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#I just had to get this out of my brain bc it’s been living there rent free
rodolfoparras · 1 day
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Hear me out. I’m going absolutely insane, tweaking if you will.
I cannot stop thinking about sugar baby Kyle Gaz Garrick who would do anything for you (for free no need for payment) down on his knees, sloppy and messy, rough and nasty, gentle and soft, name it he’ll do it no problem. Down for anything as long as it involves you and a mix of praise and you degrading him..
Even worse if he’s FTM going under T, fuckers pouncing on you the very moment he sees you open. He’s not stopping even if you’re shooting blanks and basically brainless. The T is messing up with his hormones so bad he can’t help but think that your dick is the best cure 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Also hi.. I haven’t popped in for a hot minute.. how ya been?? Still hot as hell over here 😭
- 🦦 anon
Okay but sugar baby gaz who will do anything with you except for kissing and despite him giving you so much the fact that you don’t know what his lips feels like has you losing your mind but of course you respect his decision it’s just driving you insane seeing his lips stretched taut around your dick or pushing your fingers into his mouth feeling his hot wet tongue lick at them even better if he tells you he isn’t kissing a loser old man bc yes pls bully me 🧎🏻‍♂️
Also hello my sugar bee!! I’ve been good! I’ve had a wee bit of a writers block but it is what it is I hope it just passes soon 😭 I’ve been trying to do other stuff to get my brain working so I watched baby reindeer and let me tell you I was blown away
It’s getting hot here too 😭 and yeah it isn’t anything compared to where you live but I can’t take it 😭 I need to be freezing cold and not drenched in sweat 24/7
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its-not-sof · 1 year
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feels like
mark smut + fluff (virgin!reader)
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It wasn’t your fault you didn’t check the weather forecast that morning before you left for work.
As you stared up at the dark, angry sky, you contemplated the easiest way to get into your apartment building unscathed by the pelting rain. Instead of making a run for it, you sulked in your car, letting out a frustrated sigh.
You suddenly felt your phone buzz, and the face of your newly acquired boyfriend lit up the screen.
“Mark?” You answered his call, a hint of desperation evident in your voice.
“Are you okay, Y/N? Usually you’re back by now, so I already let myself in.”
You smiled warmly. It had only been a few months since you’d started officially seeing each other, but you felt so drawn to him immediately. He made you feel loved, safe and so happy. It was almost like a spare copy of your apartment key had just spontaneously made itself and appeared in your hands for you to give to him last week.
And boy, were you glad for it right now.
“Mark, can you do me a huge favor? I need you to grab my umbrella and bring it out to the parking lot. I’m going to get so soaked on my way in.”
Mark laughed.
“Of course, just give me a second, okay?”
Within moments, your boyfriend came into view, holding your travel umbrella precariously over his head in the windy storm. You steeled your nerves and quickly threw open your car door, taking off into a run towards him. Mark smiled and laughed, amused at your urgency.
“It’s just a little rain, Y/N,” he joked, calling out to you before you landed in his waiting arms.
Even your desperate sprint wasn’t enough to save you from getting drenched, your dripping clothes and skin clinging to your boyfriend’s jacket. When he stood for a moment without moving, you pushed against his chest.
“What are you waiting for, get inside!” You urged, huddling as close as possible to him.
Mark laughed again and pulled you close, teasingly hovering the umbrella just out of your reach for a moment before returning it over your head.
———
“If I catch a cold, it’s going to be your fault,” you huffed, ringing out your soaked hair in the kitchen sink. “From now on, I’m revoking your ‘holding the umbrella’ privileges.”
Mark smiled, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind and pressing a kiss to your cheek,
“You know I’ll be here to take care of you,” he mumbled. “No promises on changing my umbrella technique, though.”
You playfully swatted at his arms, laughing as he quickly tickled at your sides before releasing you to resume your work.
It had taken you a moment to remember that your clothes were completely soaked through. The drenched garments clung to your figure, and your white shirt became particularly see-through.
You turned to face Mark, finding him staring at you intently. You met his gaze and found the most adorable blush dust across his cheeks.
“Oh, don’t mind me— just enjoying the view,” he murmured.
Now it was your turn to blush. You had never undressed in front of Mark before. In fact, there were a lot of things you’d never done before. But the way he looked at you and the way the flirtatious comment rolled so easily off his tongue made you want to try.
