#Chronic migraines fucking suck
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Having physical ailments is like;"I'm gonna do shit!" While feeling shitty and then wondering why the shitty feeling is getting worse
( I say this because I stood up to fast while my head was already pounding them proceeded to almost pass out while cleaning my room)
#Pots#I have pots#And a fucking migraine#Chronic migrains#Chronic migraines fucking suck#But the med I'm on for it scares me so I won't take it#I already took it within the past 7 days#Which#I should prolly get it refilled#I have 3 left#no beta we die like jason todd#Chronic illness#I just get called lazy lmfao#Sorry this is different from my normal stuff#I just#✨️am hurt and tired✨️#Like#I also have hypermobility#So I feel creaky#And tired#And lightheaded#And hurty#screaming crying throwing up#pots syndrome#hypermobility#chronic migraine#Oof#That feels like a lot
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My head is currently committing third degree murder on me
A double length class of psychology is not helping
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Treatment
“Take this pill,” They say.
Take this pill and it should work
In a month,
Three months,
Six.
Take this pill,
And it will make you tired.
They all make you tired,
Because they act on the brain,
You see.
Take this pill,
“We’re sorry the others didn’t work.”
We will smile
Sympathetically.
We do care.
Take this
Pill.
It will make you dizzy.
Take this
Injection.
Since it is treatment resistant
Now.
It will hurt,
It will make you itch.
You can still keep taking the old ones,
In case they end up working
Too.
Take this pill,
It should work in one month,
Three months,
Six.
No, we don’t know
Why this is happening.
We don’t know
How to fix it.
Your blood screening was
Normal.
Your CT scan was
Normal.
Take this pill.
-Lane Aconite,
March 5th, 2023
#poetry#my work#lane archives#chronic pain#chronic migraines#chronic illness#this poem is still pretty ouch#the us medical system can really suck in its cyclical lack of progress regarding finding out what's “wrong” with a person#due to crazy long wait times for appointments & processing referrals as well as 4 profit health insurance#my chronic migraines had to escalate into epilepsy for me to be seen by an actual neurologist and be taken seriously & even now I still fee#neglected by the system#not because my drs are bad but because they're overloaded with patients#it's really exhausting & difficult to have to fight at every turn to receive the care we need & deserve when we're bent over in pain#in my experience this repetitive cycle really broke down my ability to advocate for myself for a while because I was just too depressed#but hey if you're reading this and you relate: I love you. You deserve to feel better and to be supported by your physicians#I'm getting better care now but healing isn't linear#and if you have insurance & you're feeling absolutely fucking crushed by the system pls look up if they have a nurse advice line & call the#to see if they're able to set up a complex care coordination plan & if the nurses themselves can set up appointments for you#it really helps to have an insurance lady or 3 you can call to set up appts & referrals or check on them to see where they're stuck#I could write a poem dedicated to all the wonderful women in social services who are literally saving my life every time they call
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I always want to post more about my yard on here, but I get frustrated and self-concious because my disabilities prevent me from doing everything I want to do and frequently derail my plans. I do want to post some of the cool stuff I’m doing, though! I just need to get over the mental hurdle where I feel frustrated about all the cool stuff I’m not doing or have failed at.
#I’ve been getting a bad sun rash every time I’m outside lately#MCAS means I’m allergic to literally the entire outdoors#the heat exacerbates the POTS and CFS#I injure myself thanks to the EDS#ADHD/PMDD/autism means I frequently overcommit and fail and go into a doom spiral#chronic migraine also means my ability to complete tasks fluctuates because I might plan to do something and then bam. 2 day migraine#it sucks because I was raised on a farm#I’ve loved nature my entire life#my earliest special interests were wildlife and native plants#and to finally have a place where I can indulge those interests but am physically prevented from doing so sucks fucking ass
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I get this recurring pain and pressure at the base of my skull where it joins to my neck and today its flared up so bad im getting those swimmy not-quite-passing-out feelings from standing up/moving around and literally nothing I've tried has made it better so if you lot have any advice, hit me
#chronic illness#chronic pain#i cant even tell if the issue is radiating downwards from my head or upwards from my spine but either way i feel absolutely wretched#i get a lot of coat-hanger pain in general but that usually loosens up once i manage to crack my neck a bit and apply a hot compress#but thats done fuck all this time and i feel like my head is full of very painful cotton wool#the painkillers also keep wearing off even faster than usual which sucks ass#have been lying down in a dark room with noise cancelling headphones on for a few hours in case its a weird migrain but no help there#i dont want to google it bc i *will* accidentally convince myself im dying
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i hate comorbidities my body explodes in eight different directions and then shouts go white boy go
#chronic illness#chronic pain#migraine#this is about me getting migraine auras after starting the pill for something unrelated#it’s STUPID#hormones#can suck my dick#my soul cock#whatever the fuck#comorbid conditions#comorbidities
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I understand that your doctor wants to see you before renewing prescriptions, but I put in a request for a refill on Monday and it was denied on Tuesday. I talked to a nurse this morning who set up an appointment for next Thursday. When I told her my nightly medication that I take to prevent migraines will run out before then and asked for a few days worth of meds to be filled to get me to the appointment, they just said 'nope.' Apparently, people are asking for one month to hold them over until their appointments and then after filling the prescription canceling the appointment. So, my neurologist's new policy is to just have her patients go without until she sees them. I really wish I had known that two weeks ago when I probably could have been squeezed in before I run out of meds.
