*noisily pulls up a chair* 🪑 do you guys ever think about what HunterCorp!Dean thought of Cas? Like he was already clearly of jealous of Dean Prime, with his cool shirts and rugged trauma, so he must have been like, ‘what! you have a hot angel sidekick too?! Lucky!’

And Dean would have just floundered and gruffly tried to shut him down like, ‘what’re you even talking about? Cas—hot…?’ *manly, sputtering deflection*

And then HunterCorp!Dean would be like, ‘oh?👀 so you’re not together then? Interesting. Very interesting…’ *slicks back his already over-slicked hair* *huffs into palm to check if breath stinks* *readies himself to make his move*

And then Dean would have internally combusted, obviously. because now he has to explain to his very queer alternate self to cool his jets and step away from his not-boyfriend because…. Because…. Well just to back the hell off okay that’s why!!! >:/

Both Sam’s just -_-; -_-; *deep sigh*

my secret galaxy brain reading of spn s11 is better than yours

or: why season 11 is good actually. this is a long-ass meta, so it's going behind the cut

some disclaimers before we get going

absolutely all of this is accidental. nobody does this shit on purpose. this is ~my interpretation~ or whatever. i'm not actually trying to argue the writers meant to do this lol. what i'm saying is that this is the way to make season 11 make sense in your brain because it makes sense in mine and it's one of my FAVORITES. it could be one of your favorites too if you stop limiting yourself

there is heavy discussion of sexual violence in this meta so read safely etc also spoilers for all of s11 obviously

unless you watched the anime, i've seen more supernatural than you have, so i'm right >:)

for the uninitiated, the basic plot of season 11 is that eons and eons ago, before there was heaven or hell or earth or humans or angels, there was only god (chuck) and the darkness (amara). amara kept destroying what god made, so he and the archangels locked her away in a cage, which removing the mark of cain from dean's arm opened. amara escaped and dean was the first thing she saw, so she spends the season using some kind of thrall over him to make him feel drawn to her and unable to hurt her, and also looking for chuck so she can give him a little payback.

ALRIGHT HERE WE GO

season 11 & sexual violence

you don't need to look very far to find examples of sexualized violence and outright sexual violence on supernatural, but s11 is lousy with it. just to name a few examples:

amara's "thrall" on dean, which we will absolutely get into more later

crowley's jokes about altar boys and the tastes of catholic priests

ALLLLL the pedophile jokes made when crowley was raising baby amara

angels torturing cas and threatening to cut his genitals off, only to send in hannah (an angel who formerly had unrequited romantic/sexual feelings for him) to play good cop(/honeypot??) in hopes of making him talk

the return of lucifer, who possessed sam (spn has a history of equating possession and sexual violence) and is heavily implied to have raped sam in hell, and the MULTIPLE times he menaces sam throughout this season, including forcibly touching his soul

lucifer possessing castiel and using him to enact violence on the winchesters, his loved ones

i absolutely REFUSE to acknowledge the lucifer/crowley stuff but if you know you know

the episode with the kissing curse, using "love" as a means to deliver death

dean's possession in the soul eater episode

the "chitters" monsters involving mating, orgies, and forcible impregnation

you get the idea

i could write a whole essay on almost all of these but for this post we'll be sticking mostly to dean & amara

@marcusantonius pointed out while we were watching season 11 that what amara does to dean is basically speedrun his two major attachments - sam and castiel. she starts out as a baby, someone in need of protection, and quickly grows into an adult who attempts to romance/seduce him. the feelings dean has around amara aren't feelings FOR HER, they're feelings he has for SAM AND CAS that are being TRANSFERRED onto her through means of her power. (this is important for later.)

what amara does to dean is sexualized violence bordering on outright sexual assault. compelling him to feel drawn towards her and to protect her, frequently getting in his personal space and touching his face, and even kissing more than once when he is quite literally unable to resist (it's stated many times that he is unable to kill or even harm her, so he is completely helpless in the presence of someone who makes no secret of her intentions for him, sexual or otherwise). 

dean says many times that what he feels for amara is not love or desire or attraction. he can't put a name to it at all - not once in the entire series is he able to properly define this thrall she has over him, which leaves us the audience a little confused (amara asking "what IS happening between us?" in 11.06 as a teenager making sexual advances on a grown man does give me a good laugh, because it was written SO WEIRDLY)... BUT we know that it is definitely sexual in nature, and not at all something dean wants to be happening.

this is addressed kind of strangely in 11.13. the villain of the week is a witch moonlighting as a hairdresser, who puts a kissing curse on her clients. the curse must be passed along like a hot potato - if you kiss someone else, it's passed along to them. if they kiss someone else, it's passed along to them. but eventually, a monster called a qareen will show up in the form of "your deepest desire" and kill you, and work its way backwards to the original curse-ee. in the episode, dean kisses the vic (i'll point out this was also technically done w/o her consent, though it was a very businesslike kiss) to put the curse on himself and protect her. the qareen takes the form of amara, and she gives Dean this little speech:

Qareen!Amara: You're a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel. Except it's cloaked in shame. When it comes to this, you can’t help yourself, so why fight it? Just give in.

then, at the end of the episode, after dean reveals who the qareen was for him, we get this conversation between sam and dean: 

Dean: You seriously think the sister of God is my deepest darkest desire? Sam: She isn't? Dean: No! She can’t be! Sam: Why not? Dean: Why? Because if she is that means that I'm… Sam: Means you're what? Complicit? Weak? Evil? Dean: For starters, yeah. Sam: Dean. Do you honestly think you ever had a choice in the matter? She's the sister of God, and for some reason she picked you and that sucks, but if you think I’m gonna blame you or judge you…I'm not.

the "shame" part of both of these is really what stuck out to me - the word itself isn't in the second passage, but dean's vibes are absolutely filled with shame. to me, this always read as being shame about the sexual violence and about the complicity/weakness that "allowed" that violence to happen. 

and as a reminder, sam is just a few episodes past the confrontation with his own rapist (he returns to the cage to speak with lucifer in 11.09 & 11.10, and canonically struggles with what happened there even after the confrontation ends). sam made a point earlier in this episode of making sure the victim of the curse knew it wasn't her fault her husband died, but the fault of the witch who cast the curse. sam is VERY emotionally intelligent, and i honestly believe that he was speaking as one survivor of sexual violence to another here. what he's telling dean is something victims often need to be reminded of: it's not your fault. you weren't complicit, or weak. you didn't have a choice. you don't deserve blame or judgment.

we've had bad guys make sexual threats at both dean and sam many times before this and a few more times after, but as far as i can recall, this is the only conversation in the entire series that even attempts to address the impact of that particular kind of violence on dean. it's short, and strangely written, but nonetheless: there it is.

season 11 & the dean in the closet

for the purposes of this post, i'm not going to go through the entire series and find examples to try and prove dean is bi and has feelings for cas. if you don't believe that then what are you doing here? we're skipping to the goods.

actually, i always got annoyed at people who read the fake-amara's speech in 11.13 (or any of the other times people spoke about dean's shame regarding amara) as being about dean's sexuality, because in my mind it was ABSOLUTELY about his being a victim of sexual violence, which was far more important to me, as it is discussed far less often.

BUT, knowing what we know now (that cas was always canonically in love with dean, and it's all but canon that dean really was bisexual), i'm willing to entertain another notion:

Sam: ...you're what? Complicit? Weak? Evil? Dean: For starters, yeah.

the "evil" bit never really sat right with me as part of the narrative of sexual violence, aside from touching on dean's general self-loathing, but it fits the narrative of being closeted MUCH better. dean, a self-hating homophobic bisexual, would probably use a similar word, if not something heavy as "evil," to describe the way he feels about other men. it's a malevolent feeling. (if you're like me and ascribe to the jackles headcanon that dean resorted to turning tricks to make food money when he was underage, we could also consider the extremely fucked up fact that almost every queer man dean's ever met is someone who hurt him.) 

dean is ashamed of who and what he is, and the way he feels about cas. living like that, that's violence. he lives violently day in and day out with that feeling. (and amara knows it. it's worth nothing that she uses cas to communicate with dean MULTIPLE times in this season, both by carving messages on his body and psychically, through his own connection to dean - and when dean "betrays" her to rescue casifer, she's horrified at whatever she sees in his head.)

equating sexual violence to the violence of being closeted

but what's amazing about this weird badly-written little 11.13 conversation (and indeed, the season-long plotline of dean and his shame) is that we don't HAVE to assign it to the purposes of being about sexual violence OR about being closeted. it can be and IS both. 

my favorite reading of this is that BEING IN THE CLOSET IS INHERENTLY A VIOLENT AND TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE. many of the same feelings are involved: shame, guilt, self-loathing. sam's comforting words to dean - that he will not be blamed or judged - are equally applicable in both cases. dean is a victim of sexual violence, and he is also in the closet, and both of these experiences are traumatic ones, and they are intermingled with each other in a big way (again, if you're into dean-turned-tricks headcanon, they are intermingled INSEPERABLY - the sexual violence being one of the direct causes of dean not wanting to accept or address his own sexuality).

the bait-and-switch

the real galaxy brain moment of this whole thing begins at the end of 11.22 (an otherwise lackluster episode that played sam's lucifer trauma for laughs how dare they ugh god whatever that's off-topic but i HATE IT) when amara and chuck finally have the confrontation she's been fighting all season for. she is attacked by witches, demons, angels, and then stabbed by lucifer himself, before she's finally on her knees before chuck, and then we get this little exchange:

Chuck: I'm sorry. For this, for everything. Amara: An apology at last. What's sorry to me? I spent millions of years crammed into that cage alone and afraid...

