#AND THEN he chooses capital ... just like England ... over pirates ... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bring-it-all-down · 3 years

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I’d like to talk about something that I think is central to Black Sails but often gets glossed over in discussions of Silver: his relationship with the systemic violence of empire.

One thing the show does particularly well is demonstrating the ways in which the violence of empire manifests itself both within England and in England’s colonies. We see this with just about all of the main characters, and this encounter with violence informs their subsequent relationships with imperial England. While Silver’s disability would surely result in his marginalization, his encounter with marginalization differs to that of every other character.

James encounters this violence in England in the form of Alfred imprisoning Thomas and the combination of Alfred and Admiral Hennessy banishing him from the country, in light of which he chooses to become a pirate. Jack falls victim to capitalism when his family’s tailoring business is forced to close, plunging his father into alcoholism and death, and holding Jack, a child, responsible for his father’s debts. Jack then becomes a pirate as a means of escaping indentured servitude. Billy, too, becomes a pirate as a means of escaping indentured servitude (and the violence he commits as a result––killing his enslaver––that would have seen him punished had he returned to England). Likewise, Vane turns to piracy after escaping from his enslavers (though it’s unclear how Vane became enslaved to begin with). Finally, we learn that Anne becomes a pirate after Jack murdered her abusive husband to whom she was married at the age of 13. For all of these people, piracy offered freedom from violence and oppression meted out by England.

We rather deliberately never learn about SIlver’s backstory, and for purposes of this post, I’m going to avoid theorizing about it and stick to what the show tells us about him. We first meet him when he’s aboard a merchant ship that Flint’s crew attacks. Out of self-preservation to avoid being killed by the crew, he fashions a lie, killing the cook and assuming his place, in order to join the Walrus. Thus, the first act of violence he encounters and commits is a result of pirates, not England. He becomes disabled as a result of Vane’s crew, not England. His only encounter with somebody mocking his disability is when Dufresne calls him “half a man” and an “invalid” (3.07). Finally, he tells Madi that he must look strong, not for England, but because he cannot allow his fellow pirates to see him as weak. All of Silver’s encounters with violence and marginalization occur with his fellow pirates, not with any stand-in for English colonialism/empire.

At this point, I’d like to compare Silver to Miranda, as they were the two people depicted to know James the best (as Thomas never knew Captain Flint) and were the two to try and convince him to give up his fight against England. When we first meet Miranda, she is desperate to return to civilization, telling James, “there is no life here” in Nassau, but they could have “a life in Boston...There is joy there and music and peace” (1.07). Her conception of civilization differs from James’ because she was never its direct target. Though she was a woman and was aware of the danger James and Thomas were in, her class privilege insulated her from experiencing England’s violence.

This all changes for her when she and James finally make it to Charlestown and she learns of Peter Ashe’s betrayal. This realization finally spurs her to understand the systemic nature of England’s colonial violence and the reality that she and James could never re-assimilate. Her final conversation with Peter here is crucial to understanding her newfound conception of colonialism:

Miranda: All these years it never sat right with me how Alfred was able to turn the navy against James. He was far too admired by his superiors for his career to be dashed solely on hearsay. Alfred would have known that. He wouldn't have gone to them armed only with unfounded suspicions. He would have needed a witness, someone who knew Thomas and James well enough to give the accusation credibility. Alfred came to you, didn't he? Asked you to betray Thomas in exchange for which he'd see you made a king in the New World.

Peter: Perhaps this is an opportunity for us all to find a little forgiveness.

Miranda: Forgiveness? What forgiveness are you entitled to while you stand back in the shadows pushing James out in front of the world to be laid bear for the sake of the truth? Tell me, sir, when does the truth about your sins come to light?

Peter: You know nothing of my sins. Were you there when Alfred Hamilton threatened my family's standing, my daughter's future if I failed to cooperate? Were you there when I visited Thomas at the hospital to confess my sins and heard him offer his full and true forgiveness? He knew I had no choice in the matter.

Miranda: No choice?

Peter: A hard choice. Made under great duress, but with the intent to achieve the least awful outcome. You wish to return to civilization. That is what civilization is. I am so very sorry for what you have suffered and for any part I may have played in it. Please believe that. But at this point, the most important thing is what comes next, what we make of this.

Miranda: You destroyed our lives!

Peter: Miranda.

Miranda: You caused our exile!

Peter: I am sorry for what I did.

Miranda: Thomas died in a cold, dark place...

Peter: I am trying to help you. What more do you want from me?

Miranda: What do I want? I want to see this whole goddamn city, this city that you purchased with our misery, burn. I want to see you hanged on the very gallows you've used to hang men for crimes far slighter than this. I want to see that noose around your neck and I want to pull the fucking lever with my own two hands! (2.09)

Through this conversation, Miranda receives confirmation of Peter’s betrayal, and more importantly, that this betrayal is central to the existence of civilization. It’s how people like Alfred Hamilton retain power in England and how people like Peter Ashe obtain power over England’s colonies. In other words, the entire colonial project is one of betrayal, of exchanging lives for power, of the oppressor doing anything and everything to retain that power. When Miranda finally realizes how deeply personal and all-encompassing colonial violence is and reacts with righteous anger, she is murdered. Even voicing the desire to execute some aspect of justice is enough for the empire to silence her forever.

Silver, on the other hand, has no such encounter. All he knows of England’s systemic cruelty is what James and Madi describe to him second-hand. Thus, the war for liberation from empire is never his war, only Flint’s war and Madi’s war that Flint draws her into. In his final conversation with James, he tells him, “this isn’t about England,” calling the war “a fucking nightmare”, “your nightmare” (4.10). The “darkness” which he continuously ascribes to James is one born of a desire to do violence for the sake of violence. Because he has no personal experience with systemic violence, he doesn’t conceive of the war as a means to an end, but rather an end in itself; for Silver, the violence––specifically the violence of Flint, of pirates, of himself––is the point.

The show’s thesis that the fight for liberation is a deeply personal fight is one that Silver dodges. Unlike James, Vane, Jack, Billy, Anne, Max, and Madi, violence enters Silver’s life as a result of piracy, specifically as a result of meeting Flint, and thus he believes that separating himself from Flint will end that violence. At the end of it all, every other character understands that the “freedom” they won is temporary and can be potentially revoked at any time, but Silver understands it to be more permanent. He tells Madi that in ending the war, he returned James “to the world as it existed before he first closed his eyes”, ensuring her that he is “not the villain you fear I am. I’m not him” and that he will wait “forever” for her to come to this realization (4.10). His experiences with violence prevent him from understanding something that every other main character understands: that Flint was a reaction to violence and not the sole cause of it.

#black sails #john silver #james flint #I will never not be mad at Silver for thinking Madi would forgive him for robbing her of her agency #Anyway #Read some theory. Understand revolution as both a personal and a systemic movement.

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emmi-kat · 3 years

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SPG Kazooland Master Post

Kazooland is the alternate dimension in the Steam Powered Giraffe Universe. This post contains various facts and tidbits mentioned by David and Bunny Bennett about it on tumblr and the official SPG websites over the years. Please feel free to share more information in the reblogs!