I know that making an appointment was just one of the many balls that got dropped this Fall thanks to buying a house and moving and transferring my job. But it really feels shitty that I'm going to be without my preventative meds for four days just because some people go against the office policy. I'm already so stressed about possibly having a migraine for four days straight and possibly having to call out of work (where I've only been for about a month at this point).
#rant#medical rant#I fucking hate it here#U.S. medical system fucking sucks#like. obviously I wouldn't be one of those people who cancels the appointment because you would only be filling a four day prescription#that would only get me TO the appointment day#obviously I need more than that before I just brush off my appointment#shit#chronic illness problems#chronic migraines#migraines#personal#spoonie
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i have a lot of thoughts on the current up plot as a Kyle Fan but i am not coherent enough to talk about it bc you guessed it, my health sucks rn
speaking of being a kyle fan, i am going to do the annotated gl1990 run thing still whenever i can actually read comics for longer than 30 minutes
#nox txt.#migraines fucking Suck is all i wanna say#i have been just existing the last week or so because chronic health issues are shitty
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the way that stress and trauma fucks with your body is nuts to me. Like your brain decides “wow do you know what else we can do besides cover ourselves in the Mental Gunk(tm)? Give you heart palpitations and chronic migraines”
#CPTSD sucks bro and the last year since my best friend died did NOT help#plus. Whatever the fucks happening in life these past months#Chronic migraines were always a thing after childhood cptsd shit but heart things are newer and not great#I think. They started when my friend got sick n died but I couldn’t ignore them anymore after they got a lot worse#when other things happened#It’s been almost a year now since she died and it still hurts like yesterday#I think the recent things on top of trying to heal just really drove a dagger in me#Idk I’m sick of sleepless nights and my body deciding it wants to kill me#I feel like a rat#stubbornly clinging on in a world that wants you gone#Because you’ll get the cheese someday#but when?
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There's something comforting I guess about waking up feeling wrong and bad and not really knowing why... And then getting an alert on my phone that the pressure is dropping. Silent migraines are embarrassing as hell because even though I'm glad to not have the awful pain, the fact that it just screws me up emotionally (at first, before moving on to mild stroke symptoms) makes it so hard for me to take seriously and I assume nobody else does either. I wanted to strangle my roommate this morning because they woke me up, even though I had gotten enough sleep. Just tear them a new asshole. But I don't do that, so I just sat on it, and then the alert showed up and I just. Ah. I'm entirely overstimulated and sensitive to everything because the migraine is coming. And I woke up that way.
I don't want to be someone with moods like the weather. It's embarrassing. I want full control over everything in my brain, which I know intellectually is not possible and even harmful to try for but I HATE being at the mercy of basically the literal wind. It's not something a mood stabilizer can fix. Caffeine, my adhd meds, and migraine meds as a last resort are all I have, and each has their pitfalls.
#Tomorrow will very likely be even worse!#We'll see#Chronic-les#Like at the end of the day who's going to want to be with someone with that kind of issue#Silent migraines sound fake as hell and yet it took me 19 painstaking years to arrive at the conclusion of them#I have an answer and the answer is 'whoof yeah sorry buddy that fucking sucks good luck'#Which I know is an eternal chronic illness mood
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Yo sicky tumblr I've been to the hospital 8 times this month anybody got me beat
#illness#migrain#possible tumor#tumor tw#probably just migraines but basically this has fucked#5 of the visits happened this week#this os chronically ill culture i know the ER rooms by their number now and ive had the same PA twice#they all know me its hey whats up its me again you know the drill#this has sucked not this has fucked#it has decidedly not fucked
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listen i dont like fëanor but i can't deny that getting so mad you literally burst into flames and crumble away into ash is kinda fucking relatable
#i was about to go “do i have to tag this for spoilers” in my own head as though the silm isnt literally older than me#tbf not as many people read it as lotr or the hobbit but still. come on brain wtf#esp since someone would have to be really weird to come on my blog specifically to complain about spoilers lmao#i do think its funny I've only now gotten around to readinf it but its taking me so long to make myself listen to it that i keep forgetting#things especially in the really long chapters#to the extent now i find myself going “oh maybe i need to write down names because of course everyone has to start with an f”. i was doing#okay and then i went a really long time without reading so now im like wait wait go back#which sucks because i usually dont have trouble getting through long books. admittedly i listen more than read lately#but still. i think it took me maybe a week to get through priory the first time? like i dont think its that im not interested i just havent#had a lot of energy to expend or to get really into things? idk i keep forgetting from finals up till now has been extra bad in terms of..#..pain. chronic migraines gonna migraine ig. i bitch about it like i havent lived this way for years n years. but they were never as bad..#..until i started college and now theyve been worse than ever. i hate thinking about how much time i always lose. how much time ill always#be losing. sorry how the fuck did this turn into a tangent.
