#I don’t know maybe im alone in this!
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one of my dreams as a bright-eyed freshie noob nsfw tumblr user was to one day have my own place with tons of extra rooms and to have partners and kink friends rotating in an out of the house like all the old big kink creators used to on here, making content and gif sets with my friends and enjoying our sexuality together
#unimportant thoughts#doable still? maybe one day#I don’t know !#used to dream about it a lot#there used to be a big (since cancelled) creator that did a lot of stuff like that#creators would come and stay in his house for month(s) long vacations in between jobs and school#like could you imagine?#going and living with a creator you love for a summer?#getting to make content together snd have fun with no stress or pressure?#I don’t know maybe im alone in this!#BUT#I don’t know itd be nice!#i love the idea of being a Home#maybe not peoples permanent home#i csnt imagine being a lot of peoples healthy long time permanent partner lol#but yk its enough to be Somebody in peoples lives yk?#im happy to be someone who was right for you for a little while#be it a few months or a summer or a year or a few years#im happy with that#i want to end it on a high note and keep going as friends after#i want to still have occasional flings and catch up on each orhers lives all the time#i dont think i can be everyones forever#and itd be greedy to think i could be !#but i want to be someone people look back on fondly#that people say ‘he was a good influence in my life. i’m happy I was with him. he was the right person for me in a lot of ways’#i want to be someone people are proud of havin been involved with#i want those tumblr gifsets and relationship maps and talking about how x is moving out to go to grad school soon but we still love each#other and im proud of them for moving to the next stage in life#i want to be a revolving door thats always open!#but it only works if other people want it too! and if those people DO actually value me like tjat
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the hand that feeds
#dimension 20#my art#acoc#trw#many thoughts about them that im unable to articulate#just thinking a lot about how they were probably around the same age during the events of trw#and i think a lot about karna as far as i know not knowing any other warlocks of the hungry one besides herself#the scene in the inn when she looks in the mirror at the rot growing hits me so hard#something about being so young and all alone with the dread you feel about your own body#who can you tell who would get it#who can you tell that it wouldn’t feel like giving them something to use against you#idk i just think about these two a lot#wonder what it would’ve been like if they could have met each other#(do i have a fic where they meet that ive been procrastinating on uploading to ao3 for months. Maybe)#(i don’t write like Ever and i haven’t had the confidence to share it yet. anyway)#this whole post is just me talking to a wall lmao don’t mind me everyone#a crown of candy#the ravening war
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i must say. mr simm obviously makes every scene he’s in very fun and delightful. but. idk. this does not feel quite like my cat from end of time. there’s a weird sorta disconnect here. i guess to emphasize how different missy is from him?
#there are moments where im like oh yeah thats him and then other moments where im like. :/ would he fucking say that.#im Not talking about him being a bitch. that is him. he would absolutely be mean to bill for being cybermanned.#but. idk. how to explain it.#does anyone else get this vibe or am i completely alone here maybe im just. eh.#you know maybe it is that they ditched the drums? because that was Such a thing for his character it was an underlying motivator the entire#time. and i mean you really had a chance i think to do something post-end of time with them because what do you do when the thing tormenting#you served its purpose. failed. and you still have to live with it.#but yeah i guess we don’t have to do that. or think about why he went off to gallifrey in end of time the last time the doctor saw him.#i guess we don’t have to. make him really react to the doctor the way he did before. that’s fine. i’m. it’s fine. he’s too busy having gay#sex with himself its fine.#dw lb#dw 10x12
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i don’t think i can ever be really close to anyone
#im so#ugh i cant stand myself#i think im way too attached to my family and i cant imagine ever getting that close to someone else#i just feel weird around people and i wish i didnt#and im not very aocial and i know that my friends hate it#and maybe its partly because im a twin and im not used to being without her#and now we’re growing up and i’m not with her as much because she’s like idk being normal and doing stuff and im not#i just feel like i cant be alone because i cant do anything#but i want to be alone so i can do stuff without having other people around becuse i liek beign alone and i get tired of people no matter#i cant even write what i feel cuz i dont know#and maybe its just late and i haould be asleep cuz im tired all the time but im alone so i can do stuff but also im alone:/#other people are different than me in a way i don’t understand and idk why but i cant bond with people frfr#and im a very difficult person i know that but i just wish i could get close to people in the way they seem to be with each other#but i just. dont like people#but also i love people and i hate being alone im just kinda private#i just dont get why im not like others😭#why am i different than everyone else
