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jarofstyles · 4 years

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Fan Club V

A/N: We’re sorry in advance for the tears shed whilst reading this part. It hurts. But it ends on a good note 🥺 - n + d

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masterlist

pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

warnings: ANGST!!!, fluff ✨

word count: 8.5k

Damn. Kendall was stunning in real life, more elegant than Y/N was. But then again, Y/N was the one who got dicked down last night so she walked over to the door with confidence and wrapped her arms around Harry from behind.

“Everything alright, baby?” She asked, looking up at Kendall with the deadliest stare. She hurt him. A lot. How dare she show up unannounced and uninvited? Knowing full well Y/N was his girlfriend?

Harry wished that he could keep Y/N. He really did because she came to him at a time of rescue. Also, she was very cute when she was angry at someone else. He didn’t look forward to potentially being the reason for that anger after this.

“Hi, Kiska.” He murmured, kissing the top of her head. Kendall has shown up unannounced as she always did when she heard he was with someone else. After it was confirmed. She didn’t want Harry, but she didn’t want anyone else with him. It was a selfish and manipulative thing but he learned to expect no less. It was embarrassing to think he used to heavily adore her. He was such a good boyfriend to her, and she had laughed in his face. But now it seems she can’t handle the thought. If Kendall really cared about him, her feelings would be crushed right now. It was obvious the both of them had had a wild night of sex. Lipstick was still in his neck and his chest, and her hair was a mess. They both had hickies and she was wearing one of his shirts. More than obvious. “I was trying to figure that out. Kendall decided to stop by even though she knows she shouldn’t be here.”

Y/N looked Kendall up and down, her arms still firmly wrapped around Harry’s waist. She usually wasn’t one for confrontation, but Kendall made Harry uncomfortable and she wasn’t welcome so Y/N would do her best in asking her to leave as politely as possible whilst also telling her to fuck off.

“Oh? Sorry, I don’t think we’ve ever met. I’m Y/N, Harry’s girlfriend.” She said, pulling her arms away from him for a moment to shake her hand. “I’m sorry you had to make a trip all this way out here, but now really isn’t a good time.” Y/N spoke as a matter of factly, “tip for next time though, it’s invitation only.” Y/N didn’t mean to be such a snarky bitch, but she felt like she had to be to get the point across. She was the one that showed up to Harry’s door uninvited knowing he’s been seeing someone for four solid months. Y/N felt like she had the right to stick up for Harry, even if he wasn’t her real boyfriend.

Harry was thoroughly surprised with Y/N’s attitude. By god, it was hot as hell. Staking claim on territory, coming down in one of his shirts and covered in his marks. Their swollen lips also clued in to their very rated R results of the night prior.

“We haven’t met...” Kendall said a little surprised, a bit taken aback with her attitude.

Not many people gave the princess of reality tv attitude and it was refreshing for Harry to hear. Plus.. not many people stood up for Harry. And Y/N was doing so very easily. It said a ton about her character— which is why what would happen later would suck so fucking much.

“I just came by to catch up with Harry.” Kendall said, turning to Harry. “You’ve been ignoring my calls, Harry. I just wanted to talk. I know things ended bad...” She gave him a slight puppy face.

Y/N furrowed her brows at Kendall’s answer. Catch up with Harry huh? What was there to catch up about? She really thought she could stroll in here and win Harry over? Some nerve. What made it worse was that she had no regard for the fact that Y/N was standing right there, asking for another chance from him as if she was better than her. It technically wasn’t Y/N’s business at all, she shouldn’t really be commenting on what did and didn’t happen with Kendall and Harry, but she could tell Harry didn’t want her there and Y/N wanted to do her best to support Harry.

So she stayed quite, watching the interaction unfold before her eyes. Rubbing Harry’s side to show that she was there for him, maybe it would keep his feelings at bay.

“You can’t be serious, Kendall. My girlfriend is right here.” Harry said incredulously. The girl had some goddamn nerve, and Harry wasn’t here for it. “This is really inappropriate. I told you I didn’t want to talk. We have to see each other for things, but I’m not interested in a friendship. Let alone another chance at a relationship. Y/N respects me. Wouldn’t cheat.” A dig.

Kendall cheated on him? That was something Y/N and many of the fans didn’t know. She couldn’t believe it. Why would anyone ever cheat on Harry? Y/N had just had probably what was the best night of her life last night and Kendall had that at her disposal and just threw it away like that? Talk about a spoiled brat.

“Harry... come on, you know I’m sorry about that.” Kendall groaned. “It wasn’t that big of a deal. You need to get over it. It was a mistake.” It was like she was tired of apologizing but it couldn’t cross Harry's mind. “Listen. I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn about this. I know that you say you’re happy but... are you? It was a mistake. I was bored because you were being boring. The whole thing was fun for a while but I had a little time of being bored so I stepped out and explored. But now I’m ready to try again.”