maybe you already know where i'm going with this. a cage isn't so different from a closet when we're working with metaphors, right? 

amara talks about her grievances with chuck many times throughout season 11 - that he was spoiled, that he created the earth to stroke his ego, that he couldn't handle her as she was. and once he finally makes his appearance he tells it his own way - that he had no choice but to lock amara away, that she couldn't stand the things and people he made, that he did it to protect people. but something about THIS conversation in particular - even though it's not written into the dialogue - gives me a particular kind of vibe. 

there is something innately, unspeakably WRONG with amara. i don't mean unspeakable as in very bad, i mean unspeakable as in LITERALLY undefinable. it's just like dean being unable to put a name to the pull she has over him. no one talks directly at it or about it, they go in circles around it, but facts are facts: amara simply couldn't be allowed to exist as she was because there was just something innately wrong with her. and it's this conversation in particular, the first one they have together onscreen, that really slams that feeling home for me.

the entire time chuck and amara are talking, the camera repeatedly cuts to dean - he is so visibly upset that the first time i watched this, i was certain he was about to jump into the middle of things and put himself between the two of them. we're meant to believe that dean has trouble hearing this because he "cares" about amara, but i have a different take.

i think it's empathy. real, actual empathy - not the kind of feeling that amara had to force out.

stay with me here. eventually, after chuck tries to lock amara away again, she gets her second wind, attacks him, and leaves him for dead - and as he dies, the sun dies with him, and so too does all life on earth. 

in the following episode, the finale, amara finds her way to a park, where she takes in god's creation, visibly upset as she realizes that his flowers die at her touch (again, hammering home the point that there is something innately wrong with her that means she cannot live in this world), and eventually speaks with an old lady feeding the birds. 

Woman: Do you want to feed them? Amara: I shouldn't. Woman: I've been feeding these birds going on 20 years now. They're practically family. And I know that makes me sound like a crazy old bat, but...heck. My husband died a couple of years ago, and my son keeps slipping me these brochures for retirement communities - a.k.a. where they send old folks to die, but not to make a fuss about it. Amara: So you hate him. Woman: Well, a little bit. Sometimes. But you know family. Even when you hate them, you still love them.

this speech brings tears to amara's eyes. what's more, she spends this entire section with her hands in her lap. after a season of killing her way through humanity to get god's attention, she is afraid to touch these birds for fear of killing them. she feels empathy for them. she and dean are connected, after all - so as soon as he began to feel true, genuine empathy - so did she.

when dean shows up to kill amara (via a bomb made out of souls hidden in his chest), she immediately clocks his plan. she practically dares him to do it, and - he can't. he is, as always, helpless against her. 

what dean does instead is talk to her. more importantly, he listens to her. when she says her brother sent dean here to execute her, he tells her chuck actually didn't want this - that it was actually his very last resort. he asks her if this, the death of everything, is what she wanted, and she tells him all she really wanted was payback. again, dean EMPATHIZES:

Dean: Yeah, that's revenge. It'll get you out of bed in the morning, and when you get it, it feels great... for about five minutes. I've been there. Me and Sam, we have had our fair share of fights—more than our share. But no matter how bad it got, we always made it right because we're family. I need him. He needs me. And when everything goes to crap, that's all you've got—family. Now you might be a—an all-powerful being...but I think you're human where it counts. You simply need your brother. 

what's really neat about this section, and the scene before it where amara confronts her brother, is that they mark the first times dean felt any sort of genuine emotion for amara at all - one that she didn't force out of him or one that he felt for someone else that she just took for herself. dean genuinely EMPATHIZES with her - after everything she's done to him and his loved ones, and to the people on earth, dean sees the humanity in her. that's kind of his and sam's M.O., loving monsters into men - the number of non-human adversaries who eventually became allies because of the winchesters’ empathy or liking for them or even just their influence is staggering. cas, gabriel, meg, benny, crowley, rowena, metatron, to name a few off the top of my head - and now amara. 

and then we get THIS:

Dean: You don't want to be alone. Not really. I mean, hell. Maybe that's why you wanted me. But deep down, you didn't really want me... 'cause I'm not him.

(emphasis mine)

and here's my galaxy brain take: dean empathizes with amara - TRULY empathizes with her - because they're both queer (or queer-coded). 

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS NUTS BUT LISTEN. this weird creepy stalkery hetero "romance" was fake on both sides all along. dean and amara are the same. that unspeakable and innate wrongness lives in both of them. they're self-loathing and furious at god for his failures and callousness, outcasts in a world that isn't for them, a world that has HURT them simply on account of them being what they are. the violence done to amara was done to her BECAUSE of this unspeakable wrongness about her - her queerness, or her queer-codedness - and we already decided this was, for the purposes of this season, functionally the same violating and traumatic experience as sexual violence.

amara's been using dean to try and replace chuck this entire season. it's some weird comphet bullshit tied in with the fact that dean was the first part of chuck's creation she ever saw. it stands to reason then that she was trying to force dean to be with her and love her the way she wanted to force CHUCK to be with her. that's part of why she started life as a baby - as someone he'd protect as he did his own sibling. 

so in some weird, warped, very roundabout way, amara was enacting on dean the violence that chuck enacted on her - making him feel the same shame and weakness that chuck made HER feel when he locked her away eons ago. if amara unknowingly replaced chuck with dean, then she also unknowingly took part of her revenge on him. the only way she knew how to love someone was to force them to do it, because the only ways she had ever been loved until now involved violence - until dean and his moment of genuine empathy.

consider this final speech:

Dean: Maybe I can kill you. Or maybe I can't. Maybe if I pull this trigger, we all live happily ever after, or maybe we die bloody, or maybe it doesn't matter, because maybe there's a different way. So I'm gonna ask you again. Put aside the rage. Put aside the hate. And you tell me...what do you want?

dean is the only person in BILLIONS of years to ask her this! one queer to another! and it turns out that and all she wanted - the ONLY thing she needed - was to be understood and accepted by her family. immediately after this, amara summons chuck to their park, and the two of them talk it out in what is genuinely a very moving scene. amara - perhaps because of her connection with dean, perhaps because she's finally admitted to herself that she does still love her brother - sees the beauty in the world now, and feels love for it, and she doesn't want to destroy it anymore. 

and at the end, after she's made her peace with god, and the sun has been turned back on, amara says:

Amara: Dean, you gave me what I needed most. I want to do the same for you.

and what do we get at the end of this episode? mary winchester, risen from her grave. dean's family. and - SPOILERS FOR SEASON 12 - though at first mary rejects dean (and sam) as being the same children she remembers from 1983, after a long and rocky road, at the end of the season, they eventually come to a reconciliation where she sees them for who they truly are. it's never ABOUT being queer because this show uses the fucking hays code when it comes to dean's sexuality, but it's still about being queer!! 

dean gave amara what she needed - acceptance from her family - and she gave him that back in turn. all it took, the entire time, was one SHRED of empathy from one queer to another. all dean had to do was recognize her - REALLY recognize her - not as a replacement for sam or cas but as who she really was. and he saw himself in her, and the empathy that followed was genuine because it was the most natural thing in the world. in the end neither dean nor amara needed the "romance" they thought they did/were forced to want. they never did. they only needed acceptance and understanding.

supernatural is always about family and the power of love, and this season is no exception.

other great parts of season 11

if you're still not convinced, season 11 is full of other things that make it amazing:

GOD'S RETURN. after SIX YEARS he's back, this is canon, we finally get to hear what he has to say. they did more with him in a handful of episodes in this season than all of season 15

also, something else returns after six years. i'll give you a hint: it glows hot in god's presence. it was last seen being dropped into a motel trash can.

and of course the big one: lucifer and sam. what great callbacks to seasons 4-6 when lucifer and what he did to sam in hell was actually scary and mattered a lot! lucifer returns to being scary in this and i can't get enough of it.

this is also inseparable from sam's arc involving his faith - he begins praying again, having visions again, and is GUTTED when those prayers and visions lead him back to the place of his worst trauma. he gets to MEET GOD this season. it's fucking insane

the inherent melodrama of castiel, someone loved and trusted by the winchesters, being possessed by someone who they hate and who has hurt them. you get all of the sam drama with him accidentally trusting lucifer with his soul and his brother's life, and all the dean drama where he watches the devil run around in his boyfriend. also, misha collins does an uncanny impression of mark pellegrino. it's actually really creepy

somehow, they managed to make metatron, a deeply hated villain by all, ACTUALLY LIKEABLE. for TWO whole episodes. it was NUTS

this season starts off rowena's long arc with lucifer and her lucifer trauma that eventually becomes the catalyst of her bonding so profoundly with sam <3 best friends forever <333

sam and dean bond with a pair of canonically gay hunters who DON'T DIE

billie is introduced in this season and she's super hot and cool and awesome

eileen is also introduced in this season. her arc mirrors sam's so well, it's SO good. i never though i'd care about sam and a girl who wasn't jess, but i care about them SO MUCH it makes me insane. if you don't love eileen you're wrong!

anyway, watch season 11. it's weird but it's really fucking good. THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK

[spn masterpost]

Hello there. I have a question (more like a thesis): What would have happened if Cas told the Truth anywhere between season 7 and 15? Do you think it would have had the same impact on Dean? Logically speaking Cas could have told him anytime.

Oh gosh, yes. I mean Dean’s reaction in season 15 is still the best it could have been really :P He was in the best place and most accepting of himself and he still had a BSOD for a moment and then Cas had to shove him away so he could go die... (Assuming you take the on screen boring presentation of what happened as canon and not throw in the reciprocation, tears, pull in for a kiss, etc that we know exists either in our hearts or on Jackles’ phone.)

