I definitely think l've got some long covid effects because ever since having it, food just doesn't taste as good. it's been upsetting, as a very food motivated animal. my taste keeps betraying my appetite. especially with meat D :

anyways. What

Maedhros built up a high pain resistance from Angband; particularly to the burning sensation. Considering how low he thinks of himself, it’s likely he expected the Silmaril to burn him. He didn’t think he was redemptive, he thought I can take it.

Part of why Maedhros acts so viciously is because that’s how life treated him. I can take it if my brothers die. I can take it if I’m damned for eternity. I can take it if everybody thinks I’m a monster.

He’s proud, and he’s suffering. He won’t back down, he will succeed or be martyred.

thinking about rick admitting to only helping with the war because he wanted bp to respect him. and not realising the irony in admitting this and how it loses him that very respect

imagine holding your f/o when they need comfort from their lover (even if they don't make it known and/or try to deny it). they feel safe in your presence and can finally let their walls down and release all of their pent-up emotions while in your embrace.

hey... when's part 6 of that Isekai batfam tfic ? 😞

When I can think through the constant crippling pain I'm in. Hope this helps!

Adventure Time: Fionna and Cake finale spoilers without context

tbh tho i think my art is fugly af LMFAO

🌃

lord help me <- cant see/read/think anything about Carlos without immediately going to think about Charles's equivalent/opposite

being handed a usb stick -> accused of being a pedophile, locking a woman up in your basement, owner of usb stick hung himself, son is a murderer, wife is dead, you end up in jail

scaramouche :(

the intensity of the ache in my heart for him only grows every time i learn something new about him.

he's a product of neglect and you can see how much he tries to compensate for that which he lacked. like, think about it: he was to become the shogun puppet, the god of inazuma; but ei thought he was too sensitive to handle such a monumental task (not that being sensitive is a bad thing but in her mind, she believed that it would hurt him) and decided to put a stop to it alltogether, granting him free will to explore the world, she really thought she was doing him a service, freeing him from her eternity.

now he's to become sumeru's "new god", almost like he's aiming to prove that he is capable of accomplishing what he was discarded for. he's trying to prove that to ei, or rather himself.

there is so much of makoto in pre-fatui scaramouche and thinking about how ei saw her departed sister in her son, she truly wanted to free him from erosion that affects the gods but failed to execute it properly.

granted, ei had her own issues and grievances at the time of his creation and her communication skills are less than stellar if we're being honest, but she still was wrong in what she has done.

what also adds to how misguided he is is the fact that he picked up most of his mannerisms from dottore, not a great choice for a role model if you ask me. but the doctor is undoubtedly a strong character and seeing as scaramouche was already vulnerable after his betrayals its only natural that he would fixate onto someone he sees as strong.

its just a heartbreaking story overall.

it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?

remembered that the other day i was thinking about how like, "jared & alana kind of re/connecting more in college / becoming friends then" ideas sure have a potential complication in "do they talk about tcp ever lol. jared has this secret here" where like yeah maybe the answer is "no not really," at this point post orchard it can be kind of in the past / in stasis, like maybe alana keeps the site up & all but for one thing, well, she's busy with college at the moment & maybe even other things (so many possibilities about what college looks like for alana or jared or whomever. just like in life) and also from her perspective like well jared wasn't ever That involved anyways, even if you harmonized together for two measures in a song like of course alana was focused on evan as the other co president co True Believer / Understander about the ethos of the project anyways, vs that it was fine to have jared in the background possibly, doing tech support. and she could just suppose that, even if she does suspect something Was up about everything, that maybe it's not like jared knew about that or was involved

but anyways i was like "well fuck it, what if she did also suspect jared could've known anything was up about the supposed factual premises around here. and she was mostly fine with that" (which i mean. could be true anyways. alana could sure likewise just have complicated feelings, about things beyond The Absolute Facts Of The Case, as is relevant the entire time re: anyone else. even if yeah it would also bother her. she has her own path right there to sympathizing more easily anyways in like, yeah she Was his lab partner, the facts may not be that moving, but it was still meaningful enough to her as a connection / Theoretical connection like 'well we Could've been friends?' / alana sympathizing with someone Now Never Having The Chance To Know Connor which is also evan's status or anyone else's anyways)

so further anyways i was also just thinking how like, well, there's complications in "jared can't tell the full story b/c a) he & evan are keeping this secret for themselves And each other, just unspoken across time & space & perhaps forever thusly. nbd & b) he can't tell the Full Story to anyone else anyways. goodforyou.mp3....though, see: the Handshake Gay potential element to college alana & jared friendship lol. don't need to give granular details about Realizing Things / Fun Facts of disastrous [all very heterosexual] relationship histories" but also maybe even if he is willing to give any very general acknowledgment to "Was something up with all that, do you think, do you know" type inquiries, it was like well but what if that's actually somewhat / enough of a relief to alana to get further confirmation that yeah there were some extra reasons things fell apart a bit there. Because like, otherwise, from her perspective it's like she was helming this surely noble helpful project with mostly this one other person who then stopped caring or at least responding in the same ways, and then that happened more generally with alana being mostly solo running things and then those things going to shit. where maybe having a hint that yeah, there was some other weird complications going on like problems as fundamental as [this story wasn't quite factually true was it] can be, to her, like nonzero reassurance that She Herself wasn't thee factor who like managed to be on a different page than everyone else after all & also just ruin things in whatever way b/c it was all going great until it sure wasn't

today was the last day of my antivirals and I don't feel any covid symptoms at all. but I do feel very very very tired much like I did for months after my vaccine last november, so. that's just gonna be a thing again.

if you find yourself struggling to bounce back after the acute infection is over, look up the way cfs/me folks use pacing. in general, only aim to do half as much as you think you can to start with, and take breaks the second you notice something feels even a tiny bit not great. pushing yourself will make it worse and should be avoided as much as possible. absolutely use shortcuts, workarounds, assistive tools, and frequent breaks to make tasks more manageable and less demanding. and whether you bounce back after a week or a month or a year or never, the disabled community is here to help.

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