#Crowley has CPTSD and so do I | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

knaccblog · 8 months

Text

Ready Now

"Aziraphale has told Crowley he loves him, many times by now and showed him that he loves him many more times as well. But there are still years and years of rules and habits learned through their long association that are complete rubbish now, harmful even. It's going to take awhile to sort them all out." aka Crowley and Aziraphale are both messes but they love each other so they're going to work it out. Also available on A03

One action packed road trip and one world saved (again) later, Aziraphale and Crowley are finally back in London but things are very different than before. For one, Heaven and Hell are officially and forever off their backs. No more being technically traitors or ex-employees or anything, just a miraculous and permanent severing of their individual allegiances (without any real change to their state of being) and a promised immunity from any further meddling. It was a bit dizzying to think about, to be honest, so often Aziraphale would not, instead choosing to focus on the most exceptional, truly unbelievably wonderful thing that had happened along the way which was that Crowley had accepted his feelings (once Aziraphale had finally found his courage and told him) and returned them eagerly with words and kisses of his own. There may even have been a slight drizzle happening throughout the whole confession that was neatly blocked by a nearby apple tree, though to be honest, the details of everything besides how it felt to hold Crowley in his arms were a bit fuzzy.

They'd been home for about three days so far (and by home, Aziraphale means holed up in his bookshop) and they'd gotten up to all manner of things that Aziraphale had barely ever even hoped to try together. He'd even, after a bit of convincing, attempted sleeping, which he'd found enjoyable enough, at least on a short term basis and as long as Crowley was curled tightly around him. This morning had started much the same way as any other had since their return; lots of kissing, breakfast, more kissing, talking about some inane subject for hours on end, kissing and so on. Aziraphale had been assuming that the terribly similar morning would roll on, transforming into a terribly similar afternoon when, to his surprise, a knock had come on the bookshop door while Crowley was in the back finding more wine. Aziraphale had nearly sent whoever it was away when he'd just heard, barely audible through the heavy wood and glass, the declaration that they were, in fact, from the International Express Delivery Service and had a package for a Mr. Fell that required a signature if at all possible.

Aziraphale had sprung up, hurrying to catch the delivery person before they slipped away with a book that he'd ordered nearly two years ago now that had somehow, between the pandemic and a surprising chain of postal mix-ups, miraculously gotten waylaid just long enough to arrive at the bookshop very close to his own permanent return to it. Funny old world and all that. To be honest, until that very moment, Aziraphale had basically forgotten all about it but the instant he opened the package, he felt his breath catch in his throat. The cover, a beautiful, polished crimson leather and it's contents, pages and pages of detailed facts about snakes paired with equally detailed gouache paintings of them were collectively even more stunning than they had seemed in the auction catalog all those years ago. He'd opened the book reverentially to the beginning and, without looking up, drifted his way carefully through the familiar obstacles of his bookshop and over to his couch. This was going to take some seeing to, he was certain.

****

Aziraphale looks up some time later from a particularly stunning illustration of a Red Bellied Black Snake to see Crowley pacing around the bookshop aimlessly. He tilts his head. "Is there something going on? Perhaps something you need to do, my dear?"

Crowley's gaze snaps up to meet Aziraphale's as he stops pacing. "Right, I'll just- get out of your hair then?" Crowley puts his sunglasses on and starts to head towards the door.

Aziraphale feels a sudden rush of panic. Something seems off. "Crowley, wait!"

Crowley stops dead in his tracks and turns back to him. "What?"

"I-" He waves a hand in little circles. "I don't understand what's happening. Do you have something else you need to do or not?"

Crowley grimaces. "Technically... no."

Aziraphle sighs. "Then why are you leaving?"

"Well," Crowley shrugs, "you're busy-"

"Ahhhhh of course!" Aziraphale nods and smiles. Now he understands everything. How long had it been since he'd even looked up from his book? An half an hour, maybe an hour even. He hadn't meant to get so absorbed really. Crowley must be going mad. He wonders why he hadn't just wandered off all on his own really. Perhaps he hadn't wanted to leave without saying anything but he also hadn't wanted to interrupt Aziraphale? Crowley always had been terribly considerate of him. "Well," he smiles, "Just make sure to take the keys when you go then?"

Crowley's mouth flattens. "Right," he nods stiffly, his tone brittle. "Wouldn't want to be in the way." He heads for the door faster this time.

Before he even quite knows what he's doing, Aziraphale's snaped and the door becomes temporarily uncooperative. Crowley gives the handle a little tug and then sighs.

Aziraphale's stomach sinks. He's a fool. It's suddenly quite clear that he'd been nearly completely wrong with his previous theory. Luckily for him, he's starting to see the shape of it now. There must be a second conversation happening, one he can't perceive, that's making Crowley very upset. He sighs and squeezes his eyes closed. "Crowley, I don't know what I said but please just talk to me. I can tell you're quite upset."

Crowley jiggles the door knob one more time and then turns around. Even in the sunglasses, he won't meet Aziraphale's eyes. "It's just, I've been here what, three days? And you started reading and I figured, ya know, that was my sign to go. I mean, you're bound to get sick of me sometime. I'm just trying to, mmm, keep ahead of it. Stay out of your way."

Aziraphale's chest aches at that and he frowns. "Crowley, I love you-"

"Right," Crowley snaps, "and we wouldn't want you to change your mind about that now, would we?"

Aziraphale feels like he's been punched in the stomach. He closes his book completely and sets it on the arm of the couch. "Alright, that's enough of that. Come over here right this instant." His face is stone and his tone brokers no argument.

Crowley squirms as if fighting himself and then goes limp. "Fine, since you haven't given me much of a choice." He saunters over, his feet dragging a little. "Here?" he says, standing in front of Aziraphale, his tone a bit mocking though which of them he's making fun of isn't clear. (Probably himself)

Aziraphale shakes his head and pats the couch next to him. "Here please."

Crowley visibly rolls his eyes, even in the sunglasses, and then plops down, a wild sprawl of limbs, "And wh-"

Aziraphale reaches across and grabs Crowley by the far shoulder, pulling him rather effortlessly down so that his head is now resting in Aziraphale's lap. Crowley's jaw falls slack and his cheeks darken just slightly.

Aziraphale immediately tangles a hand in Crowley's hair and lets out a contented sigh. Ever since they'd gotten together and he'd started getting to touch Crowley whenever he wants, doing this had always made his heart skip a beat. Somehow it's even more lovely than he'd always thought it would be. He hopes that someday he'll get to feel it at all of the wonderful lengths he'd missed out on touching over the years. "I love doing this." Aziraphale beams down at Crowley as he continues to run his fingers through his hair. "Do you like it as well?"

Crowley stumbles for a moment before finally getting out, "Mmmmm yeah. Course I do." He smiles a little shyly and looks away. "I- I don't know what this has to do with anything?"

Aziraphale sighs and meets Crowley's eyes as best he can with the sunglasses. "I need you to understand something: I don't really ever want you to go away. Like of course we'll do separate errands sometimes or you'll get bored and go for a drive or I'll go to a book sale and you won't want to come. Or perhaps you and Muriel and the girls will go to some loud concert and I'll stay home. And that's normal and fine. I'll even be happy you're having a good time without me. But I am never going to be gladdened by just your absence, you understand? I'm always happiest when you're here with me."