Harry was thrown over the edge. How dare she? How fucking dare she? His rage was boiling over. He was more so angry that he was doing this in front of Y/N. What if they’d been dating for real? And in Kendall’s kind, they were.

“I want you to stay away from me, Kendall. Stay away from both myself and Y/N. If I hear you talking about either of us I will sick my lawyers on you in mere seconds.” He was deadly serious. “I’d never cheat on anyone for being bored. You’re a spoiled brat, so out of touch with this world that it’s ridiculous.” His accent got thicker as he spoke to her, anger making it come out. “You wait until I’m with someone and you come to try and take me away. Don’t want me but can’t let anyone else have a chance. You're the worst type of person.”

Y/N couldn’t believe it, she really had just said she cheated because she was bored. What on earth kind of an excuse is that. Y/N wanted to speak, but Harry spoke first, his voice booming. She had always been scared of making him mad and this was why. Kendall was just a spoiled brat who had way too much time on her hands and had no regard for anyone’s feelings except her own. She did what she needed to do for herself and continued to do so. Even if it means coming all the way to England to make a point. Y/N stood back, still keeping her hand on Harry’s waist to keep him calm. She sensed that Kendall was about to say something else and Y/N cut her off, taking a step in front of Harry.

“I think it’s time you leave.” Y/N said bluntly and sternly. No way was she going to ruin her perfect lazy off day.

“I flew out here! I—”

“That’s too damn bad now, isn’t it? Say sorry to the earth for using that fucking jet and messing up the atmosphere.” Harry growled, stepping back with Y/N and closing the door harshly. He gently removed her hand, walking into the kitchen to grab his phone. He could feel Y/N behind him, but he didn’t look her way as he picked up the phone and spoke into it. “You need to make sure Kendall gets it through her head that we aren’t together and we never will be. I want her blacklisted from my shit.” He was so worked up and angry.

Y/N followed behind him, still keeping a distance because she wanted to make sure she respected his space. She didn’t know how he was when he was angry and if she knew anything about Aquarian’s it was best to leave them alone. She set her hand on him as he spoke on the phone, trying to gauge whether he wanted her there or not but didn’t get a clear response.

Fuck. This wasn’t a good situation. He had wanted to calmly talk to Y/N and explain to her that this wouldn’t work as more than just distant friends. Because what if he let her in like he had with Kendall? What if she got bored too? What if she was just excited with his life and the parties for now and then got tired? The fears came running to the forefront of his mind. He felt her hand on him again and turned to her, hanging up the phone. His face was still upset, and he desperately wanted to just hide his face in her chest and never leave. She stroked his hair rather nicely last night.

“I think I need to be alone for a while.” He spoke and it was hollow. And fuck, he was such a bastard because he saw her face fall with confusion as he stepped away from her trying to reach him again. “Listen I... last night was fun. But it can’t happen again. It shouldn’t. We need to stay as we were. You know? It’s just... I’m not good for you, Y/N. I’ve got a lot of issues and you don’t. You’ve got this great life and I’m here with everyone’s head up my ass and I don’t need that.” He swallowed thickly. He rested his hands on the kitchen island, looking down at his feet so he wouldn’t have to look at her. “I know that makes me a bastard. Maybe I am. It was good, but we can’t do anything else. You’re too nice. Too innocent for someone like me. You can’t handle this type of shit, and you shouldn’t have to.” He wasn’t aware that he was essentially making all the decisions for her. He was just terrified and needed her away. Even if it hurt him. “Who knows. You’ll probably get bored of all the glitz and glamor and get bored and want out too. Everyone fucking does. I’m just not it. You need someone calmer.” He huffed. “So yeah. It was fun but, I need to be alone for a little bit. I can see you when we do the bakery and other things, but we need to keep it to that.”

Y/N’s heart fell to her stomach. She felt heavy all of a sudden, like weights had been put on her shoulders and chest. Of course. Of course she couldn’t have it her way? Why would it ever go the way she wanted it to? No matter what she did. She poured her whole heart and soul into last night, meaning every word she said, and every action was intentional. And he just wrote it off as a bit of fun? It was then that she realized that Harry was no different from any man that she had ‘dated’, that he in fact fit in perfectly. It was the same lines every time, ‘you’re too innocent, you’re too nice, you deserve better than me’. It was like a record that just kept repeating in her life. To say the least it shattered her. It was her own fault to, assuming that just because of one incredible night that she could change him.... this wasn’t a fucking fanfic.

