#I deleted tiktok because it was terrible for my mental health | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

storiesofateenager · 1 year

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social media

Beginning

The very very first instance of having social media that I remember was when I was really young, maybe 7-9 years old. I had a tablet, not a phone, but I downloaded Instagram because my friends in school had it (yes, my friends had phones and Instagram in like 3rd grade and yes that is so scary). Anyway, I ended up using my mom's email because I didn't have another one to use and she ended up finding out about it and getting mad at me, so I had to delete it. I didn't dare try it again until I had my own phone.

I finally got my own phone when I was in 6th grade, towards the end of the year. So I was 12. That was when I started being on Instagram and Snapchat. I'm not sure if I was on TikTok (Musical.ly at the time) but if I was, I wasn't using it as much as the others. I definitely used Snapchat a lot more at that time and I posted a lot with my friends and innocent things like that. However, I had no idea the effect it would have on me in the years to come.

Self-Esteem

My self-esteem dramatically dropped. If you read my post about gender, you know I had a half-shave haircut and I dressed very masculine. I also had braces by the time I was in 7th grade. Seeing objectively attractive people on Instagram and Snapchat made me extremely insecure. On top of that, my social life was nothing like the other people in my middle school. People were hanging out with their friends almost every day and doing so many fun things. At that time, I didn't know that those people could dramaticize it and make it seem better than it was, so I just thought I was boring as hell compared to them.

6th grade was absolutely the first time that I truly felt insecure about my physical appearance. There was bullying in person in school, of course. But the bullying and harassing I witnessed online, even when not directed at me, made me such a pessimist. It also honestly made me a terrible person. I thought that was just how people were supposed to be, so I would be mean too. I wouldn't say I was a full-on bully, because I never targeted people in real life or went after specific people publicly on social media, but I would say some mean things about people to my friends and it was not okay. In general, through middle school, social media just deteriorated my mental health and my morals without me even realizing it.

And don't even get me started on being insecure about views/likes. My friends always had more followers and therefore more views and likes and comments on their posts. I wanted so badly to be on that level on Instagram but I never have been. Even now, when I post on Instagram I turn off my public like count so people can't see how many I got.

Friends

I made so many friends because of social media. Being on Snapchat and Instagram I stumbled upon people that lived in other states that were really nice and fun to talk to, but those friendships usually didn't last. The best and worst friendships I made on social media were from the app that no one should ever download: Yubo.

I first downloaded Yubo in 2018 or 2019. I didn't have many friends in school and I heard about Yubo in ads on other social media platforms, so I decided to give it a try. I found a few people that I thought were cool, but again, they didn't last very long. We usually just ended up drifting apart and stopped talking after a few weeks. I also found people that I got into talking stages and relationships with, but I'll talk about that in a separate post.

When 2020 and Covid came around and everyone was in their homes, I started making more meaningful friendships on Yubo. I ended up having a friend group entirely from that app and we would go live on Yubo almost every single day. We had a Snapchat group chat together and would talk nonstop. Even this came to an end within a couple months, though. After that, I met someone while I was livestreaming on Yubo, who would soon become my best friend.

We would text on Snapchat every day, sometimes late into the night. We would go live, just the 2 of us. We would play Minecraft and Fortnite. Our interests would phase in and out as we found new things to do together online and all that. But seriously, she's the best friend I've ever had. She helped me a lot through breakups and personal issues, and I did the same for her. After about a year of being best friends, we actually met up halfway between where we lived. By this point, I was about 15 and she was 17. It was a really fun time even though our moms were there.

She's been my best friend for about 3 years now. We don't talk as often anymore, but we catch up every couple of weeks and still play games sometimes when we have time. We're actually planning to meet up again this summer. She's just an awesome person and I genuinely think we'll be friends forever. So, it's completely possible to make friends through social media who truly have a positive impact on your life.

Education + Misinformation

There's a strange dichotomy of education and misinformation on social media. A lot of people talk about the fake stuff, which is totally reasonable because it is true that a lot of stuff on social media and on the internet in general is fake. Take The Onion for example, which makes satire news articles. Although it is a known fake news site, there are people that genuinely believe the stuff they post, even though it's completely ridiculous.

With that, popular social media platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat don't have good guidelines about posting fake facts and such. And a lot of people take it as it is, believe it, and share/spread it without doing any of their own research. It can be hard to trust when someone posts a factual type of post on social media. As I talked about earlier as well, it's really easy to pretend that your life is super great on social media. Pictures can be photoshopped, videos can be scripted, etc. Young people on social media might believe this and compare their own lives to it, as I did when I was that age.

However, there's also a lot of educational stuff. There are real doctors, scientists, therapists, etc. on social media who post helpful tips and educational posts that are actually real and factual. I personally love science, and I've learned a lot of science stuff on TikTok (that I looked up on Google afterward because I was curious) and I've never been taught half of it in school. Of course social media educational posts should not be a substitute for an actual education, but it can teach you fun little facts about subjects you like.