Mark sensed something off in your reaction, and immediately backpedaled.
“You should get changed, love. You’re really going to get sick if you keep those on,” he said, a comforting smile gracing his features.
You felt a feeling of boldness bubble up inside your chest. You sucked in a quiet breath.
“Do you… want to help me take these off?” You whispered, letting your eyes meet his and impart your desires where your words lacked. Mark’s eyes widened in return, eyebrows raised at your sudden boldness.
“I mean, yes… yes please,” he purred. His tone shifted, only slightly to one of gentle concern. “Are you sure?”
You held his gaze, without faltering.
“Yes,” you breathed, pulling him in for a passionate kiss. “God, yes.”
Mark instantly pulled you impossibly closer, tangling his fingers in your wet hair, kissing you back with a fervent desire. His hands trailed down your back, brushing against your spine. You weren’t sure if your shivers were because of the cold, or the way his skin made contact with your bare back.
You pulled away only slightly, looking him in the eyes again.
“Can we do this in my room? I just— I’ve never—“ you sighed. “I’ve never done this before,” you admitted.
Mark smiled sweetly, reaching a hand up to cup your cheek.
“Oh, Y/N,” He pressed another kiss to your lips. “Yes,”he took your hand, allowing you to lead him down the hallway.
You pushed open your door, turning to face him before crashing against his lips again. You ran your fingers through his hair, hoping your enthusiasm would make up for your lack of experience.
Mark took the lead, taking your bottom lip between his teeth and pulling gently before reaching for your waist again.
His nimble fingers slipped underneath your soaked shirt, sliding it up slowly. You pulled away for a moment to help him rid you of the wet garment. Mark’s eyes fell to your lace bra, perfectly showcasing your soft breasts. He let out a gentle puff of air before he reached for them gently.
“Tell me if you need me to slow down or stop, okay?” He whispered sincerely, gingerly caressing your skin. You nodded and placed your hands on top of his, guiding them to your chest.
Mark’s hands cupped your breasts, slowly massaging them and quickly finding your sensitive peaks through the lace. You let out a soft sigh as he began to tease them between his fingers.
“Mark…” you sighed, feeling a warmth begin to form in your core. You pulled him closer to you, and in turn, closer to your bed. He took the hint and pressed your body down into the mattress.
He reached behind your back to unhook the lace garment, and his eyes widened as it fell from your shoulders.
“Y/N… god, you’re so beautiful…” he whispered, thickly.
“Mark, please, I need you so bad,” you responded, placing his hands back on your body.
Mark didn’t waste any more time as he let his fingers stroke your soft skin and attached his lips to your exposed neck. You leaned back and threaded your fingers through his hair, keeping him in place. He sucked hard enough to bruise, soothing your raw skin with the tip of his tongue before continuing down your chest.
He stopped at your perked nipples, looking up at you before taking one into his mouth, sucking and licking at it until he heard you moan.
“Y/N, that is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard,” he purred. Your face flushed, and you refused to meet his gaze.
“I hope I get to hear that again tonight,” he smiled as he began to lavish the other breast with the same attention.
You felt a slickness begin to blossom between your legs, and suddenly your wet jeans became even more uncomfortable than they were before.
“Please, get these clothes off me,” you begged, scratching lightly at his shoulders.
Mark complied, carefully unzipping your jeans and sliding them down your legs. His fingers brushed against your thighs, leaving goosebumps in their wake.
He took a moment to take in your beauty— topless, flushed, soaked panties, and pert nipples. He’d never been harder in his life, he thought.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.
You felt your heartbeat race as more of your clothes came off, almost entirely exposing yourself to him. You reached forward and slipped your hands underneath his hoodie, urging him to take it off.
He complied, swiftly removing the garment over his head. You immediately pulled him closer, running your hands over his exposed chest and shoulders.
“You’re beautiful too, you know,” you whispered, giggling softly. Mark smiled into your shoulder, leaving kisses there before pulling back to look into your eyes.
“Y/N, I want you to tell me if anything is uncomfortable, or if I’m going too fast, okay? Promise me?”
You nodded, kissing him gently. Mark smiled, and carefully prompted you to spread your legs.