“Right. I understand.” Y/N spoke, her tone having changed significantly. She felt empty, numb. Being used by men was never fun. She stood there in shock for a while, surprised that he was that blunt with her after what had just happened with Kendall. As if he didn’t just experience the same hurt all over again. He had minimized her feelings, essentially made every choice for her as if she was a child who was incapable. Assumed that she would get bored, that she would leave. Presumed that she needed a specific type of someone because, fuck what she wants right? “You should really stop assuming things, Harry. Doesn’t do you any good.” She spoke, looking at him with an expression that was used to hide her hurt. Y/N was heart broken.

Y/N went back upstairs to find her dress and pack it into a bag, calling the cab service that Jeff said to use whenever she was at Harry’s house, for safety reasons. She was trying her hardest to hold back her tears, trying to make herself look like she wasn’t doing the most tragic walk of shame ever. Harry had prepared a bag of his clothes to take with her for PR purposes, and she found a pair of old gray trackies to put on as well. She rushed down stairs with all her things, barefoot even just so she could get in the car and leave. She had to go.

“Y/N...” Harry’s voice softened as he watched her run down the stairs. She ignored him though— and that’s what hurt. Suppose it served him well. Looking at her face, he could tell she was upset but she seemed more angry right now. Her tone of voice had had him a little shocked. He had expected some reaction, but this was a new side to her. He hated himself for bringing it like this but it was the better option for the long run. She would get tired of him just like Kendall did, or run out of reasons to keep seeing him like Camille. He was protecting the both of them.

Of course he didn’t see it as using her. He was a man, and even a man like Harry Styles was a bit stupid at times. He was genuinely thinking he was doing the best, but that tiny bit of him was crying out in agony as he watched her leave. She didn’t respond to his call of her name and it stung because, usually Y/N gave him these incredible smiles that had his stomach fluttering and making him weak knees, but instead she had a cold and angry look on her face as she walked out the door. After she left, he sat at his kitchen counter and stared at his phone. He was so conflicted. He couldn’t stop wondering if she was okay. If she was upset with him because she had feelings or because she wouldn’t get more out of him. He had a feeling that her actual emotions for him were just as much as his were but, he was still paralyzed by fear.

‘Home okay? H.’

read.

------

For the sake of Harry’s career and the contract, Y/N left his house smiling.

An actress she was. Just in case anyone had spotted her, she wanted people to think that they were okay. Even the driver that so kindly drove her home, but she was shattered. Her heart split into a million pieces and she really didn’t think she could bounce back from this. This hurt most of all. She stormed into her apartment, slamming the door behind her and once again rushed to her room the way she did the first time she ever met Harry and cried herself to sleep. This time however, Y/N didn’t debate on taking down all of her Harry and one direction merchandise down from her walls and drawers.

She found an empty box of hers, tears streaming down her face as she pulled off every single poster from her wall and folded it haphazardly. All her ticket stubs she had hanging on the walls, all the lanyards, the albums she had displayed. Even the bloody Harry Polaroid book. Everything went into that box.

Hearing him say those things hit hard. Harder than if those words came from any other boy, because for Y/N it was never acting. Y/N had been enamored by Harry for nearly a decade. Every look, every smile, every word, every touch, and every kiss… she meant it. Harry was the one that helped her grow her confidence as a young woman, the one who gave her comfort whenever a guy broke her heart. Harry was the beacon of hope in her life and always had been. Someone that represented everything that was good. She poured every ounce of love into him, everything she could muster, put herself on the line for four whole months. Hell, she didn’t even take the money they were meant to be giving her because she didn’t want it till the contract was over to ensure that she wasn’t doing this just for the money. Y/N loved him with every fiber of her being in a way that wasn’t romantic at all. And that rejection hurt more than anything else in the world.

She shoved the box to the side in her room, stripping out of the clothes she was in and showered to wash herself of the memories of last night. She didn’t want his cum on her body, didn’t want anything to do with him right now. But she did change into one of his sweaters and a fresh pair of panties, getting a fresh roll of toilet paper to accompany her as she cuddled into her sheets and let the tears flow fully free.

----

When Harry got a call from Jeff saying that this week’s events for the bakery and their planned date were cancelled, he knew he fucked up big time. Y/N had been so dedicated to it, he had originally thought it was because she wanted them to believe it. But now he was not so sure.

He had texted her a few times now and was extremely worried and upset because she hadn’t answered a single one. She had had her read receipts on at first, but turned them off— or she kept deleting them.

They’d been apologies. Begging her to talk to him. Asking if he could come and talk to her but she wasn’t damn answering and he was upset and infuriated. Harry hated not being able to know if she’s okay. Jeff was irritated at him because obviously he hurt her. He had given him the disappointed talk and told him to fix what he had done because she had been obviously upset on the phone.

