#I FEEL VERY UNSAFE RIGHT NOW
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About Noé's latest neurodivergent adventures (chapter 61.5 and 62)
(things I found relatable)
1. PUTTING UR HAND UP BC U CANT FIGURE OUT WHEN TO SPEAK. EVERYONE THINKS UR WEIRD FOR IT BUT ITS POLITE AND LIFE IS FUCKING HARD
2. Struggling to follow conversation, and seeing clearer ways of communication that no one else can and getting frustrated that the neurotypicals are so obviously communicating poorly
3. Vanitas designated translator
4. Being quite blind to politics (when it comes to discrimination against himself as a vampire [and his PRIVILEGES as a vampire] and in this case against others like dhams) bc he works individual by individual instead of by social categories
5. Last of all it hurts to see the other characters calling him ignorant and an idiot all the time bc Ive been there. He's booksmart, he's intelligent, just not socially, but here is everyone writing him off as dumb just bc he's different.
Its not like he's ignorant on purpose. Of course it's important to know this shit he's learning now, and it can be done, but it's a lot harder when ur autistic and, as Vanitas said, when u grow up so isolated. Learning is a neverending process and Noé is very clearly learning and just bc he works differently like putting his hand up to speak or interpreting the world differently doesn't mean he's stupid
#istg im not getting mad at fictional characters it just hits hard for me lmao#i actually grew up in a small very conservative town where it was unsafe to be queer#and i had so much learning to do when i moved to the capital and im so much happier now#but it was especially hard to figure this shit out when ur gullible and confused#i always had a nagging feeling that my peers denying others human rights was wrong but whenever i tried to object i would be mocked#like the inkling was there there were just no alternatives around me to the bigotry#until i found a place where my sense of justice could flourish#socialising is still hard but the politics side has improved so much and will continue improving#srry for ranting just wanted to share my personal experiences where relevant#autism#adhd#noé archiviste#the case study of vanitas#vanitas no carte#vnc#autistic noé#autistic noé archiviste
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The difficult thing about openly blogging about healing and going through a long period of growth publicly is the feeling of “I’m not doing super great, and it’s worse than it has been before” springs to mind, but for the X number of times you’ve said it in the past, it feels more trivial. And maybe that’s a sign that things have always been an up and down sort of pattern, and that it will pass again, but maybe it also serves to feel more isolating in not having the words or energy anymore to describe how it is *this* time. And it is a position that changes day to day, and on better days it feels more passable, and on worse the void feels more vast. The mere fact that it changes is probably a good sign, that nothing ever has to be set in stone. But boy are some days so, so dreadful.
#I guess a measure would be this feels like pre-move out times right now#when I was (physically) in a bad and unsafe place#and moving out has had its own stressors and anxieties#but the dread I feel is very reminiscent of another older time before then#I recently visited Texas with Spider and Sarah and Doc#we stayed at my parent’s place so it was definitely a mixed bag#I wish I wasn’t so messed up after every visit there#I thought it’d be better or easier with company after this time#but due to a variety of factors I’ve left the experience more tattered than I’d like#they had fun and it wasn’t a bad trip#but it wasn’t a great trip for me personally for loaded reasons#Spider knows to check in on me more in the coming days and weeks so that is good#FUCK man also I love this new song that came out but I CANNOT listen to it anymore and had to remove it from my playlist#because I kind of associate it with the trip now and it makes me cry every time I hear it haha#second song I ever had to do that with!!#I’m okay#just so very tired.
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#seraph speaks#k word use#everything going on rn is just. awful. my dash makes me sick to my stomach on a regular basis.#but i feel such immense shame at the very idea of blocking The Words even if it's for my own well-being#because then i'll be One Of The Bad Jews or whatever#honestly this site feels really really hostile again#it hasn't felt that way since i was sent graphic gore and death threats during one of the nazi raids years and years ago#and the worst part is that this unsafe feeling is coming from ppl who i generally quite like and even trust.#to make it even worse i KNOW ppl will deride and mock me for the very fact that i (a filthy fucking jew) feel terrified and unsafe rn#because ~i'm not the one being actively bombed right now~#i've already seen it happening.#and i just. am so tired.#as if this is a fucking competition? obvs i'm not saying i have it worse than palestinians#but honestly if you have the time to mock jews for being afraid rn#bc antisemitism ALWAYS spikes when israel's in the news for crimes (bc gentiles think all of world jewry is responsible for those crimes)#it's already been bad. it's going to get worse.#and if you come into my asks or my replies or w/e about this and get combative#genuinely just call me a fucking kike so i can block you#i just assume that if you have the time to bitch at random jews for the gall to be afraid rn that you aren't someone currently in a warzone#i feel like they have more important things to worry about than harassing jews on tumblr dot com.#anyways sorry for the [gestures] this#im not going to say anything else. will likely block certain words eventually as well. i'm just so exhausted and upset.#it's been all i can think abt.
