AU where Roman take off his mask but his face is a horrible burnt mess beneath.

I'm 1 month on T!!

So I've been on testosterone for a whole month now, wooo! Just thought I'd share my experiences in case anyone finds that useful c:

Putting under a cut in case you don't wanna read info about my body lol. Also I'm on half dose for reference.

Week 1

Body odour started smelling different on random days

SO HUNGRY, holy shit

Very very happy, smiling all the time

Week 2

Slightly more physical endurance, not really stronger but could do a physical task a tiny bit easier and longer than before

Already existing facial hair started growing faster, have to shave twice a week now

Shark week, but a very mild and short one, mild cramps and only tiny bit of bleeding the first day

Week 3

Skin became thicker and less elastic, also feels softer now

Voice feels a bit scratchy and can't hit some higher tones with my chest voice if that makes sense. Can sometimes go a tiny bit lower than before, but unsure if that's actually noticable to others.

Small increase in libido and tiny bit of bottom growth

Week 4

My hair feels less soft and a bit more textured

A few new tummy hairs c:

Another shark week, this one as bad as I can get. Horrible cramps and heavy bleeding for a week.

Intense hunger continued throughout the whole month

Aside from mood swings during shark weeks, I feel so balanced and calm now, like my hormones are just so chill compared to before

why i don’t like fasting and counting calories(yes, i will try both again during summer cuz i never listen to myself)

for like more than a year i fasted 21-24h a day, i only ate breakfast and then started fasting and did that everyday with no breaks

what happened?? fcking nothing bro 💀 i just got obsessed with fasting and i had a panic attack everytime i had to break it early. so i started to eat bigger breakfasts to not break the fast midway through and guess how that turned out 🙃 i’ll give u a hint: the word starts with b and ends with inge

so ye, my breakfasts turned into binges + i literally just couldn’t sleep, i woke up at 3-5 every single morning, didn’t matter when i went to sleep cuz i just couldn’t sleep + i had b12 and magnesium deficiency which meant i had the WORST leg cramps in the middle of the night 🙂 like my whole leg, yes, my foot too, would just randomly cramp so bad i couldn’t even stand up to walk it off + my thumbs also started uncontrollably shaking 😭which was very weird but it was annoying cuz they shook like they were fcking blenders istg

so ye, i slowly tried to stop fasting cuz i was deathly afraid of eating after certain times and i wanted to cure my binging problem, i wasn’t able to eat after lunch for months and then idk why but i had to eat after eight once and it’s been okay ever since lol, like the last thing i want is a fasting obsession cuz i wasn’t even obsessed with losing weight or starving at that point, i was literally obsessed with fasting and the fasting part only

now.. calorie counting.. 🚬 haven’t heard these 2 words together in a long time..

okay so.. calorie counting was my downfall as a human being 💀 like that’s the bitch that started everything for me

first i started eating healthy foods ONLY, which i was so fcking good at?? i made such good foods and i weighed like 50kg no matter what i ate, i was super strong, whenever i got my blood taken they would tell me how i was as healthy as a extremely healthy adult, it was just great, i had so much energy and i was more active and ye, should go back to that

then i started counting calories and- oh fck.

i started cutting down the calories i ate in a day, i decided to finally start losing weight when we were moving out of our old house cuz i knew no one had the time to focus on what i was eating

so, i cut down the calories. by like, A LOT

and i continued doing that and boom, i was suddenly scared of eating over 100 cals 🙃 i think the first time my mom actually noticed was when i blacked out infront of her lol

okay so i started rapidly losing weight, i was always in a shit mood, i was always super tired, i literally looked dead tbh, my mom told me that she could instantly tell that my face was weird, like i was a living corpse

and boom, i reached under 40 kg in like a month or so :// wasn’t worth it at all btw

so ye, i will start counting calories again but i’m sure i won’t start cutting them down that extremely anymore, i don’t think my health allows that, like i will LITERALLY die in my sleep if i do that and as much as i WANT to die, i’d like to actually be happy before that happens lol

so for summer, i’d just like to be more active and work out more + i’d want to get back into my healthy eating habits because they really worked, they didn’t do much when it came to weight loss but i DID look 100 times slimmer and i just felt stronger and healthier so ye lol

