#I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dmercer91 · 6 months

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ebug's sister, dm91

ok, first post where blake is blake!! also, excuse the absolute dumpster fire that is my life, and is the reason that this post is one post and not like 47

last season! (2022-23) part one / part two / part three / part four / part five / part six / part seven / part eight / part nine / part ten / part eleven / part twelve

(2023-24)! part one /

blakefriarr_

liked by dawson1417, adamfantilli and 6,947 others

blakefriarr_: so many things have happened since i last popped up on all your timelines and made them immeasurably better!

this is episode one of season two of i-am-both-the sister-of-the-devils-home-emergency-backup-goaltender-and-also-happen-to-be dating-dawson-mercer-forward-for-the-devils series!

these pictures are in no particular order, because, i am moving into a new place with afore mentioned dawson mercer and have spent the last several weeks making it look like it's not the most depressing back alley murderous apartment any of you have ever laid your eyes on

and apparently, i have a ball ton of stuff!

regardless, here's what i've caught up on;

the entire nhl draft! though i have not acquired any new adoptees, it did come to my attention that the anaheim ducks as an organization did personally victimize me during the 2023 entry draft (they also took a BALLSY amount of time to re-sign bitch one and bitch two. what the literal fuck, dudes). also- if you are seeing this and you need help to flee, blink twice (not you adam) (you know who you are)

2, the entire preseason was also missed while i was one, curing myself from jetlag and the absolute dread of going back to uni and two, moving my egregious amount of shit with a spiteful level of independence. the devils won every preseason game! dawson scored that clusterfuck of a goal on slide two and we also got to see goalie bonks again! (i told you those pics weren't in order and i meant it)

three, (or four, i forgot what came first) quinneth played his first regular season game as captain of the canucks ad they kicked ass against the edmonton dudes. goncrats captain ;p

four (probably) rookie had both his first reg season nhl game AND his birth on the same day! he cried on camera for thousands of viewers and made me question kidnapping his brother and locking him in an abandoned building in ohio (who am i kidding i don't want to be in ohio). the blue jackets have since been doing blue jacket things (losing)

five (it's all blended together these days) the devs started their regular season and now i get to go to the arena and watch in peace as nico makes dumb faces, jack gets into petty scrums and goes to the box (apparently? that ones new.) and dawson does dawson things (be hot)

sixth and finally, assistant coach and captain quinn (he should probably drop a title for his mental health, me thinks) turned 24! i giggled profusely at an edit of him as tracksuit rob. good job on aging, kid 🎉

that's all, i think. (probably not, what do i know)

view 712 comments..

jj.friar31: remember when we were roomies??? siblings defying the odds?? i've been left out to dry. i'm MARINATING in my loneliness. you've basically shot me and left me out for dead, blakey.

→ blakefriarr_: this is a touch dramatic, that's MY thing

→ jj.friar31: if i agree to never steal your dramatics again will you come back

→ blakefriarr_: have u seen how pretty my boyfriend is?? no dude

→ jj.friar31: blake pls

adamfantilli: of every picture you could've used you just decided to screenshot me crying

→ blakefriarr_: hi im blake have we met??

→ adamfantilli: also, do not kidnap luca.

→ blakefriarr_: oh so you just don't want my love?? is that what this is??

→ luca.fantilli: do not kidnap me

→ blakefriarr_: BOOORRRINNNGGGGG

nicohischier: every day i wonder what it would be like if we didn't let the ebug's come into the room

→ blakefriarr_: do you want dawson to be lonely and bitchless

→ nicohischer: yeah kinda??

→ blakefriarr_: oh

jackhughes: why.

→ blakefriarr_ ehehehe your bucket doing weird things

_quinnhughes: ??????? why am i tracksuit rob????

→ blakefriarr_: who else would be tracksuit rob

→ _quinnhughes: nobody needs to be tracksuit rob, friar.

→ _blakefriarr_: WRONG! you do :)

_connorbedard: am i who i are???

→ blakefriarr_: no apparently you are timbaland

→ _connorbedard: oh. okay?

→ adamfantilli: @/_connorbedard you get used to it

→ _connorbedard: do i want to??

→ adamfantilli: eh. 50/50

dawson1417: oh how i've missed the chaos

→ blakefriarr_: fbejdbsjshdghshsb

→ dawson1417: sometimes it's almost like you say words

→ blakefriarr_: :p i love you

→ dawson1417: i love you too, my girl <3

tannercharlotte: this is my reality tv

→ blakefriarr_: i'll leave him for u say the word

→ dawson1417: HEY??

→ blakefriarr_: shhhh baby go sleep

→ tannercharlotte: don't leave him b he doesn't have to know

ryangraves27: she back

→ blakefriarr_: i back!!

nhlblackhawks: ??

→ njdevils: don't '??' her she's right

→ blakefriarr_: thank you (trade for charlie)

→ nyrangers: i can excuse hawks slander but i draw the line at trying to take our char

→ nhlblackhawks: you can excuse hawks slander?

→ jj.friar31: why do teams keep doing this you have ENOUGH leverage over me

trevorzegras: am i bitch one or bitch two

→ trevorzegras: actually yk what don't answer that i don't wanna know

→ blakefriarr_: too bad you're actually both jamie is an angel

view more comments..

#ebug’s sister series !#dawson mercer #dawson mercer x reader #hockey imagine #nhl imagine #new jersey devils

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navstuffs · 9 months

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Creep

Pairing: Vendetta!Leon Kennedy x GN!Reader

Summary: "You are so fucking special. I wish I was special"'; because sometimes love isn't enough.

Warning Tags: MAJOR ANGST!!!, italics represent the past, suicide attempt!!, alcoholism, mention of a suicide note, hurt/no comfort, OPEN ENDING (you chose your own), depression, anxiety, reader needs love, LEON NEEDS LOVE!, leon self depreciates a lot.

Author's Notes: hiii! i had this idea in my head for a while, and the request helped it! this fic is heavily based on creep by radiohead and black by pearl jam and, i hope with all my soul i did justice. i hope you enjoy your reading!

taglist - @nexysworld | my leon's masterlist

As repetitive as one could say, Leon Kennedy is at the bar again. He sits by his usual stool closer to the corner, away from everyone; the one stool bartenders are used to seeing him mostly every Tuesday, Thursday, and sometimes Friday. He orders his regular: a cup of their most potent whiskey. Tonight on duty, Eric, an employee who likes to give special attention to pretty ladies, not rock bottom men like Leon who constantly seek comfort in the bottom of a cup.

Tonight things look different.

Leon looks more miserable than his usual self. An experienced bartender like Eric saw the signs since Leon got in: good bartenders are trained for that. It becomes more evident when Leon Kennedy places a ring before him as he savors his first cup. Eric didn't know Leon was married, not that he should be surprised. An attractive man like that wouldn't stay single for so long. Even if they looked like rock bottom.

"Problems in paradise?" Eric's curiosity speaks loud, or it could also be the fact no lady who looks remotely under thirty is at the bar right now.

Leon gives a sad smirk, the whiskey burning down his throat, bringing that sense of familiarity into his veins. Reaching the high he is searching for will take longer, especially tonight. Leon continues to spin the ring on his index finger as he answers, his eyes never lifting up.

"Yeap."

-x-

Accepting a date with you was Leon's first mistake. He really should have said no that rainy afternoon but couldn't(or didn't want to) due to the hope in your eyes, the rain falling around you making it even more ethereal than ever. For more than he didn't want to admit, Leon somewhat had a crush since the first time you two met. You were a scientist, someone who worked in the same line of the field as him, studying and helping in combat against Bioterrorism. You weren't just any scientist, though. No, you had been studying a cure for the new L-Virus for almost your whole academic career, making that your Ph.D. You were the maximum authority in the area, and if there was anyone who could help with the next outbreak and save humanity, that one would be you.

Leon knew you were just too perfect for him, but he still chose to continue anyway.

