that post about your coworker being an absolute legend was so wholesome, i also hope to be as cool as her when I grow up 😭 but now I’m wondering, what portraits of Lestat do you have on your wall? I’m so curious!

this is my wall!!!

(the "Nevermore" art isn't really my vibe but sometimes my mom buys me little Goth Things she thinks I'll like so obviously I HAVE to put them up lmfao)

ANYWAY the bottom 3 gold portraits that take up most of my zoom background are by Bat in your Belfry art, then hanging up above the gold Louis portrait is a mini @thecoveninarticulate podcast pennant flag hand-painted by @superhiki! In the upper left corner I’ve got the daguerreotype Loustat art by @sheepskeleton which was commissioned by my friend @smas405 who then sent me a print as a gift, and last but by no means least in the top right corner: my prized Louis portrait by @kf-tea!!!!

Not to get too Emotional on main but i’ve been through hell this last year after my mom and I sold my childhood home and have been hopping around a few different houses before settling down in our current place, so having this wall with all of my friends and all of this gorgeous art just makes my heart so happy like it finally feels like a space of my own 🥰

How do you think P would react over finding out Reader likes to sing? Is a duet incoming in the walls of Hotel Krat?

P with a lover who's a singer! ☆

↳ Anon this is adorable! I'm tempted to write a fic about something along these lines at a different time, but for now have some hcs :]

➸ Pinocchio finds out you sing on one of his return trips to the hotel. His attention is first grabbed by the sound of the piano, its' notes greeting him upon his entrance, and being the artistically inclined man that P is, he naturally follows it. His attention is secondly grabbed by the faint sound of a voice, half hidden by the keys and only to be properly made out that's yours when he's standing in the doorway of the library. He makes eye contact with Antonia, who sends him a smile before turning back to you, who either hasn't noticed that he's there or simply doesn't care. He supposes it to be the former, too engrossed in what you're doing to pay attention to the outside world.

➸ He, very quickly, ends up the same. Dead glass eyes watch intently as your hands glide over the keys, something akin to life sparking in them as he listens to your voice dance with the music. Pinocchios' initial reaction is that you sound beautiful, look beautiful. Though it would be more accurate, I suppose, to say that he thinks you both look and sound incredibly human. P has never heard anyone sing outside of Vinyls, at least not for long, so being able to not only listen in person but watch as you engage in the act of something as human as music has his gears speeding up. Something in them has changed, he's sure of it.

➸ It should come as no surprise to say that Pinocchio is immensely curious about [and attracted to, in your case] things he perceives as human. This is partially due to the fact that he sees them as a goal, something to work towards and obtain, a barrier to be broken between himself and humanity as a whole. And of course this extends to music and is one of the reasons his vinyl collection is ever growing, why he always finds himself returning to the piano. It is a little hard to tell whether Ps' appreciation of art is something inherent to him or if it merely exists because he thinks it has to. In all honesty it's probably both.

➸ Now, to grow less introspective about it all, Pinocchio also just really loves listening to you sing because it's, well, you. He is undoubtably your number one fan, though he's subtle about it. Gemini is the hype man, much to the embarrassment of P and the amusement of Everyone Else. Honestly it's not even really embarrassment on Ps' part, more of an annoyed "wow I wish you would shut the fuck up!" because Gemini has the talent of being able to bring you into every conversation and you being a singer just adds more fuel to a fire that really does not need it [Pinocchio would one hundred percent do the same though if he was more, you know, talkative].

➸ One of Pinocchios' main love languages is quality time, and honestly you being a singer is perfect for that. Most of his time at the hotel is spent just sitting and listening and watching. Something about your voice makes him feel safe, as weird as that may sound. Maybe it's the affection in it when you sing for him alone, or just how intimate the atmosphere ends up being. He's not even sure if he's capable of feeling comfort, but he wouldn't change whatever's in his chest for the world.

➸ In regards to duets, I think Pinocchio would actually be rather open to the idea. Now, contrary to popular belief he can in fact speak, though he seldom ever does it without prompting. He doesn't really see the point in it if we're being honest, yes speaking is human but his voice is so flat and honestly he just doesn't have a lot to say about things. So it's fairly safe to say P has never sung before, hell he's not even sure if his voicebox can function like that, but nonetheless when you bring up the idea of a duet he's not only willing but somewhat eager about the whole thing. There's really no rhyme or reason for it either, Pinocchio just likes the idea of doing something human with someone who makes it easy to forget he's a puppet.

➸ Now Pinocchios' singing voice is actually rather nice! Though it is, of course, undeniably mechanical. There's something off about it, at times sounding like a crude mimicry of a human, a constant stiffness and roughness to it. It falls into a sort of uncanny valley, however there is also something undeniably endearing about it, something human about how much you can tell he wants to express anything in it. As for sound outside of puppetry, Ps' voice is fairly deep but retains a certain gentleness to it, a smoothness that contradicts the stiffness in a really lovely way. And yes, Pinocchio has a sense of rhythm.

➸ Pinocchio has a strong preference for keeping your duets private. The best way to do that, in his opinion, is when you're both out in the gardens dancing together. Under the stars while everyone else is inside, chest against chest and voices in sync, the gentle twirls and turns as you both slip into your own little world. If you couldn't tell how much he values your duets before, you certainly can now. Kiss him after the song is done, won't you?

The Live-Action Sukka Manifesto that I Just Couldn't Keep in My Head

So I've been marinating in my live-action Sukka thoughts for the past three days, and when someone sent me an anon asking if I had any thoughts about the changes, at first I went, "DO I EVER?!" and proceeded to dump my entire brain on the page.

But then I worried maybe the anon wouldn't want to see my entire brain and figured I'd make my own post with my Many, Many Thoughts, and reel it in a bit when I answer the ask. And then link here if they're interested in the dissertation.

I'll put all the excessive details and spoilery stuff under a cut, but I'll start by saying, I didn't hate it! And I was afraid that I would.

There were things that I was bummed or had mixed feelings about, but there was also a lot that I genuinely enjoyed. All the Sukka interactions were cute and still had some decent character development, and I had fun with the episode overall (I've watched it thrice mind you, and definitely have not given the rest of the series that kind of attention). And I didn't necessarily dislike the differences from the original; I think I've just taken more of a "that was an interesting interpretation" approach.

But I better start that cut now, because I'm about to go on and on about this. I'd love to know what others think, though!! Even if the opinions aren't the same as mine! Please feel free to comment, reblog, shoot me an ask. If nothing else, I'm excited that the LA has gotten people talking about ATLA again.

So, I want to start with Suki’s characterization, which overall I found to be delightful, even if it was a bit of a watered-down version of her animated self.

In the original show, Suki is confident, sassy, and doesn’t take shit from anybody. She’s proud to the point of almost being arrogant, and even a little mean. What we get in the LA is someone who’s still confident in terms of her status and her skills, and still proud of her heritage and her role in her community, but with significantly less sass. And while LA Suki still seems like someone who wouldn’t take anyone’s shit, we don’t actually see LA Suki deal with that much shit from anyone (because Sokka isn’t really giving her any). 

There is one moment in the show where her interaction with Sokka is a little contentious, which is when he tries to relate to her as a fellow guardian of his people. I think Suki’s question to Sokka about how is he protecting his village if he’s not there is meant to be a challenge to his swagger. However, the line is delivered with a softness that makes it seem as though Suki is, at least in part, genuinely curious. (This curiosity makes even more sense when we consider the fact that Suki’s eventually going to leave Kyoshi Island so she and her Warriors can take part in the war effort, and that she will have to contend with the question of “how do you do that without abandoning your people?” when coming to that decision. The LA lays a lot more of this groundwork than the animated show did: Suki outwardly expressing her desire to see the world, her mother’s secretive looks every time Suki gazes longingly at Sokka the possibilities…)

Compare these two moments, for example. These are both scenes where Suki expresses disbelief at Sokka's claims about his warrior-hood. But in the LA, Suki speaks rather quietly and mildly, in contrast to the brash sarcasm of her animated counterpart. LA Suki is also tilting her head down and away, looking at Sokka indirectly. OG Suki is leaning in close, getting in his face, smirking derisively with her hands on her hips.  

I think there’s something to be said about the LA in general smoothing away certain personality traits that could be seen as negatives but that are actually strengths that are so narratively well-developed they occasionally show up as flaws (for instance, Katara’s fury, or lack thereof). Animated Suki is prideful and stubborn; she berates Sokka until he gives her sad puppy-dog eyes and has zero hesitation about making an example of him in front of her whole class. It’s a little ruthless, but these traits are also 1) what gets through Sokka’s thick skull (he, too, is prideful and stubborn), and 2) what makes her such a dedicated ambassador of Kyoshi and such a strong leader of the island’s Warriors at such a young age. I feel like the LA writers were afraid of making any of the protagonists seem too abrasive—everyone in the LA has had their edges sanded down, including Zuko, including Aang—and in general this tends to lead to less realistic representations of humanity and conflict, less satisfying character development arcs, and fewer opportunities for reflection and learning. 