Thiam (or any m/m pairing) for the song "Escape" By Kehlani? Pining and/or oblivious Liam could be a thing. Idk how this works I've never done an ask lol

Escape - Kehlani - Request

~~~~~~~~~

All sense of time had long left him. He was caught in thecontinuous circle of waking, gasping for air, and running through the cold darkhospital until his heart was ripped violently from his chest. Some days Taradidn’t even let him leave the morgue, others she would let him wander thehospital aimlessly, whispering his name from some dark corner teasing him. Henever knew what he was going to get when he woke up desperately pulling airinto his lungs, never knew how long he would have until the inevitable painengulfed him. Some days he didn’t even feel like trying and just sat there onthe floor waiting for her to come crawling to him, which she seemed to get lesssatisfaction out of but came nonetheless. It was an endless cycle until onetime something changed.

“You ruined EVERYTHING.” He had, but there was no point inthinking about all of the wrong that he had done. He couldn’t take it back nowand he already had his sister reminding him of how big of a piece of shit hewas every time he woke up.

 He woke up panting like usual, but the familiar damp chillin the air wasn’t there. And that’s when he heard the voice again.

 “God I wish you were still here so I could beat the everliving shit out of you.” The voice growled. He would gladly accept the beatingover his personal hell. Anything, even some pain, was better than this… it hadto be.

 “No one trusts me anymore.” The voice sounded defeated,close to breaking. Before all of this Theo probably wouldn’t gotten off on it,but now it was different… he couldn’t describe it but he didn’t like the sound,he didn’t want to hear this person’s anguish. As if on cue, he heard his sister’shollow voice echo through the halls. But he wanted to listen to the voice somemore, it was mesmerizing and strangely soothing.

 “I don’t even know why I’m here, you probably can’t evenhear me anyway.” And then the warmth was gone making him shiver against thecold air that assaulted his skin once again. He didn’t even make it to the doorbefore his sister materialized in front of him doing what she did best. Theodidn’t black out like normal, this time he faded away slowly, hearing a beaten downbut honeyed voice whisper through his fraying mind.

 The customary cycle continued and Theo had almost forgottenabout his angel of warmth, thinking it must have been a figment of hisimagination, until he woke after a rather drawn out hunt, feeling the heatblanket him and it calmed his harsh breathing.

 “You said once that I was stronger than I looked.” The voicequietly rang out, making him jump as he wasn’t ready for it. “Maybe in strengthbut you failed to see how weak my mind was. Or maybe you did see it and that’swhy you chose me to attack Scott.” Liam? Liam was his angel of warmth? Liam wasthe one visiting? What in the actual fuck?

 “You used me, and I let you.” His voice cracked, thick withemotion. Fuck. Where was Tara? He couldn’t take this. The little angry wolfthat he had somehow caught feelings for, the one that he had promised himselfhe would take care of when he finally had the pack, was the one that he endedup hurting the most. He stood and ran in to the dark hallways that he hadbecome so intimate with.

 “Tara! Tara come get me!” He ran aimlessly trying to findher and Escape the sound of Liam’sbroken voice at the same time. But since it was hell, of course he wouldn’t getwhat he wanted.

 “My own fucking girlfriend sometimes even looks at me like I’mdangerous.”

 “TARA!”

 “You did this, Theo. You broke me and my pack. And then youleft me here with no way to fix it!” Liam’s voice started to get angry and Theowelcomed it. He didn’t know if he could bare the sound of Liam’s voice catchingas if he was crying again.

 Theeoooooooo. Yes,yes she was back. “Tara!”

“Never did I think I’dwant you.” Wait, what? Theo froze in his tracks. “You left me here, ALONE,to deal with everything.” Liam wanted him?

 Theooooooooo. Waitno, he had to hear the rest of this. He turned to run in the other directionbut spun to find the grudge looking girl behind him, already thrusting her handin his chest. He dropped to the floor urging himself to stay awake but he feltthe cold start to creep over his skin again.

 “Can’t believe I came back here.” Liam’s voice faded,sounding far away and then the cold fully enveloped him as the last of hiscoughed up blood dribbled from his mouth.

