#I can’t fucking do any of it anymore
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I’m so tired of trying to be me
#vent#my head hurts so fucking bad#every time I try to do something that has even the slightest amount of thinking I get a fucking headache#all my fucking hobbies I had. the shit I was good at. things I LOVED to make. it all hurts#I can’t fucking do any of it anymore#it takes so long for me to do everything even without the headache#and I can’t remember shit anymore#not just a ‘where did I leave this’ sense.#I mean I will walk across a room and be unable to remember what I just saw.#I will be talking to someone and forget what was just said.#I’ve forgotten how to do the shit I enjoy and all the things I know#I forgot how to do fucking WRITTEN LONG DIVISION AND MULTIPLICATION#I had to drop a fucking college course over that. do you know how fucking embarrassing that is.#everything is fucking gone#I don’t know why I bother anymore#I should just die. i wont be able to exist on my own#and I go back through things I used to say in discord servers to my friends in highschool#and I talk about all sorts of stuff and i guess some of it is stuff is important based on how it’s talked about but I don’t fucking remember#things I thought I’d never forget and I fucking did.#and sometimes I straight up don’t mention important things in my life that I talked about elsewhere#and I don’t ever get to know how I felt bc I never talked about some shit#so I run my mouth now so I can always go back and find it because god knows I’ll forget#I’m so tired
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Anons coming off since some of yall just can’t behave. Cant believe in a source material like One Piece I got idiots on my inbox saying some of the most rancid shit.
Sorry to those who get nervous but yeah, I’m tired. I don’t care anymore when for almost months now I’ve gotten disgusting messages by cowardly anons.
#rambles#vent#yeah great job one piece fans you’re really making a good case for yourselves 👍#‘why are there barely any poc writers’ because you assholes can’t behave that’s why#you’re not entitled to talk to me and I won’t hear that crap anymore#if your first thought is to send racist and hateful messages then be a fucking man and do it off anon#I think this genuinely has to be one of the most racist fandoms I’ve ever been a part of#I can’t believe yall can call yourself fans of this series
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the sun always shines on TV
#hello charlotte#vent art#charlotte wiltshire#q84#charlotte q84#basically. this song is like. a microcosm of. what hello charlotte is to me#the music video especially gets the point across really well#it’s like i just don’t fucking know what’s real or not#i love so blindly with no direction but i do love and that’s what confuses and scares me#i have these…. masks. that’s all this is is masks. masking. performance#it is real. but it is also fake. and it’s so hard. it’s so fucking hard wearing a mask all the time#because i can’t take it off. i can’t. that’s why i love q84 so profoundly#the mask took over her fucking life. she has no idea who she is anymore#she was never someone who hurt people and now she is and she is FUUUCKED UP about it#but she’s too isolated and alone and unwilling to listen and proud to stop the hurt or the doomspiral or any of it#i feel like that. this gets at a profound generational scream of agony i feel from everyone around me#we’re just scared. we’re all scared. we are all mourning the loss of our sanity and begging for answers and nothing is working#something. idk#i’ve been thinking about this a lot clearly gkshf#it’s just… i just. i want a hug. i just want to hug a lot. that’s all. i think all we fucking want is a fucking hug. for god’s sKe
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Sometimes I wish my “friends” or whatever who ghosted me would talk to me again just so I could bite their fucking heads off
#rant#Tw rant#vent#vent tw#in tags#like you fucking said you were going on a mental health break and that’s fine but after WEEKS of radio silence I check on you#and you’ve fucking BLOCKED me????#like what the fuck is wrong with you#this has happened multiple times and I think it’s justified that I’m fucking angry#they KNOW I have abandonment issues and they don’t even give me a notice they don’t tell me what I did wrong#I’m so fucking tired of this shit#I’ve tried to be supportive but all they ever do is fucking toss me to the side#I’m not sorry#I can’t even look at half of my sketchbook anymore because it’s stuff I made for them#I wouldn’t say that letting your friends know why you’re leaving them is a lot to ask#but hey maybe I’m the one in the wrong here#and I’m even angrier because I don’t hate them#I can’t really#but I’m so fucking mad#I don’t want any hug emojis I get that you’re trying to help but I’m really not in the fucking mood#I think I only have like two friends I can trust
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ok. moving out update. today i:
talked to my beloved ex supervisor / mentor (<- SCARY!!!!!) to ask her about her experiences living by herself esp as a short woman (which is not a big deal except for how it is + how my parents think it is) and get her advice abt how to navigate that experience psychologically and practically. i asked her if we could talk abt this very impulsively on thursday after not having the courage to do it for almost a year btw (<- BRAVE!!!!!!!!) and i was still too scared / embarrassed to ask her some stuff abt safety / self defense lol but it mostly went really well!