That being said! I went into watching the LA with negative expectations about what we would see in terms of character development, and thus was pleasantly surprised. 

The LA removed the need for Suki to be as ruthlessly stubborn as she is in the animated show because LA Sokka’s skull is not so thick (and I'll get into that a bit more later). So what we get instead is a sheltered Suki with a helicopter mom who is so hilariously awkward that she has no idea how to interact with other humans. And, to be honest, I enjoyed this version of her so much that I even thought to myself, “I wish I’d thought of that!”

Suki is a straight-up weirdo in the LA and I love that for her. The way she puts Sokka in a chokehold and then looks at him after she sets him free like, “That was good flirting, yes? Would you like to be my boyfriend now?” And then her disappointment when Sokka walks away as if she’s thinking, “Why didn’t that go well, I thought boys loved getting put in chokeholds?” She is so precious, I just want to put her in my pocket. And this characterization might even be more broadly relatable than a super-confident Suki brimming with sass. Who among us hasn’t made a complete fool of ourselves in front of a crush by coming on way too strong and having no idea how to flirt? I mean…real. 

And because Sokka is also mostly just making a fool of himself trying to impress a pretty and talented peer (instead of covering up his insecurities by wrapping himself in misogyny) this leaves room for the two of them to be attracted to each other right off the bat and for their interactions to be more overtly romantic throughout the entire episode. Which, avid shipper that I am, I have to admit I have been gobbling up for the past three days straight. This episode was an IV drip of romantic tropes hooked straight to every Sukka shipper’s veins. 

Shy glances from across the room? Check.

Walking in on the other person half-naked? Check. (Y’all, Suki looks Sokka up and down for a FULL TWENTY SECONDS yes I timed it from the moment she appears in the background, yes you should count it to see how long that really is. Talk about awkward.) 

Tripping so they end up falling into each other’s arms? Check.

Wide-eyed shock that turns into surprise thirst after being pinned to the ground? Check.

Shooting each other satisfied smirks as they kick ass side-by-side? Check.

Jumping in front of literal fire for each other? Check and check!

Like, I could live off this for the rest of the year. 

But look, there’s a lot that I love about the way Sokka and Suki’s relationship is portrayed in this episode besides those romantically indulgent tension-creating moments, and it has to do with Suki’s admiration and validation of Sokka. 

Suki really looked at this boy with his mouth stuffed half-full of steamed bun and went, “Must have.”

With the removal of overt sexism from this episode (for better or worse), the story focused much more heavily on Sokka’s development as a leader. He still has that sort of posturing display of self-confidence that comes from inexperience and trying too hard to prove oneself (“Ferociously…deadly tiger whales…”), and while at first Suki seems put off by this and his attempts to liken himself to her (“I’m not just a warrior, I’m a Kyoshi warrior”) it doesn’t take her long to decide (*cough*after seeing him shirtless*cough*) that she doesn’t actually mind this behavior (and in fact maybe she kind of likes it because maybe it means he likes her and maybe it means she can show him how much she likes him by slicing the tops off all those melons with her fan). She seems genuinely interested in his boomerang and impressed that he hunts, and then later, she immediately takes interest in training him in the Kyoshi Warrior style. 

After they spar, she casually refers back to the fact that he’s his village’s protector, and this time, she does it without the disbelief and defensiveness. Because he’s finally stopped posturing. He opened himself up and gave himself over to Suki’s expertise, and in that way he proved that he has the will and desire—the heart—of a warrior. And Suki tells him so while touching him gently and gazing at him longingly in the soft golden glow of the late-afternoon sun. And as a die-hard Sokka stan, I love seeing him loved and appreciated like this. Adamantly. Ardently. The Sokka cheerleader in my head is going wild. “YEESSSS!! Our boy deserves this!!” Because we know that, in the animated show, he goes through a lot more struggle and self-doubt before he receives this kind of external validation. And while we also know that this makes for an incredibly satisfying growth arc, I gotta admit that it’s a fun bit of indulgence to watch Suki talk Sokka up directly to his face and then want to kiss him really bad. Y’know. As a treat.

That said, I'm very attached to and appreciative of the way their relationship is framed in the animated series. I love that their respect and affection for each other grows even after the disaster that is their first few interactions. In the LA, they are drawn to each other immediately, and the only barrier seems to be a bit of awkward stepping-in-it-ness. In the original, they have legitimate conflict, and they both have to give a little—Sokka becomes more humble, Suki becomes more tender—before they get to that point of potential romantic interest. And I think it says a lot about Sokka’s character and his desire to learn and grow that he is willing to humble himself in front of someone who, as far as he’s seen, has very little regard for him (slash has a good deal of animosity towards him). Giving himself over to Suki’s expertise costs him more in the animated show. But once he does, he and Suki learn and grow together. He shows Suki who he really is, shows her how dedicated and determined (and fun and a quick learner) he is, to the point that, by the end of the episode, she can allow herself to be vulnerable with him. And she does validate him in the original Kyoshi Warriors episode, just less directly than the LA. Her kiss on his cheek and “...but I’m a girl, too” is about forgiveness and acceptance and acknowledgement and respect, as much as or even more than it is about affection. There’s a little bit of romance, too, but it’s just little baby seeds of it, and it feels very natural to let those seeds germinate over time until we see Suki again later in the series. 

Which brings me to the live-action kiss. 

I’ll be honest, I was a little on the fence about the kiss. I want Sokka and Suki to kiss as much as possible in every conceivable universe. So there’s a part of me that was banging on the table and whistling with obscene joy. But the other part of me thought it was too much too soon. However, my hesitance pre-supposes some things about the second season (not least of which that there will be one), namely that it will handle the reunion with Suki and crossing the Serpent’s Pass anything like how it was done in the original. (Of course, one thing we now know for certain can't happen in a hypothetical LA season 2 is Suki pranking Sokka at the ferry station because he doesn't recognize her without her makeup. Do I love the expression on LA Sokka's face the first time he sees Suki's? Yes. Am I sad that this completely ruins their whole "You don't remember me? Maybe you'll remember this!" game? Also yes. But truthfully, I don't know if LA Suki would've been up to the prank, anyway. Not sassy enough. ;))

The Serpent’s Pass is one of my favorite episodes of all time, and that moment on the bluffs when Sokka and Suki are talking around Sokka’s loss, with the moon shining down on them all the while, and they almost kiss with the moon hanging between them in the background, and then Sokka pulls away without any other explanation besides, “I can’t”? That scene is so absurdly powerful and beautiful and an amazing moment of character development for them both, and I feel like it loses a lot of impact if they’ve already made out once. The fact that they kiss for the first time after that moonlit moment, when Sokka realizes that Suki doesn’t need protecting the way he thought she did, and in fact she was there to protect him, and he can finally just let go of this burden that he’s been carrying with him since Suki first mentioned she was joining them (slash since his dad put him in charge of an entire village at 13), and then and only then can he open his heart to what he feels for Suki, and in fact opens it so wide that he just cannot help but jam his mouth onto hers before she’s even finished talking…? I mean. C’mon. That’s poetry. But, again…loses impact if they’ve already had a first kiss.

But who knows what, if anything, they’ll actually do with that storyline. So for now, I’ll just enjoy my live-action Sukka kiss because, honestly, dream come true.    

Or almost a dream come true. Because there's a huge camelephant in the room that I haven't addressed yet, isn't there? The lack of Sokka in the Kyoshi Warrior uniform...

And I don’t think we can talk about the omission of Sokka’s Kyoshi Warrior uniform without talking about the omission of Sokka’s sexism. Because if Sokka isn’t sexist, then why do you have to put him in the dress and makeup of traditionally female warriors to make a point about how women are strong and capable, too? So here’s what I’ll say about that (and I know there’s a lot that people have said already, so I’ll try not to belabor the point.) I don’t think leaving out Sokka’s sexism was necessarily a detriment to his character arc. I do think, however, that leaving out Sokka’s sexism was a detriment to the message the show was trying to convey about sexism. 

Now, in the Northern Water Tribe episodes, the LA still gives us a message about fighting against the kind of systemic, institutionalized sexism that you might not be surprised to encounter within a very old-fashioned society or from a very old-fashioned gray-haired man. But what about the off-the-cuff, everyday kind of sexism that you might experience from an otherwise good person who is close to you? A person who loves you and would do anything for you but who gets carried away teasing you about “girly” things because of intrinsically-held biases that they’re not even that conscious of having? 

I think it’s important and meaningful for male and female audiences alike, and everyone in between, to see these different forms of sexism and misogyny—to see them, to recognize those behaviors in others and in ourselves, to be able to name them, and to have examples of fighting against them. We see the former kind—institutionalized, systemic—in Pakku. And we did see the latter kind—familiar, personal—in Sokka. And now that’s lost.