I’ve been thinking about this and the parameters we’d have to apply if we were gonna get something like the show being self-healing back to its self as we know it but we were allowed a confession. Also the show has to be as punishing as ever. So these are my personal theses on each season... 

Season 7 the confession would have to be after Cas comes back, and everything in 7x17 that looked like Dean was jealous of Daphne and Meg textually was meant to be read that way in the set up for the confession. To make it the most painful obviously we still get Cas exactly as he was all through to the end of the season and he never really says anything too different but then right when they’re having the “cursed or not” discussion he’d bust out of nowhere that he supposes it is inevitable Dean would talk him into going on this dangerous mission to get Dick because obviously Cas loves him. And Dean, who is in a weirdly zen sort of place in the remaining minutes of season 7 after Bobby’s send off and final words that helped him go make up with Cas, is in a similarly season 15 oddly okay spot, mental health wise. At least. COMPARED TO ALL THE REST OF SEASON 7. But I still personally have always read it as a genuinely good place for him that could have endured much longer if not for *gestures everything that happened after stabbing Dick* and obviously making up with Cas was step one and a huge part of his process. 

(idk if you’ve noticed but 7x23 pretty much has no Sam and Dean interaction after Bobby’s send off, and their last good broments are really scarce; it feels sort of natural for abrupt calamity and no time for teary farewells in a season with a strong commentary on grief, which also hyperfocuses the attention on Dean n Cas there.)

So I think Dean would maybe be stunned but maybe quirk a sceptical smile like “He can’t mean it like that and anyway he’s currently coo-coo, this doesn’t mean anything hahaha oh Cas :)))” and then idk shake his head and move the story on and Cas just turns one longing look after him like “dammit that didn’t work out like planned” 

Anyway then the exact plot beats of 7x23 follow, exactly as seen on your screens, but we’re left going into season 8 and Carver era with Dean far far more messed up about Cas and it can force clarification in 8x02 in Purgatory where Cas is entirely adamant he meant what he meant and furious at Dean for being mad at him and Dean’s mad at Cas for all the season 8 reasons so they continue angsting at each other but Benny’s reaction shots are just 10x funnier. This is followed by Dean’s reciprocation of “I love you” instead of “I need you” in the crypt scene in 8x17 and from there honestly it’s been built up into canon in such a way that the emotional arc of the show has to go off the wheels and I can’t keep to the self-healing model to continue following the “real” plot and contain this much raw power.

Coincidentally, if the first confession is in season 8, it would be “what broke the connection” after a season 8 where nothing was different up until that point. Cas flaps off while Dean is still processing that the answer was “You. I love you.” and Dean is left yelling at the empty crypt like “What the hell, Cas?!” 

Then he’s as mad at him as he was in canon except instead of being borderline a really bad overreaction into his anger phase which we have to weather as miserable fans tethered to this ship who know sometimes Dean gets mad and yells at Cas for no reason, he’s reacting proportionately. It’s always seemed like 8x22 only makes sense if Dean is furious at Cas for confessing and fleeing except, obviously, in our “”real”” canon, it can only be like Cas confessed and Dean took it that way and also felt embarrassed how far he went with his own feelings only for Cas to run. 

This would make the bar scene with the cupids in 8x23 make a lot more sense too, and after they get the cupid bow Dean’s going to turn to Cas and give him a nervous smile, and then - Naomi flaps in like she does and distracts them away from reciprocation. 

I think this one could go long - maybe even season 13 Cas being dead and Dean being like “FUCK I never got a chance to work things out with him” and 13x06 onwards is where we get any actual work on the ship, because Carver era was so determined to be emotionally gruelling and unsatisfying and relentless from one issue to the next. And the confessions are so bound up specifically in the moments of miscommunication or failed attempts, cut off conversations etc that whether Destiel is canon or not, they’re never gonna get to talk it out under those conditions. Cas is only explicitly the grieving wife and jealous ex to Crowley’s smug take over of Dean’s affections rather than subtextually. 

The season 9 confession... I feel like we’d come perilously close to the Monkey Paw curse we once envisioned of Buckleming making it canon because they love jumping the gun on plot points and making them too obvious. So the end of 9x03, Cas is really blatantly angling to come in with a big “Hey I’m human can I live in the Bunker look at me I learned to do The Sex can we do it now” kind of vibe. All the enthusiasm he was giving to eating that burrito in the background while “Zeke” was trying to get him kicked out, but with lusting over Dean :P 

If we avoid that we can leap to Mr Bobo Berens and his first episode, and have this thing handled by a pro, as it’s already very much about Cas as a homeless queer man with a bad ex he still loves rolling into town where he’s just trying to make a new life and play straight - I mean human - for his own survival. I suspect the confrontation with Iphraim would make it really obvious that Cas didn’t just want to live as a human but had an eye for living as a human with Dean, and then he’d attempt a confession right before Dean would accidentally talk over, like, the L in “love” honestly, to tell him that sorry things do still stand that you can’t come back with me. Leaves Cas utterly devastated but Dean is none the wiser and he drives off and Cas pines piningly at the pine trees in his Gas n Sip. 

Again the end of season probably would force the real confession, since there’s a ready made moment in 9x22 where Hannah tries to force Cas to kill Dean and he gives it all up for one man. Cas can just lower that knife and be like, “No, I love him,” talking to his shoes and Hannah rather than meeting Dean’s eyes. Mark of Cain Dean is fuuuucked up at that point but we still get the moment where Dean carries Cas’s bag into the bunker and sits down with him and tries to care about his health and now also this confession. Sussing out what the heck is up with Cas, and maybe he looks like he’s playing it cool and is still so messed up but Cas is vulnerable, and finally Dean starts to reach across the library table for his hand, and it’s a moment where maybe things could have started to go better for them...... Cue Gadreel walking into the library, Dean going feral, blah blah demon!Dean, blah blah explicitly stated Drowley, blah blah muuuch healing and Cas giving Dean a wide berth for a lil while. Though, in this scenario, 10x22 is far worse but has the reverse crypt scene moment, so Dean can be more obviously unable to kill Cas because he loves him, and then he walks out, followed by season 11 and Cas being returned to them. Unfortunately. Yep. Another finger curls on the Monkey Paw... 11x03 by Buckleming would absolutely be where Destiel goes undeniably canon as it is their first real interactions post Mark of Cain. Our only consolation - directed by Jensen Ackles.

Season 10 confession, hm. Poor Cas. He has the option of 10x03, of confessing and then immediately apologising and walking off to handle stuff with Hannah (thanks Buckleming!) or the Burger Date, where Dean may be slightly less stunned stupid but still likely to laugh it off and not believe it. There’s not much heavy tension between them most of the season so it’s possible that the only time Cas would really get is to confess in 10x22 while telling Dean that he would have to watch him murder the world, and that would suck because I love you. At which point the story dictates that Dean beats Cas to paste so it’s a very bad look. Season 10 destiel confession is the worst. 

Season 11 may be better because Cas has options to be jealous of Crowley and Dean’s connection to Amara multiple times and then Casifer happens and that can really play up things in a season where a confession is coming. 

I think the Beer Run in 11x23 might be the only viable place, where Dean grabs Cas and takes him out for that drive for last drinks before the end of the world. Cas gets the “you’re our brother” thing and just lays into Dean with the certainty of someone who knows this is it - now or nothing - with “You know that’s crap, Dean. You wait until the end of the world and you can’t even say it. Well I can; I love you.” 

Cue awkward tension, well-placed interrupting Moose, and then the world very much not ending so that when Dean n Cas hug and kiss in front of Mary in 12x01. Well. There’s even more explaining to do to her. Since we’ve made it to Dabb era, I believe any confessions from this point onwards can just slot into the show as we got it from there since it’s entirely compatible to start season 12 assuming Dean n Cas are literally married and never be contradicted by the text in their behaviour. But since we’ve had canon Destiel since whenever, obviously the final episodes are good instead of. That.

Season 12... Going to have to go with the first sniff of true canon coming in Lily Sunder with just a few lines leaning even further in the Cas’s Angel Family Are Homophobic Assholes metaphor, leaving Cas’s relationship with Dean even more live wire exposed. Followed by The Mixtape Scene where Cas is going to confess to Dean and get him startled up out of his seat, accidentally knocking the mixtape to the floor and for a moment it’s like, did he throw it is he mad? but then he’s smooching Cas, fade to black, return to scheduled programming but the whole line about Cas stealing the Colt from under Dean’s pillow makes fuckin sense, as well as the fall out argument and how mad Dean was at Cas followed by how devastated he was at Cas’s death. This just means Dabb era continues as planned except we get a kiss in 13x06 under that big glowy cross, and some more smooching here and there when things are good from then on. 

Season 13... Hm. Cas has to do the confessing and I don’t think he’d throw that at Dean on return from death so unlike if Dean was the one who was being made to confess obviously the aforementioned glowy cross scene obviously would be it for him... Cas could keep that bottled up much longer, especially as he has so much to do with Jack this season. It’s entirely possible we go through the whole season and then Cas lobs it at Dean as a final card when he’s making his Michael decision and we actually see the scene that we didn’t get, where Cas has to watch Dean getting possessed. Except Dean is like, tearful and furious like why would you tell me that now, and anyway i’m doing this for you as well dumbass but fuck you but also how dare you anyway I need to be an archangel now and save our - your - son, bye. Cue Cas sitting there not just in total horror at what happened but also kicking himself for fucking up the moment :P I guess this way at least we can have that moment where Dean is un-Michaeled and tells Cas he’s going to shower and finger guns at him, and now we can have Cas wordlessly and furiously follow him. 