‘Y/N... I’m sorry.’

‘Y/N, please talk to me. I really want to talk.”

‘Kiska, please. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be harsh.’

‘I didn’t mean to be.’

‘I just don’t want you to end up having your heart broken by me. I’m not worth it. I just want to talk to you in person. Or even here.’

‘I’m worried... are you okay?’

‘Y/N...’

----

It was hard for Y/N to get up in the mornings to work in the bakery and act like she hadn’t had her heart completely shattered. She tried to focus all her energy into making baked goods instead of the texts she was getting from Harry what seemed to be everyday since. She didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to hear what he had to say because she knew how Aquarian’s were. Knew that he would only dig himself into a deeper hole, effectively rubbing salt into the already existing wound. She needed time to heal, time to get over it.

The texts she had received today alone really struck a chord. She didn’t know why he kept apologizing as if it was his fault that he didn’t like her the way she had wanted him to. It was just sexual chemistry and any hopes of romance were all very much one sided. For a songwriter he was terrible with words.

Thursday night she locked up and headed home after a very long day. She felt sick to her stomach. She really hadn’t stopped crying since it happened. Tomorrow, she would have a day off to wallow, but for now she needed to get comfy and get some sleep. So that’s what she did. She pulled on one of his most iconic T—shirts, The Rolling Stones one, and cried herself to sleep.

----

Harry had decided after 5 days of her ignoring him, that he needed to go and see her. Luckily he had a key for her place.

He was losing sleep. Harry hadn't been affected like this before by anyone else. Y/N’s absence felt like a hollow cavity in his chest. All he wanted was that night back. When she was curled up into his body and he was kissing her every so often. It was more than just sexual. He realized then that he liked her a lot. A lot more than he had liked other girls and that's part of why he pushed her away. Even when he was being cold, he had observed how kind and soft she was. Generous to anyone, calming, talented. Even with flour on her eyebrows from the cookies and when she got his black trousers messy with icing he didn’t notice on her apron. He loved it. He loved how free he felt around her, even with the restraints of the fear he had.

Jeff has told him to pull his pants on and apologize but it had been hard when she didn’t answer him. He wanted to just go to her and tell her that he was pulling his head out of his ass. Needed to explain the fears to her that he had and trust in her. She hadn’t done anything, hadn't asked for a single thing, hadn't asked him for shout outs or to post her on Instagram without it being prompted by Jeff.

So that’s how he found himself at her apartment. He had knocked and she didn’t answer— and it was dealt by quiet, besides the low buzz of a tv. He knew from before that she did sleep with a tv on to drown out other noises— she did that when she napped at his house.

“Y/N?” He called, opening the door with his key, putting it on the entry table. “Angel?” He couldn’t see her in the kitchen or living area, so he took a step towards her room. Harry had never been in her apartment before, he had only ever been outside the building waiting in a car that came to pick her up.

Part of the reason Y/N kept him from coming over was how small her apartment was, but also because she had tons of things that she simply couldn’t hide. Y/N’s entire flat looked like the flat of a fan. It was a cute Pinterest looking flat, decorated nicely and sprinkled with little things only fans would recognize among other things she was interested in. Harry would surely notice though, so they often went to his house. Her room looked lived in, not messy, but definitely lived in. She had some things scattered on the floor and on top of drawers out of place. Her closet doors were open, exposing some merch as well as a box full of One Direction and Harry Styles paraphernalia.

Harry found her lying in bed, curled up in a little ball. The worst part was that she was wearing his Rolling Stones shirt. Tear tracks down her face. He was completely and utterly upset just by seeing that. Who knew how many days she had cried? It made his stomach unsettled. However something in her closet caught his eye. It was a pink jumper. He swore his stomach dropped. There was something on the sleeve and he tried to convince himself that it was just random, a different jumper that happened to have embroidered sleeve. But as he got closer his stomach fell further as he saw that it had ‘treat people with kindness’ embroidered one the sleeve. His name in a bold font on the breast front.

Panicking slightly, he moved the next one which was black— only to feel a little sick. It was his rainbow treat people with kindness one. Stepping closer, he kicked a box accidentally— but his body went cold as he looked down. Falling down to his knees, he began to ramble through it. On top was not one, but two tour tee shirts of his. One for New York, one for London. She had gone to two of his shows. But the real kicker was her One Direction shirts. That made him tear up. They looked worn. Not new. She didn’t just buy these.