He continued after your first kiss, somewhat timid on both sides in front of your doorstep. And by the fourth date, when you invited Leon in, he should have said "no" and should have ended before it could hurt, but he chose to continue anyway. It took three months for you to move in. It was Leon's idea since your work schedule, you could barely see each other, so this would be easier anyway. He also had a bigger house. Your personal touches soon infiltrated his house, warming up his heart even more (he wasn't alone anymore, and it scared him) like the pictures of you two together on various occasions hanging on the walls and numerous, numerous paper works of studies splattered across the house. You were messy, messier than him, but you could always find yourself in the middle of your mess and his, not by organizing but by always finding what was being searched for.

It was one of the main reasons he admired you so much. Maybe you could be the light that he wanted.

And for a while, you were. Seeing you add the Kennedy to your last name filled Leon's heart with love, pride, and certainty that you were his. No one else's. And the first few years, as everyone says, were pure honeymoon bliss. For Leon, at least. Not that they weren't for you, they were, but you started noticing the minor signs as soon as you moved in: Leon never even drank that much during your dinner dates or even every single night. There was no reason to worry that much, he never got highly drunk, as the other alcoholic member of your family.

It was always "It is just to relax" or "Don't worry, it is not every day." He never got violent with you or hurt you, so it should be fine. Right?

-x-

Eric's eyes are attracted to the glass sound of Leon slamming against the bar. The ring is still on the table, and Leon doesn't seem wasted yet, but he never really does. Eric brings the bottle, his trained eyes scanning Leon when Creep by Radiohead starts playing in the bar. Leon seems to snicker, playing with his cup as Eric stands before him.

"You getting close to your limit. Are you driving?"

"Why? Is that your business?" Leon's words are coming out slurred, but he keeps his focus on Eric. Eric lifts his eyebrows as if that was the obvious answer. "I never caused an accident all my years coming here. Do I look like I am about to do something stupid now?"

Eric seems to ponder momentarily before turning the liquid on his cup. This would be Leon Kennedy's last cup, he thinks. Eric turns to leave and attend to other guests, but he stops in his tracks, looking at Leon as he says, louder than the music.

"We never know when any of you are about to do something stupid."

Leon watches as Eric leaves, an undisguisable expression on his face, his lips in a thin line, without replying back.

-x-

You could have blamed how intense your studies were for not noticing Leon's decline, but even someone with half a brain could have noticed at this point. The fact he tried to hide from you after he was hungover. Was it your fault for not realizing Leon drank so much or the choice to not see how much he did before marrying him? Or was it just your crazy schedule that didn't let you stay home to be a good partner? With all your study and knowledge, you didn't see your husband falling apart right in front of your eyes.

It didn't matter, anyway. Finding Leon in front of your house the Wednesday morning before you went to work, his passed-out form at the entrance told you everything you needed to know: Leon had once again not slept in bed.

"We have to talk," You texted him when you got to work. You were late that morning, having to help bring a semi-conscious inside the house and leave him in your bed. He never really answered your texts, not that you expected. He tried to avoid having any type of conversation about it, running away in any way he could find.

When you got home, he was sitting by the couch, at least clean, the beard growing. Leon was lucky, you thought as you sat in front of him, with his beard never growing too much with a few spiky hairs. His eyes never meet yours as you start speaking, explaining you were worried about him, that the amount of alcohol was just too much. You apologize for not realizing that before and Leon's lips do a "Tsk." It is not your responsibility, Leon knew it. He was responsible for his own actions and didn't need your apology. He actually didn't know exactly what he needed, except something to silence the big void inside him. It is not your purpose to be everything to him, and Leon acknowledges that now.

"We can find someone to help you, I am sure, Leon."

"I am fine." He wasn't. He knew. He knew you knew. You gulped, trying to touch his arm, but Leon flinched away, too sick with himself with the look you were giving him. Is it pity? Is it disgust? Love?

"You can't be serious." You whisper. Oh, it is disappointment, then.

"I am. I am fine, okay?" A lie "-you have no reason to worry about." Another lie "There is nothing to worry about." Liar, liar, liar!

You gulped, looking at your own hands, your brows furrowed. You opened your mouth, then closed it, biting your lips. You don't have to know, something rotten inside Leon voiced. You didn't have to know the nights he passed awake after you fell asleep, the thought he couldn't shut his head, the horrors, the pain, the fact his hand seemed to play with the handle of his gun when he was drinking, oh no, you did not deserve to know none of that. You had much more to worry about than with a depressed and useless bastard like him, like saving humanity.

You didn't give up, of course, after that conversation. You became much more attentive, realizing Leon skipped meals (idiot), Leon never slept through the nights (idiot IDIOT!), and Leon left you in the middle of the night to sit in the darkness to do only the universe knows what. Cry? Wish for something better? You started calling therapists, doctors, and anyone who could help and make appointments for Leon (he never went to any of those). You watched helplessly as your Leon deteriorated, the bag under his eyes worse and worse. Was he losing weight? You told him to get a vacation from the D.S.O, but who was going to protect the world? Fuck the world, you answer, fuck zombies, fuck viruses, you are my world!

No matter how further you tried to bring him out or how hard you tried to pull him up, Leon just fell further and further into the darkness. Leon, on the other hand, was just upset and angry he ever dragged you into this mess he was.

-x-

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life

I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky, but why

Why, why can't it be, oh can't it be mine?"

Damn good old Pearl Jam, Leon thinks. The bar is almost empty at this point, another employee cleaning around the table. Eric gives one final look at the clock: five minutes to close. He sighs, walking toward Leon.

"We will be closing soon, Leon. Time for you to go."

Eric thinks he will argue against it, but Leon gets up, throwing a good amount of cash in the bar. Eric grabs it and asks, a little anxious, already expecting a loud no.

"Do you want me to call a cab?"

Leon doesn't answer, leaving the bar. He isn't driving, actually, no, that would make him arrive home faster. He doesn't care what happens to him until he gets there: maybe for a twisted game of destiny, he gets hit by a car, someone drunker than he is right now. Leon wishes it is him that gets killed, not some innocent bystander. For more drunk than Leon Kennedy is, the memories from earlier night never left his head. Your face never entirely leaves his mind, actually, even when he is highly inebriated: he is doomed no matter what he does, doomed to remember, sleep and dream about you, like a damn high schooler thinking about her crush.

-x-

"What is this?"

Your voice is shaky as you find Leon working on his motorcycle. Leon didn't look up as he asked back.

"What?"

"This, Leon!" Your voice sounded like you had been holding back tears. You sat for a good ten minutes, wondering how to confront Leon about this and if you have reached your limit.

He saw the paper and recognized his handwriting. Leon gets up, cleaning his hands as you shake in front of him, and Leon knew because he has known you for so long, you are holding back your tears, your lips quivering. You look exactly the picture of the six-year-old you. Your big eyes crying because your dad took your favorite teddy bear from you, your arms pleading for the toy back in your mom's arms. The same eyes, Leon realized. He wanted to feel nothing, but it is impossible when the topic is you, so he broke even more.

"Is this...is this what I think it is?"

"No. It is an apology letter. Much different."

"In case of leaving me? In case you are found dead?"

"Both."

You snorted, rolling your eyes. You turned away, but then you turned back, and Leon deep down knew this was it. This was the moment he had been waiting for since you said you said you loved him. This was it, and it was his fault, not yours, and he hoped you knew it.

"We can find you help. Please, Leon."

You were begging, like all the other times. Leon looked down at the note, the I'm sorry I love you written in shaky hand. He still remembered that night.

It had been a terrible night couple of months in the marriage. You were sleeping beside him, eyes closed, a peaceful expression. He could have woken up and asked for help, but he didn't want to worry you. The pressure in his chest was too much for him to bear, and he couldn't bear the pain that he knew so well (his oldest friend), which pierced his soul and irradiated all over his body, especially his heart. Leon couldn't breathe. He gave you one good look, trying to engrave your image on his head because that was the last thing he wanted to envision before he was done.

