Man I used to sympathize people with chronic illness, but now I can really empathize. This shit sucks and it has the worst snowball effect too.

Im gonna become a collei main for illness solidarity

I may look completely bloodless, but i am bleeding from the inside. This is because my immune system is the epitome of the overactive underachiever.

*wears a shirt that says "stelara completely obliterated my immune system and all I got was relief from this Crohn's flare"*

Honestly work kinda made me feel better (mentally) even tho it was really difficult and draining today. Just getting to casually vibe with the coworkers I like. Body still hurt rn tho

Uni has been kicking my ass, so after kicking it right back a decided to destress with some headcanons and brotherly fluff!

Context- I adore reading fanfics about engines turning human, and I sort of have my own head cannons about the trope.

I think if an engine were to turn human, their human bodies would reflect their physical health before the transformation. Like Scotsman for example, his irl engine self is not in good health at the best of times, and if we're to believe that TTTE universe Scotsman also went to America I don't believe for a second that the guy wouldn't have some PTSD. So mentally and physically he'd not be doing so hot as a human. Then take Gordon, big G has been potentially pulling the express for over 100 years by this point, and still going strong. The fat controllers we know take care of their engines, so more than positively Gordon has been kept in pristine health his whole life. If Gordon were to turn human, I don't doubt he'd be a strapping human with an 8 pack. But then it turns to personal experience.

In the story of this image I've hinted that Gordon has been human for much longer than Scotsman has, and while Gordon did pop out of his engine to human transformation being absolutely ripped in the beginning, I like to think that once the engines discover more of what humanity has to offer they'd indulge more of their personal interests. James for example I imagine would like to model and maybe do drag, or hell, maybe even design clothing! Henry I think would adore gardening and maybe animals, I imagine him volunteering at an animal shelter or the one putting in the most work at a community garden. I think Edward would find pride in his community, he'd adore things that you'd find at the Earl of Sodor's castle, he'd adore history, and the slower crafts of humans like painting and join Henry in some gardening, maybe some cooking to. Thomas I think would find his competitive nature, finding the joy in sports, liking to race people on a track, seeing how far he can hit a baseball, dancing around players in basketball, or just simply working out and liking the burn. And Gordon I imagine finds his interests with food, enjoying the sensation of taste, and also more of what the mainland would have to offer, I think he'd do a little exploring and also find the fun in traveling with other modes of transport. Which leads me to the brotherly fluff! I think that after a while some mainland engines who visit Sodor often would eventually feel the effects of the engine to human transformation. Scotsman would have seen Gordon as a human many times by now, and the two would sit and chat at Vicarstown before Scotsman would have to go back on his return journey. This is over the span of many months and each week Scott sees Gordon he notices his brother gaining a little more in the human part of him that reminds him of a boiler. At first it concerns him, until he's told that's how humans gain weight, and how they become fat. Once that happens he begins to poke fun at Gordon, calling him "big brother" in a new mocking way. Gordon becomes more hurt at that because to him it's far more personal than Scotsman knows, so afterwards he distances himself from his brother for a few weeks that span months until Sir Topham tells Gordon that Scotsman is in hospital after turning human, which leads to now. Gordon catches the next train out closest to the hospital and is very surprised to find Scott looking the polar opposite to him. He's so thin he appears anorexic, and even if Gordon had been in his first body type he would have still towered over Scott if the pair stood up side by side. The doctor had been informing Scotsman and the museum director of what his diagnosis was when Gordon burst into the room! Scott was very happy to see Gordon, bursting into tears and crying into his shoulder when Gordon scooped him up and hugged him close. Scott had ended up being diagnosed with Crohn's disease, type 1 diabetes, along with many more mental health conditions. PTSD, depression, and anxiety, but the most prominent being extreme separation anxiety. Once Gordon showed up it was all or nothing, Scotsman wouldn't leave his arms and refused to even go back to the museum, even not wanting to go back into the hospital bed or a wheelchair unless Gordon was right next to him or the one pushing the chair. The doctor suggested that Scotsman go with Gordon so he could receive treatment without possibly going into a panic attack, Gordon was okay with this as he and the others had managed to secure jobs and cash pooled their money together to afford a house. So that leads to the picture of Gordon and Scott talking as they probably walk out of the hospital together. Enjoy!

would kill for a ketamine infuson rn

crohns is kicking my ass

you know for a disease i supposedly don't have crohn's is really kicking my ass right now

crohn’s is kicking my ass quite literally

A rare treat today I took over the tv for some skyrim action, only kinda envious of my friends with the new zelda game 😅, Gotta say skyrim holds up as pure fun. I'm not even playing modded.