Not only that, but there’s the form of sexism that says boys aren’t allowed to do feminine things lest they relinquish their maleness. And in the animated show, we got to see Sokka combating this form of sexism, too. Not only does Suki show him that girls can be fierce warriors as well as boys, but he learns that wearing makeup and a dress does not make him any less of a young man.  

So, yes, I think the lack of Sokka in Kyoshi Warrior garb was a missed opportunity. And not just because Sokka looked really good in uniform and we all should have had the chance to see that, including and especially Suki. 

Alright, this is more than long enough, so I'll leave off with a moment from the LA that gave me great pleasure.

I needed this moment, y'all. And I was so afraid it wouldn't happen. I needed Sokka being protective, I needed him using his newfound Kyoshi Warrior skills to fight, and I needed him jumping in front of fire for the girl who'd taught him. If we couldn't have Sokka in the Kyoshi Warrior uniform, at least we had this.

hi Im the same ex transmasc anon who sent you that aask about rhe tumblr ban thing, I did a lot of reading without forcing myself away this time. (I used to look at radblr sometimes bc I got curious, but when it started making too much sense i would make myself stop reading and tell myself I was being manipulated and try to forget about it..looking back that probably wasnt normal haha,)

I have mixed feelings tho. I don’t regret looking closer, the amount of sexism in the trans community was horrible. I think even radfems don’t understand how bad it was because it was all subtle styff. But seeing it constantly irl and online was terrible for me as a female. It gave me so much internalized misogyny, it made me hate myself and I felt worthless and stupid! and whiny! and annoying! all the time!! unless I was able to be perceived as a man. I felt like I had to be a man to have any respect in the community. I remember being so amazed to see abortion be covered by trans people I followed in even a reblog because it was the first time I saw people in the community talk about female issues at all. Even then it was covered with disclaimers and terfs DNI banners. male,opinions were always prioritized.

I thought this was dysphoria and a sign I was really a man. then I started reading radfem things and its like that feeling instantly lifted. I felt respected, listened to, even though I wasn’t speaking. It was also like all this stuff I’d internalized from being female, all the trauma around sex based oppression, was actually being addressed. in trans circles you get called a terf for acknowledging females face any kind of oppression (they acknowledge sex when it’s to talk about how hard male loneliness is on young trans women, and how the incel to trans woman pipeline happens, though…)

but the reason I have mixed feelings is bc I now feel….dumb? And afraid. And angry. I spend well over a decade being part of this community, half my friends are in the community, I’ve been trans since I was 9. My typings not the best… dyslexia sucks lol. But I like to think I’m smart. Now I don’t know,

And it makes me think totally different of these people I saw as progressive cis male allies, who were so loud about trans rights and hating JKR and terfs. Now they just feel like the same flavor of anti-feminist man I hate.

And the community is so huge and it’s so widely accepted and I don’t know how to deal!

But I am happy to be a woman now. In a healthy way I haven’t been for a long time. thats all that matters.

I'm sorry for everything you were put through. Many girls and women have been sucked into this thinking it will provide a solution for their distress at the social ramifications of the body they're born in, only for more people, namely men, to take advantage of their distress and gain power over them. As you mentioned, even "cis" men get in on the action when they justify intimidating and threatening women with violence in response to perceived transphobia. It's a terrible situation to be in. Made worse when you can't openly talk about with people you're close to for fear of alienating them.

I think you should give yourself more credit. You ARE smart. You questioned what you were told was never allowed to be questioned and realized you were being misled. And what you said about trying to make yourself forget the realizations you've had, that is normal. It's a difficult and scary thing to hold opinions that conflict with those of the majority of your peers. I think it's like the climax of cognitive dissonance -- when what you know is true clashes so hard against what you want to believe, you find it impossible to justify anymore, so you just resort to pretending you never learned the information in the first place. Been there.

I'm just being a stereotype now, but there's a classic Dworkin quote for this:

"Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships."

Anyway my point is, don't beat yourself up. I'm really happy to read that you're accepting your womanhood, it's a hard journey but it's worth it to have a good relationship with yourself. And in my experience (at the sage and wisened age of 25) that it gets easier as you get older. You work through mistakes, and that prepares you to handle the next mistake better. You're right, your health and happiness is all that matters, keep striving for that and it will steer you right.

I wanted to give you some reading recommendations, you mentioned you have dyslexia but I believe these two are available in audiobook form if that's up your alley:

Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference by Cordelia Fine

Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Perez

There are tons more great books on feminism but these two are my go-tos for hard facts on gender, socialization, and the systematic discrimination against women worldwide through biases that are built into society.

Well uh; TLDR thanks for gracing my inbox, anon :) Hope you keep well.

Not the same anon, but uh... Could you give us 5 reasons on why YOU like Reginald? I got curious

He's very sentimental to me! He was one of the first characters I created for this world (second only to Mary) and I have owned him for a very long time! I made him at 15 years old (fun fact he was actually made in February of 2015) and I am 25 now and by next year I will have owned him for 10 years!! He has been with me through a lot and helped me out of some rough patches in my life so he means a lot to me. ---

I was very self-indulgent when making him!! I based him off all my favorite tropes and features of male characters that are still my favorites today! I'm often a fan of the boy characters with long hair or glasses or who are bit more studious/academic and he gets to be all that and more! And I think being indulgent with your art is the best way to be! ---

I love drawing him! It's probably because he's one of my favorites already but I always have fun when drawing him! I like playing around and doing fun things with his hair or playing with his facial proportions or putting him in various styles when I branch out a bit from his usual tie+collar! It makes me happy to draw him! ---

I like writing him! Sometimes it's a bit of a challenge but that makes it fun! I love exploring the ways in which he interacts with other characters as well as his speech patterns, and how he often likes to speak more "proper" and "polite" than others around him and I find it endearing, and fun to try and work into his conversations. ---

I like that he's a pufferfish! (Or maybe even porcupinefish if we're specific? I do draw him based more off those even though 'puffer' is like a broad term technically...I'm getting into semantics.) The idea that he has poison running through him always gives me a lot of fun concepts to explore and work with whether it be metaphorically or literally. Sometimes I think I should have created my own original species for everything but animals are pre-built with meaning and metaphors to them and are also easier to collect merch of and be reminded of! So I don't want to beat myself up over it when now I am happily reminded of him whenever I see a fish like him! ♡

Dear Sgian Dubh,

Thank you answering the anon about my well-being or perhaps just a curious anon who doesn't care. At the same time, thank you for not speculating about my departure, as you diplomatically didn't. It wasn't really newsworthy, after all.

I appreciate the anon's concern, if it was indeed honest, as well as your kind words. Feel free to bin this message, leave it unanswered or publish it without saying a word. I'll leave that decision in your capable hands. As it were, I have no choice in it anyway.

Now, let me address something that surprised me a bit. I must confess that the part about you disagreeing with me on "many things" shocked me, lightly. Despite our completely different upbringing in two different worlds and thousands of miles apart backgrounds, the way I perceived our 'relationship' was more optimistic than yours.

I completely understand that, given that you've doxxed yourself and it is not a part of your nature to use verbal explosives in rebuttals, you would want to distance yourself from my care-free expressions. (Trust me, I have written worse.)

Anyway, I thought we agreed on far more than we didn't. Clearly, I was wrong. Not the first time, I see, lately.

The only thing that puzzles me, though, is that you "personally feel tricked at this game". Why? Because I didn't message you beforehand or didn't announce my departure publically?

As I mentioned repeatedly, I wanted to leave weeks before you appeared. And then I didn't. But only because you have managed to upscale the conversations, the content, and the language of this never ending dialogue. I communicated it openly and repeatedly. I didn't lie either.

Because of my perception of our relationship, I expected a private message instead of a public diplomatic note. Not that I minded - we are all adults here - but I thought you were a closer friend than you felt it. I wasn't aware there were any straws on your camel's back on my account. Ok, maybe one - not being obesity friendly and saying so publically.

Again, no pressure for friendship whatsoever. I'd hate that as much as you would. If it's not there it's not there. I just thought I did better on my chemistry test, so to speak. But then, I always sucked at chemistry at school.

At the same time, I'm not blaming you or anyone else, for that matter, that I felt propelled to slam the door, quietly, without reiterating my desire to refocus on my work and my life vs. commenting on every facet of somebody else's. Although, I'm content I challenged you just a tad.

What triggered it? The pompous jerk did. And then there was that gentle push from you under my stew of a post. But I am genuinely grateful for it. Finally! You did what I should have done weeks ago.

So why did I leave so abruptly? Two words: too much. Too much time spent here on my side and too much toxicity considering I stayed here to relax and have fun. I don't like arguing with online icons. But my camel's back had received multiple last straws long before today. And I stayed despite my intuition.