started making a budget and determined that a) i may be getting overpaid somehow (😳) b) i may be getting double or even triple charged for my health and life insurance (😒) so now i need to call hr on monday and figure all of that out. and also c) i suck at math but we knew that. but i forced myself to figure out what i did wrong so that’s an achievement
made my first ever student loan payment 😀🔫
booked a tour of one apartment and attempted to book a tour of another (the same place i was looking at in may) but their website was glitching out and then they didn’t answer when i called to schedule it over the phone which. hm. 😒 but yeah the tour(s) will happen mid week next week and im going to ride the shuttle to the apartment complex(es) and back to campus to see what that’s like too!
posted on local subr*ddit asking for recommendations for those two apartments + other places in the area. haven’t gotten anything back bc i just made the post but 😎👍
read a bunch of old journal entries from 2021 to remind myself of what it was like to move onto campus and how i pushed through my family’s hurt and disapproval to live the way i needed to. haven’t finished reading it all yet but i will tomorrow (while also doing my stupid homework 🙄)
#purrs#i really hope im not being overpaid lol. because if i am being overpaid that means i can’t afford to move out 😍 but my paystubs#are saying thats how much im making every week and it is… significantly more then im supposed to be making which is absolutely not a bad#thing i just don’t understand why it’s happening + want to make sure it’s supposed to be happening so that i don’t depend on an error that#would devastate me when remedied yk. but yeah. also i haven’t factored car stuff into any of this yet sooooo erm. we’ll see what happens#anyways uhm this is kind of crazy like. i am really making a concerted effort to try to move out. SOON. and my family doesn’t know.#chuckles im in danger but also….. tess pepprs epic girlboss redemption arc i think. i am doing big scary things and i can do them. fuck yeah#like. i don’t have to live like this anymore. i can change it TODAY. i have that power. i have done my time. i’m ready to fly and no one can#stop me. i will not be held back anymore. i’m going to live the life of my wildest dreams and i’m on the brink of beginning it.
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sometimes I get worried I’m like. faking being trans. n then I realized I probably wouldn’t be crying over people not seeing me as a guy if I was faking it
#it actually kills me#”but you dress so feminine”#I HAVE TO#i cant LIVE THE WAY I WANT TO#I want to pass so badly I don’t want to live this anymore#I want queer people irl not judge me when I say I am trans#i will never forget when two gay guys in my class told me I was just a cis girl who liked gay men#I can’t do this any longer I pretend like it doesn’t bother me like I can keep going but I can’t#I just fucking can’t#trans people irl LOOK AT ME WEIRD WHEN I SAY IM A GUY#I just#Idk#it hurts#it feels like my own community doesn’t even like me because of things I can’t control#anyways if u read this I’m sorry for yapping#Sorry for doing it a lot in general
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Trans sadeas is a hilarious concept for being a guy who did the Super Fucking Transgressive Thing of jumping gender ship in fucking Vorin society (strictly fucking gendered) and then living mostly stealth for 35 years and going Dalinar you’re not a real man because you like killing people slightly less than you used to. With zero self awareness
#luke.txt#LIKE I FEEL LIKE SOMETIMES FANON LOOKS AT HIS QUEERCODED DISNEY VILLAIN SWAG AND GOES oh Sadeas plays with gender somewhat doesn’t he#NOPE HE IS 100% VORIN MAN ITS INSANE HOW MASC HE IS IN UNIVERSE#but of course he’s all about perfectly curating himself and I’m sure if he didn’t have like 13 layers of internalized shit going on#he wouldn’t also be. like. stealing food off Ialai’s plate like she steals food off of his. reading brazenly. shit like that#but alas you can’t give dalinar shit for not being hot anymore I mean not being a Proper Man Anymore#without also never doing any of that shit#drunkposting#sadeas you fucking weirdo#although maybe he’s like Dalinar 🥚?#and the thought of Dalinar as a woman makes him feel Bad for gender reasons because he’s staked so much of his dalinarfucking on being#a man fucking a man. so to have that retroactively untrue is uncomfortable to him#to which I say Sadeas that is a real person get over yourself
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genuinely thinking of deleting this blog
#Just#whats the point anymore#I can’t fucking stand Zelda anymore which makes me sick#Because I used to love it so much#I try with my art but what’s the goddamn point of having 360+ followers if I can’t even get twenty notes on a piece?#So many creators are getting harassed because the Zelda fandom is fucking entitled and insufferable and cruel#I’ll never be good at art so what’s the point of even making any#All the friends I used to have are gone#And I just feel so damn empty and tired#I want to do stuff with the power play au#But it’ll never measure up to what’s in my head so why even try??#I swear to god the only reason this still exists is because I’m terrified of losing my rebels blog#I’m just so tired#i want to go to sleep forever and never wake up
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Y’all is Hollow Knight hard or do I just suck because oh my god??