Fuck. Y/N was a fan. A real one. One that had gone to multiple shows. And finding the ticket stubs just about broke him in half. It only worsened when he found a little notebook with his name scribbled all over it in hearts. That, that is what got him to let his tears fall. He had treated her like shit. And obviously, she was a fan. He hadn’t known. He had no clue that Y/N was a fan of him, but it didn’t negate the fact he had been awful. No, it made it even worse. She had gone to his shows, and telling by the photos printed up she had gotten floor seats. Paid money to see him multiple times.

Y/N was in fact a big fan. In her nearly 10 years of following Harry and One Direction, she had never stalked them, had never tweeted hate at them or anyone involved in that world. Y/N had had her fan accounts for a long long time, racking up about 25k tweets and 51k reblogs and that didn’t even include her writing. There was only so much Y/N could do to show her support, but she made sure she did everything she could. When Jeff reached out to her with this deal, Y/N took it because she knew if not her, it would be someone else and she wouldn’t trust anyone else. Y/N knew she was fit for the job, she knew the fans inside and out, she knew how to keep a level mind and not lash out whenever she was hurt. She knew she would be helping so many fans see that they too were capable of living their dreams. Y/N had projected a lot of her insecurities onto being a fan of Harry. It was a little escape where she could insert herself into a story or a dream and suddenly feel loved and appreciated for who she really was. Meeting Harry in real life only amplified those feelings. Y/N knew she couldn’t be upset with him if he didn’t end up being the way she imagined him to be because he was human, the only thing she ever really wanted from Harry was for him to see her for who she was and accept her.

Harry was aching. How hadn’t he known she was a fan? If he had, it would have changed everything. He would have gone into it perhaps with a better mindset. This wasn’t someone out to hurt him. It was someone who had spent money and loved him enough to write his name on old notebooks and wear his fucking face around. She wasn’t out to get him. It was all his fault, too. He hadn’t read the contract. He was sure it had to have mentioned it, but he didn’t know. He knew that Y/N was very happy to be doing what they were, but he didn’t know why. And now he did, and he felt like a complete and utter jackass. So much that he felt like he was going to be sick.

He spent a good half an hour looking at things. Ticket stubs and notebooks, the drafts of letters she wrote to him but never got to give him, the books they put out, all the perfume bottles, the damn one direction keychain from 2011. She even had his doll. And his heart felt like it was stomped all over and shattered. He never could have imagined how she felt.

Standing up, he sniffled and came to sit next to her. At the edge of the bed, he moved his hand and stroked over the side of her face, cursing himself for the tear stains.

You would have thought all the rustling through the things would have woken Y/N up, but she was out like a light. She was so tired both physically and emotionally that she legitimately knocked out. She was also quite the heavy sleeper anyway, usually ignoring sounds and just going back to sleep. Touches however, were a different story. Y/N stirred a bit when she felt someone touching her face, her brows furrowed in confusion. At first she thought it might have been Katya, but it felt too familiar and too warm. Her eyes fluttered open, sleepily looking over Harry’s expression.

He was crying? Why was he crying? Was everything okay?

“Harry?” She asked, her voice thick with sleep. “What’s wrong?” Her mind immediately going to the worst possible scenario. She thought maybe something happened, maybe he needed someone to support him so he came to her.

“Y/N... why didn’t you tell me?” Harry’s voice was raspy. Harry’s eyes turned brighter green when he cried, but he felt like his whole world was crashing down. He hated the idea that he could have possibly hurt a fan, and he had hurt her deeply. “I just... you never mentioned anything that let me know. I was... fuck, I don’t even know what to say. I feel sick that I hurt you like that.” He looked at her, and it was made even worse when she had immediately asked him what was wrong with such concern. Y/N was too good, but he wanted to be good enough for her.

Y/N’s brows furrowed with confusion, sitting up properly with him. “Told you what I don't—” Y/N trailed off, having noticed her closet was open wider and the box of memorabilia had been taken out. So he knew now. Did that change anything? Certainly didn’t take away how hurt she felt.

“God. I feel like an idiot. I didn’t know you were a fan. Let alone that long— I’m sick to my stomach. I can’t believe I was like that to you. I can’t even formulate sentences to tell you how bad I feel about it. You’re just... you’ve been a fan for how long?”

Y/N listened as he rambled on, her brows still furrowed in confusion because it was really quite simple why she didn’t tell him. In her mind it made complete sense. She had met him and saw how apprehensive he was, how he didn’t really want to speak with her and made the decision that she’d keep that a secret. He didn’t even give her a chance to tell him anyway.

“9 years next week..” Y/N told him, knowing the exact date she had become a fan. How could she ever forget? It changed her whole life. Harry seemed so hurt by this, hurt that he treated her the way he did because she was a fan. Though she understood where he was coming from, he should feel this kind of remorse treating anyone like that. After all, he always preached about treating people with kindness and though he had been kind to her at times, he ultimately broke her heart.

