you wanted to be a good friend, because you loved your friends, but the truth was that everyone else somehow had a pamphlet on being normal that you never received. most of the time you learn by trial-and-error. you are terrified of the next big mistake you make, because it seems like the rules are completely arbitrary.

you've learned to keep the prickly parts of your personality in a stormcloud under your bed - as if they're a second version of you; one that will make your friends hate you. it feels feral, burning, ugly.

instead, you have assembled habits based on the statistical likelihood of pleasing others. you're a good listener, which is to say - if you do speak up, you might end up saying the wrong thing and scaring off someone, but people tend to like someone-who-listens. or you've got no true desires or goals, because people like it when you're passive, mutable. you're "not easy to fluster" which is to say - your emotions are fundamentally uninteresting to others around you; so you've learned to control them to a degree that you can no longer really feel them happening.

you have long suspected something is wrong with you, but most of the time, googling doesn't help. you are so-used to helping-yourself, alone and with no handbook. the reek of your real self feels more like a horrible joke - you wake up, and, despite all your preparations, suddenly the whole house is full of smoke. the real you is someone waiting to ruin your other-life, the one where you're normal and happy. the real-self is unpredictable, angry.

your real self snarls when people infantilize the whole situation. because if you were really suffering, everyone seems to think you'd be completely unable to cope. but you already learned the rules, so you do know how to cope, and you have fucking been coping. it's not black-and-white. it's not that you are healed during the other times - it's just that you're able to fucking try. and honestly, whenever you show symptoms, it's a really fucking bad sign.

because the symptoms you have are ugly and unmanageable for others. your symptoms aren't waifish white girl things. they're annoying and complicated. they will be the subject of so many pretentious instagram reels. if they cared about you, they'd just show up on time. you care, a lot, so deeply it burns you. you like to picture a world where the comments read if they loved you, they'd never need glasses to see. but since that's a rule you've seen repeated - "one must never be late or you are a bad friend" - you constantly worry about being late and leave agonizingly early. there are no words for how you feel when you're still late; no matter how hard you were trying.

so you have to make up for it. you have to make up for that little horrible real you that you keep locked in a cabinet. you are bad at answering emails so every project you make has to be perfect. you are weird and sensitive so you have to learn to be funny and interesting. you are an inconvenience to others, so you become as smooth as possible, buffing out all the rough parts.

all this. all this. so people can pass their hands over you and just tell you just the once -how good you are. you're a good friend. you're loveable.

Hello!

If you're not too busy, would you mind listing some of the things you think count as death flags for Mr. Spender?

There's the obvious fact that he's the "old" mentor to group of young protagonists, but what else do you think would count?

OHH BOY ok so I'd think I'm a crackpot for this but since we're talking about Zack "Foreshadowing" Morrison. I have some thoughts

No harm in leading with the (chronologically) first thing that jumped out at me:

This one IMMEDIATELY made me antsy whenever I came back to it after my initial read, and considering Zack has referred to it on twitter in the past as one of their favorite jokes it's definitely not been forgotten about.

Second, the sheer amounts of near-misses, jokey or not, of Spender narrowly avoiding specifically lightning

Again, not much, but it's weird that it happened thrice, latter two of which had real gravitas rather than an one-off joke.

And third, Spender himself. He's repeatedly shown himself to be kind of a self sacrificing idiot, as well as prideful to a fault. Granted, it's both him and Mina trying to take on all the responsibility of saving Mayview and its inhabitants from their fate.. But Spender is exactly that right measure of doesn't-value-himself-enough (chest footprint aftercare or lack thereof), having an obscene amount of power (enables his loner act + pride) and poor judgement that has the capacity to put him at great risk. And it has!

Spender has not only shown low enough self-esteem to view himself as the de-facto scapegoat for the safety of the town, but also prideful enough to make very bad calls that end up in people, often himself, hurt (COUGH FORGE INCIDENT COUGH)

This is all conjecture, but it's definitely enough to make me worried about him :') Even if all this doesn't mean he'll necessarily die he's definitely getting (even more) seriously injured at some point. I love the guy but he's so far doing a horrible job of convincing me he wants to live bad enough to circumvent at least that

oc deep dive questionnaire - dhes edition

tagged by @sikoi (ty you for the tag!! <3)