#not gonna inflict my ramblings onto someone else’s post so just making a text post for myself#but oh my god#what the fuck?#maybe I’m not a hardcore metroidvania fan but I like them well enough#do I suck that badly at games now?? am I old to the point that my hands can’t do this shit????#did I just somehow fuck myself at some point???#because wow this feels kind of sadistic????#and not even in the fun kind of way?????#like I think I’d rather submit myself to fear and hunger again rather than continue where I am now in hk#idk maybe I’m missing something#but I just got wall jump and was so happy until I fell down to where you can challenge those mantis dudes#got myself out of there but then as I was exploring northwest I keep dying and reviving from the fucking bouncy balls over water#and the normal mantis mobs are also kicking my ass?#and dont even get me started on the weird tentacley nuclear bomb mushroom things those are just bullshit#AND THEN AS I WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME EXPLORING HEADING TOWARDS A SAVE BENCH I GET DROPPED INTO DEEPNEST??????#WHAT KIND OF JUMPSCARE BULLSHIT??????????#AND THE FUCKING COCKROACHES THAT NEVER SEEM TO STOP SPAWNING KILL ME#and then I see how fucking far back I’ve been dropped in the corner of fungal wastes#and I try jumping through the fucking bouncy balls again#and I die and lose my money#I can’t fucking do this shit anymore y’all holy fucking shit#the number of times I’ve died and restarted from that fucking fungal wastes bench I am so sick of it 💀#legit I think this is the first time I’ve rage quit a game#it’s been a while since a game’s actually made me this angry I want to fucking throw something 😂#the willpower and self control I needed to not chuck my pro controller across the room…#if I didn’t have neighbors and a unit below me I’d be throwing shit for sure though#but instead I must smack pillows against my mattress in a rage 😂#I think I hate the ‘go back to where you died to get back your money’ punishment system… like legit I actually really really hate it.#I do think the game is fun and I know I’ll probably quickly gain the money… but it feels like the game’s telling me I fucking suck lmao#suffice to say I will not be playing any more hollow knight for the foreseeable future 💀
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you people are fucking insane
#i know who this is btw they’ve made 4 blogs just to harass me after i block them#i was gonna end up crying myself to sleep tonight anyway so thank you for the material to help with that.#literally what’s the point. why do i do any of this.#why do i bother writing anything when it’s just going to be compared to someone else.#why do i bother editing when the fandom is dead except for harassing me.#who do i bother getting sober and getting clean and going through all of that bullshit.#why do i bother bending over backwards to be nice to people who send me this. and worse.#i’m not even posting the really bad ones i got tonight. that described my mutuals assaulting me in graphic detail.#people i love and care about and consider friends. who i already worry don’t actually like me.#i’ve spent all day stressing myself sick over the absolute terror of someone not loving me. and then this.#and you people know that. you know exactly where i’m vulnerable and you know how to attack it.#i’m done. i’m so fucking done. i can’t do this shit anymore.
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#I’m so tired of being the way that I am dude#I’m sensitive and fragile and emotional about fucking everything#I’ve been pulling away from my friends the past few months so that they don’t have to deal with it#but now it’s just being put on my online friends#and I hate it so much#I don’t know how to change#I don’t know how to not get upset over so much#sometimes I feel like I’ve come far and other times I feel like I haven’t made any progress at all#it’s so frustrating because it makes me so paranoid#do people dislike me because of this? are they talking about me? am I just a burden that people tolerate?#I just want to be fucking normal lol and I don’t know how#I’m too autistic and just a huge baby about everything all the time#I’m so stressed and overwhelmed about so much lately#but I can’t just keep using that as an excuse#do people just roll their eyes when I apologize because they’re tired of it and know it will happen again?#I want to just hide away#so that people don’t have to deal with me#and it sucks because I’m not saying all this to be like woe is me please feel sorry for me please reassure me#I’m just getting my feelings out#now is a great time for my schedule to be changing to not allow for regular therapy lol#idk man#I don’t know what I’m doing anymore
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tbf i really deserved to lose that poll im stupid af
#i need to come off the pill it’s not funny anymore 😂🙏🏼#like it was already hard getting myself motivated for a degree i hate and then there’s the adhd shit on top of that#which is literally the productivity killer but now the pill on top of all that has just taken any fear factor i might have had#like i don’t feel anything I’m not nervous there’s no concept of repurcussions in my mind#and it’s meant I’ve basically hardly fucking studied and it’s entirely my fault and im GOING to fail#like you cannot walk into a uni exam with the barebones knowledge i have and still pass you just can’t#like i spent all of yesterday trying to study and i didn’t get anything fucking done until 11pm#when I did like. a solid hour. that’s it#and it’s so frustrating bc it’s like well why didn’t you just study#and im like i CANT it’s like an actual physical block stopping me#and ik thats the adhd but I could handle it before I knew if I left it last minute the panic would set in and I’d be suddenly productive#but now? nothing#i just don’t feel anything ever and haven’t since literally march#and even that the only reason i remember it as march so vividly is bc i had a fucking depressive episode#physically the pill has done bits but it’s shredded the little mental stability i had and now we’re here and I’m failing my stupid degree#even now it’s like. why am I on tumblr. the exam is in 1.5 hours. i have so much to do bc i did nothing yesterday#and instead of me feeling panic or guilty or ANYTHING?#nothing. just absolutely nothing it’s like im not even here#hella goes to uni
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Outside of all of… that happening to Gojo, and finishing Snowfall the other day, eek……..