Crowley swallows. "You can't mean that-"

"Do I sound like I'm joking?"

"Well, no but-"

"I have spent enough time playing coy and pushing you away and I'm sick of it. But also," Aziraphale frowns, "you have to talk to me. I am, unfortunately, not a mind reader."

"Honestly, that's for the best," Crowley says, under his breath. "Don't know what I'd do if you'd been reading my mind all these years and just never told me. Discorporate out of sheer embarrassment probably."

Aziraphale rolls his eyes just slightly.

"Right, sorry, what do you want to know again? It's just the," he gestures at his own head, "fingers are a bit… distracting and all."

"I can stop-" Aziraphale teases, ceasing his gentle touches for just a moment.

"Don't you dare!" Crowley's hand flies up as if to grab Aziraphale's wrist.

"Fine," he smiles and resumes his caresses. "I wanted you to clarify why you were so upset. Did I do something?"

"Nnnn nah," Crowley shrugs. "I mean I already said it, didn't I? You were reading and I didn't want to be in the way."

"And that's it? Nothing else?"

"I mean," Crowley grits his teeth, and then frowns. He looks like he wants to run away again. "In the past," he says, voice small, "you really were asking me to go? When you'd do that."

Aziraphale frowns. Of course he's right. Aziraphale is aware that he'd often pushed Crowley away over the years. That's why he'd tried to be crystal clear on how he feels about Crowley being around now. He just really hadn't thought about how confusing this new state of their relationship could possibly be feeling from Crowley's side. Aziraphale has told him he loves him, many times by now, and showed him that he loves him many more times as well. But there are still years and years of rules and habits learned through their long association that are complete rubbish now, harmful even. It's going to take awhile to sort them all out.

Aziraphale nods. "Right, I see. That is why I started by saying what I did. But perhaps… what if I promise to tell you directly if there ever does come a time when I do need you to go for some reason? No more you needing to read between the lines?"

Crowley quirks an eyebrow, his voice hesitant. "You think you can do that?"

"I can very well try," he sits up a little straighter.

"Alright, so from now on, I just what? Have an open invitation to the bookshop and you just want me milling around whenever I want to be, yeah?"

"That is the idea, yes."

"Well alright then," Crowley looks stunned. "I'll… do that then." They sit there in quiet bliss for a moment before Crowley adds, "Not to look a gift horse in the mouth but uhhhh, why exactly are we sitting like this?"

Aziraphale startles. "Oh yes! Sorry about that. My idea, if you'd be amenable, is that we could sit like this while I read. I thought it sounded… nice." Aziraphale smiles shyly.

Crowley opens and closes his mouth a few times before he says, "Mmmm yeah, that could work."

"Oh good," Aziraphale beams down at Crowley.

The corners of Crowley's mouth turn up just slightly.

"You don't think you'll find it too boring?"

Crowley takes off his sunglasses and tucks them into his jacket pocket. His small smile gets a bit larger. "I think it'll take me a while to get sick of this, Angel." He grabs Aziraphale's hand and kisses it gently before setting it back in his hair and closing his eyes. "Now, don't let me keep you from the wonderful world of ophiology. I think there may be one that's a rather good likeness of me somewhere around the halfway mark if memory serves."

Aziraphale smiles and chuckles slightly. Then, sighing contentedly, he figures out how to reopen his book, now one handed, and settles in for a nice long read, certain that there is no better way to spend a Thursday afternoon in the entire world.

#Good Omens #ineffable husbands #ineffable partners #aziracrow #aziraphale #good omens crowley #good omens fanfiction #ineffable spouses #My GO Thoughts and Feels #my fanfic #GOS2 Spoilers #maybe I'm not sure really #this is set after a theoretical season 3 because it's the space I thought would be the most enjoyable to write in #there will be at least one more chapter for this but there could be more if I can believe in myself or something #Crowley has CPTSD and so do I #yeah this probably belongs in there

17 notes · View notes

actual-changeling · 7 months

Text

@sassasafreeaction i saw your tags on this post and just had the sudden, violent need to talk about them

As someone with a bad case of CPTSD that comes with insane hypervigilance, Crowley's behaviour is not only incredibly familiar but also makes a lot of sense.

He is used to having to watch his back, not just in hell (where it's a matter of life and death/torture) but also on earth, while Aziraphale has a general sense of unease and the urge to be careful only when he thinks he is doing something potentially incriminating. So slipping into the role of protector was easy for Crowley, in his mind Aziraphale needs him to do it because he won't/isn't doing it.

Scenes like the ending of the Edinburgh flashback show us that Crowley is not being paranoid, it is based on actual traumatic experiences.

I imagine it is also the only way he can feel some relief when they're in public. Having the wall in your back, the person you care about in front of you, and the door and windows in your line of sight is calming and soothes that little anxious scratching inside your ribs, but even then it never fully disappears.

He has all his little quirks, like the twirls he does while walking, constantly craning his neck, even the sunglasses, which yes, they hide his eyes, but they also hide his gaze; people cannot see what he is looking at. I doubt he is aware of it, I certainly wasn't until someone pointed out that no matter where I am, I periodically check the entire room, physically moving my body and head to do a 360°, for example. Even when I pay attention to my behaviour, it's instinct, I do it because that's just what my brain thinks it needs to do to be safe (and it was truly needed at some point).

Hopefully, once they actually are safe, Crowley will be able to properly relax (and probably be super exhausted for months if not years), but some habits and a part of the hypervigilance will never go away.

#alex talks good omens #good omens #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #good omens season 2 #go2 #good omens meta #aziracrow #crowley x aziraphale #ineffable divorce #using my mental illness to analyse my blorbos like god intended

432 notes · View notes

highseas-swede · 6 months

Text

Aziraphale and Trauma

[Just a note that I initially wrote this in response to this post: https://www.tumblr.com/theangelyouknew/732357015604756480?source=share&ref=_tumblr which is full of insightful info. I'm reposting my response here with some minor edits so it's easier to find in tags.]

This is something I actually find interesting within the fandom, because there seems to be this weird divide in fandom when it comes to Aziraphale.

See, I love Aziraphale. I think he's an amazing and well nuanced character, but a lot of the time fandom boils him down into this really simple version of himself. This happens both with people who dislike him and claim he's a bad person as well as with those who want to soften him up and make him more palatable. Aziraphale isn't the only one who has trouble with black and white thinking here!

Things like Coffee Theory remove Aziraphale's agency because the thought of Aziraphale doing something to hurt Crowley deliberately is something they can't stomach. If Aziraphale is acting under some kind of major magical influence, it means that it's possible to brush over the fact that he can - and has - hurt Crowley in the past and it certainly hasn't always been accidental.

There's a lot of Psychology I could touch on here, but it's honestly such a complicated topic that I don't really feel I can do it justice attached to a completely different topic.

But one thing I do want to touch on a bit is how Aziraphale asserts control in his own life via his connection with Crowley, and that touches on something equally complicated, which is something that's probably hard to understand.

Abuse victims are often manipulative.

I don't mean this at all as some kind of slight or insult. I've been an abuse victim myself and it's one reason I know it's true.

Fandom talks a lot about Crowley's trauma and he's got loads, to be sure. I think of that meme about "this bad boy can fit a lot of trauma" and it's very true. I've even seen people mention that Aziraphale has a different kind of Trauma than Crowley, which is also true.