9 fucking years. 9 years that Y/N had liked him and he had treated her this badly. “Fuck. Fuck me, I can’t…” Harry felt his bottom lip tremble, burying his face in his hands. “Y/N, you’ve got to understand that I thought I was doing the right thing. But I can’t... I knew I made a mistake as soon as you looked at me.” He felt his throat clench and he had to swallow again to keep himself from choking on his words. “I’m scared.” He whispered. “I owe you an apology, and an explanation. Because I never, ever intended to make you feel so badly. When we first met to now. It’s all rooted in my stupid fear and it isn’t an excuse nor a reason you should forgive me but...” He sighed heavily as he shifted to face her again.

“I am used to people using me. The last 2 times I did this, both of them faked liking me even out of the time we were supposed to be out and about. Camille and Kendall. Camille had no interest but liked to play hours with me. Liked my gifts, but at the end of the contract, she grabbed her shit and said that it wasn’t ever real and she was method acting, that I was a bit annoying and needy and needed to stop. And then Kendall... She acted like we were together. Would stay over and stuff, planned stuff for later. Liked to show off with me. And then she cheated and got annoyed when I didn’t want to go out every single night. I was crushed because I had really learned to like a side of her that was completely fake and it was awful.” It had hit him hard and he knew that. “I didn’t read the contract because I had decided beforehand I’d just do it and keep a distance. And then you came along and fucking charmed the pants off of me and made me want you so badly all the time. I had such a hard time keeping my distance.”

Y/N heard the pain in his voice, her face softening into a more gentle and sad expression. Tears were forming in Y/N’s eyes as he explained, hating that he had ever even for a second thought she would be that cruel.

“So Y-you genuinely thought I could do that to you?” She wondered feeling like she was about to cry all over again. “Harry, you didn’t even give me a chance to tell you, you just—” Y/N croaked, a sob ripping through her causing her to shake her head and turn away from him slightly because she didn’t want him to see her ugly cry. “I-I spent four whole months trying to get you to let me in... just a little bit so that maybe— maybe you’d trust me and like me enough to be my f-friend.” Y/N struggled to speak when she cried but she was trying her damn best, “and I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but then we went out I had the most incredible night of my life... t-thought maybe you had too, thought that maybe you’d finally let me in and t-that we could start over and you just—” Another sob escaped her, she really couldn’t stop.

Harry hadn’t thought he could hurt worse. But then Y/N started to sob and he felt his own body shrivel you and want to die. He had done this. It was his fault and there was almost nothing he could do to fix it.

“Baby... please, I’m so sorry.” He nearly whimpered, gathering her into his lap and holding her tight. “I’m a dick. I just... I liked you a lot. And I was scared that you’d be such a good person and then turn into one of them and I couldn’t handle that from you. I’ve cared about you a lot more and I couldn’t figure out why. You just were so good to me and I didn’t think I deserved that so it must have been fake.” He didn’t deserve her anyways. “It was one of the best nights of my life too. I slept all night. Do you know how rare that is? You had me comfortable enough to sleep and I... I can’t even explain to you.” He hiccuped slightly, definitely crying too. “It’s been so scary for me. But I can’t imagine how much it hurt you and I want to be sick thinking about how you’ve just been trying to be my friend and be kind to me and I just... started falling and freaked out.”

Y/N cuddled into his chest, her hands latching on to his shirt and gripping it tight. She hoped he understood what he had done, hoped that she had done enough to explain just how terrible he made her feel. She knew there wasn’t much he could do to fix it now that the deed has been done, so he’d have to make it up to her in time. She pulled back from his chest when he told her he had actually slept that night, looking at him with big eyes.

“Y-you did?” Y/N asked in a hushed tone, not yet trusting her voice. He was crying yet again, her heart aching at the sight. Her hands lifted up to wipe the tears off his cheeks, gently petting some of his hair back to soothe him. Y/N didn’t say much for a while, there was sort of just this unspoken understanding that she was trying to calm him and he was trying to calm her. She moved her arms to hug him properly and rubbed his back.

“Yeah. I have a lot of problems sleeping. F-Falling asleep and staying asleep.” He admitted. He lifted his own hand too, cautious with his touch for her. His Y/N deserved more than this. He would do anything he possibly could if it meant making it up to her. “Y/N... I don’t deserve your forgiveness okay? I don’t. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I met Stevie at first and she just... was as cold as me.” He felt another surge of the sick feeling. “And then you tried so hard to be my friend and I kept letting all my fear get in the way and make me keep away from you.” She has been such a trooper too. “I don’t know how you even let me kiss you at all. I’ve been such a dick, even though I’ve been feeling bad about it doesn’t excuse it. I like you so much and it’s so terrifying for me. Any type of relationship is terrifying.” He licked his hips, fixing her sleepy hair.