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My brain has gone back and forth on between which anime if arma or new is my favorite. Cause even with all its issues Arma means a lot to me, it’s the reason I got into getter and helped me through one of the worst times of my life- But then new is objectively better written and it drives me nuts compared to arma it’s not talked about ENOUGH despite all the stuff you can poke at from it’s plot and I’m trying to pinpoint that reason since the general consensus is “no one hates new and it gets a lot of fanart in the Japanese community yet it’s never deeply acknowledged so it feels unpopular”
So my standpoint is “do I keep investing into the popular iteration despite its issues or do I invested into the less flawed unpopular iteration when it comes to introducing getter to new people?” cause man as much as I’m a critical person of media I still can forgive some messy writing if I have a good time with it and can clearly tell the staff had fun making it, which is definitely armas case. (Though they absolutely had fun with new too)
#meg text#getter robo#this general philosophy I have is why im not harshly critical on SVN next to “I think it fulfills it’s purpose”#and a few other mechas I’ve seen but not gonna tag because I don’t wanna put them in their tag when this is just getter#I was tempted to make a post asking about what people don’t find appealing about new but it be on twit and blegh#I’d ask it here and if anyone has input feel FREE to put but my following is way to small to generate the feedback I want#but on Twitter people are dumb and I’m not taking the “new has bad animation” take any longer bc it’s cherry picked#next to “we all know this is better animation then arc LOL” even if that whole debate as stupid#but past that point I’m trying to understand what people don’t like to find new unappealing when it’s flaws aren’t turn offs#like Musashibo not having a proper character arc and the villains not being consistent is a big one but doesn’t make the show bad#especially because there’s still good from those issues being Musashibo still a fun character and the villains don’t ruin the pacing#you could maybe make the argument new starts off slow but also all of the introduction episodes are engaging??#there’s not a single thing about new-let alone getter when it’s paced right-that feels sluggish#Also for a 13 ep show picking up in the middle makes the MOST sense in comparison to a longer ep series#the middle is when shit hits the fan tbh#im gonna be at war until I hear someone’s in depth opinion but I just WANNA figure out what turns off people from new#cause when I also watched it in a group I had irls drop out of it midway through but I could chalk it up to they weren’t huge on mecha#Even if I argue new is the PERFECT mecha show to recommend to someone who’s skeptical of the genre but I digress
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#fuck i can literally feel my heart breaking#ive been alone my whole life but i feel really alone in the world rn#he really came in when everything fell apart and now ive lost him too#im so sick of having no value to people when i was convinced i did#ive always refused to let bad experiences define me and become cold and closed off#but maybe that’s what you need to be#and i don’t know how to do that#how can you go from talking to someone all day everyday for months to saying hey i think we should completely stop#pls don’t reply to this i just need to get it out
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i seriously need more narumi and mina moments because just imagine the relief mina felt when narumi joined, similar age to her and was also considered a prodigy in the force.
to have someone to share the burden of the defence force’s future with must’ve felt so freeing. because before he joined it was just her, age 18, being told that she was going to change kaiju extermination with her exceptional synergy with firearms. and she was so, so scared.
narumi doesn’t have the kind of skills or talent for long range combat like she does, but he’s also a top candidate (despite his behavioural issues- which aren’t much of a hinderance anyway) and mina doesn’t have to carry the burden of the future alone anymore
(although she’d never admit, given she probably views narumi as someone completely shocking i just think it’s so funny how she stood there like O_O when she first saw him)
like i LOVE seeing the contrast. mina who was sent onto the battlefield for the first time and was deathly afraid vs narumi who was sent out and immediately took action because that’s how he always lived (fighting)
and now they’re the top two strongest captains in the force and they will be the ones to lead the new generation..