-what common/uncommon fear do they have? tbh, there's not much that scares Dhes. when he was younger, he feared rejection, but that fear has lessened significantly as he's gotten older & become more comfortable with himself

-do they have any pet peeves? he's pretty particular about housekeeping, so his biggest pet peeves tend to be related to that. but he especially hates when Kelly leaves his shoes lying around instead of putting them away (bc Dhes *always* trips over them lol)

-what are 3 items you can find in their bedroom? CDs (lots of CDs), a tamagotchi (he brings it to work. it never stays alive long), & notes that he & Kel wrote back & forth to each other during class throughout their teen years

-what do they notice first in a person? whether or not they look directly at him/look him in the eyes

-on a scale of 1-10, how high is their pain tolerance? probably 8 or 9

-do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure? fight - Dhestyn's a fighter through & through

-do they come from a big family/are they a family person? his family is pretty average, size-wise. his family dynamic is very eccentric, so whether or not he's a "family person" is kind of a complicated answer. he's not particularly close with anyone in his immediate family, but he does talk to them & visit them often

-what animal represents them best? a dog - generally, he's very friendly & loyal, but in the right circumstances, he does tend to bite

-what is a smell that they dislike? burning meat

-have they broken any bones? if so, how? several, mostly his fingers & wrists though. he's broken them in skateboarding accidents, during fights with other kids when he was in middle/high school, & by simply making poor decisions due to his reckless nature :-)

-how would a stranger likely describe them? i actually kind of explained this on his character page, but to sum it up people tend to see Dhes as either very charming or very unsavory

-are they a night owl or a morning bird? both! Dhes has a horrific sleep schedule. he'll regularly stay up until 1-2am & he wakes up at 5 o'clock every morning. though if he had to choose one, he prefers mornings

-what is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love? he really likes cinnamon. he's not a big fan of seafood.

-do they have any hobbies? yes! skateboarding, hacky sack, making playlists & listening to music, working out (weights/jogging), fashion (read: "fashion"), & ruining his hair, to name a few.

-boom, surprise birthday party! how do they react to surprises? Dhestyn always appreciates a nice surprise

-do they like to wear jewelry? if so, what is their favorite piece? yes, the man loves to accessorize. his favorite piece of "jewelry" is actually a necklace Kel gave to him when they were fifteen - it's a simple black cord with one of Kel's old guitar picks on it.

-do they have neat or messy handwriting? somewhere in the middle - it's legible, at least.

-what are two emotions they feel the most? love & anger

-do they have a favorite fabric? not particularly, no

-what kind of accent do they have? standard PNW accent when speaking English, though occasionally he'll have hints of a more Mexican-American accent, which he picked up from his mom's side of the family

tagging: @mobwhim, @lynzishell, @vicciouxs, @teddybearsims, & @salemssimblr (feel free to ignore ofc!)

Happy Holidays!!

Post 5 songs associated with your OC, followed by 3 outfits they would wear

Tagged by @arendaes, thanks! Balthazar's the only one I have a sorta workable collection of outfit stuff accessible for, so he wins by default, haha. Although doing this I realized I usually just save single garments, crops, or people's daily outfits (can't post those!!!!) for refs... Forgive me a poor showing. ^^;; I mustered two images of outfits at least??

Five Songs

Nice Type - KIRA feat. monii

The Queen of White Lies - The Orion Experience

Bitter Choco Decoration - syudou

Secret Himitsu - PinnochioP

Debt Collector - Jhariah

Three Outfits

There was no proper way to include them, but these are my favorite shoes in my reference folder for him.

Tagging @camelliagwerm, @bearvanhelsing, and @mountainashfae, if you're interested?

sick of people acting like being alone/lonely = being single. ofc you're allowed to feel like that, I'm aro and could not care less that I don't have a partner so I have no idea what it feels like to have that experience, but god just once I'd like to find poetry and art made by people who know how it feels to have no friends and feel lonely no matter how many people are around you and know that you don't belong no matter where you are

way back when, sometime after I finished my first playthrough of pokemon scarlet, I brought back some of my old OCs and completely re-made them because the brainrot reached critical mass...

didn’t wanna take the student route so I made my OCs academy faculty members instead (librarians)!

Their names are Raine and Fatima. Raine is a Contest Coordinator hopeful and Fatima is a Dark-type specialist who wants to become a trainer again after previously retiring.

