitzo. “You know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.”

“Yeah, after all, he’s kind of a piece of shit,” Moxxie muttered.

A ding came from Loona’s phone. She smiled. “Oh fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess he was the right target after all.”

“Who?” Blitzo asked.

“Him.”

“Me?” asked the kid.

“Yep,” she confirmed.

“They wanted us to kill an actual child?” Blitzo asked.

“That’s what they’re sayin’,” Loona said.

Blitzo grinned and twirled a gun in his hand. His job just got more fun and easier. “Well Christ on a stick, I guess there is a god!” He fired and shot the boy in the chest. He flopped down dead in a pool of blood, smoke and sparks lingering in the air.

Blitzo spoke about I.M.P.: “You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can! Like killing people! So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money… is gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review, but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell and no one fucking cares.”

Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie kicked the dead kid on the floor, enjoying themselves. Loona snapped a picture with her phone and recorded the scene. After the imps left with the body, Niffty came in and gasped.

“Well, time to clean this up. What a mess!” She hummed a happy tune as she mopped up the blood at rapid speed.

Blitzo and Moxxie wore gas masks and green suits as Blitzo sawed off the boy’s arm and Moxxie sawed his chest, organs spilling out into a sack below. Millie tossed an arm into the sack and Loona helped hold open the sack. Moxxie dropped the boy’s severed head inside and shared a loving smile with his wife.

Etched in red graffiti on a dumpster behind them were the words “Devil,” “Hell,” “Happy Hotel,” and “I’m always chasing rainbows.” A pentagram, and wide smiles were also doodled on the surface.

Blitzo embraced the entire group in a forceful hug, knocking the phone from Loona’s hands.

“You know, even though this kid was a target, he’s still a child. It’s important that we’ve handled this going forward, respectfully.” He wrapped his long tail around the group, all of them smiling genuinely. For despite all their problems, they were still a company family.

Back in the human world, a crying blonde mother wearing a pink shirt and a necklace held up a paper saying “missing boy.” Below in large letters read on the news: “Mom sucks at drawing own kid!” Words say “There is a missing boy!’ and “Yet another missing kid!”

The mother spoke into the microphone, “Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at…”

She gasped as a sack dropped into her hands. She and the news reporter looked up to see a smiling Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie through a portal up above.

“You’re welcome!” Blitzo called with a wave before the portal closed.

The mother looked inside the bag and screamed. “My son! He’s dead! Noooo!”

Part One: Mrs. Mayberry

Once upon a time, there was an innocent lovely blonde teacher named Mrs. Mayberry who taught at a typical schoolhouse. She was born many years ago on July 24th.

She taught at a red schoolhouse with a little golden bell at the top of it. “Learning is fun,” was written in bright yellow letters on the side of the building with art of colorful kites and a rainbow on it. A sign at the front read “Puppies Junior School” in sunlight. There were tall green trees and a playground off to the side. The golden bell rang for the start of the day. A blue jay and a cardinal sang from a tree branch as the teacher opened the white curtains.

The Vivziepop lookalike woman wrote “Good morning!” in white chalk on the green blackboard.

“Good morning!” She twirled in a dance, catching her piece of chalk. She wore a white shirt with colorful red cherries and a long blue-gray skirt. A green pendant rested on her shirt. She wore cherry earrings and round yellow glasses. Her blonde hair was tied back in a flower-like shape behind her. “Have a bright and sunny day” was written on a poster with a large smiling sun with big eyes on it. Nearby was a calendar and an old boxy computer on a desk. A white daisy was in a flower pot. “The word of the day is harmony,” was written on a schedule posted on a board behind the children sitting at desks. The orange curtains by the windows had white math symbols on it. The schedule read “math, history, reading, grammar, science, art and music” as the many school subjects for the days of the week.

“I hope you all did your homework!” she trilled.

The children nodded with a dance to their bodies. One boy wearing an orange shirt spun around in a stool wearing a dunce cap and he faced the wall. The class broke out randomly into song.

“We love to do our homework and we love our teacher too!”

The teacher sang, “And when I throw out these fun questions, you should know just what to do.”

“Okay!” they cheered, arms in the air.

She wrote on the board 2 + 6 = 8 and added,

“Two plus six is…”

“Eight!” the class answered.

“And good behavior’s…”

“Great!” they chimed in.

“And now it’s that part of the class when we say the time of day and date.”

“It’s nine in the morning,” sang a blonde boy…

“On January 8th…” added a black girl.

“The sun is out smiling,” said a brown haired girl with a bow.

“And it’s your husband’s birthday!” reminded the dunce boy with his tongue out.

As the class sang “la la la,” the teacher found herself scrapping her chalk down in a line on the board. Sweat coated her forehead as the chalk was almost completely broken down. The singing was a constant drone in her head. Her right eye twitched and she turned around.

“Oh my stars, stop singing children! Hush up now!”

The class fell silent.

She put a hand to her forehead. “I forgot it’s my husband’s birthday! I didn’t get him anything special.”

The brown haired girl stood up and said, “Maybe if we call him, we could do a happy birthday surprise!”

The teacher and kids gathered around the boxy computer. At the husband’s house, a lone sock fell on the call screen that read “wifey” on it.

The screen turned on, and everyone gasped in disbelief.

The teacher’s husband was in the process of having sex with another lady!

A tie, a bra and a condom flew against the screen as they straddled naked in their bed.

“We won’t be needing this,” a voice said as the condom hit the screen with Mrs. Mayberry’s face on the other side.

The teacher sat at her desk, looking stunned, her face turning red. The other woman was so young and beautiful. There was her husband, clad naked and showing off his muscles and parts to her.

“Oh yeah,” the husband giggled, “Not there, not there.” They seemed to be also playing with sex toys.

With a blank shadowed look on her face, the teacher suddenly stood up and walked away. If she wasn’t going to be able to divorce that cheating bastard…

“Wait! Mrs. Mayberry!” called the brown haired girl. She took hold of the teacher’s hand. “Remember what you taught us…think before you act.”

Dark thoughts suddenly festered within the woman and she gripped the girl’s neck before tossing her up in the air through the roof. She stomped out of the room and shut the door. The children ran to the window to watch as she got in her old green car and plowed through a white picket fence. “I love school” was on her license plate. The children rushed to the computer.

The door to the bedroom was quickly pulled open.

“Oh shit, sweetie!” said her husband, caught in the act of fucking the young lady on their master bed. “What are you doing here?”

“Shut up, Jarold!” A newfound rage flared in her eyes. A deadly looking riffle was in her hands. She fired several shots.

The blonde lady shrieked as Mrs. Mayberry moved closer.

“You scream like a fish!” the teacher mentioned to the blonde haired lady.

With a demonic yell, she brutally shot the younger woman across multiple areas of her body. Thick blood splattered everywhere.

Her husband gasped. “Oh god, what have you done?! She had a family!”

“We could’ve had a family!” the teacher sobbed, in a flood of despair and rage. She picked up a bullet and shot her husband square in the head. He collapsed to the floor, dead.

“Oh god, what have I done?” she asked, frazzled, whipping away the blood from the screen. She saw her children stare in horror and disgust. “In front you all.” She broke down into tears, seeing her dead husband in a pool of blood. She spoke her last words through sobs. “I’m so sorry my children. Don’t forget to work on your timestamps.”

Mrs. Mayberry knew there was nothing left for her but jail time and grief. There was only one other option. With shaking hands, she shot herself in the chest with a yelp. The children fainted on the floor one by one at the traumatizing sight. The policeman took the wailing blonde lady to the hospital…and found Mrs. Mayberry’s body lying next to her husband’s on the blood-stained floor.

The blonde lady Martha stared lovingly with a brown uncovered eye at her new muscular husband Ralphie wearing an orange plaid shirt. He had brown hair and an athlete/superhero build. Their two children stood by her bedside as she recovered. The room had bouquets of colorful flowers in every corner. Camera flashed as news reporters talked to her.

“How does it feel to have survived such a crazy bitch?” a newswoman asked.

“I just hope that sick woman finally found peace,” Martha drawled in her hospital bed.

Her husband comforted her, head lowered.

“You are so brave,” the reporter commended to Martha. “Here’s $2 million dollars!”

The woman’s face lit up as she was handed a large golden check. “Oh thank you!” She smiled at the cameras with her husband like she was a movie star.

The stereotypical America family lived in a house near the woods and by a lake. Martha dressed like a housewife with a long polka dot skirt. Her daughter had brown pigtails, a lavender shirt with a tie, and a red skirt, with boots. The younger boy had a beaver-skin cap, a white shirt, brown pants and camouflage boots. On the outside, they were the perfect typical family.

“You’re a hero,” said more news people as she stood elegantly at a VNN (Vivienne News Network) podium.

“You’re a hero, girl,” admired a brown skinned jogger with short blonde passing Martha by. Martha basked in the attention and wealth. Who knew that getting shot at would change her life for the better.

“My mama’s a hero!” declared the son.

“She is a hero!” The brown haired casher agreed down to him as the family went grocery shopping.

“Ooooh…You’re a hero!” moaned her husband as he thrust his penis wildly in and out of her as they made love in their bedroom. Their walls were covered with pelvises and newspaper clippings of Martha under “local hero” headings.

“You’re a hero,” smiled an old praying priest who stood by her at one church meeting.

Even worse for Mayberry, a new class of children cheered, “You’re a hero!” to Martha when she taught a “How to deal with trauma 101 class.”

“Oh you’re a hero!” another man groaned as he wildly gave her anal.

Mrs. Mayberry woke up staring at a crimson red sky. Her form had completely changed… Mrs. Mayberry was now a purple demon with stripped curved horns on her head, wearing rectangular glasses. She wore a pale red shirt with x stitches on it, along with an eye where her pendant was. Her hair was long and white and pulled back with a black bandana. She wore a dark skirt with an upside down cross on it and heels. She also had sharp yellow teeth.

After finding a place to live and shying out of sight from shady strangers, Mrs. Mayberry had the chance to continue her career where she left off. So she did. It took some learning and adaptation to Hell’s culture but fortunately...it was pretty simple.

Mrs. Mayberry was soon hired at “Pentagram Penitentiary Place,” one of the top public schools in the district. It was a large school for grades K-12. The name of the school was in black letters surrounded by a red downward facing pentagram over the black front doors. “All grades in one place!” read the slogan. The building was of red-orange brick with three rows of low cracked windows facing the front. The outdoor playground consisted of rusted basketball hoops, a jungle gym, dark asphalt and a swing set that made squeaky sounds every time it was used. The slide was high up and made of metal, so that it was always painfully hot for the young demon children to slide down. A barbed wire fence with swirls of wire at the top surrounded the prison-like school.

A bunch of middle schoolers were bouncing a demon skull around and tossing it into the basketball hoops. Little preschooler demons rough-housed on the grass-less ground, laughing. One small green dragon kept making burping sounds, emitting orange sparks much to the delight of his peers. A dinosaur used his tail for a black eyed doll girl to use as a jump rope. There was even a little scary-go round that furry bird-like kids went on to test their flying and spin out of control in the air. One white bird crashed against the fence and slid down with a flop.

“Loser!” taunted a bulky blue cyclops kid wearing a baseball cap. He spat on the bird’s upside-down head and laughed with his goons. An older demon with a rhino’s horn was spray-painting teal blue penises on the walls.

“Watch your back!” he called out to a centaur who fired an arrow from a bow, startled. The green lizard demon tied to the target glanced down at the arrow that had almost gotten him in the crotch. He sighed with relief, only to have an ax lodged into his head, thrown by an orange goat teenager.

Nearby were two purple demons with silvery snake hair sitting on a concrete window ledge, wearing blouses, sequined navy skirts and shoes. They were listening to music from their Eye-Pods. One of them was painting her nails and the other took a drag from an e-cigarette. Every kid had a multiple digit number temporarily tattooed on their necks. An E, an M and an H were before the numbers, for elementary, middle and high school. The following number indicated their grade and the last two numbers were their position in alphabetical order. K or a P next to the E stood for kindergarten and preschool.

A loud buzzer rang at the top of the roof, signaling class starting. The children were lined up in front of their respective teachers. Mrs. Mayberry stood in front of her line of preschool demons.

After singing a song about a demonic turtle drowning in a bathtub with the class, she counted each child as they made their way to homeroom. They all filled in and sat at their wooden desks. The demonic alphabet was listed on a nearby poster with translations into English and other languages.

“Good morning!” Mrs. Mayberry trilled in the windowless classroom, scrapping her chalk against the blackboard before catching it with a twirl. “I hope you all did your homework.”

The kids fearfully nodded.

“Hmm, I don’t think you did, EP-04,” she scolded a demon boy wearing an orange shirt with no paper in front of him. “Go sit in time-out.”

The boy groaned and sat on a stool facing the wall. The white dunce cap burned on his head.

“The pledge of allegiance,” Mrs. Mayberry led. The class stood up with their hands on their hearts.

“I pledge allegiance and my soul to the banner

Of His Majesty Lucifer and Her Majesty Lilith

And to the unholy Inferno

For Pentagram City

One nation under Satan

Indivisible

With liberty and chaos for all!”

They sat back down.

“Now let’s sing,” Mrs. Mayberry ordered.

The demonic class broke out into song:

“We love to do our homework and learn stuff every day.”

“And when I throw in these hard questions, you should know just what to say,” Mrs. Mayberry sang.

“Okay!” they cheered.

She wrote an equation on the board. “Divide this number by…”

“Zero!”

“Our favorite paint is…”

“Bloody red!”

“And when there’s a stranger danger…”

“You stab them in the head!” they answered, making stabbing motions with their arms.

“A poison for a deep sleep?” she asked

“Wormwood! Does no good!”

“The geological components of Hell?”

“Fire and brimstone!” added a girl.

“If you can’t use love…”

“Use hate!”

“Now it’s time for us to say the day and date.”

“Your death day was on January 8th, right?” piped up a boy in the back.

Mrs. Mayberry stopped short. “Hush up! We don’t mention that date.” She turned to the class. “Go on.”

“It’s 3 in the afternoon…” said a boy.

“On October 31st,” said a green girl.

“Hell’s heat is still hot,” said another girl, sweating.

“Let’s watch the episode first!” reminded the dunce boy.

The demons went “la la la” as Mrs. Mayberry stared at the board, red eyes wide.

“Oh my suns! Stop singing children. Shut up!”

The demons fell silent.

“I forgot it’s the new episode! I’m supposed to be off to pursue my revenge!”

“Maybe you could scare your enemies at a death-day party!” a girl suggested with her hands up in the air.

Mrs. Mayberry looked at her hell-phone and saw the last seconds of an I.M.P. commercial. She stood up to walk away.

“Wait! Mrs. Mayberry,” said a girl, taking hold of her hand. “Remember what you taught us. Act before you think.”

Mrs. Mayberry pat her head. “I think not. Work on your timestamps and assignments, children. I’m off to pursue a little education of my own.”

A horn-covered sub man walked in and bellowed, “200 pushups on the double! Or it’s back to your cells!”

The demons got up from their seats and bent down to do the pushups.

Mrs. Mayberry called a taxi outside and it drove her off.

Up on a screen outside her window, Mrs. Mayberry saw a full commercial where she learned of an assassination company called I.M.P.

“Hi there, I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent and I’m the funder of I.M.P.! Are you a piece of shit that got sent to Hell? Or are you an innocent soul who just so happened to get fucked over by someone else?”

The next shot showed a bulky red demon with horns, wearing a white Ohio shirt/jersey. A sign read, “Some guy who hired us!” The demon spoke:

“After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you could imagine my surprise when I wound down here, after the State of Ohio killed me.” He rammed his meaty fists. “I really wish I could stick it to that yappy jogger who saw me hiding the body!”

“Guess I’m not the only one who murdered my spouse,” she thought. “I’ve also never seen a guy with…such muscles before…”

Blitzo appeared again. “Well luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…we promise to take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who may have screwed you over when you were alive!”

The sounds of the imp jingle motivated Mrs. Mayberry as the taxi pulled to a stop in front of the I.M.P. building. She got out, climbed up the stairs and knocked on the office door. It opened and out popped Blitzo.

“Is this I.M.P.?” she asked.

“Yes,” Blitzo said.

“I figured, since I saw the commercial. I have one bad bitch that needs to be killed. And I’ve got a lot to say.”

“Well, come on in then,” he said.