“You make me want to be a better person so I do deserve you, Y/N. I want to be good.”

As much as Y/N didn’t want to admit it right now, she was feeling better now that he was here. Y/N could tell he was remorseful, that he genuinely felt awful for hurting her the way he did and it eased her pain a little bit knowing that he didn’t mean to. Might have been stupid but at least he was empathetic.

“I let you kiss me because you’re an exceptionally beautiful man.” Y/N sniffling, trying to lift the mood a little bit. She didn’t want to wallow anymore, she’d been wallowing for days. There was one part of his little statement she had to clarify. Just for good measure. “Wait... so you, um. Like me, like me?” She asked, blushing a bit at the fact that she had to ask. It was important to note because for all she knows maybe he just likes her a lot as a person and the sex was just an added bonus because she was hot. She knew men were weird like that and in denial. “Don’t be scared. We can start over, okay?”

She was an angel and again— Harry couldn’t get over the amount that he did not deserve her at all. Y/N was exactly what a man like him should keep away from as he could possibly make her even more upset but she welcomed him and that had him confused and happy all at the same time. This was a blessing he knew he’d probably never have again in a million years, so he was praying that she didn’t regret this. He sighed a breath of relief, nodding his head at her. How could he ever thank her? He was positive that it would be next to impossible.

“Really, really like you. So much.” That was the easy part, admitting his affection for the girl was so easy he was almost surprised at himself. Normally he would psych himself out but Y/N had him comfortable in that aspect. “Not just because of the sex. I’ve liked you for a while before it. But I think I let myself really feel that night... and then she showed up, and I panicked and made you leave. I knew and still do know you aren’t like that. But it had me nervous and overwhelmed and I should have just cooled down and talked to you.”

It wouldn’t be fair if Y/N didn’t forgive him. She was positive she’d fucked up like this before and of course she liked to follow the golden rule. Treating people the way you want to be treated. That stuck with her when she was younger which was part of the reason Harry’s treat people with kindness campaign was so special to her. And for the first time that week Y/N smiled a proper smile. She brought a finger up to his mouth and shushed him, moving her hand to his cheek like she had done before.

“You don’t have to worry about that anymore.” Y/N told him honestly. “We can spend whole lives living in the past and worried about things reoccurring, but that’s no way to live. If you’re constantly worried about things that could happen you’ll be stuck with a bunch of what if’s... heartbreak is the worst pain in the world and I understand wanting to prevent it. But you have to give people chances to prove you wrong too. Prove that they aren’t like the others.” Y/N explained, her thumb gliding over his cheek. “And you know what? We’re all learning, all getting through our own baggage and it’s important to support and respect each other. To try and be empathetic whenever you can and treat people with kindness.” She smiled wider. “A really cool guy taught me that.”

Harry turned his face and kissed the palm of her hand a few times, sighing. He still felt like shit. Probably would for a while too, because Y/N was pure and forgiving and he knew that ultimately he would be the one that was going to remember this and the and prove that issue wrong every day.

“Sounds like a cool dude. Hope you get to meet him.” His smirk was playful, but fell a little bit after. God. He knew that it would take time but he also didn’t like that he couldn’t just take it back. Y/N was pulled towards him and he hugged her for a bit, turning to kiss her cheek a few times.

“Me too.” Y/N joked, scrunching her nose as she looked at Harry. Her arms wrapped back around his shoulders as they hugged, face nuzzled into his neck and breathed in. He had been through it emotionally and she could tell he was worn out, not as worn as she was, but still worn.

“Just wanna be with you. For real. And be happy.” Harry hadn’t been truly happy in a long time. “And I know it’s gonna take time to have you truly forgive me but I’m sorry that it even happened to begin with. I like you a lot. I felt like none of what I did was fake. I loved holding you and kissing on you and having you close. None of it was fake to me.”

“None of it was fake. Not from my side either.” Y/N mumbled against his skin, ignoring the first part of his statement because it was too good to be true. He didn’t want her to actually be his girlfriend did he? Something about that just didn’t add up in her mind even though it would make perfect sense to anyone else. “You know my secret now. How do you feel?” Y/N asked, her face still hidden because well... she didn’t want to see his reaction. God she felt embarrassed, she had never intended on him seeing all of it. Maybe some bits, but god he really went through absolutely everything. She was terrified for him to find her socials.

