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#I hate that I'm going to be stuck with this person

gotyouanyway · 1 day

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time lord ocs info post

ok this is a LOT of info and doesn't even cover it entirely but here's the main details about my little trio of time lord ocs :)

some of the canon details might be a little off - i haven't listened to all of gallifrey: time war yet and i'm pretty sure i nudged some facts around to make everything fit but don't worry about it <3

names:

caldinsedravin (caldin) 3rd regeneration (f, m, m) - ex cia agent - prydonian

hollustallamanta (hollus) 1st regeneration (f) - ex guardsman - prydonian

kilicoversonterast (kilic, kilico to friends and family) 2nd regeneration (m, ?) - genetic engineer - arcalian

story:

academy

- become best friends through constantly being put in weird situations together

- eventually they become known for being an inseparable trio, nicknamed gallifreyan equivalent of “XYZ” as a group like cartesian coordinates. caldin is x, hollus is y, kilic is z. they hate it but privately consider themselves lucky it wasn’t something more mean

- graduated a few years before the civil war

pre/early time war

- caldin went into the cia, hollus into the chancellery guard, kilic became a teacher at the academy

- hollus and caldin got together romantically toward the end of their academy days, slowly get more serious over the years after they graduate

- they all have individual adventures for a bit (caldin regenerates) but all stay friends

- time war starts

- kilic is drafted into project revenant, gets obsessed with it and starts experimenting on himself

- when the chancellery guard is dissolved, hollus wants to run rather than be forced into the idu

- eventually she convinces caldin to go with her

- caldin wants to bring kilic with them, so they go to get him but he’s not having it at all

- they fight badly. caldin pulls a staser and goes to shoot kilic. at the same time, kilic grabs the staser and caldin’s arm, causing the blast to go through them both and intensify/kick back. they’re both badly hurt and regenerate

- kilic regenerates into the same body because of their experimentation, but it's messed up

house era

- hollus takes caldin and runs. they can’t get any kind of off-planet transport so they just flee the capitol

- they go through it for a while. they aren’t important enough to be hunted down, but if they ran into conscription officers or anything they’d be taken back in and punished

- eventually they find a House (unnamed rn) that looks abandoned and they take shelter there. the house is a little senile

- they find 2 children/loomlings/whatever you want to call them. all the adults were conscripted, the older children were taken away, but these two hid (sidan and linara. they’re a whole other story, lots going on there)

- eventually more kids join them from other houses/from the house’s loom. hollus and caldin are kind of stuck taking care of them and it’s dangerous and insane. see my post about broken looms for a little more detail but they need their own post tbh

- kilico stays in the capitol working for rassilon and the war council. the others are always trying to convince them to come join them and they won’t do it. but they can’t just leave them out there to suffer either, so they help with supplies and evading conscription etc. at great personal risk and not always unselfishly. they want hollus and caldin to come back to the capitol where they can keep them safe. they want them to stop being childish and running away. they want them to be back together and happy again. etc.

characters:

caldin

core traits across regenerations: hot headed, deeply emotional, self interested/internally focused (as in, only cares about themselves and loved ones, doesn’t pay much attention to society in general)

caldin 1 (academy & cia)

-bright, sarcastic, playful

-overly ambitious, competitive, arrogant

-loyal to her friends but doesn’t always treat them super great

-recruited by the cia more for her disposition and potential than her skill or intelligence, but did really well in training

-regenerates on her first field mission when an enemy operative attacks her

caldin 2 (pre/early time war - cia)

-serious, compassionate, tense

-still ambitious, but less tolerant of navigating fair competition and existing power structures. makes him frustrated and eventually, unwilling to even play the game once the time war messes everything up

-barks at authority but doesn’t bite

-terrified of regeneration

-regenerates due to staser feedback when shooting kilic

caldin 3 (house era)

-funny (both intentionally and not), cautious, old soul

-no filter, no patience for small annoyances, but more mature and rational than he’s ever been where it really matters