Mrs. Mayberry paced Blitzo’s office at I.M.P. headquarters as she told her story.

“I was a good person before it all went down,” she narrated, pacing to and fro. “I was good my entire life.”

She continued on, adding details about her personal life. She held a cigarette in her hand. Apparently, it was easy to get into unhealthy habits in Hell.

“You do everything right in life, play by the rules, and still get sent down here with all the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world. After one measly massacre propelled by blind rage. So that’s why I’m here. To get my revenge.”

“I mean was she hotter?” Blitzo remarked with a smirk.

The demon’s eyes flared red in anger, her face partially in shadow by the drawn blinds. A lemon tree was in the background with a sign that read “no whores” beside it. Blitzo casually lounged in his office chair.

“I’m just saying I had a hard time understanding the unprompted melodrama you just spat at me, tits,” Blitzo chuckled.

Mayberry growled and her body briefly glowed red. Her cigarette bent in her hand.

Blitzo rolled his eyes. “Anyway I don’t think you quite understand how we’re operating down here.” He stood up and Mrs. Mayberry glared at him. “You see we take revenge on the living and it sounds like the core cast of your sitcom of a death frankly are all probably down here in Hell with you. Boop.”

He bonked her on the nose.

Mayberry’s pointed tail twitched, her purple claws clenched. Her skirt was torn with holes and her feet were cloven hooves. This imp guy was worse than the demonic children she taught.

Mayberry extended her left claws. “Not all of them. That whore survived. Now they all call her a hero.”

She continued. “Between the talk shows and bullshit donations she made so much goddamn cash. Getting shot was the best thing to happen to her.”

Mayberry bashed her fists into the ground, creating cracks. “She’s not a hero!” Mayberry yelled, getting in close to Blitzo’s face.

“Yeah, okay, yeah, my thoughts exactly,” Blitzo stuttered in a rapid nervous voice. He frantically pressed a red button under the desk multiple times. The red light flashed under the “Deranged Client” label on a dashboard. The other labels read, “More Coffee,” “Soiled My Pants,” “Horny Client,” “Client Giving Birth,” “Ghost,” and “Stolas.”

Blitzo later burst through the door, followed by Mrs. Mayberry. “Guys, I’d like you to meet, our newest client!”

The room suddenly burst into flames…Blitzo was furious. He quickly led Mrs. Mayberry outside where she hopped into a taxi to wait back home.

“Bye and don’t worry,” called Blitzo to her, “We’ll get that skank in less than 24 hours or your first kill is free!”

She could only hope that crazy imp and his team could do their job.

As it turned out, Mrs. Mayberry later found out that not only had I.M.P. killed Martha, they also killed her crazy Satanic family. Mrs. Mayberry was very impressed. She held a piece of cake and laughed with the I.M.P. members for a special celebration. Millie talked about how it was okay to kill someone if they tried to kill you back.

“That’s messed up,” mentioned Mrs. Mayberry. Then she smiled. “But I paid for it!”

Everyone laughed again. Mrs. Mayberry felt good among her new allies. She had embraced her past at last.

After the celebration, she got back into the taxi but instead of heading home, she headed further into town.

There was a red Ohio demon for her to thank.

Part Two: The Imps’ Adventure

In another room, Moxxie was holding a black and red crossbow in his hands. In front of him was a picture of a smiling family: a father, a mother, a baby and two children. His arms were shaking as the reflector hovered around the man’s crotch area.

“Moxxie, stop shaking!” Millie chided. “You’re gonna shoot our only hellhound!”

Loona lay on her back on a gray couch. The family picture was in one hand and her phone was in the other. On the wall were drawings of Blitzo as a horse and a drawing of Robo Fizz with an arrow sticking out from it.

Loona spoke in a sarcastic tone, “Wow. I feel so loved here.”

“Just take a deep breath,” Millie told Moxxie, inhaling, “and let it out.”

“But, it’s a family,” Moxxie argued. “Under what circumstances would we ever need to kill a human family?”

“I mean if that’s what the client wants,” Millie began.

“Maybe like a shitty dad,” Moxxie suggested. “Or a mob family.” He spoke through his teeth, “That’s understandable.” He then spoke normally. “But to eradicate an entire innocent, seemingly innocent, upper middle class family bloodline?”

Loona stared at the picture for a moment before pointing to Moxxie.

“Hey! You don’t know their innocent.”

She pointed to the boy. “This kid probably sets dogs on fire.”

She pointed to the girl. “Maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online.”

She pointed to the father. “And this guy…” She narrowed her eyes and spoke lower. “This guy definitely watches.”

“Exactly!” Millie agreed. “Humans are full of secret nasties. It’s why so many of them end up here. But guilty and innocent aren’t our business, Mox.” She cupped his cheeks. “Killing who we’re paid to is our business. Choose a target.”

She kissed him before stepping aside. Moxxie positioned his crossbow again.

“I just think it’s a bit excessive and we could be a bit more selective, is all.”

Just then, Blitzo barged into the room, followed by Mrs. Mayberry.

“Guys! I want you to meet…”

Startled, Moxxie fired the arrow and it ricocheted around the room. Millie jumped into Moxxie’s arms as the arrow hit a computer. It then flew and poked a hole in the family picture that a startled Loona held. The arrow made impact with the bottom of an eel tank, causing it to wobble dangerously. The arrow speed toward Mrs. Mayberry but Blitzo calmly caught it in one hand.

“…our newest client!”

The eel tank suddenly fell down, glass and water pouring onto the floor. The eels burst with electricity, casing the room to erupt in flames. Loona, Moxxie and Millie cowered in fear.

“Dammit, Moxxie! I just bought those eels!” Blitzo yelled in anger.

Soon, imp firefighters rushed to the scene to put out the flames as the group waited outside. The firefighters also carried the eels away to their red fire truck. Although imps were immune to fire, the buildings were not.

Mrs. Mayberry climbed into a taxi cab.

“Bye,” Blitzo waved, “and don’t worry, we’ll get that skank in less than twenty four hours or your first kill is free!” He waved as the taxi drove away.

“When did we start implementing that deal?” Moxxie asked.

Blitzo turned to glare at him. He pulled him close, holding his face.

“When you set fire to my office in front of a…” Blitzo screamed, “client, you fucking dipshit!" He shoved Moxxie out of the way in anger. “Now someone please tell me that fancy book is still intact!”

Loona stood against the wall, typing on her phone. “You mean our only ticket to the other side?” She pulled out a blue book from behind her. “Yeah, got it.”

Blitzo came over to her and started to baby talk to her. “And that’s why you’re my favorite, Loony. You get a treat now.”

He held up a dog treat in his hands, tossed it in the air and caught it with his long tongue.

“Ew, stop it,” Loona said with disgust. Blitzo pulled the biscuit into his mouth and chewed.

“You’re so gross!” she remarked.

A nearby billboard with Blitzo’s face on it read with misspellings: “Goat an asshole in the living worlds!? Come to I Am Pee!!??! Make sure you put this sign up on the rite side. Don’t fuck this up. Also payment may take a couple of weeks because it cums in the mail. –Speech to text- -Blitzo”

Millie drew a pentagram with chalk onto the wall. The pentagram glowed red and a portal to the human world appeared.

“Aw stop it, I get enough of that from my therapist,” Blitzo told Loona before she left. He mentioned to the other imps, and moved his fist in front of him. Now let’s go lick some ass!” He pressed his hand into Moxxie’s face.

“The expression is “kick some ass.” Blitzo,” Millie mentioned before she stepped through the portal. Blitzo let go of Moxxie’ face.

“Mine’s better,” Blitzo said before following her.

“Aw, fuck,” Moxxie sighed as he followed them through the portal.

All three imps stood in front of a small red house by the lake as the sun set. Blitzo and Moxxie leaned against the side of the house, rising from the bushes. Blitzo stood up and peered into a window. A row of white flowers were on a planter on the ledge.

“That’s gotta be her,” Blitzo whispered. He then chuckled darkly. “This is too easy.” He looked over at Moxxie. “Moxxie, do you want this one?”

Moxxie looked stunned and smiled nervously. “Me?”

“Yeah, this one’s simple enough for you to handle. It’s just a happy mother who just got out of the hospital.”

Moxxie stood up and looked through the window. His face fell as he looked at the happy family enjoying dinner. A pig’s head was at the center of the table. The house was decorated with axes and guns on the walls. A lamp stand seemed to be made out of a spinal column. Ralphie and Martha affectionately rubbed each other’s noses, Martha holding a dinner platter in her hand. Moxxie hesitated; there was no way he could kill any one of them.

“You snooze you lose, Mox!” Blitzo called out.

He got out his gun, which was black with flames painted on it. The reflector was an upside down cross and it hovered over Martha’s face. She smiled with large doe eyes and blinked innocently.

“And I’ve got you, bitch,” Blitzo murmured.

“Wait, are we actually killing a family?!” Moxxie asked in disbelief.

“No, don’t be a puss, we’re just killing a mother,” Blitzo remarked. “We’re running a family.” He grinned and clicked his rifle, positioning it.

“But…” Moxxie began. “Hold on, hold on, let’s just think about it…”

Moxxie lifted up the rifle just before Blitzo fired. The bullet hit a glass mirror in the house, causing the family members to gasp in fear.

“What was that, Ralphie?” Martha asked her husband, who sat at the table.

Ralphie shook his head. “I don’t know Martha, but whatever it is…”

He stood up with a sharp-toothed grin, holding a rifle in his hands.

“They’re gonna be tomorrow night’s dinner!”

Martha set the platter down on the table, downed a glass of wine and smashed the glass on the floor.

“Alright, kids! Gun’s out!” She called with an evil grin. The kids, too, grinned evilly as they pulled out smaller guns. The boy pulled out his from his brown beaver-skin hat.

“Looks like we’ve got some rabbits to catch, youngins!” Ralphie said with an evil chuckle.

Back outside, Blitzo was fuming. “What the fuck was that, Moxxie?”

Moxxie breathed anxiously before letting out a croak, his snake-like tongue flickering. He fell to his knees, hands over his face.

“I’m sorry. They just seemed so wholesome and happy.” Tears fell from his eyes. “I panicked.”

Blitzo face-palmed. “Oh who the fuck is innocent, Moxxie? From the moment of birth, you’re already a parasite leeching off your momma’s tits.”

He grabbed his chest in an imitation of holding breasts. He leaned in and poked Moxxie painfully on the head. “Now get the fuck over yourself you baby dick prick!”

A bullet fired through the wall and shot Blitzo in the arm. He cried out as black blood splattered.

“A new hole!” Blitzo cried in terror. “Scatter!”

Blitzo and Millie leapt into the air just as another gunshot created a larger hole in the wall. A grinning Martha and Ralphie leapt through the hole and chased after them, guns drawn. Moxxie peered out from behind the bush, rapidly looking around. A child’s hand grabbed Moxxie’s pointed tail and he yelped. He only saw a barrage of fists from the children before passing out.

Millie flipped backwards along a cobblestone trail before diving into the lake.

“There you go, little critter!” Ralphie called, firing another bullet. He stepped onto the wooden dock. “Y’all can’t hide long from me!”

Millie had her head above the water under the dock, a knife in her mouth. She broke through the dock with a crash before landing with a grin, knife at the ready. Ralphie swing a beer bottle at her, but she moved behind him out of the way. Millie jumped up in the air, knife in both hands. Ralphie swung the bottle upwards, hitting her in the head. The glass shattered and she fell to the ground with a loud yelp. Millie struggled weakly to stand, but collapsed onto the dock, eye twitching. Ralphie grinned down at her as the sky spiraled red. He picked her up and headed deep into the woods.

Moxxie opened his eyes and gasped with a squeak to find his hands and body tied with rope. He appeared to be tied to a stitched up headless dead body sitting on a chair. Moxxie’s face fell in fear as he stared at the boy and girl in front of him. Both their eyes were red and devious grins formed on their faces.

Moxxie tried to defuse the fear. “Oh. Hello there little ones. Aren’t you cute?”

The children spoke in low distorted voices, the boy finishing shortly after the girl.

“It’s nice to have a new critter to play with.”

Moxxie glanced up in terror at a red spotlight above him. The light revealed a human head high up and several limbs on plaques. The wooden walls were stained with red blood. Tow plaques held stitched up faces of skin. A larger plaque displayed a dead man with long white hair, arms crossed, eyes and teeth bulging out. His upper chest was connected to the plaque. A picture frame made of bones displayed another face made of skin inside it. Human skin was tacked to the wall with “bless this mess” stitched onto it. Moxxie looked and saw a dead human body on a platter, an apple in its mouth. Organs were displayed in a nearby bowl.

Moxxie took one look at the dead body and whimpered. “Aw. Crumbs.”

Meanwhile, Blitzo was running for his life in the woods. Four gunshots rang out as Blitzo darted through a bush, leaves falling to the ground. Martha’s evil echoing laughter quickened his pace. The imp slide down a grass hill, landing on his feet. He crouched under the bushes, looking around. He panted, catching his breath.

“I know you’re hurtin’, little devil,” drawled Martha in a sing-song voice.

Blitzo darted behind a tree, taking in deep silent breaths. His back was pressed against the bark. He covered his mouth, not daring to move.

“I promise that I can make that pain go real quick.”

Martha walked through the woods, not too far away, in shadow. “Just come let Mama Martha put a bullet in that pretty little skull!”

Blitzo sighed in relief after hearing the footsteps fade.

Ring! Ring! Ahh!

A startled Blitzo scrambled to retrieve his yellow cell-phone, which was ringing a yelling ringtone. He eventually caught the phone before pressing it to his ear. The phone had a GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) on it and a laughing devil emoji with imp horns.

“This is a really bad time,” Blitzo whispered.

At Stolas’ palace, the owl prince was currently lounging in an ornate bathtub, several lit candles with blue flames positioned around the edges. Astrological symbols glowed white in a circle on the floor. The midnight blue curtains looked like the night sky, with starry designs on them. Floating constellations hovered around the room. He was the prince of astronomy as well as being horny.

“When isn’t it a bad time, Blitzy?” he mused, stretching his long slender arm. He held a rotary phone to his ear, the speakers shaped like sunflowers.

Blitzo sighed in frustration. “What is it?”

Stolas’ four red eyes blinked. “I’ve been meaning to follow up on our last conversation regarding my grimoire?”

Blitzo’s angry face appeared in a bubble.

“What did you just call me?” Blitzo asked. Stolas popped the bubble with a finger. “My book, Blitzy. The book I was given to do my job that I have allowed you to use to do yours?”

Blitzo ducked as a bullet flew through the tree he was behind. Martha’s shadowy figure appeared in the hole, her eyes and mouth glowing red.

“I can hear ya, darling!” she called out.

“Shit,” Blitzo muttered, scurrying off.

“Anywho,” Stolas continued. “I have been thinking. You know, I have been permitting you to access the mortal realm less than legally for quite some time now, but I do need it back to fulfil my duties. I was thinking, what if we worked out some sort of exchange?”

He ran a finger along the edge of the tub. He then did a walking motion with his fingers as they glowed red.

“Favors for favors? Doesn’t that sound…” He spoke seductively, “…enticing?”

Blitzo skidded to a stop as another bullet hit a tree. He ducked behind another one and frantically whispered, “You gotta stop using your fancy-ass rich people talk, okay? I’m trying to concentrate on not getting fucked in my hay!”

Bam!

Another bullet hit a spot on the tree.

“Then let me keep it simple,” Stolas explained. “Once a month, on the full moon, you return the book to me, followed by a night of…”

His eyes glowed red, his beak open in lust…

“…passionate fornication.” He briefly slid lower in the tub with a blush before rising up to lean against the tub.

“And…you get to keep it the rest of the time. Sound fair my little imp?”

“Fine, whatever!” Blitzo replied.

Blitzo let out a happy sigh. “Oh Blitzy! I’m so excited! I cannot wait to fill your slimy **** inside of my *****…”

Blitzo cringed as Blitzo went on about the sexual things he planned to do to him.

Out of nowhere, Blitzo found himself being pinned against the tree by the bottom handle of Martha’s gun.

“Got ya!” she grinned. Bltzo’s phone was on the ground, Stolas still talking.

“So, you’re a little devil, huh?” she asked, a wide grin. “Come to drag me and my kin to Hell? Well not today, Satan!”

She pressed the gun further into Blitzo. “Gonna send y’all back where ya came from!”