 The cycle repeated but this time Theo knew the angel ofwarmth was real. Every time he woke, he waited for the soothing heat to hit hisskin and was sadly disappointed each time it was slapped with briskness. On therare occasion that he did wake up to the calming balm against his skin, hehappily stayed tucked inside the morgue waiting to hear Liam’s voice. Sometimesit came and others it didn’t. But he knew that if he was warm it meant that Liamhad come to visit him, giving him some solace, so he couldn’t be too upset whenhe sat in silence.

 He began to welcome getting killed because each time he died,it meant that there was a chance he would wake up in his little wolf’s warmth.He wished he could see him, wished he could apologize for everything that hedid, wished that he could comfort the only person that he had come to careabout. He knew know just how badly he fucked up in his quest for power, he lostthe one thing he ever truly valued: belonging. Theo knew he belonged with Liam,the two of them just had something that couldn’t be ignored. He hated when Liamleft. Most of the time the boy would get sad and it made Theo feel like an evenbigger piece of shit, and then other times he would leave without a word,taking the heat with him and immediately opening the floodgates for his sister andher sword of an arm to rush back in.

 Before he knew it, more often than not he would wake fromhis violent death cocooned in the heat that Liam had created in his otherwisefrozen hell. Liam would talk about his day and tell him things that he couldn’ttell anyone else. Like when he described what his IED felt like to him and howbeing a werewolf intensified it or when he talked about how much he lovedHayden but he didn’t know if he was IN love with her… which made him very happyeven though he was stuck in hell and Liam was free to roam the earth to search for someone else. He sulkedover the last thought for 6 cycles in hell because Liam hadn’t been back tovisit so soon after his last confession. Knowing Liam, his little wolf probablyfelt guilty for actually voicing his own feelings instead of letting the otherstell him how to feel.

 Which was a whole different conversation in Theo’s mind, ifhe ever got out of hell, he was going to have a serious problem with Liam’spack based purely on the fact that they were suffocating him. Honestly, whyelse would the beta climb down in the tunnels to talk to a most likely deadperson locked in the ground? Point in case.

 A few more cycles came to pass and Theo had started to getworried that something was wrong until he woke up in the familiar embrace ofwarmth and sighed in relief. He waited for Liam to start babbling on abouthistory or lacrosse or *snarl* Hayden but the baby wolf stayed quiet. He wantedto scream and yell and ask what was wrong but he knew Liam wouldn’t hear him.He had tried it once and his voice went unheard to everyone but Tara, who tookhim away from Liam quicker than usual so from then on he just stayed silent.

 He felt the warmth begin to fade and looked down in sadness,Liam hadn’t resided long today which must have meant he had a bad day. And baddays usually meant that he sometimes would take longer between visits. Theofelt the melancholy feeling spread through his body before the warmth returnedand then faded again. It kept going like that for a while, confusing Theo withthe yoyo effect it was having on his body. Was Liam pacing? That could be theonly reason to explain the drastic change to the temperature along with Theo’smood every few seconds. Until it stopped, finally fully warming the air in thesmall room.

 “I’ve been trying toput it all into words.” And then the temperature fluctuation was back,taking Theo’s heartbeat along for the ride. Liam’s anxiousness was seeping intothe room and Theo started to choke on it. “I know why I’m not in love withHayden.” Theo’s froze, his breath hitching in his throat, as heat poured in theroom now making it almost uncomfortable. “’Cause,baby, I’ve been falling for you.” Theo’s wolf and coyote howled inside him,pushing at the skin to be let loose so they could try to find their way to Liam,but they were locked inside of him as hell seemed to have a special kind ofmountain ash just for him.

 He barely had time to enjoy what he had just heard, for hissister appeared in that moment looking more menacing than normal.

 “He can’t have what doesn’t belong to you.” She snappedbefore she plunged her hand in Theo’s chest and ripped his heart out. But forthe first time, Theo withered away in warmth, feeling the love of his littlewolf surrounding him and making it easier to pass peacefully.

 The next cycles were grueling, Theo had lost count of howmany there were since Liam’s last visit, and Tara had been relentless. Stillseemingly mad about what Liam had confessed and how it had made Theo feel.