The atmosphere on my timeline wasn't ideal. Sometimes I felt as if I were visiting a high quality for elderly care institution (by mentioning of which I just managed to offend all grandmas here, in case you do publish it. Great!). Just too much regurgitating of the years old pictures and writing the same comments. I can do it a little but not a lot.

Conversely, I noticed that my comments under other people's posts started disappearing. That's too much high school for me. I'm too old for that. If somebody wants to write some shit I don't like under my posts, I won't clean it up. But we are all different.

Too much confrontation at times instead of a civil discourse. Never with you but you already know that. I admit my part where applicable. Then again, I'm not afraid to state my opinion, risking a shower of opposing opinions, as we've all had the pleasure to witness every now and then.

I appreciate that you consider my leaving a loss for the community. Well, the community has to understand that I have three books to write. And finish. And publish. And market. Community will be fine without me in a day or two. Perhaps, it already is.

Ironically, I enjoy the show(s) more without discussing every square inch of it, the cast, the stupid PR and their cousins. Ouch! I'm awful, I know. But at least you know where you stand with me.

I've simultaneously written to my other two confidants here so they won't feel betrayed, even if we don't owe each other anything. There were honest with me so I will reciprocate. Not because I feel that I have to. I want to. And I'll miss most of you and jay911 (if I remember it correctly), even though he is often quiet. Maybe I'm just too loud to hear him.

Farewell, for now!

Happy Thanksgiving! and Merry Christmas!

Succulently-speaking, finally deactivated with no current plans to use any other account. Just so you know, if case some dumb anon pretends it's me. It won't be.

I have received this very, very long letter from @succulently-speaking-deactivate in the middle of the European night and sat on it, pondering what to do with it.

Since she did not offer any explanation for her abrupt departure from the fandom, I am releasing it in the spirit of fairness that always guided me. You have her own words - not mine.

I have only one thing to add. The words she used to express her frustration and anger (and angst?), in that (in)famous post that is now gone forever, are unacceptable in my book. No matter the person to whom they are directed. It is very sad when things come to this point, but this is her choice and we will have to accept it.

When I became a diplomat, I took a public oath to serve my country (big or small, rich or poor, right or wrong) with dignity and honesty. To those, my heart added grace and empathy. I do not see why things would be different in here, as far as I am concerned.

I love your Sultan AU so much, how it shows Jamil and Kalim 5 years into the future! How do you see the other NRC guys in the future after they graduate? I'm just curious

Thank you, Anon! <3 I am very happy you like it! I really hope we’ll have more content for this AU in the future, but then again, that’s me with every AU…

We haven’t thought about other students in this universe specifically, we might come up with stuff as we go, so nothing of what I’m about to say is concrete yet. I also won’t write about every single character, just about the ones that come to mind more easily…

First of all, when it comes to Octavinelle and Ignihyde guys, there might be a crossover situation lol, maybe the AzuIde marriage AU or the Mafia AU exist in the same universe at this one. Age-wise, the second option fits more, I guess, but I’m still thinking that it’s the first one. In any case, they are definitely up to no good with Azul working hard on his rapidly growing business, with the Tweels helping him out and Idia being forced to help out too in his own way. Ortho is always by Idia’s side, no matter the AU. But he also might pursue his passion for movie-making in some ways, as least as a hobby.

(Azul also definitely does business with the Asim family, so the Octa-trio and Kalim+Jamil are still in touch, even though they don’t talk on a regular basis)

Speaking of movies, Vil’s future is pretty easy to determine. He works harder than ever, and has his own set of problems: his perfectionism has never left him; he is a workaholic that finds it difficult to slow down and relax. The industry is also as toxic as ever, so with every big win he also gets a ton of new things to fight. But he’s doing his best, as always, even though this job quite literally drives him insane, despite how much he loves it, both acting and make-up production and other project he does.

Rook and Vil are still together, but Rook also pursuits his own thing, whatever it is. It’s hard to say what the hell Rook’s doing: he is still quite an enigma of a person; even Vil doesn’t know for sure (probably something shady, so Vil doesn’t really want to know). Rook also keeps hinting that Vil shouldy ditch all of his big projects and try directing an indie movie.

Riddle is also overworked and overstressed: despite the fact that he really wanted to become a lawyer when he was still at NRC, he did end up becoming a magical doctor like his parents wanted him to. He decided that it was the right thing to do, not only because of his parents, but also because this is such an important occupation only the most brilliant mages can handle. So right now he spends the majority of his time either studying medical literature or practicing at a very prestigious magical clinic, and he knows that he should be feeling proud of himself and satisfied because of doing something he was meant to do, but he can’t shake off this feeling of disappointment and emptiness. Thus, at some point he began to also study law whenever he has free time for that, and that makes him much happier. But the drawback of it is that he has literally no time to talk to any of his friends anymore, it’s like he defaulted to his pre-NRC situation. Trey (who is a pastry chef btw, we know he would be one) is very concerned but can’t do much about it, although he is one of the few people from the NRC Riddle still talks to occasionally.

Ironically, another person Riddle talks to from time to time is Floyd, because he accidentally found out where Riddle works and now visits him from time to time just to mess with him.

Deuce is also kind of disappointed in how things are going at his workplace (the Magical Police department): he realised that it’s much more corrupt than he expected it to be. He hangs out with Ace every day, and Ace always talks about how naive Deuce is and that no one is going to take him seriously if he keeps being so stupidly earnest and hardworking instead of just making “right” friends and bribing his way into the elite squad. It pisses Deuce off, because he knows that Ace is right, and also hearing that from someone who doesn’t really have a job is annoying.

Ace doesn’t have a job because he had a fight with his boss and left. So now he spends his days sleeping, providing hot takes for every situation, earning some money by doing magic tricks aaaand probably gambling.

Hmm, I also think all the first-year boys still talk to each other quite regularly even if they don’t live in the same area. Epel surely visits Deuce and Ace at least every couple of weeks, Jack probably does too. Sebek is less likely to do that though, he is way too busy.

It’s kind of difficult to say anything about Diasomnia, so I’ll leave them out for now. Leona is doing his Leona thing, probably still complaining about not being appreciated. I don’t know what Cater does, but I hope he is happy? He might be an influencer of sorts, but he’s usually a loner that becomes visibly animated when he reunites with his college friends. He is also definitely away from his family.

So yeah everyone has issues lol The only one who is 1000% thriving is Ruggie. Things are going well for Ruggie. Good for Ruggie! He deserved it.

Ehh, I think that’s all for now. It took so long to write this reply for some reason, but I hope reading it was somewhat fun.

Thank you for your question again <3

i love ryan but i’m newer to fandom (joined during the s5 mid season hiatus) and i’ve always vaguely heard about The Incident but have never been able to figure out what actually happened?? other than it was something that got him labelled racist and if you like him you’re therefore racist too. you don’t have to explain what happened if you’re not comfortable w it but i’m very curious and i support him but idk how to defend that choice without knowing what actually happened, you know?

Hi anon! I'm glad you asked. Not a lot of people know the context surrounding The Incident and I'm tired of people's ignorance. Enough is enough. This is long, but stay with me.

In May 2020, one of Ryan's followers at the time went through his partner, Chrysti Ane's, twitter account and found an instance from 2011 in which she used the n-word. Considering this was only days after George Floyd was murdered (or might have even been the same day; I can't find the tweets that incited the incident) and tensions were already extremely heightened, this discovery blew up in a massive way.

Days later (May 31, 2020), Chrysti Ane wrote this statement and posted it on Twitter:

[img. i.d.: As these recent events unfold, so do heightened state of emotions. My family and I have been accused of being racists for the past few days and I think it's past time for me to address quite a few things. This all started when one of my partner's followers dug up a few of my tweets from 2011 (9 years ago) that used the n-word. I will not justify using that word, but I will explain myself. At the time I was dating someone of African-American decent [sic] and started diving deeper into the culture; I made tons of black friends, listened to music that used slurs, watched black comedians that freely used the word, and I felt accepted by the black community. At the time, none of my friends found it offensive, but I must say I also didn't fully comprehend the WEIGHT of the word. I didn't comprehend the history, the struggles, the oppression. I was a 16 year old girl in high school trying to find my place and figure out who I was. I am not a woman with my own family, a child, and a partner. I am NOT the same girl I was almost 10 years ago, I encourage you to look back at where you were 9 years ago and think to yourself "am I the same person?" That being said, this is my formal apology for those tweets and who they have offended. We must hold people accountable for things that [sic] have said or done and I am glad this has been called out and I can show that 16 year old girl isn't the woman I am today. I can tell you honestly I have grown immensely. My respect for the black community is massive. What they have endured, what they have overcome, and what they CONTINUE to go through on a daily basis has opened my eyes and my heart. I will continue to use my platform, as I have been, to do good. I have donated, tweeted links, and spoken my peace on the matter. I have stood up for the black community and will continue to do so. Now I'd like to address a different matter - blocking certain accounts. After those tweets resurfaced, I experienced hate tweets, hate accounts, memes with my image and my partners, name calling, and worst of all foul names about my son. After responding to a tweet saying something among [sic] the lines of "I have many black friends and I couldn't fathom seeing such a thing [as George Floyd]" one of the accounts that had previously been a part of the "hate tweets" had told me I made her "uncomfortable" because it seemed as though if I didn't have black friends I wouldn't care. I responded addressing her previous online bullying and proceeded to get hate. To that I must say, I have repeatedly attempted to turn focus to what's important-EQUALITY/HUMANITY. It seems as though everything that is said nowadays is dissected and the overall message gets lost. If you don't speak or use your platform, you're "racist" or "choosing the side of the oppressor" or "part of the problem" but if you DO say something without articulating yourself CRYSTAL clear with no room for interpretation you're "racist" or "making people uncomfortable" or "part of the problem." I simply want to use my voice for good. I want to help. I want to do my best to let the black community be heard and RESPECTED. Let's all be part of the solution and create proper change in this country so everyone can experience what America is supposed to be an stand for.