When he was far away from you, he grabbed his gun first but then the paper. You deserved that much, at least, he knew that. He wrote those words and sat down there in complete darkness, the gun heavy in his hands as he read it repeatedly. Leon Kennedy was no hero. He places the gun on the table, reading his "I am sorry I love you". Images of you sleeping, you moaning his name, whispering, screaming, laughing, mixing with the ones of you finding him the next morning, you screaming, terrified, holding his body, trying to bring him back to life. Leon gave one good deep breath and another, opening his eyes.

He puts the gun back into the drawer. Then he got up and decided to live another day, joining your sleeping form in bed.

He broke away from that memory, smiling in your direction, a sad smile that told you everything you needed to know. He saw your shoulder drop, and you rapidly turned around and started sobbing, muffling with your hand. Leon didn't need to watch you pack your stuff, didn't run to your shared bedroom, asking for you to stay. He had no right. He simply dressed and went to the bar.

Not because he didn't want to fight for you. Leon Kennedy just wasn't worth it for you.

-x-

It is going home that Leon sheds his first tears. You haven't called him wondering where he is, messaged him, and it is better like that. Leon grabs his phone and types a message to see if you blocked him, but he doesn't send it. What right he had anyway? Leon continues walking home, one step after another.

It doesn't matter what he finds at home, Leon Kennedy is doomed anyway.

#leon kennedy #leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy angst #leon kennedy fanfic #leon kennedy fanfics #leon kennedy imagine #leon kennedy imagines #THIS HURT ME SO MUCH #leon s kennedy

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wn1ven · 2 years

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🌷͙֒ ꒱ — 𝗼𝖼𝗲𝗮𝗇

⌗𝗉𝗮𝗋𝗄 𝗃𝗲𝗼𝗇𝗀𝗌𝗲𝗼𝗇𝗀 𝗑 𝖺𝗳𝖺𝖻!𝗋𝗲𝗮𝖽𝗲𝗋

𝗀𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲 :: 𝗮𝗇𝗀𝗌𝗍, 𝗁𝗶𝗀𝗁 𝗌𝖼𝗁𝗼𝗼𝗅 𝖺𝘂

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗂𝗇𝗀𝘀 :: 𝗐𝗁𝗈𝗅𝖾 𝗅𝗈𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝖼𝗎𝗋𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝖼𝗁𝗂𝗅𝖽𝗁𝗈𝗈𝖽 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇��𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝖾𝗇𝖾𝗆𝗂𝖾𝗌 𝗍𝗈 ��𝗍𝗋𝖺𝗇𝗀𝖾𝗋𝗌 (𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝖾𝗑𝗍𝗌 𝗁𝗂𝗆 𝖽𝗎𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝗈!!) 𝗆𝖾𝖺𝗇 𝗃𝖺𝗒, 𝖻𝗎𝗅𝗅𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌 𝗋𝗈𝗌𝖾́ 𝗈𝖿 𝖻𝗅𝖺𝖼𝗄𝗉𝗂𝗇𝗄, 𝖺𝗅𝗌𝗈 𝖽𝖾𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗌𝖾𝖽 𝗋𝗈𝗌𝗂𝖾 :(

𝗮𝗇 :: 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒 𝗆𝗎𝖼𝗁 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝗉𝗂𝗋𝖾𝖽 𝖻𝗒 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗃𝖺𝗉𝖺𝗇𝖾𝗌𝖾 𝗆𝗈𝗏𝗂𝖾 𝗄𝗈𝖾 𝗇𝗈 𝗄𝖺𝗍𝖺𝖼𝗁𝗂 𝖺𝖼𝗍𝗎𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒

𝗇𝗼𝗐 𝗉𝗅𝗮𝗒𝗶𝗇𝗀 :: 𝗆𝗲𝗌𝗌𝗮𝗀𝗲 𝗶𝗇 𝗮 𝖻𝗼𝗍𝗍𝗅𝗲 𝖻𝗒 𝗍𝗮𝗒𝗅𝗼𝗋 𝗌𝗐𝗶𝖿𝗍

##. 📺🖇️📃

[i still remember the day you confessed to me, the day you played the song sung by your own voice, based off the childhood memories of us playing at the beach, feet slightly burning from the friction against the hot sand but the splashes of the water you sent my way every 5 seconds cured it all. oh how i wish it was as simple as that right now too. i laughed away the panging pain hitting right on my heart, grabbing your phone from your hands and throwing it down the hard concrete of the road, throwing whatever nasty remarks i could think of at that moment. and even though it wasnt visible, there was a feeling of guilt inside me that i continued to ignore

you changed after that, fuck you didn't change, i did. we used to be call the picture perfect duo by everyone at belift high? what happened now? well im the fault of what happened to be honest. i did everything i could think of to make your life ridiculous. pulling your hair, falsely accusing you of wrongs, but you never did anything that was against me? why didnt you y/n? why didnt you hurt me back because maybe if you got some of your anger caused by the growing devil on my shoulder then maybe i would have stopped, would have. the only thing you ever payed attention at school was your so called platonic girlfriend park chaeyoung and your studies, your grades significantly went up while mine went down, the opposite of how we once were yet again. fuck yeah i missed tutoring you, but what was i supposed to do? i had already thrown you out of my life, only entering yours when i needed to make it a living hell but you never did the same, because you were an angel, everyone knew that

but everything comes to a line of limit, that i had not so surprisingly crossed, ripping your project when you weren't looking, accusing you of the 'fuck you jay' written on the board when it was me who did that, and then spilling orange juice all into your backpack. all of that shitplay in one day, you were bound to break out of your facade. and you did, you reallly did, but i deserved it, i really did. the words you said that day always make me feel so pathetic. how could have you handled all that bullying from your once childhood friend when i couldnt even handle a few fucking harsh words? but the one that hurt the most was 'i hate you, i wish i knew how much of an attention seeking asshole you are sooner.'

it was all a blur after that, you had stopped coming to school everyday, and your 'wife's' persona changed as well. the once bubbly, nice, joyful and ball of happiness had turned into a quiet sobbing mess, it got so bad to the point she was even sent to the school therapist, but even that didnt help her. nobody knew what was up for the three weeks you disappeared then when you back on monday of the 4th week, everyone knew what was the reason of chaeyoung falling into the traps of depression. i was already trying to come up with how to irritate you more on your first day of school after a whole month, even though i had the urge to hug you and tell you how much i missed you. until the teacher said this,

'good morning students, so before we get into our syllabus for today, there is one unfortunate announcement i want to make. after y/n's parents looked into the amount of bullying and assault y/n has been receiving, they have conversed with their daughter and have mutually agreed on the decision that l/n y/n will no longer attend belift high and will go out of seattle with her cousin to study abroad. today is precisely her last day at this school. i kindly request you all to treat her nicely and give her pays of respect, perhaps also try to protect her incase there's more violent actions towards her today as well. me and your teachers want the best for y/n on her last day, and we hope you all do too. everyone is free to talk to her right now before the bell rings but i request you to go back to your seat if she is clearly uncomfortable, thank you. you can go sit now sweetheart'

the teacher pointed to your seat in the first row, and thats when realisation hit me, we promised to graduate together when we first entered high school and now none of it was happening,

and it was all my fucking fault. i love you y/n, i wish i had said this the first time you confessed, because look at where we are now..i miss you so much -park jeongseong]

jay sighed, rolling up the long letter he had wrote, wiping the hot tears off his face and his jawline, he pushed it inside the glass bottle. he walked towards the ocean, the same one your confession song was about. he looked at the bottle one last time, fresh liquid once again forming in his eyes, the fading away red puffs under them starting to brighten their colour again. he kissed it one time with tears all over his face. bending down and setting it free in the water, hoping one day it would reach to you. yeah, this may be jay's graduation night, but he was spending it alone instead of partying like normal people would, instead he cried out all his sorrows on the sea shore that was now empty, your memories being the only source to fill it up,

but little did he know your condition was the same as you looked through pictures of the beach half of your childhood was spent with your now half hate half love person. all of belift high's 12th year students were graduating today according to chaeyoung, you wanted to unblock his number and send him a congratulations text so bad, and that's what you did. jay's phone buzzed on the other side of the Earth, he going inside his pocket to see who it was and his heart felt like it was clenching itself to the point there would be no oxygen left to keep it beating.