Kazooland was named for the mentor of David Bennett, Bunny Bennett, Jon Sprague, Erin Burke, and Bryan Barbarin, Mr.Jerry Hager's mime persona: Kazoo the Mime

By 1897, Peter Walter had unlocked the power of Blue Matter and subsequently, created an alternate reality he dubbed Kazooland.

Excerpt from The Story of the Cavalcadium

The Cavalcadium tried to make a permanent portal to Kazooland in their building, based on Peter Walter I’s studies.

The Cavalcadium was wiped from existence in an instant, and it took Peter a few months to realize it had simply vanished. Time and space itself left a void to forget it ever was.

The Cavalcadium building now exists in the seams of Kazooland, and acts as a hub to many other parts of the dimension. A few doorways even exist on Earth.

Current link to the map of Kazooland: https://www.thecavalcadium.com/Kazooland.html

Information available about Kazooland as late as 2014

Asininia* The dark kingdom of Ignatius Becile. Long having taken refuge from Earth, the black-handed Becile has built a giant city which is depleting Asininia of its natural resources and precious rock candy veins. His aim is creating an unstoppable army of candy-powered automatons to consume the universe.

*name is derived from “asinine”

The 8th Dimension of Absolute and Infinite Terror The only persistent door to the terrible 8th dimension. Its history is unclear but it is indeed locked and guarded by Jumbo, The Pink Whale With A Top Hat.* The 8th dimension is notorious for being the place of fermenting nightmares and evil Lovecraftian Beasts.

*Jumbo can be found in the album The Vice Quadrant, guarding Commander Cosmo and The Necrostar

Horroria

A jagged mountain range of ash and death, which is primarily a refuge for monsters. A couple of human settlements exist, but the majority of inhabitants of the continent are Vampires, Werewolves, Demons, Zombies, Witches, Cultists, Poltergeists, Man-Eating Hamburgers, and Hamburger-Eating Men.

Hypexion V

A presumed alien homeworld of the Hypexions; thin bipedal humanoids with a sweet tooth.

Ironically Foreboding Shaped Islands

The Chaos Sea marks these bodies of land as a legend, but time travelers and fortunate explorers speak of adventurous sailors, pirates, and buried treasure. It is believed the famous Captain Albert Alexander was the first to have sailed the Chaos Sea, yet only stories remain.

Lola

The Hypexion Moon infested with the diabolical Moon Worms. The Moon Worm Queen is held responsible for eating a chunk of Hypexion V before she was destroyed, but a newly born Moon Worm Queen is the talk among the stars. The talking stars of course.

Lotsasand

An ancient dust land belonging to the ancestors of the Kingdom of Set. Though primarily a land for the outsourcing of dust and camels, the age old tales of Jackal Men, Living Mummies, and Scarab People still invoke questions of mysticism in even the most skeptical of skeptics.

Meh

An icy northern land of Snow Queens and Mystical Creatures. Many a wise pipe smoking old bearded man tell stories about this enchanted place, but few are listened to.

Merveille

Merveille is the remains of the once great Circus Empire, which exploded eons ago and left a watercolored land of saturated imagination. The inhabitants are mostly the Speechless Ones, also known as Mimes. It is often described as a tangible dream, and artists from all over the multiverse have tapped into its presence for inspiration and escape.

Cities: Bip

The capital of Merveille was named after its founder, and is a favorite spot for vacation for Peter Walter VI. It was also in Bip that the Great War of 1823 was ended by a mysterious mime with a magical kazoo.

New Pieland

Once a paradise of wilderness, pilgrims from Old Pieland settled here declaring it New Pieland after their former continent was completely devoured since it actually lived up to its namesake. It was quite literally a giant land mass of flaky crust with a warm gooey appley interior.

New Pieland is home to many American immigrants and many other multiverse settlers. Humans, Robots, Clowns, Cat People, and Vleeds are just a few of the races you'll find in the melting pot which is New Pieland.

Cities: Biscuit Town

Biscuit Town is a famous small mining town in the eastern part of New Pieland. It is home primarily to clowns, wizards, and talking animals. Biscuit Town has been run by Walter Robot The Jon until recently, and was the first town in New Pieland to elect a robot for Mayor. Currently, in the Jon's absence the Mayor's Assistant Boft is struggling with the encroaching rogue nation of Asininia, a resource-hungry super kingdom of mad scientists and candy-powered androids. Preferbia This large sprawling landscape of suburbia is a metropolis of 1950's ideals, where the beautiful residents are protected from the ravages of time by a blue matter rich force field over the city. Created by a visionary man from Earth after slipping through an interdimensional rift, Howard Lloyd saw the potential of the unstable rift and created what some have called the 1950s utopia of mankind. Those who enter the city rarely decide to leave the prospect of eternal youth, but some do choose to escape Preferbia's roving gangs of fish mutants and frequent attacks by the Hypexion Moon Worms.

Snornia

Snornia is the last remaining haven for mystical beings. It is cut off from the rest of the world by a vengeful Dragon God, but those who have seen it speak of a fantastical world of magic and danger, with princesses in towers, dexterous elves making shoes, and six winged warlocks. Humans who find ways to enter usually do so to train to become wizards or dragons, but many are eaten by the Dragon God, and even more give up and sail to Party Island.

South Adventurica

A largely unexplored tangle of constantly transforming jungles, swamps, and plains unbound by any mappable record of time. Adventurers have sought to unlock the continent's mysteries for years, and its surprises still continue to surprise avid surprise seekers. Dinosaurs, giant insects, carnivorous plants, elementals, Forgotten Gods, Bobby Darin, and Santa Claus are all said to live here, but the only proof of their existence are the ravaged journals from explorers of the past...

And that captured dinosaur amusement park off the coast.

Verk

A rainy settlement of time travelers from the 1890s. It is separated from the world by an ethereal mist of aether called "Henry's Breath," long believed to be generated by the fat ghost of England's Henry the 8th. Most settlers began traversing the aether via multidimensional travel from when Colonel P. A. Walter I discovered Blue Matter in 1896, but all matter of being from the multiverse seems to have leaked through to embrace knowledge, Victorian style, and to tinker with steampunk abominations.

Cities: Dandyton

The Capital of Verk is a bustling city of inventors, scientists, airship pilots, alchemists, airship pilots, ghosts, and airship pilots. It is home to the Verk Dandy Candy Factory, many airships, and the Verkian Rift, a dimensional hub to countless other realities.