The same day (May 31, 2020), Ryan hopped on Instagram Live and addressed both Chrysti Ane's use of the n-word and his own silence over several days. [Full transcription here] I strongly encourage everyone to read the entire transcript, but for those who don't want to, most of his Instagram live was about his support for the black community. During his livestream, Ryan:

Highlighted the black community as being instrumental to his growth and development as a human being

[img. i.d.: "I love my black brothers and sisters. In fact, a lot of them have shaped me into the person I am today. I'm very thankful for their input, their insight and their culture 'cause [they are] as proud of their culture as I am of mine. And the great thing about America is we get to combine those cultures. Black lives definitely matter and they should resonate -- they are the reason that America is so great.]

Called out the racists who followed him specifically:

[img. i.d.: "If you are a racist and you're following me or you think that this whole Black Lives Matter is out of proportion or anything, get the hell of [sic - off] my Instagram, get the hell of [sic - off] my Twitter. I don't need you. That's not the America I want to live in. I'm a biracial man. I gotta accept more than one race anyways. So anybody that follows me needs to be part of the solution rather than the problem. And of top of that, this is a human rights issue."]

Highlighted the realities of systemic racism and the black experience

[img. i.d.: Our black brothers and sisters, who are human beings, are being mistreated by systemic racism. That racism has allowed white people to just hurt our own kind, our own humans. That sh*t, I can't stand for. And now how I see all this changing is not overnight. It's by each individual making that choice to stand up to the next individual who is next to him who is being racist or being ignorant or being naive. I can't even imagine what it would be like to talk to my son and tell him people are gonna look at him worse because of his skin colour. That sh*t hits deep. It hits hard, and not because some of my friends are black -- that has nothing to do with me, this ain't about me at all. It's, again, about humanity. It's how we treat our fellow people.]

Did research before speaking, sought counsel from the Black POC in his life, and reverted back to history to back up what he was saying to his followers

[img. i.d.: I was looking through things over the internet, trying to do my research before I spoke, and black people getting killed by white people for racist views is nothing new. I mean, you can go to the biggest names -- Martin Luther King [Jr.] in 1968, Reverend George Lee, one of the first black people to vote, killed by white people. And the "I can't breathe" movement? That was nothing new. You saw all the NBA players wearing "I can't breathe" shirts, anybody in sports, anybody in entertainment was wearing "I can't breathe" shirts. That was Eric Garner in 2014. Philando Castile, 2016. I am not painting every police officer bad because there are good police officers out there, so what I'm trying to say is this is directly to those racists out there, who have embedded themselves into the American society. You could be a person working at the movie theaters, you could be working anywhere to be honest. I don't care if you got a badge or not -- if you're racist, you're a racist. And your time is coming to an end. There's more biracial people coming into the world, there's more black people getting influence in the world, we got our first black president and hopefully not our last black president. This sh*t hits deep. I keep saying it. I employ everyone else do their research. Start looking at why everybody is so angry. You know, COVID-19 is an epidemic but this whole racial thing is systemic. It's been happening for 400 years to people with skin darker than ours, for no other reason than just that. So we need to call out people who got more power in this, those white people who have more power in this. I only know of one big attorney because I worked with them on a TV show, but Mark Geragos who has helped out P. Diddy, Chris Brown, and all these other people. Let him start speaking up. Come on, you got enough money now. Start standing up for the right reasons now. So also doing my research and talking to the cast of 9-1-1 and trying to figure out what [we] can do, how we can help out. Some of those don't feel what it feels like to be a black person and will never be able to, so how do we help? And Aisha, who plays Hen on the show, she was all about just support, reaching out, help whenever you can, wherever you can. You can go to Black Lives Matter, you can go to defund the Police, but in my personal opinion, defunding the police won't help because there are good police officers out there. You can also go to colorofchange.org, that's a good one. I see that a lot of people are trying to help out on that one, and there's a fund for George Floyd himself and his family. So there's ways to help out. Let's just find the right ways.

It was during this same livestream [on page 3/4 of the transcript], that Ryan says this about his partner's controversy:

[img. i.d. And now we're talking about different things now, now we're talking about her using the n-word. Let's address it, okay? You're telling her that she can't speak through Twitter to her black friends that have allowed her to say that back and forth to them, specifically? Mind you, that is a private conversation had on a social platform. I can see the misconstrued insight on that. That being said, I have plenty of friends - Black, white, Asian, Indian, Korean - and we make fun of each other's races all the time. We call each other slurs all the time. We don't get butt-hurt at all, nah, because we know the actual person, we know who each other are, we know we're not trying to bring each other down. So what are y'all trying to get it? You're trying to prove that somebody who is not racist is racist? Nah, you don't have that power. There is no racist energy coming from this household at all. In fact, we're helping. Again, being part of the solution rather than the problem. I know, for sure, that all of our friends would speak up to say the same thing. They know who we are. We know we're not about bringing down other humans, at all, not even caring about any kind of colour or nothing. So y'all need to stop with that. And if you're breeding hate and throwing it our way, you're wasting your energy and you're wasting your time.

This comment was the impetus for the "Ryan is racist" narrative. The following day, Ryan once again returned to Instagram live for a shorter livestream in which he clarified previous comments. [Full transcript here]. I can't add anymore images but to quote him directly:

What up everybody. So after having some time to really think about it and really calm myself down, I felt I have to clarify certain things. Let me first start off by saying I do not condone the use of the n-word by any non-Black person, that includes all Latinos. That's not our word, alright? So that people that are coming after me, keep that same energy for Cardi B, Tekashi 6ix9ine, Fat Joe, all of them Latinos who've been using it for years upon years and getting passes from and by 50 Cent and whoever else and what-not and saying it in their music. Keep that same energy. That being said, let me clarify and address the real situation at hand: When I said slurs, I came from an angry place. I couldn't think straight and I misspoke. All that was going through my mind is seeing these comments about my girl and about my one-year-old son. Seeing death threats to my girl, seeing this foul-ass language about my one-year-old son. And I misspoke. I meant to say stereotypes, and do I condone stereotypes? Nah. Now amongst friends, can friends make fun of each other? Yes. That being said, I'm not here to bring anybody down, no race down. As far as my girl goes, using the n-word nine plus years ago, she was I don't even know how old. 16? I think she's grown as a woman. I think she has apologized for it. I remember her doing a tweet last night apologizing for it. And I don't condone her using it. We don't use that word in this household; it's not our word. I'm not here to take away from what the black community has gone through, or take something from them. I'm here to help them in any way, through support, through anything. So that being said, I apologize to those that I have offended, and misrepresented myself by using the wrong term. I stand by my "try, fail, learn, grow" state of mind and I will continue to grow, I will continue to help out the community. So hope everybody has a great day, enjoys their life, and let's help our black brothers and sisters going through this horrible, difficult time. Alright. Now have a good one.

After his livestream finished, big entertainment new companies such as Variety, EW, and TVLine began pushing the "Ryan is racist" narrative, fueled by Aisha, Rockmond, and Oliver's comments on Twitter made the following day.

Aisha:

[img. i.d.: A tweet from Twitter user RisingTom that says: Maybe we should ask his black castmates how they feel about this. @/AishaHinds @/ImAngelaBassett @/traciethoms @/RockmondDunbar Ryan stays completely silent during this movement then comes on to excuse his wife's use of racial slurs & admits he & his friends use slurs all the time. @/AishaHinds: How I FEEL daily is a perpetual state of GRIEF. There's sadly no version of this indefensible discourse that doesn't exascerbate that grief. There's legions of learned behaviors that need to be named and neutured [sic] so we don't continue to give life to them. May we know & DO BETTER.]