[y/n : chaeyoung told me everyone graduated today, congratulations jay. hope you're doing well ♡︎]

#enhypen imagines #kpop #music #writing #jay #enhypen jay #jay imagines #enhypen angst #kpop imagines #park jeongseong

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lilyclawthorne · 3 years

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Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

#toh #the owl house #owl house #keeping up afearances #keeping up a-fear-ances

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alicec-666 · 3 years

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Okay, so, I did it... I wrote my first creepy story about my oc, and... Oof, damn, I hope, I'm not too late for this yes I am late af I know

Anywaaaay, here it is ^^

Sharing only here, so, please, no reblogging or claiming your ownership on it, okay?

Thank you in advance!

And hope you enjoy :')

The Sarah's Mask (original story, pls, no copyright)

It was today's afternoon when it happened. Judging by the nine years I worked in this mental hospital, I can be certain when yelling you that the work that needed to be done got bigger every month, and most of my coworkers have coped with it as much as they could. We dealt with many troublesome patients during this period, and hardly any cases would be ofof what I could call "extraordinary". Certainly, there were many depressive individuals with an intent of self-harm or suicidal thoughts, or schizophreniacs that associated their world with ours in almost the same way, that is, with visages of silhouettes that weren't there or voices in their heads, you know the drill. Rarely so, but we also got an experience of working with the local criminals, who were on the verge of beginning a genocide on the streets or feeling joy through the sexual acts with other individuals, whether they wanted it or not, and whom we needed to check on mental stability during their process in the court. Not only cases, but the age range of our patients was rather normal too; from the young teenagers to the elderly people, whoever had troubles in their life and wanted to be cured, or were forced to by the judging society, those could join into our therapy whenever they wanted. And today was not an exception.

In the afternoon, while having a break, I was sitting onon the sofa in the rest room together with Michelle and Jim, talking about life and giggling at the fun situations, which we had before the work, similar to the ones of one being late to the job together with a manager, or mistaking a random person for your good acquaintance, you can name any of it. Anyway, it was through the laughter and sipping coffee, when I recall having heard a knock in the door. With a cheerful invite to come in from Michelle, I've seen how the door opened slightly, and behind itself revealed a peeking out face of Lucy, the psychiatrist trainee who has finished her studies over a year ago. Her face was rather worried, but I shook it off at first, knowing that the lady was known to be rather shy with the clinic's staff in general.

- Excuse me for interrupting, but if you don't mind, I would like to ask Mr Owen to come out for a moment, - her voice was trembling, and II noticed how she looked at her feet in embarrassment, but quietly appreciated her efforts of coming herehere by herself, which already made some progress in willingness to cooperate with others instead of always being on her own. Surely, in her 23 years, Lucy was one of the youngest workers here, nonetheless, she was very gifted with a wish to learn and improve.

- I will be just a second, - getting off the sofa and giving an assuring smile to the staring colleagues, I raised up and with a nod came up towards the young trainee and out in the hall, closing the door after myself in the process. Looking the woman up and down, I leaned towards the wall behind me and smiled softly:

- Is anything the matter, Lucy? As far as I'm concerned, you have been assigned with a patient this morning, correct? So, have you found out what is the case there?

- Yes, sir... I mean, no, sir-- I-I mean, - there was a folder in Lucy's arms that I noticed her clenching to every now and then, the folder with a printed surname on it "Junior". It was a patient that I have heard about only the previous evening, when a man from the register said that some odd looking adolescent came up to them and registered for the therapy for this morning, and, after leaving copies of her documents, has left shortly. From what we knew about this patient so far is that it was a female of age 20 with the blue tone coloured hair tied into a long pigtail, purple sports clothes and red shoes. However, what interested me the most from the register guy's description, was that this woman the entire time, through coming up to him and signing up for a meeting, has held an obnoxious foaming mask together with her. Long story short, we accepted her to have a meeting with Lucy, since both of these women were at their last years of forming their identity to the society, and could have something in common. That is why I was truly surprised when Lucy, now sobbing before me, said shakingly, - I... I can't do this, sir! She is not like any patients I needed to deal with before, she scares me.

- She is younger than you by almost four years, Miss Cadavre, - I said in a firm voice with a sigh, - And she is hardly any different from any other patients we had here so far, even though she does have quite... An extraordinary sense of fashion.

- You don't understand, Mr Owen, she is just something I don't think I can cope with, - noticing just now that her eyes kept filling up with tears, the trainee quickly wiped them with her sleeve, and looked at me again, - And it's not only her physical looks, she seems to be so... Unnerving. With her quick change of behavior or her murmuring something about hearing that "annoying voice" in her mind... Not to mention dozing off and talking to herself while I was trying to chat with her.

- I'm pretty sure there is nothing to worry about, my dear. Honestly, it may be nothing as serious as schizophrenia. - I shrugged, being fairly disappointed in the trainee's words, - It would be odd if you missed the classes about this disorder during your studies, Mrs Cadavre.

- I didn't miss any, sir! But I do swear to you, this girl is not like those patients I've dealt with before, - she was shaking at this point, and she was right at some point; as she was a newbie, we didn't want her to deal with any extreme cases yet, so the most of her patients were depressive teenagers or elderly people with the trauma after losing their kids or grandkids in an accident, - I cannot explain it, but I can't work with her one on one in there! So, I was thinking if I could be replaced by someone else

- Absolutely not. Unfortunately, miss Cadavre, you are the only one left among those who have been given tasks with the new wave of patients, since everyone else is busy by now. - I made a small pause, and after seeing how her gaze dropped on the floor again, thought to self for a mokent, after which spoke up again, - If you're so worried, however, I could come to her together with you, as an observer. This way, I will note what your trouble with her may be, and could help you out.

The trainee quickly raised up her head staring at me with her shining gray eyes, which clearly showed the gratitude, after which she nodded with a delight, and a quiet "thank you" came out of her mouth.

After some twelve minutes passing by, both of us came into the room 042, the Lucy's cabinet, which contained of two chairs, a small sofa, a table and some shelbes on the wall where several documents and the trainee's personal belongings took their place. On the sofa or, rather, by it, there was a female in her dirty sports clothes, with a greenish-blue hair and hazel eyes, who was holding an odd black mask in her hands and rubbing it slightly. Even as we came in and Lucy sat down on one of the chairs, the patient was asas if unaware of our existence, being distracted by her own doing, and murmuring some odd sentences, somesome of which I could hear as "I know that you don't like it, but I want it to end once and for all", "We can't be friends anymore, you do understand it, right?", "Please, stop saying such horrible things to me...". Looking down at the worried trainee, then back at the female, I cleared my throat, trying my best to gain the adolescent's attention, and once I did, I peoceeded in greeting her:

- Greetings, you must be Sarah Junior, right? My name is doctor U. N. Owen, and this, - I gestured to Lucy, who gave out her best comforting smile to the patient, - is my colleague and the best therapist, miss Ca--

- I am well acquainted with miss Cadavre, thank you, - glancing at me, the adolescent sat right on the couch this time, putting the mask beside her on the small decoration cushion, and spoke up again, - It was the first thing we did on this meeting before... She ran out of the cabinet for some reason.

Junior looked at the trainee rather apathetically, after which proceeded to stare after me with her cold eyes, as I managed to get myself straight, not turning away from her. In my 47 years lived in this society, I was well aware of how most of the patients here and manipulators in general tended to keep an eye contact with their "prey", trying to break their interlocutor's confidence, and get an upper hand in the conversation. Looking back at Sarah, I continued:

- Right, so... Getting to the main point, miss Cadavre is going to ask you some questions about your life and troubles since you must have come to us for a reason. And, let me tell you, it's very... Appreciated of you to be seeking for cure on your own, especially since not many people can be managed to get to the thera-- Excuse me, but are you listening right now?