 But he finally woke up to his favorite feeling. The feelingwas fleeting. Theo could tell immediately that Liam was pacing and that morethan anxiety was leaking through their strange connection.

 God little wolf, what’swrong? He thought to himself, not daring to open his mouth and alert Tara. Hefound himself pacing in the cramped morgue, on edge because he couldpractically feel the same sentiment in Liam. The pacing stopped and so did his.

 “There’s something weird going on. People are disappearingand there’s these puffs of green smoke and something about a Stiles… I don’teven know if that’s a person or a thing…” Liam trailed off and Theo felt everycell in his body freeze. The Wild Hunt.Oh shit, fuck, shit. Liam run away, runfar far away! I can’t let you loseyourself looking for me!

 “Theo what do I do? I know you would know what to do, youalways had a plan.”

 Yeah my plans alwaysinvolved me escaping danger, NOT RUNNING IN TO IT LIKE YOU AND YOUR STUPIDFRIENDS DO. Theo was freaking out and he began to walk the halls of thehospital, searching for a way to get out for the millionth time but this timehe felt a little more urgency. Please don’tget taken, please don’t get taken. He repeated while kicking doors open andshoving things out of his way.

 “Can we escape?”Liam’s voice sounded far.

 The electrifying warmth was gone almost instantly after hekicked open the door to another empty room. Only it wasn’t empty anymore, therestood Tara ready for the kill. His last thought before drifting off to deathwas Little wolf.

 The rounds came andwent, each one without Liam’s warmth left Theo more and more hopeless. Liam hadprobably been taken and now he was stuck to live in biter hell without hisdaily dose of heaven to keep him going. Theo went through the motions, nolonger caring about the pain Tara inflicted on him. The sun was gone, givingway to a moonless night, and leaving him with the truth: he was no one and hehad no one.  That thought plagued himeach time he woke up and each time Tara put him down.

 One cycle he woke up feeling the warmth he had come to cravebut knew there was no way possible that he was actually feeling it. Looks likeTara had found a new and more effective way to torture him. Until the heatstarted to become a little unbearable, as in it was scorching. Theo wiped atthe sweat dripping off his forehead but his hands only came back with the blacksoot from the ground that had swallowed him whole.

 A loud crack sounded and he snapped his head up look at the ceilingwhere a visible shattered line now sat. The temperature kept rising with eachtile that the crack broke through until it covered the whole space above hishead. Theo was panting, the heated air too thick to breathe, and he thrust ahand up trying to protect himself from the blast of blue light that showereddown. When his hand went up he suddenly felt a dash of cool air and solidcement.

 He immediately grasped at the ground not wasting anothersecond in case this opportunity was time sensitive, and pulled himself roughlyup the cracked concrete until he was standing in the tunnels where it allstarted. His animals rejoiced and pushed forward illuminating his eyes andallowing his claws and canines to spring free from containment. Standing in frontof him was Hayden and his angel, holding the sword he never wanted to seeagain.

 He had gotten him out, his little wolf had got him out ofhell and was so happy that he couldn’t keep his animals from lunging at him andpushing him against the nearest wall. Only realizing how it must have looked aggressiveto them when Hayden snarled and told Liam to send him back.

 “No!” He growled at her before turning to face Liam. “Please,Liam please, don’t make me go back.” He looked into the ocean blue eyes he hadbeen picturing every time Liam had come to visit him and pleaded.

 Liam opened his mouth and Theo was actually too terrified tohear what he was going to say so he said the first thing that popped in to hishead. “I heard you!” He yelled and Liam looked at him confused. “I heard you…every time you came here… I heard you.” He whispered and watched Liam’s eyes widen.

 “Alright, that’s enough, Liam let’s go.” He heard Haydencall out from behind him. He growled but searched Liam’s eyes, looking for allof the sentiment his little wolf had said to him over the past however manymonths.

 Liam’s mouth opened and closed a few times before heactually managed to get words out. “It’s okay Hayden, just give me a minute to explainwhy he’s here to him. We’ll be right up.” He said quietly dismissing her andTheo let his tense hold on him relax a bit.