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yeah sex is great but have you ever unflooded your street by removing leaves from the storm drains using the litter-grabber tool you bought from lowe's two weeks ago for that exact purpose?
#every year my street floods in the autumn when it rains heavily. usually multiple times. every year!!!#i hate it it's so stressful. and of course the cars keep driving down it even though it's unsafe. a lot don't even slow down#and they throw up these huge walls of water with their passage#the street becomes totally unusable for pedestrians wheelchair users bikers strollers etc.#it's just the worst. and every year i'm like oh i should get a thingy so i can do something about it#and i never do in time. but this year. THIS year. watch out world#i cleaned out the drains preventively a few times in the past couple weeks but today is the first day of somewhat heavy wind and rain#so i went out this evening and two of the four drains were completely clogged :( but i got out my tool & as soon as i cleared a little spac#a whirlpool formed and sucked all the water into it! with this amazing noise. it was fantastic#then i cleared away the rest of the leaves cuz that tiny spot would get covered up very quickly otherwise#i came back by an hour later and they're still looking great <3 i'm basking in the afterglow#it is funny how much easier a homeowner could do this than me. those people have yard debris cans#they have space for shovels. god. a shovel. my kingdom for a shovel#i'm just piling the leaves on the curb one handful at a time and then leaving them there (out of the way of everyone of course)#because i have nowhere else to put them and no way to transfer them farther distances#but it's mostly just apartments near this intersection so we gotta do it for ourselves#anyway i'm probably gonna have to do it again tomorrow because there are a lot of dead leaves out there right now#but man! i've never been able to do anything about this before except call the city and wait for them to send someone. this feels so good
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whooooo having an anxiety attack about covid. again 👍
#cw negative#cw vent#nowe talks#it's hard to describe what about it is the worst source of anxiety for me. it's not What If I Get It. it's mostly just. it's just.#i sometimes feel like our society has just forgotten that it's a thing. or that society has forgotten that it's A SERIOUS THING.#like this thing that Kills People.#i know it's not lethal to most people but it still is a very serious thing!#why have we as a society shifted from “protecting the people most affected is a collective responsibility#(via vaccination and masking and not showing up to places sick)“#to “well what if all the people belonging to risk groups just deal with this on their own and the rest of us go back to normal?”#idk man maybe i'm sensitive because my grandma died of covid a week before Christmas last year.#or because both of my parents are over 60 and my dad has another risk factor illness on top of that.#idk man. i just feel so. unsafe. unsure and scared and tired. i just dont want other people to go through what our family did last december#i want to stress that i'm not blaming any individual people for this.#my frustration is almost solely directed towards the goverment not taking covid seriously enough#and like i'm not perfect. i'm not sure what's the right thing to do and what's me overreacting.#i recognize that i am often incapable of thinking clearly about this subject#sometimes i feel like i am the only one in my circle (family included) who is this worried about it still. i'm not blaming my loved ones#i'm not saying i'm better than them that's not it. i just. sometimes i just feel so alone with this#and idk how to make it better?#like i have good moments and bad moments with this anxiety. it comes and goes. but. idk.#i think her death's anniversary coming closer combined with the rising covid numbers in my country is just doing a number on me
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you know, it really IS something that after moving out of my old mold-infested apartment... my mental health VASTLY improved.
what was essentially a low level psychosis is just... 90% gone. resolved! no longer an issue!
amazing how that works!