-tired, hurt, scared, but keeping it together and trying to make the best of things

-just wants his loved ones with him and for the fighting to stop and the kids to live (against all odds, he’s pretty good with the kids. not great, but pretty good)

-almost won’t even look at kilic. fight on sight. but needs the help they’re giving and misses them so bad

-extremely grouchy about the house but protects it like a housekeeper

-the struggler

hollus

core traits: analytical, bloodthirsty, insecure in herself as an individual (needs a group to thrive)

(academy)

-meticulous, straightforward, level headed

-really into weapons and weapon maintenance as well as the technical aspects of combat

-bit autistic in general

-not a peacekeeper but gives the impression of being at the eye of the caldin/kilico storm

-challenges authority but in a respectful bargaining way that gets her what she wants

(pre/early time war - chancellery guard)

-the guard becomes her life and she loves it

-quickly promoted to commander

-really discovers her love of combat here and feels good having healthy safe outlets for it (not something she actively recognizes about herself but true)

-everyone’s favourite trainer because she’s honest about extreme violence and knows everything about stasers. plus she’s pretty. the new recruits all fall in love with her

-most of her squadron sided with romana during the civil war they were like blood bonded brothers and all that. except for the ones she lost (either to picking sides or to the virus or to death or whatever) which hurt so bad she never even processed it oops

-loyal to the guard (her friends) over gallifrey so when the guard is disbanded she splits immediately

(house era)

-still the same but colder. getting emotionally closed off. lonely without her comrades

-finds herself wanting to either cling to caldin or push him away depending on the day, but he’s sort of immune to it (doesn’t take it personally, doesn’t overreact to her moods)

-feels guilty about how much she still secretly enjoys combat even though it’s real and dangerous now (same as she felt during the civil war but so much worse because of how many innocents are involved now, + it's worse without the buffer of a dozen other bloodthirsty guardsmen surrounding her at all times)

-struggling to develop some kind of maternal instinct toward the kids but it’s not going great. would still do anything for them but it’s all very weird for her

-also grouchy about the house. would throttle it if she could find out which part was the neck

kilic/kilico

core traits: obsessive, curious, “i can fix everything if i try hard enough”

kilic 1 (academy)

-flippant, brainy, head in the clouds

-cares about studies and about his eventual place in time lord society way more than the others (stuffy old professor in the making, but not yet yknow)

-obsessed with the biology of regeneration. weird about it. gets the group to play eighth man bound

-stumbles into opportunities rather than having any idea of how to navigate time lord society, but it works

-often feels like he and hollus are babysitting caldin. hollus would say she’s not babysitting anyone she’s just watching the show

-a little jealous of his friends, he thinks they’re cooler than him, but doesn’t actually want to be like them. just wants to also be cool (they are all equally cool/uncool in reality he’s just got self esteem issues)

-constantly fighting with caldin but when they’re not fighting they’re inseparable

(pre/early time war)

-genetic engineer specializing in regeneration

-professor at the academy, not really through choice but because that’s the best way to get research grants and assistants

-doesn’t care that much about his students or their education, but does have a soft spot for the much younger ones and the ones who get all excited about regeneration biology like he does

-has sort of a cult following of students who are obsessed with him in a ‘this guy is so insane it’s funny let’s study him’ way but he doesn’t know about it and never finds out

-occasionally gets caught up in petty prof drama and has a good time with it (caldin’s influence)

-when the war starts and the academy is shut down, he’s drafted into project revenant and gets freakishly obsessed with it

-he’s scared of the war and thinks this will keep everyone he loves alive and safe

-personally supervises resurrections and is working on augmenting regeneration

-starts going wild with experiments and does them on himself when willing volunteers run out (he’d never get unethical enough to experiment on anyone against their will, at least)

-regenerates when shot by caldin, but into the same body because of self experimentation

kilic 2 (house era)

-regeneration induced identity issues. same body, same mind, but still regenerated. entire personality shifted to the left, intensified, came back wrong. gave them gender issues too (many such cases)