Season 14, we get Cas at Rocky’s bar confessing to Dean while figment!Pamela cheers the whole thing on. If there was EVER a time to use the power of love to snap Dean out of it, Cas upsetting his cosy routine with “this isn’t real, I’M NOT HERE IN YOUR FANTASY” is absolutely the time to pull a reverse crypt scene which has such low stakes in terms of neither of them needing to punch each other when Michael is an external aggressor.

My ONLY issue with this is that Sam has to witness the whole thing and we would get reaction shots and I am a weak mortal who will start cackling at them when I’m supposed to be having the transcendent moment of canon and the whole thing would be ruined just because of the way Jared gurns when doing reactions to dean n cas interacting. Wow thanks. Thanks a lot. 

I tried to be nice

Replies to this post:

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Became this:

THEM:  hi! thanks for the answers I really appreciate the discussion. normally if someone ships something I don’t like or something like that, I’ll just leave them alone but.. just to be clear I completely respect all of your opinions, even agree with some of them, even if we might disagree on the incest and Castiel haha. So I don’t mean any disrespect with this at all, please let me know if I’m out of line though!  

 But... I saw some things you said, and they come across to me in a way that I don’t think you intended? I feel really awkward sending this haha, you’re very nice and I don’t think you said anything on purpose, but I just.. wanted to let you know that some of the things regarding your opinion on certain characters come across not very well? I don’t think it’s intentional or anything, and I don’t mean to call you out at all which is why I didn’t want to point it out in the replies y’know?  

 Don’t get me wrong though, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with not liking castiel or destiel. I’ve been watching the show for a while with my dad, and he isn’t a huge fan either, I don’t think that’s a problem :) 

I’d continue without waiting for a response but I don’t want to say something you’ve already been told, or continue without knowing if I’ve said something out of line already 😅

ME:  I'm kind of distracted dealing with my Mom's rehab center. But you can keep going.

THEM: Alright! I’ve tried rephrasing this a million times but I don’t know how to make it seem not antagonistic. I promise I don’t mean that you’re doing it intentionally, it’s just, uh a lot of your criticism of spn feels like it could be read as homophobic? Again I don’t think YOU are I just wanted you to know it kind of reads that way!

That sounded so confrontational. I really don’t mean it that way 😭

ME: HOMOPHOBIC? Really? A lot of the 'proof' your fellow shippers use border on stereotypes but you think I'M homophobic? Considering my top two ships are Wincest and Malec. Yeah, sounds confrontational.

THEM:  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I guess there’s no other way to say it, but I understand why you feel accused. What do you mean by proof..?

Also I don’t really think having gay ships means you can’t be homophobic. *I* used to be homophobic years ago, and I’m a gay person!

ME:  How old are you? https://nancylou444.tumblr.com/post/154098904136/a-guide-to-dean-winchesters-imaginary-bisexuality

THEM:  yeah this is starting to get frustrating. I’m gonna be real with you, why does it matter if people think dean is bisexual? like, bottom line, that is my question for you

and your answer will determine if your veracity is homophobic. why does it matter that some people think dean is bisexual. not the fans or actors or writers or anything. why does it matter that some viewers will watch, and they will think dean is bisexual?

ME:  My problem isn't that some people think he is bi IN FANON, my problem is that they want CONFIRMATION OF A FANON SHIP. And that some people DENY how the show ended. These same people think that fake weddings are more canon than the FINAL EPISODE.

THEM:  I get what you mean, but how is it a fanon ship when it’s confirmed romantic from one side, and interpretable as mutually reciprocated in Latin America? (I’m going to disregard the bit about the wedding, because I’m a firm believer in Neil Gaiman variety death of the author. Also that’s just people having fun with fanon, who cares?)

ME:  Confirmed romantic?By whom MISHA, who wanted to sell necklaces? Have you never said 'i love you' to a FRIEND or FAMILY member? The dub is not canon, so don't even try using that as proof. Death of the author is just another way of saying MY VIEW OF THE SHOW IS SUPERIOR TO HOW THE CREATOR WANTS TO SEE IT. Jensen has said many times that the ship isn't canon and that Dean is straight. But it's better to believe what Misha says because he agrees with you. You think somebody is bi because of how they sit or the color clothes they wear? That would make YOU homophobe.

THEM:  LOL You know what? I change my answer. I looked through your blog and you ACTIVELY and viscously hate Cas, Charlie, Claire, Kaia and the implication that Jack may not be straight. You’ve said Cas coming out as gay and in love with dean makes the rest of his actions predatory, compared him to a teenage girl, called him creepy, and openly rejoiced in your idea that dean looked ‘disgusted with him’. You said that Claire is awful, that Kaia is a wooden plank, that they ‘shoved them together’ for ‘woke points’ and said that Jody saying Claire was IN LOVE WITH Kaia ‘doesnt count’ and called it ‘lip service’. And it doesn’t end there! After all this, you said that you preferred the old better s4 Claire. Is it because she was ostensibly straight? Are you uncomfortable with queer women? And then you have the audacity to use these characters (Claire and Kaia and Charlie) as reasons to epicly own the Hellers and claim they already have represention. You are a completely disingenuous bitch and I don’t care to be nice to you anymore! I don’t feel AT ALL charitable toward you anymore, and I don’t care if you have gay ships. Gay people aren’t here for you to fetishize! You CONSTANTLY mock and ridicule jokes made by queer people regarding deans bisexuality or Cas being gay or any number of things. You constantly reaffirm that Dean is straight and call people who think otherwise delusional and disgusting, while you think dean is in romantic sexual love with his male sibling. You are openly hostile to the idea of non-binary jack and were pissed that Alcal endorsed that. You devalue Jack’s value and relationship to Cas who is, textually, his father figure. I have NO reason not to think that you are homophobic. I don’t care anymore! You’re a huge bitch and, judging by your prior responses and posts, a genuine dialogue regarding queerness in spn is impossible. You regard any instance of canonically queer moments ‘lip service’ and so regard it. You actively hate every canonically gay character and degrade them using traditionally homophobic tropes and stereotypes.

Feel free to explain how you aren’t homophobic. I’m so sorry if I got the wrong impression.

ME: Wow I see your true colors have come out HELLER.

THEM:  Idc if you think I’m mean. Go ahead and make a post about me lol, have fun with it. Give me a moment to respond to your paragraph it’s... a lot to dissect.

I’ll touch on your comments about the dub and the Spanish language in a moment. First though

I ’m gonna be real with you, I don’t think you know what death of the author is. Neil Gaiman’s variety of the dead author principal is that once canon ends, the story belongs to those that consume and engage with it. That’s... also literally the theme of supernaturals final season. Anyway I really recommend you read up on death of the author and Neil Gaiman’s takes on fanon. It’s a fun way to consume your media, and in the end that’s what I’m here for.

I don’t care what Misha says, and I don’t care what Jensen says! I think they are both queer because I have eyes and watched the show. I think it’s a lovely narrative that is supported by canon, and it’s fine if you disagree with that

On your last sentence there... lol. It’s a common joke in queer circles that gays can’t sit properly, specifically bisexuals. Same thing with the clothing, it’s a SUPER common joke for example that lesbians wear flannel. Maybe you need to go outside and talk to some normal, non-incest shipping queer people. But what do I know!

And finally... ‘the Spanish dub isnt canon’

I am literally cuban. My first language is SPANISH. my entire household speaks Spanish, and my family past 1st cousins don’t speak any English. My Boricua cousins have watched supernatural in full for years, and they watch it in Spanish. Do you think America is the center of the universe? Do you think our media is somehow less than yours, that our interpretations of English language media isn’t valid? What, do you think we are idiots who don’t know how to analyze literature and media? Do you think the people who work at Telemundo, people employed as dubbers and translators, you think they do a worse job than the American crew?

Why, because they aren’t American or don’t speak English? ‘Te amo’ said to a non family member is, in 99% of any instance, ROMANTIC. it’s something you say to your spouse in serious situations like weddings!! Even MARRIED people don’t normally say te amo, everyone uses te quiero unless it is very serious or romantic in context.

All of my family who are Spanish language, they heard dean say ‘y a yo ti, cas’ and think that they were in romantic love. Sorry dude! The United States might be the center of your universe, but Latin America is HUGE. Spanish is one of the most spoken languages in the WORLD. In fact, more people speak Spanish than English. Sorry that you seem to hate gay characters SO MUCH you have to say an entire language somehow isn’t valid to consume media in!

ME: 

Obviously this heller is batshit crazy. 

Some of those things she thinks I said just show she has no idea how to follow a tumblr thread. 

You are a completely disingenuous bitch and I don’t care to be nice to you anymore! I don’t feel AT ALL charitable toward you anymore, and I don’t care if you have gay ships. Gay people aren’t here for you to fetishize! You CONSTANTLY mock and ridicule jokes made by queer people regarding deans bisexuality or Cas being gay or any number of things. You constantly reaffirm that Dean is straight and call people who think otherwise delusional and disgusting, while you think dean is in romantic sexual love with his male sibling.

Wow. 

I have NO reason not to think that you are homophobic. I don’t care anymore! You’re a huge bitch and, judging by your prior responses and posts, a genuine dialogue regarding queerness in spn is impossible. You regard any instance of canonically queer moments ‘lip service’ and so regard it. You actively hate every canonically gay character and degrade them using traditionally homophobic tropes and stereotypes.