#egg boils#IM SOOO BONKERS SORRY THEYRE MY FAVES I WANT THME TO HAVE AN IMPACT ON ESCH ORHEF SO FUCKING BAD.#consider this: narumi teaches mina to be less serious. to stop holding onto the burden of others and her team mates and Fight because she#wants to. hold onto ur weapon clench ur teeth because you WANT to be here and protect lives and not because You feel like you have to ashir#and mina teaches him abt team work and yes you can work along but And maybe having to consider ur team members IS burdensome for u but isnt#it nice to have someone watch ur back? for someone to Help you narumi#please please show me how they’ve influenced each other I KNOW DAMN WELL THEY HAVE. I INOW IT. matsumoto please.#i will never be over mina and how genuinely AFRAID she was#ashiro mina my absolute beloved#narumi tells mina to stop being so freaked out all the damn time because you have your team mates don’t you?! always talking my ear off abo#about team work but you can’t even trust your own comrades?!#mina tells narumi that HE keeps acting recklessly because he doesn’t trust his team mates either!!! they’re perfectly capable too#ohhhhh i’m sick im sick i want mina to knock some sense into narumi and vice versa i want them to be the reason they trust their units to#SUCH a degree now. i want them to be the reason why they stand for their men so strongly (narumi immediately pouncing on no.9 when he showe#kikoru isao’s face. mina’s anger and appreciation when her unit stood their ground against no10.#mina#narumi#kaiju no.8#they’re my top two of course i’m making this shit up. i need it so bad bside please please please#i know she grit her teeth and got used to be alone when she subjugates from the roof top but CONSIDER narumi the delinquent but extremely#capable recruit being the one to show her how to live less in fear#i need a tag for them#don’t be stupid#okay that’s it that’s my tag#kn8 spoilers#sorry again. tagging for myself
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was talking to my butch last night about feelings and self perception and it’s weird that ppl see me as kind. not nice, but kind
#I think im a dick and a bad person and think ppl should leave me alone#but I can’t help but make friends or talk to ppl#in public for some reason ppl tend to like. go to me and feel safe asking me for help and stuff#or just start a random conversation with me#im not upset by it#I just wonder why#im pretty low empathy but I have very high emotional awareness#of both my emotions and other ppl so sometimes I can just#say what needs to be said#I always thought it was a gross and bad aspect#of my personality but Chevy thinks that that’s being truly kind#idk if u can make someone else’s day better for no cost and no real reason except you can#why not? It’s not being nice it’s just being a person#just because I don’t feel super duper connected to be ppl doesn’t mean I don’t like seeing ppls faces light up when I notice something#or do something nice m#like. idk it’s weird I thought I was like manipulative and shit#but I think that’s just? Being an okay person????#idk I always think im evil and fucked up but ppl keep telling me im kind and tjoughtful and shit#My self perception doesn’t match up to real life#or maybe I just know myself better than everyone and I AM manipulating everyone so good that I manipulated myself too
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what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets
#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck#the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy#cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it#so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled#i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like#i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is#it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS#and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like#that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts#that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of#the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED??#and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way#i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps#and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all#ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine#i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be#missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine#and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something#unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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2023 reads // twitter thread
This Doesn’t Mean Anything
NA contemporary romance about a sex-repulsed girl starting uni and meeting an upperclassman who hangs out in the same study room and coffeeshop as she does
struggling with her asexuality, new friendships, and harassment