She hit Blitzo hard and he slumped to the ground. She took him and headed off into the woods.

Back at the house, Moxxie struggled to free his tied up hands and body. In the reflection of the window, he could see the orange yellow lights of fires. He gasped.

“Millie!”

The two kids stared deviously at him. He froze when the girl revealed a long sharp knife in her hands. Moxxie glared, determined. As the girl raised the knife, Moxxie shoved her backwards with the chair. There was a thud as the chair toppled over onto the floor. Moxxie grabbed the knife and cut the rope loose, freeing himself. A “Live, Laugh, Love” sign and a hangman’s noose hung from the wall. Moxxie burst through the round window, a shadow silhouette with glowing yellow eyes. Wasting no time, he raced into the woods and toward rows of torches. Hanging from the trees were red Satanic symbols. There were also tents around the area.

A full moon appeared in the sky from behind thin clouds. Down below, Blitzo and Millie were tied to a stake decorated with black spikes at the top. Ralphie laughed as he poured gasoline onto the ground by their feet. Martha stood nearby, holding a torch in her left hand. Her blouse was torn and low cut, with polka dots on them. Her eyes were red and she wore skull earrings.

Blitzo groaned in frustration. “I had that fucking shot. God dammit, Moxxie.”

“Satan!” Martha declared. “We return your filthy creatures back to the pits of Hell!” She raised her torch. “May the root of evil remain honored as we continue thy work!”

Martha tossed the torch underneath Blitzo and Moxxie, who still struggled to free themselves. Ralphie laughed again. The stake soon lit up in flames…

…leaving the imps unscathed.

“Yeah, that’s not exactly how it works, lady,” Blitzo explained. “Sorry, your fire doesn’t really hurt us, but I mean I could fake it if that’ll get your dick hard.” He smirked and Millie giggled.

“Oh. Shit.” Martha stared confused and rolled her eyes. “I don’t have one.”

Then she got a better idea and grinned. “Well, I’ll just shoot you in your smart-ass mouth!” She held her rifle in her hands.

“That would be more effective,” Blitzo mentioned.

“Blitzo!” Millie spat.

Martha laughed again as she raised the rifle, two barrels pointing at the imps. The imps closed their eyes and flinched.

A loud bang and a yelp was heard. Martha’s eyeball flew from her socket and she collapsed to the ground.

“Moxxie!” Millie cried, seeing Moxxie hold a gun in his hands. Moxxie raced over and untied Millie and Blitzo.

“You’re not getting your goddam paycheck for this one, Mox!” Blitzo mentioned before he fell down. Moxxie and Millie embraced each other with small smiles. They slowly moved their heads against each other in affection. Ralphie tripped over Martha’s body before fleeing the scene.

“Oh yeah, thanks! I’m fine!” Blitzo spoke out in sarcasm.

Moxxie helped Blitzo up, supporting him.

“I’m sorry, sir. I compromised our objective and put us in harm’s way. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

Blitzo pulled Moxxie into a hug. “Apology accepted.” Then he spoke to Moxxie in a low threatening voice. “But if you ever pull off a stunt like this again, I’ll fuck you and your wife.”

Just as fast, Blitzo separated from Moxxie and announced, “Alrighty! Job well done! Now let’s get off.” Millie lifted her arms in a cheer. From his chest, Blitzo pulled out a gray horse figure with a back mane like a My Little Pony toy. He put it back and retrieved his cell phone.

“Eh. Yeah give me a moment. I need to get something I left at the house,” Moxxie said.

“Okay, fine but hurry up,” Blitzo said. He put his cell phone to his ear and spoke loudly, “Loona! We’re ready to come home, dear!”

Moxxie raced through the woods, determined to set things right. In the background, Stolas was talking to Blitzo, mentioning, “You and I on…peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all night.”

Back inside the house, the boy and girl were in their father’s arms in a corner.

“Don’t move!” Moxxie demanded, pointing his rifle at them. The boy and girl looked scared and innocent. The girl even had a dark gray stitched up teddy bear with her.

Ralphie chucked. “What are you gonna do, little guy? Kill us?”

“I should!” Moxxie replied, stepping back. “You people are monsters!” Then he lowered the rifle. “But… you should have a chance at a life and a purpose. Look at your children. They have their whole future ahead of them! You are going to face your crimes, justly.”

He picked up a remote from a stand. “I am calling your earthly authorities and they will make sure you are dealt with, fairly. I am handing this, my way.”

He pressed a button and a television turned on in the adjacent room. A black and white program played. Moxxie gasped in surprise, then looked down at it.

“Oh shit,” he muttered. The black remote had pink and white buttons reminiscent of a smiling goofy face.

“Uh do you…do you have a phone to summon 911?”

“Yeah, it’s in the kitchen,” Ralphie mentioned behind him.

Moxxie held the remote. “Then what’s this for?”

“It’s a universal remote,” Ralphie replied. “Got it for the kids.” The kids smiled and he pulled them in a hug.

“Aww,” Moxxie smiled, eyes shining.

He called the police and hurried back to the portal in the dark woods.

“There he is,” Blitzo said. “Have a good wank-off session, Moxxie?”

“Excuse me?”

Blitzo walked over to him. “Well I don’t care where you cum in the living world, just come to your job on time, alright?” He poked Moxxie several times for emphasis. “See you at the office!” He ran through the portal.

Millie placed a hand on Moxxie’s cheek. “You doing okay, sweetie?”

“Better now, honey,” Moxxie replied with a smile. “I think I just needed a minute to process.”

Millie tenderly touched Moxxie’s chest. “You have a good heart, honey.” She playfully pinched Moxxie’s nose. “Just a fuzzy head.” She kissed him and Moxxie’s heart fluttered. He smiled happily as Millie walked through the portal.

Moxxie heard the whirl of blades and flashes of light. He turned around. There were police cars and a helicopter in front of the house.

A voice over a loudspeaker said, “We got em’ boys!”

A missile fired at the roof and the entire house exploded in a fiery inferno. Something hit Moxxie in the face. He stared at the ground and found the head of the teddy bear that had flown off. He stared with a shocked look of disbelief on his face. The family that had a chance to be better was now dead.

Blitzo grabbed Moxxie hard by the neck and pulled him through the portal.

Later on, everyone was laughing and celebrating back at I.M.P. headquarters. They were all wearing birthday party hats. Loona and Mrs. Mayberry held slices of cake on plates. A white banner read “Killed the bitch,” in red letters. A white and blue cake sat in front of Moxxie, the blue icing read “We did it! :)” Everyone seemed joyful except for Moxxie. He still felt awful that they had killed an entire family. An evil family, but still…They had come close to being killed or caught. Now here they were celebrating human death.

Moxxie wasn’t sure if he agreed to the “senseless killing” morals of I.M.P. anymore.

Millie squealed for joy and hugged Moxxie tight around the neck. “Did you see my little Mox, Mox? We did it! Oh Moxxie!”

“Well here’s to another mission accomplished,” Blitzo announced, “…and Moxxie finally learned not to fuck up.”

Moxxie just stared wordlessly at his plate, dark circles under his eyes.

“And killing people isn’t that big of a deal if they try to kill you back,” Millie added, rubbing Moxxie’s white head of hair.

“That’s messed up,” said Mrs. Mayberry, “But I paid for it!”

Everyone except Moxxie chuckled at that.

“Yeah, fuck that family!” Blitzo declared, raising a fist.

Helluva Boss Episode Two: Loo-Loo Land

Part One: Octavia

Hundreds of years ago in Hell…Stolas’ Palace

Before Octavia Goetia was a 117 year old owl princess (Mentally turned seventeen supposedly August 15 2003), she was a cute little child owl living with her mother and father.

At night, faint blue constellations illuminated against the exterior of the estate. On the lower jutting wall structure supporting a balcony, Stolas’ sigil symbol also glowed blue in the dark. The balcony itself was spacious and decorated with hanging see-through drapes along the pillars. Spirals and a few eyes were also part of the design above the pillars. Bushes were lined up in rows on an upper row above the balcony, with little rows of coffin-shaped windows behind them in another wall. The borders of the building were decorated with difference phases of the moon in gold. Finally, the double doors on the balcony were stained glass in yellow and orange, with a sun on the left and a crescent moon on the right.

Inside the estate, three candles cast a dim teal light in the darkened master bedroom. The spacious room had a white tall couch off to the side and a rotary phone on a nearby dresser. Hanging on the wall was a mirror and several large portraits of Stolas dressed in red robes and a crown. Rows of small red banners hung around the top of the bed and four red curtains with gold royal symbols were draped tight around the bed. The bedspread matched the curtains.

“Mommy! Daddy!”

A child’s cry from another room roused the owl prince from his slumber. One of his red eyes opened halfway, another one a slit near the top of his dark feathery head. His face was white and heart-shaped. He turned his head to where his wife was sleeping. She was a white owl with long eyebrows that extended past her face. She was curled up in most of the blankets.

“Via’s calling us, Stella,” Stolas groaned sleepily.

Stella let out a sigh. “You get up,” she replied tiredly.

Stolas sighed and rose out of bed, briefly putting his fingers to his head. He opened the door to Octavia’s bedroom. The wallpaper consisted of several columns of moons and stars. Astronomy books lined a shelf while tapped drawings on the wall showed stick figures of Stolas and Octavia, labeled “Daddy,” and “Me.” A nearby portrait showed a smiling Stolas giving an overjoyed Octavia a piggy back ride against a blue background.

Stolas opened the white door, wearing his red housecoat and a pair of demon face slippers.

“Dear? What troubles you, my owlet?”

Octavia’s room was small, with a bookcase and strings of lights hanging around. A white and pink chest and telescope were decorated with stray feathers. Her bed was decorated with small stars and a pink crown on the white headboard, sparkling curtains on either side. A stuffed cat lay on the floor. A lavender blanket with yellow stars on it was currently quivering on the bed. A small frightened face popped out from under the covers: little Octavia. She wore pink jammies with white stars on them. Her face was white and her eyes were large and pink with white pupils. Three gray feathers stuck out from her feathery head and she also had a little tail.

The little girl sobbed and climbed out of bed.

“Daddy! Daddy!”

She ran into her father’s arms.

“I had a dream! A really bad dream!” Her mouth quivered in a whimper.

Stolas scooped her up into his arms and yawned.

“A nightmare.”

He wiped a tear away from her face.

Octavia spread out her arms. “I was looking all over the palace and…I couldn’t find you anywhere! You weren’t there!”

Tears appeared from her eyes and she hugged her father around the neck.

“There, there, Via. It’s okay; you’re okay.”

He pat her several times on the back and carried her into the room. A blue grimoire with a golden crescent moon on the cover floated into the room in a purple cloud of magic.

Stolas sat down on the bed, Octavia in his lap. The book hovered next to him and he waved his hand to turn the pages. Stolas looked at Octavia.

“When you’re sacred and you don’t know where I am, you must remember: I will never be far away from my special little Starfire.”

He playfully poked her on the nose and she giggled.

Stolas waved his hand and magic surrounded it. He moved his hand to the ceiling and created a starry portal above their heads. Octavia looked up with wonder in her eyes. It was then that Stolas started singing his lullaby: “You Will Be Okay.”

“It always seems more quiet in the dark”

“It always feels so stark”

Both of them floated upward through the hole. A brilliant indigo night sky filled with stars was revealed. A small bright sun and a distant ringed planet hovered in the distance. Stolas stood on the surface of a large white moon dotted with craters of various sizes.

“How silence grows under the moon

Constellations gone so soon”

Stolas’ feet made talon bird tracks on the surface as he carried his daughter.

“I used to think that I was bold

I used to think love would be fun

Now all my stories have been told

Except for one”

Stolas looked down at Octavia’s innocent eyes as their faces shone from the pinkish light of the nearby star. Octavia was the ongoing part of his life that Stolas continued to live for, day by day. In all the centuries of his long life, no sexual conquests, no battles nor royal duties could compare with the unique experience of raising a child. In a sea of constellations, Octavia was a guiding light to a greater purpose.

The ringed planet hovered beside another planet bathed in purple-pink light. A rocky meteor caught on fire and soared toward a molten planet.

“As the stars start to align

I hope you take it as a sign

That you’ll be okay”

Stolas sat down on a small rock and held his daughter close.

“Everything will be okay.”

The meteor slowly dipped into the molten planet, turning a fiery orange. The meteor broke through the planet, causing it to break into rocky pieces. Stolas and Octavia sat on a floating chunk of rock as light burst upward from between the gaps of the planet debris.

“And if the Seven rings collapse

Although the day could be my last

You will be okay. When I’m gone you’ll be okay…”

Octavia yawned and nestled into her father’s feathery chest with a small smile on her sleepy face. Stolas knew that even a powerful demon like himself could not live forever. Angelic weapons could kill both Hell-born and Sinners in Hell. The higher class Hell-born could respawn like the Sinners but unlike the dead previous humans, the Hell-born aged slowly and could die of natural causes like mortals.

Stolas was a part of a powerful ancient clan of demons, one of the first in Hell. The Ars Goetia brothers in arms were very numerous and powerful…desirable targets for enemies like Valentino and the lot. The family living for so many years didn’t lessen the potential sadness that permanent death would bring.

Like any good parent, Stolas wanted what was best for his child; to pass down some existential knowledge for her to remember later on.

“And when creation goes to die

You can find me in the sky”

Seven planets flew toward the sun, creating powerful impacts. The planets turned ashen black before everything burst into an explosion of light. Stolas’ vocalizing face was illuminated by the large pink smoke from the galactic explosion.

Tears pooled in Stolas’ eyes as the portal closed behind him, now back in the bedroom. A red and gold metallic model of a solar system hung from the back wall. Stolas lifted the starry blanket and draped it over a sleeping Octavia.

“Upon the last day

And you will be okay…”

Stolas walked toward the door, looking at her lovingly again before closing it. Octavia slept peacefully in her bed like a happy chick in a nest.

Stolas’ palace, Dec 9 2020, present day

Octavia jolted awake suddenly, her pink eyes angular with constricted white pupils. Her hand rested by her face. Her eyes narrowed in anger, her fist clenched as piercing yelling from another room echoed off the walls.

Her parents were having yet another fight.

She got out her phone and texted Loona: “Parents fighting again. Fuck my life.”

Loona replied: “Srry 2 hear that. Currently dealing with asshole boss and Moxxie the dick. Hang out at concert Friday?”

Octavia: “Hope so. Mom has grudge against imps and hellhounds, what a royal bitch.”

Loona: “Smh. Hang in there, my friend.”

Octavia knew that her regal mother, Stella was pissed that Stolas had fucked the imp Blitzo behind her back. Octavia often worried that Stolas would go on some honeymoon with that creature and leave her behind with Stella. Stella wasn’t cruel but she was sterner than Stolas was. Octavia didn’t know which was worse, her father’s childish attitude laced with a perverted nature…or her mother’s cold critiques of Octavia’s behavior. Stella loved her but expected her to mold into the royal role she was given from birth. Stella was more concerned with tea parties, fashionable attire and her appearance than Octavia’s many thoughts.

Currently, Octavia was just a typical emo/goth teenager who had to deal with a lot of stuff going on.

Octavia’s room was different as well. More spacious, it had a couple of slanted windows between purple drawn curtains that let in some light. A solar system mobile hung from the ceiling in the center of the room. A mirror hung on the wall along with several banners with suns and moons on them. A long couch in the style of white feathers sat off to the side, complete with comfy cushions and pillows. There was a smaller purple telescope as well. Her bed still had the sparkling starry drapes and above that, were hanging purple drapes with a small moon on it and a large pink eye at the very top. Her bedspread was midnight blue with crescent moons on them and the chest by her bed was plainer than before.

Octavia sat up in bed, with her feathers ruffled, quite literally as well as figuratively. With a grumpy look on her face, Octavia inserted earphones into her ears and held a blue phone in her hand, decorated with a yellow crescent moon. Octavia got dressed in her usual pink shirt with stars on it, black pants, shoes and a crown on her head.

A playlist of songs appeared, the majority of them were by My Chemical Romance and some were by Lilith. An icon with flames and a sad face appeared on the screen and she pressed the play icon. Pop music played in her ears as a person sang: “My world is burning down around me.”

The screams grew with intensity as she got out of bed and walked down a hall lined with Venus Fly Trap plants of different colors. They were arranged in a pattern of brown, magenta and purple. One poor potted planet crashed to the floor in front of Octavia. She stepped over the mess as she continued listening.