Where have I hated canon gay characters and degraded them using tropes and stereotypes? The bitch has me confused with HER FELLOW SHIPPERS. 

Gotta love how she is defending the Spanish dub. Hit a nerve did I? 

It’s a common joke in queer circles that gays can’t sit properly, specifically bisexuals. Same thing with the clothing, it’s a SUPER common joke for example that lesbians wear flannel. Maybe you need to go outside and talk to some normal, non-incest shipping queer people.

Now who is using stereotypes? 

Various Storms and Saints Review

I’m alive! As per usual here is my disclaimer. I’m a fan in every sense, though I write fanfiction, and even some personal stories in my free time, I am in no way qualified to actually judge or critique anyones writing. Therefore, this is just a fun way for me to express what I liked about my most recent reads. Without further adieu lets get started.

This story is by @viridianatnight and can be found on AO3. 

This is going to be long, so pack in, I’ve got a lot of thoughts. First and foremost, I’m a summary kind of gal. I like to know what I’m getting into, I analyze the tags, fully digest the summary down to the punctuation. VSAS lacked a summary but the reviews were raving so I went ahead and dove head first. Man oh fucking man did she nail it. Maybe our dear author isn’t one for summaries or maybe she planned it. Every chapter had me on the edge of my seat, waiting for that final reveal, the big drop in plot, the crescendo. It was worth it. Through every guess and shot it the dark it was worth it. She delivered.

Every so often you read a story where there isn't a syllable wasted. This is one of those. From that damn pebble in a box all the way to Narcissa’s nickname for her son. My dragon? Are you joking me. 

Never before have I felt I have known Hermione. You love her, always, she's a star. But here she is human. Here she is a woman. Here is a character who I know, who I have met, who I will meet again in life. She is drowning and swimming, lost and found. She is me. She is all of us. Self loathing is so deeply tragic and for the first time that I have read, Hermione is tragic. This story is as much a romance as it is a tragedy for the ages. You watch the little girl you loved as a child, who’s character came alive on paper, start to die in front of you. Without becoming to much of a sap, the simple fact is this, if you as a woman want to feel seen go open your web browser and get to reading.

And Draco. What a man. Tall and handsome is to be expected, but multifaceted and palatable is another beast entirely--and yet here he is on screen, all of those things. His relationship with Theo is (I hate to overuse the word) human. They’re boys still, really, who love one another deeply but will never admit it without a fight. They’ll defend one another fearlessly and bite hard when confronted about it. Draco often has passion in the stories I’ve read but not like this. He has a fire inside him that burns for Hermione, for his best friend, for his mother, and even for his enemies. He is completely consumed by his love and his anger. He is almost nothing outside of those feelings. They make him as a man, good and bad. Sure he might be a touch scary but boy oh boy is he the kind of partner (and lover) we all long for. 

Before we get into the little things I want to talk about Ginny. What a star. What a friend. In most stories Hermione is cut away from the group, relegated to Slytherins almost entirely. Its wonderful to see her friendship with Ginny thrive, and even more to see it be genuine. There is sisterly love sure but Ginny puts up a fight, as every good friend has. 

Molly. You bastard. Her letter to Hermione left me gutted. Especially when she’d been so great at holding Ron accountable in the past. 

The cellphone was truly something special. The way it allowed Theo to step further into the light as a main character was brilliant. Speaking of his role, theres a happy ending! Our comic relief and great logician (seriously his wisdom is what held this all together) finally gets an ending he deserves. 

That of course launches me into another ramble. Queerness is so rarely written without angst. Seamus and Dean are just in love. There is no hardship or pain written about. They are two young men and they are in love and there isn't anything else to say about it. And the way that Theo feels no shame about being in love with a man, rather just shame that he can’t have him, its just beautiful. It’s simple and plain and perfect. 

Okay okay I know I said this was going to be long and I promise I’m wrapping up. Heres a rapid fire round before I sign off entirely. Lavenders death? Crippled me. She is a virtue? I squealed. Peace and love, I’m so sick of having to google French. So sick. So tired. I’ll keep doing it though, till the day a man calls me mon coer.

Honestly my joy is too much for words. This is one of the greats, without a doubt. Viridian, you have a gift, and I pray that you never stop wanting to share it with us. 

If you liked this review you can find my others here TRTTD | Manacled | Remain Nameless | Apple Pie and Other Amends Sorry if the links are funny, I completed traded places with my secondary blog a while back and its been weird :/

Supernatural Liveblog: 1x01 & 1x02

(Warnings for some discussion of incest, which I probably don't take seriously enough to make either shippers or anti-shippers happy)

Supernatural 1x01 reactions:

Fridge count: 2, the first within the first five minutes. When I told N & P there was another one coming up at the end of the episode their faces were hilarious

P's take on the Sam-Dean relationship is waving xer arms every time Dean speaks and asking Sam, "Why do you put up with him?"

My take, also shared by P, is that the wincest vibes are strong and also hilarious. Like if they didn't want me to see it they shouldn't have Dean angrily shoving Sam against the bridge.

IDK if N has a Take on Sam-Dean I think they're just along for the ride. They did say they could see why this show found an audience with the good-old-fashioned-Southern crowd.

Sam having A Good Time when they jump off the bridge and Dean ends up in the water but he doesn't is very fun and cute.

Dean having A Good Time when the police throw him against the hood of their car is fun and sexy.

"no chick flick moments" Dean can you have, like, HALF a human emotion please? (P: "SERIOUSLY, what does he have going for him?")( "Mostly his eyes," I say..N disagrees, citing his jawline. "Basically his entire face and his body" we settle on. P doesn't see it but is outnumbered.)

The three of us agree Jess' death was utterly unnecessarily and Sam going with Dean could have been accomplished without it.

Supernatural 1x02 reactions:

Jumpscare in the opening very startling. P may or may not have shrieked.

Sam here like "Why would you be worried about me just because my girlfriend died two days ago in the same horrific, life-altering way our mother did? Trauma? I hardly know her!"

The outfits the group of camping boys wear at the start are so dated. N points out its SO dated that it's actually come back in again as peak queer fashion: seashell necklaces, bandanas, shirts on top of shirts, flannel... Then our poor queer boys get attacked!

The instant we see Hayley, I say, "She and Dean are going to have a thing." She tells Dean she likes his car. "Oh, yep," P & N agree.

Turns out the camping boy was video chatting with his sister. "I THOUGHT IT WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND," P says. I'm already laughing hysterically because, same. "Still going all out on the incest vibes," I say. This gets even funnier when Dean starts making implicit comparisons to him and Sam (Sam says they should search for her brother without her, and Dean is like "It's her brother, no way is she going to just stay behind" while giving Sam significant looks)

Nothing really funny or exciting happens during the hunt except that Sam has been out of the game for two years but he keeps showing Dean up in figuring out what the monster is and how to beat it.

Also N was very excited to hear we were setting this monster on fire.

P seems very attached to Sam so I ask if xe are a Sam girl. "Not with that hair," xe say. (P is the youngest of xer siblings and I am the oldest; I foresee this potentially being An Issue)

Wrapping up the romance of the week! Dean tries to give Hayley suggestive looks when she says she doesn't know how to thank him, but his heart doesn't really seem like it's in it. In the end she does kiss him (on the cheek?) but then they have to go back to their respective brothers so the status quo is preserved.

Final first impression

P: I gotta say I'm actually not hating watching Supernatural.

N: I think we spent a lot of time, uh, lowering our expectations. And now we're confronted with a sort of campy genre show that is just... basically fine.

I agree with them. My first impression is that Supernatural is Surprisingly Okay.

Supernatural Rewatch 01x06

Skin

(Next Episode | Masterlist | Previous Episode)

So we start out with Sam and Dean talking about Sam’s attempts at maintaining contact with his college friends.

Dean: So you lie to them? Sam: No, I just don’t tell them everything Dean: Yeah, that’s called lying.

Interesting … considering how Dean reacts to being lied to in later seasons, it is interesting to note that he kind of has this black and white view of it while Sam is more comfortable telling people what they are comfortable hearing (look back at 01x01 and their different reactions to their dad letting them know about monsters at a very early age) Dean doesn’t like half-truths, even for other’s protections. (Not that he never lies throughout the series, this is another good idea for analysis)

Sam: So, what am I supposed to do, just cut everybody out of my life? You’re serious? Dean: Look it sucks but, a job like this, you can’t get close to people, period.

This episode we get to see more of Sam’s focus on people he cares about.

Did Sam really just ask his friend Becky to make them sandwiches?? Wow. (I know that this was to get her out of the room, but this was before “make me a sandwich” became such a big meme. It’s extra funny that they do it again in season 15 (When Deans asks the woman to leave so he can confront the Djinn) but they’re much more self-aware about it)

Dean: “One thing I learned from Dad, not matter what kind of shapeshifter it is, there is one sure way to kill it”

Sam: “silver bullet to the heart”

So they have dealt with Shapeshifters before, or at least Dean has. But maybe it was a different kind? One that didn’t shed the way this one does?

 Dean: I hate to say it, but this is exactly what I’m talking about. You lie to your friends because if they knew the real you, they’d be freaked. 

(file under – the queer coding of Sam Winchester)

Ok, I don’t know how much we can rely on the Shifter’s words about how Dean feels but, assuming we can;

Shifter!Dean: You got to go to college … I had to stay home with Dad, you don’t think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed me, where the hell where you? … deep down, I’m just jealous. You got friends; you could have a life. Me? I know I’m a freak, and sooner or later everybody’s gonna leave me.  … You left. Hell, I did everything Dad asked me too and he left me too. No explanation, nothing just – left me with your sorry ass.