Rockmond:

[img. i.d.: Two tweets from @/RockmondDunbar: As a black man this should go without saying but just to make sure people in the back understand when I say this with my whole chest: I don't condone the shit. I don't like the shit. And I've never been one to allow the word to be used around me by any non-black person...cont 2ND Tweet: And any alleged 'black people' that are co-signing their non-black friends to refer to them in that way need their entire asses checked. Too much history, too much pain. Past and present. Shit is utterly unacceptable.]

Oliver:

[img. i.d. Two tweets from @/oliverstarkk: I know a lot of you want to hear my thoughts on what a cast member said today on IG live. I can tell you that my opinion is there is absolutely no excuse for the use of the n word. It belongs to the Black community only and I absolutely don't agree with it being used by... 2ND Tweet: ...anyone else under any circumstances.]

Ryan apologized again after that in one of his final posts on Twitter, and then alluded to the controversy (and his response to it) once more on Instagram on his 34th birthday.

Those are the facts. Now for my opinions.

The response to Ryan and the years of backlash that have followed (mostly from white people) are completely disproportionate to the situation at hand. The controversy wasn't even his to begin with, but at the point where he involved himself in it for the sake of his partner, everyone (Ryan's castmates, the greater public, the fanbase, and Ryan himself) quickly lost sight of who was initially at fault. I don't think Chrysti Ane should be raked over the coals for comments she made 10+ years later, but the fact of the matter is that Ryan showed more contrition and genuine apology and desire to do better in his multiple apologies than she did in hers. Chrysti Ane victimized herself in her apology; Ryan didn't. That makes a difference.

I have always maintained, and continue to maintain, that BIPOC are allowed to feel about him however they want to feel because BIPOC communities were, in essence, targeted. But I encourage everyone to know the facts before making or maintaining any sort of decision or judgement.

And to all white people who read this and still decide not to like him, please know that I do not trust you. I probably do not like you. Not only have you inserted yourself in a discussion you absolutely do not belong in for years, but any continued vilification of a man of color after learning all the appropriate context is transparent and deplorable. For years, I have watched people hide their blatant racism behind empty activism, but there's no excuse for that now.

Here is all the context.

BIPOC, do with this what you will. White people, please keep your mouths shut on the matter.

pls don't take this as a hate anon or something, i am just curious. what the reason that has made you very interested in helaena? she is basically a non-character in the show , a walking talking spoiler if u may and in the book grrm never focused on her and just made her gone mad with grief.

Not taken as hate, anon! I myself have said several times the points you made in my more critical asks and posts about hotd. But well, let's put it like this; Helaena maybe doesn't get much from the show (or the books, frankly) but what she does have is potential. When I first watched the show, I liked her in in a normal, Helly is sweet and cute and deserved better kind of way. Most people agree about that much I believe. But over time when I kept thinking about her, the hyperfixation set because I realized her character and relationship's themes can be so much more elaborated on! Helaena, especially with the themes of feminism in a feudalistic society, especially with her place as the overlooked sister in her childhood, who gains the liking of the smallfolk later on (whether it be because she conforms to society's rules or things GRRM never told us - and both can be true at the same time), especially with how interwoven her relationships with her brother and children to the crown and how it can be explored in so many different ways - it's just so interesting to think about. There's so much tragedy in it! Let me ask you questions, anon, that may bring forward things that could have been done with Helaena - what if being regarded as the less comely sister did get to her? Why did she go out and claimed Dreamfyre when she was younger; for such a meek sounding girl, claiming the largest dragon in the dragonpit wouldn't be a lot? What if she actually thought of fighting the war with Dreamfyre? What if she was so shattered by her children's loss because she thought the taking the crown would save them, similar to what has been told to Aegon? What if her taking the crown was about emancipation from the shackles of fear and feeling helpless for her, only to fall back into it later on, realizing the crown did nothing? The show's addition of her being a dreamer, can be a point of its own of extra themes added to her (Cassandra of Troy theme) even though I didn't enjoy how they did it in the show (spoiler machine thing). So basically, what I'm saying, is that in the right hands, a character like Helaena could be so much more elevated. I genuinely think there is so much to explore in her. She could've been an interesting foil to Rhaenyra as the green queen and a mother if they wanted her to be. All they have to do is to make her a character of her own, let her speak her own thoughts, even if they can't see it in themselves to give her true agency. She is a character that could add so much to the feminism, gender roles, and Targaryen cycles of generational trauma discussions in the show, and they just really skipped on it for no reason at all.

Ik you said this ages ago and in the tags of a post, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on Rüdeger and his mental health

anon i'm down on one knee proposing rn thank you for sending this in

stray thoughts and ramblings (sorry if this is messy, it's getting to 6 am and i have Not slept):

i'm really curious as to how his identity interacts with his faith. from my understanding, monasteries were intended to be safe havens away from the secular world (my notes from a course on early mediaeval monasticism call them "a place where a life similar to that of the angels takes place, a harbour of calm that resists the storms of the world of outside") - and so he's in this space that's meant to be separated from "sin" but at the same time, he's living in it through his identity* and relationship (at least according to the institution he's a part of). i'd love to know how he views himself, the church, the concept of sin in the first place - like obviously he's terrified of anyone finding out about them, but from memory it's expressed more so as worry over mathieu? which in turn makes me wonder if that's because he's at peace with his own fate due to self-deprecating reasons and so doesn't bother worrying about himself (i'm sinful and will go to hell regardless but mathieu deserves better) or if he thinks there's nothing sinful about their relationship in the first place (and so persecuting mathieu, the man he loves, over it, is unfathomable and unfair) [*i'm aware that the concept of queerness as an identity is more contemporary, but i couldn't think of a better word]

also curious as to how he ended up at kiersau. we don't know his backstory - how'd he end up becoming a monk? did something happen to drive him towards it? is there a precedent for him running away from things (if andreas blackmails him and mathieu, he leaves, i think to protect mathieu)? inquiring minds would like to know

hc time: i think that the town turning on them in act II feels that much more terrifying because while they're not persecuting him because of his queerness, it's entirely likely that they/others would, if their relationship was revealed. so the whole thing is like a manifestation of his worst fears. no wonder he's upstairs having a panic attack

SPEAKING OF. anxiety girlie who gets panic attacks and self-soothes by singing. and i'm sure mathieu's presence calms him (doubly so because mathieu's probably the only person in his life who gets it. who understands him. who sees him without that act of perceiving being judgemental)

another question: what does rüdeger himself think of his mental health issues? we have the language to describe it now, with modern terms, but - and not to paint with a broad stroke - a 16th century monk probably wouldn't necessarily internalise something like a panic attack as being a health issue, but rather a spiritual affliction. which brings me back to wondering how he thinks of himself, and of god, and if it's possible he views his issues as a divine punishment (like how some fundies describe depression as like. being something given to them by the devil? that they can pray away?)

in my self-indulgent hc, he feels better after leaving kiersau. mathieu getting a big promotion probably brings new anxieties but at the same time, makes them just a bit more untouchable. also, if andreas was not an asshole about discovering them in the library, i feel that'd give him an opportunity to see that people can be good and understanding about him/them (though i also have a feeling that rüdeger is the type of person to believe the best about people, at least when's he's not actively spiralling. mathieu does describe him as "a gentle soul" and "a kind and thoughtful man")

that's all i have for now. i love him and mathieu so much, they deserve everything <3

how do you get so good at analysis? ;_; i'm really dumb and take things at surface value, which i've been fine with up until now but seeing you read umineko so deeply makes me kinda like.... jealous isn't the right word? that sounds too spiteful. it just makes me feel like i'm missing out on a more fun way to experience things. but it seems so daunting i don't even know how to start. to me it seems like picking out every detail and exaggerating it as far as possible but it's obviously more refined than that because you're able to keep things together thematically and make some good theories. do you have any advice for it?

Hi, anon!

Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re being jealous/spiteful with this ask. I also used to want to write analysis on things because they seem fun, and actually this is my first proper try at it! I think I’ve said it before but if I’m not careful I’ll binge everything on first watch/read and miss details. (This is why I rewatch Utena every other month). So yes, I know sometimes I’m grasping at straws but that’s because I’m actively squeezing everything I can out of a page/scene.

I think what sets this liveblog apart and the reason I can pick up threads/themes is that Umineko seems very upfront about what it wants to say.

「MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, EVERYONE WANTED A LOT OF MONEY RIGHT NOW…!」

Utena is the same in that - even though people say it’s too symbolic - I think the fact that it bares its inner mechanisms for all to see is a huge kindness. If everything means something else, or represents both itself and a larger concept, then a show where everything is allegorical is actually discarding layers of obfuscation.

I think a good place to start to Notice Themes is at the very beginning.

The Golden Witch invites you to take things easy and accept them as they come, but The Revolutionary Witch tells you that - in any story - the first introductions matter the most.