The (old) Cavalcadium landing page including links to Worlds (Earth, Kazooland, and the 8th Dimension), Characters, and Species

Characters include (but are not limited to): Beebop, Bip, Boft, Brown Suits, Buster Becile, Captain Albert Alexander, Delilah, Doc Laborday, G. G., Guy Hottie, Hatchworth,The Highwayman, I. M. Becile, Kazoo, Lily Brennan, Lorene Keaton, Norman Becile, Peter Walter I, Peter Walter II, Peter Walter III, Peter Walter IV, Peter Walter V, Peter Walter VI, Rabbit, Rex Marksley, The Jon, The Spine, The Suspender Man, Uncle Ralphie, Upgrade, and Wanda Becile

Species include (but are not limited to): Robots, Samurai, Scarab People, Seafarers, Steampunks, Talking Animals, Trolls, Vampires, Vleeds, Warlocks, Werewolfs, Witchs, Wizards, and Zombies

The Temecula Rift

Prior to the 2013 Walter Robotics Expo, an accident occurred while 26 y/o Peter Walter VI accidentally sealed a Blue Matter Rift that he was trying to open for high speed inter-dimensional travel between Earth and Kazooland. The result was an explosion that singularly hit Peter Walter VI in his face. He now wears an iconic keyhole mask to hide whatever the results of the explosion may have been.

Links:

https://pawaltervi.tumblr.com/post/49702485000/regarding-the-temecula-rift

https://pawaltervi.tumblr.com/post/51763873084/walter-robotics-owner-peter-walter-vi-hospitalized

https://pawaltervi.tumblr.com/post/52636220497/a-message-from-peter-walter-vi

Audio posts of Isabella Bennett discussing Kazooland Canon circa 2015:

Kazooland Canon 1/3

Kazooland Canon 2/3

Kazooland Canon 3/3

Rabbit’s white faceplates are made from a porcelain-like material from Kazooland called Impossium

#spg #spgiraffe #steam powered giraffe #kazooland #lore masterpost #lore

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randomnessunicorn-imagine · 6 years

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What would the Allies (and Canada if you don’t automatically include him) dress up for Halloween as? If it hasn’t been done yet, of course! 😊

{ I only do 4 characters per ask~So enjoy them this time-! }

🎭 Arthur Kirkland ~

He’s an old man and he usually does not participate to parties and these social events. We could define England just like a scorbutic Grinch.Halloween is one of those festivities he appreciate so much because it comes from his Land so he’s so proud. It’s obvious he celebrates this holiday.Every years England is unsure about the costume to choose and he wants to surprise all the other nations demonstrating how he’s cool despite his ages (that are so much). He’s still young inside and you’ll see!One of his relaxing hobbies is sewing and he always sews his own costumes for this occasion even if he often stitches his own clothes when he has no time to go to the tailor. He does it for his old pirate outfit, he cares a lot about that uniform and it carries precious memories.The costumes the English man choses for Halloween are always traditional or, at least, they are part of his hobbies or traditions. For example, one time he dressed like Jack The Ripper, and he pretended to be a killer going around the London streets and he risked to be arrested because he was a little drunk and that night was not so lucky for the poor man so he decided to change his costume for the next Halloween.Another time, he dressed like Captain Hook, and he loves so much Peter Pan, he always told this story to Sealand and the kid defined Arthur as Hook and he was so proud of it because Arthur does not want to appear like a pussy since he’s still a fearsome pirate (even if he’s not fearsome anymore).Maybe, the right costume for him would be the Grinch and Arthur is the one who does not want to give candies to the poor children who knock on his door. Then, the next day, he will find his garden full of rubbish, the trees decorated with toilet paper and his walls will be written with funny words like “Captain Eyebrows”, “You suck!”, Old Stingy” and other amusing stuff like these.

🎭 Ivan Braginski ~

He’s a kid inside, we all know it. It’s an American festivity (or at least, he supposes because Alfred loves it so much) so he does not take it so seriously but Ivan finds horror and spooky so interesting and one of his favourite hobbies is to scare other nations with his fearsome appearance. To Russia, every day is Halloween and if you don’t believe it you can ask to the poor Baltics (they will confirm this fact). Actually, Russia does not need a costume because himself is the right horror costume you have ever seen. Despite he’s a tall and big man he enjoys to “trick and treat” during Halloween night, doing pranks to who does not donate to him candies. To be precis: he accepts only alcoholic candies and if they are filled with vodka you will win his heart and he will spare your life.Only his fearsome look is enough to scare everyone and, obvious, his loyal Baltic servants will accompany him in this Halloween trip around his capital, poor guys.

🎭 Alfred F. Jones ~

He’s a great fan of Halloween, of course. Alfred prepares himself for this party months before it arrives and he takes it so seriously. Every year, he organises a super party and he invites every nation because he wants to show them what’s the real fun is. Then, he’s a jerk and prepares also so many pranks and Horror Games during this party. For example, he rents a real haunted house organizing tours. One time, this house was no less than England’s house that American considers the most scaring house ever and all the visitors was traumatized and scared seeing Arthur in his bathrobe and everyone calls him like “The Eyebrows Ghost”, but they have never complained since it was a great tour and all the visitors were satisfied (Arthur a little less).Alfred’s favourite costumes are several and he likes dressing like the famous horror movie’s serial killers just like Jason, Freddy Krueger, Micheal Myers, Saw and all of these kind of crazy persons.It’s Halloween so the fundamental purpose is to be scary and he’s act so bad doing pranks to everyone. Then, Alfred is a grown child and he has so much fun doing “trick or treat”, and it’s quite embarrassing since he’s a big boy and maybe he’s a little old of it (not as old as Arthur, especially in his soul, poor English).

🎭 Matthew Williams ~

Oh, the little Canadian loves so much this holiday and he puts all his effort to create the greatest costume ever even if he has little problems when he decides to show it to someone. It seems persons are not able to see him… He will never get used to this thing!Canada is not the kind of guy who does “trick or treat” like his brother because he’s an adult now and he has not fond memories to it and Alfred always pranked him in the evilest ways. America stole all his candies and chocolates or he pretended to be possessed by some demons and Canada was so afraid his brother went mad. Then, sometimes even other persons made fun of him and they ignored him like he was a true ghost, and maybe he was dressed like others. It was not funny, at all. Those days are over, and Canada wants to enjoy his Halloween in peace giving candies to the children who knock on his door.Unluckily, even the children don’t recognize him and they think the door opened alone and they run away for the terror thinking it’s a true haunted house but it was not his intention and Canada wanted to give candies and chocolates to them. He feels so bad, so maybe he should just wear a T-shirt with written over it “I’m not a ghost” as a costume.

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mrsbenedictbridgerton · 7 years

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We Got Friday Nights

A little friends to lovers drabble/one shot for @thesschesthair cos she likes them and she is awesome!

also on ff.net and ao3

When your best friend is gorgeous, smart and one of the most decent people you’d ever met, it makes sense that people would think you were a couple. Of course every time this happened to Killian Jones and Emma Swan they’d laugh it off and say there was no chance that anything like that could ever happen.

They were friends - for almost five years - and they quite liked it that way.

Only one time, she had seriously considered it.

They were in the middle of this health kick - running a few times a week after Emma had almost collapsed chasing a skip up a fire escape. Killian had offered to run with her - it wasn’t safe for her to be running around on her own, he’d said - she’d rolled her eyes and reminded him that she could take care of herself and that Storybrooke was hardly the crime capital of New England. He’d still insisted on joining her.