 So, this tells us that Dean did have dreams of his own, that he’s thought about a life away from hunting (contrary to what he tells Lilith in Season 15). It’s also interesting because we usually see the word “freak” applied to Sam, when he realizes he’s psychic, when he gets addicted to demon blood, later when he is defending Jack. But here we see that Dean feels like a freak in his own way. He knows that he can never have a normal life, never be seen as normal by other people, so he doesn’t even try. Sam tries to have friends, tries to give them the portions of himself that they can handle, but Dean knows nobody in the normal world will be able to understand him – how he grew up, what he’s been through – so he doesn’t let anyone get too close.

In 15x07 we learn that Dean did have friends in his 20’s. Hunter friends, but still friends. He hunted with Lee while Sam was in college. So why do we never hear about him? Why doesn’t Dean call him up sometimes, or fondly remember him? (well, realistically because the writers didn’t invent Lee until they wrote season 15) But, there’s a canon reason too. Dean mentions that he thought Lee had died by the time he sees him in 2020. He obviously cared about Lee, enjoyed spending time with him, but he didn’t make the effort to stay in contact, to find out if his friend had lived or died, most likely because he was afraid of losing him. It’s easier to walk away from people than have them walk away from you. In this episode (1x06) we see Dean chooses to stay disconnected from people around him.

Sam needs people, so he adjusts himself to their expectations and their comfort, but Dean would rather have no connection than a partial one, or one that will inevitably end in hurt.

“you mean like a Vulcan mind meld?” (Ok, so Dean canonically watched Star Trek, at least enough to immediately think of this reference. good to know. For reasons) “maybe he needs to keep us alive, for the psychic connection” (Ok, maybe never mind about the shapeshifter in season 13, I don’t know if she would be able to get the thoughts of the deceased loved ones. )

 “maybe this thing was born human but was different. Hideous and hated. Until he learned to become someone else.”

Ok, so this line is said by the shifter, as Dean, about the shifter, but I want to talk about how it applies to Sam. Sam Winchester is born human, but he has demon blood. We learn in season 8 that, although he didn’t know about the demon blood or about his psychic abilities until his 20’s, as a child he felt that he was “not clean.” Not only is raised to fight and kill monsters, very unlike a normal kid, he also has this intrinsic sense of … wrongness. Additionally, he has never been encouraged by his father to be himself or to pursue his own interests. He likely doesn’t believe that anything about who he is  is good or worth anything. So, he learns to be something else. He goes to college and tries to leave his entire life behind him. He doesn’t open up about his real life to anyone, not even his girlfriend. He tries to adapt. Fit in, even though he doesn’t fit. Then he goes hunting with Dean, but he won’t tell Dean about his visions, he doesn’t open up to him. He dutifully plays the role of little brother, and hides anything that could cause Dean worry or pain. We see this repeat throughout the seasons, Sam adapting, tucking away parts of himself, letting go of his opinions, his views on things, letting Dean be right. The one time when he doesn’t do this is with Jack. He sees himself in Jack, a scared little boy who is so afraid of being evil, and he can’t watch what happened to him happen to somebody else. He has to step in, speak up on Jack’s behalf. He CAN’T tuck his feelings away this time, because it’s not himself on the line. He doesn’t often stand up for himself, but he will stand up for other people.

 Shifter: All alone, close to no one. All he wants is somebody to love him. He’s like me

Rebecca’s eyes: *THE F*** IS THIS GUY SERIOUS*

SAME Rebecca SAME

EUGH I forgot how gross shifting was.

Ok, well Dean is officially a wanted man. Wow, to go from a few torture/murders to attempting to assassinate the president. He really has beefed up his resume.

The Samulet!! Weird that the shifter took that from Dean and wasn’t able to replicate it … O.O That’s such a good little detail to let us know that it’s important.

Oh, so now Rebecca knows the truth about Sam.

Rebecca: “Will you call us sometime?” Sam: “It might not be for a little while.”

(and she was never heard from again … I imagine because Sam started to realize that Dean was right. It’s easier to stay away from connections. This is also probably a part of his growing guilt, and fear that anyone close to him will be hurt. It is interesting to think … now that she knows the truth and the fake version of him no longer exists in her mind, he doesn’t try to maintain the relationship?)

 DEAN: Sorry, man.

SAM: About what?

DEAN: I really wish things could be different, you know? I wish you could just be….Joe College.

SAM: No, that’s okay. You know, the truth is, even at Stanford, deep down, I never really fit in.

DEAN: Well, that’s ‘cause you’re a freak.

SAM: Yeah, thanks.

DEAN: Well, I’m a freak, too. I’m right there with ya, all the way. (SAM laughs.)

SAM: Yeah, I know you are.

 I know Dean means this as a playful joke, but it’s the first time we see Sam being referred to as “a freak” which will occur much more after this.

Thoughts about Spn 15x07

BEWARE! SPOILERS AHEAD!

So. This episode. Which I felt was in many ways a fanservice episode, but not in a negative way (because I don’t think fanservice has to be a negative thing in itself). On the one hand we had Sam and Eileen. Clearly the fanservice already started last episode in bringing back Eileen from the dead in the first place, but this week it became more obvious for what reason: to set her up with Sam, to make her his romantic endgame. I really felt that what had been subtext before became now text. And it wouldn’t make sense to bring Eileen back, to set her up with Sam, and then giving us a tragic ending. It still doesn’t mean we get an overall happy ending, but they wouldn’t go the lengths to bring Eileen back, mark her as romantic endgame for Sam, and then not deliver.

On the other hand we have Dean and his little trip in the past. I’m sure Christian Kane is one of the actors many fans had wished to see on the show one day (given his friendship with Jensen), so yeah, fanservice again. In many ways Dean’s trip to Swayze’s felt like a character study, because the character of Lee felt like a different version of Dean, someone he could have become (minus the monster pet obviously). Just as Sam’s blooming romance with Eileen leads to speculation about his future (and the show’s end), Dean’s confrontation with his old friend told us a lot about Dean, and where his journey might end.

But, as always, let’s take a closer look.

All you have to do is follow three simple rules

Let’s start with Dean and his trip down memory lane. The fact that he left the bunker on his own, working a case, is something Sam considers as progress, and he is right to think so. Ultimately, when it comes to the final confrontation between Dean and Lee, what sets them apart is that Dean still cares. What happens in the world still matters, his job still matters, the lives they save still matter, despite knowing Chuck manipulated them (something Lee isn’t even aware off). Last week Cas found his way back to their mission, now Dean, in time for the midseason-finale next week.

We learn that Dean and Lee used to work together back when John was still alive and Sam at college, so pre-series. It is a reminder of how much time has passed since then and how much Dean has changed since then as well. Lee represents in many ways the Dean from the past. Someone whose dream it was to own a bar, where every night seems like the best night ever, full of drinks and girls. And we can say for sure that at some point Dean shared this dream, because this is something that we saw in 14x10, in the happy dream Michael had Dean trapped in. There he had owned Rocky’s Bar, though it was clear that he had financial trouble and that it wasn’t nearly as full as Swayze’s. And speaking of Swayze’s, it is clear that Dean and Lee share the same taste in movies.

There was some obvious queer subtext as well, where Lee was presented as the ex-lover, a reminder of the good old days, who prevents Dean’s current lover (Cas) from calling him. Earlier we had the sheriff complimenting Dean on his good looks, and we saw Lorna trying to flirt with Dean several times, but with no response. And of course we see that Dean can in fact in sing, when he previously had claimed he could not or sung bad on purpose. We are yet reminded again that Dean puts up a persona, especially around his brother, with the genuine Dean lying underneath.

There are also some signs that Lee’s story doesn’t add up, if you look close enough. He says that after his last hunt he scrounged up what he could and bought the bar, but we know that most hunters barely get by, and obviously we later learn about the real source of his money. Second, he doesn’t seem to be a very good hunter, once Dean brings up the case. He seemingly doesn’t recognize Angela, despite her being a regular at his bar. He suggests the lake as a hiding place for the car, when the junkyard is the more obvious choice (and a little nod to our Bobby). Both times Lorna messes things up for Lee, who symbolically stands between the two men the entire time.

It’s been a while that a human had been the actual villain and that we saw one of the Winchesters kill another person. But to Dean the question whether Lee is a monster or not is obvious. Angela was, as we learn, a good girl. There is simply no justification why Lee chose her as a victim, other than that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Furthermore Lee defends his actions that after everything he had done as a hunter he deserves this life, full of fortune and good health. The life as a hunter left him disillusioned; there is so much evil in the world that it doesn’t matter what they do. In fact it doesn’t even matter if he himself does a little evil as well.

And this is the complete opposite of Dean. Dean who still cares, despite having seen the bigger picture, despite knowing the truth about Chuck. Dean who cares about the little people, who thinks that every life he saves matters. And who doesn’t do it for the fame and the glory, who doesn’t think it entitles him to anything, but who does it because someone has to, because despite everything he is still a good person. And of course Dean wants more (always has), and he asks Lee if he has ever regret leaving ‘the life’ behind. And wonders who else is going to care, who else kills monsters and saves lives if he doesn’t. Lee’s answer is that someone else will, which actually reminded me of Sam at the beginning of season 8, who back then had left ‘the life’ behind as well, justifying that someone else would do their jobs.  