Pursuit of Fame

Pretty much ever since I started social media, I've wanted to be famous on it. I don't mean have one post go viral, I mean get big. That's honestly still a lost dream of mine (welcome to my blog LOL) but definitely not on a place like Instagram or Snapchat or Twitter. I've always dreamed of being a famous YouTuber turned actor/comedian or sommething along those lines.

I actually have started various YouTube channels over the years doing different things but ultimately ended up deleting them after realizing how embarrassing it was that I was doing that. Maybe I should start that up again (I don't know what I would do though). Some of them did get a little bit of traction, but I usually got overwhelmed with negative comments and just deleted everything.

Final Thoughts

Now, I've learned that when my mental health is bad, social media can't help at all. I delete it from my phone for a few weeks or sometimes over a month and just allow myself to find other ways satiate my boredom. While I'm away from it, I read, write, play video games, spend time with my family and friends, and sometimes I just meditate. Eventually, I do redownload it when I feel more stable. It's an addiction. I know it's bad for me but I can't stop. And I know a lot of other people my age or older feel the same way.

If social media really has you down, get away from it for a while. There's no shame in coming back to it later. Just get your mind off of it and find healthy ways to distract yourself. Pick up a new hobby, or something you've worked on in the past that you haven't done in a while. Going on walks or drives are other things that can really relax your mind and release the happy chemicals and hormones that social media usually does. If there are certain people that you only talk to on social platforms and you don't want to not be able to talk to them, ask them for their phone number! You don't need to isolate to be off of social media.

When you're feeling ready, download it again. Gradually get back into it, watching out for those feelings of insecurity, self-consciousness, or anxiety. If you try to go back to it and find that you immediately fall back into those negative feelings towards it, stay off of it for a little while longer. Again, you can always come back when you feel ready.

#social media #life experiences #personal #personal experiences #personal story #teenager #high school #middle school #insecurity #self conscious #anxiety #mental health #self esteem #education #misinformation online

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teenytinykittenbeans · 1 year

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Well now...

Here I am on this site again. It's been a few years since I deleted my last account. It's been 15 years since I first joined tumblr. It was my second social media account (after myspace). I still remember learning about tumblr through one of my bestfriends, and then it just spread like wildfire during high school. It was back when WeHeartIt was the equivalent of Pinterest. We'd sift through so many photos to pick out the ones we liked, download them, then upload them to our tumblr "blog" (with absolutely no credit ICK). Back then, tumblr was fun. But also so toxic. The anon messaging feature was honestly a terrible idea for anyone under 18yo. There was so much nasty bullying. It gave people the ability to be really two-faced... But, it also connected us in a way myspace didn't. The openness of tumblr made you feel connected to others. Apart from seeing pictures of them, you saw photos of things they liked, pieces of poetry and quotes that symbolized what they were going through, you saw their interactions with others, you got to find out what kind of music they liked, you got to know other's sense of humor, etc. Idk. It was such an interesting environment, apart from the abusive anons.

And yeah, with my gen getting older, I think we stopped sitting on tumblr and started to go out and experience more things irl. We got jobs, we found new hobbies, some of us just needed change, some of us had kids, etc... The site just stopped feeling as special as it once did. A lot of kids I grew up on tumblr with drifted off... some of us deleted our accounts, and a few stayed...

I think I'm partially back here for the nostalgia. I don't know how long I'll stay. Instagram focuses too much on overall presentation and narrow branding. Tiktok is about playing a character and getting famous. Facebook is full of ads and dull. Snapchat hasn't been enjoyable for me in years. Pinterest is nice for inspiration, but it's system of sharing data based on an algorithm feels messy... And I think that's ultimately it. I miss caring about the people I'm seeing stuff posted by. I miss caring about genuine existences, online.

----

My life is so different now from what it was at 15yo. But some things remain the same...

I feel like I'm going through it again, in a similar way to what I experienced at 18. I've lost confidence in myself. I still have such a hard time believing long term goals can become reality, for myself. I'm scared I'm not capable of giving anything good back to anyone. I'm so emotionally unavailable, but really in need of therapy and mending. I'm completely disconnected from my families. I struggle with feeling like I'll ever live up to any standard, no matter how hard I try. I struggle with finding self worth outside of how others view me and treat me.

(Yeah, if you're a youngin' and you've got some kind of financial means of tackling your depression: please deal with it, asap. It comes and goes, but it never permanently goes away. You just learn how to live through it. I wish I had insisted I go to therapy, when I was in my teens, but I never knew I could insist on that from my parents. Mental health is a journey, and it's better to start it as early as possible.)

----

Another big change for me, from 15 to 30, is how many people aren't in my life anymore. People move away. People change friend groups after high school. People grow apart. People have kids... If you don't teach yourself small talk or how to connect with new people, you could end up feeling pretty alone.

People also die, way too early. People die that you once didn't get along with, and you cry because it's still heartbreaking to hear. People die that you once laughed with and loved like a sibling. People die that you once had the biggest crush on. People die that you once were just casually friends with...

It makes me realize, more and more each time, that life just happens. You can plan on things. You can schedule events. You can build the life you want. You can just go with the flow. But ultimately, we're not completely in control of our lives, no matter what we do.