Up until now, Umineko has drilled inside our heads again and again, repetition after repetition, that the Ushiromiya’s Western schtick is a product of Kinzo’s reverse weeb affectations. He started many of the “traditions” that seem so inescapable, he invented the name for the fucking chair he sits at the breakfast table and the order of the seats according to his own patriarchal standards.

His Western obsession is tied very obviously with his “black magic” obsession and he even gets angry when you don’t call them “grimoires” because part of the charm of magic is that it’s foreign and cool. He speaks of black magic when ranting about his urges to sexually abuse a dead Beatrice, all his children speak of Western things when recalling their own childhood and abuse.

The only exception to this is Kinzo’s Japanese sword - both a true object and a phallic symbol that doesn’t deny itself its origins - that he uses to spank Jessica’s naked butt.

I feel like, in Umineko, you just need to sit and listen to the characters and wonder at their motivations. But you also need to wonder about the choice of presentation.

For example, Kanon alone in the garden after he left the conversation, being dismissed by Gohda. All he says is “…even me” or something among those lines, very mysterious! But the way this is presented, the camera not caring about the Cousins + Adults but following an actor after he’s being kicked out of the stage? Unusual! Curious! Very interesting! The way the narrative describes it, (paraphrasing here) “you needed to get closer if you wanted to hear the words whispered to his heart”? Why would it be written like that? Who is the narrator speaking to?

So I think - to make an analysis close in methodology to what I’m doing - you need to question what’s onscreen, not in a “this isn’t real” way (it may not be real but that’s not the focus!), but in a “why is this being shown the way it is” way. This is a novel after all. Choices of words, choices of POV, what is described and what’s left unsaid!

Those are the tips from the Revolutionary Witch!

— Rose, the Revolutionary Witch

So glad to see you're enjoying engage! I love the game myself! I'm curious to see if there's any differences in Alear's character depending on their gender? Like, in English I get very different vibes from them due to the voice direction of their VAs despite them both having the same exact dialogue (I am biased to male Alear). Their model expressions also read differently, but I was wondering if there was actual text differences in the original script for Alear's different forms.

Fair warning: a basic understanding of Japanese pronouns and speaking styles will help this post make the most sense. But the general point should get across to anyone.

So a bit of context first, for those who may not be familiar with the Japanese text of the FE games since Awakening: For Robin in Awakening and Corrin in Fates, each gender has a couple of different I-pronoun options to choose from, to allow players to further customize their My Unit. Each I-pronoun variation genders Robin and Corrin's speaking style in slightly different ways. It's all very Japanese, so the options couldn't translate over in localization.

There are also conversations that are completely different in subject matter between male and female Robin/Corrin, mostly because romance was being limited to opposite-gender pairs. That's a totally different level, so generally those different conversations were translated over in localization, with the occasional exception - the only example I can immediately think of is Corrin / Rhajat being commonized to the m!Corrin version.

For Byleth, there's not much to say about how they talk. No surprise there as we all know they are mostly mute.

So considering everything I know about Robin and Corrin, I was VERY surprised to learn the answer to anon's question!

There are zero dialogue options to choose from for Alear, and not only that - both m!Alear and f!Alear speak exactly the same. The writers achieved this by choosing the most gender neutral style possible for Alear.

Alear ends all their verbs with desu/masu conjugations. Different sentence endings can have different gendered connotations in Japanese, with desu/masu being essentially the default, and formal option. Japanese people use desu/masu in pretty much all situations when they are not with family and friends. (Though laidback people will speak as little desu/masu as possible. Higher-ups can also be casual with those in a position below them. Etc. etc.)

Alear's I-pronoun is "watashi.' Like with desu/masu, you can consider this I-pronoun to be the "default" in Japanese.

And their you-pronoun for everyone else is 'anata,' again the "default."

This is not to say this is the only way the JP writers could have achieved f!Alear and m!Alear having the exact same dialogue, but it is the most straightforward route. Other pronouns like 'boku,' 'atashi,' 'ore,' etc. would have implied different connotations when one Alear used them over the other. And there are further options, but the deeper you go into the list of JP I-pronouns, the more specific in usage they get - like 'atai' or 'ora' implies characters are "country bumpkins" like Jean, Donnel, or Mozu. (This is because those pronouns are from different regional dialects in Japan.)

Of course, there are not zero differences in the text of m!Alear vs. f!Alear's conversations. But the differences are just limited to he/she, Veyle calling them Big Brother vs. Big Sister, and anything in that vein. That's it.

P.S. - For a fun fact on the voice direction between m!Alear and f!Alear's voices in JP: f!Alear speaks a little bit faster than m!Alear! This video of f!Alear's Ring Supports is 1 h 37 mins long, but this video of m!Alear's Ring Supports is 1 h 40 mins long.

Hi for like the third time this week! (this is still the same anon who cannot stop sending you asks about Reeves!Verse Penguin). Your writing has me down so bad for this old man hnnngggg (I promise I will stop cluttering your inbox now!)

But do you have any headcanons for our beloved Oswald? Like, not necessarily romantic ones, but like, how he views himself, random facts about him that you just absolutely hold to be true? As always, absolutely no pressure to answer, I was just curious!

(also, I didn't know there was going to be a spin-off with him??? is this true??)

Thank you for putting up with my endless Daddy Oz asks and for your absolutely wonderful writing!! 💜💜

you're not cluttering anon you're just lovely and sweet and giving me an excuse to think about him every day (even though i do that anyway)

BUT YEAH OK YOU OPENED THE FLOODGATES i have a whole like 2k words of headcanon notes that i keep meaning to find time to organise and write out properly, but i'd love to share my favourites with no particular sort of organisation i am so sorry lmao 💜

he makes his s/o and/or family go for sunday walks together but he calls them the "sunday waddles" because he's a dork

makes pasta like his grandmother used to make to a secret recipe and lets you taste it by licking his finger

insists on recreating the lady and the tramp scene with spaghetti anytime it's on the table in front of you

one of his favourite hobbies is bowling, he has his own specially made ball and matching gloves and shoes and shirt, and he holds your hips while you throw and is very keen to help you play

he'll use so many petnames for people, s/o and friends and goons, that he will forget people's actual names

he's the sweetest around kids, calls himself uncle oz and is always handing them $50 bills

he speaks italian when he's railing you

100% is in charge of the grill at BBQs and has an apron that looks like a tuxedo

he celebrates redundant anniversaries with too many gifts and far too much enthusiasm like the first time he saw you, the first time you spoke to him, the first time you spent the night, the first time you kissed, the first time you took a ride in his car etc.

i've named his kids i'm sorry he has two sons called lorenzo and walden and he calls them lolly and wally (for daddy oz i will be soft enough for kids)

he flirts with EVERYONE. wait staff, bartenders, the guy at the bank, his goons, your mother

you show him an old woman, he's got them swooning and calling him a precious young man while they pinch his cheeks, he is such a charmer

he has dogs. so many dogs. pomeranians and chihuahuas. and they're all named after pasta dishes. he cookes them steak every night and he'll be out on his lawn in the morning with like 10 leashes taking them all for a walk and they all sleep in the bed with him every night

he doesn't think he's particularly handsome but he knows he holds himself well and looks smart all the time

he thought he'd be dead before he hit 40 (shot, cigars, drinking)

he hasn't thrown a punch in action in over a decade because he doesn't need to anymore but he has a punching bag in his garage to keep himself prepared

"I love them so much, I don't know how to show it" For Ophelia and whichever RO you wanna use! And yes, I'm indeed spreading some ship propaganda!

Prompt list

Not the propaganda.

Don't say it like that, anon 💀

This'll have no dialogue because these two are quiet af and I want their actions to speak for them.

~•~•~

Oh, the way you grin makes my heart stop dead And your kind warm words drain all judgement from my head Oh, my sanity's placed secondary 'Cause somehow your spot is now primary I don't know how to tell you this Conscience, don't tell me what to do But I think my heart's made a little space for you

– I Don't Know How To Tell You This - Faith Ling

~•~•~

It's quiet in the gazebo, with only the faint noise of students roaming about in the lunch hour coming from a distance. Well, putting the two most quiet people together in the same space, what do you expect to happen? A rave?

Fleur flips a page of the book she's reading (a random autobiography she found in the library and deepfully regrets borrowing), fist mashed to her cheek to support her head, reading glasses a bit unbalanced because of it, as her eyes dart from word to word. She would ocassionally glance up at the person across her, whose focus is on her sketchbook and sketching away, only to look back at her book again.

Ophelia doesn't seem to be aware of the glances stolen from her, brows furrowed deep in focus as graphite drag across the sketchbook with a satisfying scratching noise. Her other hand would reach for her kneadable eraser to lightly erase something, then drop it just as quickly back on her pencil case.

It's a rare sight to see these two be in the same area, though lately that rarity has turn to something more common. It has become the norm to see these two be near each other, from walking to and from class, to being in the library, to simply walking down the halls, and even right now, where they're spending their lunch together.