“Tell me if it’s too much,” he hummed, softly tracing the outline of your folds through your thin, soaked panties. You shifted your hips slightly, swallowing hard as he found your clit and began to circle it.
Your breathing began to quicken as he continued with his agonizing pace, softly teasing you.
“Mark, please,” you whined, grinding down into his touch. Mark laughed softly.
“Okay, okay,” he cooed. His fingers hooked into the waistband of your panties and slowly slid them down your thighs, exposing your dripping center.
You felt the urge to close your legs, suddenly embarrassed at him staring so intently at your most intimate area. Mark’s hands gently coaxed your thighs back open.
“Don’t be shy, love,” he murmured.
You shifted again, relaxing your hips and allowing your legs to fall open for him.
“That’s it,” he whispered, soothingly tracing your skin. He began to lower himself down onto the mattress until his lips were inches away from your core.
“Can I?” He requested, soft breaths fanning across your flaring heat.
You nodded quickly, sucking in a shallow breath.
Mark smirked and slowly licked a stripe up your folds.
“A-ah!” You sighed, squirming already at his touch.
Mark eased your thighs over his shoulders and held you in place while he gave a gentle suck on your most sensitive peak.
“M-Mark, oh god,” you jolted at the unfamiliar sensation, but immediately found yourself longing for more.
“Let me know if it’s too much, okay?” He soothed, diving back in with gentle fervor.
You threw your head back onto the pillows as he began to suck and lick mercilessly at your heat, fingers massaging your inner thighs.
A gasp escaped your lips as his tongue began to flicker quickly across your clit, your hips bucking off the mattress. Mark’s hands held you in place, not allowing you to shy away from the pleasure.
Your breaths became ragged and heaving in between long, languid moans. You could almost feel Mark smiling as he kissed and hummed against your sensitive center.
“Mark, I-I’m getting close,” you whispered, locking your legs around his shoulders. You slid you eyes closed and focused on the feeling.
His lips closed around your sensitive peak once more, sucking hard and circling it with the tip of his tongue. The sensations became too much as his mouth pushed you over the edge for the first time.
“M-Mark!” You cried, feeling him tease you through your orgasm as your walls fluttered around his tongue.
Your chest heaved with uneven breaths as you came down from your high. You opened your eyes and saw Mark’s smiling face looking up at you from between your legs, his lips glistening with your release.
“Felt good?” He murmured, gently stroking your thighs. You giggled softly.
“God, yes,” you ran your fingers through his slightly disheveled hair, tucking a few strands behind his ear. “But, I want to make you feel good too, Mark,” you whispered, scratching lightly at his scalp.
Mark’s eyes were gentle yet full of lust. He knew exactly what you wanted from him.
“Are you sure, Y/N? I don’t want to hurt you.”
You looked into his eyes and leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips.
“Yes. I’ve never been more sure of anything,” you promised.
Mark released you from his hold and crawled back up to kiss your neck.
“Okay, love,” he murmured. “We’ll take it slow, okay?”
You nodded, pulling him close and tracing your fingers across his bare back. You felt him grind his clothed hips gently across your core, and you felt him.
“Just do it, Mark,” you begged, palming him through his sweatpants.
He hissed as he felt your touch, and his reaction sent another wave of arousal through you.
You quickly freed his length from his clothes, and you tried to hide your intimidated reaction as best you could. He was bigger than you expected.
Mark sensed your hesitation immediately.
“We don’t have to do this now,” he murmured, gently stoking your cheek. You shook your head.
“No, I want to. Please?” You asked, looking up at him with confident eyes. Mark leaned in to kiss you slowly.
“Okay. Please stop me if it hurts, Y/N,” he said. “Promise?”
You caught his lips in another quick kiss.
“Promise.”
Mark nodded and carefully returned to your core, swiping his fingers along your folds before inserting one slowly.
You winced slightly at the unfamiliar sensation but quickly relaxed in his gentle hold.
“You okay?” He asked, gently making a ‘come hither’ motion with his index finger inside your walls.
You gasped, nodding quickly, adjusting to the feeling before he added another finger.
“God, you’re so wet, Y/N…” Mark leaned in close to whisper in your ear as his fingers sped up. You could hear a the faint sound of your arousal coating his digits.
“I’m ready, Mark, I promise,” you huffed, your breathing growing heavy again.