It's always devastating finding out someone else has passed away too early. It always feels unreal and unfair.

March 5-6th, 2023

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achliegh · 3 years

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Golden

Yeehaw Leo… it's all because this song came on one day (I don’t even really listen to country anymore so it really is fate). Leo is based off that song, each chapter is going to be based off a yeehaw song too.

Characters belong to @lumosinlove

Beta: @the-most-slytherin-hufflepuff & @punkkkkboi

TW/CW: Smut, terrible yeehaw sayings and jokes, injuries, mentions of past death/suicide, minor character death, underage drinking, mentions of past arrests, cringe

Chapter Songs (listening in order is recommended):

Chapter 17:

The plane landed, Finn was the first to turn his phone off airplane mode and suddenly it was blowing up, twitter, Instagram, snapchat, tiktok, even Facebook for chrissakes. He was getting messages from family, friends and even the team. He put his phone on silent when he started getting annoyed glances from other passengers.

Logan was next, not as many notifications but still a lot. Leo had a few but none of them had to do with Finn and Logan. Finn was scrolling furiously through his notifications, getting more and more nervous as he kept scrolling. Then he saw the first twitter notification.

Hacked.

His eyes widened and his heart was pounding, Logan was the person in the middle this time, he grips Logan’s arm tight. Logan looks over to him a bit groggy and confused. Finn is in complete panic. Logan raises an eyebrow asking what's wrong. Finn just shakes his head and shoves his phone in his pocket.

They get off the plane and everything is normal, getting their bags and walking towards the closest exit Finn stops walking, causing Noelle to run into the back of him. They all look outside and notice all the media waiting.

What was going on…

“Noelle, Leo can you guys go out a different door and take a taxi to meet us at the apartment? Call Sirius while you’re on the way.”

“Finn what's going on?” Leo is staring outside for a moment before he meets Finn’s eyes.

“Please just do what I ask, I’ll explain more if you don’t hear anything on the way.” Leo and Noelle share a look and then nod, walking towards the exit that is two doors away, Noelle calling a taxi while Leo calls Sirius.

“Finn?” Logan takes his hand, running his thumb over the freckled man’s knuckles. He is looking at the media and they seem to have noticed them, taking pictures through the glass. The flashes put a spot in his eyes when he blinks. Finn has his jaw set in a way that Logan rarely sees, he is angry. Something isn’t right.

“Keep a hand on me, you know how terrible the press can be.” Finn grips his hand tighter as they walk towards the doors with all the press, hoping Noelle and Leo got out safe. The door opens and the mingled words of shouting reporters who Finn knows are just trying to do their job but it's an annoying job.

“LOGAN! Does Finn know you’ve been cheating on him” A female reporter yelled out from the middle of the pack. Logan snaps his head around and is about to answer before Finn drags him forward.

“Finn, do you know the man in the video!?” A male reporter shouted at them and kept asking more and more questions until Finn couldn’t take it anymore he turned around. The shouting, the flashes, the microphones in his face, it was all too much. He was overwhelmed and shutting down.

“Fuck off!” Before turning back around and walking into the first floor of the parking garage, some of the reporters with just pad and pens followed them through the barriers. He ignores them as he unlocks the vehicle. Logan and Finn toss their bags in before they get in themselves.

“Let me see your phone.” Logan is so thankful for the tinted window in this car. Finn hands him his phone and it already has Logan’s face ID so he unlocks the phone and starts looking through everything on Finn’s twitter that was posted. There was everything from Finn’s own nudes to Logan’s. He felt sick to his stomach as he scrolled, then he saw it.

“They posted the video… The video of me and Leo in the mirror. I didn’t know you saved that on your phone, I thought it was just snapchat.”

“They hacked everything of mine, Lo, Baby… I’m so sorry.” Logan hears the crack in Finn’s voice and just places his hand over Finn’s on the console between them. It was a silent drive home.

When Noelle and Leo reached the apartment the press was outside, luckily they couldn't get into the parking garage or the actual building. They make their way inside and see most of the team already waiting by the door.

“What’s going on?” Leo asks Sirius as he unlocks the door and lets everyone in. James turns on the news but nothing is on but the weather right now, Lily and Celeste are there and go to the kitchen with food they already made. Leo was getting more and more confused.

“Finn was hacked, every account of his on social media has posted pictures of him and Logan but there is one video and we know it’s you.” Sirius watches as Leo’s face pales immediately. “No one else knows though, they are trying to call Logan a cheater and Finn a cuck but no one can figure out who you are.”

“What’s the video?” Leo closes the door behind everyone and moves him and Noelle's bags to line the wall so people don’t trip, he’d move them into his room later.

“A video of you and Logan in a mirror, it’s dark and you don’t show either of your faces but people are going wild for it. It was released on twitter first… then everywhere else.” Leo nods and politely excuses himself to the kitchen to help with whatever because that is his safe space.

A half hour later Logan and Finn stumble in the apartment. Finn says nothing as he walks over to Sirius and just starts apologizing for how he has ruined the team's reputation, while Logan takes a slow seat next to Dumo who doesn’t hesitate to pull him into a supportive hug.