What I haven't seen is someone addressing that the type of religious trauma is a form of CPTSD. CPTSD or "Complex PTSD" is a very specific form of PTSD. PTSD is characterized as being the result of a traumatic event - Crowley's fall, for example, is a good example of PTSD and I can go into that at some point. CPTSD is different because it's not a singular event, it's the result of being in a constant high stress situation. A lot of abuse victims - especially those abused by parental figures or significant others - have this form of PTSD.

A good way to see the difference is in comparing how they relate to their trauma. When Crowley thinks he's lost Aziraphale in S1, it sends him into a spiral. But importantly we see that this traumatic event is causing Crowley to go back to another traumatic event in time, triggering his memories of his fall. This emphasizes how much Crowley's fall defines his trauma. We rarely see him experiencing trauma at the hands of Hell, as he's mostly allowed freedom to handle his job on earth the way he wants.

https://cptsdfoundation.org/ defines CPTSD as "the results of ongoing, inescapable, relational trauma. Unlike Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Complex PTSD typically involves being hurt by another person. These hurts are ongoing, repeated, and often involving a betrayal and loss of safety."

In humans, this is caused by having no sense of safety in key moments of development. It strips away sense of self, sense of worth and really any agency. We even see the angels using direct gaslighting tactics on Aziraphale in S2, which I'm surprised doesn't get mentioned more often: When they come to the bookshop looking for Gabriel, they mention Gabriel and then almost immediately when Aziraphale asks "you were looking for Gabriel", Uriel outright says a line that goes something like "Did we say we were looking for Gabriel?", leading Aziraphale to fumble and try to remember if they did, in fact, say that at some point (they did).

So, one big thing to know about CPTSD and this kind of abuse related trauma is that learning to lie and be manipulative is often what people have to do to survive. Children with abusive parents will learn how to be manipulative in order to get what they need or avoid losing things they need.

We see this with Aziraphale, time and time again. He could just ASK Crowley for things he wants. A lot of people point out that he could ask and that Crowley would probably give in to him most of the time anyway. But that's not how it works in an abusive home. Instead, Aziraphale maneuvers Crowley into situations where Crowley is forced to give him what he needs or wants.

His lack of agency, as a result of his CPTSD, is also why he needs to be worked into making decisions that he already knows - or at least suspects - are right. That's why they have their little dance every time Crowley has to talk Aziraphale into something by finding the right way to frame it so it makes sense with Aziraphale's strict rule structure. These rules exist as a defensive mechanism too. Having rules makes it easier to figure out how to avoid being hurt and Aziraphale cannot simply step outside the rules because it's Not Safe. Not even with someone he trusts as much as Crowley.

The entire apology dance scene stands out for a few reasons. Everything Aziraphale does in the entire scene is an act that allows him to take control of the situation. He's already won, so to speak, because Crowley is back and Crowley is going to do what he wants. The apology is unnecessary on every level.

This post talks about how uncomfortable Crowley has to be sharing a space with Gabriel. Gabriel is with the abusive team, whether or not he was directly involved with Crowley's fall. Crowley also harbors a severe distress and mistrust of Gabriel because of Gabriel's attempts to destroy Aziraphale, the most important person to Crowley. But it's worth noting that Aziraphale is uncomfortable too.

Another good indicator of how stressed Aziraphale is with all this is that he doesn't eat ANYTHING when Gabriel is in the shop. The only food he consumes in modern era is when he's in the Bentley which is a "safe" space. Gabriel constantly hounded Aziraphale over eating and despite offering Gabriel hot chocolate, we don't see him partaking himself. He does briefly drink to demonstrate how "drinking tea" works for Muriel, but he doesn't seem to drink from his cup at all after demonstrating.

The bookshop is also Aziraphale's safe space, his ONLY safe space - Crowley still technically has the Bentley, and honestly I feel like Aziraphale wanting to borrow the Bentley is actually partially because he needs to get away from Gabriel and the Bentley is the only place that feels safe for him at the moment. Shax ruins any illusion of safety for him, but Aziraphale is much more enthused for his trip in ep3 and a fair amount of it is because he's not trapped with Gabriel.

A small note here, as a thought occurs to me. Aziraphale asserting that the Bentley is "our car" is probably mostly for himself. He's trying to realign his thinking to make the Bentley an acceptable "safe space" for himself prior to the trip.

There is a very different relationship dynamic when it comes to Gabriel and Aziraphale because Gabriel is the constant source of Aziraphale's trauma. He's Aziraphale's superior, the one he has to report to, the one who passes down his missions and his punishments. When Aziraphale takes Gabriel in, he's just invited his former abuser of over 6000 years into his safe haven. This is a hugely uncomfortable thing for an abuse survivor.

Worst of all, because Jim is, for all intents and purposes, NOT Gabriel, Aziraphale can't bring himself to lash out at his former abuser the way he wants to.

That brings us back to this apology scene.

There are two major things going on here and both of them are bad and hurtful toward Crowley. They're also both intensely unfair. I love Aziraphale but this was definitely a dick move.

Firstly: Aziraphale is using Crowley to reassert a sense of control over the situation because he is spiraling. He can't assert control over his life and his shop, which is one thing that he falls back on heavily, and that leaves him scrambling to find somewhere where he can control his situation. He makes Crowley go through this whole unnecessary apology and dance routine because it makes him feel like he has control over SOMETHING in his life right now.

Secondly: Aziraphale is also enacting his own trauma on Crowley. He's treating Crowley the way Heaven treats him. This is a direct parallel to the way Crowley terrorizes his house plants because he can't do anything to the people who actually caused his trauma. This is, obviously, wildly unfair of Aziraphale to do - and I'm fairly sure there are other small moments where Aziraphale does this in a mild way, I'd have to rewatch again.

These are both behaviors common in CPTSD caused by environments that apply this constant state of stress.

I'm not going to say it's right, or that Aziraphale isn't being a bit of a bastard in this moment - he absolutely is - but this behavior does have some obvious triggers that might be easy to overlook. It's just important to understand that Aziraphale is falling into self-preservation habits that are actively detrimental to his relationship with Crowley. It's not just the manipulation, he's also hiding things and lying to Crowley when he really shouldn't be - both things often necessary in abusive environments - but he's doing it because that's the method that he's created that works with his abusive relationship in Heaven and he's falling back on it because he feels unsafe. The trouble is, this survival tactic does not work with Crowley and actively makes things worse because it shuts down open communication entirely.

#Aziraphale #Good Omens #Good Omens Meta #good omens s2 #aziraphale meta #crowley x arizaphale #CPTSD discussion

399 notes · View notes

indigovigilance · 7 months

Text

Why Crowley Rescues Aziraphale

Okay, yes: it's flirtatious, it's cute, it's Anthony J. "Acts of Service" Crowley showing love in the only way he knows how because God forbid he use his words.

But what if there's more to it than that? What if there is a much darker explanation that portends major events in S3?

Allow me to convince you below the cut:

Evidence of Repetition Compulsion

But before we talk about the rescue motif, let's examine a more transparent aspect of Crowley's behavior that will provide a scaffold for the discussion of his Princess Peach obsession.