#This Doesn’t Mean Anything#aroaessidhe 2023 reads#well.#I was overall enjoying the first half of this! then it went to shit lol#for one. WAY TOO LONG. but also feels like scenes would be very short then skip to the next day#I liked how the first half of the book was just developing the relationship as a friendship.#there’s a conflict at 50% and they literally are terrible to each other for almost the entire rest of the book#also the conflict of why they can’t get together feels manufacured.#he feels like he (21) is too old for her (18) and while i’m like…yeah I understand that im iffy about it too;#as the reader we know they’re going to get together anyway. so it just feels stupid. and made that way just to cause a conflict. which lasts#too long.#2)#then men are SO overprotective to the point it’s kinda. not creepy exactly but like why the fuck can none of these women go anywhere without#a dude accompanying them? the MMC even. when she tells him to leave her alone (because he rejected her) he’s still being all protective and#and calling her sweetheart like I started to actively dislike him. it’s like. borderline manipulative ‘nice guy’#THEN it threw in a SA at 80% or whatever which. a) can we not SA our ace characters and b) is just not handled well. it feels like an excuse#to make them hurt/comfort and then get together aka end their conflict. which. oof.#3)#‘i was looking up why i dont want sex and i saw the word asexuality but couldn’t find much else maybe the GSA could help’#you can’t use info-not-on-the-internet as a plot excuse when. there is endless info about that on the internet? I don’t think this is set in#2005? also she doesnt even go ask the gsa#while her sex repulsion is a significant part of the book actual references to asexuality are extremely brief and half of it is shoved into#the last chapters. and it’s almost entirely her being self hating and the LI affirming her#anyway I can see the INTENTION is good here; the quality of writing just makes it all bad#like maybe these things are the author's experience and that's fine. the way it's written is uncomfortable.#i can tell all the 5* reviews are people who have never read an ace book before. i promise there is better#i think there’s gonna be a companion sequel about her roommate being aroace which. I don’t have super high hopes for writing-wise but I gues#guess I'm interested
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finally having time to myself since 3pm yesterday (it’s 11pm rn) and i want to stay up and relax and watch stuff so i can have a nice time by myself before having to work tomorrow but i am EXHAUSTED and also want to sleep so bad😭😭😭
#i worked yesterday 8-2 and then was with friends and slept at their house and i got maybe ???? 3 hours of sleep lastnight bc of that and#THEN i had to work 8-2 AGAIN today and i got home and got picked back up by the same friends to do something and now i’m finally home and#stuff but i just don’t know what my best option is (i know i should sleep actually and get as much sleep as possible but shhhh)#i guess. i will sleep tho actually bc i can’t even concentrate on the video i was trying to watch. 20 minutes in and i have NO idea what#is happening so yeah i’ll take that as a cue to sleep#thanks for helping me decide what to do guys’#!* not ‘#ugh i don’t wanna work tomorrow i have an 8 hour shift and i don’t wanna do it 😭😭😭#saturdays are the worst bc i have to be alone all day and it drives me insane when i get a million customers that are regulars who know only#one person works at a time on saturdays like use common sense and also get fucked for being annoying i hate you all!!!!!! GRRRRR BITE BITE#ok no fr i’m going to sleeep now ok#OH WAIT ONE TINY THING I WAS DOING A TRIVIA GAME EITH MY FRIENDS TONIGHT AND THERE WAS A D&D QUESTION THAT I GOT FULLY CORRECT BC IVE BEEN#WATCHING LEGENDS OF AVANTRIS!!!!! IM SO HAPPY ABOUT IT LOL MY FRIENDS ALL DIDNT KNOW AND I WAS LIKE >:)))) BACK AWAY
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^ she was forced to finally make a worldbuilding decision in order to do any further worldbuilding
#im planning a glimmer hearts campaign for some friends#but like. I have to kind of decide the Lore of the powers#how people got picked how rare they are how secret the whole deal is#how they originate how long have they been a Thing#etc etc#mainly I’m just. between ideas and have I to pick ONE to continue any further but I’m. o(-(#bc I want it to be part intrigue on how they were picked#but I don’t even have solidly like. their Power Origin story? bc even if it varies slightly between PCs they have to still Relate#and I don’t want a 100% secret society deal so like. no magical girl government#I just. Hough.#hm. maybe. session 1 something happens but the monster can Only be seen by magicals?#which pulls the group together bc they all React; they can meet the mentor npc there also in super form#and like. have it be this is a Thing that happens and a secret world and they don’t know WHY there’s so many new heroes let alone at once#and yadda yadda intrigue bc it’s usually like a. 3-4 heroes a town deal. and now somehow the number has Doubled#(and will likely still increase not that they’d know fjskdn)#hm okay yeah that at least solves some part of it#now just like. how they Individually found their powers before that. and then yknow. The Intrigue.#og post#personal
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Why does instagram keep giving me videos about grandparents like does it want me to fall on the floor sobbing today
#they're all gone! none left now#idk what happened this week but i've been trying SO hard not to think about my nana at all#it’s just a constant don't think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it#i did have a really violent nightmare about her the other night. that fucked me up...#maybe it's because i talked to my mom and she mentioned her for a minute. neither of us know how to talk about it.#i literally can't even think about it i'll start crying.#should visit my partner's nonna and nonno... but i will cry. still we need to see nonno because he's very unwell.#i can't fucking believe i found out my nana died and then immediately went to class.#mentioned it to my professor and the whole class gasped and asked if i was okay or if i needed to leave.#but if i didn't go to class then i would have just been home alone...#crying in front of my favourite prof a few days later was... yikes. but it was okay. she felt like a grandma to all of us#she was sincerely sorry. esp because that class was called 'women and aging'#she spend the entire year telling us to ask the older women in our families their stories#and now i have none left. didn’t get to ask.#i don't know why i didn't call when i wanted to#i can't think about it#glad my mom told me that she feels totally disconnected to family too. bc lately ive felt very alone.#like my nana getting sick and dying brought them together but only for a short while.#feels like we have no extended family and it's fucking me up a lot. im just glad im not the only one