“It’s going to be okay.” Dumo mumbles into Logan’s hair rubbing his hand up and down his back as Logan sniffles. “This could have happened to any of us. Hell, it already happened to Remus and Sirius.”

“Not in the same way.” Logan’s voice is muffled in Dumo’s chest and the older man just holds him tighter. “Maman and Papa are going to kill me…” Logan hands his phone to Dumo and it's already unlocked, messages from his parents are on screen. He takes Logan’s phone and holds it up to where he can see it better. Messages just saying horrible things about Logan and Leo for some reason.

“Logan-”

“Shush! Laisse-moi tranquille!” Dumo sighs and closes Logan’s phone, putting it far away from them on the coffee table as he just holds his son.

“Finn, you did nothing wrong! Stop apologizing!” Sirius pulls Finn into a tight hug and Finn tries to pull out of it but Sirius is much stronger. Holding him there while angry tears threaten to fall from Finn’s eyes. Once he melts into Sirius’ hold he starts talking.

“I just ruined my boys' lives…”

“Finn, this wasn’t you.” Finn doesn’t answer, he just slowly pulls away from Sirius when he hears his phone ringing. It’s Alex, he is supposed to go to his wedding this weekend and Finn is thinking he is going to uninvite him.

“I should take this on the balcony.” Sirius gives him a firm pat on the shoulder, resting his hand for a second to give it a squeeze before Finn brushes him off and walks outside. “Alex.” Finn immediately starts crying at the voice of his brother. “Alex- I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to ruin your wedding.”

“What? Finn, I’m calling to make sure you are okay, this has nothing to do with my wedding.” Finn cries even harder, having to support himself on the railing as his tears drip over the edge. “Finn please talk to me.”

“I don’t know what to say, I ruined their lives, Alex! I ruined the people who I love most. How could I do that?” He squats down keeping one hand on the railing and pressing his forehead to the cold metal of the wall of the balcony.

“Finn, Bud, I know you love to blame everything on yourself but I promise you this is not your fault.” Finn lets out a pained noise as his brother speaks.

“Alex, I was the one who saved the pictures! It’s internet 101!” He takes a deep breath as he starts to become exhausted from crying, no more tears were coming but he felt as though his breathing wouldn’t slow down.

“What? You think I don’t have pictures of my fiancé on my phone?” Finn laughs a tiny bit as his breathing starts to go back to normal. “Finn, you need to take down all your accounts before this gets on the news.”

“I tried, I got locked out of them on the way home when Logan started deleting them as I drove us home.”

“Then I guess you need to get in contact with Twitter and whatever else… Then you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and make up a plan to play the media.” Finn is silent for a moment, thinking about how they have a game this Friday, the day he also leaves for Florida in the middle of the night.

“Play the media… That's probably the smartest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Hey!”

“Love you Alex but I need to talk to Sirius and Remus.” He hangs up the phone and rounds up Logan, Remus and Sirius. Pushing them into Leo’s room. “Okay so… how do we fuck with the media?”

Leo was oddly quiet, Reg noticed and placed a hand on his arm. Smiling a little bit at each other Reg could see just how scared Leo is. He is in his head and it's worrying him. Leo isn’t exactly the best at taking care of his mental health and his stress baking foods he doesn’t even like is definitely a sign.

“Leo, why don’t we go have a smoke?” Leo just shakes his head, Clay is sick right now and Thomas didn’t let him come here because he has been ill since they got back home. “Leo, can we at least sit down?”

“These need to be finished Reg. If you want to go sit then sit.” Reg sighs and decides not to pester him anymore. Going over to sit on the couch. He is brought away from texting Clay to the news loudly playing over the TV.

Leo and everyone else in the kitchen move to behind the couch to look at the screen. He was hoping it wasn’t going to be anything about them and what was posted. He was praying to any God he could think of that it wasn’t them.

His prayers never seem to work.

“Breaking News! Finn O’Hara, winger for the infamous Gryffindor Lions hockey team, has recently had some pictures and a video of him, his boyfriend… and a secret man leak onto the internet. We had reporters at the airport earlier today to see if we could get any statements from the two love birds as they made their way back home. We were trying to get answers but O’Hara and Tremblay seemed to be avoiding answering anything. Here is the footage we got from earlier”

Footage from Finn and Logan walking out of the airport shows up on the screen. Finn looking like thunder, Logan just looking confused. Leo watches Logan snap his head towards the reporter who yelled something at him, he didn’t know what was said because his ears felt like they were full of cotton. Finn leads them further on into the crowd but Finn suddenly turns around and spits a ‘Fuck off’ their way before ducking into the parking garage.

“Tremblay seems to be confused as to what was going on while O’Hara was getting defensive. The question everyone is asking is, who is this mystery man? And will this seemingly perfect relationship fall apart because of him? We have the video that was leaked here and we can only show the top half as the bottom is quite scandalous.”

Then suddenly Leo is on TV, they stick to their word only showing the top half of the video, it was darker than Leo remembers it being. He watches as Logan’s mouth moves but there is no audio… just a caption.