- She isn't, sir... - replied Lucy, both me and her staring at Junior who was now looking at the ceiling while hardly blinking, - It's just as I said before, this girl tends to be spacing out from time to time, so I couldn't talk to her normally.

Glancing at the trainee, and then back at Sarah, I noticed how something black begun arising in the air beside the female... The smoke? As it began rising higher, I just then noticed how the mask, lying like before on the cushion, turned it black as its eyes and mouth's holes began glittering with a weird yellow lighting, and I could swear that on the same mask, the mouth hole widened in an awful grin, after which the smoke, as black as was this piece of Sarah's inventory, has slowly spread through the closed cabinet. Unable to sense a thing, except for some odd smell of mixed gas and cotton candy, the only thing I remember is coughing while trying to breathe through the suffocating fumes and seeing how the Sarah's silhouette, beginning to get off the couch as if nothing happened, put the mask on her face, and stared back at me, with an amused laughter tricking out of her lips, and as its volume was increasing, I lost my balance sue to inhaling too much of the smoke and had a hard fall on the floor, falling into slumber.

Since that moment, at least three hours have passed for sure, since now, looking at the clock on my wrist, I can without a doubt remember when I came into this cabinet. Oddly enough, instead of lying on the cold floor as I think I was on before, I found myself on the same couch that Junior once was on. Not only that, but there is a track of almost dried blood on the floor before the Lucy's table... Checking myself on any wounds or bruises, though, not without a relief, I found out that didn't have any savage wounds or, furthermore, any bleeding spots. Miss Cadavre, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. Right now, while writing to you about all of this story, my hands are trembling, as I can't keep my eyes from glancing at the pale lifeless body of this poor trainee. I don't know if that adolescent is still in the clinic now or what she had against Lucy, but one thing is for sure, I shouldn't have been so reckless to let the newbie take this woman in the first place... Especially not after what I found on her desk.

After reading this entire letter from her, it's clear to me that not only has she got a major peek of mental instability, but she is also needed to be secluded from society no matter the costs. This is why, even if I can't do much for you from my current spot now, please, I beg of you, be very wary. And if you ever meet an obnoxious girl in the sports costume with the dyed hair, and the foaming mask - don't come close to her, not under any circumstances. Or the consequences of this encounter may be inevitable.

#creepypasta #crrepypasta oc #sarah junior #creepy story #I'm learning to write #hope you enjoy #pls don't copy #I tried my best here #honest #my writing #alicec 666

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purplerose244 · 6 years

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FINALLY, THOUGHTS ON EPISODE 94!!!!

SPOILERS!!!!

Did I say last episode my skin was clear, my depression was cured and the world was beautiful? Good... BECAUSE NOW IT REALLY IS!!!! I FREAKING LOVED IT, I FEEL SO PEACEFUL RIGHT NOW!!!! 😁😁😁😁

Okay, first of all, group hug happened

Kai is hard to spot, but it happened and to be honest, at that part I was already "This is enough for me, episode. I don't even care if the rest sucks 😛"

Didn't happen though 😉

Can I just say how I deeply appreciate the fact that, not only we actual get DRAGON FIGHTING (while they usually are just a ride), but all the characters are being active?? I thought for a moment Nya was going to be out of it, but then SURPRISE!! 💦💦 The elemental masters were like "Ninja back? NINJA GO!!!" 😂😂

Yeah, also that Ninja-go from Lloyd made me cry 😢 So beautiful

Jay finally saying what we all always think, why people still live in Ninjago, even after all the mess it went though? 😂😂

Also, son and uncle back to back gave me chills, they are both masters now! Wu finally got fully integrated into the final battle with the Firstborne (who did so great, proud of dragon mom 😙) and did a lot! I'm so happy about it!!

At some point, while the ninja were thinking about how to defeat the Colossi, in my mind I was like "Mm, usually there need to be a crazy act at this point, usually someone does something really heroic or really stup- OH"

Of course 😂😂 It's so him I can't even get mad, but since he's my flame babe I kinda had my heart stopping a couple of times 😥

Then, of course, we have the fight!

It started really hardcore, then slowly drifted in a more philosophical way. I kinda felt like they could've pushed their limits a little more before going there, but I REALLY like the concept!

Fighting against no fighting. Power against balance. What really saddens me is that this kinda of things were noble principles Sensei G used to believe in. He taught the Art of the Silent Fist, that I think Lloyd used pretty freaking well 😄😄

LOOK AT GREEN BABY BACK IN GREEN!!!

I'll miss him with black eyes, but he does look really cool like this 💚💚💚

But then, Garmadon shocked me. I still can hardly believe it, he was talking and I was like "No! Please! It can't be!!!". And yet, he said it. He did it.

...

HE DID A FREAKING "THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU" ON US!!! 😱😱😱

Okay, I'm being silly 😂

Well, the good thing is, it's clearly not over! I mean it was clear it wasn't, I'm just happy it's pretty much official! There's that symbol that Tommy posted a while ago, which has ying yang and Jay and Nya's symbols on it? Hopefully the SDCC will have some answers

But that's for next time

Right now

THEY FINALLY PUT THE FOLD IN THE SHOW!!! BLESS SEASON 9, THIS IS THE FREAKING BEST!!! 😍😍😍😍

The ending, omg, all the ships!

Beautiful, stronger than ever Jaya 💙💙💙

Purest ship with purest robots Pixane 💜💜💜 (why it's not Zaxal? I never even thought about it 😅)

Reunited, sweet hot Kailor 💛💛💛

And of course, everybody's OTP no matter what you ship him with ❤❤❤

This pleases me in so many ways 😂😂 This show is just so good, this finale gave me exactly what I wanted 😆

At the end, the only thing is that Garmy is still bad, still distant from his son, and he's in prison now. I... I'll just rewatch season 3 and 4 with Sensei Garmadon 😢😢😢

Cute thing was also Dareth saving his beloved Gale 😄😄 Happy for him, he did really good in this season! I think a ship has born 😍😍😍

Darele? Galereth? Darehele? Idk 😂

What can I say? This season was simply fantastic. The animations, the soundtracks, the references to older seasons, the plot, the way they treated characters that didn't have much space in the past! One of the best season, I can't really wait what else they have in store!!!

This is it, my friends, last thoughts. Thank you for the notes and the attention! We really made it through the season! Phew, his ending is way happier than the last one 😅😅

This was my last rambling, but I'm gonna publish something soon 😉😉

See ya!! Byee!! 💜

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the-energon-hole · 6 years

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Hey um I know this may sound a little weird but if you didn't mind um I struggle with Suicidal thoughts and Self Harm would you be willing to write Comfort for it with Team Prime? or is it over the line??

((A/N I don’t mind writing things like this- I just want to let you know if you are starring down that hole and you fell like you could walk over that edge, please don’t do t. Get help- I’ve been there so many times, I’ve been a long time sufferer of depression and anxiety that I know what to look for in yourself when things just become to much for me to handle. You are strong, and I believe in you being able to get through the hard times.

These are all derived from real feelings and are all the wrong ways I’ve tried to cope with these feelings. Once I opened up to people they were almost always willing to help me through the times in which my ind is foggy and I can’t see past my own senses. Support is so important, get help if you need it, no one should think less of you for it.))

Optimus Prime

You were a sobbing mess as you stood there practically bare and raw in front of the illustrious leader of the Autobot cause, and arguably, the most important being in the entirety of the universe. He explained how he bore witness to your self destructive behavior over the last few months, and he was growing with an increasing concern about your well being and emotional situation. You broke down right then and there in front of the Prime, sobbing so hard you began to hiccup and practically choke on your own breath- you were not used to someone as important as Optimus giving you attention, let alone confront you about such sensitive and private things.

You were not ungrateful, just genuinely surprised that someone would even take notice.