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listened to three episodes of mabel (the podcast) yesterday. SO good, holy shit. i’ve been meaning to listen for years and i get it immediately. just the first episode was so good. turns out i’m not actually that hard to get into podcasts i just haven’t been finding the right ones…
#i KNOW wtnv is meant to be good. i know i know i know. and the vibes are on peak!! i loooove the energy!!’#But nothing happens. bro. nothing fucking happens. not yet at least#im sorryyyy i need stuff to grip me!!! i enjoy wtnv when i listen to it but i can never listen consistently bc i never ever find myself#wanting to know what happens next#i mean sure i’m only a couple episodes in#but#is the whole show like this?? or does it get more….. plotty? character driven?#it’s got such a huge fan base on here but then again this is the site that can turn anytning into a fan base#same applies for. like. the penumbra podcast. idk i think i tried to start it and i was just like… don’t care. sorry#i have such an I don’t care. issue with media in general. i don’t tend to watch tv alone because i WILL just switch it off. i gotta pick#something and CHOOSE ok i am watching this for the next few weeks! and then set designated times to watch it with my siblings#its just like mehhhh. idk. im picky and i can take mediocrity and find gold in it but i have to be submerged in the mediocrity for that to#happen#but like anyway. wolf 359 is one of my favourite things ever and i thought it was funny and a cool concept at first but it probably would’ve#ended up like every other podcast if i hadn’t told my brother about it and he hasn’t immediately binged the first season#told me it was fucking amazing#and therefore motivated me to speed through until i got to the endish of s1 and went Oh yeah this is some GOOD SHIT.#so maybe i just gotta do that with more stuff???#but anyway. mabel is reaaalllly good#mabel podcast#oliver talks
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ok. it’s over. and i am alone in the world 🤑🤸🏻♀️
#purrs#despair literal despair. it was actually a very good session too like maybe the best one we ever had probably bc he was on his best#behavior 🙄 we talked about redacted like the whole time and barely about me leaving so i didn’t have an opportunity to tell him he sucks or#to not tell him he sucks and now i feel like an idiot for doing this bc he didn’t suck in that session just now. and i want to cry and cry#bc of how good that was but yet how mad i was a few hours ago and how now i just cut myself off from the counseling place ive been going to#for like 5 years and i actually do not want to take a break from counseling i NEED to be in therapy so genuinely and i don’t know where to g#go that i can afford and that will be local etc etc. and now im alone and i cut myself off from the place and the years of notes and#analysis they have on me. i almost wish it had gone badly so that i wouldn’t feel so regretful rn bc oh my god how am i gonna go without#counseling like….. AUGH. iwshould email him and ask for a referral maybe. does anyone know if that’s ok to do <- could so easily google it#im so sad. like so so so sad. i knew when i stopped being angry i’d feel sad and hurt and like. omgggggg. this is terrible. what have i done
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I rly should change my phone number
#my family keeps trying to contact me and . idk.#sad as it is and maybe its pathetic as fuck but i like setting fire to bridges#it just makes me feel like shit and guilty that my brothers are trying so hard to keep in touch#and i just dont want to#its not their fault its not their fault its my fucking parents#but i cant stomach meeting them anymore or talking to them its a me issue its my pride or my guilt or both in one nasty knot#this is my own making. i could take their outstretched hands.#but i cant and i dont know why and and im disturbed and upset over the concept of them trying so hard when ive never returned the favour#because im a horrible person they don’t deserve this stress#and they should leave me alone.#everyone would be happier if they forgot me within my family that is#im sorry and thanks for trying to love me but i guess i havent loved my family back in a long time and it makes me feel so fucking awful#like why? youre my family. like my brothers are cool theyre so nice and theyre understanding they accept me#and yet. im a fucking idk idk idk like. i just cant take it.#thats all#:(((#my brothers say they love me and i believe them#but I genuinely i hate that i feel this way but i dont care about them the same way they care about me#its so self centered and shit. and i dont know why i feel this way.#like theres nothing we have left#and its because of me#delete later#sorry for ranting on christmas lmfao#im feeling a lot of shit feelings that all self inflicted#im sorry but i know i dont mean it.#because i have no feelings other than resentment and an ugly bitterness
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