 “I heard you.” He whispered again.

 “You heard me?” Liam asked, completely dumbfounded.

 He nodded. “You kept me sane even though I hate to know I made you crazy for myself.”He said sighing and leaned his dirty forehead against Liam’s.             

 “Okay what the fuck is this?” Hayden’s annoying voicesounded in the tunnel. Theo’s senses had been blocked for so long he hadn’teven sensed her still standing there while Liam seemed to be too lost in thefact that Theo was actually standing in front of him to notice that she hadn’tleft.

 “You’re still here,” Theo snarled not breaking the contacthe had with Liam until the last second when he whipped his head to face her, “Why?”

 “Liam is-”

 “MINE.” The menacing word left Theo’s lips and it was pureanimal. He felt Liam thread his fingers in to his clawed ones and he squeezedhard. He had been through hell and now nothing was going to take his warmthaway from him. Nothing. Liam squeezed back and then whispered in his ear soonly he could hear.

 “Let me talk to her… she won’t listen to me if you’re here.”Theo shuddered as his warm breath tickled his ear, he forgot what it felt liketo be touched without pain. The hand holding didn’t count because they currentlyhad each other in a death grip, which with their strength was enough to snap afew bones. Theo sighed and slowly released his hand, sending a warning growl tothe girl across from them.

 He looked back at Liam and narrowed his eyes. “Five minutes.I’ve been stuck down there for god knows how long,” He said silently tellingLiam what he really meant was he had been without Liam for too long, “fiveminutes. That’s all I can wait.”

 “What are you talking about?” Hayden inquired but Theoignored her and walked off, giving Liam the space he asked for. He heard themstart to bicker and Hayden telling Liam to put him back in the ground. Hefocused on putting one foot in front of the other so he wouldn’t go back andrip her heart so she got a taste of what he had been going through.

 He wandered aimlessly in the familiar tunnels, brushing hisfingers along the cement walls that used to be his home. Thinking about allthat he had done resulting in his inevitable trip to hell. He had to bedifferent this time. He had to be better, not just for him, but for Liam. Liamneeded him and he’d be damned, no pun intended, if he fucked it up again.

 Just as he finished promising himself to really try at beinggood he heard footsteps echoing off the walls. Whoever it was they wererunning, and he prepared himself to see Hayden turn the corner with the swordto put him back in the ground. Instead, the sight of a shorter boy with blueeyes that he had fell in love with while locked in hell filled his eyes. Theystood there for a second just staring at each other, taking in the reality ofboth being there in the flesh.

 Then both of them were powerfully striding towards eachother, stopping only when they were standing chest to chest with theirforeheads pressed together again.

 “You’re really here.” Liam breathed wrapping his arms aroundhim and burying his face in Theo’s neck.

 “You brought me back.” He said nuzzling him in return. Theystayed like that, locked in their embrace, for a few moments before a sharpsting hit Theo’s neck and he jumped.

 “Ow, what the fuck!” He yelled trying to pull back but Liamheld him tightly in his arms and murmured in his ear.

 “That’s for leaving me in the mess you created.” Theonarrowed his eyes, two could play that game. His canines dropped and he brokethe skin on Liam’s neck miming spot he got bit, causing Liam to yelp.

 “That’s for leaving me in hell so long.” He retorted. Hefelt Liam’s lips brush softly at the spot he had just bitten.

 “I’m sorry.” He whispered and Theo returned the sentiment,kissing the skin softly and then apologizing.

 They both pulled back looking into each other’s eyes and slowlyleaning forward, meeting with their lips softly and unsure at first, but itquickly morphed into a battle for dominance.

 “If you two are quite done, there’s people with creepyleather faces making people disappear into green smoke running around town andtaking our friends.”

 Theo pulled away and sighed angrily. “She’s still here… why.”Liam sighed as well but then chuckled.

 “Because we save people, it’s what we do. That includes younow.”

 “Joy.” He replied sarcastically.

 “You can always go back to hell if you’d rather not help. Iknow I wouldn’t mind.” Hayden commented.

 “Let’s go before I make HER disappear.” He growled takingLiam’s hand, feeling the well-known warmth surround him.