Mark placed a kiss behind your ear and trailed down your neck before removing his hand. A string of your wetness clung to his fingers, and he immediately dragged them across your swollen clit. You squirmed, waiting for him to give you what you really wanted.
“Mark…” you whined, shifting your hips impatiently.
“Alright, pretty girl. Just relax for me, okay?” He murmured, spreading your legs a bit wider and positioning himself at your entrance.
You braced yourself as you felt his tip against your folds. You unconsciously tensed a bit, preparing for the impact.
“Relax,” Mark whispered soothingly, massaging the backs of your thighs. “I got you, okay?”
You nodded and released the tension in your hips.
“Good girl,” Mark purred, feeling your muscles relax.
You hissed at the quick, dull pain as he began to push into you. You couldn’t help the quiet whimper that left your lips as you felt him stretch your entrance for the first time.
“Are you okay? Do you need me to stop?” He asked, running his fingers through your hair and looking deeply into your eyes.
You shook your head, trying to ignore the tears prickling your vision. Blinking them away, you met his gaze again.
Mark brushed his thumb across your flushed cheek, catching the tears that fell.
“Just a little bit more, you’re doing so well for me, Y/N. Relax and breathe, okay?”
You smiled at him, urging him to continue. He carefully pushed into you again, causing you to let out another whimper.
“I got you, I’m right here, okay?” Mark soothingly stroked your thigh and cupped your cheek, talking you through his every move.
You soon felt his shallow thrusts beginning to bring a slow wave of pleasure to your core, and he slipped a hand down to gently circle your bundle of nerves. You bit your lip and cling to him tightly, your nails digging into his bare shoulders.
“Y/N, you feel so good,” he groaned, losing himself in your tight hold. “Talk to me. What do you need, love?”
Your mouth fell open as he sped up slightly, moving at a still slow but sensual pace.
“I-It feels good,” you cried. “Please, Mark, don’t stop.”
Mark continued his thrusts, holding you close and whispering soft praises in your ear. It wasn’t long until you felt another high approaching.
“I-I’m gonna— I think I’m—“
You moaned softly as your walls fluttered around his length, and simultaneously bringing him to climax along with it.
“Y/N!” Mark cried, pulling out quickly and releasing across your bare stomach.
Mark’s shoulders heaved as he came down from his own high, taking in the sight of you before him. You looked at him and began to laugh.
“Mark… I can’t believe—“ you smiled and pulled him in for a passionate kiss.
Mark beamed at you, his eyes full of love.
“You did so well,” he murmured, stroking your cheek and brushing a few stray hairs away from your face. “My beautiful girl. I’m so lucky to love you.”
You giggled at his words, feeling like you were floating on air. Mark got out of the bed and quickly returned with a warm, wet towel, gently cleaning you up.
You couldn’t deny the dull pain that still ached in your core. Mark saw you wince as you shifted your hips slightly, and reached out to massage your inner thighs.
“I’m sorry, Y/N, did it hurt too bad?” He asked, a bit panicked.
You shook your head.
“No, no— it’s not your fault.”
Mark refused to let go of your gaze, not convinced.
“Let me run you a bath, okay? Your hair is still wet from the rain, we should get cleaned up anyway,” he insisted, carefully removing the wet towel.
You nodded. He was right.
“That sounds amazing,” you sighed, smiling at him.
Mark leaned in for another kiss before heading to the bathroom.
You watched him walk away, then pause and turn to look at you before reaching the bedroom door.
“Hey. I love you.”
You smiled, almost giddy.
“Hey. I love you too.”