One Saturday he’d knocked on her apartment door, too early for the sun even to have peeked over the horizon. The park was deserted as they pounded the trails in companionable silence until it began to rain. A fine mist at first, it quickly graduated into a heavy downpour with large, freezing drops saturating them in seconds as they raced to the cover of the trees.

Killian laughed when she slipped in the mud, his hands coming up to her waist to halt her fall - they were warm, even through her soaked t-shirt. He was close enough she could really appreciate those damn blue eyes of his that never saw him leave a bar without at least one phone number (wanted or not). His hair had fallen over those eyes. She’d told him a dozen times to cut it and he always just shrugged. Water dripped down those silky tendrils, drizzling across his cheek. Dazed, she’d stared at his perfect face.

For a second, she’d forgotten who he was ( her best friend ) and why they’d never been more than that (she didn’t do relationships or men in general, he just didn’t do commitment). For a moment he was just a handsome, perfect guy who she was very attracted to… so she reached up and brushed away the rogue strands, her fingers sliding down his cheek, reluctant to break the contact. It was okay- just for that moment - to let herself get lost in the smile he gave her and to imagine what it would be like to kiss those lips and for those hands to tighten at her waist and draw her close.

They’d hugged a thousand times. But that was different, because he was her friend and every hug they shared was devoid of that pulling tension she felt right then. Warmth radiated from him as the rain tumbled through the pine trees. She let herself daydream for a few perilous moments about a “them” - a dream of cozy dates and tangled limbs and kisses and-

Then, of course, reality kicked in. The rain vanished, the sun replacing it in the blink of an eye. He’d tugged on her shoulder, rousing her out of the dream as he asked her if she was ready to head back. She’d smiled and nodded, avoiding his gaze until her feet found that rhythm again on the mossy footpaths, each step pushing that idea further away.

“Emma, where is your damn bottle opener?”

“Hmm,” she called from the couch, flicking through Netflix like a pro, her feet propped up on the coffee table.

“That bloody bottle opener I got you for Christmas? The one that says ‘walk the plank’ when you use it?” Killian’s voice had gotten that high pitched tone that showed he was becoming exasperated. She smiled to herself and rolled her eyes.

“Oh, that.”

Emma shuffled to sit and then stood, yanking her oversized hoodie over the threadbare leggings that she refused to throw away. She located the missing item behind a stash of chocolate PopTarts above the fridge, handing it to him with a wry smile. “Only you would actually buy me a themed bottle opener.”

He grinned, holding up the pirate-ship shaped device. “You know what I say-”

“Yeah, yeah,” she nodded, just wanting to get back to browsing, “You’re a pirate.”

With a yawn, she ambled back to the couch, mourning the fact that her spot had gotten cold. She heard him fussing with their take out back in the kitchen.

“You know,” she said, “Just because you own a boat, it doesn’t make you a pirate. Or even a captain for that matter.”

If Emma Swan knew one thing, it was how to wind up Killian.

“I beg to differ, lass,” he retorted as he waltzed into the room with two bottles of beer and an open box of the best (and only) pizza the small town had to offer. “And for the millionth time, she’s a ship not a boat.”

Snatching a slice, the cheese singed her fingers as she gave him a grin. “And the difference is…”

With a sigh, he sank down beside her and deposited the bottles in his hand on the table alongside the box. “A boat is small enough to be carried aboard a larger vessel, and a vessel large enough to carry a smaller one is a ship.”

She chewed thoughtfully for a second, then turned and shrugged. “And here I was thinking size doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that, love…” he drawled. As he spoke, he tried to wink and that just made Emma’s smile deepen. Killian had not once manage to wink correctly in all the time had known him and she found it hilarious.

“So then, time for more How to Get Away With Murder? I still don’t know who killed Wes-”

“No, you know this week it’s my turn to choose.”

“I could swear you did last week,” he replied, reaching over to try and grab the remote that she held out as far away as she could.

“You made me watch goddamn Rambo last week. This week, Emma chooses, next week it’s all yours babe.”

“Oh how I do love our banter,” he quipped as he kicked off his shoes and rested his feet on the table next to hers.

“Geez, you left Blighty almost ten years ago and you still use words like ‘banter’ - what’s next? Will you be eating some crisps later while wearing your jumper and planning your next ‘holiday’?”

“You wound me,” he replied with a mock frown. “But I know you love it.” And before she could react he had reached forward and taken a bite of her pizza.

“Hey!” she yelled. “You’re gonna pay for that.”

“I’d despair if you didn’t make me.”

He tried to wink and failed again.

Emma laughed.

The rom-com she had put on was cheesier than the takeout and predictable but she took more than enough pleasure knowing that it was his least favorite genre. They had this silly rivalry when it came to movie choices, each one trying to find something the other would hate. Movie night - Friday nights - was their thing. No matter what work churned out for either of them they always tried to keep their (platonic) date. Alternating between each other’s apartments, they’d binge on some Netflix, peruse the takeout menus that lived in each other’s kitchen drawers and generally just shoot the breeze over a beer (or a glass of rum after a particularly hard week). For as long as she could remember Friday nights were just their thing.

The pizza had made her sleepy, her stomach was full and the beer had became bottle number two. The movie was half way through and her body had slouched to one side, resting against his, her head on his shoulder.

The heroine of the movie was currently mooning on about some guy she liked (who was totally wrong for her) to her best friend (who was totally right for her).

He shifted, sliding his arm around her until she was nestled against his chest. This was par the course for them; somehow they always ended up a little snuggled against each other and Emma wasn’t exactly complaining. Even if there was nothing romantic in it, it felt nice to be held by someone.

On the subject of romance, now was an apt time for her weekly update on Killian’s love life. “Any dates lined up?” she asked.

“You know my Fridays are given up to movie night.”

“There are six other nights in the week, Jones.”

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Nope. No dates.”

“You’re losing your touch,” she laughed.

He tapped his fingers against the bottle in his hand, his rings creating a little clink sound. “I’m not exactly in the frame of mind for meaningless fuckery right now.”

There was something about his tone that made Emma uneasy. There was a bite to his words that she just wasn’t used to. Normally when she teased him about his casual dating record he liked to peacock and exaggerate.

“It’s not like you’ve been on any dates either,” he added, giving her a quick glance before his focus returned to the tv.

“Yeah, well, you know my track record.”

“Not all men are utter bastards, Emma.”

“I know,” she sighed, “Still…”

She didn’t need to repeat again the reasons why she had pretty much given up dating. A childhood love who had set you up and gotten you sent to juvie combined with an ex-fiance who actually turned out to be married was not the most illustrious dating history. Fact was, she was scared of getting hurt again. She was pretty sure her heart couldn’t take it.

“I know Swan,” he murmured, his voice full of understanding. He may not have met either of those illustrious men, but she knew he understood how hurt she had been by them and he respected how that had affected her.