“Take all the time you need, young one.”

His baritone voice was soothing as you rode out your small breakdown in front of him, as he not once removed his attention from you even though you were certain his time was better spent elsewhere. You sniffed a few times and wiped your now sticky and puffy face on the sleeve of your jacket.

Explaining things to him was hard, just because you have never had someone to confess your pain to so wholly. At first you were in doubt he would understand- he was an all powerful being, why would he care about the suffering of one measly little squishy like you? You were shocked when he took his hand and gently stroked at your dry and sticky cheek with his digit as he explained a similar situation he faced back home on Cybertron- emotional support was important no matter what species you were, and he promised from now on that if you needed a face to vent to that he was more than willing to help yu work out your problems with you. He even said if you couldn’t work out a solution to your problems right way, it’s always nice to just share and talk about what you are going through.

Your heart melted as he opened himself up to you, no one has ever offered it before, and it made you so grateful that someone in this universe actually cared about you. You hugged his hand tightly as you cried a little bit more as you felt yourself unwinding just a little from the knot you had bunched yourself into on the inside of your mind.

Ratchet

As someone in the medical professional field, especially in his line of work and expertise, mental health if probably one of the most important subjects right up there next to making sure one has a safe place to sleep and a good source of energon. He took notice of you sitting alone in the dark in the base all by yourself and decided to investigate to make sure everything was alright- he didn’t want to pry, but he was noticing dangerous signs in you that he has seen all to often in his fellow bots.

You were displaying self destructive behaviors in a way that gave little or no regard to your own life, and it scarred him a little. He even researched human psychology on the internet to see if your behavior was normal or not.It wasn’t.

He confronted you, and all you could do was stare at the floor and whine a little at what felt like an out of nowhere attack on your character. You aggressively explained how things in your life aren’t going so hot right now, and that nothing you do seems to be working and it was just making your whole situation worse. You were surprised when after you basically yelled and screamed at Ratchet, the infamously hot tempered doctor, he just placed a hand on his chin and looked deep in thought.

He wasn’t going to yell back? THrow something at you? Make you want to jump off of a bridge?

“What you are displaying are classic signs of human depression- from my research it is beneficial for me to tell you that you are very valid in what you are experiencing and feeling.”

He told you Cybertronians have a similar illness, and the best way to cure it is with therapy and drugs, but since you didn’t have access to the drugs you needed to fix the chemical imbalance in your brain- well, Ratchet took it upon himself to go out of his way to do little extra things to make you happy, and to also act as your faux counselor until you can find a real qualified one.

You cried when he said that, you never knew this old rusted bucket of bolts could be so kind, maybe you should bare your soul to people more often- most will understand, ad the ones who don’t are not worth your time.

Bumblebee

You sighed as you sat in the middle of the desert, just staring at nothing as you were dissociating, but that was better than the other option as those involved letting your anxiety take over you thoughts with intrusive ideas to hurt yourself so badly you can’t recover from your injuries. It made you sick to think that your brain would show you such things, whisper such things, and insist it was the best thing for you to do.

You didn’t notice Bumblebee sitting next to you, and you didn’t notice the sun begin to dip over the horizon.

He beeped at you with concern.

You did hear that though, and you checked your phone to notice you did in fact lose many hours just sitting here in the dusty dirt staring at the same barrel cactus and you couldn’t help but let a few tears fall from your eyes as you sniffed to try to keep your composure together, Bee doesn’t need to see you like this- no one needs to see you like this. This is your problem and no one else’s problem… Right?

He beeped at you sadly and placed a comforting hand behind your back for you to lean into, and honestly, you were happy he did so because it finally hit you how tired you really were.

“Hey Bee, do you ever get like, you know- thoughts of hurting yourself so frequently that you are afraid you might actually do it?”

He beeped at you with concern as he nodded his head yes- he also did his best to give simple beeps in mores code for you to translate explaining that growing up seeing as much war as he has, it was something he thought about often- his method of dealing with it was talking about it with the other Autobots, and allowing them to distract from those terribly intrusive thoughts until before you know it they are just gone and you never have to worry about them coming back.

It was sound advice, and you sniffed one last time as you smiled when he offered you a ride back to civilization- you two can talk about it more once you get cleaned up from all the dirt and dust that has accumulated over you from sittin gut here alone for s long.

Arcee

Your obsessive pacing and muttering was starting to get on her ast nerve as she was trying to focus on the work she had to do in front of her- and since you and her were the only ones in the base she figured she should let you know your behavior was grating on her last nerve. SHe called your name multiple times in multiple tones, but you were unresponsive as you chewed on your thumb and continued to mutter things she couldn’t quite make out.She knew something was really wrong then.

She tapped you on your shoulder and you let out an unholy scream that rattled her to the very core of her being, and once you were done screaming and panting you began to look around as if you were confused as to where you were and what was going on. You asked her what day it was, how long have you been here, were you even still alive or was this the after life in which you had to experience. Ok, now she gets it, that one question made it all very clear to her.

“You aren’t feeling well, are you?” She asked as you looked up to her with tears in the corners of your eyes.

Oh, everything was horrible, you couldn’t sleep at night because the urge to just thrust yourself upon a knife was just so strong you were afraid you were actually going to do it .You tried so many things to take your mind from your pain, but nothing worked- no video game, movie, or task can make you forget what is troubling you. She stopped you right there as you began to pace and mutter once more, and she was genuinely afraid you might lose control of yourself.

SHe transformed and basically forced you onto her seat- and without any words once you placed the helmet upon your head she took you out for one of the longest drives you have ever been on. It was so soothing to just watch the small town disappear in the horizon as you made your way basically to the next state over just seeing how beautiful the world was- this was the distraction you needed form all the noise.

Once you returned you cried a little as she stood in front of you, quite tired herself as long drives always made her sleepy. She insisted that if you need to talk to come to her right away, and that she was mostly down to drive you in any direction at any time if you ever needed it. Long drives have always helped clear her head, and she was pleased to find out that it can help you clear the fog of anxiety in your mind as well.

Bulkhead

You must have been wailing louder than you thought you were, as you dew the attention of the nearest by Autobot, which happened to be one of the biggest gentle giants you have ever come across. He didn’t ask you what was wrong and he just acted on instinct as he lifted you off the ground and pulled you up to his chest to let you finish crying about whatever was upsetting you. He noticed recently that you were a little more sensitive than usual, always ready to fight with the other kids in the group- it was concerning for him as he didn’t want all fo you to lose your friendship over something that can be fixed.Once you were coherent enough to speak, you told Bulkhead all of the things that plagued your mind. He listened and nodded, giving small responses as he let you vent and speak in hopes that maybe it would help you feel better.

It did. A little.

“I know the feeling, I get like that to sometimes- things seem hopeless and sometimes it feels easier to just think maybe if you weren’t here things could somehow magically get better- but they won’t.”

He explained how being thrusted into a war no one even wanted to fight, it always left a sour taste on his glossa to slay and kill other Cybertronians he would have once happily shared a glass of high grade with. Life’s hard- and he was no psychologist or whatever, but he knows how overwhelming things can get when all of those little things stack up and you can feel yourself become so agitated you are screaming at inanimate objects that can’t respond to your bad behavior.

He suggested talking to Ratchet about it, because he was a good doctor and could help for more things than just those of physical ailments, he also offered to be here if you needed someone to scream at-he can take it. He pounded his chest with his fist in a way that made you laugh while he explained his skin was so thick that nothing you can say will penetrate his armor! It was sweet of him to offer to let you scream at him anytime you are feeling frustratingly destructive, but maybe just having nice quiet talks in enough to make you feel better.

What a big and bulky sweetheart he turned out to be.

(04/28/18)

#Transformers Prime #Optimus Prime #Ratchet #Bumblebee #Arcee #Bulkhead #Long Post #Sensitive #Hurt/Comfort #Drabble

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mental-entries · 3 years

Text

10/18/2021...