~~~~~~~

Hiiiiiii! Lyrics used are in bold. I hope you like it @i-am-a-hopeless

XO - K

Update

Hey lovelies.  Okay so it’s been over a month since my surgery, and I’m finally here with an update. Hold on tight ‘cause it’s going to get long.    I actually wanted to do some regular updates, but I just really didn’t have the energy or mood to do it.  I’ve also left out a lot, mostly because due to me repressing this entire thing, I can’t really put things together very easily (time, dates, details, etc). And because I’ve spend the last month watching and rewatching one show and movie after the other, my mind has chosen to focus on television rather than what’s been going on. Basically this entire experience is almost forgotten, even as it’s still happening. I’ll be updating this post regularly as time passes, so new info and more details will come, along with possible pictures etc. However I probably won’t be reblogging it more than once or twice (for my timezone struggling mutuals), unless I’ll decide to make phone updates, then I’ll be reblogging this post with the update, but I probably won’t, so I won’t be annoying anyone, so if you want to stay tuned about this, this post will be stored in my #updates tag. I’ll be writing down here whenever I update, so it’ll be easier to check for those interested.  Posted: 26/10 Update: 27/10

Monday 25th september I was as most of you may know, going under the knife again, this time for a jaw surgery. The day of the surgery wasn’t fun to say the least, it was early in the morning so there wasn’t many people awake and aware of my situation to send me off, but I did get some messages, and that was really nice. As I think I’ve mentioned in a previous update post, I got sick literally the day before the surgery, and that I figured that that would make them post-pone the surgery, ‘cause that’s like basic medical knowledge? Doctors very rarely choose to operate on a patient However my mom didn’t care and the nurses didn’t seem to either. Turns out they should’ve, and that in fact, I was right; I shouldn’t have had the surgery when having a flu, ‘cause not only does it make things worse, it can fuck up a lot.  Anyway, I got in at around 9am, luckily earlier than expected. I was being put to sleep through needle instead of mask which I am very grateful for, much less triggering. I was allowed to bring my phone in, so I fell asleep to the sound of music (fun fact: the OR had surprisingly good connection? not that I used it). The surgery took an hour longer than expected (so instead of 3, it turned out to be 4), the reason for that I either don’t know or can’t remember. It should’ve gone okay as far as I was told. I slept five hours afterwards, unlike the other times were I was forced to stay awake due to the blood and open wounds.  My mom told me later on that she had wanted to take a photo of me after the surgery, since I looked “so nice” compared to the previous surgeries. I didn’t have all that blood everywhere as I’ve usually had, and despite the swelling it didn’t look bad according to her. The red/blue/green/yellow/purple colors in my face hadn’t come through much then either.  I was brought to my room again late evening.  The second day was hell. Just everything. But I was out and walking at night. And I ate a little. But everything was just bad. The third day was when the swelling was at it’s maximum. Things weren’t much different from the day before, except I got more used to being in a hospital.  Thursday, the forth day, I had to walk down to the clinic (clinic at the hospital), in hospital gown and those blood-cloth-socks, which was all just.. yeah I didn’t like that. I had to walk through the cafeteria area and the hall and I couldn’t walk more than one slow step after the other and even without anxiety it was just.. very uncomfortable in every way possible. At the clinic itself, it was awful. They had to sluice(?) my mouth, it was so aggressively done I literally felt like I was being drowned. And also, hardcore stream of water directly against your newly stitched-together wounds is not a pleasant feeling in case anyone should wonder. My mom, who’d been staying with me at the hospital, insisted on going home that day. I personally didn’t want to. And the doctors didn’t recommend it either, due to the state of swelling I was in; the ear-nose-and-neck doctor was especially against it, fearing the swelling would increase around my throat. But home we went. Regrets arriving pretty quickly after. Not only was the walk from my room, down the elevator and out to the car, very uncomfortable, the wind made me feel sick af.  