Finn.

The week flies by, Leo is the only person allowed to leave the apartment besides for practice, they had a game tonight against Ravenclaw. They won 2-0. Finn and Logan, of course, were being interviewed. Sat together in their stalls, sweaty and still in all their gear, they were very touchy on camera. Logan had kissed Finn’s cheek a couple of times, Finn’s arm was over Logan and he was watching Logan like he was the most important thing in the room.

“So, everyone wants to know. Who is the man in the video?” A reporter turns her microphone towards Finn who just shrugs and smiles.

“Like you said, he's the man in the video.” This shocks everyone for a minute because the camera flashes again.

“Did you like seeing another man with Logan?”

“I wouldn’t have kept it if I didn’t like it.” Finn flashes his most charming smile.

“Logan, is this a random man or someone you know.”

“I know every inch of them.” He smiles as Finn snickers.

“Are you two in an open relationship?”

“Nope!” They both answer at the same time before sharing a chaste kiss. Logan playfully pushes Finn’s cheek away from him and they start laughing again.

“Are you swingers?” They both start laughing and shaking their heads for the millionth time in this interview.

“Non, our relationship is closed and we aren’t swingers. Sorry you just aren’t our type.” The whole locker room gets a chuckle out of that and Marlene kicks the media out of the room so everyone can change. Logan and Finn get changed and finally feel like an entire house has been lifted off their shoulders. Finn was leaving tonight and Leo was meeting Logan at the Dumias house to watch the kids for the weekend.

It was going well. Hours later after Finn kissed his boys goodbye, Logan at the parking lot at the stadium, and Leo at the apartment after grabbing his bags. Maybe they were more than just a chaste kiss on the lips but it was great.

Leo was on his way over to Logan’s with a little surprise next to him. He waltzed up to the door with a small carrier in his arms. Adele answers the door and smiles at him.

“They already have articles about Logan and Finn posted and they are amazing just wait until you hear- what are you holding?” Leo laughs at her as she lets him in. Not giving anything away he walks into the living room, Adele hot on his heels. He sees Logan on his stomach with Marc sitting on his back playing with a hot wheel car on his shoulder blades. Katie is sitting by his head as he rests his head on his hands as she rambles on about something that Leo didn’t catch.

“Leo’s here! And he has a gift.” Adele announces, all the other kiddo’s get up and scramble over to Leo. Hugging him around his legs. Logan slowly stands, starting to get sore from the game that night, stretching his arms above his head before he spins around to see Leo holding a cardboard carrier that you usually get from pet stores.

“What did you bring me, a pet? I’m not that lonely.” Leo smiles and wraps his arm around Logan after the kids let go of him. The little box started squeaking very quietly, catching the attention of everyone. Leo sees the excited stares he's getting from all the kids and his boyfriend so he decides to open the box.

“Meet Tortilla, I adopted her from a family owned pet store that had a litter recently. She has been handlers since she was a tiny version of herself so she is okay around kids.” He lifts a small chinchilla out of the box. She is small and soft chattering to herself as she takes in her surroundings.

Logan’s face immediately morphs into one of pure amazement and adoration. He slowly reaches towards her. “How did you know?”

“Ma found your middle school Pinterest when she was figuring out what gift to get for the holidays. She bought the cages and food for here and Finn’s place.” He smiles as Logan cuddles her gently to his chest. She seems to have taken to him Immediately, burrowing into his arms.

“I love her, I- Leo I don’t know how to respond.”

“You don’t have too. She is part of the family now, Finn has already met her. She doesn’t like him much.” They both smile at that and the kids are now around Logan looking at Tortilla who is thriving under all the attention. “I’m going to start dinner.” With that Leo takes himself into the kitchen to start cooking. He could hear Logan teaching the kids how to hold her properly and how to play with her safely as Leo cooked. He was cooking up leftovers that Celeste left.

Once they ate Leo went out to the truck to get the cage out to put it in Logan’s room. Setting up her enclosure Adele held Tortilla and Katie and Marc stood around her giving Tortilla little pets every chance they got. They placed her in the enclosure after it was ready for her and let her run around inside for a bit before she went into her little home. Logan corralled everyone to the downstairs living room where they watched a couple of movies together.

Soon enough Katie and Marc had fallen asleep on either side of Leo. Katie was basically in his lap and Marc was trying to squish himself behind Leo’s back. Leo got up once the movie ended and picked up one limp child in each arm. Logan decided to go take Adele to bed while Leo tucked the other two in. Asking if they wanted to share a bed and they said yes. So they stayed in Katie’s room both snuggling together as Leo kisses their foreheads goodnight, flicks on the nightlight that makes shapes on the ceiling and leaves the door open a crack so they don’t feel trapped if they wake up.

They met down on the couch again and sat together, Leo’s arm over the back of the couch with Logan resting his head on his shoulder, both tired but not ready for bed.

“We should call Finn, make sure he is in his hotel room safe.” Leo yawns as he is talking while Logan pulls out his phone and starts a FaceTime call with Finn. He doesn’t answer the first time so they try again, him answering on the first ring.