The Plants

Sure, Crowley is a hobby horticulturalist, but he doesn't do it because he loves plants. He does it because the plants are a representation of himself, and how he treats the plants tells us how he feels about himself. Importantly, how he treats the plants changes over time.

Season 1

He puts the fear of Crowley into them, destroying any specimen with a blemish and making an example out of it to threaten those that remain.

You know, just like God did to him.

This scene is jam-packed with symbolism, and we can simmer on whether his punishment of the plants is simply externalized self-flagellation, or reflects internalized standards of perfectionism, or if he feels so powerless that he creates a new relationship in which he is the one that has the power... We could simmer, but that's not the point of this meta, so let's keep going.

Season 2

In 2023, Crowley is no longer a domineering monarch, ruling over his houseplants with an iron fist; of all the memorabilia he has in his flat (the statue from the church, the original Mona Lisa), the only things he brings with him are his plants.

And for someone living in his car, he's taking pretty good care of them:

Someone else even noted that one of the plants appears to have spots, and clearly he hasn't thrown it in the garbage disposal for its transgressions. I wasn't able to see it myself, but I headcanon it because it fits with the observation that:

Crowley's attitude towards himself is changing.

He is evolving from internalized guilt and sense of inferiority to believing that he deserves care, even if he is a little blemished. It is this shift that brings it within the realm of possibility that he can admit his feelings to Aziraphale.

In both seasons, the unifying theme is that Crowley is reliving his trauma over and over, and then reliving his healing over and over. This cyclical behavior is, to my knowledge, incredibly characteristic of PTSD and CPTSD. In a phenomenon clinically referred to as Repetition Compulsion, the subject recreates and relives events of a traumatic past over and over in their present life, seeking resolution for something that has already happened, where the opportunity for true, satisfying closure is forever lost to the past. A huge part of therapeutic treatment is breaking these maladaptive cycles [citations]. But to our knowledge, Crowley doesn't have a therapist.

If this is how Crowley's CPTSD manifests in his relationship with inanimate objects semi-sentient dependents, how might it manifest in his relationship with his angel?

The Rescue Motif

The cycle of Aziraphale's self-endangerment and Crowley's nick-of-time rescues might look like just a cute part of their flirtationship, a necessary cover for their continued association, but I argue that it something much darker.

Crowley rescues Aziraphale over and over throughout history to try to absolve himself for the one time he couldn't.

But clearly, Aziraphale doesn't know that.

It only took one rescue for Aziraphale to realize that this kind of behavior brings them closer together - and he desperately wants to get close to Crowley. Please forgive the crudeness of the metaphor, but: when you need to drive a screw into a board and all you have is a hammer, you're gonna smack that thing on the head over and over with the only tool you've got. The problem is, this is really bad for the screw.

Aziraphale, by leveraging the damsel-in-distress motif, over and over again, is inadvertently triggering a trauma response from Crowley because he likes what he gets out of it, which is spending time with the demon he loves and growing intimacy. If he knew that this is what he was doing, it would be sick and twisted and go against everything he believes about himself as an angel, let alone being mortified that he was hurting Crowley.

So the only possible conclusion (given we take the above conjectures as fact (see @queerfables, I listen to you <3)) is that:

Aziraphale Doesn't Know About His Own Jimmification

What is it that Crowley could have failed to rescue Aziraphale from that Aziraphale himself is unaware of? Well, at the least, it would have to involve a mind-wipe.

We know, canonically, that the Metatron can and will mind-wipe angels without actually casting them out of Heaven. Just because Aziraphale is an angel does not mean we can assume that this ability was never leveraged against him.

If Crowley knew that they were going to do this to his friend, he would have tried to stop it. The repeating damsel-rescue motif (in context of the existing, plant-based evidence of Repetition Compulsion) is a strong indicator that his mission to protect Aziraphale from the memory-wipe failed, and he is living in an endless loop of rescue behavior to try to resolve his guilt about that.

So why wouldn't Crowley tell Aziraphale that his mind was erased?

To properly address that I will need time to write a part 2. But others are welcome to use this as a jumping-off point, please just cite the inspo; it's a little thing that brings me joy ^_^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the meantime, if you enjoyed this, you may also like:

Why Crowley is Blind to his Yellow Eyes

A Nightingale Sang in 1941

Baraqiel and Azazel

The Erasure of Human!Metatron

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens meta #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #repetition compulsion #trauma #ptsd #complex ptsd #good omens memory #ivoc #erasure theory

165 notes · View notes

aziraphales-library · 1 month

Note

Hello and thank you so much for your service for all this years! My question can be a little too specific so if fic strike at least some of points it's still cool. I'm looking for human au with heavy accent on Aziraphale and his angelic siblings. It can be something nice and family fluffy, sure, not all in his family is a dicks, but I'm thinking more about something like Aziraphale dealing with years of family abuse and finally relearning how to live without shame and fear; Crowley getting to look at Aziraphale's family close after years of "they are nice we just don't get along" and being utterly terrified; Crowley helping Aziraphale to learn to stand his ground and being all proud when he got it; Crowley and Aziraphale bonding over familial traumas; etc. Also can be with hints of season two, like Aziraphale trying to reconnect with family or saving Muriel (or even "Jim") from same abuse and being all gentle and understanding (and making Crowley proud again). Absolutely no to victim blaming (I mean from Crowley or author pov, from Aziraphale's or family pov sure), preferably without heavy fatshaming, preferably older Aziraphale and Crowley (no to kid and teen aus, meh to college/young adults, yes to 30+ and absolutely YES to 40+). Great if it's longish and kind of plottish fic! Super great if there would be autistic Aziraphale, not cis Aziraphale, in any way disabled Aziraphale, religious trauma, cptsd and did I mentioned supportive Crowley? Btw it can be not Aziraphale-centric fic, if it's just romance or even Crowley-centric but themes are there, I'm interested. Anyway as I said it's probably too specific so anything that "kind of close" will do. Thanks in advance!

Here are some adult human aus in which Aziraphale's family are Not Nice...

The Long Road Home by TawnyOwl95 (E)

Aziraphale Heavensby only knows about love from books. So when he's given a chance to experience romance first hand he grabs it as hard as he can. Even if it can't last. Even if Aziraphale’s father has very definite plans for his future. Plans that certainly don't include Anthony Crowley.

Drink You In by FinnsKeeper (G)

Aziraphale Fell owns a rather popular bar in Soho London. His life is relatively calm and predictable until he meets Anthony Crowley one fateful night. When a first date goes wrong, Aziraphale has to take measures to protect his newest patron. Anthony's gratitude quickly morphs into something deeper, and Aziraphale has to battle his own demons to determine if those feelings are true or just a product of his impromptu rescue.

Someone by Diminua (M)

This was a kinkmeme prompt and as usual I can't do better than to paraphrase the OP : Aziraphale is a frumpy, middle aged man, who's closing in on 50 : he's spent his entire life alone, mistreated by his family, and living like a modern times hermit in his familiar, reassuring bookshop. He thinks it's too late for passion. But he hopes that, maybe, he could find a companion for his latter days. Crowley has spent his entire life having a wild time: parties, sex, rock n roll, all that jazz. He flew through the 80s, the 90s, the new millennium like a car on fire. He thought he had time, thought he'd be young and surrounded by people forever, thought with fling after fling after fling, someone would find him. Someone would look at him and choose him. But no one ever did. To paraphrase (again) - they turn to an arranged marriage company. And they fit..