She could hear the vehement arguments form her parents as she walked into the spacious kitchen.

There was her mother, Queen Stella in a white dress with the top part of her outfit a light pink. A crown was on her head and light gray feathers fanned from her head like long hair.

“I can’t believe you slept with an imp, in our fucking bed!”

“It was unexpected!” Stolas replied. “I didn’t have time to go to a motel!”

Stella seethed in disgust. “A motel?! Like a fucking plebian?!” (Roman word for commoner)

“You want to fuck this one too?!”

In a fury, she grabbed a small white dressed imp butler and tossed him at her husband.

Stolas flinched, holding up his hands. “No! Of course not!”

Stella pointed a finger at him. “You are a god damn embarrassment! I’m not spending another moment looking at your pathetic, imp-sucking face!”

Stella stormed out of the room, tossing and breaking more of Stolas’ beloved plants as she yelled.

Stolas sighed in exasperation before turning to look at his sulking daughter who was sitting at a table with a box of cereal.

“Good morning, Octavia!” he greeted. “Did you sleep well, my owlet?”

“Was that a serious question?” she deadpanned as she drank coffee from a mug.

“Mm-hmm…” Stolas began as he walked to an old fashioned white refrigerator with the royal crest on it. He opened the door and took out a slab of zebra meat on a plate. In a corner shelf was a can of soda and a cartoon of chocolate milk. In a zip-lock bag were three white dead mice for a later snack. (They are owls after all!)

“What’s that you’re listening to?” he asked, with a snap of his fingers.

“This song is called “My World Is Burning Down Around Me.” It’s by Fuck You Dad. It’s a band.”

“Oh…how charming…” Stolas chuckled bemusedly. He shut the door and fed the meat to a large white potted plant in a small alcove off the kitchen as he pet it. The satisfied plant closed its three eyes. A starry calendar hung on a nearby wall.

“So…you two done screaming for the day?” Octavia asked.

“Um…” Stolas began as Stella let out another scream of anger along with a crash.

Stolas walked over to Octavia, who had a box of Robo Fizz’s Greed Seed cereal next to her. He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You know what I haven’t done in a long, long time? I haven’t taken you to your favorite place in all of Hell! Why don’t we go to Loo-Loo Land?” He mentioned to a portrait of Stolas, Stella and a happy child Octavia in a dress at an apple theme park.

“I’m not five anymore.”

“You always were so happy when I took you to Loo-Loo Land! What do you say we go there again, have a day, just the two of us!”

“I’d rather kill myself,” she deadpanned.

“There we go!” Stolas beamed, bypassing her comment. “Anything but staying in this house.” He lifted a finger. “Now, I’ll arrange our security.”

He picked up a white rotary phone carried on a platter by the battered imp servant.

“Security for a theme park?”

“We are rich, and we’re hot. People want our money and our bodies!”

“Our money, maybe,” Octavia said under her breath. Stolas rotated the dial a few times.

“Speak for yourself, Princess. Now, I’m calling the only man who can fuck me!”

Octavia looked with disgust, cereal falling from her hand. “What?”

“Who can protect me! Us. Being part of the Goetia family is rather valuable, you know.” The imp collapsed.

Octavia groaned and pulled her hat down over her eyes.

At the I.M.P. office, there was a picture of Blitzo wrapped in a towel with the words “#1 bitch” on it, with the word “boss” in red over the letters. A paper crown rested on one corner of the picture frame.

Blitzo played with crude representations of Moxxie and Millie made of office supplies. “Millie” was made from a stick and clips while “Moxxie” was made from an eraser.

“Oh, Blitzo, you’re such a good boss!” Blitzo impersonated Millie. “Yeah, I really want you sir,” he impersonated Moxxie. “Me too!” he said as Millie. “Let’s three-way!” he said as himself before lowering the office puppets to his crotch. The screaming ringtone of his cell-phone interrupted his pansexual fantasy.

“What?!” he yelled into it. He lounged in his chair, legs propped up as he drank iced coffee from a bloodstained mug. A poster with SpindleHorse on hind legs with “Wild and Free,” hung from the wall.

“Why hello, my big-dicked Blitzy!” Stolas spoke lustfully.

Both Blitzo and Octavia forcefully spit out their coffee.

Blitzo spoke angrily, “What…”

Octavia said, “The…

Blitzo: “Fuck…”

Octavia: “Dad?!

“Language! Everyone!” Stolas shouted out loud before speaking into the phone. “I have a special request.”

“Aw look,” Blitzo mentioned, “I just had a chemical peel, so you’ll have to find someone else’s face to plant that feathered ass!” He was in no mood for another intimate session.

“It’s for my daughter.”

A session with Stolas’ daughter? “Ah, well make sure she washes it.”

“Oh! No! No, no, no!” Stolas cried taken aback. “I’m taking my daughter to Loo-Loo Land and I was hoping you brave little imps would accompany us.”

“We’re assassins, not bodyguards, okay? Don’t invite us to shit unless someone’s gonna die.”

“I’ll pay you.”

“With what?”

“Money.”

“Done!” Blitzo yelled in confirmation, accidentally smashing his phone against the desk. He glanced in annoyance at the shattered pieces before producing a white megaphone with a painted monster mouth on it. He put the crown on his head.

“M and M, get in here! We’re goin’ to Loo-Loo Land!”

Moxxie opened the door to respond. “Loo-Loo Land?” he asked in concern. An excited Millie smashed her head through the glass window of the office door. “Loo-Loo Land!” Her eyes were shining.

“Loo-Loo Land!” Blitzo yelled excitedly through the megaphone, his long snake-like tongue flickering.

“Shut the fuck up!” Loona yelled from another room.

Part Two: Loo-Loo Land

Loo-Loo Land was a knockoff apple themed park located in Mammon’s Ring of Greed. The sky was blue instead of red like it was in the Ring of Pride. Indeed, there were Seven Rings in this Hell ruled by Archdemons and named after the Seven Deadly Sins: Pride, Envy, Lust, Sloth, Greed, Gluttony, and Wrath. Only sinners could dwell in the Ring of Pride; it was Lucifer’s punishment since he hated mortals. Lucifer, Satan, Leviathan, Mammon, Asmodeus, Belphegor and Beezelbub were the Archdemons…but Lucifer was the Ringmaster of all of them!

A wide array of attractions spun, lit up, whirled and roared to life, some of them reaching toward the sky. There was a large Ferris wheel with a large blue star structure in the center. A star flyer swing ride spun people on swings, while a towering red roller coaster contrasted against the blue sky. A brick tower displayed an eye with pointed ears on the top of it. A white and red stripped circus tent stood between two tall pillars with red painted caramel apples on top as part of the design. Two smiling red apples wearing straw hats were the pillars that flanked the entrance. A teal sign with blinking lights around the border read “Mammon’s Loo-Loo Land” in white, the last “o” hanging lopsidedly. A cardboard cutout of Robo Fizz had an extended hand in an arch holding a welcome sign. A sign read, “Legally he have to say this,” and another sign said “Not affiliated with Lu Lu World.” Another sign read “Money please!” by a ticket booth.

A dark gray van pulled into a parking spot and Moxxie got out. He walked with a blank expression on his face, wearing a black suit and dark sunglasses like his imp colleagues. A bold red I.M.P. decal was spray painted onto the van door. Moxxie slid open the door.

There was the hunched black silhouette of Stolas, his four red eyes glowing menacingly in the dark. He got out of the van, a happy tall owl wearing red shorts and a white Loo-Loo Land shirt. There was a brief silhouette of Octavia, her two eyes glowing violet. Octavia seethed in annoyance as she peered out through the door. Blitzo and Millie came along as well, getting up from the red seats. Stolas put on an apple hat with big eyes and excitedly mentioned for his daughter to come along. Octavia covered her face with her black hat before following.

In a black suit and sunglasses, Blitzo strolled by Stolas with a serious expression as they walked by a booth that sold apple Loo-Loo hats. By a clock with a black crown on it that read 7:30 AM, was another booth with “Balloons Attack” on it.

“Now remember, this is work and work only,” Blitzo reminded Stolas. “Me and my crew are not here to satisfy your perverted bird needs, alright?”

“Hey, dad, do we have to…” Octavia complained before Blitzo cut her off.

“Okay, yeah, hold on right there, sweetie.” He turned to Stolas, holding an accusing finger at him. “If you try fuckin’ my little ass in that park, I swear to…”

Stolas leaned down and playfully tapped and booped Blitzo on the nose. “You are so cute when you are serious!”

“I am literally going to be sick,” Octavia deadpanned.

“Oh crumbs!” exclaimed Moxxie, rummaging through his small gray bag. “I knew today would be a lot! What do you need?”

Moxxie fished around in the bag, retrieving pill bottles. “Antacids? Ibuprofen? Morphine?”

With a sharp toothed grin, Moxxie showed Octavia eight hypodermic needles with a glowing green substance in them.

“That was figurative, old man,” Octavia replied, arms crossed before walking away.

“Oh, right,” Moxxie chuckled sheepishly as he casually tossed the needles into a baby stroller by the cotton candy booth. A red baby imp wearing a bib with a pentagram on it stuck out his tongue and cooed as he reached playfully toward the deadly looking needles.

“But she said it was ‘literally,’” Moxxie muttered under his breath.

On a wall of a Plush booth were Robo Fizz posters and several taped signs that read: “Not Lu Lu World! Stop showing complaints,” “Does Lu Lu World have a sex robot? No! Stop asking!” “I would never do that to my BFF Lucifer.” “Everyone is so mean to me.”

Millie took off her sunglasses and beamed. “Wooow! I haven’t been to this place since I was a tot!”

An R on an “Apple Core Roll” sign fell off and squashed a poor teen imp below it. Moxxie flinched.

“It hasn’t changed a bit! Oh! Look! It’s Big Lovely!”

Near a gray Extermination booth with exterminator plush heads stood a blue animatronic T-Rex dinosaur wearing a shirt with a planet on it. It had yellow lopsided eyes. Three imps stood to watch it. It suddenly opened its mouth and let out a fierce roaring shriek.

“That is…deeply upsetting,” Moxxie mentioned. Millie pulled him toward her. “Oh come on! It’s fun! You’ve never been here?”

“No,” said Moxxie. “Theme parks always disturbed me. Especially the mascots,” he shivered.

The park’s apple mascot suddenly appeared behind Moxxie. It was a large red apple with a big row of teeth with several holes in them. The top of the apple was green and a black top hat rested on top of the costume. The eyes were big, the black pupils shaped like Pacman symbols. The mascot also wore gloves.

“Well hey there!” the mascot called in a goofy southern accent.

Moxxie screamed in fright as the imps both turned around.

“I’m Loo-Loo! Welcome to Loo-Loo Land!” said the mascot, spreading out his arms. “If y’all get hurt here, just try and sue us!” The mascot stood on an apple design on the ground as the animatronic head fell onto another imp. Stolas and Octavia stood near a carousel with monstrous looking horses and a small triceratops dinosaur. Some of the horses had bat wings, painted eyes all over and fiery shaped manes.

Stolas’s eyes glowed with childish excitement, while Octavia stood embarrassed. “Look! Via! It’s Loo-Loo!”

“I have a question,” Octavia stated, holding up a finger.

The mascot leaned in close to her. “Well ask away, little girlie!” The mascot bounced around, an eyeball hanging out as he made “a-hyuk, a-hyuk a-hyuk” sounds.

“Is it true this park is just a really shameless spin-off of Lucifer’s far more popular Lu Lu World?” Octavia smirked as Stolas looked at her with a pleading frown.

The mascot paused. “No?”

Octavia narrowed her eyes and scoffed. “This place reeks of insecure corporate shame.”

Stolas chuckled in embarrassment before leading Octavia away. “Why don’t we go check out the rides?”

“That chick’s creepy, huh?” the mascot asked.

“Ah, wait till her dad tries to diddle your holes,” Blitzo deadpanned.

“What’s that mean?”

“Don’t talk to me!” Moxxie called in suspicion, poking a finger at him. “I know you’re a pervert under there!”

Moxxie and Millie left. The mascot hung his body in dejection as he sighed “Yeah.”

Moxxie and Millie headed down a pathway while a sweating Moxxie stopped to catch his breath. “You really like this place, huh?”

“I love this place!” Millie exclaimed. “My parents would bring me and my siblings here, when they could swing it, Money-wise.” Willie and Lillie were Millie’s brother and sister and sometimes they were just as excited as she was. Unlike Blitzo’s mean father Donner and Moxxie’s parents, Millie’s parents tried to do what was best for their children while also attempting to survive.

An imp wearing loose clothing and a baseball cap pushed a wheelbarrow full of money into a nearby toy shop. A nearby sign on a brick wall showed a Robo Fizz doll and the words, “New! Fizzy Buddy! He laughs, he sings, he swears! Tell your parents to buy me! Over 100 lovable phrases! Posable! Only 48% asbestos.”

The two imps approach a window where apple plushies and apple shaped novelty cups with Ls on them were sold for $29.

Moxxie mentioned, “Yeah, the prices do seem rather criminal. I mean, that much for a novelty cup you use one time?”

“’Cause it’s Loo-loo Land!” Millie said excitedly. Blitzo walked over, slurping from a straw in a novelty cup. He wore a hat with an apple on it and two can holders and straws attached to it. Loo-Loo Land brought back memories of him and his sisters doing jokes and performing at the circus.

“Listen to your ho’ Mox,” Blitzo said, mentioning behind him. “How ‘bout I take the first watch while you two…” he winked, “have a little fun.” Stolas held up a white shirt with an apple on it to Octavia who frowned.

“Oh!” Millie cried. “We gotta do my favorite ride!” She picked Moxxie up and carried him as she ran.

“Oh yeah? Whi-Which one?”

Millie and Moxxie raced over to The Lawsuit roller coaster, the carts were red with the front displaying a green grin. The ride plunged at a sheer 90 degree drop while on fire. A lone rider hung on for dear life and screamed as the ride plunged into a tunnel in the ground. The mascot posed by a height rules sign. Later on, Moxxie threw up in a trash can as an angry vomit covered imp family glared at them. Even the red three eyed dragon from the petting zoo glared at Moxxie.

Stolas happily carried a balloon in his hand while Octavia slouched on. They walked by a stand that read “Funnel Cakes: Eternal Suffering” with popcorn and a sausage on a fork. Blitzo snuck around like a secret agent with his sniper rifle. He appeared on a teal-green tent roof of an “Ice Cream Bugs” stand. Blitzo slid with his rifle and knocked over cups at a “Hot and Cold Drunks” stand. The imps glared at him as he toppled backwards onto the ground. A nearby blaster game was titled “Stop that Soul” and showed a frowning sun and cardboard angels in clouds with xs over their eyes. Another sign read “Hax Away.”

Five grinning imps with knives and weapons peered out from an alleyway at Stolas, itching to kill him and steal the prince’s money. Blitzo slid along the floor, then glared at the imps, causing them to scatter away. Blitzo aimed his sniper again, near a game where imps could knock out mechanical clown’s teeth at “Teeth Off!” Stolas tilted his head upside down and stroked Blitzo’s horns from above. There was a game where one could toss balls into skulls and a ring toss with real spikes to toss them onto.

“You know, it’s quite thrilling to see you on the job, Blitzy.”

“Save it, bitch. I’m working.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “You both need to get a room.”

“Hey!” Blitzo called. “I am not a day-hooker!”

A nearby imp mother and her baby glared at Blitzo.

“What? I just said I’m not one, prude!” He flipped her the bird. A nearby film sign read “Pirana.”

Meanwhile, Moxxie and Millie walked along a line of booths, one read “Muppet” and one read “Knock a Bottle.” Millie suddenly beamed and pulled Moxxie toward another vendor. A smug imp wearing a yellow hat and a red shirt spotted them.

“Hello, hello!” he called. “Step right up and win a thing!”

Millie’s eyes shone as she gasped and pointed upwards. “Oh, look Moxxie! A thing!”

The “thing” was a purple stuffed animal wearing pink overalls with stripped imp horns. It had a yellow beak, an upside down cross on it and a tag with “Thing?” on it.

Moxxie looked at her with a grin. “Oh, you like that thing?”

“Yessss!” Millie exclaimed, drawing out the word. “I don’t know what that thing is, but I want that thing!”