Broke off a 5 month relatioship last night....I feel empty inside... genuine numbness...last night i couldn't sleep, and even if i did i was awoken by panic attacks triggered by my abandoment trauma...I threw up so much....I couldn't even eat well today...I slept through my class.. i'm unprepared for my test tomorrow...I just want to disappear...

He was the only one who respected me as a trans man...called me hubby...we shared a lot of interestest...yet his way of managing issues was to argue everything...and not solve the issue itself...like he stood his ground, even when he was completely wrong...like everything i said was a statement up for debate...and now that the rose tinted glasses are gone, i see all that bothered me about him...the way he ate..the way he spoke to his mother...his lazyness towards helping his sister do any chore she asked for a bit of help...How when i straight up told him to not ignore me or that if he could spare a moment of attention and straight up deny me by doign the opposite....the fact he "told me off" before he hung up on me...

I do fault myself as well...though i did warn him that I come with a lot of issues of my own...I did warn him that i didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place...I'm a miserable man...depressed..self loathing...and no amount of love or patience would cure this...and after this i feel as though i lost a large amount of friends.. all i have left is her and her group...even then I just want to disappear...

my plan is back on track...end it all at age 50 or less...depending on important variables..only reason i'm alive now is for my bird...and even then...i feel as lonely as ever...

did I love him or the relationship? I'm not sure...I will miss the good mornings and goodnights...the I love yous and praises...the excitement of me coming over...the sadness of till next time...His warmth....his large embrace...his tender voice...we had a few good times..but this was for the best...we were arguing almost everyday...and even if he came back with sorries and i love yous..."telling me off" was the last straw...His last moments with me was to genuinely hurt me out of anger...

Thank you for reminding me how impossible I am.

-Elliot Lance

#Elliot>Lance #Entry No. 6 #Chatter of the Heartbroken

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autisticawesomeness-archive-blog · 7 years

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Hey, can you explain the difference between autistic grief and neurotypical grief? I tried to look it up, but I didn't get much.

Yeah, you and me both, buddy. The problem is that (to my knowledge) no formal studies have been done on the stubject. It’s an issue that has been largely ignored by the psychology field, for reasons that are beyond me (no, actually, it’s ableism. I know. I just don’t like to acknowledge it).

I’ve found three good articles on the subject:

Autistic Grief is Not Like Neurotypical Grief by Karla Fisher

Navigating Grief and Loss as an Autistic Adult by Lynne Soraya

When Logic Fails: Aspergers and Grief by Sherri Schultz

But those are basically it. I can, however, speak from experience.

Last December, my mom was diagnosed with stage four primary liver cancer, caused by hepititis C. It was terminal, and any treatments she might’ve had wouldn’t have focused on curing her, but rather extending her life. In the end, she chose not to attempt any official cure. She died last week, after a short hospitalization.

The neurotypical grief patterns is governed by the famous Five Stages of Grief, which are:

Denial and Isolation

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Despite their numbered appearance, they can occur in any order. Every site and book on grief will tell you that every single person on planet Earth experiences this pattern.

All articles about autistic grief, as well as my personal experience, will tell you that that’s bullshit.

I’ve seen my mom go through all of these stages, in pretty much that exact order. Anger and Bargaining were the most prominent stages in her. I’ve heard her say things like ‘if only��’ more times than I can count, and I’ve heard her rant and scream at everyone and nothing. But I myself don’t feel like this pattern fits me.

Now, I’m new to this whole ‘grief’ thing, relatively, but I can tell you that Denial and Bargaining definitely aren’t appearing. I see no point in them. As Schultz pointed out in her article, the autistic mind is very logical. I see no point in denying the fact that my mom died when I’ve already paid the funeral expenses, have the decleration of death on my nightstand, and have practically seen her die.

Anger is another one that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around. Who should I be angry at? Why? It’s not like anyone actively tried to murder my mother. All being angry would do is cause problems for myself and others, as well as hurt people’s feelings. I’m not angry over my mom’s death, though I am slightly pissed at my family’s treatment of her while she was still alive, though that’s an emotion that has always been present. My family’s kind of shit.

I do not feel sad, at least, as far as I can tell. I did a bunch of crying when it happened, but that was over after a couple of hours. Since, I’ve only cried once. I feel more flatlined than actively sad or depressed. I do not know if this counts as Depression. Time will tell.

So yeah, autistics will most likely not experience the five stages of grief. Instead, our reaction to grief seems to be based around three things:

Loss of sensory processing abilities.

Loss of executive function/focus.

A need to gather as much information about the situation as possible.

I definitely recognize the first one - this actually started fairly soon after my mom was diagnosed, but has since intensified immensely. Fisher describes her loss of sensory processing abilities in ways that I generally experience under mild stress: the inability to fit visual information together in ways that make sense, the need to shut off all noise, etc.

Right now, my personal biggest problem on this front is an increased sensitivity towards food: I’m a picky eater, but usually not overly so - I slide by relatively easy. However, ever since my mom died, I’ve been incapable of ignoring flavours I don’t actually like. And unfortunately for me, that happens to be all vegtables. And basically everything but pizza, bread, cheese, and occassionally some meat. So as you can tell, my diet’s been going wonderfully.

Loss of executive function is actually my biggest problem right now. My routine has never been particularly strict, mainly because strict routines, while technically beneficial to me, stress me out beyond any reasonable measure.

However, what little routine I’ve had has completely fallen through. I’m typing this at 7:03 AM, after not sleeping in the night. I slept in short bursts from 15:00 to 21:30, unintentionally. I ate breakfast at 13:30, despite having been awake since 10:00, because I couln’t get my ass to the kitchen. I didn’t work through any of the messages I was supposed to, because I couldn’t get myself to turn on my phone.

I haven’t done any housework besides washing my clothes at all since a week, and I only hung out my clothes to dry yesterday, despite putting them in the washing machine on monday. Simply because I couln’t get myself to open the washing machine, pick out the clothes, and hang them to dry.

Loss of focus accompanies this; though maybe that’s the ADHD. Books are my special interest, but I haven’t been able to focus on reading them since January. It’s just completely impossible, and SO frustrating.

I didn’t feel the need to research everything about my mom’s condition, and I don’t feel the need to research anything about death. However, this seems to be a very common reaction among autistics. I do feel the need to control every single aspect of the aftermath, though, like figuring out where I’ll live now, how I’m going to pay rent, etc. I think that wanting to know everything about death and related matters is an attempt to regain control, and in that case, I fit into the pattern pretty neatly. But that’s just a theory.

Aside from those three major pillars, other interesting things in the articles were these:

Fisher recommends that people start a project, preferably one that centers around their special interest, to redirect their attention. I think that this would be a very good idea, as it combats executive dysfuntion and allows you to interact with your SpIn.

Exploring new avenues of your special interest can also be helpful.

Actually, Fisher recommends time spent with your special interest in general. I second this, but I do want to warn people that it’s very easy to slide into hyperfocus and/or escapism when doing this. Be careful.

Schultz notes that she experienced internal turmoil, where her logic argued against her heart. She explained that, while she felt intensely sad, her mind argued that she had no reason to, because she believed her niece to be in heaven now, so why bother feeling sad? Though I do not believe in heaven, this type of internal turmoil is very familiar to me.

Annoyance with other people’s emotions in regards to the death is also very common, and this is definitely something I recognize.

There’s an increased chance of shut- and meltdowns, probably because of the loss of processing abilities and the emotional turmoil.

Other than with neurotypicals, Fisher notes that being alone may help autistic people who are grieving. I second this. If I have to spend one more second with sympathetic friends, I’ll scream.

An autistic person’s focus tends to be more on the practical side of things, rather than on the emotional side.

Soraya noted that she had unexpected bouts of emotion, such as feeling angry when there was nothing to be angry over. To my knowledge, this is pretty typical for people with depression, but it’s not something I often see brought up in combination with grief.