#I can live with what gege did to Gojo even though it hurts so much bro#but I can’t deal with what happened to Franklin bro that’s one of the worst character endings ever omg my chest….#i meant it in a ‘that’s so fucked up’ way not ‘this is badly written’ because it really does fit his character….. even though witnessing#such a strong and ambitious character turn into……. THAT in the end… bro…………. not Franklin 😭…#his pride left him in ruin… the fact that he actually still had ppl who were willing to stand by his side in the end and help him but he#couldn’t accept it because in his own words ‘I built this shit! and if I wanted to tear it down with my own hands than I will-‘ like he was#so used to being in charge.. the boss… never taking orders from the people who worked for him… and whenever any other character would make#suggestions or decide that they wanted to branch off he’d completely lose his shit because in his mind they’re all stronger together and he#felt like he was losing control of the circumstances that arose and that ‘if only they would’ve listened to ME then everything would’ve#been just fine-‘ and the crazy thing is… Franklin was usually right 😭 like 90% of the time but it’s just he couldn’t communicate with his#friends and peers without blowing up like a demon just because they made their own decisions lmfao#especially without him/his consent lmfaooo he was a control freak for sure#so many awful things wouldn’t have even happened if everyone stuck together and listened but at the same time other characters grew tired#of being underneath him and it was within their right to go do their own thing like I get it#so many things were going to wrong in the end 😭… also teddy is such a bitter bitch bro#the fact that Franklin willingly decided to become…. I can’t even say it…#in the end over receiving what he’d consider a handout is insane…….. living like that? in filth because he’s too prideful to ever work#under anyone ever again even if it’s with a trusted friend… the money really blinded him but I get it#if I had 73 mil stolen from me out of nowhere by a bitter white man just because I told him I didn’t want to do business with him anymore#in the 80’s then I’d lose it too but ong Franklin was too ambitious to end up like this…#he kind of character you’d just watch and instantly think to yourself ‘this guy could go anywhere he wants. he’s no caged bird…’#so it makes his ending even more devastating……..#rambling#if you ever watch snowfall don’t watch the last episode 🥺 please promise me you won’t?
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hey does anyone know how we’re supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang we’re really in it now#i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i can’t even pretend at work anymore#i’m so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and it’s not their fault they’re just kids and they’re tired and it’s almost summer#but god i can’t fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class i’m taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didn’t buy the textbook bc it’s 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i can’t keep up with friendships and feel like i’m constantly letting them down#and there’s nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i haven’t been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner who’s also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i don’t know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc i’m so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i don’t have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad it’s gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i can’t make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that they’ve stopped working#and yet i still worry that i’m making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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#sometimes i forget that addicts can be very mean and will blame or guilt-trip you for their own behaviors and actions#and it’s very hard to have any meaningful conversation with them when they’re going through it#sucks :/#they literally said ‘i do what i do because you have no self control’ oh really? *I* have no self control? you can fucking move out then if#im a driving force of your drug habits#(im not)#i just can’t deal with it anymore. mentally exhausting to constantly be someone’s scapegoat#esp when i try my best to support them and hold on my tongue when they really deserve whatever i was about to say#*hold my
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did the mom really just suggest we go to mexico to get weight loss surgery…….
#i must stress i am in my EARLY FUCKING TEENS#i can’t even DRIVE yet#and my mom’s like. yea you can get a surgery so you don’t put any more weight on#it’s not legal here so i’ll take you to mexico ☺️#i’m a child#a fucking child. and i’m already on a diet#and i’m not even unhealthy. i’m actively losing weight#i lost 10 pounds already. and i’ll lose more#i can’t do this shit anymore#vent
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