Moxxie straightened his bow tie with a smug look. “Finally something I can handle.”

He walked up to the vendor, took out some money and handed it to the carnie. “Okay! One game, please!”

The carnie rolled his eyes and handed Moxxie a clown-like blaster with his tail. Moxxie pulled the trigger with one eye shut and the cork projectile hit the bullseye on the cardboard smiling apple’s behind. Millie clapped in the background. Moxxie made a “ricochet” noise and blew the black powder smoke clear of the gun.

The carnie just grinned. “Strike one, little man!”

Moxxie stared in disbelief. “But I hit it!”

“Hmm, I don’t know what to tell you, buddy. The target, see? It didn’t go down. So yeah, no go, bro.”

Moxxie slammed another dollar bill onto the counter, picked up the gun and fired again. He hit the bullseye but the cardboard apple stayed in place. He slapped the pistol in annoyance. “The Heaven’s wrong with this thing?!”

The carnie smirked. “Oh man, a real shame I tell ya. Whaa, whaa!” He pretended to cry and rub his eyes.

Moxxie hissed in anger and slapped another bill on the counter. “Another!”

Again and again Moxxie tried to hit it, but the carnie rigged the game, not making the apples go down. Soon, the carnie was holding 600 souls of Moxxie’s money, the dollar bills had Robo Fizz on them. He rolled one bill up into a cigar and put it in his mouth.

“Wow! Man, you’re really starting to make this sad. You know, if you suck, you suck! Guess you won’t win your honey here a prize.”

Moxxie seethed in anger.

“Let me try!” Millie said, taking the blaster from Moxxie. She fired it and the cork flew far off between the apples. The carnie grinned mischievously, and pressed a foot pedal, making an apple target go down.

“Oh, look at that! Lucky shot, baby,” the carnie said. He wiggled the rolled up bill against Moxxie and dropped it. Millie laughed and clapped.

Moxxie yelled, “Are you kidding me?! You…you…charlatan!”

The carnie pressed his hand into Moxxie’s face. “Hey, uh get lost pipsqueak, I’m talkin’ to the lady.”

He leaned toward her and made a purring sound, causing her to flinch back in disgust.

Meanwhile, Stolas pulled Octavia close with a gasp, letting go of his balloon.

“Look, Via! You used to cry such tears of joy at this show!”

Stolas mentioned to a large circus tent with promotional signs of Robo Fizz on either side. A mother imp tried to drag her crying child toward the tent.

“Oh no…” Octavia breathed, her white pupils constricting. A flashback of when she was a young girl came back to her. She was pushed against the stage by other cheering imp children. Robo Fizz was a robotic imp jester who posed on the stage with his arms spread out. An animatronic band was behind him. A neon sign above read “Fizzarolli and Friends,” with the “R” burnt out which made it look like “Fiends.” Robo Fizz sparked and cackled, wiggling his fingers and leering over a crying Octavia. Off to the side, a scowling Blitzo was dressed in clown makeup and attending a food cart.

Back in the present, Octavia and Blitzo muttered at the same time: “I hate that fucking clown!”

Meanwhile, Stolas happily waved as he was being held captive in the air by the gang of imps pointing weapons at him.

“Oh Blitzy! I need my bodyguard, please!” Stolas smiled unconcerned before another imp jumped up and put a purple cloth sack over the owl’s head. Another imp grinned and held Stolas’ wallet. One imp jumped, trying to skewer him with a pitchfork. Blitzo turned around and fired his rifle, shooting the imp in the torso. Black blood splattered against the cloth sack over Stolas’ head. The imps dropped him and quickly scattered away. Blitzo carried Stolas into the tent and set him down on a wooden bench before leaving. Octavia sat next to him, rolled her eyes and removed the blood-soaked cloth form Stolas’ head. The owl blinked, wondering where he was.

Two spotlights merged into one on the stage and Robo Fizz flapped open the curtains. He wore a jester outfit and his horns were covered with stripped cloth and little bells hung from the ends. A happy face and sad face pin were by his shoulders along with a string of lights as a necklace. His pants were stripped and he wore gloves. His shirt had small white hearts near the bottom and his eyes glowed an eerie green.

Six lit up arrow signs pointed to him and read: “Fizzarolli,” “Robot property of Mammon,” “Look at him go!” “Yes! Love 2 c it!” “Wow!” “He.”

Robo Fizz held up a sign with “Lu Lu” crossed out in red with “Loo-Loo, the better one,” on it. He also briefly held out a red and gold contract signed by Mammon: “This is a statement regarding the unfair accusations that my theme park “Loo-Loo Land” is trying to profit off my friend and ruler Lucifer’s park Lu Lu World. This is false. These allegations are baseless and untrue. You are all just dicks. Fuck right off and stop saying that, alright? They are legally distinct. I checked. Signed Mammon.”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey implings!” he said in his showman voice. “It’s me, the Robotic Fizzarolli! Shipped from Mammon’s factory to bring you a wonderful show celebrating Loo-Loo Land (spelled with O’s to avoid lawsuits!) Hit it!”

Rows of spotlights lit up and he began to sing. The curtains opened and Robo Fizz’s Five Nights at Freddy’s band played. An open clown mouth served as the stage backdrop. Robo Fizz rapidly pointed at a boy imp and a girl imp and made his rounds toward Stolas and Octavia. He moved back to the stage just as Blitzo aimed his sniper at him in warning. The band played on a rising structure shaped like a cake, decorated with eyes and sharp spikes.

“Loo-Loo Land, Loo-Loo Land!

Everybody sing along with the Loo-Loo band!

Every girl, every boy, every woman, every man

Loves Loo-Loo Land!”

An animatronic bear and a smaller rabbit meshed together played a red banjo with a pentagram on it. A lopsided dinosaur played a guitar decorated with flames. A green frog with large human teeth played the Robo Fizz head drums and a brown dog played the triangle. The two speakers on either side were shaped like weapons and had skulls on them. “Fizzarolli and Friends” sign glowed at the top.

“Loo-Loo Land! Loo-Loo Land!

Everything is beautiful in Loo-Loo Land!

Ugly children holdin’ hands

In Loo-Loo Land!”

Robo Fizz briefly pulled a crowd of imps into a hug before spinning around and tossing them aside. They crashed back into the stands. He hugged the animatronic dinosaur which fizzled and slapped the bear and rabbit, which squirted black ink at a nearby imp.

He poured gasoline onto a pile of “cease and desist” papers, causing them to go up in flames.

“Everybody’s friendly, and nobody is mean

No copyright infringement’s ever seen!”

In an imitation of Princess Charlie, Robo Fizz then posed on top of a piano. He stood on top, hand over his heart in the spotlight.

“I have a dream (he has a dream)

I’m here to tell (he has to tell)

About a magical fantastic place called Loo-Loo Land!”

He spun his body around and landed in a pose with arms and legs spread out. Octavia watched with disgust and boredom.

“Loo-Loo Land, Loo-Loo Land!

Everybody sing along with the Loo-Loo band!

Every girl, every boy, every woman, every man

Loves Loo-Loo Land!”

The show ended with a pyrotechnic display. Green flames ate up one of the curtains and Robo Fizz laughed as he did a final pose up front. Octavia leaned her head back and pounded her fist on the bench in annoyance. Stolas cheered and rapidly clapped.

“Ohhohohoho! How delightful! Haven’t had this much fun since the last Harvest Moon Festival…” Octavia hid her face in her hat again.

Behind Stolas, an imp armed with a wave-shaped keris sword rose from beneath the seats, ready to stab him. The imp’s head was quickly blown apart by Blitzo at the back seats.

“Oh! My, what aim you have, Blitzy!” Stolas praised.

“Ugh! I can’t do this anymore!” Octavia shouted in frustration.

“Octavia!” Stolas reached out in concern as the owl teen stormed off. Stolas chased after her as Blitzo followed suit. Robo Fizz cackled as he spotted the imp dashing along.

“Ha ha ha hoho-oh! Is that Blitzo my sensors spot up there?” He emphasized the silent “O” in his name. “I bet the kiddies are still running away from you, huh?”

He spun his head around in loops and cackled.

“The “O” is silent now!” Blitzo stopped and yelled.

Robo Fizz mocked him some more and did wild dance-like poses. “Uh huh! Just like your audience always was when you to-told your lazy jokes here!”

Blitzo tossed his sunglasses aside. “I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap-ass ripoff of an overrated sell-out jester!”

“Oh ho ho! Someone’s salty! Real or not though, people love me! Does anybody love you…”

His face turned dark and his eyes glowed menacingly, grin stretched wide, “Blitzo?!”

“No. But I’m really good with guns now!” Blitzo took out his sniper. “Dance, bitch!”

Blitzo slammed a new magazine into his rifle, switched it to full-auto and opened up on Robo Fizz, who cartwheeled out of the way of the rounds. He rapidly spun like a wheel up the stairs to where Blitzo was. He coiled himself around Blitzo like a snake, before using his momentum to launch the imp out of the tent.

“Fuck meeeee!” Blitzo yelled.

Outside, Wally Wayford, an imp with a southern accent was selling lit torches. There were two posters of Robo Fizz, the first was “Fizzarolli and the Handy Dandies.”

The other showed Robo Fizz with handcuffs: “Robo Fizz Personal Companion. Gives and receives. Ribbed for your pleasure. Real tentacle action. Ten speed vibration. BDSM feature. Machine Washable.”

“Torches, I say, I say!” Wally said in a southern accent. “Get your inconvenient torches here!”

Blitzo landed on the cart with a yell, which scattered the green torches everywhere.

“Ow…I say ow!” Wally yelled.

The flames lit the big top of fire. The flames rapidly spread to all corners of the park. Burning animatronics fled the tent as Robo Fizz cackled with demonic glee at the chaos.

Back at the blaster game, Blitzo had crash landed through the roof and into the pervert carnie just in time, saving Millie.

“Sir?” asked Moxxie, surprised.

“Oh hey guys!” a dazed Blitzo replied. “You should probably go and uh…make sure Stolas is okay! I got some…unfinished business to take care of.”

Blitzo stood up and drew a brown flintlock pistol and fired. Robo Fizz swayed creepily toward Blitzo, a red eye showing on his burning grinning face, green flames behind him. The impact spun Robo Fizz’s head around…but the jester was unharmed by the shot.

“Oh what a mouth!” Blitzo exclaimed as Robo Fizz caught the bullet in his mouth and spat it out. Blitzo grimaced as Robo Fizz rolled at him again. Moxxie, Millie and Blitzo jumped out of the way as the jester hit the booth, destroying it in a large explosion. Shrapnel and several white imp head prizes flew through the air on fire. The piece of a stuffed animal hit a young imp boy on the head, leaving him unconscious. The photographer then snapped the picture of the imp family.

“Goddammit Nathan!” the fat father yelled. “You ruined another bloody photo! Why were you even born?!”

Stolas wandered around other booths: Aim and Fire Shoot Apple, Happy Ducking, and a bomb themed Knok Knok game. One was called Eggs in the Basket, Poison Apples sold caramel apples decorated like slimy skulls and a dunking game was called Drown the Sinner.

Stolas then gasped. “Octavia!”

Octavia ran into a fun house shapes like an elongated head of Lucifer. The face was white with the blushes on the cheeks and the eyes were green and snake-like. The steps were positioned onto a long tongue and the fun house entrance was shaped like Lucifer’s fanged mouth. A top hat and an apple reading “Fun House” was at the top. Stolas followed her inside as two grinning imps held rope and weapons close behind.

The neon interior was filled with eyes, tubes, swinging pendulums, mirrors and disembodied hands. Stolas went further into the room and looked around. A sign reading “Smile” had an arrow pointed down at a tunnel. A shadow appeared behind Stolas as a random imp jumped onto his shoulders.

“Um, I think I’m supposed to be body-guarded right now!” Stolas said, annoyed.

The imp covered Stolas’ mouth with his shirt sleeve, but was shot in the head, falling to the ground. Moxxie and Millie appeared in the entryway, Millie had just shot the imp.

“Ugh. That’s better,” Stolas said, brushing his sleeve. “Where is Blitzy? He’s my knight in shining armor, not you littler ones.” Even his apple hat got an annoyed expression on it.

The imps came over to him, Millie hugging the thing stuffed animal. “He’s…uh busy.”

“Being a fool,” said Moxxie.

“What kind of fool?” asked Stolas.

“The “everything is now on fire,” kind,” Moxxie replied.

Stolas left the imps, dodging two swinging pendulums, and headed down a tunnel into an adjoining room filled with eyes on the wall. He then spotted Octavia sitting in one of four apple-themed rail cars, crying.

“Octavia…” Stolas breathed. He took off his apple hat and it fell to the floor, the goofy face now a sad face, reflecting Stolas’ emotional state.

Stolas scooted next to Octavia, leaving a bit of space between them. “I take it you are…not having fun.”

“I didn’t even want to come here!” Octavia protested.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I thought you loved it here.”

Octavia glared at her father. “When I was a kid and my parents didn’t hate each other, and my dad didn’t flirt with some weird red dickhead the entire time.”

Both owls looked downcast.

“I’m sorry, Via,” Stolas said. “I’m sorry for everything happening right now. I know it’s a lot but I…uh…I should have listened.”

“I just want to go home, but home doesn’t even feel like home anymore. You ruined it.” More tears fell from Octavia’s eyes as she shook her head and wiped more away with her arm.

“You need to understand, you mother and I…” He stroked the back of his head, nervously. “I just…I felt…she’s always been…I haven’t been” He stuttered, “…we weren’t in…” He buried his head in his hands, “I’m sorry, I-I-I don’t have the words.”

“Are you going to run off with him? And leave me behind? Go away where I can’t find you?”

“What? No!” He pulled her close. “No, no, never. I’d never do that. Never.” Both of them embraced in a tight hug. “I think it’s time to leave this place,” Stolas said. Octavia smiled a bit through her tears. Despite his mistakes, her father loved her dearly. It wasn’t too hard to forgive him. Stolas lifted her up into his arms and continued, “You were right. You are too old for it, anyway.” He walked through an apple shaped opening.

Stolas carried Octavia out of the Fun House as an imp grinned manically in the space above the drop-ceiling. The imp dropped down and flicked open a switchblade behind him. Stolas immediately turned around, his red eyes glowing brightly. The frightened imp was turned to stone on the spot, then was knocked over by a pendulum.

As dusk feel outside, the park was reduced to pandemonium. Millie tried to shoot Robo Fizz who wildly rolled around. The red dragon picked up Robo Fizz, tossed him into the air before catching him and swallowing him whole. On the dragon’s back, Moxxie gaped in terror.

Stolas and Octavia left the park gates.

“So, what would you like to do now?” Stolas asked.

Octavia smiled. “Oh, can we go to Stylish Occult? They sell weird taxidermy there.”

“Hmm,” Stolas said reluctantly, but then said “Okay.”

Octavia let out a small laugh. “Thanks, dad. You’re okay sometimes.”

Stolas smiled down at her, his face bright against the starry sky above. It was nice to get a compliment from her. “Thank you Via. Thank you…”

A massive explosion rocked the park, sending green flames shooting up into the air. The I.M.P. imps hurtled through the air, screaming before all three landed in front of the owls. All three were covered with smoke.

“Way to ruin another good thing, sir!” Moxxie strained at Blitzo.

“Worth it!” Blitzo replied, holding up a shaking finger. “That slutty toy clown had. It. Coming!”

Moxxie and Blitzo then fell unconscious.

In the darkness, Valentino’s hairless black dog Queef sniffed the unconscious Millie, grabbed her by the hair and dragged her still form away…

Helluva Boss Episode Three: Spring Broken

Part One: Verosika

The ground-shaking rock music blared as a gray van rolled along the street at high speed. The front hood of the van was loose and rattled up and down, showing a dark opening. The front headlights looked like a dark grate with a few yellow lights at the very ends. The small license plate at the front read “IMP-666” in black letters. Two red stripes streaked across the side of the van while the bold red and white I.M.P. decal was proudly displayed on the side door.