They both silently sipped their beers as the movie continued, his fingers finding their way to massaging her scalp (he was great at those) as he shifted to lift his legs onto the couch, making them almost parallel though her feet were still inches away from his. Soon the leading lady was crying into her coffee after said totally unsuitable guy had dumped her.

“Swan, have you ever-”

He paused, shaking his head at whatever he was thinking.

“What?”

“Never mind.”

She pushed herself up, bringing her knees under her body (silently thanking Killian for buying such a broad couch) so their faces were at the same height. She tilted her head and gave him an expectant glare.

He huffed a little before giving in. “Will was bleating on today at work about how ridiculous it is that we aren’t a couple. I tried explaining but you know what he’s like.”

Emma sure did know. Will, Killian’s co-worker at the marina, was just about the nosiest and most opinionated guy in town. And he had an opinion on everything .

“And he got me thinking about what that would look like.”

“What would?”

“Us, you and me.” He took a sip of his beer. “Have you ever… thought about it?”

“Oh-” she gasped, blushing a little, “I’ve never really, you know...” she shrugged, feeling the guilt of lying to him. She never lied to Killian.

“I know, crazy idea. Can you imagine? I think we’d tear each other to pieces within a week.”

Emma chuckled, “Yeah, you’d be trying to make me drink prune juice with every meal.”

“And you’d be lecturing me even more than usual about keeping my hair a reasonable length.”

“And, as if I could put up with your five am alarms!”

“And you rolling in from work in the wee hours? Terrible.”

“And your obsession with pirates? That would get old pretty quick!”

“And I’d worry about you even more than I already do when you’re off chasing those criminals.”

“And I’d do the same when you’re out on that damn boat in all kinds of weather.”

“Ship,” he reminded her. “ Ship ,” she repeated.

“Yeah,” she sighed, “Crazy idea all around.”

“That’s what I told him. The idea that Emma Swan and I could ever be a couple is just insane. I mean, hilarious really.”

He chortled a little as he supped further on his beer, shaking his head a few times for good measure as if to further punctuate the point that a relationship between them was just about the most outrageous idea he had ever heard.

Emma watched him, her stomach sinking a little as she did so, an anxious little knot suddenly forming within.

As she turned back to the television it was the moment that the girl - the movie’s darling - was finally kissing her dependable friend whom it had been obvious she would get with from the first minute. Watching the friends-come-lovers entwined mouths filling the screen made that anxious sensation grow even further.

An uncomfortable flush rose up her neck. She could not remember a time she had ever felt uncomfortable around her best friend but this moment was quickly becoming one, even though she was no longer lying against him it felt like even being a few inches apart was singing her skin. She needed some space.

“‘Excuse me,” she whispered, climbing over his legs and leaving the couch, heading for the relative safety of the bathroom and its lockable door.

Flipping down the lid of the toilet, she sat, planting her elbows on her knees and resting her face in her palms.

What had just happened? They had never, ever talked about them being anything more than friends. Not even after the dozens of times other people had assumed they were. Why was this time different?

Her phone pinged. She reached into the pocket of her hoodie. It was Killian.

You alright?

She tapped a message back.

Yeah

The three little dots told her he was writing a reply. It seemed to take him forever.

Nothing to do with what we were talking about?

She didn’t lie to Killian. (Except she just had.)

Maybe?

(Emma you are pathetic, she told herself.)

She heard the telltale padding of his feet along the corridor and she sucked in a breath.

“Emma?”

“Yeah?”

He hesitated a moment.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make things weird, it’s just Will was going on and on and- look, I’m sorry I mentioned it.”

This was the moment that she should have just laughed off the whole conversation, went outside and watched the end of the movie. But maybe it was the two beers or maybe it was the movie-

Taking confident steps, she slid open the lock and yanked open the bathroom door. Killian was leaning against the wall opposite, his head down, his hands slung in his pocket- he looked dejected almost.

“I lied,” she announced in a much firmer voice than she had thought she could muster, ‘I have thought about it.”

His head sprang up, tilting a little to one side as he seemed to study her face, waiting for her to add something. Finally, he broke into a smile and took a step towards her.

“Oh thank god. So have I. Lots of times.”

He had? Oh God, he had. He’d thought about it. She could see on his face that he had seriously considered being with her. And why hadn’t he said anything? But she knew why, she knew how clearly she had spoken of her desire to be alone. But this was Killian and it was different-

Somehow, a dozen thoughts all formed simultaneously and made her head ache.

But then Emma being Emma, she had to go with the most negative ones.

“It’s just… I like our time together, the movie Fridays and the fact and can call you whenever I have a problem and the way you have of making me relax when I get anxious about stupid things and how you are my emergency contact and all the dumb pirate shit you buy me when you know I find it ridiculous and… you know.”

She shrugged, kinda pathetically, her shoulders then slumping, looking up at him, begging him to understand.

He responded by staring into her eyes. “We could have more than Friday nights, we could have every night. If you wanted. Whatever you wanted.”

Goddamn him he sounded so sincere that she would have swooned if she were the swooning type. He was offering her more, on her terms.

“I can’t lose you,” she whispered, looking down at his stockinged feet and seeing those pirate ship socks she’d bought him for Christmas. She couldn’t lose him -

“Who said you would?” he asked.

In that moment, Emma could feel years of pain and torment as fresh as they had been on the day they first scarred her. Every sensation of loss and helplessness that a man had ever inflicted, washed over her even as a large part of her said, but this is Killian. He is different.

“People hurt each other. Relationships end.”

“I would never hurt you Swan. I care about you more than you could ever understand.”

He sounded a little wounded that she would think he could.

Because she knew he couldn’t ever do anything to purposely cause her pain. And she knew that he was the most important person in her life. The person she could never do without.

“Oh, Killian, I-”

She stepped a little closer, reaching out her hand to place on his shoulder, just as he took that moment to sweep down and press upon her lips a kiss - a kiss so dazzling in its simplicity and perfection that all oxygen seemed to leave her body.

He was kissing her.

And it felt every bit as good as she could ever have imagined. He kissed like he moved, graceful and with purpose, his lips chasing after hers, making her a little giddy and lightheaded.

Pulling away, she took a quick breath, before wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing him against the wall behind him. All those worries and doubts from a few moments earlier were erased as she finally understood what people meant when they said something just felt right .

Like the way his hands fit at her waist.

Like the taste of beer on his warm tongue.

Like the perfect synchrony with which they wrapped themselves around each other like they had been doing this for years. (Though in some ways they had.)

“I won’t hurt you Emma,” he whispered against her lips as her fingers tangled in his hair.

“I know,” she replied, before pulling him in for another kiss.

It was already light but she had no intention of moving from where she currently lay, her head resting against Killian Jones’ bare chest, her fingers trailing over the smattering of hair that covered it as he drew circles over her hip.

“Well Swan, looks like you already have Saturday mornings.”

He grinned at her. The same as always but just different.

She chased after his lips with a yearning kiss, sliding her leg over his hips and feeling all the nice kinds of aches that their evening had provided.

“How about all of Saturday too?”

“As you wish, milady.”