And this is interesting when we look towards the show’s end, and where Dean’s journey will end. Because as obvious as Sam’s romantic endgame is with the return of Eileen, it looks like Dean will choose a different path. Lee represents Dean’s past, therefore Dean’s wish to leave ‘the life’ is in the past as well. He can’t stop hunting, because he knows what is out there, because he cares too much. So what does that mean for the brothers? Will they go separate ways, Sam starting a new (domestic) life with Eileen, while Dean still hunts? (Maybe with Cas?) Will Dean perhaps die, but just as Lee he chooses his moment of death? It is still too soon for speculations like this, so just consider me throwing around ideas.

Rubber Soul

I already wrote about Sam and Eileen and the significance of Eileen’s return and what it might mean for Sam’s future, so I leave it with that. And despite Cas having the worst timing (he learned from the best: Sam), I’m glad Cas and Eileen finally meet. Soon they are going to start a self-help-group for people who date Winchesters, I’m sure of it.

There isn’t actually much to say about Sam’s rubber soul. I admit I kinda forget who Sergei is, though it is obvious he doesn’t know Cas very well, otherwise he would have known that Cas would never hurt or even kill an innocent girl. Sam’s connection to Chuck’s memories was a means to an end, finally giving them some insight and some sort of upper hand, ready to make their move next week. What is interesting however is the mentioning of Death and Death’s key, that can open the door to Death’s library. The last time we saw Billy, she was in the Empty with Jack. So it is very likely we will see both characters return and that said key/the library will become important in the future.

Until then <3

This is late, but i answered these questions at the end of 2018 so wanted to do it again for 2019

what did you learn about yourself this year? How i am destined for a life of depression and disappointment bcos my morals and mindset will never align with our capitalist, racist, sexist, homophobic society and don't see how i will ever feel fulfilled in a job but we have to make money to survive so... and how crucial it is to be a feminist fucking killjoy and spread the feminist queer agenda, but how I'm way too shy to actually speak up on the spot almost always lol best moment of the year? Idk.. like time spent in nature?? I feel like looking back all my happiest moment this year were when i was surrounded by plants. Also my birthday was really nice but i was too drunk to really remember a lot of the evening worst moment of the year? Moving to Mark's, finishing my masters, shit with ex what was the biggest change you experienced this year? moving out of my house i lived in for like 10 years (still not really processed that that isn't my home anymore?), spending some time living at my dad's again for the first time in 10 years (not exactly desirable) best song of the year? I really loved gone by charli xcx & Christine & the queens best album of the year? It didn't come out in 2019, but BY FAR my most listened to were camp cope's 2 albums, I'm OBSESSED what’s one thing that happened this year that you want to change? Not move, not have my ex be a suicidal low key alcoholic, not finish my masters bcos i miss it so much, not have stayed in my shitty retail job for so long bcos it was honestly so shit best book/book series of the year? Against Memoir by michelle tea was amaaziiinggg. I still haven't read a fiction book in THE LONGEST time, I've read some nice poetry? And read so so so much increbidle feminist theory, favs are probz an archive of feelings, and depression a public feeling both by ann cvetcovich, the cultural politics of emotion by sara ahmed, whipping girl and excluded both by julia serano, gut feminism by elizabeth wilson, sister outsider by audre lorde and any essay i read by ulrika dahl best television series? accidentally got hooked on love island in the summer oops. Tuca and bertie was good, last series of broad city wasn't as good as the others but great way to end it, THAT SERIES OF OITNB WAS AMAZE, idk i haven't had much time for tv or got really into anything how was your love life this year? um, so i was with jay all year until he moved back to america in the middle of September... it was um.. interesting? eventful, stressful, but had its nice parts too?? there wasn't much sex, and when there was he was mostly drunk and forceful which wasn't nice, but he also had a lot of dysphoria and a lot of reliance on and problems with alcohol, ummm he got on with all my friends and family, that always felt very easy and natural, but there were so many communication issues, he wouldn't be open with me about his mental health, i felt obliged to stay with him bcos he didn't really have anyone else in the whole bloody country, i felt a lot more like i was responsible for him and looking after him. Since he moved back i guess I've just spent time reflecting and healing? what made you cry the most this year? I probably cried maybe like 5 times? Idk i don't cry bcos i don't go to therapy anymore ha biggest regret of the year? Maybe not being confrontational enough with jay about issues but also i always knew he was gonna move back to america so i thought it was more hassle than it was worth bcos like it always had an expiry date? And i guess i regret not making better friends with other people on my course bcos out of people on my course, i only really saw jay outside of uni best movie of the year? It chapter 2 maybe? Or frozen 2 😂 favourite place you travelled this year? Idk that i went anywhere new...but best trip was Edinburgh did you make any new friends? Linden & Dean from the theatre i work(ed) at, i actually love them, they're fab did you learn anything about your sexuality this year? maybe i could be with a cis guy??? Idk. I don't think i want to be. And i felt and still feel really uncomfortable calling jay my (ex) boyfriend bcos it's read as a straight relationship and I'm often read as straight but i just want to be like I'M SUPER QUEER BTW but then is that invalidating his gender maybe idk???? Against memoir had a good but kind of problematic essay in it on dating trans men as a queer woman bcos like your relationship inherently is not straight and is inherently queer but you're read as straight and it's uncomfortable and confusing and not something you ever really have the space to talk about and not something people really understand. And a few of the people I've dated or had a thing for have since come out as trans men or non binary and like why am i never attracted to binary 'normal' people, and am i fetishising othered genders? It's complicated init. what are some hobbies that you developed? I sort of learnt how to crochet but I'm not very good what surprised you the most this year? how unhappy people can be who appear so fine from the outside, how well i can tolerate people having a breakdown and trying to hurt/maybe wanting to kill themselves... nice. do you look different from the beginning of the year? more prominent frown lines. Worse hair bcos the fucking shower broke so I've spent 3 months only washing it with a jug how did this year treat you in general? Ups and downs. Mostly happy to absorb myself in knowledge and learning. Now stuck in another boring arse job bcos how does one make any money out of non commerical art and feminist academia!? what message would you give yourself at the beginning of the year? watch out, look after yourself, love your support system has your fashion style changed this year? I bought the best 2 cat jumpers and i love them dearly and wear them a lot one of the best meals you’ve had this year? A trip to blacks burgers with massive flip pot milkshakes i went to with joe stands out who has made the biggest impact in your life this year? Jay what’s one thing that you hope will continue next year? I need to stay in academic feminist circles, I've been out of uni for nearly 5 months now (oh fuck) and feel so deflated again bcos it's just so irrelevant to the real world... but it's not bcos it's all this theory about how much the real world sucks, but what i mean is like it's impossible to change anything and it's really disheartening. Like someone wrote into work complaining about the lack of diversity in the collection, and someone else wrote about how the talk on fanny eaton wasn't marketed towards the afro carribean community at all, and part of my job is to respond to emails and i wanted to be like YAAASS LET ME GUSH ALL OVER HOW RIGHT U ARE AND HOW SHIT INSTITUTIONS ARE but like, I'm speaking on behalf of these institutions and have to make this basic formulaic bullshit response and it's HORRENDOUS

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child has thrown me into the deep end. On pretty much every possible level. And I’ve got a lot of opinions!

Disclaimer: I’ve somehow avoided spoilers of all kinds for 2 years until finally snagging tickets the show in NYC. And the following is spoiler-laden, so beware.

For some reason, this play (and rewatching CALL ME BY YOUR NAME last night, I’ll admit) has dredged up a feeling that I don’t know if I even have the ability to name, but let’s just call it a stark emptiness? I’m feeling more lost than ever for a number of reasons and being in this reflective, nostalgic (does “nostalgia” have to have a totally positive connotation? It doesn’t exactly have a positive connotation here) place, my younger Potter-obsessed self is confronting my current skeptical-critical-self and asking: what happened? How are you still this lost and lonely? How have you managed to spin your proverbial tires in the mud for this long? There are still tires to spin?

The feeling that this play exudes is warmth and nostalgia...and it’s totally done a number on me in that regard. I can so clearly see 10 year old me waiting in line at midnight for a new adventure with Harry & co and then devouring it in the next few days. This is the first taste of that in a while - and while the story itself isn’t exactly up to par - the experience of this play has taken me right back.

That feeling of being a part of something, being the outsider who makes all the difference, becoming familiar with a place and group of people. It’s the warmest, fondest memory that only the films have ever come close to touching, and along comes this play.

Reading the novels growing up, I, like everyone, identified with attributes of any number of characters. But there was never one that totally clicked with where I was in my Growing Up Journey (this is a lot to ask, I KNOW). I was on the outside looking in like Harry at times, frustrated with friends’ lack of commitment or knowledge right alongside Hermione, but observing it all with a humorous slant at all times like Ron. But there’s something just one layer deeper that was left untouched in me. The female characters eventually pine for the boys, male characters eventually play Quidditch to impress the girls; love potions, charms and elixirs abound. And this was about the time in my life when my muggle world was beginning to reflect that - but I was more lost at sea and clueless than I ever could’ve imagined.

I’ve come such a long way in those 15 or so years - owning my sexuality and identity (to an extent). I, like so many, still struggle with feeling whole, feeling seen, feeling like I’m on the right path or any path at all.

Harry Potter’s fantastical elements spun with the specificity of character and warmth is what has drawn billions of people in for over twenty years now, but I think this play is causing me to confront the fact that I wasn’t ever really a part of the universe. Of course, all readers are on the outside looking in, but let’s be real: it’s way easier for a straight girl to be a “total Ginny” and a nerdy boy to be a “Neville,” than it is for a little queer boy like I was to do the overtime work and wire-crossing in order to resolve to be a bit of “a Padma” with a spramp of “Dean Thomas” crossed with a “Molly/Tonks” combo.