“I love this song!” exclaimed the leader imp, Blitzo. He was wearing his usual work outfit; a navy blue coat with red buttons and a red pin at the front. Above Blitzo hung small red and white flags. In the center was a white toy horse with a blonde mane and tail. With his hands on the wheel, Blitzo belted out the lyrics:

“You were the little spicy…uh… demon with the bleach blonde hair Fiendin' for some semen when I caught your stare Thought it might be love but you went too far Fucked all of my friends and blew up my car

Lit me on fire made me watch rom-coms Made a secret sex tape and showed it to my mom You were a bitch kinda generally Now I'm a wet wild stallion and I'm running free

You stepped on my nuts and you tore me apart Slapped up my booty and tangled my farts Cut off my dick when you shattered my heart But it grew back twice as long

MUSTANG DONG!”

Memories of him and a former lover were already rushing back to him. The song perfectly described his previous love life and though not very pleasant, was still fun to sing to. There were many times in his life where he considered horses to be better companions than his peers. An array of endless horse names and adventures he could conjure up in his head…

Blitzo made “horn” rocker symbols with his hands as he nodded his head to the beat. In shotgun, Loona made a face of annoyance as she glanced at her black and white cell phone in her hands. She wore her usual shorts, torn gray tank top and black strings in the shape of a downward facing pentagram below her neck. In the back of the van, Moxxie covered both ears as he sat in the long red seat. He wore his usual dark coat and red bow tie. Millie rolled down her window and smiled as the breeze blew through her wild black hair. She had on her black tank top and torn pants as well.

Blitzo drove the van into a reserved parking lot, surrounded by graffiti-sprayed buildings. A worn white banner on one building read “Buck you Flitzo” in bold capital letters. One of the buildings was decorated with a large red eye made of glass. Bizarrely enough, there was a billboard that advertised holy water. Blitzo haphazardly drove through the lot opening. He was just about to pull into the remaining empty space to the right when a pink convertible car beat him to it.

“Holy shit! F…” Blitzo yelled, he and Loona both fearful. Blitzo rapidly turned the wheel and the horn sounded. He slammed on the brakes and the van skidded to a stop. The pink car had a red heart with gold trim on the back and a golden border. The license plate read “SUCK-4-LIFE.” The wheels had small white hearts on the dark inside, white rims surrounding them.

An angry Blitzo rolled his head and turned off the radio.

Oh, you “suck for life,” do ya?!” he asked as he glared at the car. He pulled out his white megaphone and leaned out the window.

“Listen up, you unoriginal pink cum dump!” he yelled through the megaphone. “You have three goddamn seconds to get your dick out of my parking spot…”

A pair of tall high heels lowered to the ground. The shoes were black with pink hearts on them. The figure wore black tight pants with three pink xs on the side. She wore a black and white dress, a black star on the lower half and a large X and O over her breasts. A sparkly light pink fluffy coat covered her shoulders. Her face was dark pink and a black choker was around her neck. She had a pointed tail, little bat wings and curved pink horns with a few black stars on them. Her hair was long and pinkish white, and sunglasses with pink hearts on them obscured her eyes.

Blitzo lowered his megaphone in shock at the sight of the familiar succubus.

“Oh shit! Verosika?!”

The succubus blew a bubble of pink gum before it popped.

“Blitzo,” she greeted, arms folded. She had pronounced the “o” on purpose to annoy Blitzo.

Blitzo glared. “I should have known you’d be here. I could smell fish for miles. Which is odd because I believe the nearest ocean is…”

Blitzo fell out through the window, face-planting onto the ground. He quickly stood up, pointing at the ground, “…three rings down!” He was referring to the Ring of Envy where the oceanic ruler Leviathan resided.

“And I should have known you’d be here when I heard the Amber Alerts,” Verosika retorted. She held a white and brown flask bottle in her left hand. It was decorated with a small red and white heart near the top. “I.M.P. is a scam!” and “Swear word” were painted on a nearby brick wall.

“Oh yeah?” he asked. “I’m surprised they let your fat ass out of rehab. I can see you’re still a drunken whore, clutching onto that beelzejuice juice bottle like it’s the last cock in Hell.”

“They let me out because I’m still famous,” Verosika bragged, flipping back her long hair dramatically, “and rehab is for sad, loser wash-ups.”

She took a drink from her bottle and wiped her black lipstick mouth with a gloved white thumb.

“So your sister says hi,” she smirked, implying a temporary sexual relation with Tilla or Barbie Wire.

Blitzo stomped over toward Verosika. “Why are you parking here?” he growled. “This is the only parking spot my company has. So take your tampon race car somewhere else.”

Verosika leaned slightly toward him. “Actually prick, it has my name on it.”

She pointed down at their feet, where “Verosika” and a heart was spray painted in purple over the previous black “I.M.P.”

Verosika stood up. “I’m doing a bit of freelance for one of the infinitely more successful companies in the building…”

“No way,” Loona breathed as she peered from the van.

“…and they wanted to have me come in this week to lead their team during spring break.”

“A week?!” Blitzo exclaimed. “No, no, you are not parking here for a fucking week!”

Verosika removed her sunglasses, revealing pink irises with yellow sclera.

“Aw, you mad, Blitzo?” she cooed in a mocking tone. “You gonna run off, leaving someone else to pay for the hotel room, steal their car…”

Verosika and Blitzo talked over each other, “…and run three Rings to Wrath and back and max my credit cards on shitty horse riding lessons?!”

Blitzo stomped his foot. “God dammit whore, you will not let that go!”

Verosika walked past him, showing a middle finger. “Choke on a sandpaper cock.”

Loona lowered her head as she walked by. Blitzo angrily followed Verosika.

“Hold on, you better move that pussy wagon right now or I’m gonna…”

Blitzo froze as he heard a low growling sound behind him. Towering over him was a beefy dark gray Hellhound man. He wore a torn black jacket decorated with red spikes along the shoulders. A black tattoo of a wolf with sharp teeth and a tongue out was on his left shoulder. He had thick eyebrows, torn pointed ears, a black nose and a scar over his milky left eye. His right eye was red.

“You’ll what?” he grunted, showing his sharp white teeth.

Blitzo stuttered and looked around, fearfully. “Or I’ll…um…I’ll…I’ll call HR.”

Blitzo, Verosika and the Hellhound burst into sudden laughter before they calmed down.

“Anyway,” said Verosika, “Meet my new Hellhound, Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well.”

Vortex walked by Verosika’s side as she left. She flipped off Blitzo again before saying, “Ta ta, fuck stain.”

“Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that,” Blitzo muttered in annoyance.

Just then, Loona stepped out of the van. “You know Verosika Mayday?!”

“Huh?” Blitzo asked. Then he casually answered, “Oh yeah, her, yeah, we dated.”

“Was it before or after she became a pop star?” Millie asked in curiosity.

Blitzo crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.

“You dated a popstar?!” Moxxie added as he stepped out of the van.

“Okay, why are you all acting like that’s such a shock?” Blitzo asked.

“Hello. It’s Verosika Mayday?” Loona replied.

“It’s you?” Millie said. Moxxie and Millie were surprised that a famous person like Verosika would consider dating someone who was perceived to be far below her league.

Moxxie scratched his head. “I just…Is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage?”

“Okay look, you are all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be,” Blitzo said. “I don’t pry into your stupid personal lives.”

Loona, Moxxie, and Millie did overlapping yells:

“You do that all the time, sir!” yelled Moxxie.

“Come on, you do that,” added Millie.

“You totally do that,” Loona agreed.

Millie grinned mischievously, her eyelids lowering. “What was sex with her like?”

“Millie!” Moxxie yelled, taken aback.

“What?!” Millie shrugged. “It’s a pop star! You’d wanna know what sex with Michael Crawford was like.”

Moxxie paused in mid argument. “Touché.”

“Okay look, let’s just drop it!” Blitzo demanded. “Millie, find a temporary spot for that truck.”

He tossed a pair of keys to a gleeful Millie, who caught them and scampered off.

“Okay, Loonie, Moxxie, let’s go handle this shit.”

In the building, Loona led the way between the imps as the three stepped out of an elevator. The dark brown walls were decorated with yellow webbed cracks. I.M.P. was painted in red on an office door window. The Hellhound nervously stepped forward, hands together.

“Did they see me? Fuck! I did my makeup shitty today!” she muttered. Blitzo stared at her with shining eyes.

“Oh you look perfect, Loonie. Like always.”

She flinched away from him, arms crossed as she passed by a water cooler. A look of annoyance crossed Loona’s face at Blitzo baby-talking her.

“Oh shut up da…” Loona began before seeing a look of adoration and wide eyes on Blitzo’s face. She had almost said, “dad.”

“Urgh!” she caught herself and shoved him aside. “…Blitzo!” She checked her face in a small hand mirror, a wolf design on it. She then bumped into a long furry arm.

“Oh. Whoa,” she breathed. Glancing down at her was none other than Vortex. Redness crept up to her cheeks and she wagged her tail. Blitzo briefly smiled at Loona before gasping in shock. He dashed between Loona and Vortex, arms out.

“Hi big man,” he said. “Where’s your bitch bag of an employer?”

“She’s in her office,” said Vortex in a low voice. “There wasn’t room on the second floor so they rented one here on this one. It’s way cheaper.”

Vortex mentioned toward a room down the hall, across from the I.M.P. office. Three neon hearts stood right above two blue double doors. A large pink “V” and a pink “M” were painted on the door windows, standing for Verosika Mayday (and Vivienne Medrando, creator of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss!)

“Oh come on!” Blitzo yelled.

Vortex chuckled with a shrug of his shoulders. “Sorry man,” he said before walking away.

“Oh no you don’t, bitch,” Blitzo muttered.

“Sir,” Moxxie began. “How about you let me go in and try to reason with her. I don’t really listen to what’s classified as “pop genre” music, so her status to me is…”

Blitzo tuned out Moxxie’s rambling.

“Moxxie,” he said, “Shut the fuck up.”

“All righty then,” Moxxie replied, pushing open one of the blue doors and going inside. Electronic music briefly sounded from inside the room. The room had been converted into a dimly lit recording studio, with mixing consoles, effects units, microphones and separate booths. The neon pink border just under the ceiling gave it a club-like atmosphere, as did the rows of beer bottles on the counters. The silhouettes of Moxxie, Verosika and her gang of demons were visible from a large glass window.

“Hello Miss Verosika was it?” Moxxie asked, his eyes golden and glowing. “I work for Imp and it is actually rather important for us to retain the singular parking space we were assigned because…”

A woman succubus with a bob of hair pointed at Moxxie. “Aw, look at the little one. He’s got a wittle bow tie!” The gang snickered.

“Please don’t condescend me, ma’am,” Moxxie replied. “I…”

A male incubi leaned close to Moxxie. “Wanna kiss, you little guy?”

Moxxie stepped back. “A…A kind offer, but…I’m married.”

Verosika stepped forward as her gang surrounded Moxxie. “Hey, why don’t you send a little message from me back to your limp-dick boss?”

Verosika and her gang hissed with sharp shadowy mouths over Moxxie. The imp screamed “Don’t touch that!” Blitzo raced over and pressed both hands on the window pane.

“Moxxie, do not let her access any of your holes!” he cried.

Moxxie raced back into the hall, his back against the closed doors. He was shaken and battered, with red lipstick kisses all over his face.

“I…I gotta go lie down…now,” he stuttered as he walked away.

Blitzo fumed, veins popping in his yellow eyes. “Oh this won’t stand!”

He boot-kicked both doors open, gaining the attention of his ex and her crew. There were other succubi and incubi with reddish pink skin, horns, pointed tails and small bat wings. A white-haired man wore a black collar with a black upside down cross around his neck. He wore a black short sleeved shirt with a red logo that read “burn forest burn” on it. His taller male partner wore a ripped black tank top with a circled X on it. His hair was black and he had a black goatee. Two demon women partners sat together as well. The first had long dark hair and wore a fishnet top and leggings. The white-haired succubi next to her wore short revealing overalls. Verosika stood poised in the middle.

“Alright, (censored)! That’s it!” Blitzo yelled, marching over toward Verosika. “If you’re gonna be shitty to my employees…” he pointed a finger at her, “…then I challenge you to a fucking…challenge!” He leaned his head back in frustration. “Fuck, I said that twice.”

The woman with long dark hair chuckled. “Is this imp boy starting a demon duel?”

“I think he is,” Verosika replied with a snicker. She bent over toward the imp. “What’s the game then, Blitzo?”

“Every year, you STD spreaders go topside for easy pickings while spring break is a prime time for crime of all kinds!” Blitzo responded. He grinned, “So I bet…you succu-bitches can’t fuck as many people as we can off by the end of the day.” He briefly made a hand gesture of a gun.

Verosika and her gang burst into laughter. Blitzo glared in determination. Verosika and the others stopped laughing. “Oh, you’re serious?” Verosika asked. She leaned in and spoke to Blitzo in a low whisper, “Game on, bitch.”

Later at I.M.P. headquarters, Blitzo stood in front of an easel full of paper and a large whiteboard flanked by bat wings near the top. There was a large bar graph drawn on the board along with horse drawings. On the left hand corner, Blitzo had written, “Potential Horse Names: ‘Grape Fiesta’, ‘Paperclip’, and ‘Soap’, -32.” Moxxie, Millie and Loona sat in their usual spiked chairs around a long table to listen.

“Alright, shut your assholes, here’s how were gonna do this shit,” Blitzo announced.

“First, we find a fuck ton of clients…”

The animated childish drawings on the paper showed Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie and Loona standing together. A crowd of imps and clients surrounded them and gave them hugs and piles of money.

“We portal up…”

The Blitzo drawing snapped his fingers and the I.M.P. figures fell down to earth.

“We have our fun murder time as per usual…”

The I.M.P. figures used guns to kill the human figures around them.

“We pile all the bodies into a big fucking canoe…”

Drawing Blitzo tossed the dead humans into a canoe that read “S.S. Cum Gutter.”

“We push said canoe into some water. We light it on fire to attract the sharks and eagles and maybe a goose, too. Fuck it…”

Animated drawings of sharks, snakes, eagles and a goose ate at the bodies on fire. A large octopus sea monster snapped the boat and everything up in its mouth.

“They come and eat the bodies, we win the bet…”

The I.M.P. figures cheered, while the Loona one wore a party hat and blew a noisemaker.

“We rub it in that sloppy bitch’s drunken whore ass face.”

The Verosika drawing burst into tears on her knees as the I.M.P. figures flipped her off several times.

“Do you have any questions?” Blitzo asked as the real meeting continued.

“Uh yeah, why was that nonsense?” Moxxie deadpanned.

Blitzo walked over to him. “That wasn’t a question.”

“That wasn’t a plan,” Moxxie retorted.

Blitzo put a hand around Moxxie. “I’m sorry, but that was a flawless presentation of what we should do, Mox. It’s not my fault you’ve got a smooth little brain upstairs.”

“A what now?” Moxxie asked, eyebrows raised.

“I’m calling you slow, Moxxie. God, why don’t you learn to take criticism, you talentless baby dick troll?” He pointed his finger into Moxxie’s chest several times as he spoke.

An angry Moxxie stood up on the table. “Well why don’t you take an art class?”

Blitzo grabbed Moxxie by the collar and threw him back onto the chair. “Why don’t you see how expensive they are?!”

Loona interrupted the argument, still holding her cell phone. “Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time?”

Blitzo crossed his arms in disapproval. “Absolutely not. I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of freaks up there who drool all over you.”

All four characters glared into the camera, breaking the fourth wall.

“Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough,” Loona explained. “Just let me tag along.”

“Wait, say that again,” said Blitzo.

“I can blend in?” Loona reiterated.

“You have a human disguise?” Millie asked.

“Yeah. Don’t you?”

The three guilty imps nervously looked at each other, eyes darting from side to side.

“You three have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time, without human disguises?!” Loona asked in disbelief.

“Okay, new plan!” Blitzo called, rapidly scribbling on a piece of paper. He placed the paper on the easel, showing Loona surrounded by human figures with tiny hearts around them.

“Loonie can help lure the humans to us and we’ll take care of the rest. Okay how about that?”

“Flawless logic,” Millie smiled in agreement.

Moxxie held up a clawed finger. “I think you’re missing the biggest issue, sir. Isn’t it crucial to have a client who demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren’t just going up to massacre.”

Blitzo smirked in response. “I got that covered, Mox.”

Not long after, Blitzo stuck a flyer onto a pole. It read “Spring Break Victim 50% Off!” It had a drawing of Blitzo, a dead victim and little cartoon horses.

Blitzo strode to Moxxie. “Now, we wait.”