Doing the night, I started throwing up. And keep in mind, doing those first days I ate what all together would’ve made less than one regular one-person diner meal. So I didn’t really have anything in my stomach that could come up you know? So my stomach started cramping, trying to find something to get out. Mouth water, mucous and blood came up with stomach acid, causing my throat to hurt for days after (and when I say  hurt, I don’t mean the flu-hurt kind, I mean it felt like my throat had been turned inside-out, then polished with sandpaper, then run over and then put back in). And it just wouldn’t stop. My mom called the emergency doctor who came and gave me a shot of antiemetic. I feel asleep shortly after, for 3 hours until it was time for pills.  As for medicine and pills, I was prescripted to take daily: 8 pinemol (500mg) and 6 ibumetin (400mg). Then one laxative and 4 antiemetic.   Later on (around 2 weeks ago) I got a nasty infection around one of the stiches under my upper gums-ish. So then I had to take even more pills. Pencilllin for a week (3 times daily, to a meal), along with a stronger dosis of antiemetic (Ondansetron Aurobindo, 4mg, 2-3 times daily) pills (originally they wanted to give me a type of pill used for cancer patients treated with radiation, but since I can’t stand bad tastes, they decided on those instead. They taste like pineapple lol) and some lactic acid pills (once a day).  With the infection came a massive step-back for me. I woke up daily with gross taste and this grumsy looking stuff in my mouth, for a long time, way before I found out why. Then one night, as I was cleaning my mouth, I must have poked an even bigger hole in it, ‘cause then it just started coming out faster and more of it. I woke up at 2am that night with a massive swelling in my left cheek, and when I was woken up at around 7:40, my cheek had grown so big I could barely see out of my eyes, again. The swelling from surgery had gone down a lot, however there had been a slight difference between each sides; my left cheek have been bigger and way more sore than my right, already early on, so the infection has been there for a long time. We got an appointment at the hospital clinic and he could quickly determent that it was indeed an infection. I took my first pencillin pill the same day.  However. That night I started throwing up again and my mom ended up calling the emergency doctor again (fun story; the doctor who picked up actually previously worked for the clinic I go to, he’s even assisted to the type of surgery I had). He told my mom I threw up due to the pencillin (and that it was perfectly normal), hence me being prescripted stronger antiemetics. The next day when my mom called my doctor to get the prescription, it turns out the dosis of pain meds I’ve been given is way too much. Damaging much in fact. So my three weeks use of that can possibly have effected my liver. So that’s nice. Maximum is 8 pinemol and 3 ibumetin a day. That’s 3 x 400mg ibumetin too much daily for three weeks. That is not good. Now I take them based on need, which turns out to not be much. I take 2 pinemol in the morning, 2 at night, and then throughout the day it kinda variates. I often take 2 in the afternoon/evening due to my teeth being too sore. And that’s it. So the massive amount of painkillers was probably never even necessary.  I got the shine off tuesday, making me now able to chew in soft-only things. My first meal was fries (I literally just got out of the clinic when I asked my mom if we could go get fries onn the way home lol). I got homemade pizza for dinner. And I finally ate ice cream without having to melt it into liquid and then drink it. It’s nice eating instead of drinking. it’s nice getting to eat instead of drink my food, really.   