A/N: If you liked it a review is always appreciated

#cs ff #captain swan #cs au #friends to lovers #jill writes things

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funnythingshere0-blog · 6 years

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100 of the funniest short jokes and one-liners that will have you laughing in seconds

New Post has been published on http://funnythingshere.xyz/100-of-the-funniest-short-jokes-and-one-liners-that-will-have-you-laughing-in-seconds/

100 of the funniest short jokes and one-liners that will have you laughing in seconds

Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh.

Whether it’s the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor.

Here are 100 guaranteed to get a quick laugh:

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay – it’s in my jeans.

“The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.” – Milton Jones

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.” – Tim Vine

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’” – Tim Vine

“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’” – Tim Vine

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.’” – Tim Vine

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” – Tim Vine

(Photo: Shutterstock)

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward

How does NASA organise a party? They planet.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” – Sarah Millican

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

“I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.” – Ken Dodd

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

“Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill Bailey

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’” – Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.” – Milton Jones

“Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!” – Milton Jones

I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves!

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”

“You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.” – Milton Jones

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski

(Photo: BBC)

“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” – Milton Jones

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.” – Tim Vine

“My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.” – Milton Jones

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.

I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.” – Milton Jones

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.

Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.” – Tim Vine

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.” – Tim Vine

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’” – Tim Vine

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? “Aye matey.”

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.” The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

(Photo: Shutterstock)

Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.

What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!” – Tim Vine

There’s no “I” in Denial.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.

“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…” – Milton Jones

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”

I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle!

More jokes:

31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) 41 of Bill Bailey’s most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners 25 hilarious dad jokes you’ve probably never heard before 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit 25 of Spike Milligan’s greatest gags 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes 49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes 45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults 25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

…and some quotes:

64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life 100 of Homer Simpson’s greatest quotes 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Norton’s most scathing Eurovision quotes 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes 20 of Malcolm Tucker’s most cutting insults 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes

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justoccasions · 7 years

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New Post has been published on http://www.justoccasions.com/theme-weddings/

Theme Weddings

When you think of a theme wedding, Elvis and Las Vegas immediately come to mind. Las Vegas, Nevada, is, of course, the world capital of whatever is wild, weird and whacky no matter what you are talking about and weddings are not the exception…they may, in fact, be the centerpiece of everything strange that happens in Las Vegas.

In Las Vegas, a couple can have a wedding where “Elvis” walks the bride down the aisle or where he performs the ceremony or both. Anything and everything is possible in Las Vegas. “They”….whoever ‘they’ are say that, “What happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas”…..well, maybe….maybe not. Themed weird and crazy weddings don’t stay in Las Vegas…they seem to be popping out everywhere. But, you must admit, that Las Vegas is where they started.

The Alternative Wedding…Las Vegas Style

The couple doesn’t need to consist of a man and a woman….it can consist of two men or two women in Las Vegas. Of course, the ceremony isn’t a legal marriage ceremony rather it is called a ‘Commitment’ ceremony. There won’t be a marriage license issued but the many chapels that perform these commitment ceremonies issue a ‘Certificate of Commemoration’.

There is even a chapel named the Gay Chapel of Las Vegas where gay and lesbian couples are offered all of the same choices and amenities offered to straight couples. The can choose from wedding packages that include choices like the beach party, disco, Egyptian, Gothic or Elvis Blue Hawaii wedding.

Limousines, flowers, photography and video services are offered as well. There were, at last count five chapels that offer such Alternative weddings in Las Vegas. They are: Cupid’s Wedding Chapel, Silver Bell Wedding Chapel, Distinctive Weddings of Las Vegas, Gay Chapel of Las Vegas, Eternal Hope Ministry.

The Eiffel Tower Las Vegas Wedding

The Paris Las Vegas is a scaled down version of Paris, France, complete with the Eiffel Tower. The Paris Las Vegas is huge…over 85,000 square feet and the legs of the Eiffel Tower are a part of the decor of the casino. The wedding ceremony is performed on fiftieth floor observation deck. The video camera starts rolling the moment the couple enter the glass elevator and continues through the ride back down.

The Elvis Themed Las Vegas Wedding

Elvis Presley himself married Pricilla in Las Vegas in 1967 at the Aladdin. Elvis and Las Vegas are linked forever in the hearts and minds of Elvis fans all over the world so, it stands to reason that Elvis Themed Weddings are the first and foremost choice of couples who marry in Las Vegas. There are many variations on an Elvis themed wedding and wedding packages offered. The Elvis impersonators who participate in these Elvis themed weddings all, of course, sing but some of them do other things, as well, like drive the limo that picks the couple up, walk the bride down the aisle or even perform the marriage ceremony itself. At the Viva Las Vegas Chapel there is even a Pricilla impersonator for their Blue Hawaii package that includes Hawaiian sets and props and Elvis memorabilia. Some Elvis Themed wedding packages include Elvis performing the ceremony or walking the bride down the aisle. Some have Elvis singing three songs while others include Elvis entertaining for a full hour at the reception. There is one chapel that is decorated to look like Graceland. The name of it is….you guessed it….The Graceland Wedding Chapel.

The Las Vegas Gondola Wedding Package

The Venetian Resort in Las Vegas is built around an Italian theme complete with frescos, gourmet food, canals, strolling performers and gondolas that are available for weddings. The Cerimonia Sul’Aqua weddings are performed in a gondola that is only large enough to hold the bride, groom, minister, a witness and, of course, the gondolier who sings. The bride’s bouquet, the groom’s boutonniere and photographs are included in the Gondola wedding package. The gondola transports the bride, groom, minister and witness out onto the breathtakingly beautiful Lake Las Vegas to a party boat that will accommodate up to twelve people. It is considered good luck to steal a kiss under the Ritz’s Pontevecchio Bridge.

The Las Vegas Pirate Ship Wedding

If you are really into pirates and pirate ships, you can have your wedding ceremony performed on one at the Treasure Island Resort. The Treasure Island used to be considered a kid friendly place but it has been transformed into an ‘adults only’ resort now and is usually referred to as TI rather than Treasure Island. The advertisement reads like this:

“The Enchantment package features a wedding on board Treasure Island’s pirate ship. Guests are seated along an outdoor patio overlooking Sirens’ Cove. The groom, best man and ship’s captain board a pirate ship and wait for the bride’s entrance along a rose-covered walkway. For the right amount of gold, rogue pirates will serve as witnesses and a pirate may even swing down from the crow’s nest to deliver the wedding rings.”

Now that sounds like an exciting way to begin married life!

The Las Vegas Star Trek Wedding

If the couple are both ‘Trekies’….devout Star Trek fans…. they might opt for a Star Trek Theme Wedding. Star Trek Theme weddings are one of the wedding packages offered at the Las Vegas Hilton Hotel Resort. Depending upon the package chosen, two to four Star Trek characters are included along with the wedding photography, floral bouquet and intergalactic music. The choice of Start Trek wedding packages range from the basic Junior Officer’s wedding to the Admiral’s wedding which in addition to the basics adds wedding video, a choice of four Star Trek characters, a wedding certificate, a brass plaque recognizing the wedding date on display in Quark’s Bar and Restaurant and tickets for the Klingon Encounter and Borg Invasion 4D attractions for the wedding party (up to 30).