#it did also really help that in a last ditch effort to try to treat my gi stuff#my old doc prescribed me an anti-fungal/anti-mold medication#was on that for a few months right around when i moved#and while it didn't help my guts much because it wasn't treating the right issue#it was exactly the mold purge my body needed#and while the... increased sanity... does mean i have been very disconnected from my witchy practice for quite some time now#it's definitely for the better. because i'm not feeling so unsafe that i'm looking to things i don't even fully believe exist to help me#i was SO convinced that apartment was frequently haunted#and i am SO terrified of ghosts#i don't WANT to believe in them but i feel i have to in order to protect myself from them#but that said i don't feel afraid in this apartment like i did in my old one#and when i first toured this place... i immediately felt safe here. i felt it welcome me#it was the only place i saw. only place worth seeing.#and i've been here almost a hear already#i love this apartment so much#personal
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i don’t even know what to do with myself after that. live my life? how??? frank and bill were my life for like 57 minutes how do i recover
#truly don’t know what to do i feel so empty rn#LIKE HOW IS THIS SHOW SO GOOD#the emotional impact and character building in JUST AN HOUR#they can’t keep doing this to me they can’t keep giving me likable characters with phenomenal acting and killing them in the same episode#i’m going insane#what else am i supposed to watch right now#i feel SO EMPTY AND SAD AND YET SO HAPPY CUZ THEY GOT A WHOLW LIFE#TWENTY YEARS TOGETHER HAPPY AND SAFE IN A VERY UNSAFE WORLD#no one touch me#lyriumsings txt#spoilers#the last of us
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michael brainrot but i am just too eepy to articulate any of it properly
#been thinking about how he is so. emotional.#like he was an emotional kid.. that's just not the language that was really used bc he channeled it into anger and defiance#to combat feeling unsafe and alone .. he was sensitive he could be set off easily and a LOT of that comes with trauma#but even before things got *very* bad (which i still do not think he was doing well pre bite i've talked about this) he was acting out#sensitive to feeling left out and neglected (portrayal dependent but. at least william's lack of a presence during fnaf 4 to me implies#some level of negligence) and yes he did not react to this in the right way but also he was a KID.#he buried his emotions and forced them through the channels that felt the least vulnerable#and he was bound to either just burst or shut down periodically.#and i'm focusing on when he's younger but i think he ends up very.. 'forced himself to 'grow up' as a kid#because of actively being stuck where he did not feel safe' into 'he is ''out'' (heavy quotations lmao) of that so now he's just left#with all of this baggage that he doesn't know how to deal with bc he spent so long not allowing himself to be vulnerable'#very 'but now i've find i've grown into a tall child' you know. particularly interesting when it comes to unscooped/fandomless though bc#ADDING the scooping adds even more layers psychologically he's so. i'm gonna put him in a jar and shake him around#SEE I TYPE THIS MUCH /INFORMALLY/ IM JUST TOO EEPY TO MAKE FORMAL POSTS#⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc
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Something great about adulthood is that you literally never have to be around people who don't respect you ever again. If you're unhappy with your friend circle/family? you can just leave and you'll be that much better and healthier. Don't like yourself? you can make a new self. Google is free and your life is customizable. Don't like who you are? then don't be that person lmao. You can just change. Make those choices, decisions, and meds to get you there. no one's gonna do it for you n you can't help people who don't want to be helped, which includes yourself.
n I know a lot of this takes time and money, but you gotta start somewhere. even just having a plan of action helps. Knowing what you wanna work on and who you wana be/people you want to hang out with. That's where it's at. Literally just do it. "idk if i'm ready" then do it unready. I didn't know how to move out transition pay bills dye my hair register my car move in with my partner get a better job change my name literally anything to do with a courthouse change my credit shave my face until i just. Free balled it by my damn self. No family support no pity party. I'm not waiting around for people who say sorry 10 billion times but continue to not be better anymore. Don't make yourself palatable for other people, be free bitches ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊˚⊹
#xcuse the rant. just been thinking about how much better i feel without the people in my life who were bad for me#thinking about the time i got in a fight w/ my (now) ex over thanksgiving#how i was expected to out myself to my ex's homophic transohobic bigoted family. and just be fine with it#“you have to be the bigger person“ ”It's lying to them to not tell them you were deadname and now you're Oli"#n i thought actually? i literally dont have to be around anyone who makes me unsafe bc thats the exact thing i escaped from my own family#dont like feeling like a showcase animal 'look at my trans boyfriend' so someone else can be visibly queer around me#dont like feeling like a problem that every1 else has to deal w/so poor old bigoted family wont die of heart attack bracing for my presence#made me feel like shit n i had to basically beg for an apology for over an hour bc i felt unheard hurt and unsupported.#n you know what i got told? “Thats not how it is youre wrong” after saying i feel unheard 7 times in a row. dont tell me how i feel#wanted to break up right then and there n my only regret is wanting to wait till the holidays were over#there is only so many “sorry i forgot” that i can forgive and i forgave way too many times. very convenient that things forgotten was never#once my exs identity feelings or safety#but when MY feelings MY identity MY safety and my CONSENT get forgotten about? nah man. im out of i forgive yous. it happened soo many time#i rlly dont have to be around people who dont treat me right. i dont exist to make other people better that is on YOU to be better#olive speaks