Raine is one of my oldest OCs ever, so I really wish I could have done her justice and made more art for her, especially by completing her full-body ref. My chronic pain won yet again..

You can read an even more detailed description of my Pokemon OCs here on a carrd I made just for them! bask in my self-indulgence.

got sad abt fawn’s little motel room again 😞

I've possibly made a mistake.

there is something so gender affirming about writing about yourself in a professional sense and feeling comfortable about switching pronouns throughout the entire blurb

Vesper thoughts; Late Night Swim (Please read the tags for CW before opening)

Sometimes, when it's late at night and he can't sleep, Vesper will go for a swim in the Citadel's private pool. Technically it's Pansa's, but Vesper uses it far more often. He keeps the overhead lights off, just turning on the ambient lights beneath the water, setting them to a soft pink. The water is cold at night, since he never bothers to turn on the heaters. He lowers himself in slowly and launches off the side with his feet, dipping below the water and silently swimming across the length of the pool. He touches his fingertips to the opposite wall, comes up for a breath, and then launches off again. He lets himself get lost in the rhythm of it, almost meditative as each gasp for breath and soft splash fills the otherwise silent room. He'd struggled with swimming when he was young. He'd never seen so much water in one place before, and he certainly couldn't imagine being able to move your body through it. He hadn't been the only cadet who couldn't swim, but he still wasn't willing to be left behind, learning this basic skill as others got to start the real training. He took up every second of pool time he was allowed to. The number of times he'd almost drowned was over half a dozen. It never stopped him. Tonight he swims with grace, barely perceptible in the dark, pink water. On one wall of the pool room is a massive window overlooking the city of Starport. Lights glimmer from below, but up above the jagged silhouette of skyscrapers is a clear view of the night sky. Three moons shine brightly, surrounded by the pinprick light of stars. Vesper lets it interrupt his focus, gliding to the edge of the pool and staring out. The city is always alight, never sleeping, alive with the constant flow of power thanks to Stardust, the lifeblood of the Empire. He's not unlike the city, in that way. As his gaze turns up towards the sky, he gets a familiar feeling in his chest. It feels like someone is pulling him, like there are two strong hands wrapped around his ribs tugging him out toward the sky. The tightness spreads up into his neck, feeling as if there's something lodged there, words he does not know trapped in his throat, desperately needing to be called out. He tries to follow the feeling, let the words free, but there's nothing. He remains silent. Finally, he pushes away from the wall and treads water in the center of the pool. If he looks closely at the water he can almost convince himself that it's reflecting the sky. Vesper takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He lets himself sink. He can feel it when his back makes contact with the floor. He looks behind him, but nothing is there. Stretching infinitely in all directions is the cold, eternal void of space. His hair flows up above him with no gravity to hold it down. Beyond him is a field of stars, trillions all clustered together, sisters lighting up the otherwise desolate stage in a glittering crescendo of flame and color. For a moment their magnificence is all he can comprehend, and he releases the knot in his throat in a silent, awestruck breath. Bubbles emerge from his mouth and float up and away.

Their beauty reaches his soul, but their warmth is inaccessible at this distance. The void's cold prickles against his skin. His fingers buzz like static, and when he finally brings them up to his face they're a bright pink. With a twitch, his fingertips break away into shimmering Stardust. There's an odd feeling in his chest again. It's different now, not being pulled away but rather crushing in on itself. It feels tight and uncomfortable, constricting his lungs and pressing hard against his bones. He watches as more of his hand disintegrates and floats away from him. It doesn't hurt much. It's prickly and uncomfortable, but then it's just numb. Maybe it will spread across his whole body. That wouldn't be so bad really. He could stay here forever that way. The pressure has turned into pain. It's crushing his lungs, traveling up his esophagus and winding around his throat. It hurts. He wants the light to spread faster, to reach his chest and turn it to dust so the ache will stop. He'll be at rest, his body turned to Stardust, the lifeblood of the Empire. The Empire. Vesper opens his eyes. He breaks the surface of the water with a crash and is able to make his way to a ledge, resting his weight against it as he violently coughs and gasps for air. It takes him several minutes to finally catch his breath. He's tired, and he's freezing, but he feels more at ease than he had before. He gets out and dries himself off, changing into some very comfortable pajamas, a gift from Pansa. He returns to his quarters and crawls back into bed. The covers are soft and warm. Feeling cozy and exhausted, he finds it easy to drift off to sleep. He dreams of stars.