Dating in the Dark by miraworos (E)

Anthony J. Crowley, owner of a failing joke-shop, and Aziraphale, bookshop proprietor with an overbearing family, meet as contestants on a blind dating show. They form an instant connection as roommates but soon find themselves at odds as they compete to win the top spot, and the favor of the same lady.

The Ghost of Husbands Past by A_N_D (E)

Az always knew that he’d be thrown out the moment his father found out he was gay. He hadn’t expected to be declared dead though - or for his husband to believe it! But their marriage had been a foolish teenage impulse (not to mention invalid in America), so when Az moved to a small town far upstate New York to start his new life, he moved alone. The kindest thing he could do was let Crowley mourn and move on, not be shackled for life to a now disabled partner. Tony Crowley never recovered from losing his best friend, his childhood sweetheart, his better half. He’d been drifting ever since; no plans, no hope, no money - and now, just before Thanksgiving, no job either. Given the stark choice of freezing to death or accepting his sister’s invitation to join her upstate, Tony reluctantly lives out the Hallmark cliche of Recently Unemployed Person Moves to Small Town for Christmas. It’s a time of hope, love, and family. It’s time for Az and Tony to find each other again.

love like yours (will surely come my way) by CCs_World (T)

Dr Zira Fell is a new professor of theology at St Beryl's University. His first day there he meets the mysterious and enchanting Dr AJ Crowley, an art history professor and a painter. They almost immediately become friends, and spend most of their time getting lunch together, talking, drinking wine, making art, and falling slowly in love with one another. Featuring cameos of everyone's favorite (and least favorite) characters, gratuitous descriptions of paintings, long text messaging conversations, and one cranky cat.

- Mod D

#good omens #ineffable husbands #human au #adult omens #family dynamics #religious guilt #mod d

52 notes · View notes

mlobsters · 7 months

Text

supernatural s10e14 the executioner's song (w. robert berens)

cain with the luxurious locks. i don't remember his hair in the previous episode but i think i'd recall if it looked like this

many thoughts. a) no judgement, dean-o, some of us have weird hobbies b) this view being so well lit gives me an idea of the leg room sam's working with (not terrible) c) i again laugh at the logistics of fic getting these large men to fuck fully contained inside this car. it's a big car but d) sam manspreading across the middle (as ever i wonder about their placement just being a logistical thing with the shot) e) i know about the true crime thing via fic lol unlike the current plot points

DEAN So what are we thinking? Some sort of a mass-murdering magician? SAM Yeah, Or a teleporting demon or a who knows what that can walk through Supermax walls. Could be in our wheelhouse. DEAN Yeah, your wheelhouse. "Hobby."

made me laugh. very cute

somebody get this guy a pantene contract

LOL cain's just going on the killingest of killing sprees i guess because why not. dean and sam are descendents of cain? i can't keep that dumb story straight. vessels and something something bloodline of cain and abel, did he need it for the mark? blergh

wtf is this music dear lord. it's like some of their regular light intrigue/tension music but mashed some... i don't know, over it. horns to evoke.... something. not a fan.

SAM Dean, wielding the Blade against Cain himself... Win or lose, you may never come back from that fight. DEAN I know.

literal sigh. And here I go again on my own / Going down the only road I've ever known. i don't know why this feels like the millionth retread of this. supernatural is a flat circle

DEAN Because you have as much reason to want Cain off the board as anyone. Cain has a kill list, and you're on it. What do you say, Crowley? You in?

LOL okay. everyone is trying to play crowley

ROWENA You honestly believe that they're your friends, that they care about you?!

he doesn't though, does he?

SAM So... If this works and we capture Cain, then what? DEAN We'll cross that bridge when we c... If we come to it. You know last week, when I said that I would go down swinging when the time came? I meant that I was at peace with that. I just didn't realize the time would come so soon, you know, like right now. I'm scared, Sam.

so, dean got me. and maybe it's because i have trauma around it but bringing up the whole i'm ready to die thing again, i'm already feeling that little flare of panic.. but to top it off admitting it's too soon and he's scared. that smashes a lot of painful buttons. and sam didn't even have the space/time to react, we're already on to the next scene and somehow sam doesn't have cptsd triggered by this kind of talking :p not like dean didn't already have a looming death he wasn't ready for and was too soon or anything. and have it happen. and be gone for months that was presumably actually forever. SIGH. at least give him a hug, sam, jesus.

so this cain / crowley / sam thing is fun. letting crowley do something new.

cute how he sidles up right next to sam. protect me, moose. starting to see how crowley/sam is a thing

DEAN I'd be too worried about what he could do to you… Or what I could. Plus, I need you three out here to take out whatever comes out of there. And I'm serious. I mean whatever comes out.

i know nothing of how this goes down. but can imagine it's killing sam to have to stay out of it

dean getting beaten up by cain, okay. cain pushing the sam button, i'm here for it, i'm feeling the feelings (despite the music). aaand dean slices his hand off to get out of the jam he's in. and there's some very bad vfx having it twitch a little on the side. whatever emotions they had set up, that surely wiped them away with a laugh

(god WTF is up with the music in this episode it's weirder than usual. now that dean has the blade back it's like.. harpsichord? something plucky)

CROWLEY You lied to me. DEAN It's not the first time today. Cain's list ... you weren't on it.

again, surely crowley can't be that surprised?

SAM Hey, hey, hey. You did it. Dean, you did it.

did he though? that was a very offscreen death. also the collapsing into sam's arms is reminiscent of sam after stopping the trials collapsing into dean

SAM Dean's in trouble.

all right. seems like dean's lying about something, but what, who knows. hiding something cain related, or health related, or almost-a-demon anger ball, or what. is this gonna be a thing the rest of the season? that's a lot of episodes.

random observation, when i put in the episode number in the tags, you know what's most likely to be listed and say most popular or whatever? episodes castiel is in :p shocker, eh

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 10x14 #spn clip #spn music woes #spn musical score #robert berens #jay gruska #of course

5 notes · View notes

issela-santina · 1 month

Text

look, just a thought while I had noodles in a cup for breakfast

I saw a poll on Twitter putting Wolverine (the Marvel mascot) vs Crowley from Good Omens and I don't know if anyone else sees the vision but neither their comic book selves nor their live action selves would fight, especially Crowley

ok this is from my hunch that Colleen Doran based her Crowley on Peter Serafinowicz which means that specific incarnation with the dark hair and the snazzy green eyeshadow will absolutely fucking tower over stocky little comic book Wolverine

meanwhile what would our beloved Hugh Jackman do when he sees gangling goth chick David Tennant in a ginger wig? big boy wouldn't get his claws out either, he's probably going to sit down and admit “oh I thought you were someone I knew” and Crowley would just raise a brow and offer him whiskey on the rocks

and with all the reality warp shit, autism, ADHD, and CPTSD this literal temptress in either medium has up his sleeves who is this one Canadian claw enforcer be so uncivil? what am I even coming to here?

alcohol

quite extraordinary amounts of alcohol

not one entity human or otherwise can just pit Wolverine and Crowley in a “who would win?” poll and expect me not to imagine these two bastards getting drunk together and probably sleeping with each other near the end of the night while Crowley spends a full third of that time grumbling that he's not Jean Grey