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#struggling to be here#it feels very very very very unsafe#but I can be here if I post mal things#or things that remind me of bunny#bc those things make me feel safe and like I'm holding a hand for safety#I feel so small and so scared any time I go on tumblr right now#but it's such a part of my routine I do it anyway to look at nice pictures and keep up with friends#I'm just putting everything in drafts for later u u
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Vent
#unsafe vent#I really wish I was dead#my dad is putting so much stress onto me to 'make up' with my sister#which means I gotta apologize to her because SHE read MY personal PRIVATE journal#my family doesn't want me to kill myself and I don't know why#if I was dead no one would be around to make all of you upset#God I'm losing people left and right all I wanna do is go to sleep and never wake up#my dad said such nasty things that night when I needed him#what is the point of therapy if he's just gonna shit on it any chance he gets#I love my family but I wish that they would understand#I told my dad that I was so upset that I wanted to bang my head into the ground#and he said 'you gotta control that.'#what a fucking smart cunty bitch you are!!!!!!! yes I do!!! if only I had someone I could trust to help me!!!!!!!#if I wasn't so scared of Hell I would've been dead by now#I can't even cut cus my stupid razor sucks ass#I get why people do hard drugs now lmao#I would never but the urge to snort and swallow random shit to feel something is rising#I would drink but it gets me so sick it's not worth it#I'm in such a bad mental health spot all I can think about is how easy it would be for someone to take advantage#I dunno how to describe it but it's very dark :(#the only way I can make this all go away is if once again I take the blame#I wish I was more confident I was going yo heaven so I could just end it
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i’ve gone from buying women’s pants bc it was what i was “supposed to do” -> buying men’s pants when i began my transition bc it was what i was “supposed to do” -> back to buying women’s pants because i like them better. it’s liberating but now i’m also getting anxiety abt being a (vast majority of the time) cis-passing guy in the women’s section bc i’m worried ppl are gonna think i’m a creep. bro this is a WILD feeling—i never considered that the stigma against GNC cis men and trans fems shopping in the women’s section could apply to a trans man too
#this may not be new knowledge for others but it sure is for me! what the fuck!#i don’t feel unsafe right now given that i’m in a very lgbt-friendly city#(also the target i was at still had their pride collection out so that’s a good sign)#i just usually shop online so the feeling just kinda. Hit Me today#nick.txt#trans#pride
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Ppl gotta understand that just bc you do x thing because you're mentally ill, doesnt mean your actions dont have the same effect if you weren't. Like if you've been manipulative to your friends, you cant get mad at them for not sympathizing entirely with you when you go on about how they dont accept you for your mentally ilness. Regardless of your reason, you were still manipualtive, you fucked with peoples trust. Theyre still gonna have trust issues about you even if its bc of whatever mental illness you have.
#im not saying its cool for them to abandon you but cmon. you have to consider sometimes other people and what they can handle#bc if you keep manipulating your friends or whatever theyre gonna get used to being manipulated and expect it from other people#whatever the case. people have limits. your friends have limits. im not saying theyre always justified. im not saying your friends are#never abliest. but they do have limits. and if you're yelling at them all the time about being perfect or whatever you cant exactly#be surprised when they dip out.#like for example. im a p aggressive and angry guy. clearly. if youve seen any of my posts.#ive always got something to rant about. and while im not quite as much like this irl its still a thing about me. im very very vocal about#whatever injustice i percieve happening to me or others lol. but i can understand why me being intense and angry and ready to throw hands#at the drop of a hat would make some people want to avoid me. i understand it makes some ppl feel scared and unsafe.#its not something i try to do. i dont try to make ppl i like feel unsafe. i try not to be that way around ppl w those kinds of issues#but im not gonna throw a fit and be like 'you guys are okay with bpd until i get really really angry and call you a cunt'#like... uh... yeah. i dont blame ppl like that for dropping me entirely if im getting angry all the time around them and it triggers them#and i dont seem to stop or be able to stop.#sure its not great. sure i dont want to be as aggressive and angry around anyone let alone ppl afraid of that sorta thing. but this is#the current state of my being. its something im working on. and i can understand why some ppl cant handle me right now as i am.#idk. just. shit like that man#another example. im hella hella HELLA bad at communicating via technology. unless you're in front of my face my mind just forgets we were#even talking sometimes. this naturally will cause issues. how am i gonna get upset at someone for being mad i stoped responding#in the middle of a conversation? sure i didnt mean it. this is purely unintentional. however that doesnt change the fact of my actions.#it doesnt change the fact that that person might feel unwanted. i can apologize day and night but until i actually try to be more attentive#of my phone this is just gonna keep happening yknow. how is it fair to get mad at other ppl for getting mad at you over that?