Single player games are my jam because crohn's has been kicking my ass lately, glad of the pause button.

When I feel bad I like to immerse myself into another world when it takes enough focus off how I feel it's a relief.

Anyway I feel awful today going from chilled to overheating. I'm going to hopefully sleep ok.

my Crohn’s is kicking my ass today and my stomach hurts so bad 😩

Adenocarcinoma

Not the word you want to hear at the doctor. Cancer. The doctors spent all week basically reassuring me that it wasn't cancer--this is normal presentation of a bad Crohn's flare. Instead I spent the time crying over the section of my bowel that needs to be redirected. My biggest fear finally come to life, and at 31. Much earlier than I was thinking. Then, Friday morning, the doctor's voice, and it's changed.

He had been so sure before. But he seemed very sure of my new prognosis. Chemo and radiation to shrink the tumor, possible operation. 6 to 9 months, no more cancer. Maybe no more bowel, but definitely no more cancer. This was two days ago; I've since gotten another CT scan and an MRI, which I've gotten very little information on. Weekends at hospitals are basically useless if you're looking for answers/treatment. Thankfully the past two days have been full of visitors to keep my mind occupied. Tomorrow's gonna be the difficult one. It's just dad and me, and the doctor teams are coming. Surgery, oncology, gastroenterology. God knows who else. Having to navigate with a skeptic in the room--I already need Ativan. Maybe a 2x4 to the dome.

The assuredness I've exhibited the past few days is wearing off. I've received such an outpouring of love from friends and family--my windowsill is covered in gifts and snacks and flowers. It's a tad overwhelming. The whole thing is. Being the one with the big scary sickness, assuring people that it'll be okay. I'm gonna kick its ass. Having people give you money and discuss fundraisers. Strange, strange, strange. But there was motion and conversation and it was easier to be distracted. Now I'm alone in a hospital room with my thoughts. Well, not fully alone. I do have entertainment (currently streaming You're the Worst on the borrowed tablet, while I type on the borrowed laptop), and there's the bedtime Ativan beginning to swim in my brain. So thankfully the spiral can be held off for now.

What if, though? What if the MRI is worse? What if the tumor doesn't shrink? What if what if what if.

I've spent the last 8 months basically wishing I would die. I had no idea my body was listening to me. Now I have to save it. I don't have a choice. Part of me is optimistic; maybe this is exactly what I needed to change my life, my perspective. But part of me is the normal, pessimistic me; this is yet another shitty (pun intended) hurdle I have to deal with in this miserable life.

I wanted to start a blog while I was feeling positive (currently I am neither positive nor negative, just floating); documenting this seems important to me. I do want to stick with it, I do. I had planned on just a new blog, but stumbled upon this one that I started well over 5 years ago, and for some reason it felt right to continue it. Ominous? Possibly. But here we are. I really do hope I maintain the willlpower.

February 18, 2024

maaaan life has been kicking my ass. i went the the GI dr yesterday and he said i need to have a ct scan, an endoscopy plus a colonoscopy 🤡🤡 cause i might have crohn's disease instead of celiac 😐

No way bestie I’m sorry

im in a very vampire mood right now. it's partially because i've been reading vampire AU stuff but also crohn's is kicking my ass so hard right now and I would like to not be dealing with that right now. i am currently wearing my fangs and it is so nice i love the way they feel but also the left one is loose so at some point i have to remold it but i'd have to order more molding paste bc they gave me 4 molds worth of the molding material and i totally fucked my first try at it

i keep thinking that i should definitely wear my teeth to class sometime like it feels so natural to wear them but they're a little hard to talk with is the only thing

Didn't manage to get the Get to know me out yesterday. Crohn's started kicking my ass & hasn't let up, but I'll get it today.

Me, fully medicated finally, ready to do some chores and get some writing done: ADHD who I am a functional human now!

My chronic illnesses: bitch you fucking THOUGHT