0 notes

gaycatastrophe · 3 years

Text

speaking of character development (or lack thereof) even in the most canon-adherent good version of spn that lives in my head Sam like, actually becomes a witch and that gets fleshed out, and Dean and Sam have a fight about it which leads to Dean accepting that no yeah okay fine not all witchcraft is bad, and Sam is still Sam and isn’t going to turn evil just because he does magic now. There’s gender shit wrapped up in this but its not really addressed except through subtext and Dean’s coded pop culture references, because, canon-adherence. In the slightly less canon-adherent version Sam also at some point long after s4 moves shit with his mind in a life-or-death situation that saves Dean. He has a “holy shit i didnt know i could still do that” moment and then a whole PTSD fueled freakout about how he’s unclean and a freak and HE ends up telling Dean something to the effect of ‘hey if i get back on the demon blood just fucking kill me’ and Dean is like. What. Why would you do that. What if you simply....*don’t* do that. At which point Sam reveals to Dean that he still has his powers and Dean who has been friends with monsters and an off-the-rails angel (if not also Crowley yet) is surprisingly accepting of this. And is like, okay, but you hadn’t consumed any demon blood when you moved shit that time, right? Well what if you can have the powers and not be a blood freak? And Sam who is surprised and heartened by his brother not treating him like something evil is like. yeah okay maybe i can learn to control them on my own. And then he does that but still struggles with self hate along the way, and also probably trying to push himself too far as they approach whatever overarching plot climax is happening that season.

Dean...Dean still has a lot of moments of regression even in good supernatural. He learns that he doesnt have to constantly perform being the two dimensional archetype of white american masculinity his dad shaped him into, but he does still fall back into those patterns when he’s in a lot of emotional distress, because, duh? CPTSD symptoms? This is the reason we all identify with and project onto Dean Winchester so much in the first place, and he’s not going to linearly grow out of that because it’s never that easy. No instead we get a more fleshed out and coherent character arc of Dean learning that not all monsters are bad. If that shit with the BMOL still happens both brothers balk at the idea of exterminating all monsters not just because of the potential for retaliation but because, like, explicitly they say “holy shit that’s genocide no”. And then they have to grapple with the fact that they hunt monsters at all, and of course yes the monsters they kill are also the ones killing people, but if that’s the metric we’re going by then the Winchesters are also definitely monsters. It needs to be Dean who’s doing the moral grappling with this, especially post-MOC, and that needs to actually change their behavior too. But also good supernatural Dean finally acknowledges he’s bi as he’s decompressing from that two dimensional pastiche of (toxic) masculinity and lets himself get softer and it still takes way too damn long for him to nut up and do something about it (probably post-widower-arc which i would ABSOLUTELY keep because that was unhinged in the best way) but we actually get a Dean/Cas reciprocal relationship because it’s the logical progression for both of them. Actually what i WANT is the 13x06 reunion scene immediately after all the romeo and juliet parallels in 13x05 to be a deancas onscreen kiss and love confession and then Castiel telling Dean that yeah Jack woke him up but he came back because of Dean (i read this in a fanfic somewhere but i dont remember whose so credit for this idea not mine but idk who to credit sorry). Because GAY LOVE PIERCES THROUGH THE VEIL OF DEATH AND SAVES THE MCFUCKING DAY.

#spn #long post #destiel #deancas #this is just me ranting but i apologize for nothing

14 notes · View notes

knaccblog · 7 months

Text

Ready Now: Part 2

Part 1 is here. Also available on A03

This errand had gotten a bit out of hand, to be honest. What had started as a quick trip just to grab some cheese had turned into hitting up six different stores spread out all across London. And sure, such a task was easier for Crowley than your average London resident, what with his ability to drive very fast with no repercussions and just move everything that inhibited him magically out of the way but still, once you'd hit up more than three stores, any errand was bound to start to drag. It's just, when he'd checked the third store and they still hadn't had Aziraphale's favorite, Saint Felicien, Crowley had known he was in for the long haul.

After all, Aziraphale had decided to stay home, saying, "No dear, I think I'll catch up on a bit of reading, that way I can pay more attention to you when you're back. And anyway, you already know what cheeses I like so I trust you." (Aziraphale had also kissed him goodbye, soft and warm and- but Crowley was busy and focused and resolutely not thinking about that right now.)

Trust. A difficult thing for any demon (even an ex-one) to know what to do with. But for Crowley, who had been both trusted and then not trusted (off and on) by a particular angel for thousands of years, it felt a bit like a test had just been accidentally put in his lap. And since nowadays Aziraphale… loved him (of all people) on top of all that, how could he do anything except perform the task as correctly as possible? (Crowley was well aware of the sunk cost fallacy (Hell would have loved it if they'd kept abreast of such modern stuff) but he's pretty sure that what he's doing right now doesn't count since it's not about the time or money he's put in but instead about making sure he does right by Aziraphale. Totally different, right?)

At least along the way he had gotten some good additional options (White Stilton, Caciocavallo Di Grotta, Gjetost, and Saint Nectaire) as well as two types of crackers, some assorted dried fruits and nuts and even a tomato onion jam that a store clerk had correctly convinced him was an excellent pair with white stiltons some ten years ago now. (He was glad he could still find it, never know with these tiny farms just how long they'll stay afloat.) It was in the sixth and final shop where he'd finally found his quarry, a buttery Saint Felicien, the only cheese Aziraphale had truly wanted (given the bottles of Chateauneuf du Pape they had to pair with it). Crowley had let out a sigh of relief, smiled probably a bit too genuinely at the cashier and returned back to the Bentley with his spoils, eager to get back home to his Angel as soon as possible.

***

Crowley is about halfway back to the bookshop when his phone rings. There are very few people it could be (and less he wants to talk to at the moment) but he answers anyway. "Hello?"

"Oh Crowley!" Aziraphale's voice rings out through the car and makes Crowley's stomach do a little flip. He can hear the smile, can imagine exactly what he looks like right now and it makes him annoyed that he's not already back at the bookshop. "Something truly amusing has occurred in your absence and I just couldn't wait-"

"Five minutes," Crowley cuts him off and hangs up. It should have been ten but he'll make it five. No need to keep his angel waiting any longer than that.

***

He pulls up the the curb outside "Give me Coffee or Give me Death" four and a half minutes later (A new record to be honest; Crowley definitely had put a bit too much effort into it) and rolls into the bookshop with his arms laden with all the makings of a pretty spectacular charcuterie board and a (frankly embarrassing) spring in his step. "Angel," he calls out, "I'm back. You would not believe how difficult it is to find good cheese in London today."

He pauses and waits for an answering greeting. When after a beat, none is offered, Crowley walks deeper into the bookshop and calls out again. "Aziraphale?" No answer still. He reaches out his senses and sure enough, Aziraphale is still here, somewhere amongst all the books. Must have just gotten distracted by something.

Crowley shifts his bags and takes off his sunglasses before following his feelings to where the greatest intensity of Aziraphale-ness is. He finds him puttering around on the second floor, his back towards him and his nose buried in a book. Crowley had thought over the years that he'd gotten terribly good at not feeling this way but now that they're together, he can't help but stop dead in his tracks and just stare. He is so unbelievably beautiful and he loves me. It makes his whole chest feel tight and warm. He nearly sets down his bags and wraps himself around Aziraphale's back but he doesn't. Wouldn't do to startle him.