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@raiden-metal-gear-rising sorry this is a gaypos for u but it mite be more of just a rant because i am fuming (not rly i am just frustrated bc . u know why <3)
#im sur u read my previous posts abt uhhh my mom goign to visit my brother bc shes on vacation rn right . shes off til next sunday i think#but uh. yeah thats not happening bc guess what!! she cant afford it!!! because wow who wuldve thought that having to pay twice as much#money for bills + groceries would make u poorer than u already are!!!!! we are struggling!!!!!!!#and what has robynne done? nothing but PARTIALLY pay for grocieries. emphasis on *partially*#idk man its just insane. even if mom wasnt rly thinking about coming to see u we still cant bc we cannot afford it at all.......#i even said if i need to get a job i will and then added 'bceause im more willing to get one than she is' n she just looked at me#and idk man its just frustrraing . pls moeve out of ur place soon so i can leave and move in with u KAJSKLBKKLJG#i dont mean to say that to like rush u or anything u can do whatever u awant at Whatever pace u want i donot minde . it is oke#i just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! h#i have a very strong feeling im gonna be moving out before she does............................#just saying#sorey i kno this is supposed 2 be positive bc is gaypos but . i am not in a good mood i want 2 scream and throw things i think#i just want my house back!!!! im tired!!!!!! im so fucking tired man!!!!!! i m going insane!!!!!!!!#and now i just feel horrible bc rob knows i talk shit about her in vc and i just feel like i cannot talk out loud at all rn bc what if shes#fuckin eavesdropping!!! thats another thing did she just overhear me or like completely listen in on our conversation#bc if she listened in on us then thats fucked and i hope she fucks off#but if she just overheard us then idk man guess ill just have to close my door and keep it closed all the time which is something i donot#want to do !!#i dont like having my door closewd bc 1. it gets humid and 2. kitty does not like it and also 3. i just like having it open#but i feel like i cant have it open anymore bceause what if shes listening to just everything i say now!!!!!! i feel unsafe!!!!!!#get me out of here bestie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sory im just . H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im going insane ill rb this with happier thoughts in a second i just#oh i am so mad . so mad
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nothing like just moving to a new place, being unable to use the washer or use the bathroom in it bc it decided to back up from the washer twice, and also barely ever flush, and back up all over teh floor and make ur house feel and smell disgusting uwu
#my ocd is very bad right now like severely bad and i wanna tear my whole everything off right now and im afradi how ill be tomorrow or the n#next day *#no one is getting back to us and we cant use the bathroom in the house#my ocd is making me thinko if all the things i need to sanitize and wash cats and aware of all that i touch etc etc etc#i feel disgusting and unsafe in my own home and our basic need is thrown out the window#it got all over the floor and my cats ran on the contaminated floor ! love it!#im terrified of getting sick!
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Idk how to even talk to anyone anymore when it’s just the same thing in a loop over and over
#i cant tell anyone anything or ask for help cuz lets see what happens#i get hit with a generic ‘just keep going keep looking for jobs keep going’#or i get *too honest* and then ive completely drained someone of life cuz thats really all im capable of doing anymore it seems#like it seems all i do is go on some sorta monologue about how miserable i am which is pointless cuz its not like anyone will do anything#and its just stressing people out too cuz its like lol if youre helpless and have to listen to me bitch over and over to you#its either annoying as hell to hear or its guilt inducing and we cant have that now can we#and im quite frankly tired of all these options like lol the very few people i actually like and enjoy are just fuckin#nothing anymore cuz im ruining their lives and being an awful friend#its really great how youre supposed to confide in people when youre feeling like shit but then doing so ruins everything#lol what am i supposed to do now you know? i cant talk about anything except myself and my misery#and its a never ending cycle cuz im still here in this unsafe environment and im just so fucking sick#of people telling me to just keep going and keep looking for jobs cuz god bitch thats what ive been doing#and i have nothing yet and lets say i get a job tomorrow its probably gonna pay like shit#and im too incompetent to work 40 hours so if i wanna like ease myself slightly itd take even longer to have money#and its just gonna take forever to save money enough to leave and god I need out like right now#because im just gonna go insane and im gonna kill myself if im here any longer every second im here breathing#feels like im being strangled im becoming a monster too and the worst friend of all time and terribly selfish and whiny#lol i guess ive just got this dumb fantasy where ill be saved by someone who treats me nice and they take me away#and i dont have to wait or lift a damn finger i can just. be safe. and get a hug and not fear my life#im so lazy and worthless and horrible I really do just deserve to die#but i guess i cant say that. cuz then itll make everyone too drained lol
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