Moxxie shook his head. “Sir, there is no way we are going to get enough clients by the end of the day with one poorly spelled bad grammar flyer!”

Both Moxxie and Blitzo paused and looked over to see a line of a dozen creatures looking in curiosity at the flyer under the Pride Ring’s blood red sky. They arrived in a variety of shapes and sizes. Some of them were imps and others were sinners. There was a pink fluffy monster with black eyes, an orange fly trap plant wearing librarian glasses, a fox with thick white hair, a humanoid dog with pointed ears and a hook for a hand. Next to a teal lizard lady with dyed hair stood a tall man wearing a blue suit with a deer skull for a head. Even Travis, a gray owl demon, was there.

Blitzo elbowed Moxxie with a smug grin before strolling over to the other demons. “Now, who’s first?”

Part Two: At the Beach

The beach in the human world was alive with humans from everywhere. Men, women and children happily walked around, relaxed under umbrellas, or had snacks. Several surf boards stood up in the sand by a decorated teal wall with a wavy orange design taking up the center. The crowd was positioned between a wooden dock and a makeshift stage. Two women wearing sunglasses got comfortably close and kissed each other in the shade. A muscular dark skinned man talked with a red haired woman while a blonde guy wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap shook a bottle of pills into his mouth. Above the beach lay a small row of shops. One sign read “Pawn Paradise.” One sign read “hotel” in red letters while another sign read “Sea cream” with a teal ice cream cone structure next to it. Another sign read “Pico Puncho Pizza” and another read “Dagon Juice” and had a green fish with a sailor’s cap on it.

In the shadows under the dock, the I.M.P. crew emerged from algae covered rocks.

“Now remember, we can’t be seen, alright?” Blitzo reminded them. “And loose shots will likely cause a panic, so Loona can help with leading targets to a better spot to off them. You got the list, Loonie?”

Loona skimmed the list in her hands and gave it a sniff. “Got it.”

She dropped the paper, stood up and walked into the light. A rush of swirling blue magic enveloped her before it vanished.

Loona was now in human form. She opened her red eyes and brushed her thick light gray hair with her hands. She wore her same dark crop top and high black shorts but she now had white skin, two bars in her right ear and a partially shaved head. She had gray eye makeup on and a black choker around her neck. Her pale midriff, arms and legs were visible.

All three imps stared in amazement.

“Oh Loonie, look at you!” Blitzo breathed. “You look downright awful!”

Loona glared at him.

Blitzo wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m so proud.” He pointed ahead. “Now go fetch!”

Loona peered in front of her with a hand over her eyebrows to help block out the light. Her target humans were outlined in red in her vision. Loona smirked and strolled over to a tall dark haired muscular man wearing sunglasses. She moved a finger toward his chest and gave him a flirtatious grin. She mentioned behind her to a private alleyway. Loona led him into the alleyway and leaned casually against the wall. The man reached out to grab her in lust but was immediately shot in the head by Blitzo spying on the roof. He gave Loona a thumbs up.

Later on, a blonde man ran to Loona in an alleyway with a hungry lustful look on his face. He was caught in a noose by Blitzo. A random “music band” poster hung on the wall. On a rooftop, a brown haired man leaned in to kiss Loona, but Millie knocked him off the roof with a kick. The man fell into a green dumpster that Moxxie slammed shut. Loona walked with a fat man down the sidewalk and a flower pot crashed fatally into his head. Blitzo killed a woman with a knife, Millie killed a white haired woman with a spiked baseball bat, and another woman got shot in the head.

Blitzo and the gang put the bodies in bloodstained dark trash bags, closing them. In the background, Millie happily jumped on another body.

“That’s nine kills in the bag!” called Blitzo. “I’d like to see that waily snatch orgasm that many…”

The imps froze when they heard a voice through a microphone. It was Verosika Mayday on stage, in her human form. Her shadowy silhouette in the clearing smoke resembled her demon form. She had blonde hair, tan skin and wore black leggings and high heels. She wore a pink skirt and a matching frilly top that revealed her right shoulder. She had a small black heart on her right cheek. The background lights were pink, giving the appearance of moving hearts. “Verosika Mayday” was on a pink banner overhead. Verosika appeared on two screens on either side of the stage, showing moving hearts of red, pink and white for the background. Six pink spotlights shone on her.

“All right spring breakers! Are y’all ready get fucked up and make some bitching bad choices?!”

The crowd cheered in affirmation. A white teen boy with short blonde hair tore off his shirt and yelled “Verosika!” He had her name written in pink on his bare chest.

Verosika sang her song:

“All aboard

Pack your bags

Sun’s out

Take a vacay babe

Take it straight to Bonetown

V-time, free time, baby relax

Self-care, no hair, Brazilian wax

Hardtop succu-bus to the beach

Catch some rays while catching some D

Pack your bags

Sun’s out

Take a vacay babe

Take it straight to Bonetown

Hot dog, hot bod, sausage and buns

Threesome, fivesome, having some fun

Back to my place, welcome to Hell

Sun’s out, hormones out, how does it smell?

Pack your bags

Sun’s out

Take a vacay babe

Take it straight to Bonetown”

Verosika performed her song on stage and took a drink from her bottle. “Fuck you Blitzo” appeared on the screens as Blitzo seethed. The humans made out with others around them. The humans kissed, hugged, and gave each other anal. One dark woman succubus showed a love-struck man a popsicle with semen-like saliva on it. She grinned and threw herself onto the human male. An incubi with dark hair in human form smiled and snapped his fingers at a blonde man…his sunglasses fell off his surprised sunburned face. Several more succubi and incubi grinned and snuck up on the humans.

Blitzo was furious. “God dammit, that bitch started her godish mating call! Now she’s gonna win all those sex maniacs. We gotta pick things up, guys! He on the list, Loonie?”

Blitzo mentioned to a vomiting long haired blonde man in boxer shorts.

Loona appeared distracted, not even looking at him. “Huh? Yeah I think so.” Loona was staring at a tall muscular black skinned bouncer by the stage: a human Vortex.

“Good!” Blitzo called.

The blonde man looked up at Blitzo in a stupor.

“Whoa, what are you? A leprechaun? Hahaha!”

Blitzo raised a sharp black and red ax. “Oh yeah, pretty cool, huh?”

Blitzo smashed the man’s head open with the ax, causing blood and brains to splatter.

“But you sure as shit ain’t gonna tell nobody.” He looked over. “All right, next one, Loonie, come on.”

Blitzo rapidly glanced around, but Loona wasn’t where she was a moment before.

“Where’s my baby?!” he cried in a panic. Millie pointed toward the stage. “Look!”

Loona nervously made her way through the crowd, avoiding a French-kissing couple and tossing aside a bra that landed on her head. A squealing fanboy ran toward Verosika but Vortex punched him into the ground, head first. He dragged the teen away in the distance as Loona watched. A male incubus appeared as a white skinned human with short white hair. Putting both hands on her shoulders, he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows at her. With a roll of her eyes, Loona landed an uppercut on his chin, causing him to fall.

“Now, who wants a piece of this?” Verosika called as she took one last gulp.

She tossed her flask into the ocean, creating a small golden portal. A fish appeared, which rapidly grew in size.

Loona walked sideways over toward Vortex.

“Hey, you,” she tried.

“Hey,” Vortex replied. “You’re the hound working for my boss’s freaky ex.”

“Yeah. Sorry if that’s weird.”

“It’s cool,” he shrugged. “Her beef ain’t mine. I’m not paid enough to care.”

Loona laughed nervously. “Yeah. Yeah.” She pushed her hair behind her ear. “I’m Loona!”

“Okay.” In her giddy tone he repeated, “I’m Vortex!” Both chuckled.

“That’s hot,” Loona said with a grin. Then her face turned red and flustered. “I mean like literally you know because vortexes, you know, they give off heat. Probably.” She pointed both fingers in a snap, trying to act cool.

Vortex chuckled lightly. “Uh, yeah. I guess. But my friends call me Tex.”

“Oh yeah. I wish I had friends. I mean no, I mean, I don’t. I…I don’t have friends.”

Just then, Blitzo arrived, moving himself between them.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“Nah man. Just having a conversation,” Vortex replied.

Blitzo narrowed his eyes and wagged a finger at him. “’Conversation’ leads to HPV!” Loona clenched her fists in frustration.

Meanwhile, Moxxie and Millie hid behind several metal beer barrels.

“And… we lost him,” Moxxie declared. “Huh, it’s looking like it’s up to us handle this list.”

Millie’s face shone in excitement. “Hell yeah! Team M and M, getting shit down, making the money!”

Moxxie and Millie ran off holding hands in the sunset and killed more people. A sign read “Senpai, notice me.”

Loona pinched her nose. “Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Loona said to Blitzo in concern. “You’re gonna get us all into shit.”

“I just wanted to see what was so important that you’d be distracted from your job.”

Loona angrily pulled Blitzo away from Vortex.

“What, I can’t have a break?”

Blitzo yelled at the top of his lungs. “We have a parking spot on the line!”

“Hey dude,” Vortex mentioned as he walked over. “Why don’t you chill out?”

Blitzo wagged a finger. “Why don’t you stay out of it?”

He turned back to Loona.

“Okay, this is our business.” He pointed to the ground and in his tail was a drawing of Blitzo killing a person, a horse followed by an equal sign and dollar signs. “Literally.”

Loona clenched her fists and briefly leaned forward in anger. “Oh fuck Blitzo! Why can’t you stay out of my face for like five minutes?!”

“Because I adopted you! And that should mean something.”

“Oh what does it matter? You’re not my real dad! I was almost eighteen.”

“It still counts.”

“Well it shouldn’t. I didn’t need you then, asshole! I don’t need you now.”

A tense silence followed. Both of them crossed their arms, their backs to each other. Both faces showed hurt expressions.

As a young pup, Loona had been left to fend for herself by her real neglectful parents. She had lived a life of meth addiction, sex, fighting and insecurity with no real friends. Blitzo was perhaps the first person to truly care about her. He took her in as a teen and adopted her…and she had worked at I.M.P. ever since. Loona already felt bad at what she had just said. But there was no taking it back.

She stuttered, trying to say something.

“Uh, Blitzo…I…”

“Enjoy your break, Loonie,” he replied. “I’m gonna go kill something.”

Loona sighed sadly as he left.

“Damn, girl. That was savage,” Vortex remarked sympathetically. He placed a large comforting hand on her shoulder. “You okay?”

Loona blushed heavily, forcing a smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine. He’ll get over it. He usually does.”

“I’m glad you could stick up for yourself, at least,” Vortex mentioned. “Hmm. Takes guts.”

“Thanks,” Loona smiled.

Meanwhile, Moxxie looked to the left and right from behind the beer cans on a table. Beer can and bottles were everywhere. Moxxie ducked back behind them, watching as Millie loaded her crossbow. The two imps smiled and kissed.

A man with a baseball cap, sunglasses and a tie-dye shirt that read “Kool” threw down a beer can. “Yeah! Party!” he yelled. The man pointed both fingers in the air and then promptly flipped the table, sending the imps flying. Moxxie landed on the ground as the beachgoers stepped back.

“Eww!” exclaimed a red haired woman in disgust, pointing down at him. “Oh my god! It’s a fucking possum!”

Moxxie tried to scurry off, but a man picked him up. “Oh crumbs!”

“I got it!” called the guy with “Kool” on his shirt, holding up Moxxie in the air. A muscular blonde man held a large beer barrel. The first guy tossed Moxxie inside while the second one closed the lid. “We put him in the keg,” one of them said. The other people cheered as Moxxie was carried away. “Beer is awesome!” they cheered. While he was inside, he gulped down the beer around him. The people tossed the barrel and played catch with it before leaving it behind.

Millie dashed from behind the beer cans, arriving at the barrel Moxxie was in. The barrel wobbled, surprising Millie. She placed her ear to it before tipping it over. Moxxie spilled out on his back with the remaining beer.

“Moxxie!” Millie cried.

“Millie! Hi! Hey!” Moxxie slurred, rolling onto his back and looking at her upside down. “Hey, when did you get four heads? I wanna kiss ‘em!”

He made smooching noises before Millie picked him up.

Suddenly, a large gush of water rose up from behind them. A dark shadow passed over their faces, darkening the sky. The humans glanced up in shock. Even the demon gang and Verosika looked on in fear and surprise. A woman pointed upwards and several people ran off. A giant foot crushed a man lying on a turtle towel. Blood splattered everywhere and onto the crowd of humans. Another woman screamed and the humans ran for their lives. Blitzo was in the process of chocking a drinking man from behind, when he, too, stopped to look.

It was a giant black Leviathan fish monster!

The fish had large teal eyes, fins, white whiskers and dozens of blue sharp teeth. The beast let out a fierce, ear-shattering roar.

“Oooh, fish,” Moxxie grinned stupidly in his drunken haze.

Like a deadly vine, a long spiked tongue wrapped around Moxxie and pulled him toward the fish. Millie watched in horror as Moxxie was wrapped up above the large maw before the fish snapped its jaws shut.

Millie got into a fighting stance. She glanced to her left and spotted a fat man drinking and wearing sunglasses. She stabbed him with a knife and tore off a piece of his towel. With her knife in her mouth, she lit the cloth on fire over a vodka bottle, creating a Molotov cocktail. Millie tossed it toward the monster, sending the fish stumbling and crashing down into the sea.

Wasting no time, Millie swam toward the monster and cut upwards along its scaly body with her knife. Using all her strength, she pried open the monster’s mouth. Moxxie was punching the monster’s uvula, still wrapped up in the tongue.

Millie reached for him with her hand. Moxxie reached too, then gave her a high five. Millie grabbed hold of his wrist and pulled him up. She used her other hand and foot to support herself on the monster’s teeth. She pulled as hard as he could, but Moxxie wouldn’t budge.

Just when she lost her grip, she slashed her knife across the tongue, slicing a piece off. In a roar of pain, the monster spat Moxxie out. Moxxie spread out his arms, enjoying the feeling of flying. Back on the beach, a man flinched as the tongue piece landed on the ground. Moxxie landed in Blitzo’s arms. The man cheered before Blitzo shot him with a gun. Moxxie cheered drunkenly.

Back inside the monster’s mouth, Millie rapidly punched at the tongue, trying to get out. The monster roared in pain and anger, slashing around as Millie wrestled with it.

“I love that woman!” Moxxie declared.

Blitzo smirked. “Oh she totally pegs you, doesn’t she?” Indeed, Millie was dominant in the bedroom and Moxxie loved it.

Millie leapt into the air, knife aimed downward. She fell back inside the mouth…then sliced off the fish’s head from the inside. A gush of blood flowed out from the monster before it landed with a final thud into the water. Millie walked back to shore and dropped her knife, exhausted.

Blitzo and Moxxie cheered. “Oh yeah, way to show off, Mils!” Blitzo called.

“Is Mox okay?” Millie panted.

Blitzo glanced at the drunken Moxxie. “Oh yeah, he’s fine,” he casually said before dropping him onto the sand.

Millie raced over and held Moxxie in her arms.

Moxxie grinned at Millie with a doped expression. “This is funny. I’m soooo… drinky.”

Millie just smiled and hugged him.

Blitzo scowled and crossed his arms. “Okay, this is too wholesome for my liking.”

“Blitzo!” Verosika called.

“Oh perfect,” he said sarcastically. He turned around to the human-disguised gang of seducer demons. “That must be the whores!”

Verosika was flanked by four succubi and an incubi disguised as humans. “That was handled rather…obvious, don’t you think?” She grinned a smug grin.

Millie held up Verosika’s flask. “I don’t think this belonged to any of us.”

Millie tossed the flask to Verosika who caught it with one hand. She dropped it into one of the succubus’ hands.

“Would be a shame if anyone found out you guys were behind a giant monster fish in the human world,” Millie added with a grin.

Even Moxxie laughed out loud, pointing at them. “Oh Satan! You all be so fucked!”

Verosika briefly looked concerned, then sneered. “Yeah, well you three nasty ass gremlins will be in shit for not being in disguises.”

Moxxie fell to his knees and face-planted into the sand. He lifted his head up. “A human called me a possum. I am not a possum.” He face-planted again.

Blitzo stepped forward and moved Moxxie out of the way with a foot. “You know, we could keep this little B movie scene on the down low if you agree to let us use that parking space.”

Verosika, not wanting to get in trouble, relented with a sigh. “Fine.”