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How to professionally say “I feel like my mind and body are failing me and it’s causing me to be mentally and physically unwell to the degree that I can’t do anything nearly every day”
#I keep having to miss my lab shifts because of stuff#and I feel really bad about it#but it’s all real shit#like I had an optical migraine and couldn’t see (I work at a microscope most of the time)#and my vertigo has been kicking my ass which means I’ve been joining class online because I can’t look between the board and my notes#and I have a hard time walking there because I have to sit down so I don’t throw up or pass out#but like. god this chronic shit fucking sucks#my stomach has been killing me too#and last night my whole back broke out in a rash and I’m still super itchy#I just haven’t been able to get a break all semester and it’s getting to me mentally
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The worst kind of insomnia is the kind where you are exhausted all day and manage to even get a nap. And almost fall asleep at your "normal" bedtime. ... But, for whatever reason, you DON'T fall asleep, and then suddenly it's 1:30 in the morning and you're still awake.
It's like my brain is like "well, you missed your chance to fall asleep so I guess you didn't REALLY want to."
Add not feeling great due to an unclear malady (possibly a multi-day migraine....possibly something else) and a 19-month-old and you have a recipe for a very shitty day tomorrow. Luckily Monotasker is WFH tomorrow so at least I'll have a chance to sleep in or take a nap despite Peanut not having daycare. And I might get to go out to lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a while (as long as I feel up to driving) so that will be great.
I think my insomnia is somewhat caused by how much of my days with Peanut keep me kind of constantly "on" without being able to use my computer or anything so I end up sacrificing sleep to get that time at night.
0/10 - not a strategy I would recommend.
#this is also somewhat caused by my chronic pain flaring this week#and of course my new primary care provider is still pushing hard on tapering my pain meds#so painsomnia means I have to decide whether to mortgage pain relief now for not having pain relief later#it fucking sucks#chronic pain#spoonie life#chronic illness#insomnia#migraines#painsomnia#at least I'm way less stressed this week then i've been in awhile because monotasker and i got to go away last weekend without peanut#for the very first time#first vacation since 2019 actually#thanks to alaric greyson for being the best uncle in the world
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One thing about me I’m going to complain about not wanting to go to work the night before an opening shift but I’m gonna complain more when I get scheduled for mids
#people who have work before 5am rise up#work in 4 hours and I simply do not want to go#couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that I’ve got immense stress in my life coupled with immense sadness#and it’s causing a chronic pain AND migraine flare up#I was supposed to get all my tasks done today but instead I just ended up getting 2 things done and then feeling extremely sick#the 100+ degree heat is not helping anything#my car’s ac doesn’t work#my car is repeatedly overheating#i miss [redacted] so goddamn much I can’t even explain or fully comprehend it#my mom won’t tell me how she actually feels because she doesn’t comprehend the gravity of the situation (live laugh love dimentia + MS)#I’m down hours this week because I’ve sorta called out plus I was only at 25 originally because the store near us is closed for remodel and#we have some of their people taking up labor hours at our store#managed to get back up to 36 hours but then I left early monday#and got 2.5 of my 5 hours covered Tuesday#so now here I am and I’m stressed and it just fucking sucks#i miss having her as a constant#as an anchor#even with chaos happening in my life I could always count on her#and did my best at the time to make sure she knew she could count on me#i tried so hard#i miss her#i miss my lovebug keeping me grounded when my brain felt like it would just float away#guys I’m so tired I need to try and go back to sleep#send good vibes please#especially if you made it this far#I’m talking#broken petals
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Ignore
#delete later#well the muscles ive strained in my backare still pissed off enough to go into spasm when i lie down but rhey are getting better#previous nights ive been taking ibuprofen and using yhe painkiller gel and using an ice pack andstill been contorted in pain#tonight ive just got tge gel abd tge ice abd it is spasming but not as violently#last night i was awake for 40 minutes wgere the spasms were through inro my diaphragm that wasnt fun#but it is improving. also this is with the core strengthening exercises ive been doing the past few months so god knows#how bad this would've been before! back pain isnt something I'm used to abd hey it fucking sucks!#but im getting better at telling when my body is starting to increase pain and spasming and taking painkillers then#instead of when im in tve depths of it. knee spasms are pretty common eveb though im off the crutch#foot still isbt right but im hoping this weekend i can try walking just a few ninutes withoit any aid at all#we'll see how that goes. im hopeful.#also the lingering migraine pain is completely gone so I should be clear for a long while now yay!#chronic pain truly affects life outlook in wild ways#here's hoping the baxk pain doesn't wake me up early in the morning 🤞🤞🤞
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