-still working on proj. rev. after the dalek attack but everything is going crazy everything is broken the vibes are twisted now that the project has moved and half the people on it are dead or resurrected

-questioning loyalty due to everything falling apart and the identity issues

-really trying to have everything both ways. keeps helping caldin and hollus evade capture on purpose, wants to go with them, wants them to come back, wants them captured, wants them safe and happy in their new home

-increasingly wants to run away and go live with them but can’t let go of the project. despite everything they still think revenant is the only way they’re all going to survive the war

-even if they did decide to flee, they don’t think hollus and caldin would take them in and they’re probably right

notes:

i forgot there was a hollis in gallifrey s4 when i made my hollus so we're just ignoring that. that guy wasn't anything anyway

idk what's meant to have become of proj. rev. after the dalek invasion but based on narvin saying they might resurrect his dad later on, i'm assuming they sort of tried to keep it going. idk.

they do have other friends and relationships besides each other. but you know how it is.

i didn't reference it much in the post for clarity but they used their academy nicknames a lot in the academy and occasionally after to tease each other. they also use them when delivering coded messages between the house and the capitol. they are xyz :)

made picrews of them <3

caldin 1, 2, 3

hollus

kilic

#this post is so long sorry i just love them your honour #i tried to make it as organized and readable as possible but it's sooo hard to do subheadings on here..#maybe if i do colour text idk.. whatev #p #ocposting #xyz

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suburbanlegnd · 1 month

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well well well, who would've thought that self-isolation and lack of friends during my teenage years would affect my adulthood in the worst possible ways

#dammit #i wish i could go back in time!#or at least swapped bodies with another person #but noooo #I'm stuck in this stupid piece of flesh for the rest of my life #im just done with myself #but especially with having bpd #i fucking hate it here #childhood traumas are the worst #rambles

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leaveherwildliketheflowers · 6 months

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Therapy has been deep in childhood stuff for the last month and it's s super uncomfy. I hit my breaking point this week and "friend zoned" T. I just shut down and refused to talk about anything unless it was meaningless gossip that in no way impacts my life. I refuse to talk about my mood, why I'm overwhelmed and anxious, what's on my mind, why nightmares are flaring up, or my family (especially not my family). But my Husband's cousin getting engaged to a 20 year old boy that recently shoved a bean so far up her nose she had to get it removed by a doctor, well I can easily fill 30 minutes with that content!

I just really hate being that seen. Letting someone in that deeply, to see the core of who I am and what I have experienced that made me this way, feels dangerous. My walls are now sky high and I would rather die in my sleep than continue to work through this shit with T. Now please excuse my while I go crawl into a hole and never come out.

#personal #therapy #trauma #CPTSD #but don't worry I'm still functioning and seemingly fine #because my kid and husband and dog and friends and work still need me #also very safe despite my deep desire to implode and destroy myself #whyyyyyy am I like this #I need to just fucking let it go #sometimes I hate that I'm successful instead of stuck in repeat patterns of abuse because I feel very invalid in my feelings #which I realize is a very fucked up thing to say and I hate myself for feeling that way

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iero · 6 months

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Once again thinking about how my rent is gonna increase in the next month of a half (the beginning of next year approximately) and the new rent cost is simply not worth it for my place and thinking about how the new rent cost is how much it would cost for a decent one bedroom in one of the two major cities of PA where there's more job opportunities and just things to DO in general, but I'm too scared of change to actually go through with it...

#personal #I just hate this feeling of feeling like I'm gonna be stuck in my hometown forever until I D-word LMAO.#I DO have apartments alerts on for Pitt and Philly though in my price range. Looking at my options...#Hate how I'm too scared to take risks like that though.#Also see: I HATE apartment hunting and/or the process of moving.#It's like I can afford the new rent increase so I'm grateful for that. I just REALLY don't feel it's worth it for this place.#My neighbor's already moved out about a month ago because they thought the same exact thing and they told me so LMAOO #Don't mind me. I'm Going Through it...