He tries again. "Hey Angel," and he sounds unimaginably gone but that's okay, right? That's allowed now, what with the him loving you back thing.

Aziraphale doesn't turn around or look up. "You're back."

"Yeah, sorry that took a bit. Like I was saying, state of the cheese market in London's a bit sparse at the moment. Managed to get you some Saint Felicien though so, ya know, not a total loss."

Aziraphale seems pretty absorbed in whatever he's reading but at the mention of the Saint Felicien, Crowley can see him stand up a little straighter, his interest peaked. There's a beat and then he says, "Well, you better put it in the mini fridge for the moment. As you can see, I'm quite busy."

"Yeah, alright," Crowley shrugs. "Be right back." Crowley wonders what kind of busy it is and if it might just be the kind that wouldn't mind a bit of company draped all over him while he reads.

He heads downstairs and carefully places his spoils in the fridge so that nothing heavy is on top of anything soft and then heads back to Aziraphale. He's moved a little deeper into the shelves but Crowley just follows, leaning up against the nearest one so that he knows he's in Aziraphale's line of sight. Aziraphale turns just slightly more away as he reads.

Crowley frowns but then pushes it aside. Must be a very good book. He takes a deep breath to steady himself (embarrassing really) but then aims for casual with his tone. "What are you busy with anyway? Would it perhaps be the sort of busy that wouldn't mind a bit of… company?"

"It would mind actually," Aziraphale says, tone cold and even.

Crowley reels back just a bit. Is something wrong or? He wants you here, he told you he wants you here, he reminds himself, don't shout, don't run. "Alright, I'll just-" He considers for a moment what to do and having no specific ideas, just barrels on, "leave you to it."

Aziraphale's gaze flicks up at that for just a moment, his mouth set as a harsh line

"Unless," Crowley grits his teeth, "Look, is something wrong? If you're just, I don't know, really into that book, that's fine but I figured I'd check, seeing as we were going to eat cheese and drink wine and oh yeah, there was a funny story you were going to tell me-"

Aziraphale's gaze snaps up and his eyes are fierce. "Oh so now you're interested in my story, are you?"

Crowley feels suddenly very lost in this conversation. "Course." He squints and stammers for a moment before getting out, "Uhhhhh excuse me, did something… happen in the five minutes it took me to get here?"

"Not really. I just think it's interesting that you say you want to listen to me now when you hung up on me before. That's all." Aziraphale turns away and starts to head deeper down the row.

Crowley groans. He had, in fact, hung up on Aziraphale in the car, hadn't he? Stupid. He runs a hand down his face and curses himself. Sure, it had only been five minutes from the call to him showing up but hanging up is, in fact, hanging up and it clearly had made Aziraphale feel like shit. Crowley's such a fucking asshole, he can barely stand himself.

He scrambles after Aziraphale. "I'm sorry, Angel, I was selfish-"

"I mean who could blame you!" Aziraphale slams the book closed and turns around suddenly. They are now face to face and very close. "You were just doing what any sensible person would do, saving yourself from another one of my inane ramblings. Of course you cut me off-"

"That's not-" Crowley sucks in breath through his teeth. "I fucked this up alright but please, let me atleast try to apologize first, okay?"

Aziraphale backs up, sets the book on a nearby shelf, and adjusts his vest before giving Crowley a "well go on then" look.

Crowley sighs. "Where was I?" He looks up at the ceiling and what he's about to say comes rushing back to him as do his nerves. He swallows and then forces himself to meet Aziraphale's eyes. "Right, so you got it all wrong basically." Aziraphale opens his mouth to talk over him again but Crowley barrels on. "Let me finish. You're right that I hung up on you and I'm sorry about that. I fucked that up. But you're wrong about why. It's just," he grits his teeth and pushes through it. "I wanted to watch you talk, alright?" He gives a little shrug with his hands. "That's it."

"Excuse me?" Aziraphale's frown softens just slightly.

"It's just… when you talk about things you're excited about, you," he looks down at the ground before looking back up to meet Aziraphale's eyes defiantly, "You light up, like your whole face glows and you sort of, flit around and make little hand gestures and… you're gorgeous, is what you are." Crowley looks away and starts talking very quickly. "But making you wait was wrong even if my reason wasn't bad because I still made you feel like I didn't care and that's not true. I made a mistake and I'm sorry, alright? I'll do better. Next time, I'll let you tell me whatever you want, no matter where I am. It's not like there won't be plenty of other stories about other stuff you can tell me in person, right?"

Crowley finally forces himself to look back at Aziraphale and he looks stunned, a slight smile pulling at his lips. "Did you say… gorgeous?"

"Oh come on, Angel," Crowley shakes his head a little. "You've looked in a mirror before, yeah?"

"Yes," Aziraphale smiles even bigger, "but you've never called me gorgeous before?"

"Really?" Crowley shrugs but can feel his stomach do a flip. "Force of habit I guess. Turns out making absolutely sure you don't say something for thousands of years makes it awful hard to get into the habit of saying it again."

"Oh Crowley!" Aziraphale takes a step closer. His eyes are teary but he's beaming. "That long?"

"Why would I lie? To make myself look more like an idiot?"

Aziraphale takes another step closer. "And you really like watching me be excited that much?"

"Nnnn yeah, obviously." Crowley can feel the corners of his lips pulling up and he lets them.

Aziraphale wiggles happily. "Ohhhh Crowley! I'm sorry I got so testy and assumed the worst-"

"Nothing to apologize for. Like I said, I did it wrong. And now I know better."

"Alright, but I probably should have just said something too. I…" Aziraphale trails off and looks down at his hands before his eyes snap back up. "Oh never mind, where did that cheese get to anyway?" He starts to head towards the stairs.

Crowley watches him as he passes by, reads his body language and on impulse mostly, moves so that he's casually blocking his way.

Aziraphale startles a bit but stops trying to leave. "Yes?"

"Look, I'm not the best at this really but I feel like you're still avoiding something maybe? Like yes, it was rude of me and I won't do it again but-"

"No but necessary," Aziraphale says hurriedly. "It was rude, period."

"Right yes, but we've both had terrible phone manners with each other for years-"

"Which we should stop doing," Aziraphale interjects.

"Right, but what I'm saying is, was that it, really? Like why would you assume that I, of all people, wouldn't want to hear your story? I mean," Crowley swallows and lowers his voice, "I- love you, right? Did I do something else? Because if I did something else, you need to tell me-"

"Oh no, it's nothing like that." Aziraphale meets Crowley's eyes and his expression is soft but sad. "I know you love me very much." He reaches up to touch Crowley's cheek.

Crowley's heart flutters and he wants to kiss Aziraphale very badly but he refrains. Not the right time. "But?" he says, leaning into the touch a bit helplessly all the same.

Aziraphale lets go of Crowley's face. He looks down and then sighs. "Well, it's mostly just… " He looks up. "As you already know," he tilts his head back and forth as he says, "I did… report to Heaven for 6000 years. And it would perhaps not be…" he spins his hands in front of him in a tight, little circle, "inaccurate to describe them as uh, possibly uneager to hear what I had to say on some issues." He hurriedly adds, "At least some of the time, mind you."