The infection is now gone, and I took my last pincillin pill this morning, so that’s nice. However, when I got the shine off, they changed my rubberbands and the position of them, to a place where the hooks are so small and almost invisible, so when I put them on I’m scratching hole into my gums. I’m going into the clinic again tomorrow to have it checked, and hopefully fixed.  Anyway it’s late and I should go to sleep, so I’ll post now even though I’m far from done. I might get around to edit it tomorrow though, then also write how things went at the clinic.  I’ll end this by giving a giant thanks to everyone who’s sent me messages, all the encouraging few but important people rooting for me. Especially @hamykia for regularly asking me for updates and how I’ve been doing. It meant so much to me, ‘cause there’s been so many people who seemed to not give a shit or even forget what type of situation I’ve been in and still am in. As I’ve told you before, feeling like you legitimately cared for me has been one of the better things to keep me going through this.  And ofc also Meg for being the only one around every single day. Even when it’s shortly, I can always count on you being around. And also some of my mutuals who’ve reached out to me and given me their wishes and kind words, also those before the surgery. Thank you guys. :) And as an end, I’d like to just thank the nurses at the teeth-mouth and jaw surgical ward. They treated me better than the nurses did at the childrens ward has ever done, which was shocking. They were extraordinarily patient and understanding, and knew exactly what they were dealing with. I was in good hands. Thank you.  Update:  - I got the hook changed and it’s a lot easier now. Left side is still a struggle though and in the right side I've accidentally cut into my gums like once or twice. But the new hooks are adjustable so I guess it’s just a matter of testing and getting used to. - I found out today that they’ve kept from me yet another surgery detail. I won’t get the feeling back in my palate for around a year. And the feeling in my chin and lower lip still isn’t there which they say “is normal”. So that’s really nice. Fuck you doctors. :) (note: because I from the very first mention of the surgery told them very clearly that I did not want to go through with it, they’ve done everything to make it seem like nothing, something simple and struggle-less, keeping details hidden from me, sugar coding things, and so on. I didn’t even know I had to get the shine on until a couple of days prior surgery. I didn’t even know where they would make the cuts. Back when I asked, all they said was it was going to be inside my mouth; as if that wasn’t obvious. And I didn’t know that an effect of the surgery has done so my chin is 1/3 size of what it was pre-surgery. I’m very angry because of this to say the least. I feel like l’ve been unwillingly lead to pure hell all because I a. trusted them and b. they already planned the whole thing and because of my anxiety and personality I can’t let people down when they’ve spend weeks planning something. I should’ve never had this surgery, and the regrets just keeps getting worse and worse with every passing day.) - One of the four screws (which I btw hadn’t been told about either, and found out about days after as I was cleaning my mouth), has grown into my gums. I have a screw under my skin now, a screw I wasn’t even told was going to be there, now has to be cut free if they have to use them. And as a side note, I don’t know how they’re going to get them out after this whole shit show is over with, and they avoided telling me so now I’m stuck with this entire thing without knowing the end of it.   

* PLEASE feel free to ask any questions. You can send me an ask or hit me up with a message. I’ll reply through both, to anything you may have any thoughts on. I might add your question to this post, though unmentioned unless requested.