Opting for the Admirals wedding is for the truly devout Trekies only as it is a rather expensive package.

A Helicopter Wedding a la Las Vegas Hotels and resorts aren’t the only industry in Las Vegas that manages to cash in on themed weddings. At least one company that provides helicopter tours of the Las Vegas area has jumped on the band wagon as well. Maverick Helicopter Tours offers the Dream Catcher Wedding package. The description printed in their brochure says:

“The Dream Catcher wedding begins with a flight out of Las Vegas to Hidden Valley to see the arches. Continue your journey to the Valley of Fire, where you will see red rock formations and some of the most remote, desolate and fascinating desert landscape. After you fly through the Valley of Fire, your journey will take you to the Grand Canyon. Land on the canyon floor, located just above the mighty Colorado River. Have your romantic wedding here, overlooking the water. Maverick can accommodate large wedding parties or a private ceremony for two and provide helicopter transportation to the Mount Charleston Lodge and major surrounding golf courses in the Las Vegas valley.”

Wow! How romantic can you get! Phooey on tradition…give me that helicopter ride and getting married on the floor of the Grand Canyon!

Las Vegas very well be the capital of the wild and weird but it certainly doesn’t have the market cornered. Not by a long shot! Consider these themed weddings that are no longer even considered “far out” even in very conservative areas of America.

The Western Themed Wedding Since everybody who isn’t too broad in the beam (and unfortunately some who are) wear jeans now days. They may dress up to go to work or to church but for everyday wear everybody wears jeans. Maybe that’s the main attraction for having a western themed wedding….nobody has to buy new clothes…not even the bride and groom.

Western themed weddings are especially popular in states like Texas and Wyoming but they certainly aren’t limited to those states. A western themed wedding is often held right in the middle of New York City. A western themed wedding is easy to plan and a lot less expensive than a traditional, modified traditional or other themed weddings. The color scheme must obviously start with blue (as in blue jeans) and can be paired with yellow (the Yellow Rose of Texas) or green (the color of grass) or orange (the predominate color of a Western sunset). No 20 piece orchestra will be required….a local country and western band will be able to supply just the right music.

The food? Why barbeque, of course….maybe some macaroni and cheese, potato salad, baked beans chips and dips….and not Champaign…BEER! The decorations could be bales of hay and saddles. Centerpieces can be potted cacti on checked table cloths, of course. Even the favors that are given to the guests can be miniature horse shoes or chocolate cowboys or boots. Yup! Western themed weddings are popular for many reasons. They are far less formal and expensive, they are easy to plan, and on top of everything else…they are just plain FUN!

The Disney Theme Wedding

There can be as many Disney Themed weddings as there are Disney couples. The first and, of course, most obvious thing to do is to choose which Disney couple you will base your wedding on. Will it Beauty and the Beast or Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming or, maybe Aladdin and Jasmine? But you don’t have to choose a particular story if you don’t want to. You can just use the general Disney theme. You can choose a very romantic location like a castle for your wedding location. Yes, castles are rented out for weddings. There are about 50 different ones in England, Ireland and Scotland that can be rented. Imagine the possibilities for the bride’s and groom’s wedding attire! The traditional white wedding gown and a tuxedo are a choice but the bride and groom could be dressed as Snow White and Prince Charming as well. The color scheme for the Disney theme wedding could be bright primary colors and the flowers could be placed in glass slippers! How romantic! Oh, and just picture the possibilities for the wedding cake! It could be shaped like a magical castle. Choosing the music might be difficult. There are so many wonderful Disney songs out there to choose from. Maybe you could choose “Can You Fell the Love Tonight” from The Lion King but then there is “I Can Show you the World” from Aladdin, too….and so many more! Sunflowers in reds, yellows, oranges, and blues or carnations, roses and tulips in bright vivid colors would all be excellent choices for the flowers. A Disney theme wedding could allow you to live out your little girl fantasy for real on your special day!

A Wedding with a Nautical Theme

Whether the wedding is to be a beach wedding or to be held on dry land, a nautical theme can be very romantic. If you or your intended are into all things nautical….sailing, scuba diving, or just laying on the beach….a nautical wedding theme might be the very thing for you. Carrying out a nautical theme wedding plan can be easy and a lot of fun. You can start with the invitations. Maybe you could choose ones with two sailboats silhouetted against the setting sun sailing away together. Of course, wedding invitations that are embossed with pale seashells would also be very suitable.

Invitations of all varieties and with all themes can be found at major invitation retail stores and online. You could even print the invitations and programs from your own computer, if you choose to. Nautical theme paper is available at most card and scrap booking stores. Planning the nautical themed reception is where you can really get creative. First you could hire a local band that specializes in beach music or you could hire a DJ and have him play songs by Jimmy Buffett or The Beach Boys. The color scheme needs to bright and summery feeling. Consider colors like blue, turquoise, light green, silver or purple. Candles in shell shaped bowls filled with sand would be a nice touch. They would make nice center pieces for tables at the reception, as well. The flowers in the church could be potted palm trees and blooming tropical plants. They could all be moved to the reception and that would save a few dollars. Even the wedding cake can get into the nautical theme act. Have it decorated with seashell shaped candies. A nautical themed wedding can be as simple or as elaborate as you (and your budget) would like for it to be. It can be fun to plan and easy to carry out.

The Mardi Gras Themed Wedding

Hurricane Katrina really did a number on New Orleans so if you would like to have a Mardi Gras themed wedding, it should probably be planned for a location other then in New Orleans. A Mardi Gras themed wedding is still possible, though, and with some planning it can be done rather inexpensively. Mardi Gras and weddings have a lot in common. Mardi Gras symbolizes the last party and good time before the harshness of the Lenten season begins. A wedding symbolizes the last party and good time before the couple settles down into their new married life and starting a family together. Most likely you won’t want to carry the Mardi Gras theme into the wedding ceremony itself but you can have a ball with the reception planning. First, think food. Mardi Gras is big on food….the rich and spicy variety. There won’t be a broiled chicken breast in sight. Louisiana crab cakes and boiled crawfish would start the meal out just right as the appetizers. Swamp punch is fun if it complete with gummy worms and toy boats. No matter what you choose as the main course be sure to have cayenne pepper and Louisiana Red Hot on every table so your guests can ‘spice it up’ as much as they would like. The decorations are where you can really let your creativity shine through. Large pillar candles with theater masks propped against them will be stunning as a center piece. Preserved Alligator heads are a big favorite for Mardi Gras themed wedding receptions….a little shocking but very appropriate. Dress the heads up with streamers and candles for a wonderful effect. Don’t forget about the Mardi Gras beads. They can add a lot of fun to the reception. The music and the entertainment options for the Mari Gras themed reception are wide and varied. You can choose to have a Jazz band or a DJ playing Jazz music. You might even have the trumpet player do a “When the Saints Come Marching In” solo when the wedding party arrives at the reception. Jazz music makes the heart beat faster and denotes a happy occasion is being celebrated. Think about having a close-up magician going from table to table performing magic tricks and a voodoo priestess or a fortune teller to entertain your guests. Mardi Gras is a time for dressing up in costumes. You might invite your guests to come dressed in Mardi Gras style costumes to add even more flavor to you Mardi Gras themed wedding and reception.