And along comes this play. These two boys, Scorpius and Albus, the sons of our original protagonist and antagonist, forging a friendship 20 years later. And they’re gay. They just are. They are flat out queer and seek refuge in each other and there’s no question about it. I can’t speak for how it reads on the page, but in its staging, CURSED CHILD has the ache, the rage and the longing stitched into the fabric of the show. Yes, this applies to the parent’s relationships with the kids, but we’re focusing on the queers at hand here.

These boys have been dropped into the Potter-sphere and whoever dreamed them up cannot turn back now. Whether or not they intended this (how could they not have?) sensed a need for a whole other type of outsider to be spoken for in this universe. In Scorpius, in particular, we have a boy who cannot contain his outbursts and refuses to hide what brings him joy: books and Albus. There’s no denying this, it’s plain as day onstage. The sequence in which Scorpius is being kept away from Albus, of Harry’s volition, the torture that this causes him seeped into my pores and twisted my stomach into a knot that drove me to sit down and write now. 

We’ve followed them from their first meeting, through the development of their friendship - spurred by Albus’ choice to befriend Scorpius and Scorpius alone. They’re a duo, rather than his father’s trio, already avoiding history from repeating itself. With the introduction of “Delphi Diggory,” we fill the void that’s being created by the tension between the two boys. Slow them down a bit and give them a mission, give Albus a bit of a love interest - infuriating Scorpius. Delphi [spoiler] then eventually leads them to their probable demise, which scraps any kind of romantic promise between Albus and Delphi, allowing Albus to refocus on Scorpius.

Scorpius’ major arc across the two plays is risking everything for Albus - something we’ve seen over the course of the other Potter novels, but in much different terms. The friendship between Ron and Harry, for instance is given the weight of a close male bond that never broaches anything more. The addition of Hermione completes the set and diffuses any weirdness there. But the intentional decision to leave Scorpius and Albus as a pair to begin with is already suspect. They crave each other’s company in a way that we’ve never seen explored in a male friendship here. When it seems that Albus might be lost to time forever, this is the moment we see Scorpius really kick into high gear and makes it clear that he’s willing to risk his own life and suffer through the worst version of the world imaginable to get his “friend” back. The extended hugs and awkward discussion of them afterwards, the love in their eyes and motives as instructed by the stage directions - it ALL adds up to lead to an infatuation and interest that lies beyond the male bonds that we’re used to in Rowling’s writing.

And then along comes the end of the second play. Our hands are swatted away. Our instincts are laughed at. The rug is pulled out from under our feet and this carefully, tenderly crafter courtship of sorts evaporates with the introduction of ~hetero infatuation~. Not to say that these boys couldn’t fall on the spectrum of sexuality and, in turn, be exploring that - but the aggravating part of this situation is that the women presented to these boys as the objects of their affection are just that: presented. Props. Devices. I don’t believe they’re brought along maliciously, but their presence is an insult to the queer audience at large’s intelligence and the Potter World women’s agency. The laziness in the writing of these sudden bursts of need for female attention - when as far as we’ve known, all they’ve ever needed was each other - leads me to believe that the suspect relationship between the boys is something the writers became aware of or were made aware of and then proceeded to hastily erase after roughly 4.5 hours of play.

Obviously, this has eaten away at me and really done a number on my perception of Rowling’s world and intentions. But the thing that would cause me even more pain and distress, is the thought of some little queer seeing or reading CURSED CHILD and seeing themselves in one of these boys in a way that the original series never gave them the opportunity to - only to have their hopes and instincts squandered by an all-powerful voice declaring otherwise. 

Let these boys be queer. Let them have a moment of intimacy without commentary. Let them have the love story that other characters have had bestowed upon them. Don’t dangle this in front of a hungry audience and tell them they’re reading this wrong - we’re told that more than enough in our lives. I can’t imagine the strides, no matter the size or form, I would’ve made in my life with a character to emulate and identify with and get angry with and look up to and grow up with in that way. 

I don’t see giving a queer child agency as “sexualizing” them or “putting something on them.” When a character has these inclinations and the material is just brimming with opportunities to explore those - WHY NOT. It baffles me that we’ve been strung along for years on end with character backstory reveals - with minimal contextual details to back them up - in the Harry Potter world. And here we have a perfect opportunity to get ahead of the hypothesizing and preparing to explain later - do it NOW. Engage an eager audience before they’re disinterested and frustrated. We’re starving for these characters, especially in this world which could so easily lend itself to queerness but has never done the real work. It’s more than warranted to give the queer audience a taste of what it’s like to be seen in a beloved story that has taken on such an enormous life that we all feel ownership over a piece of it. That alone warrants the authorization of queer narratives. We’re right here and tired of being pushed away and teased.

Gay Homophobia

“(...) Gay men’s homophobia may sound oxymoronic, but it’s increasingly apparent in a culture that prizes masculinity and derides campness. You can see it when gay men who conform to stereotypes by worshipping Beyoncé, quoting RuPaul or dressing flamboyantly are met with a wince or said to be letting the side down (...). Increasingly, it appears that the divide is no longer between heteros and homos, but gay men who separate into ‘camp’ and ‘straight-acting’, a term that implies a degree of posturing. Take Giorgio Armani’s recent comments. The designer, who was in a long-term relationship with architect Sergio Galeotti until the latter’s death from AIDS in 1985, said in an interview in April that ‘a man has to be a man’ and gay men ‘do not need to dress homo-sexual’ (...). Two weeks earlier, the gay actor Russell Tovey had caused a similar furore when he spoke of his relief at attending a tough school that allowed him to escape his destiny as a ‘really effeminate, tap-dancing freak’. (...) Comedian Alan Carr has said that ‘the most homophobia I get is from gays’. Camp-shaming isn’t reserved for celebrities [only]. I have a friend, (...) who says he’s had men approach him in bars, only to ‘tell me that I’m too camp as soon as I open my mouth’: ‘It’s depressing to see gay men attacking each other, when we should be allies.’ Queer performance artist Scottee — who hosted a variety showcase called Camp (Live!) — admits to feeling shunned by the gay scene. (...) The strapline for the gay scene is ‘no fats, no femmes’. Where (...) [c]omments such as ‘If I wanted to go out with a girl, I’d date women’ abound within gay circles and feed the notion that to be camp is to be intrinsically unsexy. What’s behind the phenomenon? (...) Matthew Todd, editor of Attitude, (...) suggests that such prejudices have a similar root when expressed by gay people as straight: ‘Gay people grow up hearing the same messages that straight people who end up being homophobic hear,’ he says. ‘There aren’t magical ear plugs that gay kids are given to stop them absorbing society’s homophobia, so naturally they internalise it.’ ‘In our society we have these fixed gender norms, which we’re expected to abide by,’ agrees Guardian columnist Owen Jones. He believes that the root of gay camp-shaming lies in a pervasive sexism resulting from gendered expectations. He draws comparisons with how feminism benefits men, by freeing them from restrictive norms, and how a decrease in homophobia would similarly benefit straight men. ‘I’d go as far as to say that most homophobia directed at young men growing up is directed at straight men. Straight men who are seen as not athletic or aggressive enough are dismissed as ‘poofs’. The biggest killer of men aged 18 to 50 is suicide, partly because men are afraid to seek help for fear of being seen as weak or effeminate.’ William, 29, a gay graphic designer, tells me he ‘can’t stand the spectacle of Pride’ because ‘all those men dancing on floats don’t speak to me about my life. Most of my friends are straight; I hate the idea of them thinking all that glitter and camp has anything to do with me. I find it all quite embarrassing.’ This embarrassment, says sex and relationship therapist Dr Joe Kort, may be rooted in gay men’s often complicated relationships with their own masculinity: ‘Gay men are taught from a young age that they are not manly enough, inferior and wrong. There’s a tendency to become hyper-masculinised and express prejudice toward other gay men who don’t ‘pass’ as straight.’ This isn’t, he says, a phenomenon unique to gay men: ‘We see this in other minorities, too — it is called lateral discrimination. Unconsciously, we do to others what was done to us.’ Todd adds that apps such as Grindr, rather than connecting the community, are contributing to its division by fostering camp-shaming. ‘If you’re looking for a relationship, you aren’t expecting perfection. When you’re just looking for sex, you want the fantasy — and that’s when people become obsessive about wanting straight-acting or masculine men. It puts unbearable pressure on everybody. On top of this, if you don’t like that you are slightly effeminate or camp, and you come across people who are even more so, that can trigger your own shame. (...) What can be done about this? Jones says he has an ‘unashamedly positive view’ when it comes to the progress made by gay people. The hope is that as homophobia in the world at large decreases, it will have a knock-on effect for young gay people, who will naturally internalise less shame and be less prejudiced towards each other. This may already be happening, says Todd: ‘I think there’s a growing awareness that bars and clubs aren’t enough and gay people need a sense of community. There’s a movement — visible in the emergence of discussion groups such as A Change of Scene at the Soho health clinic 56 Dean Street — where we confront issues that gay people don’t talk about. The more these issues are out in the open, the easier they are to resolve.’ (...) In the short-term, LGBT activist Peter Tatchell suggests becoming more conscious of how personal prejudices affect behaviour: ‘There’s nothing wrong with having a preference for masculine men. What’s wrong is the disparaging way camp men are often put down, ostracised and dismissed.’ And if more gay men can begin to recognise and confront their own homo-phobia? Well, then that’s something we can all be proud of.” — Joe Stone. “Does London have a homophobia problem within the gay community? (2015)” Standard Magazine.