“I feel both good and bad.” Harry said. “M’happy you’re a fan. But I feel awful because I know that I think about me meeting someone I love so much and for their reaction to be like that... it would wreck me. You’re much stronger than I am.” And that was the truth. Y/N has handled far more than she should have. He didn’t like it, but he commended her for the strength. “I really just want to lay with you for a little bit.” Y/N was so adorable when she was sleepy. He had thought so even before when she had fallen asleep on his couch. But he wanted to let her sleep and be happy in his arms for once. “I don’t know how I’m going to make it up to you. But I want to.” Harry wasn’t going to let it go. He had a feeling Y/N knew that too because she sighed, hiding her face back in his neck with a grumble. “Are you huffin’ at me, little girl?” It was a bit more lighthearted. She was after all, in his shirt and on his lap.

“I told you to stop thinking about it.” Y/N whined, “we’ve both cried enough for tonight.” She sighed and closed her eyes comfortably. She was rather tired, only having slept for an hour when Harry had come over. “but thank you, I try my best to be... cause if you aren’t strong then you can’t carry on.” It was true. Being strong meant moving on full force and taking life by the balls and living it the way you wanted to live it. It didn’t matter how sad you were or how frustrated you were, you took things day by day and figured it out. No point in giving up, you’d just be miserable. “Can you stay the night?” She asked softly, moving her head from her neck to look at him properly. She just wanted a proper cuddle, she’d sleep better knowing he was with her. She huffed when he didn’t take her hint. “You can start making it up to me by letting go and getting cozy. No shoes or jeans allowed when sleeping in my bed.” Y/N told him in a stern yet playful tone.

“God, I’ll do anything you ask me, baby.” At this point Harry would roll over like a good boy if it meant Y/N would giggle. Gently placing her down, he stood and did as asked, stripping the jeans and shoes off before climbing on top of her. It was a playful thing, as he hovered over her kissing all over her face. “Kiss attack.” He whispered before doing it all over again. Y/N was a giggling mess under him and he was thoroughly enjoying making her laugh rather than cry. He places noisy kisses to her cheeks and forehead and nose, avoiding the mouth just in case she wasn’t wanting that yet. It felt a lot better to be with her like this. Allowing himself to be vulnerable, letting her be someone he liked. That was the good thing about it. Y/N had him now. She may not know it completely but she had him by the throat. “Silly girl. No more tears for tonight. You’re so tired, hm baby?” He questioned her quietly, seeing how exhausted she looked.

“Mhm..” Y/N hummed, “I have a day off tomorrow though so if you want to stay up and talk we can.” She said though she yawned a little at the end of it. “Come.” She tugged on his shirt to pull him down some more, tapping the left side of the bed for him to sleep on. “You can take this off too, if you think you’ll get hot.” Men really were like furnaces, always sweating or feeling too hot in the middle of the night while she was usually freezing. She remembered Harry being significantly warm. Y/N knew she’d be warm sleeping next to him, especially if he was holding her all night.

“Trying to get me naked? Come now. Little Y/N... naughty.” Harry laughed, sitting up on the side of her bed and tossing the shirt to the side of the room. He could care less. All the man wanted to do was hold her in his arms and keep her there for hours upon hours. “I was promised cuddling.” He sniffed as he slid back under the covers. Immediately Harry was gifted with armfuls of Y/N, her leg going back over his hip and face smushed in his neck. There was nothing like this. All the money in the world couldn’t buy genuine affection like this.

Y/N rolled her eyes, “get in you goof.” She chuckled and switched off the light. Her tv still illuminated the room, that 70s show playing on loop on Netflix. She returned to her regular position, leg draped over his hips, arm over his waist, face pressed into his neck.

“Want you to sleep for a while, baby. You’re so tired. My poor girl.” He frowned, petting her hair and smoothing then hand down her back to rub circles on it. “When you wake up we can talk more. I don’t have anything tomorrow either... so we can just be together.” What they’d both wanted all along.

Y/N pecked a few soft kisses to his neck, humming as he petted her hair. She was very sleepy and was thankful that he was letting her do so. “You can watch whatever you want if you don’t want to sleep just yet, I don’t mind the tv being on.” She mumbled against his neck. “Night night, Harry.” She drifted off fairly quickly afterwards, feeling extremely comfortable and cozy. Y/N was excited to be able to spend tomorrow doing nothing with him. She felt like it’s what they both wanted and needed, they’d properly bond tomorrow. Get to know the real side of them.

-----------------------------------

[part 6]

A/N: We sobbed while writing this and while editing this. It just HITS. But they’re together now for real 🥺🥺🥺 2 more parts left! - n + d

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#writing #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles #harry styles smut #jarofstyles #harry writing #harry styles angst #harry angst

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