“You guys interrupted my shower concert! I was jamming out.” Finn is only in a towel still dripping wet, he takes a smaller towel and starts drying his hair while looking at the mirror, his phone set up to lean against it on the counter. Leo and Logan share a look of appreciation at their boy.

“You should drop the towel ginger boy, show us what we are missing.” Leo speaks up smirking when he sees Finn turn red.

“You have kids awake!”

“Non, they are asleep.” Logan adds in as they watch Finn pick up the phone and start walking towards the bed, tossing them so they only see the ceiling. They start booing and Finn laughs as he picks the phone back up now in a pair of Leo’s boxers with fish on them. They have become his favorites.

“I was changing, chill out.” He still has the towel from his hair around his shoulders, he just looks at them for a bit taking in how soft and sweet they look curled up together. “You guys are so fucking cute.” He shares a look with Logan and he knows what’s gonna happen. Leo starts talking about the day as Logan leans up to whisper something in his ear. Finn watched as Leo’s face changed from an innocent smile to a dark blush and a slightly shocked face.

“Bedroom?” Leo nods as Logan winks at the phone and drags the taller man to the bedroom, looking around for a second he grabs a chair and pulls it close to the bed while Leo turns on the light. Finn is excitedly watching his screen as Logan tackles Leo onto the bed.

“Tell me what’s the plannn!” Finn whines over the phone and Logan just looks at him from where he is between Leo’s legs and smirks before diving in for a spicy kiss. Logan shoved his tongue in Leo’s mouth taking control of the kids like he hasn’t ever before. Leo is pliant under him and yanks on his shirt as they make out.

Logan leans back and tugs his shirt over his head trying to toss it over the chair but instead throwing it directly at the phone.

“Hey!” Finn shouts from under the shirt, Leo laughs as Logan leans over to pluck the shirt off him. He blows a kiss at the camera before a shirt hits him in the head covering his eyes.

“Hey!” Leo and Finn both start laughing as Logan tosses the other shirt away from them and stands up on the bed pulling down his pants and shakily taking them off before he lands on his knees and yanks Leo’s sweats down.

“In a rush Lo?” Leo smiles as Logan starts furiously digging through his side table drawer for what Leo was guessing was lube. Tossing random papers and a small book on the floor in the process.

“Kinda, I’ve been wanting to fuck you for months!” Leo smiles as Logan finds the small bottle of lube and kneels between his legs. “This okay?”

“Only if We can start with me riding you.” Logan basically moans at the thought. And pours some lube on his fingers.

“Want to watch while I finger Leo? Finn?”

“Is that even a question that needs an answer?” Logan grabs the phone with his clean hand and turns the camera around so that Finn can watch. Leo has taken it upon himself to grab his own knees and pull them towards his chest, giving Logan more room. Finn and Logan both have the wind knocked out of them at the sight.

Logan slowly presses his finger into Leo and is a little surprised when Leo asks him to push it all the way in. Logan complies and Leo moans flushing dark on his chest and inner thighs. Logan starts to pull out and push in and as he does Leo keeps asking for more.

“Baby be Patient.”

“I’m not good at being patient.” Leo’s face is to the side and his eyes are closed S rushing his brow every once in a while when Logan grazes his prostate. He looks beautiful.

Logan eventually adds another finger and Leo starts rocking back on his hand.

“Look at you~” Finn says over the phone, he’s palming himself through his boxers, he doesn’t want to touch until they get to the main event no matter how bad he wants to.

Leo smiles a little, showing off his dimples. Logan doesn’t think he needs to be prepped much more but he is loving watching Leo rock back on his fingers.

“Lo, I’m ready.” Leo starts to sit up as Logan pulls his fingers out Leo kisses him and flips them over so Leo is straddling Logan. He grabs Logan’s phone from his hand and sets it up on top of the headboard that is secured into the wall instead of the bed. “Can you see?”

“Better than I have in my whole life.” Finn smiles looking red and relaxed. Leo watches as Logan lubes himself up. Wiping his hand on the blanket before he rests his hands on Leo’s thighs, tracing his thumb over Matilda’s face as he watches Leo sink down on him. Both gasping, Leo doesn't hesitate to start moving. Logan’s light grasp on Leo's thighs turns into a hard grip within a few seconds. Leo brings himself up and lets gravity take him back down punching sounds out of him as he goes.

“Leo! Leo! I want to change position!” Logan was begging Leo who had his head tipped back, one hand in his hair the other slowly stroking his cock. He looks down at Logan and nods letting the shorter man take over. Leo pulls off and is positioned on his hands and knees. Logan slips back in him and starts fucking him nice and slow until neither of them can take it anymore. He speeds up both of them moaning quieter than usual so they don’t wake up anyone in the house. Logan is getting close so he reaches around and starts jerking Leo off fast with no real rhythm, his own thrusts getting sloppy.