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mattodore · 3 months
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pay attention to theo’s beautiful face and not whatever matthias’s arm is doing... i liked the lighting more here than against the wall
#these are the last screenshots i wanted to edit from the ones i took on the 22nd and had been slowly editing throughout the week#will finally be putting mattodore in their thirties to rest 🙏⚰️#river dipping#echthroi#matthias evanoff#theodore doe#a burning house to live in#ts4#ts4 edit#simblr#ended up not doing much to these screenshots tbh… i was so into the audiobook i was listening to i kinda just. stared at the wall a lot...#my brain was telling me this wasn’t worth posting bc i’ve done so many mattodore edits recently and this isn’t anything different but.#like i did actually spend a few hours with these edits so. on one hand i’m like this isn’t really anything#but on the other hand i’m like. well they’re my ocs whom i love dearly and i’ll probably enjoy looking back at this#the same way i do all my other recent edits which i open my own blog up to stare at like. multiple times in a day#obsessed atm……..#anyway.#god… matthias is so huge he always takes up so much space i’m constantly having to crop him out of edits 😭#and these are poses that weren’t even made from me…. so he’s not even at his full 6’3’’ height and size like 😭😭😭#he distracted me but that aside... i'm waiting for my game to open up atm so i can get back to tweaking alessandria's sim#her face is gonna take me forever.................................#ik i don't talk about my other ocs on here much anymore but alessandria is my third favorite oc (mattodore obviously being my top two)#so... i'm seriously gonna agonize over every update i make for them now kjdhknjf#ocs with tragic backstories save me...................#i’ll probably spend a few hours with alessandria in cas and then i’m going back to google docs to write more abt mattodore
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dandelion-roots · 1 year
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committing atrocities doesn't count if you're a hot bi babygirl <3
[ID: the 'i have done nothing wrong ever' meme where wei wuxian is saying 'i have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life' and lan wangji responds 'i know this, and I love you'. End ID]
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vyibunni · 8 months
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the fontaine characters im looking forward to the most
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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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unloneliest · 5 months
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the problem of the matter is i did internalize so much of what ex friend believed about me. even though i knew he was wrong and knew what was happening and tried to stop it and if i took more action to stop it would have been abusing power i held in a way i couldn't live with myself for.
#A BAD PERSON TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE WOULD'VE GOTTEN YOU FIRED AND EVICTED IN WINTER IN ALASKA YOU MOTHERFUCKER. WHICH I DID NOT DO#he was renting a room from my dad. for cheaper than he wouldve been able to find anywhere else. his brother was too#his brother didn't pay rent for over 6 months and my dad just forgave him the debt because my dad knew how much of a difference it wouldve#made when he was that age. and i had told him ex friend was family to me & my dad applied that to the brother too. bc he is a good person.#and one of the strongest parts of my support system. and i didn't say a word to him about what was happening until i knew he already had a#plan for when he would be ending ex friend's lease. so there would be no subconscious impact on ex friend's housing either#mgmt at work straight up asked me if i thought ex friend should be fired immediately multiple times and i'm in retrospect livid they put me#in that position but told them to go by the strike system in the employee handbook and to follow policy that ex friend knew perfectly. that#it couldn't be on me as acting assistant manager to choose#and after 10 months of workplace harassment i got a different job to save my life. ex friend didn't get fired.#he did saw trap shit to my brain!!!!!! jesus christ#he moved cross country to live with his long time gf he called his wife despite never having met irl. to a way more conservative state.#despite being gay. and she left him this summer lol#hadn't checked his twitter in over a year when it got pulled up frm an old link and i saw that. and when he was already at a low point too#me voice. oh no who could've seen this coming. from how you behave in every relationship in your life#may delete this in the morning. but i have to talk about it sometimes#i'm never reaching out for closure both bc he wouldn't give me any and because i know it would trigger him and i don't intentionally trigge#people. unlike him :)#vampire pit#like. i have to talk about it sometimes. i have to talk about it.#jam posts
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tearfest · 4 months
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mini life update in the tags bc i need somewhere 2 rant < 3