Blitzo raised both arms in the air. “We fucking won!”

“Fuck yeah!” Millie cheered.

“In your face, bitch!” Blitzo taunted Verosika, who scowled.

She glared at Blitzo one last time. “Come on, let’s get out of here. Tex!”

Vortex stood with Loona not too far from the empty stage. “Well, guess it’s time to bounce, but hey, if you’re ever down to party, I’ll give you a ring sometime.”

Loona smiled in excitement. “Really? I mean, Yeah. Yeah.”

“Yeah. My girlfriend throws a ton of crazy hound parties.”

“Nice. Can’t wait for my first one.”

“Let’s get you some friends, girl.”

Vortex gave her a playful punch before following Veroskia. Loona looked downcast at seeing Vortex leave and being reminded of her confrontation with Blitzo. Vortex already had a girlfriend and he wasn’t coming with her. Now she would go back to doing her usual secretary work. With Hell being “every demon for themselves,” it was hard to make true friends, especially if one was of lower class and lost in dark thoughts all the time. Loona could not deny to herself that she often felt like a lone wolf.

Millie carried Moxxie and jumped into the portal.

“Come on, Loonie tooney!” Blitzo called to her. “Let’s go back and park our fat fucking car in our fat fucking space!” He ran off into the portal.

Loona followed Blitzo and fell through the portal on her back.

Blitzo mockingly gave Verosika double middle fingers through the portal from behind her. Verosika growled in anger after noticing. She and her gang made their way up the stairs and onto the street.

A policeman yelled, “Put your hands up, you sick deviants!”

The gang huddled in fear as guns were trained on them. They were surrounded by police cars, a SWAT team, men on horses and a helicopter. A clown and a mime robot were also with the police.

Verosika sighed in defeat. “Alright, sluts, get ready to suck a lot of pig dick.”

Her gang members groaned in disgust as they raised their hands in surrender.

#helluvaboss #hazbinhotel

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theotherbackgrounder · 7 years

Text

Grim Tales: Ever After High OC: Beltran “The Doll”

I heard @bleedmanshitposting whispers and I am here to obliged with my Bleedman satire

Warning: For this one I got into the head of Bleedman, thinking in the same way someone like him would with this character. Surprisingly it is fairly roomy in here. But don’t worry. There is plenty of my touch of despair. As this is a Bleedman thing, I am legitimately trying to trigger you, the reader. So. Trigger warning.

Name: Beltran “The Doll,” also called “Berrchan” by Chi.

Gender: Boy

Series of origin: Ever After High

Home/Zone: Wonderland/New Ever After

Mother: “The Mad Queen” Madeline Narrator

History:

Madeline Narrator

As of course with all good (or in this case shitty) stories we must always start with the beginning.

It was the final days at Ever After High, the final days before graduation would come, until the students would separate as they would go and live their lives. At least that is what it should have been.

Raven Queen, daughter of the evil queen, was the student that tried to go against fate and change her own destiny. She didn’t want to be like her mother. Sadly that picture perfect setting she wanted was not the ending that was written out for her. Her own legacy overcame her, forced her, and used her to be a vessel that would be the Evil Queen that the story demanded. Forced against her will like a puppet suspended on strings, she was always doomed to play the role as the Devil.

There was none that could stand up to the Evil Queen.

Well, none except for one.

Madeline Hatter, daughter of the mad hatter, with the voice of the narrator on her side was the only one strong enough to stop Raven and put an end to this nightmare. It was up to her to end the legacy of the Evil Queen.

She had to end it.

But she couldn’t.

She couldn’t kill Raven. No matter if she wanted it herself, Madeline could never kill her best friend. The person she loved. All Raven wanted to do was to change her destiny, to change the fate that was written before her. Maddie couldn’t end that story now. But she could change it.

Madeline Queen was the Narrator. She had the power to change the story. The story itself called for an “Evil Queen” not for Raven. So with that in mind, Madeline changed everything. Instead of Raven Queen being the “evil queen” she “narrated” that the Evil queen would be Maddie. She would become the necessary evil so that the one that she loved wouldn’t have to suffer.

But that was the worst decision.

It is unknown exactly why it happened. Perhaps it was because of the unstable mind that constitutes with that of the “Mad Hatter,” but something snapped. She truly did become the “Evil Queen.” And with the ability to warp reality with the voice of the “Narrator,” Madeline truly lost herself. Now “Mad” Madeline warped reality to see how she fitted for her new Ever After – her new Wonderland.

“The Mad Queen’s” power would probably be the closest thing to the power of the “author.” As the “Narrator” the existence of which one’s setting is is depended on her voice, from “first person” to “omniscient” her voice itself reaches all and controls all. With her cold demeanor + such powers she is able to wipe any type of resistance before it would even be brought into words. Essentially her cold lightless eyes can see everything, essentially making her a God in this Ever After High. She controlled everything before her first day had ended. It was a case of “great power” become corrupted.

Back when she was Madeline “Hatter” Maddie always heard the voices of the “narrators” in her head. Even now it is still there. Though this time since she is the narrator she is hearing her own voices in her head; or more specifically the voices of “The Evil Queen” “The Narrator” and “The Mad Hatter,” three different voices of herself in her head. Really drives a girl insane.

In regards to “Grimtales” every adult there is apparently a slut and Madeline Narrator (of course an adult in the current timeline of this story), she essentially wears a more “evil/darker” version of Mad Moxxi’s outfit from borderlands (because fuck you, I ain’t original).

In the story it is explained that “Grim tales” has the 4 “homes” essentially hell/Ghost zone/Akuland/castle grim…so then I hear you asking “how does Ever After High work into this without breaking the canon” and I answer you with this, with a “meta” reasoning. The “Mad Queen” uses her “narrator” power to bend the 4th wall (see “Wonderlandiful World”) to as she sees fit. Basically saying that when she “isn’t in the story” she makes it to where she simply doesn’t exists, when she does enter the “narration” of “Grim tales” she simply wills “Ever After High” into the story. She mainly does this to erase herself from the minds of others so that certain shedemons (Him) doesn’t make any thoughts about taking over her position.

It’s like a meta explanation of a shitty fanfiction inside of another shitty fanfiction. It glorious.

Beltran

So we come to the meat, Madeline’s son “Beltran.” Beltran is a very pretty boy often described like a doll; In fact many refer to him as such, his own mother even goes as far as to control his very own thoughts and actions with her “narration” that he believes that he is truly a doll – that his destiny is only to be that of a soulless doll for other’s to do with as they want. He can’t control it. His attire is almost a gothic Lolita style

Oh yes. The patented Bleedman “obligatory sexual fetish” here is “Trap.” Remember, it isn’t gay if it is a trap. He also has a pedant on his chest that supposedly has a picture in it. Sadly the locket has been ruined to a point that it can’t be opened (or someone has forced it closed forever?).

His bedroom in the “Mad Queen’s castle” –which was original Ever After High- is strangely fairly pink, especially when in comparison to his gothic style of clothing. Because this is bleedman and references must be in it, two of his favorite stuffed animals he has to sleep with are giant Pink pone and purple pone.

When Madeline does “breath the 4th wall” and come to “Grim Tales” she does often bring Beltran along with her. But even among Chi and Mimi he is just treated like a doll. Chi hates him, but can’t deny that he is pretty – she dress him up like a doll in several outfits that either she plans to wear or plans for Mimi to wear.

Lifeless eyes and accepted that he is truly what his mother wants him to be, the mystery of who Beltran is is really mysterious. And that is what his story would unfold.

Now since under normal circumstances that under bleedman the mystery of Beltran wouldn’t be revealed in say about 13 years, I’ll go ahead and spoil it for you.

Beltran is Raven Queen.

As mentioned before there are several voices in the “Mad Queen’s” head. The “Mad Hatter” voice is the original voice “Madeline Hatter” and is for one reason or another is responsible for the fate of Raven. Since the beginning Madeline wanted Raven to have the happiness she deserved, she became a rebel not because of her sake but for Raven. She wanted Raven to change her own destiny and to control her own fate. When Madeline took on the “Evil Queen” from Raven, she wanted to give Raven a new chance at life. Perhaps it was Raven’s mother that was in the legacy of the “Evil queen” she absorbed but for some reason she decided to turn Raven herself into a child and raise her and her own. Who knows why.

With the many voices in Madeline’s head, the evil one wants to be rid of Raven/Beltran as she could still possibly be a threat to the new Wonderland domination but Madline’s voice doesn’t allow her to do that. So in this case the “evil” uses the “Narrator’s” powers to break Beltran into becoming her “doll” instead of physically abusing him.

Normal Madeline cannot reach Beltran in the state that she is in but can only influence parts of the story presented that she can without letting the other prominent voices finding out. Such as making sure a broken locket is dropped and Beltran can find it. Inside the pendant is a picture of Raven and Maddie. Perhaps even why Madeline brings Beltran when visiting other characters, a bit of influencing of “Madeline Hatter” hoping that Raven would be able to have a normal childhood with other kids.

Who knows what will happen with this family.

Wow…that was fun. Been a long while since I wrote something intentionally triggering. Gives me warm fuzzy feelings inside.

#bleedman #ever after high #Grim tales #raven queen #the grim adventures of billy and mandy #oc #wow #I wrote a lot of shit for shit

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kathyprior4200 · 4 years

Text

Helluva Boss (Remix)

Well, save for a unique family of imps, trying to get their business running.

Just who were these imps?

A nearby screen showed old fashioned numbers ticking down, 3, 2, and 1. Blitzo, a red and white faced imp, appeared on stage in front of purple open curtains. “Hi there, I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.” He put out his hand and the logo appeared above it. The “M” in I.M.P. looked like imp horns, black and white in color. Down below were the words “Immediate Murder Professionals.”

Blitzo spoke again. “Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?” A picture of Blitzo with a mustache and two black top hats over his horns was grinning evilly as a building burned in the background. The sign nearby read “Orphanage for elderly, blind, and newborn dogs.”

“Or are you an innocent soul who just happened to get fucked over by someone else?” The next image showed Blitzo in a white angel costume, throwing away a Styrofoam coffee cup in the garbage in an office.

“After lovingly killing my wife for fucking a delivery man, you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me. I really wish I could stick it to that yapping charter who saw me hiding the body!”

“Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…”

He waved his hand and a flaming portal appeared in the center of the room, causing Moxxie and Millie to scatter.

“…we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who may have screwed you over when you were alive!” He happily fell through the portal on his back.

Then the musical jingle started:

“When you want somebody gone

And you don’t wanna wait too long

Call the Immediate Murder Professionals”

“Whether grenade or cyanide

We’ll make it look like suicide

The Immediate Murder Professionals”

“We do our job so well

‘Cause we come straight up from Hell…”

“We’ll kill your husband or you wife

We’ll even let you keep the knife,

The Immediate…Murder…Professionals.

Kids die for freeee!”

A white person appeared with a thought bubble of his enemy with a red x. A demon fell to the floor and the person looked up. The I.M.P. logo appeared, Millie with a spear, Moxxie with a gun and Blitzo in the middle, spreading out his arms to make an “M.”

Fast paced shots flashed through the ad.

Moxxie throwing a grenade out a window as his companions grinned.

Blitzo hanging a person in an office building while Moxxie watched. Millie held a piece of paper in her hand.

Then more killing scenes flashed: Blitzo electrocuting a person, Millie using a mace, Moxxie choking his victim.

Blitzo led the way through a portal to Earth, Millie and Moxxie following. Moxxie tripped on a book and landed on his face while the others posed. They then stood shocked…at the people in a church staring at them.

Millie killed a naked couple with a chainsaw while Blitzo looked greedily at a woman’s underwear.

Blitzo repeatedly stabbed someone else tied up.

The three imps used more methods to kill Earthlings: Medieval torture racks, shark attacks, fire and gasoline, pillow suffocation, crushing someone to death with a grand piano, electrocution in a lab…

“Kids die for freeeee!” ended the ad.

Moxxie and Millie sang a murder love song in their living room before the meeting. Moxxie played on his purple guitar as Millie watched him with love in her eyes. It reminded them of the good times when they would shot at demons together in the streets, drag a bloody sack behind them and when Millie got a grenade as a present and used it to blow up a building.

“Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill

And my Millie goes in for the kill

She takes away my breath

She’s the angel of death for me

Oh Millie

Queen, it’s like a dream

When I hear her victim start to scream

Get him out of the sack

She’s a maniac for me

Oh Millie

When the blood starts dripping down the sides

And the bodies start to fall from the skies

My heart skips a beat

When my Millie’s guns a blazing in the night

That’s in love

She makes the murdering fun for me

A lottery for all the wins of Hell

It’s for her that I fell…”

Both of them hummed before Moxxie finished,

“Of all the imps in Hell…

Millie joined in, “It’s for him that I fell…

“Oh Millie.” They leaned in for a kiss.

They paused. Moxxie yelled, while looking out the window. His boss, Blitzo was pressed against the window with a video camera. “Are you fucking filming us right now?!”

Moxxie sighed, as a smiling Blitzo held up a sign which read “Meeting in 20 min: nice job banging yo’ wife!”

Just before the meeting, the head imp, Blitzo walked into the receptionist room.

“You what?” Moxxie asked in disbelief.

“Blitz!” Loona barked in outrage.

“So…” Blitzo beamed nervously, “What can I do for you, Stolas?”

The owl overlord replied, lounging on his couch in a royal red robe and a crown.

“Remember that time when I told you that a political candidate was causing problems on Earth? That he tried to convince the world that global warming existed?”

“Yes?” Blitzo answered.

“And that it does, but more people die when nothing’s done about it? Oh, how lonely I felt.”

“That make sense,” Blitzo said.

“Well…I’m very happy for you, sir,” Blitzo said. “I hope that…corn-ah virus does its thing.”

Stolas sighed. “My wife wasn’t happy with me, though. She said you fell onto a cake in the middle of a lunch with the queen and the royal officials. What did you say to her?”

“I said…sorry I fucked your husband.” He gulped.

A tense silence.

Blitzo examined his chest and arms. “I still have the talon scars and peck marks to prove it.”

“And she also said that you stole one of my books, is that true?”

“No! No way!” Blitzo lied, with a nervous laugh. “That was another imp long ago. Can I tell you how great it felt…sleeping with you?”

“Indeed,” Stolas agreed with a contented sigh. “Your sharp horns and claws ruffling through my feathers, and my talons and beak exploring your multicolored flesh…”

“Oh fuck a dick…” Blitzo muttered.

Stolas’ eyes grew red. “Don’t get into trouble, Blitzy. When I’m angry…or excited…which I am…I become hungry. Want to know what happens? I want to choke on your ****lick your *****, tear through your **** leave you screaming as I ***** as you scream like a fucking baby!”

Blitzo hung up the phone, the words reading “creepy mouth: aka one night stand bird dick.” and smashed it with another old phone. He threw the pieces into a blender and mixed it up.

“Here, eat this,” he told Loona who walked in and drank the red liquid.

“And you know that bridge over the freeway?” he asked.

“Yeah?”

“Shit off it. It’s time for the meeting, let’s go.”

Posted on a door were the words “IMP Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.

Blitzo began to speak, pacing back and forth. He looked toward his audience of two imps and a hellhound sitting on chairs around a table.

“All right, now I know business has been…a bit slow, lately.”

“Shouldn’t it be the Bull Market is good and the Bear Market is bad?” said a voice.

“Loona, nobody cares,” Blitzo said. He continued.

“Any decrease could spell disaster for us, not to mention how lots of people use our services and yet look down on us.” Blitzo cleared his throat and spread out his hands. “Now, I’m not saying it’s, *cough* Moxxie’s or anyone’s fault…”

Moxxie raised his eyebrows. The serious imp had a red face, yellow eyes, white hair framing his face and stripped horns jutting off to the sides in slight curves. He wore a large red bow-tie and a navy blue suit. White freckles were present under his eyes.

Blitzo continued, “…but let’s discuss how we can improve. Now does anyone have any ideas on how to get business drumming up again?”

Millie, the bubbly demon raised her hand. She had a red face, messy black hair with a white flower patch near the top, and short black horns with faint white stripes. Her eyes were also yellow and she wore a black top, black torn pants, high heeled shoes and a little black choker around her neck. Her eyelashes extended past her face.

Millie waved her hand and beamed, eyes shining. “What…about…a car wash?!”

“This is Hell, Millie, no one cares about cars being clean here, okay?!”