Some things that I personally would like to add:

Over the past few months, but especially the past week, I’ve gained more harmful stims. I’ve always had a problem with picking the skin on my forehead, but lately it’s just been a bloody mess. I’ve also always have had the tendency to bite my hand, but my chewies just broke, and that’s also a much more common reaction now. I’ve also had scratching my arms as a stim, but I never had the intention of actually hurting, but lately it’s been getting more violent. Good thing I hate long nails and my stumps can’t actually do any real damage.

My stims in general have changed. I used to have a fair variety of everything, but now, it’s mostly chew stims and tactical stims (such as tangles).

I do not care for the things my mom left behind. I mean that very literally. I did not care for her corpse, in fact I never went to visit her, or went to her cremation. I have no attatchment to any of her personal things, and seeing her empty bed downstairs is not something I mind or get any negative reactions from. This is something that most neurotypicals don’t understand, so perhaps it’s an autism thing.

I perceive the sympathy that other people give me more as annoying than as genuine help, but I don’t know for sure if that’s an autism thing.

So yeah, that’s what I know now. I hope this helped!

#this is a pretty amount of information for a tumblr post #and a depressingly small amount of information to be everything on the subject #but oh well #ask #death //#tired-punk-demon

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naturezoneunite · 4 years

Text

Elemental Wars Book of Wishes Chapter IV: The Weak Hero

On Monday morning, Kimichi Ishikawa, Sukina Akamine, Anstice Galanos, Samuel and other students head to the auditorium and sat in their seats as Principal Akamine prepare for the news. "Attention students!" " I'm afraid we have bad news." "We don't have free baseball cards?" No." " No sweets on Friday?" "No Mr Turner." "So, no baseball cards?" " Mr. Turner if you ask me anything that doesn't have to do what I'm explaining to every student including you about the bad news, I will give you Saturday Detention, do I make myself clear?" "I'll behave." "As I was saying before I was interrupted by Mr. Turner." Principal Akamine sighed and clears her throat. "I'll get straight to the point with every student here." "The bad news is Mr. Yakamura won't be here for the rest of the week due to suffering the flu, I'm hopeful that he will return next Wednesday."

After Principal Akamine made the morning announcement in the Auditorium, the boys went to Library Class and the girls went to Science Class. After school, Kimichi went to her room to check on Junis. He was in bed still have eye flu. "How are you feeling?" Kimichi said. Junis looked up at Kimichi holding the ice pack on his head in disgust. "Worst, I feel weak and my insides are cold." "I'm so sorry about your condition..." Junis shakes his head as he sits up. "It's not your fault Ishikawa San...I should have took care of my body." "I'll take care of you." "I appreciate your support but you can't." "Why not?" "Because I don't want you to stay home and because of my condition." "B-But..." "I'm sorry, you can go to school without me..." "Okay, I'll go to school tomorrow with the others, goodnight..." Junis lay back down and rested by himself in the room as Kimichi slept with her mother. Tuesday Morning at the gym, Kimichi and other girls went to the gym and ran 10 laps for an hour.

Later after school, Kimichi did her homework late and went to bed early in her mother's room. Wednesday morning at swimming class, the girls swim for the entire period. Later after school, Kimichi and her mother cleaned the houses downtown, saved the pets that was missing, and returned the pets to their rightful owners. After that tough job was done, They went home and went to bed.

Thursday morning, everyone reported to the library because the principal had a quick announcement to make. "Alright class, I'll get right to it." "No Samuel, there aren't any baseball cards, put your hand down!" "Sheesh." "There will be a exam on Monday, make sure you study this weekend." "I don't want to." "You better study or else I will give you detention and call your father." "Okay, Okay, I'll study for the exam this weekend!" "That's what I thought you said." "Anyway, that's all for now, good day." Later after school Kimichi Studied all night long and fell asleep early.

Friday Morning, Mrs. Ishikawa called Principal Akamine for something really important. "You don't mind if my little princess stay home today?" "My star pupil?" "Yes." "I don't mind at all, just remember to pick up her homework 5pm." "Thank you very much, I'll go pick it up right now." "I'll see my star pupil Monday morning, have a good weekend Mrs. Ishikawa." "You too as well Principal Akamine."

Meanwhile, Kimichi wakes Junis up holding the cure to his Flu in her right hand. "Wake up." "What are you doing here?" "Sit up please." "I told you to go to school..." "I'm stay home to take care of you today." "Are you insane!?" "You heard me." "Either you let me help you or be a sick coward all weekend, make a choice." "Your kidding..." "Try me." Junis sighs and took the medicine out of her hand. "H-Hey!" "I'll let you help me, just calm down okay?" "Sorry." "It's okay, help me please, I need your help."

Kimichi smiled and decided to help Junis and took care of him for the entire day, he also drank the medicine that he got from Kimichi. Later at night, Junis asked her to do one more request, to have a short ponytail. She was confused by his request but she had to think about it for a few minutes. She smiled and started and puts his hair in a short ponytail and saw his left eye for the first time but his left eye was closed.

"Uhh, Y-Yakamura Kun." "Yes, Ishikawa San?" "It's something about your left eye." "What about it?" "How come it's closed?" "That's classified." "Huh? Why?" "It's classified because I don't have any memories about my left eye." "I see." Kimichi said as she finished tying his hair in a ponytail. She wrapped his left arm and his right arm with the bandage wrap. "I made chicken soup for you, do you want some chicken soup?" "Yes please." Junis sits up as Kimichi sets the bowl of chicken soup between his legs. He starts drinking his chicken soup for a couple of minutes and passed out asleep in bed. She tucked him in and takes the peach bowl downstairs to the kitchen and washed it along with the other dishes in the sink.

20 minutes later, Kimichi and Junis was sleeping together as Mrs. Ishikawa came in their bedroom and tucked them in. She left their room and went to her room to sleep in her bed.

Saturday Morning 10 at Anstice's five million dollar gym next to the Shanghai Movie Theater where Junis and Kimichi was invited, Junis was confused and asked Anstice a serious question. "Why am I here Anstice?" "I'm getting to that, be patient buddy." Anstice clears his throat and began speaking. "Good morning ladies and gentlemen!" "Good morning Anstice!" "That's the spirit!" "Welcome to my gym!" "First of all, I like your new look Junis Yakamura!" "Thank you." "Second of all, I invited Junis Yakamura to turn him from a weak boy to a man!" "Third of all, Invited Kimichi Ishikawa to help Junis to go beyond his limits, to conquer his fears, to be built for this!" "Any questions before we get started?" "No sir!"

25 minutes later after Anstice give 12 people a tour around the gym including Junis Yakamura and Kimichi Ishikawa, Junis tried to work out but he had doubts of reaching his full potential and he had thoughts of giving up. "Come on you can do it." "I can't do it." "What the hell do you mean you can't do it!? Junis didn't speak and was too depressed to talk about it. "Why can't you do it?" "Because in the past, I was too weak to save my mother,my father, and my brothers." "Be a man!" "Doubting yourself won't get you anywhere!" Junis got mad and was crying. "I know that!" Kimichi was sad and talked to Anstice. "I think that's enough Anstice." "No, it's not enough!" Anstice grabbed Junis by his shirt. "Everyone here working their asses off here, why are you acting like this!?" Junis growls and responded to his question. "Because, it's my fault that the man in my past took everything from me, took everything from me!" "You don't know what I go through!" "I'm just scared of that man." "I'm scared of confronting him." Anstice was surprised and smiled at Junis. "That's the problem, the mysterious man in your past is your fear, we can help you conquer your fears." "Anstice is right, you aren't alone, we are in this together." Kimichi wiped his tears with a clean rag.

30 minutes later, Junis working out using the jump rope, battle rope, treadmill, and barbells on the first day of his training for 10 hours. 2 hours later Junis and Kimichi went home and watched tv, however Junis body was hurting from using Anstice's equipment. He had spicy curry chicken for dinner, he took a late shower and went to bed. Kimchi was studying for Monday's test even though it's Saturday. She's very confident that she will pass the test.

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