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slippery-minghus · 24 days

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hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.

and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.

i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.

where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).

but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?

#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady #but i don't ACT on it #and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human.#and at work we're stuck together #the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness #that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever.#bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't #i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention #i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you #you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it #it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments #to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy #and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you #that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit #like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to #modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind #and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill #3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO.#i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen #and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way #and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her!#'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!!#and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused??#like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ?#personal #*exhales* okay i feel better now #i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!!#but until i process it i can't let go #and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow #it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!

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helloamhere · 2 years

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please

dear folks on tumblr dot com who might see this

this is the first day in four months I've been well enough to get back to wedding planning and I am losing my ever-loving shit about my wedding dress

the one (1!!!!!!) thing I promised myself I was not going to do!!!!!

if you have it in you please leave me a message or a thought about how it's ok to wear whatever you want on your wedding like it's ok to walk away from the dress you bought three years ago as a different person that now you don't think fits quite right (mentally and physically) or it's ok to go buy something random that feels mostly comfortable or it's even ok to wear the (1) very nice dress you did buy yourself which probably looks fine or even good (if you don't have the energy to figure anything else out)

#of course this is also mostly about whether it's ok to be having a wedding while being a sick person #I want it so much #I just want to spend time with people #I just cannot do any of THE THINGS you're supposed to do #including figuring out how to alter this dress #I cannot #and I cannot let myself get stuck in hating my. body #I want to feel comfortable!!!!! I want TO FEEL FREE!!!!!#halp #tumblr dot com I come to you because you can't post this stuff anywhere else #genuinely I promised myself so hard and I put so much work into being like I AM GOING TO BE FINE ABOUT THIS #personal #I'm sorry this is so unprofound and so cliche

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mrsmarlasinger · 1 year

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Hmmmmmmmm quick question! What do you do when your executive dysfunction has reached such a critical state that you:

are actively ignoring things you desperately need to do

are ghosting your employers (even though you can make it all go away by doing the one thing you most need to do: send an email and QUIT)

have almost three dozen notifications that you can't even bring yourself to look at

completely unironically have done nothing but sleep and flip between two apps for days

are fucking up your professional/financial future even though you need to move out in a matter of months

✨and✨

are paralyzed by anxiety that keeps mounting to increasingly unsustainable heights

YET

you GENUINELY CANNOT figure out how to PHYSICALLY FORCE YOUR BODY to do the (extremely short, extremely important) list of things you keep telling yourself you're going to do

because at this point you can't even shower or change the clothes you've been wearing for days on end?

Asking for a friend. I'm the friend.

#i'm actually really really scared at this point #i don't know what to do i can't get unstuck i feel like i'm being fucking possessed by a demon of sloth or something (idk i'm not catholic)#the last time this happened THIS badly was a year ago in my last semester of college #i literally was not going to graduate bc I couldn't finish my online course and i was every day paralyzed with fear but i COULDN'T #eventually i sat down once for 8 hrs straight and once for 27 hrs straight and knocked it out in two sittings. how did i do that #i feel like i have no control over myself. all i am all the time is tired and miserable and scared and i can't stop sleeping i just can't #i sleep through every single day and i can't stop it. i can't even stop myself from eating chips and candy and fucking bullshit like that #i'm literally just in what feels like a crisis but it's the most static passive crisis on earth and looks from the outside like NOTHING #like you talk to me and think i'm fine and just being really lazy but inside i am panicking and i hate myself but i'm STUCK #idk what to do like i honestly wish i had meth or coke at this point lol. anything to force my brain out of this fucking static haze #i think i'll pound some kratom. red to gloss over the anxiety‚ white for energy. just parachute a couple grams and cure it. i hope.#god you have no idea what i'd do just to get off tumblr and reddit for ten minutes #personal #executive dysfunction #adhd #depression #actually adhd #actually depressed #untreated adhd #vent #vent tw #vent cw #tw vent #cw vent #mental illness #mental illness tw

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