#u can ignore but!#in the process of secretly prepping to cut my mum off bc shes got total financial control over me (im 26)#i got a lot of money when i was 18 from an accident n shes basically in control of my assets bc she made it that wah#*way#if that makes sense#like i can only access my money if i go to the bank with her. she lives in a house i boyght her free of charge#sje bullied me into biying another house in wales so she can rent it out as a holidah home n use it as a free holiday spot n said i would#get an income from it but shes given me nothing in the 4/5 yrs weve had it#she put her name on the deeds to all my assets#so i have money but it is inaccessible#i need some bc i need to fund my phd next year but sje wont help me#anyways! thats lowkey besides the point#my dads got a brain tumor n my mum doesnt know i still see my dad bc she thinks i havent spoke to him since je left like 3 yrs ago#but i helped hjm leave bc she was abusing him n had been since i was like 9#n now im stressed out bc my dads not well and i feel like um running out of time with him#but hes in the hospital at the minute after having a siezure a few weeks after his brain surgery#so ive visited him like 3 days in a row n he remarried this year and my stepmum/sisters are so nice#its like having a real family#and it makes me feel guilty yo say that abt my mum n sister#like the guilt of havi g a bad parent is so real tonight fellas im just gonna sit n cry for a few dags#tbd.#if u read this far i love u .. whats hr zodiac#but yeah! this is why im so inactive#n bc im doi g my masters degree but . that pales in comparison rn
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skitskatdacat63 · 8 months
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Why can I only ever feel dread and never excitement, I'm just incapable of being excited until I'm physically doing whatever it is
#like months before going to austria#i had to apply and everything#and just would have horrible horrible panic attacks and was losing it#and it was just so so so much dread and absolutely no excitement#i had to just resign myself#and then whoops i get there and its a whole month of fun!!! like was really barely every upset#and then: Austrian GP#same situation like dying about it. literally physically sick the morning of#i get there....oh okay fun fun fun!!#anyways this is about how atm i have the possibility of going to COTA#and like i know i should and i kmow i shouldn't miss out on something like this#but god the dread and existential crisis is so bad#like i cant even pinpoint *why* and its always been this way#i just need to someone to assure me and tell me i should push onwards 😭#my brain: what if its disappointing. what if it doesnt live up to whatever preconceived notion you have#me: my brother in f1. this is literally my brainrot that i obsess over daily! why wouldnt it be fun?????#its just some mental hurdle i really struggle to get over and like i just can never feel excitement#like theoretically im like ofc yes this would be fun! but in reality can only dread it#but i really thinm i need to push thru it even tho i feel horribke abt it#bcs its the same exact thing every single time#and just all these stupid inconsequential things always come up in my head#like the fear of missing out on content on here. can literally bring your phone 😭😭😭#anyways panic attack yayyyyyyyy#i just really should go right? AGHHHHHHH 😭😭😭😭#trying to think positive is genuinely impossible. theres some other part of me that reminds me of all the potential bad things#and also this like weird guilt of 'people will think im greedy and spoiled and etc etc etc for getting to go to two'#its not like i really believe any of this but its also like so unavoidable#catie.rambling.txt
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orcelito · 19 days
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Omfg I never actually posted about this but just like 2 days ago I realized that no it is Not normal to experience lightheadedness near daily when I've gone just a little too long without eating
I looked it up and apparently lightheadedness/dizziness CAN be a part of fibromyalgia (which I think I have for a number of different reasons), so like. It all makes sense.
Fuckin fibromyalgia. It's the source of like 95% of my physical problems, I swear. Every Damn Thing can be traced back to it. What a pain.
#speculation nation#'what a pain' haha get it bc chronic pain#frankly speaking the chronic pain part of it isn't the Worst. it's only a few times a month that i get my arm and leg aches#(though sometimes ill have bouts that last longer. like in january i think when i had arm aches for over a Week)#then again my rib cartilage inflammation is a permanent thing. my ribs Always are fucked up.#and i dont know 100% that it's bc of fibro but this condition has been linked to fibro and it didnt go away with anti-inflammatories So#in the end the pain isnt my biggest concern for treating my fibro. aside from the frequent headaches. i Would like to counter those.#what i really need is help with my chronic fatigue and weakness spells#i hate how fragile i feel so much of the time. bc im NOT weak. for my size im actually surprisingly strong.#but im quick to tire and if i push myself too hard then im practically bedridden#i will literally get symptoms of sickness if im too fatigued. including nausea and coughing and headaches#all fixed after ive gotten some rest. so im not Actually sick.#im tired and fed up with how finicky my body is and how i have to eat on time always or i'll be threatened with passing out.#havent passed out Yet but ive had some times where i end up Having to sit bc i get tunnel vision and my scalp is prickling#and it feels like my brain is squeezing and i know i Have to sit down Right Now#idk. there are many things like this. and i am sooooo tired of it.#i want a fibro diagnosis so i can actually get some help for the things that make life so hard to live.#im not depressed im just chronically fatigued. and so very tired.#give me some Energizing Meds or smth. help me please 😭😭😭 i hate living like this 😭😭😭😭😭#i wanna be able to do things without being bedridden for the rest of the day 😭😭😭😭 please 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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daz4i · 9 months
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how is it. that for a whole week. the house smelled fine, and other than some dust and cat hair it was really clean too, and everything was organized and easy to find with no towers of dishes in the sink about to topple over. even tho i didn't clean that much or do anything out of the ordinary to keep the house this way. but now my parents have been home for like 3 days and already every room except for mine is inhospitable from how bad they all smell, and there's mess all over, and the table is constantly sticky, and the sink is somehow full yet barely has any dishes in it bc the way they're organized is so ineffective, and i hate it here i wanna leave so bad