His orgasm sneaks up on him and he isn’t able to give Leo a warning as he cums into him, fucking Leo through his orgasm he plasters himself across Leo’s back kissing his sweaty shoulder blades as he continues to jerk Leo until he feels as warm wet feeling on his hand. Leo must have warmed him but his ears aren’t working. He pulls out of Leo and they both sit up in time to see Finn cumming so hard it hits his chest.

“That was amazing boys, I wish I was there in person.” They both sleepily nod and share a short kiss before taking the phone and heading to Logan ensuite bathroom which is small but gets the job done. They shower with Finn propped in the corner where the water doesn’t hit, just cleaning each other off and hugging under the spray.

They fall into bed and drift off to sleep with Finn who forgot to plug in his phone. It dies some time during the night, making him sleep in a bit longer than he meant too.

But he wasn’t bothered, because he spent the night with his boys.

His boys that he loves.

They really need to tell Leo they love him… when he gets home.

#leo knut #logan tremblay #finn o'hara #james potter #thomas walker #Clayton Bruss #o'knutzy #o’knutzy #lumosinlove #sweater weather #coast to coast #clayton bruss #remus lupin #coops

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years

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sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #tumblr is legit my fucking life now #motivate me to deactivate this blog to leave the hellsite forever 2021 #trigger warning: suicide mention #tw: suicide mention

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mermaidenisaacs · 3 years

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hi im alive :(

update about my social life: one of the new friends i made hasn't been talking to me as much and i asked him if he's okay and he said he's just been really busy since the semester started and he works at the same university i work at so i totally believe it because it's been TERRIBLE since things have gone back to 100% capacity but :( i miss my friend :( it's not a huge deal but ://////

update about seeing a dietitian: she's very reassuring and her approach rejects and debunks diet culture so she feels very trustworthy and knowledgable. for me, a person who feels overwhelmed and confused by all the conflicting nutrition information that inundates all social platforms whether i'm searching for it or not, it's so refreshing and helpful. i've only had 3 sessions with her but so far she's helped me have a little more peace of mind related to food so i guess that's. good!

additional misc update: i deleted tiktok for my mental health. would recommend 10/10

#personal

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klaus-is-the-real-number-1 · 4 years

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I just made the mistake of going through the Aidan Gallagher hashtag on tiktok and it pisses me off so bad. It’s just full of people bullying him and then I saw someone say they felt terrible about it because they just found out he‘s 16, people started saying they shouldn’t feel bad, and that he deserves it. Who the fuck thinks bullying anyone is ever okay?? It makes me incredibly angry

honestly i hate tiktok, i deleted it nearly a month ago now and my mental health has improved so much recently because i deleted it. It became so toxic but i was addicted because there was nothing else for me to do. It’s created a culture where people can bully anyone and say it’s criticism or say its cancelling. No it’s not, it’s bullying and to be quite honest i’ve been through getting bullied and being used as a joke and it’s really not nice, at all. And when i went through it, it was only a small group of people so imagine how Aidan feel with thousands on thousands of people saying how much they hate him and such. Like how can you hate someone you don’t know, i’ll admit i laughed at first at the Love by love thing but it literally became not funny when people started to literally attack him for it. He’s a kid!!!! god knows how he feels about it, probably absolutely awful.

#it makes me so mad man #like why does it matter the age its not okay to bully anyone #it peeves me

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romymdxcontexualstudiesfirstyear · 3 years

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The censorship of women on social media.

Deep rooted in our society is the attempt to control women, it goes back centuries. Women being told to act proper, lady like and quiet themselves, in fear of being unfairly labelled a shameful name. For decades this attitude towards women continued until more recent times, women have found new ways to challenge this outdated idea of womanhood. In today’s society women can proudly express their trues selves online, whether its speaking out about an issue they normally wouldn’t feel able to do or simply posting a picture of themselves. Although women nowadays have much more freedom then before, do they really have complete freedom? On social media women can post and write whatever they please, as long as it complies with the ‘community guidelines’, this is where the issues start to crop up. An alarming amount of women’s posts that get removed are to do with their appearance, if it doesn’t fit into the ‘healthy lifestyle’ or the objectified version of women. The culprit of this is usually Instagram and TikTok, along with most social media platforms having their own ridiculous guidelines.

Rupi Kaur the visual poet, had a menstruation-themed photo series which she posted to Instagram, to challenge the taboos of periods. One photo in particular gained some attention which resulted in it being removed twice, the image under fire (See Figure 1) was of the artist herself, fully clothed lying down in bed, with 2 small spots of bloods visible both on her trousers and the bed sheets. The post was then removed twice for violating community guidelines, Kaur challenged these removals and eventually the post was restored where you can still find it today. On the restored post Kaur writes how she “thanks Instagram for providing the exact response her work was created for, deleting a photo of a women who is fully clothed and menstruating, claiming that it goes agonist guidelines when the guidelines state that its nothing but acceptable.” (Kaur, 2015)

Although the post is back up and has been ever since, the fact that it was removed twice despite that there was nothing within the image that violated guidelines, proved how women are controlled to fit the common place ideals that have been ingrained into society. It’s surprising to see the amount of people who think this type of image shouldn’t be on social media, as if a women menstruating isn’t natural, it’s made to seem dirty which it just isn’t.