another day another book tainted by the presence of a screen adaptation and most of all: its male lead 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬

thinking agian about how shanks wanted to see roger cry and that he tells luffy he should cry but that shanks himself takes after roger in that regard and won't cry in front of people !!!

babe wake up new oc lore just dropped (aka long ramble about hira under the cut)

the thing about hira is. she grew up in an orphanage in the western earth kingdom. she was left there as a baby with nothing but her name. she doesn’t know who her parents were, where she’s from, and when her efforts to figure this out prove fruitless, it hurts. she longs for family, for knowledge and identity and culture, only spurred on by the feeling of alienation from (and perhaps jealousy towards) her peers.

(and maybe she conflates those different types of longing, maybe she thinks if she discovers what nation her parents were from she’ll find a new family there.)

so when she finds out she can airbend, she’s overjoyed. she throws herself into learning everything she can about the bending and the culture. she makes plans to go to the temples when she gets off the ship. when she gets there, she’ll finally have a family. she’ll finally be at home.

and that is one of the reasons she struggles so much when she realises she actually likes it on the ship. she likes being with these people, these pirates who have actually begun to feel like some sort family to her. the ship feels like home. and that’s why, eventually, she stays.

(and also, she’s scared. she’s scared they won’t accept her at the temples, that she isn’t air nomad enough. that she doesn’t know enough. she’ll go, just later. not yet.)

she stays, and keeps learning. she learns to meditate, to write air nomad script and speak air nomad languages, to cook air nomad recipes, all under the tutelage of sita (though for the last one, chusak helps too). she’s almost a bending prodigy.

and then she discovers she’s the avatar. and she refuses to believe it.

because being the avatar would mean being not really an air nomad. it would mean a duty to the world, and with that, an inability to fully comply with air nomad philosophy. the avatar can’t stay detached from worldly matters or choose not to harm.

so she denies it.

eventually, with the help of her friends (her family) she learns to separate the concepts of family and culture and identity and bending. she learns her worth doesn’t depend on those things, that she can be multiple things at once, that she doesn’t have to choose. she can do her duty as the avatar and still be an air nomad.

can bend any of the elements and speak both the languages of the eastern air temple and a small village in the west of the earth kingdom and prefer her tea the way it’s served in tea houses decked out in green but prefer her bread the way it’s eaten by nuns and have it be okay. she doesn’t have to choose or change or be perfect to be loved. her family is a motley pirate crew made up of people who find their origins in all four corners of the globe, and they celebrate all their wonderful differences.

so indeed, I think more than anything, wind in the sails is a story about identity & culture & personal growth.

I posted 2,131 times in 2022

25 posts created (1%)

2,106 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@protectwoc

@harriyanna

@thishazeleyeddemon

@quellstak

I tagged 1,995 of my posts in 2022

Only 6% of my posts had no tags

#😍 - 801 posts

#queue give me a chance well not a chance - 749 posts

#✊ - 736 posts

#👑 - 611 posts

#this has been a psa - 541 posts

#😂 - 252 posts

#disney descendants - 137 posts

#relatable af - 82 posts

#long post - 75 posts

#writer tips - 63 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#pussy like to be able to make it to the meeting tonight but i will be there at the same time i don't have a car so i can get it to you by t

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

While Twitter is sinking, here's how things are going at Amazon:

34 notes - Posted November 11, 2022

#4

Watch "it's time to talk about fandom racism at fan cons." on YouTube

70 notes - Posted June 1, 2022

#3

Yeah, so turns out that they've filmed at Nazi concentration camps AND have turned said concentration camps into Airbnbs with Stranger Things themed rooms in cells.

I doubt the petition will do any real damage but fuck it, it's a start and I'm spreading the word.

106 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

#2

Watch "you don't talk about a black woman's hair, chris rock." on YouTube

154 notes - Posted March 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

"I lost focus and had a consensual workplace relationship."

197 notes - Posted September 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

seeing multiple ends of a discourse football on my dash, reblogged by good well-intentioned people who i respect and think highly of and whose values i'm pretty sure have a great deal of overlap, and just thinking abt a post i saw recently that i'm p sure is still wending its way thru my queue, abt tumblr/socmed discussions as border skirmishes intended to underscore division, rather than as consensus-building...