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ban-joey · 6 months
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sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school
#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful#did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w#possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting#plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there#my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh!#not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO#i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig#need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn#but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :)#like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends.#even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP#idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus#yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted)#a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay!#im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid.#he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party#and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate#and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :)#and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING#good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT
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aeide-thea · 10 months
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oh right i forgot the real reason i stopped listening to broadway clips was that i've got this whole enormous miserable knot in my chest abt having been too socially anxious to do anything with my once-upon-a-time-very-gorgeous voice once i got spat out of the safe little nest of my high school, and like, most of the time i forget that knot even exists, but when i listen to the sort of music i used to be part of making (proper opera but also showtunes) it's like. this whole fast-forward feelings journey thru 'oh right that didn't actually go away, it's still right there in my throat, just calcified' to 'oh okay we tugged the loose end and it's unraveling and actually it was keeping contained a whole rush of tears like aeolus' bag of winds in the odyssey…'
#like i decline 2 actually cry abt it but. sure am on the verge of it lmao. thick sore throat and all#i always forget that when i'm actually happy i sing to myself. it's been a long time since i did that#i mean also a big problem with voice was like. the gender thing#conveniently being a mezzo is ALSO a gender thing which did more work for me than i realized but#was listening to a jeremy jordan medley ft. on the street where you live from my fair lady and had a sudden flashback#to the year i was like 'what if i sang that for our musical theater showcase' and my voice teacher was like. noooo not a Boy Song 4 Girl U!#but i used to sing that to myself all the time. also‚ hilariously‚ the girl that i marry from annie get yr gun#which is just like. literally i still thought i was a straight girl tho. the sheer level of doublethink this required.#what was happening in my brain.#(i mean obviously what was happening in my brain was that like. i knew the limits of acceptability)#(and so i couldn't know anything else abt myself.)#(like i've said this before but i do strongly wonder what else my brain isn't allowing me to know bc i still live with my dad)#(which is like. SO dumb bc honestly i'm not sure there's anything i could do that he'd kick me out/disown me over)#(certainly not anything sexuality or even gender related idt)#(but it's like. i know where the discomfort line is and emotionally i just. can't bear to exile myself out beyond it!)#(even if my doing so might eventually shift the line out to where it embraced me again!)#(sometimes learning yr own deep unacceptability in childhood 4 adhd reasons)#(and also 'yr mother is so depressed nothing you do will ever please her. have fun trying tho!!' reasons)#(makes you just. totally incapable of deliberately rendering yrself less acceptable as an adult even when it would be good for you)#(anyway like. thinking back to the K in old home videos who was like. confident that they were an engaging delight)#(and like. what a charming jeremy jordan of a performer they could have made.)#(if only my whole upbringing hadn't then happened to me and crushed all the unacceptable self-expression out of me.)#anyway. shh don't look at me it's fine! it's all fine. 🫥🫥🫥#formative#feelingsblogging
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shima-draws · 2 years
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Btw I hope you all are doing well!! For some reason I feel like it’s been quiet around here, some of that probably has to do with me not posting as much but the other part is probably bc I’m not in a super active fandom right now so interaction activity is kinda low. Usually when I’m making stuff for bigger fandoms my inbox is blowing up all the time but it’s been pretty quiet for a while lol
Or maybe tumblr’s just dying and I didn’t realize. But from what I’ve heard it seems like people are actually coming here from twitter so like? You think there’d be MORE activity but idk
Anyway. Halloween is coming up. If you all have plans I hope you have fun and stay safe!
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gaystardykeco · 10 months
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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transphilza · 2 years
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the entirely random and all consuming urge to rewatch philza hardcore series on youtube
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