The Country Themed Wedding

The country themed wedding is not to be confused with the western themed wedding. The western themed wedding is all about the west…cowboys, horses, hay, while the country themed wedding is all about the pastoral setting of the country….white picket fences, wild flowers and simplicity. In many small towns in America you will find a real version of the white church with a steeple that is depicted on many country items. If you can find such a church near your home or the place where your wedding is to be held, they can be rented. If that option turns out to be impossible, you can still easily carry out a country themed wedding where ever you are. Just ‘think’ country and whatever that means to you. When you ‘think’ country what comes to mind…..white picket fences, Mason jars, wild flowers….maybe Daisies….., baskets, fresh air, sunshine? It is very tempting to choose an outdoor setting for a country themed wedding….in the middle of a field of wild flowers if the season is right, for example. Just remember that if you plan your wedding outdoors, you should always have an alternate location prepared. Mother Nature has been known to be less that cooperative when outdoor events of any kind are planned. At the very least you should have a tent large enough to accommodate your guests just in case Mother Nature decides a rain shower would be nice. The decorations for a country themed wedding can be beautiful. A vine covered archway would be a lovely addition. The decorations need to be kept simple but beautiful. White picket fence sections and gates can be rented, as well. Terra cotta pots with filled with geraniums would make nice country center pieces. Mason jars can be used as candle holders or used to hold fresh wild flowers. Let your imagination take you to the country and what your version of the country is when planning your country themed wedding.

The Christmas Wedding Theme

If your wedding is planned during the Christmas season, a Christmas themed wedding is an obvious choice and one that is easy to do. The very Christmas season itself is one of love, hope and promise so Christmas and Weddings seem to be made for each other. You can start with the wedding gown. There are many designers who do wedding gowns in red or green fabrics. Maybe a lovely velvet cape would add some pizzazz to the occasion. If you prefer the traditional white wedding gown for yourself, you can still have your bridesmaids and flower girl carry out the red and green Christmas theme. Velvet bridesmaids dresses made in an A-line style would be elegant…and ones that your bridesmaids might even find useful for other occasions. The A-line style dress flatters all body types and is an excellent choice no matter what fabric you choose. Your bridesmaids can carry traditional Poinsettias and evergreens as bouquets, or course, but you might want to consider them carrying white muffs instead. Your bridesmaids could carry a single candle with evergreens around it, as well. They could also carry wreaths. Any of these are excellent choices. A Christmas theme using red and green is not the only choice. You might like going with a blue and silver based Christmas theme. Your wedding gown could be made of a shiny silver fabric. That would look very elegant and yet stay with the Christmas theme. Your bridesmaid’s dresses could be made in the A-line style of a blue fabric and they could carry wreaths in the silver and blue theme. Silver bells would make lovely decorations.

The Renaissance Theme Wedding

Sometimes brides will confuse a Renaissance theme wedding with a Medieval theme wedding. These are two very distinct periods of history and they don’t overlap. There is a thousand year gap between them. Here we will discuss the Renaissance theme wedding…a very romantic theme, indeed. When you do your research about this historic period on which to base your wedding, you will find that the Renaissance period began in Italy in during the 1400’s and moved through Europe over the next two centuries. Camelot is not included. The questions you should be looking for answers to as your research your Renaissance wedding are: What were the wedding customs for the period? What was the style of wedding dresses during the period? A great place to begin your research is online where you will find a wealth of information. The Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA) website can help you a lot and members do answer questions. There are many areas of the country where Renaissance Festivals are held particularly in California, Maryland, New York and Pennsylvania. These festivals are not always historically accurate of course but you will be able to find such wonderful things as dragon heart champagne flutes or Celtic knot wedding rings. The nine through twelve numbered back issues of the Renaissance Magazine might be the very best place to find the information that you are looking for. In these particular issues can give you the details of many traditions that you will want to include in your Renaissance themed wedding. You will find that wedding cakes weren’t a part of the Renaissance wedding but unless your guests are all history buffs nobody will notice. You can have your cake and eat it too.

Other Popular Wedding Themes

There are many other wedding themes that we have not even touched on here. Some of them are: The Seasonal Wedding Theme: Summer, Winter, Spring or Fall….they all lend themselves as themes for weddings. The decorations, wedding attire, flowers, music, and food are all centered on the particular season that has been chosen as the wedding theme.

The Ethnic Wedding: Many times couples who are proud of their ethnic backgrounds choose an ethnic theme for their weddings. African-American themes are very popular with their colorful costumes.

The Period Wedding Theme: The traditions, customs, costumes, food and music are used as the centerpiece of a period wedding theme. Colonial America, Victorian England or the roaring 20’s, are just a few of the periods that are popular to use as a period wedding theme.

The All-Night-Long Wedding Theme: This theme is particularly popular in south Louisiana but it is used often in other parts of the country as well. The wedding and the reception are usually traditional but then the party moves to either another rented hall or to a private home and continues until morning. When breakfast is served, the wedding is over. Variations on the all-night-long wedding theme are the whole-weekend-long wedding theme and the honeymoon wedding theme. The weekend wedding lasts from Friday night through Sunday afternoon and the honeymoon wedding theme can have guests invited to a resort for a romantic location and invited to stay for the weekend or longer.

The Progressive Wedding: This theme should be carried out only by those who are well-heeled or love to travel very cheap. Now days with families so mobile and far-flung, the progressive wedding is gaining in popularity. A pre-reception might start at a location on the East Coast, the marriage ceremony might be performed somewhere in the mid west and the reception might be held in California. The purpose is, of course, to include as many family and friends as possible.

The Surprise-Surprise Wedding: Now this one is just plain fun….not to mention easy on the pocketbook. You invite friends and family to a party without a mention of a wedding. When all are assembled you pull off your surprise-surprise wedding. It’s a little tricky to get everybody you want in one place at one time without telling them it’s your wedding day but the surprise is worth the effort.

The Stroll Down Memory Lane Wedding: Couples, particularly those with long histories together, sometimes like to base their weddings on a stroll down memory lane theme. Mentions of special events in their lives are woven into the ceremony and the reception and decorations are based on their shared history together.

The Holiday Wedding Theme: We discussed the Christmas wedding theme earlier but other holidays lend themselves well to themes for weddings, as well.

Valentines Day weddings are very popular with cupids and hearts as decorations. The beautiful fall colors add greatly to a Thanksgiving themed wedding with Pilgrims and turkeys added into the mix. Truly the only limit on what a theme for your wedding can be is your own imagination. Your wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event and it should be everything you want (and can afford) for it to be.

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