It's feels... oddly domestic, despite the lack of words exchanged between them.

It's as if they themselves already knew about this change in their dynamic.

No coordination, no warning before hand.

It has to be some coincidence that they started to do this, right?

Ophelia glances up at Fleur, then back at her finished sketch she now holds in both her hands, silently debating to show it to her. The sketch isn't anything mediocre like her water bottle or tree. No, no, instead it's a sketch (well, an accumilation of multiple sketches) of her muse; the girl that sits infront of her. Her thumb taps the side of her sketchbook, biting down on her lip in thought. There is a chance Fleur might not like it, but better to have an honest reaction than a plastic one, right? And Fleur is always one to be honest.

Taking in a deep breath, Ophelia carefully puts her sketchbook on the table and slides it over to Fleur.

Fleur glances up, raising a curious brow as she raises her head to see Ophelia sliding her sketchbook over, and on the sketchbook, is... her. Most of the sketches are candid views of her, where her gaze is often far away and looking at something else or she's focused on doing something. Though one has caught her eye.

It's another candid one, where she holds a little wild flower inbetween her thumb and index finger. A soft smile is on her sketch's face, as its gaze is focused on the flower. There is a small writing beside it too.

'I like this.' The writing says in scratchy hand writing made of graphite.

Looking back up at Ophelia, whose face is red and staring intensely at the table, Fleur reaches for a pencil.

Hearing the sound of pencil scratching on paper then her sketchbook being slid back to her, Ophelia looks up to see her pencil ontop of her sketchbook and a small message. It's beside her favorite sketch, and just below her little comment about it.

'I like this too.' It said in small, neat cursive. Ophelia immediately looks at Fleur, who has her gaze back on her book, but cheeks redden faintly, a soft smile poorly hidden by her hand.

Immediately, Ophelia looks back down, a happy and deeply flustered grin forming on her face as her cheeks burn brighter even more.

Hello, Gabe.

I've been reading your Geraskier fics on AO3 and enjoying them a lot. Especially Dandelion Kisses.

Now, I'm on the third installment of Improper use of Witcher signs, and in one of the notes, you state that you're asexual and I'm curious. It's definitely not meant to be judgmental or mean. I'm just genuinely interested.

An asexual who writes smut. I've seen other asexuals do the same thing, and I'm just puzzled. Is it a wish to expand your horizons in writing, stretching your abilities? Or is being asexual not being completely disinterested in sex, just not with others?

Does smut "Do anything" for you when you read or write it.

Again, I'm just curious, since I would probably label myself as overly sexual.... I write and read because it turns me on. I guess I'm just trying to understand a bit more about asexuality. I realize you cannot speak for everyone.

I hope this question isn't too much. If so, I apologize and you can just ignore it....

Hello there Anon! Aah 💕 I'm so glad you're enjoying my fanfictions!

Ooh, some good questions! I hope I can answer them and that my answers make sense lmao. Also I can never keep things short, sorry in advance.

These questions are not too much for me and I'm actually very open 💕 to anyone reading this TW talking about sexuality/asexuality under the cut. Also this might not apply to someone else, purely talking about my experiences.

I have been writing smut ever since I first found out what fanfiction is. Which was when I was about 15 or 16 years old, the perfect age to figure out what it all means, the whole romantic or sexual world.

After a lot of 'fucking around and finding out' it was only years later that I realized I am on the asexual spectrum. In my environment (and honestly, I feel like this is the case in a lot of environments) talking about sexual feelings wasn't really normal. Still I wanted to talk about it, so I was actually being viewed as someone who was obsessed with sex. But I wasn't. I never had sex, and if I did (because of the want to 'be perceived as normal') it didn't really do anything for me.

When I say years later, I mean I am currently 28 and with my first partner who I can discuss these things with in a healthy way. And I am actually more intimate with him than I have ever been with anyone else. Intimicy and sex are also two different things for me. Like the touch of skin, just cuddling and being close to each other or leaving kisses on bare shoulders, without actually doing the do. *chefs kiss *

The funny thing is, writing smut doesn't do very much for me, so I can turn something off in my mind and just... write whatever the fuck I want? xd

Reading smut does do something for me. Always has. And the more I learn about myself, the more I think it's because I am not involved. My body, my being, my brain is not involved, I'm merely fantasizing about fictional characters doing the dirty and that's so different for me. The moment I include myself, I want to roll myself up in a blanket for at least 3 hours, but I do get excited if I can focus on a fictional character's feelings. Or my partner for instance.

I am the biggest sucker for romance though. I'm the sappiest motherfucker you'll ever meet. And I also start kicking my feet when I think about my fictional characters having a romantic moment and I absolutely love writing/reading/watching those.

My relationship with writing smut still manages to surprise even me, and that's why I sometimes add the 'anyways I'm asexual' tag because I can casually write a nasty threesome between three men while having a conversation with my boyfriend about what's for dinner. And I think that's so funny.

I usually just say I'm on the asexual spectrum, because sometimes I think I'm demisexual, sometimes I think I'm aegosexual (it's worth it looking this one up, it made me feel very seen)

Hopefully I answered your questions 💕💕 I hope you have a good day!

Asking on anon because I don't feel like getting fucking lambasted by both radical sides of this. But I think they're are some folks that talk about transandrophobia (not you, baeddel-txt, etc) that are starting to pick up on toxic masculinity in the same way TIRFs picked up on TME/TMA shite and the like. (I have it on my blog but only because I'm tired of getting a toss up treatment from shallow transfems and getting reduced to either a cis man or them insinuating I'm not who I say I am, and the like. Frankly as of today I'm muting all of the related tags on both sides because frankly... I need a break).

I agree with y'all just like, be aware of it just like transfems should be aware of our own problems.

I also dislike the whole TIRFs "reclaiming" baeddel as a.) It's literally a ye old slur for intersex people (re: tfems having a problem with fetishizing intersex people, speaking from personal experience here)

b.) it reads like a far inferior version of reclaiming the tslur, which tbh, I would just prefer if they did that.

Also I guess if you ask this and you care so much about who's sending this, I'll reveal myself, just don't make it public because I don't need to be getting harassed by TIRFs for being a weird reject because I just choose to be both a girl and a boy identity wise and clearly the everything not binary fem phobia (even if I meet the criteria of not "CAFAB" to them.) they have is still clearly alive and well considering I took a soft ban 3 months ago for it. (After getting a full ban rolled back bc of staff reviewing it.)

The "baeddel"/TIRF ideology reminds me a lot of my own internalized transmisogyny turning me into a shithead radfem both pre and post coming out, but also everything else going with it.

That's not to say that there isn't some areas where it can be disproportionate. I also don't understand the obsession with violence statistics when a.) It shouldn't be happening period and b.) I don't think either side is accurately reported, really, unless it's entirely relying on self reporting. Also c.) I don't know how much of violence on trans SWers is reported in that, i could see it being even or even mildly trans fem biased, not statistically significant though.

I'll be honest here in that I am not 100% sure I'm understanding you correctly, but it sounds to me like you're making a couple of different points that I'd love to be able to engage with- I think I just need some clarification first so I can make sure I'm not completely misinterpreting what you're trying to get across.

So like, if it's cool, I would love a follow-up ask to clarify a couple of things!

What are folks doing with "toxic masculinity" that you feel is similar to what TIRFs have done with TME/TMA? My understanding would be that TME/TMA were turned into a kind of definitive label that people use to determine who's allowed to speak on certain issues, who's "oppressed enough" to matter, etc., but I don't really see a way that parallels "toxic masculininity" among folks who talk about transandrophobia. Unless you mean that people are distancing themselves from the possibility of being masculine in a toxic way on the basis of their identity? (If that's the case, I think I'm misunderstanding the connection to TME/TMA)

Could you expand on: "The "baeddel"/TIRF ideology reminds me a lot of my own internalized transmisogyny turning me into a shithead radfem"? I think the sentence after that muddied what you meant, for me, and I'm curious what insights you have there!

Also RE: statistics, I really agree that there need to be more studies and research into these issues in order to get any real sense of clarity. IMO the best uses for statistics of violence and discrimination against trans people, specifically stats that tell us who is facing what kind of discrimination, is to better understand the systems causing us harm in order to work towards dismantling them.

Trying to determine "who has it worst" overall is pointless and self-defeating. The goal should be to understand why transmascs tend to face more lifetime sexual violence, while transfems tend to face more childhood sexual violence. Not to decide which issue to give a shit about and which issue to ignore, or which trans people "deserve" to be prioritized over all the others.

I will also say that the study I draw from more than others is the U.S. Transgender Survey, which relies on self-reporting. I recommend checking them out if stats interest you; they're pretty expansive and had a massive sample size. The 2015 results have been published for a while, and 2022 results are coming soon.