Figure 1. Rupi Jaur photographed by her sister Prabh Jaur, exposing a small part spot of blood, a part of the period series to break the taboos of menstruation. March 25th 2015.

Out of social media women are censored for simple things we might take for granted now, such as reading a book or educating yourself. Once women were ‘allowed’ to read and write books men started trolling and claimed that women’s novels were dangerously distracting, unrealistic and even damaging to their mental health; Men would often deem female writers insane or secretly male. Joan Acocella an American journalist comments on the book ‘The Women Reader’ by Belinda Jack (see figure 2) “Women seemed stupid therefore, they were considered unfit for education; therefore, they weren’t given an education; therefore, they seemed stupid” (Aocoella, 2012) this statement holds a lot of truth, women were never even given the chance to educate themselves and when they did they were called insane and made fun of.

Male writers retaliated by publishing ‘helpful advice’ for women, targeted to keep women in their place; but women fought back. Publishers in the 16th century would offer cheaper and smaller books that could easily be hidden from husbands, book clubs started to form among women, discussing what made men fear women reading do much? The biggest reason being that women would then start to gain their own opinion, unguided or unbiased and they would think independently, another form of women being censored to fit this ideal that had been created just to put them down. The fear of women gaining education is still feared in more modern societies today, for example Iran’s ban of women studying certain topics like English literature, a way of controlling women to do and act how predominantly men want them to act and being punished if they disobey these rules, similar to the community guidelines on social media but in a more serious way.

Figure 2. Front cover of “The Women Reader” by Belinda Jack, the book introduced frustrated female readers over many eras, exploring the differences between men and women’s reading tastes.

The social media platform TikTok is particularly a culprit of censoring and discriminating women, policing their bodies and removing videos with women with “abnormal body shapes”. Raeann Langas, a body-positive influencer with a substantial following on TikTok aims to show people that all bodies are beautiful, regardless of shape or size. Langas posted a video of her and a friend dancing on the beach in matching bikinis, (see figure 3.) a few days after she posted the video she realised that the video had been taken down for violating community guidelines, assuming the app didn’t allow those types of videos she didn’t feel the need to challenge it. But after some digging she found countless videos of women in bikinis using the same #bikini nut the only different was they were all straight-sized women. She says “It was alarming to me that they were clearly removing certain types of people and body types, not the mention a majority of these videos kept up were highly sexualised and would be considered inappropriate for certain viewers.” (Langas, 2020

Langas brings up a great point here, for a post to be “accepted” on social media it is overly sexualised and pretty much objectifies women. You see it on most social media platforms, for example if a slender, “in shape” women posted a bikini picture on Instagram it would get high praise from both women and men, but if a women with a bigger body and stereotypically “unfit” shape were to post the exact some picture, the response would be name calling and making her feel like she is less than, and in some cases the post gets taken down for “violating guidelines”, censoring women who express their true self because society has deemed their body type unappealing and not fir for social media.

Figure 3. Picture of Raeann Langas with her friend at the beach, spreading body positivity. Malibu California, 2020.

Despite this unjust censorship women have experienced for far too long, there is also a positive side to it. International Women’s Day always brings to light the achievements of women and gives them to opportunity to continue to challenge the status quo by changing the shape of society. Alyssa Milano the American actress, singer, author, producer and activist is known for many of her achievements but especially her #MeToo movement that sparked up in 2017, Milano asked women on Twitter to write ‘#MeToo’ if they had ever been sexually harassed or assaulted. In just a few short days tens of thousands of women had responded, one small outcry became an army or supporting women. (Protesting women after Harvey Weinstein arrest pictured below. (See figure 4)

The MeToo movement is just a small part of the victory for women, women having the right to be free, uncensored is shifting the social norms, especially on social media. From my own personal experience getting the upmost amount of support from women on social media is so uplifting, it makes you feel seen and listened to, not just other women preaching about her rights. The more women taken control and break down barriers on social media the more freedom we will get, no longer being put in our place for expressing ourselves, we will no longer conform to the misogynistic views and objectify ourselves for anyone.

Figure 4. Picture above is participants in the march against sexual assault and harassment apart of the MeToo movement in LA Hollywood, November 12th 2017.

The cases I have brought up all support the same opinion that I have about women and social media which is that, misogynistic, sexist and old-fashioned views that have for years censored women are now the very thing that are now giving us the power to take a stand and challenge the status quo. Recent events of women being attacked and sexually harassed are terrible and should never have happened, I feel as if people have already started to stop talking about it and only support it while its “trending” and once it’s done being in the spotlight we get censored again because people don’t really want to talk about the real issues, only talk about them when its gaining them clout, which I feel is the real problem with the social norms we have created. Although it may seem like every step we take we get knocked back three, but every small victory makes up a brighter and better future for women, we need to continue to challenge the status quo, breaking down the barriers and make people uncomfortable until we are heard. Censoring of women may never stop, but we can learn how to make the censorship our own and command what we can and can’t post, no more of being put in our place, more of claiming our rightful place.

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