will it ever be enough? when someone loves you, you feel something curl inside of you, sour and whiplike, angry at being unheard. they don't really love you, they love this facsimile you have ensconced in your rabbit body. they will chop up the bits of you looking for luck and never find the good soul you promise - their love slides off. you're viscera; you have spent a lifetime promising the blood is art.
oh but when someone hates you - well, they're right to. and you'd trip over your little grassknot legs for them. begging them to reconsider. you feel it all knifeedge, spinepoint straight through you. they're the ones who see the real you, after all; and if they can love you, you might finally feel worth something.
but if they do love you in the end, after all of that, after your heart like a fawn opens to gutter under them - you've fooled them, and it isn't worth anything anymore. they've just gone and fallen for it. the love slides right off.
once, you heard a line in a musical about being abandoned. you laughed at the time, unnerved. your voice a keen; too shaky to be candid.
will it ever be enough. will the love ever diffuse through your skin and sink into your marrow. are you even capable of feeling that - of feeling cared for - or are you still waiting, even right now, for the hunter to draw the bow and arrow. if you trust that love, even once, and are wrong, you know exactly what will happen.
and somehow you know - you'll never be able to fix that, once it's been broken.
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haha maybe one of the primary reasons that harry finally goes to therapy after the game (41st being a busy station, and harry not remembering a single thing, and kim transferring might not help too much with leaving everyone with a ton of free time) is how he realizes how much hes started idolizing kim. his own innocence right in front of him. staring up at him like he did a broken stained glass windown not so long ago. maybe his final push to prioritize getting therapy, not letting this all too familiar feeling take him over again. he might not remember exactly but hes seen what it resulted in first hand, hes experienced it.
third times the charm, this time it might completely tear both of them down, untill there is nothing left. there is remnants of the previous two times within him and jean and in a bit of everyone around them. harrys bearly starting to connect the dots of his previous life but he knows for certain it would be the last time if he spirals into this obsession again.
(i like to think that a bit after jean and harry met and became partners at 41st, they dated for like a month max. harry was still reacently recovering from the breakup with dora and jean was there as a sort of savior from that. right person wrong time sort of thing ig? then broke up after realizing how fucking bad it was for both of them. maybe they still might be a bit bitter it didnt work out and maybe they still want it to but in the end it was better (not by much) for eveyone like this)
the ending where kim joins 41st (ive only played that one so far and havent watched any of the others yet, but man its been living in my head rent free) is such a catalyst for change within 41st. one of the top detectives from an other station is already going to be such a big help to lessen the stress and workload for the others already there. kims arrival, and harry seeking therapy (hopefully jean too that bitch needs it a shit ton too), it gives the whole station time to breath, to truly catch a break. with a slightly lessened work load on each of the members, they have time to focus on things other then work, to not have to drink themselves into amnesia on the job (*cough cough* harry- but imo jean and the others just as much, theyre more responsible on the job but its hard as fuck on them too, especially with harry pre game)
within time, lots of time, they can all grow close again, harry can get to know each of them over again and things can not just go back to the way they were but better
thats what i wanna think anyway, pls just let then be happy oml
anyway thats all i wrote this at 2 am pls dont mind if its fucked lmaoo
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I always see these posts about Maedhros and Elwing, like yes both leap to their deaths clutching a Silmaril and I adore the foil allegories, but what of Maglor??
My tiktok feed has been playing that one fan Odysseus song, the "get in the water, or ill raise the tides so high all of Ithaca will die" song, and I cant help but just picture Maglor, at the ends of his rope, covered in Ambarussa's blood, the youngest son of Feanor again after spending an untold amount of time being the second oldest, just going still and deadly at Elwing
Hes no Luthien, no half Maia that can pluck at the threads of reality like one can a harp, but he is the best Singer of the Noldor, and depending on who you ask, of all of the First Born. One of the only Sons of Feanor with an affinity for water while the rest burn, but that doesn't mean he can't become a rolling boil.
Once the final breath of Ambarussa escapes their lungs, oh the Scream Maglor will have let go. Just as a drowning person will grasp at anything to keep them afloat, even to the point where they may drown their rescuer just to keep their head above the waves, Maglor’s scream PULLS
All the water surrounding this costal city would Lurch, would rush and flood and crash upon the city walls. The streets, already run red with blood, would become knee deep blood pools. These red rivers would part before him and his echoing dirge, his siren wailing, the bloody waves would lap at his feet with every step he would take up Elwing's tower.
He would corner her, eyes blazing with the same light that she clutches desperately to her chest, to her heart, and Maglor wouldn't care about the Jewel, he's already lost so much to it that if he held it himself he would just toss it into the waves anyways, let it sink to the black depths where it belongs.
No, Maglor would pin her on the balcony, block her exits so all she can see is the blood stained water seeping around his feet, inching towards her, and the furious roar and crash of the raging ocean behind. He would hum, a disarming little song, and the waves seem to surge upwards, reaching towards the tower balcony on beat. The spray of the waves would splatter across her back, would mist Maglor’s face, the salt of the ocean mixing with the salt of his tear stained face. He would look at her, dripping in water and blood, both of his brothers and his enemies, and he would sing one little line, a command more like.
"Get in the water"
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So I was promised to have help to get my stuff out of storage before the bill hit again. It's my birthday month and after paying everyone back and paying bills I'll have almost nothing.
I was ghosted on the help and just had to pay the $160 bill again.
If I could get some help with that I'd truly appreciate it. Single disabled queer parent, I make $760 a month.
CA: $niceworkbonedaddy
PP: yanidork
VM: nicework_bonedaddy
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when you read your own than/ares fic and remember how much you love ares unexpectedly being soft and insecure and he's afraid of hurting than, whereas than's just been staring at ares arms all day and can't stop thinking about getting fisted and how full he'd feel and asks ares and ares is so concerned that he's going to hurt thanatos but they prepare thanatos well and he takes ares fist and ares just watching in awe that someone trusts him this much to want and have his hands that have wrought so much inside of them. so yeah just those thoughts going around in my head while I'm sick.
[dni minors, dni blogs that have no 18+ age listed in their bio]
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there's a very specific kind of vibe that comes with living with your friends in final year that it just does not have in first year or even second year. like as a fresher it's usually the first time any of you have lived away from home let alone with SO MANY people your age and it's terrifying and exciting and randomised to boot so it's generally carnage for a whole year in the best and worst ways, and then second year you pick who you're living with and it feels like for the first time you're doing this adult thing PROPERLY. you have a place of your own now. these are the people you've chosen to live with. studying gets serious etc. but it's still fresh. it's still new. you still don't know how to navigate it. but final year? final year is when you actually get it right. you know how to manage your time better. you know what works for you and what doesn't. studying is the main focus and you've been out in the world for three years now and it's not loud and boisterous like it was in first year and you're not exciteable and awkward like you were in second year. you're comfortable. every single one of my flatmates has their own friend group and we mainly keep to our own social circles, but we'll still meet each other back at the house after a night out and sit in the kitchen or my room to do the debrief. sometimes i'll go days not seeing either of them despite sharing a house but every now and then someone will softly call up the stairs that 'the heating's on!' or one of us will sneeze and the other two will yell 'bless you!' through the walls. the lack of interaction isn't interpreted as dislike in ways it would have been even last year, because we're all just old enough to be past that now and settled enough in our friendship not to worry about it. idk. uni is very loud and unsettling a lot of the time so it's been really sweet to see how almost boringly comfortable final year is.
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