Crowley feels like his stomach has fallen out and his blood is running hot and sharp under his skin. Of course. How hadn't he figured this out on his own really? He'd even gone up to Heaven for Aziraphale that one time, had heard the way Gabriel had talked to him then. "Shut your stupid mouth and die."

What had Crowley thought? That they'd been better to him all the other times? Of course not, Crowley knows that they're (almost all) total and complete bastards. He'd just never thought, before right this moment, that it had affected Aziraphale so badly, that Crowley could do something that would remind Aziraphale of them so easily.

Crowley wants to chuck himself out of the atmosphere, not because he'd die from lack of oxygen but just so he can scream at himself for a good long while and not bother anyone else. He tables that idea for now. Taking care of Aziraphale comes first.

"Angel," Crowley cups Aziraphale's cheek gently. "I need you to tell me if I ever make you feel like those bastards did ever again, alright?"

"Oh Crowley," Aziraphale leans into his touch. "I do know you are nothing like them at all, I promise. I'm just trying to say that perhaps I am a bit, you know, touchy about the subject, that's all. You are, generally, a very good listener."

"And I'm just saying that you deserve better than to ever feel like that, okay? You were the best of them. Smarter and kinder and more interesting and… everything. The fact that they couldn't see that just proves how dense they really were." He runs a thumb along Aziraphale's cheek. "So please, talk to me, alright?"

"Well," Aziraphale smiles, "I guess I am always asking you to tell me what's wrong. Perhaps it would be best for me to… practice what I preach as it were."

"Ughhhhh," Crowley can't help but roll his eyes. "Glad you get it but why did you have to say it like… that?"

Aziraphale tsks. "Dear, you're being silly."

"Maybe I-"

Aziraphale reaches up and cups Crowley's opposite cheek. Crowley can feel his heart rate spike and whatever sarcastic words he had planned are entirely lost.

"So," Aziraphale beams, "you really think I'm… brilliant and gorgeous and kind and-"

"Y-yeah," Crowley cuts him off before the list gets too out of hand and he dies of embarrassment. "I mean, you know I do."

"Well then, do you think you could, perhaps, tell me just a bit more often?" He strokes Crowley's check with his thumb. "It would mean ever so much to me if you did."

Crowley is nodding absently before he's even really thought it through at all. But I mean, what is there to think about really? If Aziraphale's going to get this happy and look at him like this everytime, than there really is no other option. Dignity is for other people whose partners don't make their knees feel like jelly. Crowley realizes that he still hasn't said anything in response so he, after a few failed attempts, says, "Sure, will do."

Aziraphale happy wiggles again. "Oh really?"

Crowley nods. Can you die from being happy? Is that a thing?

"Thank you, dear," he says, giving Crowley the softest eyes in existence. "Oh, may I kiss you? Would that be-"

Crowley closes the gap between their lips in an instant, wrapping his free arm around Aziraphale's waist and pulling him in tight. Aziraphale answers by kissing him back tenderly, setting one of his hands into Crowley's hair and another on his waist as he does. Aziraphale's lips are, Crowley is pretty sure, one of the best things to ever happen to him, after Aziraphale himself but before the internal combustion engine. He's not sure how he survived so long without them but now that he's experienced them, he's certain he can't go back. The lingering burn of the very first time and how he'd never thought he'd feel them again comes back to him suddenly and he tries to shove the thought away. He loves you now. It's all fine.

As if Aziraphale can sense Crowley's need for affirmation, he pushes him quite firmly into the nearest shelf and moans, "Oh Crowley," as he keeps kissing him, which while probably unintentional, does the trick quite nicely.

****

They end up passing a rather eventful half an hour in which miraculously, all possible customers conveniently just forget that they had planned to stop by A.Z. Fell and Co. Crowley is just coming back up for air, as it were, the edges of his brain all fuzzy and warm when he suddenly remembers something. "Oh the, the funny story, the one from while I was gone. Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off again-"

Aziraphale leans in and gives him a nice deep kiss before pulling back. "I asked to kiss you, don't you remember?"

Crowley blinks. That does sound vaguely familiar.

"My dear," Aziraphale smiles. "Anyway, I think I remember you saying you'd put together a bit of a… charcuterie board with all my favorite cheeses, yes?"

Crowley's brain is starting to work a bit better now. "Y-yeah, I did do that. Even found that one tomato and onion jam from that little farm in Scotland. You remember the one?"

"Morag Mains? Or something along those lines? I hear they're actually a non-profit that donates all their proceeds to keeping young women off the streets… or something along those lines."

Crowley's brain processes this and then suddenly, it's like a very bright light turning on in another room. "You don't think?"

Aziraphale smiles and nods. "I very much do think, now that you mention it. Funny old world indeed."

"Huh," Crowley turns this revelation over in his head. "Well, I'll be damned."

"Oh no," Aziraphale leans in and pecks him on the cheek, "Not so much anymore."

Crowley rolls his eyes. "That was… truly terrible. If I wasn't so into you-"

"But you are," Aziraphale laces their fingers together and pulls Crowley towards the stairs. "Come along, dear. It's time for cheese. And a story!"

"Right," Crowley nods, his hand tingly and warm in Aziraphale's grasp. He squeezes back (because he can now).

"You're going to love this one! It involves a certain Mr. Brown from the local carpet emporium and a mysterious shipment that just arrived at the bookshop earlier today."

****

Aziraphale is right. Crowley loves the story. Aziraphale is about ten minutes deep into a shocking tale of postal errors, ignorance, betrayal, and definitely the wrong type of carpet indeed, and he's been doing a lot of hand gestures and little voices all the while and Crowley's smiling so much his face hurts. The pangs of despised love or something like that. And even though it's hard and he often feels foolish, Crowley makes a point to cheer Aziraphale on, to tell him how good he's doing (like Aziraphale did undeservingly for that middling Master Burbish back in the day). But everytime a compliment gets him an answering smile from Aziraphale, he knows he's made the right call.

At one point, Aziraphale breaks his momentum mid-scene to say, "Really my dear, it's okay! You're very sweet but there's no need for you to stop blinking entirely."

Crowley hadn't even noticed he had stopped but he doesn't even try to hide his smile (or his blush) as he says, "It's like I told you, Angel, I don't want to miss a second if it's you."

And Aziraphale beams like he's the sun (might as well be, far as Crowley's concerned), and Crowley's not sure what he did to deserve him but he's certain that he'll spend the rest of his existence doing his best to keep deserving him all the same.

#good omens #aziracrow #aziraphale #good omens fanfiction #good omens crowley #ineffable husbands #ineffable partners #good omens fanfic #good omens 2 #ineffable spouses #GOS2 Spoilers #My Fanfic #My GO Thoughts and Feels #I love this part of the story very much but I dragged my feet on posting it so bad #probably because I love it and also my confidence is at rock bottom atm which is fun #I'd apologize for the way I write Crowley but I won't #He loves Aziraphale so much and hates himself and he really needs to work on the second one #but I believe he'll be okay someday and just thinking about that makes me cry #basically #Crowley has CPTSD and so do I #but yeah that's enough vulnerability in the tags for today lols #I may write more of this as I have a lot of notes but I don't believe in myself so we shall see #I will write more Crowley and Aziraphale though as I love them with my whole heart #and am sad that my lack of confidence kept me from the joy of writing them for so long #don't mind me

5 notes · View notes